CinderWaldorf and Chuck Bashed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s ‘The Princesses and the Frog”

SERENA:  “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”

CHUCK:  “Oh, wow!  Today is Character Assassination Day.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me.  How are you going to spend it, Serena?”

SERENA:  “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”

CHUCK: “Wow.  That’s good!  I hate you already.”

SERENA: “I know, right?  How are YOU going to celebrate?”

CHUCK:  “I’m considering getting wasted,  pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”

SERENA:  “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”

*Sigh*  Oh, Chuck Bass!  I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!

All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT!  Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink.  All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .

 . . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .

But NOOOOOO!  The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters.  Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone. 

It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple.  Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .

“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my .  . . Cheerios.”

But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode!  (See?  Trying to stay positive here . . .)  On to the recap!

“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T.  (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”

BLAIR:  “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast?  I mean, I really hardly know you.  And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”

LOUIS:  (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent)  “Of course, not Claire!  I love you, more than life itself.  And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”

BLAIR:  “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”

LOUIS: “Really?  Oops.”

After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .

“Take that, Kate Middleton!”

They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another.  (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)

Good job, Louis!  Kiss her and shut her up!

Roommate Serena grins and bears this.  But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.

“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO!  Mwah-ha-ha!”

Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!

“LOUIS!  You stop having fun, this INSTANT!  Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time!  Look at me!  The last time I smiled I was two-months old.  And that was only because I had gas.”

After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip.  FOR SHAME, SERENA!

“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son.  Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry?  Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”

Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl? 

Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing.  As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest.  You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW. 

OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?

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Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t.  It REALLY HAPPENS!  Go figure!

But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses!  He wants Blair!  Now, all Blair has  to do is convince her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball.  Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself! 

There’s just one problem . . .

As it turns out the Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day.  By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl.  Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER  (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .

EWWWWWW!

. . .  having a pregnancy scare  (COME ON!  Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .

. . . and dancing at a Burlesque Club . . .

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Come on, now!  THAT was awesome!

But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.”  So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!

Huh?

After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right?  Or DOES SHE?

Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball.  As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.

On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever.  On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”

BLAIR:   “Is there a knife in my dress?”

SERENA:  “Not in the front.  Turn around.  Let me see the back.”

Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .

Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )

*sings*  “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, hey, hey, hey GOODBYE!”

Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO?  I believe I did!  And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE!  Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!

Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .

“What can I say?  Ladies love Rufus H!”

All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!

Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall.  Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.  (Because Charlie pushed him.)

Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet.  But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .

 Charlie . . . in about 20 years.

But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .

Apparently, Manessa is leaving the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.”  (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)

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But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.”  (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa?  The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU and, maybe, Georgina Sparks .  . . and, of course, Charlie.)  So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .

 . . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.

When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.”  (Famous last words, right?) 

“Friends can still f*&k, right?”

Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer.  OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!

Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.

Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner.  But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .

“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”

Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere.  Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan.  Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown.  But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE. 

“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat.  But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”

As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients.  But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her.  And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .

Case in point . . .

Well, played Lunatic Charlie!  You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!

Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .

Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .

 . . . (not that anyone really cares).

Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .

Raina the Complain-a

“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit?  BE INTERESTED (or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).” 

So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama.  And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search.   Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result.  And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . .  (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)

So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done.  But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina.  He’d much prefer to have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .

“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”

Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”

Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair.  But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T!  That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things.  It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide.  It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed.   It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.

I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS!  Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .

BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .

Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah.  Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”

“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”

Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .

“Is this because you’re on your period?”

Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum:  “ME or CHUCK!”

So, Nate leaves . . .  (Wouldn’t you?)

Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand.  He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .

Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .

You Peed on My Fairytale!

“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this.  That’s what the teleprompter is for.”

After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .

 . . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .

“Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”

At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .

“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead?  So, sorry to hear about that.”

Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode.  And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him.  But Chuck will NOT be stopped.  He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”

Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .

Oh, yeah!  They went there!

Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake.  Security ends up having to drag him out of the party.  A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.

Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .

“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”

A Decent Proposal

“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit?  Engagement rings are SO this century!”

Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.

Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .

Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty.  The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck. 

Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .

Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life.  He never thought he would be able to marry for love.  And now he can marry a total and complete stranger!  Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him.  And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her.  (Really?  Because I wouldn’t.) 

So, he gets on his knee and proposes.  But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .

Everything Turns to Crap . . .

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“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment.  “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads.  “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you.  That’s why you came back to me.”

Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal.  It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no.  But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly.  And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications.   Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER.  “You’re mine,” he say decisively.

“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.

 

“You’ll never be with anyone else but me.  The only thing that is real to me is you.”

There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness.  Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her.  But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene.  All we see in Chuck is FEAR:  the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.

And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall.  And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere.  Tragically,  Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .

As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.

  (WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE?  WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous?   My name is Nate.”

Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize.  “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine.  (How romantic!)

But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.

Here we go again . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!).  She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news.   Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal.  She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .

For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life.  But enough about me.  I want to know about YOU! 

Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota?  How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife?  Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am?  And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you?  Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?

Until next time . . .  XOXO. 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Puck-er Up! It’s Valentine’s Day! – A Recap of Glee’s “Silly Love Songs”

Ahhhhh, February 14th!  It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust.   On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen.  It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble.  It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of  . . . intense nausea. 

Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .

But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you.  Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret.  And here it is:  I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes.   And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent  installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).

Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!

So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!

Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)

“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes.  But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”

OK, Confession Time!  So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves.  ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .

Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?

When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .

No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.

Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!

“This is a Promise Ring Pop.  It represents the Duration of Our Love.  I’m yours, until the last lick.  Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”

To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s.  Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.”  Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.”  Unfortunately, she never did . . .

Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted

But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.).  So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. 

“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty.  She was such a Naughty Natty.  That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .

You GO Puck!  RIDE THAT PONY!  (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)

You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .

“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.

You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?  ME!  Santana!  After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck.  And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded.  Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?

How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?

Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because .  . . Do I really have to go there?

Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .

So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt. 

(Nice product placement there.  But wouldn’t it have been better if we  . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)

But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman.  So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more.  . . meaty.  Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse.  As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale.  And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!

Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent.  But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions.  So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her.  Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement.  So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.

But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!

B*TCH IS CRAZY!

So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .

Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE!  Make it stop!  Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow.  (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)

And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .

But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not?  He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!

Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?

“Oh, come on!  Don’t dump me NOW!  Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated?  Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”

If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments.  Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .

Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!

So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds.  (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.)  Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget.  Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!

Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause.  And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.

But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn.  And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth.  And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .

Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .

Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him. 

“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”

“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation.  (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)

“Don’t feel bad, Sam.  Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”

So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .

Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .

Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening. 

But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .

“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .

Source

Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair.  So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do?  This sounds like a job for . . .

The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!

 So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat.  She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states.  Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.

Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds?  Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode.  Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.

Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .

Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .

Sorry Sam!

(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart.  Something tells me he won’t be alone for long .  . .

Source

. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future.  Way to go, Samtana!)

While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono.  Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right).  But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is,  he wants to bang her ANYWAY!

“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes.  What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant?  You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”

Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2.  Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel . . .

Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)

“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”

Poor Rachel!  She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck.  This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck.  However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her.  Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID. 

“What’s a girl to do?”

Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH.  You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL.  Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .

“W . . . T .  . .F!”

When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.  

“You need to shine.  Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.

It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .

Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .

Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her.  (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?)  She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like.  He tells her it made him see Fireworks.  (Asshat!  Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)

“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?”  Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.

LIE FINN!  LIE!  SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!

Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.

YOU SLIMY BASTARD!

Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too.  You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom.  To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.

You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .

Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog.  (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)

Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break.  Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club.  As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day.  But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are.  When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM.  (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)

Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap.  The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .

“We are not safe in the outer world!  What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”

Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.

“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive.  Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of  SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .

Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening!  Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine.  All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.”  And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!

Poor Jeremiah!  If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.

A Brief Note to the GAP:  This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD!  Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!

Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?

You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:

Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem.  For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics.  (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”)  And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes.  (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM!  Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)

“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”

Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.

“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here.  Think anyone gay works THERE?”

Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog.  Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are.  They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another. 

“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.

