But, lately, it’s become more out of habit than anything else. Basically, I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that the spark in our relationship has fizzled a bit. We’ve even started seeing other people shows . . .
Now, lest you think I’m a total sour fangbanger, I will say that the past few episodes of True Blood have been fairly decent. And yet, with only one episode left in the season, I feel like this may just be a case of “too little, too late.”
However . . .
I don’t give up on my friends and my lovers. And I definitely don’t give up on my once-favorite television shows. The truth of the matter is, I still think True Blood can be saved!
A few weeks back, I suggested a few possible spinoffs for the show, that might re-energize the franchise. This week, I’m focusing on the show, itself. So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, my seven (and a half) step foolproof plan to make True Blood fangtastic, once again . . .
The folks of Bon Temps definitely know how to tell a great story. Over the past few years, we’ve had a few really great plotlines that will forever remind me of why I fell in love with this show, in the first place. Who could forget Season 1’s Sexy Serial Killer?
And let us not forget Season 3’s “Mississippi Vampire King Delivers the News” . . .
Like its predecessors, Season 5 has also had its share of solid storylines. For example, I’ve been genuinely enjoying Tara Thornton’s and Steve Newlin’s parallel transitions into “good new vampire” and “bad new vampire,” respectively.
And Vampire Pam has positively killed it this season (no pun intended), with her kickass “origins” story, her heartbreaking (hopefully temporary) separation from Eric, and her surprisingly heartwarming acceptance of her responsibilities as Tara’s maker.
Speaking of Eric, I’ve also really enjoyed seeing a genuine soft side to the Viking Vampire (as opposed to the artificial, highly disconcerting “manchild” soft side we got during the Amnesia!Eric Days, last season), as he struggles with his faith, his feelings toward his Maker and Progeny, and his strong desire to save the soul of his “sister” Nora.
The problem is that these are just four of about twelve different storylines that have been jam-packed into this season. Now, sure, the idea of every single cast member getting his or her own extended backstory / plotline is good, in theory. But it’s simply not workable for a twelve-episode season. I mean, honestly, did we REALLY need to spend eight episodes on the Big Bad Battle between Terri and Noel from Felicity versus The Smoke Monster from Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo?
And what about that bizarro Shifter Killers in Obama Masks storyline . . . you know, the one that was largely comprised of roughly ten characters we have never seen before, and will likely never see again? In a 22 or 24 episode season the existence of these sideplots wouldn’t have mattered so much. But in a cable-sized season, they took significant time away from stories and characters we genuinely care about.
So, in conclusion, when it comes to storylines, less is more. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the best seasons of True Blood were also the ones with the least storylines. Season 1 managed to rope all of its characters into a single Serial Killer plotline. And Season 2 did the same with thing with two plotlines. As a rule of thumb, the more core characters you can incorporate into your story, the more invested your viewers will be in that story. This, of course, leads me to . . .
2) Don’t split up your core cast members
The majority of this season found Sookie, Jason, Pam and Tara slumming it in Bon Temps, while their co-stars, Eric and Bill, schmoozed it up with those uber snooty (not to mention, snoozy) Authority folk. Now, whether you happen to be Team Eric or Team Bill, TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! as a fan, this had to dust your doilies a little bit.
Now, I’m not even lodging this complaint from a shipper / romance perspective. I’m simply talking about basic logistics. Having your most popular characters interact with one another on a regular basis, is something fans LIKE TO SEE. After all, back in Season 1, we signed on for a show about a spunky Southern Waitress, interacting with Sexy Vampires.
Not a Spunky Southern Waitress traipsing around with nameless fairies, while the Sexy Vampires are doing their own thing, Somewhere ELSE . . .
Just sayin . . .
3) Choose an Interesting and Charismatic Big Bad
Over the years, True Blood has had some stellar super villains. There was the elusive Rene Lenier in season 1 . . .
Initially, Season 5 of True Blood seemed to have the right idea. Bringing back that zany religious nutbar Steve Newlin? And as a VAMPIRE, no less? Then, pairing him with Russell Edgington, for a dynamic (and surprisingly likeable) evil duo? How could this plan NOT succeed?
And, to some extent, it did succeed . . . Russell’s and Steve’s scenes together comprise some of the most enjoyable, hilarious moments of this entire series.
So, what’s the problem, then? All those OTHER lame villains, who have also been thrown into the mix, starting with . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . That Gross Red Lady, Lilith . . .
I mean, honestly, aside from that extremely small population of men who get turned on by women coated in chunky tomato sauce, with voices like drag queens, who exactly is the audience for this kind of character? I mean, doesn’t say much, so she’s not exactly funny or smart. The fact that she may or may not be real, makes her not particularly scary. And the fact that she seems to get everyone else to do her dirty work, while she just stands there and stares at the camera, makes her flat out LAZY!
The same can pretty much be said for her minion, Salome, who, at least is a bit nicer to look at, but pretty much bores me to tears, every time she is on screen.
What bothers me so much about this flaw in Season 5, is that it was entirely unnecessary! We had two perfectly good villains, who were more than capable of carrying the show on their own.
One of my favorite things about True Blood, was that the show could always be counted on to bring the SASSY. Back in Season 1, Pam, Tara and Lafayette comprised the Triumvirate of Sass. These three could always be counted on to have the perfect zinger for just about every wacky situation on the show. Here are just a few of their highlights . . .
But then somewhere in the middle of the series Pam got quiet, Tara got whiny, and Lafayette (when he wasn’t getting kidnapped, or crying about something) was getting possessed way too often by people who were way less sassy then himself.
So, in the future, TB writers. Let’s keep the Triumvirate of Sass doing what they do best, BEING SASSY. And please, for the love of all that is holy, NO MORE POSSESSIONS . . . EVER!
5) The books are GOOD! (Well, at least the first seven were . . . ) USE THEM!
By now, it’s certainly no secret, even to the most casual True Blood fan that the television series is based on a collection of books called the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries, written by the author, Charlaine Harris. Up until this year, each season of True Blood could be mapped directly to a Sookie Stackhouse Book. Season 1 of True Blood loosely followed, Book 1 of the Series, Dead Until Dark. Season 2 followed Book 2, Living Dead in Dallas, and so on . . .
Following along with a popular book series, was a win-win proposition for True Blood. Fans of the books enjoyed seeing their favorite characters come to life on the small screen. And while these book readers knew the basic structure of the season’s plot line, there were always little surprises thrown into the series, to keep them on their toes. Like, for example, there was that time that a character who died early in the books (Lafayette), shockingly survived in the series. And then, there was that other character (Jason), who turned into a shifter in the books, but stayed human in the series. Book fans were also able to enjoy the addition into the television series of a few original plotlines which, while they didn’t actually take place in the context of the books, still seemed to consistent enough with the overall narrative of the story, that they conceivably COULD have happened, in the novel’s “deleted scenes.”
Then Season 5 came, and it suddenly felt as though the books never existed . . .
Now, I know . . . I know . . . the show is NOT meant the same as the books. And True Blood writers are obviously well within their rights to develop original plotlines for these characters in the context of the show. On the other hand, there are still a couple of excellent plotlines from the books that it would almost be a shame not to use in the series. I mainly referring to the AWESOME World Vampire Conference in Book 7, and the very intriguing mystery of what happened to Sookie’s cousin Hadley, in Book 6 . . .
Basing the True Blood Seasons around particular books, helped the writers give this show consistency, structure, and balance, which brings me to . . .
7) Maintain a healthy balance between camp and horror
True Blood still remains one of the few shows out there that can make things like brutal stabbings, and bloody murder FUNNY.
Part of the reason for this is that the show, its actors, and its writers never took themselves too seriously. By inserting moments of “meta” self awareness, and slapstick hilarity, into even its most gruesome sequences, early True Blood episodes successfully towed the line between comedy and horror, without being totally offensive or tasteless.
