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Trust me! I won’t bite! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Fresh Blood”

Eric Northman:  Making mouths (and other body parts) happy since 950 A.D.

Tonight’s episode of True Blood belonged to Eric Northman, and, by extension to Alexander Skarsgard.  He was the one calling the shots.  His lead was the one that everybody followed.  His storyline was the only one that seemed to have any significant plot development.  Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

And yet, despite Eric’s storyline being the most intriguing and forward moving, there WERE other things going on in this episode.  And if I had to tie them together somehow, I would say they all related to the theme of “Trust” (or, in some characters’ case, a lack thereof).  So, before we get on to the MAIN EVENT, lets take a look at the opening acts.  Shall we?

Performance Enhancement

“Performance enhancement?  I don’t need any of that sh*t!  I’m Jason F*cking Stackhouse, and I PERFORM just fine, if you catch my drift . . .”

“Well . . . most of the time.”

When we last left Jason, he was coping with a “wild animal problem.”

Crystal made for a pretty funky CGI-looking panther, didn’t she?  Those of us who read this books knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less bizarre seeing it on the small screen.  And, I don’t know about you, but was I the only one who was hoping she’d be pink?

“Take me, Jason!  I’m a REAL sex kitten!  And I’ve got nine lives.  You know what that means . . .”

So, anyway, Jason is having a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the whole “Werepanther Thing.” 

“Trailer Trash Barbie say WHAT?”

(Other things Jason has had trouble wrapping his head around:  the “addition thing,” the “subtraction thing”, the “reading books that don’t contain pictures” thing, the “having sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period makes you slutty” thing . . .)

Crystal is a bit insulted that Jason isn’t totally down with her offers of bestiality.  “I told you I had secrets.  You said you were OK with it,” she whines.

“I thought it was shoplifting or something,” argues Jason. 

Then the two resort to name-calling and petty insults.  Jason calls Crystal a “Meth Dealer’s Daughter”  . . .

 . . . and Crystal accuses Jason of not being a “man.”

“Oh no, you didn’t!”

But before any “catfights” break out, Jason detracts his claws, and apologizes for not being more understanding of Crystal’s “predicament.”  “I’m sorry, Crystal.  My brains feel like Scrambled Eggs right now,” he explains.

“Nice Jason!  Way to pick on the guy you just shot.  And I’m not ‘scrambled!”  The appropriate word is ‘decomposing,’ thank you very much!”

Then, Crystal begs Jason to help her stop the raid on her family’s meth lab, in order to “save the children.”  Jason is willing to consider it.  But right now, he has more important things to do like head to the high school football field and re-live his Glory Days  find Sookie.

While Jason is driving around searching for  Sookie, he just so happens to wind up back at his only high school football field.  (Riiiiight, because there’s nothing that murderous bloodthirsty vampires love more, than tossing around the ole’ pigskin.)  There, he spies his mancrush archrival highschool football star Kitch.

I’m sorry, but what kind of name is that?  Is that supposed to be short for “kitchen”?  Perhaps, that was where he was conceived?  Whatever, it is, I don’t like it.  Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new name for Jason’s mancrush archrival, Douchey McTeen.

So, Jason watches Douchey McTeen toss around the pigskin for a while with his minions butt buddies friends, and figures out that Douchey’s “talents” can only be attributed to one thing: excessive V usage.  Jason confronts Douchey, and is all, “That’s not FAAAAIIIIR!  You’re a CHEAATTERRR!  I’m TELLING, you stinky Poopy Head!”

 Unfortunately for Jason, everybody already seems to know about Douchey McTeens steroids V problem.  In fact, his coach, the school principal, even his own parents ENCOURAGED it.  Plus, apparently, unlike other performance enhancing drugs, V is completely undetectable through medical screening.  Poor Jason!  Douchey McTeen is going to take his high school football record away.  And without his football record, what does he have?

I stand corrected!

Summer’s Days are Drifting Away . . .

Speaking of V . . . and perpetual V cards, the adorable Hoyt has just had a taste of both, thanks to the lovely Vampire Jessica.  “I feel muscles in places I didn’t know I had,” exclaims Hoyt.

Mmmmm hmmmm, we bet you do, Lover Boy  — strong, hard . . . muscles.

