Tag Archives: Matthew Settle

Read it and Weep – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial”

Sometimes, the greatest love stories can be found in the most unexpected of places . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  In a show that is so often about lies, it was kind of refreshing to experience an episode of Gossip Girl that was actually all about the truth.

Each of our main characters except for Serena had a certain painful truth that plagued them throughout the episode.  Facing up to those truths  could leave them vulnerable to a world of painful consequences, but it could also set them free.  During the hour, we repeatedly wondered how our characters would cope with their specific truths.  Would they embrace them, bravely?  Or become imprisoned by them?  And, perhaps, importantly, would anyone get laid, in the process?

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Oh, come on!  As if it never crossed YOUR mind!

Let’s find out, shall we?

There Once was a Dog Named Monkey (and a Test Named Paternity)

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“Is that you, Jenny Humphrey?  You look . . . different.  Did you do something to your hair?

The odd (but hilarious) little bromance between Dan and Chuck continues, as Dan tries to cure Chuck of his “conversion disorder.”  Dan’s attempts to make Chuck “feel” again, include (1) making him watch Field of Dreams (an admittedly odd choice, but considering that Dan has always struck me as a 50-year old man, stuck in a 19-year old body, I guess we’re supposed to just go with it); and (2) buying him the most adorable little puppy EVER!  Thanks Dan, you’ve officially just made that Mother Chucker even more irresistible than he was before.  I didn’t think was possible . . .

“I’m Chuck Bass’ dog.” 

Chuck, who honestly, never struck me as much of a “dog” person, or an “animal of any kind,” person, for that matter, seems adamantly against the idea of keeping the dog, which, of course, in TV speak, means the canine is pretty much guaranteed to become a series regular . . .

“Oh yeah, I’m getting my SAG Card, b*tches!” 

But Chuck isn’t the only Upper East Sider Dan is trying to cure.  For whatever reason, Dan seems positively OBSESSED with getting Blair to open the results of her paternity test, so that she can FINALLY find out whether Chuck or Louis, is, in fact, her baby daddy.

“Well, it definitely isn’t ME!” 

In fact, Dan is SO interested in the answer to this question, that he and Dorota have been texting eachother like girlfriends, pretty much nonstop, ever since Blair found out she was pregnant.  The two also have been pestering Blair to pick up, and open the results envelope, about every three minutes.  (With friends like these, who needs stalkers?!)

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Actually, I’d say the best part of pregnancy is when cute guys give up their seat on the subway for you . . . but what do I know?

Finally, after cornering Blair on the street, Dan gets the Queen B to pick up her paternity results from the hospital.  But “picking up” the results, and actually opening them are two very different things!  Dan, of course, thinks Blair should rip of the proverbial Baby Daddy band-aid, right away.

DAN: “Would you mind terribly if I read the results out loud, in my best reality game show host voice?  I do a mean, Ryan Seacrest impersonation.”

But Blair manages to buy herself some time.  She reminds her Donut-y friend that she has an important interview with Hello magazine that she does not want to ruin with her eventual tears Inevitably Emotional Baby Discovery.  Dan then reluctantly agrees to back off, until after the interview is over.

“Well, that’s more civilized,” Blair replies, relieved.  “Unlike your hair,” she can’t help but add.  “You look like a muppet.”

Now that she mentions it, Dan does have a bit of a Fozzie Bear thing going for him, doesn’t he?

At the interview, of course, Blair is asked questions about when her and Louis-bot will be starting their half-human, half-cyborg family.  When Blair awkwardly deflects these questions, the interviewer informs her that Louis-bot has answered for her already.  Apparently, during HIS interview, Louis told the folks at Hello magazine that he and Blair were not at all ready for children, and that a family was a LOOOOOONG way off.

“Tell me something, Blair.  Can robot babies be breastfed, or do they only drink out of oil cans?”

Blair, of course, is crushed, not to mention petrified as to what Louis-bot’s response will be, when he finds out a “family” isn’t far off, at all.  Rather, it’s less than nine months away!

“I hope he doesn’t short-circuit, when I tell him.” 

To make matters worse, she receives a blast on Gossip Girl, which features Chuck taking his adorable little puppy back to the pound, a very, non-fatherly thing to do.

“Why is Chuck carrying Jenny Humphrey like that?  Can’t she walk on her own?” 

Convinced that neither of the baby’s potential fathers will be at all pleased to learn of her pregnancy, Blair tears up the paternity results (but not very well), and tosses them in a nearby wastebasket.  (Riiiiight, because no one would EVER find them there!)

“I’ll fold up the results and make them into a paper crane . . . or maybe a stork . . .” 

Blair then decides to go to a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Thingy, where she can walk the catwalk, and continue to be in denial of her expanding waistline , and uncertain Baby Daddy Future . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW household . . .

Welcome to the Mecca of Psychotic Freaks . . .

“Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I KILLED SOMEONE?” 

A very apprehensive Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, and the actual Serena have arrived back home.  Noticing faux-Charlie’s discomfort,  Serena immediately assumes that faux-Charlie is worried that the Upper East Siders won’t accept her, because last time she was here, she was a Total Wackjob, Who Had a Nervous Breakdown, and Pretty Much Single White Female-d Serena.

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Though pretty much anywhere else in the world, these would be fabulous reasons not to accept someone, in the Upper East Side, crazy is apparently what passes for normal.  Just ask Juliet, Georgina, Jenny Humphries, and, yes Serena! Serena describes the UES as a Mecca of Psychotic Freaks and a nervous breakdown as a right of passage.

“Who needs a Sweet 16, when you have your First Trip to the Ostroff Center?” 

Faux-Charlie seems touched by Serena’s seemingly unfailing kindness and acceptance of her, but doesn’t know how long this charade can continue.  Meanwhile, Serena reintroduces faux-Charlie to Blair.  And though the latter doesn’t exactly welcome her with open arms, she doesn’t shun her either, for Serena’s sake.

BLAIR: (through her teeth) “Just keep smiling, and maybe she won’t chop our faces up into teeny tiny pieces, while we sleep.” 

Faux-Charlie is quickly becoming enthralled with the Non Judging Breakfast Club.  And she seems pretty certain that she doesn’t want to return to her old Poor Person’s life, anytime soon . . .

“Seriously, stop bringing stray dogs into this house.  It stopped being cute, when you were about 13 and I realized you were actually sleeping with most of them.” 

But then she overhears Serena talking to her mother, and learns that Carol Rhodes, Charlie’s REAL mother, and the person who hired her to impersonate Charlie, in order to gain access to her trust fund is on the hunt for her, and worse, is returning to the Upper East Side to collect her.   Feeling trapped, faux-Charlie sees no other choice, but to leave town, before she is discovered.  She calls her ex-boyfriend Max, and tells him she will meet him in Seattle, and then hails a cab.

“Now, I know how Cinderella felt when she got turned back into a pumpkin . . . wait . . . I think I got that wrong, somehow.  One of these days, I’m definitely going to learn how to read.”

But Serena finds her outside.  Uh-oh!  Busted!

Thinking fast, faux-Charlie explains that she overheard Serena talking to her mother, and doesn’t want to be any trouble for the VDW’s.  “I just feel like I don’t belong here,” faux Charlie pouts.  (Gee, faux-Charlie, I wonder why that is .  . . could it possibly be because you DON’T?)   Eventually, Serena relents giving faux-Charlie a hug, as she enters the cab.  But then a mischievious glint enters her eyes, and we just KNOW she is up to something.  “Before you go, just do me a favor and return these Tickets for a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Event for me,” Serena says, more or less.

“SUCKER!”

Undoubtedly, feeling a bit guilty for all she has put Serena through, since last season, Faux-Charlie agrees to run this errand for her.

Who knew Serena knew how to be devious?  I always thought that was more Blair’s and Chuck’s forte?

When faux Charlie arrives at the fashion event, she quickly learns that Serena has arranged for HER to walk the runway in Serena’s place, despite the fact that Charlie is about a FOOT shorter than Serena, and could never, ever, EVER fit into her dress.  On the dress Charlie is supposed to wear is a note that she should “live out her dreams.”

“Would you like some wine with that cheesiness?” 

While preparing to walk the runway, faux-Charlie has an encounter with Blair, who, upon hearing that faux-Charlie is planning to leave, tells her that she should live the life that she wants.

“Yes, Faux-Charlie, live the life that you want, even if it just happens to be someone else’s life.  I don’t about you, but I’ve always found identity theft to be SUPER inspiring . . .”

Little does Blair know that her small words of encouragement give birth to a monster.  When Carol Rhodes arrives at the fashion event to chase faux-Charlie out of town (She was alerted to faux-Charlie’s deeds, upon finding her canceled check, from last week’s episode), Faux Charlie threatens HER, claiming that if she doesn’t let her assume Charlie’s life, Faux-Charlie will reveal all of Carol Rhodes’ monkey getting schemes, and bring HER down, right along with her.  “This family that you HATE, has been kinder to me than my real family ever was,” Faux Charlie insists.

“You mean, you actually have a family?  This whole time I thought you were raised by Keebler Elves.”

Toward the end of the episode, Charlie moves back into the VDW house, with a newly non-house arrested Lily and Rufus.  Her and Carol share a cold hug, on Carol’s way out, “You are on your own now,” Carol tells her ominously.

 . . . errr . . . I mean . . . my Charlie . . . oh . . . I mean . . . my Ivy, or whatever the f*&k you’re calling yourself these days . . .

Good luck, Faux Charlie!  Something tells me you are going to need it, if you want to keep up this charade for the foreseeable future . . .

Speaking of those who aren’t sufficiently devious (or smart) . . .

Journalism for Dummies (like Nate)

“I liked you so much better, when I was banging you in my front yard.”

Today is Nate’s first day on the job as a “serious journalist.”  Poor Naive Nate.  He genuinely believes that Diana has hired him for his brains, and not for his . . . hot dog.

Chuck, of course, warns him of this, but he refuses to listen to reason.  But then, when he arrives at the office, of course, Diana pulls him into her office, and starts to ravage him.  Nate argues that this will not set a good impression on his co-workers, if the INTERN is having sex with the boss on the first day, as if he is her male prostitute.  Diana agrees.  So, she FIRES them!

“Sorry, average-looking people, you’re simply not attractive enough to be extas on this show.”

“Due to a recent botox injection, opening my mouth wide like this, is the only way I can show you I’m happy.”

Now, Nate is furious.  It’s finally dawning on him why he was hired to take this job.  He threatens to leave Diana’s internship for another one.  So, Diana thinks fast, and offers him a “reporting gig.”  The assignment is so ridiculous, the fact that it didn’t set off warning bells in Nate’s head immediately  illustrates that he might very well be learning disabled.  Nate’s “job” was to interview a senator and his snooty wife, NOT on the senator’s politics, but on his vacation to the Greek Isles.

“And if you REALLY want to see him squirm, ask him about his favorite color.” 

Of course, the minute Nate asks about said Isles, it clues the Senator’s wife in to the fact that he is having an affair.   (Don’t ask me how.  Just go with it.)  The wife storms off, telling the Senator she wants a divorce.  And when Nate apologizes to the Senator, the latter says in a huff, “I thought you were the NICE one in the family.”

(Oh, but he IS the NICE One Senator!  Unfortunately, he’s also the MORONIC ONE!)

Just be thankful you’re so pretty . . . 

Now, Nate’s pissed at Diana AGAIN for being used as a pawn in her little game.  As it turns out, Diana had arranged for everyone at this party to have their cell phones turned in.  She did this so that she could get the Senator’s cell phone, which confirmed information about the affair.  As it turns out, Diana doesn’t wish to make the Spectator into a “serious journalism” publication at all.  Rather, she wants to make it a tabloid about the New York elite, by using the type of tactics that got News of the World shut down.

You know what that means, of course.  Girlfriend is stomping on Gossip Girl’s toes .  . . and getting PAID to do it.  When Nate unwittingly suggests that Diana check ALL the cell phones taken at the party for a scoop, Diana thinks its a brilliant idea.   Of course, she makes NATE do all the dirty work, as her sole, unpaid, employee.

“OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . so, now, I’m not getting laid . . . OR getting paid?  What a crock!”

Nate considers the moral implications of this for about two seconds, before robotically doing Diana’s bidding.

“I know my dignity is in here somewhere . . .”

He gets a few human points back for not hijacking his friend’s phones: Chuck, Dan, Blair and Serena.  However, the information Diana is able to mine off the cell phones he DID nab is enough for a BOOK . . . or at least a few issues of a trashy magazine.

One of the cell phone’s he DOES find is Faux-Charlie’s.  Something tells me, Diana is going to find some VERY interesting stuff on THAT phone . . .

A Fashion “Don’t”

Oooh . . . do I smell another love triangle? 

It isn’t a real Gossip Girl party without a humiliating cat fight, amongst our Upper East Siders.  In a throwback to their quarrelsome internship days, this little wrestling session took place between Dan and Blair.  It all started when Blair decided to ignore the results of her paternity test, and walk the runway.  Dan wasn’t having that at all!

“Dair” to be a pest. 

So, in a surprisingly bold (and definitely weird) moment, DAN pushes away celebrity Simon Noonan, and escorts Blair down the catwalk. Apparently, Dorota has taped up the paternity test from Blair’s trash (where, rumor has it her pee-covered pregnancy test is still sitting, and given it to Dan.  (CREEPY!)

I hope you wore gloves, Dorota . . . 

Dan keeps trying to stick the letter on Blair . . . under her armpit, down her dress, anywhere that will force her to read it.  It’s a well-meaning gesture, I guess.  But also immature . . . and weird.  I mean, this takes being a supportive friend to a whole new level, doesn’t it.

A furious, and determined Blair, end up pushing Dan HARD into a nearby waiter, causing glasses and plates to fly everywhere.  Nice going, Dan the Flying Donut!

“Don’t worry.  I’m OK, I just felt like doing a little dance for you, called The Worm.” 

Later, Blair and Dan share a sweet apology outside the party.  Dan admits that he’s been WAY too involved in Blair’ test result, because he has been using them to try to avoid focusing on his OWN issues relating to the unwelcome publication of his novel.  Blair admits to the fact that she came to Dan in the first place, because she knew he would help her to combat her darkest instincts.  Dan finally gives Blair the paternity test letter and leaves her to her own private HELL.

“You DO realize this is the second time you’ve tackled me at public event, don’t you?   Around Brookyln, we call that foreplay.”

We see her open it, and (maybe) look at the results.  So, tell us Blair . . . WHO’S THE DADDY?

“Umm . . . Dan?  I think you gave me the wrong letter.  This one says I may have just won one million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing House.” 

From The Inside Out . . .

“OK, Famous Author Person . . . I need you honest opinion on something.  Do you really think I look like a muppet?” 

Thanks to Chuck “taking one for the team” by having mediocre sex with some VERY LUCKY publisher’s assistant, Dan now knows Simon & Schuester is the lucky publishing company that has nabbed his book, appropriately entitled “The Inside” (sounds vaguely dirty).  Now,  all he has to do is stop the proverbial presses.  Dan decides to do this by stopping by his old pal and mentor Noah Shapiro to ask him for a favor.  (Have you ever noticed how many curmudgeony, over 50 writer friends Dan has collected, over the course of five seasons?  I can’t even keep track.  They all look and act, exactly the same.

Chuck hilariously offers to lend Dan knee pads for his plea and grovel affair, which gives the meeting itself homoerotic undertones, that are perhaps unintended.  Dan explains his plight to Noah.  And Noah, in turn, gives him advice that would be solid and reliable, if Dan were anything but a character on Gossip Girl.  “You want my advice . . . the easiest way to let a book to die, is let it be published.  Have you seen the Bestseller’s list lately?  In a month, you’re book will be half off, in a bargain bin,” he says, more or less.

I’m pretty sure this is EXACTLY what Dan Humphrey will look like in about 40 years . . . It’s almost as if he’s talking to himself . . . FROM THE FUTURE!

(Of course, we know that while this would probably be the case with ANY OTHER BOOK written by an anonymous college student, it will NOT be so, with Dan, because that would make for an incredibly lame storyline.  Nevertheles, Dan seems comforted by Noah’s assurances, and leaves with some weight lifted off his shoulders.)

If this were a “Nate” storyline, instead of a “Dan” one, these two would have (1) already had sex, (2) already started dating, and (3) she would already have a DEEP DARK SECRET she was hiding from him.  Instead, I doubt we’ll ever see this woman again.  Sucks for her.

But the next day, Dan return to Noah’s office and learns from his assistant that NOAH is coming forward as if HE wrote “The Inside.”  Dan is livid, but conflicted.  On one hand, this would get him off the hook with his friends and the new object of his affection.  On the other hand, this IS his first published novel, so . . . NO FAIR!  Dan, of course, turns to his new bromantic buddy Chuck for advice.  And Chuck basically tells him to “poo or get off the pot,” as far as this novel is concerned.

So, Dan manages to get some balls, and decides to poo.  By this, I mean he tracks down Noah at dinner with “friends,” and publicly announces that HE, not Noah, wrote “The Inside.”  Suddenly, the whole table is clapping, including Noah.  It turns out the whole thing was a set up to get Dan to come clean about his authorhip of the book, which had been published anonymously.  Noah then invites Dan to sit down and meet his entire publishing and marketing team.  That’s right . . . because major publishers and agents ALWAYS spend this much time and energy on anonymous first-time novelists.  I guess we are just supposed to believe the book is “SOOO GOOD,” that it merits all this fuss . . .

“Yes!  I’m totally going to be the next Stephenie Meyer . . . except not Mormon . . . and not . . . you know . . . a woman.” 

