Tag Archives: Louisianna

True Blood Dream Casting – J.B. DuRone

One of the fun things, for me at least, about having read Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Books . . .

. . . prior to watching the True Blood series on HBO  (which is more or less based on those books) . . .

  . . . is the added insight it gives me into these complex television characters, and the fictional lives they are destined to lead in the future.  Sometimes, it makes me feel downright telepathic . . .

Well . . . maybe not telepathic, but at least like someone who has the “inside scoop” on things.

And while Alan Ball has certainly exercised his right to CHANGE a few things from the books, in creating the show . . .

Not DEAD!

Not a mild-mannered, girly-girl clothing store owner.

Will not GO AWAY!

 . . . one thing he HAS adhered to pretty faithfully, is author Charlaine Harris’ colorful cast of characters, and the various ways in which they impact Sookie’s universe.

For this reason, I predict that it won’t be too long, before a certain hunky personal trainer, named J.B. DuRone, graces our television sets on Sunday nights.   (Because, lets face it, Alan Ball LOVES his sexy men!)

For the uninitiated, J.B. DuRone is Bon Temps townie, born and raised in Louisianna.  He was friends with Sookie and Tara back in high school, and even took Sookie to her senior prom.

“Like my pretty prom dress, y’all?  My Grams bought it for me!”

Now, J.B. works as a popular personal trainer at the local Bon Temps gym, and lives in one of those apartments behind Merlotte’s that Sam rents out.  J.B. has always been a loyal friend to Sookie, and even harbored a little crush on her for a short time.  (What guy didn’t in this series?)  Later in the books, he functioned as an unusually healthy and well-adjusted love interest for Perpetual Dater of Losers and Nutjobs, Tara . . .

“It’s about DAMN TIME!”

In terms of character traits, J.B. has a little bit of Jason . . .

 . . . a dash of Hoyt . . .

 . . . and a dollop of Sam . . .

 . . . all rolled into one glorious package.

Like Jason, J.B. has the looks of Hollywood Heartthrob, and the body of a male model.  He also shares Jason’s not-so-keen intellect.  J.B. isn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box . . .

And yet, like Hoyt, J.B. is charming, and sweet, and polite, almost to a fault.  He is the quintessential Southern Gentleman.

With Sam, J.B. shares a protective, almost paternalistic, relationship with Sookie (and later with Tara).  He is always ready to help her out of a jam, even if he doesn’t always no HOW to help, or what the heck is going on.

So, of course, all of this begs the question, who should Alan Ball CAST in the role of J.B. DuRone.  Well . . . I’ve got a few ideas . . .

Below you will find my Top Five casting picks (in no particular order) for Bon Temps’ Favorite Bodybuilder.

1) Channing Tatum

Age: 30

Where you’ve seen him before:  the romantic comedy She’s the Man (starring alongside Amanda Bynes), those Step Up dance movies, the action flick, GI Joe, the anti-war drama, Stop Loss, and that chick flick, Dear John.

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Like J.B., Channing Tatum is a native Southern boy, having grown up in a small Alabama town.  So, not only will Channing be able to effortlessly pull off the Southern charm necessary for this role, he will also be able to provide fans with a remarkably authentic Southern accent, (something which, honestly, is hard to come by on this show).  In addition to all that “Southern stuff,” Channing clearly has the physique of a bodybuilder, and the chiseled looks to match.  A very young-looking 30-year old, Channing is also “age appropriate,” in that he is believable as someone who would have gone to high school with Sookie and Tara.

2) Nick Zano

Age: 32

What you’ve seen him in: the WB sitcom, What I Like About You (also starring Amanda Bynes) and the ABC show, Cougar Town

Why he’d make a great J.B. :

Not to typecast or anything, but the character of J.B. DuRone is remarkably similar to Vince, the character Zano played on What I Like About You.  Both are charming ladies men, who are capable of being disarmed and “tamed” by the right woman.  Both have startlingly beautiful bodies that are painstakingly well-cared for.  And both aren’t too bright, at least in the traditional sense of the word.  Then again, maybe I’m just shamelessly angling for a chance to see Nick on my TV screen again . . .