“I can see a resemblance.  Don’t you?”

“Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.

Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!

Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson.  And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon.  It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies.  And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?

Ummmmm . . .

TINA:  “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”

BRITTANY:  “That’s SO HOT!”

(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Tears of a Clown

Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy?  No?  Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .

Please, lord, make it stop!

But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!

Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.

The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.

After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE?  Way to live dangerously boys?).  The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”

And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell.  Did you like it?  Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine?  Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Hi, Mom!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Kill or Be Killed”

“Sheriff Liz Forbes, you just found out your daughter is a vampire, what are you going to do now?”

“Ummm, go underground, and wait for my brainwashing?”

This week on The Vampire Diaries . . .  an “Origins” story was told . . .

 . . . vampires unwittingly found themselves thrown “out of the closet,”

 . . . a mother/ daughter relationship was put to the test . . . and failed miserably;

 . . . a BRAND NEW BROMANCE was born;

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of half-a-million gay male TVD fans simultaneously typing up Jyler Slash Fanfiction . . .

 . . . and “The Game” was irrecovably changed.

Let’s take a look back at how it all went down, shall we?

“Oh my GOD, you killed JIMMY (wait . . . who’s Jimmy, again)?”

The episode begins with a flashback to a year prior.  The location is Some Random Town, Florida.  Despite the distinct locale, Mason is drinking at a bar that looks suspiciously similar to the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls (because the same set was used?).  He settles his tab, and stumbles out into the night. 

Some Drunk Loser named “Jimmy” follows him outside.  “Jimmy” looks kind of like that Carrot Top guy.

“Jimmy” immediately attacks Mason, even though Mason repeatedly claims that the two are “friends.”  But Jimmy doesn’t care that Mason is his “friend.”  He just keeps babbling on about Mason being with Jimmy’s girlfriend, some chick named “Marla.”  Mason vehemently denies this.   In fact, upon hearing the suggestion that he and  “Marla” have been having Sexy Wolfy Times together, Mason makes a face like this . . .

Because of this, even though we never get to see “Marla,” I sort of imagined the woman as Marla Hooch from that old movie, A League of Her Own.

a.k.a. Carrot Top’s Jimmy’s sultry GF

Mason begins warning “Jimmy” to back off, or else “very bad things” will happen to him.

“You’re making me angry.  You wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

But Jimmy doesn’t back down.  It’s almost as though some “unseen force” has compelled him not to back down.

History repeating?

Eventually, Mason loses it, and pushes Jimmy to the ground . . . HARD.

Nice knowing ya, Carrot Top Jimmy.

Back in the present day, Mason is explaining to Tyler how Jimmy’s death activated the Lockwood Curse for him.  “Any death caused by your hand will activate the curse,” he restates.

Now, every Full Moon, Mason has to get naked . . .

. . . and chain himself to something HARD (kinky!), or else, he will KILL EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH.

It was a very powerful scene between Uncle and Nephew.  But you know what would have made it even more powerful?  If the exchange was made while the boys were out jogging shirtless . . .

Just a suggestion for next time, Kevin Williamson . . .

Anyway, always a big fan of the quid pro quo, Mason takes this opportunity to inquire after his Family Jewels . . .

And yet, since Tyler still has information he wants from Mason (such as why Mason’s Family Jewels are so very small so important to him), Tyler decides to continue to manhandle the Jewels by himself, for a while longer.  Therefore, he once again, lies to Mason about their whereabouts.

Speaking of Big Fat Liars . . .

“The Truth” is for pussies!

Stefan and Elena are still carrying on their “We’re Going to Pretend to Break Up, So Katherine Doesn’t Eat One of Us” Ruse from last week.  Elena, of the “I only believe in PDA when it will make the boy I pretend to hate, but secretly Luuuuuuuuuuuuve, really jealous” School of Dating . . .

It’s OK, Elena.  Daddy LIKES to watch!

. . . starts pouting about how very, very hard it will be for her, not to be able to smother Stefan with kisses, and grab his tight firm ass, every second of the day.

To appease his whiny girlfriend, Stefan comes up with a code they could use to communicate with eachother, during their public Fake Breakup.  “When I say, ‘I can’t do this, anymore,’ what I really mean is ‘I love you.'”

Oh, that boy is GOOD.

“And when I say, ‘Fine, Whatever,’ it really means ‘I love you too,”’ offers Elena.

OK, I’m sorry, Elena, but that was LAME!  First of all, Stefan already knows you love him almost as much as you love Damon.  Couldn’t you at least have rewarded him by making your code into Dirty Talk?  (Example: “Fine, Whatever” = I would very much like to suck your big vampiric &$#@!”)

Oh, and while we are on the subject, who the heck “breaks up” with someone, by using the words “Fine, Whatever?”

“Ummmm . . . hi, Elena?  This is 1995 calling.  We would like our ‘Fine, Whatever’ back  . . .”

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Caroline . . .

. . . is trying to convince her absentee Mom, that the reason that she has been moody lately, is because she is “on the rag,” and not because she now occasionally snacks on nurses, ex-boyfriends, and random guys she meets at the school carnival.

Speaking of the aforementioned school carnival, this week’s Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time is “Volunteer Day.”

(Is it just me, or do these “events” get lamer, every week?  I mean, at least the Founder’s Day stuff was cool.  But cleaning a park?  Seriously?  What’s next, “Take Your Werewolf to Work Day?”)

Do I at least get a free t-shirt?

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 1

“I just can’t do this anymore, Mason.”

“Fine, whatever, Stefan . . . Let’s f&*k!”

Did you notice how VERY touchy feely our Sexy TVD boys were this week?  And did you also notice that this “touchy feely-ness” seemed to peak when they were in scenes TOGETHER, and WITHOUT GIRLS.  Here’s our first example of the evening . . .

Stefan gets up close and personal with Mason at Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time Volunteer Day.  He tells Mason that he is the “nicer brother,” and, as such, he would like to apologize on his “less nice brother’s” behalf for that whole “trying to murder him” thing.

“Oh, come on!  Don’t try to tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

But Mason is not interested in Stefan’s half-assed apology, nor does he care to come to any sort of “truce” with the Salvatore brothers.  “I made that same offer to your brother, last week.  And he turned it down,” counters Mason.  “Tell your brother to watch his back.”

“Oh no you didn’t, just threaten my Insanely Gorgeous Older Brother, and expect that would be OK with me!”

Mason doesn’t know it yet, but his careless words have acted as an unspoken invitation for Dark Stefan to come out and play . . .

“Heeeeeeeeereeee’s Stefffy!”

Stefan ever so subtly begins to invade Mason’s personal space, so that the pair’s faces are almost touching.  “Well, I guess you will have to wait until a Full Moon then.  Otherwise, you are not as strong, or you would have already killed Damon,” Stefan suggests, venom pouring from his pink puckery lips.

“There’s only one of you . . .

ONE

. . . but there are TWO of us . . .

TWO

. . .  maybe YOU’RE the one who needs to watch his back.”

The now SCHOOLED, Mason, having been promised by Steffy that Damon would stay away from him, reluctantly shook Dark Stefan’s hand and skulked back into the forest, his wolfish tale between his legs.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

Ever the expert at Personal Space Invasion . . .

 . . . Damon wastes no time getting all up in Stefan’s grill about the conversation he just overheard . . .

“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

“I don’t wannnnnnt peeeeeaaaace!”  Damon whines petulantly.

“Well, then consider it Opposite Day,” Stefan retorts.

“Do you really think a handshake will make this all go away?”  Damon asks incredulously

“No, I think he is going to try to kill you and me.  Like we don’t have enough problems, already.  So, thanks!”  Stefan replies smartly.

“Oh, you’re very welcome!  Cheers!”

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 2

Tired of being left out of all of his sister’s PowWows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation, and unceremoniously rejected from the Salvatore Detective Agency, Jeremy decides to take matters into his own hands.  Elena has already told him that Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, but nobody seems to know yet whether Tyler is one as well.

This sounds like a job for Mini Gilbert!

At the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy casually wrangles his way into a sort of / kind of double date at the Lockwood Mansion, along with Tyler, Slutty Amy, and New Girl, Slutty Sarah (played by Majara Walsh) . . .

