Tag Archives: Man in Black

What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

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10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

[This is a snarky Lost post.  One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode.  If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]

Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .

“Sawyer is DREAMY!”

. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co.  Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers?  So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:

1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

2)  When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy.  You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins. 

Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise. 

No child wants that . . .

3)  You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand?  Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting. 

“Oops!”

Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids!  To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .

4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . .  (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).

“You got THAT right!”

5) Not the favorite child in your family?  That’s OK.  All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER.  That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE.  So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.

Still breastfed, after all these years . . .

6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe!  Don’t be afraid to experiment. 

The Man in Black / Man in White Look?  SO LAST SEASON!

And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not.  There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion.  For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,”  you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;

 or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See?  Evil can wear WHITE too!).

7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.

Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .

8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . .  like the vampires and werewolves do?

Heidi Montag, take note . . .

9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable.  Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,

 a life saver, 

and some swimmies. 

Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .

And, finally . . .

10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”

To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag.  Here’s one I particularly like .  . .

So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life.  Who said television wasn’t educational?

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Lost’s “The Package,” a.k.a “That Snoozy, Filler, Jin/Sun Episode” – Cliff Notes Version

 

Congratulations Yunjin Kim!  Not only did you, apparently, get hitched a couple of days ago, you also got this week’s entire episode of Lost to yourself (well .  . . HALF of the entire episode).  You are officially having the BEST WEEK EVER!  Yay you!

Back by popular demand (or, rather, back as a result of my own recapping laziness), below please find some of the questions that were answered during this installment of Lost.

1) This episode was called “The Package.”  That’s kind of a generic name for an episode, don’t you think?  I mean, last week’s episode title was in Latin.  And the week before, the episode was about HOT SAWYER.  So who even cared what the title was?  What WAS “The Package” supposed to be, anyway?

This . . . was the package . . .

I’m serious!  The package was a PERSON!  It was Desmond Hume!  What?  You thought I was making a joke, just so I could list “Shirtless Desmond” in my tags, and get more hits on my blog?  No way, Jose.  (Not that I WOULDN’T do that . . . I just didn’t do it this time.)

2) So, that guy Charles Widmore, that girl Zoey (who everyone says looks like Tina Fey) and the rest of the people who arrived at Hydra Island on the submarine, what is THEIR DEAL?  Why are they here?

If Charles Widmore was telling the truth when he spoke to Jin tonight (which I am not entirely convinced of yet), the crack team that I lovingly refer to as “Team Subbie” is here to prevent MIB / Smokey from leaving the island.  According to Widmore, if MIB gets free, Jin’s daughter, Ji Yeon (who Jin hasn’t yet had the chance to meet), Widmore’s daughter, Penelope, and Sun will somehow cease to exist.  If true, this would mean that, in terms of goals, Team Subbie is actually aligned with . . .

What the heck Desmond Hume has to do with all this, I still have no idea . . .

3) So, is Kate one of Jacob’s “candidates,” or isn’t she?  MIB certainly seems to think she’s important . . .

Kate used to be one of the candidates.  But, for some reason, is no longer on the list.  However, MIB needs Kate to help him get all of the CURRENT candidates off of the island.  According to MIB, this is necessary in order for HIM (or IT) to leave the island.  This idea sort of jives with what we learned in Ab Aeterno.  Jacob’s original purpose, and that of whichever candidate ultimately becomes his replacement, is to keep MIB, and his evil Smokey powers from leaving the island.  No Jacob, and no Jacob’s replacement = no more island prison for MIB.

4) What about Crazy Claire?  Was she ever on Jacob’s list?

NO!  (That was an easy one . . .)

5) One of the candidates on Jacob’s List is “Kwon.”  No one seems entirely sure whether that last name refers to Jin or Sun.  Seeing as this was a JIN AND SUN episode, did we get any closer to figuring this out?

You would think so, wouldn’t you?  Unfortunately, Lost writers are still sort of playing “hide the ball” on this one.  However, there were some hints given in the episode that would seem to suggest that JIN is the candidate. 

First, there was Widmore’s extreme interest in getting Jin to the Hydra.  Second, during this episode, the writers highlighted the fact that Sun’s maiden name was “Paik,” not “Kwon.”  (Note: In flash-sideways world, Sun and Jin are lovers, but not married.)  Third, Widmore’s cryptic comments about Sun “ceasing to exist” if MIB escapes the island; coupled with the flash-sideways images of Sun, shot and bleeding from the stomach, don’t bode particularly well for her . . .

But, then again, this is Lost, so all of this may end up meaning absolutely NOTHING!

6) Speaking of Lost stuff that initially SEEMS important to the overall mythology, but ends up meaning NOTHING, what was the deal with Room 23 — that place from back in Season 3, where Ben imprisoned Carl and forced him to watch that bizarre brain washy video?