Then came this season . . . and that vampire that eats little kids and babies . . . Now, call me prude, but there’s just no way I can find that funny. In fact, I have trouble finding any portion of the Vampire Authority Storyline (with the exception of the scenes including Russell and Steve) funny . . .
Maybe it’s because those stuffy, Lilith-loving politicians are always so gosh darn serious all the time!
So, in conclusion, for next season, I suggest, more CAMP . . . less politics / baby eaters. KAPEESH?
And finally . . . last, but certainly not least . . .
7.5) Less naked Lilith and Luna, more naked Eric / Alcide / and Jason!
I think this one is pretty much, self-explanatory. Don’t you?
So, there you have it, 7.5 surefire ways to keep True Blood Fangtastic for Season 6. Any questions?
Boot and Rally, Fangbangers! It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over. After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.
But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.
At least, I call that strong. Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.
Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them. It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.
But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!
REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan
When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.
Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching. (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)
Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs. Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!
Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome. There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.
Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight. Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)
Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.
She’s game, though! Talk about a boot and rally. Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!
Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.” Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something. Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war. Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground. But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .
In other news . . .
REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?
Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car. (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)
So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation. He prays to Jesus . . .
. . . well, not THAT Jesus . . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer. THIS Jesus . . .
You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force? “Show me a sign that you hear me!” Lafayette pleads.
Jesus does his former beau one better. He gives him head . . . literally.
REVENGE of . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline
In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”
Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas, who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.
But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.
My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.
Why was that my favorite? Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .
REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks
Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo! There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man! Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season. Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)
Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was, until the second-to-last episode.
But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras. They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress. But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?
One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding. I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.” But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together, crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.
After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.
But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.
Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.
Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .
And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .
The Return of Russell Edgington!
With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times. Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)! Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms. The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.
The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .
So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .
(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)
I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs . . .
“PLEASE STOP! I promise I’ll scramble them next time!”
Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning. He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs. Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .
“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?”
Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by. But still, Lala does not respond. So, Jesus just sadly kisses him. But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN . . .
“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala? Because that sh*t is RANK!”
It smells like WITCHIPOO!
“Dammit! I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth. So STUPID!”
Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all. OH NO! Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED! Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair. Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps? I’m thinking not . . .
“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know. Because I really want to go grab my hat.”
But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .
Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.
“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.”
Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy. What else is new?
You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years. And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .
Yeah, that’s really gross. Sorry about that. I tried to help, by making it smaller . . .
Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately. And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence. Nope. She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.
Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids. You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something. Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .
Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara. (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”) You see . . . Sookie? She’s the main character of the show. She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her. But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you. And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .
Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?
“Poor Tommy Boy! I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”
A word of warning, Kiddies! This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up. The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them. In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .
In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.
Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time. It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.
“YEAH! Take that, Mom!”
Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own. Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5. Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season . . .
“Motherly love? Who needs motherly love? I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!”
After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.
“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna? Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman? I’ve really always wanted to bang her.”
Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again. Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .
Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .
Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .
“Well, this feels familiar. But hey! At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers. So . . . PROGRESS!”
Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess. And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense. You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .
In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks. I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .
Oh, don’t you worry, Jason! Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉
That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood. (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps? Well, it is!)
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?”
After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something. And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was. Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things). It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt. And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .
“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.”
Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it. But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it. He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex. Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!
I never said he had good taste . . .
To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy . . .
“Come on, people! You know you want a piece of this!”
Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door. And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night. But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door. It’s THIS GUY. . .
That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!
So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself? I don’t know. And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out. But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease? After all, this IS a Halloween episode. And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.
“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this? This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in! Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap? It’s giving me a wedgie. Plus, I’m in SCRUBS! No one should have to die in scrubs . . . SO UNFLATTERING!”
Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power. But Jesus is not down with that. He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .
Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium. And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from! Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again. And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!
Sorry, wrong Jesus. Thanks for coming, though!
So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards. Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet. But here’s the weird thing. It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit? Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?
Pretty in Purple
Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat . . .
Speaking of weird outfits . . .
Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!
So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season? It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK! Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.
And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day. He was Tommy. So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween. Sounds like a fair trade, right? I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right? (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that? Never mind then . . .)
By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene? Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .
Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town. At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition. Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .
. . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .
. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .
Sookie didn’t take it though. Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC. More on that later. Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer. He just got a call from one of his construction workers. Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left. I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?
You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4. Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .
Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)
(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)
Surprise! All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .
So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended. Even more surprising, he’s being NICE! He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST . . .
“Wait . . . why am I hugging you? You’re the one he’s talking about!”
Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said. Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever. I kind of take that meaning literally. After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country. He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it. What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween . . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.
In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry. And he seems to be pretty darn hot. How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .
Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?
All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance? FAIL!
Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight. She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary. HAHA!
“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”
Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore. And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo. (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!) So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth. Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.
“I only make constipated faces, because I care.”
At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?). Sound familiar?
And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .
Ah! The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love! So sweet!
The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt. You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.
“Shhhh! Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!”
Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I? id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB? Well, he/she did!
“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?” Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?” In that case, hey Sookie! Get a load of my HOT ROD!”
Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh! Boring! A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo! Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)
“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.”
Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time. I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.
Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.” And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .
. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .
. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face. And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?
So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires. And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .
Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES WITH THAT HAND!
So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor. But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English. But I think you will get the idea . . .)
Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Cry me a river, Toots!
And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals. SERIOUSLY?
You got that right, Witchipoo! You deserved WAY WORSE!
Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again. And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one! So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND. HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!
You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard. I haven’t decided yet . . .
Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked . . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”
Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .
Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!
“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours? You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing? You’re a KING, for crying out loud!”
OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl. But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME! (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES! Heaven forbid!) I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.
Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):
“Eric you are great at sex. Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii. You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend. But, unfortunately, you are both out. Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’ Better luck next time!”
The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing. Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl! YIPPEE! I WIN!”
But he didn’t win. He lost. Bill lost. They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .
I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries. (Two for F*&kin Sookie). Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer.
In completely unrelated news . . .
Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .
Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition. I just had no where else to put this completely random scene. You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy. This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend. You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff. (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)
I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .
Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .
“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”
Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business. Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.
(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC! He had ALL the best one liners of the finale. Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)
Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .
She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . . But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.
They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL. (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?) Correction: They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD. “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan. (And you have to admit. Girlfriend has a point.)
Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way. Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like). And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode? (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.) Here it is . . .
And you know when he said it? Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .
Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them. (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.) He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus. But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead. Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive. But hey, let’s not be picky, all right? The boy is hurting here.
Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did. Because now he never has to end up old andhanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores. At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this. I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?
Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution. He watched people rust out and fade away for a living. So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus. And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . . I hope not, for his sake, at least.
And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .
All together now . . . AWWWW!
OK. Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling. You know why? Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR. And that’s why THIS happens . . .
Did you catch all that? Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER. Then, Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?). Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!
So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely . . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me. Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin . . . MAYBE.
Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.
Sorry, Tarapoo! Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old . . .
And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell. So . . . let’s talk about it. Did you think it was Fangtastic? Or did it SUCK? Sound off in the comment section below.
Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries. You really should watch The Vampire Diaries. Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season. I couldn’t have done this without you!
PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode! Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!”
ERIC: “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”
BILL: “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”
Greetings Fangbangers! We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky. And if this week’s installment was any indication, our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG . . .
. . . a whimper . . .
. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .
But that’s NEXT WEEK. In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us . . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken. So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . . . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .
(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)
Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)
You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk. Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army? (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)
When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS! Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip! As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”
Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.
“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.”
After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.
King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do. And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all. But they will let her blow them later. Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?
Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica. He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him. I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.
“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!”
Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .
Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends
Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . .
Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home. Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.” Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin. Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious. It is up to you to know the difference . . .
Hotel California? Seriously? How OLD are YOU?
Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave. (How kind of her!) She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .
But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly. “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences . . .
“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!”
In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.
“Oof! I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”
“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers . . .
Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games! She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT! Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome . . .
But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!
He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse. This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body. And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.
While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.
They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass (and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.
Yes, Caroline. I thought that was funny too!
Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate. But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .
Meanwhile, over in Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .
Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .
Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?
Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .
Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light! It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .
“I’m my own night light!”
As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is Moron Maurella. She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .
Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.” (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?) Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story. Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V. But hey, what does she know. This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!
Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . .(Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))
In other secondary storyline news . . .
Bye Bye, Greasypoo!
“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”
Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances. (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)
I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating.
Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .
“Hey! For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own. I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.”
As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together. Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird. I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them? A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!
Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .
“You think I’m funny? Do I amuse you?”
He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death. I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces . . .
Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.
Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment. And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN. GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID! Now that’s just CRAZY!
Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house. And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside. And that’s when the Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .
At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form. Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy! And he’s got vengeance on his side. The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!). “Live with that,” taunts Sam. Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift. He also picks up a gun. This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .
“Grrrr . . . Me . . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.”
Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo. Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends. But Alcide isn’t hearing it. He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.” It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t. It’s a BIG DEAL. When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity. Talk about getting closure in a breakup!
“No wait! I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS! Take it back! Take it back!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this: “I will see you no longer. I will share flesh with you no longer.”
“Haha! He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX! (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)”
Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is. We didn’t get to hear his response. I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.” Don’t worry Emma! At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!
Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie? Weird . . .
Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo . . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)
Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful. The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly. And the female gets gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly. And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is. Friggin ZOMBIE!
We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo. Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement. Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .
“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”
Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.” Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.
Seriously? That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard. I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all. But COME ON! I mean, who would run Fangtasia? Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock? Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo? Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?
Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal. “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly. (Wait? Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires? Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)
Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .
. . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED. Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .
No offense, Dawson Leery . . .
. . . or Will Schuester!
So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was giving Sookie pleasure about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.
And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being . . .
I said ALMOST . . .
Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger. I mean, we all KNEW unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric. So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.
That someone is Pam. She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie. (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)
“Thar she blows!”
After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside. I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .
Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .
Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did. After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right? Protect her Maker? And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .
And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment. What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all? As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire. So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie? Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable. King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.
“Come back, King Cockblock! Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”
However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan. Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!
Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt. “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.
And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug. All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”
Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON! He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .
Man! You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT! Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . . Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time. And he heals. And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again. “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you naked,” admits Jason. That’s funny! Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”
You know what all this means, don’t you? MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS! 🙂
Can I get a HELL YEAH!
Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?
Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD! (Which old witch? The WICKED WITCH) Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!
You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . . . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day? Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror (Obviously! Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!) So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!
SERIOUSLY! And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die. So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her. They do. And outside, this starts to happen . . .
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . .
Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right? Oh wait . . . I DID!
Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS 🙂 . . . and Bill 😦 . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!
“What am I? Chopped liver? I want to be rescued too!”
Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.
Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT! She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire. (She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire. She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre. Dammit! Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))
Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).
“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”
“Lala? Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”
“Hey Jesus! You have a little something on your face . . .”
Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie. I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask. It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).
Never . . . gets . . . old. (For me, anyway!)
In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent. Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first. So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart . . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)
Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually. I mean, one bullet . . . done. And then everybody just went home . . .
Actually, it’s not. Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat. Then, they both go to sleep. And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head. And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?
I don’t know. Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY? Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.
Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . . Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!
Remember, Fangbangers! It’s the season finale! So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will). See you then!
“I’m back, and I remember everything, including what a poopyhead that cockblock Vampire Beeeeel is, and how he lied to, betrayed, and once, tried to eat Sookie. Perhaps, SHE is the one with amnesia. Is there a doctor in the house?”
Greetings Fangbangers! This week’s installment of True Blood was all about multiple personality disorder . . .
Well . . . OK . . . that isn’t exactly true. But we did get to explore the various versions of most of our characters, this week. Let’s see, there was: Old Viking Vamp Eric, Amnesia Sometimes-Zombie Eric, and New and Improved, Best of Both Worlds, Eric . . .
There was, Witchipoo Antonia, Witchipoo Marnie, and Witchipoo What the F*&k is this B*tch Doing Talking to Herself, Like That? Because That’s Just Creepy . . .
“I’m so confused . . .”
We got Regular Jesus, and Weird Helmet-Head Jesus . . .
Is this going to mess up my hair?
V-addicted Andy and Sober Andy . . .
Coincidentally, both of them always seem to make this facial expression . . .
Alive Tommy and Dead Tommy . . .
(Yes, I recognize that was in bad taste . . .)
And finally, Smart Sookie Who Loves Eric, and Dumb as a Bowl of Grits Sookie, Who Loves King Cockblock . . .
Sometimes the truth hurts, Sookie . . .
So charge up those glow fingers, put on your weird demon mask, and prepare to make a run for the Anti-Human Electric Fence, because it’s time for another recap . . .
(Again, as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the glorious screencaps you see here. I couldn’t have done this without you, you fabulous screencapper, you!)
The Most Fun You’ve Ever Had, During a Tolerance Convention . . .
The episode begins with all those zombie vampires, doing Witchipoos bidding, by trying to Kill Bill . . .
Now, THIS is the kind of convention I could support wholeheartedly! Step Aside, Comic Con, I’m spending my vacation money on CockblockKillCon, next year! Of course, there is that little problem of all those innocent humans getting murdered along the way, But, hey, no convention is perfect, right?
(By the way, it is important to note that the episode began with this TOTALLY random shot of the LARGEST 1-800 Dentist poster, I have ever seen in my entire life. Talk about product placement. Are we to assume, based on when this advertisement appeared that 1-800 Dentist is on Team Eric?)
Unfortunately, it is during this convention, that we are forced to bid a fond farewell, to Young-Looking Hot Sheriff, who was somehow murdered, amidst all this Bill Killing Madness . . .
Goodbye Young-Looking Hot Sheriff . . . we barely knew ye!
Things get a little crazy, at this point in the episode . . . You know, with all these extras dying, and stuff. And it’s not until Zombie Eric finally wraps his arms around King Cockblock’s scrawny neck that things REALLY start to get interesting.
Insert porn music here . . .
Sookie’s doing her Screaming Thing (“No, No, Beeeeel, Beeeeel!”), while Zombie Eric is doing his Killing Thing, and Bill is doing his Constipated Facial Expression Thing. Everything is going great! Eric even takes out a STAKE, and is ready to PUT IT IN BEEEEL’S HEART! And then Sookie has to ruin it all with those damn Glow Fingers of Hers . . .
And, in that moment, all of Witchipoo’s spells suddenly wear off . . .
“Dammit! Who’s going to Kill Bill NOW?”
But don’t despair, True Blood fans. Because even the darkest of cockblock-shaped clouds bear a silver lining . . . I mentioned that ALL the spells wore off, INCLUDING ERIC’S AMNESIA.
“You know, a thousand years of new/old memories are great and all . . . but where the f*&k is my Shower Sex?”
Suddenly, in the midst of all this blood and gore, Sookie and Eric are eye-f*&king eachother, like nobody’s business. But the eyes Eric is using to try and impregnate Sookie, are NOT those dopey amnesia-ish eyes, he’s been sporting all season, but smart, wiley, sexy, “I want to ravage you, like the badass I am” eyes.
“Hey Eric, you are looking kind of bloody. Might I interest you in a shower?”
And if that wasn’t enough to clue you in to the fact that the Viking Vamp was back to his old self, the writers spelled it out for you, with a cheesy montage of Eric’s Greatest Hits . . .
Did I say “hits?” I meant “f*&ks.”
After the main cast members escape the melee, a very bloody Nan begins the process of damage control, by glamouring the survivors, who are screaming in terror and yelping in pain. Witchipoo is watching, and suddenly morphs into that Antonia chick from the flashbacks. And, would you believe that evil wench is actually crying?
“Oh no! I’m not crying. I just have something in Marnie’s eye . . .”
Speaking of crying . . .
Tommy, Can You Hear Me? (Oops . . . guess not)
I genuinely hope Alcide wasn’t too attached to his car, because those front seats are TOTALLY going to have to be reupholstered, now that Tommy had to go and hack up blood and guts all over them. (RUDE!)
