Tag Archives: Mama Lockwood

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .


 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .


 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?


Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)



Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .


But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .


The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .


Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .


At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!


Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.


One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .


Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”


Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!



Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 


Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!


(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .


It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!


“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.


Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .


Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .

“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?


And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .

 . . . or THIS ONE . .

 . . . or THIS ONE (if you cropped your MOM out of it) . . .

Just trying to help . . .

Anyway, we are treated to some DRAMATICALLY HEARTBREAKING MUSIC as a tearful Allison RUSHES FROM THE CLASSROOM, in anguish, over the traumatizing sexts her werewolf ex-boyfriend sent her . . .

“I thought you’d at least have the decency to send me a picture of your weiner!  Don’t you care about me AT ALL?”

She wonders whether Scott was trying to “hurt her” by sending her those “painful memories.”  She’s going to need “some time,” before she can “work back to being Scott’s friend.”  (Uh, Sweetie Pie, I hate to break this to you.  But you were NEVER Scott’s friend.  You came . .  .  you saw . . . you screwed.  So, don’t be expecting that you two will be painting one another’s toenails at a slumber party, any time soon.  Mmmm ‘kay?)

“I Bet She’s a Screamer”

She sure looks like a screamer, in THIS picture! 

So, here are Scott and Stiles just minding their business a lunch . . . (Stiles is gorging on the fried finger food, as per usual . . .)

Now, clearly, this is a guy who never met something he didn’t want to shove in his mouth.  I can work with that . . .

All of the sudden, Jackson is eye-f*&king the pair hardcore, from across the lunchroom.  He’s also seductively eating his apple, and describing, in VERY graphic detail, all the sexual things he’s going to do to Allison, if Scott doesn’t help him become a wolf.  Though he’s halfway across the room, Scott can hear him speaking, as if he is whispering sweet nothings in his ear.  Jackson’s clearly done his research, and knows this.  And yet, since Scott’s supersonic hearing ability seems to be a tad on the selective side, I can’t help but wonder whether Jackson’s “wolfy connection” to Scott is what actually enables him to accomplish this feat.

But more on THAT later . . .

I have to admit, that as much as Jackson SUCKS SERIOUS ASS, I thought this scene was pretty hot.  The camera man focused on Jackson’s Angelina Jolie lips the entire time he was describing the way his hands were going to fondle Allison.  It was as erotic, as it was disturbing, and, I suspect, intentionally so  . . .

Scott tried to get his mind off things, by having the usually verbose Stiles distract him.  But alas, Stiles was a tad too distracted by his tater tots and the massive size of Jackson’s lips to be much help . . .

“Seriously?  Do you think he injects collagen in those things?”

Jackson’s goading of Scott affects the Teen Wolf so intensely, that he very nearly wolfs out right there in the cafeteria.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he manages to break his lunch tray, with his bare hands . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot Scott and Stiles decide that Scott should STEAL Allison’s necklace, since there is no chance in hell that she will give it to him, now . . .

Sink or Swim . . .

“So, all that stuff they say about shrinkage . . . is that true?” 

Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of wacked out school these guys go to, that they can randomly take a dip in the pool by themselves in the middle of the day, while a bunch of other students look on, boredly.  Nevertheless, here are Jackson and Allison swimming slower than my grandma “racing” eachother across the Olympic-size swimming pool, while Scott looks on enviously, and digs through Allison’s bag for the ever-elusive Ugly Ass Necklace.

I mean, seriously Jackson, I genuinely thought you had game, with all that great 1-900 Sex Talk you were giving Scott earlier.  But, here you are racing a woman in the pool, and — of all strokes — you choose the BREASTSTROKE, a.k.a. the least manly looking swim stroke of ALL TIME?  What gives, Dude?


Yeah . . . go ahead . . . eat your apple.  It’s not going to change how I feel . . . that much.

That being said, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Jackson doesn’t really give two craps about Allison.  This whole goopy lovesick puppy act is all for Scott’s benefit, which is . . . interesting.

Speaking of girls Jackson isn’t really interested in, he dumps Lydia . . . by TEXT MESSAGE.

The Poor Girl is so far inside Scott’s jockstrap clueless about the nature of attraction that she hasn’t noticed that the writing has been on the wall for the end of this relationship, since the Pilot episode.  In fact, when she receives Jackson’s “Please drop off my housekey at your earliest convenience, as we are no longer dating.”  (Beautifully written . . . Jackson’s English teacher would be so proud.) text message, she automatically assumes its a joke, despite the fact that Jackson failed to include a “HaHa” at the end.  (Personally, I’ve always been more of an “LOL” girl myself.  I also use “JK”  under special circumstances).

Jackson callously tells a stunned Lydia that he is making some “changes” in his life.  Apparently, this includes dropping some “dead weight.”  And Jackson feels she is “the deadest.”

Now, whatever your feelings are about Lydia, you have to admit, that was pretty darn harsh.  (And you have to wonder whether the reference to Lydia as “dead” was meant to function as foreshadowing of some sort.)

ALSO . . . umm Jackson . . . how exactly is being a werewolf going to improve your dating life?  Are you expecting to start dating only poodles, now?

Don’t you worry, Red . . . you’ll get back on that horse again . . .


And now for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE part of this episode . . .

Derek Hale – Fashionplate Extraordinaire


We all know how much Derek Hale likes to sneak up on people.  However, so far in the series “people” has been relegated to just “Scott.”  So,  you could imagine my pleasant surprise when Derek pays a surprise visit to my OTHER favorite character on this show . . .

“Uh oh!  Derek’s here.  I guess I should minimize my porn now . . .” 

Stiles screams out Derek’s name, rather loudly from the bedroom.  And Derek, who’s supersonic wolf hearing has informed him that Papa Stiles is outside the door, figures that Papa might have some question about THAT . . . So, Derek puts his foot down, and forces Stiles to confront his Proud Papa . . .

Awkwardness ensues in the hallway, as the manly Papa Stiles attempts to express how proud he is of his son for making the First Line in the school lacrosse game, based on a schoolwide outbreak of monkeypox, or something.   Between these two non-emotional men, I think the word “proud” is thrown out about 10 times, before the seemingly interminable conversation ends with a SURPRISINGLY INTENSE HUG . . .

I’m kind of loving Stiles’ dad, right now.  If anything happens to him on this show, HEADS WILL ROLL!

Then Stiles returns to where he belongs . . . up against Derek Hale’s manly chest.  I think I smell a TVD-inspired Wall Slam, coming on . . .

Is it just me, or is Derek’s hair looking particularly POOFY, today?

Though Derek clearly tries to manhandle and intimidate Stiles, our scrappy little hero is clearly able to hold his own.  After all, HE’S holding all the cards.  “Hey Dad, Derek Hale is in my room.  Bring guns!”  Stiles threatens.  “As long as I am harboring your fugitive ass, it’s my house, my rules.”


At least, we have no solved the mystery of where Derek has been hiding out all this time . . .

As it turns out, while Scott is stealing the Ugly Ass Necklace, Stiles has a little project of his own to solve.  He wants to trace the faux-Scott text message to Allison from “The School Night” episode to its source.  And he knows just the guy to do it.  Apparently, our good pal, Danny, was quite the little hacker at age 13, and has a criminal record for overriding cell phone security.  (I’m liking him, already!)

Unfortunately, Danny still believes that he only came to Stiles’ house for sex to study, and he is not interested in Stiles’ illegal hacking assignment.  And so, Stiles must resort to more creative methods of persuasion to get Danny to comply with his wishes.  Fortunately, “cousin Miguel” is around to help . . .


So, apparently, Derek Hale’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit is lacking in the fundamentals, like say, indoor plumbing and running water.  This would explain why Derek is forced to wear a bloody shirt around Stiles’ house.  Danny, of course, notices right away, which gives Stiles an idea . . .

He starts insisting that Derek put on one of HIS (Stiles’ shirts) knowing full well, that none of them will fit.  The result is an AMAZINGLY HOT, and hilarious fashion show, during which an adorably grouchy Derek (or should I say “Miguel”), alternates between blessed shirtlessness, and uber tight-shirted bliss .  . .  And YES I have “visual aids for you to enjoy . . .



(Honestly, I can’t imagine Stiles actually wearing this shirt.  Can you?)


You’re welcome, DANNY (and Stiles)!

Then Stiles makes a comment like, “I know you play for a different team, but you still play ball, don’t you, Danny Boy?”

WOAH!  Did Stiles just offer up Derek for SEX?  I could have sworn that’s what that line intimated.  Because, suddenly, Danny is (approvingly) telling Stiles what a horrible person he is.  (Hey, it could have been worse, Danny.  He could have asked you, if you thought he was attractive for the 85,000th time.)  Horrible person or not, Danny is suddenly VERRRRY EAGER to help Derek find a pair of too tight underwear to match that too tight shirt Stiles with his little phone project.  Seemingly, within seconds the call is traced . . . to Scott’s Mom’s computer at the hospital?

Apparently, Jackson’s not the only guy who’s been able to pull Mommy McCall away from her “work.”  SLUT! 


The Argents are CRAAAAZY . . . Nuff Said . . .

We are then treated to a rather nauseating (in my opinion, anyway) scene in which Scott once again sneaks into Allison’s room (Girlfriend, shouldn’t really consider investing in a lock for that window.  Don’t you think?) to steal the Ugly Ass Necklace.  Before he can find it, however, he finds an old receipt Allison kept from the pair’s first bowling date.  Cue the Slit-Your-Wrist Emo Music!

Almost TWENTY BUCKS?  Kind of a ripoff, don’t you think?

“Wahhh!  Allison has such neat handwriting.  Why can’t I have handwriting like that?”

Fortunately, we aren’t subjected to this goopy maudlin “young love is hard” crap for long, because, eventually Scott finds the Ugly Ass Necklace, right next to an old book on werewolves Allison has apparently been researching.  Or, perhaps, should I say, “Loup Garous?”

So, of course, the minute Scott sneaks out of Allison’s bedroom, he HAS to run into Papa Argent, right on her lawn, right?

“We REALLY have to stop meeting like this, PSYCHO STALKER!” 

Why does it seem like nobody EVER wants to hang out with the adult Argents unless they are cornering them, and practically dragging them kicking and screaming into their “Friendship Circle.”  Once in the house, Papa A once again starts plying Scott with alcohol (which would actually be cool, since wolf Scott is incapable of getting drunk, and could, therefore drink Papa A under the table).  He apologizes to Scott for being aggressive with him, and expresses sympathy over the Salison breakup.

Papa’s candor with the teen he BARELY knows is a cross between genuine concern, and disturbing creepiness.  Throughout the entire uncomfortable conversation, I just keep waiting for the guy to tie Scott up, rip off his clothing and lock him in the basement, next to all the guns . . .

Papa interrogates Scott about how well he knows supposed Big Bad Serial Killer Derek and blah, blah, blah.  We’ll back to them later.  For now, let’s go visit MORON Allison.  Our favorite A+ student has, apparently decided that, even though there are wild animals and serial killers on the loose, it’s a perfectly fabulous idea to go out running alone in the “picturesque” woods where the Blair Witch Project was probably filmed.

“Hi, my name is Allison Argent.  Do you like the sign on my back?  It says :”Please murder me, and bury my body under a nice tall tree.”

 As if that wasn’t bad enough, Little Miss Death wish then decides to go wandering around the suspected murderers burnt up house, so that she can explore all the suspicious -looking claw marks on the floor. (Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY how The Blair Witch Project ended.)  Auntie Kate the crazy cougar sex pot / obvious arsonist /  Hale fale murderer follows her niece there, supposedly to “keep her safe” or whatever.

 When Allison wonders out loud what would make a hot dude like Derek become a psychotic killer, Katiepoo gets quite a bit defensive, arguing that “You don’t have to be psychotic to be a murderer . . . you just have to have  a ‘reason’, but even then, sometimes, you can surprise yourself.”  (In other words, “Yes, I burned down this house, and killed all the Hales in it, because I was raised to hate werewolves, but also because I secretly get turned on by watching things DIE!”)

“My precious!” 

