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Fishing, Fistulas and Fake Marriages – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Adrift and at Peace”

Cristina really wanted to catch a fish.  So, Derek threw one at her . . .

This week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy featured two marriage proposals, two (sort of) couple reunions, two hot new cast members, and one REALLY BIG FISH!

Not bad for a single hour of television, right?  Let’s recap!

 There’s No CRYING in Fishing!

When the episode opens, Meredith is nagging Derek about his decision to take Cristina fishing, on his day off.  While Meredith might very well be concerned about Cristina’s emotional state, her PTSD, how gosh darn frustrating and annoying her character has become since The Shooting, and her sudden inability to practice medicine, she seems most worried about Cristina’s bodily functions.  “There’s no bathroom,” whines Meredith.

Clearly, in addition to all the other things PTSD has done to Cristina, it has also made her incontinent . . .

Don’t leave home without them . . .

Ignoring Meredith’s plaintive potty pleas, Derek takes Cristina out on the lake for an exciting afternoon of sitting in a boat and stroking poles.  Cristina tries to impress Derek with all of her newly acquired fishing knowledge.  But Derek basically tells her to shut the hell up.

“Be quiet, or I will CUT YOU!  I’ve done time in the pokey, you know . . .”

Then Cristina catches a BIG FISH . . .

 . . . which makes her cry . . .

“I just pooped in my pants.”

 . . . and makes Derek smile.

“Haha, Owen has to sleep with Poopy Pants tonight!”

Luckily, the moment was captured on camera!

Because, who wouldn’t want to remember a thing like that?  (ME!)

Apparently, Cristina’s dramatic tears are supposed to represent progress in her “Journey Back to Mental Health” or something . . . At least, that’s what Meredith and Derek think . . .

Then again, they aren’t the ones who have to sleep with Poopy Pants . . .

“Thanks a lot, A$$holes!”

Speaking of A$$holes . . .

Wanna Play the Blame Game?

Meredith and Owen have been bickering like an old married couple, because Meredith thinks Owen is “letting Cristina fall apart, and doing nothing about it” (which he is).  And Owen thinks Meredith is a “reckless suicidal wackadoo, who asked a psychotic gunman to shoot her” (which she also is).  Owen even goes so far as to kick Meredith out of his ER!  There is obviously some angry sexual tension here.  But if the writers of this show ever make Meredith and Owen cheat on their respective spouses, and hookup, I will be SUPER PISSED! 

Just sayin’ . . .

Sex with you makes me sad!

Do I have to break out the Rubber Duckie again?

If there was a book of things you should never say to your lover . . .

 . . . “Sex with you makes me sad,” would be on the first page . . . and “while I’m having sex with you, I think about [insert name here] would be on the second.  Nevertheless, these are the words Callie and Sloan exchange with one another, after a morning of sharing hot showers.  After, Callie kicks Sloan out of the shower . . .

 . . . and he “recovers” . . .

 . . . Dr. McSteamy becomes determined to win back Lexie, a girl who doesn’t get sad from screwing him.  First, Sloan does Lexie a sexual medical favor, in exchange for her agreeing to get a drink with him at Joe’s.  Lexie doesn’t really want to go out with Sloan.  So, she tells Avery to interrupt the date, and make an excuse as to why she must leave.

(Unfortunately, Avery was dressed at the time . . .)

Then, Sloan chats with a patient, who started to date her now-husband, because he kissed her while “bowling” ( not a sexual euphemism, sadly), and was a “Really Good Kisser.”

So, when Lexie arrives at the bar, and starts babbling on-and-on about why she can’t date Mark again, he does this .  . .

And, suddenly, Lexie is in luuuuuuuuuuuve again.  Then, Avery arrives . . .

Sorry, Avery!  It looks like you’re stuck with me! 🙂

Eat My Door, Arizona!

“And no, that is NOT a euphemism for sexual favors either . . .”

Callie’s still feeling like crap this week, because her girlfriend, Arizona, dumped her for Africa.  And because she wants to let everyone know that she’s “Still Awesome,” Callie commandeers Alex to help her perform a new non-invasive type of hip surgery on a patient, who has a majorly annoying wife . . .

Alex and Callie rock the surgery . . .

But Alex still wants to specialize in Pediatrics.  So, he turns down Callie’s offer to train him as a Bone Specialist.

Callie:  “Why are doctors who like kids always dumping my ass?”

Speaking of doctors who like kids and dump Callie’s ass, Arizona shows up at Callie’s door toward the end of the episode.  But, rather than apologize for breaking her heart and leaving her ass that the airport, Arizona just tells Callie she missed her a lot, and decided to leave Africa, because not having sex with Callie “made her sad.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself, B*tch?”

So, Callie slams the door in Arizona’s face, and goes back to rubbing her duckie . . . solo . . .

Marry Me, Noel Crane!

“What will Felicity say?”

Nice Guy, Noel Crane from that old show Felicity has a pretty bad tumor, and has maxed out his health insurance  .  . .