“Anybody got a napkin?”
Alcide wants to taking Dying Tommy to the hospital. But since Dying Tommy KNOWS he’s pretty much going to die anyway, he insists on being taken to Merlotte’s, which he has always considered his one true home. When Alcide and Dying Tommy arrive at the bar, Sam is outside waiting for them. Of course, he’s feeling all kinds of guilty about, you know, telling Dying Tommy he never wants to see him again, and . . . unwittingly letting his little brother get pummeled beyond recognition by an an asshat werewolf packleader, all while wearing his FACE . . .
Since Dying Tommy refuses to go to the hospital, and Alcide says it’s a man’s right to choose when he dies (Now, THAT’S a controversial statement, if I ever heard one.), Alcide and Sam lay Tommy down on a dirty table in the bar. (Classy!) Then we get this sort of long, drawn out, extended Tommy death scene, complete with plenty of tears, lots of shivers and wheezing, discussions of the Great Beyond, and a maudlin exchange of “I love you’s” and “I’m sorry’s.”
Honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen this over-dramatic of a death scene, since . . .well . . . EVER! Correction . . . it actually kind of reminded me of THIS . . .
Most of the time, people on this show simply get their throats slit, or their hearts ripped out, and you just never see them again.
R.I.P. Grams . . .
But I guess the writers of this show felt like Tommy’s life was crappy enough, that he deserved a send off, with some fanfare. So, of course, we get to hear Sam tell Tommy he loves him, even if he stole his face. And we get to hear Tommy say that meeting Sam was the best part of his life . . . which was probably saddest part of the whole scene, when you really think about it . . . Because, you know, Sam spent half of Tommy’s life telling him what a worthless sack of sh*t he was . . .
“You’re a worthless sack of sh*t . . . but I love you.”
After Tommy croaks, Alcide and Sam head to the car shop, in search of Greasypoo. They find one of his minions there, and start pistol whipping, and kicking the crap out of him.
Tommy would definitely have approved . . .
R.I.P. Tommy Boy . . . you naughty little dog, you!
Speaking of Greasypoo . . .
Trailer Trash Debbie and Greasypoo: A Match Made in Dog Poopy
If you ask me, despite all his Big Talk about pack loyalty, and unity, and whatnot, Greasypoo has always been a bit jealous of Alcide, probably because the latter has a better ass, and WAY better hair than he does.
“How the hell does he keep that thing so firm? The guy must eat rocks for breakfast!”
But when Alcide directly disobeys his pack leader, by not letting him beat up Sam/Tommy, Greasypoo vies for revenge. He gets this revenge by racing over to Trailer Trash Debbie’s house, and smoking a few joints with her, while he basically humps her leg.
As skeevy as he is, Greasypoo genuinely seems to have a knack for reading other mutts-i-heat. And, let’s face it. Trailer Trash Debbie isn’t all that hard to read. Greasypoo plays on the psycho she-wolf’s insecurities about her relationship with Alcide, his insistence on not getting too entangled with the pack, and his desire not to have children with a drug-addicted wackadoo like Debbie. Then he pretty much tells her that she should ditch Alcide, and start doing doggystyle with him. Way to be subtle, Greasypoo!
Alcide is not amused . . .
Now, I know Debbie’s supposed to be crazy, and insecure and all. But I didn’t realize she was BLIND TOO. I mean, seriously, Debbie? Greasypoo over Alcide? Have you LOOKED at your boyfriend’s ass, lately? That juicy mound of flesh is the Eighth Wonder of the World, and you want to trade it in for Mr. Dances with A$$holes, here? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Intervention – Fort Bellefleur Edition
*sigh* Last week, we FINALLY saw the end to that ridiculous Evil Baby storyline. And this week HOPEFULLY spared us from having to suffer from any more Andy on V Moments. We start our little tale with Arlene and Terry shoving a vial of V right in front of his face, and reading him the riot act, about how he has the nerve to keep V around the house where Arlene’s kids are staying. “I think it has a childproof cap,” notes Andy helpfully.
Nice try, Andy! But if it actually had a childproof cap, you probably wouldn’t be able to open it . . .
Childproof cap or not, Terry knows that Andy remains in denial about his addiction. And so he takes him to Fort Bellefleur, a fort the two cousins(?) used to hang out in together, when they were kids. PTSD Terry, who, himself, is no stranger to addiction, forces Andy to admit that being high on V, does not, in fact, make him stronger, by engaging in a few shooting and wrestling competitions with him. It’s all incredibly manly and homoerotic . . . or, at least, it would be, if Eric, Jason, or Alcide were involved, rather then Andy and Terry.
“I haven’t taken a dump since Season 4 premiered. And I am VERY upset about it.”
During this weird little intervention, we learn a bit about the kind of childhoods these two had, and how, like in most families, they both were jealous of one another, for their own reasons. Eventually, Andy cracks and breaks down and cries, which Terry thinks is awesome, because it shows that (1) he’s finally hit rock bottom; and (2) he has a soul. Then Terry kicks off his cousin’s trip toward sobriety, by forcing him to walk home alone. Well, I guess it’s a lot cheaper than rehab . . .
“This intervention SUCKS! Where’s that Dr. Drew guy, when you need him?”
Witches Need Motivational Speakers Too . . .
Witchipoo and her top minion, return to the Moon Goddess Emporium with the two remaining zombie vampire sheriffs, in toe, both of whom she stores in the ladies’ room for convenience. She is greeted there by her coven / group of hostages, who aren’t particularly happy to see her. They are all getting kind of freaked out, because they can’t get cell phone reception in the Emporium, and if they try to leave through the front or back door, their hands will get burned off.
“This makes me VERY ANGRY. Other things that make me VERY angry: vampires, loud animals, the long line at the DMV, donuts, air, people who breathe funny, people who hold their breath, so as not to breathe funny, books, shoes, cable television, Ghandi . . .”
While the rest of the coven opt for techological means of escape, Holly pours through a spell book, in search of an appropriate cantation to get them out of there. Tara seems skeptical of Holly’s methods, at first. However, after Holly gives Tara her version of the “We are witches, hear us cackle” speech, Tara who “always has a lot of rage to spare, whether or not it is magical” decides to join in her witchy games.
“I would be smiling at you Tara, except that I just did a Botox Spell on my face . . . Don’t judge! They don’t pay waitresses what they used to, and if a girl ain’t got her youth, she’s got nuttin’!”
Meanwhile, in Witchipoo’s office, girlfriend is talking to herself . . . no, seriously, Antonia leaves Witchipoo’s body, and she actually BEGINS to have a conversation with her better half. Perhaps, the most shocking thing about this scene is that, as viewers, we always assumed that Antonia was the “Bad Guy,” while Marnie was just the “innocent vessel victim” in all this. What we learn here, is that Antonia’s power has COMPLETELY corrupted the formerly weak Marnie, and now she wants to KILL EVERYONE!
“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little King Cockblock TOO!”
Surprisingly enough, Antonia seems to be the voice of reason here, rightfully telling Marnie, that by putting all these HUMAN lives at risk, in addition to vampires, Witchipoo is no worse than those bloodsuckers, themselves. Then MARNIE starts manipulating Antonia, by telling her how she should hate all HUMANS too, since none of them stopped to help her, all those years ago, while she was being burned alive at the stake.
“Well, I’ve got to admit. I HAVE had better days . . .”
Antonia reluctantly agrees with her vessel’s assessment. So, the two hold hands, call eachother “sister,” do a little Ring Around the Rosie thing, and suddenly they are back in the business of killing EVERYONE IN BON TEMPS . . .
Except for the Flying Monkeys . . . They can stay . . .
Guilty Jason, Hungry Jessica, and Farting Hoyt . . .