As Auntie Kate tells her tale of how some serial killers are really just nice people, who are misunderstood, she fondles the wall of Derek’s house, like she wants to hump it.   (Sidenote / Speculation: The writers seem to have made it SO obvious that Kate was the one responsible for the Hale fire, that I can’t help but wonder whether this is a MAJOR red herring, and that someone else, like Allison’s MOM for example, is actually the one who lit the final match.  Just wondering. . .  )

Then Allison gets all weepy for the 225,000th time this episode, and whines to Kate about how weak she feels because she doesn’t know how to battle a serial killer.  Katiepoo promises that if Allison is patient she will make her drink the Kool Aid and become a bat-sh*t crazy Werewolf Hunter, just like everyone else in her family give her everything she is seeking . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s “nice” that Allison has decided that she wants to learn how to defend herself.  However, there was something about the sneakly little smirk Auntie Kate gave the camera at the end of this scene that just didn’t sit well with me. It seems pretty obvious that Katiepoo has some very SELFISH reasons for wanting Allison to be trained in the art of werewolf hunting . . .

Speaking of whiny, whiners, who like to whine . . .

Scott is conveniently boo hooing to Papa Argent about how EVERYTHING he has done, since he met Allison, has been to keep her safe except for, you know, those times he tried to kill her . . .  and the time he made out with Lydia . . . and the time he left her for dead, while he did the horizontal  mambo with the Alpha, when Allison appears in the doorway, and (SURPRISE!) hears exactly the right part of the conversation.  Well, played, Scotty Boy!

Revelations of ALPHA importance!

I’m not exactly sure how he figured it out, but somehow Stiles’ Super Cool Daddio connected Professor Emo to the Hale fire.  When Papa confronts him with this information, Professor Emo explains how some Hot Chick (Kate) found him in the bar, and plied him with liquor and promises of sex, until he told her how to make the scientific concoctions necessary to burn down a home, and hide dead bodies.  Apparently, this conversation occurred just a few weeks before the Hale house burned down.  (The important question, of course, is: Did Kate and Professor Emo bump uglies?)

“Come on, Officer!  Cut me some slack.   Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get laid, when you look like the serial killer from a Lifetime movie?”

In hindsight, it’s kind of unfortunate that our main characters weren’t made privy to this conversation, as it actually fills in a lot of previously mined plot holes.  And because this recap is getting longer than I wanted it to be, I will just go ahead and list them here:

(1) We now know why, at the beginning of the episode, the Alpha blamed Professor Emo for what happened to him in the Hale family fire.

(2) We now know that Laura Hale came to Emo MAN prior to her death, because she somehow figured out that someone with Professor Emo’s last name (“Harris” not “Emo”) was the one who gave the arsonist the “tools” to set the fire.  And she figured that HE would be able to lead her to her family’s murderer.

(3) We know that the Arsonist (probably Kate, but maybe Allison’s mom) was an Argent, since she was wearing the infamous Ugly Ass Necklace that Allison now owns . . .

And now for the REAL juicy stuff . . . upon getting the news that the Alpha is probably hiding out at Beacon Hills Hospital, where Scott’s mom works, Stiles and his new boyfriend “Miguel” erp . . . I mean Derek drive over there to investigate.  Unfortunately, Stiles is currently missing what will, most likely, be his ONLY chance to play first lacrosse, which makes me sad, both for him and his dad.

But you know what’s NOT sad .  . . what’s in fact, HILARIOUSLY funny?  THIS . . .


Yeah . . . apparently Derek wasn’t too cool on Stiles pimping him out to Danny, in exchange for some cell phone information.  Fortunately, Stiles seems to have a very bouncy skull, and will probably be just fine.  (He’ll have a killer headache, tomorrow though!)

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why Derek made Stiles go into the hospital BY HIMSELF, knowing that there was a pretty good possibility that the Alpha was in there . . .

Like a lamb heading to slaughter . . . 

In fact, all it takes is for Stiles to report to Derek via telephone that Derek’s “invalid” uncle is no longer in his room, despite his having supposedly not left his CHAIR for ten years, for Derek to figure out EXACTLY who the Alpha is . . . And in about three seconds we will know too . . .

You know, I gotta say, as far as having a “good cover” for being a serial killer, pretending to be a vegetable for ten years, is about as ambitious as they come!  Color me impressed!  But Uncle Alpha didn’t get where he is today, by being a lone wolf, he had at least one accomplice . . .

As of now, I’m not quite sure what the nurse has to do with all this.  Currently, my guess is she was either boning the Alpha, or she’s part of his pack.  Perhaps, both.  But to be honest, I’m more worried about Stiles right now . . . and he’s, rightfully, more worried about himself than he is about solving the Mystery of the Alpha for his Scooby Gang pals.


But worry not, Stiles!  Because Derek Hale is here to rescue YOU!


Now, that’s HOT! 

Unfortunately, for Derek,  he’s really no match for the Alpha, as we learned that time when said Alpha GUTTED LIKE A FISH!

Ahh!  Memories! 

So, eventually Derek is temporarily incapacitated, and we come to that annoying, but necessary, part of every story, where the villain monologues for his prospective victims, and tells them all his secrets . . .

The Alpha’s first secret?  He FAKED HIS UGLY FACE (either that or he has the coolest Plastic Surgery Mirror EVER)!

Here’s another interesting Alpha tidbit.  Remember when Derek visited his fake invalid uncle in the hospital, and asked him if anyone else got out of the fire alive that could potentially be the Alpha?  Remember how Fake Invalid Uncle raised his finger?  Well, apparently, he was POINTING AT HIMSELF!

That Alpha . . . what a FUNNY GUY!

But, for me, the most interesting tidbit was THIS . . . Uncle Alpha BECAME an Alpha by killing the original Alpha, also known as . . . wait for it . . . Laura Hale.

My Alpha . . . how you’ve changed! 

And it was the act of becoming an Alpha that healed his wounds (and also made him nuts).  Why this is pertinent, of course, is that it pretty much debunks Derek’s theory that Scott could cure his own werewolfism by killing the Alpha.  In fact, if Scott kills Uncle Fake Invalid, he will become an EVEN BIGGER ASSHAT WOLF than he is now.  But . . . and here’s the kicker . . . so will DEREK, if HE kills his uncle . . .  which he may very well do in the upcoming episode . . .

My sentiments exactly  . . .

On a lighter note, Derek was also wrong about something else . . . he and Scott ARE definitely part of the same pack.  (All together now . . . AWWW!)

Speaking of pack members, we actually learned some important things on the boring lacrosse field too . . .  Wanna hear them?

Well too bad, because here they come . . .

(1) Contrary to popular belief, there IS, in fact, a “ME” in “Team” . . .

 (2) The Argents are werewolf hunters, because their last name means “silver.”  (Well, actually, we sort of knew that already, but . . . whatever JACKSON!

(3) Auntie Kate is a closet pedophile who wants to lick teenage boys.  She thinks Jackson is hot, and really wants to hit that.  She also thinks he might be the second beta wolf because . . . wait for it . . . a DEEP WEREWOLF SCRATCH is enough to turn a human into a werewolf.

“BUT WAIT . . .” You say.  I thought only an ALPHA could turn a human into a werewolf.  Derek is just a beta.  TRUE.  BUT . . . what if . . . a human was scratched by a Beta . . .

 . . .and that same scratch was TRACED by an Alpha . . .

Uh Oh, Jackson!  Be careful what you wish for . . . because you just might get it.

See you next week, Werebangers!

P.S. Special thanks go out, once again, to my FABULOUS, UBER TALENTED, EXPERT SCREENCAPPER, Andre, for all the beautiful caps you see here (particularly the shirtless ones, because those deserve EXTRA thanks). 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


Filed under Teen Wolf

No More Mister Nice Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Panic Attack”

This is not your mother’s Teen Wolf . . .

It doesn’t play nice.  It isn’t a fan of Happy Endings.  And it won’t offer it’s girlfriend a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the first date, just because she isn’t “that kind of girl” . . .

Nope.  This is the kind of Teen Wolf  that shoots teddy bears in the heart with semi-automatic weapons  . . . who will steal the girl of your dreams, right out from under your nose.  This is the Teen Wolf who fights dirty . . . who’s mom will cut you in half, over a plate of cookies . . . who will throw you into the fire, because you tried to steal his bottle Jack Daniels . . .

Oh, Scott!  I remember when our biggest complaint about you was that you were kind of whiny, and your love scenes with Allison were boring / made  us a little nauseous.  Those were the Good Old Days . . .

Though “Panic Attack” wasn’t necessarily this show’s scariest episode (That award would probably go to the episode where all that crap came out of Jackson’s mouth, and poor Derek was gutted like a fish), and certainly wasn’t its goriest (HELLO!  The episode(s) where they showed Derek’s HALF-sister! EWWW!), I’d like to go on the record, and say it was definitely the show’s darkest installment.

So, hide your teddy bears, kiddies — because our hero is about to get the Worst Case of Wolf PMS . . .  EVER!

(Special thanks go out again to my Super Talented Werewolf Expert, and Screencap-Creating Pal, Andre, for most of the still images you see here.)

Dr. Jack Will Make You DIE, TONIGHT!

Interestingly enough, this entire opening scene could have doubled as One Long Ass Jack Daniels commercial . . . well, except for the DOUBLE HOMICIDE PART . . .

Last night, on True Blood, fans of the show were treated to the fabulousness that is Drunk Eric Northman.  This week on Teen Wolf, MTV continued the “Inebriation is AWESOME” trend, by rewarding us with an adorably Drunk Stiles.

I love that Stiles has chosen to don a “Drinking T-Shirt” for this momentous occasion.  Extra points for you, if you can tell me what his shirt says . . .

Here’s a closer look . . . I’ve seriously been driving myself nuts trying to figure this out.

Two nights have passed since our Scooby Gang had their little run-in with the Alpha.  This means it has also been two nights, since Allison kicked Scott to the curb for . . . ummm . . . lying and stuff.  If we’ve learned anything about Scott, in these past few episodes, we’ve learned that he‘s insanely self absorbed has a tendency to get a bit mopey, when things don’t go his way.  So, you just KNOW that Poor Stiles has had to listen to the Ballad of Scott’s Life Sucks Because Allison is Gone, pretty much on repeat, for the past 48 hours . . .


“Nevermind the fact that you recently told me that you sometimes have the urge to MURDER ME.  Please, let’s talk more about YOU and your lame girlfriend problem . . .”

So, Stiles, being the completely undeserved awesome pal that he is, decides to do for Scott what all best buds do for pals, who just got kicked to the curb by their so-called soulmates.  He takes him out to some shady parking lot, to get him sh*t-faced, of course!


But, alas, Scott’s newfound wolfishness has had the unintended side effect of making him the OPPOSITE of a cheap date.   And so it happens that Scott ends up stone cold sober, and still riding the WAHHHHHHH-mbulance of Dumpee-dom, while Stiles entertains us all with the joys of listening to him slur about how much he LOOOOOOOOOOVES a certain five-foot-three red-head named Lydia . . .

Ahhhhh, memories!

(See Scott?  It’s too bad you couldn’t have gotten yourself turned into a vampire, instead.  Vampires never have ANY trouble getting wasted, when a woman mistreats them . . .)

Case in point . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ little gab fest is unceremoniously interrupted, when two random dudes try to steal their booze. 

Oh, honey!  Didn’t you get the memo?  NO ONE over the age of 15 should wear their hats like that . . .

BAD MOVE!  Now Scott is ANGRY!  And you won’t like him when he’s ANGRY . . .


“Give me the bottle of Jack,” growls Scott, in a voice that’s WAY sexier than his usual whining voice!

He also gets those trademark yellow eyes, I love so much.  The two random dudes are obviously turned on by him too, because they promptly hand back the liquor, and start scampering away like little b*tches.  Then Scott does something shocking:  HE BREAKS A STILL-HALF-FULL BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, ON PURPOSE!

Talk about a senseless waste of booze!  I mean, come on, Scott!  Don’t you realize that there are starving children in East Poorsitania (Yes, I made that up.  I didn’t want to risk offending anyone.) who don’t have ANY Jack Daniels to drink, when their girlfriends dump them.  Seriously . . . ungrateful much?

But that’s not all!  Soon after Scott and Stiles leave, the Alpha hunts down the Two Random Dudes and THROWS BOTH THEIR BODIES INTO A VAT OF FIRE . . . and all over a bottle of Jack. 

Clearly, THIS Guy is a graduate of the Stiles’ School of Acting Like a Bat . . .

Could you imagine if it was something more expensive (like,  for example, Johnnie Walker Blue).  What would the Alpha have done then?  Tied them up, and made them watch The Notebook eight times?

Parents Just Don’t Understand . . .

Pssst, Scott!  Wanna get out of taking that test?  Try the Running Your Thermometer Under Hot Water Trick.  So, what if she’s a nurse . . . Your Mom will never know the difference.