Coming down off her post-coital high, Vampire Jessica FINALLY confesses to Hoyt about her little “Trucker Snack” from earlier this season.  However, she promises Hoyt that she has since learned to control her feeding, so as to prevent the death of her . . . meals.  “I can’t live on True Blood.  I need human blood.  That’s how it’s always going to be,” she insists.

“So drink me,” whispers Hoyt, as he unbuttons his shirt, illustrating the extent to which he loves and trusts his dear sweet vampire lover.

And that was when the panties of the entire female fanbase of True Blood fell to the floor. 

Jessica straddles Hoyt, and begins kissing him gently, gradually moving up his stomach, toward his neck, where she finally moves in for a big bite.  The whole thing was so hot, I swear, I almost passed out.  Way to go, you two!  May you go on to produce many very attractive vampire babies . . .

Meanwhile, Summer . . .

 . . . whose offers of biscuits, a nude body, her virginity, and lots of antiques and porcelain dolls, had failed miserably in winning over Hoyt’s heart, still had one more desperate trick up her sleeve.  And so, in the middle of the night, she runs crying to the doorstep of Hoyt’s MOTHER!

From the sound of it, Maxine Fortenberry was SO determined that her son NOT end up with the vampire that tried to eat her, she more or less HIRED Summer to seduce Hoyt away from Jessica.  Is that sick or what?  When Summer tells Maxine that she was willing to give up her virginity to her son, Maxine doesn’t even flinch (or laugh, which was what I did, when I heard that).  “I’m sure the Lord will forgive you, even if you are a sinner,” says the self-righteous witch.  “Don’t give up hope yet.  This is not over,” exclaims Maxine triumphantly.

Talk about a Bad Mommy!  I think I liked Maxine better when she was possessed by the Maenad, and obsessed with Bill Compton’s Wii Entertainment System . . .

At least THAT was a game you could win, Honey.  Because you are going to LOSE this one!  Hoyt and Jessica Forever!

She’s STILL having a baby!

Speaking of Bad Mommies . . .

. . . Arlene has been so obsessed with getting rid of her Future Serial Killer Baby . . .

. . . that she seems to have completely forgotten about her other kids!

“Please help us!  We haven’t eaten or bathed since Season 1.”

I love how Arlene commandeered Holly to help her with her “baby situation,” because she doesn’t believe in abortion.  Yes, Arlene, the man (or woman) upstairs would much rather you perform some weird Wiccan ritual to magically kill your baby, than to do it in a doctor’s office.  After cutting out early from work, Arlene follows Witch Holly . . .

. . . out into the woods.  There, the two light candles, sprinkle salt in a circle, and talk to Mother Nature (?), as well as Arlene’s deceased mother.  To complete the ritual, Arlene is told to put her own blood in a cup, and drink this nasty tasting concoction four times a day.  “We did our best. But if the baby is meant to be born, it will be born,” cautions Holly.

“What, no 100% guarantee?  Can I at least get my salt shaker back, if it doesn’t work?”

That night, Arlene has a weird dream about going fishing as a teenager.  In the dream Arlene’s mother is calling to her, but Arlene can’t see her.  She is woken up by Terry, who is freaked out, because Arlene’s nether regions are covered in a pool of blood.  When Arlene tells Terry she might have suffered a miscarriage, the poor man starts blubbering like a baby, which is so sweet, considering he KNOWS now that this isn’t his kid.

At the hospital, Terry continues to bawl, while Arlene, secretly relieved that her plan has worked, tries to prepare him for the worst.  But it’s Arlene who looks ready to cry, when the doctor comes in to deliver the news.  Future Serial Killer Baby LIVES!

Really?  With all that blood?  That is one strong baby! 

Maybe Arlene has been right about this whole “evil spawn” thing, all along!

Two Broken Souls = One Hot Screw

“Let’s make some dysfunctional shapeshifter babies together!”

So, for whatever reason, the True Blood writers have decided that Sam should have a Dark Side.  It inexplicably resurfaced two episodes ago, when Sam, with little provocation, almost beat that meth dealer to death . . .

 . . . then, last week, we learned he was a thief, a con artist and a double murderer . . .

 . . . and this week, we got to  add “mean and belligerent drunk” to this lovely list of qualities growing under Sam’s name. 

(Speaking of Sam’s name, if he was running from the law, don’t you think he should have changed it at some point, rather than . . . I don’t know . . . NAMING A BAR after it.)

