Uh oh, Fangbangers! Don’t mess with the Sookster! Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind. (Sorry Tara!)
For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .
. . .this was the episode for you!
Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.
Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble. Ain’t that sweet?
In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.
Let’s review, shall we?
Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!
Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again. (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)
That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .
. . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously. Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!
Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more. And she’s in good company, in that regard . . .
Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)
Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy. Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.
But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first . . .
What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.
And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles. What the f*&k is up with that?
Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .
. . . almost . . . but not quite.
Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .
OMG! You killed that annoying vampire kid. You RULE! Bastard!
Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.
That little vampire kid . . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.
I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed. In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire. I’m certain of it. Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.
But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”
And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .
BRAVO! Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.
Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . . .
PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo
Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.
Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm. Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”
Oh, Eric Northman! It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.
Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode. Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.
That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.
“How ya like me now?”
For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline . . . well . . . you just might not be human.
The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it. But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?
Or can we?
In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .
Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week. Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule. The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .
. . . immediately took the law into her own hands. Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed. Pretty awesome huh?
Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search. And why did they do that you ask? Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .
Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!
Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .
. . . has decided to go and get herself good and wasted. That’s my girl!
You know what, Fangbangers? This might have been my favorite scene in the episode. For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome. Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.
And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!
She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.
She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.
That’s right, Alcide. You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.
But you were wrong! So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face. Nom-nom, nom . . .
Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience! Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale. And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it. Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?
But you aren’t fooling anyone . . And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.
Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .
Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition
Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure. Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again. The question is . . . who killed them? I smell another mystery! Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .
Speaking of mysteries . . .
Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition
Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?
And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season? Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.
Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club! And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.
Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood? (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?) Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day? Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?
Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode. Until next time, Fangbangers!
Love. There are so many ways to show you care. Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.
Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.
And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.
It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.
Yes, Fangbangers. This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts. Just how we like it. Let’s review, shall we?
The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse
We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended. Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.
Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call. It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric. (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)
Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.). But Lafayette has other plans. “Turn her!” Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.
“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.
Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former. And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit. “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal. The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.
Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”
Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara. I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life. (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie. But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)
Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something. But Vampire Pam isn’t having it. Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.
Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair. Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .
In other Stackhouse news . . .
Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)
It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one. Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.
At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis. He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively. But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them. Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.
As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make. And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece. So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape. It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.
. . . who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse. The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.
It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far. And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense. It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.
“You should really touch my gun. It’s SOOO BIG!”
And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right? Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.
Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well. He even complimented Steve on his kind words. But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .
But don’t you worry Jason fans! Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs. Poor Steve. Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded. Bad for Steve. But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .
Not everyone’s a Jason fan though. He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.
They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment. I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Bon Temps is just such a small town! It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .
Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.” And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.
Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.” But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”
For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous. But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.
Good lord! Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?
“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.”
Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .
Tastes Like Marcus
Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him. So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide. Hey you know what I noticed about Sam? Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such. Not very manly. He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.
Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid. Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .
Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack. As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”
“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”
In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .
. . . and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way. Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.
Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.
Burn it Down
Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .
. . . Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.” No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it. Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades. So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all. (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)
Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed. Who knew?
The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.
Yikes. It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.
But enough about those pesky humans. We watch this show for the vampires, right?
Sibling Revelry
When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY. In short, they are now in deep doo-doo. While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.
I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn on. Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.
Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger. But Eric is unmoved. “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.
Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .
Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music. Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank. They then proceed to blow that sh*t up. Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers. Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp, Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety. “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.
“I just can’t quit you.”
How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.
Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.
Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker. So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift. I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .
The Lannisters approve.
. . . as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .
And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be. Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering. “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.
Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program. You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos. I smell a revolution!
Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . . .
Wakey, Wakey!
It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam. The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit. But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive. This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse. Sookie cries. Lafayette cries. Pam rolls her eyes.
And then . . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch. The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .
In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit. And you can check out all of it, here . . .
So, I was thinking of making a life-sized sculpture of this image, and putting it in my living room as a coat rack. (I’d only actually hang coats on the Bill side, of course.)
Greetings Fangbangers! Can you believe another season of True Blood has already come and gone? It seems like only yesterday that Sookie was off playing with the fairies . . .
. . . and Baby Vamp Jessica was still dating Hoyt . . .
. . . and half the characters on this show were STILL ALIVE . . .
3/8 of the people in this picture no longer have beating hearts for Eric Northman to yank out and sip on . . .
So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .
(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)
I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs . . .
“PLEASE STOP! I promise I’ll scramble them next time!”
Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning. He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs. Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .
“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?”
Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by. But still, Lala does not respond. So, Jesus just sadly kisses him. But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN . . .
“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala? Because that sh*t is RANK!”
It smells like WITCHIPOO!
“Dammit! I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth. So STUPID!”
Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all. OH NO! Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED! Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair. Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps? I’m thinking not . . .
“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know. Because I really want to go grab my hat.”
But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .
Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.
“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.”
Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy. What else is new?
You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years. And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .
Yeah, that’s really gross. Sorry about that. I tried to help, by making it smaller . . .
Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately. And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence. Nope. She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.
Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids. You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something. Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .
Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara. (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”) You see . . . Sookie? She’s the main character of the show. She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her. But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you. And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .
Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?
“Poor Tommy Boy! I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”
A word of warning, Kiddies! This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up. The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them. In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .
In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.
Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time. It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.
“YEAH! Take that, Mom!”
Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own. Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5. Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season . . .
“Motherly love? Who needs motherly love? I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!”
After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.
“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna? Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman? I’ve really always wanted to bang her.”
Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again. Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .
Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .
Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .
“Well, this feels familiar. But hey! At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers. So . . . PROGRESS!”
Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess. And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense. You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .
“Would you like me to draw you a diagram, Hoyt? Because I could draw you a diagram.”
Then, Hoyt starts kicking Jason’s ass, like . . . a lot . . . and Jason just sits back and takes it. Because, I guess that’s what friends are for too . . .
“If you were planning to have sex with my ex-girlfriend, the least you could have done was invited me over for a threesome. That’s what your SISTER would do!”
In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks. I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .
Oh, don’t you worry, Jason! Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉
That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood. (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps? Well, it is!)
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?”
Meow?
After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something. And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was. Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things). It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt. And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .
“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.”
Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it. But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it. He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex. Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!
I never said he had good taste . . .
To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy . . .
“Come on, people! You know you want a piece of this!”
Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door. And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night. But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door. It’s THIS GUY. . .
That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!
So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself? I don’t know. And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out. But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease? After all, this IS a Halloween episode. And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.
“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this? This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in! Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap? It’s giving me a wedgie. Plus, I’m in SCRUBS! No one should have to die in scrubs . . . SO UNFLATTERING!”
Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power. But Jesus is not down with that. He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .
Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium. And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from! Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again. And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!
“BEEEEEEEEEELLLL JEESSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSS!”
Sorry, wrong Jesus. Thanks for coming, though!
So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards. Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet. But here’s the weird thing. It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit? Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?
Pretty in Purple
Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat . . .
Speaking of weird outfits . . .
Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!
So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season? It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK! Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.
And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day. He was Tommy. So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween. Sounds like a fair trade, right? I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right? (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that? Never mind then . . .)
By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene? Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .
Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town. At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition. Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .
. . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .
. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .
Sookie didn’t take it though. Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC. More on that later. Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer. He just got a call from one of his construction workers. Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left. I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?
That’s right, boys and girls. Big Bad King Russell is back in action! Hide your newscasters!
The question is, which vampire was desperate enough to break him out, when so few people knew where he was buried in the first place? Well . . . I have one idea. And you’re not going to like it . . .
Pam is SUPER TIRED of Sookie’s Fairy Vag . . .(Wouldn’t YOU be, if you were her?)
You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4. Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .
Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)
I don’t mean to be a hater. But Pam CRIED TOO MUCH, THIS SEASON. That’s SO not Bad Ass . . . just sayin’.
Because, rest assured, Pam definitely needed a hug. I just hope she didn’t take all that pent up anger and use it to shoot a rocket launcher at Sookie . . .
. . . to do something crazy, like free Russell Edgington. Because Eric would REALLY never forgive her for that one . . .
While we are on the subject of murderers . . .
When Your SERIAL KILLER Ghost Boyfriend Tells You to Be Afraid . . .
(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)
Surprise! All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .
So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended. Even more surprising, he’s being NICE! He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST . . .
“Wait . . . why am I hugging you? You’re the one he’s talking about!”
Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said. Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever. I kind of take that meaning literally. After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country. He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it. What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween . . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.
In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry. And he seems to be pretty darn hot. How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .
Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?
All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance? FAIL!
That’s better!
Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight. She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary. HAHA!