After a few mind-blowing rounds of Pickup Truck F*&k with Baby Vamp Jessica, the Guilt Monster lodges his head in Jason Stackhouse’s brain, and simply won’t leave. Jessica reassures him that, since Jessica and Hoyt already broke up, what they did technically wasn’t cheating. But, of course, Jason is still dating Hoyt, at least, in the bromantic sense, and therein lies the problem.
“Just say NO to Hot Pickup Truck F*&ks! YES, YES, OHHHHHH YES!”
Jason fondly recalls how he’s taken care of Hoyt his whole life, and can’t imagine stopping now. He then has the audacity to ask Jessica to glamour him to forget that the two of them had sex, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore . . .
Jessica, of course, is furious, and understandably so . . . “F*&king HUMANS! I’m going to go eat someone,” she says, before stalking out of the truck. YOU GO, BABY VAMP!
. . . an extremely vulnerable Hoyt is chugging beers, and trying not to cry, as he begs his bestie to let him crash at HIS place, since he can’t bear the thought of staying in his Formerly Owned By Crazy Eyes Evil Baby Mama Haunted house without Jess in it.
Overwhelmed by guilt over his “affair,” Jason obliges his friend. However, Hoyt’s constant boohooing about Jessica, combined with his apparently stinky bedtime farts, overwhelm Jason with frustration (and nausea). So, HE asks to stay with Sookie instead. Sookie, being the judgmental gal that she is, scolds Jason for not being more understanding of Hoyt’s loss.
But, of course, this is the SOOKIE STACKHOUSE show. So, within about a minute, Sookie has already forgotten about Jason’s problems, and is back on her own. You see (surprise, surprise) Sookie needs Jason’s help. We’ll get to the “why” and the “how” in a bit . . .
But for now, let’s move our focus to the both sweetest, and most jaw-clenchingly frustrating, scene in the entire hour . . .
This is the Part of the Episode, Where I Wanted to Punch Sookie in the Face . . .
Oh, come on, SOOKEH! Let’s not act like you don’t deserve it . . .
When we last left Eric, he was blinkingly staring into Sookie’s eyes, with a look that says: I remember what it was like having Narnia Sex with you. But I ALSO remember what it was like to watch my parents be murdered by Russell Edgington, and to avenge their deaths, by killing a sweet gay vamp named Talbot.
Just in case you forgot . . . here is a helpful reminder . . .
And yet, we weren’t 100% certain what Eric ACTUALLY remembered, or would be willing to admit that he remembered. BOOK SPOILER: This is particularly true of Sookie Stackhouse book fans, who undoubtedly recall Eric frustratingly and inexplicably lying to Sookie, by telling her he no longer remembers his Amnesia Time. (He eventually comes clean to her about remembering, in the subsequent book.)
So, when Eric and Sookie sit down next to one another on that couch. And Eric tells her that he remembers everything, and that nothing has changed, my little fangirl heart started may or may not have started to do engage in a little celebratory dance.
But then Sookie has to start blubbering on about King Cockblock (See? There he goes again, ruining what could have been a spectacular pre-sex moment.), and how she still luuuuuuuuuves him, and that’s why she thinks her glow fingers were able to save him, and blah, blah, blah . . .
I’m sorry. I just can’t take anything Sookie says seriously, while she’s wearing that ridiculous Preschool Picture Day hoodie . . .
Eric is understandably not amused . . .
He reminds Sookie that she gave himself to him fully and completely (a.k.a They Banged . . . Like . . . A Lot), therefore . . .
Sookie more, or less, echoing her own words from her Threesome Dream replies that she never promised to be Eric’s. Instead, he is hers. Furthermore, she loves both him and Bill because only half of her actually has good taste . . .
Man, for a group of blood suckers, vampires have surprisingly rigid views when it comes to monogamy! Eric looks crestfallen, when he learns that he is not the ONLY person that Sookie loves. And when Pam rushes in to reunite with her maker, he can barely contain his sadness and disappointment from his progeny, even as he is warmly offering her a “welcome back” hug . . .
By the way, when Sookie ended Witchipoo’s curse on Eric, did she break Pam’s decaying curse too? I wonder . . .
OMG! They are going to KILL TARA! *fist pumps, cheers, does happy dance**sniffles, cries*
Later, the group reconvenes at King Cockblock’s house. There they decide the best plan of action for defeating Witchipoo. As it turns out, they want to blow her up, while she’s hanging out inside the Moon Goddess Emporium, of course! I, of course, think this is a FABULOUS idea. But then Sookie the Killjoy, has to get all “moral” on the team, with her “Wahhhhh, what about all the innocent people? And what about TARA?”
“BEEEEEEEEL! Don’t KIIIIIIIILLLL TAAAAAARAAAA!”
To which, Eric, who has clearly got his snark back replies, “So, they bet on the wrong horse.”
Indeed. Of course, my favorite part of the exchange comes when King Cockblock starts ranting and raving like a lunatic about how much he wants Witchipoo dead. And Eric glances knowingly over at a horrified Sookie, and says sarcastically, “Loveable, isn’t he?”
No Eric . . . no he is most certainly NOT loveable. But YOU ARE!
Have . . .temporarily . . . lost . . . ability . . . to . . . form . . . complete . . . sentences.
“You get the True Death . . . and YOU get the True Death . . .”
In what is becoming a fairly regular occurrence, the vampires find themselves once again forcibly silvering themselves during the day time, in Bill’s cubby hole, so as to prevent Witchipoo from forcing them to meet the sun.
Rather than sleeping however, Nan and Bill are again bickering like an old married couple about who’s FAULT it is that things went so very badly at the Tolerance Convention, which Bill had originally told Nan to call off. (Ugh! Why don’t these two just have sex already, and get it over with?)
Nan + Bill = Nill, A match made in Cockblock Heaven!
Feeling disempowered, by the man she made King, Nan strikes back by hilariously ordering the True Death for any vampire who has the audacity to disagree with her, which is, more or less, every silvered vampire in the room. Good ole, Nan! She gives out the True Death, the way Oprah gives out cars . . .
Of course, my favorite line of THIS scene goes to Baby Vamp Jessica, who said, “I don’t care, as long as I get to kill sh*t.”
My sentiments exactly, Jessica . . .
Jesus to the Rescue (Wow, that sounds kind of religious?)
So, Sookie and Jason confront Lala and Jesus about the whole, “The vampires and one annoyed TV Recapper want to blow up Tara” situation. Sookie’s and Jason’s rescue Tara plan? Storm the emporium before the vamps do, and take out Witchipoo. But you know Jesus, and how he loves his Witchipoo. He’s not down with that idea. “Marnie is an innocent. Let me separate her and Antonia, and we can send Antonia back where she came from.”
Well, isn’t that a peace-loving solution to this problem? Sookie, Jason, Lala, and a TV Recapper look skeptical. But they decide to let Jesus do his witch exorcism thing, just like he did with Lala and crazy-eyes lady, last week.
When Team Sookie arrives at the Moongoddess Emporium, they are shocked to find that it is being guarded by a cheesy forcefield out of some 70’s Star Trek film. I mean, really, Witchipoo, this is 2011! Get with the program! Jason gallantly offers to go and battle the forcefield himself. After all, he can do hand-stand pushups! And he used to play football! So, this is . . . well . . . NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT!
You got me! I pretty much just wrote that joke, so that I could include this GIF in my recap again. Are you mad?
However, fortunately for Jason, Team Sookie nixes his “run straight into the forcefield swinging and hope for the best” plan in favor of the original sending Big Bad Jesus One. Witchipoo, being the generous soul she is, decides to go outside, and meet Jesus half way. But she isn’t just going to let him walk into the Moongoddess Emporium without proving his loyalty first. After all, he’s been noticeably absent during the past few Team Witchipoo Outings. And Little Miss All Vampires Must Die doesn’t exactly take kindly to instances of poor attendance.
Sorry, I’m late to your seance, Marnie! My goatlicker grandpa ate my homework . . .
So, Witchipoo demands that Jesus prove his loyalty by moving across the forcefield, himself . . .
I mean, that’s basically a suicide mission, isn’t it?
