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You just got SCHOOLED! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

DAMON:  “You know, it really baffles me, how you continue to resist my amorous fondles.  I’m stroking your boobs.  I’m blowing on the back of your neck.  I’m doing the Eye Thing.  It’s Textbook Seduction.  How are we not jumping eachother’s bones, by now?”

ELENA:  “It’s simple, really.  The producers have put a padlock on my underwear.  Not to be opened until episode 12.”

DAMON: “Figures . . . we have vampires, witches, werewolves, ghosts, Originals, and hybrids, when all we really need is a good locksmith.”

Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s back to school time, at Mystic Falls.  Remember school?  That place our characters typically go to attend vampire-infested theme dances, and then seemingly don’t return, for months?

Well, apparently, Mystic Falls High has just enacted a much stricter attendance policy.  Because THIS is the second episode IN A ROW that featured the elusive high school, as a backdrop.

“What is this place?  How did we get here?  Is this another one of Bonnie’s spells?”

In many ways, “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” was a warped, alternate universe, version of the first few of episodes of TVD.  There was cheerleading practice, and a bonfire.  Vicki was hanging out in the stoner den.  Tyler was being douche (and wearing a dorky dew rag).

It soaks up my man sweat!”

Elena sat next to Stefan in Alaric’s Saltzman’s history class.  (I’m still not sure if Mystic Fall High has any other history teachers.)  SOMEONE was wearing an ugly scarf to hide an uglier vampire bite.

“Is that a doiley around your neck, or are you just happy to see me?”

With a town so rich in history (and REALLY OLD PEOPLE), it makes sense that Mystic Falls is a place where history seems doomed to repeat itself for all eternity, with some very important “adjustments” to the original tale.

Let’s analyze, shall we?

(Special thanks, as always to my Brilliant Screencapper Andre for most of the pictures you see here.)

Elena the Vampire Layer Slayer

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“I’m done playing The Victim . . . at least, until next week.”

It’s 5:15 a.m.  Elena’s alarm clock has just gone off.  She’s clearly not happy about it.  Yet, our heroine still manages to emerge from her bed, without ONCE hitting the Snooze Alarm, which is more than I can say for myself, most mornings . . . and I’ve never ONCE been eaten by an ex-boyfriend

(Well .  . . there was that one time . . . nevermind.)

“I have to say, as far as hickeys go .  . . this one is actually kind of cute.  I think I’ll keep it.” 

After donning her most stylish workout gear, Elena tromps off into the woods with Alaric, for her first lesson in Vampire Slaying 101.  The problem of course, is that, though he has all the coolest vampire slaying toys, Alaric’s track record for ACTUALLY killing vampires sort of leveled off around mid season 1.

Hmm . . . I wonder why that would be?

(You know the saying, “Those who can . . . DO, and those who can’t TEACH?”  Well, apparently, this applies to Alaric in most aspects of his life . . .

He’s still an expert at using his Chunky Monkey, though . . .

Alaric shows Elena a little pillow dummy, and instructs her to stab it.  However, she can’t “penetrate” because the blade is too dull  the dummy is too hard she is too scrawny.  Alaric then caustically tells Elena that she could stand to GAIN a few pounds . . .  a line that may not have won Alaric many points with his student, but will most certainly earn actor Matt Davis plenty of points with TVD’s female fanbase. (Needless to say, I suspect the Chunky Monkey will be getting A LOT more action, this week.)

“I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow that vampire pillow down!”

Always quick to jump down the throat of ANY male on this show, Elena immediately begins to lecture Alaric on his chauvenistic lack of faith in her vampire slaying abilities.  (Of course, Elena.  He doubts you, because YOU ARE GIRL.  It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you make terrible vampire slaying plans in every episode, which fail about 100% of the time.)

The truth hurts, doesn’t it? 

Of course, since Alaric secretly wants to bone Elena (at least, he SEEMS like he does), he doesn’t insult her, the way I just did.

“I know you tend to prefer undead men, Elena.  But, rest assured, there are some unique benefits to dating real life humans . . . I just haven’t figured out what they are yet.”

Instead, Alaric tells Elena how strong she is, just for getting out of bed in the morning (talk about LOW EXPECTATIONS), and somehow equates this TREMENDOUS feat with having vampire slaying abilities.

Hmm . . . getting one’s lazy ass out of bed . . . overpowering, and murdering an immortal bloodsucking monster .  . . yeah . . . I don’t really see the relationship either. 😉  But hey, why burst Elena’s bubble, so early in the morning?

New Year, New Life, New . .  . Scarf?

CAROLINE:  “Seriously, who compelled her to dress like that?”

BONNIE: “I know, right?  She is SO not sitting at our lunch table, this year.”

ELENA: “Umm . . . guys? Stefan bit me on the NECK, not the EAR.  I can still HEAR YOU!” 

An hour or so later, besties Caroline Forbes, Elena Gilbert, and Bonnie Bennett are walking into school, seemingly in complete denial as to how truly f*&ked up their lives have become.  Caroline, in particular, seems determined to put her past year of being tortured in about every other episode, behind her, so that she can have an AWESOME senior year.

 There is nothing at all strange about this.  This happens to everybody.  Doesn’t it?

Then, Ugly Scarf Elena has to TOTALLY ruin the mood, by whining about how it’s her and Stefan’s anniversary . . . and, now he’s Klaus’ evil b*tch . . . and how she wasn’t able to get the stake to stick in the vampire pillow doll, this morning and WAAAAAAAH!

ELENA: “My scarf is making me depressed.”

CAROLINE: “Your scarf is making EVERYONE depressed.”

Talk about a serious Debbie Downer!  I’m officially convinced that Ugly Scarf Elena is the polar opposite an nemesis, of the adorably sassy, Ponytail Elena, who, fortunately, for us, is poised to make an appearance in this episode, in just a few moments .  . .

Right arm red, left foot blue, right hand DOUCHE

Ripper Stefan is so LAZY!  Pilot Episode Damon would have absolutely been on the floor playing Twister WITH his breakfast mates.

Damon is VERY flexible.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is enjoying breakfast.  . .  and by “breakfast,” I mean a bunch of bimbos, who just LOVE to play Twister, and / or have their arms chewed off by a so-called “True Ripper.”

Looks like a BLAST!

(Now, of course, I understand why he wanted to eat them.  But why bother with the board games?  It just seems like an awful waste of time to me.  Hasn’t anyone ever taught this guy not to play with his food?)

“Is this what Klaus had in mind, when he compelled you to protect Elena?” Damon wonders.

Good point, Damon.  Throughout the episode, I found myself wondering just what exactly Klaus meant by compelling Stefan to turn off his emotions.  After all, you would think a non-emotional guy would be kind of robotic, stiff .  . . etc.

But Ripper Stefan, actually seems MORE “humanly” at ease with himself than Old Stefan.  He SMILES.  He LAUGHS.  He FLIRTS.  He takes joy in other people’s suffering.  He cares about Elena, in a sort of weird, and oddly detached way.

In fact, I’m starting to think that maybe, instead of compelling Stefan to turn off his emotions, Klaus accidentally compelled Stefan to believe he was Pilot Episode Damon.  This would actually make a lot more sense, under the circumstances.  Don’t you think?

Then again, we HAVE seen Stefan at least partially resist compulsion before.  So, perhaps, Stefan’s tiny little tiptoes into humanity are meant to represent examples of THAT . . .

Whatever it is, Damon’s and Stefan’s discussion of it, is interrupted by the arrival of a very special guest . . .

Barbie Klaus Gets a New Dream House

“Hello, I was going door-to-door, and was wondering if you had any interest in purchasing a Bible?”

Don’t get me wrong, I love that Damon refers to Rebekah as Barbie Klaus or Klaus Barbie.  (Buy her at a store near you.  Fangs, coffin, and Naptime Stomach Dagger, each sold separately . . .)

I even love that she’s staying at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (provided she NEVER . . . EVER cockblocks my Delena, of course).

Still, I can’t help but wonder how she managed to ENTER the house to begin with, considering that it currently belongs to Elena, who has yet to actually invite her inside.

Remember, back last season, when Elena de-staked Elijah, and he was practically BLOWN outside of the house, due to his never having been invited in?  NO?  Well, don’t worry too much about it.  Because, apparently, the writers don’t either . . .

Dead Girls Do It Better

The students at Mystic Falls High will inevitably begin to wonder whether there is a schizophrenia epidemic in town, especially considering that BOTH Jeremy and Matt seem to have developed a habit of talking to themselves in embarrassingly public places.  Well . . . Matt talks to Vicki in public places.  Jeremy talks to Anna in the Men’s Room, which is wrong on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe them . . .

“So, THIS is what a men’s room looks like.  Centuries old, and I’ve never seen the inside of one before.  GO figure!”

Matt and Vicki drive together to school.  And then proceed to reminisce in the parking lot about, how much fun school was, last year, back when, you know, Vicki was still alive, and not a vampire, but rather, an incredibly slutty drug addict, with crushingly low self-esteem, and a horrible case of crabs.

But hey!  At least you were a really good dancer!

Good times!  Things are significantly chillier INSIDE the school, where Bonnie is nagging Jeremy, about spending more time with Ghost Anna, than he spends with HER.

Oops!

You know, Bonnie, when your boyfriend would rather have conversations with the AIR in public bathrooms, rather than hang out with you, that’s a REALLY good sign that  . . .

. . . oh yeah, and that he’s a TOTAL WACKADOODLE . . .

As Jeremy leaves Bonnie to undoubtedly head back to the urinals, so that he can hit on his mistress in a more romantic setting, a very pissy (See what I did there?) Bonnie undoubtedly begins to ponder whether she has the power to give a ghost one of her Trademark Headaches.

“You’ll pay for this, Casper the Friendly Slut!”

Speaking of Trademark Witch Moves, I’m sure I’m not the only one that notices that Bonnie’s nose hasn’t bled ALL SEASON.  I wonder what changed?  She finally kicked the coke habit.

Meanwhile, inside a creepy little tomb located conveniently nearby . . .

Why some Coffins Come Equipped with Snooze Alarms . . .

Come on Baby!  Open your mouth . . .  here comes the choo choo train.”

Last week, when Katherine and Jeremy lifted up the lid on Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael’s coffin, we all ASSUMED he’d stay awake.  But apparently, Grouchy Mike just rolled over, and went back to bed.  A frustrated Katherine tried everything to get Michael to chow down.  She brought him men, women, animals, and rodents.

But the dude just kept GOING BACK TO SLEEP!  The nerve!  No wonder Katherine had no time for her ex-boyfriend’s phone calls!

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Can you blame her?  (Because I can!)

Finally, Katherine drips fresh blood from a human male directly into Michael’s open mouth.  This seems to do the trick.  As it turns out, all baby wanted was to be FORCE FED, after all.  Or was it?

Back at school . . .

AP History Never Looked So Good

It just occurred to me, that a good portion of the past two episodes, has taken place in the bathroom . . . symbolism?

When an oddly giddy Tyler shows up at school with blood on his shirt, Caroline pulls him into the bathroom to frustratedly lecture him to keep a low profile, given the whole Hybrid Thing.  (Part of me hoped that Caroline would rip Tyler’s shirt right off of him, so that she could, at least, put some stain stick on the blood mark, but no such luck.)

“I’m way too cool to care about little insignificant things like blood stains.”

Caroline is furious with Tyler, when she finds out he’s been accepting blood bag gifts from the Evil Rebekah. What’s worse, he actually seems PROUD of receiving the distinction of being Klaus’ First B*tch.

I Heart the Original Werevamp.”

Poor Tyler!  Clearly, he hasn’t read the memos that require him to be Self Loathing, and think of his magical powers as a BURDENSOME CURSE, even though they are TOTALLY AWESOME.  That’s what happens when you join the Scooby Gang a year late, I guess . . .

“You wouldn’t happen to be wearing that sexy red underwear I found in your drawers, last week, are you?  Because when I went to look through your underwear drawer this morning . . . umm  . . . to do laundry . . . it wasn’t there.”

The phone rings.  It’s Damon, for Elena.  He’s decided to warn her that Rebekah a.k.a. Klaus Barbie is now currently staying in the house that SHE owns, without paying rent .  . . oops.  Elena immediately asks after Stefan, causing Damon the Issue Avoider to hang up on Elena in the most clever way he knows how.  “Ring, RING . . . Oooh . . . is that the bell.  You don’t want to be late!”

“Damn you, Damon!  I am so not letting you eye f*&k me, or invade my personal space tonight.  You’ll be sorry!”

Yeah . . . Damon REALLY needs to work on his sound effects.  His school bell left much to be desired .  . .

As for Stefan, Damon really shouldn’t have avoided Elena’s question.  If he hadn’t Elena might not have been as shocked by Stefan’s sudden reappearance in the halls of Mystic Falls High, as she was initially.

“Now, you are cheating on Klaus with Alaric, Stefan? When did you become such a slut?”

Yep . . . apparently, the inimitable Pilot Episode Damon Ripper Stefan has apparently decided to re-enroll in school, so that he could “keep Elena safe.”  (Dammit!  Why can’t I have my own sexy, Secret Service Vampire Detail?)

Look on the bright side, Elena.  Ripper Stefan is an excellent person to cheat off of, when you have your inevitable Civil War Exam.

Ripper Stefan roughs up former pal acquaintence Alaric a bit, just to show that he means business.  Then he joins Elena, Caroline, and Tyler in Alaric’s AP History class.  (Wait . .  . Tyler, Caroline, and Elena are ALL in Advanced Placement History?  I guess Elena’s appearance there makes some sense, but I never particularly considered Tyler to be much of intellectual power house.

Oops . . . Sorry Tyler.  I’m sure you’re very intelligent.  (Please don’t eat me.)

Did you?  Oh, did I mention that Rebekah is taking this class too?

The future Mrs. Saltzman?

I didn’t?  Well . . . consider it mentioned.

Vampire Barbie versus Barbie Klaus

It’s odd how, even though Rebekah is back in Mystic Falls on Klaus’ orders, she seems to have somehow developed her own agenda.  And that agenda has a name: Tyler Lockwood.  Apparently, Rebekah wants to obtain Tyler by Single White Femal-ing Caroline, all around school.

“The easiest way to become head cheerleader is to eat the rest of the squad . . . It would make getting into pyramid formation difficult, though.”

Rebekah didn’t look at all out of place as part of the cheerleading squad.  And I couldn’t help but wonder, how she managed to master all those complex gymnastics.   I didn’t know girls DID gymnastics, back in the 20’s, did you?  Perhaps, it’s a vampire thing . . .

Anywhoo, Tyler’s obvious sexual appreciation of Rebekah’s BODY of WORK . . .

 “I wasn’t aware one’s legs can wrap themselves around their head, in that way . . . imagine the possibilities.”

. . . along with his unethical (but awesome) decision to compel his coach to end football practice early, only serve to get Caroline to nag at him even harder than before.

“You also REALLY like my dew rag, and want to get one just like it for yourself.”

Better watch your step Caroline, because where I come from NAGGING boys is the fastest way to scare them away . . .

But NOTHING will scare Stefan away.  He creepily falls inline along side Elena, as she heads for a leisurely run around the track.  (I guess she’s not a cheerleader, anymore?)  Then, just to show what a chivalrous guy he is, Stefan BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF SOME DUDE WHO HAS THE NERVE TO RUN NEAR ELENA.

 (Now, that’s love!) 

Well . . . maybe . . . Stefan does inform Elena that she is the Human Blood Bag Klaus needs him to protect.  Human Blood Bag . . . not exactly a “term of endearment” among the ladies . . .

Guess which one is Elena?

Note to Stefan:  Stay away from nicknames.  You will never be as good at coming up with them as your brother is.   Sawyer from Lost, you are most certainly not . . .

Some Lessons Come from the Heart (Others Come from Just Under Your Boob)

While I LOVE that Damon took the opportunity to get to the “heart” of the matter, by fondling Elena’s breasts, how much more AWESOME would this scene have been, if Damon told Elena that the way to a vampire’s heart was between his legs? 😉 

After her literal, run-in with Stefan, a pouty Elena calls Damon again, and begs him to come to school, and stop by the gym.  When he arrives, Damon’s just oozing charm over, thrilled that the object of his affection has asked for his help.  Damon . . . now HERE’S a guy who’s great with nicnknames!  While jokingly adding a little extra pressure to the barbell Elena is bench pressing, he calls her Buffy.

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Then again, when she admits to wanting to lock Stefan up, he refers to her as Warrior Princess.  Classy!

At first, Damon is a bit skeptical of the idea of locking up Stefan.  After all, he’s not just supposedly emotion free, he’s also high on human blood, which means he’s not going to come back to himself any time soon.  But then Elena trains her puppy dog eyes on Damon, and all bets are officially off. “Do it for me,” she pleads.  “Because every time I see him, I feel like I’m going to break, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”

And THIS is when DAMON (who has killed PLENTY a vampire in his day) decides to give Elena HIS first lesson in Seduction of Elena Vampire Slaying 101.  First, Damon puts Elena’s hand on his warm chest, showing her that his sternum is solid, and that no heartbeat can be found there.

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“Squeeze my nipple.  Do it.  I dare you!”

 As if THAT wasn’t erotic enough, Damon shows Elena the TRUE route to a vampire’s heart, by pulling her back against his chest, and running his hand along the length of the side of her skin.  The spinal column . . .  that is apparently where a vampire’s “heart” is.  Who knew?

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Damon’s touch has an immediate effect on Elena, and she shivers with arousal, while, at the same time, instinctively leaning back towards Damon, so that she can experience this more deeply.

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Damon obliges by casually blowing on her neck, and bringing her face toward his, so that she is forced to look deeply into his eyes.  “Do whatever it is you need to do,” he says, in a husky turned on voice, that is almost a whisper.  “Because no one is going to hurt you, least of all my brother.”

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OK . . . so, I may have made a few (a lot) of inappropriate noises during this scene.  Can you blame me?  These two are absolutely ON FIRE!

It’s a shame they have to ruin the beauty of this moment, with their lousy Stefan-napping plans.  (Though, in their defense, this one goes a bit better than most . . .)

Oh No, Not Another AWFUL PLAN!

Why don’t we skip to the part, where Elena almost dies, and has to be rescued by a Salvatore . . .”

After Elena’s cooled off from her workout, the Scooby Gang meets in Alaric’s classroom, to run through their dastardly plan.   Here’s how it goes, Elena lures Stefan into a vulnerable position, while Alaric darts him with vervain.  Then, together, Alaric and Elena drag Stefan to the dungeon, where Papa Forbes once held Caroline.  Meanwhile, Damon hits on Rebekah to keep her from getting suspicious, while Tyler confirms the crew’s vervain supply.

But wait . . . Tyler doesn’t want to help, because this wouldn’t be what KLAUS wants.  All the sudden, Tyler has this big fat juicy crush on Klaus, and it’s making him act like his little minion.

Nothing you can say, can tear me away from MY VAMP!”

So, Damon knocks him out, explaining that Tyler’s got “sire’s disease,” also known as a built-in loyalty to the person that turned him into a vampire.    The loyalty relationship between progeny and maker, is something we heard a lot about in shows like True Blood.  But this is the first we are hearing of the concept, here.

Nonetheless, if “sire’s disease” is a unique characteristic of hybrids,  Klaus is just going to apeshit with happiness, when he learns about it, since an obedient hybrid army, has always been his lifelong dream.