Yeah, this was a bit of a cop out on Lost’s part, if you ask me.  The Room was mentioned during this episode, seemingly, only to be explained away in a few hastily written sentences.  Widmore inexplicably decided to keep Jin in Room 23, during this episode.  When the familiar video images pop on the screen, and majorly freak out our poor Korean gangster, Zoey explains that the “Dharma Initiative” used the Room to “experiment with subliminal messaging” . . . LAME!

7) In Sayid’s episode, Sundown, his flash-sideways world featured Jin bound and gagged in a restaurant freezer.  Was that explained tonight?

“Why is everybody always picking on ME?”

Good question, Jin.  And, yes, as it turns out, in flash-sideways world, Sergeant Keamy . . .

was hired by Sun’s daddy to kill Jin, for, literally, screwing, with the boss’s daughter.  Keamy never got a chance to do this, however, because RAMBO SAYID shot his ass before he got the chance . . .

I’m still not entirely sure, why all of this had to go down in a restaurant, though.  Seems kind of random, to me  .  . .  What exactly do you have against RESTAURANTS, Lost writers?  What did they ever do to you?

8 ) Remember that awesome patch-wearing dude Mikhail, who never EVER seemed to die, no matter what anybody did to him?  Why does he have to wear an eyepatch all the time?

OK . . . OK.  This was a bit of a stretch.  Of ALL the questions posed by the show Lost during the course of six seasons, I highly doubt that THIS was the one that was keeping you awake at night.  However, you have to admit, it was pretty cool of the Lost writers to pay homage to “Patchy” again, after all this time. 

This guy is AWESOME!

If you recall, in the original timeline, Mikhail was a hard core Other who just WOULDN’T die!  The dude was blown up, beaten up, shot and/or electrocuted, in every SINGLE episode in which he appeared, but he just kept coming back for more.  In flash-sideways world, Mikhail is a multi-lingual emissary of Keamy, and by extension, Sun’s father. 

Toward the end of the episode, Mikhail is shot dead by Jin, but also sustains an eye injury.   Mere coincidence?  Or, is there, perhaps, some real and lasting connection between the flash-sideways world inhabited by the Losties, and the original timeline?

Well, that’s all I got, folks.  Tune in next week, when we will hopefully be treated to much more Shirtless Desmond Hume and his super sexy Scottish brogue . . . oh, and maybe, get some more questions answered too.

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Lost’s “Ab Aeterno” – Cliff Notes Version (Contains SPOILERS, obviously . . .)

Now, before you get all riled up, let me explain . . .

Tonight’s episode of Lost presented me with a bit of a conundrum.  You see, I have this little ritual I like to follow on Tuesday nights.  And “Ab Aeterno” totally f-ed it up. 

You see, normally, I watch my hour of Lost, with notepad in hand.  And then, immediately afterward, I plop down in front of my computer to draft a recap (complete with pictures  . . . some of Lost stuff, some of other stuff that I happen to find cool at the moment).  The purpose of my recap is to generally detail the events of the episode, and the small tidbits of information I gleaned from it, in a manner that is mildly sarcastic, and (I hope) a little bit funny.

The problem here is that Ab Aeterno was so jam-packed with information and answered questions, that I couldn’t imagine being able to succinctly convey all of the “facts,” while still successfully telling a story, let alone, being mildly sarcastic and/or at all funny . . .

Therefore, this is what I decided to do . . . I’m going provide YOU with a short and sweet list of of the long- held questions that tonight’s episode of Lost finally answered.  Then, once that’s out of the way, I’ll come back and tackle the story of the episode, in another blog entry (assuming my brain isn’t too fried, of course) . . .

So, without further adieu, here’s Lost “Ab Aeterno”:  the Cliff Notes version . . .

“Shut up and start talking!”

1) What the F does Ab Aeterno mean?

Ab Aeterno is a Latin term meaning “from eternity” or “since the beginning.”  I presume in Lost world it refers to the struggle between:

 Jacob versus the Man In Black a.k.a. Smokey AND/OR

The Man Upstairs versus The Devil AND/OR

Heaven versus Hell AND/OR

Life versus Death (Bet you didn’t know Lost was going to get all religious on you, did you?)

2) Why the F doesn’t Richard Alpert ever age?  And where can I get some of that for myself?

Still sexy after ALL these years . . . (and years, and years . . .)

Richard Alpert doesn’t age because he is immortal.  Richard received this “gift” from Jacob, in return for agreeing to work for Jacob against the latter’s nemesis, Man in Black a.k.a. Smokey. 

And, no, YOU can’t get any of that for yourself because YOU don’t work for Jacob.  So, YOU are going to have to get old and moldy and eventually die, like everyone else on this planet.

Sorry!

3) What do you mean Richard “works for Jacob?”  What exactly does he do?

Richard’s job is to work as Jacob’s emissary on the Island.  He is supposed to influence the Losties to do “good,” and help them to avoid the temptation to sin.

4) Huh?  Why the heck does Jacob care what the Losties do?  Why doesn’t he just mind his own beeswax?