I’ll believe it when I see it  .. .

When Dan arrives home, he is greeted with a copy of his book (the cover of which, looks suspiciously similar to that of the first Gossip Girl book – how meta), even though it seems as though it was just picked up for publication, at most, a couple of months ago.  (These sort of things typically take at least a year from publication agreement to ACTUAL publication, particularly for an unknown writer.  But like I said . . . Dan is just SOOOO GOOD.

And next week, based on the promos, it seems we will get to find out just HOW good he is . . .  You better not let me down, Humphrey Dumpty. 🙂

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . .  .

And the Daddy Is . . .

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Blair visits CHUCK’S APARTMENT!  When he first turns around to see her standing there, he blinks twice, as if he thinks it must be a dream.  Blair is clearly effected by the reunion as well, as she stands stock still in the doorway, shaking, her eyes just minutes away from overflowing with tears.  “I need to talk to you,” she says, shaking her head, as if to give herself the courage she needs to do what she needs to do.  An unprepared Chuck even wonders out loud whether this is a ploy by Dan to get Chuck to “feel” something.  (If so, that would be a mighty mean ploy.)

Blair doesn’t beat around the bush.  She tells Chuck that she’s pregnant, and pauses, while she lets that piece of information sink in.  Chuck tries to be non reactive, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who caught a glimpse of hope, and adoration in his eyes,  as he attempts to work out the math in his head.  But then Blair says it’s Louis-Bot’s (NOOO, IT’ CAN’T BE!  CAN IT?  SURELY, SHE’S LYING!),  and Chuck quickly masks his heartbreak as seamlessly as he can.  We see him look away for a second, eyes shut tight, before he turns back to Blair again.

He hopes to appear cold and aloof, but GG fans know he is brimming with emotion, and Blair can feel it, as well.  Chuck notes that Blair must be relieved that the baby is not his, because THAT would have derailed her Princess fairytale.  Blair flinches a bit at this, noting that this fairytale is more complicated than it would first appear.

Cue Monkey, Chuck’s new dog to come nipping at Blair’s feet.  Already, I’m loving Monkey.  He’s an awesome wingman.  it’s as if he knows instinctively that Blair read that blast on Gossip Girl about Chuck returning him to the pound, and wants her to know that Chuck DOES have love in his heart, for animals, and, yes, for little tiny humans, as well.  Blair kneels down to pet Monkey, as she asks Chuck about the Gossip Girl blast.  “I took him to get fixed.  I figured it was the responsible thing to do  kind of like, you know, wearing a condom, before you have sex at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah.  Blair winces at this, message sent and received.

But if the encounter between Chuck and Blair has turned a bit sour, Blair brings it back to sweet, with this line, “You know, there was a part of me that wished it was yours.”

Chuck blinks at this, as if to say, “a part of me wishes it was mine as well.”  When Blair tells Chuck that she should leave, Chuck agrees, but only because he seems about ready to burst, and doesn’t want Blair to see him breakdown.  The entire encounter is truly heartbreaking.  And yet, it is nothing compared to final scene, which I will get to, in just a bit.  You can rewatch the ENTIRE Chuck / Blair encounter, by clicking below (provided this video doesn’t get snatched from YouTube, before you have a chance to watch):

Later, we see Blair sharing the good (but possibly false) news with Louis-bot.  The Prince of Monaco is overjoyed at the prospect of being a father (though the computer chip in the back of his brain prevents him from showing any more than a modicum of emotion).  Blair, of course, then asks him about his interview with Hello Magazine, in which he said he didn’t want kids for a long time.  And Louis replies, very smoothly, I might add that Louis only said this to prevent the press from hounding Blair about starting a family before she was ready.

Just nod and smile, Louis-bot . . . You don’t really have to understand what she’s saying . . . 

Blair is clearly touched by Louis-bot’s sensitivity to her needs, and gives him a big ole hug.  But then, when he leaves, she stupidly shoves the paternity test results in her drawer, as opposed to shredding them, or throwing them away.

Whether or not the results actually CONFIRM Louis-bot as the father, the fact that Blair has so poorly hidden her paternity test makes me feel as though part of her is subconsciously trying to sabotage her so-called fairytale, by increasing the odds that Louis-bot will find the test results.  Even if they do confirm that he’s the father, the test results will undoubtedly show Louis-bot that the baby’s paternity was doubted.  And if they confirm that Chuck is the father, well . . .

Speaking of Chuck, remember how I said that the last scene of the episode, was by far the most heartbreaking.  Well, it involves Chuck, lying in bed, finally able to feel the wounds he sustained in his chest, as a result of the motorcycle accident.  He clutches his side, as tears roll down his cheeks, emphasizing that the realization that he may have lost Blair forever has cured his aversion disorder.  But more than anything, Chuck’s heart hurts, and he’s holding that for dear life.

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That’s when Monkey, Chuck’s new best friend and ultimate wingman, sweetly hops up on the bed to comfort Chuck.  First, he rests his head on Chuck’s stomach.  But then, seeing that this is not enough to staunch his new master’s pain, he places his head on Chuck’s chest, as Chuck holds his new pet close, kisses him on the forehead, and finds himself finally able to cry in earnest for the one true love of his life . . .

Grab your Kleenex, because I’ve provided you a link to what is surely going to go down in history, as one of GG’s most memorable and heartbreakingly beautiful scenes, right here:

And that’s all she wrote GG fans.  But if you want to get a peak at what HE wrote, check out this promo for next week’s GG installment, entitled, “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan,” here:

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  And please, while you wait, whatever you do, don’t spank your Monkey!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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L’eggo My Eggo (I’m Preggo!) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Beauty and the Feast”

BLAIR: “Pull my finger.”

DOROTA: “Just because you are ‘with child,’ doesn’t mean you have to act like one, Miss Blair.”

BLAIR: *pouts*

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  I don’t know about you, but I learned A LOT from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl . . . Let’s see, I learned about a  “disease” called “conversion disorder,” which apparently makes you jump from rooftops, crash motorcycles, and pay guys to beat you up.

In other words, it turns you into Bella Swan, circa New Moon 

I learned that there are actually people who are more than willing to beat you up for cash (it’s a recession economy, after all).  And I learned the difference between bulimic puking and pregnancy puking.  And you just never know when these things are going to come in handy!

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Thanks Gossip Girl!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Friends don’t let friends . . . have tender boobs.

“Is this going to involve us getting into stirrups?  Because my Brazilian Wax isn’t until next week. . .” 

Your first gynecological pregnancy check-up . . . it’s a Right of Passage . . . or at least, that’s what I’m told.  As such, many women prefer not to experience it alone.  Some drag their husbands along, others their friends, still others, their mothers.  Dorota brings her boss, which is probably why she felt obligated to wear her uniform to the checkup, complete with that weird doily thing she always wears on her head.

“Is that my sanitary napkin on your head?” 

(Seriously, what IS that?  And what sort of function does it have in the complex world of housekeeping?  I mean, it’s not large enough to be a hairnet, and not circular enough to be a scrunchie.  So, what does it DO for Dorota, aside from make her look ridiculous cute.  Inquiring minds want to know . . .)

“Have you reviewed this doctor’s credentials, Dorota?  Because I’m pretty sure I saw him recently on an episode of Law and Order, SVU.” 

When the doctor arrives, Blair peppers the poor schlub with TONS of icky personal questions about “Dorota’s” pregnancy symptoms, including, but not limited to, her breast tenderness (gag), her morning sickness (double gag), her sensitivity to smells (ick), and her fatigue . . . (Well, OK, I can live with that).  Of course, it’s not until Blair inquires about how long “Dorota” must wait to be able to determine the father of her baby, that both the housekeeper and the doctor, become suspicious.

“Actually, I am not suspicious.  This is just my usual facial expression.” 

The doctor got so suspicious in fact, that he LEFT, instructing Dorota to come back another time, ALONE.  (Really, Doctor?  You got scared off by someone asking you a couple of sensitive questions?  Talk about a lack of bedside manner!   Perhaps, you received your medical degree online?)

Since the happily married Dorota is damn near certain about the paternity of her baby (Then again, you never know with those saucy Russian Maids Perpetually Dressed in French Maid Halloween Costumes), she puts two and two together, and figures out that her little Blair-ipoo is, in fact, with child.

Yeah . . . I just really love this GIF. 

Dorota is THRILLED by the prospect of being able to share the “wonders of pregnancy” with her boss / friend / surrogate daughter.  “We are like sisters now,” she exclaims, downgrading that to cousins, upon noticing Blair’s horrified response.

“Right . . . sisters . . . like I would really be related to someone who willingly wears toilet paper on her head.” 

Unfortunately, Blair is not exactly ready to share Dorota’s excitement about her upcoming Baby Bass bundle of joy.  For one thing, she’s neither married, nor out of college yet . . . for another . . . duh .  . . she DOESN”T KNOW WHO THE DADDY IS!  CHUCK!  CHUCK!  IT HAS TO BE CHUCK’S!

“No one must know,” Blair warns Dorota, as she makes the first of her trademark I’m Going to Hurl Faces, of which we get different variations throughout the episode.

You can practically FEEL the chunks rising.  Now THAT’s good acting! 

You know what else I loved about this scene?  The fact that the song “Pumped Up Kicks” was playing during it . . . a song that sounds all sweet and innocent, but when you listen to the lyrics is actually about a psycho kid on a killing spree.  How VERY appropriate for this “sweet” gyneological moment between a girl and her maid . . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Slutty Cougars are Better than Viagra (AND they can get you a job!)

“And if you are a really good lay, Ill take your for a Happy Meal at McDonald’s, when we’re finished.”

Ahhh  . . . Nate.  For a guy who’s had more Random Guest Star Girlfriends than any male character on the entire CW network, he SURE does fall hard and fast for the floozies, doesn’t he?  All it takes is a couple of LA sex romps with the mysterious “Diana,” and suddenly Nate can’t get it up for ANY OTHER ANONYMOUS FLOOZIES!  (Oh the horror!)

You know what they say, once you go OLD, you never go back . . . (OLD-ER!  I meant old-er, I swear!) 

This becomes immediately apparent when ONE of these random floozies dashes out of Nate’s bed, complaining about “guys on anti-depressants.”  And you know what “anti-depressants” tend to do to Mr. Happy, don’t you, boys and girls?

That’s right!

I have to say, I think Chuck had a point when he said that Nate’s apparent Mommy Issues, tend to manifest themselves in him becoming obsessed with sexual partners who are old enough to be his mother.  (Well, when you put it THAT way, it just sounds gross..)  I’m not necessarily sure this explains his tendency to date scheming stalkerish psychopaths, however.

Any thoughts?

Nate spends a good portion of this episode (as in about four-and-a-half minutes of his total eight minutes of screentime) trying to find out any information he can about his mysterious Mrs. Robinson-type.  But then, (SURPRISE!) she finds him.  No . . . really . . . I mean she stalks him all the way from LA to right in front of his mother’s doorstep, in the Upper East Side.

NATE: “Where have you been all my life?”

DIANA: “Well, around the time you were born, I was probably getting felt up behind the bar at a frat party.  After that, it’s all pretty much one big blur.”

Apparently, “Diana” has some business agenda.  She manages The Spectator,  an LA-based tabloid newspaper that she wishes to bring to the East Coast, and, for reasons I couldn’t quite comprehend, needs Nate’s mother’s approval, in order to do it.  Maybe I would have gotten more out of this particular storyline, if I wasn’t so distracted by Nate and “Diana” randomly HAVING SEX UP AGAINST THE ARCHIBALD’S OUTDOOR SECURITY GATE!!!! Way to stay classy, Professional Businesswoman Person!

This is one of those times when I kind of wish Gossip Girl was on HBO.  Because I bet Chace Crawford’s ASS (among other things) is OUTSTANDING! 

Nevertheless, Nate somehow manages to secure “Diana” his mother’s backing, by telling her what a great lay she is, perhaps.  And “Diana” returns the favor, by offering Nate an internship at her crappy tabloid professional newspaper, as opposed to the plum, GUARANTEED CAREER- MAKING internships with Goldman Sachs, etc., that were originally offered to Nate.

“I major in Cougar Studies, with a minor in Pot Brownie Baking.” 

It must be nice to think with your weiner all the time be so friggin wealthy that little things like one’s future career path mean nothing in comparison to sexual opportunities with women almost over child-bearing age.  (Because, hey, at least pregnancy isn’t as substantial a possibility? Right?  Chuck Bass, take note! ;))

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Meanwhile, on the opposite coast . . . .

“Call Me Serena, “Ivy/Charlie = The WORST Waitress, Girlfriend, Cousin, and Roommate EVER  (But at least she’s consistent!)

“I also dress like that chick from the show Blossom.”

So, here’s the thing.  I’m a little worried about Serena.  (What else is new, right?)  But wait . . .  it’s not necessarily for the reason you would expect.  On one hand, I LIKE New, Perky, Optimistic, Non-Boy Obsessed, Job-Oriented Serena.

“Holding important looking folders is a tough job, but somebody has to do it.” 

In fact, I probably like her more than I’ve liked ANY incarnation of Serena since Season 1.  It’s just that . . . I think she might suffer from a brain disorder . . .  specifically, whatever Drew Barrymore had in 50 First Dates .  .  .

Serena HAS to be suffering from some kind of selective amnesia!  How else could she exist on this show for FIVE SEASONS, and not have learned by now that you can NEVER, EVER trust the pretty Guest Star!  Heck, this isn’t even a NEW Guest Star!  “Call Me Serena” Ivy Charlie was a big ole wackadoo the FIRST TIME SHE WAS ON THE SHOW!

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 I mean, sure, chalk it up to the “lack of anti-psychotic medication.”  Tell me that she was “just playing a part for some cash.”  I DON’T CARE!  B*TCH IS OBVIOUSLY CRAZY!  She also wears weird pants.  (And not in a cute, charming or adorable way, either.  More like in a Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Octo-Mom kind of way.)  RUN SERENA!  RUN FAR AND FAST!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s start at Ivy continuing to pretend to be Serena’s cousin, while the pair, frolic around LA.  Nevermind the fact that Ivy’s adorable live-in, wanna-be chef boyfriend just followed her to LA, so she could pursue her “acting dreams,” and has no idea what a scheming little wench he is dating .  . . Nevermind the fact that Ivy left her new JOB as a waitress to play the part of the Trust Fund baby, and will now have no way of paying rent.  Just .  . . well . . . nevermind.

“You and your creepy cotton candy pants, don’t deserve me and my adorableness.” 

Things are going great for “Call Me Serena” Ivy / Charlie until Serena drops the REAL bomb on her.   She’s staying in LA . . . AND looking for an apartment  . . . AND she wants “Charlie” to live with her.

Wait . . . I’m sorry . . . but WHAT THE F*&K?  I get that she’s your relative, Serena.  And I know you feel a bit bad for her, because she didn’t grow up filthy rich like you, and has “mental problems,” but do you not remember that this is the same girl who tried to dress up like you, asked your ex-boyfriend to call her BY YOUR NAME, when he had sex with her, and pretty much went all SINGLE WHITE FEMALE ON YOUR ASS?  This is who you want to live with?  You don’t know anything about this girl, and everything that you know is BAD.

“Oh . . . well, when you put it THAT way.” 

WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU!

Now faux-Charlie (See, I can’t even decide what I’m supposed to call this girl!) REALLY has to tap dance to get out of living with Serena, because Golly GEE she ISN’T really her cousin, doesn’t really have access to the Van Der Woodsen Trust Fund, and is already living with her adorable boyfriend who, as I mentioned, knows NOTHING about this con.   So, faux-Charlie tries her best to find polite reasons why she can’t live with Serena.  But girlfriend simply REFUSES to take no for an answer.

And they think CHUCK has a Death Wish . . . 

Of course, rather than coming clean about NOT being Charlie, faux-Charlie ends up getting dragged into going apartment hunting with Serena.  What’s worse, so as not to hurt Serena’s feelings, and make her think she doesn’t want to be her roommate, faux-Charlie ends up giving the realtor one of “Charlie’s” checks to help cover the downpayment.  (Who knew con-artists were so sensitive to other’s fragile egos?)

Now thoroughly freaked out, faux-Charlie quickly calls the realtor to get back the check, only to learn that it was bad (SURPRISE), and that it was returned to Serena.  (Yeah, because that’s what realtors do when you write bad checks, give them to YOUR FRIENDS, instead of YOU!)

Logical explanations aside, faux-Charlie is SO busted!  At least, that’s what she thinks, which is why she runs to her poor sweet schlub of a boyfriend (his name is Max, by the way), and tells him she is SO done chasing after HER dreams (after two weeks).  It’s high time they started chasing after HIS dreams for a change . . . FAR AWAY in Portland.

“Wait . . . this means I don’t get any more screentime, doesn’t it?  YOU B*TCH!” 

“Max” seems confused by faux-Charlie’s sudden change of heart, but readily agrees to move to Portland, probably because he is SO whipped you can practically see the rope marks on his body through his clothing.  Max then promptly quits his new restaurant job, so that he can start packing.  (You’ve really gotta love the tremendous work ethic these two have!)

Now, faux-Charlie is relieved because she’s actually dumb enough to think that she can run away, without the girl she just screwed over for cash on an apartment, will not realize that she left.  (Then again, given Serena’s obvious amnesia issues, this is actually a distinct possibility.)  But alas, Serena now KNOWS where she lives.  And worse, she is waiting outside her apartment to utter the oh so cliched, pre-commercial break line, “I know what’s going on here.”  (Or something like that . . .)

*insert dramatic music here*  (By the way, is Serena wearing SHOULDER PADS?) 