“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”
Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore. And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo. (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!) So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth. Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.
“I only make constipated faces, because I care.”
At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?). Sound familiar?
And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .
Ah! The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love! So sweet!
The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt. You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.
“Shhhh! Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!”
Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I? id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB? Well, he/she did!
“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?” Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?” In that case, hey Sookie! Get a load of my HOT ROD!”
Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh! Boring! A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo! Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)
“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.”
Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time. I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.
Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.” And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .
. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .
. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face. And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?
So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires. And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .
Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES WITH THAT HAND!
So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor. But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English. But I think you will get the idea . . .)
Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Cry me a river, Toots!
And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals. SERIOUSLY?
You got that right, Witchipoo! You deserved WAY WORSE!
Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again. And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one! So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND. HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!
You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard. I haven’t decided yet . . .
Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked . . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”
Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .
Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!
“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours? You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing? You’re a KING, for crying out loud!”
OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl. But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME! (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES! Heaven forbid!) I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.
Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):
“Eric you are great at sex. Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii. You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend. But, unfortunately, you are both out. Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’ Better luck next time!”
The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing. Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl! YIPPEE! I WIN!”
But he didn’t win. He lost. Bill lost. They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .
I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries. (Two for F*&kin Sookie). Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer.
In completely unrelated news . . .
Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .
Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition. I just had no where else to put this completely random scene. You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy. This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend. You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff. (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)
I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .
Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .
“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”
Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business. Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.
(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC! He had ALL the best one liners of the finale. Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)
Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .
She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . . But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.
They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL. (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?) Correction: They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD. “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan. (And you have to admit. Girlfriend has a point.)
Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way. Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like). And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode? (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.) Here it is . . .
And you know when he said it? Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .
I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? Oh wait. . . you did? Never mind then . . .
Let us not forget ERIC’S additional awesome one-liner to finish the scene. (It almost makes me forget how goofy he looked wearing Bill’s robe and mooning over Sookie . . . almost.)
Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them. (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.) He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus. But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead. Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive. But hey, let’s not be picky, all right? The boy is hurting here.
Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did. Because now he never has to end up old andhanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores. At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this. I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?
Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution. He watched people rust out and fade away for a living. So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus. And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . . I hope not, for his sake, at least.
And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .
All together now . . . AWWWW!
OK. Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling. You know why? Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR. And that’s why THIS happens . . .
Did you catch all that? Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER. Then, Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?). Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!
So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely . . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me. Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin . . . MAYBE.
Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.
Sorry, Tarapoo! Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old . . .
And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell. So . . . let’s talk about it. Did you think it was Fangtastic? Or did it SUCK? Sound off in the comment section below.
Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries. You really should watch The Vampire Diaries. Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season. I couldn’t have done this without you!
PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode! Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!”
ERIC: “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”
BILL: “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”
Greetings Fangbangers! We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky. And if this week’s installment was any indication, our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG . . .
. . . a whimper . . .
. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .
But that’s NEXT WEEK. In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us . . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken. So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . . . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .
(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)
Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)
You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk. Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army? (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)
When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS! Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip! As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”
Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.
“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.”
After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.
King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do. And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all. But they will let her blow them later. Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?
Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica. He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him. I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.
“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!”
Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .
Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends
Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . .
Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home. Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.” Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin. Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious. It is up to you to know the difference . . .
Hotel California? Seriously? How OLD are YOU?
Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave. (How kind of her!) She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .
But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly. “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences . . .
“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!”
In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.
“Oof! I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”
“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers . . .
Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games! She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT! Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome . . .
But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!
He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse. This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body. And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.
“I’m baaaaaaaack!”
While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.
They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass (and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.
Yes, Caroline. I thought that was funny too!
Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate. But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .
Meanwhile, over in Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .
Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .
Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?
Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .
Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light! It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .
“I’m my own night light!”
As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is Moron Maurella. She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .
Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.” (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?) Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story. Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V. But hey, what does she know. This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!
Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . .(Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))
In other secondary storyline news . . .
Bye Bye, Greasypoo!
“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”
Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances. (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)
I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating.
Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .
“Hey! For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own. I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.”
As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together. Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird. I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them? A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!
Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .
“You think I’m funny? Do I amuse you?”
He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death. I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces . . .
Ahhh, memories!
Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.
Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment. And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN. GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID! Now that’s just CRAZY!
Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house. And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside. And that’s when the Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .
At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form. Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy! And he’s got vengeance on his side. The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!). “Live with that,” taunts Sam. Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift. He also picks up a gun. This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .
“Grrrr . . . Me . . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.”
Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo. Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends. But Alcide isn’t hearing it. He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.” It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t. It’s a BIG DEAL. When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity. Talk about getting closure in a breakup!
“No wait! I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS! Take it back! Take it back!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this: “I will see you no longer. I will share flesh with you no longer.”
“Haha! He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX! (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)”
Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is. We didn’t get to hear his response. I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.” Don’t worry Emma! At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!
Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie? Weird . . .
Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo . . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)
Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful. The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly. And the female gets gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly. And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is. Friggin ZOMBIE!
We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo. Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement. Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .
“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”
Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.” Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.
Seriously? That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard. I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all. But COME ON! I mean, who would run Fangtasia? Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock? Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo? Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?
Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal. “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly. (Wait? Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires? Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)
Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .
. . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED. Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .
No offense, Dawson Leery . . .
. . . or Will Schuester!
So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was giving Sookie pleasure about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.
And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being . . .
*sigh*
I said ALMOST . . .
Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger. I mean, we all KNEW unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric. So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.
That someone is Pam. She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie. (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)
“Thar she blows!”
After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside. I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .
Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .
Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did. After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right? Protect her Maker? And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .
And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment. What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all? As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire. So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie? Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable. King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.
“Come back, King Cockblock! Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”
However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan. Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!
Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt. “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.
And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug. All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”
Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON! He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .
Man! You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT! Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . . Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time. And he heals. And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again. “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you naked,” admits Jason. That’s funny! Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”
You know what all this means, don’t you? MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS! 🙂
Can I get a HELL YEAH!
Sorry Hoyt!
Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?
Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD! (Which old witch? The WICKED WITCH) Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!
You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . . . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day? Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror (Obviously! Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!) So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!
SERIOUSLY! And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die. So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her. They do. And outside, this starts to happen . . .
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . .
Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right? Oh wait . . . I DID!
Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS 🙂 . . . and Bill 😦 . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!
“What am I? Chopped liver? I want to be rescued too!”
Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.
Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT! She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire. (She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire. She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre. Dammit! Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))
Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).
“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”
“Lala? Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”
“Hey Jesus! You have a little something on your face . . .”
Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie. I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask. It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).
Never . . . gets . . . old. (For me, anyway!)
In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent. Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first. So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart . . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)
Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually. I mean, one bullet . . . done. And then everybody just went home . . .
That’s IT?
Actually, it’s not. Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat. Then, they both go to sleep. And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head. And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?
I don’t know. Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY? Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.
Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . . Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!
Remember, Fangbangers! It’s the season finale! So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will). See you then!
“I’m back, and I remember everything, including what a poopyhead that cockblock Vampire Beeeeel is, and how he lied to, betrayed, and once, tried to eat Sookie. Perhaps, SHE is the one with amnesia. Is there a doctor in the house?”
Greetings Fangbangers! This week’s installment of True Blood was all about multiple personality disorder . . .
Well . . . OK . . . that isn’t exactly true. But we did get to explore the various versions of most of our characters, this week. Let’s see, there was: Old Viking Vamp Eric, Amnesia Sometimes-Zombie Eric, and New and Improved, Best of Both Worlds, Eric . . .
There was, Witchipoo Antonia, Witchipoo Marnie, and Witchipoo What the F*&k is this B*tch Doing Talking to Herself, Like That? Because That’s Just Creepy . . .
“I’m so confused . . .”
We got Regular Jesus, and Weird Helmet-Head Jesus . . .
Is this going to mess up my hair?
V-addicted Andy and Sober Andy . . .
Coincidentally, both of them always seem to make this facial expression . . .
Alive Tommy and Dead Tommy . . .
(Yes, I recognize that was in bad taste . . .)
And finally, Smart Sookie Who Loves Eric, and Dumb as a Bowl of Grits Sookie, Who Loves King Cockblock . . .
Sometimes the truth hurts, Sookie . . .
So charge up those glow fingers, put on your weird demon mask, and prepare to make a run for the Anti-Human Electric Fence, because it’s time for another recap . . .
(Again, as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the glorious screencaps you see here. I couldn’t have done this without you, you fabulous screencapper, you!)
The Most Fun You’ve Ever Had, During a Tolerance Convention . . .