At the Lockwood Mansion, Slutty Sarah and Slutty Amy dance drunkenly to songs from The Vampire Diaries Soundtrack (specifically, Obsession, by Sky Ferriera – GREAT SONG, by the way), while Tyler and Jeremy give eachother longing looks across the room. 

“Hmmm . . . I wonder if Jeremy has an Endzone Dance as cool as mine.”

Then, Jeremy accidentally / on purpose exposes his drawings of werewolves to the slutty group.  The girls think the pictures are “icky,” but Tyler takes the bait.  Steam coming out of his ass ears, Tyler excuses himself, and drags Jeremy into a nearby room, where he pushes him up against a wall and makes passionate love to him tries to strangle him.

Poor Jeremy, always in peril . . . kind of like Dawn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT!”

“I know what you are,” gasps Jeremy.

Tyler eventually chills out, and the pair share a heart-to-heart, during which the Not-Yet-Werewolf relays to Jeremy, the ENTIRE Mason Lockwood Storyline, as it has unfolded thus far.

“Woo hoo!  *sings*  I know something Elena doesn’t know!  I know something Elena doesn’t know!”

Unfortunately, while Tyler and Jeremy are busy fondling Mason’s Family Jewels together . . .

. . .  Slutty Amy and Slutty Sarah pop in, and decide that they want to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels too.  In fact, Slutty Sarah would very much like to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels with Jeremy in Tyler’s bedroom.  But Jeremy is not down with that. 

So, Tyler, always up for everyone Sloppy Seconds, chases Slutty Sarah up the staircase and grabs for Mason’s Jewels.  The sudden movement catches Slutty Sarah off guard and she FALLS DOWN THE STEPS!

Is she DEAD?  Will Tyler become a werewolf now?

Unfortunately (Oh, come on!  Don’t get all self-righteous with me.  Slutty Sarah was REALLY annoying!), the answers to both of those questions are a resounding “No.”  Slutty Sarah gets up after a few moments without so much as a scratch on her. 

OK . . . how many of you want to bet that SHE’S not human, EITHER! 

(Is anyone human on this show, anymore?   If they tell me Elena is a Fairy next week, I will be SO PISSED!)

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

Never Trust Little Girls Bearing Lemonade . . .

“Sure!  NOW you tell me!”

While Stefan and Elena are having their silly fake fight (which nobody, except maybe Caroline, believe for a second) . . .

“Grrrr!  I’m so mad right now that I could just EAT YOU!”

. . . Mason is busy trying to convince Sheriff Forbes, or “Liz” as everyone was suddenly calling her today, that her good ole buddy Damon Salvatore was a real undead bloodsucker.

Just a minor little quibble here.  If Damon was able to hear EVERYBODY ELSE’S conversations during this episode, why couldn’t he hear THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE?

Mason eventually promises to prove to “Liz” once and for all Damon’s “true colors” (red and black, of course).

Damon first starts to get suspicious when he kindly tries to help Liz with her inability to relate to her daughter, and Liz, more or less, blows him off.

“Is this because I stopped following you on Twitter?”

But the Poo REALLY hits the fan when a suspiciously cute little girl offers Damon  . . . LEMONADE . . . and he DRINKS IT!

Oh, the horror!

Apparently, Mason and Liz had laced the glass with vervain.  The nefarious pair watches as Damon clutches his chest and falls to the ground  — his loyal brother Stefan at his side, helping him to his feet.  Once Damon comes back to himself, he is PISSED!

“I am PISSED!”

Stefan tries to calm down Damon as he rages against that D-bag Mason.  “I’m gonna kill him,” Big Bro seethes.

Stefan .  . . agrees.

“Well HELLO, Dark Stefan!  I didn’t expect to see YOU back so soon!”

“I don’t like it.  He is making threats, and we need to put him down,” says Dark Stefan in his best Tony Soprano voice.

The two corner Mason in the woods, and are about to jump his ass, when shots ring out.  Both Damon and Stefan fall to the ground, each SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE CHEST!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It was all a RUSE!  The Salvatore Brothers were set up by Wolfy Mason and Evil Liz, and shot with bullets of wood and vervain!

Fortunately, for the boys, Caroline, who is “comforting” Elena about her “break up,” gets suspicious when she sees her mother rushing into the forest, and uses her Super Vampire Hearing to track the vampires to that slave quarters / dungeon Mason had tied himself up in a few weeks back.

“Hey, when we’re done doing this whole ‘Save Your Boyfriends’ thing . . . I just heard there’s a big sale at the Gap.  Wanna go?”

Liz starts peppering a half conscious Damon and a completely unconscious Stefan (yeah . . . because talking to sleeping people is TOTALLY an affective interrogation tactic) about the vampires of Mystic Falls.  When the Sleepyheads don’t answer, Evil Liz and her Police Boy Minion decide to stake their asses.

Outside, Elena and Caroline are arguing.  You see, Caroline has just TOTALLY kicked that Weenie Mason’s ASS, like the HBIC champ she NOW is . . .

 So, Elena figures it’s high time both girls enter the dungeon, guns blazing, to save Elena’s boyfriends a.k.a. Caroline’s Punching Bag and Fellow Bunny Hunter, respectively.  When Caroline refuses to enter the dungeon, out of fear of being exposed as a vamp to her mother, Elena rushes in alone.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Heroic Rescue, mere human Elena is sort of a D-student, so it’s up to Caroline to bail her out.

Within about two seconds, Vamp Caroline has taken a big lethal bite out of Police Boy, and cheerily offered a polite “Hi Mom,” to Evil Liz.

“What’s wrong?  Do I have something in my teeth?”

Cut to a very weak Stefan chowing down on Peter Rabbit . . .

 . . . while Damon finishes off Caroline’s Police Boy . . .

Is it wrong that I find this photograph incredibly erotic?

Caroline then begs her mother to keep her little vampire secret, when Damon refuses, Caroline warns her, “he’ll kill you.”

“So kill me,” Evil Liz says sadly.

Ever the gentleman, Damon moves to oblige his lady, grabbing her by her neck like a rag doll, and pushing her up against the wall.  Everyone screams.  However, they needn’t be so worried.  “Relax, you’re my friend,” says Damon, gently placing Evil Liz back on the floor.

Something tells me that Damon’s definition of “friend” is a bit more expansive than mine . . .

“Did you get some bunny in you?” Caroline sweetly inquires of Stefan, as the Scooby Gang leave the dungeon.

“Yes, I am feeling much better now, thanks,” says Stefan with a smile.

How cute are these two?

After setting Evil Liz up with high thread count sheets, and letting her call in sick to work, Damon tells Liz that she will stay down there for three days until the vervain leaves her system, and then he will compel her to forget that all of this has happened.  Before leaving, Damon sweetly tells Evil Liz that she should be nicer to her vampire daughter.  “My daughter is gone,” says the Wicked Witch.

“You have no idea how wrong you are about that, she’s going to outlive your ass for centuries” Damon concludes.

Now we have seen Damon’s humanity in his self-sacrificing dealings with, not just Elena and Stefan, but also with Caroline and Liz.  His most recent kindness does not go unnoticed by Elena . . .

MOMMY LIKE!

Sometimes Bunnies Just Don’t Cut It . . .

“My Precious!”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena catches Stefan ogling those telltale hospital blood bags that made him go all CRAZZZZZY last season, as if they are nudie magazines.  When Elena looks at him with her trademark judgy eyes, Stefan tells her how Katherine built up a tolerance to vervain, by ingesting a little bit each day.  He believes he can do the same thing with blood.

“I almost died tonight.  This is the only thing that will make me strong enough to defeat Katherine.  If I can’t change, I can’t protect you,” explains Stefan.

“Vampire with an addictive personality, say WHAT?”

Elena storms off, just as she did with Stefan during their fake fight, only this time, the fight is REAL.

Upstairs at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena finds a Sad Caroline, who is afraid to go home, because Katherine is waiting for her to rat out Stefan and Elena.

Caroline confesses that Katherine threatened Matt’s life . . .