Of course, us veteran TV watchers know this as code for, “I am COMPLETELY off base as to what is actually going on here.  But I want to make you worry about what I know, throughout the commercial break . . .

Back from commerical break, we finally find out what Serena thinks she knows.  And believe it or not, it’s actually a lot more plausible than the REAL reason faux-Charlie’s check bounced.  Serena thinks her “Charlie’s” mom cut her off from her trust fund for moving to LA.  And so she promises to get faux-Charlie cut back ON.  (Is that a real phrase?  NO?  Well, you get what I mean . . .)  Then, she reiterates her NEED for faux-Charlie to become her roommate.  (Clingy much, S?)

“Can you blame me?  I haven’t had a boyfriend in TWO WHOLE EPISODES?  This is TORTURE!” 

But this was the part that really dusted my doileys!  Faux-Charlie DUMPED her REAL boyfriend to STAY with SERENA, and continue to be her FAKE cousin.  She told him she didn’t love him any more, and sent him packing to Portland ALONE.  I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for people like that . . .

Oh, and get this, after all that, Serena decided SHE’S NOT STAYING IN LA.  Her production assistant job is being moved . . . you guessed it . . . back to New York!   (SURPRISE!)  And now she wants faux-Charlie to come with her?  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t faux-Charlie claim to be leaving New York because the Upper East Side was what made her fall off her meds in the first place?  (See what I mean, about Serena and her amnesia?)

And, really, how needy are you, that you ask somebody you barely know to travel across the coast to LIVE WITH YOU?  But, of course, faux-Charlie says yes.  Because . . . you know . . . this is Gossip Girl, where everybody does strange and inexplicable things sometimes lives for the moment, and flies by the seat of their pants.  So, faux-Charlie hops in the limo with Serena, and they ride off toward good ole Manhattan, where they will undoubtedly live happily ever after . . . at least until next week’s episode.

Speaking of phony relatives . . . Louis-Bot has a relative who’s a BIG phony.  And (SURPRISE!) she has it in for Blair .  . .

An Entire Plotline Focused on Blair’s VOMIT?  Well, this is NEW!

“If I don’t watch my step, I’ll be forever remembered by the Good People of Monaco as Princess Pukey.” 

You know what I really liked about this storyline?  How real it was .  . .

Of course, I’m not talking about the moving of the Assumption Feast, or the whole prince thing, or really anything about this plotline except for Blair’s morning sickness.  It is so rare that we actually get to see our Non Judging Breakfast Club members (at least the female contingent) of them, when they are not at their best (well .   . . we see them drunk sometimes, but, other than that).

Personally, I thought it was refreshing that Blair looked a bit tired and disheveled throughout the episode.  I like that she made puke faces, any time anybody or anything smelly got anywhere near her.  Because, from what I’ve been told, that’s what women in the early stage of their pregnancy are like!  And as prim, proper, and often perfect Blair may appear, she is, after all, only human (as evidenced by the fact that she’s not entirely certain of the paternity of her baby).

This story begins with Louis-Bot informing Blair that she gets to meet yet another one of his oh-so-charming royal relatives.   This one’s name is Beatrice.  And though she looks about the right age to be Louis-Bot’s sister, she’s actually his aunt.  *cough Change of Life Baby cough*  At first, Beatrice seems nice enough.  She’s way more laid back than the stodgy Princess Sophie, and she has a much wider range of voice inflections than Louis Bot.  Her worst offense seems to be that she wears too much perfume, which, like everything else in the episode, makes Blair want to hurl.

Would you please get that weiner-looking thing out of my face.  THAT’S what got me into this mess in the first place!” 

As nice as she seems, Blair is VERY eager to get rid of Beatrice, and ship her and Louis Bot off to the Feast of Assumption by plane, so that she can get some much needed Pregnant Lady R&R.  But Beatrice insists on spending the day with Blair, during which she regales her with how AWFUL being reigning princess will be for Blair, because she will have to wear lame, non-skin showing outfits.  Beatrice of course, though second in line for the throne, has no interest in doing such things, no SIR . . .

But the “kindly” Beatrice begins to become suspicious of Blair when she repeatedly gags at the food Beatrice shoves in her face every five seconds. And, despite being in the middle of NYC, where it is almost impossible to find a place that will let you use the bathroom without buying something first, Blair makes roughly twenty trips to the potty in a single afternoon!

Just like Serena, Beatrice comes to the immediate WRONG conclusion about Blair’s bizarre behavior.  She confronts Dorota and basically accuses Blair of being on drugs.  Dorota denies this, but, of course, doesn’t want to tell Beatrice what is actually wrong with Blair.  (A good maid never reveals her boss’ secrets, after all).  And so, when Beatrice suggests bulimia, Dorota sort-of agrees, since, it seems the lesser of two evils, and is not entirely untrue.  After all, Blair WAS bulimic . . . back in Season 1.

“How did you know?  Are you bulimic too?  Perhaps, we can throw some Big Bulimia Party!  No?” 

Upon hearing this news  scheming wench concerned sister Beatrice calls Louis-Bot for an impromptu meeting.  She tells her nephew that Bulimic Blair just isn’t ready for the pressures of being princess.   But Loyal Louis-Boy will not believe it.   So, Beatrice decides to prove it to him, by miraculously moving the Feast of Assumption to NYC (Get it?  Miraculously), and spending the entire feast .  . . you guessed it . . . trying to make Blair vomit again . . .

What is our Blair-Bear to do?  She decides to pray to the Virgin Mary.

“Can I ask you something?  Where did you get your outfit?  Because it’s really cute!”

And, hallelujah, her prayers are answered . . . well . . . sort of . . .

Dan’s Got a Plan, Blair’s Got a Secret, and Chuck’s . . . Joined a Fight Club?

Back in non-royal ville, Dan the Donut (who I will refrain from calling The Donut this week, because he did some nice things for both Blair and Chuck . . . things that I suspect, will start them on the path toward their inevitable reunion) is STILL trying to figure out what publishing company That Annoying Wench Who Shall Not Be Named Manessa got to publish his book.

“Actually, I’m just pretending to figure out who published my book.   I’m really just surfing the net for porn.  Shhhh!  Don’t tell Gossip Girl anybody!” 

He decides that the best way to do this is to trace the check said wench sent him as an advance.  But Dan the Donut has NO skills in the art of computer hacking or bank breaking, he decides to turn to the one person with the ability to do ALL OF THOSE THINGS . . . the man . . . the myth . . . the legend . . . CHUCK BASS!

Dan uses Gossip Girl to track Chuck’s head (no literally, Gossip Girl uses a picture of a Giant Chuck Bass Head to signify his whereabouts).  But when Dan finds him, these two hooligans are KICKING LOVERBOY’S ASS.

*insert homoerotic joke here* 

So, Dan rushes to Chuck’s rescue, and .  . . is completely unsuccessful in helping.  In fact, he gets PUNCHED IN THE FACE!  The two men rush off, and Chuck DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

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But Dan, while ogling Chuck’s awesome abs notices that nasty gash Chuck got on his stomach from his motorcycle wipeout . . .

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*whistles appreciatively*

 . . .  and  insists he see a doctor.   Chuck boredly complies with this request.  As for the doctor, he says Chuck’s wounds are “bordering on serious.”  He’s more concerned with the fact that Chuck claimed not to physically FEEL anything when the wound was touched.

“Hey, look!  It’s Doctor House . . . calls.” 

So,  now everyone assumes that Chuck is numbed out on drugs . . . just like Beatrice thought about Blair.  Coincidence?  I think not . . .

Dan, being the good After School Special Star that he is, confronts Chuck AGAIN in his bedroom, to tell him to “Just say no to drugs.”

“Unlike Serena, when I rejected you, I meant it,” replies Chuck smugly.  (Ooh, look at Chuck with all these slamming Darena zingers!)

Dan figures out, quite correctly that Blair is the cause of Chuck’s rash behavior.  In fact, he pretty much accuses Chuck of being Bella Swan in New Moon, a.k.a. trying to get himself killed so that Blair will return to his side.  Ouch!  Then, to add insult to injury, Shrink Dan decides to REALLY send Chuck off the deep end, by telling the poor guy that HE, Dan Humpty Dumpty Humphrey (See, I’m trying, I really am!) kissed Blair last, pre-Louis-Bot.

Now, I know this was supposedly just some well-intentioned tough love on Dan’s part.  But, honestly, did anybody else think that Dan was using this as an opportunity to stick his tongue out and go “Nah-nah, nah-nah boo, boo” in the emotionally-damaged Chuck’s face.

Fortunately, Chuck had the comeback to END ALL COMEBACKS to this remark.  “The last person she was with was me.  And I’m talking full carnal knowledge.  Did that hurt?  I wish I could feel it.”

Ooohh!  BUUUURN!  I love it!

It’s time for Dan to stalk Blair now.  But since he’s coming to tell her to help out Chuck, I can’t fault him too much for his decision.  What I can fault him for is his outfit.  SERIOUSLY?  A t-shirt and jeans to the Feast of Assumption?  You couldn’t at least put on a pair of khaki’s or something . . .

Religious Festival Attendance FAIL! 

Anywhoo, Dan arrives at the perfect moment to rescue Blair from the puke-making Beatrice.  She drags Dan into the Little Girls Room,  (I will not make the obvious joke . . . I will not make the obvious joke . . .  I will not make the . . .) where he feels right at home.  (DOH!  I  guess I made the obvious joke.).  Blair seems to have forgiven Dan fairly quickly for his most recent transgression of plotting to get her to escape her upcoming not going to last anyway nuptials, and f*&k him in the Hamptons.  Then again, maybe she’s just too nauseous to push him away.

Dan successfully manages to plant the seed in Blair’s head that Chuck is going TOTALLY BATTY without her, and needs her help, before she rushes into the nearest stall and starts blowing chunks.  While Dan doesn’t get the full credit he would have received for holding Blair’s hair back Chuck definitely seems like a holding hair back kind of guy, don’t you think? while she prayed to the porcelain god (Man, my euphemisms for vomiting sure are in full force this week, aren’t they?), he does get partial credit, for running the water in the faucet to drown out those pesky retching noises, and for not crinkling his nose to much at the inevitable foul smell.

“I can sing too, if you’d like?” 

Enter that b*tch Beatrice.  Dan tells her that Blair is sick, and she offers to go “fetch” Louis.  But, instead, of course, she stays to overhear Dan accuse Blair of being bulimic again, and demand that she gets help.  To this, Blair replies in frustration, “I’m not bulimic, I’m pregnant.”

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Of course, Beatrice heard THAT too.  And just when we THINK she’s going to tell Louis, she surprisingly DOESN’T.  What she does do, is claim that Blair had this “great idea” to dine with smelly homeless people at the Feast of Assumption, as a way of giving back to the community.  Man, that Beatrice, she is REALLY good at inducing vomiting.  She’s like the human version of Ipecac!

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!” 

Cue the blast from Gossip Girl that Chuck is getting his butt beat again.  And cue Super Man Dan’s exit to make another rescue!  (Hes a busy little bee, this week, isn’t he?)

“Ta-da!”

When Dan arrives to see Chuck getting beaten by the SAME guys who beat him last time, he finally figures out that Chuck PAID them to do this.  Backed into a corner, both literally and figuratively, Chuck explains the real reason behind this one-sided fight club.  Ever since he lost Blair, he has found himself frighteningly unable to feel.  So, basically, the reason he keeps putting himself in dangerous situations is that he hopes to experience pain.  “Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?”  Chuck asks, morosely.

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How about you try to feel good things?”  Dan suggests.  “I could tickle you!”

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(WOW .  . . just wow . . . and the gay porno version of Gossip Girl would start right there.)

Most of us, had kind of assumed that Chuck wasn’t as well-adjusted and coping with Blair’s loss, as he might have seemed last week.  But hearing Chuck admit this is still extremely sad.  Back at his bachelor pad, Chuck graciously asks the REAL reason Dan has been stalking him all episode.  Dan admits that his book contains some SCATHING commentary on all his “friends,” including Chuck.  And, if it’s published, a lot of people will get their feelings hurt.

“Oops,  I should really learn to keep a lock on my diary.”

According to shrink Dan, Chuck is suffering from conversion disorder, a psycho somatic illness that removes the feeling from limbs, as a result of the experience of a traumatic event . . . an event like the VERY TEMPORARY loss of a soulmate . . .  ( What’s the cure, you ask?  LOTS OF SEX WITH SAID SOULMATE, Dr. TV Recappers says . . .)

“Ahhh, Charlie Trout returns,” Chuck replies, cleverly recalling Dan’s OTHER scathing essay, about Chuck and his dad, which Dan used to impress a teacher, at Chuck’s expense.

You know, it just occurred to me that Dan is forever exploiting satirizing his pals to further his writing career.  Think about it . . . his story that was published in the New Yorker was about Serena.  He’s already written about Chuck.  And THIS story is about the ENTIRE Non Judging Breakfast Club.  Given Dan’s obvious penchant for gossip about rich kids, and “based on true events” stories, wouldn’t it just be HILARIOUS if Dan ended up being Gossip Girl?

I know he isn’t.  But I still think it would be funny .  . .

Ultimately, Chuck agrees to help Dan with his little scheme to get back that EVIL book.  And, like that, the Chan Bromance is reborn . . .

Meanwhile, Beatrice is in a limo with the PRIEST from the Feast of Assumption.  To him she reveals her desire to usurp the throne from Louis, by bringing down Blair.  Is this confession?  You might be asking yourself.  NO, believe it or not, it’s actually SEX . . .

That is so wrong on so many levels.

The episode ends with Blair finding her way back to Brooklyn, and the comfort of an old friend.  She tells Dan everything she’s been keeping locked up inside herself for such a long time now . . . like how she had sex with Chuck once, but Louis-Bot many times.  Apparently, according to Blair, he’s “surprisingly virile.”  I didn’t know robots could copulate?   Who knew?

You totally paid the writers to put that part about you being virile in the script, didn’t you?

And even though Blair is not yet certain who the father of her child is, she knows that it was conceived out of love, and therefore wants to keep it.

Ahhh, memories! 

  Honestly, I’m still skeptical as to whether Blair loves Louis-Bot, especially considerng she went back to him, more or less, as a consulation prize, after Chuck gave her up for the greater good.

But for now, I will give her the benefit of the doubt.  (OK . . . maybe I won’t.)  Of course, Blair’s life will be much easier if the baby is Louis-Bots, as it will leave her with much less explaining to do.   And yet, she is conflicted, scared, and petrified of losing everything.

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You’ve really gotta hand it to Dan.  And this is coming from someone who isn’t usually his biggest fan.  Given how clearly head over heels he is in love with her, it couldn’t have been easy for him to endure her graphic description of Louis’ virility, or of her sex with Chuck, or of her love for both men, and not him .  . . not in that way, at least.  And yet, the used-to-be extremely judgy Dan takes the fragile Blair in his arms, and convinces her to find out the baby’s paternity.

“What if I lose everything?” She asks tearfully.

“You’ll still have me,” he replies, as the episode draws to a close.

Well . .  now, that’s nice . . . sweet even.  (See?  I can behave!)  🙂

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Beautiful and Damned (and Pregnant) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season 5 Premiere “Yes, Then Zero”

NATE: “It’s Season 5, folks.  You know what that means . . . we get to have five times more sex than we had in Season 1.  CHEERS!” 

CHUCK: “I’ll drink to that!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Man, have I missed you!   It’s been a long, hot and lonely summer without my Non-Judging Breakfast Club .
. . and Dan.

A lot has changed, since we last saw one another.  There are new zip codes to explore.  New opportunities to enjoy . . . and destroy.  New romances are on the horizon.  And SOMEONE might just have a bun in her well-dressed, upper-crust, oven.

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 So, pop the cork on that champagne (unless you happen to be with child, of course), sit back in that sun chair, and just say “yes,” to a GG premiere filled with excess, intrigue, CHAIR SEX and expanding waistlines galore . . .

“Whatchu talkin about Recapper?  There will be NO expanding waistlines!” 

(Oh, and special thanks to the awesome damnthatmotherchuckerr tumblr for most of the fabulous gifs you see here!

Serena van der Woodsen – Working Girl?

Ummm . . . not THAT kind of work, Serena.

We open up on a black-and-white montage, in which a girl in a flapper type dress, dances over to a dapper dude in a period-suit.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh please lord, do not let this be another one of Blair’s annoying Classic Movie Dream Sequences.”  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), it’s not.  The scene comes from an ACTUAL movie entitled “The Beautiful and Damned” (based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald book of the same name), which has apparently been filming in LA all summer in GG world, and on which Serena has worked as Assistant-to-the-Assistant-Producer . . . Otherwise Known as “Coffee Girl.”

*insert Mary Tyler Moore Show theme music here* 

It’s kind of refreshing to see the Non-Judging Breakfast Club’s second laziest member (I’m looking at YOU Nate), you know WORKING.  (Well, we don’t actually get to SEE her work.  But she does a very good job of pretending that she is, by tiptoeing around other people who are working, while carrying around thick stacks of paper, and lattes.)  I would have thought for sure, our blonde ne’er do well would have already started sleeping with the director, or lead actor, by now, and lounging around set, dressed in nothing but her new lover’s t-shirt, and a thong.

(This reminds me, remember those two episodes a couple of Seasons ago, when Serena was all gung ho about having a career in Public Relations?  Good times!)