Jacob Butt-in-ski

You see, Jacob and Man in Black / Smokey have had this little running argument going on since the dawn of time.  Man in Black (MIB for short) believes that people are inherently EEVVILL, and can be made BAD, with just the slightest push in the wrong direction.  Jacob, conversely, believes people are inherently GOOD. 

 So, to test out his little theory, Jacob keeps making people with dubious pasts crash onto the island, so that he can REDEEM them, and show MIB what’s what!

5) Man in Black / Smokey keeps talking about wanting to “Go Home.”  He seems like a pretty powerful mother f-er to me!  Why doesn’t he just LEAVE?

Remember that story you read when you were little, called Pandora’s Box?  You know the one where Pandora had this box that housed all the evil in the world.  And when she opened it, all the evil escaped?  Well, according to Jacob, the Island is kind of like “Pandora’s wine bottle.” 

Man in Black / Smokey is an EVVVIIIIL force swirling around in a vaccuum, kind of like wine in a bottle.  The island is like the bottle’s cork.  It keeps the EVVVIILLL from escaping out into the real world . . .

6) What’s the deal with Team Jacob?  Why are its members’ names listed on Jacob’s wheel and Man in Black / Smokey’s cabin wall?  And why is Ilana stuck protecting them all?

You see, EVVVILLL MIB believes that he can escape the island if, and only IF, he kills Jacob.  Worried that MIB is correct in his assumption, Jacob has to keep finding replacements for himself.  These replacements will ultimately take over Jacob’s task of keeping new Losties “good” and preventing MIB from blowing this island popsicle stand. 

Both MIB and Jacob appear to be “keeping score” on Jacob’s prospective replacements, in their own way.  When one prospective replacement dies or “turns bad,” he is crossed off both of their lists.  (Score One for Team EEVVILL.) 

Ilana has the dubious honor of keeping the prospective replacements both “good” and “alive.”

7) How about that slave ship, The Black Rock, that was found shipwrecked on the island?  How did that get there?

The Black Rock was a ship owned by Mangus Hanso during the late 19th century. (Get it?  HANSO, as in the “Hanso Foundation?” You know, the group that started the Dharma Initiative on the Island back in the 70’s?) 

The Black Rock washed up on the island, as a result of a tidal wave, back in 1867.  Richard first arrived on the island as a prisoner on that ship.  Yeah, he’s THAT old . . .

8) Is your brain hurting as much as mine is right now?

 More later, kiddies . . .

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Benjamin Linus is My New TV Boyfriend! – A Recap of Lost’s “Mr. Linus”

Just look at that come hither stare . . .  Who knew history teachers could be so sexy?

WARNING: This recap might not be particularly snarky.  After all, I am in love (with Benjamin Linus!).  And one of the side effects of falling in love is a complete loss of one’s sense of humor . . .

Who would have thought that the most uplifting, feel-good, episode of the entire Lost series, thus far, would belong to a character that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the best television villians of all time?  For all those women out there (myself included) who have always dreamed of roping in and taming a bad boy, this episode was the ultimate fantasy come true.  If Michael Emerson does not win an Emmy for his performance in “Mr. Linus,” the entire Academy of Television Arts and Sciences deserves to suffer the wrath of Smokey!

And when it comes to the Emmys, Smokey does NOT mess around!

But in order to truly understand the full extent of Benjamin Linus’s current redemption, both in flash-sideways world, and in real time, we should probably go back and revisit the single worst moment in the character’s entire life: the death of his adoptive daughter, Alex Rousseau.

At the time, Benjamin Linus and his band of Others were living at the island Barracks.  Things were going peachy for Ben, until his nemesis, Charles Widmore, sent over his head minion, Army Drill Sergeant from Hell, Martin Keamy, to ensure Ben’s surrender and departure from the island.  By way of collateral, Keamy kidnapped Ben’s adoptive teenage daughter Alex, and brought her to Ben’s house with a gun to her head.  Keamy told Ben to either surrender immediately or watch his daughter die.  Ben thought Keamy was bluffing, and stayed put.  He wasn’t.

A Principal Without Principles . . .

Back in flash-sideways world, Ben and his father left the island, presumably before all the sh*t hit the fan down there.  Now Ben is a reluctant European History teacher at a high school, desperately seeking more excitement from his humdrum life.  In his opening scene, Ben teaches his students about Napoleon’s exhile to Elba, an obvious metaphor for Ben’s own meteoric rise and fall as “The Chosen” One on Lost island.  

I love when Lost gets all “literary” on us.  You can bet that this episode’s shout out to the above-referenced book (apparently the castaways on-Island library offers both this tome and porn), will send hard core Losties racing to their nearest bookstores in search of clues . . .

“Elba was where Napoleon faced his greatest test.  Exhile wasn’t the worst of his fate.  It was the truly devastating loss of power.  Sure, they allowed him to keep the title of emperor.  But without his power, everything was meaningless.  He might as well have been dead,”  Dr. Linus tellingly, instructs.

Flash Sideways Ben’s only joy comes from being able to run the school’s History Club, and tutor its student members, especially Alex Rousseau (who, in this timeline, is a precocious teen with aspirations to attend Yale).  That is until the school principal cancels the club, citing “budget cuts.”  (Really?  How “expensive” is some lame club where all students do is get together and talk about history?)