So, Sam stumbles into the bar, and starts insulting his customers and staff, like it’s his job.

“Man, you’re ugly,” slurs Sam to one of his patrons.  (How’d you like to be the extra who got saddled with THAT part?)

He then calls Sweet Terry a “Shellshocked” Loser, and Arlene a B*tch.  He also FIRES his little brother Tommy, who’s crestfallen face breaks my heart, as the latter argues feebly that he has no where else to go.

“At least the Mickens always gave me dog bones to chew on.”

And then he told Sookie . . .

 . . . oh wait . . . he didn’t tell Sookie anything . . . because she wasn’t there . . . because she hasn’t worked a day since Season 1.

Eventually, Sam kicks everybody out of the bar, except Tara, because she refuses to leave.

Ummm . . . yeah, because that’s what I like to do on my days off from work – hang out at the office.

As it turns out, Tara’s been having a kind of crappy day herself.  She spends the whole morning crying in front of Eggs’ grave . . .

She then tearfully confronts Andy about his “taking credit” for Eggs’ murder.  After that, she drowns her sorrows in tequila, as her and Sam wax poetic about what not-nice people they are.  And, let me tell you, nothing says “lets bone” like a conversation in which both parties prove themselves to be total and complete a*sholes.  But bone they do, and it’s hardcore — like something straight out of a porno . . . Not that I would know ;).

“Oh yeah!  I needed a cigar after that one!”

Welcome to LaLa Land

“It’s OK.  We don’t understand our storyline either . . .”

So, while his cousin Tara was busy getting laid, Lafayette was busy . . . umm . . . NOT getting laid.  After that one trippy hit, his once holier -than-thou “Just say no to drugs” boyfriend is all about getting more V.  Jesus claims he wants to do it to “reconnect with his family.”  Right, just like those guys who say they read Playboy just “for the articles.”  But Lafayette, or, as he now calls himself, “LaLa” . . .

Lala?  But I thought Tinky Winky was supposed to be the gay one?

 .  . . is hesitant.  And that hesitation is only confirmed when he has a hallucination of Jesus looking like this . . .

Ummm . . . why is Jesus suddenly wearing the Shredder mask from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

More than a bit freaked out, “Lala” kicks Jesus out. But soon after, his toys religious figurines start dancing and talking to him again.  That will teach you to keep creepy figurines in your house, Lafayette.  You should have stuck with the Care Bears . . .

At least they won’t talk back . . .

And finally, the storyline we’ve all been waiting for . . .

Let the Sunshine In .  . .

Since you apparently lack experience in the whole sunlight thing, allow me to enlighten you.  Wearing black?  It’s only going to make you hotter.  (And you are hot enough, as it is.)  Might I suggest a certain Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater for your next daytime stroll?

When the episode begins, Beeaaallll heads to Fangtasia in search of Sookehhhhh.  Instead, Bill finds Pam, who beats him up and sprays him in the eye with silver.

Bill whines about how much he loves Sookie and blah, blah, blah.   But Pam isn’t having any of his sappy lovesick B.S.  “This isn’t about your relationship, you infatuated teen!”  She lectures.

Pam then admits to Bill that Eric plans to sacrifice Fairy Sookie to Big Gay Vampire King Russell in order to save his own life.  Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, to everyone’s surprise, the one who ACTUALLY rescues and unchains Sookie is YVETTA!

Sookie and Yvetta commiserate for a bit about what an ASS Eric is, and then they dash upstairs.  Bill then escapes with Sookie, while Yvetta absconds with the cash.  Poor Vampire Pam is left to drown her sorrows in the blood of Screaming Ginger . . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at the Jackson mansion, confronting Russell . . .

Silly, Screwed Up Russell!  Still clutching his Goblet o’ Talbot, he actually seems hurt that anyone would think to betray him in this way.  “Why did you kill Talbot?  He has done nothing to you!”   Russell whines.  (Right, Russell . . . as if that newscaster did anything to you . . .)

As someone who clearly has more patience, and less of an appreciation for the ironic than I do, however, Eric is willing to explain.  “You killed my parents, in order to obtain my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh*t,” he offers.

Meaningless sh*t, indeed.

Russell plans to kill Vampire Eric immediately, for his transgression.  However, Eric makes him an offer he can’t refuse.  The wise Viking entices Russell, with talk of vampires walking in the sun.  He asks for an extra day of life to prove he is telling the truth.  Russell agrees. 