So, he asks his girlfriend, who is NOT named Felicity, to marry him, so that he can get her PPO.  (That’s not a sexual euphemism either . . . sorry!)  NotFelicity ultimately turns Noel Crane down because she is a heinous b*tch. 

Teddy, who is feeling kind of crappy about the whole “Cristina has PTSD” thing, and recognizes that her own character has been generally unlikeable for quite some time now tries to get the hospital to take on Noel Crane’s treatment pro bono.

But THIS GUY says “NO.”

“You can hate me if you want, but I’ve got my SAG card now . . . and no one is taking that away from me.”

So, Teddy asks Noel Crane to marry her and use her health insurance.  Noel Crane says “Yes” . . .

(Somewhere in TV Land, Felicity Porter is crying her eyes out . . .)

“This is worse than the time I got that bad haircut, and everyone stopped watching my show . . .”

In other, New Hot Cast Member news . . .

Greetings, Nurse Panty Dropper!

Making sponge baths fun for TWELVE YEARS!

Bailey is still obsessed with fistulas, ever since Mandy Moore croaked from them . . .

 (well . . . not really . . . but on this show she did!).  Now, Bailey’s got her residents investigating various ways to prevent fistulas.  But they are taking WAY too long in doing so.  So, Bailey gets an idea . . .

After seeing how awed the residents are by watching Bailey extract a gallbladder through a patient’s mouth . . .

 . . . Bailey asks Lexie if she would like the opportunity to do the same thing on her own.  Lexie says she wants it about as much as she used to want a pony when she was a kid . . . In other words, she wants it A LOT!  April (who now has a new hair color, which makes her look like kind of like those old Strawberry Shortcake dolls) . . .

 . . . brags that she worked hard when she was a kid, and actually got herself a pony . . .

April’s Little Pony

Anyway, Bailey tells her “pony-loving” Fistula Research Crew that the resident who’s patient doesn’t get fistulas will win the opportunity to pull a gallbladder out of somebody’s mouth . . .

But NONE of the residents can prevent the fistulas!  You know who DOES prevent the fistulas though?  THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about hot half naked guy on the left with the BIG Hose!  (Unfortunately, he was dressed at the time . . .)

When Bailey asks Nurse Panty Dropper (that’s my new name for the dude pictured above), why he insisted on removing a patient’s “tube,” despite Lexie’s request that he leave it in for two more days, Nurse Panty Dropper replies that he is not just a “Pretty Face” he is a Majorly Hot Body too!  In fact, Nurse Panty Dropper has been removing tubes from patients for twelve years, and they never got fistulas. 

In other words, “Butt Out, BAILEY!  I’ve got this sh*t under control!”

Upon reviewing Nurse Panty Dropper’s records, Bailey learns that he ALWAYS removes the tube in question after THREE DAYS, instead of FIVE.  And it is this early tube removal that apparently prevents fistulas.  GO FIGURE!

Bailey is very happy!

“I CURED FISTULAS!”  She shouts triumphantly, interrupting the Chief’s board meeting to share the happy news.  (Ummmm . . . actually Bailey, Nurse Panty Dropper cured fistulas, you just kind of watched . . .)

Bailey is so thankful for Nurse Panty Dropper and his Hot Bod of Sin miraculous medical techniques, that when he asks her out on a date, she says, “OK . . . because you gave me Day 3.”

“And because I’m very handsome,” adds Nurse Panty Dropper.

Bailey nods shyly at Nurse Panty Dropper’s assessment.  Then she butt wiggles away, so he can get a nice shot of her rearview.  And why the heck not?  She’s just had the BEST DAY EVER!

Well, that was “Adrift and at Peace” in a nutshell.  And . . . since there are no new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy until January . . .

 . . . I leave you with this promo, to wet your whistle for what’s to come . . .

See you next year!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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When the going gets tough, the tough get WASTED! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Slow Night, So Long”

For me, tonight’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was all about friendship.  After all, EVERYBODY needs friends!  Friends are the people who will quietly support you, when you need it most . . .

They will not judge you for making mistakes, but are still there to pick up the pieces, after the damage has been done.

Friends are willing to misbehave with you . .  . especially, when that misbehavior is for a good cause.

They will hold your hair back for you, when you puke . . .

And sometimes . . . just sometimes . . . your friends will give you the Best F*&k of Your LIFE!

So, without further adieu, let’s reconnect with some friends, throw back a few shots, and settle in for a “Slow Night, So Long.”

Cristina Gets a New Job, and the Seattle Grace Attendings Get a NIGHT LIFE!

If you’re like me, you might have often wondered how, throughout seven seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, the main cast never ONCE seemed to work different shifts from one another.  Initially, I figured that either one of two things was occurring: (1) the cast all worked at the hospital for 23.5 hours (The last half an hour was always spent either at Meredith’s house, or at Joe’s bar.); or (2) at 7 p.m. sharp, the ENTIRE cast left Seattle Grace; at which point, the hospital was immediately overrun by  . . . UGLY DOCTORS. 

