“Ho, ho, ho! Don’s a ho, ho, ho!”
Tonight’s installment of Mad Men marked the “return” of a number of important people and things:
First, there was Freddy Rumsen . . .
A man whose vast talents include: pissing himself before client meetings, taking “six-month leaves” and playing Mozart with his fly . . .
Also, returning for this episode was Glen Bishop . . .
His talents include: creeping everybody out, watching grown women pee, asking for locks of their hair, and being show producer, Matt Weiner’s kid in real life!
“That’s my boy!”
The final addition to the “People Returning” category is Lee Garner, Jr. . . .
His talents include trying to rape Sal . . .
. . . getting Sal fired because he tried to rape him, and making fans HATE HIS GUTS for getting rid of Sal.
Other non-human returnees included:
Peggy’s virginity . . .
But it left a few minutes later . . .
And Don’s misery and lack of good judgment . . .
But, when you think about it, has that EVER really left?
So, now that we’ve given all the old -newcomers a warm welcome, what do you say we get on with the show?
The Case of Creepy Glen and the Phantom Phone Calls
“I don’t know about you. But I’m just really happy to be involved a storyline that doesn’t involve someone dying, or me getting screamed at by my Mean Mommy.”
When the episode first opens, the new “Francis family,” led by the “about as exciting as watching paint dry,” Henry Francis . . .
“What exactly is wrong with watching paint dry? I very much enjoy watching paint dry. It’s scintillating . . .”
. . . are searching for a Christmas tree that won’t scrape the paint off their ceiling. While there, Sally runs into Creepy Glen . . .
“I heard you got a new dad. My mom said that would happen,” offers Glen conversationally. (Ohhh BURN! Take that Mama Betty! You should have really thought twice about giving this boy a lock of your hair. He’s out for revenge now!)
Glen then shows Sally his red twine dispenser, and Sally remarks at its beauty, before being called away by her brother.
“I might call you sometime,” threatens Glen, as he ponders putting a lock of Mama Betty’s hair on a squirrel he just killed, and making it into a voodoo doll.
Creepy Glen DOES call Sally. But instead of revealing his true identity when Housekeeper Carla picks up the phone, he refers to himself as STANLEY, his evil alter ego. As if Creepy Glen wasn’t creepy enough before, he now has multiple personality disorder too!
Sally, who, unfortunately, has never seen the film Fatal Attraction (both because it’s Rated R, and because it hasn’t come out yet in 1964), takes this brilliant opportunity to pour her heart out to Creepy Glen / Stanley. “I hate it here. I really, really do,” she gripes.
(It’s interesting how Betty CLAIMS to be squatting in Don’s house with her new husband for the “children’s sake” and the “children” themselves, don’t even want to be there.)
“Bad Mommy!” (says Creepy Glen, as he stabs a pin in Voodoo Betty’s heart).
“Don’t worry. One day your parents will wake up and they will want to move. You’ll see,” Glen offers, cryptically, before hanging up the phone.
That night, while the “Francis’s” (I’m never going to get used to typing that) are out for dinner, Glen once again calls the house. This time, no one answers. He and his friend then somehow break into the house and vandalize it, by pouring food from the fridge all over the place. “There’s eggs in my bed,” complains Bobby, who has had more to say in this episode then he did throughout the entire third season of this show.
“My room is fine,” exclaims a confused Sally, as she walks toward her night table and finds Creepy Glen’s red twine dispenser – clearly, a gift of love . . . FROM HELL!
(Insert maniacal laughter here.)
“Mark” Your Man?
You know who wasn’t getting stalked by a creeper this week? Peggy! But she WAS getting pressured into sex, by her clingy, nasally voiced loser of a boyfriend, Mark. (PEGGY! You can do SO much better!)
I rest my case.
“I want to be your first,” whines Dweeby Mark, uttering the most unintentionally hilarious line in the entire episode, about the girl who got knocked up by Pete, and who Duck Phillips gave “a go around like she never had before.”
Like a virgin . . . touched for the very tenth time . . .
Born Again Peggy tells Marky Mark with his Pants in a Bunch that she “wants to wait.” He responds by laying on her the slobberiest, most unsexy, kiss of all time. “Think about THAT!” He says triumphantly, as he struts out of her apartment. Oh, she’s thinking about it, all right . . . and so are we . . .
After admitting to herself that she “doesn’t want to be alone on New Years,” Peggy receives some advice from Freddy Rumsen about “men.” Freddy tells her that she should “not lead the boy on,” because that’s PAINFUL . . .
. . . and that if she “really likes him, she should wait,” Peggy decides to screw Marky Turd anyway. Hey Mark, get the hint . . .