Well, it would be, except that Jesus just happens to be a SUPER LATINO!
Umm . . . yeah . . . so, I really have no clue what the f*&k that ugly ass mask has to do with being Spanish . . . so I’m just going to take Lala’s word for it.
That’s right, boys and girls. In times of stress, Jesus apparently sprouts an ugly demon head and can somehow use it to walk past cheesy force fields from 1970’s Star Wars films. Who knew?
This guy DID!
So, Jesus is let back into the Witchipoo fold. And it is there that he gets to talk to “Marnie,” and learn what us viewers have no already known for 20-minutes. That sweet docile “Marnie” is just as batsh*t crazy and evil as Antonia, if not more so. And SHE’S the one running the show NOW!
“Is this another dream sequence? Is Baby Vamp Jessica going to walk out naked and start pulling down my pants? Man, I hope so!”
Jesus sends the message telepathically to Sookie. Now, it looks like Team Sookie is back to Plan B. Run in and kill the b*tch. And they may get some help doing just that. Newly enraged witches, Holly and Tara band together and manage to put out a spell that temporarily breaks the forcefield. Quickly, they run out to Team Sookie. Team Sookie runs out to them, and . . .
Everyone disappears into thin air . . . literally . . . except for Hot Jason, who . . . you know . . . is left all alone with his hotness . . . I guess.
This Episode of True Blood is Brought to You By . . . Leather Pants . . .
If by chance you weren’t able to see the last scene of the episode, due to Hurricane Irene, or your DVR cutting off, or you getting zapped away into oblivion by some cheesy forcefield from a 70’s movie, worry not. Because I can assure you that you’ve seen it already, at least once in your life, assuming that you have seen one of the following movies: The Matrix, Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, any action movie ever, any gangster movie ever, any sports movie featuring a ragtag group of misfits who defy unthinkable odds to win the Big Game.
That’s right! We’ve got Bill, Eric, Jessica, Nan, and Pam, putting aside their differences to walk in slow motion, while wearing black leather everything, and carrying bazookas, hand grenades, and other “Bad Ass Weapons.” This is followed by a freeze frame shot, and a surprisingly decent cover of “Burning Down the House,” that I may actually add to my iPod, when this is through.
Oh yeah . . . they went there. My assumption is that the scene was a bit of playful self-mockery, and not meant to be taken too seriously. So, if YOU had a good laugh at it, like I did, it probably served its purpose, just as much as the 1-800 Dentist advertisement did. 😉
It also really made me want to buy a pair of leather pants . . . or at least it would have, if I had legs like Vampire Jessica, or an ass like Eric Northman. But since I have neither, I will stick with my comfy khakis. Thank you very much . . .
And, there you have it, another episode of True Blood, dead and gone, like Tommy Boy. (Too soon?)
Guess so . . .
Believe it or not, there are only TWO EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON!
I’m DEAD SERIOUS, ERIC! Just two!
Next week’s TB installment, promises some more Witchipoo shenanigans, a lot of stuff being blown up, and undoubtedly plenty of instances of Sookie screaming BEEEEEEEEL! You can check out the trailer for the episode here:
[As always, special thanks to SkarsgardFans.com, for the amazing screencaps you see here!]
Prayer Time, with Werewolf and Vampire . . .
I don’t know . . . when I wake up in the morning, all I see staring back at me is my friggin alarm clock.
A werewolf and a vampire are both seeking salvation. It sounds like the beginning of a joke, right? But that’s what happens when Alcide carries a bleeding-to-death Sookie back to her house, and King Cockblock steals his thunder, by scooping her out from under him, rushing her to the couch, and sticking his bloody hand in her mouth . . .
Remember the last time Sookie was on the couch . . . just sayin’
A little man-bickering occurs, when King Cockblock notes that he shouldn’t have ALLOWED Sookie to fight tonight, and Alcide seconds that emotion wholeheartedly. “Werewolf . . . shut the f*&k up!” King Cockblock replies, which isn’t a very kingly thing to say, if you ask me.
“Grrrrr . . . feel that trickle of water down your pants, BEEEEL? That’s me peeing on your leg.”
King Cockblock then instructs Alcide that Sookie is near death, and requires both of their prayers. To this, Alcide, hilariously responds: “We are a werewolf and a vampire. [If we pray], who’s going to listen?”
“I will! I will!”
It’s an interesting philosophical question, and one that sounds kind of odd coming from a werewolf. After all, unlike vampires — who always seem particularly prone to mopey behavior and self-loathing — I always assumed that werewolves just thought they were the Bee’s Knees . . . (whatever the heck that weird expression means) . . . and that everyone, the Lord included, would want to be just like them.
And what man wouldn’t want to look just like Alcide?
Anywhoo . . . Sookie awakens to the faces of two of the three men currently interested in f*&king her . . .
“What the hell, Alan Ball! You forgot one!”
Personal sidenote: When I was a baby, I’ve been told my first word was “Daddy.” So, every night, when I needed a diaper change, THAT’S who I would call. Except my dad never changed my diapers. Only my mom did. And it INFURIATED her how long I refused to learn the word “Mommy,” even though SHE was the one doing all the dirty work . . . literally.
I imagine this was how Alcide and King Cockblock felt, when they saved Sookie’s life, and all she kept doing was whining for the Viking Vamp. . .
After about the fifth time, in as many minutes, Sookie demands that her lovers find Eric for her, so that she could go back to having that Narnia sex she enjoys so much, Alcide gets fed up. He then carefully reminds her how many times hanging out with vampires has almost killed her, and tells her to wake up and smell the dead people! But Sookie is still all, “ERIC, ERIC, BRING ME MY ERIC.”
So, Alicide leaves. Bill stays though, and, as a result, he is rewarded with a “Thanks for the blood, Bud. Now, go find my Eric . . .
“But Soookkeeeehhh, I lovvvvvveeee youuuuuuu!”
Wow, talk about biting the hand that feeds you, Sookie! Speaking of Eric . . .
Worst Use of a Sex Toy EVER!
“Fellow coven members, this is my new pet Eric. Let’s see how well Eric follows commands. Eric . . . take off your clothes and start humping my leg.”
Ever since last week, when Witchiepoo converted Eric into her personal slave, I’ve been pondering the important question of what I would do, were I ever lucky enough to have a Sexy Viking Vamp-esque man servant, who is trained to do whatever I tell him. I came with a list of tasks I would have him perform, most of them X-rated . . . chief among them, “Shower Sex,” OBVIOUSLY!
Interestingly enough, you know what two things WEREN’T on that list:
(1) Wash your face; and
(2) Kill someone who’s already dead.
But, guess what? Those are THE ONLY TWO THINGS WITCHIEPOO WANTED ERIC TO DO!
Most of Witchiepoo’s fellow witches are appalled by her sheer lack of imagination. They don’t think using your Sex Toy to kill a King in a public place is such a good idea. Some of them even try to leave, but Witchiepoo magically locks the doors, so that they can’t. Poor little witches. Now, they are stuck in an old stinky magic shop with: (1) a wackadoo wench, who wouldn’t know a good time, if it bit her in the ass; (2) a VERY hungry vampire; (3) and, probably, only one bathroom. Talk about a nightmare!
Still, the fact that Tara is miserable, makes me happy. So, well played, Witchiepoo!
“Mommy’s a little busy right now, honey. Go play with your bunny . . . oops.”
SAM! Get your head out of that little girl’s CROTCH!
Sam’s still at Luna’s house, trying desperately to get into her pants for the first time, despite the fact that Tommy already did so, while wearing his face. But Luna isn’t really feeling up for sex. She’s more concerned about the fact that her ex-boyfriend is terrorizing her daughter, and wants to KILL her current boyfriend. Not about to let little, insignificant, things like that keep him from getting laid, Sam has the lametemporary kind of dumb brilliant idea to take Luna and her daughter camping with them. After all, he is the owner of “multiple tents.”