The HORROR!

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy provided me with a third, more rational, rational explanation.  It appears that, on occasion, the staff at Seattle Grace does work alternating shifts.  We just don’t often get to see it . . .

On this particular night, all the attendings were off duty, having worked the Day Shift.  So while the “Adults” headed to Joe’s Bar to drink some “Early Onset Alzheimers” shots, and get nice and sh*tfaced . . .

 . . . the “Kids” (i.e. the residents) were forced to put in some serious time at the hospital.

Upon arriving at Joe’s bar, the attendings quickly learned that Joe had hired a new bartender . . . one who has clearly never been to a frat party, or tapped a keg before.

“When Owen asked Cristina to ‘Give Him Head,’ this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind . . .”

 
Do you remember when a newly PTSD’ed Cristina asked Owen if he would still love her, if she was a plumber?

I wonder if his answer applied to “bartender,” as well . . .

It was nice seeing Seattle Grace’s typically “serious” attendings let their hair down for once.  I liked seeing a very tipsy Bailey talk about relationships, and how important it was for her to find a man who “knew about fistulas.”

Fistula?  I barely know ya!

And I cringed at Teddy’s exploits with online dating . . .

Match.conned

And yet, while the older doctors were knocking back a few drinks and marveling at Cristina Yang’s superb bartending skills (or lack thereof), there was work to be done at the hospital . . .

Alex Karev is a Peds GOD /  Dr. Stark is a Peds AssHat

“Hey!  I resemble that remark.”

Last week, Alex and April had to suffer the terror that was working with the EEEEEEVVVILLL Doctor Stark.  Now it is Meredith’s turn.  While Stark is out enjoying a nice dinner, Meredith is coping with a young patient, who is experiencing severe stomach pains.  The patient’s mother, who is a nurse at Seattle Grace, knows from personal experience that these type of pains aren’t normal, following the procedure the child just underwent.  So, she requests that Meredith contact Dr. Stark ASAP.

However, when Dr. Stark does arrive, he explains away the pains the child is experiencing, as being due to “gas.”  Honestly, it’s not all that surprising that a windbag like Stark would make such a flippant diagnosis — especially, given his unofficial middle name.

And yet, after Dr. Stark leaves, the child’s pains continue.  So, Meredith decides to run some tests on the child to definitively rule out “gas,” before calling Stark again.  The only problem is the lab technician is backed up, and isn’t able to get the results back to Meredith in a timely fashion.   So, the patient’s mother rats Meredith out to the Chief.

“What you talkin’ about Meredith?”

Fortunately, for the young patient, the Chief rips the technician a new one.  And, VOILA!  The test results become immediately available.  “That’s how you get things done at night!”  The Chief exclaims triumphantly.

Unfortunately, however, the test results show the child needs surgery.   And Dr. Stark, of course, cannot or will not answer his phone.  So, Meredith wisely consults with New Peds GOD, Alex on the case . . .

Alex Karev – King of the Tiny Humans!

So, together, Alex and Meredith assemble their OWN OR Team, and conduct surgery on the child BY THEMSELVES! (“Because that’s how you get things done at night!”)  The surgery ends up going swimmingly, of course.  And the Chief swells with the prides of knowing that his “kids have grown up.”

The Big Guy even has it in him to laugh hysterically at Dr. Douche, as the latter reams Meredith and Alex a new one, for having the NERVE to perform a surgery on their own, without waiting for him to swoop in, and take credit for their hard work , like he did last time . . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for THOSE DARN KIDS!”

On Drunk Dialing, and Taking that “Maiden Voyage”

“Does EVERYBODY on this show know I’m a virgin?  Now, I’m NEVER going to get LAID!”

Poor April!  It’s bad enough she has to live with Alex, and see him EVERY day, after the couple’s Botched Sex Attempt.  Now, it seems she’s being bombared with talk of happy couples, at every turn!  It all starts with her encountering a pair of Teens in Love, who have Krazy Glued their arms together, upon hearing that the boy’s family is about to move to a different state.

Just because it’s called Krazy Glue, doesn’t mean you have to use it to do  “Crazy Things.”

Having obviously had no experience in these sort of manners, April has no idea how to “unstick” the “happy couple.”  She seeks the suggestions of her colleagues (well . . . except  forAlex), and tries multiple solutions, but to no avail.  But leave it to a drunken Bailey to save the day!  “Just mix a little soap and warm water in with the Acetone,” slurs Bailey matter-of-factly.  “Works like a charm.”

“You may not know this, but I was quite Freaky Deaky, in my day.”

Later, while April is caring for an enebriated Bailey, and trying to keep her from “drunk dialing” her ex . . .

“You’d drunk dial too, if this man had screwed YOU!”