. . . and that’s when she decided to do Katherine’s bidding.  “I’m really scared of her,” says Caroline.

“You should be,” says Elena, except she doesn’t know exactly why.

Damon arrives home as Elena is heading out.

“Caroline is sleeping on the coach,” Elena whispers to Damon.

“And you?”  He inquires.

“I’m sleeping in your bed going home,” she replies, a bit wistfully, in my opinion.

“What you did for Caroline’s mom,” Elena adds.  “That was the Damon that was my friend.”

WOO HOO!  Delena Fans?  It is SO ON!

Since Elena has shared this VERY IMPORTANT piece of information with Damon (not to mention, gave him a nice eye f&*king for good measure), the Elder Salvatore brother decides to respond in kind.  “Stefan didn’t drink the People Blood.  But he NEEDS to.  And, deep down, you know that,” he concludes.

Elena ponders Damon’s GORGEOUS EYES and big . .  . ahem . . . heart words for a moment, before returning to Stefan.  “I don’t want you to do this alone,” she says to her loving bloodsucker.

After receiving confirmation that he will be able to control himself, upon imbibing just a few drops of human blood per day, Elena gallantly offers Stefan her wrist.  He sucks from it.  It is SUPER HOT!

“It’s you and me, Stefan .  . . always until the writers decide it’s Damon’s turn,” whispers Elena, as her eyes roll back in her head in ecstacy from all that licking and sucking.

In Other News . . .

“Mason can have his Family Jewels.  I still have a Big Stick, and NO ONE is taking that away from me except for maybe Jeremy, if he really wants it.”

Back at Lockwood Mansion, Tyler’s experience almost killing Slutty Sarah has given him a whole new outlook on the Werewolf Curse.  He wants no part of it.  And so, Tyler finally decides to give Mason his Family Jewels.

“Yee haw!  I finally got my balls Moonstone back!”

After rubbing his jewels a bit, Mason decides he’d prefer if someone else rubbed for him, and so he gets into a car with . . . KATHERINE!

“Why do I feel like I’m watching the last five minutes of The Usual Suspects all over again?”

A brief flashback confirms, more or less, that Katherine courted Mason a year back, knowing of the Lockwood curse.  She then, most likely, compelled Jimmy . . .

 . . . to think that Mason cheated with Marla . . .

 . . . and attack him.  It was KATHERINE who wanted the Moonstone all along.  The question is “WHY?”

As the episode concludes, we see Mason and Katherine screwing like bunnies . . .

Not those bunnies . . .

 . . . thus proving that Nina Dobrev is the LUCKIEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD!  Seriously!  How would you like to get paid somewhere in the neighborhood of 30K an episode to make out with Ian Somerhalder . . .

Paul Wesley . . .

 . . . and Taylor Kinney . . .

Ummm . . . Nina . . . if you ever get tired of this gig, you know who to call! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

Loved Me Once? Shame on YOU! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Memory Lane”

“Tell me something, Katherine!  What products do you use on your skin?  I’m going to tell Elena get them.  Because you, my dear, don’t look a day over 150.”

He is a Vampire with a Heart of Gold . . . and some SERIOUS rage issues . . .

Welcome back tight Hoodie of Hedonism.  We sure have missed you!

She is a Vampire with a Heart of Coal, with a serious aversion to wearing sensible shoes .  . .

“Flats?  Who the hell wears flats?  I don’t even know what those ARE!”

As a couple, they enjoy past-times such as: staking one another . . .

. . . playing dress-up . . .

. . .  invading eachother’s personal space . . .

 . . . lying / manipulation . . .

. . . and, most importantly, hard core S & M . . .

In short, they are just like YOU and YOUR boyfriend!

So, while the promos for this episode tauted it as being the hour that, once and for all, pitted Katherine against Elena . . .

. . . I would prefer to refer to it as the episode that created TEAM KEFAN!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a nice stroll down “Memory Lane.”

“A Dream is a Wish your heart makes . . .”

The Year is 1864.  It is the night of the Founders’ Day Ball, which is being celebrated in the Lockwood Mansion.  Katherine has chosen Stefan to be her escort to the Ball, over Damon, because Little Salvatore is “the better dancer.” 

(That should have been your FIRST clue that this was a Dream Sequence.  Stefan?  The better dancer?   Need I remind you of a little episode I like to call “Miss Mystic Falls?”

 . . . Oh, and let’s not forget about this . . .

Sorry, Stefan!  I love you.  But you are NEVER going to beat your brother in Dancing with the Vampire Stars.)

So, anyway, Stefan and Katherine are at the Founders’ Day Ball, engaging in some serious eye f*cking, when Stefan begins to express some concern for his “poor older brother,” who has been faced with the ignominious fate of going to the Ball STAG!

But WAIT!  Damon isn’t alone, after all.  SOMEONE is there with him.

It’s Elena!

And she’s RIDICULOUSLY under-dressed for a ball . . .

Unlike Katherine, Elena is not in the mood to dance.  In fact, she would much rather play with Damon’s balls . . .

 . . . his pool balls that is!

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”  Katherine inquires, pointing the smoochy couple out to a very Broody Stefan.  “Don’t fight it.  You’ve loved me once.  You will love me again.”

Stefan awakens with a start — his “girlfriend” nuzzled into his chest, still fast asleep.  She stirs.  “What’s wrong, Stefan?” She inquires sleepily.

Stefan tries to ease himself back to sleep, but something is still bugging him.  And that “something” has nothing to do with his Bad Dream.  Stefan dashes across the bedroom, and looks in horror at the girl with whom he was sharing a sleepy cuddle, just moments before. 

“I am getting better and better at this.   It is EASY to get in your head,” says . . . wait for it . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE!

 Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Easter Bunny before bed.  Those cotton tails ALWAYS cloud my judgment!

Stefan tries to scare Katherine away with threats.  But this is NOT a girl who scares easily.  “We both know I could rip you to shreds, and do my nails at the same time,” the Vampiress remarks casually, examining her well-groomed, but old fogey, fingers, for affect.

Painted with the blood of high school girls who tried to date my ex boyfriend . . .

Unnerved, Stefan insists that Katherine tell him the REAL reason she has returned to Mystic Falls.  But Katherine can do better than just ONE reason.  “I came back for three reasons, Stefan.  You, you, and you,” she replies.

Ummmm, Katherine?  Not to be nitpicky here.  But . . . isn’t that just the same reason, three times?

“I love you.  You love me.  We’re an effed up family.”

The Power of Peach Cobbler

“Elena Gilbert, I am going to bring baked goods to your house.   And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it!”

Over at Mystic Falls’ ONLY bar / social establishment, Elena is “studying,” when Damon magically appears . . .

Because this is Episode 4, and we haven’t had a Shirtless Salvatore scene since Episode 1, let’s just pretend Damon showed up at the bar looking like THIS . . .

“So this is where you spend your time, when you aren’t busy stabbing people in the back,” offers Damon, conversationally.

Elena, ever the stickler for proper, dictionary-approved, insults, quibbles with Damon’s terminology.  “I tricked you into telling the truth.  That is not the same as stabbing you in the back.  That’s using your own tactics against you.”

“Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!”

“I thought I made myself clear that I want nothing to do with you,” sneers Elena.

“OK.  See you at Useless Aunt Jenna’s barbecue!”  Damon sing-songs.

That’s right, Elena!  When Damon Salvatore isn’t getting laid, he becomes very Sherlock Holmes-y.   So, this  is ALL YOUR FAULT!  Apparently, Damon had casually suggested to Alaric that he and his new Useless Girlfriend, Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . .  hold a barbecue at Jenna’s house, and invite all of Jenna’s old high school friends.  However, Useless as Aunt Jenna is, she only actually had one friend in high school (well . . . two . . . really . . . but that Logan guy is dead, so . . .).  Of course, I’m talking about THIS GUY . . .

Geez!  The boys sure didn’t look like that in MY high school!

Contrary to what Alaric might have been led to believe, Damon’s reason behind suggesting the barbecue, had nothing to do with getting back into Aunt Jenna’s good graces, by using peach cobbler . . .

Rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with getting into Elena’s pants “silvering” Mason Lockwood — thereby exposing him as the “Wolf in Stud’s Clothing” he really is!

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion, Mason is still refusing to tell Tyler how the “werewolf curse” is activated . . .

Curse?  That looks more like a BLESSING to me!

. . . and Tyler is still hiding Mason’s “family jewels.”

Somehow I always imagined Mason’s “jewel” being . . . bigger.  Didn’t you?

Raising the stakes . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan and Katherine are still engaged in an intense game of Slap the Salami Cat and Mouse.  Katherine, who is clearly the Houseguest from Hell, has already made herself at home, reading Stefan’s diary, drinking Damon’s blood, and fondling the Salvatore Brothers’ personal belongings.  In her reading, Katherine couldn’t help but notice that the Salvatore Detective Agency had recently encountered werewolves in Mystic Falls.  “What do you know about werewolves?”  Stefan inquires, defensively.

“I know enough not to pet one,” jokes Katherine.

“Awwww!  You’re a sweet puppy, aren’t you?  Yes you are!  Yes you are . . . Hey . . . Owwwwww!  I needed that arm!”

Through a series of flashbacks, Vampire Katherine explains Mystic Falls’ long history with werewolves — specifically, the role the Lockwood Werewolves had in the destruction of the Hidey Hole Vamps back in 1864.  Coincidentally, it was the Lockwood Werewolves who “outed” the Mystic Falls vampires, in order to cover up their own messy lupine-esque murders.  The werewolves in question were led by, pillar of the community, and Civil War veteran, George Lockwood (played by the INSANELY sexy, Simon Miller).

But before Katherine will reveal any more information about George and the werewolves, she has some questions for Stefan.  “Why did you keep this picture?”  She inquires, holding up the very same grainy photo that so TOTALLY creeped out Elena, the first time she and Stefan “did the deed.”

“You didn’t come back for, Elena.  You came back here to fall in love with me all over again, didn’t you?”  Katherine coos.

Stefan moves toward her slowly, as TVD fans collectively hold their breaths.  He then runs his hand across her cheek, and looks deeply into her eyes.  “What is it about you  . . . that makes me still care?”  Stefan whispers.

The two start making out hard core!

And it is HOT, with a capital “H”.  But you know what’s hotter?  When he STAKES HER ASS!

And, as if all of this wasn’t kinky enough?   Stefan then chains Katherine up in his basement.  He then angrily knocks over a chair, and tosses it across the room, as he rushes toward her — growling and groaning, just inches from her face, while he torturously tickles her with vervain plants.

“I am so turned on right now.  You have NO IDEA!”

As Stefan tries to get to the heart of the REAL reason behind Katherine’s return, Katherine continues to fill in the blanks from that fateful night in 1864, when (1) the Salvatore Brothers were turned vamps; (2) the Hidey Hole Vampires first were entombed, and (3) Katherine escaped Mystic Falls.  According to Katherine, she had struck a deal with George the Werewolf Lockwood.  Katherine gave up all of her vampire friends and family, in exchange for safe passage out of Mystic Falls on the night of the raid.  She also gave George the same precious moonstone that Mason has been so intent on getting from Tyler this Season.

You know what that means, don’t you?  Remember that whole Big Brave Effort the Salvatore Brothers made to rescue Vampire Katherine from the clutches of the evil townspeople?  You know, the one that resulted in their DEATHS at the hands of their own FATHER, as well as their subsequent rebirths, as a result of Stefan EATING THEIR FATHER?

Yeah, that was all a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!

But here’s the kicker . . .  lies and manipulations aside, Katherine and Stefan (those two crazy old fogeys), really did seem to be in love, back in the day!

Stefan was definitely NOT under compulsion, when he first told Katherine that he loved her, on the night of the Founders’ Day Ball.  “I’ve never met a woman quite like you.  You are an angel.  (Katherine?  An ANGEL?  HAHAHAHA) When I touch your skin my body ignites.  I kiss you, and I know that I am falling in love.”

(Sappy . . . but sweet.  Who knew our Little Stefan was so poetic?  Then again, Dude does keep a DIARY!)

“Hey!  There is nothing wrong with a sexy man who’s in touch with his feminine side!”

And I’ll be darned if our Evil Vampiress didn’t look like quite the smitten kitten, while a 1864 Stefan deftly pawed at her face.

In fact, Katherine was so shocked by the extent of her feelings, that she blew off Damon’s advances later that night — going as far as to COMPEL him to LEAVE HER ALONE!

Who does THAT to boys that look like THIS?

“Seriously?”

Oh, and when the towns people were about to burn her ass to a crisp, if she didn’t leave town IMMEDIATELY, you know what Katherine did?  She WENT BACK .  . .

 . . . and fondled / made out with Stefan’s CORPSE, telling it that they would one day be “together again.”

Yes!  I know it was a hot corpse!  But COME ON people!  A hot Dead Guy is still a Dead Guy!

Question: If a Dead Girl makes out with a Corpse, would she be considered a Necrophiliac, or just an Equal Opportunist?

I’m not trying to be judgmental Katherine.  Every girl has a “type.”  Yours just happen to be ancient, sleep in coffins and be maggot-infested.  Different strokes, for different folks, I guess.  PLEASE don’t eat me . . .

Lamest Barbecue EVER!

Useless Aunt Jenna?  Can we talk?  You just had a barbecue at your house with THREE HOT MEN — two of whom had superhuman strength . . .

 . . . the other one was Alaric.

You could have done ANYTHING you wanted!  Fun things!  X-rated things!  Things that did not require clothing!  And you chose . . . PICTIONARY?

ARE YOU INSANE??????????

I love how the writers try to make Useless Aunt Jenna out to be this Uber Slutty Former Rebel. And yet, every time, she appears on screen, she does moronically dull things like this.  But while Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get wasted at her own party, and, thereby, increasingly more useless, Damon entertains himself, by trying to see how many “wolf” puns he can make at Mason’s expense, before the dog bites him in the nuts.

“Lone wolf, Dances with Wolves, Hungry like the Wolf, the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf in the Three Little Pigs.  Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? . . . I’m going to take a shot every time I come up with one of these.  Hopefully, being inebriated will make this party more interesting.”

Things between “the Wolf” and “the Vampire” start out friendly enough, with Mason telling Damon, that he has “heard great things about him.”

“That’s weird, because I have a really big  ‘m a dick,” replies Damon.  (Oh COME ON!  Like I was REALLY only girl who “went there” with that comment . .  .)

However, after the umpteeth time Damon calls Mason “wolf-something” and tries to “silver” him, our favorite lycanthrope starts to wonder whether something is up.  “Listen, I’m not your enemy,” offers Mason, conciliatorily.

“You tried to kill my brother,” notes Damon matter-of-factly.  “I mean, granted, I tried to do kill him too a few times during Season 1.  But we’re related.  So, it’s OK.  But for you, it’s unacceptable.  The only one allowed to kill Stefan is ME!”  (OK, he didn’t say that last part.  But he SHOULD have!)

Mason then makes some lame excuse for the attempted murder of Stefan — something about not being able to control himself, after shifting and blah blah blah.  “Let’s not spark an age old feud that doesn’t apply to us,” insists Mason, ever the Serene Surfer Dude.

A slightly Drunk Damon reluctantly extends his arm for a manly handshake . . . and then . . . STAKES MASON WITH A SILVER KNIFE!

 

“That was so totally NOT COOL, dude!  You just like need to catch a wave, and CHILL man.  Spark a doobie or something!”

Mason is not really so mad at Damon for the whole “trying to kill him thing” as he is about the whole “ruining his buzz” thing.  “I was really looking forward to Last Call,” whines Mason.  “Now you’ve made an enemy.”

“Well, DUH!”

Back at home, Mason gets up in Tyler’s grill, about  the teens refusal to give him his “family jewels.”  Then, the Lone Wolf / Silver Surfer FINALLY reveals what it is that activates the Lockwood curse.  You have to .  . . KILL SOMEONE!

Me-thinks Mason Lockwood just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting . . .

Team Mean Girls Strikes Out

From the moment Vampire Katherine stole into Vampire Caroline’s room and told her that they were going to have “so much fun together,” we all knew it would be only a matter of time, before the pair were up to no good.  This week, we got to see exactly what “so much fun together” meant.  Apparently, Team Mean Girls’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to “Break Up Stefan and Elena” — a task that is easier SAID than DONE.

“Tell me about it!  I couldn’t even manage it, and I . . . look like ME!”

For Katherine’s part, she appeals to the “self-sacrificing” side of Stefan, which is, coincidentally, the same trait that convinced Caroline to get Matt to dump her, once she turned vamp.  Katherine, who had only pretended to be trapped by Stefan because chains are SEXY so that he would be forced listen to her story (Apparently, she’s built up some immunity to vervain), eventually, frees herself from her chains and attacks Stefan.  The vixen even goes so far as to stake Little Salvatore in his Hoo-Ha, after he finds himself morally unable to finish her off.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I will snap her [Elena’s] neck like a twig, and you know it,” threatens Katherine.

Elena’s neck.

“I will kill everyone she loves, while she watches.  And then I will kill her, while YOU watch,” Katherine continues.

(Awwww!  How sweet!)

Meanwhile, Caroline is busy engaging Elena in what I like to call the Twilight Talk.

With a whiny-ness that would make Bella Swan proud, Caroline fills Elena’s head with fears of wearing diapers, “while your boyfriend is still ridiculously hot” . . .

. . . never being able to have Baby Vamps . . .

. . . and always having to worry about your boyfriend eating you.  When Elena gets worried about Stefan not picking up his phone, Caroline offers to “drive Elena to Stefan’s house, to make sure he’s OK.”  Caroline then proceeds to let the air out of her tires, while Elena isn’t looking, so the pair will have to wait for the tow truck driver.  Eventually, an Angry Elena ditches Caroline’s Mischievous Butt and escapes to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

It is there that she runs into Katherine.

The two size eachother up a bit, like a couple of kids playing “Steal the Bacon.”  I’m pretty sure, Katherine even went as far as to sniff Elena’s face.   Weird.  

“How is this possible?  How do we look exactly alike?”  Elena inquires.

“Easy.  We are both played by Nina Dobrev.  You are asking the wrong question,” replies Katherine tauntingly, before disappearing into thin air.

Almost immediately, Stefan appears, and gives Elena a much deserved hug.

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Katherine encounters Damon, and warns him that, if he messes with the werewolves and tries to play hero, he will get himself killed.

“Been there, done that,” remarks Damon boredly.  (He’s got a point!)

Later that night, at the only bar / social establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan get into a “fight” over how big of a threat Katherine is to Elena.  Elena pouts a bit and acts jealous, while Stefan admits that Katherine had “already come between them.”  The last remark causes Elena to stalk off.  Then, both Caroline and Damon, who are eavesdropping nearby, with their FABULOUS vampire ears, sprout identical sh*t-eating grins on their faces. 

Honestly, the fight seemed TOTALLY fake to me, from the moment it started.  I didn’t believe it was real for a second, and have a lot of trouble believing that Damon would fall for a poor showing like that.  Nevertheless, later, back at Elena’s house, Stefan and Elena hug again, and vow to keep their continued relationship a secret, in order to protect Elena from the wrath of Katherine, and her new minion, Caroline.

You know what that means don’t you?  Lots of SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

There you have it folks — a trip down “Memory Lane.”  So, what did you think?  Have you become a Team Kefan convert?  How long do you think Stefan and Elena will be able to keep up their “breakup charade?”  How far will Caroline fall into Katherine’s clutches to protect herself from harm?  Who do you think Tyler will eventually kill to become a full-fledged werewolf?  And, finally . . . and most importantly . . . in a fight between Mason Lockwood and Damon Salvatore . . . who do you think would look better naked? 😉

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Hungry Like the Wolf – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bad Moon Rising”

I gotta say, given the build up this whole “Lockwood Curse” has had since the end of last season, Mason’s big drooly “Presto Chango,” this week, was kind of “all bark, no bite,” wasn’t it?  I mean, literally . . . he snarled, he barked . . . he made googly eyes at Tyler, like he was the boy’s “b*tch” (no pun intended).  He just didn’t .  . . you know . . . bite. 

To be honest, that was a little disappointing.  You see, I thought for SURE that random ho-bag, Amy (who is NOT to be confused with my fabulous blogger pal, who shares the same name, BTW), was a prime candidate to become Dog Meat / win the Senseless Death of the Week Award.

I was wrong . . .

This is not to say that there weren’t ANY fun things about “Bad Moon Rising.”  For example, I thought the “B” plot was quite intriguing . . . or, perhaps, I should call it the D and E plot . . .

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say we chain ourselves to our minivans, and bark at the moon?

Or . . . maybe we’ll just get started with the recap, instead?

Return of the “Rick”

Hey, boys and girls!  Guess who’s back with a Brand New Nickname, and a “Useless” New Girlfriend?

Our episode begins with one of TVD’s classic Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  Said Pow Wow is held, of course, at the typical headquarters for such events, namely, the Salvatore Brothers’ Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Joining our usual trio of attendees to the Pow Wow is Alaric Saltzman, who, suddenly, everyone is referring to as “Rick.”  

This makes Alaric the only character on this show to actually have a nickname (except for Damon, who I sometimes refer to as “My Boyfriend.”)

If you want him, you will have to get through me first . . .

Why did they invite Alaric, you ask?  Because it was the third episode, and the writers figured it was about time Matt Davis had some lines. You see, the Salvatore brothers . . .

 in their infinite wisdom (and insane hotness), recalled that Alaric’s former wife, Isobel

 Known aliases: Elena’s Bio Mom, Heartless Vampire B*tch 

 . . . was a doctoral candidate at Duke University, who studied  “folklore.”  Apparently, said “folklore” didn’t only include vampires.  It also included lycanthropes or, more specifically, werewolves.

Kudos to the writers for providing us a (sort of) explanation here, as to why our favorite Vampire Detective Agency (Stefan and Damon) has been so unbelievably slow in figuring out what the rest of us have known for about half a season now: namely, that the Lockwood’s are, literally, Dirty Dawgs! 

“I’ve been on this planet 160-odd years, and I’ve never seen one.  If werewolves exist, where the hell are they?”  Damon inquires, throwing in a dash of his trademark “Eye Thing” for good measure.

“My mouth may be talking about wolves, but my eyes are TOTALLY undressing Elena, right now . . .”

 And then, just in case his youthful charm and unmatched good looks had made you temporarily forget, Damon chose this moment to remind fans just how OLD of a fogey he really is, by making, not one, but TWO Lon Chaney (Junior and Senior) references, and one Bela Lugosi one.  Now, while I knew that Bela Lugosi was the original Hollywood Vampire . . .

He’s not too bad looking — definitely NO Salvatore brother, though.

  . . . I’ll admit, I had to Google the two Lon Chaneys.  Apparently, the younger one played Wolfman in movies (hence, the reference here).  Also apparently, when he wasn’t in costume . . . Wolfman was actually kind of hot.

The Lost Salvatore Brother?

As for his father . . .

 . . . well, I’m sure he had a really nice personality.

Anyway, recognizing that having werewolves in Mystic Falls would be, in Damon’ words, “not good” for our little Scooby Gang, Damon and Alaric decide to take a trip down to Duke to “borrow” Isobel’s research on the creatures. 

Damon and Alaric:  Together again.  How bromantic!

Meanwhile, Elena, who is desperate to find out why she looks so much like Vampire Katherine, sees Isobel’s research as a possible treasure trove of information on the subject of her doppelganger. 

So, despite the fact that, Damon, the vampire she is desperately attracted to and can’t stop thinking about hates, is going on the trip, Elena decides to tag along.  Unfortunately, for Elena, Stefan  . . .

 . . . has to babysit Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

 . . . and can’t come along.  But that’s OK!  Elena can still use Stefan to make Damon jealous!

OK, Elena.  Now, I actually like the whole “meanspirited-ness” thing you have going on during this episode.  So, I’m going to give you an “A” for effort.  But here’s a little hint:  when you are trying to prove to someone that you are “so over them,” you might want to try .  . . oh. .  . I don’t know .  . . NOT staring longingly at that person, while you are MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  . . just saying.