But, hey, at least you won’t have to worry about THESE anymore . . .
Freddy Rumsen Doesn’t DO Santa Claus!
(Insert sad zipper music here.)
Well, I, for one, enjoyed seeing Freddy Rumsen return. (Now we just need Sal, Ken and Paul!) Unfortunately, the poor guy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself all that much this week! It’s tough being on the wagon in an office filled with alcoholics, isn’t it Freddy?
Just ask THIS GUY . . .
Sorry, wrong Duck. I mean THIS GUY . . .
Kind of blew the punchline there, didn’t I?
Speaking of Duck, I never did forgive him for what he did to poor Chauncey . . .
So NOT cool!
But I digress, back to On-The-Wagon Freddy . . .
He comes to the offices of Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, sober 16 months, and armed with a two-million dollar account, Ponds Face Cream. When asked how he managed to receive such a windfall, Freddy explained that he and the CEO were “in the same fraternity” (more on that later).
Interestingly enough, the heretofore, happy-go-lucky (happy-go-drunky?) Freddy specifically requests that Pete not have anything to do with the account, as it was Pete who ultimately got Freddy canned for The Piss Heard Round the World. Now, not that I blame Freddy at all for his decision, but I would be careful, messing with Pete, if I were him. After all, the dude IS armed . . .
. . . and REALLY likes to hunt!
Freddy might not be happy to see Pete, but he’s thrilled to see Peggy, at least initially. Upon entering the office, he lovingly refers to her as, “Ballerina,” and gives her a big bear hug. If you recall, it was Freddy who first convinced Don and Co. to give then-secretary Peggy a shot at being copywriter for the old agency. And look how far she’s come since then!
“I’ve come VERY far! I now wear granny suits, and have the haircut of an 85- year old, despite being in my mid 20s!”
Peggy’s and Freddy’s reminiscences are cut short when Roger Sterling comes back from lunch with the Ponds CEO, clearly wasted!
Not THAT wasted!
“That man sure knows how to have a good time!” Roger proclaims about his lunch companion, before stumbling back to his office.
“That’s some job he has,” scoffs Peggy upon Roger’s exit, echoing the same thoughts many of us Mad Men fans have had throughout the course of the series. Seriously, does Roger ever work? (He does have the best one liners-though!)
“I also have the best sex life. Unless you count Don . . .”
Freddy is not paying attention to Peggy’s gripes, however. He’s worried about the CEO of Ponds. He gets up and rushes to make a call. “I heard you went out with Roger Sterling today. Do you have something to tell me?” Freddy says into the phone.
Clearly, the “fraternity” Freddy and the CEO were in together only has two Greek letters in it . . . and both of them are “alpha.”
Later, Peggy and Freddy argue over the Ponds campaign. Freddy wants to use more mature models as spokeswomen, and Peggy wants to use young beautiful ones. Gone are the days of prim and proper Peggy, who would either hold her tongue completely or politely express her disapproval, when one of her colleagues made a campaign suggestion that was ill advised. She really let poor Freddy have it, basically telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he was “old-fashioned” and had no talent.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women sticking up for themselves. And Freddy’s notion that young women idolize and want to look like old ones, simply because old women are MARRIED, is pretty laughable. And yet, the diatribe seemed a bit tactless on Peggy’s part. Talk about biting the hand that once fed you!
Freddy wasn’t much better, telling Peggy that if she didn’t work so hard, maybe she’d actually find a man that would want to marry her (and impliedly allow her to stay home barefoot and pregnant). Riiiiiiight, because MARRIED women are always SO MUCH happier than single ones . . .
Need I say more?
When Freddy didn’t show up for the office Christmas party, Peggy became concerned. So, she was understandably relieved to see Freddy in the office the next day. “I don’t want to have to worry that you are going to go out and get drunk, every time I hurt your feelings,” scoffs Peggy.
REAL NICE! Pick on the former alchy, why don’t you? What happened, Peggy? Did Marky Turd steal your sensitivity chip?
As it turns out, Freddy didn’t skip the Christmas party because Peggy “hurt his feelings,” he simply didn’t want to be Santa, because, for whatever, reason, Freddy associated wearing the Santa costume with getting wasted in it. Whatever the reason, he manages to stay sober.
Good for you, Freddy!
But you know who most certainly, DIDN’T stay sober this episode?
Don (Juan?) and Roger Claus
Not only is Don drunk for much of this hour, he is also having a REALLY difficult time getting laid. First he tries to hit on his new neighbor, Reed from Grey’s Anatomy . . .