You know, it does make sense that werewolves would be more likely than your average human turned vampire to exhibit this disease, particularly given the fact that werewolves are that much more prone to comraderie and pack mentality, than the average human being.

“I can’t give up all this great sex, just because my boyfriend is now Satan’s puppy!  That would be so shallow of me!”

A worried Caroline wonders how to “cure” her formerly broody beau’s new devastating man crush, but Damon fears there is no cure.  “Get yourself another boyfriend,” he instructs.  (I guess we can cross Damon off  of our Team Forwood Christmas List, then.)

With everyone in on the plan, it’s time to go to the Back to School Bonfire, and put it into action . . .

Oh, look!  The Dead Chick’s Got Plans Too!

“I think I liked you better when you were dead.”

But Elena isn’t the only one with a plan, Vicki has one too.  And it involves Matt (or “Matty” as she annoyingly refers to him) cutting his hand, and talking to candles, so that Ghost Vicki can lead a more-active haunting lifestyle.  Basically, Vicki has a powerful dead witch (the Original Witch) on her side to instruct her just how this should be done.  Matt stupidly complies with this request, though I’m honestly not sure, where he got all the candles.

Sure enough, the plan works, and Vicki is able to touch her brother, and be touched by him.  Now, that just sounds GROSS!  You know what else is GROSS?  The rest of Vicki’s plan.

Awww crap!”

Apparently, Matt signed on the dotted line, before reading the “fine print.”  That fine print is what Vicki has to do, at least according to the Original Witch, to STAY alive in Mystic Falls.  As it turns out, she is going to have to . . . wait for it . . . KILL ELENA, a.k.a. Hybrid Bloodbag.

Ruh RHO!

Jealous Elena + Drunk Elena + Flying Elena = FUN ELENA!

“Raise your glass, if you could possibly get killed tonight.”

This year’s bonfire is WAY more fun than last years, during which we spent most of it watching Elena and Stefan babble on about their FEELINGS.  This time around, we get to watch Damon flirt shamelessly with Rebekah, and feed her smores, as Elena looks on, pouting, clearly jealous.

“Mmmmm . . . white and creamy . . . kind of reminds me of something else.”

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We haven’t seen Elena show signs of jealousy, since Andie (R.I.P.) hit on Damon, back in “Daddy Issues.”

And the fact that Damon doesn’t USE Elena’s obvious jealousy to manipulate her more, simply because he CAN, illustrates just how far he has come, since the pilot episode (more on that later).  Even Stefan picks up on Elena’s jealousy, and obvious attraction to Stefan, with a mixture of wry amusement, and friendly teasing.

I hope that marshmallow she’s eating goes straight to her hips.”

“What’s that look?”  Stefan snarks.  “Sure . . . be jealous . . . I’m sure my brother will love it.”

Needless to say, I suspect the NON-RIPPER Stefan wouldn’t be quite so understanding of Elena’s attraction to his brother.  Jealousy aside, Elena continues to play her part, drinking like a fish, and, at least partially faking inebriation to an increasingly watchful Stefan, who genuinely seems to be enjoying himself here.

Ripper Stefan would TOTALLY hit that!

Is it weird that I REALLY like this incarnation of Stefan?  Now, granted, maybe it’s because he reminds me so much of Damon, but he’s pretty hot!)

We reach our climax (in more ways than one), when Elena pretends to get SO drunk, that she falls from the high rise bleachers, outside the school, forcing Stefan to catch her, and keep her alive, as he’s been compelled to do.

Weeeeeeee!

“I knew you’d catch me,” Elena says breathily, as Stefan eyes her closely, a bit surprised by the intensity of feeling he’s having for a woman he supposedly could care less about.

It’s written all over his face.  And it’s VERY sexy, though admittedly, not as sexy as Damon’s boob fondle from earlier in the episode . . . 😉

*sniffs*  “Ooh . . . someone had garlic for dinner.”

Alaric then vervain darts Stefan . . .

 He shoots, he SCORES!

. . . and approaches Elena, so the pair can drag his unconscious body into Alaric’s car.  “Are you OK?  You look . . . uh . . . not sober,” remarks Alaric, to a clearly shaken Elena.

That’s OK . . . Alaric didn’t really like that car anyway!

Umm . . . Nationwide is on your side?

But Elena’s going to wish she was drunker, in just a few minutes.   Because after the pair put Stefan in the back of the car, and Elena gets in, Vicki makes her move, by SETTING ALARIC’S CAR ON FIRE, and locking the doors, so that Alaric can’t get in to rescue her.

Serves you right for dumping my brother, b*tch!”

A frantic Elena, turn to STEFAN, of all people, to help her, and he helps to kick out the back door, but promptly passes out again, before he can go any further . . .

“Sorry, about the whole vervain dart thing.  Could I make it up to you, by letting you rescue me for the 85,000th time?”

Not to worry, witchy Bonnie is on her way.  She has just finished having a WHINY conversation with her soon-to-be ex boyfriend Jeremy, and HIS soon-to-be new ghost girlfrien Anna, when Matt calls, telling Bonnie that, once again, he has done something VERY STUPID.

“Please Lord, don’t let my nose start bleeding again.”

Cue the candles, and more hand cutting, and more hand holding.  Together, Bonnie and Matt manage to beam Vicki away from Elena.  Then a tearful Matt has to go and send his own mildly evil sister back to the great beyond.  Sucks to be him!  Meanwhile, Elena drags an unconscious Stefan out of the car and dashes to safety with Alaric, just seconds before the car COMPLETELY EXPLODES.

Oops!  I do hope he has good insurance. . .

Forwood-y!

Klaus has great taste in pets.

In other, completely unrelated, news, Tyler tells Caroline that he doesn’t want Klaus to turn him back into his Season 1 Douchey self.  After all, everything he likes about himself aside from the massive size of his weiner, of course comes from Caroline.  (All together now . . . AWW!)

As “mad” as Caroline was at Tyler just a few moments earlier, within mere minutes, the pair is half naked, and happily humping one another’s legs (among other things).  I love how, no matter what is happening in a given episode, you can always count on at least one Forwood Soft Core Porn scene.  (Damon and Elena, TAKE NOTE!)

Unfortunately, Caroline and Tyler don’t have sex, in this episode, because she wants to teach him a lesson, regarding the whole “Gay for Klaus” thing.

I suspect Caroline will eventually come to regret leaving Tyler alone, half naked, with a sexy blanket around his crotch, for a number of reasons.  The most prominent of these is that Rebekah arrives soon thereafter, with a human for Tyler to drink . . . his very first taste of human blood, straight from the source.

Bon-Appetite, Fido . . . er, I mean, Tyler!”

It’s like Tyler is the biblical Adam, Rebekah is the serpent, and this soon-to-be dead girl is the forbidden fruit.

My what big teeth you have, Tyler!

The pair gnaw on the poor woman together, in a scene that’s oddly reminiscent of the one, during which Stefan and Rebekah first met, back in the 20’s.  Rebekah gets Tyler to do this, by preying on his “Gay for Klaus-ness,” “Klaus wants you to indulge in all the best that life has to offer,” she tells him . . .

So generous . . . that Klaus.

Yes, Tyler, drinking blood bags is SO last season, cannibalism, is obviously where it is at, right now . . .

Vampirivore?

Taking S& M a bit too far . . .

Speaking of cannibalism, Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is not at ALL happy that Katherine woke him, by forcing him to drink human blood.  As it turns out, like Season 1 Stefan, Michael hasn’t feasted on human blood in years.  But he doesn’t seem to drink bunnies, like Stefan used to, either . . . Weird.

No matter .  . . Michael is up now, and he’s ready to comply with Katherine’s request, by killing Klaus.  But first, Michael needs to eat HIS choice of food . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE.

Kat Food.

That’s right, boys and girls, a vampire hunter that EATS OTHER VAMPIRES . . . It doesn’t get that much more self-loathing than that.

500 + is too young to die!”

So, is Katherine dead?  Man, I hope not!  I’d like to think that Michael, who’s been out of commission for  a while now, still needs Katherine alive to lead him to Klaus.  Either way, it looks Elena isn’t the only member of the Petrova Doppelganger family who’s destined to be a Breathing Blood Bag . . .

Back at the Gilbert household . . .

Handgasm . . . the Sequel

Please, let’s see this AGAIN!

Jeremy is on the phone with Bonnie, fighting about Anna, and yet Anna is still around.  (Haha!  Sorry Bonnie!  You’ve been REPLACED!  AGAIN!)  Jeremy assumes that this is because he is WAY more attracted to sweet, hot Anna than judgy, whiny, nose bleedy Bonnie he is incapable of NOT thinking about Anna.

But, as it turns out, it may be something more “supernatural” than that.  Because when Anna reaches out to touch Jeremy, just as she did the first time she appeared, not only can he feel HER.  Now, SHE can feel him  . . .

In short, boys and girls, IT’S ALIVE!!!

Elena Gilbert, you are my hero!  (And I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THAT.)

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, an unusually chivalrous Damon, helps put cover-up on Elena’s zits anesthetize the burn wound on Elena’s face.  Still jealous, Elena notes, much less subtly, than I’m sure she intended,  just how cozy Damon was looking with Rebekah, during the bonfire.  “You played your part well,” she says poutily.

This concealer will really minimize your pores.”

This causes Damon to remark on Elena’s so-called drunkenness.  “I thought you were too drunk to notice, he says, wryly.”

“I was faking most of it,” she explains.

Now, while OLD DAMON would have most certainly rejoiced in the opportunity to rub his non-relationship with Rebekah in Elena’s face, NEW DAMON simply puts his face close to Elena’s, so that their lips are almost touching, and whispers seductively, “So was I.”

Oh, lord, someone get me a fan!  I think they are going to kiss . . . I really think they are going to do it this time . . .

So, of course, count on Professor Alaric Cockblock to come in and spoil the moment . . . AGAIN.

*sigh*  Better luck next time, Delena fans.  Apparently, they are going to drag this relationship out to EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL LENGTHS, before giving us any sort of release.   We’re getting pretty darn close though, you must admit . . .

True . . . but it kind of sucks for you too.

Alaric then has a conversation with Ripper Stefan, that reminds me a heck of a lot, of the one Damon and Stefan had with one another, during “The Last Dance.”  Not surprisingly, though, given Stefan’s recent incarnation as Pilot Episode Damon, Stefan reads DAMON’S lines, while Alaric plays the role of OLD Stefan.  Here, Stefan notes that as much as he’s become a Cocky Ripper Douche, he’s still highly adept at keeping Elena safe, and has been compelled to do that, at all costs.

Therefore, Alaric should think twice about eliminating Elena’s bodyguard from the picture.  Alaric says nothing, in response.  But it is obvious, based on his facial expression, that he reluctantly agrees with this sentiment.  Cue Elena’s entrance.  A thoughtful Stefan wonders out loud, why Elena saved his life, when this seemed a perfect opportunity to let him die.

“Do you REALLY want to hear me make the speech again?”

So, Elena starts speechifying again, about how much she loves him, and still has hope that he’s going to become Old Stefan again, and, blah, blah, blah.  But just when you think Stefan is going to appear touched by Elena’s sentiment, he utters THIS REMARK: “Elena, do you have any idea how pathetic this makes you?’

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Oooh .  . . OUCH!  Pilot Episode Damon Ripper Stefan sure knows how to make the crippling zingers stick.

But her’s something new, Elena STAKES STEFAN, using her trusty wrist vervain darts, to which we were introduced at the beginning of the episode.  “No, Stefan, it makes me strong,” she says triumphantly, as she stalks out.

That turned me on a little bit, Elena.  Hey. . . wanna play Twister with me?”

I think my favorite part of the scene, was the content and impressed look on Alaric’s face, as he watched Elena do this.  It ALMOST made me forgive him, for being so pissy and judgmental with Damon, lately.   Almost . . .

Speaking of Team Bad Ass, Elena tries to convince Alaric and Damon to kiss and make up, after the whole, “Damon KILLED Alaric” thing!  Another reason why Elena is my hero.

My only qualm with the scene was that DAMON, himself, wasn’t there to witness it.  Something tells me, he would be SUPER proud of his girl Elena, if he saw that.  Not to mention, EXTREMELY turned on . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Anybody got the number for Ghostbusters?

In the final scene of the episode, we find him randomly rolling up some old fusty rug, when a vase shatters near his head.  As he goes to pick up the pieces, some force flips him on his back.  It’s . . .  wait for it .  . . Ghost Mason.  And he looks positively evil (not to mention, super hot), when he grins at Damon, and tells him, “This is going to be fun.”

Payback’s a b*tch, or should I say . . . a wolf.

Well .  . fun for HIM, anyway . . .   Apparently, Vicki and Anna weren’t the only ghosts to have crossed over during Bonnie’s Send Vicki Back to Purgatory Spell.  Nice going, Bon-Bon!

And that was “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, when Lady Gaga’s Boyfriend Uncle Werewolf practices some more S&M on poor Damon, and fan favorite Lexie tries her own brand of aversion training on Ripper Stefan.  You can check out the American trailer for the episiode here:

And the Canadian one here:

So, now it’s your turn, Fangbangers!  What did you think of “Smells Like Teen Spirit?”  Is Katherine really dead?  How long until Damon and Elena FINALLY get it on?  Are you grudgingly enjoying the renewed sexual tension between “Bad” Stefan and Elena, as much as I am?

“I’m slowly winning you over, one evil deed at a time.”

Do you wish Elena would either get drunk, or wear her hair in a ponytail more often?  Will Tyler and Caroline continue their “winning” streak of humping during each episode, even though Tyler is now Gay for Klaus?   And finally, which Ghosts of TVD’s past would you most like to see on YOUR TV screens next week?

Until next time .  . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Ticking Timebomb – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Reckoning”

OK, everybody.  Raise your hands if you will NOT be beaten up, abused, or tortured during this episode . . . Yeah . . . that’s what I thought. 

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Things have changed quite a bit since we spoke last.  You know, Matt got a haircut, Rebekah learned how to use an iPhone, and ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW IS NOW A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON!

*takes breath*

OK . . . so, now that we’ve had a little time to decompress, what do you say, we settle in for a little Prank Night?

(As always, a big round of applause for my Super Screencapper Extraordinaire Andre, who ROCKS, RULES, and KICKS ASS, all at the same time . . . very impressive.)

Pump Some Iron (Snap Some Traps)

“Have you seen the pects on the guys in Mystic Falls?  I really need to start working out, if I ever want to get another sex scene on this show.” 

Tell me something, TVD producers?  What’s the point of having an Obligatory Workout Scene, when the guy who’s working out KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON?  I mean, we started the episode with a random close-up shot of sweaty Matt working out, and not only was he NOT shirtless, he was wearing a friggin HOODIE over his t-shirt.  REALLY?  This is a travesty of fangirl justice, seriously . . .  He was also wearing some very dorky shorts . . .

Hmm . . . I wonder if he’s going commando? 

But I digress . . .

Matt’s working out after hours at the Mystic Falls High weight room (Wait . . . these kids still go to school?) when he HEARS A NOISE.  Then, he sees a BLACK SHADOWY FIGURE run across him.  Throw in a night vision camera, and we can do our own little version of Paranormal Activity 4 – Vicki’s REVENGE.  Matt walks out alone in the dark hallway.  And if he wasn’t a series regular, I would think this was a pretty AWESOME set-up for an Opening Kill Scene . . .

“Please don’t let this ridiculous outfit be the one I end up being buried in.”

Instead, Matt opens the door to what he thinks is a deserted classroom, and . . .

“Dammit, Matt!  You set off all the mouse traps!  Now we’ll never be able to solve Mystic Falls High’s rampant rodent problem!  (Where’s bunny eater Stefan when you need him?)”

 . . . snaps a bunch of lame mousetraps on the floor.  How lamedisappointing boring HILARIOUS!

“I didn’t just walk in on some weird supernatural creature orgy, or something, did I?”

Lo and behold, our whole Scooby Gang (at least the one’s who are actually students at this school, and NOT Jeremy) is hanging out in the classroom, looking rather smug.  Caroline is PISSED though.  Matt ruined her Adorable Rat Trap Trick!  Senior Prank Night is RUINED. .  .

No, it’s really not.  But Caroline is still SHOCKED that Matt could possibly forget something SUPER important, like Senior Prank Night.

“I am so mad at you.  We are so not having sex tonight.  Oh wait . . . I forgot, I’m never having sex with you again, because I get to have mindblowing sex with Tyler every single night, for all eternity.  Oops, did I say that out loud?” 

I mean, it’s not like Matt has anything ELSE to worry about . . . like, you know, his vampire ex-girlfriend hooking up with his werewolf sort-of best friend, his Ghost Sister stalking his OTHER ex girlfriend’s little brother, whether the economic recession will impact his tips at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, thereby preventing him from being able to afford less dorky shorts . . .

“Could you please lay off the shorts.  I didn’t have time to do laundry this week.” 

Everybody begins to split up then.  You know, because, despite having been on this show for over two seasons, these folks still haven’t learned that they Star in the TV Version of a Horror Movie, and splitting up equals death . . . or, if you happen to be a series regular, certain torture by the Big Bad Villain of the Season.  Elena heads off ALONE to go glue Professor Alaric’s desk shut, which probably isn’t nearly as annoying to someone who’s DIED FIVE TIMES.

 A little glue never hurt a Chunky Monkey. 

We’re back in that long empty hallway again!  Fortunately, Elena doesn’t have to be alone for long, because Klaus is there.  Did I say “fortunately?”  I meant “OH SH*T!”

“You’ll pay for this Klaus!  If Alaric comes into school Monday morning, and his desk ISN’T glued shut, I am telling all the kids at school to put flaming dog poo in your locker.” 

“You are supposed to be dead,” says the guy who was born 1,000 years ago to the girl who recently turned 18.

(“Hello Pot . . . This is Kettle, calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”)

“You just don’t DO IT for me, anymore.”

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Elsewhere, on the Shortest and Most Pointless Road Trip in TVD History, Damon is driving to Some Random Destination We Never Get to See.  In the passenger seat, Katherine is making jokes about going to truck stops and eating truckers, which would probably be a lot funnier, if this wasn’t a vampire show, where such jokes are made about every ten minutes.

Plus, Katherine doesn’t really strike me as the trucker eating type.  For the record, I envision truckers tasting like gasoline, bad diner food, and public restrooms.  No offense to all those truckers out there.  But, hey, if you happen to be a trucker, who watches The Vampire Diaries, I REALLY want to meet you so that I can eat you, and see if my hypothesis is correct.

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As it turns out, Katherine DOESN’T seem to really have a set destination in mind.  She simply wants to get Damon far enough from Mystic Falls that there is no chance of turning back.  Damon claims not to mind, saying that he needs a break from Mystic Falls.  “A break from Mystic Falls, or a break from Elena?”  Katherine coos seductively.

You see, I have this theory that Katherine is secretly on Team Delena, despite evidence to the contrary.  She always seems to be helping out my ship in subtle ways.  And I love her for that.  Like for example, this moment, in which Damon starts TOTALLY MAKING OUT WITH KATHERINE WHILE HE’S DRIVING, WITH NO REGARD FOR THE ROAD WHATSOEVER.  (Well, I guess, even if they get into a car accident, they won’t REALY die.  So, it kind of makes sense.)

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Then Damon roughly throws a shocked Katherine back into the passenger seat, which, actually reminded me a little of THIS . . .

(I clapped then too!) 

“What did you do that for?”  She inquires, pouting.

“You just don’t do it for me, anymore,” replies Damon.