When Ben vents his frustrations to his colleagues, former Flight 815er Doc Arzt and new “Substitute” John Locke, the latter suggests that Ben take on the principal position for himself.    The opportunity to do this arises, when Alex admits to Ben that she saw the Principal engaged in illicit activity with one of the school nurses.  With Doc Arzt’s help, Ben hacks into the Principal’s computer and finds e-mails implicating the Principal in the aforementioned naughty conduct. 

Ben confronts the Principal with aims to blackmail him and usurp his position.  However, the Principal warns Ben that, if he does this, the former will take revenge on Alex (just as Keamy did — on a significantly smaller scale, of course) by single-handedly ruining the young girl’s chances of attending the principal’s alma mater, Yale.  This time, Ben chooses Alex.  As a result, he doesn’t get to be principal . . . but at least he gets his History Club back?

And thus, our Flash-Sideways World Ben has redeemed himself.  Something Flash-Sideways Sayid was unable to do last week . . .

Ben and Team Jacob, BFF (Best Friends Forever For Now)

If last week’s Lost episode focused on Smokey and his dastardly team of crazies, this week’s episode spotlighted the above-referenced opposing team, led by Ilana, the Candidate Bodyguard.

“And Iiiiiiiiii, eeeee iiiii, will always love Jacccob!” 

(Yeah, I’m not really a fan of Ilana’s, so far.  The character is a bit like the above song, only one-note, and a highly annoying one at that.)

When Miles “I Communicate with Dead People” (or, in this case, Dead Ash) Straum conveniently leaks to Ilana that Ben killed her “father figure” Jacob, she gets a little pissed off at our boy.  So pissed off, in fact, that she chains his leg to a stake and forces him to dig his own grave.

Speaking of death wishes, Richard Alpert, he of the guy liner and the never-aging face . . .

finds himself exhausted, from a life of serving Jacob, and always looking so damn pretty day in and day out.  His solution, therefore,  is to off himself, a la Bill Murrary in Groundhog Day.

Yeah, it didn’t work for him either . . .

Apparently, one of the rules of Lost island, is that, if you are Jacob’s candidate, you can’t end your own life.  Someone else has to do it for you.  I guess this would explain why former candidate Michael Dawson couldn’t shoot himself in the episode “Meet Kevin Johnson” but was able to die later when the submarine he was on exploded. 

Richard Alpert must have watched “Meet Kevin Johnson,” because he commandeers Jack and Hurley to light his ass on fire with a stick of dynamite.  Hurley bails on the plan, but Jack stays and sets the dynamite aflame.  Jack tells Richard that both of them are meant to be on this island . . . alive.  Therefore, he is certain that the stick of dynamite will not explode.  He is right . . .

Meet Jack Shephard – Man of Science  Man of Faith

While Jack and Richard are busy NOT blowing themselves to smithereens, Smokey is visiting Ben, offering him a means to escape Ilana’s clutches and join the Darkside.

Smokey tries to entice Ben, by offering him the opportunity to govern the island once again.  After all, just like Napoleon, Island Ben has always been a man driven by power.  Ben takes Locke’s advice and makes a break for it.  But he soon finds himself at a standoff with a Ilana. 

Instead of shooting her, as old Ben would likely have done without so much of a thought, a tearful Ben explains to Ilana how his anger over sacrificing his daughter to serve Jacob and the island, ultimately, caused him to kill Jacob, an action he deeply regrets.

When Ilana asks Ben why he has chosen Team Smokey, Ben admits that Smokey is “the only one who will have him.” 

The line is one of the most endearing of the evening, as it paints Ben as an outsider – one who, deep down, just wants to have friends.   Ilana must have agreed with me, because, instead of simply letting Ben go, she replies, “I’ll have you.” 

(Don’t you be taking Ben from me, Ilana!  He’s MINE now!  All MINE!)

At the episode’s conclusion, Jack, Hurley, and Richard, reunite with Ilana, Sun, Lapidus, Miles, and, of course, Ben.   And thus, Team Jacob is born.

Team Jacob is definitely the underdog in this matchup.  After all, there are no supernatural powers in this group (not aging is cool and all, but it doesn’t really help you in a fight, unless your opponent is one of the Golden Girls . . )

Yet, my money is still on Team Jacob.  I think they will be the Cinderella story of the season.  How about you?

Oh, and I almost forgot, in the last few seconds of the episode, something EVIL made its way through the ocean toward the Losties . . .

No, not that.  It was just Charles Widmore in a submarine.  Still, pretty scary, no?

Well, that’s all she wrote, Lost fans.  What did you think?  Are you ready to start the Michael Emerson Emmy campaign with me?  Is your money also on Team Jacob for winning the Lost ultimate showdown?  Do you think Charles Widmore will fight for Team Smokey, or does he have his own agenda to accomplish on Lost island?

Only time (travel) will tell . . .