. . . who has miraculously been brought back to life after her untimely death, and reincarnated as a nurse. “Reed” (who according to Wikipedia is called “Phoebe” on this show) is initially a very friendly new neighbor to Don, flirting with him mercilessly, and expressing concern over his habit of returning to his apartment inebriated on a regular basis. Upon confirming that Don is not the Scrooge he appears to be, (“I don’t hate Christmas. I just hate THIS Christmas,” he clarifies), she even invites him to her Christmas party, an invitation that he declines.
But when “Phoebe” helps a drunken Don into his apartment, and he tries to pull her into bed with him, she refuses. STRIKE ONE!
Don’s next target is a pretty market researcher . . .
. . . whose presentation Don walks out on, because he doesn’t want to answer a questionnaire about his parents . . . (That’s understandable, Dick Whitman Don Draper). When the researcher calls Don out on his evasive and rude behavior, he asks her out on a date. She declines, condescendingly telling him that he’ll be married in a year to someone else, anyway. STRIKE TWO!
But Don isn’t the only SCDP owner lowering his batting average this episode, Roger strikes out himself when he mistakenly invites Lucky Strike scion, Lee Garner, D-Bag (a client who more or less OWNS SCDP) to the office’s small “belt-tightened” Christmas party.
“Is Sal going to be there? I really miss Sal!”
Suddenly, the tightened belt must be loosened A LOT! “[You] have to take this party from Convalescent Home to Roman Orgy,” Roger instructs Joan. (She does.) “Wear that red dress with the bow on the back that looks like a present.” (She does.)
Lee, meanwhile, uses the party held in his honor, to basically make Roger’s life miserable. First he hits on both Roger’s new wife, and “Joanie,” his former lover. He then forces Roger to don a Santa suit, and takes pictures of him, with all the male employees sitting on his lap. (Fodder for the Lee Garner Jr. Spank Bank, no doubt.)
“But where’s Sal? I want Sal in the picture!”
To Roger’s credit, he’s an exceptionally good sport about the whole thing. The same can’t really be said for Don, who copes with the awkward event by getting completely sh*tfaced. He does share a sweet moment with Peggy, though. (“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart,” he tells her, and we can tell he really means it.)
When Don arrives home to find he has left his keys in his office, he calls his secretary, Allison (played by Alexa Alemanni), who is still at the party, but is about to leave with New Guy Joey and friends. She locates Don’s keys and agrees to bring them to his apartment. When New Guy Joey finds out that Allison is headed to La Casa de Drunk Don, he is not pleased. “He’s pathetic,” grumbles New Guy Joey about his boss.
(Note: A lot of fans on the message boards seemed “appalled” by Joey’s lack of respect for Don. But was I the only one that saw something more here? Does anyone else think Joey has the hots for Allison? After all, he did draw her what looked like it might have been a personalized caricature in her likeness, earlier in the episode . . .
. . . and he DOES have a cute butt! I wasn’t really a fan of that hideous RED velvet suit he was wearing during the office party though . . . That was HORRID!)
Anyway, Allison arrives at Don’s house to find him sleeping on the floor outside his apartment.
She lets him inside, sits him on the couch, and gets him a glass of water and some Aspirin, which he quickly downs. But as she is set to leave, he grabs her hand, and pulls her onto the couch with him. He then begins to kiss her, as he caresses her neck. “Don’t,” she says softly and without much fervor.
“Don’t, what?” He asks, laughing a bit, before beginning to kiss her again.
Allison manages to pull away one more time, but when the third kiss comes, she is completely swept away. “Oh,” she says with surprise, as Don falls on top of her, on the couch.
A few short minutes later . . . (because, lets be honest, Don had A LOT to drink), it’s all over. After a few moments of surprisingly tender petting, Allison sheepishly rights her clothing, and tells Don she has to go meet her friends. “Are you sure?” He asks.
Allison nods and heads for the door, “I . . . um,” She begins, not sure of how to broach the issue.
“I understand,” says Don.
The next day, however, it becomes pretty obvious, that Don does NOT understand! He basically lets Allison know, in no uncertain terms, that, in his mind, this was a “one time thing.” “I’ve too often taken advantage of your kindness,” he says.
Allison takes the hint, and, blinking back tears, accepts the envelope Don hands her, containing her Christmas bonus. She eagerly opens the envelope, hoping for some sign that there was more to all this than Don “taking advantage of her kindness.”
But along with the cash, is a card containing only one phrase: “Thank you for all your hard work.” – which, admittedly, can be interpreted in one of two ways, both of which make Poor Allison feel like a hooker . . . (At least Don never asked her to slap him.)