Tag Archives: Mark

Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

the mask

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

sword maker

2 18 hencer holding a knife pll

. . . it was also about masks . . .

time to die

smokin

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

got a rock

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

stiles like i have the right 2 one

stiles like i have the right 2 2

become

Source

Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

stiles with wolf hat

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

wake uppppp stiles

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

jack o

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

smush

“What did I do to deserve this?

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

matrix

why

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

off shirt 2

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

time to die

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

what happened

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

firefly people

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

punch throat

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

another werewolf

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

shifty dad

cant trust anybody color

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

so pretty

ep 9 obviously stiles

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

kidnapped dad

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

girl on fire

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

red eyes

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

on fire

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

le douche

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

darn kids

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

winky stiles

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

power station 1

dad in law en

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

no idea what im doing

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

teen wolf 12 cry scott

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

mischeivous stiles

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

glowing

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

key enter

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

i so want to hit that

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

hot girl

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

shes evil

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

voldemorteet

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

torn up derek 2

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

not a tumor

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

the nakeds

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

make them want us

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

awww stilesy

flower power

. . and Isaac .  . .

isaac scarf

grumpy

. . . and Lydia . . .

lydia smirk

stopped caring

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

no bad guys

big boyd wolf

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

gotcha twins

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

bad scott

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

sad pants

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

taking pic

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

candy for kids

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

tee hee

“Sure sounds like fun!”

arh

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

thieves

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

stiles key

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

dummy

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

the phone

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

too long to charge

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

the hero

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

not amused by stiles

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

teen wolf abortiaclinique

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

time warp

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

kelly o

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

kelly os

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

very gay

painted 3

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

be right back

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

matrix guy

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

uninvited

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

where are we

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

talk scott 3

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

mackin

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

stiles

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

like boys

like boys 2

Source

It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

check out your key

glowy key

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

fox head

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

next victim

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

found sign

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

stiles rescue

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

oh no

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

make it easier

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

not an orgy - Copy

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

look into my firefly eyes

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

really loved you in matrix

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

this partys over

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

kung fu fighting laala

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

had a bad da

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

sword maker

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

superman

 

negativity and scarf

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

isaac scarf

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

danger

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

the sun

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

dying daddy

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

evil stiles

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

sleeping stiles

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

abominable snowman

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

sex me now 2

Until next time . . .

hi stiles

 

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That was Kol-d! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “A View to a Kill”

defans jeremy hulk

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JerBear, SMASH!

“If you’re going to be bad, be bad with a purpose.”

bad purpose 2

These are the sage words of advice “Mostly Reformed” Villain Damon Salvatore offers “Most-of-the-Time” Villain Klaus Mikaelson, while their respective friends and lovers are out trying to murder Klaus’ brother Kol.

A little ironic . . . don’t ya think?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But is Damon right?  Are TV characters who do bad things for good reasons always redeemable, while those who do bad things for bad reasons are, in the words of Damon, himself, “just dicks?”

douchebag jar misomeru

Take for example the now dearly departed, Kol Mikaelson.  Here’s a guy who, make no mistakes, has been doing some pretty bad things lately.  Let’s see . . .

He killed a group of innocent newbie vampires in a bar (though, let’s face it, they were all pretty much goners, regardless).

dead baby vamps

He threatened his own sister with the True Death.

hot kol 2

He made Damon stab himself.

stabbing self

He compelled Damon to kill Jeremy.

zombie damon

He terrorized Elena and Jeremy in their own home.

kol rampage

Trust me, Santa is definitely not putting Kol on any Nice List, this year.

santa klaus

And yet, ostensibly speaking, Kol had good reasons for doing all of these things.  He was doing them to try to avoid what he believed was the arrival of the END OF THE WORLD.

The Scooby Gang, on the other hand, murdered Kol, and, by extension THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of vampires . . . not all of whom were definitively terrible people, by the way . . . because they wanted to . . . make it easier for Elena to resolve her romantic feelings for Damon and Stefan?

stefan shrug

Hmm . . . maybe Damon’s wrong.  Perhaps, the difference between a redeemable TV villain and an irredeemable one really just comes down to . . . whose name is higher on the credits?

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre,  whose screencaps are .  . . wait for it . . . to DIE FOR, MWAH-HAHAHA!]

Vampire Walk of Shame

pissed stef

“Oh crap!”

Those of us out there who have had the unfortunate experience of making a Bad Decision after a night of drinking, can certainly relate to Stefan’s desire to “dress and dash” at the first morning’s light,  in order to avoid the inevitable “awkward conversation” that typically follows such Bad Decisions.  Super vampire speed can come in pretty handy, in such situations!

hush little

*tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, door open, squeeeeeaaaak*

Unless, of course, you are making Bad Decisions with other vampires.  Then, you are kind of screwed . . .

hello mate

“Hello, Guy Who just F*&ked My Sister.  Care for a spot of tea?”

Stefan learns this the hard way, when he tries to make a quick escape from Rebekah’s bed, only to find himself face-to-face with her brother, Klaus .  . . who, let’s face it, always seemed to have a not-so-secret crush on Stefan.

3 11 klefandiaries love never dies

Talk about awkward!

Fortunately for Stefan, Klaus isn’t there to take a walk down Memory Sex Lane.  He actually just wants Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger, so that he can put down his pesky brother Kol.  Rebekah has a few choice words for Klaus,  in response to his request, and they rhyme with “Yuck Foo” (or, at least they would, if this show was on cable, instead of the CW).

sookie shut the fuck up

Stefan, on the other hand, is a bit more receptive to Klaus’ argument.  After all, daggering Kol, at least, at the present moment, seems to be the key to . . . wait for it . . . SAVING ELENA.

happy elena

Something in the Water

Caroline is inexplicably on hiatus again, this week . . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

This means that Bonnie must take on her job of . . . having highly unnatural sounding telephone conversations with other members of the cast, with the sole purpose of re-hashing the plot of last week’s episode . . .

previously on

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

strangle balloon

“I’d rather strangle this balloon than be having this conversation.”

I thought the show’s annoying helpful new intro took care of this . . .

“I’m stuck in the house, because Damon is compelled to kill Jeremy.  But I want Jeremy to kill Kol.  Because killing Kol means killing his entire vampire line.  And killing lots of vampires means Jeremy’s tattoo can grow.  And Jeremy’s fully grown tattoo equals a map to the vampire cure,” rambles Elena, as she essentially makes my “job” as a recapper completely useless.

3 5 angry fixed at zero other nat and gace

Thanks a lot, biatch!

I’m not going to lie.  I cheered when the newly-vervained water supply burned Elena’s dainty plot-spoiling fingertips.  Girlfriend had it coming . . .

ayeeee

“Ayeeeeeeeee . . .”

Mayor McSad

im a witch

“Do you have any idea how many supernatural creatures live here?  You do realize that by vervaining supply, you are going to ensure that none of them can shower, right?  Do you know how bad this place is going to stink, in about two days?

whistle

*whistles*

Taking a page out of the movie Footloose, Bonnie’s dad unilaterally decides that teenagers dancing leads to death.  So, he opts to cancel the school’s annual decade dance.

dont dance

Unfortunately, in this case, dude’s probably right.

TVD’s Decade Dance episodes are almost always their most bloody.  And this one will be no exception . . . In fact, it can be argued that this episode’s body count is the highest in TVD history . . .