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Awesomeness Incarnate: A Recap of Lost’s “Sundown”

“I see dead people (because I killed them).”

Tonight’s installment of Lost, in my opinion, truly harkened back to the show’s iconic first season.  Back then, the show was less about mythology, time travel, scientific theory, and zombies, and more about castaways.  At its core, early Lost was about PEOPLE, just like you and me (only hotter, less hygenic, and more often shirtless).

Yeah . . . Sawyer wasn’t actually in this episode.  I just felt the need to share this picture with you, because it’s yummy.

During the first season of the series, we watched the Losties battle their inner demons, justify their pasts, and struggle to survive the island elements.  As the series progressed, and its mythology grew more complex, Lost lost some of that simplicity.  “Sundown,” in my opinion, brought it back in a big way.  It was a simple episode.  One that even a non-fan of the show could have understood and enjoyed, which is not to say that it didn’t have its action-packed OMFG moments . . . . 

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

In one of the series’ early flashbacks, a young Sayid cared for and protected his older brother by committing an act of violence (killing a chicken), when his brother could not do so.  In his flash sideways . . . well . . .

In virtually all of the flash-sideways that we have seen thus far, the main character has had the opportunity to experience some form of redemption, righting the wrongs of his or her past in an alternate present.  Sayid’s flash sideways is unique in that it is NOT about redemption . . . at least not entirely. 

Like Locke, following Flight 815’s safe landing, Sayid travels to a suburban neighborhood, and is greeted with a hug at the doorstep by the woman he loves.  Unlike Locke, however, the object of Sayid’s affection belongs to another man, namely his older brother, Omer.

Although Sayid is often away on “business” (i.e. killing and torturing people) it becomes immediately apparent that he is very close with his family.  Sayid is a beloved uncle to his niece and nephew, and a close confidant to his sister-in-law.  Based on the looks Nadia and Sayid give one another across the kitchen table, you can immediatelly tell there is something serious between them.  This fact is not lost on big brother Omer, who eyes the pair with jealous suspicion.  Nor does it escape the notice of Omer’s children, who quickly find a photograph of Nadia packed away in Sayid’s suitcase.

Once alone, Nadia confronts Sayid about why the pair never acted on their obvious mutual affection for one another.  She has opened her heart to him in letters, and he has continually pushed her away.  Sayid stares at Nadia regretfully, recalling all of his past misdeeds, and replies, “I do not deserve you.”

In this way, the Sayid of Flash Sideways World HAS redeemed himself.  Having had to live with the regret of knowing that his murderous lifestyle resulted in Nadia’s untimely death in the “real world,” Sayid is able to prevent her demise in this world.  He does this by remaining apart from her, no matter how much doing so kills him inside.  Sayid seems to be continuing on this redemptive path, when his brother wakes him in the middle of the night begging for his help. 

Omer apparently has bargained the family fortune and is now indebted to some highly unsavory characters.  In no uncertain terms, he asks Sayid to beat the crap out of these people, so that they will leave Omer alone.  Sayid declines, claiming that this part of his life is over.  The next day, Omer is put in the hospital, after having been beat down by the goons to whom he is indebted.  At the hospital, Nadia begs Sayid not to intervene.  She instructs him instead to go home and be with her children.

Surprisingly, Sayid does as he is told.  Unforunately, the goons pick Sayid up outside Omer’s house.  In what was, in my opinion, the only weak point in the episode, the goons, who were led by none other than Charles Widmore’s mercenary, Martin Keamy, from the original Lost  timeline,  bring Sayid to an abandoned restaurant.  Here, they proceed to throw at him every mafia cliche in the book, from the faux polite offers of food, to a dude held hostage in the meat locker (but we will get to him later . . .)

“Get the f&*k outta here!  Posers!”

Paulie Walnuts Martin tries to bully Sayid into forking over the cash his brother owes.  However, Mob Man’s tune quickly changes when Sayid, without a moment’s hesitation, pulls out a gun and shoots his two minions.  Martin, now fearing for his life, tries to reason with Sayid, offering to immediately forgive Omer’s entire debt.  However, Martin’s plea is met with nothing more than a bullet in his chest. 

Poor Sayid, you try to be a nice guy, and, what happens?  You end up committing triple homicide.  It just isn’t fair!

“Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in!”

Oh, and did I mention that Sayid found Jin stuck in the restaurant’s meat locker?

Bad to the Bone

Back in real time, Sayid confronts Dogen at the Temple, seeking answers.  Of course, he doesn’t just want answers, he wants the TRUTH!

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH, SAYID!”

 . . . sorry.  I couldn’t resist.

Dogen explains to Sayid that he had hooked the latter up to a machine calibrated to measure good and evil.  Unfortunately for Sayid, his scale “tipped the wrong way.”  This is why Dogen has been trying to kill Sayid.

Good and evil.  Light and dark.  Dogen’s monologue brought to mind Locke’s infamous backgammon speech from season one.