What Elena was doing . . .

What Elena was thinking . . .

While Elena is OUTSIDE tonguing Stefan and eye-f*cking Damon, Alaric / Rick is inside, hitting on Useless Aunt Jenna .  . .

However, when things get too close for comfort, suddenly Alaric is all “I’m not ready for a relationship.  It’s not you it’s me, blah, blah blah.”

(Honestly, I’m not really sure why we are supposed to CARE about whether Alaric dates Useless Aunt Jenna.  I guess it’s just a way for Alaric to kill time, while he waits for his TRUE LOVE, Damon, to realize that he exists . . .)

Picspam courtesy of http://fyeahteambadass.tumblr.com/

“You hate me, huh?  That sounds like the BEGINNING of a love story, to me . . . not the end of one.”

During the ride to Duke University, a Super Sulky Elena rides in the back, while the Ambiguously Gay Duo, Damon and Alaric, keep the seats warm, up front.  Damon (who clearly feels that one and 1/4 episodes is MORE than enough time to get over someone trying to MURDER YOUR BABY BROTHER) inquires into the current status of Elena’s “forgiveness” of him.  “You know this pretending to hate me thing, is getting a little silly,” jokes Damon, as he aims his best “Eye Thing” into the back seat of Alaric’s car.

When Elena replies with the obvious — that the murder of one’s brother requires a mourning period more substantial than a commercial break —  Damon notes that there is a very big asterisk next to that statement.

Jeremy is still alive.

(Ahhh, Damon.  Between your obscure fogey film references, and your use of archaic grammatical symbols, you really are proving yourself to be elderly today, aren’t you?)

Elena uses this opportunity to pose to Damon the question fans have been pondering since the Season Premiere, namely: Did Damon see the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on Jeremy’s finger, before he decided to break the little guy’s neck?

To this inquiry, Damon responds, “Elena, I SAW the ring.  It’s a big tacky thing.  It’s hard to miss!”

THANK YOU, DAMON!  It’s HIGH TIME someone FINALLY noticed how majorly UGLY this ring is!

More Caroline-y than EVER BEFORE!

Speaking of Ugly Ass Rings, is it any wonder that Caroline bitched about the lack of stylishness of her brand new Vampire Sunscreen one?  “I have to wear this ring for the rest of eternity,” whines Caroline.  “Shouldn’t I at least get to choose what it looks like?” 

(Given the Salvatore brothers TERRIBLE taste in jewelry, I’d be inclined to say “Yes, you should, Caroline.”)

But, perhaps, I should backtrack . . .

At the opening of the episode, Caroline is avoiding Matt (who wants to go down to the old Lockwood Swimming Hole for Tyler’s outdoor party) because she can’t go out in the sun, without frying like bacon . . .

Stefan, recognizing that Bonnie’s witchy powers can make a Vampire Sunscreen Ring, and that being with Matt is Caroline’s one link to whatever humanity she has left, tries to convince Bonnie to do the spell.  But Bonnie doesn’t want to do it, because she is a total asshole worried that Caroline will hurt someone again, if allowed to walk in the light. 

(Ummm Bonnie, what time of day did Caroline kill someone last week?  That’s right .  . . AT NIGHT!  And, therefore, you think that not making the ring for your supposed best friend is going to save lives because . . .)

Hello, there, person who is a FEMALE, a MINORITY, and a WITCH.  Perhaps, you’d be interested in learning a thing or two about TOLERANCE of other species  . . .

Ultimately, Bonnie agrees to place a spell on Caroline’s ring, but only after she ANNOYINGLY lectures Caroline about the whole “not killing people” thing, like the lame ass Debbie Downer-witch she’s become.  Then, after instructing Caroline on the importance of preserving all life, Bonnie nonchalantly risks burning Caroline to a crisp, by ripping open the shades to her bedroom, and LETTING THE SUNSHINE IN!

Keep smiling, and shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure . . . that’s what friends are for!

Once Caroline is cleared for Sun Worship, Papa Stefan (ever the understanding parent) allows her to attend Tyler’s party, provided she feed on bunnies with him first . . .

“You don’t want to eat ME, do you Caroline?  Might I interest you in some Tasty B*tchy Bonnie-witch, instead?”

When a stressed-out Caroline unloads all her neuroses on poor Stefan, during their morning hunt, he notes wryly that “when someone becomes a vampire, all their natural personality traits are amplified.” (NEW VAMPIRE RULE ALERT!)

Upon hearing this, Caroline correctly notes that she will now be an “insecure, neurotic, control freak on crack.”  And, to prove her point, when Caroline reunites with Matt at the Swimming Hole, she goes BALLISTIC on Slutty Amy, for flirting with her man. 

Matt . . .

 . . . far from being turned on by the sheer extent of her girlfriend’s devotion, stomps away from Uber Possessive Caroline in a pouty huff.

Meanwhile, Tyler . . .

. . . has become suspicious of Uncle Mason, after seeing the latter lurking around an old underground “slave cellar.”  It is this suspicion, perhaps, that causes him to ignore Uncle Mason’s warning that it’s a Full Moon. And if Tyler doesn’t get all his friends off the property by nightfall, “someone will wind up wasted, and dead at the bottom of the lake.”

(Well . . . that pretty much sounds like every horror movie, I have EVER SEEN!)

“Pull it out, Baby!  It hurts (SO GOOD)!”

Over at Duke University, Isobel must have been pretty darn important, because her office looks like a Mansion / Ancient Artifact Museum.  And her old student / assistant, Vanessa . . .

(played by Courtney Ford)

 . . . seems literally willing to guard the place with her life.  Moments after the gang arrives, Vanessa shoots a crossbow in Damon’s and Elena’s direction.  The immortal Damon gallantly steps forward to take the proverbial “bullet” on Elena’s behalf.  While Alaric struggles to disarm Courtney, Damon and Elena engage in a thinly veiled sexual conversation over the phallic arrow lodged beneath the muscle fibers of Damon’s perfect abdominals . . .

 Yummy!

“Pull it out!  Pull the damn thing out!  It hurts so good!  YES!  YES!  YES!” Damon whines, as Elena straddles him, rocks back and forth a bit, and, finally, breathing heavily, yanks the big stick out of his midsection. 

(Thank you for this, writers.  Clearly, you know how to give this Pervy Fangirl EXACTLY what she wants, while still sticking to your TV-14 rating.)

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another vampire / human encounter on television.  This one also involved a morally ambiguous vamp “taking a bullet” for an ambivalent human female, and forcing said female to bodily remove the offending weapon from the vampire’s body . . .

I’m referring, of course, to the scene in True Blood, during Season 2.  In that scene, Eric tricked Sookie into sucking a bullet from his stomach, so that she would be forced to swallow his blood, and, thereby, be bonded to him forever . . .

“That b*tch i SOOOO DEAD!”  Damon remarks, referring to the woman who just crossbowed him.

“If you kill her, I will never talk to you again,” threatens Elena, childishly.

“You are starting to manipulate me,” Damon notes wryly.

“And I LOVE being manipulated.  Just ask Vampire Katherine . . .”

When Vanessa has calmed down enough for Alaric to unhand her, the grad student admits that, having reviewed Isobel’s research, she freaked upon running into the Definitely Dead Damon Salvatore, and Elena, a girl who LOOKED just like Vampire Katherine. 

Later, as the crew begins poring through boxes of Isobel’s research, Elena and Vanessa bond over boys and vervain plants.  “He is a first rate, jackass,” Elena whispers to Vanessa, looking over her shoulder at Damon.

Damon overhears and smiles.

“So THAT’S the pet name she plans to call me, when we’re doing the NASTY, tonight!  Daddy LIKE!”

Later, Damon sidles up to Elena to continue their Flirt Fest 2010.  “It’s a bummer we aren’t friends anymore, because I could tell you what I know,” he coos.

“Now who’s manipulating?”  Elena replies, trying to hide the smirk on her face.

Mental F*cking = all of the heat, none of the STDS!