That night, Russell and Eric literally hold up a car . . .

The car contains within it Bill and Sookie.  And the action thankfully interrupts the two from their cheesy conversation about what they would do, if they were a NORMAL couple.  (Bill as a school teacher?  PLEASE!  Mr. Compton can barely take care of Baby Vamp Jessica, let alone a classroom full of young kids he wants to eat.)

Sookie looks genuinely  freaked out that two  vampires are “high” jacking her car.  Bill just looks bored . . .

Russell and Eric hop in the car, and the foursome head back to Fangtasia.  There, Vampire Eric stages a fake fight with Bill, so that he can inform the latter of his ingenious, but risky, plan to save Sookie and kill Russell, in the process.  Meanwhile, Russell drags Sookie inside. 

At Fangtasia, Eric explains to Russell that Sookie is part-fairy, and that fairy blood is, as Sookie so eloquently put it, some form of vampire sunscreen . . .

Eric also admits that he learned this important piece of information from Vampire Bill, who spent some time in the sun after ALMOST KILLING Sookie!

Sookie is not pleased about these recent developments, as they, once again, illustrate Vampire Bill’s penchant for lying to her, and keeping secrets from her.  Unfortunately, however, Sookie doesn’t really have a say in what’s about to happen to her next.  The Fairy Waitress is forced to lay flat on a bar table.  The oh-so-gallant Russell, waits for Eric to take the first bite.  However, Eric hesitates, undoubtedly, thinking about “other” things . . .

Eventually, Russell grows impatient and takes the first bite himself, with Eric reluctantly following suit.  So much blood is taken, that Sookie eventually falls unconscious . . .

Pam and Eric then head off to a backroom to set up the security cameras, and prepare Eric to take his first walk outside, thus proving to Russell that it can be done.  An unusually emotional and vulnerable Pam cries tears of blood, at the prospect of losing her maker to the Sun.  “You know I love you more, when you are cold and heartless,” whispers Eric into Pam’s ear, as he brings her in for an affectionate hug.

I LOVE THESE TWO!

With a final goodbye to Pam, Eric takes his first steps outside, and gets a bit emotional, as he meets the Sun for the first time in centuries.  Russell watches in awe and with anticipation, from the security cameras inside Fangtasia. 

Just as Eric’s skin begins to burn, Pam cajoles Russell to follow Eric outside.  Eric turns his head away, praying in an ancient tongue that Russell will not see that he is burning and ruin the whole plan.  When Russell DOES begin to burn, Eric handcuffs himself to the Big Gay Vampire King, and attaches them both to the floor, his once beautiful face now hideously scarred.  “Now we will die together,” Eric says ominously.

We hear Russell’s pitiful screams, as the final credits roll. 

(Wait, couldn’t Eric have just chained Russell to a post and ran back inside?  I don’t really get the whole “dying together thing.”  It seems a bit overdramatic, if you ask me.  It makes for a good ending though . . .)

So, there you have it, the last episode of True Blood, before the Season 3 finale, which is set to air in two weeks.  What did you think?  Are you a fan of the new Dark Drunk Sam?  Are you as confused by “LaLa’s” storyline as I am?  Can you imagine a True Blood without Vampire Eric?  I mean . . . obviously . . . he’s going to survive . . . right?

See, you in two weeks, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

OK.  So what’s the deal with Vampires and their Dead People Souvenirs?  I mean, think about it.  We’ve got Russell and his Talbot-filled urn . . .

“I look like a delicious Blood Gelato!”

Eric and his daddy’s crown . . .

and Lorena and her Rib Cage Hat  . . .

You would think that creatures who have been around for hundreds of years would have learned a thing or two about CLOSURE, by now.  Apparently not . . .

The Softer Side of Eric Northman

Yes, I know that Eric and Sookie had NO SCENES together AGAIN this week.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t have scenes together on my blog, dammit!

After watching Eric behave particularly ruthlessly last week (He both hoodwinked the King, AND killed his lover.), it was interesting to see him vulnerable and very much on the defensive, this week.  When the episode begins, Eric Northman is on the run from Russell, with sexy bits of Talbot still hanging off his open-shirted body . . .

In fact, Eric probably could have really used one of THESE, today!   (More wishful thinking on my part.)