The episode begins with all those zombie vampires, doing Witchipoos bidding, by trying to Kill Bill . . .
Now, THIS is the kind of convention I could support wholeheartedly! Step Aside, Comic Con, I’m spending my vacation money on CockblockKillCon, next year! Of course, there is that little problem of all those innocent humans getting murdered along the way, But, hey, no convention is perfect, right?
(By the way, it is important to note that the episode began with this TOTALLY random shot of the LARGEST 1-800 Dentist poster, I have ever seen in my entire life. Talk about product placement. Are we to assume, based on when this advertisement appeared that 1-800 Dentist is on Team Eric?)
Unfortunately, it is during this convention, that we are forced to bid a fond farewell, to Young-Looking Hot Sheriff, who was somehow murdered, amidst all this Bill Killing Madness . . .
Goodbye Young-Looking Hot Sheriff . . . we barely knew ye!
Things get a little crazy, at this point in the episode . . . You know, with all these extras dying, and stuff. And it’s not until Zombie Eric finally wraps his arms around King Cockblock’s scrawny neck that things REALLY start to get interesting.
Insert porn music here . . .
Sookie’s doing her Screaming Thing (“No, No, Beeeeel, Beeeeel!”), while Zombie Eric is doing his Killing Thing, and Bill is doing his Constipated Facial Expression Thing. Everything is going great! Eric even takes out a STAKE, and is ready to PUT IT IN BEEEEL’S HEART! And then Sookie has to ruin it all with those damn Glow Fingers of Hers . . .
And, in that moment, all of Witchipoo’s spells suddenly wear off . . .
“Dammit! Who’s going to Kill Bill NOW?”
But don’t despair, True Blood fans. Because even the darkest of cockblock-shaped clouds bear a silver lining . . . I mentioned that ALL the spells wore off, INCLUDING ERIC’S AMNESIA.
“You know, a thousand years of new/old memories are great and all . . . but where the f*&k is my Shower Sex?”
Suddenly, in the midst of all this blood and gore, Sookie and Eric are eye-f*&king eachother, like nobody’s business. But the eyes Eric is using to try and impregnate Sookie, are NOT those dopey amnesia-ish eyes, he’s been sporting all season, but smart, wiley, sexy, “I want to ravage you, like the badass I am” eyes.
“Hey Eric, you are looking kind of bloody. Might I interest you in a shower?”
And if that wasn’t enough to clue you in to the fact that the Viking Vamp was back to his old self, the writers spelled it out for you, with a cheesy montage of Eric’s Greatest Hits . . .
Did I say “hits?” I meant “f*&ks.”
After the main cast members escape the melee, a very bloody Nan begins the process of damage control, by glamouring the survivors, who are screaming in terror and yelping in pain. Witchipoo is watching, and suddenly morphs into that Antonia chick from the flashbacks. And, would you believe that evil wench is actually crying?
“Oh no! I’m not crying. I just have something in Marnie’s eye . . .”
Speaking of crying . . .
Tommy, Can You Hear Me? (Oops . . . guess not)
I genuinely hope Alcide wasn’t too attached to his car, because those front seats are TOTALLY going to have to be reupholstered, now that Tommy had to go and hack up blood and guts all over them. (RUDE!)
“Anybody got a napkin?”
Alcide wants to taking Dying Tommy to the hospital. But since Dying Tommy KNOWS he’s pretty much going to die anyway, he insists on being taken to Merlotte’s, which he has always considered his one true home. When Alcide and Dying Tommy arrive at the bar, Sam is outside waiting for them. Of course, he’s feeling all kinds of guilty about, you know, telling Dying Tommy he never wants to see him again, and . . . unwittingly letting his little brother get pummeled beyond recognition by an an asshat werewolf packleader, all while wearing his FACE . . .
Since Dying Tommy refuses to go to the hospital, and Alcide says it’s a man’s right to choose when he dies (Now, THAT’S a controversial statement, if I ever heard one.), Alcide and Sam lay Tommy down on a dirty table in the bar. (Classy!) Then we get this sort of long, drawn out, extended Tommy death scene, complete with plenty of tears, lots of shivers and wheezing, discussions of the Great Beyond, and a maudlin exchange of “I love you’s” and “I’m sorry’s.”
Honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen this over-dramatic of a death scene, since . . .well . . . EVER! Correction . . . it actually kind of reminded me of THIS . . .
Most of the time, people on this show simply get their throats slit, or their hearts ripped out, and you just never see them again.
R.I.P. Grams . . .
But I guess the writers of this show felt like Tommy’s life was crappy enough, that he deserved a send off, with some fanfare. So, of course, we get to hear Sam tell Tommy he loves him, even if he stole his face. And we get to hear Tommy say that meeting Sam was the best part of his life . . . which was probably saddest part of the whole scene, when you really think about it . . . Because, you know, Sam spent half of Tommy’s life telling him what a worthless sack of sh*t he was . . .
“You’re a worthless sack of sh*t . . . but I love you.”
After Tommy croaks, Alcide and Sam head to the car shop, in search of Greasypoo. They find one of his minions there, and start pistol whipping, and kicking the crap out of him.
Tommy would definitely have approved . . .
“Tommy LIKE!”
R.I.P. Tommy Boy . . . you naughty little dog, you!
Speaking of Greasypoo . . .
Trailer Trash Debbie and Greasypoo: A Match Made in Dog Poopy
If you ask me, despite all his Big Talk about pack loyalty, and unity, and whatnot, Greasypoo has always been a bit jealous of Alcide, probably because the latter has a better ass, and WAY better hair than he does.
“How the hell does he keep that thing so firm? The guy must eat rocks for breakfast!”
But when Alcide directly disobeys his pack leader, by not letting him beat up Sam/Tommy, Greasypoo vies for revenge. He gets this revenge by racing over to Trailer Trash Debbie’s house, and smoking a few joints with her, while he basically humps her leg.
As skeevy as he is, Greasypoo genuinely seems to have a knack for reading other mutts-i-heat. And, let’s face it. Trailer Trash Debbie isn’t all that hard to read. Greasypoo plays on the psycho she-wolf’s insecurities about her relationship with Alcide, his insistence on not getting too entangled with the pack, and his desire not to have children with a drug-addicted wackadoo like Debbie. Then he pretty much tells her that she should ditch Alcide, and start doing doggystyle with him. Way to be subtle, Greasypoo!
Alcide is not amused . . .
Now, I know Debbie’s supposed to be crazy, and insecure and all. But I didn’t realize she was BLIND TOO. I mean, seriously, Debbie? Greasypoo over Alcide? Have you LOOKED at your boyfriend’s ass, lately? That juicy mound of flesh is the Eighth Wonder of the World, and you want to trade it in for Mr. Dances with A$$holes, here? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Intervention – Fort Bellefleur Edition
*sigh* Last week, we FINALLY saw the end to that ridiculous Evil Baby storyline. And this week HOPEFULLY spared us from having to suffer from any more Andy on V Moments. We start our little tale with Arlene and Terry shoving a vial of V right in front of his face, and reading him the riot act, about how he has the nerve to keep V around the house where Arlene’s kids are staying. “I think it has a childproof cap,” notes Andy helpfully.
Nice try, Andy! But if it actually had a childproof cap, you probably wouldn’t be able to open it . . .
Childproof cap or not, Terry knows that Andy remains in denial about his addiction. And so he takes him to Fort Bellefleur, a fort the two cousins(?) used to hang out in together, when they were kids. PTSD Terry, who, himself, is no stranger to addiction, forces Andy to admit that being high on V, does not, in fact, make him stronger, by engaging in a few shooting and wrestling competitions with him. It’s all incredibly manly and homoerotic . . . or, at least, it would be, if Eric, Jason, or Alcide were involved, rather then Andy and Terry.
“I haven’t taken a dump since Season 4 premiered. And I am VERY upset about it.”
During this weird little intervention, we learn a bit about the kind of childhoods these two had, and how, like in most families, they both were jealous of one another, for their own reasons. Eventually, Andy cracks and breaks down and cries, which Terry thinks is awesome, because it shows that (1) he’s finally hit rock bottom; and (2) he has a soul. Then Terry kicks off his cousin’s trip toward sobriety, by forcing him to walk home alone. Well, I guess it’s a lot cheaper than rehab . . .
“This intervention SUCKS! Where’s that Dr. Drew guy, when you need him?”
Witches Need Motivational Speakers Too . . .
Witchipoo and her top minion, return to the Moon Goddess Emporium with the two remaining zombie vampire sheriffs, in toe, both of whom she stores in the ladies’ room for convenience. She is greeted there by her coven / group of hostages, who aren’t particularly happy to see her. They are all getting kind of freaked out, because they can’t get cell phone reception in the Emporium, and if they try to leave through the front or back door, their hands will get burned off.