Bonnie’s pretty pissed about the whole “no dance” thing.  (She blew up those 99 damn red balloons for nothing!)

grrrr owl

bonnie kol

“Oddly enough, this is the most action I’ve had since I stopped sleeping with my almost brother.”

And I imagine her No Dance rage had a bit to do with her going all Stephen King’s Carrie on Kol, when he tried to accost her in the hallway by the lockers.

pop balloon

“NO!  Not popped balloons!  Anything but popped balloons!  Please Bonnie, have mercy on my soul!  (Maybe you could just give me a papercut, like you did that Shane guy.)”

Now granted, Bonnie does some pretty cool witchy things, by the end of this episode.   So, I’ll give her a break here.  But it must be said, that, just like with last week’s “gave Shane a paper cut,” moment, Bonnie’s “defense” against Kol’s advances is pretty Magic Lame.  Popping balloons?  Slamming lockers?  Around these parts that’s what we call a Temper Tantrum.

And yet “All Powerful Original Vampire” Kol was on his knees, inexplicably screaming in anguish from this lackluster demonstration.  So, Not-Yet-Dark-Willow 2.0 must have been doing something right. . .

dark willow

Damon Salvatore’s Revenge Sex Handbook, and other items on my Must Read List

nice floor

Dirty, pride-wounded, and half drained of blood, Damon is still looking mighty hot, as he naps on the floor of the Makeshift Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  Stefan treats his brother like a dog, throwing  blood vial treats on the floor by his face, and offering him probably piss warm re-bottled tap water to drink.  (Important later)  What’s the matter, Steffy?  You couldn’t spring from some Poland Spring?

wet damon 2

Oh how the mighty hath fallen!  Big Bad Klaus has been relegated to the job of babysitter/ prison warden, while Stefan heads out looking for Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger to use on Kol.

prison warden

“Peekaboo!  It’s your friendly neighborhood prison warden!”

the show

He shares with Damon gossip about Stefan’s sexcapades with Rebekah.  And I’ll be damned if big bro doesn’t seem just the slightest bit proud of his brother’s newfound sluttiness!

damon approves

“Look whose taken a page out of my Revenge Sex Handbook,” muses Damon.

First Katherine, then Elena, and now Rebekah . . . these two bro vamps sure do seem to enjoy dipping their pens in the same company ink, don’t they?  Speaking of Salvatore Sex Buddies . . .

Elena’s Master Plan

Stefan is pissed off enough at Elena to remove her picture from his cell phone, but not pissed enough to delete her from his contacts entirely.  So, when Elena calls Stefan, the generic “Male Silhouette” pops up on his phone, instead of his ex-girlfriend’s smug face.

I thought it was pretty hilarious that, when Elena started detailing her plans to Stefan on how she planned to kill Kol, Stefan turned on his motorcycle, so Klaus couldn’t hear them.

whaaat

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

moto

“Wait, I’m turning on my motorcycle so Klaus can’t hear us.”

whaaat

“WHHHHHAAAAT???!”

screaming stef

“I SAID, I’M TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, SO KLAUS CAN’T HEAR . . . oh, fudge!”

Riiiiight, because the Original Vampire’s Super Hearing is strong enough that he can hear telephone conversations going on UPSTAIRS and OUTSIDE HOUSE WALLS, but not telephone conversations that are DROWNED OUT BY THE DULL ROAR OF AN ENGINE.

Damon eye roll

Anywhoo, Elena wants Stefan to use the Make-Originals-Take-a-Nap dagger on Rebekah (or, rather, have Matt do it for him), so that Jeremy can kill Kol, and Bonnie can “do something” to Klaus.  And, just like that, the Band is back together again . . .

Happy House Guests and Maneaters

All two people who shipped Elena and Kol as a couple were probably thrilled that it was her job to hit on him in her home, while Matt helped Stefan look for Rebekah’s dagger, and JerBear headed off in search of BonBon.  Kol tries to smooth, by waxing poetic about “music” and yammering on about the classy alcoholic beverages of yesteryear.  But let’s face it, he’s no Elijah . . .

hi im elijah

video games

ELENA: “Yooooo hooo, I’m flirting with you, and plying you with alcohol!  It’s your job to love me!  Don’t forget what show you’re on!”

KOL: “Shut up, wench.  I’m in the middle of beating Grand Theft Auto.”

ELENA:  “You’re sooo not surviving this episode . . .”

Why not stick to what you do best, Kol?  Making people stab themselves, and clocking them on the head with baseball bats?

kol bat

Meanwhile, Rebekah is rocking out to the song “Maneater,” while whining about the lameness of 80’s fashions.  Having missed every single decade dance, since the show’s inception, Rebekah seems more resigned than dejected, when she learns that this one was canceled.

rebekah heart

And yet, try as she might to look nonchalant, when Stefan presents her with the idea of attending the dance anyway, the perpetual 17-year old’s face lights up, like a kid on Christmas morning . . .

go to the dance

“If this were really an 80’s movie, you’d be the bitchy girl, who, dated James Spader, and got screwed in the end, while Molly Ringwald got the boy.  But since you were sleeping during that decade, we can pretend it’s the other way around.”

Villain Bonding Session

In my second favorite scene in the episode (we’ll get to my favorite soon enough), Klaus randomly asks Damon for advice on how to get the girl of your dreams to fall in love with you, despite the fact that you occasionally murder people she cares about . . .

blonde vamp

damon-compels-caroline-gif

“Been there, done her . . .”

As I mentioned at the beginning of this recap, Damon advises Klaus that the key to being a redeemable villain is doing bad things for good reasons.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Klaus all that much.  After all, he’s the guy that killed Aunt Jenna, because he wanted to build himself a Slave Army, and killed Tyler’s mom and twelve hybrids, because he was Having a Bad Day . . .

3 9 better klaus cry

Cheer up, Klaus.  Redemption is overrated, anyway . . .

Worst .  . . Family Meeting EVERRRRRR!

Sucky is when your dad confiscates your cell phone and your car keys, so you can’t go out and play in the Save Elena games with your Scooby Gang.

got your phone

“I got your phone, and you can’t have it, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhhh.”

SUPER SUCKY is when your ex-boyfriend barges in and tries to kill your vampire mother, so she suffocates you, and drugs you, so you can’t leave the house . . .

stop talking

“Ew, mom, your hand stinks.  Who have you been eating?”

Ode to the 80’s

Unlike some of the other decades this series has represented, you can tell that the 80’s is one that a majority of the show’s writers have actually lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, tacky wardrobe choices notwithstanding.  Paul Wesley (speaking in Stefan’s voice, of course), who, himself is an 80’s baby, seems almost wistful, as he describes movies like Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club.

80s movie

I gotta say though, I kind of thought they’d go with a Pretty in Pink reference, especially given the locale .  . .

pretty-in-pink-fb

But I guess that’s not really a “Dude Movie,” not even for “sensitive vampire dudes” like Stefan . . .

Though I bet Edward Cullen would just eat that sh*t up .  . .

EdwardCullen

And while, as far as plot points go, this scene did little to advance the main story, it did serve to reveal a side of both Rebekah and Stefan that we haven’t seen before . . . their shared sentimentality and sense of nostalgia.  Plus, I thought it was a little kinky that Rebekah’s “koala corsage,” was grabbing at her boob the whole time they danced . . .

dancing

copping

Upon learning that Rebekah has conveniently hidden the dagger in her boot, Stefan gets right to business, cleverly suggesting the pair practice The Breakfast Club Slide (Is that a Thing?  I didn’t know that was a Thing?), as a way to get her barefoot.

breakfast club slide

She sees right through his evil scheme, though . . .