Parents on teen shows are usually so effed up and dysfunctional, that it’s refreshing to see Scott’s Mom and Stiles’ Dad both (so far) seem so kind, well-adjusted, and, let’s face it, normal.

Mommy tries to make Scott feel better about losing Allison, by recounting for him all the times that she’s met the business end of the dumping stick.  But, as you know, DENIAL is often the first stage of the grieving process.  And Scott is experiencing it BIG TIME, when he claims that he and Allison are just “on a break.”  And that he’s going to “get her back.”

We then get our first obligatory Shirtless Scott Shot of the episode, when he strips and heads toward the shower, offering us a near-identical image to the one we got of him doing this exact same thing in the Pilot episode . . .

At least we know he has good hygiene!

Another important thing to note about this scene (aside from the size of Scott’s pects), is the fact that the radio announcer on Scott’s alarm noted that local police are still on the lookout for Serial Killer Derek Hale. 

So much for telling a Harmless Little White Lie, because you didn’t know how else to explain that your friends were being STALKED BY A WEREWOLF, Scott!  *cough douchebag cough*

Terrified that his “sweet innocent” daughter will end up getting Little Red Riding Hooded, on the way to school, Papa Argent insists on driving Allison to Beacon Hills High, while Auntie Kate the Werewolf Slayer tries to keep the peace, while riding shotgun.  (On the message boards, many of you noted a weird sexual tension between Auntie Kate and Papa Argent.  Really?  What show do you think this is, Game of Thrones?) 

With Allison safely out of earshot, Papa A gives Auntie K the perfect opportunity to say “I told you so,” when he apologizes to her for underestimating the POWER OF THE ALPHA . . .

(Is it just me or does Papa A REALLY look like a pirate in this screencap?  “Arrrgh!  Walk the plank, Katey!  I want me GOLD!”)

Fortunately for Mr. Argent, Kate the Werewolf Slayer is WAY TOO hungry for “I told you so’s.”  She’d rather make a food run, instead.

OK . . . I take back what I said, these two are definitely doing the DEED .  . .

Hmmm . . . if Kate REALLY wants to make a McDonald’s run, it looks like she’s going to have to get out and PUSH THE CAR THERE . . .

In the SECOND sweetest, parent-child scene to come out of this episode (The first is yet to come), a very concerned Stiles warns his Dad to be careful when searching for the Alpha Derek.  Now, maybe it’s because he got hurt by the “mountain lion” a few episodes back.   But I have to say, all this emphasis on Stiles’ dad’s safety over the past few episodes has me REALLY WORRIED about his mortality on the show .  . .

Please don’t make Stiles an orphan, Papa S!  Or we will never get to see the inevitable storyline where you hook up with Scott’s Mom, and make funny, sarcastic babies, with really nice abs . . .

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3 .  . .

Lydia made a snide comment about Allison’s outfit in this scene, but has anyone checked out what Lydia is wearing?  Ummm ewwww!

At school, Needy Allison needs reassurance from Lydia that she did the “right thing” by dumping Scott.  Lydia plays her part, and agrees, “He locked us in a classroom, and left us for dead!”  She exclaims emphatically.  (Well, actually, he locked you in a classroom and then TRIED TO KILL YOU.  But, hey, there’s no need to be nitpicky about such small details.)  Interestingly enough, Lydia’s assessment of what happened on “School Night” will come into play later on in the episode.  So, try to keep it in mind . . .

In class, a rather Obsessed-Looking Scott tries to talk to Allison, but the Creepy Emo-Looking  Teacher Who Everybody Thinks is the Alpha (more on that later) makes him sit down, before he can do that.

What happens next is arguably the most telling aspect of the episode, in terms of how Scott’s connection with the Alpha works.  First, Scott begins to experience sensitivity to light and sound, something many of us (myself included) initially thought would happen to him ALL TIME, as a result of him being a werewolf.  However, in actuality, it only seems to occur during SPECIFIC times.

Then come the NEW TEST QUESTIONS . . .

Now, the simplest explanation for these hallucinations would be that the proximity to the Full Moon, coupled with recent events, have caused Scott’s psyche to play little tricks on him.  And yet, the hallucinations themselves seem SO SPECIFICALLY designed to upset Scott, and trigger his werewolf response, that we, as viewers, can’t help but wonder whether the Alpha is creating them.  This raises the interesting question, particularly in light of later events, of how close the psychic connection is between the Alpha and Scott? 

How much control does the Alpha have over the things Scott sees and the way he behaves?  (Later on in the episode, we will see another example of Scott’s hallucinations that may or may not be Alpha-induced.)  Of course, if we assume that it is the Alpha who is causing Scott to hallucinate in this way, than the most obvious culprit is the Emo-Looking Teacher . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little Stiles too!”

After all, he has the most access to Scott and the test, at this particular moment in time.  (Did I mention he’s really creepy?)  Then again, it could just as easily be any student in that classroom.  However, if the psychic connection between an Alpha an has pack has no limit in terms of distance, it could really be ANYBODY in Beacon Hills . .  .

You can run, but you can’t hide, Dog Boy!

When Scott rushes out of the class in Full-On Freak Out Mode, Emo-Looking Teacher doesn’t seem to surprised or upset.  He does, however, seem a bit perturbed when Stiles rushes out after him . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 263 (We Make Bathtime LOTS OF FUN!)

“Umm . . . Stiles .  . . I think I dropped the soap. (hint, hint)”

I love that Stiles knew IMMEDIATELY that Scott would head to the showers, at the first sign of a panic attack.   (I’m telling you, this Dude just LOVES getting naked and clean!)  “I can’t breathe, KISS ME, YOU FOOL!”  Scott exclaims, as he strikes yet another ridiculously sexually suggestive pose for his friend (and for the female viewers) . . .

Introducing Mr. July . . .

“Well, I’m still not sure whether Danny finds me attractive, but I’m starting to think that YOU do!”

Luckily for Scott, Stiles just happens to have Scott’s old inhaler handy . . . you know . . . the one he hasn’t used since the Pilot episode?  (Ummm . . . I love you, Stiles.  But that’s a little strange . . . even for you.)

After Scott is done blowing, Stiles explains to him that he didn’t actually NEED the inhaler.  Rather, Scott was having a panic attack, and THINKING that he needed the inhaler helped him snap himself out of it . . .


(Two weeks ago, Stiles taught Scott what “sarcasm” was.  This week, he taught him “irony.”  Next week, I predict he will finally teach Scott how to read . . .)

In all seriousness though, Stiles is like, seriously, the Best Friend on the Planet who Scott doesn’t even begin to deserve.  And for this reason, when he started talking about how he suffered from panic attacks, after his Mom passed away, I must admit I got a little teary . .

OK . . . make that A LOT teary .  . .

Once Scott has calmed down some, Stiles explains to him that he’s not the first guy in the world to get dumped by a girl.   “It’s called heartbreak.  There are like TWO BILLION SONGS written about it,” he offers, quite rationally.

Scott responds, in a bit of a non-sequitur, that Stiles should lock him up the night of the Full Moon, because . . .


Meanwhile, over at the Walmart of Guns . . .

Newsflash:  Allison’s Mom is Just as Batsh*t Crazy as the Rest of Her Family . . .

Andre helpfully pointed out to me that the hunter dude on the left is also one of the detectives, who was apparently at the school investigating the “Serial Killer Situation.”  How very convenient!

The Argent Hunters are having a little Pre-Full Moon pow wow.  Papa Argent notes that all the wolves, including the Alpha, are at their most vulnerable / nutty, during the Full Moon.  Therefore, this will be the best time to catch them.  Meanwhile Auntie Kate, who never met a weapon or a man she didn’t want to fondle, notes that, while the Alpha might be out during this precarious time, Sexy Derek wouldn’t be stupid enough to make such a rookie wolf mistake . . .

Was anyone else hoping her gun would accidentally go off, during this scene?  Because THAT would be hilarious.

Then Mama Argent, who, if you recall said BARELY A WORD, during her premiere episode, back when Scott came to the Argent’s house for dinner for the first time, creepily pops in, and randomly instructs her family to chop Derek in half, before offering the crew some homemade cookies laced with cyanide.

Break my Derek, and I’ll break your face, B*TCH!  (By the way, doesn’t this woman kind of look like a slightly older version of the main alien chick from that recently-canceled show, V?  Just sayin’)

Wanna Bite Me?

Back at school, Allison and Jackson are busy eating food off eachother’s faces, when Jackson echoes Lydia’s entirely self-serving comment that, YES, Allison did the TOTALLY RIGHT THING dumping Scott.  Jackson then shows Allison what a mature and evolved dude he is, by sucking his thumb . . .


Allison unintentionally kills the mood a bit, by asking Jackson if she wants a bite of his food.  Of course, she intends the comment to be flirtatious HUSSY!.  However, Jackson, who is undoubtedly always subconsciously thinking about the NEVER EVER HEALING Derek Love Tap on the back of his neck, mishears her, and think she is asking him about his “bite.” 

Upon hearing the inquiry, the color drains from Jackson’s face, and he subconsciously starts rubbing his neck.  Actually, considering that what’s on Jackson’s neck is pretty obviously a SCRATCH, and not a bite, his reaction here is a bit strange.  (Then again, there is some evidence later on in the episode to suggests that Jackson might have initially had NO CLUE what Derek did to him.  So, maybe he thought it was a “bite” after all.)

Upon hearing Jackson and Allison flirting with his conveniently appearing and disappearing Super Wolf Senses, Scott, who is sitting in the locker area at the time, reacts by doing this . . .


Well, SOMEONE is going to have a massive headache, tomorrow morning . . .

First Line and First SLIME!

Stiles gets the surprise is his life, when do the outbreak of some random illness amongst the lacrosse team, he gets selected (though they misspell his name, causing him to proudly refer to himself as “Biles”) to play First Line in the upcoming game . . .

You ever notice how Stiles is always puffing his cheeks out like this?  He must be REALLY good at blowing. 😉


Oh, Come ON, Scott!  At least pretend to be excited for your friend, Ya DOUCHE!

Scott gets some good news too.  The Coach has suddenly decided to make him a Co-Captain, along with Jackson.  This announcement results in Jackson wetting his diaper, and crying for his Mommy . . .

Though Jackson and his cronies begin plotting to bring Scottie boy down, so that he will lose his new Position of Power, Nice Guy Danny sticks up Scott, reminding Jackson that he is a “good player.”

Hey Danny!  I don’t know you that well, but I already like you.  By the way, do you think Stiles is attractive?  Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Back on the bench, Mr. I Only Think About Myself Scott grumbles that he “smells jealousy.”  This prompts Stiles to wonder whether he can smell “other things” as well (Like farts?), like SEXUAL DESIRE!  (Actually, Stiles, I think MOST humans can smell that . . .)  Stiles then asks Scott to ask Lydia if she “likes him,” because, apparently, they are in fourth grade . . .  Nevertheless, Scott agrees to do this for his pal.  And Stiles is obviously appreciative of the gesture . . .


So, remember how, when Allison asked Lydia if she thought she did the right thing, by dumping Scott, Lydia replied that Scott was basically a selfish bastard who left them all for dead?  Suddenly, when confronted with Scott in person, Lydia has distinctly changed her tune.  Now she’s all “you tried to protect us,”  and “Allison should be grateful.”

Something happens to Scott, at that moment.  He gets this EXTREMELY SEXY intense and mean look in his eyes, and he asks Lydia, if she is grateful for him.  She responds by cleaning his teeth with her tongue . . .


Hey Scott?  Ever hear of the phrase, “BROS BEFORE HOS!”  Learn it . . . live it . . . BE IT!

To make matters even worse, when Scott returns to practice, he tell Stiles that Lydia is actually interested in him.  At which point Stiles turns around and punches Scott in the face.  Ooops, sorry.  That was what I WANTED TO DO to Scott at this point . . . Stiles believed his friend, and looked depressingly excited over the whole thing . . .

Lipstick on Your Face (Told a Tale on YOU!)

Just when it looks like we are in for another long boring lacrosse scene, things actually start to get interesting.  Two of Jackson’s cronies make good on their promise to get rid of him as Co-Captain, by deliberately knocking him down.  Scott then responds in kind, by knocking THEM down.  But then, he inexplicably does THIS . . . TO DANNY, the only guy on the Team, aside from Stiles, who was actually willing to give him the benefit of the doubt . . .

“I think I’m dying!  Before I go, please tell Stiles I think he’s attractive!  I can’t leave this Earth, without him knowing!”