“This makes me VERY ANGRY. Other things that make me VERY angry: vampires, loud animals, the long line at the DMV, donuts, air, people who breathe funny, people who hold their breath, so as not to breathe funny, books, shoes, cable television, Ghandi . . .”
While the rest of the coven opt for techological means of escape, Holly pours through a spell book, in search of an appropriate cantation to get them out of there. Tara seems skeptical of Holly’s methods, at first. However, after Holly gives Tara her version of the “We are witches, hear us cackle” speech, Tara who “always has a lot of rage to spare, whether or not it is magical” decides to join in her witchy games.
“I would be smiling at you Tara, except that I just did a Botox Spell on my face . . . Don’t judge! They don’t pay waitresses what they used to, and if a girl ain’t got her youth, she’s got nuttin’!”
Meanwhile, in Witchipoo’s office, girlfriend is talking to herself . . . no, seriously, Antonia leaves Witchipoo’s body, and she actually BEGINS to have a conversation with her better half. Perhaps, the most shocking thing about this scene is that, as viewers, we always assumed that Antonia was the “Bad Guy,” while Marnie was just the “innocent vessel victim” in all this. What we learn here, is that Antonia’s power has COMPLETELY corrupted the formerly weak Marnie, and now she wants to KILL EVERYONE!
“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little King Cockblock TOO!”
Surprisingly enough, Antonia seems to be the voice of reason here, rightfully telling Marnie, that by putting all these HUMAN lives at risk, in addition to vampires, Witchipoo is no worse than those bloodsuckers, themselves. Then MARNIE starts manipulating Antonia, by telling her how she should hate all HUMANS too, since none of them stopped to help her, all those years ago, while she was being burned alive at the stake.
“Well, I’ve got to admit. I HAVE had better days . . .”
Antonia reluctantly agrees with her vessel’s assessment. So, the two hold hands, call eachother “sister,” do a little Ring Around the Rosie thing, and suddenly they are back in the business of killing EVERYONE IN BON TEMPS . . .
Except for the Flying Monkeys . . . They can stay . . .
Guilty Jason, Hungry Jessica, and Farting Hoyt . . .
After a few mind-blowing rounds of Pickup Truck F*&k with Baby Vamp Jessica, the Guilt Monster lodges his head in Jason Stackhouse’s brain, and simply won’t leave. Jessica reassures him that, since Jessica and Hoyt already broke up, what they did technically wasn’t cheating. But, of course, Jason is still dating Hoyt, at least, in the bromantic sense, and therein lies the problem.
“Just say NO to Hot Pickup Truck F*&ks! YES, YES, OHHHHHH YES!”
Jason fondly recalls how he’s taken care of Hoyt his whole life, and can’t imagine stopping now. He then has the audacity to ask Jessica to glamour him to forget that the two of them had sex, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore . . .
Jessica, of course, is furious, and understandably so . . . “F*&king HUMANS! I’m going to go eat someone,” she says, before stalking out of the truck. YOU GO, BABY VAMP!
. . . an extremely vulnerable Hoyt is chugging beers, and trying not to cry, as he begs his bestie to let him crash at HIS place, since he can’t bear the thought of staying in his Formerly Owned By Crazy Eyes Evil Baby Mama Haunted house without Jess in it.
Overwhelmed by guilt over his “affair,” Jason obliges his friend. However, Hoyt’s constant boohooing about Jessica, combined with his apparently stinky bedtime farts, overwhelm Jason with frustration (and nausea). So, HE asks to stay with Sookie instead. Sookie, being the judgmental gal that she is, scolds Jason for not being more understanding of Hoyt’s loss.
But, of course, this is the SOOKIE STACKHOUSE show. So, within about a minute, Sookie has already forgotten about Jason’s problems, and is back on her own. You see (surprise, surprise) Sookie needs Jason’s help. We’ll get to the “why” and the “how” in a bit . . .
But for now, let’s move our focus to the both sweetest, and most jaw-clenchingly frustrating, scene in the entire hour . . .
This is the Part of the Episode, Where I Wanted to Punch Sookie in the Face . . .
Oh, come on, SOOKEH! Let’s not act like you don’t deserve it . . .
When we last left Eric, he was blinkingly staring into Sookie’s eyes, with a look that says: I remember what it was like having Narnia Sex with you. But I ALSO remember what it was like to watch my parents be murdered by Russell Edgington, and to avenge their deaths, by killing a sweet gay vamp named Talbot.
Just in case you forgot . . . here is a helpful reminder . . .
And yet, we weren’t 100% certain what Eric ACTUALLY remembered, or would be willing to admit that he remembered. BOOK SPOILER: This is particularly true of Sookie Stackhouse book fans, who undoubtedly recall Eric frustratingly and inexplicably lying to Sookie, by telling her he no longer remembers his Amnesia Time. (He eventually comes clean to her about remembering, in the subsequent book.)
So, when Eric and Sookie sit down next to one another on that couch. And Eric tells her that he remembers everything, and that nothing has changed, my little fangirl heart started may or may not have started to do engage in a little celebratory dance.
But then Sookie has to start blubbering on about King Cockblock (See? There he goes again, ruining what could have been a spectacular pre-sex moment.), and how she still luuuuuuuuuves him, and that’s why she thinks her glow fingers were able to save him, and blah, blah, blah . . .
I’m sorry. I just can’t take anything Sookie says seriously, while she’s wearing that ridiculous Preschool Picture Day hoodie . . .
Eric is understandably not amused . . .
He reminds Sookie that she gave himself to him fully and completely (a.k.a They Banged . . . Like . . . A Lot), therefore . . .
Sookie more, or less, echoing her own words from her Threesome Dream replies that she never promised to be Eric’s. Instead, he is hers. Furthermore, she loves both him and Bill because only half of her actually has good taste . . .
Man, for a group of blood suckers, vampires have surprisingly rigid views when it comes to monogamy! Eric looks crestfallen, when he learns that he is not the ONLY person that Sookie loves. And when Pam rushes in to reunite with her maker, he can barely contain his sadness and disappointment from his progeny, even as he is warmly offering her a “welcome back” hug . . .
By the way, when Sookie ended Witchipoo’s curse on Eric, did she break Pam’s decaying curse too? I wonder . . .
OMG! They are going to KILL TARA! *fist pumps, cheers, does happy dance**sniffles, cries*
Later, the group reconvenes at King Cockblock’s house. There they decide the best plan of action for defeating Witchipoo. As it turns out, they want to blow her up, while she’s hanging out inside the Moon Goddess Emporium, of course! I, of course, think this is a FABULOUS idea. But then Sookie the Killjoy, has to get all “moral” on the team, with her “Wahhhhh, what about all the innocent people? And what about TARA?”
“BEEEEEEEEL! Don’t KIIIIIIIILLLL TAAAAAARAAAA!”
To which, Eric, who has clearly got his snark back replies, “So, they bet on the wrong horse.”
Indeed. Of course, my favorite part of the exchange comes when King Cockblock starts ranting and raving like a lunatic about how much he wants Witchipoo dead. And Eric glances knowingly over at a horrified Sookie, and says sarcastically, “Loveable, isn’t he?”
No Eric . . . no he is most certainly NOT loveable. But YOU ARE!
Have . . .temporarily . . . lost . . . ability . . . to . . . form . . . complete . . . sentences.
“You get the True Death . . . and YOU get the True Death . . .”
In what is becoming a fairly regular occurrence, the vampires find themselves once again forcibly silvering themselves during the day time, in Bill’s cubby hole, so as to prevent Witchipoo from forcing them to meet the sun.
Rather than sleeping however, Nan and Bill are again bickering like an old married couple about who’s FAULT it is that things went so very badly at the Tolerance Convention, which Bill had originally told Nan to call off. (Ugh! Why don’t these two just have sex already, and get it over with?)
Nan + Bill = Nill, A match made in Cockblock Heaven!
Feeling disempowered, by the man she made King, Nan strikes back by hilariously ordering the True Death for any vampire who has the audacity to disagree with her, which is, more or less, every silvered vampire in the room. Good ole, Nan! She gives out the True Death, the way Oprah gives out cars . . .
Of course, my favorite line of THIS scene goes to Baby Vamp Jessica, who said, “I don’t care, as long as I get to kill sh*t.”
My sentiments exactly, Jessica . . .
Jesus to the Rescue (Wow, that sounds kind of religious?)