Having provided Sayid with the requested “answers,” Yoda Dogen then proceeds to attack Sayid.  After performing some crazy Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon– type moves, the spry Dogen pins Sayid to the ground, while holding a knife to his neck. 

Then, oddly enough, a baseball rolls to the ground, and, upon seeing it, Dogen decides to spare Sayid’s life.  (He must really like baseball . . .)

“If you build it, you can LIVE!”

Then, Crazy Claire comes to the Temple and tells Dogen that Nu-Locke (or Man in Black or whatever the heck the cool kids are calling him these days) wants to talk to him.  Dogen refuses to leave the Sanctuary of the Temple, claiming that Nu Locke can kill him out in the jungle.  Claire then suggests that Dogen send someone Nu Locke will not kill.  Dogen sets his sights on the man he just decided not to kill: Sayid.  Claire is then tossed in an underground sort of prison made specially for island loonies just like her .  . .

Just hanging out . . . killing some time . . . among other things.”

Offering Sayid a chance to prove his “goodness,” Dogen gives the former his knife and tells him to kill Nu Locke, who he describes as “evil incarnate.”  (Because nothing says “goodness” like premeditated murder).

“I have been waiting for you Obi Wan.”

Nu-Locke soon appears just outside the Temple.  And, Sayid, who clearly loves a good kill,  immediately stabs him in the chest.  Nu-Locke then surprises Sayid by extracting the sword easily from his stomach, without leaving so much as a pinprick behind.  Instead of teasing Sayid for his clearly crappy mercenary skills, Nu Locke offers Sayid the chance to see his beloved Nadiya once again, if he agrees to deliver a message on Nu-Locke’s behalf, thereby selling his soul to Evil Incarnate, himself.

Here’s the basic gist of the message Sayid delivers to the inhabitants of the Temple: Jacob is dead.  Leave the Temple by Sundown, and join Team Evil Incarnate, or Nu-Locke will kill YOU. 

After delivering the message, Sayid drowns Dogen as punishment for the latter’s failure to warn Sayid about the whole “Nu-Locke can’t die” thing.  Sayid then kills Dogen’s sidekick, Lennon, for . . . ummmm . . . just being Lennon . . . I guess.

“Aufwiedersehen, Lennon and Dogen.  You are OUT!”

Meanwhile, Kate returns to the Temple and finds Crazy Claire in her underground hidey hole singing to herself the iconic and oddly creepy song “Catch a Falling Star,” the same song Kate had sung to baby Aaron while mothering him off the island.  When Crazy Claire explains that she is here to retrieve her baby, whom the Others have kidnapped,  Kate explains to Claire that SHE has been the one taking care of Aaron all of these years . . .  not the Others.

“Hmmm . . . maybe it wasn’t such a good idea . . . telling her that.”

If you recall, last week, Crazy Claire told the currently MIA Jin that if she found out that Kate had, in fact, taken her child, she would KILL Kate . . .   Claire then cryptically informs Kate that “He’s coming and you can’t stop him,” before Kate is dragged away by the Temple guards.

 Losties Ben, Sun, Lapidus, and Ilana, arrive at the Temple, and reunite with Miles, moments before Sundown.  Just in time for all Hell (no pun intended) to break loose.  Ladies and Gentleman, Smokey has entered the building . . .

  . . . can prevent Evil Incarnate fires!

Within moments, the Temple is filled with deadly smoke, and people are running every which way to avoid being disintegrated by it.  It looks like something out of a badly scripted and poorly acted, but big budget, apocalyptic blockbuster.

“Yeah, just like that . . .”

Ilana finds a secret porthole in the Temple and ushers the rest of her Lostie gang to safety.  Ben finds Sayid staring morosely at the darkened waters, and beckons him toward the porthole.  “There is still time,” he pleads.

“Not for me,” replies Sayid.

 Ben, who is nothing if not good at saving his own ass, quickly retreats, leaving Sayid by his now-evil lonesome.  But you know who is not good at saving her own ass?  Kate!  In the midst of all this chaos, Kate actually decides to go back and rescue Crazy Claire, who just doesn’t seem to want saving“You’ll be safer down here,” offers Nutjob, and Kate actually listens!

This is not exactly the kind of gal you want in your foxhole with you.  For starters, the girl hasn’t showered in THREE YEARS!  The smell alone might kill you . . .

Fortunately for Kate, the Smoke monster passes right by Claire and her, leaving them virtually untouched.  Then, just as soon as it began, the Smoke vanishes.  Kate follows Claire out of her hidey hole, surveying the destruction and carnage around her in horror, as she exits the Temple. 

In the last few moments of the episode, Kate watches, awestruck, as Claire and Sayid join Nu Locke and the rest of his new creepy zombie minions out in the darkness of the jungle . . .

Frankly, the episode’s conclusion frightened me . . . a lot!  I need someone to give me ahug.  Where’s Shirtless Sawyer when you need him?

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It’s The Locke Comedy Hour! – A Recap of Lost’s “The Substitute”

This week’s installment of Lost kind of reminded me of a sitcom, complete with running gags, a catchphrase, and Peggy Bundy from Married with Children.

