Lost’s “Ab Aeterno” – Cliff Notes Version (Contains SPOILERS, obviously . . .)

Now, before you get all riled up, let me explain . . .

Tonight’s episode of Lost presented me with a bit of a conundrum.  You see, I have this little ritual I like to follow on Tuesday nights.  And “Ab Aeterno” totally f-ed it up. 

You see, normally, I watch my hour of Lost, with notepad in hand.  And then, immediately afterward, I plop down in front of my computer to draft a recap (complete with pictures  . . . some of Lost stuff, some of other stuff that I happen to find cool at the moment).  The purpose of my recap is to generally detail the events of the episode, and the small tidbits of information I gleaned from it, in a manner that is mildly sarcastic, and (I hope) a little bit funny.

The problem here is that Ab Aeterno was so jam-packed with information and answered questions, that I couldn’t imagine being able to succinctly convey all of the “facts,” while still successfully telling a story, let alone, being mildly sarcastic and/or at all funny . . .

Therefore, this is what I decided to do . . . I’m going provide YOU with a short and sweet list of of the long- held questions that tonight’s episode of Lost finally answered.  Then, once that’s out of the way, I’ll come back and tackle the story of the episode, in another blog entry (assuming my brain isn’t too fried, of course) . . .

So, without further adieu, here’s Lost “Ab Aeterno”:  the Cliff Notes version . . .

“Shut up and start talking!”

1) What the F does Ab Aeterno mean?

Ab Aeterno is a Latin term meaning “from eternity” or “since the beginning.”  I presume in Lost world it refers to the struggle between:

 Jacob versus the Man In Black a.k.a. Smokey AND/OR

The Man Upstairs versus The Devil AND/OR

Heaven versus Hell AND/OR

Life versus Death (Bet you didn’t know Lost was going to get all religious on you, did you?)

2) Why the F doesn’t Richard Alpert ever age?  And where can I get some of that for myself?

Still sexy after ALL these years . . . (and years, and years . . .)

Richard Alpert doesn’t age because he is immortal.  Richard received this “gift” from Jacob, in return for agreeing to work for Jacob against the latter’s nemesis, Man in Black a.k.a. Smokey. 

And, no, YOU can’t get any of that for yourself because YOU don’t work for Jacob.  So, YOU are going to have to get old and moldy and eventually die, like everyone else on this planet.

Sorry!

3) What do you mean Richard “works for Jacob?”  What exactly does he do?

Richard’s job is to work as Jacob’s emissary on the Island.  He is supposed to influence the Losties to do “good,” and help them to avoid the temptation to sin.

4) Huh?  Why the heck does Jacob care what the Losties do?  Why doesn’t he just mind his own beeswax?

Jacob Butt-in-ski

You see, Jacob and Man in Black / Smokey have had this little running argument going on since the dawn of time.  Man in Black (MIB for short) believes that people are inherently EEVVILL, and can be made BAD, with just the slightest push in the wrong direction.  Jacob, conversely, believes people are inherently GOOD. 

 So, to test out his little theory, Jacob keeps making people with dubious pasts crash onto the island, so that he can REDEEM them, and show MIB what’s what!

5) Man in Black / Smokey keeps talking about wanting to “Go Home.”  He seems like a pretty powerful mother f-er to me!  Why doesn’t he just LEAVE?

Remember that story you read when you were little, called Pandora’s Box?  You know the one where Pandora had this box that housed all the evil in the world.  And when she opened it, all the evil escaped?  Well, according to Jacob, the Island is kind of like “Pandora’s wine bottle.” 

Man in Black / Smokey is an EVVVIIIIL force swirling around in a vaccuum, kind of like wine in a bottle.  The island is like the bottle’s cork.  It keeps the EVVVIILLL from escaping out into the real world . . .

6) What’s the deal with Team Jacob?  Why are its members’ names listed on Jacob’s wheel and Man in Black / Smokey’s cabin wall?  And why is Ilana stuck protecting them all?