So, Sookie and Jason confront Lala and Jesus about the whole, “The vampires and one annoyed TV Recapper want to blow up Tara” situation. Sookie’s and Jason’s rescue Tara plan? Storm the emporium before the vamps do, and take out Witchipoo. But you know Jesus, and how he loves his Witchipoo. He’s not down with that idea. “Marnie is an innocent. Let me separate her and Antonia, and we can send Antonia back where she came from.”
Well, isn’t that a peace-loving solution to this problem? Sookie, Jason, Lala, and a TV Recapper look skeptical. But they decide to let Jesus do his witch exorcism thing, just like he did with Lala and crazy-eyes lady, last week.
When Team Sookie arrives at the Moongoddess Emporium, they are shocked to find that it is being guarded by a cheesy forcefield out of some 70’s Star Trek film. I mean, really, Witchipoo, this is 2011! Get with the program! Jason gallantly offers to go and battle the forcefield himself. After all, he can do hand-stand pushups! And he used to play football! So, this is . . . well . . . NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT!
You got me! I pretty much just wrote that joke, so that I could include this GIF in my recap again. Are you mad?
However, fortunately for Jason, Team Sookie nixes his “run straight into the forcefield swinging and hope for the best” plan in favor of the original sending Big Bad Jesus One. Witchipoo, being the generous soul she is, decides to go outside, and meet Jesus half way. But she isn’t just going to let him walk into the Moongoddess Emporium without proving his loyalty first. After all, he’s been noticeably absent during the past few Team Witchipoo Outings. And Little Miss All Vampires Must Die doesn’t exactly take kindly to instances of poor attendance.
Sorry, I’m late to your seance, Marnie! My goatlicker grandpa ate my homework . . .
So, Witchipoo demands that Jesus prove his loyalty by moving across the forcefield, himself . . .
I mean, that’s basically a suicide mission, isn’t it?
Well, it would be, except that Jesus just happens to be a SUPER LATINO!
Umm . . . yeah . . . so, I really have no clue what the f*&k that ugly ass mask has to do with being Spanish . . . so I’m just going to take Lala’s word for it.
That’s right, boys and girls. In times of stress, Jesus apparently sprouts an ugly demon head and can somehow use it to walk past cheesy force fields from 1970’s Star Wars films. Who knew?
This guy DID!
So, Jesus is let back into the Witchipoo fold. And it is there that he gets to talk to “Marnie,” and learn what us viewers have no already known for 20-minutes. That sweet docile “Marnie” is just as batsh*t crazy and evil as Antonia, if not more so. And SHE’S the one running the show NOW!
“Is this another dream sequence? Is Baby Vamp Jessica going to walk out naked and start pulling down my pants? Man, I hope so!”
Jesus sends the message telepathically to Sookie. Now, it looks like Team Sookie is back to Plan B. Run in and kill the b*tch. And they may get some help doing just that. Newly enraged witches, Holly and Tara band together and manage to put out a spell that temporarily breaks the forcefield. Quickly, they run out to Team Sookie. Team Sookie runs out to them, and . . .
Everyone disappears into thin air . . . literally . . . except for Hot Jason, who . . . you know . . . is left all alone with his hotness . . . I guess.
This Episode of True Blood is Brought to You By . . . Leather Pants . . .
If by chance you weren’t able to see the last scene of the episode, due to Hurricane Irene, or your DVR cutting off, or you getting zapped away into oblivion by some cheesy forcefield from a 70’s movie, worry not. Because I can assure you that you’ve seen it already, at least once in your life, assuming that you have seen one of the following movies: The Matrix, Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, any action movie ever, any gangster movie ever, any sports movie featuring a ragtag group of misfits who defy unthinkable odds to win the Big Game.
That’s right! We’ve got Bill, Eric, Jessica, Nan, and Pam, putting aside their differences to walk in slow motion, while wearing black leather everything, and carrying bazookas, hand grenades, and other “Bad Ass Weapons.” This is followed by a freeze frame shot, and a surprisingly decent cover of “Burning Down the House,” that I may actually add to my iPod, when this is through.
Oh yeah . . . they went there. My assumption is that the scene was a bit of playful self-mockery, and not meant to be taken too seriously. So, if YOU had a good laugh at it, like I did, it probably served its purpose, just as much as the 1-800 Dentist advertisement did. 😉
It also really made me want to buy a pair of leather pants . . . or at least it would have, if I had legs like Vampire Jessica, or an ass like Eric Northman. But since I have neither, I will stick with my comfy khakis. Thank you very much . . .
And, there you have it, another episode of True Blood, dead and gone, like Tommy Boy. (Too soon?)
Guess so . . .
Believe it or not, there are only TWO EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON!
I’m DEAD SERIOUS, ERIC! Just two!
Next week’s TB installment, promises some more Witchipoo shenanigans, a lot of stuff being blown up, and undoubtedly plenty of instances of Sookie screaming BEEEEEEEEL! You can check out the trailer for the episode here:
“Hey, there Crazy Cop Guy! Long time, no see! Hey, remember that one time when you were 10, and I ate your dad? Haha, GOOD TIMES!”
(Ummm . . . yeah . . . so this recap . . . is ridiculously late. Sorry about that! Consider it a “Refresher Course” to prepare you for tomorrow night’s episode!)
With Friends Like These . . .
This past week’s episode dealt with the various ways in which one’s past can come back to haunt him, in ways he may never have expected. It all started with Social Butterfly Aidan wanting to expand his Social Network. After all, the dude had been on the planet for centuries, and STILL, his only Facebook Friends are Bishop and his motley crew of Evil Blood Suckers . . .
Bishops “Likes” include: Vampire Recruitment, Compelling waitresses to give you free food, Grave Robbing, and World Domination
. . . Shut-in Sally, who’s Status Updates are always the same. (ex. “I miss Danny.” “Gee, I wonder Danny still thinks about me.” “Do you think I can have Hot Ghost Sex with Danny some day?”)
“Blah, blah, blah DANNY, blah, blah, blah SAD, blah, blah, blah, I LOVED HIM,” *sniff, pout, cry, repeat*
. . .and Josh, who once a month, leaves embarassing, and incoherent ramblings on Aidan’s “Wall” . . .
So, Aidan has this great idea to start a Neighborhood Watch. (You know . . . to protect the community from scary things that could really hurt them . . . like vampires, werewolves, and ghosts.) Inherent irony of the situation notwithstanding . . . seriously? THAT was Aidan’s grand plan to make Cool New Pals? Was it Aidan’s INTENTION to collect the lamest group of friends EVER? Because, really, how many “cool people” do you know who participate in the Neighborhood Watch?
Oh yeah . . . Granny over here looks like just the person I’d want protecting the streets from evil, while I sleep.
Seriously though, if Aidan and Josh REALLY wanted to start a social circle including a group of their peers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to start a Twilight book club?
Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens “Like” this . . .
Most notable among the Neighborhood Watch attendees are . . . Josh’s Mini Me
. . . some chick who looks like Daria Morgendorffer from that old MTV cartoon . . .
Man, I miss that show!
. . . Danny . . . who, of course, leaves right away, after seeing how LAME this party is . . . (Not that Danny isn’t ALSO lame, because he totally is!)
“Is this the Star Trek Fan Club meeting?”
. . . and this Creepy Cop Guy with Mountain Man Facial Hair, who keeps staring intently at Aidan, like he wants to make out with him . . .
“Oooh, he must work out! I wonder if he has a Cop Fetish . . . or a thing for Guy’s with Beards . . .”
Aidan and Josh Try to Pimp Out Sally . . .
The next morning, the three roomies are hanging out in the bathroom, discussing how Sally might not be nearly so uptight and annoying, if she got laid every once in a while. So, Aidan and Josh decide to set Sally up with a ghost that Aidan met while working at the hospital. His name is Tony. But I would prefer to refer to him as the Ghost of Eighties Past . . .
At first, Sally is not down with boinking this Hair Band Reject. She likes her men more boring, soft-spoken, and effeminate. You know . . . like Danny. But then, through some scientific miracle that I can’t even begin to explain, Ghost of Eighties Past is able to SHAKE SALLY’S HAND (and, from the looks and sound of it, give her a MAJOR GHOST ORGASM!) . . .
I hope he washed his hands, first!
Suddenly, Sally is totally down for “playing” with the Ghost of Eighties Past. Things get even MORE exciting, when he tells her that she is not stuck in the house forever, as she previously thought. (Oh, thank the LORD! I couldn’t take much more of that!) You see, Sally doesn’t have a corporeal form like you and me. And, for that reason, she can go anywhere she wants, just by using her MIND!