Here’s the pitch.  Charlie Brown is all grown up, and is now suffering the slings and arrows of late middle age.  (Then again, Charlie Brown has been bald since age 8.  So, at least that part of the aging process is easy for him.)  Unfortunately, due to a freak accident involving an ex-girlfriend and a football, he has been confined to a wheelchair . . .

But that doesn’t mean he can’t have madcap adventures!  This groundbreaking new sitcom is called . . . wait for it . . .  “You’re Getting Old, Charlie Brown.”

Starring John Locke as Charlie Brown .  . .

Hurley as Pig Pen . . .

Rose as Marcy . . .


With special guest star Benjamin Linus as Linus!

So, without further adieu, let’s roll the credits, sing along to the cheesy theme song, and tune in for The Locke Comedy Hour!

Nobody Tells Old Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (Except Everybody Does)

When we last left our bald-headed friend in Flash Sideways World, he was at the airport, filing a claim for his lost luggage  (a case containing his spiffy knife collection), and gabbing it up with spinal surgeon, Jack Shepard, who offered the wheelchair bound “Man of Faith” his business card.  Now Locke is heading back to his cute little ranch home in the suburbs.  In a running joke that pops up throughout the episode, the thingamajigger in Locke’s car that raises and lowers his wheelchair to the street, gets stuck, causing him to face plant on his freshly mowed grass (insert laugh track here).

Eventually, Locke rights himself and enters his home, where he receives a warm welcome from his fiancé Helen (Peg Bundy in the flesh!). 

Just a sidenote . . .

If you recall, in Original Lost World, Helen left Locke when he refused to break ties with his con man biological father, Anthony Cooper, who had  convinced Locke to donate him his kidney and then promptly abandoned him after he did so.  After Helen disappeared, Locke became involved with Cooper again.  The latter pushed Locke out of an 8th story window when Locke tried to intervene in a con Cooper had orchestrated.  It was this fall that resulted in Locke being confined to a wheelchair.

In Flash Sideways World, Locke is already in a wheelchair, but Helen is obviously still in his life.  It is unclear when, in the context of this universe, Helen returned to Locke.  Additionally, when discussing their upcoming nuptials, Helen mentions having a small wedding with both her own and Locke’s parents.  Presumably, Helen is referring to Locke’s adoptive parents and NOT his sociopathic biological dad.  Yet, as all bets tend to be off in Flash Sideways World, we cannot be too sure.

Although in the season’s premiere episode, Locke spoke with Boone on the plane about attending the Australian walkabout, when Locke speaks to Helen and his D-bag boss Randy, he only refers to a “conference” that he attended while in Australia.  D-bag Randy (1) catches Locke in a lie about this “conference;” (2) determines that Locke attended the walkabout instead; and (3) promptly fires him.  In the parking lot, a recently unemployed Locke AGAIN can’t get his chair mover thingamajigger to work, because another car is parked too close to his own (insert laugh track here).

Fortunately, the owner of the car comes to Locke’s rescue.  And it’s . . . HURLEY! 

Not at all peeved that an angry Locke tried to bash in his car, Rich Lottery-Winning Hurley, who just so happens to own the box company that just fired Locke, passes him the number to a temp agency that he also owns (Who knew this guy had such an entrepreneurial spirit?) and promises  Locke a new job.

Locke travels to the temp agency and promptly asks to speak to the supervisor there.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  Time’s up!  It’s ROSE!

Locke demands that Rose give him a job at a construction site.  In support of his job qualifications, Locke shouts what will no doubt become the hottest catch phrase in television history.  “Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (Insert audience applause).

(OK, maybe the second hottest catchphrase . . . Sorry Arnold.)

Rose, however, WILL NOT be won over by catchphrases.  She puts Locke in his place, stressing the importance of accepting one’s limitations in order to lead a full life.  Her admission that her life is “better” now that she has come to terms with her terminal cancer diagnosis is both ironic and poignant, seeing as BOTH Rose and Locke have been cured of their respective ailments in Island World.  (Then again . . . in island world Locke is dead . . . soooo . . .)

Locke ultimately takes Rose’s advice.  He comes clean to Helen about the humiliation he experienced when he was denied the opportunity to participate in the Australian walkabout.   He then, tears up Jack’s business card, determined not to spend his life seeking treatments he knows will not cure him (so much for the Man of Faith . . .).  Ultimately, Locke accepts a job from the temp agency as a SUBSTITUTE teacher  (See how they used the episode title there?  Clever right?). 

In the teachers’ lounge, Locke encounters a curmudgeony history teacher bitching about the other teachers’ failure to clean the coffee pot after usage.  And that curmudgeony teacher is . . . 

BENJAMIN LINUS (Insert thunderous applause for our special guest star!)

And that ends our flash-sideways portion of the evening.  As you can see, not too much happened here to advance the general plotline . . .

Nobody Tells Nu-Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (No . . . Really . . .  NO ONE!)