Ruh Roh!  Nice knowing ya, Steffy!

beating up stefan

Except . . . wait a minute  . . . Rebekah’s totally COOL with giving her little bro the Big Sleep . . .

. . . if it means getting a chance to use the vampire cure on herself, that is . . .

wanna be human

Sorry Matt Donovan, Dagger Finder!  You’ve just been rendered entirely useless, for yet another episode . . .

always a bridesmaid

“Always a bridesmaid . . .”

Speaking of Originals, who know they’ve been betrayed . . .

Burning MAD!

After phoning Brother Klaus to give him the 411 on his so-called allies, Kol angrily barges back into Casa Gilbert to tell Elena he’s denied her phony request for a truce.  He stabs Elena with some wood, tries to chop off Jeremy’s arm on the carving table, gets sprayed in the face with vervain water, and chases Elena and JerBear around the house a bit, like he’s the Wil E. Coyote, and they are the Road Runners.

baked jeremy

“Anybody hungry?  I thought I’d make some Hunter’s Stew, heavy on the hunter.”

And just like the Wil E. Coyote, Kol makes one VERY stupid mistake . . .

Hey buddy, question for you.  Why would you bring THE WEAPON DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO KILL ONLY YOU to the house of the people who REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU?

draco malfoy facepalm

“I’m a mini villain, and even I know that’s a bad idea.”

And kill him they do!  While Kol is being distracted by vervain water and shiny objects (like Elena’s boobs), Elena grabs the stake from him, tosses it to JerBear, and allows the latter to finish the job.

burning kol

“Stop drop and roll, buddy.  Just stop, drop and roll . . .”

KABLOOEY,  Hot Kol has just become REALLY HOT KOL .  . .

And then ASH KOL . . .

And then DEAD KOL . . .

No spinoff for you, little man!  That’s what you get for not being nice to Elena on the Everybody Loves Elena show. . .   Better luck, next series!

happy elena

Klaus the Mime

Hey guys, Kol’s dead!

You know what that means.  That’s right.  An uncompelled Damon has earned his Get of Jail Free card from the Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  More importantly, now he can go back to screwing Elena.  YIPPEEE!

sexy delena 2

In other news, Bonnie went all Witchy Roid Rage on her parental units, and made it back to Casa Gilbert just in time for a furious Klaus to land on their doorstep, and realize his brother is Definitely Dead this time . . . not just taking a 500 year nap, like last time . .  .

burn house

Klaus, of course, is hopping mad, and threatens to blow Elena’s house down, like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs story.  Actually, he threatens to BURN it down.  Honey, your brother already tried that.  It didn’t work out so well for him.

burning kol

Turns out, Klaus didn’t really want the cure to make Elena human, and make more hybrids.  He wants to DESTROY IT!

(Really, Klaus?  You go through all that trouble to find something, and then you want to throw it away?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to go along with Kol’s plan, and prevent the cure from being found at all?)

funny kol face

“Now you tell me?”

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Bonnie leads Klaus into the Gilbert living room, and inexplicably uses some witchy juju to LOCK HIM IN . . .

fist pump

“Klaus, you’re doing it wrong.  Clearly, in your thousand years of time on Earth, you never spent time at the Jersey Shore.  A fist pump looks like this.”

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Cue Klaus screaming and banging his fist against the air.  That homeless mime, who I see every day outside the subway would be SO impressed.  Screw the Originals spinoff.  I want to watch a show that features new guest stars every week coming to talk to a faux-imprisoned Klaus at the Gilbert Home.  Imagine all the hijinks!  They could call it “Klaus in a Box.”

lonnie oh my feelings

Source

Speaking of funny . . .

You wouldn’t like JerBear when he’s angry . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome the Scooby Gang reunites for my favorite scene of the episode.  At first, nothing much happens.  Damon and Elena hug and kiss, but can’t do much else, because all those pesky other people are there watching.

Delena-Hug-3-2x12-damon-and-elena-18786642-500-254

Stefan pops in to inform everyone that their former nemesis, Rebekah, has now joined the Scoobies. And why not?  After all, Rebekah has already paid the membership fee, by getting a Stefan injection . . . if you catch my drift . . .

stebekah 1

Elena, of course, thinks this idea is crap.  Because she’s the fairest one of all, gosh darn it!  And she’s not going to have to put up with another lady who has intimate knowledge of which Salvatore brother has the bigger weiner.  No sir!  Not on the Everybody Loves Elena Show! she doesn’t trust Rebekah.

Damon and Stefan exchange words about their lady loves.  Stefan issues a particularly below the belt sire bond comment.

oh hell to the no

The two are about to beat the crap out of one another for the 85,000 time this series  . . .

punching stefan

Source

 . . . when . . . MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE HAPPENS!

JerBear starts growling, and ripping off his shirt, like he’s just been told he got the starring role in Hulk: The Musical.  And I start laughing hysterically at his expense, until I see his muscles all covered in dead vampire tattoos.  Then, suddenly, I fall silent, mesmerized by the hotness of it all.

muscles 2

muscles 1

x marks the spot

BabyScared

Surely, the sight of Jeremy’s naked chest makes the death of thousands of vampires, worth it?  Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, the Scooby Gang goes camping on Lost island!  (Here’s hoping Damon and Elena have sex in a bear cage.)

KateSawyer cage

See you then, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

DUCK Don! – A Recap of Mad Men’s “The Rejected”

 

When someone throws a ceramic paperweight at your head, that’s probably a good sign the relationship is over . . .

Poor Don!  He seemed to be the only character not having much fun in this episode.  Then again, his secretary  his f*ck buddy Allison probably wasn’t having all that much fun either . . .

And yet, what could be more fun than throwing a hard round object at your (sort-of-but-not-really) ex-boyfriend’s head?  I mean, the way I see it, Don got off easy.  After all, Allison could have had access to a John Deere tractor . . .

 . . . and that would have made things considerably . . . messier.

But before I get started on this recap, a tribute must be paid.  Did you know that John Slattery, the guy who plays Roger Sterling, directed this episode?

Pretty impressive, right?  Here’s to you, Roger  John, for a job VERY well done!

Let’s begin, shall we?

What the world needs now is more little Campbells . . .

If the kiddies ask, tell them that this is what the act of procreation looks like . . .

“That looks fun, Mommy!  I want to procreate RIGHT NOW!”

When we first see Pete, he is dealing with some bad news.  You see, Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Pryce has recently landed the lucrative Ponds Face Cream account.

Unfortunately, the acquisition conflicts with the company’s, slightly less lucrative, Clearasil account, a company which just so happens to be headed up by Pete’s father-in-law.

Therefore, it is up to Pete to effectively dump his wife’s Daddy, on the company’s behalf.

So, Pete meets his stepdad at a bar — undoubtedly, hoping to soften the blow a bit, by getting his Pops all liquored up, before he delivers the bad news.

“How dry I am!  How wet I’ll be, if I don’t find . .  . the bathroom key!”

But Pops already knows what Pete has to tell him, or at least he thinks he does.  Not realizing that his daughter hasn’t told Pete yet, Trudy’s dad accidentally spills the beans that Trudy is pregnant.  Pete is THRILLED!