You see, EVVVILLL MIB believes that he can escape the island if, and only IF, he kills Jacob.  Worried that MIB is correct in his assumption, Jacob has to keep finding replacements for himself.  These replacements will ultimately take over Jacob’s task of keeping new Losties “good” and preventing MIB from blowing this island popsicle stand. 

Both MIB and Jacob appear to be “keeping score” on Jacob’s prospective replacements, in their own way.  When one prospective replacement dies or “turns bad,” he is crossed off both of their lists.  (Score One for Team EEVVILL.) 

Ilana has the dubious honor of keeping the prospective replacements both “good” and “alive.”

7) How about that slave ship, The Black Rock, that was found shipwrecked on the island?  How did that get there?

The Black Rock was a ship owned by Mangus Hanso during the late 19th century. (Get it?  HANSO, as in the “Hanso Foundation?” You know, the group that started the Dharma Initiative on the Island back in the 70’s?) 

The Black Rock washed up on the island, as a result of a tidal wave, back in 1867.  Richard first arrived on the island as a prisoner on that ship.  Yeah, he’s THAT old . . .

8) Is your brain hurting as much as mine is right now?

 More later, kiddies . . .

“Keep Your Shirt Off, Sawyer” – A Recap of Lost’s “Recon”

Woo hoo!  A Sawyer-centric episode!  This means I get to use my favorite “Josh Holloway Shirtless” picture again!  Never gets old . . .

Tonight we got to spend an hour with our sexiest Lostie — watching him do the four things that he does best: flirt, screw, brood, and con.  Additionally, we observed  Smokey working more of his manipulative magic, as he tried (in vain?) to recruit both  Sexy Lostie Sawyer and Spunky Lostie Kate to the Darkside.

“This Black Smoke stuff will sure come in handy, when I’m trying to vanquish my enemies aboard the Death Star.  It’s going to be  SO much more efficient than that oversized glow stick I usually use .  . .”

We also learned a bit more (but not too much more) about Team 3, in what is sure to be one heck of a Final Island Showdown. 

Two weeks ago, we met Team Smokey.  Last week, we focused on Team Jacob.  This week, we got a peak at Charles Widmore’s underwater crew, which I would hereby like to dub . . .  TEAM SUBBIE!

OK, OK . . . So, it was actually a BLACK submarine.  You really can’t go wrong with a Beatles reference, though.  Can you?

So, without further adieu, let’s do some “Recon” . . .

Brokeback Cop-land

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Sawyer!”

To be honest, Sawyer’s Flash Sideways bugged me.  For one thing, homoerotic undertones aside (Miles gave Sawyer enough longing looks during this episode to melt the Polar Icecaps!  And don’t even get me started on that “locker boyfight” scene), I just didn’t buy the Miles / Sawyer Bromance.  Perhaps, it was because neither of the typically snarky duo said anything particularly funny in flash-sideways world.  Or maybe, it was because my dream Lostie Buddy Cop Show always featured Miles and HURLEY!

“Sure, dump me for the Hot Guy!  But Sawyer won’t keep you warm at night, like I will.  And HE won’t be able to warn you when the dead person your ‘touching’ has dirty hands!”

Additionally, up until this point, the flash-sideways episodes were all about the characters seeking redemption for wrongs committed in their current timeline.  Here, by becoming a cop instead of a criminal, Sawyer was, theoretically, already redeemed, before the episode started.  Plus, the meat and potatoes of his story, i.e. whether he actually KILLS Anthony Cooper to avenge his parents deaths, wasn’t even shown during the episode.  If Sawyer commits a cold-blooded murder like this, can we truly say he has redeemed himself, just because he did it while wearing a badge?

Get Out of Darkside Free card?

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack a bit.  In “Recon,”‘ Sawyer’s flash-sideways ironically begins in precisely the same way his flashback in”The Long Con” began.  Namely, a deliciously Shirtless Sawyer . . .

Oh come on!  Tell me you didn’t want to see that again!