3) Cam Gigandet

Age: 28

Where you’ve seen him:  the teen drama The O.C., as Bad Ass Bully, Kevin Volchok,  the film Never Back Down, as Bad Ass Bully, Ryan McCarthy, and Twilight, as Bad Ass Vampire, James.  (Notice a pattern here?)  Cam will also be featured in the upcoming movie / musical, Burlesque  and the upcoming teen comedy Easy A.

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Under that douchey exterior, and penchant for bad boy roles, there’s a heartthrob inside Cam Gigandet, just waiting to get out.  And this is the perfect role to bring it out of him.  True, Cam would probably make for an edgier J.B. DuRone than the one mentioned in Charlaine Harris’ books.  But, then again, to be a believable match for someone as edgy and abrasive as True Blood’s Tara, maybe he will have to be.  I can just imagine the chemistry between Rutina Wesley and Cam Gigandet, and it would SIZZLE!

In terms of physical appearance, Cam has the body of fighter —  someone who spends hours and hours at the gym, just like J.B. DuRone.  In fact, I’ve never seen a film with Cam Gigandet, where he WASN’T throwing a punch, or exposing those enviable abs in some way!  To top it off, Cam is EXACTLY the same age as Anna Paquin and Rutina Wesley, which would work out perfectly for the J.B. character.  Seriously, how often do actors actually get to PLAY characters their own age, anymore?

4) Tom Hardy

Age: 32

Where you’ve seen him: the Guy Ritchie-directed, trippy action-romp, RocknRolla and the recent box office blockbuster, Inception

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

No modern day male actor exudes more inherent masculinity than Tom Hardy.    Ever word out of his mouth, and every inch of his body just screams “MAN!”  This is exactly the type of guy Tara needs in her life.  He is strong, and a protector.  But he is also remarkably stable, and lighthearted.  This is a guy who can soften Tara’s rough edges, and make her laugh.  Yet, when it is necessary, he can also give a royal beatdown to any evil vampire or werewolf stupid enough to get in her way.

5) Joshua Jackson

Age: 32

What you’ve seen him in:   the long running teen drama, Dawson’s Creek, as the loveable hopelessly romantic, Pacey Witter, the sexy teen film, Cruel Intentions, the teen slasher pic, Urban Legends, and currently, the sci-fi mystery-of-the week show, Fringe

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Joshua Jackson is the ideal TV Boyfriend.  End of story.  In his role as Pacey Witter, we saw Joshua’s ability to melt girls hearts with a single crinkle of the eyebrow, or a knowing smirk, or a gentle touch.  Pacey, though never particularly ambitious or “wise,” in the traditional sense of the word, was a true believer in true love.  And he would sacrifice anything to protect the object of his desire and make her happy.  These are innocent motives he shares with J.B. DuRone, who is also somewhat of a hopeless romantic, with an inherent need to “care” for the women he loves. 

In his more recent roles, Joshua Jackson has had the opportunity to exhibit a manly side.  Sure, he can be soft and cuddly, but he can also be tough.  This is a guy, who’s not afraid to throw a punch, if the recipient truly deserves it.  And I’m pretty sure, J.B. has thrown a few punches in his day too.

So, there you have it.   My casting choices for Charlaine Harris’ loveably lunkhead, J.B. DuRone.  Alan Ball, if you’re reading this . . . take note!

[www.juliekushner.com]

16 Comments

Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

The Girl Who Cried Wolf (and Beeeeeeeelllll!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Night on the Sun”

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie!  You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts:  the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No!  I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)!  I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot!  Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap.  This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster?  Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason!  I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?” 

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact.  Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode.  So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off.  Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV.  (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!) 

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?),  Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill.  And it is SUPER hot!  “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!”  The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong.  I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member.  But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing?  I think not!  After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking.  And as for Alcide?  Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding. 

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone.  The gang reluctantly leave the room.  Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

 

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose.  “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man  it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this  . . .

 . . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t.   But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend.  Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full.  Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings.  This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion.  After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

 .  . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements.  Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers.  Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

 . . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason).  He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time.  While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah .  . .  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi.  This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps.  That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

 (even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes)  . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message:  “Russell is coming.  Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway.  As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home.  BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here?  Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!”  She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . .  (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes.  (MAN!  I’m jealous!  Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend!  I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie!  That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye.  After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that.  Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2.  She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

 . . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier.  “I came to see my baby.  It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body.    When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s.  Now we know for sure (sort of). 