This, of course, THRILLS Sally to no end. And, knowing that she can go anywhere, I bet you will never guess where she decides to go first?
Yeah . . . right back to the bathroom, where she was two seconds ago! (Girl’s got the imagination of a peanut!) After everyone’s peed and pooped, Sally decides to go downstairs and bother Josh, who is watching TV with his new friends Mini Me, and Daria Morgendorffer. The problem is, only JOSH can see her, which basically makes him look like a TOTAL lunatic, in front of his new pals . . .
The Awkward Moment when you are watching TV with your pals, and a weird Ghost Chick sits on your lap, and starts talking to you about flying . . .
Finally, Josh and the Ghost of Eighties Past manage to convince Sally to get the HELL out of the house. And so she does . . . and by out, I mean RIGHT OUTSIDE HER DOOR. (I lied. Peanuts are WAY more imaginative than Sally . . .)
Sally is so VERY proud of herself for moving an extra two inches, that she begins dancing around in circles like a five-year old. Ghost of Eighties Past, of course, sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to get into her sweatpants . . .
I mean that literally, of course, “Tony’s” bottom half ACTUALLY intertwines with, and becomes part of, Sally’s. It’s kind of gross, actually. Sally, of course, is APPALLED at the notion of screwing anyone aside from Dear Danny. And she tells Tony as much. Feeling rejected, Tony skulks back to his Mom’s Basement, where you just know he lived, until the day he died . . . at age 35. As for Sally, she goes back inside to pout about . . . you guessed it . . . Danny.
Josh tries to put some sense into Sally, explaining to her, that life isn’t an old Demi Moore movie from the Early 90’s. So, she’s never again going to be able to make “sweet, sweet . . . ghostly pottery” with Danny. The sooner she gets used to that, the better . . .
Then Ghost of Eighties Past returns to apologize to Sally. And I fell in love a bit more with Josh, as he defended Sally’s honor and chastity. “Well, if it isn’t Casper the HANDSY Ghost! Not THE PLAN, MAN!” Josh growls at Tony (even though, let’s be honest, getting Sally laid was TOTALLY his plan!).
Once he’s certain that Sally isn’t going to get Ghost Raped in her own house, Josh leaves the Dead Pair to their own devices . . .
Sally reluctantly forgives Tony for being an Invisible Date Rapist, and ultimately agrees to continue her Ghost Therapy with him. Since, Tony knows that Sally SUCKS at choosing travel destinations, he decides to select the next one . . . and it’s . . . a cemetery.
Wow, morbid much? Come to think of it, maybe letting Sally pick the destination all the time, wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. Ghost of Eighties Past Tony has decided to show Sally her grave, so that she can FINALLY come to terms with her own death. In Tony’s experience, doing this usually gives a Ghost the closure they need to cross over to the other side . . .
Unfortunately, for Sally, it just gives her grass stains on her ass! So, Tony decides to let her pick the next destination for their Wild and Wonderful Ghostly Journey . . . I’ll give you three guesses as to where they go. But I’m sure you will only need one. (And, no, it’s not the bathroom, this time.)
*sigh* Danny AGAIN! This time, she’s in his friggin house, staring at him, while he sleeps in his friggin bed. Ghost of Eighties Past gets fed up with her (just like the rest of us) and bails. We don’t blame him.
Back at the apartment, Josh tells Sally that he doesn’t think that her moving into Danny’s place will give her the closure she needs to move on to Heaven, or wherever it is she’s meant to go. So, Sally heads back to the cemetery to do some thinking . . . Tony is there waiting for her. He tells her that listening to Sally do nothing but bitch and moan about Danny for two days made him want to strangle her think about the love of his life, and whether she was doing “OK.”
So, he visited her. And, guess what, she’s doing JUST FINE, without the Hair Band Reject, who she dated ONCE 23 years ago! (SURPRISE!) Tony helpfully notes that, because his “ex” girlfriend was “open” to his presence, he was able to physically touch her . . hand. (Don’t get too excited, this is SyFy, not Skinimax . . . )
But you KNOW how much Sally likes HANDSHAKES, right?
So, this is VERY good news for her.
Then, a Very Cheesy and WAY TOO Literal Door to the Otherside magically appears in the cemetery. Everybody assumes its for Sally. (Actually, NOBODY assumes its for Sally. Because then there would be no more show. And we’ve only had three episodes so far. But we’ll play along . . .)
Sally tells the Ghost of Eighties Past that she knows the door is for HIM, not her. And so, he thanks her, and heads toward the door, secretly wishing his Guest Star Appearance could have been longer than one episode . . .
Don’t be sad, Tony! I hear they are filming a Ghost Version of Friends on the other side, and need someone to play Joey. You’d be PERFECT!
At the end of the episode, Sally returns to Danny’s house. (AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? ARE THEY KIDDING WITH THIS?) She tries to “touch” Danny, but finds, to her chagrin that he may already be “touching” someone else, if you catch my drift . . .
The Awkward Moment when you realize that your best friend and your once-fiance might be f*&king, and that they might do it on the couch RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!
And now for the storylines that didn’t annoy me . . .
Keeping the Neighborhood Safe from Graffiti Artists
Awww, Josh! You’ve gotta love him! He may not always get the best plotlines on this show. But he always makes do with what he has, by tossing out cute one liners, and charming us with HILARIOUS facial expressions! This week’s storyline, no joke, revolved around Josh trying to catch a neighborhood grafitti artist. His partner in crime on the hunt, was a guy who was pretty much exactly the person Josh WOULD HAVE BEEN, had he never been werewolf-ed.
While on the Watch, Josh chats with Mini Me, and learns that his alter ego is hoping to start his medical residency at the same hospital where Josh is currently working as an orderly. If you recall, Josh wanted to go to medical school, but never enrolled due to his CHANGE. Though Josh tries to be friendly and nonchalant, you can tell this conversation is really making Josh feel like crap about his life.
So, when the pair actually do find the Graffiti artist in question, a highly emotional Josh goes all Wolverine on his ass!
No, he wasn’t shirtless at the time. Yes, I’m using this adorable image anyway. Got a problem with that?
Mini Me looks on with amusement, which quickly gives way to horror, as Josh nearly rips the poor hoodlum in half, for doing nothing more serious than leaving a little extra paint on the wall. Eventually, Josh comes back to himself, and skulks away, as the graffiti artist, thankfuly, regains consciousness.
The next day at work, Mini Me is at the hospital awaiting an interview for the residency position, when he sees poor orderly Josh, literally sweeping crap off the floor. Mini Me wants to take Wolf Boy out for lunch. However, a miserably depressed Josh declines. Josh later admits to Aidan that he no longer wants to do his transformations at the hospital. He feels that, in order to maintain a “human” lifestyle,” he must embrace the wolf within him. Only by keeping that part of his life completely separate from his REAL one, will he be able to completely ensure that no one he cares about gets hurt.
The bad news, of course, is Poor Josh now feels even more lonely and isolated than before. The good news? I smell MORE OUTDOOR NUDEY SHOTS! 🙂
The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Drive Insane . . .
After learning from Bishop that the Crazy Cop Dude who was giving Aidan the eye, during the Neighborhood Watch meeting, has been using police resources to peek into Aidan’s past, Aidan promises that he will “handle it.” So, he meets Crazy Cop dude at a nearby bar, and confirms that the guy really is Batsh&t Insane, just as Bishop had feared . . .
Even though Crazy Cop Dude looks quite a bit older than Aidan, the former is ABSOLUTELY certain that Aidan is the evil criminal who murdered his dad in cold blood, back when Crazy Cop Dude was just 10-years old. To prove his point, Crazy Cop Dude pulls out a police sketch of his dad’s killer — a drawing that he’s probably had stuffed in his pants for about 30-years now. (EW!)
I assume this picture is supposed to look just like Aidan. But, honestly, it looks more like Frankenstein to me . . .
Aidan logically reasons that there is no way he could have killed Crazy Cop Dude’s father, as he wasn’t even “ALIVE” when the guy was murdered. (Get it . . . he was UNDEAD, during that time! Har, de, har, har) Then, since awkward conversations always make Aidan have to pee, he excuses himself, and heads to the bathroom . . . Of course, Crazy Cop Dude follows.
Quick, Aidan . . . PEE ON HIS LEG!
Crazy Cop Dude REALLY wants Aidan to take off his shirt (as do WE!). Unfortunately, his reasons aren’t NEARLY as fun as ours. You see, Crazy Cop Dude remembers that his dad’s killer had a tattoo on his chest with the name “Celine.” He wants to see if Aidan has the same tattoo. Fortuntely (or unfortunately, depending on how much you really wanted to see Shirtless Aidan this week), Aidan manages to scamper away before Crazy Cop Dude gets a chance to undress him.