Way to lose friends, and alienate people, Scott ASSHAT!

Oddly enough, the Coach looks eerily pleased by this whole course of events . . .

Was that an Alpha growl I heard come out of your mouth, Coach Cupcake?

Amidst all this, Lydia rushes onto the field with SEX HAIR, and blow job kissy face.  Her unusually disheveled appearance does not go unnoticed by Jackson . . . or Stiles for that matter . . .

Uh OH, Scott!  It looks like your lacrosse stick isn’t the ONLY long pointed object getting you in trouble, lately . . .

No Teddy Bears Were Harmed in the Making of This Scene . . .

Thankfully, Mr. Bear was wearing a bullet-proof vest, the ENTIRE TIME!

Most Cool Hip Aunts take their teenage nieces shopping to bond with them.  Auntie Kate opts instead for target practice on Winnie the Pooh! 😦

Wipe that smile off your face, MURDERER!

Not surprisingly, the anguish of shooting Mr. Bear causes Allison to break into tears.  (It’s OK, Allison.  I cried when you shot Mr. Bear too!)  Of course, Auntie Kate malevolently uses this tender moment to grill Allison on Scott and his relationship with Derek, since Allison unwittingly brought the latter’s name up, when discussing her Girl Pain . . .

“I know this is probably a bad time.  But do you think you could find out from Scott, if Derek thinks I’m attractive?  Because I would really like to lick him . . .”

Meanwhile, back at Asshat Scott’s house . . .

Lay Down with Scott, Wake up with Fleas (and probably crabs)

Sitting in the same chair, where Scott once found the Sexy Derek lying in wait for him . . .

Woah . . . they look really similar in these two shots!  I wonder if this was intentional . . .

 . . . Evil Scott contemplates EATING THE WORLD  . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles (who made a key to Scott’s house, which is either really sweet, or really stalkerish, I can’t decide which) is downstairs, chatting with Scott’s Mom (who is conveniently on her way to work) about all the “Lunatics” (get it, LUNA . . . as in MOON?) who lurk in the shadows on Full Moon nights . . .

“Oh, LUNATICS . . . like your son!”

Stiles quickly heads upstairs, and instructs Scott to chain himself to the radiator, in response to the impending Full Moon.  Mr. Resourceful even came with his OWN chains, for this very purpose.  But when Scott refuses, Stiles takes the initiative, and DOES IT FOR HIM!

“That was for MAKING OUT WITH LYDIA!” Stiles remarks, as he stomps out of the room.


Stiles isn’t done torturing Scott yet.  He later returns with a DOGGY BOWL that has his friend’s name written on it in Magic Marker.  It’s actually pretty hilarious . . .


But when Stiles leaves, and Scott starts boo hooing and whining to be let go, you can see that it effects our Sweet Boy Wonder . . .

Poor Guy!  (You should really consider neutering your dog.  Think of all the problems it could solve!)

Unfortunately, for Stiles, all it takes is for him to run downstairs for a minute.  And by the time he returns, a VERY WOLFED OUT SCOTT IS GONE!

Oops!  (He should have put one of those shock collars on him to keep him on the property!)

Meanwhile . . .

Blah, Blah, Jackson and Allison, Blah . . . Hey, DEREK’S BACK!  YEAH!



So, Allison and Jackson meet in a sporting goods store.  They flirt.  They decide to go back to the car together to TALK about what happened to them and zzzzzzzzzzz.  Apparently, neither of them believe Scott’s story that Derek was the one stalking them at the school.  Rather, they both seem to think their assailant was a man /beast amalgamation . . .

That kind of looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine . . .”

Allison and Jackson begin talking intently with one another.  And though they are clearly both doing “the lean,” this doesn’t seem to be a Pre-Makeout talk, if you catch my drift . . .


And yet, Wolf Scott, in, what some might assume to be YET ANOTHER Alpha-induced hallucination sees these two going at it like . . . well like HE AND LYDIA were going at it, earlier in the day!  *cough douchebag cough*  So, he wolfs out, and jumps on top of the car.  But just when he’s about to pound through its roof, and kill Jackson . . .


Derek Hale emerges from the darkness and SAVES THE DAY!  YIPPEE!

Back in the human form, Captain Obvious Scott admits to The Guy He Made into a Number One Murder Suspect that he cannot date Allison because he is too dangerous of a mother f*&ker to have a girlfriend.  Derek agrees, and reveals some VERY INTERESTING information.  As it turns out, there’s a CURE to werewolfism-by-bite, and it’s SUPRRISE: KILLING THE WOLF THAT BIT YOU!

OK, Derek . . . now, I love you more than life itself, but talk about BURYING THE LEAD.  For WEEKS, you have wanted Scott to help you kill the Alpha.  And for WEEKS, he’s basically ignored you.  Don’t you think THIS would have been persuasive information you could have used to get him to join your Kill Alpha Team from DAY ONE?

I’m sorry, Derek!  But it had to be said.  Please don’t let our little disagreement influence your decision to, one day, have hot animal sex with me. 

Later, Jackson finds one of Scott’s wolfy claws in his lacrosse glove, and FINALLY starts to piece together what Derek did to him, and what Scott is . . .

It’s about damn time!

Elsewhere, Kate begins to wonder whether Derek has a YOUNGER SMALLER Beta IT’S SCOTT!   IT’S SCOTT! wolf running around with him . . .


You didn’t honestly think I’d end this recap without at least ONE shirtless Derek picture, did you?

Oh, and I almost forgot, Stiles saw someone getting pulled out in a stretcher, after the whole Scott incident, and thought his dad had been KILLED!

But, it was SOMEONE ELSE’S DAD!  Papa Stiles is just FINE!


(OK . . . I wrote that in a really mean way.  But, seriously, this was the most touching father / son moment EVER!)

And that was “Panic Attack” in a nutshell.  So . . . what did you think?  Are you a fan of Evil Scott?  (I AM . . . at least in terms of Posey’s darker, more layered portrayal of him.  I think he does a suprisingly nice job of it, especially considering I was dubious about his acting skills, up to this point.) 

Are you on the Jackson / Allison ship?  The Scott  / Lydia one?  Are you loving Stiles more and more every week, like I am?  Do you wish Derek rescued Allison and Jackson, while shirtless?  Oh . . . and who do you think is the Alpha?

I think I’ve left you enough questions to ponder between now and next Monday night, don’t you?  See you next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


Filed under Teen Wolf

Survival of the Fang-iest – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Night School”

“Do you like Scary Movies Television Episodes?  Because, you are in one, Stiles!”

You know those movies, where there’s this ragtag bunch of teenagers, who get trapped in the same building as a serial killer?  So, they scream, cry, make pop culture references, and run around a lot, while they wait for the killer to casually pick them off, one by one, in increasingly creative ways?

That’s sort of how this episode felt for me . . .  well, aside from the fact that the “serial” killer was this cheesy-looking, red-eyed, wolfy sort of thing, and none of the main characters actually died.  But, you get the idea . . .

Aside from serving as a fun-little tribute to the old-school teen slasher movies of the nineties, this week’s installment of Teen Wolf also marked a shift in the relationships between the main characters.  FINALLY, our Scooby Gang (and, I suspect, many viewers) have stopped hero-worshipping Scott.  This week, our so-called hero gladly embraced that selfish wolfy douchiness that always seemed to lurk beneath the surface of his “Gee golly, I’m just so darn sweet and naive,” persona.

Don’t worry Scott!  We still think you’re pretty . . . a pretty douchebag  . . . but pretty, nonetheless.

Also, this week kicked off the start of the Game of Couples’ Musical Chairs that always plays such a big role in every teen drama.  Because, let’s face it, monogamy is for OLD PEOPLE!

Sorry Stiles!  You STILL aren’t getting laid any time soon .  . .

And, of course, this week was the week that all of our characters’ FINALLY woke up and smelled the werewolf sweat.  Yes, boys and girls, that weird thing attacking you every week is not a mountain lion . . . not even close!

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  It’s time to get SLASHED!

Stiles and Scott are in the Closet (SURPRISE!)

“Uhhh . . . Scott ?”

“Yeah, Stiles?”

“Is that your hand on my hot dog, or are you just happy I’m not the Alpha?”

When we last left our terrible twosome, they were both seen racing for shelter in the high school, after coming face-to-face with a hungry Alpha, who may or may not have made Scott’s boss disappear, and who definitely did gut Derek McSexyPants like a fish, right before their very eyes!

“Hey, Scott!  Look what I caught us for dinner!  I’ve been told by Aunt Kate  that he tastes just like chicken.”

The pair pull the heavy double doors shut behind them.  However, they know they just can’t stand there holding them closed, forever!  Eventually, Alpha is GOING to overpower them, and come inside to play.  So, Stiles gets an idea.

From the window, he sees an object, located just a few feet away, that might just hold the doors closed long enough for the teens to seek shelter inside the school.  (At first I thought it was a pair of pliers, but it could very well have been a wrapped up jump rope.)  Whatever it was, Stiles boldly manages to get outside, retrieve the object, and fasten it to the door, just moments before the Alpha has a chance to get into the school.   (PHEW!  Except . . . well . . . the Alpha gets inside, a few moments later, anyway . . . so . . . so much for that.)

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot.  Remember Stiles’ trusty car?  The one he rarely gave Scott a ride in, even though the latter spent like the first five episodes, commuting on that dorky bike of his? 

Well, apparently, the Alpha remembered too.  And it made him MAD!

“Hey Stiles!  Guess who’s taking a big Alpha-sized dump on your car?  I hope you have a good air freshener!”

The episode’s first unofficial victim is claimed, when the Alpha DESTROYS the roof of Scott’s car, and tosses its battery through the window of the school, so it lands just feet away from where Scott and Stiles are hiding.

(It looks like it might be SOMEBODY ELSE’S turn to use a bike, huh?)

Not wanting to see what other strange objects the Alpha will toss at their heads, Scott and Stiles decide to enter a locker (possibly together).  *insert porn music here* 


The only problem is that the mean night-shift janitor finds them in there.  I’m thinking this janitor must be deaf, as he has apparently not heard, the BREAKING OF GLASS AS THE CAR BATTERY CAME THROUGH THE SCHOOL WINDOW, nor has he heard all the GROWLING AND SCREAMING THAT HAS TAKEN PLACE DURING THE SHOW’S FIRST TEN MINUTES.  Rather, Mr. Janitor simply assumes that Scott and Stiles are nothing more than two crazy kids who wanted to have sex in a locker (Those darn kids!).  So, he kicks their asses out!

Best peep show ever!

He’ll pay for that!  In about five minutes, the Janitor has been attacked by the Alpha, who is now dragging the poor wage-earner’s lifeless body across the cheap linoleum floor.  Something tells me this high school is going to be VERY dirty tomorrow.

Stiles and Scott continue to be stalked by the Alpha, until they manage to trap it in a storage closet of some sort.  However, eventually the Alpha crawls up the ceiling vents and escapes, leaving the boys on the run, once again.

Hey Allison!  I’m getting stalked by an Evil Beast!  It’s SUPER FUN!  Come join me!

“Hi, you’ve reached Scott’s phone!  I’m in the closet with Stiles now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you back as soon as we both come out.”

So, remember after Bowling Night, when Allison promised Scott that their next date would be a solo affair?  Apparently, Allison doesn’t either, because, here she is, waiting to meet up with a seriously tardy Scott, as serial double daters, Jackson and Lydia impatiently tap their feet.

LYDIA:  “Why don’t you sit in the car and wait?  It’s much warmer here on Jackson’s lap!”

JACKSON: “You know, if you and I had sex in the back of my car right now, Scott and Lydia would never have to find out.”

LYDIA: “I’m right here .  . . you know!

Jackson: ” . . . “

But then, Allison gets a text from “Scott” saying that he is at the school.  So, off they go!  (Can you say, “WHIPPED?”)  When the threesome arrive at the school, conditions look super-shady, and the front door looks broken into (Gee, I wonder why?)  And yet, Allison (who, for someone genetically predispositioned to be a hunter, has NO self-preservation instinct, WHATSOEVER), decides it would be totally safe to go in there, anyway. 

Jackson (who is looking significantly hotter this week . . . perhaps, due to the surprising lack of zombie makeup he is wearing, and/or a dearth of claws coming out of his mouth)  uses this as an opportunity to eye f*&K Allison to near-pregnancy, right in front of his girlfriend (NOT COOL!), while still pretending to be “super concerned” for her well-being. 