The LA sun has clearly been kind to Serena,  who’s got a great tan, and a surprisingly great attitude to match.  It’s the first time in a long time we’ve seen Serena, when she’s NOT whining over some relationship crisis, or pouting over some friend or another’s betrayal, our shouting at her mother for some unknown, amorphous reason.  Heck Serena even withstands some tough and belittling talk from her doucheface boss, who, though not much older than her, seems to be the first male character on this show (save for Chuck Bass) who seems unnaturally immune to Serena’s charms.

He must be gay!

In fact, if anything, he seems threatened by her potential to best him at his own job!

“Don’t let my angelface fool you.   I’m a TOTAL asshat!” 

SERIOUSLY?  Serena van der Woodsen the Corporate Ladder Climber?  Is this supposed to be some parallel universe?  Did my DVR I don’t actually have DVR tape the right show?

As if in answer to my question, Serena, rather unrealistically, gets her personal mail delivered right to the set.  And, lo and behold, it’s the Save the Date card for Blair’s sham of a Wedding to Not-Chuck-Bass . . .

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Speaking of Chuck . . .

Chuck Bass – Zen-tastic Biker Dude?

“Yes, I DO ride a hog, wearing white chinos, and an ascot.  Got a problem with that?” 

Oh, Chuck!  How I missed this man-whoring, uber-cocky, in love with his own name, version of you!  So, what if he’s CLEARLY in denial of the Blair Waldorf-sized hole in his heart, and has somehow converted all that angsty heartsickness into a Death Wish, and a life philosophy straight out of a not-particularly-good Jim Carrey movie?  He’s still WAY more fun to watch than that mopey workaholic doofus, who magically found himself in love with the bland as cottage cheese Raina Thorpe, last season, and punched his hand through a glass window for sh*ts and giggles . . .

(I’m still trying to repress the memories of those two storylines from my mind.)

When we first see Chuck he is hopping off his Harley (How the heck did he get a motorcycle license?  My guess is he the f*&ked a guy named Bubba for it.), and heading onto some boat he won in a Poker Game (naturally!), arm-in-arm with two blonde floozies with whom he is about to have loud raucous sex.  Like his pal Serena, LA seems to have been kind to Chuck, who is looking sexier than ever, with his longer than usual wind-swept hair, and decidedly un-preppy bomber jacket.  He’s even sporting a tan . . . something I never thought possible for this character to achieve, considering I always secretly believed him to be a vampire . . .

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Nate’s on the boat too.  He’s also pretty tan, and is doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, when Chuck arrives.

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(I guess some things NEVER change.) 

“If you hear anything crazy, then I’m doing something right,” announces Chuck proudly, as he escapes to the bedroom with his whores.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

After Chuck is safely out of sight,  Nate pulls out his and Chuck’s version of Blair’s Save the Date cards, and hides them in his pants . . . or someplace less likely for Chuck to go digging them up . . .

Dan Humpty Dumpty – Athlete?? 

Oh, Danny Boy!  My how you’ve grown, since Season 1 . . . 

My, oh, my has Dan the Donut (thus called, because he always appears to be both glazed, and oddly jelly filled) come a long way from his Poor Little Brooklyn Boy routes.  While his only remaining friends (I leave Manessa out of this limited circle, completely, of course), are busy planning their Royal Weddings, and taking Hollywood by storm, Dan has been summering in the Hamptons, of all places.  When we first see him, he is taking part in an Artists and Writers baseball game, which I’m sure is SUPER intense.  (You know how competitive those Artists and Writers can be!)

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Sorry to interrupt your game.  I just really needed to ruin your life, and it absolutely couldn’t wait.”

Papa Rufus, who has the WORST timing ever, decides to interrupt Dan, right in the middle of the game to give him HIS Save the Date from Blair.  (Really?  That couldn’t have waited until he got home?)  Though Dan tries to play it cool (HAHA!), the punched in the gut look he gets on his face, upon viewing the invitation, only serves to confirm Doofus Daddy’s long-held suspicion that his son is still harboring some pretty intense feelings for our Queen B . . .

Blair Waldorf – Kept Woman??

BLAIR: “Louis, darling, should I be worried that there is a picture of Marie Antoinette, a.k.a. that Queen that got beheaded, behind me, at this very moment.”

LOUIS: “No, dahlinnnng.  Do not worry.  You are save with me.” *pulls out the knife he’s been holding behind his back*

 Without her Non-Judging Breakfast Club friends to attend lavish parties and have HOT LIMO SEX WITH bolster her mood, things seem surprisingly dreary for Blair, back on the Upper East Side.  As a staunch lover of all things New York, I was shocked by how much more fun the LA portions of this episode seemed, in comparison to their East Coast counterparts.

Unfortunately, no limo sex was to be had on either coast . . . 

Blair is spending her morning with Prince Louis, who I have decided to call Louis-Bot.  This is because I am convinced that we will soon learn that he is not an actual human being, but  rather a cyborg, programmed to utter polite sentences, every time you push a button on the back of his neck, and to obey the commands of whoever spoke to him last.

I can sort of see a resemblance.  Can’t you? 

Blair rubs up on Louis, and suggests that the two of them stay in bed and screw all day.  Louis declines, because he has to go to some hoity, toity Assembly Speech / Dinner that Blair is not allowed to attend, until the two of them are married.  So, instead, he gives his fiance a ridiculously over-priced necklace, and exits stage left.

OK . . . here’s a guy who just TURNED DOWN sex with Blair Waldorf . . .

Ahem . . . 

 . . . to meet with his mother, and prepare from some snooty dinner that is still hours away.  Now, I KNOW he’s not human . . .

It’s Chuck Bass’ World (and we just live in it)

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Surprisingly enough (especially considering what a staunch Chair fan I am, and how much Serena’s and Nate’s subplots typically bug the hell out of me) my absolute favorite scenes from this premiere were the ones where Serena, Nate and Chuck got to pal around, give eachother advice, and tease one another, like the old close friends we had forgotten they were.

The lighthearted, fun and easygoing banter between the three harkened back to the show’s first season, before random special guest stars, betrayals, and separate plotlines unintentionally got in the way of this beautifully enviable friendship.  The only thing that would have made these scenes better would have been if Blair was there with them, thereby resulting in a Non-Judging Breakfast Club reunion of the highest order . . .

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Anywhoo, Serena comes to visit Chuck and Nate on their new party boat.  The boys offer her champagne, but Serena politely declines, claiming she has adopted a new healthy LA lifestyle.  Serena, sober?  HUH?

Immediately, I called shenanigans, and wondered whether it was HER positive pregnancy test we found in the trash can last season.  But I digress . . .

Once Serena is seated and NOT drinking, Chuck decides to regale us all on his new life philosophy, one that revolves around a bad Jim Carrey movie the word “YES.”  Said life philosophy is actually fairly simple.  If someone presents Chuck with an opportunity he HAS to accept it.

Well, in that case, Chuck, have sex with me, and then stop Blair’s ridiculously dull wedding, this instant! 

NO?  Well, it was worth a shot . . .

Chuck’s words have an immediately inspirational affect on Serena, who was recently given the opportunity to write a scene for The Beautiful and Damned (yeah, because that opportunity ALWAYS comes up for coffee girls, with NO film writing experience whatsoever), but declined it, out of fear of pissing off her immediate supervisor.  Serena decides to accept the challenge, but requests that her two male besties accompany her for moral support.

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Speaking of someone in need of moral support . . .

Say Yes to the Dress, Say NO to the Prosecco . . .

“I’m smiling right now, but only because I’m imagining what it would feel like to kick your mother’s bony ass.” 

Back on the Upper East Side, both Blair and Louis-bot are meeting with both of their mothers to discuss the details of the upcoming royal nuptials.  Unfortunately for Blair, she and Louis-bot’s Mommy butt heads on nearly every detail, from the flowers (Blair wants peonies, Mommy-bot insists on a more traditional bouquet), to the dress (Blair wants to pick out her own, Mommy-bot wants her to wear HERS), to how Blair should look in her upcoming Vogue magazine spread.

Rather than stick up for herself, every time Blair doesn’t get her way, she turns to Louis-bot and pouts, expecting him to stick up for her as Chuck Bass undoubtedly would.  But Louis-bot, unfortunately, is not programmed to disobey his Mommy.  And so he just sits there, with a blank expression on his face, waiting for someone to push the button on the back of his neck, so that he can speak again . . .

This VERY awkward moment is interrupted by another one, in which Dorota arrives bringing Prosecco, which Blair politely declines (UH OH!  Another “Just say no to alcohol moment.”  Somehow I don’t think this one has anything to do with the fact that Blair is still underage.)  After dropping off the booze, Dorota notices a Gossip Girl blast on Blair’s cell phone about someone on the Upper East Side being with child.

She nervously deletes the message, before Blair can see it.

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once this wedding discussion nonsense is over, Blair calls Serena to complain about how her robot fiance can’t stick up for her.  And I find myself once again wishing that Blair was with Chuck the others in LA.  The effortless banter between B and S is just so much more entertaining to watch than ANYTHING that happens between Blair and her Prince of Lame.

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Blair expresses shock over the fact that Serena is actually working.  And Serena, in turn, offers Blair some surprisingly sound advice, namely: give Mommy-Bot what she wants for the Vogue feature, and maybe she will leave you alone, when it comes to picking a wedding dress.

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Blair and Serena then reluctantly get off the phone, promising to contact one another the following day .  . Man, if Blair actually ends up going through with this wedding, she’s going to need a SERIOUSLY good international cell phone plan.  Because, take it from someone who knows, those little ten-minute nation-to-nation phonecalls can REALLY add up .  . . not that either of these girls ever need to worry about money, of course.

Speaking of S . . .

The Actor, The Stuntman . . . and the Screenwriter?

Just as she knew they would, both Nate and Chuck accompany Serena to the set, where her douchebag boss, of course, gives her heat for the intrusion, reminding her that Take Your Hotties to Work Day isn’t until next week.  (As Nate cleverly noted, “Douchebags are the same, no matter where you go,” which, by the way, would be a great saying to print on a t-shirt.)

Douchey McPussFace then motions over to Chuck, and asks who the heck he is, to which Serena and Nate, both respond, hilariously and in unison, “That’s Chuck Bass.”  (He’s got them trained SO WELL!)

CHUCK APPROVES!

Both Nate and Chuck immediately get the chance to put Chuck’s “Just say yes,” philosophy to the test, when Chuck somehow gets mistaken for a stuntman, and Nate gets pulled in to an audition for a role on the film.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t they have already cast all the parts, considering the movie is almost done filming?  Just sayin . .  .)

Now, it’s Serena’s turn, she heads over to the producer, and is immediately offered more responsibility on the film set.  I’d say the producer just wants to get into her pants like everybody else on this show but she’s female, and at least seems to be straight.  So, I guess Serena is just REALLY good at getting coffee and carring around piles of paper!  When Serena leaves “the meeting,” her grumbly, and now extremely jealous, boss, Douchey McPussFace informs her that SHE has been given HIS task list for the rest of the day.

“I totally hate you, right now but I’d still have sex with you.”

 If she finishes all the tasks listed by noon, she can attend some swanky Hollywood party.  Serena excitedly accepts the challenge.  But I’m already not trusting this Douchey McPussFace as far as I can throw him . . .

This exchange is interrupted by Chuck performing an impromptu jump off a high platform onto what looks like the BIGGEST BED EVER!  And I am so turned on watching this, it is not even funny.  Apparently, the cougar in charge of stunts feels the same way, because she immediately accepts Chuck’s offer for a date .  . .

Louis-Bot Makes Amends

 After being scolded by Blair, for being such a Mama’s Boy / Weenie, and not sticking up for her on all things wedding, Louis-Bot is programmed to placate Blair by inviting her to the Non-Royal FORBIDDEN assembly speech / dinner thingy.   Blair is thrilled, but still not satisfied.  So, she decides to wear a SCANDALOUS green dress to the event to test Louis-Bot’s ability to stand by his woman.

But then, when it comes time for the EPIC Dinner, Louis-Bot is nowhere to be found.  So, Blair begins to think she has been stood up, and wonders whether she has made a mistake in agreeing to marry this Wussy Pants . . .  YES!  IT’S A MISTAKE!  He’s a cyborg!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

My own personal reservations aside, Louis-Bot actually has a REALLY good reason for not picking up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner Thingy.  And it has to do with a certain Dopey Donut, and his former friend, Manessa . . .

Donut on the Run . . .

At another Artist and Writer Baseball Game, Dan’s former internship boss, back in Season 2, and current writer friend, remarks about a certain Anonymous manuscript that is making the rounds in the literary world.  Apparently, a chapter of it is set to be published in Vanity Fair relatively soon.  The writer mentions it to Dan because the main protagonist has his same initials as the young aspiring author, and a similar writing style. (Yeah, real CREATIVE, DONUT!)

Wow, someone really likes to read! 

Dopey Donut immediately realizes that the Anonymous Novel in question is HIS, about BLAIR, and apparently, though it is not explicitly stated, it ends with a rather explicit sex scene between the soon-to-be royal Queen B and Dan Humpty Dumpty’s alter ego.

“Damn you, Manessa!”

“That’s right.  Even when I’m NOT on the show, I ruin everything!”

Freaked out about the idea of Blair reading this article, Dopey Donut goes to the only person he thinks might be able to help him . . . Louis-Bot.  Dopey Donut catches Louis on the way to pick up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy, and warns him that he HAS to stop publication on this story, or it could mean some serious embarrassment for his future wife.

Louis-Bot, who really does seem to love Blair, despite the fact that he barely knows her, and is virtually incapable of conveying real emotion, due to his being a robot, agrees to help . . .

Weed is GOOD (unless you’re a drug addict . . .)

NATE:  “I don’t think we’re in New York anymore, Serena.”

SERENA:  “Umm . . . we haven’t been in New York all summer.”

NATE:  “Sh*t.  I am so high right now . . .” 

Having completed the last item on Douchey McPussFace’s list: “Get medicinal weed for the lead actor in the film.”  (Ummm . . . don’t you need to have some kind of license to do that?), Serena and Nate walk the streets of Hollywood,  en route to their first celebrity bash.

“I think I’m getting a contact high.” 

Stoner Nate, of course, can’t stop jabbering on excitedly about the amazing variety of pot in LA, as compared to the garden variety spliff he’s stuck with in NYC.  Nate then admits that for the past few seasons lately, he’s been kind of lost in really bad story lines, with really annoying Special Guest Stars that are completely unrelated to the rest of the characters or plot.  Serena’s been feeling a bit lost herself.  And so, the two of them decide to use this big Fancy, Schmancy Party as an opportunity to “reinvent themselves.”

I love how Nate’s idea of “reinventing himself,” was to pretend that he was some random actor (Chace Crawford, perhaps?) who owned the house where the party was, so that he could have raucous sex with the Cougar Special Guest Star Elizabeth Hurley Diana, who ACTUALLY owned the house.  Umm . . . Nate, isn’t this pretty much what you do at the beginning of EVERY SEASON?  Someone’s seen The Graduate and American Pie a few too many times . . .

“Ahhh . . . love interests . . . they keep getting older, and I keep staying the SAME AGE . . .” 

Lest you think this was just a one-night stand for Nate and Special Guest Star, we later overhear a conversation “Diana” is having with a friend, about her having planned to meet and seduce Nate all along . . .  It sounds like she’s going to go back to NYC and stalk him or something.  I’m still not quite sure what that was all about.   The sex looked pretty good though . . .

As for Serena, she gives the actor his weed, only to learn the completely obvious from the time she first got the list shocking truth that Douchey McPussFace had set her up!

Apparently, the actor she just drug dealed for has a bit of “substance abuse problem.”  In fact, one of the stipulations the production company had for continuing to fund the film was that this actor “stay sober.”

Cue Douchey McPussFace to swoop in and save the day before the actor in question sparked his dooby.  As the actor’s handlers rush to find out who gave him the offending smokes, Serena confronts Douchey McPussFace about what he did.  The dude then starts boohooing about how life is SO hard for him, because he has student loans, and needs this job . . . and how everything comes easy to Serena, who got this job without trying, and could easily get another job just by sleeping with another producer or director batting her eyelashes and asking for it.

Yeah . . . as much as I REALLY don’t like this guy, He was MUCH nicer in those Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies he kind of has a point.  Serena obviously thought so too, because she decided to fess up, and take the blame for the pot distribution.  She then offers to quit the first job she’s ever loved.  *sniffle, sniffle*

But HEY, this is Serena we’re talking about.   And . . . aside from that time when she “killed a man,” and that other time when Crazy Juliet drugged her and made everyone think she was a royal nutbar, NOTHING bad ever happens to Serena.  So, of course, when Serena returns to the set to pack up her stuff, the film’s producer offers her a full time job, working directly for her, as soon as the movie wraps.

So, it looks like Serena is staying in LA . . . for now, anyway . . .  Oooh, Douchey McPussFace probably isn’t going to like that (unless he ends up falling in love with Serena, and sleeping with her, which, knowing this show, he probably will . . .)

Meanwhile, in Chuck Bass land . . .

Oooh . . . WIPEOUT!

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So, while Nate is busting up the bedroom with HIS Cougar, Chuck is riding matching motorcycles with HIS.  They stop back at Chuck’s place to change clothing before heading out again on Mullholland Drive.  The original plan is to take a CAR on this leg of the trip, since the road is notoriously rocky.  However, when Chuck, accidentally finds Blair’s Save the Date invitation, buried underneath a pile of other papers, he decides to brave the road by motorcycle anyway . . .