Back in our original timeline, Nu-Locke is traveling around in style, using his favorite mode of transportation, a black cloud of smoke.  And I have to say, I’m a bit jealous.  Walking to the subway station on the way to work can be so time consuming and tedious sometimes.  All those darn people are always getting in my way!  Now, if I could travel Smokey style, that would be a completely different story.

According to the remaining female survivor of Jacob’s followers (Nu-Locke killed the rest under the guise of Smokey, two weeks ago), Nu-Locke is now “trapped” in Locke’s form and is “looking for recruits” to help him get off the island.  Locke’s first candidate for a recruit is Richard Alpert.  Unfortunately, Alpert is a no go, because he is on . . .

Next, Nu Locke turns to Sawyer, who is still moping over Juliet, and is busy getting wasted in the cabin where he and she used to live.  Unlike Richard Alpert, Sawyer doesn’t need to be on Team Jacob, or any team, for that matter, because he looks like this . . .

With nothing to lose, now that the love of his life is gone, Sawyer follows Nu-Locke into the jungle, enticed by Nu-Locke’s offer to show him the answer to the question that has been plaguing Lost fans for 6 seasons now: Why is Sawyer [or any Lostie for that matter] on this crazy Island?

While Nu-Locke and Sawyer are heading off on their madcap adventure, back at the beach, Jacob’s sole surviving follower convinces Ben, Sun, and Lapidus to travel with her to the Temple where the rest of the Losties are currently stationed.  Before they can go, however, they have to dispose of Old Locke’s body.  The gang dig a hole and perform an impromptu burial of their sort-of friend.  However, when it comes time to provide a eulogy, no one seems all that excited to speak on Dead Old Locke’s behalf.

Finally, Ben decides to say a few words.  “John Locke was a Believer,” he says.  “He was a Man of Faith.  He was a better man than I will ever be.  I’m sorry I murdered him.”

Haha.  I have to agree with Lapidus when he says, “Weirdest funeral ever!”

Back in the jungle, Richard Alpert tries to warn Sawyer to stay away from Nu-Locke, but Sawyer ignores him.  Sawyer isn’t the only traveler to have to cope with an unwelcome visitor, however.  Locke keeps seeing a ghostly blonde boy in the jungle.  The boy approaches Locke and says, cryptically, “You can’t kill him.”

It is uncertain who this little boy is, or to whom exactly he is referring.  Is it Jacob (who Nu Locke seemingly already killed) or Sawyer?

Nu-Locke is apparently as confused by these remarks as we are . . . confused and pissed.  Angrily, he responds, “No one tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (And there’s that catch phrase again . . .)

When Nu-Locke informs Sawyer that the answer to his “Why You Are Here” riddle is at the bottom of a steep cliff overlooking the ocean, I start to think that the little boy was referring to Sawyer after all.  I instantly became very worried that Nu-Locke was about to take his “Can Do” Attitude to a whole new level of evil  by offing Sawyer (which would be awful, in my opinion, because Sawyer is way too hot to die).  Understandably, I was pleasantly surprised, and more than a bit relieved, when Nu-Locke rescued Sawyer, after the latter ran into some trouble climbing down the cliff. 

Once on the ground, safe and sound, Nu-Locke leads Sawyer into a tunnel adorned by a small scale with a white ball on one side and a black ball on the other.  Nu-Locke smiles cryptically before tossing the white ball into the ocean.  “Inside joke,” he explains to Sawyer, causing us Losties to recall Old Locke’s “Backgammon is Life” analogy from season 1.

Fitting isn’t it?  After all,  Jacob’s Nemesis/ Nu-Locke  is typically referred to as the “Man in Black.”

Once inside the tunnel, Nu-Locke shows Sawyer that it’s walls are filled with the crossed out names of former Island inhabitants.  However, SOME names have not yet been crossed out.  Nu-Locke explains that these names represent the “candidates” that Jacob manipulated to come to the Island and protect it.  Each name is accompanied by a number because “Jacob had a thing for numbers,” says Nu Locke.

Of course, the “numbers” that accompany the names are none other than those special numbers that have been plaguing Losties for six seasons.  Here are the names that weren’t crossed out and their accompanying numbers:

4-Locke (Nu-Locke crosses this one out himself – CAN DO, CAN DO!)

8-Reyes (Hurley)

15-Ford (Sawyer)

16-Jarrah (Sayid the Zombie)

23-Shephard (Jack)

42-Kwon (Jin?  or Sun?)

Noticeably absent from this list are Benjamin Linus, Miles Straume, and Kate Austen, all of whom are still very much present in the Lost universe.  I’m not sure whether this bodes well for any of them . . .

So, there you have it folks.  What did you think?  Will Sawyer join forces with the Mysterious Man in Black to get off the island?  Are Ben, Miles and Kate, long for the Lost world?  Will the Locke sitcom make it past its pilot episode? 

Tune in next week, where, undoubtedly, none of these questions will be answered, but a few more will be asked . . . Although, it is the last season, so maybe I’m wrong . . . I hope so!

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