. . . Bailey decides that “medical” advice is not the only thing that April needs, she needs relationship advice too.  “You are a virgin,” Bailey reminds an embarrassed April for about the 500th time this season.  “And Alex Karev is not the boy you want to take your Maiden Voyage with.”

(Maiden Voyage, huh?  Is that what the cool kids are calling it nowadays?)

 That’s so very true, Bailey.  After all, a “Maiden Voyage” with Alex is like a “Maiden Voyage” on the Titanic.   And we all know how THAT ended . . .

OOPS!

An uninhibited Bailey goes on to wax nostalgic about her past relationship with Ben “the Gas Man,” how strongly she felt for him, and what a ROCKSTAR he was in the sack.  Bailey assures April that she too will one day find some one who she loves enough to “be glued to” forever.  

Of course, this is Grey’s Anatomy we are talking about here.  So, I suspect Bailey is correct in her assessment of April. 

And yet, based on what I’ve read, a new love interest is in store for Bailey as well . . . 

Well, hello there, Mr. Daniel Sunjata.  I look forward to getting to know YOU better VERY SOON . . .

Well . . . that’s definitely a start!

Speaking of Men Who Look Good With Their Shirts Off . . .

Mark Sloan — Callie’s “new roommate,” since her breakup with Arizona — has been encouraging Callie to cope with her breakup, by indulging in some “Sexual Sorbet.”

Is that a banana in your sherbert, or are you just happy to see me?

Deciding to take her best friend’s advice, at Joe’s Bar, Callie approaches a woman, who has been eyeing her all night . . .

Unfortunately, the woman in question ended up only being interested in Callie’s hair style, not her body. 

So, when a vulnerable and toasted Callie arrives home that night, she gets herself the next best thing to Sexual Sorbet . . .

A Banana Surprise!

Speaking of OTHER Men Who Look Good With Their Shirts Off . . .

With the exception of a brief shot of Avery waking up from Night Terrors, during the opening moments of the episode, Dr. Hotness kept his clothes on for most of the hour . . .

However, he DID almost single-handedly save the life of one of a pair of brothers, who, brilliantly tried to “out drive” an oncoming train. He also made some headway toward a new relationship with his crush Lexie.

“When I asked you to ‘open your heart to me,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

You see, I mentioned before that Avery saved ONE brother from being killed, as a result of a Horrific Train Accident.  What I didn’t mention was that the other one died.  In discussing, how the surviving brother, and his parents, would cope with that loss, Avery indirectly admitted that his Night Terrors and “acting out” of late have been the result of his own Survivor’s Guilt following The Shooting.

Way to recognize your true feelings Dr. Hotness . . . how very In Treatment of you!

In Other News . . .

Dr. McDreamy may NOT have won People Magazine’s  Sexiest Man Alive for 2010 . . .

 . . . but he did win a grant to begin his Alzheimer’s research!  He also proved himself to be a very good friend to Cristina, silently supporting the ALREADY FIRED errant bartender, as she did WAY TOO MANY shots with some random dudes from a Bachelor Party . . .

 . . . and danced around the bar like a TOTAL HO BAG!

In fact, Derek silently watched and protected a Drunk and Clearly Vulnerable Cristina (who REALLY NEEDS TO BE IN THERAPY!  HELLO!),  until Owen arrived at the bar to literally carry his wife home.

Once home, it was Owen’s turn to support Cristina and her “new religion,” by helping her “pray to porcelain God.”

Ummm, Cristina?  I hate to break this to you, but . . . that’s not a pillow . . .

Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Don’t Be a Dummy (or an Ass)! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “That’s Me Trying”

JACKSON:  So, I hear this is the episode where we all just play with dolls for an hour  . . .

APRIL:  I love dolls!  I used to have a Barbie Dream House when I was a kid.  I would make Barbie throw these awesome slumber parties, for all my other dolls.  It was hard though.  Because I had a lot of dolls, and the Dream House only had one bed . . .

ALEX:  I am so turned on by you, right now . . .

In the five or so years since it has been on the air (MAN, I’M OLD!), Grey’s Anatomy has tackled some pretty heavy and hard-hitting issues: terminal illness, mental health issues, divorce, emotional abuse, loneliness, death, mass murder, hot naked men  . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

This week’s episode, however, was about dummies . . . and asses.

So, grab your favorite blow-up doll . . .

 . . . and BACK THAT ASS UP. . .

 . . . because it’s time to do some RECAPPING!

Nothing Like a Good Old-Fashioned Autopsy to Work Up an Appetite . . .

“I have nothing against Dead People!  Some of my best friends are corpses.”

Poor Bailey!  She still can’t figure out what mean-spirited and manipulative plot twist rare medical abnormality resulted in the untimely death of Special Guest Star Mandy Moore Mary Portman.  And so, off she heads to the Autopsy Room, in search of answers . . .

(By the way, does anyone who watched the episode know if Mandy Moore was actually in it, Weekend at Bernie’s style?  Or was that just a Madame Tussaud – type “dummy” of her on the autopsy table?  Either way, it was SUPER CREEPY . . .)