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis?  For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

 .  . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . . 

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens.  But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on.  “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!”  Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm .  . . really?  Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short.  And you look about twelve.  Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future.  But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy.  Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker.   Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica.  He rejects her affections almost immediately.  “You can’t stay here.   I can’t look after you, anymore.  I’m no good,”  Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave.  She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts.  (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow.  I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans.  HALF of them are right.  Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around.  He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves .  . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

 . . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS.   (If you’ve read the books, you already know.)  Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill  . . .

 .  . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door.  It’s THIS GIRL!

 . . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye.  Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband.  To get away, she needs Jason’s van.  But Jason gives her his c*ck instead. 

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore.  This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right.  There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . .  I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man.  I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself?  Lafayette.  Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures.  She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is.  And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs.  The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V.  But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored.   Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.”  That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him.  “I’m bored.  Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater.  “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?”  Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

 . . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach.  When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker .  . . his OTHER maker.  “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!”  Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!”  TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood.  Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

 .  . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house.   While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies.    But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie.  Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.”  Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit.   Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie.  Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.”  No .  . . really.  Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too. 

 In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite.  As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor.  And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a fan.  I can’t always expect to have my Taco Beeelll, and eat it too . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under True Blood

Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

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Filed under True Blood

“Conscience Off! Dick On!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Premiere “Pack of Wolves”

“Hey, look at me.  I’m naked on TV!  That never happens!”

Welcome back fellow Fangbangers!  Another season of True Blood is officially upon us.  And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again, about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty).  Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development.  However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade. 

Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode?  Those two are SPICY!  And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .

“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .

Bon Temps has installed a new security security system.  Here’s how it works.  These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.

The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off.  Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him.  And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted.  After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric.  But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.

Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?

“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing Sookie noticeably uncomfortable.  (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)

“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie.  (Awww!  Poor Pam!  Foiled again!)

After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.

I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot.  With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show.  Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either. 

The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point, when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping.  Eric gamely denies these allegations.  However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”).  After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home.  There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .

Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .

“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “

Now don’t get me wrong.  I feel for Tara.  If my boyfriend looked like this .  . .

 . . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too.  But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody.  I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than a little racist.  But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur?  Unacceptable! 

 The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad.  “You basically signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former” best friend!  (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)

Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER.  BAD MOVE!  After just a few hours with this unbearable woman,  Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills. 

Of course, we already know she’ll survive.  So, there’s really not much suspense here.  After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so that she can have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .

Hey, Bad Kisser Guy!  Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!

“My weiner is depressed.  Kiss it, and make it better?”

Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur!  Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder.  And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste.  Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight. 

And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur had been possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere.  Because, for no rational reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .

“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”

In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious cult too, I guess).  That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS! 

“Conscience off!  Dick on!”  Andy commands.

Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!

Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.

Welcome back, Jim Parrack!  LOVE the new buff bod!  Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .

The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs.  But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads.   NOT a turn on!  (Note to the men out there:  If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her.  Some things are better left UNSAID.) 

Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode.  This is too bad.  Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .

“WOW!  Look at the size of that bullet hole!  Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”

The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .

Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill.  Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .

Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair.  The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)  So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape.  Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home.  It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!

The Shirt Off His Back . . .

“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset!  I had the lamest plotline of this ENTIRE episode!

“Let’s f*&k!”

“OK, Vampire Bill.  That would make me feel much better.”

It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode.   Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer.  Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother .  . . blah, blah, blah.  Now on to the good stuff! 

So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result.  If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died.  Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences.  For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference. 

So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel.  THIS Vamp . . .

After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back.  But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on.  Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower.  He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES!  “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.

And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .

I WANT MORE BAM!  And I want it NOW, dammit!

Vampire Blood for Sale!  Get it While it’s Cheap!

So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance.  In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO!  Except, the F-U crew got there first!  Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market. 

Eric scoffs at this idea.  However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .

Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.

I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community.  However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.”  (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for his killing another vampire.  “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.