 . . . is lounging around, in a state of post-coital bliss, with a beautiful woman when Oops! a suitcase filled with cash pops open on the floor.  The difference here is that Sawyer’s current Gal Friday has a con artist husband, and, therefore, unlike his previous conquest, knows she’s being played for a fool.  Or does she?  When Mrs. Long Con pulls a gun on Sawyer and demands answers, his apartment is suddenly swarmed with cops, who instantly arrest her.  As it turns out, Sawyer wasn’t involved in a “Long Con” after all.  It was an undercover police sting operation.

“Put your shirt on, Sawyer,” remarks Sawyer’s police partner Miles.  (And, can I just say, “Worst advice EVER!”  Don’t make me show that pic again Miles, because I WILL DO IT!)

Back at the office, Miles asks Sawyer some probing questions about his recent “trip to Palm Springs,” when us viewers know he was really in Australia the whole time.  Sawyer fends off the inquiry long enough for Miles to set Sawyer up on a blind date with his “friend.”  And, who is this mysterious “friend” you ask?

It’s Charlotte Lewis.  Back from the dead and actually wearing makeup!

Charlotte and Sawyer seem to hit it off pretty well.  And after a few drinks, these two end up in bed together.  (Who knew archeaologists were so slutty?)  This is fabulous, of course, because we get treated to more of Shirtless Sawyer.  However, things go off the rails, when Sawyer heads off for a glass of water, and Charlotte uses her alone time as an opportunity to snoop around his bedroom.  First, she finds . . .

Apparently, both on and off the island, Sawyer screws like a bunny, and reads about them too . . .

She also comes across Sawyer’s BINDER OF VENGEANCE – complete with clippings about his parents’ tragic murder / suicide and the elusive Anthony Cooper, whose actions brought about their death.  Sawyer finds Charlotte reading the binder,  promptly freaks out, and kicks her the heck out of his apartment.

WTH Sawyer!  Overreact much?  Is this because I found out that you read books about furry little animals that talk?  Because I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Later, Sawyer feels guilty about his behavior, and arrives at Charlotte’s apartment with makeup sex on his mind.  His weapons of choice?  A giant sunflower and a cheap six pack of beer.

Foreplay?

That’s the problem with dating ridiculously good looking guys, they never really learn how to work for it.  Charlotte, though slutty, is clearly a stronger woman than I am, because she denies Sawyer’s ass.  Dejected, our hero leaves the sunflower outside Charlotte’s door (but takes the beer back, of course). 

You better watch it, Sawyer.  Just because they call it a “six pack,” doesn’t mean you get to keep yours if you keep drinking them like they are going out of style . . .

Upon returning to the police station once more, Sawyer has a run-in with Lostie Charlie’s rockstar brother, and is then assaulted (sexually?) by Miles.  Sawyer assumes Miles has pushed him up against the locker because he wants a quickie is angry at Sawyer’s shoddy treatment of Charlotte.  However, Boyfriend is actually super insulted at having found out that Sawyer lied about going to Palm Springs.  Later, Sawyer comes clean to Miles about the BINDER OF VENGEANCE and his plans to hunt down and murder Anthony Cooper. 

But before these two can hug it out, a car sideswipes them out of no where, and the driver gives chase.  Sawyer chases the hoodlum down a dark alley.  When he gets close enough to ID the perp, he finds out that it is . . .

Kate!  (Which reminds me, if Sawyer is a cop in Flash-Sideways world, why did he help Kate evade that federal agent back at the airport?)

Promises, Jungle Love, and the Smokey Mission

Back on Lost island, a frightened Jin awakens and tells Sawyer that the two of them better get the hell out of dodge, before Crazy Claire and Nu Locke return from whereever they are.  Sawyer then shocks Jin by telling him, “I am with Locke now.”

However, our favorite good-hearted bad ass, later qualifies his statement, explaining that all he wants to do is get off of the island, and Nu Locke can help him do that.  When Jin expresses reservations about leaving the island without Sun, Sawyer promises him that if the two of them find her, they won’t leave the island without her.  When the rest of the Smokey clan arrives at camp, Sawyer and Kate have the heartfelt reunion Skate fans have been longing for all season.  And you KNOW these two still have the hots for eachother!

Nothing says loving like hot bear cage sex.