This has NEVER HAPPENED TO HIM BEFORE . . .

 . . .  well . . . it’s never happened before, on purpose.

In fact, Pete is so overwhelmed by the good news, that he completely forgets to tell his stepdad about the BAD NEWS.  At home, Pete and Trudy rejoice over the upcoming new addition to their happy family. 

This pair is so genuinely sweet, and the warmth and chemistry between them so intense, that it almost makes me feel guilty about secretly rooting for a Pete and Peggy repeat hookup in the future . . .

. . . ALMOST!

Ever the ideal housewife, Trudy isn’t even mad, when she finds out about Pete having to dump representation of her father’s company.  In fact, she offers to drop the axe on her Dad, HERSELF! 

Woah, talk about whipped!  Pete must be a STALLION in the sack, to merit this kind of selfless behavior, on the part of his wife.  Then again, maybe he just has a really big . . . GUN.

Pete Campbell and Ken Cosgrove: Reunited and it feels so good!

“Hey, Pete!  Mr. Rogers called.  He would really like his  sweater back . . .”

Good news notwithstanding, Pete had another problem to cope with this week.  Namely, his frenemy / former nemesis, Ken Cosgrove, was getting married to some filthy rich trust fund baby, and wanted to meet Pete for lunch.

Remember when Pete punched Ken in the face, because Ken had called the secretly pregnant Peggy, fat?  Good times . . .

At the lunch, after a few moments of awkward silence, Pete and Ken air out their respective beefs with one another.  Ken calls Pete out for talking smack about him behind his back — a charge which Pete vehemently denies, despite it obviously being TRUE!

“Now Ken, you know I would never say anything to your face, that I wouldn’t say behind your back.”

As for Pete, he finally rids himself of the nagging notion that Ken is a better person and account manager than he (which he totally is, by the way!).  He does this by shamelessly bragging about his being able to become a Dad before Ken does.

“You can’t have one yet!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah!”

Later, Ken expresses his frustration with his new advertising firm.  (Apparently, he left the former Sterling Cooper, shortly after Don & Co. defected).  Specifically, Ken gripes about his firm’s representation of only Mountain Dew, as opposed to ALL Coca Cola products.  “What’s the point of having pieces, if you can’t have the whole pie?”  Ken argues, more or less.

“See what I just did there?  That’s called Business Strategy . . . and I’m GOOD at it!  This is why you have to have me back on the show working for Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Pryce . . . I’m also kind of hot . . .”

Ken’s rant gives Pete an idea . . .

That night, at dinner with his step-parents, Pete corners Trudy’s dad and more or less bullies him into giving Sterling Cooper Draper & Pryce the opportunity to represent ALL of Vicks Chemical (except for Clearasil, of course).  The new account will be worth $6 million to the company (quite a bit of cash, by 1965 standards).

 “Every time you try to offer me something, I lose more and more respect for you,” begins Pete,  who is always a real “PRO,” when it comes to buttering up a prospective client.

“You’re also ugly, stupid, and smell bad.  So, pay me NOW, Daddy-O!”

Poor Trudy’s dad!  Still warm from the glow of impending grandfatherhood, he is shocked, and a little hurt, by his son-in-law’s callousness in handling the situation.  “Are you mad at me?”  He asks, adorably, like a toddler who’s just been put in Time Out by his parents.

Yet, only moments later, things begin to come clear, for the Patriarch of Vicks Chemicals. . .

“You’re a real son-of-a-b&tch, you know that?” Trudy’s father posits bitterly about his son-in-law.

A photograph of Pete’s mom . . . the B*TCH.

Peggy Olson: Party Girl Extraordinaire?

We always had HIGH hopes for you, girlfriend!

While Pete was busy making babies, making amends, screwing over his stepdad, and doing other Boring Adult Stuff, the formerly Square Peggy was FINALLY learning to act her age . . . twenty-something!

It all started, when she met an enterprising young art editor from Life magazine, named Joyce, while riding the elevator to work.

Joyce (who had enterprising business woman / hippy dippy, feminist lesbian written all over her, from the moment she stepped on screen) titillates Peggy with some decidedly risque nude model pictures that her magazine had recently rejected.  Appreciative of Peggy’s wit and moxie (and wanting badly to get inside the Olson pantalones), Joyce invites the young copy editor to an art exhibit / party at an abandoned sweat shop in the village.

At the party, the typically socially awkward Peggy does surprisingly well!  Like a true Party Pro, our girl mingles effortlessly with the artsy-fartsy crowd, smokes some grass, graciously deflects insults about her “working for the man” and “not being a real writer,” just because she’s in advertising.  She also pretends to enjoy a lame and pompous installation art video that looked suspiciously similar to the “brainwashing video” the Others used on Lost.

F.Y.I, that’s Peggy’s loser boyfriend, Mark, or, as he was known on Lost, Dead Karl . . .

PEGGY:  “I don’t know what it is about this film, but I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to fly Oceanic Flight 815.” 

JOYCE:  “Is this a 60’s flashback we’re in now, or just Purgatory?”

Peggy even deftly avoids an awkward moment when Joyce, not surprisingly, tries to plant a big wet one on her lips.  “I have a lame and annoying boyfriend,” explains Peggy politely.

“He doesn’t own your vagina,” replies Joyce.

“Yeah, but he’s renting it,” retorts Peggy.  Touche!

(OK.  So, when did this stop being an episode of Mad Men, and start being a reenactment of The Vagina Monologues?)

Eventually, the party gets raided by the police, and everyone has to dash .  . .

During the escape, Peggy has a close encounter and locks lips with this cute artsy activist who, maddeningly enough, was not credited on the IMDB page for this episode.  (Neither was “Joyce,” actually.  Weird.)  However, he KIND of looked like Theo Alexander, who played Talbot on True Blood. Therefore, to represent this guy, I’m going to use THEO’s picture, instead . . .

This is just to give you an idea about how much HOTTER Artsy Activist Guy was than Peggy’s Lame-o Current Boyriend . . .  It’s also because I’m still mad that they killed off Talbot on True Blood . . .

You Stay Classy, Peggy Olson . . .

Now, I know you’re not real used to the late night party scene, yet, Peggy.  But, just so you know, banging your head against your desk?  Not a great cure for a hangover . . .

The next day, while Peggy is working on a new advertising campaign, one of the office secretaries  hands her THIS card to sign . . .

And it is by reading this card, that Peggy first learns that Pete and Trudy are having a baby, which, unlike Peggy’s illegitimate child with Pete, the couple will KEEP and RAISE.  Poor Peggy is ambushed.  Fighting back tears, she quietly excuses herself from the room, heads to her office, and closes the door. 

Peggy then attempts to forget this whole thing ever happened.  (“It will amaze you how much it never happened,” said Don last season. — LIAR!)  She does this, by wisely trying to knock the newfound information out of her brain, by ramming said brain into her wooden desk.  When this doesn’t work, Peggy does the mature thing, and congratulates Pete, in person, on the upcoming new addition to his family.  Well done, Peggy!  Cheers to you!

Near the end of the episode, Peggy heads out to lunch with Joyce and her new artsy friends, while Pete prepares for a business lunch with the principals of Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Pryce, his stepfather, and other executives from Vicks Chemical.  On the way out of the office toward their increasingly divergent futures, the erstwhile couple share a look that is equal parts approval, respect, admiration, and wistfulness for a shared moment in time that has passed . . . at least for now.