By the way, even though I was mourning the noticeable absence of Eric’s Blue Panty Dropper Sweater, this week . . .

Clearly, SOOKIE liked it too!

 . . . the sight of an Open-Shirted Eric on my television screen went a long way in providing ME with closure.  (Not to mention, more dropped panties in the TV Recapper Household.)

But I digress . . . So, Eric rushes into Fangtasia and instructs Vampire Pam that the two of them will need a place to hide, until all of this blows over. 

“They’ll never recognize us in THESE!”

Vampire Pam immediately suggests the duo hide out at Sookie’s house.

But Eric nixes the idea immediately, because that would be the first place Russell would look.

So, Vampire Pam suggests Dumb Waitress Ginger’s house, as a backup plan.

“Ooh, golly!  I just LOVE slumber parties!  I just wish they didn’t always end with me getting an STD . . .”

Unfortunately, before Vampire Pam can glamour Ginger into letting her and Eric stay at her place, the police arrive  . . . The VAMPIRE POLICE, a.k.a. The American Vampire League.

“The clothing may seem like a bit much.  But we just came from eating the cast of The Matrix.  All that tight leather just seemed too good to waste!”

For reasons that escape my understanding, Vampire Nan Flanagan immediately orders one of her crew of extras from Terminator 4 to “silver” Eric, which, I guess, is the vampire equivalent to tasering.

“I’m so friggin constipated!  I KNEW I shouldn’t have eaten Taco Bill for dinner, last night.”

“It’s called Compton-zuma’s Revenge,  b*tch!”

When the “silvering” happens, Ginger starts randomly screaming her head off . . .

I would have HATED to be on set the day they auditioned people for this character.  Can you imagine?  Hours and hours, of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

Yes, Vampire Eric (a.k.a. Mr. Stamina), we know YOU can imagine it very well.

As it turns out, Nan and her Robo Cops aren’t interested in Eric’s role in Talbot’s death at all.  Instead, they are concerned about the death of the Magister.

It’s OK.  I forgot about him too.  With all these pretty dead characters, the average-looking ones often get short shrift.

If you recall, it was Russell, not Eric,  over whom the Magister  . . . um . . . “lost his head” a few weeks back.  Eric tells Vampire Nan and her cronies as much, during his “webcam testimony.”  With a stoic expression that thinly veils his anguish, Eric (in a performance worthy of an Emmy nomination) completely exposes himself to the American Vampire League.  Fighting back bloody tears, Eric tells of his family’s demise by Russell’s army of V- addicted (leaving out, of course, the whole, “I only survived, because I was schtupping the milkmaid” part.) 

He also tells the Vampire League of Russell’s current dealings with werewolves, and his desire to overthrow the Vampire League, thus allowing vampires to walk the world freely, eating whoever they want, whenever they want them.”

“Check me out, on my high horse.”

Eric concludes with a request that he be allowed kill Russell, himself.

Nan agrees to take Eric’s testimony back to the American Vampire League for its review.  However, during that time, Eric and Pam are kept on lockdown at Fangtasia pending a verdict.  Fearing that the League will use Eric as a scapegoat for the Magister’s death, rather then prosecute the powerful King Russell, Eric mentally prepares himself to be put to “final death.”

In yet another emotional scene, Vampire Eric tells Vampire Pam that if he doesn’t make it out of this “trial” alive, Pam should create a new vampire.  “It is time for you to be a Maker,” says Eric, tearfully.

“My future Grandpa is SO HOT!”

It’s interesting that, while Vampire Bill considers his vampiric nature a curse, and was anguished over having to make Vampire Jessica, Vampire Eric clearly has pride in his species, and, apparently, feels some obligation to extend his “familial line” within it.

The next day Nan Flanagan returns to give Vampire Eric the good news.  Not only will he NOT be put to death for killing the Magister (which he didn’t do) or for killing Talbot (which he did), he will also be given free reign by the Vampire League to kill King Russell, provided he does so without the help or outward approval of the League.

“I know what you are . . . (but I plan to drag out telling you for as many episodes as possible).”

“I know something YOU don’t!  I know something YOU don’t!  Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Nahhhh!”