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While riding, Chuck wipes out in a pretty major way, while riding at top speed.  He looks pretty darn hurt, but when Cougar Lady offers to take him to the hospital, he brushes her off, nonchalantly insisting that the pair keep riding.  This freaks Cougar Lady out enough to realize that Chuck’s daredevil antics bely a darker, and more deep-rooted psychological issue. named “Blair.” (If only she knew!)  She instructs Chuck to get some mental help (an idea that is probably suggested to Chuck at least once EVERY season . . . usually by Blair, herself), and dumps his ass.

Despite the rejection, and his obvious heartbreak, Zen-Master Chuck still has positive words for both Serena and Nate, the morning after the party.  Undoubtedly assuming the voice of both the writers, and many fans, Chuck reminds both Serena and Nate how incredibly lame they’ve been the past few seasons, and backhandedly compliments them on FINALLY getting on the right track, in this episode . . . Serena, by FINALLY taking responsibility for herself and her actions, and Nate, by realizing that being someone else, like Chuck Bass, for example  is way more fun than actually being “Nate.”

“You should write a book or something,” Serena suggests to Chuck, only half kidding.  (Hey, if Dopey Dan can do it, why not him?)

“People like me don’t write books.  We’re written about,” Chuck replies.

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MAN, I love Chuck!  So, do Serena and Nate, apparently, who pull him in for the most adorable three-way group hug EVER!

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This adorableness is repeated again, outside a limousine, as Chuck and Nate prepare to return to NYC, and say goodbye to their pal, Serena, who will be sticking around LA for a little while.  The group open a celebratory bottle of champagne (I guess Serena’s not pregnant!), which promptly spills all over Chuck, forcing him to go into a nearby trailer to dry himself off . . .

Weeeeee!

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In a scene that stands in stark contrast to the joyous ones immediately preceding it, Chuck enters the trailer alone.  Once inside, he quietly looks in the mirror at the large gash on his stomach.  This physical wound is clearly meant to represent how broken and damaged our Bass Man truly is on the inside, despite his carefree, and happy external facade.  The resulting image is both poignant and genuinely heartbreaking (not to mention, a little gross) . . .

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He still has awesome abs, though  . . . That Bass-tard’s been WORKING OUT!

Speaking of heartbreaking . . . (or not, depending on how you feel about babies . . . and weddings) . . .

Baby Got Back . . . Donut Got Dumped.

Donut Dan is trying desperately to determine whether the rest of his book about Blair is about to be published, when the vixen herself appears on his doorstep.

She is distraught over Louis’ believed refusal to take her to the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy . . . so distraught, in fact, that she wants to call off the entire wedding.  Blair tells Dan that he’s the only friend she has on the East Coast now.  So, she asks him if he could help her make an escape.  GO TO LA, GIRLFRIEND!  GO TO LA!

Blair suggests to Dan that the two of them go to his empty place in the Hamptons.  And the Donut immediately agrees, undoubtedly doing a dopey dance on the inside, despite knowing that this little impromptu getaway is being taken under false pretenses, since Louis-Bot, though boring, does not actually lack honor.

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“I’m soooooo getting laid, tonight .   . . It’ll be JUST LIKE IN MY BOOK (except my weiner isn’t a foot long, in real life)!”

Cue the doorbell  It’s Louis-bot.  He’s coming to tell Dan that he’s successfully prevented his short story about Blair from getting published.

“DOH!”

UH OH!  BUSTED!  Now Donut is forced to come clean to Blair about knowing Louis’ positive intentions all along.  “YouKNEW . . . You were going to let me walk away from everything,” exclaims an extremely hurt and betrayed feeling Blair.

Dan has no response to this.  He just stares at Blair with his droopy puppy dog eyes, as she storms out of his apartment with Louis-Bot . . .

As it turns out, the story CHAPTER is the least of Dan’s problems.  Cue the mailman!  Well, what do you know, there’s  a CHECK for $10,000 from Manessa to Dan, congratulating him on having his first FULL novel published . . .

RUH-ROH!

And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Blair’s busy getting ready for her Vogue shoot, dressed in Mommy-Bot’s frumpy wedding dress, when her Mom comes in with a “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book.  She immediately thinks Blair is pregnant, and is FURIOUS!  But guess what?  The book is DOROTA’S, who’s apparently pregnant with Baby #2, and THRILLED that she’s been deemed important enough to make it onto gossip girl.

Zzzzzzz!  Seriously?   That’s what we’ve been waiting all summer to find out!

But wait . . . it’s not over until the pregnant lady sings, right?  Out at the photo shoot, Louis-Bot proves himself worthy of Blair’s love once again, by insisting that she appear in the photo shoot with her choice of bouquet.  It’s a nice gesture, and a symbolic step in the right direction for Louis-Bot, in terms of his putting Blair before Mommy-Bot in his marriage . . . It’s too bad he’s still boring.

“Seamstress say WHAT?!” 

Then in the  not particularly surprising ultimate shocker, Blair’s seamstress inquires of Blair how far along she is, noticing that her measurements have been rapidly expanding.

Blair denies the pregnancy allegation, but the frantic look on her face says otherwise.  If her seamstress can already tell that she’s pregnant, how long before EVERYONE knows?  And, perhaps, more importantly, who’s the daddy?  Will this a Baby Louis-Bot?

Or a Baby Bass?

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Or did the Dopey Donut somehow manage to insert his coin in the Queen B’s slot off camera?

Only time (and, perhaps, a paternity test) will tell.  But, suffice to say, things are about to get ROYALLY UGLY .  . .

In other, kind of random news . . .

Poison Ivy Blues

At the end of the episode, we see that faux-Charlie / Ivy / “Call me Serena” is in LA, working at a restaurant with her boyfriend, and, most certainly, up to no good.  Serena, of course, enters the restaurant right when “Ivy” is supposed to start her shift, but still thinks she’s “Rich Charlie,” and starts talking her up, as if they are actually cousins or something.  Not wanting to give up the jig just yet, Ivy ditches her waitressing shift, and walks off with Serena, continuing to play up her false identity.

Hey there!  I just pretended I was you during sex . . .

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AW-KWARD!

This can’t end well . . .

And there you have it folks, the Gossip Girl Season 5 premiere in a diamond-encrusted nutshell.  So, what did you think?  Were you as bothered as I was by the separation of Blair from her Non-Judging Breakfast Club . . . or the COMPLETE lack of Chair interaction?   How do you like the new Chuck Bass, and Serena’s new LA home?  What about Nate’s NEW Cougar, do you think she will be as dull and pointless as the rest of his non-main cast member girlfriends?  Or will this time be different?  And, most importantly, who do you think is the daddy?

Please sound off in the comment section, below.   Until next week . . . XOXO!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Redemption, Thy Name is Chuck Bass (Charlie, Thy Name is Ivy?) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Finale “The Wrong Goodbye”

CHUCK:  ‘So, Blair (other half of “Chair”), maybe you could explain to me how, even though we crashed this Bar Mitzvah, somehow you and I end up the stars of the Chair Dance, an honor typically only bestowed on the Bar Mitzvah boy and his parents?”

BLAIR:  “Maybe it’s supposed to foreshadow something?”

CHUCK: “Like the Super Hot Sex we are about to have  in the conveniently-located private room, right outside the reception hall?”

BLAIR: “Like the fact that we are about to become parents.”

CHUCK: “You know, they should really start handing out condoms at Bar Mitzvahs, given the whole ‘boy turning into a man’ theme, and all . . .”

We wanted it, and we got it, Chair fans: The Redemption of Chuck Bass!  After weeks of agonizing and hand-wringing over the whole “pretending to love Raina” thing, and the “drunkenly breaking glass on Blair’s face” thing, Team Chuck was finally rewarded.  This week, fans got the opportunity to hear our King Bass say to his Queen B. everything we have wanted him to say to her, since the couple’s devastating breakup at the end of “The Witches of Bushwick.”

Chuck Bass rescued Blair Waldorf tonight, and not just from Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Russell Thorpoop either . . .

“Yes, I’ll admit it.  I’m an adult who likes to play with fire.   How else did you think I ended up bald?”

Through his eloquent words, Chuck rescued Blair from her fear that she was not a successful enough woman, in her own right, to be coupled with a powerful man.  He also rescued her from her belief that love and happiness were two mutually exclusive emotions.  And, perhaps, most importantly, he rescued her from those pesky panties she was wearing . . .

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This is NOT your mother’s Chairytale!

And though things didn’t end quite the way we had hoped for Chuck and Blair in “The Wrong Goodbye” (an apt title, if ever there was one), the growth Chuck has undergone as a character this season, coupled with the personal sacrifices he made for the happiness of the woman he loves, this week, have proven, without a doubt, that Chuck Bass deserves to be with Blair Waldorf.  And he will be with her . . . eventually.

Patience, my dear Waldorf!  There’s always Season 5!

But this Season Finale wasn’t ALL about Chair (about 98% of it was), “The Wrong Goodbye” also treated us to some Crazy Charlie(?) shenanigans, a bit of Georgina hilarity, and a few dryly humorous meta-references, courtesy of the Three Kings of Snark, Dan Humphrey, Nate Archibald, and Eric van der Woodsen . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Upper East Siders, let’s get on with the recap?

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

MANESSA:  “I can’t believe this is my last episode of Gossip Girl, EVER!  I’m really going to miss you guys!  But, hey, maybe I can come back for a few guest appearances next season?”

SERENA:  “I doubt it.   They’ve already converted your trailer into a gym for the rest of the cast.”

In a scene that would absolutely NEVER happen under normal GG circumstances (and is ONLY happening because it is Jessica Szohr’s last appearance on the show, and the writers want to throw her a bone, by giving her some lines, and a teensy bit of character redemption), Serena and Manessa are riding to Constance Prep together, in search of an off-her-meds, wacked-out Charlie.  Manessa explains that Charlie, had to leave college after “Single White Female-ing” her roommate.  And now, evidently, she is doing the same thing to Serena.  (“Thanks for the explanation, Manessa!  We would NEVER have figured that out, otherwise,” The Recapper says sarcastically.)

For the record, the only time I EVER want to be watching the inside of a limo on Gossip Girl, is when THIS is happening inside of it . . .


Meanwhile, in Bromantic Buddy News . . .

. . . Dan and Nate are getting gossipy at the bar over at Constance Prep.  Dan “Screw and Tell” Humphrey is overly eager to fill Nate in on his Principal Office sexcapades with Belongs in a Strait-Jacket Barbie.

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Initially, Nate, not surprisingly, reacts the same way most of us fans did when we heard Charlie utter “Call me Serena” during sex, by laughing hysterically at the poor girl’s expense.

“Apparently, ‘Call me Serena,’ is the New ‘What’s My Name, B*tch?'”

But, of course, Nate is DUDE.  And for most dudes, a little schizophrenia CERTAINLY isn’t going to get in the way of a good lay!  “Just tell her ‘That’s not necessary,’ and get back to doing whatever it is you were going to do,” instructs Nate.

THIS . . . coming from the guy who once thought Raccoon Zombie, Little J was a “great catch.”

Nate, I love you to pieces.  But it’s characters like you that always die first in horror movies.  Just sayin’.

The GG writers continue to laugh at their own absurdity, when Dan sees Chuck entering the party, and wonders why the dude isn’t in rehab, like Gossip Girl said he was.

For the record, I would totally watch a show in which GG’s Alcoholic Chuck, got together TVD’s resident alcoholics, Damon and Alaric,  and entered into some kind of CW Character rehab .  . .

Speaking of Chuck, he’s just found Mama Waldorf (who’s new haircut is SO not cute, by the way), and is inquiring about Blair’s whereabouts . . .

“You know, sometimes I get bored hooking up with the dude who played the nerdy teacher in Clueless.  So, if you are ever in the market for a ‘mature and experienced’ woman . . .”

Clearly, tired of Chuck playing paddleball with her daughter’s emotions, Eleanor Waldorf really goes for the jugular, telling Chuck that he should let Blair go, and calling him, among other things, a “Fantasy Destroyer,” and “The Big Bad Wolf.”  When I heard the latter name being used to describe Chuck, part of me expected him to do something like this . . .

But, instead, he just walks away.  LAME.

Then, Serena and Vanessa arrive at the party, causing the entire Scooby Gang, except Blair, to unite, for a not particularly subtle recap of the season’s current dangling plot threads . . .

“Previously . . . on Gossip Girl . . .”

More self-referential humor abounds, when Eric agrees to help the group with whatever scheme they have cooking, provided it doesn’t require, among other things, stopping a wedding, running a Ponzi scheme, or giving anybody Fake Cancer.

“I take pride in knowing that I am the only character on this show who recognizes how ridiculous we all are.”

Then Blair’s old high school minions pop by, wondering when Eric VDW got so hot.  (It’s called puberty, girls.  You should try it sometime.)  Though Eric gently reminds the minions that he is “still gay,” they are not discouraged.  “That means you CAN dance!”  They exclaim. 

Ahh . . . gay stereotypes . . . We truly ARE back in high school, aren’t we?

“Those darn, meddling kids!”

Chuck and Nate then head to the roof of the school (probably to snort coke, or something).  And, Raina magically appears.  Apologies abound, as Nate apologizes to Chuck for spilling the beans to Raina about her father “accidentally” murdering her mother. Raina apologizes to Chuck for telling her wackadoo dad she doesn’t love him anymore, thereby sending Pops off the deep end.  And Chuck apologizes to Raina for getting her involved in the most uninteresting relationship on Gossip Girl, since Serena and Ben, and ANYBODY and Vanessa . . .

This lovefest is interrupted by the ringing of Chuck’s cell phone . . .

“No, I’m not interested in joining the Steak of the Month Club!  Stupid Telemarketers!”

As you might recall from last week, Lex Luthor-wannabe Russell Thorpoop, having been “fingered”  (It sounds so dirty!) in the murder of his wife, by his own daughter, has somehow decided that REPEATING the crime that got him in trouble in the first place (namely, burning down a new hotel, with a Bass’ lover in side of it), will solve all his problems.  Talk about not learning from past mistakes!

“It was either this, or reorganizing my doll collection.”

With her life on the line, Blair means to call 911.  But since three numbers are SO hard to remember, she calls Chuck instead.  (HE’S Number 1 on her Speed Dial!  Take that Prince Louis . . . and Serena . . . and Dorota!)  Wanting to give Chuck an idea of where she is, without cluing Russell in to the fact that she is making the call, Blair employs the MOST OBVIOUS DIALOGUE EVER!  “Why are you doing this to me.  . . You brought me to the rooftop of Chuck’s new hotel in Brooklyn, by pretending Chuck was in trouble, and are now threatening to kill me!”  Blair emotes comically.

“There you go, Blair!  That’s exactly what people sound like when they are talking to their prospective killers!  Russell will never suspect a thing.”

Chuck hears this on the other end of his cell phone, and SOMEHOW pieces together what is happening to Blair.  (The man is a GENIUS!)  Little Bass then rushes to his new hotel site with Nate and Raina, hot on his heels.  At some point during all this, our rescue gang calls 911.  Interestingly enough, even though I’m sure there are, in fact, cops in Brooklyn, and Chuck and Co., traveling ALL THE WAY FROM MANHATTAN,  the trio miraculously arrives on the scene before the NYPD.  And yet I will not complain about such petty details, because the cop’s ineptitude gave me THIS . . .

Awwww!

Like every dumb comic book villain, Russell Thorpoop chooses to blather on about how he’s going to screw Chuck over by killing Blair, rather than actually DOING IT.  While the camera is focused on Russell, Chuck and Blair have time to have a little rooftop sex session, with Nate watching of course.  (At least that’s what they are doing in my head.) 

Then Raina comes forward and tells her dad that he is going to prison for life, and that she is never visiting him!  Honestly, I haven’t liked Raina THIS much, since her character smoked pot for the first time, and beat Nate at “Dance, Dance, Revolution.”

“This bud’s for YOU!”

Of course, after the whole ordeal,  Raina decides she wants to leave the show Manhattan for good.  And Nate pretends to be genuinely upset.  But we know secretly, he’s thrilled to have a chance at a GOOD storyline, with a love interest who’s actually a MAIN CHARACTER, for a change.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty, water-colored, memories . . of the way we were.”

Meanwhile, back at Constance .  .  .

Step Aside, Amateurs!  Because NO ONE does crazy, like Georgia Sparks!

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Georgina Sparks is back in town.  As it turns out, being a Baby Mama / Real Housewife of Westchester County isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  So, when Georgina hears that the Scooby Gang is banding together to “rescue” Charlie from her own insanity, Georgina is eager to help them come up with a plan.  And she offers her services to LITERALLY everybody in the cast, whether or not they ask for it.

Man, I miss Georgina!  None of GG’s villains (with the exception, of perhaps, Jack Bass) have ever even came close to the level of naughty fun and hilarity she added to the show.  Aside from having some of the best one-liners ever,  (“I’m going to go get drunk enough to find you interesting.”), Georgina always stood out from the rest of baddies.  After all, when she wasn’t busy making the other character’s lives miserable, she really WAS one of the gang, playing a key role in many of the gang’s most successful schemes.

“I miss you!  You really GET ME!”  Georgina calls out to Serena, after being once again rebuffed by her frienemy.

In fact, we feel Georgina’s pain when she wonders (along with the rest of us) why ON EARTH Manessa got to be part of the Rescue Charlie games that night, while Georgina was left out in the cold.  And, of course, it was GEORGINA, Queen of Scams, who figured out IMMEDIATELY that Charlie wasn’t exactly who she said she was, and gave the girl her number, written on a napkin.  Crazy “Charlie” and Crazier Georgina . . . something tells me these two are going to be quite the Scary Pair in Season 5.

Speaking of “Call Me Serena” . . .

Lamest Suicide Attempt Ever!