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Allison!  We will surely miss you.  But fear not about your future . . .

I hear THIS GUY is hiring.  He can sympathize with what you endured.

And your “virtue” is most certainly safe with him.

Poor Don couldn’t keep a secretary, if she was attached to his belt buckle . . . and most of them are!

Let’s see . . . Don’s past secretaries:  Peggy moved on to bigger and better things, Jane moved on to Roger’s bigger and better pants, Lois was a moron, and Allison . . . well that’s a whole other story entirely . . .

It all started when Market Research Lady . . .

Does anyone else find this shrew as annoying and unlikeable as I do?

 . . . decided to conduct a focus group, using Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Pryce’s most youthful secretaries, to determine an appropriate advertising campaign for Ponds Face Cream.  (Ummmm yeah . . . a bunch of attractive single white women of the SAME age, who live in the SAME city, and work in the SAME office . . . in advertising . . . as secretaries . . . now THAT’S a “diverse and representative” sample of the nation’s shoppers, if I ever saw one.)

 “I could have chosen a more appropriate sample for this group . . . and I’m a monkey.”

Not only does Market Research Lady do a TERRIBLE job chosing a sample to test her product (which the girls NEVER actually test, by the way), she also does a TERRIBLE job ascertaining their feelings about beauty.  This is probably because, in her attempt to be, “just one of the girls,” Market Research Lady comes across as so patronizing, arrogant, and phony, that she makes me want to VOMIT . . .

My sentiments exactly!

Within moments, Market Research Lady’s horridness has infected the secretaries.  One of them is bawling her eyes out about how she feels that her boyfriend rejected her, because she wasn’t pretty enough.  Watching from a nearby “observation room” (a.k.a. Joan’s office) the SCDP execs are uncomfortable, yet oddly captivated, by the soap opera unfolding in front of themthat is except for Peggy, who has begun absentmindedly trying on Market Research Lady’s wedding ring (Now, who in their right mind would MARRY Market Research Lady?); and Don, who is WATCHING Peggy try on the wedding ring, with a smugly paternal look on his face.

“Aha!  I KNEW IT!  I CAUGHT YOU!  You wanna get married, you wanna get married . . . you wanna get . . .”

“Shut the f*ck up, Alchy!”

Meanwhile, the other secretary’s cryfest has started to remind Allison of her little “encounter” with Big Don’s Big Dong, and her waterworks start flowing too! 

(Market Research Lady takes all this crying to mean that young women of the 60’s could care less about beauty regimens, unless they think it will help them land a husband.  She therefore suggests, much as Freddy Rumsen did two weeks ago, that the Ponds campaign be based around marriage proposals.  Don thinks THAT idea is a bunch of old-fashioned, uncreative, Bull Crap, and so do I!)

When an anguished Allison rushes out of the focus group, Peggy, ever the “Fixer Uppper,” offers to go after Allison, and see what’s up.

Initially, when Peggy thinks Allison is just crying over how incredibly LAME the focus group was, she is remarkably sensitive.  “People cry at these things all the time!  I’ve seen GROWN MEN cry at them . . .”

 . . . and whiny twenty-somethings playing teenagers.

However, when Peggy learns that (1) the REAL reason Allison is crying is because she has slept with Don; and (2) Allison believes PEGGY had once done the same thing  (Peggy actually DID try to seduce Don in the pilot episode, but he rejected her.), Peggy is significantly less sympathetic.  “Your problem is NOT my problem,” seethes Peggy at a bawling Allison, horrified by the notion that people at the office assume she has slept her way to the top.  “And, honestly, I think you should just get over it,” concludes Peggy, with all the coolness and sensitivity of a porcupine in 95-degree weather.

An X-ray of Peggy Olson’s heart  . . .

(We can almost hear Don’s words echoing in Peggy’s head, as she berates Poor Allison. — “It will amaze you how much it never happened.”)

So, PETE she forgives without question, but ALLISON gets relentlessly chewed out and crapped on?  What kind of “feminist” logic is that exactly, Peggy?

Later, when Don goes to check on Allison, she closes the door to his office, and confronts him about their indiscretion, forcing Don to acknowledge its existence, for the first time.  Allison then calmly explains that she has found another job opportunity, and would like for Don to write her a recommendation letter.  Don agrees to do so, but deflects any personal responsibility for the document, suggesting that Allison write it herself, and he can just sign it.

Now, personally, I would JUMP at this opportunity.  After all, Don Draper may be “Mr. Creativity” when it comes to advertising, but, lets face it, he’s a total ZERO when it comes to emotionally connecting with other human beings.  People like that make TERRIBLE recommendation letter writers.  This way, Allison has the executive of a company right where she needs him to be.

He is obviously feeling guilty about his past actions, and, therefore, highly willing to agree to anything she wants him to put in that letter.  The possibilities are ENDLESS.  Here’s just one example . . .

To whom it may concern:

Allison is the best secretary on the face of the Earth . . . no .  . . the GALAXY!  She is a genius, unbelievably talented, hard-working, dedicated, and drop-dead  gorgeous!  In fact, I am wholly convinced she is descended from gods.   She is also an absolute lioness in the sack.  Hire her, or I will hunt you down and kill you.

                                                                                        Very truly yours,

                                                                                        Don Draper, Executive

                                                                                   Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Price

Allison, however, took complete offense to the fact that her boss, a man she once admired, slept with, and obviously still had feelings for, couldn’t be bothered to come up with a single original word about her merits as a secretary.  Furious, Allison lifts up a paperweight from Don’s table and thrusts it against the wall, shattering a glass picture frame, in the process . . .

Strike three, you’re out!

Of course, Don copes with Allison’s outburst and subsequent departure the same way he copes with everything else, by getting sh*tfaced . . .

Be careful how much you drink, Don!  Little Sister is watching . . .

To Don’s credit, he is not a total heartless pig.  And, despite Allison’s destruction of his office, he STILL feels bad about what he did to her.  In fact, Don even expresses a willingness to have Allison come back and work for him, until Joan silently convinces him that this would send a “bad message” to the rest of the company about what happened between them.  Later that night, in his lonely apartment, Don starts to type up an apology letter to Allison, but, ultimately, loses his nerve . . .

Never one to be accused of not having a sense of humor, Joan has an ingenious idea of who to hire as Don’s umpteenth secretary . . .

It’s DAME EDNA!

OK .  . . It’s not. But she TOTALLY looks like Dame Edna, doesn’t she?

And she’s a TERRIBLE secretary too — with all the class and customer service skills of a wet dishrag!

(I’m still not entirely certain that Don WON’T try to sleep with her, anyway . . .)

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Mad Men

The Return of Freddy Rumsen (and Creepy Glen): A Recap of Mad Men’s “Christmas Comes But Once a Year”

“Ho, ho, ho!  Don’s a ho, ho, ho!”

Tonight’s installment of Mad Men marked the “return” of a number of important people and things:

First, there was Freddy Rumsen . . .

A man whose vast talents include: pissing himself before client meetings, taking “six-month leaves” and playing Mozart with his fly . . .

Also, returning for this episode was Glen Bishop . . .

His talents include:  creeping everybody out, watching grown women pee, asking for locks of their hair, and being show producer, Matt Weiner’s kid in real life!

“That’s my boy!”

The final addition to the “People Returning” category is Lee Garner, Jr. . . .

His talents include trying to rape Sal . . .