OK.  They’ve officially strung along this “What is Sookie?” mystery for WAY TOO LONG!  With all of this buildup, people are just bound to be disappointed, when they find out the truth.  Anyway, most of Sookie’s storyline this week involved her trying to figure out what exactly she is, and why her gifts seem to be, at least, partially, genetic.  (Jason has yet to exhibit glow fingers, to our knowledge.)

Perhaps, he reserves his glowing for OTHER parts of his anatomy, if you catch my drift . . .

When we first see Sookie, she is taking a bloody shower with Vampire Bill .  . .

Watching this particular “bloody shower” scene reminded me of two things . . . well, images, actually.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do!  Here’s image one . . .

 . . . and here’s (the much nicer) image two . . .

Unfortunately, this was NEITHER of those shower scenes.  In this one, Bill and Sookie exchange quite a bit of blood.  A portion of this is accomplished by Vampire Bill fervently jabbing his bloody finger into Sookie’s gaping wounds.   (Ummm . . . Owww?)  Believe it or not, this kinky sex act is actually crucial to the plot of this episode . . . And, no, I’m not just saying that sarcastically.

When Sookie emerges from her Shower of Pain, she stumbles upon a dead naked dude in her living room.  Now, while the Sookie of previous seasons would likely have reacted to the sight, by doing this . . .

“Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

 . . . new and improved Sookie just looked kind of bored.

“Dammit!  I ORDERED a TALL naked corpse.  This one is 5’8”, tops!”

When a contrite Vampire Bill tries to explain to Sookie his whole “dead werewolf sob story,” Sookie cuts him off, completely uninterested in any excuse he may have.  “There’s an old tarp outside.  We can use it to cover him,” she suggests helpfully.

While the on-again, off-again couple are dragging the dead body outside to be buried, they bicker like an old married couple about love, trust and relationship expectations.  I found this scene, in particular, a bit bothersome, as, during it, Sookie is basically reitering to Bill her “dumping” speech from the week prior.  Since then, precisely NOTHING has changed, of course.  All of the problems that existed in the relationship between Sookie and Bill previously (Sookie’s non-immortality, perpetual danger, a lack of love and trust) are still there.  And yet, Sookie took Vampire Bill back in less than an hour’ s time.  That vamp must be SUPER in the sack, that’s all I’M saying . . .

But, not as good as Mr. Stamina, I bet!

Once the body has been buried, Sookie begins to interrogate Bill about that dossier he seems to have on her.  “I don’t know how things were back in the 1800’s, but today, when your boyfriend keeps a file of personal information on you, that’s just plain creepy!”  Sookie gripes.

“It’s not just creepy, Sookie.  It’s Rib Cage Hat, creepy!”

Bill claims he collected the dossier to find out why Eric Northman was so interested in Sookie, so that he could “protect her” from Eric.

Why is everyone blaming Eric Northman for their problems, today?  We all KNOW from watching previous episodes that BILL and Queen Sophie Anne knew about Sookie’s “special  talents,” long before Eric Northman had any clue.   And in terms of Eric’s “interest” in Sookie, up until last week, IT has been almost entirely of a sexual nature . . .

Later, Sookie sits alone in her living room examining Vampire Bill’s “file” on her, which, truth be told, makes a WAY better scrapbook than the empty and super lame “Sookie and Bill” one, that Sookie cried over last week.

It figures that Vampire Bill would be good at this sort of thing.  Right?

In Sookie’s defense, Vampire Bill has had 100’s of years to practice the art of scrapbooking, while Sookie has had only about 26.

In the “scrapbook,” Sookie comes across an article about her father’s public claim that he possessed a “sixth sense” about certain things.  This caused Sookie to wonder whether other members of her family were telepaths too.  And THAT was where young Hunter came in . . .

“If  my son ends up being anything like YOU, I’ll kill myself.  No offense.”

While Sookie is examining Bill’s “pretty” scrapbook, she receives a call from her Counsin Hadley, who has somehow escaped the Vampire King’s mansion and wants to see her cousin before she leaves.  Sookie meets Hadley at a bus station.  There, Hadley apologizes to Sookie for blabbing the origins of her “super secret powers” to the ENTIRE vampire community.

Apparently,  Hadley had become deeply enmeshed in that comunity, lately, due to her having become Queen Sophie Anne’s favorite sex toy . . . . 

This is Hadley.