(See what I mean?  THANK YOU KATHERINE!)  Oh, and Damon, don’t worry, we ALL know who DOES IT FOR YOU, NOW!

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Adventures in Sadomasochism (Starring Rebekah and Stefan)

Stefan awakens outside the school to find his boyfriend Klaus, has stormed off, after their little lover’s quarrel.  But Rebekah is there, watching him sleep, or rather, watching him un-die. 

“You snore, when you’re dead.” 

Apparently, Klaus has been repeatedly breaking his neck for sh*ts and giggles . . . or, as vampires like to call it foreplay.

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“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Since Stefan has been inconveniently dead up through the first commerical break, it’s up to Rebekah to fill him in on what’s happened.  Fortunately, she leaves out all the boring stuff, about Matt wearing too many clothes, and Katherine’s lame trucker jokes, and gets right to the good stuff, i.e. Klaus knows Elena’s alive and .  . .

“Believe it or not, this is actually my O face . . .” 

Stefan responds to this news by tackling Rebekah, and dry humping her on the concrete floor like a dog in heat.  (Unfortunately, there are no walls around, so a Trademark Wall Slam is not possible.)

“WHERE IS SHEEEEEE?”  Stefan yells, which causes me wonder how many times, since Season 1, the men on this show have yelled this very question, about the woman they lovvvvveeeeee, while tackling someone else.  (My guess is about 17 times.  What’s yours?)

Rebekah’s response is pretty funny, I must admit.  I actually think Rebekah might have stolen Katherine’s sense of humor, this week.   It would certainly explain the bad trucker joke.  “You still really love her, don’t you?  Consider me jealous,” remarks Rebekah, before STAKING STEFAN IN THE STOMACH.

“Do you mind if I keep this?  I have a collection of all the stakes that have been in my stomach since 1864.  It fills my entire bathroom.”

(Hmmm . . . I think Stefan has actually been staked on this show more times than he has said, “Where is SHHEEEEEE?”  I’m going to guess about 30 times.  How about you?)

Simon Klaus says hop on one leg . . . (among other things)

It’s fitting that the episode takes place on SENIOR Prank Night, because Klaus, who is by far, the most SENIOR on this show (at least, until the final moments of the episode) ends up being the one with all the best pranks.  Like this one, where he drags Elena into the gym, and tells all the rest of the seniors that they’ve been caught and have to leave.  You know who doesn’t leave, though?  Not Now Dana . . .

You guys remember, Not Now Dana, right?  In one episode she broke up Matt’s and Caroline’s not-so-epic kiss to inform Matt that there were hamburgers outside, or something else equally lame.  (Hence, the nickname.)  Then AlarKlaus compelled her to hit on Elena, on his behalf.

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Klaus ALSO seems to remember Not Now Dana, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.  (I mean, when you’ve been alive for as long as Klaus has, you would think all the Not Now Dana’s of the world would start to look pretty much the same.)

Klaus compels Not Now Dana to lift her leg, and hop.  She then compels Not Now Dana’s boyfriend (who I THINK was one of the guys he compelled to jump Jeremy, back in “The Last Dance” episode.  YAY for continuity!) to beat her to death, if she lets her leg drop.  Now, this may be controversial,  but I’d have to say that this is probably the most sadistic and twisted Klaus compulsion scheme of the entire episode.  It also involves domestic violence . . . which is probably why the writers didn’t end up actually having the characters go through with it.

So, let’s ignore that whole dark aspect of it for a bit, and focus on the hilarity of Not Now Dana compulsively hopping on one foot, like a subject at a Bad Hypnotist Show . . .

Meanwhile, back on the Roadtrip that Wasn’t . . .

Excuse me . . . I think you have a hot boy in your trunk!

“At least I made Katherine pay for the gas.”

Damon randomly stops the car, and gets out on the side of the road, causing an increasingly horny frustrated Katherine to follow him.  At first, he claims he wants Katherine to drive.  But, when she goes to take the keys, he tosses them into the bushes.   Damon’s tired of driving around aimlessly, and since he’s no longer in the mood for car sex, he’s very much like to know about Katherine’s current scheme, thank you very much.

“Dammit Damon!  Now, I’m never going to learn what a trucker actually tastes like.” 

Katherine relents, and shows Damon the Infamous Magical Necklace, a.k.a the subject of about FIVE of the Sexiest Delena Moments of All Time.

(See?  Katherine  = TOTAL Delena fan.  It doesn’t get much clearer than this)

Damon, of course, aside from the fact that it immediately causes him to fantasize about and miss Elena desperately doesn’t quite understand the significance of this piece of jewelry, when it’s not around Elena’s neck.  Truth be told, Katherine doesn’t quite understand it’s significance yet, either, except to say that it’s “leverage” for bargaining with Klaus, since she knows now that he wants it.

But Katherine has an even better ace up her sleeve, and it’s currently taking a snooze in the trunk of her car.

Definitely more fun to play with than a spare tire . . . 

That’s right, boys and girls,  it’s I See Dead People Jeremy.  And like Stefan, he’s also reawakening from the dead in this episode (Hooray for magical rings.)  Admittedly, like many of the concepts in this episode (which I loved, by the way), Katherine’s reasoning for kidnapping Jeremy is a bit convoluted.  Basically, Katherine learned from Bonnie, back when she was pretending to be Elena, that Jeremy talks to his dead girlfriends.  One of those girlfriends, is Anna.  And, apparently, Anna knows, based on her mother’s conversations with the Original Witch, the key to killing Klaus.

Though Anna is initially hesitant to give up the goods, Damon convinces her, with a little Jeremy strong-arming.

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As many of us, have probably already figured out, the key to killing Klaus is a PERSON.  His name is Michael.  And he’s that vampire hunter /  ACTUAL vampire Klaus and Rebekah have been soiling their panties about, for the past few episodes.

Now, under normal circumstances, Damon would be doing the Happy Dance, upon hearing such news.  But he has more important things to worry about.  Like the text from Bonnie he just got, claiming that Elena is in trouble.   It’s SUPERMAN to the rescue! 🙂

“Hold tight, Lover.  Because HERE I COME!” 

My second favorite line of the episode appears here.  It happens when Katherine chastizes Damon for running off to save Elena, again.  “The Damon I know wouldn’t be that stupid.”

“That’s because I wouldn’t have done it for you,” replies Damon before rushing off.

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Wow, the fact that Damon said that is a HUGE DEAL.  Remember, Damon pined over Katherine for 145 YEARS.  And here he is saying that he didn’t love her enough to make the sacrifices he is prepared to make for Elena’s safety.  Please excuse me, while I have a MAJOR Delena fangirl moment . . .

While Damon’s busy flying to his lover’s side (I bet he’s REALLY wishing he had those “turn into a crow” powers from the Pilot now), let’s head back to school, shall we?

For a Good Time, Call . . .

Bonnie and Matt are toilet papering the pool area, and wondering when their Normal Teenage Lives got so screwed up.  (Oh, I’d say about two seasons, and five epsiodes ago.)

“Hey Matt, I can make my nose bleed on cue.  Wanna see?” 

Did I mention that these two are kind of flirty with one another?  I’m ready to go on the record, and say that I hope Bonnie and Matt become a couple.  Now, this is not necessarily because I think they are so hot together.  (Though they DO have more chemistry than Bonnie has with Jeremy, and Matt has with Caroline, for sure.)  It would just be a nice, relatively non-confrontational, way to get Matt away from Caroline, and the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock to stop preventing Jeremy from having Hot Ghost Sex with Anna .  . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie and Matt promise to meet one another and toilet paper the gym.  (DON’T GO TO THE GYM!  STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM!)  But Matt has to jerk off pee / get more toilet paper first.  When he does, he sees, among other things, the message “R.I.P. Vicki Donovan” written on the bathroom stall . . .

. . . a “touching” and appropriate memorial to a girl who undoubtedly had sex with many, many horny high schoolers in that very same stall . . .  (I wonder if the guy who undoubtedly wrote, “For a Good Time Call, Vicki Donovan,” in the adjoining stall, crossed it out, after she died, so as not to confuse other potty patrons.)

“Ummm . . . Matt.  You forgot to wash your hands.  Now, that’s just gross.”

As Matt leaves the stall, Vicki follows him out and calls out after him. (See, I told you she spent a lot of time in there!  Ghosts tend to haunt the places they spent the most time, while they were alive. ;))   But alas, he cannot hear her .  . . yet.

The Obedient and The Damned

I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think . . .

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DOH!

We move from implied future Delena moments, to ACTUAL Forwood ones.  Tyler and Caroline are up against a wall in that increasingly dangerous hallway, having a fabulous makeout session.  But then, Caroline feels the need to MAJORLY harsh on all of our buzzes, by mentioning, Matt, of all people.  She hopes Matt will be OK, now that all his friends are (1) part of a Supernatural Scooby Gang that fights evil every week; and (2) all seem to be dating one another.

Tyler thinks Caroline has a great big undead heart.  And Caroline just wants everyone to be happy.  Tyler reassures her that he is happy . . . IN HIS PANTS!

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Last week, our opportunity for Forwood sex was rudely interrupted by Cockblock Elena, and her annoying insistence that Caroline save her Evil Dad.

“Are you just going to stand there, and watch?  Or would you like to join in?  Because Caroline may look like all prim and proper, but she can be SUPER FREAKY, if you catch my drift . . .” 

 This week, Elena apparently handed the cockblocking torch over to Rebekah, a.k.a “The New Girl,”  she proves just how strong she is, by knocking out Baby Vamp and Teen Wolf, in one swift movement (which happens off camera, unfortunately).

“I’d actually like to join in, if you don’t mind.” 

“REALLY!  That’s awesome . . . wait . . . why are you biting my neck so hard .  . . uh oh.”

 She then drags Tyler into the gym, where the rest of the Scooby Gang, sans Caroline (along with Not Now Dana and her boyfriend), are already conveniently waiting . . .

It’s probably a good thing Caroline isn’t around, right now.  (She’s busy being unconscious in the Dangerous Hallway.)  Because lord knows, she would certainly not enjoy what Klaus does next.   After force feeding the Teen Wolf his blood, Klaus snaps Tyler’s neck, killing him softly . . . and temporarily.

“Sorry Stefan, I have a new lover now.” 

“And he’s VERY cuddly.”

But, unlike a lot of the other death’s on this show, Tyler’s has a purpose.

Klaus explains to Bonnie that Tyler is now in transition to become a hybrid / were-vamp.  And we all know what happened to the OTHER hybrids, back in episode 2, right?

So yeah, pretty much, if Bonnie doesn’t figure how to get Tyler to NOT turn into a were-zombie, and eventually die, Klaus will kill Elena.  Bonnie has twenty minutes to figure this out, and she takes Matt with her.  I smell some nosebleeds in our future . . .

By the way, did anyone notice how quickly Mr. I Can’t Date Vampires, and Just Want to be Normal Matt adjusted to being a cast member on this show, in the past couple of episodes?  I mean, the guy just saw some random dude KILL his friend.  (Because, correct me if I’m wrong, no one actually had the chance to tell Matt about Klaus prior to this, right?) And he barely flinched.

“OK .  . . who’s up for some dodgeball?” 

I guess this makes him an honorary Scooby Gang member?  If they keep this up, it’s going to get to the point soon, where there are so many of them, that they won’t fit in Damon’s living room, for their weekly Kill Klaus meetings . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan has just de-staked himself, so he can join his pals in the gym.

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” 

With his tail between his legs, Stefan grovels to his boyfriend Klaus, wondering out loud how he could possibly make this up to him.  (Might I suggest a blow job?) Stefan then continues to prove to everyone what an AWFUL liar he is, by claiming that he doesn’t care about Elena.  So, Klaus tests this theory by WHACKING THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

(Remember what I said before about TVD opting not to go for the “domestic violence” route?  I guess I sort of have to take that back.)

“Ripper Stefan, may I have this dance?” 

When Stefan attacks Klaus, as Klaus (and the rest of us) knew that he would, Klaus takes the opportunity to get up close and personal with him, and compel his ass.  Stefan is instructed by Klaus’ big eyeballs (I love how they always zoom in on the eyes, during compulsion scenes . . . It’s SO HOT) to obey his every command without question.  Clever . . . but a bit late, if I do say so myself.

“I’m doing my best, DAMMIT!” 

Klaus justifies his NOT doing this three months ago, by saying that he simply hoped for Stefan’s loyalty.  My goodness, Klaus is just as naive as ELENA,  sometimes!  I mean, come on, did this  Hybrid Dick REALLY think that Stefan would still want to be his best buddy, on his own free will, after he KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND, and her AUNT, and FORCED HIM to be his b*tch for ten years?  Klaus has officially become the super villain equivalent of those folks in the early audition rounds of American Idol who STILL believe they are genuinely talented, despite having singing voices that make William Hung sound like Bruno Mars . . .

So, remember Not Now Dana and her boyfriend, who Klaus compelled to play the longest game of Simon Says, ever?  Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief, because Klaus gave them a reprieve that allowed Dana to sit down, without her boyfriend murdering her (not exactly sure how that worked, by the way, since Klaus never got close enough to un-compel them).  Oh, wait, I lied, Obedient Stefan is going to kill BOTH OF THEM, because Klaus has just made him the best Simon Says player on the planet.

Farewell, Not Now Dana, may you find many unworthy couples to cockblock in Heaven . . .

iFind the Necklace

Over in the Dangerous Hallway, Caroline awakens to find Rebekah playing with her iPhone, which she has figured out how to use, surprisingly quickly, considering that, back in the 1920’s telephones were roughly the equivalent, of aluminum cans connected by copper wires.  “Where’s Tyler?” Caroline wonders groggily.

“This Angry Birds game is really addictive.” 

“He’s dead . . . ish,” replies Rebekah.  (See, VERY funny!)

While Rebekah is searching through Caroline’s pictures, she comes across one of Stefan and Elena, and pouts like a rejected candidate on The Bachelor.  She tries to delete the picture, but actually ends up zooming in on . . . you guessed it, the Magical Phantom Necklace.

Little Tattletale Rebekah, rushes in and attacks Elena.  “She has my necklace . . . make her tell me where it is,” she whines to Klaus.

Elena explains that Katherine has stolen it.  But, of course, all Klaus here’s is that Boyfriend Stefan lied to him AGAIN about not knowing where the necklace was.  And now for Klaus’ BIGGEST PRANK OF ALL . . . which, most of us, already knew would happen, based on viewing the promo Klaus sets the basketball time clock to 20 minutes.  He then compels Stefan to feed on Elena, when the clock runs down to zero, knowing full well that once he starts, he won’t be able to stop.

RUH ROH!

Let’s check in on Team Useless, shall we?

Anyone up for a swim?

Despite knowing how INCREDIBLY limited her time is, Bonnie decides to LEAVE THE SCHOOL and drive to I See Dead People Jeremy’s house, since she needs him to contact the Original Witch.  Bad Boyfriend Jeremy is apparently too busy hanging out in the trunks of cars to answer his girlfriend’s text messages!  (How dare he?)

NAUGHTY BOY!  You will be punished! 

Matt heads back to the weight room . . . because this whole Everyone is Being Held Hostage by Klaus thing, has TOTALLY interfered with his workout.  There, he finds a Hansel and Gretel type trail of his clothing (Seriously, this guy must wear like 80 layers of clothes!), which leads him all  the way back to the pool area.

“Hey, who’s bra is this?” 

Matt’s car keys are at the bottom of the pool.   So, he starts to strip down to go get them.  (NOW, we’re talking!)

But then Vicki starts text messaging him, about being able to “help.”

“I’ve always wondered what type of text messaging plans they get in Purgatory. ” 

Now, I don’t know if Matt’s “Big Idea on How to Talk to his Dead Sister / Save the World” came from HIM, or from Vicki.  But, wherever it came from, it was INCREDIBLY STUPID.   Matt reasons that if Jeremy can talk to dead people, because he died and came back to life, if MATT dies, he can talk to dead people too.  So, Matt calls Bonnie who’s lord knows where, and tells him to come save her life with her not-so-magical CPR lessons.

“Can you hear me now?  Well, you won’t hear me when I’m dead.  Then again . . . maybe you will.” 

Then he ties a weight to his stomach, and jumps into the pool (fully clothed, unfortunately) to drown himself . . .

“The kid’s got spunk.” 

Wait . . . HOLD UP.  Isn’t the reason Jeremy sees dead people the fact that he ACTUALLY died, and was brought back by magic?  Are we supposed to believe that Matt will be able to talk to dead people, simply because he passed out underwater?  Wouldn’t that mean that EVERYONE who almost drowns, and is revived by CPR should be talking to the dead?  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie DOES conveniently make it to the pool in time to drag Matt out, and start tongue kissing administering CPR on him.

“Damn you, for making me mess up my hair, like this, Matt.” 

While she sucks his face, Matt DOES have a quick “In the Afterlife” chat with Vicki, during which she passes IMPORTANT INFORMATION on to Bonnie about the Hybrid Spell Thingy.   And don’t ask me how she knows this information .  . . since I thought only Anna knew.  But . . . whatever . . .

” .  . . so that’s what happens at the end of Sixth Sense.  Would you like me to spoil any other movies for you?”

Back in the gym, the Bite THAT Doppelganger gameshow is still going on, and our contestant Stefan is getting a bit restless . . .

Time’s UP!

We are now down to six minutes on the time clock.  So, of course, it is time for Elena to monologue annoyingly to Stefan about how he can BEAT this.  Elena remembers how Caroline’s dad somehow resisted compulsion.  She thinks that Stefan can do this too, if he just FOCUSES ON HIS GREAT LOVE FOR HER.  (And if the audience just believes in fairies and claps their hands really har, Tinkerbell will come back to life!)

“You mess with my fairytale, I’ll kick your butt!” 

Then, Elena tells him that he OWES it to her, just to snack on her blood, and not be such a PIG about it, which I guess is true . . . Though, given the fact that Stefan has saved Elena’s life about 25 times by now, one could just as easily argue that they are about even.  And he owes her nothing.

Whether or not his moral debts to Elena are actually paid, Stefan thinks Elena’s Speech is a Big Ole Crock of Sh*t, and tells her as much.  “I can’t help what I am,” he says, echoing Damon’s words to her from last week.  “The more blood I get the more I want.  And if I get so much as near yours, you are dead.”

How’s that for a Hallmark Card statement?  Romantic, right?

“If you don’t stop with these inspirational speeches, I’ll eat you, just to shut you up!”

Meanwhile, Tyler awakens next to Caroline, and learns that he is a hybrid in transition, who may or may not turn into a were zombie and die soon.  I notice that he isn’t acting nearly as weird or sick, as the were zombies from The Hybrid.  But that’s OK, I guess.

“Why do I feel like death?” 

Now, here’s the bugs me a little bit.  When Bonnie rushes in to tell Klaus that the Original Witch confirmed, through Vicki that the Doppelganger needs to be dead for Klaus to be able to make hybrids.   Though, I suspect this is what Klaus thought ALL ALONG.  Now, suddenly he has another idea on how to save his hybrid army . . .

During this time, the time clock runs down to zero, and Stefan rushes toward Elena to eat her.  To his credit, he DOES seem capable of fighting the compulsion a little bit, by grabbing on to walls and stuff, to slow himself down, and give Elena a chance to get away.  But he soon finds that Elena runs much too slow, even for this.

“Come on, Elena.  My Grandma runs faster than you.” 

So, Stefan decides to stake himself . . . again . . .