 . . . getting Sal fired because he tried to rape him, and making fans HATE HIS GUTS for getting rid of Sal.

Other non-human returnees included:

Peggy’s virginity . . .

But it left a few minutes later . . .

And Don’s misery and lack of good judgment . . .

But, when you think about it, has that EVER really left?

So, now that we’ve given all the old -newcomers a warm welcome, what do you say we get on with the show?

The Case of Creepy Glen and the Phantom Phone Calls

“I don’t know about you.  But I’m just really happy to be involved a storyline that doesn’t involve someone dying, or me getting screamed at by my Mean Mommy.”

When the episode first opens, the new “Francis family,” led by the “about as exciting as watching paint dry,” Henry Francis . . .

“What exactly is wrong with watching paint dry?  I very much enjoy watching paint dry.  It’s scintillating . . .”

 . . . are searching for a Christmas tree that won’t scrape the paint off their ceiling.  While there, Sally runs into Creepy Glen . . .

“I heard you got a new dad.  My mom said that would happen,” offers Glen conversationally.  (Ohhh  BURN!  Take that Mama Betty!  You should have really thought twice about giving this boy a lock of your hair.  He’s out for revenge now!)

Glen then shows Sally his red twine dispenser, and Sally remarks at its beauty, before being called away by her brother.

“I might call you sometime,” threatens Glen, as he ponders putting a lock of Mama Betty’s hair on a squirrel he just killed, and making it into a voodoo doll.

Creepy Glen DOES call Sally.  But instead of revealing his true identity when Housekeeper Carla picks up the phone, he refers to himself as STANLEY, his evil alter ego.  As if Creepy Glen wasn’t creepy enough before, he now has multiple personality disorder too! 

Sally, who, unfortunately, has never seen the film Fatal Attraction (both because it’s Rated R, and because it hasn’t come out yet in 1964), takes this brilliant opportunity to pour her heart out to Creepy Glen / Stanley.  “I hate it here.  I really, really do,” she gripes.

(It’s interesting how Betty CLAIMS to be squatting in Don’s house with her new husband for the “children’s sake” and the “children” themselves, don’t even want to be there.)

“Bad Mommy!”  (says Creepy Glen, as he stabs a pin in Voodoo Betty’s heart).

“Don’t worry.  One day your parents will wake up and they will want to move.  You’ll see,” Glen offers, cryptically, before hanging up the phone.

That night, while the “Francis’s” (I’m never going to get used to typing that) are out for dinner, Glen once again calls the house.  This time, no one answers.  He and his friend then somehow break into the house and vandalize it, by pouring food from the fridge all over the place.  “There’s eggs in my bed,” complains Bobby, who has had more to say in this episode then he did throughout the entire third season of this show.

“My room is fine,” exclaims a confused Sally, as she walks toward her night table and finds Creepy Glen’s red twine dispenser – clearly, a gift of love . . .  FROM HELL! 

(Insert maniacal laughter here.)

“Mark” Your Man?

You know who wasn’t getting stalked by a creeper this week?  Peggy!  But she WAS getting pressured into sex, by her clingy, nasally voiced loser of a boyfriend, Mark.  (PEGGY!  You can do SO much better!)

I rest my case.

“I want to be your first,” whines Dweeby Mark, uttering the most unintentionally hilarious line in the entire episode, about the girl who got knocked up by Pete, and who Duck Phillips gave “a go around like she never had before.”

Like a virgin .  . . touched for the very tenth time . . .

Born Again Peggy tells Marky Mark with his Pants in a Bunch that she “wants to wait.”  He responds by laying on her the slobberiest, most unsexy, kiss of all time.  “Think about THAT!”  He says triumphantly, as he struts out of her apartment.  Oh, she’s thinking about it, all right . . . and so are we . . .

After admitting to herself that she “doesn’t want to be alone on New Years,” Peggy receives some advice from Freddy Rumsen about “men.”   Freddy tells her that she should “not lead the boy on,” because that’s PAINFUL . . .

Ahem.

 . . . and that if she “really likes him, she should wait,” Peggy decides to screw Marky Turd anyway.  Hey Mark, get the hint . . .

But, hey, at least you won’t have to worry about THESE anymore . . .

Freddy Rumsen Doesn’t DO Santa Claus!

(Insert sad zipper music here.)

Well, I, for one, enjoyed seeing Freddy Rumsen return. (Now we just need Sal, Ken and Paul!)  Unfortunately, the poor guy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself all that much this week!  It’s tough being on the wagon in an office filled with alcoholics, isn’t it Freddy? 

 Just ask THIS GUY . . .

Sorry, wrong Duck.  I mean THIS GUY . . .

Kind of blew the punchline there, didn’t I?

Speaking of Duck, I never did forgive him for what he did to poor Chauncey . . .

So NOT cool!

But I digress, back to On-The-Wagon Freddy  . . . 

He comes to the offices of Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, sober 16 months, and armed with a two-million dollar account, Ponds Face Cream.  When asked how he managed to receive such a windfall, Freddy explained that he and the CEO were “in the same fraternity” (more on that later). 

Interestingly enough, the heretofore, happy-go-lucky (happy-go-drunky?) Freddy specifically requests that Pete not have anything to do with the account, as it was Pete who ultimately got Freddy canned for The Piss Heard Round the World.  Now, not that I blame Freddy at all for his decision, but I would be careful, messing with Pete, if I were him.  After all, the dude IS armed . . .

 . . . and REALLY likes to hunt!

Freddy might not be happy to see Pete, but he’s thrilled to see Peggy, at least initially.  Upon entering the office, he lovingly refers to her as, “Ballerina,” and gives her a big bear hug.  If you recall, it was Freddy who first convinced Don and Co. to give then-secretary Peggy a shot at being copywriter for the old agency.  And look how far she’s come since then!

“I’ve come VERY far!  I now wear granny suits, and have the haircut of an 85- year old, despite being in my mid 20s!”

Peggy’s and Freddy’s reminiscences are cut short when Roger Sterling comes back from lunch with the Ponds CEO, clearly wasted!

Not THAT wasted!

“That man sure knows how to have a good time!”  Roger proclaims about his lunch companion, before stumbling back to his office. 

“That’s some job he has,” scoffs Peggy upon Roger’s exit, echoing the same thoughts many of us Mad Men fans have had throughout the course of the series.  Seriously, does Roger ever work?  (He does have the best one liners-though!)

“I also have the best sex life.  Unless you count Don . . .”

Freddy is not paying attention to Peggy’s gripes, however.  He’s worried about the CEO of Ponds.  He gets up and rushes to make a call.  “I heard you went out with Roger Sterling today.  Do you have something to tell me?”  Freddy says into the phone.

Clearly, the “fraternity” Freddy and the CEO were in together only has two Greek letters in it . . . and both of them are “alpha.”

Later, Peggy and Freddy argue over the Ponds campaign.  Freddy wants to use more mature models as spokeswomen, and Peggy wants to use young beautiful ones.  Gone are the days of prim and proper Peggy, who would either hold her tongue completely or politely express her disapproval, when one of her colleagues made a campaign suggestion that was ill advised.  She really let poor Freddy have it, basically telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he was “old-fashioned” and had no talent. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women sticking up for themselves.  And Freddy’s notion that young women idolize and want to look like old ones, simply because old women are MARRIED, is pretty laughable.  And yet, the diatribe seemed a bit tactless on Peggy’s part.  Talk about biting the hand that once fed you!