I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2.  I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough.  However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight.  Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry.  And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a major financial loss to him, was even more satisfying.

This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.”  “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”  Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.

Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary.  When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens.  End of story . . .

Cartoon created by the folks at  www.campblood.org

16 and Pregnant?   And a Vampire?  (Well . . . not exactly)

When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar.  Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself.  She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail.  Eventually, he dies (or does he?).  And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.

We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire.  All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house.  If I recall correctly, in True Blood world, the “transition” from human to vampire takes a few days.  It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over.  So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.”  Only time will tell.   But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.

At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing.  Apparently she can.  Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay.  So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead F-U crew member in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a pack of ravenous werewolves.

It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.

So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season.  What did YOU think of the episode?  Was it worth the wait?

 

 

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Hot Times, Summer in TV Land – What shows will YOU be watching during the “off-season?”

 

Hey!  Where did everybody go?

Remember when “original television programming,” during the summer season, meant nothing more than a bunch of lame ass game shows . . .

 . . . and mind-numbing reality series?

Well . . . it still does.

Fortunately, however, thanks to an increasing number of “pay” cable channels opting to provide their fans with original series ALL YEAR ROUND, summer television sucks a heck of a lot less than it did, say, five-years ago.

This morning, I was browsing through the online edition of Entertainment Weekly, when I came across this very cool article, which briefly summarized what television shows will be gracing our small screens this summer.  Based on this article, and some additional research on my part, I managed to compile a surprisingly full “Summer TV Watching Roster” for myself.  Here’s a list of the shows that made my “watch list.”

THE VETERANS, a.k.a shows that I’ve watched in the past, and think are AWESOME — Therefore, I will watch them again . . .

True Blood

Premieres Sunday, June 13th at 9pm on HBO.

This one sort of goes without saying, doesn’t it?  Particularly, since I have already been yammering on about the show on this blog, FOR WEEKS!  I mean, honestly, what could be better than a super raunchy, hilarious, and at-times very scary show, featuring all of the things I love best?  For the past two seasons it has been on the air, every SINGLE hour of True Blood has been jam packed with:

Shirtless Men;

Vampires;

Sex (sometimes, even ORGIES!);

Blood;

Love triangles;

and people who talk with funny accents!  And if that hasn’t sold you yet, this BRAND NEW extended trailer definitely WILL . . .

Entourage

Premieres Sunday, June 27th at 10:30 p.m. on HBO.

It’s hard to believe that this show is already heading into its SEVENTH SEASON!  It seems like only yesterday that “new hot young movie star” Vinnie Chase and his boys — uptight Eric, loveable loser Turtle, and dimwited has-been Johnny Drama — were making waves in the L.A. party scene, by bedding all the underage ladies, and pissing off all the celebrity guest stars. 

 Then again, maybe it WAS yesterday.  After all, one of the best things about Entourage is how comfortingly predictable it is.  Sure, Vinnie Chase is slightly less new and certainly less young than he was in early seasons.  And, yes,  his “hotness” as a character always tended to wax and wane, depending on what fake movie he was starring in, during a particular season (and how big his hair was at the time).  But other than that, most of the show’s episodes followed a pretty basic formula, and that formula WORKED! 

Basically, I think a lot of Entourage‘s long running success has to do with how well it caters to the basic male fantasy.  Seriously, what GUY wouldn’t want to do virtually nothing all day, but party with his friends and various celebrities (The latter usually drop in for cameos, playing exaggeratedly douchey versions of themselves).  And, yet, still be rich, successful, and highly oversexed?  Here is an example of a typical scene you might see during a run-of-the-mill episode of Entourage . . .

In conclusion, if you are a “dude,” or a girl who likes watching “dudes” do their thing on television, Entourage is the summer show for you!

Mad Men

Premieres Sunday, July 25th at 10 p.m. on AMC

A few months back, I wrote a blog entry that sort of functioned as unofficial tribute to all things Mad MenIt has been almost a year since this one-hour drama, set during the early 1960s, about the employees of a successful New York City advertising agency, graced my television set.  And yet, I STILL consider the show to be one of the best written and most intelligent programs on television today.  (ESPECIALLY since Lost and The Sopranos are no longer on TV . . .).