Of course, even though she has already told most of the Vampire World, Hadley NEVER tells Sookie, herself, what she is, because that would just be too easy . . . (She’s saving it for sweeps week, perhaps?)  Of course, Hadley has not only come to Sookie to apologize, she has also come to “test” her son. Hadley fears that if Hunter is “like Sookie,” that he will be in danger of being tracked down by the vampires too.  So, Sookie sits down next to Hunter and tries to speak to him with her mind.  Lo and behold, HUNTER is a telepath too!

When Hadley finds this out, she grabs her child and escapes the bus terminal,  faster than you can say, “Beeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!

“Was it something I mind read?”

Dream a Little Dream . . . of Electroshock Therapy.

That day, due to his ingestion of massive quantities of Sookie’s blood, Vampire Bill finds himself in the same cheeseball dream sequence Sookie inhabited just a few weeks earlier.  You know, the one with all the flowers and the spaced out dancers?

When Claudine .  . .

 . . . notices that Bill’s in her little “Hippy Dippy, Age of Aquarius” forest, she becomes immediately convinced that Bill has killed Sookie.  She then zaps his face with her glow fingers, causing him to crumble onto the grass.

Once, he has recovered, Bill tries to glean information about Sookie from Claudine.  Truth be told, Bill gets very little direct intel.  Rather, for most of the visit, Claudine continually (and annoyingly) babbles about how Vampire Bill is “stealing Sookie’s light” and blah, blah, blah. 

Claudine does, however, reveal to Bill that it is her purpose in life to protect Sookie.  “Wow, you must be doing a really sh*tty job, then.  Because that b*tch gets her ass kicked in almost every episode,” retorts Vampire Bill, echoing the thoughts of the entire True Blood fanbase.

And yet, sh*tty security detail or no, Vampire Bill leaves the dream sequence knowing EXACTLY what Sookie Stackhouse is.  “I know what you are,” brags Vampire Bill, when he reunites with her the next evening.

And .  . . then the scene ends.  You know what that makes YOU, True Blood?

Jason Stackhouse leads the War Against Inbreeding

“Take that procreators of two-headed babies!”

Speaking of cockteases, you know who else is one?  THIS GIRL!

Once again, Jason barges into Crystal’s trailer, and once again she is there with her betrothed (and probably brother) Felton.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Crystal tells that loony hick Felton that Jason RAPED HER!

Felton, who has always prided himself on being the ONLY one who can rape Crystal, charges at Jason, knocking his gun from his hand.  Then, Crystal, undoubtedly realizing that all of this is her fault, knocks Felton unconscious by pistol whipping him from behind. 

“Will you stop making me a rapist?”  Jason whines, as the two try to determine how to move the unsconscious Felton’s limp body.  The pair ultimately decide to tie him to a nearby tree in the forest, using rope (because handcuffs don’t work on him, according to Crystal).

Once that is done, Jason, doing an awesomely bad impersonation of a female for no reason whatsoever, alerts the authorities to Felton’s whereabouts. 

“While I have you on the phone, I was wondering .  . . can I borrow some tampons?”

In a surprisingly astute, though highly unethical move, Jason also plants a plastic bag filled with vampire blood in Felton’s pocket, before fleeing the scene with Crystal.

The next day, Jason and Crystal head to the police station, and are alarmed to learn that Kevin, the police officer who visited Felton on account of Jason’s call, was beaten to a bloody pulp by all the other inbreds living in the trailer park.  Now completely determined to get vengeance upon these Deliverance movie extras, Jason approaches Andy with a surprisingly devious and well- thought out plan as to how the Bon Temps PD can infiltrate and arrest the entire trailer park.  The plan is to use the (planted) bag of vampire blood found on Felton as  probable cause to search the trailer park’s premises for crystal meth.  The fact that JASON came up with this idea, and Andy didn’t leads to only one logical conclusion.

 . . . these two have temporarily swapped brains.

But Jason and Andy weren’t the only ones not acting like themselves this week.  You know who else wasn’t?  THIS GUY  . . .

When Calvin Norris, Leader of the Inbreeds, came into Merlotte’s to chew out Crystal for snitching on her own family, Sam surprised everybody, by going totally Incredible Hulk on his ass, tearing up his own bar, and knocking over Crystal in the process.

After Calvin was shipped off to the hospital, Jason triumphantly shared with Crystal his “brilliant” plan to bring down the evil members of her trailer park community.  He presumed this Great Ideea would help him get laid  . . .

