“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair? That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”
Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?
(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))
(And that. ;))
Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season. Let’s recap, shall we?
“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”
When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the
S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway. He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline). Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call. But THIS CHICK is . . .
As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either. She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . . The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break. But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules. He has a full night of
hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him. And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .
After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the
S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .
Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .
. . . so he
can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting. Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .
With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society. While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him. (Werewolf Fact: Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.) When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand. He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.
As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking. But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way . . .
Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear. But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .
Yeeee haw! Ride’em cowboy!
However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave. Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one. Oh, yeah . . . Caroline is SO out of there!
A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way. Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can. But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.
She gets the HELL out of there . . .
The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party. He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!
“That’s a good boy! You’re a good boy, Tyler! Yes you are! Now roll over and play dead.”
Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again. (That’s my girl!) “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.
“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .
(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this. He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)
(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)
Team Badass Returns!
How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer? But . . . before we get to them . . .
Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home. And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would. Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .
. . . only less creepy.
Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind. I just found one. (Man, I love GOOGLE!)
But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .
Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.” This involves,
making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . . THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?) 😉
Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is. “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .
But then Alaric calls . . .
. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks. And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .
Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!
Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason. They catch up with their mark at . . . where else . . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.
I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere. (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)
It’s worth a shot, right?
Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink. If she chokes, she’s a werewolf. If not, she’s just a b*tch. In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style. (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)
If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire. At least the experience taught him something useful! The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.
She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink. “Tonight is the night of a full moon. On any other night, our positions are reversed. But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me. You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.
“What the f*ck just happened there?”
Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge. However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”
Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die! So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors. Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him. (ELENA? PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!) It’s Rose . . .
Rose tells her sob story. She’s scared. She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Hear that? That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.
Then, a window breaks. Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA? PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)
It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me. (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf. Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy. Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.) But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it . . . ROSE.
I’m liking this Jules character more already!
After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare. He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise. But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .
OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh. But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason). I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet. Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger.
But NOOOOO! Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?
“Sorry Rose. It’s not you, it’s me. You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”
A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode. I started to NOT MIND ROSE . . .
I know . . . crazy, right?
This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!
But here’s the thing. I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO! GO TEAM DELENA! We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .
“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”
Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .
Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better
screw protect her — if necessary. (How’s that for self-sacrifice?) So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right? Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die. And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all . . .
(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)
Dammit! Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live . . . MEAN WRITERS!
Meanwhile . . .
Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo
Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone. For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . .
Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .
Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of
Grimmores? Grin Mores? Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice. Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone.
And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah. Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and
play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .
I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .
The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks. (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!) But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse? I’ll give you a hint . . . NO. (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)
As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans. And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one. And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .
Kid, you are SO GROUNDED! No Sesame Street for you!
Speaking of Elijah . . .
“Hi, I’m Elijah!”
Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna. I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week. Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME! This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.
“He can have his stinky books. I don’t know how to read, anyway.”
As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true. You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .
But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.” In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!) All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed. And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together. If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .
Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon. I’m just trying to make a point. OK? (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)
But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks. And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp. (Seriously? Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week? Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.) As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .
Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!
At least, we always have the GIFS!
Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .
(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)
“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”
The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD. Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine
(YES YES YES PLEASE YES)? Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .
“DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN! You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”
Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner. After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine. What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life. “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less. “She found ME.”
Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .
Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years. Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .
“Rats! Foiled again . . .”
Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah. Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion. And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance.
Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah. “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .
Then again . . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love” . . .
As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul. “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”
Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”
So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .
In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .
DELENA FANS: “Rats . . . foiled again.”
Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks. Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus. New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th. While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .
WOAH! Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us! Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires. So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!” Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again. And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss?
Still thirsty for more? Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW. Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)
See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!