The show’s third season finale was just JAM PACKED with OMFG moments.  Most notably, both Sterling AND Cooper QUIT Sterling & Cooper (along with the show’s main protagonist, Don Draper, and MOST of the other series regulars on the show) to start their OWN AD AGENCY!

Huh?

Wait a second . . . didn’t Sterling and Cooper ALREADY HAVE their own ad agency?  You know . . . the one that was NAMED after them!  Well . . . yes . . .  technically . . . But then this British ad agency came and bought them out.  Except, THAT agency ended up just wanting to . . . Well . . . maybe you should just Netflix Season 3, and see for yourself . . .

Oh, and did I mention that TV Super Couple, Don and Betty, are getting a divorce?

Or that I AM IN LOVE with Pete Campbell / Vincent Kartheiser?

Sorry . . . completely irrelevant, I know.  Sometimes, I just can’t help myself.

Having crafted a brilliant and unexpected Season 3 finale, it looks as though the Mad Men writers have laid the groundwork for what will undoubtedly be an exciting new season . . .

My Boys

Premieres, Sunday, July 25th at 10 pm on TBS (It looks like I’ll be taping this one . . .)

Television watching can’t be ALL DRAMA, ALL THE TIME, can it?  Especially during those hot summer months, I always like to throw a little light comedy into my TV watching schedule.  For the past three years, this little sitcom, about a twenty-something sports journalist from Chicago, and her rag tag gaggle of guy friends, has fit the bill just fine.  At the end of last season, P.J. tried to cope with her ex-boyfriend, Bobby’s upcoming marriage, by hooking up with Bobby’s older brother on the night of Bobby’s wedding. 

Sounds like a great idea, right?  And, perhaps, it would be, if Bobby didn’t walk in on the couple in flagrante, just as he was on the verge of telling P.J. that he still had feelings for HER!

My Boys may not be the most original sitcom out there, nor is it the funniest.  And yet, I’ve always found it enjoyable to watch.  Plus, TWO of P.J.’s “boys” are particularly easy on the eyes (Take a look at the cast pic above, and you will see exactly who I mean), which certainly doesn’t hurt . . .

THE ROOKIES, a.k.a. new shows I am willing to give the privilege of having a temporary slot on my TV-watching “dance card,” until they inevitably disappoint me with their suckiness . . .

The Gates

Premieres Sunday, June 20th at 10pm on ABC.

 

Interestingly enough, this show, about a snooty suburban community that just so happens to house residents with supernatural powers, was the only one on basic (non-pay) cable to make my Summer TV Watching list.  What can I say?   I’ve always been a “sucker” (pun intended) for a good vampire tale . . .

Haven

Premieres Friday, July 9th at 10pm on the SyFy

This “mystery-of-the week” type drama, created and produced by the same people who brought you The Dead Zone, has been described as “Twin Peaks meets the X-Files” ( says Entertainment Weekly), with a little bit of Fringe thrown in for good measure.  The show follows two FBI agents, as they investigate strange supernatural happenings (Are you noticing a pattern here?) occurring in a small town in Maine.  The program is purportedly based on a novella by Stephen King, entitled The Colorado Kid (as opposed to “The Maine Kid”?).

Stephen King tales tend to be genuinely spooky, with excellent plotting and great characterization to boot.  I’m hoping this series offers some of that as well.  Though I’m not generally a fan of horror, for whatever reason, I always find myself drawn to “scary” shows, during the summer months.   It looks like this summer will be no exception.  Plus, I like the fact that, unlike the other shows on my list, this show isn’t serialized.  So, if I have to miss an episode or two, I won’t be completely lost.

Melissa and Joey

Premieres Tuesday August 17th at 8pm on ABC Family

OK, I’m going to be completely honest here.  I’m pretty sure this show is gong to be AWFUL!  And yet, the little kid in me simply can’t resist the chance to see two of her favorite 90’s “teen idols” all-grown up, and starring in a show TOGETHER! 

Apparently, these two (Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence) starred in one of those lame made-for-tv movies, a little while back, and were such “a hit” together, that they decided to try for something a bit more permanent.  The sitcom is about a local politician (Hart) and a bankrupt Wall Street type (Lawrence), who end up living together.   Let the hilarity ensure!