Klaus intervenes, and him and Stefan fight again, which, of course, gives Klaus the opportunity to correct his compulsion.  This time, he compels Stefan to TURN OFF HIS HUMANITY.

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“Hey Stefan, have you ever had sex with an Original Werevamp?  Would you like to?  I’ll take that as a yes.”

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit, I found this quite tragic, as Stefan pleaded with Klaus not to do this to him, knowing precisely what it would entail.  And then, after it happened seeing Stefan staring vacantly into space, against the wall, was pretty darn creepy.

“I fixed him,” Klaus tells a heartbroken Elena, gleefully.

“You must be a Delena fan too.” 

Klaus then, once again, compels Stefan to eat Elena.  This time, Stefan rushes toward his victim, without staking himself, or bumping into walls.  So, in that sense, Klaus is correct about fixing him . . .

Someone needs a little Visine . . . 

In the following scene, we see Klaus offering a supposedly dying Tyler a vial of an apparently, still alive, Elena’s blood.

“Mmm . . . Elena tastes a bit like tequila.” 

Apparently, Klaus has magically figured out that the Original Witch has been pulling his leg all along.  Contrary to what he originally thought, he NEVER needed to KILL the Petrova Doppelganger to become a hybrid.   On the contrary, it is the Doppelganger’s blood that completes the transition from werewolf to were-zombie to were-vamp.

Werevamp Tyler looks a little like the boy from The Grudge .  . . 

Apparently, the Original Witch lied to Klaus, figuring that even if he succeeded in turning hybrid, which he did, if he KILLED the Doppelganger, he would never be able to build his Hybrid Dick Harem.  Tyler hesistates for all of about two seconds, before downing his friends blood.  The blood then starts leaking out of his mouth, and doing gross things.  But that’s OK, because then Tyler sort-of/ kind of shifts into his FIRST were vamp minion.  And Klaus is VERY, VERY pleased . . .

The Aftermath

Caroline and Tyler leave the school, seeming oddly happy, considering all that just went down right in front of their noses.  Tyler claims he feels better and stronger than ever.  And to prove it, he lifts Caroline up in the air, like she weighs nothing at all, which, always makes a girl feel awesome.  “This is going to be a GREAT YEAR,” Tyler whispers lovingly to Caroline.  Famous last words, Tyler.  Considering your officially Klaus’ bitch now, something tells me your year is going to SUCK, literally . . .

But hey, at least now, you and Caroline can be eternal life partners now!  And if you thought werewolf/vampire sex was good, you can imagine just how AMAZING vampire / hybrid sex will be!  (See, it always pays to look on the bright side of things!)

Elsewhere, Bonnie chastizes Matt for killing himself on the rare chance that he might be able to commune with the dead.  She reminds her buddy that he had the perfect opportunity to lead a normal life, and he pretty much just flushed it down the toilet.  Matt agrees, but, honestly, doesn’t seem all that torn up about the death of his so-called innocence.  He requests some time alone, to say goodbye to Vicki.  And this time, when she appears, he actually sees her.

“Now that you see me, would you mind calling Damon, and telling him I’d very much like to dance with him again?” 

(I’d say, YAY, to this, if I didn’t remember Anna saying that Vicki is evil now . . .  Sorry Matt, maybe next time you’ll think twice about stapping weights to your body, when you want to go for a swim . . .)

I’m sure you all are wondering how Elena’s doing, right?  Now that Ripper Stefan 3.0 (Now EMOTION FREE!) has dined on her neck . . .

We find Elena in a hospital bed.  (Phew!)  Unfortunately, the nurse caring for her has been compelled to take MORE blood from Elena, not put blood back, so that Klaus can use it for his were-vamp army!

Cue Damon’s arrival . . . FINALLY!  Our hero (who admittedly didn’t get to do much heroing this week), meets up with Klaus, and the two rape eachother, for a few seconds, which I have come to believe is their equivalent of a Secret Handshake.  Damon gets Klaus to stop raping him, by telling him that Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is back, so you better run.

And run, is exactly what Klaus and Rebekah plan to do.  After all, now that they have enough Doppelganger blood to convert a few werewolves into playmates for Klaus.  There’s plenty of fun to be had, outside Mystic Falls.  Rebekah inquires whether Klaus is really just doing all this hybrid-making stuff, so that he doesn’t have to be alone.  And Klaus actually gets a little weepy.

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*sniffle sniffle*

Really?  I’ll give you a hint, Klaus, if you want to make more friends, you might start by not TRYING TO KILL THREE-QUARTERS OF THE PEOPLE YOU MEET.   Most people don’t really like that . . .

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Sorry, Buddy.  It had to be said . . .

Damon then finds Elena at the hospital, and looks at her with a mixture of adoration, guilt and concern.

Then, in a perfect parallel to Damon’s rescue of Elena following The Sacrifice . . .

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 .  . . the Elder Salvatore Brother lifts her up and carries her out of the hospital back to his bedroom La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where she can remain safe in his warm muscular arms.  *sigh*

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“I promise you, I will never leave you again.”

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In his living room, Damon offers Elena some bourbon, and a part of me is secretly hoping that he’s doing it to get her wasted, so that he can have his way with her.

But no, this is GOOD Damon, we are talking about here.  Want an example of just how GOOD Damon is to Elena?  He offers to take her memories away, so she doesn’t have to be traumatized by the memories of her boyfriend going all Hannibal Lecter on her neck.

Some thoughts on this . . .  On one hand, this is a HUGELY unselfish, self-sacrificing gesture on Damon’s part.  After all, if he did it, Elena would undoubtedly, still remember Stefan as the boyfriend he once was, and pine after him, annoyingly, for the rest of the season.  This would obviously SERIOUSLY hinder Damon’s efforts at getting laid, among other things.

It also shows a shift in Damon’s ideas about what responsibility he has toward Elena.  Remember, back after “The Last Dance,” when Damon and Stefan argued over Damon’s decision not to tell Elena that Bonnie wasn’t really dead.  Then, Damon reasoned that breaking Elena’s heart, and potentially traumatizing her, was OK, as long as it ultimately kept her alive.

Damon’s removal of Elena’s memory would NOT be necessary to keep her alive.  (More on this, in a bit)  But it would be necessary to keep her happy.  Thus, showing that Damon’s love for Elena has grown to such an extent that he now, not only wants to keep her safe, but to keep her happy as well.

While completely romantic, this is troubling in its own way.  After all, if Elena’s memory of this episode was erased, she would undoubtedly head off on some crazy suicide mission to find Stefan again, which, would send her right into Klaus’ clutches, which, now we know, WOULDN’T immediately kill her, but it would pretty much assure her a life of slavery, and an eventual death by blood draining.

Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this too much, because Elena refused to forget.  “I need to remember all of it,” Elena says staunchly.

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Then Damon gives Elena back her necklace, as he seems to do, just about every other episode now.  (Seriously, girlfriend, put that thing in a security locker, or something. :))  To be honest, I was disappointed he didn’t physically put it on her neck, this time.  But what we ended up getting was much better . . .

“He’s really gone, this time,” Elena says sadly.  “I saw it happen.  After everything we went through to save him, he’s just gone.”

Then Elena looks up at Damon with her big doe eyes, and asks, in a voice filled with vulnerabililty, and childlike insistence, “Where were you, Damon?”

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Damon then moves close to Elena, looks straight into her eyes, and clasps both her hands.  He then speaks to her, his voice trembling with guilt, devotion, and, above all love, “I shouldn’t have left.  I promise you.  I will never leave you again.”

Elena smiles.  And then they make sweet, sweet love on the Salvatore Floor . . .

Or at least they WOULD HAVE, if EVIL Stefan didn’t come to Cockblock.  “Well, well, well, isn’t this cozy?”  He says meanly.  (Though, honestly, he’s never looked hotter.)

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Apparently, Klaus has sent Stefan to keep his eye on his human blood bank, and her new lover.  Well . . . THAT’S certainly going to make things awkward . . .

Rise, Darth Vader Michael the Vampire Hunter

Elsewhere, Jeremy and Katherine (now there’s a pairing you don’t see everyday) come upon a church where Anna says Michael is buried.

Inside, there is a single tomb.  Katherine opens it, and sees and old dead dude, bound by heavy chains.  His eyes open abruptly.  The Vampire Hunter has officially returned .  . .

Peekaboo!  (I see you!) 

Next week’s installment, promises lots of RIPPING from Ripper Stefan, along with some sexually tense training in Vampire Fighting 101 between Damon and Elena *claps madly.*

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Oh, and Alaric’s back . . . Elena never did get the chance to glue his desk shut, did she?  Pity .  . .

You can check out the various promos for the episode, here:

Now, it’s your turn.  Sound off on all the crazy twists and turns of “The Reckoning” :  Emotion Free Stefan, Soon-to-be Less Lonely Klaus, Hybrid Tyler, Ghost Whisperer Matt, Wants-Badly-to-Have-Sex-with-Damon-Elena ;), and most importantly, MICHAEL.  Feel free to use the comment section, to BITE into all the juicy elements of this episode.  And remember, Ripper Stefan will be watching . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Fine Day for Misbehaving – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Disturbing Behavior”

[ Brief Note:  Recaps for Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial” and a Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid” should both be up on this site before Midnight, U.S. Eastern Standard Time.  This is what I get for trying to write two recaps at the same time, as opposed to being smart PATIENT, and just choosing one . . .  I blame Chuck Bass and his adorable new puppy, Monkey, of course. ;)]

 

Damon .  . . you’ve got a little something on your face.  I’m just going to lick it off, OK?  You don’t mind, do you?

Reverse psychology . . . it’s the notion that the best way to get someone to do ONE thing is to make him THINK that you want him to do something else.  Parents have been using this strategy to manipulate their teens for CENTURIES.  Why?  Because it works.  Simply put: teens like to rebel.  It makes them feel more grown-up, independent, and, of course, BAD ASS . . .

Now, THAT’S what I call Bad Ass.  I miss you, Elijah! 

This week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries was all about rebellion.  There wasn’t a single character on the show, who wasn’t trying to rebel against SOMEONE’S unreasonable expectations of them.  It’s just too bad more characters aren’t adept in the use of reverse psychology.  If they were, I suspect things would have gone a lot smoother for our friends from Mystic Falls . . .

“Sure, NOW you tell me . . .” 

Let’s recap, shall we?

(P.S. Special thanks, as always, go out to screencapping genius that is my good pal, Andre.)

Wake up!  Time to Shop!

“If I don’t see tents in your pants, I’m not buying it . . .  Well, actually, I only want a tent in Stefan’s pants.  If my brother gets a tent, I might puke up that security guard I just ate.” 

Original Vampire Rebekah has been napping for ninety years.  So, of course, as soon as she wakes up, she wants to go shopping.  (I would probably prefer to catch up on all the good television I missed.  But that’s just me . . .)  In a scene that’s mildly reminiscent of the Shopping Sequence from Pretty Woman, Rebekah tries on dresses from some swanky Chicago store, while Klaus and Stefan get Day Drunk on champagne, and take turns patronizing her, for sh*ts and giggles.

“These champagne glasses are AWESOME!” 

Rebekah is a bit of a “fish out of water” here, having missed out on the modern day joys of trance techno music and short slutty dresses.  It’s a bit ironic  to watch a girl who likes to eat people in public for fun exhibit moral indignation at the concept of wearng a dress that lands above the knee.

Klaus glibly remarks that people wore pant suits in Rebekah’s day, so that women could dress like prostitutes today.  But, honestly, the dress she had on was NOT that short . . . In fact, considering that Rebekah’s last memories stem from the Age of the Flapper, you would think that she’d have seen much shorter dresses in her first life time . . .

But hey, what do I know?

The last time Rebekah saw Stefan, the pair were LOVERS.  They were SUCH MAJOR LOVERS, in fact, that the Original Vamp was willing to defy her psychopath older brother to stay with Stefan.  So, understandably, she’s confused and a bit hurt by Stefan’s seeming indifference toward her.

Hey Rebekah . . . I have some reading material I think you might enjoy . . .

“I can always tell when you’re lying, Stefan,” Rebekah pouts, when Stefan boredly informs her that the dress she is wearing (which is AWESOME by the way . . . seriously, where can I get myself one of those?) is simply “nice.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m currently only capable of being turned on by women who look like Nina Dobrev.  Perhaps if you put on a brunette wig.”

Ummm . . .  actually Rebekah, EVERYONE can always tell when Stefan is lying, because he’s an AWFUL LIAR.

The only one who can’t seem to tell is Klaus.  And I’m pretty sure that this is because Klaus is secretly madly in love with Stefan, and, therefore, fully incapable of seeing his faults kind of like Elena.

Speaking of Stefan’s Fan Club the Original Vampire Brother/Sister Duo, currently, neither of them seem to have any idea, that Stefan regifted Rebekah’s much-coveted Magical Necklace to his last girlfriend, the decidedly not dead Elena.  And Elena, despite having been told, in no uncertain terms to F*&K OFF by Stefan, is still, at this very moment, wearing the damn thing . . .

Coincidentally, I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same necklace selling for $10 at Target, this week. 

Having already undoubtedly been forced by Elena to watch Pretty Woman about 85 times (He says he loves the Cinderella story, but secretly he just likes to ogle a 20-year old Julia Robert’s rack), since they started dating, an EXTREMELY unimpressed Stefan rushes outside for some “fresh air.”  It is there that he runs into a VERY familiar face . . .

“Stefipoo, I see you!” 

“Oh, I forgot, you’re ‘bad’ now . . .

I’m pretty sure that the only difference between Ripper Stefan and Good Stefan is that Ripper Stefan uses more gel in his hair . . . 

I’ve come to the conclusion that, despite Klaus’ assertions to the contrary, Stefan’s great LOVE of Rebekah wasn’t nearly as EPIC as Klaus or Rebekah would like to think it was.   After all, there’s really no love, like your first love . . . or like the love of the girl who looks just like your first love.

The minute Stefan encounters Katherine on a busy street corner, sparks begin to fly.  Katherine is doing that smirky thingy she always does when she’s being extra special flirtatious.  And Stefan is grinning from ear-to-ear, and has suddenly, and mysteriously, become a VERY CLOSE TALKER.

This time around Katherine actually seems kind of worried for Stefan’s well-being.  (My, the tables sure have turned, haven’t they?)  She knows all about the Tale of the Phantom Necklace, and hopes Stefan has a more devious plan for getting it back, than merely playing hard to get with Rebekah, so that Rebekah will become insecure of Stefan’s love for her, and sell out her brother, so that Stefan will “like her better.”  Here comes that reverse psychology . . .

(By the way, judging by the turn of events at the end of the episode, did anybody else wonder whether Katherine’s and Stefan’s surefire “plan” to attract members of the opposite sex was something that Katherine used on Damon, back when she rejected him during “The Return?”  If so, the only thing she got out of it was the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident . . . just sayin.’)

Stefan cockily claims to actually have a more advanced plan.  But, since he is a Salvatore, it seems genetically predetermined that whatever his plan is, it will almost undoubtedly suck royally.

Sorry, Damon.  But you’ve got to admit that I have a point. 

Not that this matters.  After all, the mere hint of a diabolical plan to defeat Klaus, once and for all, is enough to practically give Katherine an orgasm.  She wants IN and she wants in NOW!  But Stefan’s not having it . . . at all. Talk about playing hard to get!

A clearly jealous, and now, pouty, Katherine has some parting messages to leave wth Stefan.  “Watch out for that sister [Rebekah].  She’ll RUIN YOU,” the first Petrova Doppelganger tells the younger Salvatore Brother.  (It’s funny you mention that, Katherine, because Klaus said the same thing to Stefan, back in 1920.)  Could this possibly be an example of FORESHADOWING?

But you know Stefan, he’s “bad” now.  And, Bad Guys don’t listen to reason.  “I’m glad to know you still care,” Stefan says with a smile, throwing Katherine’s own words, from the beginning of the conversation right back in her face.

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Oh yes, Stefan, she DOES care.  And in about 30 minutes, you are going to be VERY relieved about that fact . . .

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls . . .

Sexy Kitchen Times with Delena, Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Who knew talking about “chili” could get you so hot?

Back in Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries, one of my first, and fondest, memories of Delena flirting was a now-iconic kitchen scene, in which Damon was joking with, teasing, and just generally rubbing all up on Elena, as the pair did dishes, following a Gilbert Family Dinner.

We got another taste of that this week.  And, if I’m not mistaken, it’s probably the FIRST TIME we’ve seen Elena smile ALL SEASON!

You see, this episode’s Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week, is nothing more than a LAME party at Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Seriously?  Couldn’t they be a bit more creative than that, like holding a Mystic Falls Bacchanal, or something of that nature.  I suspect Damon Salvatore is the kind of guy that could really be down for a Bacchanal . . .

Despite the fact that the ENTIRE TOWN seems to be invited to this damn thing, it’s also apparently a Pot Luck Lunch event.  So, Elena has decided to bake chili, in its honor.  And because all vampires (despite not having the need to eat) generally have manificent culinary skills, Damon is at her house, helping her find her G-spot do it. . .

“EVERYONE brings chili to these things,” gripes Damon.

But Elena is insistent on her choice of “pot” for the pot luck.  “It’s a Gilbert family recipe,”Elena retorts with pride.

“I’ve known the Gilberts for years.  And your family has sucky, chili!” Damon replies.

In response to this “devastating insult” to her family’s chili, Elena giggles like a little school girl (a very un-Elena thing to do, mind you), and then proceeds to hip bump / fondle Damon, as the two regard one another with a mixture of amusement and sheer animal passion.

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Now, THAT’S the Delena I remember . . . the one that consists of a smarky Damon, and a good-humored, non-judgmental, Elena. Keep it up, Writers!

Of course, now that Elena is being a less judgmental version of herself, new guardian Alaric has to step in and give Damon the STINK EYE for having the audacity to flirt wth Stefan’s girl.  (That’s funny, because I never considered Alaric and Stefan to be particularly close.  Did you?)

“How come neither of you wants any Chunky Monkey?  I’m starting to feel left out.” 

This, of course, prompts Damon to FLIRT EVEN HARDER, by cleverly remarking that the reason he has not left Elena’s side since the Big Bad Chicago Vacation, is because he’s very much hoping to make sweet, sweet love to her, on top of her kitchen table he fears she will eventually”crack” from Stefan’s recent dumping of her, and eventually come to need sexual psychological help from Dr. Damon.  As proof of this, Damon notes the fact that Elena is still wearing the vervain necklace Stefan gave to her.

“What do you say, you and me ditch Papa Ric here, and go up to my room, where I can show you all the different places you can, ahem, put my necklace?”

(I mean, sure, she DOES need a steady supply vervain to prevent vampire compulsion, given all the undead baddies she finds herself face-to-face with, on a nearly weekly basis.  But she can get that by drinking the lousy coffee from the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  So, the Necklace Filled with Weepy Now-Possibly Evil Ex-Boyfriend Memories is technically unnecessary.)

With Alaric’s jealous angry eyes on him, Damon whirls Elena toward him and tugs on the vervain necklace, so that the pair only have the thin piece of silver between them.  The move is a GOOD one.  And it, clearly, has an effect on Elena, who can’t seems to stop staring at Damon’s mouth (which she REALLY wants to kiss), or his chest, (because she REALLY wants to rip off his clothing.)

Nicely played, Damon, my man .  .  .

Speaking of males and females that not-so-secretly want to bone one another . . .