“Oh, would you just JUMP already!  I’m missing American Idol for this!”

So, Crazy Charlie is supposedly all sad about Dan rejecting her for her Serena Sex Fetish.  So, she starts getting all self-destructive and drinking liquor RIGHT OUT OF THE BOTTLE . . . at a Glorified HIGH SCHOOL DANCE!

“Hey, Headmistress!  Maybe you should spend less time telling your old students how disappointed you are in their life choices, and more time CHAPERONING the UNDERAGE BOOZE INTAKE!”

Then, after texting Serena “Goodbye”  (Suicide Texts are SO last season!), Charlie finds a window and pretends to jump out of it, by half-assedly dangling one leg outside of it.  Surprise!  Serena gets there just in time.  So, Charlie starts boo hooing about how nobody looooooveeesss her, and everybody haaaaaates her, and Serena is so much beeeeetttter. 

Remembering Mistress Queller’s thinly-veiled insults about her decision to stay in New York, and the Mini Mes’ criticisms about her inability to choose between Dan and Nate (She chose the “guy who tried to kill [her] instead”) . . .

“For a pedophile, attempted murderer, that Ben guy SURE WAS BORING!”

 . . . Serena explains to Charlie that she’s not nearly as cool as no one everyone thinks she is.  After all, her whole life she has never made any real decisions for herself.  Somehow, hearing what a loser Serena is brings Charlie back from “Brink of Death,” which I guess I would be more excited about, if I gave two craps about her character . . .

“See you in Season 5, Bitches!”

Nonetheless, Charlie decides the Upper East Side is not for her.  So, she heads back to Florida, where she feels she belongs.  And . . . here comes the twist.

When “Charlie” gets off the bus in Florida, and meets with Carol Rhodes, we learn that she is not really “Charlie” at all.  Rather, she is “Ivy,” an actress hired by Carol to impresonate “Charlie” and gain access to Charlie’s trust account, left to her by her grandmother. 

Ivy returns a series of trust account check books to Carol, prompting Carol to say that now the van der Woodsens will never be tempted to find the REAL Charlie.  (Why Carol, what did you do, eat her?)  Of course, after the pair of near-strangers part ways, we learn that Ivy has kept one of the trust account check books for herself.  In Ivy’s final moments, we see her dig out Georgina’s number from her bag, and stare at it intently.  I smell trouble, Upper East Siders!

Speaking of storylines, I didn’t care too much for, until their final moments . . .

Adios, Manessa!  Don’t let la puerta hit you, where Dios split you!

Manessa’s new address in Spain, i.e. the place where you should start forwarding all your hate mail . . .

So, after pretending to care about Charlie and her suicide, Manessa, surprise, surprise, takes it upon herself to start stalking Dan’s apartment, and rifling through his papers, while he’s not home.  (Note to Dan:  GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!)  Manessa “miraculously” comes upon a manuscript Dan has apparently been working on for five years, which, to me seems like it’s probably Books 1 through 5 of the Gossip Girl Series.  The novel is called “Inside.”   Manessa, of course, assumes that if she can get Dan to publish it, then his friends (most of whom are portrayed like shallow a$$holes in it) will all abandon him, so, she can get back INSIDE his pants . . .

“Can’t blame a girl for trying!”

Manessa calls Dan and babbles on about how Ahhh-mazing his writing is!  She then scolds him for spending his whole life wanting so desperately to be part of the in-crowd, and warns him not to let his desire for popularity get in the way of his “art.”  (Well, one thing can be said about Manessa, SHE doesn’t let popularity get in the way of anything!  Then again, since everybody despises her, she doesn’t have to!) 

Manessa also hints that some people, other than Serena, will really like the way they are portrayed in the book.  And I can’t tell whether she’s referring to herself or Blair. 

“I wrote nice things about Manessa?” Clearly, I was on drugs.”

However, whether or not Dan had fond feelings toward Manessa, when he first started writing the manuscript five years ago, he certainly doesn’t have them now.  “When are you going to realize that it’s better to be a Great Man, than a Good Boy?”  Manessa demands.

“And when are you going to realize that I had a better life, before you climbed up my fire escape four years ago!”  Dan replies.

NEVER in the entire history of Gossip Girl have I been more proud of DAN HUMPTY DUMPTY than I am RIGHT NOW!  High five, Dan!

Any realism that was created by this scene is IMMEDIATELY destroyed when Manessa just randomly happens to appear at a publishing office.  The HEAD of publishing then READS the anonymous manuscript given to him by NOBODY Manessa, immediately touts the author as the next Jonathan Safran Foer, and agrees to publish the book, while sending Manessa royalty checks at her new address in Spain.

OK, as someone who has spent YEARS of her life trying to get books published, SCREW YOU, GOSSIP GIRL!  I understand the plot point.  And I applaud you for ridding us of Manessa, but this was just plain MEAN!

*takes deep breath*

OK . . . I think I’ve calmed down.  On to bigger and better storylines . . .

“The Best Loves are the Crazy Ones”

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Back in Brooklyn, having disposed of Crazy Russell Thorpoop, Blair suddenly remembers that she has to meet Louis at Constance Prep and prove to him that she still loves him.  Chuck offers to drive her there.  But since Blair doesn’t really seem to love Louis all that much, she promptly agrees to keep her “future husband” waiting just a little longer, so that she can crash a random Bar Mitzvah with Chuck.  (You can’t beat an open bar, right?)

Freed from the constraints of being stalked by Gossip Girl, and the pressures of their day-to-day lives, Chuck and Blair let loose in ways we’ve never seen them do in their entire time on the show.  This involves a bit of laughter, a whole lot of smiling, and, yes, some REALLY, REALLY, RIDICULOUSLY BAD dancing to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”

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It’s nice to see that Chuck and Blair have the ability to have fun together and enjoy one another’s company, even when they are doing other things besides scheming, and having amazing sex . . .

Speaking of sex, after Chuck and Blair ride the chairs together (sounds kinky!), and leave a nice fat check with the Bar Mitzvah Boy, they head off into the nearest semi private room and  . . . um . . . roll in the deep together . . .

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When these Chairs are rockin’, don’t come a knockin!

Well, there’s nothing like good sex to spark a life-changing epiphany!  Blair realizes immediately after experiencing innumerable “O’s” with Chuck, that there is no way she can go back to life with the Prince.  “You love him, don’t you?”  Chuck asks.

“But not like I love you.   His love is lighter.  Our love is intense.  It always pulls us in.  What’s real happiness in the face of that?”  Blair replies. 

And while what she is saying is clearly true, in terms of the Chair relationship . . .  it does sound like an odd endorsement for love, especially coming right after all the bad dancing and happy humping, in which she and Chuck had engaged just moments earlier. 

I don’t know!  They look pretty happy to me!

Nonetheless, Chuck again offers to drive Blair to Constance to confront Louis.  Given that the dance has long since ended, Chuck and Blair are actually shocked to find Louis still waiting alone for Blair’s arrival.  “I knew you’d come,” says Louis, upon seeing her appear, not seeming the least bit concerned that Chuck is by her side. 

AWKWARD!

Just when Blair is about to let the Prince down easy, Chuck intervenes.  “You have my blessing,” he says, shaking Louis’ hand graciously.  “I couldn’t be more happy you two are getting married.”

Shocked, Blair pulls Chuck aside, wanting to know why the HELL he did that!  (You and me BOTH, Blair!  You and me, both!)

And Chuck’s explanation as to why he is sacrificing the love of his life and his own happiness, to save Blair’s, is more beautiful and poignant than anything viewers could have anticipated.  And yet, it is also heartbreakingly sad.  Just when Chuck has finally proven to Blair, and to us fans, that he CAN make Blair happy, that he IS a good enough person, and a strong enough man, to give her everything she needs in a mate, THIS is the moment when he decides that he must let her go, for her own good.

Sound familiar, TVD fans?

I’m going to post the dialogue in its entirety here, before discussing it more in detail:

Fans of Veronica Mars, will undoubtedly remember the speech that Logan made to Veronica, during Season 2, about their love story being EPIC, “spanning years and continents, lives ruined, and bloodshed . . . They don’t write love songs about the ones that come easy,” he told her.

And I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blair Waldorf was a Veronica Mars fan, when she made that comment about the Great Loves, being the Crazy Ones.  She even made a similar argument to Logan that literature, sonnets and music tended to be written more about the CRAZY and EPIC love stories, than about the mundane and easy ones.  And, honestly, these two TV couples share a lot in common with one another.  Both Logan and Chuck are dark and tortured souls, who, each in their own way, are difficult to love.  And yet they love harder than any bright and sunny person on the planet.

Another notable line during this exchange was Chuck’s reference to the fact that, back in Season 3, he had waited only two minutes on top of the Empire State Building for Blair to meet him and accept his marriage proposal, before leaving to sleep with the Raccoon Zombie, whereas Louis waited all night . . .

Of course, to me, this says less about the extent of Chuck’s love for Blair, and more about his lack of faith in himself.  Unlike Chuck, Louis seemed certain that Blair would return to him.  But, had Chuck not intervened, he would have been WRONG!  How important is faith in love?  This is something Blair will have to figure out for herself, in the coming months . . .

And, finally, I loved Chuck’s insistence that Blair recognize how powerful she is.  After all, the initial reason that Blair had broken up with Chuck, earlier this seaso,n is that she felt she needed to prove herself a powerful and successful woman, before she could align herself with a powerful and successful man.  But Blair has always been a powerhouse, in her own right, a woman who has time, and time, again shown her strength and intelligence.  And I suspect she will continue to do so, with or without a man at her side . . .

In the end, just like during their last break up, Blair and Chuck conclude their relationship by telling one another that they will always love eachother.  On one hand, it’s a depressing, and totally ass backward, way to end a relationship.  In another way, it is uplifting, and provides hope that these two will someday (hopefully sooner, rather than later) find their way back to one another once again. 

But, for now, Blair is walking off into the sunset with Prince Charming, just like in the fairytales.  But will they live Happily Ever After?  Knowing the GG writers, probably not.

Epilogue

We cut to a few weeks later, and learn that Blair will be spending the summer in Monaco with Louis.  She is also planning a November wedding, to which the entire Upper East Side Crew is invited . . .

Chuck comes to VDW mansion to see her off, and the two kiss one another wistfully, as “friends.”  And though they are both being all nice and mature, we, of course, don’t believe any of it, not even for a second . . .

Speaking of Chuck, he and Nate plan to spend the summer months traveling the world together, just as Blair and Serena did the summer before . . .

 . . . while Dan goes to the Hamptons to “write.”  Meanwhile, Serena spends time alone on the beach, where, miraculously, some young screenwriter and producer, just so happen to be adapting the ONE BOOK SHE HAS EVER READ THAT DOESN’T HAVE PICTURES IN IT, (appropriately titled “The Beautiful Damned” . . . just like her) into a film, and EQUALLY MIRACULOUSLY require her help to do so . . .

(Oh, you go right ahead, GG!  Just keep digging that knife deeper into aspiring writers’ chests.  It’s nice to know that it is SO easy for “brilliant” people like Serena and Dan to find success in the literary world.)

OH . . . and I almost forgot to mention, SOMEONE left THIS in the wastebasket of Blair Waldorf’s bedroom . . .

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Could there be a little Bass-tard on it’s way? 

So, that’s where the gang left off for the summer . . . each on their separate journies, which, of course, are destined to intertwine in innumerable ways, as the Summer comes to a close.  But, for now, the Summer is just beginning, both for the Upper East Siders, and for US!  So, enjoy it, Gossip Girl fans!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Two Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Shattered Bass”

“Remember when I got really wasted . . . and punched a glass window . . . and  glass shattered .  . . and some of it hit Blair in the face?   NO?  That’s good, because I don’t really remember it either.  Ah, the wonders of Drunken Binges and Rage Blackouts not to mention schizophrenic, often ridiculous, but still oddly entertaining, episode writing.”

So, I think after last week’s episode, a lot of us thought (hoped?) that this episode would focus on Chuck’s  immense guilt over how he behaved during “The Princesses and the Frog,” and his quest to right the wrongs in his life, while winning back the woman of his dreams . . .

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Well, as it turns out . . . not so much.  Instead, the episode focused on two Evil Looney Tunes . . .

Wrong Evil Looney Tunes!

Those are the ones!

 . . . and two very important lessons:  (1) NEVER forget to take your anti-psychotic meds, or you may just end up in the principal’s office, begging the guy you’re crushing on to call you another person’s name during sex . . .

CHARLIE:  “Call me, Serena!”

DAN:  “But . . . I thought your name was, Charlie.”

CHARLIE: *whistles awkwardly*

DAN:  “Oh I get it!  This is your polite way of telling me that you are a F&*KING NUTBALL, and of reminding me that the guy who played my role in Single White Female ended up being hacked to death by a stiletto heel . . .

CHARLIE:  “Pretty much . . .”

 . . . and (2) DON’T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, tell Nate Archibald ANYTHING, unless you want the Whole World to know . . .

“Tell me your troubles, and I will sing them from mountaintops.  I’m like a low-tech Gossip Girl, in that way.”

Now, from a “Character Development” perspective, this was VERY bad form, on the part of Gossip Girl.  After all, by this point, I think it’s pretty obvious to most fans that Chuck and Blair are intended by the writers to be one another’s “endgame” . . .

Chemistry like this doesn’t come in a bottle . . . and can overcome even the shoddiest of plot devices.

So, as a writer, if you plan to tear down one of the character’s in your Endgame SHIP in the eyes of fans, in order to promote drama, angst, and a ratings bump, the least you could do is attempt to redeem him, by illustrating some remorse on his part for what he has done.  Aside from a few throwaway lines from Chuck, we didn’t really get that this week, which was somewhat disappointing.  On the other hand, Gossip Girl is a show written predominately for entertainment.  And “Shattered Bass” was nothing, if not entertaining . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

A Dream is a Wish Your Chuck Makes  . . .

Those “Classic Movie” Dream Sequences Blair often has at the beginning of an episode are really weird, aren’t they?  I know they are often meant to illustrate what’s going through Blair’s mind, in a “cute and quirky” way.  But, honestly, we didn’t need a dream sequence to tell us that Blair was having difficulty choosing between Prince Louis and Chuck, did we?  I mean, how dense do these writers think we are? 

I don’t even know what movie this was supposed to be!  (Someone on Tumblr said it was Roman Holiday.  Must have missed that one on my Netflix Queue.)  Oh . . . and I didn’t like Blair’s hair in the dream either. You would think Sleeping Blair would have better taste than that . . . 

Anywho .  . .

We cut to the Empire Hotel, where Chuck doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the brand new GAPING HOLE in his window.  (What if the birds fly in and crap, on his expensive furniture?)  He also doesn’t seem to understand at all why Nate is mad at him, which is a bit disconcerting.  (Though, in Chuck’s defense, Nate probably should have spent less time, judgmentally staring at Drunk Chuck, as the latter took his anger out on that Mean Ole Window, and more time TRYING TO STOP CHUCK FROM ACCIDENTALLY HURTING HIMSELF AND BLAIR.)

“It’s a good thing I’m so pretty.  Because I tend to suck ROYALLY, most of the time.”

(By the way, I’ve been trying to figure out how much time has passed in between last week’s episode and this one?  Based solely on Chuck and Nate’s conversation, I assumed it was just the next morning.  But then things happened later in the episode  — like Blair’s parents’ impromptu planning of herengagement party — that made me think at least a few days had past.  Perhaps, the timeline was left intentionally ambiguous, due to the way the writers had opted to ignore treat Chuck’s storyline, from last week.)

So, Nate announces to Chuck that he is going to be staying over at Raina’s for a few days.  And Chuck basically responds by saying, “Suit yourself, Lame-o!  Get out and stay out!  I own this ENTIRE HOTEL!”

CHUCK:  “I bet RAINA’S apartment doesn’t have a Wii Entertainment System, or a lifetime supply of POT.”

NATE:  “I am so screwed . . .”

Charlie’s Angels (are probably on vacation)

“This one time . . . at band camp . . . I murdered my boyfriend in his sleep . . .  by shoving so many candies down his throat that he choked on them.  Would you like a Gummi Bear?”

Those of you (like me) who were INSANELY excited that Manessa was “studying abroad,” and, therefore, would be out of our hair for good . . .

 .  . . were probably a tad disappointed to see her again toward the beginning of this episode . . .

As it turns out, Manessa (having just been burned by Charlie, while trying to screw SERENA and BLAIR).  Now, all the sudden, is back to wanting to “help” Serena defeat Charlie . . .

“Please talk to me.  Otherwise, I won’t have any lines in this episode, and they won’t pay me.”

Initially, at least, Serena tells Manessa to F*&k OFF!

Cut to Dan Humphrey Dumpty’s House, where Charlie is telling Dan that her favorite book is Flowers in the Attic, which, among other things, is about a brother and sister, who occasionally like to DO IT with one another . . .

This really should have been Dan’s first sign that all was not kosher in Charlie-land . .  .

But as we know, all too well, Oh Danny Boy, is SUPER NAIVE, not to mention, a real Sucker for the Psychos.  And so he invites Charlie to the Charity Ball taking place that night Blair’s and Serena’s old high school.  Charlie then, not so subtly, brings up Dan’s and Serena’s high school relationship, which Dan seems almost too eager to discuss with her.  This is something that people in the BIZ like to call . . . FORESHADOWING . . .

CHARLIE:  “Mmmm . . .  mind if I pretend you’re my brother?”

The Return of Cyrus Rose (and Blair’s Deliciously Nasty Sense of Humor)

“Drink Vitamin Water . . . or Blair Waldorf will NOT be your friend.”

After some ridiculously blatant, and completeley obnoxious, product placement / advertising for a company that shall remain nameless SEE ABOVE.  Blair’s Ma and Step-Pa discuss with their daughter plans for her upcoming engagement party.  Specifically, they talk about how they plan to use said party to win over Princess Sophie, and convince her that Blair is, in fact, Princess Material.  When Serena enters the room, Eleanor (who undoubtedly didn’t watch last week’s episode of Gossip Girl.  FOR SHAME, Eleanor!) politely inquires whether Serena will be attending the party in Blair’s honor . . .

“Well, I would love to go.  Unfortunately, I already have plans to have sex with a Guest Star during that time . . .”

Before Serena even has time to formulate an answer, Blair’s got HER response, ready and waiting.  “YOU are not invited.  I’d like to actually be engaged when it’s over.”

Serena can’t, for the life of her, understand why Blair hasn’t forgiven her for attempting multiple times to EMBARASS HER IN FRONT OF A ROYAL FAMILY and TOTALLY RUIN HER LAST CHANCE HAPPINESS.  Talk about holding on to a grudge!  After all it’s been . . .a whole TWO DAYS (maybe?), since this happened!  I mean, come on BLAIR!  What gives?

Of course, Blair’s response to Serena’s whiny / half-assed “I’m sorry” is PURE PERFECTION!  “Like everything else in your life, your apology was underwhelming,” she replies snidely.

Sometimes, I wish I could put Blair Waldorf in my pocket, and keep her there, as I go about my day.  I mean, seriously, how handy would it be to ALWAYS have the perfect nasty remark for EVERY SITUATION?

Speaking of nasty . . .

HEY!  JACK BASS is BACK!

“Hey Raina, do you think there’s any chance your dad would be interested in trading your body for a hotel?”

If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode, Raina called Jack Ass.  It turns out that she wants his help in bringing down Chuck, in order to avenge her mother’s death.  In return for his help, Raina promises Jack Ass the “run of Bass Industries.”  (Now, I’m not entirely sure how SHE can give him this, considering she has NO OWNERSHIP INTEREST WHATSOEVER in the company.  But, no matter!)  Jack Ass, at least initially, seems intrigued by Raina’s offer, but even more intrigued with the notion of breaking into the Thorpe pantalones.  Nate Archibald is not amused .  . .

Always a PRO at being extremely creepy, and Dirty Old Man-esque, but still oddly sexy playing both sides, Jack schedules a meeting with Papa Thorpe, and cuts a deal with HIM too.  Jack Ass promises to personally bring down Chuck Bass, in exchange for a boatload of money.  He also plans to give Russell the one piece of furniture he wishes to “inherit’ from Bart Bass, a key to the dead guy’s old lockbox, which, as we know, is currently located in Chuck’s hotel apartment.

JACK:  “Hey Russell, would you be interested in having sex with me, in exchange for a hotel?”

RUSSELL:  “You don’t OWN any hotels.”

JACK:  “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?”

A Word of Warning (a LOOK of Eye-Fucking)

CHUCK:  “I’m truly sorry for what I did to you, Blair.  It was awful.  And there are no excuses for it.”

BLAIR:  “It’s OK, Chuck.  I get it.  You aren’t a Bad Guy.  You are just written that way, sometimes . . .”

While taking a leisurely city stroll with Louis, and a slightly less acerbic than usual Princess Sophie, Blair spies Jack Ass in the distance.   Knowing trouble when she sees it, the Queen B makes some lame excuse to leave the Royals, so that she can f*&k warn Chuck . . .

“Princess Sophie, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you.  Are you genuinely this miserable all the time, or do your daily Botox injections simply prevent you from smiling?”

Surprisingly more astute than her own son, on matters concerning his fiance, Princess Sophie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl regularly) informs Louis that he should follow Blair, to make sure that she isn’t lying to him, and secretly meeting Chuck behind Louis’ back . . . which . . . of course, she TOTALLY IS!

Since Chuck and Blair will ALWAYS be connected in some way, even when they are not technically together, Blair instantly knows that she will be able to find Chuck on the rooftop of his hotel . . .

Please!  Don’t jump!  The Raccoon Zombie has been fired from Gossip Girl.  She will never eat our trash again!”

“You finally came to your senses,” says Chuck. 

And though Chuck’s eyes lit up in such a beautiful way, upon seeing the woman he loves, that, under any other circumstances, this moment would have melted my heart, the fact that Chuck said THIS made me want to throw my sneakers at the television screen!  Came to HER SENSES?  Because, just two(?) days after your earning of a Gold Medal in Olympic Wall Punching / Glass Breaking, she’s “finally” willing to talk to you?

Come on, Chuck!  Even NATE thinks that was a douchbag thing to say.  And he’s a total moron!

It’s almost as if Chuck and Serena both coordinated their outfits for the episode, so that they could both be wearing Matching Cloaks of Selfish Entitlement, the first time each spoke with Blair.  “You have no idea what I’ve been going through, since that night,” Chuck explains.    (What YOU’VE been going through, Chuck?   Oh honey!  Someone needs a “How Not to F*&k Up” lesson in Blair wooing STAT!)

In terms of their actual conversation, Blair simply warns Chuck that his Evil Uncle is back in town, and then leaves . . .

But, thanks largely to Ed Westwick’s and Leighton Meester’s superb acting skills, fans can see there is so much more to this reunion than “meets the ear.’  Both Chuck and Blair look at one another with longing, sadness, hope, and the fear of losing their one true love forever.  It’s a simple scene, but one that is both quietly moving, and packs an emotional wallop, as well.

Not surprisingly, Blair is seen leaving the Empire Hotel, by the ONE person who shouldn’t be seeing such things . . .

 

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“Every move you make . . . every vow you break . . . every smile you fake . . . every claim you stake .  . . I’ll be WATCHING YOU!”

Speaking of people who need to be watched . . .

Charlie and the Choco-NUTS Factory

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You’ve really gotta hand it to Rufus Humphrey!  He does the “bewildered and frightened because my son might be screwing a homicidal maniac” look like NOBODY’s BUSINESS . . .

GG fans were blessed with Rufus’ hilarious facial expressions TWICE this episode.   The first time was when he noticed an EMPTY bottle of Charlie’s Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pills, and figured out that she had stopped refilling them.  The second time was after Charlie DID have the pills refilled, but he found them dumped out in the trash can, along with the once-again empty Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pill bottle.

Meanwhile, Charlie has no clue what to wear to the Charity Ball.  And Serena (who TOTALLY freaked out at the notion of Blair kissing Dan once, but, oddly enough, seems not the least bit threatened by Charlie’s “puppy dog” rabid pitbull crush on the guy) suggests that Charlie demand access to, and raid, her personal trust fund, in order to purchase a suitable dress . . .  Gotta love the priorities on this show!

“Ahhh . . . the joys of coming from a filthy rich family, and, never, ever having to work, or have any ambition, whatsoever.”

Charlie follows Serena’s suggestion, and comes back with a suitably expensive dress.  Unfortunately, we never get to see it.  Charlie takes ONE look at a picture of Serena necking with Dan Humpty Dumpty, in the Special Gold Dress that Serena wore during her cotillion, and suddenly, all the circuits short in her brain . . .

Charlie arrives at  Blair’s engagement party looking EXACTLY like Serena van der Woodsen, circa 2007!  And when Serena calls her out on it, part of me is REALLY hoping for a TOTAL Catfight . . .

But alas, Doofus Dan TOTALLY sticks up for Charlie, and takes her to Constance Billard Academy for the Charity Event.  It is there, in the Headmistress’ office, behind closed doors, that THIS happens . . .

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There’s nothing like learning that your new Psycho Girlfriend wants to SWITCH IDENTITIES with your old (Also Kind of Psycho, but in a more normal way) Girlfriend to RUIN THE MOOD!  I guess Serena and Manessa, were right about this one, after all, huh Dan?  (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)

Meanwhile . . .

Show me all your PARTS, Blair!  (Especially the dirty ones.)

So, when I found out we were going to be dating, I rented the first three seasons of Gossip Girl.  It looks like you enjoy having kinky sex in strange places.  What are your thoughts about having not-particularly-kinky sex in a castle?  If you want, Princess Sophie can WATCH!”

Upon hearing the good news that Princess Sophie has conveniently deemed Blair an acceptable princess for Louis.  (She and Cyrus Rose apparently bonded over a love of birds (?)) . . .

Louis confronts Blair about her little Rooftop Rendezvous with Chuck.  Matching the small scar on Blair’s face with the bandage on Chuck’s hand, Louis puts two and two together, and figures out that Blair Waldorf has some SERIOUSLY dirty little secrets in her closet.  Louis insists that Blair confess her sins secrets to him.  (Why doesn’t he just look them up on Gossip Girl, like his MOM did?)  “If you want us to work, you need to show me everything,” Louis pleads.  “All of your parts .  . . even the ones you are ashamed of.”

Louis and Blair then proceed to makeout . . .

.  . . but not before he gives her an ultimatum.  “Show up at [the Constance Billard Charity Ball], only if you are willing to share your life with me.”

“Geez, dude!  I don’t have time to tell you ALL that!  Just read the books, and be done with it!”

Of course, Blair recognizes that there is only ONE person who loves her for all her Dark and Twisty Parts, as well as her Light and Fluffy ONES.  After all, HE is JUST as dark and twisty as she is . . .

Blair worries that Louis won’t love her anymore, when he learns how much she enjoys sex games, limo sex, and weird black and white movie dreams.  And, of course, the person to whom she chooses to confess all this to is . . . wait for it . . . Cyrus Rose!

“If you would excuse me, for a moment, Blair.  I have . . . ah .  . . a hotdog that needs squeezing.”

Despite being, perhaps, inappropriately turned on by his stepdaughter’s words, Cyrus sweetly convinces Blair to come clean to Louis about her DARKSIDE.  The problem, of course, is that Blair might not make it to the party in time . . .

Russell Gets Burned . . . So he BURNS Someone Else . . .

Who would have thought these three would end up forming the PERFECT Bromantic Trio?

As he had earlier promised to Russell Thorpe, Jack Ass (along with Nate?) confronts a seemingly inebriated Chuck Bass, claiming him to be insane, for what he did to Blair (among other things), and wanting to ship him off to rehab .  . .

Chuck puts on a jolly good show, screaming like a loon, and beating up on both Jack Ass and Nate . . .

CATHARSIS!

“After everything you’ve done to me, I’d be insane NOT to want to beat YOU,” Chuck exclaims.  (And he’s kind of got a point there . . .)

Eventually, Jack Ass’s goons cart Chuck away . . . (or do they?)  Jack Ass then tosses Russell the key to the lockbox he had requested. 

But when Russell returns to the Empire Hotel to search the box, Chuck, Nate, Jack Ass, and some cops are right outside waiting for Russell.  And it is . . . AWESOME!

It’s genuinely nice to know that Jack Ass doesn’t TOTALLY live up to his name.  And that, while he may be willing to buy his nephew’s girlfriend, in exchange for a hotel .  . .

 . . . he’s not quite willing to sell out his own flesh and blood for Russell Thorpoop.  Low and behold, Chuck Bass now magically has footage of Russell locking up the burned down hotel, and leaving his OWN wife in there to DIE . . . all because she wanted to dump him for Bart Bass . . .

“I know . . . I’m such a stud.”

Apparently, BART was the one Russell meant to be killed in the fire, not Avery.  And yet, BART agreed to keep things quiet about the murder, because HE felt partly responsible.  (OK . . .  so basically BART BASS saved YOUR ASS, RUSSELL THORPOOP, and yet, you STILL wanted revenge on his son!  What an Asshat, you are!)

BUSTED!

Seriously Thorpoop!  When BART BASS comes out looking like the Good Guy in a situation, you’ve gotta know you are Pretty F*&king AWFUL human being! 

But, lest things start getting too maudlin, you can always count on Jack Ass to provide some comic relief . . .

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You’ve really gotta love characters who (1) know that what’s going on around them is just completely ridiculous; and (2) seem to understand, instinctively that they are on a TV show, and that none of this really matters.  Jack Bass is CLEARLY one of these characters.  Other, Fabulous Jack Ass gems uncovered, during this episode, include: 

 “Can we call the cops already, so that we can leave.  I’m hungry and all you appear to have in your fridge are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.”

AND

“I can’t choose my entre with Hallmark Hall of Fame playing in the background.  I’m calling the cops.”

DUDE!  I’m keeping this guy in my pocket too!  (But not in the same pocket I’m keeping Blair in.  I don’t want ANY funny stuff, going on in my pants!)

Mommy wants herself some Jack Ass! 

Being the benevolent soul he is, Chuck refuses to take Russell’s company from him, even though it is offered to him, by the desperate loser, who seems more worried that his daughter will find out that he’s a Sadistic Psycho Liller than anything else.  Chuck promises not to tell Raina that her dad killed her mom, provided Russell leave town and never come back. 

With Thorpoop out of the picture, Chuck bids a fond farewell to his Fun Uncle . . .

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All together now:  “Awwwwwww!”

 . . . and heads off to Constance Billard to, in his words, “make sure the nice guy doesn’t win.”  You’ve really gotta hand it to Chuck, I mean here’s a guy who makes no bones about who he is, or what he wants.  And what he wants is THIS . . .

That being said, it really is a shame that Prince Louis ended up being SUCH A NICE GUY .  . . because I suspect even the staunchest of Chair fans are going to feel a bit bad for him, when he inevitably loses the girl . . .

Wrong place, wrong SHIP, buddy!

Two people who will certainly NOT be feeling bad for Louis, however, are Mini Blair and Serena.  (Remember them?)  When Chuck arrives at Constance Billard, these two girls have some words of encouragement for their Male Idol . . .

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“I knew he wouldn’t give up on her.”

As for Blair, she’s on her way to Constance Billard too.  The question is, will she get there in time?

The Part Where Nate Opens his Big Fat Trap and RUINS Everything (Then again, maybe not .  . .)

NATE:  “So, it’s been less an a full episode, since you and I made Chuck’s life miserable. What can we do?”

RAINA:  “Let’s send my father off the deep end, and try to get Blair Waldorf killed.”

NATE:  “Great idea!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

RAINA:  “You tend not to think of anything at all, except for sex and reefers.”

NATE:  “You know me so well . . .”

So, remember when Russell made Chuck promise not to tell Raina that he was O.J. Simpson’s Doppelganger?  It turns out he should have extended the request to EVERYBODY in the room.  Because, of course, Nate just CAN’T WAIT to tell Raina that her father killed her mother. . .  just like he couldn’t wait to tell Raina that CHUCK’S DAD killed her mother, LAST WEEK. 

 In the limo, on the way to Constance Billard, a blubbering Raina confronts her father, and cuts him out of her life for the SECOND time in about two weeks.  (You would think he would be used to this by now.)

“Please Lord, let this interminable storyline be over!”

“Ha ha, that’s what YOU think!”

His reputation tarnished, his daughter having abandoned him again even though I don’t think she ever UN abandoned him, from the first time, Russell feels he has absolutely nothing to lose.  And for the second time this hour, a character’s brain short circuits .  . .

Russell calls Blair, pretending that Chuck wants to jump off the roof of his Hotel, and is asking for her.  Thanks to Russell, Blair rushes immediately to Chuck’s aid.  In doing so, of course, she neglects to visit Louis at Constance Billard, so that they can have their all-important “talk.” 

It’s official.  Crazy Russell is Team Chair!  The problem is, he also seems to want Blair DEAD, as a way of getting vengeance on Chuck for ruining his life.  (Because, remember, as Jack Ass said earlier in the episode, “Nothing sends Chuck Bass off the deep end faster than losing Blair Waldorf.”) 

So, basically, the episode ends with Blair alone on the roof with that Wackadoo Russell Thorpoop . . .

And if you think that Blair is actually going to DIE, than I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.00.   Still, it’s a pretty cool cliffhanger right?  You can check out the promo for next week’s installment of Gossip Girl here . . .

Until then . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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CinderWaldorf and Chuck Bashed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s ‘The Princesses and the Frog”

SERENA:  “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”

CHUCK:  “Oh, wow!  Today is Character Assassination Day.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me.  How are you going to spend it, Serena?”

SERENA:  “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”

CHUCK: “Wow.  That’s good!  I hate you already.”

SERENA: “I know, right?  How are YOU going to celebrate?”

CHUCK:  “I’m considering getting wasted,  pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”

SERENA:  “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”

*Sigh*  Oh, Chuck Bass!  I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!

All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT!  Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink.  All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .

 . . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .

But NOOOOOO!  The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters.  Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone. 

It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple.  Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .

“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my .  . . Cheerios.”

But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode!  (See?  Trying to stay positive here . . .)  On to the recap!

“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T.  (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”

BLAIR:  “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast?  I mean, I really hardly know you.  And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”

LOUIS:  (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent)  “Of course, not Claire!  I love you, more than life itself.  And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”

BLAIR:  “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”

LOUIS: “Really?  Oops.”

After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .

“Take that, Kate Middleton!”

They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another.  (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)

Good job, Louis!  Kiss her and shut her up!

Roommate Serena grins and bears this.  But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.

“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO!  Mwah-ha-ha!”

Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!

“LOUIS!  You stop having fun, this INSTANT!  Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time!  Look at me!  The last time I smiled I was two-months old.  And that was only because I had gas.”

After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip.  FOR SHAME, SERENA!

“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son.  Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry?  Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”

Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl? 

Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing.  As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest.  You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW. 

OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?

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Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t.  It REALLY HAPPENS!  Go figure!