But just when we think our boy Aidan’s going to be A-OK, Crazy Cop Dude jumps him in some alleyway. And then THIS happens . . .
Where’s the Neighborhood Watch when you need them, right?
Now, that Aidan’s been nailed to the wall, like some cheap piece of religious artwork, Crazy Cop Dude takes this opportunity to ogle his chest (YAY!). And yes, as supected, Aidan does bare the incriminating CELINE tattoo on his chest. But, honestly, I was too mesmerized by his hot pects and erect nipples to give that much thought . . .
WOAH!
Once Crazy Cop Dude has left the scene, and Aidan has finally managed to disimpale himself from the WALL, our Friendly Neighborhood Vampire rushes to the hospital for a quick drink . . .
And, honestly, I’ve got to say, given how LONG Aidan has been drinking blood, I’m a bit disappointed in what a Piggy Eater he turned out to be. Aidan, take note: there are WAY classier ways to dispose of a blood bag. Watch and learn . . .
Any questions?
You know, Aidan should REALLY start thinking twice about visiting public restrooms, because when he gets out of the stall after his little snack (looking FABULOUS, in his Super Tight White Tank Top, I might add), yet another Creepo is waiting for him . . .
Bishop is in the Potty with Aidan. Apparently, Big Bad Vampire Daddy REALLY wants to rub in Aidan’s face, what a “crap” job he has done so far in taking care of this whole Crazy Cop Dude thing . . .
*sings* “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah, you’re a Sucky Vampire!”
Aidan insists that, contrary to appearances, he TOTALLY has everything under control. You see, Aidan plans to compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget that Aidan killed his father, all those years ago. Bishop thinks this is a TERRIBLE idea, as Aidan has always been pretty lousy at compulsion, and has undoubtedly become even worse at it, since he stopped consuming LIVE blood. Bishop would prefer the more “honest” method of turning Crazy Cop Dude into a vampire himself.
I notice that this seems to be Bishop’s answer to EVERY problem. If Nike’s slogan is “Just Do It,” Bishop’s must be “Just Turn Them.” What Bishop doesn’t realize, however, is that his plan presents a number of logistical problems — the most notable being this: If EVERYONE on Earth is a vampire, who will be left to eat?
“Beats me!”
Not believing that his SIRE will make the right decision, when it comes to handling Crazy Cop Dude, Bishop (who in addition to being Head of Vampire Human Resources, and Local Funeral Director, is also, apparently, Police Chief) heads over to Crazy Cop Dude’s House to “talk.”
To be honest, I’m not quite sure why BISHOP didn’t compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget about his father’s murder, himself. After all, HE would certainly be strong enough to successfully remove the offending memories, without screwing the guy up any more than he already was. But, NO . . . Bishop is intent on getting another vampire for his growing collection. And so, he offers Crazy Cop Dude the Vampire Recruitment Pitch.
Crazy Cop Dude isn’t impressed. But when he tries to escape, Bishop’s henchman is waiting for him . . .
But before Mr. Henchman can turn Crazy Cop Dude into Aidan’s Blood Brother, Aidan arrives on the scene and intervenes. Henchman is ready to do battle with him, but Bishop smugly insists that Aidan and Crazy Cop Dude be left to their own devics. Clearly, Bishop has bigger plans in store for his petulant vampire child . . .
So, Aidan tries his hand at removing the offending memories from Crazy Cop Dude’s brain . . .
“I’ve got a headache THIS BIG . . . and it’s screaming for Vampire Compulsion!”
The next day, Aidan stalks Crazy Cop Dude’s home a bit. And when Aidan spies Crazy Cop Dude picking up the morning paper like a Normal Person, he is, understandably relieved . . .
Problem solved, right? Well . . . not exactly . . .
Cut to the next morning, where Bishop is giving Aidan a few choice words about the events of the previous evening. “You were right, Aidan. YOUR WAY was MUCH more humane,” Bishop snarks, throwing a large brown envelope in front of his “child,” before exiting stage left. And you KNOW what was in that envelope, don’t you?
THIS . . .
OK . . . now THAT’s just gross!
Just as Bishop had predicted, Aidan’s botched attempt at helping Crazy Cop Dude, by plucking traumatic memories from his brain, had the unintended effect of driving him so BATSH&T INSANE that the poor guy offed himself. Now, that’s gotta suck! Whether or not you felt this result was inevitable, your heart had to go out to poor Aidan, as he flipped through those grisly photographs, and wondered whether he could have somehow prevented this from happening . . .
(Kudos to Sam Witwer for quietly breaking my heart during this scene, with his understated, yet breathtakingly touching, performance.)
And, just because I don’t like to end my recaps on a truly depressing note, please enjoy this picture of Sam Witwer Shirtless and holding a phallic object . . .
Welcome back, fellow Humans! (If that’s what you REALLY are . . . 😉 ) This week’s installment of SyFy’s newest hit series (ONLY hit series?), definitely wrapped up some of the storylines presented in the pilot episode. However, it also presented our favorite supernatural roommates with some new, very interesting, problems . . . ones that will surely plague them for many episodes to come . . .
SHE is definitely going to be a problem!
If tonight’s episode had a “theme” to it, I’d say that theme had to do with the acceptance of one’s true nature. For some, that acceptance can have negative consequences. For example, Rebecca became an Evil Super B*tch, once SHE accepted her new bloodsucking nature. And, we suspect, the same thing would happen to Aidan, if he decided to go back to his old vampiric ways.
For others, acceptance of who you are, can lead you to a better life (or lack thereof). Once Sally gave up trying to be heard as a human, she realized that being a ghost allows for other, more unique, methods of communication. It also saves a TON of money on airfare!
I’m flying, WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!
As for Josh, his refusal to come to terms with his wolfy nature, has kept him isolated from the people he loves — first, his parents and fiance, and now, his own baby sister . . .
The only thing hotter than a brooding werewolf, is a naked one . . .
Come on, Josh! Be OUT . . . and PROUD (and stop covering your crotch, we wanna see)!
But enough of this philosophical mumbo jumbo, let’s get on with the episode, shall we?
Home Improvement for Dummies
Is that a pool of blood behind your head, Sally? Or are you just happy to see me?
Ghost Sally spends much of this episode having funeral flashbacks, pining after her fiance (Does EVERYONE have a Long Lost Fiance on this show?), and breaking sh*t in the apartment, because she is feeling moody. (I wonder if ghosts still get PMS?)
After a whole lot of begging on Sally’s part, Aidan and Josh finally relent and invite their landlord, and Sally’s once fiance, Danny, to fix the clogged sink in the apartment, which Sally broke on purpose, precisely for this occasion!
“That’ll teach you to be cheap, and not get homeowners’ insurance!”
Sally gets pretty darn frustrated, when the man she loves LITERALLY doesn’t know she’s alive (because she . . . um . . . isn’t). When Danny arrives at the house for the first time, since Josh and Aidan moved in, Sally’s emotions go heywire. This, of course, results in all the lights in the house EXPLODING! (Nice one, Sally!) Josh, who actually LIKES having working light fixtures in his home, is not amused, by this new development.
“Seriously! You need to find some new hobbies! Why don’t we invite over that kid from the Sixth Sense, and you two can hold a seance, or something?”
For his part, Danny can’t understand why in the world ANYBODY would want to live in this Ghost-Infested Death Trap he used to call home. Clearly not a particularly savvy business man, Danny actually goes so far as to ask Aidan whether the apartment is as creepy as it seems. “Every home has an echo of the people who used to live in it. There’s a good echo here,” explains Vampire Aidan, causing Sally’s ghostly panties (not to mention, mine) to fall to the floor, as a result.
*sings* “He really likes me. He thinks I’m sexy. He wants to date me.”
“Damn, I’m gooooood!”
This, of course, brings up an important question: Can ghosts have sex?
I didn’t think so . . . (Sorry Sally! It looks like the vampire is MINE!)
Aidan, who is clearly angling to get supernaturally laid, throws Sally another bone, by asking Danny how his fiance died. Danny, who is officially the WORST landlord and realtor EVER, not only explains in explicit detail how Sally fell down the steps and broke her brain, he even points out the SUPER CREEPY spot on the floor where she croaked! In fact, Danny all but drew a chalked outline of Sally’s decaying body on the floor for Josh and Aidan to keep as a souvenir! Now, if that doesn’t make a house fell like a home, I don’t know what does!