What, no Ghost Sex?  I feel robbed . . .

“He looks so peaceful.  I wonder what he is dreaming about?” 

“OH!  Cool!”

Jeremy Gilbert is lounging around in bed, having a wet dream about his dead girlfriend Anna, when POOF, she appears in bed next to him.  Now THAT is the coolest super power EVER!  Unlike the past few episodes where Ghost Anna merely stares at Jeremy moonily, utters some words of warning about Vicki, and blinks out of existence, this time, Anna actually TALKS to Jeremy.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you.  Heaven has NO hot guys, whatsoever.  I guess they all end up in Hell.” 

Jeremy subsequently responds, and the two actually have an EXTENDED conversation . . . one that probably makes Jeremy sound TOTALLY schizophrenic to anyone happening by his room, at the time.  It turns out, Heaven, or wherever the heck it is that Anna ended up, is TOTALLY lame and boring.  And so, my personal favorite of all of Jeremy’s girlfriends, both alive AND dead (The chemistry between these two is really smokin’) is thrilled to have a lover on Earth, who can hear her, and possibly even satisfy OTHER needs she might have  . . . ahem.

So, everything is going absolutely great . . . until Bonnie has to return from her Summer Away from Mystic Falls, thereby ruining Ghost Sex for the rest of us.  Gee thanks, Bonnie . . . or should I say, the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock.

“That man-stealing, B*tch!  I am so going to haunt her ass.” 

On their second meeting Jeremy gets a bit more information, both about why Anna keeps stalking Vicki. (“Everytime she appears, I sense a darkess in her.  I’m worried for you” . . .)

Umm . . . I think I know where that “darkness” came from . . .

. . . what causes her to appear, (“I can only appear when you are having sexual thoughts  thinking about me, and are open to it.”) . . .

“You know what they say about guys with big hands . . .”

. . .  and what sort of fun things they can do together, now that she’s back.  (Despite the fact that Anna is a ghost, Jeremy finds that he can FEEL her touch — OH HELL YES!)

HANDGASM!

Unfortunately, Jeremy starts to feel slightly guilty, when Anna keeps popping up, every single time, he’s with Bonne (who’s relationship reminds me more of brother  / sister than boyfriend / girlfriend, for whatever reason).  And so, after a freak incident, in which, the ghost who Anna claims is Vicki, set fire to a few Bennett spellbooks, putting both Bonnie and Jeremy in danger, Jeremy decides to FINALLY come clean to Bonnie about the whole, “I see dead people,” thingy.

“Actually, I just lent her my copy of The Sixth Sense, and sent her home, so that I could go back to ghost f*&king Anna.”

This causes Poor Anna to begin to fade away, or more accurately, melt, a la the Wicked Witch of the West.  She calls out to Jeremy in tears, begging him not to shut her out of his life, so soon after they both found one another again.  But alas, either he can’t hear her, or pretends not to do so.

“Jeremy!  You have to talk to me!  I can’t go back there!  I keep getting hit on by this creepy witch named Luka.”

No matter . . .  something tells me Anna won’t stay “dead to Jeremy” for long.  And when she DOES reawaken, my Big Dreams for TVD Season 3 Ghost Sex will be promptly renewed . . .

Elsewhere in town . . .

Douchey Daddy Strikes Again . . . Sort of

“Do you think it’s weird that the two of us have the exact same haircut?” 

Renewed besties, Damon, and the artist formerly known as Lizard Forbes, walk together through town, as they make cheesy jokes about Papa Forbes, the Big Gay Right Wing Vampire Racist.  Damon thinks it would be a great idea to kill this BASTARD, who, last week, thought it was a GREAT IDEA to try and BURN HIS OWN DAUGHTER to a crisp, in hopes of teaching her “discipline.”

“Stop it Dad, or I’m going to tell Mom you snuck out to that Celine Dion concert on the first night of your honeymoon.” 

“Liz” is strongly against this idea.  He’s still Caroline’s father, after all.  Plus, she still sort-of / kind-of understands where the guy is coming from, considering, not-too-long ago, SHE was contemplating doing something similar.

“Thankfully, I negotiated a clause in my contract this year, which requires that my character NOT be an evil daughter-killing wench . . .” 

“Just because you and  are on good terms now, doesn’t mean I approve of your [vampire] lifestyle, Liz cautions.

“Is that what you told him, before you two got divorced?”  Damon snarks.

Annnnd the vampires = gay people metaphor cheesy jokes just keep on coming . . .

Down in the same dungeon where Daddy-o was keeping Caroline last week, Liz Forbes is now storing the not-so-proud papa, himself.  Damon does a quick taste test on him to see if he is on vervain.

“Now I can see the resemblance between you and Caroline.  You TOTALLY taste like her.” 

He isn’t.  And so, he compels him to forget everything that happened last week, and simply leave town.

“Peekaboo!  I see you!” 

Sounds good, right?  Well, it turns out . . . not so much.  But more on that later .  . .

Switching Salvatores and “Taking a Beat”

“Coincidentally, if you do plan on boning Damon, I have some GREAT six tips, I’d love to share with you.” 

You know those sitcoms where, for an entire episode, all the supporting cast members tell the about-to-couple couple NOT to couple . . . and then they don’t listen, and decide to couple anyway?  Well, that’s pretty much what this week’s episode of TVD felt like (Though, without the happy desired ending.)

It all started with Caroline wondering whether Elena was switching Salvatores, having noticed a generalized flirtiness and chumminess between Elena and Damon of late.  It makes sense that Caroline, of all people, would be one of the first (aside from Alaric, of course) to notice this, given the equally sexually tense “friendship,” she and Tyler shared, before the pair started boning one another’s brains out.  You can always count on Caroline, not to beat around the bush.

“Come ON, Elena!  We all watched ‘The Hybrid’ episode . . .” 

Elena isn’t quite ready to admit to herself how hard she is clearly falling for Damon (and has been for some time now).  So, she merely continues DENYING, DENYING, and DENYING (at least at first) by claiming that Damon has just been “helping her, through the whole Stefan, thing . . .’

Yeah, here’s hoping he helps her with whole “celibate, since Stefan left,” thing too, sometime soon . . .

“See how this water runs down my chest and into my nether regions . . . that could be you, if you play your cards right.”

Elena’s wishy-washy initial response aside, Caroline, having not had the best dating experience with Damon in the past, herself, warns Elena about getting involved with him in that way.  Meanwhile, the newly judgy Alaric is in DAMON’S ear, telling him how INAPPROPRIATE his recent coupleyness with Elena has become.  And HE would know.  He sleeps next door to Elena, and probably hears her call out to Damon in his sleep.  (Dreams, don’t lie, after all!)

“Damon . . . try to remember all the good times we’ve had.  Why would you possibly give up this Chunky Monkey for some girl?” 

“I think you should take a beat,” Alaric tells Damon, regarding his buddy’s less than subtle pursuit of Elena.  (Yeah, Alaric now uses phrases like “take a beat,” because apparently, he has temporarily switched personalities with a square guest star cop from some bad seventies sitcom.)  Damon, of course, is super hurt that Alaric wouldn’t trust him to protect Elena, when that’s pretty much all he’s been doing for over the past two seasons.

Well . . . almost all he’s been doing . . . 

Uh oh, Alaric!  You may have just inadvertently sparked a Salvatore Brother Rebellion . . .

“I’ll show him!  Elena, come have sex with me.  NOW!” 

When your necklace starts BURNING YOUR SKIN, and spontaneously combusting, that’s probably a good sign you should THROW IT AWAY!

“My boobs are killing me.  If I didn’t know vampires couldn’t procreate, I’d be really worried I might be pregnant.”

Back in Chicago, Stefan looks on with his incredibly bad POKER FACE, as Witch Gloria tries to spell the location of “Elena’s Rebekah’s missing necklace.”  As she chants, back in Mystic Falls, said necklace starts doing weird crap, like BURNING ELENA’S skin, and floating in the air, and temporarily bursting into flames.  Elena reluctantly agrees to give the necklace to Bonnie, so that she can do a magical witch autopsy on it, and trace it for EVIL BUGS.

“It’s just a hickey guys.  I really don’t know why you are getting so upset over this.” 

Meanwhile, Gloria claims to KNOW where the necklace is, or at least, who has it.  And yet, for whatever reason, she decides to stall for time, telling Klaus and Co., she’ll have the necklace whereabouts for him shortly.  But, for now, they must leave . . .  “You guys are harshing my juju,” Gloria complains.

“Who are you calling a juju?  I was raised Protestant.”

Neither Rebekah or Klaus appreciate being told what to do by a mere witch.  However, Stefan who suspects Gloria might be purposefully holding something back, something that could be useful to HIM, convinces the brother/sister duo to exit stage left.  “Come on.  I’ll let you choose who we eat,” he says.

“And by that, what I really mean is that I will let you stick it anywhere.” 

Apparently, when it comes to bringing people (and vampires) together . . . there’s no tool quite as powerful as drained corpses food .  . . aside from sex, of course.

Speaking of sex . . .

Bondage Stefan . . . He’s BAAACK!

“First the Tomb Vamps and now THIS!  What did I do to deserve this terrible treatment?  Oh, that’s right, I’ve MURDERED over 1,000 people.” 

When Stefan excuses himself from eating some chick, Klaus assumes he’s off to “brood” or “write on a wall” or something.  But, really, Stefan wants to see Gloria about the necklace.  This is fitting, because Gloria wants to see Stefan too.

“So many hair care questions to ask . . . so little time.” 

In case it hasn’t been made clear up to this point, Gloria REALLY wants that necklace back.  And she knows that Stefan knows where it is.  And if Stefan won’t give up that information voluntarily, well, she’s just going to have to extract it from him . . . literally . . .

“When the director described this scene to me,  I really thought I would enjoy it more.” 

Cut to the next scene, where Stefan is all oiled up and nakey and strapped down to a table.  (Did a woman or gay man, write this episode?  I THINK SO!)  You know when we first met Gloria, I thought she was going to be on “our team,” because she had flirty conversations with Damon, and cool hair.  Well, I GUESS NOT!

Now, she’s slitting Stefan’s wrist to “collect his essence,” clamping his arms with weird bracelets, to prevent him from healing,  giving him headaches, Bonnie Bennett-style, and lathering vervain all up on his naked chest, porno movie-style.  Yet, despite it all, Stefan refuses to talk . . . And it REALLY sucks that he’s such a terrible liar.  Because such a skill would inevitably come in handy, in this instance.

Plus, as it turns out, Gloria doesn’t actually NEED Stefan to talk, because his “essence” is doing it for him.  (Seriously?  What kind of hippy bullsh*t is that?)  Cue the Stelena MONTAGE!  Now, it’s as if Gloria just watched all the “previously on” parts of The Vampire Diaries episodes, from Seasons 1 and 2.  She knows EVERYTHING .  . . from the fact that Elena is the Petrova Doppelganger.  To the fact that Stefan is pretty much FAKING his friendship with Klaus to protect Elena, to how much Stefan luuuuuuuuuuuves Elena.

“My essence really needs to shut the f*ck up!” 

Well, this is annoying!  So, of course, I cheered when BAMF Katherine STAKED GLORIA’S ASS, and killed her dead.  (Actually, I cheered the fact that Katherine saved Stefan.  I actually felt like Gloria and her bad juju should have stuck around a little while longer.  She was COOL!)  My only complaint, to this effect, was that Katherine didn’t then decide to jump his bones, considering he was all naked and waiting.  But, hey, we can’t always get what we want.  Right?

Well, THAT was kind of anti-climactic! 

Speaking of not getting what you want, Katherine finds just this out, when, after all that, Stefan STILL refuses to let Katherine in on his big bad  Klaus killing plans.  He does give her some crucial information, however,  As it turns out, part of Stefan’s “plan” involves locating the Big Bad Vampire Hunter Klaus seems so very afraid of, and getting HIM to do the dirty work for him.

Now, Katherine has what she needs to start her OWN mission.  So, THERE, Stefan!

Speaking of couples I ship . . .

Forwood Sex Revisited .  . . for about two seconds.

“Why are you wearing red?  I thought we decided we both hated the color red?” 

Perhaps, to apologize to us for the blatant lack of Delena, Kefan, and Jeranna sex we got in this episode, we do get one kind of random, but still adorable Forwood scene, amidst all the vervaining, and necklace grabbing, and hot-chili making.  Tyler comes home all hot and sweaty and red tank toppy from running or football practice or whatever, to find a perfectly coiffed Caroline lying on his bed, patiently awaiting his return.  As it turns out, she’s hiding from her father, who just so happens to be conveniently immune to vampire compulsion, and therefore, hasn’t left town as Damon instructed.  (More on that later.)

“Take me, you Big Bad Teen Wolf, you!” 

I love the wide-eyed excitement on Tyler’s face, when he sees Caroline in his bed, and just KNOWS he’s about to get lucky.

*insert cartoon noise of eyes popping out of head*

Teenage hormones and lupine urges aside, Tyler manages to be the sensitive boyfriend, by listening to Caroline talk about how she STILL loves her dad, despite the fact that he pretty much abused her in the worst way possible, and is a TOTAL asshat.  Tyler knows all about bad dads, and can relate.

He pulls Caroline’s head into his chest, affectionately.  And she breaks the spell, by remarking on how skanky his workout clothing smells.   (Hey!  Nobody’s perfect right?)  Fortunately, the stench isn’t enough to keep Caroline from ripping off Tyler’s tank top and beginning to have her way with him, right on his bed.

That’s one of the things I enjoy so much about this couple, put aside all the werewolf / vampire angst, and you’ve got two surprisingly normal, sometimes smelly, teenagers, who occasionally like to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. It just doesn’t get much more relatable than that.

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So, of course, Elena calls Caroline’s cell phone, and cockblocks the pair.  “It’s an emergency,” she tells Caroline.

Poor Tyler, I suspect he’s got a really bad case of THESE right now . . .

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.  And, I suspect, it won’t be the last, either . . .

Welcome to my Poopy List, Elena Gilbert . . . 

Kill Bill? Not if Alaric (or Caroline) have anything to say about it!

Damon had never been too keen on letting that Turd Bill Forbes live, in the first place.   But NOW that he’s vervain immune, showing up at Anti-Vampire Council meetings Uncle/Father John style, and threatening to “out” Damon (and there are those gay metaphors again!), he’s REALLY dead set on eliminating him!

Cue, Judgy McJudgerson Alaric, and his oh-so-annoying pleas to spare Beeeeel’s life.  Yeah, definitely not a fan of Alaric, this week, though I’m glad to see him finally taking on some responsibilities in this town.  More on that later.  Damon, apparently, isn’t either, which is why he KILLS him . . . temporarily, of course.  After all, Alaric still has his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, making him immune to supernatural murders, even those performed through natural means, like neck snapping.

So sleepy. 

To say Elena is not pleased with this recent turn of events, is the understatement of the century, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  She exclaims frustratedly.

You’ve been alone with me for practically four episodes and you haven’t once tried to jump my bones.  It’s Alaric, isn’t it.  Clearly, you’re in love with Alaric.”

Damon patiently (well, maybe not so patiently) explains to Elena that he is a VAMPIRE, and that this is the sort of thing that vampires do .  . . well, the ones who aren’t Stefan and Caroline anyway.

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“I may look really mad at you right now, but I still want to take you to my bedroom and give you the ride of your life.”

“That doesn’t mean that you have to act like one,” Elena pouts.

It seems that Elena somehow feels this need to prove to her friends that Damon isn’t the “monster” they claim him to be.  Possibly so that when she inevitably starts dating him, they won’t give her such a hard time.  Say what, Elena?  What happened to “I like you just the way you are?”  (How soon we forget?)

Elena’s short-term memory loss aside.  I actually think it’s a POSITIVE thing for this couple, that Elena obviously has strong enough feelings for Damon to constantly moan and b*tch about every little thing that he does.  Sure, she might be going about things the wrong way, by trying to make Damon into a surrogate Stefan.  But still, if she DIDN’T love him, she wouldn’t care how he behaved, right?

No?  Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“I am not Stefan!  How about you stop trying to turn me into him?” Damon replies, before storming off.

As an aghast Elena glares at the space recently vacated by Damon, as she waits for her not-so-guardian to return to life, Damon enters the Lockwood house, and confronts Bill AGAIN.  They each monologue a bit, not saying too much of interest, honestly, except for the part where Bill says that he’s immune to compulsion (particularly Damon’s “lazy” brand of it”), and that he knows Damon would never kill him, simply because he’s Caroline’s dad.

See what I mean about reverse psychology?  The next thing you know, Damon is sucking on Bill’s neck, like its a tootsie pop.  And part of me is REALLY hoping Damon turns him into a vampire.  Because wouldn’t that be the WORST and MOST FITTING PUNISHMENT EVER!  SERIOUSLY!

“DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!” 

Enter Caroline.  She’s mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore.  In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the first time Caroline caught Damon off guard, and kicked his ass, after learning how he compelled her to be his sex slave, back before she became a vampire . . .

. . .  Caroline literally throws Damon across the room, to get him away from her evil father.

“Did I miss something here?” 

“I’m stronger than you are, Little Girl,” Damon retorts as the too battle it out, or as Damon would call it “girlfight” (There was no hair-pulling involved, unfortunately).

“Yeah, but I’m angrier,” Caroline responds, successfully keeping Damon at bay long enough to shove her bloody arm in her dad’s face to heel him,and get him out of harms way.

Many fans were frustrated by the lack of realism (Yes, we often DO talk about realism on a show about VAMPIRES.  Got a problem with that?) inherent in Baby Vamp Caroline so easily disarming Not-So-Baby Vamp Damon, who’s about a century-and-a-half her junior.  From my perspective, Caroline was able to take down Damon this time for the same reason she so easily took him down, back when she first turned.  Simply put:  She caught Damon by surprise.  And he underestimated her strength.

Though I’m sure Caroline was VERY mad at Damon for chowing down on her sperm donor, I highly doubt this alone would have been enough to secure her victory.  She still kicks ass, though.  . .

In short thanks to the daughter he believes is SOOOO evil, Caroline’s AWFUL father got to live happily ever after.   Ummm . . . yay?

Seriously, though, kudos to Caroline for having love in her heart, even for those who do not show her love in return.  I doubt I could have been as mature as she was, if my dad locked me in a dungeon, strapped me to a chair, stole my jewelry, and tried to BURN me.

Original Rebekah – Vampire Snitch Extraordinaire

Now fully clothed (DARN!), and with Gloria out of the picture, Stefan sneaks off to Klaus’ Dead Family Member Museum, and undoubtedly, begins looking for Elijah, so that he can unstake him, and try to dig himself out of the massively deep hole into which he has dug himself, during the past four episodes.

However, before he can do this, Rebekah finds him.  Stefan tries to charm the girl into giving up information about the vampire hunter.  But, as it turns out, he hasn’t been all that charming since 1920.  (Modern-day Stefan has always had more of an understated, broody kind of charm, anyway.)

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It seems that our Cocky Ripper Douche has genuinely over-estimated the power of his weiner.  No Stefan.  Women you have not talked to in ninety years will NOT betray their brothers, and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to you, simply because you asked nicely.  I’m afraid most of us girls are a bit more complicated than that.  And Rebekah, apparently, is no exception.

The poo REALLY hits the fan, when Rebekah and Stefan make out, and Beks asks Stefan if he will ever again love someone as much as he loves the supposedly dead Elena, “Eventually,” Stefan replies.