And yet, I notice Mr. Puny Pants never offers to go into the school with her.  (Girlfriend Stealer, FAIL!)  Nonetheless, Allison (who is sort of slutty, anyway), definitely seems receptive to Alpha Male Douchebag’s flirtations.  It must be because of that extra special “heart-to-heart” they shared in front of the lockers, last week.

Allison returns the eye f*&k to Jackson, and with her best “Come hither” stare, tells him, “I’ll be right back.”

Woah!  What’s with the clown makeup, and the fish face?  Not exactly a great look for you, honey.  Fortunately, Jackson and Scott both only seem to stare at your chest . . .

Silly Allison!  Have you NEVER seen the Scream movies (or any horror movie, for that matter).  Don’t you know that those words are the Kiss of Death?

Famous last words, and adulterous eye f*&king aside, this episode featured the most likeable version of Jackson we’ve probably seen, since the series premiered.  Gone were the cocky posturing . . . the zombie death stare . . . and the Big Bully attitude.  This week, Jackson was just a boy with a crush on a girl, who just so happened to be taken . . . oh, and a nasty wolf hickey on his neck.  But hey . . . nobody is perfect, right?

Bodily Functions and Skinny Dips

Speaking of neck hickeys, Jackson and Lydia notice that not only is Stiles car TOTALLY TOTALED, it also has weird scratch marks on its surface . . . scratch marks that are remarkably similar to the ones on the back of Jackson’s neck . . .

I’m not sure whether Stiles’ car insurance covers WOLF MAULINGS . . .

FINALLY, Jackson and Lydia decide to go in and retrieve Allison, but only because Lydia needs the bathroom.  (What a sweet, caring couple these two are!  It’s like a Hallmark card in the making.) 

Jackson grumbles at Lydia for having the gall to interrupt his hot Allison-centric fantasy with her human need to pee.  Lydia makes some remark about not being able to control her bodily functions, which sounds like an invitation to sex, if I ever heard one.  In response, Jackson notes that he is starting to have a problem with ALL of her bodily functions.  (Guess the sex is really boring between these two bloom is finally off the rose on this, let’s face it, never-particularly-hot romantic pairing.)

While Lydia is exploring her bodily functions, Jackson gets an eye-full, but not in a way he expects or hopes . . .



Meanwhile, Allison is contemplating going for a swim . . .

Personal Question:  Do (or did) you guys have Olympic-sized swimming pools at your high school?  Because I didn’t.  And, honestly, the outdoor set they use for Beacon Hills High School on this show looks too small to have one either . .  .

“Oh, HI ALPHA!  I almost didn’t notice you there!  Look at you, always SMILING!  What a Happy Little Predator you are!”

But, I digress . . .

Allison is at the pool, when she gets a call from “Stiles,” or, rather, Scott, who is using Stile’s phone.  (This, of course, got me wondering when Allison became tight enough with Stiles to get his digits.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of these two being buddies.  I just always thought Allison was too busy tonguing Scott all the time, to notice sweet little Stiles.   Perhaps, she took his number, after Scott “lost his phone?”

Reunited and it Feels So . .  . AHHHHHH!  RUNNNNNN!

Using his Big Ole Wolf Ears, Scott is actually able to hear Allison’s phone ringing by the pool, and quickly realizes that she is in the school with him!  As it turns out, SCOTT wasn’t actually the one who texted Allison about coming to the school . . . ALPHA did!

(which confuses me, because I thought Scott’s cell phone has been broken all this time, thanks to Derek SLAMMING IT INTO A WALL . . . perhaps, the Alpha works for Verizon)

Scott instructs Allison to meet him in the school lobby, ASAP.  And it is there that the entire Scooby Gang is reunited.   (YAY!  Now, they can all die together!  BONDING EXPERIENCE!)


Every man’s dream . . .

Unfortunately, the Scooby Gang’s “Happy Reunion” is short-lived.  Soon the group’s ears are bombarded with creepy scratching sounds emmanating from the ceiling of the school, presumably coming from the vents.  MAN, this Alpha gets AROUND!


Adorably, the group all grab hands and run together into a chemistry lab.  Thinking fast, or rather, not thinking much at all, they all start rushing to bar the doors from the Alpha’s inevitable entrance with anything they can get their hands on. 

Not surprisingly, it’s Stiles who kindly reminds them, “Gee, that’s great, but what about the HUGE WALL OF WINDOWS on the other side of the room that were seemingly made specifically for Alpha entrance.


There will be plenty of time to worry about Death By Window-Breaking Alpha later.  For now, the Scooby Gang wants answers from Scott as to what the heck is going on.  They want the TRUTH!

However, since Scott has decided that his buddies “can’t handle the truth,” he decides to LIE . . .

 . . .  and blame all the murders that have taken place, in addition to the school stalking, on Poor Derek McSexyPants!

Even Stiles, who has never been a particualrly big fan of Derek’s, thinks this is a TOTAL DICK MOVE! 

There isn’t much time to discuss it though.  The Scooby Gang has bigger fish to fry . . . like, for example, whether Scott and Stiles have tried calling the cops yet.  Stiles has the answer to that question!  (And it doesn’t even involve throwing a friend under the bus!  Go figure!)


Think Tank for Dummies .  . .

 Earlier, Scott was under (rightly) fire, because the rest of the Gang (most notably Allison) seemed skeptical about the whole “Derek as Cold Blooded Killer” idea.  Now, it is Stiles’ turn to face the Inquisition, as HE seems to be the one patently against calling the cops.  Why, you ask?  Because he was worried about Papa Stiles getting hurt again, that’s why!

The family that eats curly fries together . . . stays together.

Despite Stiles’ protests, Lydia pulls out her cell phone and calls the cops, herself.  And get this . . . they DON’T BELIEVE HER!  Apparently, someone *cough the Alpha cough* “warned” the police that someone might be prank calling them about a disturbance at the high school.  Now the Gang is crap out of luck.  Or are they?

Jackson suggests that Stiles call his dad, PERSONALLY.  Again, Stiles balks.  Then, Jackson starts dissing on Stiles’ dad.  BAD MOVE, JACKSON!


YEAH!  Way to GO STILES!  Look who’s got a kick ass RIGHT HOOK!

Always a sucker for a weenie, Allison of course, rushes to comfort the wimpering Jackson . .  .

Now, it’s Scott’s turn to have an idea!  (Honestly, I didn’t know he was capable of original thought.)

He’s going to go get the key to the back door of the lab off of Dead Janitor, so the Scooby Gang can escape!

This worries Allison, who, of course, doesn’t know Scott is a wolf, and therefore thinks he will be purposefully putting himself in the Alpha “Derek’s” crosshairs completely unarmed (which, lets face it, he basically will be).  More importantly, Allison can tell that Scott is TOTALLY lying about why he ended up at the school in the first place, and what exactly the group is running from. 

*sings* “Babe, I love you so . . . and I want you to know . . . that I’m . . . gonna miss your love . . . the minute you walk out that door.  PLEASE DON’T GO!”

Jackson absolutely gets off on the fact that his future girl toy, Allison, thinks her soon-to-be old boyfriend is a Big Fat Liar . . .

Currently having a wet dream about Allison . . .

However, he’s considerably less happy about THIS . . .


After Allison extracts her tongue from Scott’s mouth, she warns him not to approach the Alpha unarmed.  Scott finds a stick of some sort to use against the creature that GUTTED DEREK HALE, and apparently thinks that will suit him just fine.  (DOOFUS!)  Fortunately, Lydia has a better idea . . .

Considering the group is in a science lab, why not make a Molotov Cocktail to BLOW UP THE ALPHA!   (Well, I have to say, Lydia, I’m impressed with your Science Geekdom / Hidden Pyromaniacal Tendencies.)  Jackson wasn’t as impressed though.  He hates the fact that he has a girlfriend that might be smarter than he is.  That’s why he wants to date Allison . . . because she’s so much better at playing dumb, than Lydia. 


Speaking of playing dumb, how many of you think that Jackson INTENTIONALLY “forgot” to give Lydia one of the ingredients she asked for to make the Molotov Cocktail, so that Scott’s attempt at making the Alpha go BOOM ended up being a TOTAL BUST?

THIS GUY apparently thinks so!

Useless Molotov Cocktain in hand, Scott heads to the locker room where he last saw the Unfortunate Janitor.  Except, apparently the Janitor has pulled a Weekend at Bernies’ on Scott,  and has decided instead to wait for him on the bleachers in the gym . . .

Scott and Alpha = Love at First Hump!

Kiss me, you fool!”

Scott quickly (and oh-so-conveniently) immediately finds the right key, and “borrows” it from Dead Janitor.  Unfortunately, our so-called Hero is not alone with the Dead Guy.  He’s got company!

“Hey SCOTT!  Let’s shoot some hoops, buddy!  I’ve got a stellar jump shot!”

Alpha is apparently pretty tech-savvy, because he figures out the mechanism that gets the bleachers to close in on Scott . . .

With no where to run . . . and nowhere to hide, Scott, eventually finds him face to face with the Alpha . . . LITERALLY.  With his hot skanky Dead Janitor breath, Alpha emits a low growl, which immediately causes Scott to wolf out and GO EVIL!  Now, he’s heading back to the chemistry lab with his newfound key  . . . and a KILLER INSTINCT!

BAD SCOTT!  Stop TRYING TO EAT YOUR FRIENDS or there will be no doggy treats for you!

We’ve seen Scott like this before, so there’s no big shock here.  What is more shocking is that Jackson seems to react to the howl too.  He doesn’t wolf out, or anything.  However, he DOES double over in pain, as his Derek-provided neck hickey flares up once again.  (I’m still not sure where they are going with this whole “Jackson Thing.”  But I’m defintiely  intrigued by it.)

“Ummm . . . guys?  I think I just pooped my pants.”

Wolfman Scott is ready to attack, when he starts having an Allison Montage in his brain *gag*, and reverts back to normal . . . (PHEW!  That was close.)

And They All Lived Miserably Ever After . . .

Right on cue, the Most Useless Cops in the World (Aren’t they ALWAYS USELESS in these types of shows and movies?) arrive on the scene.  The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .

“PEEKABOO!  We see YOU!”

Once safely outside of the school, Scott and Stiles attempt to tell Papa Stiles about Dead Janitor and, possibly, Dead Derek, but Papa Stiles, of course, doesn’t believe them. 


And why should he?  The cops already inspected the inside of the school and the parking lot, and there are NO DEAD BODIES TO BE FOUND!

You know who HAS BEEN FOUND, however?  The Creepy Uber Suspicious Vet, who was “magically” able to escape the Alpha because they are obviously working together, and keeps slyly remarking on what a “hero” Scott is for “saving his life.”

Then Allison randomly decides to dump Scott, because she is bored of their nauseatingly sweet relationship and would rather bone Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, for a change doesn’t think he’s been completely honest about the whole Homicidal Maniac / Creature of Doom Stalking Him at School Thing.  And that means, “She can’t trust him.”

“Awwww!  Come on, Allison!  Did you not see that beautiful super cheesy montage I had of you, that kept me from murdering all your friends?  Have you no taste for romance?”

To make matters even worse, Scott then decides to confide in Stiles about the Alpha’s true intention.  He (or she) wants Scott as part of his pack, but not until SCOTT kills his OLD PACK, which includes . . . wait for it . . . Stiles, Allison, Jackson (HUH?  REALLY?) and Lydia (Ummm . . . no?).

Wait . . . but that’s not even the worst part!  The WORST PART, is that AS A WOLF, Scott actually WANTED TO EAT ALL HIS FRIENDS . . . and Jackson. 🙂

Awwww!  Don’t cry, Stiles!  I’ll protect you!

So, in short, everybody finishes off this episode worse off than when they started . . . well . .  . almost everybody.


And that was Night School, in a nutshell!  (Special thanks to Andre again for the awesome screencaps!)

So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers . . .   What did you think of this episode?  How unintentionally hilarious  / cheesy is the Alpha . . .  and who the heck is it?  Why do YOU think Allison really dumped Scott?  What do you think Stiles is going to do, now that he knows that his bestie sort of / kind of wants to eat him (and not in a good way)?  And, most importantly, will Derek come back shirtless to rescue us all?

Tune in next week, to find out!  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


Filed under Teen Wolf

A Real “Nail-Biter” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Heart Monitor”

This is WAY better than the original.  Don’t you think?  And yet, oddly enough, it communicates the same message.