Now, I know that the Pathologist performing “Mary’s” autopsy was just “doing her job.”  And I know that she is probably used to working with patients who don’t . . . um . . . “talk back.”  So, Bailey’s non-stop barrage of questions and generalized buttinsky-ness was probably pretty gosh darn annoying for her.  I am also sure she is the “best in her field.”  (After all, isn’t every specialist who works at Seattle Grace?)

OMG!  Anna Draper from Mad Men came back from the dead, as an ill-tempered pathologist!

However . . . I don’t care HOW MANY YEARS of my life I had spent cutting dead bodies open . . . NEVER would I consider it OK to chew gum, and make dinner reservations, while doing it.  Aside from majorly disrespecting the dead . . . that’s just GROSS!

So, when the Undead Anna Draper told Bailey that the results of Mary’s autopsy would be inconclusive for at least another two weeks (Apparently, Mary’s brain had to “soak more” or something), I can understand why Bailey wanted a “second opinion.”  And, truthfully, I hope that Bailey finds the answers she is seeking, if only so that she can get some much-needed closure on the dark chapter of her life entitled, The Shooting.

Speaking of beating a dead storyline corpse . . .

Yang Quits Seattle Grace

“Give me back my Kickass Character, or I’m going to jump!”

OK . . . so I’ve been noticing quite a bit of heated debate on the internet amongst Grey’s fans, regarding this whole Cristina / PTSD storyline.  There are many of you out there (like me), who find the storyline to be growing tiresome, and increasingly difficult to watch.  While there are others of you who praise the authenticity with which the show’s writers have dealt with the very REAL issue of post-traumatic stress.

To some extent, I can see those fans’ point.  After all, it would be perfectly understandable for a real-life doctor, who endured what Cristina had to endure during The Shooting, to experience some long-term effects of that trauma.   And I also agree, that dramas like this too often sweep events like The Shooting under the carpet, failing to address their lasting impact, at all. 

And yet, when it comes right down to it, I watch Grey’s Anatomy to be entertained, not to be lectured about the devastating effects PTSD can have on the human psyche, and the importance of seeking long-term psychological treatment for those effects. 

Sometimes as a producer / writer for a popular television drama, you have to sacrifice a bit of realism for entertainment value.  And, in the case of this storyline, I feel like that is a lesson that Grey’s Anatomy still needs to learn . . .

All right . . . I’m off my soap box now.  Back to the recap .  . .

This was supposed to be an “Easy Day” for Cristina Yang.  She was supposed to spend the day with her new husband, playing with dummies, along with the rest of the residents.

But Evil Teddy had to go and ruin that, by telling Cristina that she (gasp) actually had to help a REAL LIVE patient, instead . . .

Oh, the horror!

As it turns out, that Sweet Smiley Old Man on who’s behalf Cristina negotiated, so that he could get a spot on the lung transplant list a few weeks back, was set to go into surgery that day (once Teddy picked up his New Lungs, of course).  And so, Teddy requested that Cristina monitor the patient, while she retrieved the vital organ.  Giving Teddy that Deer-in-Headlights look we’ve come to come to expect from this “New Yang,” Cristina reluctantly agreed to perform the task.

 

We are treated to a tiny glimpse of the Old Cristina, when she exchanges some dry banter with her adorable patient, who — despite some evidence to the contrary — we can tell she likes and really cares about.  “Any joke that begins with an animal walking into a bar is, by definition, not funny,” insists Cristina wryly, when the patient in question tries, in vain, to make her laugh.

I don’t know . . . it looks pretty darn hilarious to me!

Despite refusing to laugh at his jokes, Cristina is remarkably kind and supportive to her patient, when he admits his fear of getting “New Lungs.”  “Don’t think of it as ‘getting New Lungs,'” offers Cristina.  “Think of it as getting rid of Old Crappy Ones.”

During this exchange the patient’s estranged daughter, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, enters the room . . .

“I don’t really get this whole  ‘Hospital  Thing.’  Whenever people got sick on my show, we just performed spells to make them better . . .  It was SO much easier.”

 When Tara apologizes for her not-so-subtle barb about her father not being in her life for twenty years, Adorable Patient surprises her, by complimenting her snarkiness.  “You get that from me,” he says proudly.

It’s actually, a very sweet moment . . . or, at least it would be, if Adorable Patient didn’t go into cardiac arrest, during it.

That’s right!  I said cardiac arrest.  Now, in addition to needing a new set of lungs, Adorable Patient might require a new heart, as well!

As a bevy of nurses rushes to her father’s aid, and DOCTOR Cristina stands stock still, suddenly becoming fascinated by shiny objects, Tara begins to wonder whether witchcraft might be a preferable solution to letting her absentee father rot in this Crackpot Hospital . . .