Remember when I said Stefan was a bad liar?  Well, apparently, he’s also not so good at kissing people who he doesn’t believe are his soulmates.  And, as you know, Rebekah can ALWAYS tell if Stefan is lying.  The Bratty Original is crushed at having been played.  So, when Klaus returns to the Dead People museum, Rebekah IMMEDIATELY rats Stefan out for being “against [them]” and asking questions about Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael (Hallelujah!  He has a NAME!)

“Oh! SH*T!  Well that certainly didn’t go as planned.” 

“Haha, fooled you!”

Now, Stefan is up sh*t’s creek without a paddle, because Klaus will most certainly believe his sister over his FAKE brother.  Klaus lunges at Stefan, with murder in his eyes.

Annnnnnnd . . . then, we cut to commercial break . . .

The End of a Bromance

So, remember how I told you how Caroline became my HERO this week? Well, she did it AGAIN, by confronting Elena about her OBVIOUS romantic attraction to Damon, and seeming inability to admit it.

Elena woefully notes that “[If I do have feelings for him] (which she TOTALLY does), what kind of person does that make me.”  It makes you human, Caroline responds, giving Elena a hug.  OH HELL YEAH, CAROLINE!

Coming soon to a TVD episode near you . . . FOR REAL, this time.

You tell her it’s OK to love them both, because it TOTALLY IS!   (Especially, if loving them both, involves regaling us Delena fans with a HOT (but prime time channel appropriate)  sex scene some time in the future.

A girl can dream, can’t she?  Then, Caroline says goodbye to her father, who’s FINALLY leaving Mystic Falls.  Hopefully for good.  (Good riddens!  I HATE this douchebag!)  Papa Forbes gets a VERY minimal amount of points for actually thanking his daughter for saving his life.  But then, he loses them again, by telling Caroline that because she’s a vampire, she will [never be OK again.]

SERIOUSLY?  Why didn’t Damon kill this douchebag, when he had a chance?

Speaking of Damon, he’s back at the Salvatore Boarding House, trying to make amends with Alaric, by offering him a morning class of bourbon and OJ, from when he comes back to life.  After all, nothing says, “I’m sorry I murdered you in cold blood,” like a Big Ole Glass a booze . . .

“You killed me,” Alaric exclaims.

“You pissed me off,” Damon replies matter-of-factly, as if this should adequately explain away everything.

“YOU KILLED ME!”  Alaric exclaims again, clearly not quite sure whether Damon heard him the first time.

Clearly, Alaric doesn’t yet understand what it means to piss Damon off, despite the fact that Damon has killed him . .  . what . . . 85 times, by now.  (Yes, I’m exaggerating here.  But, I think you get the idea).  Oh, and also, Alaric’s ring is apparently on the fritz. It took him much longer to come back to life this time.

Perhaps, there are only so many times you can use this little Get-Out-of-Death Free card before it stops working entirely.  Or, maybe the more times you die, the longer it takes you to come back.  That sounds a bit like that “universe in balance hoo-ha the witches on this show are always, talking about, right?  Whatever the reason is for this recent Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality Anomaly, if I was Alaric, I’d be more than a bit afraid, right now.

In other words, your Chunky Monkey not be able to get you out of a jam, next time around.

But apparently, Alaric, ISN’T afraid.  He’s PISSED OFF.  And he proves this, by wrangling a position on the Anti-vampire Council.

If someone invited THOSE guys, surely Alaric can come too . . .

But he’s not a Founding Family member, you say?  Well, perhaps, not.  But he IS  Elena’s and Jeremy’s sole pseudo guardian / surrogate Gilbert.  He’s also one of the few folks in Mystic Falls who doesn’t secretly have a supernatural child (at least not one that he knows about), making him a fairly non-biased representative of Team Human.  Did I mention that he has a vampire killing weapons arsenal that would make Buffy the Vampire Slayer blush?

Now, don’t get me wrong, after watching Alaric drink himself stupid, and be depressed (with weird hair) for a couple of episodes, it really is nice to see him buck up and take a stand to help his town.  I just REALLY hope Alaric doesn’t become the new vampire hating Uncle/Father John Gilbert.  We all know how things turned out for him . . .

When One Road Trip Ends, Another Begins . .  .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Vampire Katherine (who must REALLY be wracking up those frequent flier miles), impersonates Elena again to get her precious MAGICAL vervain necklace from Bonnie.  She then shows up at Damon’s door, giving the poor guy the impression that she’s Elena coming to apologize for all her Alaric-murdering judginess.

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“Trouble-in-paradise already?” Katherine inquires with a smirk, when Damon makes moves to accept “Elena’s” apology.

Katherine wants Damon to go on a roadtrip with her, but she won’t tell him where.  I suspect the destination has something to do with this Vampire Hunter Michael of whom Klaus is so petrified.  Girlfriend is even willing to DRIVE, something, which I suspect she doesn’t offer very often.

Feeling a bit rejected by his Mystic Falls pals, of late (and with good reason, considering the episode he’s had) Damon readily agrees to road trip with the OTHER Petrova Doppelganger.

Rest assured, Vampire Hijinks and probably some Car Sex will ensue!

Elsewhere, Stefan wakes up in a truck, to find Klaus homoerotically watching him sleep (No big surprise there.).  Knowing he’s in BIIIIG trouble, Stefan starts yammering out a speedy apology / explanation / lie about the whole “Rebekah thinks I’m about to betray you” thing.  But Klaus doesn’t seem mad at all.  Just amused.

“You look so pretty, when you are petrified.” 

He knows that Stefan is hiding a secret from him.  And that secret is in Mystic Falls . . . which is where Klaus and Stefan are too now, once again . . . having arrived, quite fittingly, just minutes after Damon and Katherine, Stefan’s (and Elena’s) would be saviors have skipped town . . .

RUH ROH!

SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT:

Next weeks trailer looks juicy, and by juicy I mean bitey .  . . specifically Stefan it seems to suggest that Stefan is being forced (possibly by compulsion?) to chow down on Elena’s neck?  Is it to early to predict a DAMON-Y speedy return and subsequent Elena rescue?  All fingers crossed!

You can check out the trailer for “The Reckoning” here:

END OF SPOILER

So, what did you all think of “Disturbing Behavior?”  Was it sufficiently disturbing for you?  Did either Alaric or Tattletale Rebekah get on  your nerves this week?  Are you Team Bonnie or Team Jeranna?

And, perhaps most importantly, are you as ready for Elena to FINALLY switch Salvatore Brothers as I am?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The ORIGINAL Vampire Threesome – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The End of the Affair”

-Dating Profile for Klaus, The Original Hybrid-

Aliases: Nicklaus, Nick, Hybrid Dick

Age: Pretty F*&king Old

Turn Offs: People who don’t worship me, plans that have gone awry, prohibition raids, Vampire Slayers with wooden bullets, Were Zombies

Turn Ons: World Domination, Eating People, Rippers, Blood, Destruction, Sharp-Dressed Men, Silly Hair, Stefan Salvatore 

Greetings Fangbangers!  This installment of The Vampire Diaries transported us to a different time and place than we have ever visited before in the series — namely, Chicago, during the 1920’s.  It was an Age of Decadence and Excess in America.  A time when it was just as illegal to drink a glass of wine, as it was to drink blood from someone’s neck, in public.  And yet neither “law” was enforced particularly well  . . . Not surprisingly, the 1920’s was a time when the underworld was ruled by criminals, witches, and, of course, vampires . . .

So fill your glass up to the brim with your lovers’ blood (Mmm . . . yummy!), and raise your glass high.  Because my Lovelies, I daresay Klaus and the Ripper have arrived, which means its probably time to DIE . . .

(Special thanks, as always, go out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps, and the insolentgilbert tumblr for the majority of the fun little gifs you see here.)

“Damon . . . Can You Hear Me Now?”

The episode begins with Damon, looking sexy as ever, as he pours himself a bourbon breakfast of champions in his living room.  The phone rings.  It’s Katherine.

“I’m back, B*tches!”

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She appears to be calling Damon from a payphone, a strange archaic device I didn’t know still existed.  She wonders whether everyone has missed her while she was gone.  And Damon announces, “Nah, haven’t you heard?  I’m head over heels in love with your doppelganger now.  I am SOOOO over you that I don’t even remember your name.  What letter does it start with, again?” that, truthfully, no one has really thought about her since she was gone.

“What are you wearing?” 

Katherine undoubtedly seems a bit hurt by this revelation, but she brushes it off, instead, asking Damon why he hasn’t taken advantage of his current situation, by making a move on Elena in Stefan’s Ripper absence.  (Ahh . ..  Katherine, I always knew you were on Team Delena.  Thanks for feeding some fire to the flame, here.)  Damon brushes off the question, even though we KNOW he’s thinking about it (and will see a little evidence of that later).

Never one to beat around the bush, Katherine then reveals the REAL reason for her call, to give Damon information about Stefan’s whereabouts.  Katherine correctly tells Damon that Stefan is in Chicago with Klaus, who is seeking out his old pal, the witch to try and figure out, why the heck his Hybrid Spell made nothing but loser zombie’s with shorter lifespans than fruit flies.  She also reminds Damon, in a clever little spot of foreshadowing, that one doesn’t live on Earth for as many years as Klaus has, without developing SOME enemies.

It seems EVERYONE on this show is running from something, or someone . . .

This prompts Damon, of course, to wonder WHY Katherine is suddenly being so helpful, and possibly tailing Stefan.  What’s in it for her?

Something always seems to be . . .

Katherine admits that she is “conflicted,” as to whether she wants to help rescue Stefan, and hangs up the phone before Damon can get any additional information about HER whereabouts, or how she knows what she knows.

“I came back for YOU, Stefan.”

Of course, my Kefan / Stetharine heart tells me that Katherine, whether she wants to admit it or not, is doing all this out of love for the younger Salvatore brother. But, of course, I’ve been proven wrong before on this show . . . . many times.  So, who knows?

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Klaus is visiting one of his favorite watering holes, to talk to the resident witch there.  He also secretly hopes that, since Damon used to frequent this bar, himself, back in the 1920’s, seeing the place again, might help to bring back his “Ripper” Roots . . .

The BEST Wake-up Call EVER!

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Given the staunch Delena fan that I am, it should come as ABSOLUTELY no surprise to you that my absolute FAVORITE scene in this episode, was the one where a still-asleep Elena rolled over in bed, and smilingly cuddled into Damon’s chest, her small fist, clutching at the fabric of his shirt, as he stared down at her, mesmerized by her beauty and innocence.

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*insert porn music here*  Come on, Elena, RIP THAT PESKY SHIRT OFF THOSE DELICIOUS ABS.  You can do it!

Of course, then she wakes up, and pretends to be pissed at her future boyfriend for (1) sneaking into her bedroom at 6 am, and (2) pulling such a fast one on her.  (I told you he took Katherine’s advice to heart.)  But that didn’t make what he did any more hilarious or adorable.

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“You must have been dreaming about me.  That would explain the drool,” Damon jokes, delivering his first of MANY great one liners in this episode.

While the bedroom cuddle scene served as a direct inverse to the one in which Elena coddled a dying Damon, in “As I Lay Dying” . . .

  . . .  the scene that followed — in which Damon explains to Elena, that Klaus and Stefan are in Chicago, and they need to leave ASAP, in order to find him, reminded me of “Children of the Damned,” back in Season 1.  You know, the part where Damon barged into Stefan’s bedroom, where Stefan was clutching a post-coitus Elena, in order to tell the pair that it was time for the three of them to retrieve Katherine from the tomb.

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“If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.” 

The fact that Damon can now find Elena sleeping ALONE is telling of the future of this love triangle.

Elena, of course, wants to know what brings Stefan to the Windy City.  “Well, he’s not there to visit Oprah,” Damon responds.  (But honestly, wouldn’t it be kind of awesome if he was?  I’ve always secretly suspected Oprah of being a vampire.  I mean, how else would she be able to get everything done that she does?  Clearly, she must not sleep.)

She also wants to know how Damon suddenly has this information.  Not quite ready to reveal that he got it from Katherine, after all, Elena might get jealous, Damon takes the opportunity to deliver, yet another flirtatious zinger, “It came to me in a dream.  I was naked, you would have loved it.”

Oohh Damon, we all would have loved your dream.  But something tells me, Elena would have loved it, especially . . .

Anywhoo . . . more hilarity ensues, as Damon begins rifling through Elena’s underwear drawer (which was also something he seemed to enjoy doing very much, back in Season 1), and pulls out a sexy pair of lacy red underwear, ” Ohhh, put these in the yes, pile, he jokes.”

“Are these mine?  I have a pair just like these at home.” 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Downtown Chicago . . .

Vampire Road Trip – Part 26 (a.k.a. the “Wake up, and SMELL the Ripper, Elena,” World Tour)

We all know that when it comes to Elena, Denial, may very well be an alternate spelling for a River in Egypt, but it tends to run directly through Elena’s bedroom, where Stefan is concerned.  And so, in order to prepare Elena for their next Sure to Fail (They always DO!) plan to save Stefan, he begins by offering her Stefan’s diary for a little “light” reading.  (I hope she’s not one of those girls who get carsick.)

Stefan has girly handwriting. 

It’s ONE book.  And Stefan seems like the kind of guy who writes in his journal everyday, which makes me wonder if Stefan has an organizational format for how he keeps his diaries.  I certainly wouldn’t put it past Mr.  “I Rip Up Bodies” and Put Them Back Together, Because it’s Neat” . . .

Damon cracks me up, by launching into “Stefan” voice, as he reads to Elena about Stefan’s RIPPER RAGE blackouts, and how he wakes up in the morning with women he who he doesn’t recognize (I guess these sexual partners aren’t his victims, because . . . well, more on that later).  Of course, you can count on Damon to comment about Stefan’s SEXUAL escapades to Elena, in order to dig the knife in just a little deeper . . .

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This is not to say that Elena didn’t manage to get her fair share of digs in Damon’s direction, as well . . .

 

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Next stop Stefan’s old bachelor pad, which is a TOTAL dump, as Bachelor Pads tend to be.  That being said, I kind of like the idea of Stefan as a Single Vampire, spending his time in this apartment, getting wasted on booze, eating chicks, and pouring out his heart and soul to his great big WALL Diary.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Apparently, putting his Humpty Dumpty victims back together again, isn’t Stefan’s only serial killer trademark, he also WRITES THE VICTIMS NAMES ON A WALL so that he can remember all the kills.

You know, because Stefan isn’t a “Wham Bam, thanks for being lunch kind of guy,” unlike when he f*&ks you, if Stefan EATS you, you can be damn sure, that he will ask your name first.  I just wonder, how he does this, if he claims to black out, and continuously “lose time,” when he kills, just saying.

Elena huffily wonders what DAMON was doing back in the 1920’s, that he can be so judgy of Saint Serial Killer Stefan.  She suggests snarkily that he helped pave the way for Women’s Lib.  And I actually think that’s TRUE, just not necessarily in the way Elena envisioned it, if you catch my drift . . . 😉

Damon informs Elena that Stefan was a “Cocky Ripper Douche,” (another great phrase to print on a t-shirt, by the way), who Damon had no trouble avoiding while HE traversed the windy city, pretending to be a character in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel . . .

I also can’t help but wonder how NO ONE HAS EVER thought to search Stefan’s APARTMENT, particularly, when all the high school coeds started dying in his neighborhood.  I mean, think about it, this could have been the start of the shortest Law and Order, SVU episode EVER!

“Amateur!”

Another thing I thought about, when I saw the Not-So-Secret Wall of Weird, was that DAMON had one just like it, back when he was tracking Stefan in “The Birthday.”  I’m starting to think Wall Fetishes is a Salvatore genetic trait . . . after all, they do both seem to like WALL SLAMS .  . .

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(For those keeping score, remember the secret compartment containing the Wall of Weird in Stefan’s apartment, because it’s going to come in real handy later.)

A lot of people (myself included) have begun to get frustrated with Elena these past few episodes, due to her seeming total denial of Stefan’s Ripper Self, and the seeming double standard she holds for both the brothers.

“Are you REALLY going to bring that up again?  Do you have any idea what kind of episode I’ve had?” 

Having given this more thought, I think we can attribute this, at least, somewhat to the Jekyll and Hyde aspect of Stefan’s Ripperism.  While Damon tends to be an all or nothing, show all your cards, kind of ruthless vampire, Stefan exhibits a complete separation of those two parts of himself, partly so that he HIMSELF, can remain in denial of whichever one he currently ISN’T.

This allows Elena to discount how evil Ripper Stefan is, because, as far as SHE is concerned, Ripper Stefan is just some other guy who inhabits Stefan’s body on occasion.  He’s not her actual boyfriend.  Convenient, isn’t it?  Fortunately, by the end of this episode, Elena will be forced to recognize that Ripper Stefan and Boyfriend Stefan ARE in fact just two sides of the same person . . .

Anywhoo, Damon (WHO I LOVE) certainly doesn’t win any intelligence points this week when he (1) leaves Elena alone in Stefan’s apartment, while he searches for clues, knowing that there’s a good chance Klaus and Stefan might return there to get something; (2) tells Elena to come up with a plan on how to Save Stefan, when Elena’s plans always seem to involve (A) failing miserably and (B) almost getting everyone involved KILLED.

But, hey, we get it Damon, love can blind you to the obvious .  . .

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Speaking of love . . . or a SUBSTANTIAL LACK THEREOF .  . .

Here Comes the Sun (and it’s NOT all right with me) . . .

Ummm . . . you know, vampire still DO go to the bathroom. So, I hope you have a chamber pot somewhere in this dungeon of yours  .  . .” 

When we last left our favorite Vampire Barbie, she was shackled to a chair, in a strange, underground dungeon, and coming to grips with the fact that her OWN FATHER put her there!  To be honest, I haven’t decided yet whether the EEEEEVVVVIL Papa Forbes is one of those Wackadoo Religious Zealots, or if he’s just a TOTAL moron.

Listen, can we hurry this behavioral modification thing up?  I’ve got a date to see the new Jennifer Aniston movie, in about twenty minutes.” 

Because, SERIOUSLY, what kind of idiot thinks that vampirism can be cured through torture methods and behavioral modification techniques?

Oh, and  when Papa Forbes told Caroline that he wanted to “Fix Her,” did anybody else, aside from me, hear that Coldplay song in their heads? Anybody?  Anybody?

I guess not . . . 

Speaking of fixing, I know the “vampires are like homosexuals with different eating habits,” concept has always been more of True Blood’s fortay than The Vampire Diaries, but I couldn’t help but get a whiff of it, when Papa Forbes’ notoriously GAY daddy, was trying out his Blood Aversion techniques on his daughter.  Have you guys ever seen the movie “But I Am a Cheerleader?”  Just sayin?

Hypocrite much, Daddy-o?

Sure, there are plenty of vampires out there who feed on humans, because it’s fun to play with your food.  But, when it comes down to it, vampires drink blood because they NEED IT TO LIVE.  They are bloodivores.

“I’m not a DOG, daddy!  I’m not going to PLAY FETCH with you like all your loser boyfriends do.” 

And if they don’t feed, eventually they will weaken, dessicate, and quite possibly, DIE!  So, Papa F (short for F*&KER’S) little “game” of  pouring sun down on a ring-less Caroline’s head for minutes at a time, and then shoving a blood bag in her face, to see if it turned vampy, did NOTHING to curb her cravings, all it did was PISS HER OFF.

“This isn’t what I meant, when I said I’ve always dreamed of being in the spotlight . . . or what I meant when I said I wanted a tan.” 