The next day, while the guys are out, Danny returns to the apartment to fix the sink. He comes prepared, carrying a trusty Home Improvement for Dummies book under his arm . . .
Product Placement Alert!
But as good as Home Improvement for Dummies may be at teaching dummies like Danny to unclog a sink, I’m willing to bet there’s no chapter in it on “Ghostbusting” . . .
“Who you gonna call? (I ain’t afraid of no Sally!)”
And when Danny ignores Sally’s ghostly pleas for him to hire a plumber, Ghost Girl gets so mad, that she breaks the pipe beneath the sink, causing Danny to become soaked with water. (But, hey, at least it’s not clogged anymore!) Aidan arrives home, just in time to see Wet Danny escaping the apartment, like a bat out of hell.
Later, Josh and Sally commiserate with one another, over the fact that they can’t be with their respective fiances anymore, because according to Josh “[We] are monsters, and [they] are not.”
Though things may look grim now, Sally’s romantic life may actually be starting to look up! WAY UP! Because, toward the end of the episode, Sally learns that SHE CAN FLY! And you know what this means, don’t you? She may actually be able to LEAVE THE HOUSE at some point (which is kind of essential, if you plan on getting laid, ever) . . .
“See ya, Boys! I’m off to Victoria’s Secrets to buy some lingerie. I’ve been wearing this outfit for SIX MONTHS, and it’s high time I slipped into something ‘more comfortable.'”
So, I mentioned Josh, earlier . . .which, if you watched last week’s episode, may have caused you to wonder, whether he ended up actually eating his sister, Emily, after being locked in a room with her, during his werewolf transformation. Well, allow me to fill you in, on THAT part of the tale.
All Bark and No Bite
“I smell a cliffhanger!”
So, as I mentioned, when we last left Josh, he was getting all werewolfy in a locked room beneath the hospital where he works, and his baby sister was locked in there with him. He tried to call Aidan to rescue him, but Aidan was “eating dinner” at the time at Fangtasia Bishop’s Dungeon o’ Vampire Love, and couldn’t come to the phone . . .
Fortunately, however, Aidan finished eating just in time to catch Josh’s frantic telephone message. And so, the Sexy Vamp races to the “dungeon” and rescue’s Emily, just moments before Josh becomes a full-on Beast. Realizing, the poor girl probably just had the worst night EVER, Kindly Aidan then takes Emily to a local diner for some coffee . . .
At the diner, Aidan explains to Emily, that Josh is “going through some stuff right now” (Understatement of the Year), but that he is going to be OK. He just needs some “time” to eat more poor defenseless deer figure things out.
However, when Emily confronts Josh after the traumatic event, offering him her help and support, Josh rebuffs her. “My life is different now . . . You don’t know me . . . you can’t help me . . . Leave me alone,” He tells his own flesh and blood, in front of her new girlfriend (who, according to Emily is a Shiksa Goddess) . . .
Now THAT had to hurt!
Speaking of danger, you might be wondering what happened with Aidan and that “dead girl,” who police suspected him of killing (because he DID kill her) . . .
There’s a New Vamp in Town
Aidan learns that his one-night stand, Rebecca, is not so much dead, as undead, when she tries to EAT HIS ROOMMATE . . .
Fortunately, for Josh, Werewolf is not exactly Baby Vamp Rebecca’s new favorite food. So, she ends up sparing his life. But Josh still has quite the bone to pick with his roommate about his most recent brush with death.
“What’s the point of doing all this . . . playing house . . . and joining CostCo . . . if you are just going to keep killing all of our friends!” Josh exclaims. (The dude’s got a point, Aidan!)
When Aidan confronts Rebecca about the whole “We Used to Screw, Until I Killed You” Thing, he learns that his sort-of ex holds a MAJOR grudge against him, for leaving her for dead on that fateful night. (Apparently, Jacob from Lost Bishop turned her into a vampire, and “oriented her to the lifestyle” the following morning.)
Aidan offers to help Rebecca cope with their mutual “curse,” and “be good.” But Rebecca would prefer to be BAD, and EAT HER FAMILY for fun. So, Aidan and Rebecca don’t exactly share the same “moral values,” which . . . I guess . . is as good a reason to break up as any. (Then again, being MURDERED by your boyfriend is also a fairly good reason to end a relationship.)
At work, Quirky Nurse Cara tries to hit on Hot Aidan, by making a very dated 90210 reference (not the new 90210, mind you, the VERY OLD one).
When Aidan doesn’t exactly appear to be wowed by Cara’s Dylan McKay joke, Little Miss Quirky gets very embarrassed, indeed. “Oh my gosh, I’m older than you,” she mumbles.
“Oh . . . I don’t think that’s true,” replies the centuries old Aidan. “I just never watched 90210, because I am a STRAIGHT MALE.”
But Majorly Obscure and Dated Pop Culture references are not enough to deter Cara. So, she asks Aidan out on a date to the local bar, which is located nearby. Aidan is obviously enticed by Nurse Cara’s scent. (Then again, maybe he just REALLY likes red heads, I still can’t tell . . .). However, Aidan fears that, if given the chance, he will eat Cara, just like he did Rebecca. So, he tries to let the girl down easy. “Oh, I’m not that much fun,” the actually SUPER FUN Vampire demurs.
“Me NEITHER!” Cara responds excitedly. (Woah, this Quirky Nurse is RELENTLESS!)
After work, Aidan heads to the funeral home where Big Bad Vampire Bishop conducts his daily business. (How appropriate!)
Aidan gives Bishop the business about turning his ex-girlfriend, who Bishop obviously is using as a bargaining chip to bring Aidan back into the Vampire Fold. “You don’t screw up often. So, when you did, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. [Rebecca] is quite a find,” remarks Bishop.
Once again, Aidan reminds the Head of the Vampire Recruitment Agency that he is no longer interested in that particular line of work. (Cleaning up bedpans, is WAY more his style!) And yet, the conversation with Bishop stresses out Aidan enough, that he finds himself in desperate need of a drink. And so, off to the bar he heads. Of course, the ever-persistent Nurse Cara is there, waiting for him . . .
As soon as Aidan gets one whiff of Cara, he’s ready to drain her dry. And so, Aidan calls his Vampires Anonymous sponsor, Josh (who, does, after all, owe him, for the whole “Sister Rescue” Thing) to come to the bar, and save Cara from becoming dessert. But, before Josh can arrive, Evil Rebecca comes over and TOTALLY cock blocks Aidan, by telling Cara, in no uncertain terms, that she and the closeted vamp used to bang.
A bit intimidated by Rebecca’s Mean Girl attitude, Nurse Cara eventually leaves Aidan, and heads back to her friends. So, Rebecca decides to use this Alone Time to make another play for Aidan’s affections. (Seriously, who DOESN’T want to bone this guy?)
When Aidan rejects her, Rebecca gets even, by enticing a silly male human to go back to her place, and (we assume) die a very painful death, by draining. Interestingly enough, Aidan “rescues” the guy, by beating the crap out of him, so he can’t leave the bar with the hungry female vamp. This pisses Rebecca off, so she takes a bite out of Nurse Cara instead . . .
Josh arrives just in time to see Cara nearly bleeding to death. In the alley, just outside the bar, both Josh and the lurking Rebecca, plead for Aidan to turn Cara into a vampire (though they both, obviously, have very different reasons for wanting him to do this). But Aidan refuses to turn Cara. So, he and Josh rush the poor girl to the hospital instead, for a bit of “old-fashioned” human healing . . .
JOSH: “You should have turned her. Now she’s going to die because of you!”
AIDAN: “Nah, she won’t die. Because you are in SERIOUS need of a love interest on this show. And so far, unless you plan on banging your sister. she’s the best option you’ve got!”
While the two supernaturally-inclined roommates await the still-human, Cara’s fate, Aidan gets pulled aside by Big Bad Vampire Bishop, who ALSO wants to know why he decided not to turn Nurse Cara into a vampire.
“Maybe I am sentenced to a lifetime in hell with you, but here, and now, I choose them [humans],” Aidan explains eloquently.
Eventually, Josh also comes to terms with Aidan’s decision not to turn Cara. This is evidenced by his conversation with Ghost Sally, in the final moments of the episode.
“We take for granted how good Aidan is . . . and how he must struggle every day not to be like THEM,” remarks Josh.
“Do you think he should have saved [Cara]?” Sally inquires.
“I think he did,” the Werewolf replies.
Eh, I don’t know about all that. Personally, being a vampire, always seemed like kind of an awesome Lifestyle Choice to me. Then again, what do I know? I’m only “human.”
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