Oh my dear Werebangers!  I hope you didn’t eat too much July 4th barbecue meat, before watching this week’s installment of Teen Wolf.  Boy, was it nasty!  There were things coming out of characters’ mouths that should NEVER come out of ANYONE’S mouth!  And no, I am not just talking about Professor Cupcake’s rants about the Youth of America, and Scott’s Drowning Cat Howl . . .

Don’t worry, Kitty!  No cats were harmed in the making of this episode.  Wolves, on the other hand . . .

Hold on to your lunches, folks!  Because this recap is NOT for the weak of tummy . . .

(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the fabulous screencaps you see here. ;))

Why the Lord Invented “Vibrate Mode” for your Cell Phone .  . .

Run Forest Creature, RUN!

Have you ever noticed how nearly EVER slasher film features a scene that takes place in a public indoor parking lot at nighttime?  Talk about negative advertising!  The next time I have to go to one of these places alone, I’m wearing a bullet proof vest and a hockey mask.  Just sayin’.

Armed and ready . . . to shop.

When the episode opens, Scott is returning to his mom’s car, toting a truckload of groceries. (In hindsight, this is probably the one time when his trusty bike would have actually been HELPFUL!  Go figure!)  I actually find it kind of odd that, in a mid-sized suburban town like Beacon Hills, the grocery store doesn’t have it’s OWN parking lot.  But I digress . . .

“Hmmm . . .  I probably should have asked for paper instead of plastic.”

The poor dipsh*t can’t find his car!  He searches level 4, where he thinks he parked, and doesn’t see it.  Then he goes down to level 3.  Still .  . . no car.  (I’d be embarrassed to tell you how many times this has happened to me.  Hint, more times than I can count on my hands.)  So, Scott clicks his keys, and hears his car open.  As it turns out, it’s on level 4, after all.  Scott puts down his bags to take a breather, and out rolls the milk

Don’t cry over clawed milk!

(Now, Scott, WHY would you buy such a tiny milk for you and your Mommy?  That’s not even enough liquidy goodness for your breakfast cereal!  Someone needs to learn about Family Values!)  Then, before Scott can grab the milk, it rolls back to him  (Now, that’s convenient!)  . . . only this time, it’s got CLAW MARKS IN IT!

Scott hears a wolfy growl.  He runs away, seeking shelter behind a nearby car . . .

“Mom’s going to be REALLY pissed about that milk!  I paid 99 cents for that bottle, dammit!  Stupid Alpha!”

Figuring that it’s only a matter of time before the wolf finds him (they are, after all, on the same floor), Scott gets an idea . . .

Rather than running BEHIND the cars, Scott decides to run ON TOP OF THEM.  This, Scott suspects, will have the impact of setting off all the car alarms on the floor of the parking garage, which will, hopefully throw the wolf off his scent.  And THEN . . . Scott’s cell phone goes off. 

Talk about a BAD time for a booty call.  The minute Scott’s phone LOUDLY announces Allison’s phone call, “the wolf” lifts Scott up by the scruff of his neck, and announces to him “you’re dead.”

But fear not, Teen Wolf fans.  It’s JUST Derek!

Teehee!  Oh, that Derek!  He’s such a kidder!  He just wanted to teach Scott A LESSON.  He didn’t really want to GUT HIM LIKE A FISH yet.

“It was either this, or put a whoopee cushion on your bicycle seat.”

Scott begs Derek to teach him how to be a better wolf.  Derek replies that maybe if Scott wasn’t having phone sex with Allison all the time, he might be more focused.

To prove it, Derek tosses Poor Scott’s phone on the floor, CRUSHING IT!

But does Scott wolf out?  Nope.  He just whines like a b*tch.  Someone needs some serious WEREWOLF BOOTCAMP, STAT!  Scott ultimately promises Derek that he will stay away from Allison, until the Full Moon.

So, of course . . .

Scott Goes Back in the Closet (Ha Ha Ha)

Allison: “My, what perky nipples you have, Scott!”

Scott: “The better to poke you with my dear, Allison.”

Cut to the next night.  Scott’s at Allison’s house practicing the horizontal mambo with her.  In the background, Lykka Li’s song “Get Some,” blasts from a stereo nearby.  TVD fans might remember this song as the one Katherine danced to, at Alaric’s house, during the episode “Klaus.” 

“Eat your heart out, Teen Wolf!”

As she has pretty much done since the start of their relationship, Allison assumes the dominant position during Sexy Times with Scott.  She is always the aggressor . . . always on top.  She even goes as far as to ask the undoubtedly virginal Scott if it’s OK if she takes off his clothes . . .


It’s still kind of hot though.   I realized something about Scott and Allison this week.  I like them a whole lot better as a couple when they AREN’T TALKING. 

Uh oh!  It’s coitus interruptus time!  Auntie Kate a.k.a Kate the Werewolf Slayer has arrived.  Into the closet you go, Scott!  (I suspect this is a place that is pretty familiar to you.)  Auntie wants to know what Allison’s been doing in her room “alone.”

“SCOTT!”  Allison replies.  (Just kidding!)  Conveniently, Allison has a history project she can pretend to be completing.  SURPRISE!  It’s a family history project!

“Mwah hahaha!  She has fallen into my evil trap!  My little niece will be shooting Scooby Doo in no time!”

“Golly gee, Allison . . . if you REALLY need help on your family history project, I guess I can help you,” Auntie Kate replies, before pulling up the website she has memorized by heart, and launching into the Your Family Tree oral report she has been reciting in front of her Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Who’s the Biggest Badass of them All?) ever since Baby Allison made her first poop.

Kudos to the Teen Wolf writers for actually utilizing a genuine werewolf legend in developing the Argent family history.  It’s called the Beast of Gevaudan, and you can read about it by clicking here.

Awww, how cute!  I think I’ll call it Fluffy!

Long story, short.  There was supposedly this wolf-like creature that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan in the late 1700’s.  Some of Allison’s ancestors hunted it down.  The rest, as they say, is werewolf slayer history.  Scott, who is listening to this from the inside of his cubby hole, needless to say, is less than amused that Allison is learning her roots.  She dominates him enough, as it is!

“Awww man!  Now she’s probably going to want do all that S&M sh*t!  No me gusta!”

Once the coast is clear, Scott jumps out of Allison’s window, and miraculously lands on his feet.  But because Allison had “eight years of gymnastics” and can do the same thing with her eyes closed, she doesn’t think anything of Scott’s super human jumping abilities.  She’s not even impressed enough to let him be on top, for a change.

“P-shaw!  Amateur!”

The Alpha Gives Scott an Art Lesson

Oooh . . . . SO PRETTY!  (And WAY cooler than the happy faces I always draw on MY car window.)

Pretty much as soon as Allison closes her window, Scott hears a rumbling in the bushes.  He assumes it’s Derek, because Derek seems to like to hide in the bushes and peep on other dudes.  (So does Jackson, we will later learn.)  And, can I just say, HOTTEST STALKER EVER!  Scott starts mumbling some excuse about how he had to see Allison because he had a really bad case of blue balls, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 . . . when, suddenly, he hears a very non-Derek like growl.  Scott runs to his car.  (Clearly, the writers heard my complaints about the bike, because it is nowhere to be seen in this episode.)  The Alpha approaches the car.  He sticks out his claw . . . and he . . . DRAWS CURLICUES!

Terrifying . . . I know!

Scott says the curlicue drawing makes him MAD!  He assumes this is because he is FEELING THE ALPHA’S FEELINGS.  But I think it’s just because the douchey Alpha messed up his mom’s car window.  (Those “drawings” leave streaks, you know!)

In all seriousness, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen the curlicue . . .

We saw it around Derek’s sister’s burial plot.

We’ve seen it on the photographs of dead animals in the area.

We saw it on the roof of the video store, the night the Alpha attacked Jackson.  And, my personal favorite . . .

Derek’s back has not one . . . not two . . . but THREE curlicues!

When Scott arrives back at his home, who should be sitting there, but Derek!  (I guess he’s just making up for NOT stalking Scott outside.)

“If this is a slumber party, I fully expect you to paint my were-claws purple!”

Like a best gal pal, after a date, or Stiles, Derek is SUPER eager to learn what Alpha said to Scott in the car.  But when Scott tells him about the curlicue, Derek gets all awkward and uncomfortable.  He says Scott “[doesn’t] want to know” what the curlicue signifies.  Now . . .  as a brooding hottie, Derek gets an A plus . . . but as a Werewolf Bootcamp Counselor . . . he FAILS BIG TIME! 

Sorry Sexy!   The truth hurts, sometimes.

Yoda Stiles and Scott Wolfwalker


At school, Scott is wandering around the halls like a mental patient, mumbling to himself “Stay away from, Allison.”  Good move, Scott!  Keep acting like that, and NO girls will want to go anywhere near you.  Eventually, he heads to class, where Bestie Stiles is giving him the silent treatment, for pretty much being the cause of his dad almost getting mauled by a wolf, after the parent-teacher conferences. 


“I’m so mad at Scott, I could eat my own tongue.”

If Scott knows anything, it’s how to get Stiles talking.  And all it takes is for Scott to imply that Derek is currently in the running to replace Stiles as the Robin to his Batman, and Stiles is frantically begging his bestie to reconsider.

“Why DEREK?  Do you think he’s more attractive than me?  Do you think DANNY thinks that?”

Ultimately Stiles decides that HE should be the one to teach Scott how to channel his inner wolf . . . because . . . you know . . . he’s Stiles . . . and he rocks.  He also does a really kickass impression of Yoda, squeaky backwards-talking puberty voice and all.  I mean, you know what they say, those who wolf DO, those who Stiles teach . . .  OK . . . nobody says that.  But you get what I’m saying, right?

Meanwhile, Allison and Lydia are girl-talking.  Well, at least, they would be, if Allison wasn’t busy boring Lydia with her Big Bad Wolf versus Little Red Argent Story.

“OMG, Lydia!  My family is in this old smelly book.  You should be SOOOO jealous of me.”

Except, when Allison shows her the PICTURE of the wolf her family supposedly killed, Lydia is suddenly not-so-bored anymore.  She’s FREAKED THE F*&K out!

“Psst!  Hey, Lydia!  Remember me?  It’s Alpha . . . from the video store?  Would you, maybe, wanna go out sometime . . . like . . . on a date?”

“Not exactly the response I was looking for . . . but . . . OK.”

Put the STRAP ON, Scott!  I want to hit you with my balls!

“I’m going to make your heart race, Scott!  YES, I AM!”

Stiles has a pretty good plan for helping Scott to control his wolf.  Ever learn about biofeedback in psychology class?  The concept is that if you can SEE how your biological processes work, you can learn to control them.  So, Stiles wisely figures that if he monitors Scott’s heartrate, he can learn WHAT triggers Scott’s anger, enabling Scott to control his anger, thereby controlling his inner wolf. 

“I’m a GENIUS!”

Stiles’ first Anger Management class for Scott conveniently involves him “strapping on” a heart monitor, while his wrist are tied to his back.   Did I mention Stiles would be repeatedly tossing BALLS AT HIM?


Those of you who were annoyed last week by Scott’s and Allison’s mushy gushy lovey doveyness probably got some cheap thrills out of seeing Scott get BALLED in the nuts a few times.  You know who else got a thrill out of it?  THIS GUY . . .

“I wish I could do that with MY balls.”

Umm . .. yeah . . . Jackson is apparently an honors graduate of the Derek Hale School of Broody Smouldering and Stalking.  Did I mention that he suddenly looks like an extra from The Walking Dead?  So, far, I can’t figure out whether Jackson’s “side effects” are the result of some strain of were-rabies, brought about by Derek’s Love Tap, a few weeks back . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time!

 . . . or if Jackson is merely suffering some SERIOUS PTSD from his Alpha encounter in the video store, LAST WEEK.  Whatever it is, Jackson’s mirth turns to fear, when he sees that Scott has taken one too many balls to the brain, and has started to shift, ripping off the duct tape on his arms, in a single pull.  He overhears Scott say that Allison “makes him weak,” so he can’t be around her anymore.

“I’ll have what HE’S having . . . On second thought, maybe not.”

El Creepo then follows the Scott and Stiles to the locker room, where they continue their discussion of werewolfing and Allison.  They soon leave because Jackson, apparently, smells like death.  So, of course, Smelly Jackson decides to take off his shirt.  (Thanks dude!)

Apparently, the hotness of his own body is too much for Jackson to handle.  He feels nauseous.  He needs to vomit.   He’s going to stick his finger down his throat to make himself puke.   But WAIT!  Someone did it for him!