 Nu Locke is currently playing nice with the Smokey clan, assuring them that he will protect them from the Evil Smoke Monster that killed all of their friends.

 . . . can avoid Evil Temple Fires!

However,  Sawyer isn’t buying it.  He calls Nu Locke out in front of the group for promising to get him off the island and not delivering.  Nu Locke pulls Sawyer aside and admits to being the Smoke Monster, but claims that he only did what he had to in order to escape Lost island. 

Sure, I’m a supernatural mass murderer, but that doesn’t make me EVIL.  It just makes me HOMESICK!

(BTW Dude, you are a PUFF OF SMOKE!  If you want to get off the island, can’t you just blow yourself off?)

Nu Locke then sends Sawyer out on a mission.  He is to head to Hydra island  (locale of the infamous bear cage sex romp), and do recon work on a group of folks there that are intending to do the Smokey clan harm.  Nu Locke strokes Sawyer’s ego, claiming that he chose Hot Stuff for this mission, because he’s the best liar in town. 

 Crazy Moms and the Folks Who Fear Them

Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, I’ll  . . . MAKE YOU SLEEP WITH A DOLL MADE OUT OF A DEAD CARCASS!

While Sawyer is on his mission, Kate FINALLY begins to question Claire’s sanity, after she finds the nightmare-inducing dead carcass inside Aaron’s baby bassinet.  “It is all I have left,” explains Claire.

Later Claire jumps Kate and tries to kill her, while Evil Sayid stands idly by and watches, looking bored.  Oddly enough, it is Nu-Locke who comes to Kate’s rescue.  Nu Locke later pulls Kate aside and apologizes for Claire’s bat sh&t craziness.  He feels partly to blame.  (Partly?  Try fully!)  According to Locke, without Aaron, Claire had lost the will to live, and to keep her going, Locke told her the Others took her baby.  This anger, he claimed, helped her to survive.  And now, Claire has transplanted that hate to Kate.

Nu-Locke admits that he was once a REAL PERSON with a bat sh&t crazy mom.  SPOILER ALERT:  Scroll down to find out who Nu-Locke’s mom is . . .

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This explains so much . . .

Kate asks Nu-Locke why he has confided this in her.  Nu Locke explains, “Because Aaron now has a crazy mom.”

Aha!  So Locke is trying to use Kate’s love for Baby Aaron to get her to join the Darkside.  Very crafty . . .

Smelly Dead People, More Promises, and Gun-Toting Submariners

Meanwhile, Sawyer sails off to the Hydra, and is immediately overcome by its smells, both good ( a ripped portion of Kate’s sexed-up bear cage dress), and bad (a pile of rotting bodies next to a nearby downed airplane).  At the plane site, Sawyer meets a woman named Zoe who claims to be the only survivor of the tragic flight.  Sawyer offers to take her back to his Smokey people, but becomes suspicious when she asks him whether his “people” have guns.  Suddenly, Sawyer is surrounded by a bunch of gun-toting mercenaries who take Sawyer down to their submarine where he encounters  . . .

Charles Widmore!

Instinctively recognizing that Widmore is here to off Nu-Locke, Sawyer makes a deal with the Team Subbie leader.  He will get Nu Locke onto the Submarine, so that Widmore can kill him, in exchange for free passage off the island for him and his friends. 

Careful Sawyer.  Remember the last time someone tried to broker this sort of “deal?”  It didnt work out so well for HIM . . .

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?)

Later, Sawyer returns to the island, and provides Nu Locke with a boatload (pun intended) of information about Widmore and his gang, including the faux-deal Sawyer brokered with Widmore regarding Nu Locke’s life.  Nu Locke thanks Sawyer for his loyalty.

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)

At the episode’s conclusion, Sawyer tells Kate his real plan.  “Let these two Evil Doofuses duke it out amongst themselves.  You and I are going to escape Lost island . . . via submarine!”

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)   Sawyer = Member of Team Skate!!!!!! 

That’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when we finally find out how Richard Alpert has stayed so young-looking all these years (and what kind of eyeliner he wears).