“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All? That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”
Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she? Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side. Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!
But DRUGGING and KIDNAPPING SOMEONE? Now, that’s just EFFIN CRAZY! That’s the stuff Lifetime movies are made of
(or The Roommate, starring Leighton Meester).
That’s right, Serena. The Triumverate of Evil is COMING. And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!
While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .
Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation
“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.“
When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?
“Are you KIDDING ME with this? This is what I’ve been reduced to? Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”
“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”
So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN. Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram. And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .
Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show. I improvised a bit . . .
Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one. SURPRISE, SURPRISE! “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six. (Talk about a slow news day! Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)
I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog. *Sigh*
To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development. Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.
To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING. Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.
But fear not, kiddies! Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!
Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem. “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”
“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom! That’s a marvelous idea! Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?” Dean Reuther inquires.
But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought. She CAN, however, be blackmailed. Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment” and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.
Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that. Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have! Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . .
at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.
3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!
This scene renders me SPEECHLESS. Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .
Yes, boys and girls! Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR! And I for one, couldn’t be happier,
well . . . except for that scene at the end . . .
When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING.
Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.” Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.” This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.
(Note: It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization — one that I am sure is lovely. Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization. No hate mail, please! :))
CHUCK: “You know, B. We should really invest in some more original plotlines. Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”
BLAIR: “I know C. But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to
sort of be together. So, we really shouldn’t complain. Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again . . .”
As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball. He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event. And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.
In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc. CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass
or Nate Archibald’s dad. Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad. At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.
Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.
Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.” And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”
Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why. Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.
And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.
Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .
You all know what this means, don’t you? That’s right! SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!
Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments. Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball. For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.
Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME! And this week was no exception. Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT.
But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”
My sentiments exactly, Blair.
But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .
Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)
JENNY: So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right? Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.
VANESSA: Me too. The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.
JULIET: No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today.
JENNY and VANESSA: ??????? Ummm . . . OK. It’s not like we have anything better to do.
So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena. And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.
JULIET: “Did you hear that? She actually said something nice about us.”
RACCOON ZOMBIE: “I KNOW! I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”
The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting
The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.
DAN: *sings* “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”
. . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”
Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates. And yet, because
Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.
During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena. So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to
pay her off try to straighten things out. During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school. Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia. So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.
Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?
“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”
Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?
Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.
Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet. Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man. She tells her mom, as much.
“Sleep around? Moi? NEVER!”
After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position. In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.
“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”
And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway . . .
In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .
Ummm . . . Serena? You are on a public city street entering a CAB! Is the mask really necessary?
“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.
“Not to be nitpicky or anything. But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”
Elsewhere in Town . . .
. . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu
screw thank you.
EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .
Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .
A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance. So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six!
Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is. It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City. And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .
(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party. I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name. It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)
So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life. When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .
. . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!
But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit. I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .
. . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .
You’d think Nate would learn by now. Then again, he’s not that bright . . .
(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures? Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first? Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.” So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)
Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE
While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain.
“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.
“I meant it. I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.
The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away. Kudos to Chuck for manning up about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so! “Are you going to say something?” Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .
“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.
“AWWWW YEAH! She sooooooo LOVES ME!”
“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.
Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.
Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row. To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .
Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum. After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain. But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!
“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .
Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .
And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.
And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck. Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with. And I agree. Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad!
Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either. (Yeah, way to be professional Anne! Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!)
Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl. And Blair is PISSED! In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .
Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair. She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart. “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.
“I can’t,” pouts Blair.
Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her. Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart. “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.
Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing. And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple.
“I love you,” says Chuck.
“I love you too,” says Blair. “I don’t expect you to wait.”
“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.
“Do you really believe that?” Blair asks.
“I do,” answers Chuck.
“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.
You know what? I think these two are going to be OK!
But you know who might NOT be OK?
Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle
Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT. First she got reamed out by Blair. Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to
have sex play video games. To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place.
Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia. Yeah . . . I said TEXTED. Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .
Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena. Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .
Man, this show is getting good . . .