Freddy wasn’t much better, telling Peggy that if she didn’t work so hard, maybe she’d actually find a man that would want to marry her (and impliedly allow her to stay home barefoot and pregnant).  Riiiiiiight, because MARRIED women are always SO MUCH happier than single ones . . .

Need I say more?

When Freddy didn’t show up for the office Christmas party, Peggy became concerned.  So, she was understandably relieved to see Freddy in the office the next day.  “I don’t want to have to worry that you are going to go out and get drunk, every time I hurt your feelings,” scoffs Peggy.

REAL NICE!  Pick on the former alchy, why don’t you?  What happened, Peggy?  Did Marky Turd steal your sensitivity chip?

As it turns out, Freddy didn’t skip the Christmas party because Peggy “hurt his feelings,” he simply didn’t want to be Santa, because, for whatever, reason, Freddy associated wearing the Santa costume with getting wasted in it.  Whatever the reason, he manages to stay sober. 

 Good for you, Freddy!

But you know who most certainly, DIDN’T stay sober this episode?

Don (Juan?) and Roger Claus

Not only is Don drunk for much of this hour, he is also having a REALLY difficult time getting laid.  First he tries to hit on his new neighbor, Reed from Grey’s Anatomy . . .

 . . . who has miraculously been brought back to life after her untimely death, and reincarnated as a nurse.  “Reed” (who according to Wikipedia is called “Phoebe” on this show) is initially a very friendly new neighbor to Don, flirting with him mercilessly, and expressing concern over his habit of returning to his apartment inebriated on a regular basis.  Upon confirming that Don is not the Scrooge he appears to be, (“I don’t hate Christmas.  I just hate THIS Christmas,” he clarifies), she even invites him to her Christmas party, an invitation that he declines. 

 But when “Phoebe” helps a drunken Don into his apartment, and he tries to pull her into bed with him, she refuses.  STRIKE ONE!

Don’s next target is a pretty market researcher . . .

 . . . whose presentation Don walks out on, because he doesn’t want to answer a questionnaire about his parents . . . (That’s understandable, Dick Whitman Don Draper).  When the researcher calls Don out on his evasive and rude behavior, he asks her out on a date.  She declines, condescendingly telling him that he’ll be married in a year to someone else, anyway.  STRIKE TWO!

But Don isn’t the only SCDP owner lowering his batting average this episode, Roger strikes out himself when he mistakenly invites Lucky Strike scion, Lee Garner, D-Bag (a client who more or less OWNS SCDP) to the office’s small “belt-tightened” Christmas party.

“Is Sal going to be there?  I really miss Sal!”

Suddenly, the tightened belt must be loosened A LOT!  “[You] have to take this party from Convalescent Home to Roman Orgy,” Roger instructs Joan.  (She does.)  “Wear that red dress with the bow on the back that looks like a present.”  (She does.)

SUCCESS!

Lee, meanwhile, uses the party held in his honor, to basically make Roger’s life miserable.  First he hits on both Roger’s new wife, and “Joanie,” his former lover.  He then forces Roger to don a Santa suit, and takes pictures of him, with all the male employees sitting on his lap.  (Fodder for the Lee Garner Jr. Spank Bank, no doubt.)

“But where’s Sal?  I want Sal in the picture!”

To Roger’s credit, he’s an exceptionally good sport about the whole thing.  The same can’t really be said for Don, who copes with the awkward event by getting completely sh*tfaced.  He does share a sweet moment with Peggy, though.  (“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart,” he tells her, and we can tell he really means it.)

When Don arrives home to find he has left his keys in his office, he calls his secretary, Allison (played by Alexa Alemanni), who is still at the party, but is about to leave with New Guy Joey and friends.  She locates Don’s keys and agrees to bring them to his apartment.  When New Guy Joey finds out that Allison is headed to La Casa de Drunk Don, he is not pleased.  “He’s pathetic,” grumbles New Guy Joey about his boss. 

(Note: A lot of fans on the message boards seemed “appalled” by Joey’s lack of respect for Don.  But was I the only one that saw something more here?  Does anyone else think Joey has the hots for Allison?  After all, he did draw her what looked like it might have been a personalized caricature in her likeness, earlier in the episode . . .

 . . . and he DOES have a cute butt!  I wasn’t really a fan of that hideous RED velvet suit he was wearing during the office party though . . . That was HORRID!)

Anyway, Allison arrives at Don’s house to find him sleeping on the floor outside his apartment.

She lets him inside, sits him on the couch, and gets him a glass of water and some Aspirin, which he quickly downs.  But as she is set to leave, he grabs her hand, and pulls her onto the couch with him.  He then begins to kiss her, as he caresses her neck.  “Don’t,” she says softly and without much fervor.

“Don’t, what?”  He asks, laughing a bit, before beginning to kiss her again.

Allison manages to pull away one more time, but when the third kiss comes, she is completely swept away.  “Oh,” she says with surprise, as Don falls on top of her, on the couch.

A few short minutes later . . . (because, lets be honest, Don had A LOT to drink), it’s all over.  After a few moments of surprisingly tender petting, Allison sheepishly rights her clothing, and tells Don she has to go meet her friends.  “Are you sure?”  He asks.

Allison nods and heads for the door, “I . . . um,”  She begins, not sure of how to broach the issue.

“I understand,” says Don.

The next day, however, it becomes pretty obvious, that Don does NOT understand!  He basically lets Allison know, in no uncertain terms, that, in his mind, this was a “one time thing.”  “I’ve too often taken advantage of your kindness,” he says.

Allison takes the hint, and, blinking back tears, accepts the envelope Don hands her, containing her Christmas bonus.  She eagerly opens the envelope, hoping for some sign that there was more to all this than Don “taking advantage of her kindness.” 

But along with the cash, is a card containing only one phrase: “Thank you for all your hard work.” – which, admittedly, can be interpreted in one of two ways, both of which make Poor Allison feel like a hooker  . . . (At least Don never asked her to slap him.)

Bad Don!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Reunited, and it feels so . . . um . . . – Grey’s Anatomy Recap for “Blink”

I have watched Grey’s Anatomy for six seasons now.  (Yeah, it has been on for that long.  Doesn’t that make you feel old?  Because it makes me feel ancient.)  And when you’ve watched a show religiously for that long, it begins to feel somewhat like an old friend.  So that is how I think of Grey’s Anatomy, as a childhood buddy of sorts . . .

After all, we’ve been through a lot together, Grey’s and I.  And like I would for any good friend, I have stood by Grey’s through good times (all of Season 1 and most of Season 2) and bad times (that unfortunate story arc where Meredith “died” by drowning and literally chilled out with other dead people and a dog for three hours). 

I have supported my pal Grey’s even when it (a) made unwise decisions (the George and Izzie romance, Izzie’s brain tumor and related dalliance with Ghost Denny, and Derek’s unfortunate romance with the bland Nurse Rose), (b) got involved with a bad crowd of people (the rotating cadre of cardio docs, and the entire Mercy West crew . . .  except for that really hot one whose name I can’t remember.  He’s just so pretty), and (c) said mean and insensitive things (pretty much everything that came out of Isaiah Washington’s mouth during the whole f-word scandal).

Because Grey’s is such a good friend of mine, when the two of us got together on Thursday, after a long time apart, I was so excited that I took in stride the fact that it wasn’t quite itself . . . that a certain spark was missing.  And for that, I was ultimately rewarded.   Here’s what I learned during our friendly meeting:

Chief is still off the wagon . . .

As the episode opened, Meredith was heading off for another “surgery lesson” with Chief.  We learn that Meredith and Dr. Webber have been spending a lot of time together lately engaging in these “surgery lessons.”  And this continues to occur, much to the chagrin of her suspicious new husband-via-Post-It Note, Derek.  Thankfully (although it probably would have made things more interesting if they were), contrary to what the Ghost of Grey’s Episodes Past may have implied, “surgery lessons” are not a euphemism for “playing dirty doctor,” if you know what I mean.  Instead, these lessons basically consisted of Chief and Meredith watching old videos of Meredith’s dearly departed mother performing surgeries, while Chief waxed poetic about his former fling.

Apparently, Chief has been spending so much time watching videos and “doing paper work for the [Mercy West] merger,” that he hasn’t had much time to  . . .  um . . . be a doctor? Instead, he has been reassigning his surgeries to Bailey, who has been majorly covering his ass, ever since that unfortunate incident during which a wasted Chief cut into a patient’s bile duct, turning said patient yellow and nearly killing him.  To throw Derek off the scent, the usually honest-to-a-fault Bailey was even willing to lie and say she had a crush on Bile Duct Guy in order to explain her sudden obsessive interest in the patient’s health and well-being. Ultimately, at the episode’s conclusion, a guilt-ridden Meredith comes clean to Derek about the Chief’s drinking problem, which she witnessed first hand a few month’s ago, during the show’s Christmas episode.

Bailey’s still not getting laid . . .

Repeated visits with Bile Duct Guy notwithstanding, since her unfortunate separation from her husband, Bailey, much like the Chief, has been missing out on the opportunity to “play dirty doctor.”  Doctor McDreamy (he of the always oh-so-healthy relationships) seems unusually eager to put an end to Bailey’s self-enforced period of celibacy.  And, no, this isn’t a euphemism either.  (What happened to the old slutty Grey’s I used to know?)  Like Meredith and the Chief, Derek has absolutely no interest in surfing Bailey’s va-jay-jay, himself.  Instead, the altruistic doc commandeers another single surgeon to do the job for him.  Unfortunately for Derek, Bailey is not having any of that love crud.  In fact, she scares the man off completely with talk about her three-year-old son who pees on everything.  (Note to all the Single Ladies out there: pee stories . . . not a turn on).

McSteamy and Lexipedia are Splitsville . . . for now

When we last left our favorite May/December romance couple, Mark had just learned that he had a teenage daughter who just so happened to be pregnant.  When the episode begins, Mark, Lexie and Mark’s daughter,  whose name is Sloan (which, assuming she takes on Mark’s last name, would make her Sloan Sloan?) are living together in not-so-marital bliss.  When a reluctant Lexie performs an ultrasound for Little Sloan, she learns that Mark’s unborn grandchild has amniotic band syndrome.  In other words, the child’s legs are trapped amid wisps of amniotic fluid. 

Little Sloan, determined that her child “have feet,”  decides to have an operation to fix this abnormality, regardless of the inherent risks involved .  And so, despite the fact that Arizona, Callie’s current girlfriend, is a perfectly competent pediatric surgeon, in yet another ploy to get viewers to watch the failing Grey’s spinoff Private Practice, Mark flies Addison out from LA to perform the surgery.  However, once Little Sloan is on the operating table, Mark freaks out about the risks and forces Addison to close up shop and fly back from whence she came.  (Hey, at least she’s racking up those frequent flyer miles . . .)

After the Surgery that Wasn’t, Mark and Little Sloan have a father-daughter talk.   The latter convinces Mark that she must do whatever it takes to save her child’s legs.   Therefore, Little Sloan is determined to go under the knife again.  Lexie, playing the role of martryr, suggests that the pair fly out to LA so that Addison can perform the surgery for real this  time.  The father and daughter pair agree to do this, and in a moment of paternal bliss, Mark invites Little Sloan to live with him and Lexie permanently .  This way, the three can raise Sloan’s baby together  in Seattle.

When the 25-year old Lexie understandably balks at the idea of being the world’s youngest step-grandmother.  Mark warns her not to make him choose between his daughter and his lover.  But in making such a distinction, Lexie knows that Mark has already made his choice, and it is not Lexie.  Feeling hurt, alone, and reckless, Lexie searches desperately for an outlet for all of her pent up emotion . . .  which leads her to . . .

Alex has reverted, yet again, to Tool status

Speaking of euphemisms, Alex and former-Mercy Wester Reed spend most of the episode speaking in them.  “Let me scrub in [on your surgery], and I’ll take you out for a drink afterward and . . . you know,” offers Reed, who has been majorly crushing on  our resident “Saved” Bad Boy since she arrived at Seattle Grace.  Karev, who has been understandably uber pissed at his wife Izzie for being MIA for half-the-season, initially seems receptive to Reed’s offer to “play dirty doctor” with him.  And despite Meredith’s not-so-gentle reminder to him that he is, in-fact, still married, Karev continues to invite doe-eyed Reed’s thinly veiled offers of sex.

Yet, ultimately, Bad Boy turns her down, making us viewers believe he truly has changed . . . for about two minutes.  In the final moments of the episode, he entices his former screw buddy, the vulnerable and lovelorn Lexie, to the darkside with his come hither eyes, overwhelmingly masculine sexiness, and insanely hot body.  FINALLY, someone is actually PLAYING DIRTY DOCTOR!  Here’s hoping for lots of Naked Alex this year . . .  I honestly don’t care who with.

Christina is not a Playa

Unlike Lexie and Alex, Christina Yang would actually prefer being a real doctor to playing a dirty one.  We learn this when she nearly has an “O” when new “Cardio God” Teddy gives her the opportunity to perform a complicated heart valve surgery.  In what was, for me, the most intriguing storyline of the Episode, Christina goes on to perform the prized surgery solo. 

When Christina runs into some trouble on the operating table, Teddy ignores her student completely, opting instead to read a magazine during the operation.  When Christina’s beau, Owen, tries to intervene on her behalf, Christina pushes him away.  Yang ultimately successfully completes the surgery on her own.

After the surgery, Owen confronts Teddy and accuses her of having ulterior motives for not helping Christina through the difficult surgery.  However, when he speaks to Christina, the young doc is absolutely thrilled with Teddy and her methods.  Christina explains to Owen that, by letting her complete the surgery on her own, Teddy gave her back the confidence she had lost in herself, thereby making her feel alive again. 

When Owen explains that Teddy will be leaving Seattle Grace, Christina runs after her, like a lover in the last few moments of a romantic comedy.  Then, Christina, in keeping with her rom-com script, explains to Teddy that she will give the New Cardio God whatever it takes to make her stay.  Teddy turns to Christina, impulsively, and the two make out hard core (just kidding – It turns out this really isn’t a rom-com, after all.)  Actually, Teddy says, “I want Owen.”  (Gasp – GIRL, OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!!!!)

Without a moment’s thought, Christina pulls Teddy’s hair and begins to engage in a knock- down, drag-out girl fight with her.  (kidding again — Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.)  Instead, Christina caused my jaw to literally drop to the floor by replying, “Fine, then take him.”

And it’s moments like this one that remind me why Grey’s Anatomy and I have remained friends for so long . . .

 

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