Yeah . . . sorry guys.   I still can’t post that picture.  Everytime I look at it, it makes me want to ralph!

But, fortunately, all that grossness we just had to endure was only a hallucination of Jackson’s . . . OR WAS IT?  You see, even though Jackson was scratched by Derek DAYS AGO, his wound is still bleeding, as if it’s fresh.  Something is SERIOUSLY WRONG with this kid!

That’s one gnarly hickey, Wacko Jacko!

Just moments after Jackson reenacts the Alien movie with his mouth, he’s seemingly FINE!  In fact, he decides to sit down next to Allison in the hall and have this weird heart-to-heart with her.


Now one of the benefits of recapping late, is I get to take a peek at the message boards to see what YOU GUYS are thinking about the show, before I write about it.  (It’s cheating . . . I know.)  And I was really surprised by how many of you started “shipping” Jackson and Allison together, after this scene. 

When taking the scene at face value . . . I get it . . . I mean, these two are both attractive individuals, who didn’t get off on the right foot, which is usually fodder for an EXCELLENT love-hate TV romance.  And Jackson is SAYING all the right things here.  He’s being self-depracating . . . ASSUMING that Allison already hates him.  He’s confessing to being obsessed with being the best, and being jealous of Scott.  He’s telling Allison that he’s “not a bad guy” and he “likes her.”  It all SOUNDS good, right?


But that’s just it . . . it SOUNDS good.  But it LOOKS creepy.  The way Jackson keeps inching toward Allison while he speaks, completely ignoring her obvious discomfort .  . . the way he seems OVERLY insistent that she agree to be his friend . . . the way he keeps looking at her, like he wants to eat her . . . the way THAT WEIRD THING JUST CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH TWO SECONDS AGO . . . it all screams DANGER, ALLISON ARGENT!  Couple that with all the stuff Jackson just overheard Scott and Stiles discussing, and you’ve got all the makings of an ulterior motive . . .

Be afraid!  Be very afraid!

But who knows?  Maybe Jackson will die before he gets a chance to do anything wrong surprise us!  Character redemption . . . It could happen!

Damn straight!

Let us all join hands (and pray that Wolf Scott doesn’t kill us)

In economics, Allison wonders why Scott has been avoiding her.  He mumbles about busy, or having to wash his hair that day, or something lame, and obvious like that.  But then Professor Cupcake, who apparently got his teaching degree from the Tazmanian Devil , starts TOTALLY flipping out on Scott for not having done his class reading.  You would think Scott killed his puppy, with how mad Cupcake is becoming . . .

Cupcake has this CRAZY look in his eye, while he’s hurling insults at Scott, like it’s his job.  And you’ve really gotta wonder what brought on all this anger.  I mean, I thought most sports coaches who were also teachers, LOVED their dumb star athletes?  What gives, Asshat?

Stiles watches nervously, as Scott’s heartbeat rises steadily with each insult.  The monitor is beeping VERY loudly, but, oddly enough, nobody seems to hear it.  (This must be a school for both wolves AND the hearing impaired.)  Then, suddenly, Scott’s heartrate drops.   Stiles takes a little peak under the desk, and learns that ALLISON is the source of Scott’s calm.  She’s TOUCHING HIM!

I meant his HAND!  She was touching HIS HAND!  You perv!

And, you know what, I’ll be damned if this wasn’t a SUPER SWEET scene . . . even to a cynic NON Salison shipper, like myself.  Like I said, these two are WAY better, when they are silent.

Since Scott isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, he relies on Stiles to explain to him what this all means.  Basically, Scott luuuuuuuuuves Allison, so she keeps him human.  I guess having LOVE be your Humanity Trigger is WAY MORE FUN than Derek’s method of having PAIN do it . . .

And yet, both methods could conceivably involve floor humping . . .

By the way, does anybody else think it’s kind of weird that Scott needed STILES to tell him that he was in love with Allison?  Just wondering . . .

And yet, even though, by now, it seems COMPLETELY unnecessary, Stiles the SADIST has ONE MORE “lesson” for Scott.  It involves Stiles keying some big dude’s car, and letting Scott take the blame for it.   So, Scott can try to “stay” human, while he’s being gang banged. 

Yeah . . . that’s pretty bad ass.  But can you draw a curlicue on the window?  Bet you can’t!

Stiles’ stunt lands both him and Scott in detention with that weird teacher, who everyone on the message boards seems to think is the Alpha just because he has a strangely soothing voice, and wears emo glasses .  . .

As for me, I just thought it was strange that the guys who ACTUALLY BEAT UP SCOTT didn’t get detention for doing so.  This school is WACK!

More Finger Wagging

The itsy bitzy spider went up the water spout . . .

Derek drives to the mental institution in his recently repaired hot car to visit his old friend, The Family Member Who Doesn’t Speak . . .

Sorry Peter!  That was mean of me . . .

Derek tells The Family Member Who Can’t Speak (What can I say?  Old habits die hard.) that his sister was murdered.  He wants to know if anyone else, aside from him survived the family fire.  The Family Member Who Can’t Speak says . .  . well . . . nothing.  But after Derek leaves, he wags his finger, which, I guess means that the answer to Derek’s question is “yes.”

“Hey PETER!  Nice finger!  Let me show you another one!”

The Vet Did IT!  (Or did he?)

“Hey now!  Why do you have to go and blame the black guy?  What gives, Wolfy?”

Probably because he reads the Teen Wolf message boards, Derek becomes convinced that the shady veterinarian is either the Alpha himself, or WORKS for him.  (I’m thinking, the latter.)  So, he decides to interrogate the guy outright . . . and then tie him up, and beat the sh*t out of him.  (Anybody ever notice how much BONDAGE there is on this show?)

“YEAH!  Bondage RULES!”

By the time Scott arrives, his boss is already unconscious.  Derek explains that he wants to see if the vets wounds will HEAL to prove whether or not he is human.  Scott does NOT like this idea.  NOT AT ALL!

And yet, thanks to Yoda Stiles’ training, he is able to effectively channel his inner wolf, when it is necessary to show Derek who’s boss, and UNWOLF, before he KILLS Derek.  So . . . YAY for that!

New plan!  “Let’s draw out the Alpha with my PACK ROAR!”  Scott says, though not in so many words.  Dragging the unconscious vet with them as a souvenir, Scott, Stiles and Derek head off to the school and break in.  Scott takes over the school intercom and attempts to howl.  If you’ve ever seen the movie The Lion King, it kind of sounds like Baby Simba’s first attempt at roaring, only LESS menacing.

But all it takes is a few words of support from Yoda Stiles, and Scott is HOWLING like a champ!

“How you doin’ Beacon Hills, this is Wolfman Scott here, ready to HOWL some tunes for you.  I hope you’ve all been neutered!  Because this is my MATING CALL!”

Once that’s done, the bromantic buddies reunite with Derek, and kid around about how Scott’s howling abilities, or lack thereof.

“That was so good, I think I just went into heat.”

The trio is having such a fine old time, joking and laughing, that they want Bondage Veterinarian to share in the fun.  But when they look for him in the back seat . . . HE’S GONE!

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . That stinkin Alpha did THIS to my poor baby!

But he’s not DEAD!  He can’t be DEAD!  He’s still signed on to appear in five more episodes.  He’s too beautiful important to the plot to die.  Right?   RIGHT? 

Next week’s episode promises to be a cross between The Breakfast Club and Every Teen Horror Movie You Have Ever Seen.  Check out the trailer, here!

See you next week, Werebangers . . . IF YOU SURVIVE THAT LONG!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


Filed under Teen Wolf

Keeping it “In the Family” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Tell”

Well HELLO, Derek Hale’s Naked Sweaty Stomach!  I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon . . . or so much of you.  What do you say, we go back to my place, so we can “get to know one another a little better?”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe we are already HALFWAY through this season of Teen Wolf?  It seems like only yesterday, we were ogling Scott McCall’s naked body for the first time . . .


This week’s episode was called “The Tell,” a likely reference to the subconscious ways in which card players reveal to their opponents what kind of cards they are carrying, during the course of a game.  Fittingly, some of the episode’s most “telling moments” featured one character sharing information with another, and the other reacting to it, in a way that suggested a lot about his or her possible motivations.  Did I mention that the episode was CHOCK FULL of shirtless, sexual tension, and sublime homoeroticism?


Stiles clearly suffers from Oral Fixation.  Does Danny suffer from Stiles’ Fixation?

So, what do you say, kiddies?  Are you ready for some Show and “Tell”?

[Note:  Special thanks go out to my new pal Andre for all the FABULOUS screenshots you see here.  You’ll undoubtedly notice that they are of significantly higher quality than the ones I tend to take myself.]

Next time, Stick with Netflix!

“If I die in this video store, at least I won’t have to watch The Notebook again!”

Oh Jackson!  Slowly, but surely, you are growing on me.  The fact that you finally took your shirt off this week, helped with that A LOT!  You actually had me feeling kind of sorry for you, because you are SO COMPLETELY WHIPPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  (I mean, really, grow some balls, man!)  We open on a shot of Poor Schmo Video Worker (don’t get too attached to him) standing on a ladder, fixing a light, in a video store that looks like its been time warped out of 1995, and plopped down in present-day Beacon Hills.  (Honestly, do video stores that AREN’T Blockbuster even EXIST anymore?  Because, even the Blockbuster by me closed!)

A car pulls up.  It’s Lydia and Jackson.  Lydia is in the driver’s seat, which is appropriate, considering that this is OBVIOUSLY the position she takes in their relationship.

“Umm . . . Lydia?  Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s NOT the stick shift.”

Jackson is trying to convince Lydia to rent Hoosiers, a heart-warming love story about boys and their .  . . um . . . basketballs . . .

But Lydia doesn’t WANT to watch a movie about balls.  She’d much prefer to watch The Notebook again, a movie which, in the words of Puck from Glee, has the power to “make you grow a vagina, if you watch it.”

Having just got rid of the vagina he grew the LAST time they watched this film, Jackson is, understandably, a bit miffed by his girlfriend’s suggestion.

Cut to about two seconds later, when Jackson is wandering around a seemingly empty video store, asking out loud where he can find The Notebook.

Long time, no vagina, Jackson!

But, uh oh . . . something is wrong on Movieland.  Our light-fixing Poor Schmo Video Worker is now nowhere to be seen.  And he hasn’t successfully done his job, either, because the lights in the place are still flickering.  Jackson walks around a little while longer, until he FINALLY finds Poor Schmo Video Worker . . . WITH HIS THROAT RIPPED OUT!

Watching The Notebook is starting to look pretty good NOW, isn’t it Jackson?

In a panic, Jackson lurches back, knocking down the ladder where Poor Schmo Video Worker met his maker.  He hears a noise.  Someone . . . or something is in the video store with him.  He hides in one of the aisles.   But the ALPHA is way smarter . . . and STRONGER than Jackson.  It knocks all the shelving down around Jackson in a single push.  It has Jackson in its clutches now.  It’s claw-like hands reach down toward Jackson’s neck, preparing to rip out its throat.  But then it sees the scratch marks left there last week by Derek .  . .

. . .  and decides to let Jackson live.  (WHY?  Did Derek “put a little wolf” in Jackson with his little love tap?  Or does the Alpha have some other reason for wanting to keep Jackson alive?)

Jackson got fingered! 

Meanwhile, outside, Vain Lydia is taking pictures of herself on her camera phone, when she sees the Alpha jump through the glass window of the video store, its red eyes blazing, its strong black body moving like nothing she’s ever seen before. 

Ooh . . . you might want to get some Visine for those eyes, honey!

She screams . . .

“OK . . . I’m sorry.  I’ll watch Hoosiers, I swear.   Just don’t eat me!”

Meanwhile, on a nearby road, Stiles is keeping his dad company, while the latter patrols Beacon Hills in his cop car. 

“Hey dad what do you say we pick up . . . er . . . I mean arrest some hookers.”

Stiles and his dad have a refreshingly sweet relationship.  In past episodes, we’ve only seen Big Stiles (that’s my new name for Stiles’ Dad) scold his son, and berate him for seemingly getting his nose into everybody else’s business.  But here, the two are just eating curly fries, and enjoying one another’s company . . .


See what I mean about the whole “oral fixation” thing?

Big Stiles then gets a call on his CB about a possible homicide.  And Little Stiles jumps up and down on his seat, like a kid on Christmas morning.


You would think, by now, the thrill of ogling corpses would have worn off for Stiles, who has already seen a couple pretty gory ones, since the show premiered.  But apparently not.  (Perhaps, he’s hoping one will come back to life, looking like THIS . . .)