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a promo for this show anywhere on the internet.  So, in honor of Hart and Lawrence, I’ve decided to show you THESE instead . . .

A nice hefty helping of CHEESE with your blog!  You’re welcome!

So, there you have it, my Summer TV Watch list .  . . what’s on YOURS?

 

 

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Filed under 90s television, Entourage, Mad Men, My Boys, Summer Television Shows, True Blood

True Blood Minisode 6 – Jason Stackhouse freaks out, reminisces a bit, freaks out again (yet keeps his shirt on – WHY?)

 

It’s time to curl up in bed with a good minisode starring The Hot One . . .

Welcome back Fangbangers!  It’s Wednesday!  (As in, NOT Tuesday.  As in, HBO waited until the LAST minisode to prove my entire “Tuesday Minisode Internet Leak” theory wrong.  Or, perhaps, the whole “national holiday” thing simply got in the way, and I was right after all.  I like the latter argument much better.  So, let’s stick with that, OK?)

Anyway . . . today marked the online premiere of the LAST MINISODE EVER to air, before True Blood kicks off its Season 3 premiere on June 13th.  And what better way to end off our “mini” season, than with a video starring this guy?

If you recall, during the Season 2 finale of True Blood, Jason Stackhouse a.k.a. “The Hot One” shot and killed Tara’s one time beau, Eggs.

(I couldn’t decide between making a cheap shot at the Dead Guy’s unfortunate name, or objectifying the Dead Guy, by including a shirtless shot of him.  Then, I  figured, “Hey, I look like a poopy head either way.”  

So, I opted for both!  EVERYBODY wins!)

Acting on impulse, Jason committed murder, in order to protect his bromantic buddy, Andy Bellefleur, from perceived harm . . .

 . . . and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is!

This minisode pretty much starts right where Jason left off in Season 2.  So, without further adieu, lets BRING ON THE STACKHOUSE! 

(Oh, and before you push play, here’s a little hint for you.  Pay VERY close attention to the final frame of this video.  I have a feeling it will have MAJOR importance to Jason’s storyline this season . . . ;))

(Thanks again to ShirtlessLocke for posting this.  I’m pretty sure I got a majority of these minisodes and True Blood trailers from you . . . In short, YOU RULE!)

SIX MINISODES and ONLY ONE shirtless male castmember image?

WTF HBO!  (In case you were curious, I’m referring to Sam in Minisode 4,  both as man and dog . . . Wait . . . does that count as one or two?)

Excess “shirt-age” aside, I think Jason’s minisode was a great “finale” to the Drop of True Blood minisode series.  Kudos to Ryan Kwanten for giving a surprisingly intense performance, in the absolute last place we would expect one.  God, Jesus, Mary Magdalene and Allah all appreciate your efforts.  As do . . . “Confusion” . . .

Scientology,

Aliens,

and the Lion from Narnia.

“Awww man!  Why couldn’t you put me next to the Fortune Cookie?  Haven’t I been through enough?”

You know, until I watched this, I never realized how many DEATHS Jason had been implicated in since Season 1.  R.I.P. Maudette, Dawn, Granny, Amy and Eggs.  Something tells me you’ll all be in good company NEXT SEASON . . .

So, there you have it folks.  SIX Weeks and SIX Minisodes.  It’s been a long and hard wait, but June 13th is nearly here . . .

  I’m so excited I could almost bite someone . . .

In fact, I’m pretty sure I am a danger to others.  You might have to put me in handcuffs, to protect the masses . . .

I know, I know, I’m shameless, aren’t I?  OK.  I’m stopping now.

You may think I’m being annoying, with my excessive (and not always post-related) shirtless picture posting.  But you’re going to miss these, when they’re gone!  Trust me!

(Speaking of “missing” . . . if, by chance, you have missed any of the previous True Blood Minisodes, you  can find links to all of them here.)

That’s all folks!  True Blood Season 3 premieres June 13th at 9 p.m. on HBO (as if you needed reminding!).  Be there .  . . or Jason Stackhouse may never take his shirt off AGAIN!

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood