JACKSON: So, I hear this is the episode where we all just play with dolls for an hour . . .
APRIL: I love dolls! I used to have a Barbie Dream House when I was a kid. I would make Barbie throw these awesome slumber parties, for all my other dolls. It was hard though. Because I had a lot of dolls, and the Dream House only had one bed . . .
ALEX: I am so turned on by you, right now . . .
In the five or so years since it has been on the air (MAN, I’M OLD!), Grey’s Anatomy has tackled some pretty heavy and hard-hitting issues: terminal illness, mental health issues, divorce, emotional abuse, loneliness, death, mass murder, hot naked men . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old.
This week’s episode, however, was about dummies . . . and asses.
So, grab your favorite blow-up doll . . .
. . . and BACK THAT ASS UP. . .
. . . because it’s time to do some RECAPPING!
Nothing Like a Good Old-Fashioned Autopsy to Work Up an Appetite . . .
“I have nothing against Dead People! Some of my best friends are corpses.”
Poor Bailey! She still can’t figure out what mean-spirited and manipulative plot twist rare medical abnormality resulted in the untimely death of Special Guest Star Mandy Moore Mary Portman. And so, off she heads to the Autopsy Room, in search of answers . . .
(By the way, does anyone who watched the episode know if Mandy Moore was actually in it, Weekend at Bernie’s style? Or was that just a Madame Tussaud – type “dummy” of her on the autopsy table? Either way, it was SUPER CREEPY . . .)
Now, I know that the Pathologist performing “Mary’s” autopsy was just “doing her job.” And I know that she is probably used to working with patients who don’t . . . um . . . “talk back.” So, Bailey’s non-stop barrage of questions and generalized buttinsky-ness was probably pretty gosh darn annoying for her. I am also sure she is the “best in her field.” (After all, isn’t every specialist who works at Seattle Grace?)
OMG! Anna Draper from Mad Men came back from the dead, as an ill-tempered pathologist!
However . . . I don’t care HOW MANY YEARS of my life I had spent cutting dead bodies open . . . NEVER would I consider it OK to chew gum, and make dinner reservations, while doing it. Aside from majorly disrespecting the dead . . . that’s just GROSS!
So, when the Undead Anna Draper told Bailey that the results of Mary’s autopsy would be inconclusive for at least another two weeks (Apparently, Mary’s brain had to “soak more” or something), I can understand why Bailey wanted a “second opinion.” And, truthfully, I hope that Bailey finds the answers she is seeking, if only so that she can get some much-needed closure on the dark chapter of her life entitled, The Shooting.
Speaking of beating a dead storyline corpse . . .
Yang Quits Seattle Grace
“Give me back my Kickass Character, or I’m going to jump!”
OK . . . so I’ve been noticing quite a bit of heated debate on the internet amongst Grey’s fans, regarding this whole Cristina / PTSD storyline. There are many of you out there (like me), who find the storyline to be growing tiresome, and increasingly difficult to watch. While there are others of you who praise the authenticity with which the show’s writers have dealt with the very REAL issue of post-traumatic stress.
To some extent, I can see those fans’ point. After all, it would be perfectly understandable for a real-life doctor, who endured what Cristina had to endure during The Shooting, to experience some long-term effects of that trauma. And I also agree, that dramas like this too often sweep events like The Shooting under the carpet, failing to address their lasting impact, at all.
And yet, when it comes right down to it, I watch Grey’s Anatomy to be entertained, not to be lectured about the devastating effects PTSD can have on the human psyche, and the importance of seeking long-term psychological treatment for those effects.
Sometimes as a producer / writer for a popular television drama, you have to sacrifice a bit of realism for entertainment value. And, in the case of this storyline, I feel like that is a lesson that Grey’s Anatomy still needs to learn . . .
All right . . . I’m off my soap box now. Back to the recap . . .
This was supposed to be an “Easy Day” for Cristina Yang. She was supposed to spend the day with her new husband, playing with dummies, along with the rest of the residents.
But Evil Teddy had to go and ruin that, by telling Cristina that she (gasp) actually had to help a REAL LIVE patient, instead . . .
Oh, the horror!
As it turns out, that Sweet Smiley Old Man on who’s behalf Cristina negotiated, so that he could get a spot on the lung transplant list a few weeks back, was set to go into surgery that day (once Teddy picked up his New Lungs, of course). And so, Teddy requested that Cristina monitor the patient, while she retrieved the vital organ. Giving Teddy that Deer-in-Headlights look we’ve come to come to expect from this “New Yang,” Cristina reluctantly agreed to perform the task.
We are treated to a tiny glimpse of the Old Cristina, when she exchanges some dry banter with her adorable patient, who — despite some evidence to the contrary — we can tell she likes and really cares about. “Any joke that begins with an animal walking into a bar is, by definition, not funny,” insists Cristina wryly, when the patient in question tries, in vain, to make her laugh.
I don’t know . . . it looks pretty darn hilarious to me!
Despite refusing to laugh at his jokes, Cristina is remarkably kind and supportive to her patient, when he admits his fear of getting “New Lungs.” “Don’t think of it as ‘getting New Lungs,'” offers Cristina. “Think of it as getting rid of Old Crappy Ones.”
During this exchange the patient’s estranged daughter, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, enters the room . . .
“I don’t really get this whole ‘Hospital Thing.’ Whenever people got sick on my show, we just performed spells to make them better . . . It was SO much easier.”
When Tara apologizes for her not-so-subtle barb about her father not being in her life for twenty years, Adorable Patient surprises her, by complimenting her snarkiness. “You get that from me,” he says proudly.
It’s actually, a very sweet moment . . . or, at least it would be, if Adorable Patient didn’t go into cardiac arrest, during it.
That’s right! I said cardiac arrest. Now, in addition to needing a new set of lungs, Adorable Patient might require a new heart, as well!
As a bevy of nurses rushes to her father’s aid, and DOCTOR Cristina stands stock still, suddenly becoming fascinated by shiny objects, Tara begins to wonder whether witchcraft might be a preferable solution to letting her absentee father rot in this Crackpot Hospital . . .
Worried about his wife’s mental health (aren’t we all!), Owen grants Meredith trauma surgery certification immediately, despite her not having completed the skills course (How unfair is THAT?). This way, she can help her “Best Friend” through her “diffcult time.” But Cristina doesn’t want Meredith’s help. Instead, she brusquely sends Meredith to provide Tara with updates on her father’s status, while she attends to stabilze Adorable Patient’s heart, solo.
“So Tara, you and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are like ‘friends,’ right? Do you think you could get me her autograph?”
Although pushing off the “interpersonal stuff” on a friend, so that she can do the “medical stuff” sounds precisely like something Old Cristina would do. We can immediately tell that something is off about our old Robo Doc. Cristina’s tenacity and aggressiveness are gone. Her heart is just not in it. Oh . . . and she’s being a TOTAL BIATCH to Poor Meredith . . .
Later Cristina admits to Meredith that she doesn’t want to speak to Adorable Patient’s daughter, because she is afraid. Everything about Seattle Grace that Cristina used to love, now petrifies her. And abject fear does not exactly inspire confidence in Witches from Sunnydale a patient’s family members.
Later, while Meredith and Cristina are on the roof of the hospital, waiting for Teddy’s triumphant return, Meredith confronts her “bestie” about her excessive b*tchiness, of late. And yet, by the time Cristina finishes her tirade, Meredith undoubtedly wishes she hadn’t brought it up and so do we.
“How are you fine? How are you just completely fine?” Christina yells. “I am ruined, OK? I am dead. I am wrecked. . . . Why are you okay? You were there too. You were there . . . with your sad eyes, screaming at me to save his life. Telling the guy to shoot you, and not giving a crap about yourself or your pregnancy. I didn’t have a choice. And you did that. If it was anyone else on the table . . . if it was anyone else standing there . . . I would have walked away . . . I could have walked away, and, then, I wouldn’t be here!”
“Does this mean you won’t be having Sleepover Parties, with Derek and Me, anymore?”
Ultimately, Cristina is able to stabilize Adorable Patient’s heart, long enough for Teddy to return with his organs, and perform the planned surgery. But when Chief Webber approaches Cristina, to compliment her on a job well done, Cristina asks to speak with him privately. As she later admits to Owen, she quit Seattle Grace, right then and there.
“You were right. I can do it. I can still be a surgeon,” explains Cristina. “I just don’t want to.”
It’s possible that we might never get back, Old Cristina. But one thing is for certain: this New One has GOT TO GO! Take care of yourself, Cristina! Here’s hoping that you get the help you need, and come back REALLY SOON. with a brand new storyline that doesn’t involve your ever having to give us the Deer-in-Headlights Look ever again!
This Butt’s for YOU!
While Cristina was busy “butting out” of Seattle Grace, Mark and Sloan were “butting in” to the life of a late twenty-something patient, who desperately wanted to get some more ass . . . literally.
I don’t know which part of this scene was funnier: the patient’s repeated insistence on increasing the size of her computer-generated butt double (despite the fact that a woman with that small of a frame would probably topple over, if she had that ass); or Lexie’s increasingly horrified reaction shots . . .
“My goodness! Get an ass like that, and you might have to actually wear Size 6 jeans! THE HORROR!”
But you know Lexie, every patient’s case has to be ALL ABOUT HER! So, instead of rationally expressing concern about the fact that the patient’s “new ass” was be highly disproportionate to the rest of her body, and would likely throw her back out of alignment, Lexie ASSUMED that the patient was having the surgery to impress “Some Guy.”
And you know what they say about people who ASSUME things, right? They make an ASS out of . . . well . . . everyone. (You thought I was going to say, “You and Me,” didn’t you? See what I mean about “assuming” things?)
As it turns out, Butt Girl, isn’t Lexie. Because Lexie, at least according to Butt Girl, has a FABULOUS ASS! (Also, Butt Girl doesn’t rashly decide to move in with her 20-years older than her boyfriend, before she’s really ready, and agree to raise his 18-year old bastard child.)
Ahem!
All Butt Girl wants is to be able to look good in a pair of jeans. Is that too much to ask? Apparently . . . at least, as far as Lexie is concerned.
Later, at Joe’s Bar, Lexie finds a Lonely Mark lecherously assessing the veracity of Butt Girl’s claim regarding the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is Little Grey’s ass. And, although Lexie feigns moral indignation at being treated by her former lover colleague like a Pair of Firm Grapefruit, the little Wiggle Move she does, when she walks away from him, says otherwise . . .
“My Humps. My Humps. My Lovely Lady Lumps!”
“Alzheimers is a Bad Disease. We Should Cure It.”
While Sloan is busy checking out Lexie’s ass, Derek seems to have lodged his head up his. I always thought that doctors worked these CRAZY hours. Yet, this week, we see virtually the ENTIRE Seattle Grace staff playing with dolls, for a whole day. Meanwhile, Derek spends about 12 hours in the board room “researching Alzheimers” for his upcoming grant proposal, only to come up with this . . .
Come on Dr. McDreamy! I know eight-year olds that can write better Book Reports than that!
Fortunately, Bailey, who’s been dealing with her own problems this week (See Anna Draper story, above), is wise enough to see the REAL reason behind Derek’s writer’s block. She is also kind enough to take time out of her own busy sulking schedule to help him see it too. “I am not the one who can’t stop thinking about his wife getting Alzheimers long enough to write a damn essay!”
As if things weren’t sucky enough for him already, Poor Derek then has to go home and break the news to his wife — who has just been unceremoniously dumped by her best friend — that he’s going to have to dump her from his surgical trials too, in order to maintain some modicum of objectivity in his research . . .
MEREDITH: Well, THIS is depressing . . .
DEREK: I know . . .
MEREDITH: Let’s f*ck.
DEREK: OK.
In other Want-to-Slit-Your-Wrist Couple’s News . . .
Arizona Goes to Africa . . . ALONE.
Surprisingly, Callie and Arizona’s breakup had absolutely nothing to do with Arizona’s insistence on wearing this hideous hat . . .
When the episode begins, Callie and Arizona are still doing the same thing they were doing when last week’s episode ended. Namely, they are packing. Or, perhaps, more accurately, they are giving away their useless crap, so that they won’t have to pack it.
(I mean think about it. You’re traveling halfway across the world, to a place where you plan to spend THREE YEARS. Do you have any idea how EXPENSIVE checking all that luggage would be?)
And don’t even get me started on those SUPER embarrassing Full Body Scans . . . No wonder Callie would rather stay home!
So, Arizona tries to pass off some of Callie’s cooking utensils on Mark . . .
Oh come on! As if Mark ever eats ANYTHING besides TV dinners and underaged hookers, anyway . . .
Then, Callie starts TOTALLY bitching Arizona out for giving her crap away, without asking first. So, yeah, it becomes pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that Callie has NO desire to go to Malawi and help the “Tiny Humans” . . .
To add insult to injury, Chief Webber starts really laying the guilt trips on thick, as he gripes to Callie about how incredibly HARD it will be to replace not one, but TWO awesome attendings, like Callie and Arizona.
Hmmmm . . . maybe if your doctors spent less time groping dummies, and more time helping patients, you wouldn’t be so short staffed all the time. . .
Sensing weakness in Callie, the relentless Chief Webber pushes the knife in a little deeper, by telling her that, had she decided to stay at Seattle Grace, he had “big plans for [her.] Really BIG!”
“I’d show you those plans right now. But they are currently in my pants. Unless, of course, you would like to go get them . . .”
Throughout the episode, Callie snarks on and on, about how utterly LAME Malawi will be. So, really, is it any wonder that NO ONE wanted to come to her’s and Arizona’s going away party?
Seriously? I’ve seen funerals that were more lively . . .
Later, when Callie meets up with Mark for another extended “I Don’t WANNA GO!” Complaining Session, Mark takes this opportunity to compare Callie’s trip to Africa to a boob job.
You stay classy, Mark Sloan (you Dirty Old Man, you)!
“You’re sounding an awful lot like a girl who’s getting a boob job, just because her boyfriend likes girls with Really Big Racks . . . and by Big Racks, I mean Africa,” explains Captain Obvious Sloan.
“But I love her,” argues Callie.
“I know. But you are going to have to learn to love Africa too,” Sloan remarks wisely, before pulling his bestie in for a sweet embrace.
I heart these two . . .
Talk about waiting until the last minute! It’s not until Arizona and Callie are already at the airport, waiting to board the plane, that Arizona drops the bomb on Callie that she will be going to Africa, without her.
“Geez, Arizona! Do the words Frequent Flyer Miles mean ANYTHING to you? Do you have any idea how many pairs of shoes I’ve charged to my American Express Card, so that I could get this flight?”
Arizona explains that going to Africa, and providing medical care to third world children, has always been her dream. And Callie’s sulking and carrying on, is ruining that dream. Callie begs and pleads with Arizona to reconsider, but to no avail. So, finally, she issues an ultimatum . . .
“If you get on that plane and go without me we are done. Do you hear me? We are over,” Callie insists.
“Really? Were you planning to ground me, and forbid me from going to prom too?”
Rather than run crying into her arms muttering apologies, Arizona just nods sadly after all she’s just going on maternity leave, not leaving the show. No need to get so dramatic! “We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other. We are already over,” replies Arizona, as she turns and heads toward her gate.
“Oh please! Screaming in the airport means we ARE a couple! That’s what couples do! They FIGHT . . . and have hot makeup sex . . . possibly, while becoming members of the Mile High Club!”
Don’t worry, Callie! She’ll be back . . .
And finally, last but not least . . .
April Kepner – Dummy Doctor Extraordinaire!
“I pity the FOOL who messes with MY dummies!”
When, at the beginning of their trauma certification class, Owen informed the residents that there had been a bus accident outside, with massive casualties, they ran to the scene of the incident, like BATS OUT OF HELL!
So, you could imagine how disappointed / pissed off they were, when these “fine doctors” found out that their “trauma victims” were actually the cast of those lame (and incredibly creepy) Old Navy commercials . . .
Man, I HATE those commercials . . .
Apparently, Owen spent his “million dollar” trauma training grant on: (1) a bunch of impeccably dressed dummies; and (2) flashcards listing various fake injuries that the dummies are purportedly suffering from. (Coincidentally, you can buy all of these things at Old Navy, for the banner price of $19.99!)
Here’s how trauma training works. The residents break up into groups of four. Together, those groups tend to the injuries of the fake dummies. If they can keep the dummies “alive,” long enough to get them onto a “rescue helicopter,” they can earn their certification.
Now, there are PLENTY of teams. But the only one that the episode writer really seems interested in is “Blue Team,” starring April Kepner Dr. Hotness Avery, and Alex Karev.
Though Blue Team is the only one that seems to really care about the exercise (continuing to tend to their patients, long after all the other teams have “failed,” and hours into a very rainy night) Dr. Power Tripper Hunt inexplicably seems determined to PUNISH them for their dedication. He does this by making up more and more fake injuries for Blue Team’s dummies, and refusing to let the FAKE helicopter come and take the “victims” away.
“Here we are, seven episodes into this season, and ALL of my lines so far have been some form of ‘Cristina, are you OK?’ Well, now, I’ve got my OWN storyline, and I’m going to make the best of it, dammit. Even if it means babbling on about things that make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!”
Dr. Hotness (who is quickly taking over the “Cocky-Bad-Boy-Who-Deep-Down-is-Just-Insecure” role, formerly held by Alex Karev) eventually gets fed up, and quits the “game.” This was fine by me, because it gave Owen an excuse to yell at him, which gave ME an excuse to gaze into those dreamy eyes of his . . .
Observe . . . the Sexy Brood and Smoulder of Dr. Hotness, in his natural habitat.
Eventually, Owen has Avery return to complete the certification course. However, before that happens, April — upon deciding that TWO can play at the “making sh*t up” game — has come up with an “ingenious” (and by, “ingenious,” I mean “adorable, but incredibly dorky”) way to “save” her victims and “win” the game. While rambling on like an INSANE person, April dashes off to a nearby ambulence. Then, despite being told by Owen that it is “not in play,” April stuffs her’s and Alex’s dummies in the back of it.
By the way, the cheesy Action Movie Music that was playing in the background, while April was doing this, made the WHOLE scene TEN TIMES FUNNIER! If anyone knows what song that was, PLEASE tell me! Because, once I find it, that puppy is becoming part of the “Running Mix” on my iPod, STAT!
While Alex looks on with amusement, Owen tries in vain to reason with Crazy April, telling her that the ambulence . . . um . . . broke down . . . or something. But April will not listen to reason. “Now MOVE! Or I will RUN . . . YOU . . . DOWN!” She growls, before putting her key in the ignition, and driving the ambulence around to the Emergency Room entrance.
April then starts picking up the dummies, and carrying them, BY HAND, into the hospital . . .
“Hey there, Old Navy Mannequin! You are much shorter, in person . . . By the way, are you single?”
She probably would have performed surgery on the damn things too, if Owen didn’t FINALLY put the kibosh on the whole exercise. “OK. Fine! Blue Team Wins,” Owen mutters.
“Blue Team, wins? BLUE TEAM WINS!” April yelps, throwing her poor defenseless Old Navy Mannequin on the ground in triumph, with all the verve of a Football Player, who just scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.
This Crazy Chica even had her own ENDZONE DANCE, for crying out loud! Once she’s finished self-congratulating, April rushes to Alex, and pulls him in for a tight embrace. Alex honestly, looks a bit taken aback by the sudden show of affection. However, he is obviously pleased to be a part of this insanity.
“I’ve never been hugged by a Real Virgin before . . . weird.”
That night, at Joe’s, Alex teases April, by doing a spot-on impersonation of her “I WILL MOW YOU DOWN,” speech.
“I will make you walk the plank, Matey! Arrrrgh!”
But then, the Former Bad Boy sweetly compliments April on how “awesome” and “hilarious” she was, during the course. He’s ABSOLUTELY signing up for April’s team, the next time Seattle Grace has a skills lab! After he tells her all this, April gives Alex this look, and it’s a look us girls know all too well . . .
Yup . . . that’s the one . . .
Oh, April, honey . . . You are in SOOOOOO much trouble!
[www.juliekushner.com]
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