“Hey Big Spender! That’s a whole lotta . . . fabric”
Things are going pretty well for Sam on his little camping trip, with Luna and her kid just eating up Sam’s remarkable prowess for sleeping outside and peeing in the woods . . .
“Oh, you have much better aim than your little brother. I should have known that wasn’t you.”
But then things take a turn for the odd, when Luna’s little girl (her name’s Emma, by the way) gripes about wild bunny rabbits not letting her pet them, like the class pet bunny rabbits at school do. So, what does Sam do? He TURNS HIMSELF INTO A RABBIT, and let’s Emma pet him . . . like . . . A LOT.
“Daddy likes being pet . . .”
Now, if you don’t think too hard about it, this is a super sweet gesture. I mean, he made the kid happy, right? Sure . . . but he also sat on her lap, and let her rub him all over. Just sayin’ . . .
Things got even more inappropriate when Luna LEFT HER OWN DAUGHTER IN A TENT BY HERSELF to go screw Sam. Yeah, because THAT’S safe, with a sadistic ex-boyfriend on the loose!
Not to mention the countless number of creatures and things that go “bump” in the night . . . something Sam and Luna undoubtedly won’t be able to hear, since they are too busy “bumping” eachother. I mean, clearly, neither of these individuals has ever seen the Blair Witch Project . . .
Interestingly enough, while Sam and Luna are beating eachother off, Sam’s little brother Tommy is just plain getting beaten . . . (What else is new, right?)
Greasypoo versus Tommy/Sam . . . a match made in dog poopy
“How do you do, Greasypoo!”
The much-maligned Tommy Boy is busy writing Sam an apology/ goodbye letter on a check. (Well, golly gee! I guess really DID learn how to read!) Then suddenly, the door opens, and Greasypoo comes crashing into Merlotte’s looking for Sam. Greasypoo would very much like to invite Sam to an Ass Kicking. So, Tommy, who LOVES Ass Kickings, like nobody’s business, decides to go in Sam’s place. (How generous of him!)
It sure beats having to dress like THIS . . .
Also in attendance at the Ass Kicking is Alcide, who, following his rejection by Sookie, has decided to become Trailer Trash Debbie’s wolfy pet, 100%. And Trailer Trash Debbie wants Alcide to be involved with Greasypoo’s pack. So . . . involved, Alcide must be!
“I will expect on a big hunk of raw meat on my doorstep, as payment for this . . .”
When Tommy/Sam arrives at the rumble spot, Greasypoo threatens him to stop screwing Luna. Tommy/Sam cleverly remarks that “Sam” has neve even had sex with Luna (which, at this point in the story, was still true . . . for a few more minutes, anyway). Unfortunately, for Tommy, the moron can’t keep his mouth shut. And minutes later, he’s bragging about how HE (Tommy Merlotte) slipped Luna the hot skinwalker injection. As expected, Greasypoo and his friends start kicking Tommy/Sam’s ass, immediately thereafter, despite promising Alcide that they wouldn’t.
“Oops! My hand must have slipped . . . into your jaw . . . while clenched in a fist.”
It’s ALCIDE who breaks up the fight, long enough for Greasypoo to realize he’s been beating up the wrong guy.
Now, here’s my question: As a skinwalker, and a shapeshifter, can’t you shift into anyone or ANYTHING? Why then is it that Sam and Tommy only seem willing to shift into lame THINGS and lame PEOPLE, respectively? For example, we’ve seen Sam transform into a couple of pretty wimpy looking dogs, a fly, and a horny, possibly pedophillic, bunny. So, why not a Lion, a Tiger, or a Bear, oh my!
Likewise, Tommy, so far, has transformed into Sam and Maxine Fortenberry.
Admittedly, Maxine’s played some pretty bad ass Wii, during her Maenad possession days . . . So, that has to count for something.
But, if he knew he was going to be fighting Greasypoo on his brother’s behalf, why not transform into The Rock, or Vin Diesel, or at least, a WWF wrestler? Heck, if I had to fight someone, I’d shift into that kid Emma, before I shifted into Sam! At least SHE’S scrappy!
“I would shift into Cat Barbie! Because Cat Barbie KICKS ASS!”
“Give me back my EVIL BABY, DAMMIT!”
Hoyt is having a BAD DAY! He’s woken up with a MAD HANGOVER! His house stinks of booze, body odor, and bad memories, of his recent breakup with Vampire Jess. He throws her Twilight Book (haha!), Good Housekeeping Magazines, and various other pop culture paraphernalia, into a box labeled, “For you, Monster.” And then a Possessed Lala, carrying an Evil Baby, waves a gun at his head, and tells him to get out of the house. So, Hoyt listens . . . except . . . HE’S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!
I said, NO PANTS, Hoyt! Not NO SHIRT! Get with the program!
Jason gets the frantic call from a frustrated Hoyt, while he’s still questioning Terry and Arlene about their recently missing child. The crew all decide to head to Hoyt’s house, to see if they can get Evil Baby back. Andy benevolently offers to get Hoyt some pants, but forgets after slurping up some yummy V juice.
Funniest Addict Face EVER!
Back at Hoyt’s, Possessed Lala is still waving his gun at everybody who comes near him, and singing to Evil Baby. He also won’t let any white people into the house. This, of course, is highly inconvenient, considering that Tara and Lala may very well be the only African Americans in Bon Temps, unless you count the woman currently inhabiting Lala’s body, of course.
“It’s called affirmative action, b*&tches! I’m just trying to prove a point!”
Finally, after what seems like a pretty extended standoff, between Possessed Lala, and . . . well, everyone . . . Jesus arrives.
Just kidding! It’s NURSE JESUS!
“Remember me? I spent two episodes hanging out with Grandpa Goatlicker. But I am back to save the day. YAY!”
Jason, being Jason, wants to know if this is all some weird Sex Roleplay Thing he and Lala do together. Jesus is not amused. (But only because he doesn’t realize how much fun roleplaying could be during sex.)
“Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it, Buddy!”
As soon as he enters the house, and sees his boyfriend prancing around like a crazy lady, Jesus immediately figures out what’s going on with Lala. Apparently, Lala has been possessed by Crazy Eye Lady Mavis, because Mavis’ baby was taken from her, and killed in Hoyt’s house. When Mavis tried to see the baby, the father panicked and killed MAVIS too! The bastard then buried both bodies in front of Hoyt’s house, never too be found again . . . until now.
“I brought back Crazy Lady’s spirit with this doll! It’s like Child’s Play, only with southern accents, and less butchering.”
What finally clues Mavis in to the fact that this ISN’T her baby, or her body, is that, unlike Mavis, Lala has a weiner.
“AHHHH! How could I make a baby with this?” Mavis inquires hilariously. (Well, Mavis, I hate to break this to you, but weiners are kind of required machinery in the baby-making process.)
Jesus, then instructs Hoyt and Terry to dig up Mavis’s decayed dead nasty baby, which she holds, as if it isn’t decayed, dead and nasty . . . you know, because SHE’S TOTALLY EFFIN NUTS Then Jesus does some MORE magic, to send that b*tch back from whence she came.
Hasta la Vista . . . you wackadoodle Ghost Mom, you!
In an oddly touching scene, Mavis thanks Lala, and heads up to Heaven, holding and singing to her no longer corpse-looking child. Poor Heaven! Now, they are going to have to listen to Mavis sing that AWFUL song, for all eternity. Sounds more like Hell to me . . .
Speaking of Heaven and Hell . . .
Remember that time when Sookie dreamed she was on The Vampire Diaries?
“Bite me, Damon and Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Eric and Bill.”
Sookie’s napping on the couch (because, like I said, she never, ever works at Merlotte’s anymore), when she awakens clad in a red lace number that would make Vampire Katherine Pierce proud.
Her hair is also perfect and flowy, like the women on the cover of those romance novels. Piping through the house is this weird music, that’s kind of a cross between the old Sex and the City theme song, instrumental music from old crime movies, and the type of tunes you’d hear in the background of commercials for feminine hygiene products . . .