Worried about his wife’s mental health (aren’t we all!), Owen grants Meredith trauma surgery certification immediately, despite her not having completed the skills course (How unfair is THAT?).  This way, she can help her “Best Friend” through her “diffcult time.”  But Cristina doesn’t want Meredith’s help.  Instead, she brusquely sends Meredith to provide Tara with updates on her father’s status, while she attends to stabilze Adorable Patient’s heart, solo.

“So Tara, you and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are like ‘friends,’ right?  Do you think you could get me her autograph?”

Although pushing off the “interpersonal stuff” on a friend, so that she can do the “medical stuff” sounds precisely like something Old Cristina would do.  We can immediately tell that something is off about our old Robo Doc.  Cristina’s tenacity and aggressiveness are gone.  Her heart is just not in it.  Oh . . . and she’s being a TOTAL BIATCH to Poor Meredith . . .

Later Cristina admits to Meredith that she doesn’t want to speak to Adorable Patient’s daughter, because she is afraid.  Everything about Seattle Grace that Cristina used to love, now petrifies her.  And abject fear does not exactly inspire confidence in Witches from Sunnydale a patient’s family members.

Later, while Meredith and Cristina are on the roof of the hospital, waiting for Teddy’s triumphant return, Meredith confronts her “bestie” about her excessive b*tchiness, of late.  And yet, by the time Cristina finishes her tirade, Meredith undoubtedly wishes she hadn’t brought it up and so do we.

“How are you fine?  How are you just completely fine?”  Christina yells.  “I am ruined, OK?  I am dead.  I am wrecked. . . . Why are you okay?  You were there too.  You were there  . . . with your sad eyes, screaming at me to save his life. Telling the guy to shoot you, and not giving a crap about yourself or your pregnancy.  I didn’t have a choice.  And you did that.  If it was anyone else on the table . . .  if it was anyone else standing there . . . I would have walked away . . . I could have walked away, and, then, I wouldn’t be here!”

“Does this mean you won’t be having Sleepover Parties, with Derek and Me, anymore?”

Ultimately, Cristina is able to stabilize Adorable Patient’s heart, long enough for Teddy to return with his organs, and perform the planned surgery.  But when Chief Webber approaches Cristina, to compliment her on a job well done, Cristina asks to speak with him privately.  As she later admits to Owen, she quit Seattle Grace, right then and there.

“You were right.  I can do it.   I can still be a surgeon,” explains Cristina.  “I just don’t want to.”

It’s possible that we might never get back, Old Cristina.  But one thing is for certain: this New One has GOT TO GO!  Take care of yourself, Cristina!  Here’s hoping that you get the help you need, and come back REALLY SOON. with a brand new storyline that doesn’t involve your ever having to give us the Deer-in-Headlights Look ever again!

  (Oh, and kudos to Sandra Oh, for some outstanding performances, these past couple of weeks.  Just because I didn’t like the things you “did” and “said,” doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the skill with which you did and said them.)

This Butt’s for YOU!

While Cristina was busy “butting out” of Seattle Grace, Mark and Sloan were “butting in” to the life of a late twenty-something patient, who desperately wanted to get some more ass . . . literally.

I don’t know which part of this scene was funnier: the patient’s repeated insistence on increasing the size of her computer-generated butt double (despite the fact that a woman with that small of a frame would probably topple over, if she had that ass); or Lexie’s increasingly horrified reaction shots . . .

“My goodness!  Get an ass like that, and you might have to actually wear Size 6 jeans!  THE HORROR!”

But you know Lexie, every patient’s case has to be ALL ABOUT HER!  So, instead of rationally expressing concern about the fact that the patient’s “new ass” was be highly disproportionate to the rest of her body, and would likely throw her back out of alignment, Lexie ASSUMED that the patient was having the surgery to impress “Some Guy.”

And you know what they say about people who ASSUME things, right?  They make an ASS out of . . . well . . . everyone.  (You thought I was going to say, “You and Me,” didn’t you?  See what I mean about “assuming” things?)

As it turns out, Butt Girl, isn’t Lexie.  Because Lexie, at least according to Butt Girl, has a FABULOUS ASS!  (Also, Butt Girl doesn’t rashly decide to move in with her 20-years older than her boyfriend, before she’s really ready, and agree to raise his 18-year old bastard child.)

Ahem!

All Butt Girl wants is to be able to look good in a pair of jeans.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently . . . at least, as far as Lexie is concerned.

Later, at Joe’s Bar, Lexie finds a Lonely Mark lecherously assessing the veracity of Butt Girl’s claim regarding the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is Little Grey’s ass.  And, although Lexie feigns moral indignation at being treated by her former lover colleague like a Pair of Firm Grapefruit, the little Wiggle Move she does, when she walks away from him, says otherwise . . .

“My Humps.  My Humps.  My Lovely Lady Lumps!”

“Alzheimers is a Bad Disease.  We Should Cure It.”