Unfortunately, Vanessa has to ruin all the fun, by launching into a seemingly endless monologue of Plot Explanation Sans Sexiness, which seems to be the only purpose, thus far, for her character being on this show.  Vanessa explains to us that some Aztec curse made vampires Creatures of the Night, and werewolves Servants of the Moon.  She also describes the two species as mortal enemies.  “According to legend, a werewolf bite can kill a vampire,” remarks Vanessa. 

(And what exactly does it do to humans?  Turn them into wolves?  Give them a gnarly tattoo?  I guess we will find out soon enough . . .)

The “Serious” Vampire Look

While Elena and Damon are flirting over at Duke, Stefan and Caroline seem to be flirting with one another, back home.  Just as Stefan teased Caroline earlier about her neuroses, Caroline playfully taunts Stefan about his excessive seriousness, and the  stern looks he keeps giving Mason, at the swimming hole.  And I’ll be darned if the friendly teasing doesn’t cause the usually Serious Stefan to crack a smile or two.

Eventually, however, Caroline runs off to find Boy Toy Matt.

Apologizing for her earlier bad behavior, Caroline promises her beau “no more drama,” and then pulls him into the woods for a substantial makeout session, under the light of the Full Moon.

While the pair are going at it, Stefan receives a call from Elena, in which she relays to him the information she uncovered about werewolves, and the unique brand of danger they pose to vampires.  Ever the concerned Papa, Stefan rushes off to protect Caroline.

Meanwhile, Tyler is in the woods making out with Slutty Amy, a.k.a. Boy Toy Matt’s Sloppy Seconds.  Apparently, the girl had taken Caroline’s mind control command to “go after someone single” literally.  To Tyler’s credit, when Slutty Amy awakens from her compulsion, and ditches Tyler’s ass, he doesn’t go into a rage, like Season 1 Tyler would probably do. 

(I guess the writers are trying to make this Teen Wolf more likeable, after all . . .)

“Oh, come on!  How could you NOT like me?  I wear pajamas to my own keggar!  Now, if that doesn’t make me a Loveable Dork, I don’t know what does!”

Down in the underground cellar, Mason has chained himself to some rocks, to protect Tyler and his friends from his Wolfy Wrath.  However, upon hearing his cousin’s voice above ground, Mason decides to relocate . . . to also ABOVE GROUND.  Mason eventually chains himself to his van . . . which to me seems like THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER! 

So let me get this straight . . . you were concerned about hurting the teens located MANY FEET ABOVE YOU.  So, you decided to . . . come to ground level and be CLOSER TO THEM? 

“If this car’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin'”

When the Full Moon finally hits the sky two things happen that should surprise presisely NO ONE. (1) Caroline vamps out on Matt and tries to eat him; (2) and Mason, upon turning wolf, breaks free of the chains attaching him to his van.

DUH!

Fortunately, two more FAIRLY predictable things happen, to prevent anyone from getting hurt:  (1) Stefan tackles Caroline to the ground, before she has a chance to finish her Matt Sandwich;

“This is me, playing the HERO again .  . . and looking Super Sexy in my Hoodie of Hedonism.”

and (2) Tyler stares down Wolfy Mason, preventing him from attacking Stefan and Caroline.

“This is ME, doing my Endzone Dance, because my character is FINALLY relatively sympathetic.”

When it is all over, Tyler confronts a VERY DIRTY and VERY NAKED (but still tasty) Mason about his wolfishness (See picture above).  Nearby, Caroline compels Matt to forget that she ate him.  Stefan then gives him vervain, to protect him from being a future Snack de Caroline. 

Then, Papa and Baby Vamp engage in a conversation about the difficulties associated with protecting the humans they love from their own vampiric darksides.  Following that conversation, Caroline purposefully ruins her relationship with Matt, in order to protect him from her.

To see her break down in tears after Matt dumped her immortal butt was truly heartbreaking.  In making this decision, Caroline has performed a truly selfless act, one that not even the Saintly Stefan was capable of accomplishing.  The question is . . . now that she no longer has Matt to keep her on the straight and narrow, where will Caroline find that ever important link to her humanity?

“Hint:  It sure as hell won’t be from ME!”

Vampire Katherine’s arrival in Caroline’s room at the end of the episode, followed by her threatening, yet intriguing pronouncement — “Don’t be frightened.   We are going to have so much fun together!” — certainly didn’t bode well for the future of Vampire Caroline’s soul . . .

The Darker Side of Elena

After a lame-o scene, during which Alaric makes Useless Aunt Jenna his official Lame Ladyfriend, we are returned to the MAIN EVENT . . .

Upon arriving home from Duke University, Damon corners Elena, once again, by the car door.  Their mutually beautiful faces are just inches away from locking lips. 

“Road trips work well for us,” remarks Damon, glibly.  “You know I chipped away at your Wall of Hatred.”

A scene from Damon and Elena’s FIRST road trip.  Ahhh, memories!

Throughout most of the Duke trip, Elena has been trying to get Damon to spill the information he has on Vampire Katherine — information that, hopefully, can help Elena understand why she looks so much like her.  “Friends don’t manipulate friends,” Elena mutters, early on in the trip, when Damon, once again refuses to share.

And yet, at the end of the night, Damon is feeling remarkably generous.  Sensing some softening in Elena’s resolve against him, he tells her that Katherine’s last name was “Petrova,” and hands her a book on the Petrova lineage.  “Men snoop too, you know,” he says slyly.

But then, he becomes serious . . .

“You have every right to hate me.  I understand.  But you hated me before, and we became friends.  It would suck if it was gone forever.  Is it is it gone forever?”

“Of course, it’s not gone forever.  I LOVE YOU, you Big Fangy Lug!  Thank you for the book, Damon,” Elena replies, demurely.

And that’s when Elena finally works up the courage to ask Damon directly the question that has been plaguing us all.  “Did you know Jeremy was wearing the ring, when you broke his neck?”

Damon admits that he didn’t.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  (I still refuse to believe it.)

Elena tears up at the admission, but thanks Damon for being honest.  “You have lost me forever,” she whispers.

NOOOOOOOO! (I refuse to believe THAT too!)

Now, it is Damon’s turn to be hurt and angered.  “You knew that already.  You used me today.  I thought friends didn’t manipulate friends,” he says, throwing Elena’s own words from earlier in the evening back in her face.

But Damon knows the unspoken response to that too.  Elena was OK with manipulating Damon, because she doesn’t consider him a friend .  . . not anymore.

“You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks,” remarks Damon, before walking away.

She TOTALLY deserved that.

Don’t worry, Damon.  You’ll get her back, eventually.  Sexy television characters, like you, are ALWAYS forgiven for your evils.  So, for now, just go back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Relax.  Pour yourself a drink . . .

or TEN . . .

Be sure to practice your trademark “Eye Thing” in front of the mirror . . .

Tomorrow is another day . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Premiere – We are Live Blogging it! (Or, at least, attempting to . . .)

Elena is not too keen on the idea of live-blogging.  Too much risk.  With a vampire as a boyfriend, a witch as a best friend, and . . . DAMON . . . she feels she has all the risk she needs in her life, right now.  But Vampire Katherine?  She says, “GAME ON, B&TCHES!”

Last year, in honor of the Finale of Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . the amazing, brilliantly talented, and insanely hilarious, Amy (author of the AWESOME blog, Imaginary Men) and I, attempted to live blog the bloody festivities in all their so-beautiful-it-physically-hurts-to-look-at-them glory.

And . . .  yeah . . . it didn’t work out so well . . .

But we still had a great time doing it . . .

And .  . . maybe it’s just because we are gluttons for punishment . . . but we’ve decided to try the whole “live blogging” thing again, for the upcoming Season Premiere.

So, if ogling / completely objectifying hot boys, snarkiness, and OBSESSIVE (slightly nerdy) fangirling are YOUR thing, feel free to click the link below (on Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m., EST) and watch The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere episode, “The Return,” with us.  We can’t promise you it will all work out . . . but we CAN bribe you with sexy pictures of the show’s stars . . .

Have I convinced you?  If so . . .

Click here to participate in the live blog 

 Because we have nothing to lose . . . except our dignity. . .