 . . . again.  Instead, Crystal cried hysterically at the thought of her father/brother, cousin/ grandfather, sister / mother-in-law etc., possibly going to jail.  She then stormed out of Merlotte’s, leaving a flustered and highly unsatisfied Jason in her wake.

“So much for an early Christmas present.  Maybe there is no such thing as Santa Claus, after all . . .”

Franklin’s BACK!  Annnnnnnd . . . now, he’s gone again!

I never realized how much I truly missed using this disturbing picture in my recaps, until I couldn’t use it anymore . . .

If Jason was suffering any ill effects from his recent endeavors with Crystal . . .

. . . he sure wasn’t showing it.  In fact, when Jason saved Tara from the clutches of the Evil and Unsquashable, Franklin Mott, he seemed like he had Balls of Steel!

But, perhaps, I should backtrack a bit.  When we last saw Franklin, he looked a lot like THIS . . .

 . . . because Tara had hit him with THIS . . .

 . . . while he was sleeping.

Understandably, this was a highly traumatic experience for Tara, who spends most of the episode coping emotionally with her post-traumatic stress.  She even attends a rape support group, alongside, new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly.  Then, toward the end of the episode, Tara finds herself face to face with her living nightmare, once again . . .

“I’m Baaaack!”

Giving no explanation whatsoever as to HOW he survived Tara’s head bashing, Looney Franklin accosts Tara outside Merlotte’,s and threatens her life.  His threats are surprisingly half-hearted, as the vamp actually appears to be more HURT than angry that the “love of his life” tried to literally bash his head in with a blunt object.  In fact, when Tara informs him that she would rather die than spend another second with him, Franklin actually looks like he is about to cry.  And it is in that teary moment, that JASON COMES TO THE RESCUE!

In his THIRD smart move of the night (I’m pretty sure this is a record of some sort.), Jason somehow has the foresight to preload his gun with wooden bullets, which are the only kind that can actually KILL vampires.  (Apparently, Tara could have saved herself a lot of trouble, by simply doing some internet research at the Big Gay Mississippi Mansion where Franklin was holding her captive.) 

So, Jason fires a few rounds at Franklin, and THIS happens . . .

Talk about CLOSURE!

In Other News . . .

Arlene, convinced her new baby will be EVIL . . .

. . . because it’s REAL daddy was a serial killer . . .

 . . . talks to new waitress, Holly, about terminating her pregnancy.

Plus . . .

Hoyt and Jessica . . .

 . . . FINALLY shared a sweet moment together . . .

. . . after weeks of pining after eachother separately.   In fact, Hoyt went as far as to admit that he HATED his lame-ass, biscuit-baking, antique- scouting, doll-hugging, new girlfriend, Summer . . .

 . . . but was staying with her anyway, because he was afraid to be alone.  This admission caused the Baby Vamp to burst into tears . . .

 . . . which, of course . . . Tommy Mickens interpreted as a grand opportunity to get into her Perpetual Virgin panties . . .

Speaking of Tommy .  . .

He’s a thief, who enjoys sassing his elders, and slutting about with big boobed floosies . . .

 . . . but, for whatever, reason, I sort of like him anyway.  Weird.

Also . . .

Lafayette and Jesus seem to be having a lot really hot sex.  And Jesus looks adorable in Lafayette’s Queeny Pink Kimono.  If that’s not a sign of a long- lasting relationship, I don’t know what is. 

 (I’m not really sure where they are going with this sweet, but kind of dull, storyline.  Are you?)

And finally . . .

Russell Edgington . . .

. . . upon seeing his boyfriend reduced to what looked like the insides of a can of red Silly String . . .

 .  . . COMPLETELY SNAPPED.  So, while Nan Flanagan was busy “eating out”  (seriously, are there ANY completely straight vampires on this show?), and eagerly awaiting passage of the Vampire Rights Amendment, Russell was breaking into a local news room, and killing the anchor on live television.  “Humans, us vampires are NOT your equals,” The Old Nutbag announced to the World.  “We are superior to you in every way.  We are going to eat you, after we eat your children.  Back to the weather, Tiffany.”

Now, see, THAT is why I don’t watch local news.   It’s WAY TOO DEPRESSING!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you next week . . . unless Russell Edgington eats me, first!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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