While Sloan is busy checking out Lexie’s ass, Derek seems to have lodged his head up his.  I always thought that doctors worked these CRAZY hours.  Yet, this week, we see virtually the ENTIRE Seattle Grace staff playing with dolls, for a whole day.  Meanwhile, Derek spends about 12 hours in the board room “researching Alzheimers” for his upcoming grant proposal, only to come up with this . . .

Come on Dr. McDreamy!  I know eight-year olds that can write better Book Reports than that!

Fortunately, Bailey, who’s been dealing with her own problems this week (See Anna Draper story, above), is wise enough to see the REAL reason behind Derek’s writer’s block.  She is also kind enough to take time out of her own busy sulking schedule to help him see it too.  “I am not the one who can’t stop  thinking about his wife getting Alzheimers long enough to write a damn essay!”

As if things weren’t sucky enough for him already, Poor Derek then has to go home and break the news to his wife — who has just been unceremoniously dumped by her best friend — that he’s going to have to dump her from his surgical trials too, in order to maintain some modicum of objectivity in his research . . .

MEREDITH:  Well, THIS is depressing . . .

DEREK:  I know . . .

MEREDITH:  Let’s f*ck.

DEREK:  OK.

In other Want-to-Slit-Your-Wrist Couple’s News . . .

 Arizona Goes to Africa . . . ALONE.

Surprisingly, Callie and Arizona’s breakup had absolutely nothing to do with Arizona’s insistence on wearing this hideous hat . . .

When the episode begins, Callie and Arizona are still doing the same thing they were doing when last week’s episode ended.  Namely, they are packing.  Or, perhaps, more accurately, they are giving away their useless crap, so that they won’t have to pack it. 

(I mean think about it. You’re traveling halfway across the world, to a place where you plan to spend THREE YEARS.  Do you have any idea how EXPENSIVE checking all that luggage would be?)

And don’t even get me started on those SUPER embarrassing Full Body Scans . . .  No wonder Callie would rather stay home!

So, Arizona tries to pass off some of Callie’s cooking utensils on Mark  . . .

Oh come on!  As if Mark ever eats ANYTHING besides TV dinners and underaged hookers, anyway . . .

Then, Callie starts TOTALLY bitching Arizona out for giving her crap away, without asking first.  So, yeah, it becomes pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that Callie has NO desire to go to Malawi and help the “Tiny Humans” . . .

To add insult to injury, Chief Webber starts really laying the guilt trips on thick, as he gripes to Callie about how incredibly HARD it will be to replace not one, but TWO awesome attendings, like Callie and Arizona.

Hmmmm . . . maybe if your doctors spent less time groping dummies, and more time helping patients, you wouldn’t be so short staffed all the time. . .

Sensing weakness in Callie, the relentless Chief Webber pushes the knife in a little deeper, by telling her that, had she decided to stay at Seattle Grace, he had “big plans for [her.]  Really BIG!”

“I’d show you those plans right now.  But they are currently in my pants.  Unless, of course, you would like to go get them . . .”

Throughout the episode, Callie snarks on and on, about how utterly LAME Malawi will be.  So, really, is it any wonder that NO ONE wanted to come to her’s and Arizona’s going away party?

Seriously?  I’ve seen funerals that were more lively . . .

Later, when Callie meets up with Mark for another extended “I Don’t WANNA GO!” Complaining Session, Mark takes this opportunity to compare Callie’s trip to Africa to a boob job.

You stay classy, Mark Sloan (you Dirty Old Man, you)!

“You’re sounding an awful lot like a girl who’s getting a boob job, just because her boyfriend likes girls with Really Big Racks . . . and by Big Racks, I mean Africa,” explains Captain Obvious Sloan.

“But I love her,” argues Callie.

“I know.  But you are going to have to learn to love Africa too,” Sloan remarks wisely, before pulling his bestie in for a sweet embrace.

I heart these two .  . .

Talk about waiting until the last minute!  It’s not until Arizona and Callie are already at the airport, waiting to board the plane, that Arizona drops the bomb on Callie that she will be going to Africa, without her.

“Geez, Arizona!  Do the words Frequent Flyer Miles mean ANYTHING to you?  Do you have any idea how many pairs of shoes I’ve charged to my American Express Card, so that I could get this flight?”

Arizona explains that going to Africa, and providing medical care to third world children, has always been her dream.  And Callie’s sulking and carrying on, is ruining that dream.  Callie begs and pleads with Arizona to reconsider, but to no avail.  So, finally, she issues an ultimatum . . .

“If you get on that plane and go without me we are done. Do you hear me? We are over,” Callie insists.

“Really?  Were you planning to ground me, and forbid me from going to prom too?”

Rather than run crying into her arms muttering apologies, Arizona just nods sadly after all she’s just going on maternity leave, not leaving the show.  No need to get so dramatic!  “We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other. We are already over,” replies Arizona, as she turns and heads toward her gate.


 “Oh please!  Screaming in the airport means we ARE a couple!  That’s what couples do!  They FIGHT . . . and have hot makeup sex . . . possibly, while becoming members of the Mile High Club!”