And trust me, Daddy Dearest, if that was any OTHER vampire, aside from the calm and NON VIOLENT Caroline, he or she would have EATEN YOUR FACE so fast, it would have made your chewed up head fall off.  Now, THAT would have been good television!

Aside from the fact that this WAS her own father doing this to her, part of what made this scene so emotional was how docile Vampire Caroline was the WHOLE time it was happening.  It was almost as if she was accepting and understanding why her father was doing this to her, which was so sad, and so wrong, on so many levels.  She kept tearfully apologizing to her dad for NO GOOD REASON . . .

She was also pleading with him . . . explaining to him that he cannot fix her, and doesn’t NEED to fix her, in between bouts of excruciatingly painful sun exposure.

Kudos to Candice Accola for pulling off such a mixture of fear, frustration, angst, and depression, in these undoubtedly extremely difficult scenes to shoot.

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“I know.  I’m awesome.”

As bad as things got for Caroline, she needn’t have worried, little did she know that just as she was entering her darkest hour, her soon-to-be boyfriend was busy rallying the troops, bravely confronting Lizard Lizard Liza . . . dammit . . . I can’t call her that anymore, in light of how this episode went down!

I literally raised my first in triumph, when Papa Forbes emerged from Caroline’s dungeon at night fall, only to find himself staring down the barrel of his ex-wife’s gun.  “She’s our daughter,” Liz explains.  (I’m glad SOMEBODY noticed).  “Let’s not do this .  . . not because she’s our daughter, but because we love her.”

Liz promptly disarmed Bill, by shooting him, I believe in the leg.  Then out popped the red-shirted Tyler, who at Liz’s prompting used his werewolf-strength to easily break down the dungeon door, rush in, and break apart the shackles confining Caroline’s hands and feet.  And we all know how much Caroline and Tyler like S&M right?

Too soon?

Caroline is so weak from having spent the entire emotional day in a room where vervain seeps through the walls, and don’t even get me started on the whole SUN THING.  And so, she barely registers Tyler’s rescue of her at first, except to call out his name.

“We really have to stop meeting like this.” 

That said, there’s this really adorable moment, where Tyler is about to lift up Caroline to carry her out of the dungeon, and she instructs him to recollect her sunscreen ring, which her father had thrown across the room.  This puts Tyler in the position of having to KNEEL before a seated Caroline, and slide the Sunscreen Ring on her finger.  A goofy embarrassed look is exchanged between these two new lovers, upon realizing what they have done.  But then Tyler snaps out of it, carefully scoops up the wounded Caroline, and delicately carries her back OVER the threshhold toward the comforts of home  . . .

Talk about deja vu!  Once again, we have a depressed Caroline, recovering from a day of vampire-directed torture.(Girlfriend NEEDS a self-defense class, stat!)  Last time this happened, Caroline had Stefan and her girlfriends to help her cope with the pain.  This time, her mother is there, sitting on the edge of her bed, and feeding her a blood bag to help her regain her strength.  OK . . . so Lizard (I’m going to use it here.  But only for this one sentence) loses MAJOR points in my book for trying to justify her ex-husband’s painfully abusive actions to his having been “raised that way,” i.e. to believe vampires are evil.

Aside from the fact that violence toward your kid, should NEVER be condoned, no matter what.  I find it confusing that, assuming both Lizard, Carol and Bill were raised to believe that vampires were monsters who POSSESSED human bodies, once the REAL human soul died, what made Bill think he could HELP CURE Caroline in the first place?  It just doesn’t make sense.  Nevermind the fact that Caroline’s non-violent actions in this awful situation were proof positive that she does not pose a danger to Mystic Falls . . .

At least Liz fesses up to her own formerly murderous feelings toward her daughter here, noting that Caroline taught her an entirely new way to view vampires, and that, one day, her father would come around to this way of thinking as well . . . hopefully . .

Speaking of danger, Liz (see?) gets back in my good graces, by letting Tyler visit Caroline alone in her bedroom, despite the fact that its quite obvious from looking at these two, that they have had sex together.  I love Tyler’s facial expression as he enters the room.  It’s a perfect mixture of sadness, upon seeing Caroline’s depression and pain, up close, relief at her safety, and pure unadulterated love.  Kudos to him for lightening up a dark moment (and taking the words right out of our mouth), by teasing Caroline for the Walk of Shame that, when you think about it, got her into this mess to begin with.

“Would now be a good time to give you crap about sneaking out on me, yesterday morning?” He snarks cutely, before crawling into her bed, and cradling her as she finally allows her true emotions to come to the surface, an aspect of the Forwood relationship I’ve enjoyed since the Coed Naked Couch Cuddle, back in the Season 2 finale.

As Tyler hugs Caroline close, and runs his fingers through her hair, Caroline cries, “My father hates me.”  (Oh man, did I start bawling during this scene.)

Tyler, who, himself, is no stranger to paternal abuse, doesn’t say anything in response to this comment.  He doesn’t need to.  Instead he just continues to hold Caroline . . . silently reminding her that she is not alone.  And that HE will continue to stick by her, no matter what.

All together now . . . “Awwwwww.”  Meanwhile, in other “couples, news . . .”

Klaus and Stefan .  . . The RED Hot Love Affair Begins . . .

Over at the bar called Gloria’s a witch (NOT A VAMPIRE), who was a alive in the 1920’s, and is miraculously no older than 40 today . . . you know . . . because of a crapload of plastic surgery spells and stuff, tells Klaus that the only way he can figure out what went wrong in his little Hybrid spell is to “contact” the ORIGINAL WITCH who cursed him in the first place.  Fortunately (well . . . actually UNFORTUNATELY, since we all already have a pretty good idea as to why the spell didn’t work), Gloria agrees to help Klaus contact the “Original Witch,” provided Klaus get her The Necklace, last seen around “Rebekah’s” neck.

“Rebekah’s a little preoccupied,” Klaus notes causually, in, what we learn later, will be the understatement of the century.

Meanwhile, Stefan is making drinkings behind the bar, when he finds a picture of himself in 1920, with his arm around his current boyfriend Klaus, who he doesn’t remember meeting before Season 2.  Well, isn’t that weird .  . . (Then again, as we learned from Stefan’s diary, heDID have a habit of not asking the names of his sexual conquests.)

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Perhaps, he should have kept a separate Sex List on his Wall of Weird, so that he could relive THESE experiences as well . .  .

Uh oh . . . I sense a FLASHBACK coming on . . .

We’re in the 1920’s now.  And I have to say that the production values on this episode are rather impressive, especially considering that all of it was done on a CW budget, as opposed to say a Boardwalk Empire one . . .

Stefan’s snacking on a flapper chick in the backseat of a car, and manages to take her rose as a souvenir before entering Gloria’s bar.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me? ANSWER ME!  Oh . .. wait . .  . nevermind.”

Apparently, Gloria not only makes a mean blood cocktail for the vampires who frequent her establishment, she also, apparently sings.  This, of course, is a slightly younger version of the Gloria we meet in present day.  Most notably, she lacks the Sinead O’Connor haircut, and take-no-sh*t attitude of her 21st century counterpart.

“Eat your heart out Beyonce . . . whoever the hell that is.” 

Anywhoo .  . . Stefan apparently rules this bar, like its his dominion.  (I suspect he might even sleep here on occasion, since his apartment is such a dump.)  Gloria even stops her singing to say hello to the Cocky Ripper Douche, who seems, in the 1920’s at least, to be acting a bit like . . . well . . . like Damon.

Love is in the air at Gloria’s and Stefan literally walks into an attractive blonde, who in alternate universes was known for both being a mermaid, and one of Emily’s MANY lesbian girlfriends on PLL.  The attraction is obvious and immediate, most notably because this woman is a vampire.   Her face gets all veiny, as she smells Dead Lady on Stefan’s breath, and you just KNOW it turns her on.

“I love the smell of chewed intestines in the morning.”

As most spectacular relationships on this show do *cough Delena cough,* Stefan’s and Rebekah’s (yes, that’s her name), and even Stefan’s and Klaus’ (as we will see in just a bit) begin with flirtatious love/hate banter.  We see Rebekah bitching at Stefan and his buddies for being TOO LOUD in the bar.  (Really, Rebekah?  How prissy ARE YOU?)  She also refuses to tell the Cocky Ripper Douche her name, until he EARNS it.

Wanna know how he earns it, by eating off the same PLATE as Rebekah.  And by “same plate,” I actually mean THIS . . .

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That’s right, Fangbangers, you’ve heard of Public Displays of Affection, but Public Displays of Cannibalism take romance to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL apparently . . .

We notice immediately that Rebekah appears to be wearing the prized vervain necklace that Elena is perpetually losing so that Damon can sexily put it back on her neck . . .

At first, I thought it was SUPER CREEPY that Stefan gave his OLD girlfriend’s prized necklace to his NEW girlfriend, no matter how many decades apart they were.  (Then again, this is the guy who dates two women who SHARE THE SAME FACE.  So, what do you expect?)  However, later we will learn that Stefan’s accumulation of that necklace is much more innocent than one would initially think.

Oh, and did I mention that Elena’s necklace has MAGICAL POWERS and that all these witches and original vampires want it back for some reason?   I didn’t?  Well . . . consider it mentioned.  Man, if Elena wasn’t in trouble before . . . She’s sure up Sh*t’s Creek, without a paddle now.

Anywhoo . . .  now that Stefan and Rebekah are in luuuuuuuuuve, it’s time for Stefan to meet The Family, or, more accurately, the BROTHER.

Yep . . . Rebekah just so happens to be Klaus’ little sister . . . an ORIGINAL.  And so, now we’ve met three members of the Original family .  . . possibly four . .  . but more on that later.  Klaus is sizing up Stefan and he CLEARLY HAS A BIG GAY CRUSH ON HIM ALREADY AND IS TOTALLY JEALOUS OF HIS SISTER FOR SNAGGING SUCH A HOTTIE isn’t sure he likes what he sees . . .

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“You are right, Little Sister, he does have funny hair,” Klaus remarks, which is TOTALLY true, by the way.

Ahh, see, I’m going to keep calling him Klaus, for the rest of this recap for ease of reference.  However, have you noticed that Klaus seems to change his name every century or so?  Back in 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue  everyone referred to Klaus as the Lord Nicklaus (pronounced NEE-KLAUS).  In present day, he’s just plain, “Klaus.”  And, in the 1920’s, he appears to be “Nick.”

Talk about an identity crisis?  Who the hell are you, DUDE?  No wonder Klaus and Stefan get along so well, they both have Multiple Personality Disorder . . .

But, I digress . . .

During a dinner table conversation, we learn some interesting tidbits about Klaus’ Big Happy Coffin family.  I for one, had always assumed that Klaus was the Black Sheep of the family, due to his “illegitamate child” status, and that he drags his brothers and sisters coffins around with him, as a big ole F*&k You to them for rejecting him.  But according to Rebekah and Klaus, this isn’t the case.  Apparently, there was some in-fighting among the Originals Family (possibly, about whether Klaus should break the curse, and become a hybrid?).  Those who sided with Klaus (like Elijah, and apparently, Rebekah, got to live a little bit longer, and those who didn’t were immediately staked.

Interesting . . .

Back at the interrogation, Klaus wonders what so sexy about Stefan that he deems himself worthy to date an Original.  Though he’s probably hoping Stefan will take this as an opportunity to give him and “Beks” a lap dance at the table, Stefan, instead, does something ruthless.  He compels a couple over to his table, and forces the male of the couple to drink the female’s blood for fun, before ultimately killing him, and, quite possibly, her too.

This, apparently, gives Klaus such a big boner that he immediately wants Stefan for a lover brother-in-law.

You know what else makes Klaus want Stefan as part of his family?  Well, for all his cocky doucheness, Stefan just so happens to be a SPECTACULAR kiss ass.   We see him and Klaus, all buddy/ buddy at the bar table, as Klaus confides in him about how his family all wanted him dead.  “They just don’t want you to be who you are . . . a KING,” slurs Stefan, the brown dripping off his nose, as he speaks.

Feeling bolstered by the compliments, and generous, Klaus takes this opportunity to give Stefan some brotherly advice about dating his sister (which, actually is creepy, on a whole lot of levels).  Klaus basically tells Stefan that eventually Rebekah always leaves her boyfriends, so he shouldn’t get to attached . . . you know . . . “Chicks, man!”

Once again, we get an inkling that Klaus once had his heart broken by a woman, possibly, the Original Doppelganger,  Charlotte Petrova.

Back in present day, Klaus shows Stefan Rebekah’s corpse, and he STILL doesn’t remember this woman, who he supposedly loved so deeply, back in the day.  He also doesn’t remember being such butt-buddies with Klaus, “Why do I only know you as the Hybrid Dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on a Ring of Fire?”  Stefan inquires, as the two have drinks later in the day . . .

Well, there’s more to the flashback, of course . . .

Back in the 1920’s there was a Prohibition-Fueled RAID on Gloria’s bar.  Gunshots ripped through the place . . . but the bullets in those guns were WOODEN.  This causes Klaus and Beks to realize that they’ve been found . . . but by WHO?  Who the heck would be powerful enough to cause TWO supposedly invincible Original Vampires to run scared?  Is this just a vampire slayer, or is it, an ORIGINAL Vampire Slayer? Like . . . say . . . Klaus and Rebekah’s FATHER?  Of course, I’m just speculating here . . .

Whoever it is . . . Klaus decides that he and Rebekah should not just LEAVE the bar, they should skip town completely.  At some point during the melee, Klaus finds Stefan and sadly compels him to forget ever knowing him and Beks (A-HA!)  “I’d forgotten what it was like to have a brother,” he says sweetly, before finishing the job.

(But WAIT . . . what about ELIJAH?  Wasn’t he around during this time?  I’m confused . . .)

Stefan’s compulsion aside, when the time comes for Klaus and Beks to go, Rebekah refuses, claiming that she wants to stay with STEFAN.  (Seriously, this guy must have the BIGGEST WEINER EVER?   How else does he keep getting EVERY SINGLE GIRL, even vicious vampires like Katherine and Beks to drop everything for him?)

I’M HUGE!”

Klaus doesn’t take too kindly to this, and stakes her with that White Oak Ash Dagger, that’s starting to seem less and less RARE the further we get into the story.

Well, THIS picture looks a little incest-y. 

Moments later, Stefan is in a now empty bar, where he picks up Beks necklace, which calls to him somehow, even though he no longer has any memory of its wearer.  And THAT’S how ELENA got her vervain necklace.

So, remember how Katherine said that she used to stalk Stefan throughout the decades?  Well, we see her here, in the shadows, wearing what looks like DAMON’S hair, undoubtedly jealous of the woman who briefly stole Stefan’s heart from her . . .

But wait . . . there’s more to this flashback.  SOMEONE comes to Stefan, and shows him pictures of Klaus and Rebekah, asking for information as to their whereabouts.  Fortunately, for Stefan, he can now truthfully be of no help to this man.  But, clearly, THIS guy is pretty scary, if KLAUS is afraid of him.  He may even be the reason Klaus wants to build a hybrid army to begin with . . .

Stefan questions Klaus about this Mystery Man, but Klaus is all moody, and doesn’t want to talk.  “Storytime’s over,” he says.

He then de-stakes Rebecca, compels the guard to tell her to meet him at Glorias, when she wakes up, and to allow her to feed on him, until he dies.  Such a generous Big Bro!  That Klaus!

Meanwhile, in present day . . .

Klaus Temporarily Loses His Vampire Sense of Smell, and it Saves Elena’s Life

Here’s  some irony for you.  Or, perhaps, it’s just another example of how TERRIBLE Damon and Elena are at Rescue Plans. So, Damon arrives at Gloria’s about the time that Stefan and Klaus, head back to STEFAN’S OLD APARTMENT, where ELENA is, so that  Kaus can give Stefan the same Magical Memory Tour Damon gave Elena earlier in the episode.

STEFAN: “I didn’t realize you and I were close enough, back in the day that I would invite you back to my room.”

KLAUS: *whistles uncomfortably* 

So, while Gloria flirts with Damon, “I always liked you better,” she tells him . . .  (AT LEAST SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW DOES!  I mean, seriously, look at him!  What is wrong with these women?) . . . Elena sits on Stefan’s bed (where undoubtedly, 1,000s of women died / and or got laid) reading in Stefan’s diary about how Lexie pulled Stefan back from Ripperdom in the 30’s.

This makes her hopeful .  . . but the language in Stefan’s diary makes ME a little nauseous.  “Lexie taught me how to LAUGH again.” GAG!

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Fortunately, this installment of Deep Thoughts with Non-Ripper Stefan is interrupted by the arrival of Klaus and Ripper Stefan at Stefan’s old place.  And, of course, you guessed it, Klaus wants Stefan to see his Wall of Weird.  And, you guessed it again, that’s exactly where ELENA is hiding!

“It’s not an episode of TVD, if my life isn’t in danger at least once per episode, right?  It’s a good thing I’m the star, otherwise, I’d be crapping in my pants here . . .” 

Now, we all know how SCREWED Elena is, if Klaus finds out that her LIVING is the reason that Klaus can’t convert his hybrid army, right?

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“Pssst . . . get rid of the old guy, and you and I can have a quickly up against your Murder Victim List.  Now THAT would be hot.”

So, we all hold our breaths, as Stefan locks eyes with Elena, and the two of them share a MOMENT.  Meanwhile, Klaus is . . .  I don’t know jerking off . . . or doing something else plot convenient, so that he doesn’t find Elena YET . . .  Then Stefan, calls to Klaus, and says, “Look what I found,” and that’s the moment I want to REACH INTO THE TELEVISION AND RING HIS RIPPER NECK!

But not to worry, he was just talking about booze.  Stefan let Elena live.  There’s still some humanity left inside him . . . for a few more minutes, anyway. 😉

The Grand (but once again ineffective) Plan

When Damon finally arrives home, Elena rightfully gives him some grief for leaving her alone in Stefan’s apartment, and almost getting her killed AGAIN by Klaus.  In Damon’s defense, he does seem to feel incredibly guilty about this.  But there isn’t really any time to discuss how this makes both of them “feel.”  After all, they have a Freaking Hungry Ripper to catch!

Elena’s Grand Plan is remarkably similar to the one she and Damon enacted, back in Season 1’s “Blood Brothers,” and it worked back then, surprisingly enough.  Elena will get Stefan alone, vervain stake him, and bring him back home.  Of course, unlike last time, there’s a new Wild Card in this situation, and his name starts with a “K” and ends with a “laus.”

That’s right!  Damon has to distract Klaus, while Elena is busy doing her thing with Stefan, and . . . you know . . . not get killed.   So, Elena puts on a sexy purple dress she packed for the occasion, and the two head to Gloria’s, since Gloria said Klaus and Stefan would be returning there that night.

Klaus and Stefan are sitting together at the bar, when Damon appears, and motions for Stefan to come chat with him.  Stefan gets away from Klaus, by saying he needs to drink a human.  Once outside, the Salvatore Brothers engage in their usual family greeting, a Wall Slam.  Once again, Stefan repeats what has become his Broken Record Monologue of “Damon stop following me.  You need to protect Elena, blah, blah, blah.”

“You are the biggest COCKBLOCK ever, and most of the time you aren’t even in the same STATE I’m in.  How do you MANAGE to you manage to do that?” 