Upon arriving at the video store, Stiles is shocked and perhaps a bit jealous to learn that Jackson and Lydia are the only living witnesses to this possible murder.  Big Stiles gets out of the car, and tries to calm down an EXTREMELY agitated Jackson, who instinctively doesn’t want to go to the hospital, despite having fallen during the Alpha Ambush . . .

“She was going to make me watch The Notebook again!  Can you believe it?  The Notebook!”

Is it possible that Jackson, on some level, recognizes that the scratch on his neck is NOT from a human, and has changed him in a way that will raise eyebrows at the hospital?  Hmmm .  . .

Meanwhile, on the roof of the video store, Derek and Scott are . . . just chillin’.

“Hey, check it out.  From here, you can see down Lydia’s shirt!”

Scott wonders out loud why the Alpha seems so intent on killing random people.  Being new to this whole Werewolf Thing, he can’t help but wonder whether that’s what HE will eventually do.  Derek reassures Scott that they are PREDATORS, but don’t necessarily have to be killers. 

Wait?  Isn’t that the same thing?  The only kind of predators I KNOW that aren’t killers are the SEXUAL kind!

*sigh*  In that case, forget I said anything.   Just keep “predating,” Derek Hale! (Yeah, that’s probably not a word . . . but it should be!)

Lovers Quarrel, Part 26

“Aww, don’t pout, Baby!  I’ll even let you be on top, next time!”

Back at Derek’s house, or as I like to call it, La Casa de Old and Decrepit, Derek and Scott are fighting again, about Derek’s “Responsibility to Were Kind” to help find and destroy the Alpha.  “I HAVE A LIFE!”  Scott whines.

“No . . . you don’t,” replies Derek.  (See?   That was funny!  I knew the writers would go and give him a sense of humor, eventually!)

“I HAVE HOMEWORK!”  Scott tries again.

“Do you want to do homework . . . or not die?” Derek fires back.

Yeah!  That was funny, right?  I’m GOOD!”

Yes, Derek.  SNARK!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Apparently, there’s this little rule in the Werewolf Book of Pack Obedience, that states that if an Alpha Pack member doesn’t kill with his leader, before the full moon, he gets EATEN.

“Sexy Wolf Man, say what?”

By this point, Derek has probably figured out that Scott is pretty much a self-centered prick (a hot self-centered prick, mind you, but a self-centered prick, nonetheless).  And so, he wisely reminds Scott that HE has interest in finding the Alpha (through his unique “pack” connection too), as doing so could very well SAVE his life.  And, of course, the clock is ticking, because the next Full Moon is on the horizon.  This means Scott has only limited time to attend and graduate Derek’s Werewolf School of Brooding, Soulful Staring, and Looking Intimidating.

Hot for Teacher!

Speaking of teaching, Scott learned his first REAL werewolf lesson today.  It was a lesson about PAIN, and how it can lead to pleasure keeps a werewolf human.  Derek taught Scott this by leaning over him seductively, and twisting his arm, while the two were-men panted and groaned in concert.  I could tell you it wasn’t SUPER hot to watch . . . but I’d be lying . . .

“Happy Birthday, Allison!  Sorry for Being a Douche to Your New Boyfriend!  Here . . . have an Ugly Necklace.”

“I was going to get you birth control pills, My Little Harlot.  But I figured, this was the next best thing.”

Back at the Argent house, Aunt Kate is all faux apologetic about accusing Scott of going through her bag . . . WHICH HE DID!  She would very much like for Allison to call her some bad names, as part of her “punishment” for inappropriate behavior.  Allison wants to do no such thing.  She says all is forgiven.   I, myself, however, am not so forgiving, and have decided to call Aunty Kate a name of my own . . .

Apparently, today is Allison’s birthday.  And Kate has a gift for her.  It’s the UGLIEST NECKLACE I’VE EVER SEEN!  Allison puts it on immediately, but I suspect she is just doing it to be polite.  Apparently, the necklace has some “family crest” thing on it, that’s significant, in some way, to the Argent family history.  Rather than tell Allison the truth about her family, she suggests that Allison “look it up.”  (As, I suspect, Evil Werehunter Dad is not quite ready to let Allison in on the family’s Secret Life, just yet, this move was rather crafty on Kate’s part.)

  We can tell Kate is pleased with herself, by the sh*t eating grin on her face, after Allison leaves for school. 

Little does Aunt know that the only thing Allison has any interest in “studying” lately is Scott’s weiner.

Scott and Allison Ditch School, Frolic in the Park, Blah, Blah, Blah . . .

“Have you ever noticed that I spend at least half of every episode of this show with my lips attached to your face?”

Scott finds Allison at school hiding balloons and birthday notices in her locker.  She doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday, because she’s SO FRIGGIN OLD!  As it turns out, Allison turns 17 today, which makes her  a year older than Scott, which pretty much makes her an Alpha cougar . . .

Scott wins MAJOR points (not to mention gets a few steps closer to falling into Allison’s panties), by correctly guessing why Allison is in Scott’s grade, even though, technically, she should be a grade above him.  “You got held back, because you missed a lot of school, moving around so much,” he says matter-of-factly.  Allison is so thrilled that Scott doesn’t think she was left back a grade for being a moron, that she eagerly agrees to cut school with him.

“In that case, you’re a genius!  Now, will you let me touch your boobies?”

Call me unromantic, but I’m not going to spend much more time on Scott McCall’s Day Off, basically, because I thought it was lame, and didn’t add much to the story.   Yes, Scott and Allison are both very attractive people, who smile a lot, and look good making out with one another.  But, beyond that, they haven’t shown me anything special about their relationship to make me particularly invested in them as a couple.   And COME ON!  If your going to make me spend 10 minutes of an episode watching a boy and girl frolic in the woods, AT LEAST LET ME SEE THEM SCREW!

Am I right?

The one mildly interesting aspect of the “Salison” date, was Scott’s continued feeling as though Allison was “taking away his masculinity.”  (Oh buck up, Buddy!  It’s not like she made you watch The Notebook.)  Now, you would think that a guy like Scott, with werewolf strength, and an Adonis body . . .

 .  . . would be comfortable enough in his masculinity, to allow a woman, who took a sharp turn, while she was driving him in her car (at least, he didn’t take the damn bike this time – PROGRESS!), to instinctively put her hand out in front of him to keep him from getting whiplash.  But, apparently, not.

The other thing that bugged me about Scott an Allison’s date, was how Scott selfishly ditched EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to attend.  Cutting class is one thing.  But skipping work, missing a parent-teacher conference, skipping out on Sexy Derek, and ignoring his bestie’s increasingly frantic phone calls, is just DOUCHEY with a capital “D!”


“I’m going to KILL YOU . . . and I’m too upset to come up with a witty description of how exactly I’m going to kill you, but I’m just going to do it.  OK?”

And yet, Allison didn’t seem to mind at all, especially considering that, at the end of the date, she basically told Scott, in NO uncertain terms, that she wanted to screw his brains out ASAP.  So, um . . . way to go, Scott . . . I guess . . .

Don’t Worry Stiles, I Find You Attractive!

So, in the last segment, I ranked on Scott a bit, for being kind of a self-centered douche.  Conversely, this segment will function as my Ode to Stiles.  Seriously, how GOOD OF A GUY, is he?  Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson and Lydia hhave been in school with Stiles since they were little kids, and neither has so much as given the poor kid the time of day.  And yet, knowing the traumatic experience both suffered in the opening scenes of the episode, Stiles is genuinely concerned for their well-being. 

He interrogates Jackson’s bestie, Danny, in hopes of getting the 411 on Jackson and Lydia, since, at this point, neither of them have showed up in class.  Danny is a bit evasive, as Jackson has seemingly kept his experience a secret even from HIM.  Then, Stiles gets up the courage to ask Danny a question that’s been bothering him since Episode 2.  “Do you think I’m attractive?”  He asks a bewildered Danny. 

Hmmm . . . though Stiles has publicly expressed his attraction for Lydia, this is, I believe, the THIRD time he has expressed interest in Danny’s evaluation of his hotness.  And I can’t help but wonder whether there is more to these questions than Stiles would like us to believe?  Anybody else with me on this one?

Anyway, Jackson eventually DOES show up for school, but seems pretty freaked out about everything he’s endure.  (More on him later.)

Speaking of Lydia, Good Guy Stiles takes it upon himself to go to her HOUSE after class, to make sure she is OK.  “What the hell is a Stiles?”  Lydia slurs, when her mother announces the guy’s arrival.  As it turns out, our girl Lydia is coping with her Alpha encounter through some HARD CORE DRUGS.

Drunk Lydia is pretty humorous, and is actually flirting pretty heavily with our Stiles, leaning in to him when she talks, and batting her eyebrows in a stoned sort of way.  And yet, Stiles knows the score, teasing Lydia a bit, by trying to get her recite tongue twisters (which she can’t).  Stiles has other motives for wanting to talk to Lydia.  He wants to know what she saw, and confirm that what happened at the video store was, in fact, an Alpha attack, even though authorities assume it was a “mountain lion.”

When asked, Lydia agrees that the thing she saw was a “mountain lion.”  But then, when Stiles shows her a stuffed giraffe, she thinks THAT’S a mountain lion too.  So, much for an eyewitness!  “YOU ARE SO DRUNK!”  He exclaims with amusement.  Then THIS happens . . .



Lest you believe that MTV actually “went there” by showing a BJ on prime time TV, I’m pretty sure Lydia’s head just fell that way.  But you’ve got to admit, especially taken in concert with Stiles’ “O” face, in response, the whole thing is pretty darn titillating / hilarious!  “I’m going to let you get back to your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Stiles mumbles, as he rises from the bed, trying to hide his erection.

“NO!  STAY!  PLEASE STAY!”  Lydia calls out after him.

Though, Stiles is looking cool and calm on the outside, undoubtedly, on the inside, he is doing THIS . . .


 . . . and maybe even a little of THIS . . .

But then Lydia calls him  JACKSON!

Oh well!  It was fun while it lasted, right Stiles?  Before our hero can get up to leave however, Lydia gets a text message, which, of course, Stiles takes it upon himself to read.  And, I bet you will never guess what it is . . .

It’s a sex tape of Stiles and Lydia video of the Alpha taken from the night of the Video Store Murder!

Golly gee!  I wonder who sent it.  Maybe it was “A” from Pretty Little Liars.  It totally sounds like something that b*tch would do!

A question out there to those of you who were watching the episode closer than I was?  Did Stiles pocket Lydia’s phone?  Because I know, at the end, he deleted the Alpha Video, and that doesn’t seem like something Stiles would do, unless it was to protect Lydia’s sanity?  And, if that was the case, wouldn’t it have made more sense for Stiles to send the message from Lydia’s cell phone to his OWN, before deleting it from hers?    Just sayin . . .

Speaking of losing sanity . . .

“We HAVE to stop meeting like this . . .”

“My what big eyes you have, Derek.”

The better to eye -f*&k you with, Jackson”

We find Shirtless Jackson flaunting his wares in the boys locker room . . .


He’s nervous, and paranoid. Jumping at every sound, nervous that someone is watching him.  He heads to the mirror to admire his HOT BOD . . .

He examines the scratch on his neck.  Unlike Scott’s werewolf bite, Jackson’s wounds haven’t healed.  As it turns out, Jackson was right to be nervous, Derek’s stalking him near the locker’s again . . . and he pushes Jackson into one AGAIN.  This time, Jackson is smart enough not to sass the bigger, and stronger Derek.  “I don’t know where Scott is,” he babbles, remembering that THIS was the question that earned Jackson the scratch last time.

But DEREK knows exactly where Scott is he stalks him all the time!.  Right now, he’s more concerned with what Jackson SAW the night of the Video Store Murders.  Jackson claims he didn’t see anything, so Derek leans in close to his lips and starts tongue kissing him asks him to say that again SLOWLY.  Now, Derek claims that this is because his wolfy powers enable him to determine whether a person is lying, just by staring at his lips.   Sounds a bit convenient, if you ask me . . .


Nevertheless, after Jackson seduces Derek with his mouth, Derek becomes convinced enough of his honesty regarding the Alpha, that he ultimately leaves him alone.  But not before he offers one parting shot, in his rivals direction.  “You should really get that checked out,” he remarks, pointing at Jackson’s nail marks, which Derek himself put there.

(There ya go, Derek!  Keep the snark coming!  Mommy LIKE!)

Add the Vet to You Alpha Suspects!