Don’t worry, Callie!  She’ll be back . . .

And finally, last but not least . . .

April Kepner – Dummy Doctor Extraordinaire!

“I pity the FOOL who messes with MY dummies!”

When, at the beginning of their trauma certification class, Owen informed the residents that there had been a bus accident outside, with massive casualties, they ran to the scene of the incident, like BATS OUT OF HELL!

So, you could imagine how disappointed / pissed off they were, when these “fine doctors” found out that their “trauma victims” were actually the cast of those lame (and incredibly creepy) Old Navy commercials . . .

Man, I HATE those commercials . . .

Apparently, Owen spent his “million dollar” trauma training grant on: (1) a bunch of impeccably dressed dummies; and (2) flashcards listing various fake injuries that the dummies are purportedly suffering from.  (Coincidentally, you can buy all of these things at Old Navy, for the banner price of $19.99!) 

Here’s how trauma training works.  The residents break up into groups of four.  Together, those groups tend to the injuries of the fake dummies.  If they can keep the dummies “alive,” long enough to get them onto a “rescue helicopter,” they can earn their certification. 

Now, there are PLENTY of teams.  But the only one that the episode writer really seems interested in is “Blue Team,” starring April Kepner Dr. Hotness Avery, and Alex Karev.

Though Blue Team is the only one that seems to really care about the exercise (continuing to tend to their patients, long after all the other teams have “failed,”  and hours into a very rainy night) Dr. Power Tripper Hunt inexplicably seems determined to PUNISH them for their dedication.  He does this by making up more and more fake injuries for Blue Team’s dummies, and refusing to let the FAKE helicopter come and take the “victims” away.

“Here we are, seven episodes into this season, and ALL of my lines so far have been some form of ‘Cristina, are you OK?’  Well, now, I’ve got my OWN storyline, and I’m going to make the best of it, dammit.  Even if it means babbling on about things that make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!”

Dr. Hotness (who is quickly taking over the “Cocky-Bad-Boy-Who-Deep-Down-is-Just-Insecure” role, formerly held by Alex Karev) eventually gets fed up, and quits the “game.”  This was fine by me, because it gave Owen an excuse to yell at him, which gave ME an excuse to gaze into those dreamy eyes of his . . .

Observe . . . the Sexy Brood and Smoulder of Dr. Hotness, in his natural habitat.

Eventually, Owen has Avery return to complete the certification course.  However, before that happens, April  — upon deciding that TWO can play at the “making sh*t up” game — has come up with an “ingenious” (and by, “ingenious,” I mean “adorable, but incredibly dorky”) way to “save” her victims and “win” the game.  While rambling on like an INSANE person, April dashes off to a nearby ambulence.  Then, despite being told by Owen that it is “not in play,” April stuffs her’s and Alex’s dummies in the back of it.

By the way, the cheesy Action Movie Music that was playing in the background, while April was doing this, made the WHOLE scene TEN TIMES FUNNIER!  If anyone knows what song that was, PLEASE tell me!  Because, once I find it, that puppy is becoming part of the “Running Mix” on my iPod, STAT!

While Alex looks on with amusement, Owen tries in vain to reason with Crazy April, telling her that the ambulence . . . um . . .  broke down . . . or something.  But April will not listen to reason.  “Now MOVE!  Or I will RUN . . . YOU . . . DOWN!”  She growls, before putting her key in the ignition, and driving the ambulence around to the Emergency Room entrance.

April then starts picking up the dummies, and carrying them, BY HAND, into the hospital . . .

“Hey there, Old Navy Mannequin!  You are much shorter, in person . . .  By the way, are you single?”

She probably would have performed surgery on the damn things too, if Owen didn’t FINALLY put the kibosh on the whole exercise.  “OK.  Fine!  Blue Team Wins,” Owen mutters.

“Blue Team, wins?  BLUE TEAM WINS!”  April yelps, throwing her poor defenseless Old Navy Mannequin on the ground in triumph, with all the verve of a Football Player, who just scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.

This Crazy Chica even had her own ENDZONE DANCE, for crying out loud!  Once she’s finished self-congratulating, April rushes to Alex, and pulls him in for a tight embrace.  Alex honestly, looks a bit taken aback by the sudden show of affection.  However, he is obviously pleased to be a part of this insanity.

“I’ve never been hugged by a Real Virgin before . . . weird.”

That night, at Joe’s, Alex teases April, by doing a spot-on impersonation of her “I WILL MOW YOU DOWN,” speech.

“I will make you walk the plank, Matey!  Arrrrgh!”

But then, the Former Bad Boy sweetly compliments April on how “awesome” and “hilarious” she was, during the course.  He’s ABSOLUTELY signing up for April’s team, the next time Seattle Grace has a skills lab!  After he tells her all this, April gives Alex this look, and it’s a look us girls know all too well . . .

Yup . . . that’s the one . . .

Oh, April, honey . . . You are in SOOOOOO much trouble!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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