Except this time he actually EXPLAINS TO HIM the whole Hybrid business, and why it’s extremely important that Klaus not know that Elena has foiled his 500 years in the making, plan.

That’s what we’d like to know . . . 

Then Damon leaves Stefan to chat with Elena, while he goes inside to distract Klaus.

Stefan Abjures Elena, Damon Develops a Distaste for Girly Alcohol Drinks with Umbrellas in Them

Inside the bar, Klaus cleverly remarks that Gloria’s has opened the doors to all the Riff-Raff.  To this, Damon smirks his trademark smile, does his Eye Thing for Klaus, and tells him that he’s been called much worse.  Klaus is clearly getting annoyed with Damon for not leaving him to play with his new Surrogate Brother / Playtoy Stefan.  But Damon just wants his brother back.

DAMON: “I know you LOVE Stefan.  And that it’s always going to BE Stefan.  But don’t you find me the least bit attractive?” 

Klaus than remarks that Damon seems to have some sort of a Death Wish (which is totally TRUE by the way), before grabbing him by his neck and raising him off the ground.  Klaus then proceeds to prod Damon with those cute little umbrellas bars put in Margaritas and Pina Coladas.  The problem, of course, is that THESE umbrellas are tipped with vervain, and they hurt like a B*TCH!

Despite being in pain, Damon continues to work his angle, offering Klaus to take him as sex slave wing man instead, since he is so much more fun than his brother.  Normally, I’d concur with this statement.  But since I NEED more alone time between Damon and Elena in my life, I’d have to say NOOOOOOOOOOOO to this suggestion of Damon’s.  Klaus then remarks that by the time he’s through with Stefan, Stefan will NEVER want to return to his own life.  And, as viewers, we can’t help but wonder whether Klaus might have a point there . . .

“Bibbity Bobbity BOO!” 

Then Klaus moves on from umbrella stick torture to WOODEN STAKE MADE FROM A CHAIR TORTURE, which, if successful could mean the END OF DAMON . . . and I’m not just talking about an Originals Taking a Nap Type End.  I’m talking about the REAL DEAL.  Fortunately, our Witch Woman Gloria is there to save Damon from certain death . ..  not really because she cares about him all that much, but simply because she doesn’t want to get blood on her recently washed bar floors . . .

Meanwhile, outside, Elena has what at least BEGINS as a heartfelt reunion with Stefan.  ‘You shouldn’t be here,” he says.

“Where else would I be?” She inquires.

“You smell different.  In fact, you smell like Klaus.  Have you been cheating on me?  I really hope not.  I can take your killing thousands of innocent people, while we’re separated, but not your having sex with some dude.” 

Then she rushes to hug him, and he lets her.  For a few moments, they share a gentle embrace, until we see he vervain needle in Elena’s hand.  It’s poised on Stefan’s back.  You ever hear the phrase, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, Stefan isn’t about to play the fool here.  So, he grabs Elena’s hand, which is carrying the dart, and twists it so hard he nearly breaks it.

And it’s a BIG DEAL, because it’s the first time Stefan has lashed out at Elena, while being “in control.”  Though he lunged at her in “Blood Brothers,” that was more out of bloodlust than anything else.   This was calculated to SCARE Elena, and it did, but probably not as much as Stefan had hoped.

So, Stefan is forced to be completely honest with Elena, forcing her to hear the things she’s been denying all this time.  He tells her about the bodies he’s left across the East Coast. 

It’s nice sometimes . . . being remembered.

He tells her how last time he fell off the wagon like this, it took him THIRTY YEARS to get back onto it . . . roughly half Elena’s life.  And then, he DUMPS HER, in a practiced way that reminded me a heck of a lot of the WEREWOLF ABJURE we saw in this Season’s True Blood.  Fans of that show can corroborate that for me, I think.

“It’s done,” he says.  “That part of my life is done.  I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want to be with you.  I just want you to go.”

And then Stefan walks away, leaving a tearful Elena to FINALLY face the fact that her first true love may be gone forever.

Poor Damon and Elena.  They both look pretty beaten up, both physically and emotionally, by the time they get back in their car, and prepare to head back home.  Damon might have imagined this day in his head, in the past, and thought he would be elated to have a REAL SHOT at romantic bliss.  But now, he just seems sad that the woman he loves more than life itself is in so very much pain.  “Are you OK?”  He asks Elena, knowing, of course, that the answer is definitely no.

“Just drive,” says Elena stoically, the firm tenor of her voice, belying the tears in her eyes.

And so, Damon does . . .

Back, inside Gloria’s . . .

“Oh, so THAT’S REBEKAH!  Now, I remember!  I think I’ll turn full on EVIL now, thank you very much . . .”

“I just had the strangest dream.  And you were there .  . . and you . . .” 

While Stefan is abjuring Elena, Klaus enters the room where Rebekah’s coffin was to find it empty, and the security guard dead.  Then Rebekah jumps out of nowhere, and surprises Klaus by stabbing HIM with the White Oak Dagger, which would be REALLY COOL and shocking, except for the fact that he’s IMMUNE to it now, being a Big Bad Hybrid and all.

“You knew it wouldn’t kill me,” remarks Klaus.

“I just thought it would hurt more,” responds Rebekah petulantly, like brother, like sister, I guess.

Then Stefan arrives, and Klaus compels him to remember both his love for Rebekah, and his friendship / gay love brotherhood with Klaus.  Stefan’s eyes get all twinkly and starry eyed, and you can tell a MAJOR change has taken place within him.

That there is SOME POWERFUL COMPULSION.

Now, comes the funny part.  Just like a big brother, Klaus asks Rebekah where her necklace is, and scolds her for losing it before he, you know, KILLED HER and stuff.  Then Stefan remembers EXACTLY where the necklace is.  And we can just hope that he’s not far gone enough to sell out his ex-girlfriend . . .

Back at home Katherine and Damon have another flirty phone conversation, where Damon tries to guess where she is, and Katherine doesn’t tell him.  At the end of the episode, we find out exactly where she is and its totally expected shocking.  She’s in CHICAGO, just like her Boy Toy Stefan, of course.

The question IS .  . . what exactly is she planning to do there?

I guess we will have to tune in next week to find out.  So, tell me, what did you think of Cocky Ripper Douche Stefan, his girlfriend Original Rebekah, Hybrid Dick Klaus, and their wild and wonderful journey to the Ripping Twenties?  How about Delena’s morning after bedroom cuddle?  And Tyler’s rescue / wedding foreshadowing scenes with Caroline?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.

Until next time . . .

Oh, and P.S.,, here’s the promo for next week’s episode, “Disturbing Behavior,” and I have just one thing to say about it, well, THREE actually (1) Bondage Stefan returns; (2) GO Team Kefan; and, of course, (3) What is wrong with YOU, Elena?  Give the poor guy a break and have sex with him already.

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Lost (and FOUND), Wet (and WILD) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Hybrid”

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ELENA: *I will not think about the last time I saw Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about . . .*

DAMON: “Elena?”

ELENA:  “Yeah, Damon.”

DAMON: “You do realize you are speaking out loud, right?”

Woo!  Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I don’t know about you guys, but I am still riding on the SPECTACULAR HIGH that was watching this episode.  I mean, talk about an hour of television that had something to offer everyone!  Well, unless you’re a Bonnie fan . . .

You like Team Ripper?

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We got some of that!

You’re a fan of Salvatore Brother Bonding?

Yeah . . . we got that too.

Homoerotic Times with Jeremy and Matt?

CHECK!

Team Badass?

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BINGO!

Dysfunctional makeshift families, with weird, yet oddly hot sexual tension?

ON IT!

Tyler defending Caroline’s honor, like a BAMF?

DONE!

Cliffhangers?

SURE!

Stelena hopefulness?

Umm . . . yeah . . . I guess.

AMAZING DELENA MOMENTS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY TEARS OF JOY, AND SEXY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR PANTIES FALL OFF?

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OH HELL YESSSS!

OK . . . as usual, we have a TON to cover. So, chug down your vervain coffee, pack up all your nifty vampire slayer weapons, and don’t forget your beer, bong, or bathing suit. Because, it’s time to go for a little hike with our favorite Mystic Falls’ supes . . .

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(As always, special thanks to Andre for the GLORIOUS screencaps you see here.  Also, I must give a shout out to the BRILLIANT insolent gilbert tumblr.  Whoever you are, you somehow READ MY MIND, this week, by seeming to capture NEARLY EVERY GIF I wanted!  And I love you (in a completely platonic way, of course. I’m saving myself for Damon Salvatore.)

“I’m Really Sorry Your Girlfriend’s Dead, But . . . No, I’m Really Not. Can We Please Talk About Stefan Some More?”

“Hey!  Why are taking down your Stefan Stalker Board?  I was hoping we could play a rousing game of Pin the Tail on the Murder Victim!” 

Ahhh . . . what a difference a day makes.  Around this time, a couple of days ago, the CW released this first scene of the episode as a webclip.  And as a result, Elena and I were kind of in a fight.

“WTF, Recapper?  I thought we were friends?”

I know, I know.  Elena was all MOVED, by her BIG EMOTIONAL PHONECALL with Stefan  . . .

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“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

And she REALLY, REALLY wanted to tell her man, Damon all about it, so that they could sit in bed together, and analyze the meaning of it all . . .

ELENA: “So, do you really think he likes me?  Should I ask him to prom?”

DAMON:  “Hmm . .  . I don’t know . . . let’s sleep together on it.”

But, really, I mean, the guy’s girlfriend just DIED, like YESTERDAY, in TVD time!  Soooo . . . a little sympathy might have been in order here.  You know, maybe Damon could have used a big bear hug, like Elena gave him when man-stealer Rose died . . .

Or at the very least, she could have offered up a “Golly gee, I’m sorry for your loss.  It really sucks that my significant other KILLED yours.”  (In her defense, I don’t think she realizes yet that Stefan was actually the one who killed Andie.  Maybe she actually thinks “it’s just a coincidence.”)

At first blush, this first scene looked, more or less, like a carbon copy of the scene that took place toward the middle of “The Birthday,” (which, coincidentally, was also released by the CW as a webclip).  In both scenes, Elena barges into Damon’s bedroom, like a nagging girlfriend (He’s right!  She really CAN’T stay away!)

 . . . and demands that Damon help her save Stefan.  Also, in both scenes, Damon INSISTS that there is no longer a “good” Stefan to save.  In fact, in this scene, Damon takes HIS argument, one step further, by actually BURNING the remnants of his previous search for his brother.

Cute butt alert! 

However, after watching “The Hybrid,” I can now recognize that this scene HAD to kick off the episode, in order to further illuminate the state of mind changes both Elena and Damon underwent throughout the course of the hour . . . Damon, regarding his feelings about whether his brother is actually lost to him forever, and Elena regarding her recognition of her feelings toward Damon.

Needless to say, in light of how the episode ENDED, all is forgiven between Big E and me! 😉

(Of course, I am sure she will sleep much better at night knowing this . . .)

Knock, Knock. (Who’s There?) Girl with the CRAZY Scheme that’s Probably Going to Get Us All Killed . . .

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ALARIC: “You just couldn’t get enough of my Chunky Monkey, could you?”

ELENA: “Wow! Is EVERY male character on this show going to show me his weiner this season?” (All fingers crossed.)

Alaric — is home in bed, a bottle of bourbon at his bedside — sleeping off his morning drunk, when he is awakened by a RUDE, and extremely insistent, knock at the door.

“Last night is still a little foggy.  But I vaguely remember getting an ‘I Heart Useless Aunt Jenna’ Tattoo on my ass . . .” 

Alaric immediately assumes its Damon.  I suspect this is because Damon, like Elena, is known for being a particularly loud “knocker.”  Of course, the homoeroticism seeker in me, can’t help but wonder whether this is because Damon has started to make morning visits to Alaric’s Chunky Monkey a secret habit of sorts . . . 😉

Anywhoo . . . since Damon has declined to play with her, Elena sincerely hopes that Alaric will be her Plus One in this week’s Save Stefan Games.  After all, Alaric has been Damon’s plus one in the Save Stefan Games, since day one.  And together the two have drank A LOT of bourbon learned some valuable information about Stefan’s and Klaus’ whereabouts . .  . like, for example the fact that they are currently tracking werewolves somewhere in Tennessee  . . .

Well, Elena.  I must admit that wasn’t the sort of ‘game’ I had in mind to play with you.  But I guess I’m willing to compromise.”

Initially, Alaric doesn’t seem all that enthused, because he generally doesn’t like to do things without his boy, Damon.   Part of Alaric, might also not believe that Elena’s actually going to go through with it.

“Well, don’t bother getting dressed, on my account, I have walked in on you having sex with my now-dead aunt on numerous occasions.  I’ve seen it all before.”

But then, after Elena leaves Alaric’s place, she meets up with Tyler, who gives her SPECIFIC information about where exactly Tennessee werewolves are likely to SPEND the upcoming Full Moon.

This was a small scene, but one that I hold dear to my heart for a number of reasons. (1) It further illustrates the Elena / Tyler friendship, which I love.   (2) It hints toward the fact that on Tyler’s hiatus from the show month away from Mystic Falls, he may very well have been at werewolf camp, considering his seemingly extensive knowledge of where various packs hang out.

And (3) this is the first time we’ve actually heard Tyler express remorse over accidentally almost-killing Damon with his toxic werewolf teeth, an action which ultimately resulted in the development of Team Ripper, in the first place.   (Sure, Caroline guilted him into this realization.  But it’s certainly a start.)

YAY!  Character growth!

So, now Elena RETURNS to Alaric (who’s now by the bar, of course).  However, this time, she has with a slightly more specific plan and Stefan Hunting Location.  Now, suddenly, Alaric is ALL IN!  “I thought you said I could handle things on my own now?”  Elena teased.

“I meant like frozen dinners, and SAT’s” Alaric clarified.  (Hey Alaric, since we’re on the subject of SAT’S, how about you give me a synonym for the term “negligent.”)

“Let me get back to you on that one . . .”

And so, off head Elena and Papa Alchy-ric on a journey to the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains, where Klaus and Stefan are engaging in a little hiking trip of their own . . .

Hybrid Nation? More Like ZOMBIE Nation . . .

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“Hi-ho, Hi-ho! It’s off to hump eachother make an army we go!”

Mass murder and almost-letting-Stefan-succumb-to-a-nasty-case-of-were-rabies-aside, this was definitely the week that we got to see a softer, more paternalistic side of Klaus.  I mean, sure, part of the Original Were-Vamp was probably just tired of Stefan’s “suffocating broodiness,” and sought to lighten the mood a bit.  But I’d like to think that there was also a part of Klaus that was slightly concerned that carrying an Unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy for miles and miles up the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains was giving the “Rippah” a bad back . . .

Fortunately for Stefan, Team Ripper locates the werewolf pack in relatively short order.  Once there, it is Stefan who garners the groups attention first, by tossing Seventh Heaven Guy’s body on the floor in front of them, a gesture that is immediately read as a mixture of “threat” and “peace offering.”  “Who are you?”  One of the female werewolves, who may or may not be Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend asks.

I love that Klaus’ natural egoism / bratty unloved bastard childness, comes out here, as he poutily demands that the werewolves be asking who HE is, instead.  Honestly, when Klaus uttered the iconic line, “The more important question is ‘Who Am I?,”  I half expected Kristen Bell’s voice to appear in voice over and say, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell.  XOXO.  Gossip Girl!”

Grandiose entrances aside, as it turns out, no introductions were needed, since the same girl who inquired as to Stefan’s identity actually already seemed to know exactly who Klaus was.  “You’re the only hybrid,” she says nervously.

WOW!  I couldn’t help but wonder how this random Tennessee Werewolf knew this.  I mean, is there like some Werewolf Tumblr or Twitter page to which these guys all subscribe to get news updates, as to the new supernatural being in town.  After all, Klaus has only been “the only hybrid,” for a couple of months.  News really must travel fast in Were World.

Tweet me, @BigBadWolf10!

Needless to say,  Klaus is positively THRILLED that he has come to a place, much like the bar Cheers, where EVERYBODY knows his name  .  . . or, if not his name, at least his genus and species.

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It’s time for Seventh Heaven Guy to wake up.  The problem, of course, is that he’s looking a little worse for wear, what with his pale  face, shivering body, and those pesky bloody tears streaming down his face.  (Awwww, buck up, baby!  You’re a special guest star!  This is supposed to be FUN!)

Us TVD fans have become experts in the art of vampire conversion.  So, we know that Seventh Heaven Guy must feed on human blood, in order to complete his transition into full-on hybrid,  or else he will croak.  Fortunately, that female werewolf, who I initially thought was Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend, actually has a human boyfriend, who ends up with the unwelcome job of being BLOOD BANK for the entire soon-to-be-hybridized werewolf pack.

Seventh Heaven Guy — who’s father’s a Man of the Cloth, as many of you know — is initially hesitant to chow down on his human buddy.  But Stefan ultimately convinces the preacher’s son to chow down.  Otherwise, the Ripper warns, he will EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING, himself (PIG!)

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So, Seventh Heaven Guy gnaws on his friend, thinking he has just done him a solid, by saving him from Ripper Stefan’s Deadly Over-Eating Disorder.  Little does he know that the Poor Pesky Human is about to become a One-Man Werewolf Country Buffet, and, therefore, won’t even survive the next commercial break.  (It’s a real shame too.  Because he was kind of hot.)

Though the werewolves honestly don’t seem all that eager to join Klaus’ Big Bad Hybrid Army (which, so far, seems to have no good reason for existing, other than the fact that Klaus  thinks it’s cool), he eventually converts them all.  And now there’s an ENTIRE FOREST full of shaky pale new baby werevamps with eyes filled with bloody,  leaky tears.

Ahhh  . . . but, therein lies the problem.  You see, once the new were-vamps have fed on human blood, they are supposed to be BETTER, great even!  But these hybrids must have come from the discount store, because they are clearly defective, lumbering around mindlessly, groaning, and more or less, DYING right before Klaus’ and Stefan’s eyes . .  .

“Some Master Race,” scoffs Stefan.

But it turns out that at least ONE of the were vamps isn’t quite as defective as he once appeared.  He quickly takes Stefan by surprise, by suddenly fiercely tackling the just-vampire, and biting him on the arm, in the exact same place where Tyler bit Damon last year.

Kinda looks like a BIG raspberry!

Having seen his brother suffer from were rabies, Stefan knows this isn’t exactly going to be a picnic.  Fortunately, he’s hanging out with an Original Werevamp, the only known carrier of the were-rabies cure, right?

WRONG!  After all, Klaus as we know, is the kind of guy who murders his entire family, and carts their coffins everywhere he goes.  He’s not exactly warm and cuddly.  Quite the contrary, actually.  This is one SERIOUSLY SICK BASTARD.  And this Sick Bastard refuses his supposed partner-in-crime the were rabies cure, UNLESS Stefan can successfully reclaim Seventh Heaven Guy, who has since ran away to parts unknown.

He might not look it in this picture, but I assure you, Hybrid!Seventh Heaven Guy is FAST!

Stefan pouts a bit, but eventually trudges off to find the Lost Camden Brother . . .

“Don’t Trust Vicki. (No Matter How Good of a Dancer She is . . .)

With his sister in Tennessee playing Save Stefan Games with Alaric, and his girlfriend off at Wicked Witch of the West Camp, Jeremy’s a bit bored.  So, he decides to barge in on a half-naked Matt, while the latter is getting ready for work.  (A bit convenient, don’t you think?)

Someone’s been working out since last season . . .