Music to my ears . . . if I had any . . .
But WAIT . . . someone is at the door . . .
Hallelujah! It’s non-amnesia Eric, with his sexy non-amnesia Eric hair, that cocky non-amnesia Eric look in his eye, and those tight fitting non-amnesia Eric clothes. Him and Sookie start going at it on the couch, like only Sookie and NON-Amnesia Eric could (no Narnia Sex here!), when it turns out that Vampire Bill is watching the whole thing, like the creepy King Cockblock / vampire voyeur he totally is!
Oh, that’s right! Now, I remember! Sookie has BOTH Vampire Eric, and King Cockblock’s blood in her system, and both are dueling for control of her sex dream!
Forget SOOKIE! These two should really considering f*&king one another!
Sookie sits these two naughty boys on the couch, and gives them the business. She doesn’t want to belong to Eric OR Bill. She wants them both to belong to her. “Why choose one vampire over the other CHOOSE ERIC! CHOOSE ERIC! CHOOSE ERIC . . . (and maybe Alcide too!) when you can choose both, and experience, double the pleasure and double the fun?” Sookie wonders.
And because this is HER dream, her boyfriends obey her every command, without putting up much of a fight . . .
See, Witchiepoo? Now, SOOKIE is a woman who KNOWS how to use her man servants! I suggest you take notes . . .
SOMEONE’S Going to Be Sore in the Morning . . .
Back at home, Nan is bawling her eyes out over being kicked out by Hoyt and rejected by Jason. She’s also coincidentally reminding Nan Flanagan, why she never decided to become a maker.
“Could someone please turn off this Hallmark movie? I’d very much like to return to my plans for world domination.”
Meanwhile, Hoyt has just got his house back from Possessed Lala, and commands that his bestie, Jason, bring the “Monster Box” back to the “Monster.” Jason balks at the idea of seeing Jess again, given all his . . . urges, and tells Hoyt that it isn’t his place to do that. But Hoyt replies, as his friend, it is exactly his place.
So Jason, winds up on Jess’ doorstep, looking fiinnnnnne in his leather jacket outfit, and looking strooooooong carrying the box on which he crossed out the words, “Here you go, Monster,” in an effort to spare Jess’ feelings . . .
Fortunately, there’s a solution to this problem . . . one that involves super raunchy sex in the back of a pickup truck with the Taylor Swift song “Haunted” inappropriately playing in the background . . .
Speaking of post-coital . . .
Sookie and Trailer Trash Debbie . . . GO TEAM . . . HUH?
Sookie has awakened from her Dream Threesome, and is now wearing a sweatshirt I’m pretty sure I had in third grade . . .
“Hi, is this the Fashion Police? I’d like to report myself for a gross violation of age-appropriate clothing.”
Trailer Trash Debbie is at the door. And considering we last saw her, glaring at Alcide with wolfy eyes, and picking up V in a back alley, We are all thinking THIS CANNOT BE GOOD!
“Hiya, pal! I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar, and rip your face off with my teeth . . .”
Sookie seems pretty skeptical of Trailer Trash’s motives too. However, when she reads her mind, Sookie comes to the conclusion that Trailer Trash’s motives are pure. So, Sookie decides to let Debbie help her to find Eric . . .
To be honest, I don’t really buy this change in heart. Could the “V” that Debbie took prior to arriving at Sookie’s somehow block her true thoughts from the fairy telepath? Is she just going with a “keep your friends close, and enemies closer” philosophy? Does she figure that if Sookie gets Eric back, she will finally leave Alcide alone? Or is there a darker plan lurking beneath the surface? I guess only time will tell.
We’ve still got our eye on you, Glow Eyes!
But for now, Trailer Trash Debbie is functioning as Sookie’s sidekick. She distracted Witchipoo at the coven, so that Sookie could see Eric, and learn what plans Witchipoo had in store for him. When Sookie’s presence was exposed, however, it was oddly enough, Annoying Ass Tara, who helped Sookie get away. She did this, by cleverly holding a gun to her head, and instructing her best friend to “jump her,” so that the escape looked like an “accident” on Tara’s part.
We still don’t like you, Tara . . . Sorry!
Trailer Trash then drives Sookie to the Tolerance meeting, where all the poop is REALLY about to hit the fan . . .
So much for Vampire Tolerance . . .
Despite Bill’s pleas that the event be called off, the Vampire Tolerance convention (which only features two actual vampires) goes off without a hitch . . .
Oh, look, Nan stole Vampire Pam’s outfit! No wonder she wasn’t in this episode. She had nothing to wear!
. . . that is . . . until Witchipoo arrives with Zombie Eric, and puts all the vampire sheriffs under her spell, so that the whole group of them are running around in public killing everyone that’s not, you know, DEAD already.
“Hi! Welcome to Witchipoo’s Slave Club! My name is Zombie Eric, and I will be your King Cockblock killer, today!”
In the final seconds of the episode, Sookie dashes into the pavillion and warns Bill to run, just as Eric jumps at him with one word in his hazy, mostly, blank, amnesia-addled mind . . . MURDER . . .
And once again, Alan Ball has attempted to make us nervous by “threatening the life” of a character we know all to well WILL NOT GET KILLED. What do you think, we were born yesterday? LAME! Can you say, CLIFFHANGER?
Be sure to tune in next week, when Eric almost definitely WON’T succeed in doing this . . .
. . . Terry and V-addicted Andy will engage in the battle of the century, and, POSSIBLY, there will be a HUGE confrontation between former (?) besties, Jason and Hoyt, over the Pick-Up Truck F*&k heard round the world . . .
You know what I like best about Shower Sex? IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!
Sigh! Oh, True Blood! How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex! How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was . . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .
(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)
Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly
“Oh Jason! You’ve saved my life! Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”
When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .
This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!
“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now . . . “
Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out. While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him . . .
Hey! She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!
But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH! Weirdest Sex Dream EVER almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”
She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment). Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!
“I love you . . . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”
And she’s so overcome with passion for him, not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . . After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.
“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath. I’m so ashamed!”
But Jessica needn’t be upset. After all, this is Jason we are talking about! Former manwhore Jason. And he loooooooooooooves Jessica. In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . . .a REAL ONE, this time! There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!
Things are getting REALLY GOOD! So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up. “SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines . . . like a b*tch.
“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE! Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”
Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole. And it’s pretty darn adorable though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable. Don’t you think?. Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her. He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo. Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!
Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain. “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.
Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . . (Awww, Jason! No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood. You should know that by now!)
The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed. So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt. He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.
Don’t worry, Jess! Bucky’s not dead. He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.
Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem. I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”
Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal. They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver . . . oh well!
The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.” She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .
OH MY GOD! You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!
Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life. And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW! Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”
Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed. And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream. DARN! PHEW! What a relief!
But then nighttime comes AGAIN. And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt. And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.
“I KNOW you killed me in your dream! You . . . DREAM MURDERER!”
In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him. In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN. He hits Jessica in all her sore spots: her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.
“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!”
Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy. He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason. And it is . . . partly.
But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity. And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt. This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood. I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.” Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.
“Maybe God really does hate fangers. And so do I!” Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.
It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .
But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming! Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal. And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code. So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.
“Time out! Cut to commercial break!”
It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do. (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife? Good times!) Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive. In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .
That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too. I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?
Man, he looks good in that tight tank top! Just so you know, Jason. I’m NOT dating Hoyt. So, you can totally have sex with me.
Source That’s right, Jess. And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene. Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?
After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.
But don’t worry Team Jassica fans! I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over! Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE! WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing. It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.”
Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be. It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding. In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .
So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever! When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .
“I do hope you washed that first! I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.”
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!
Rub-a-dub-Dub! It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!
Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .
Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber!
After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations . . .
“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?”
Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed. And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .
Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother? Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!
While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.
But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo. After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and . . .
WAIT! NO! You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all! Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes! Have more Narnia Sex! Anything but THIS! In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp! See? This is what happens when you avoid the shower!