But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses!  He wants Blair!  Now, all Blair has  to do is convince her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball.  Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself! 

There’s just one problem . . .

As it turns out the Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day.  By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl.  Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER  (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .

EWWWWWW!

. . .  having a pregnancy scare  (COME ON!  Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .

. . . and dancing at a Burlesque Club . . .

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Come on, now!  THAT was awesome!

But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.”  So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!

Huh?

After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right?  Or DOES SHE?

Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball.  As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.

On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever.  On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”

BLAIR:   “Is there a knife in my dress?”

SERENA:  “Not in the front.  Turn around.  Let me see the back.”

Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .

Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )

*sings*  “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, hey, hey, hey GOODBYE!”

Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO?  I believe I did!  And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE!  Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!

Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .

“What can I say?  Ladies love Rufus H!”

All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!

Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall.  Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.  (Because Charlie pushed him.)

Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet.  But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .

 Charlie . . . in about 20 years.

But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .

Apparently, Manessa is leaving the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.”  (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)

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But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.”  (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa?  The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU and, maybe, Georgina Sparks .  . . and, of course, Charlie.)  So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .

 . . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.

When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.”  (Famous last words, right?) 

“Friends can still f*&k, right?”

Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer.  OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!

Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.

Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner.  But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .

“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”

Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere.  Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan.  Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown.  But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE. 

“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat.  But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”

As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients.  But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her.  And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .

Case in point . . .

Well, played Lunatic Charlie!  You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!

Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .

Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .

 . . . (not that anyone really cares).

Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .

Raina the Complain-a

“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit?  BE INTERESTED (or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).” 

So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama.  And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search.   Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result.  And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . .  (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)

So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done.  But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina.  He’d much prefer to have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .

“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”

Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”

Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair.  But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T!  That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things.  It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide.  It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed.   It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.

I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS!  Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .

BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .

Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah.  Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”

“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”

Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .

“Is this because you’re on your period?”

Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum:  “ME or CHUCK!”

So, Nate leaves . . .  (Wouldn’t you?)

Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand.  He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .

Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .

You Peed on My Fairytale!

“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this.  That’s what the teleprompter is for.”

After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .

 . . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .

Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”

At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .

“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead?  So, sorry to hear about that.”

Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode.  And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him.  But Chuck will NOT be stopped.  He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”

Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .

Oh, yeah!  They went there!

Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake.  Security ends up having to drag him out of the party.  A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.

Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .

“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”

A Decent Proposal

“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit?  Engagement rings are SO this century!”

Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.

Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .

Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty.  The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck. 

Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .

Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life.  He never thought he would be able to marry for love.  And now he can marry a total and complete stranger!  Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him.  And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her.  (Really?  Because I wouldn’t.) 

So, he gets on his knee and proposes.  But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .

Everything Turns to Crap . . .

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“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment.  “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads.  “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you.  That’s why you came back to me.”

Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal.  It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no.  But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly.  And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications.   Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER.  “You’re mine,” he say decisively.

“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.

 

“You’ll never be with anyone else but me.  The only thing that is real to me is you.”

There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness.  Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her.  But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene.  All we see in Chuck is FEAR:  the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.

And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall.  And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere.  Tragically,  Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .

As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.

  (WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE?  WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous?   My name is Nate.”

Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize.  “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine.  (How romantic!)

But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.

Here we go again . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!).  She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news.   Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal.  She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .

For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life.  But enough about me.  I want to know about YOU! 

Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota?  How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife?  Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am?  And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you?  Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?

Until next time . . .  XOXO. 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The French (Kissing) Connection – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Petty in Pink”

“Help!  My sideburns are eating my face!”

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This was quite a big episode for Dan Humphrey.  In the course of an hour he: (1) was unknowingly hired by a royal family to stalk a prince; (2) became Blair Waldorf’s faux public boyfriend  . . . for about two minutes; (3) lost Serena as a friend (also probably for about two minutes); (4) FINALLY kicked Mannessa to the  curb (YIPPEE!); and (5) became the unwitting target for Gossip Girl’s 25th Future Psycho Stalker Guest Star.  Hold on to your Hot Dog, Humphrey!  Because you’re going to need it . . .

DAN HUMPHREY’S WEINER:  “I haven’t gotten this much play, since that “Threesome Episode,” last season!”

And yet, for all the action Dan’s Ding-a-Ling got this week, “Petty in Pink” was actually Blair Waldorf’s episode.  After spending three seasons on the Every Loves Serena show, Blair is finally getting a chance to shine.  For once, Blair is the one with three boys in love with her at the same time.  SHE’S the girl kissing boys, like it’s going out of style.  And when the cheap CGI graphics SPARKLE across the screen, making you feel like you are watching your parent’s poorly-made wedding video, it’s Blair’s face that’s getting framed by their tacky light.

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But I am getting WAY ahead of myself here!  So, let’s get on with the recap . . .

A Secret Rendezvous

“Voulezvous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”

Remember Prince Louie, Blair’s plot device  temporary distraction from Chuck  royal boyfriend, with whom she had a tepid, not particularly well fleshed out relationship whirlwind romance, during her exotic summer in Paris, early this season?  Well, he’s BAAAACK!  As luck would have it, those three scenes few weeks Blair spent with the prince have CHANGED HIS LIFE! 

In fact, during all those weeks that Blair was busy doing this . . .

and this . . .

and even some of this . . .

Poor Prince Louie has been doing nothing but eating croissants, and THINKING ABOUT BLAIR!

“Pathetic . . . aren’t I?”

So captivated is this Prince by our Queen B, that he is seemingly willing to drop EVERYTHING, and RISK HIS ROYAL TITLE, to sneak across the country and spend time with his American Fling the True Love of His Life.  Blair (who I love to pieces, but, let’s face it, modesty isn’t exactly her strongest quality) sees absolutely nothing at all strange about this.  And so she plans her weekend with the Prince, during which she plans to show him the finest things Manhattan has to offer!

“So, I was thinking I would take you to Times Square.  They have this little store their that sells nothing but William and Kate Wedding Memorabilia . . . hint, hint.”

But then Louis informs her that his visit to NYC has to be a secret.  And so  Blair can no longer take Louis to the Best Manhattan has to offer.  Instead, she will take him to places where no elite Manhattanite has gone before: a.k.a. Dan Humphrey’s Hipster Hangouts.

“I don’t find Five-Star restaurants to be sufficiently intellectually stimulating.  Now, Starbucks, on the other hand, that’s a breeding ground for Genius!”

I had to giggle a bit when Blair’s minions arrived for their daily instructions.  Blair informed them that she wouldn’t be attending classes that day.  So, they should take notes on her behalf.

“But finals are just days away,” notes the Blonde Minion, who’s name I never bothered to learn.

Yes, because when you are Blair Waldorf,  attending a prestigious Ivy League school like Columbia University, is just a footnote to your fabulous life of partying, scheming, and bedding princes.  Remember a few seasons back, when Blair was the most conscientious student on a CW show, in that she actually (gasp) went to class, and studied?  *Sigh*  Those were the days!

Academics are SO last season!

Speaking of so-called “conscientious students” who suddenly never seem to go to class, and spend all their time on the Upper East Side, even though they attend school downtown at NYU, Dan Humphrey has just been called on for a “journalism job,” for which he never actually applied.    For those of you keeping track, Dan’s published writing credits thus far include a love story about Serena (snooze) that miraculously appeared in the New Yorker . . .

Dan is just as shocked as you are . . .

 . . . and a *stifles a laugh* fashion piece that Dan ghost wrote for the W magazine blog, back when Blair was it’s assistant editor for about 10 minutes.  Nevertheless, SOMEONE found out Prince Louis is in town and has hired Dan to stalk him, and write a press piece about the Royal French Fry’s “princely” time in the Empire State.

Speaking of stalking . . .

“Golly gee, Serena!  This thing called the ‘Internet’ is really fascinating.  Can I really use it to watch people have sex?”

 . . . Serena has just got word from the EEEEVVVILL Manessa, that Blair and Dan have recently learned what eachother’s tongues taste like.  So, of course, rather than (gasp) ask her friends directly whether they’ve been “eating hot dogs” together, Serena decides to send her “naive and innocent” cousin Charlie out on a little recognizance mission to dig up some dirt . . .

Are you wondering whether ludicrous misunderstandings, ridiculous coincidences, and crazy hijinks are about to ensue?  YOU BET THEY ARE!

But before we “go there,” let’s get the two mostly lame and kind of irrelevant secondary storylines out of the way, shall we?

Mother, Where Art Thou?

Poor Raina Thorpe!  She never has any remotely interesting storylines on this show has just been massively betrayed by her father, and now feels more lost than ever.  Suddenly, because it is convenient to the plot  she REALLY wants to find her birth mother.  Raina has hired a private investigator to find this woman, who she knows of only as “Avery Thorpe.”  Said investigator has been sent off, armed with Raina’s birth certificant and some of that Thorpe Trust Fund Money. 

One interesting thing I noticed about Raina’s birth certificate was that it said she was born in 1985, making her either 25 or 26, depending on the month she was born.  This also makes her somewhere between 5 and 7 years older than BOTH Chuck and Nate (who are supposed to be either 19 or 20, I gather).  Way to rob the cradle, Raina!  (Not that we can blame her . . .)

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Raina’s sudden curiosity over her mother’s whereabouts certainly do not bode well for Chuck, who is not only coping with the very temporary loss of his true love, Blair, but also with the notion that his DAD MAY HAVE ACTUALLY KILLED RAINA’S MOM (by burning down a hotel, while she was in it)!

Is it any wonder than, that Chuck finds himself drowning his sorrows in a Liquid Breakfast?

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NATE:  “Single malt for breakfast?”

CHUCK:  “Takes the edge off the coke.”

In addition to having recently gone through his own rather painful Faux Mama from the Train Fiasco, Chuck, of course, doesn’t want Raina to find out about his father’s possible role in her mother’s demise.  And so, he cautions Raina against searching for her birth mother, while, at the same time, hiring his own private investigator to research what happened the night of the hotel fire.

“Yawn.  I’d really much rather be in BLAIR’S storyline, than this one.”

When Raina’s private investigator actually finds a waitress in New Jersey named Avery Thorpe, who is about the age Raina’s mother would be right now, both Chuck and Nate offer to accompany her on the trip for support.  (After all, the SCARY middle-class world of New Jersey diners is not somewhere an upper class gal, like Raina, should have to go alone. 🙂 )

“I can’t BELIEVE there’s no valet parking here!  What kind of effed up place is this, anyway?”

But alas, “Avery Thorpe: Waitress Extraordinaire” claims that she never had children. 

Chuck, of course, suggests that Raina stop her Parental Unit Search immediately, so that she can avoid hating his guts in the very near future experiencing any further pain and heartache.  But “pain and heartache” is Nate’s Middle Name!  After all, his dad is Captain Coke Head, and his Mom is a Major B*tch!  He also gets all of the WORST storylines on Gossip Girl, despite being insanely attractive.  So, Nate tells Raina to keep on looking.  At his wits end, Chuck FINALLY confides in Nate, as to why he has been so adamant that Raina NOT find her birth mom.

CHUCK (to Nate):  “I need a hug.”

The episode ends with Chuck’s private investigator informing him that SOMEHOW video footage STILL exists of Raina’s mom fighting with Bart Bass, shortly before she entered into the hotel building that eventually caught fire.  Avery Thorpe was never heard from again. 

Geez!  With all that EXTREMELY DAMNING evidence of the death of a VERY WEALTHY AND POWERFUL PERSON, you would THINK someone would have pieced this information together, 20-or-so years ago, rather than waiting until now to do it?  But that would be logical.  And logic and Gossip Girl don’t ever always mix . . .

One thing’s for sure though, when Raina finds this out, our Main Man, Chuck Bass,  “has some ‘splaining to do!”

Bart Bass:  Ruining Chuck’s life since the early 90’s (And, now, he’s doing from it Beyond the Grave.  Talk about impressive!)

In other Parental Unit News . . .

This Ankle Monitor Was Made for Walkin’ . . .

These days, EVERYBODY who’s ANYBODY is wearing one!

Poor Lily van der Woodsen!  As it turns out, it’s hard out there for an Upper East Side Convict, particularly one who’s still deluded enough to think she’s still part of Manhattan’s Elite.  All Lily wanted to do was help make the gift bags for the Episode Party of the Week Pink Party.  But, alas, that evil wench, Mama Archibald, who only consorts with convicts in her own bedroom, doesn’t want Lily’s jailhouse cooties all over her spa gift certificates, face creams, and vastly overpriced sunglasses.  So, she takes them to the Trump’s house instead.  (Gotta love, Gossip Girl’s shameless name dropping!)

*sings* “Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  I guess I’ll have to go eat worms . .  . or caviar.”

Not wanting Mommy to feel too lousy about being a hardened criminal, Serena, Rufus and Eric blackmail some random doorman who made out with Serena once (Seriously, who HASN’T made out with Serena, at least once?) to get the party moved to Lily’s HOUSE, so she can attend.  (Riiiight, those Upper East Side snobs didn’t want Lily to TOUCH their gift bags.  But surely they won’t mind sitting on her couch and using her toilet!)

“I think you’re scum.  But my coke dealing husband and I would very much like to have sex in your bedroom.”

Having FINALLY realized what asshats her Botoxed B*tchy Upper East Side pals have always been, Lily makes me SUPER proud of her, by intentionally setting off her anklet, so the local police can crash her Pink Benefit, and kick everybody out of her house.  (I just hope all the money they raised, still went to curing cancer . . . or whatever.)  Toward the end of the episode, Lily decides she would much rather spend nine months under House Arrest alone with Rufus Humphrey, than attend swank parties with  INTERESTING people . . .

To each his own, I guess . . .

But enough of that.  Let’s get back to the MAIN EVENT!

Do you see a Humphrey?

Dan tracks Prince Louie down at an East Village restaurant called Veselka, where the latter is supposed to meet Blair.  Little does Dan know, he TOO is being followed . . .

“Wow Dan!  This picture of you will look perfect, next to the other 162 I already have hanging over my bed.”

Blair arrives on the scene and exchanges some brief snarkeries with Dan about how he shouldn’t mess up her “date.”  Dan generously agrees to not be a Cock Block.  But when Dan witnesses Blair exchanging smoochies with the same prince he’s been stalking all morning, Dan reluctantly realizes that his career as a Sleezy Tabloid Journalist is over, before it even began . . .

“Rats!  I guess I will have to settle for being a TV Recapper, instead.”

Dan leaves immediately to quit his “job.”  But of course, Future Psycho Stalker Charlie conveniently had her back turned when Dan left.  All she saw was Blair meeting Dan at a downtown restaurant that she doesn’t typically frequent.  Charlie tells Serena as much . . .

“That hussy!  I bet she’s eating CARBS there too!  You think you know a person!”

Wanting to catch her so-called bestie in an act of betrayal (“We were on a break!”  Dan says.), Serena rushes downtown, as fast as her personal chauffeur can carry her.  Once she is there, however, she encounters NOT Blair and Dan, but Blair and Louis.

Friend Stalking – FAIL!

Serena tries to play it cool, but ends up making sort of an ass of herself.  After all, what the heck would Serena be doing at downtown restaurant alone, aside from spying on her friend . . . She NEVER EATS!

Outside the restaurant, Serena gives her dopey little pet Charlie, a condescending pat on the head, telling her that it was “totally” understandable that she mistook Dan for Louis.  After all, with the exception of Chuck Bass and Eric van der Woodsen, every boy on this show looks EXACTLY ALIKE! 

But Charlie is not giving up!  She knows what she SAW, dammit!  And she is determined to catch Dan and Blair in the act, even if she has to hide in Dan’s bed for an entire week to do it!

Crazy, crazy train.  CHOO CHOO!

Louis, Louis . . . OH BABY!  I SAID, “WE GOTTA GO.”

Dopey Dan!  When he quit his “job” stalking Louis, citing a puppydog crush on Blair conflict of interest, he inadvertently told his “boss” (who actually worked for the royal family, and was just using Dan to get information as to Louis’ whereabouts) about Louis dating the, only royal by Upper East Side Standards, Queen B. 

As a result of Dan’s screw up, Louis’ advisors are going to pick him up from the states, and force him to return to Paris where he belongs

“Oops!  Did I do that?”

Now, I suspect we are supposed to believe that Louis is terribly upset about this predicament.  But something about the monotone manner in which he reads his lines (Perhaps, it’s a language barrier thing?) tells me he can care less.  I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust this Louis-Louis.  Not one bit!

Anyway, Blair is super pissed at Dan, for what he did.  And she isn’t shy about telling him so.  “You should have been suspicious the minute someone offered to pay you for your writing!”  Blair scolds.  (Blair ROCKS!)

But not to worry Louis Fans (all three of you)!  Blair has a ridiculously dumb plan to rescue her “French Connection.”  Dan and Blair will make out in front of Louis’ handler at (where else?) the Pink Party.  This way, the handler will not think that Louis came to the city to (gasp) “date a commoner,” and will, therefore let him stay.  I think we all already know how this is going to end . . .

The plot thickens (but not by much), when Future Psycho Stalker Charlie snaps a photo of Blair and Dan pink tie shopping for the party, and forwards it to Serena.  Upon seeing the picture, Serena begins to wonder whether Manessa and Charlie were right about Dan and Blair, after all . . .

Kiss and Tell (Gossip Girl)

Blair and Louis both attend the Pink Party together as planned, but enter separately, to keep up the ruse.  When Serena sees Blair, she sicks her Mini Me Charlie on Dan, to see if the Queen B reacts negatively to another woman flirting with the Humping Humphrey. 

(I think you are going to SERIOUSLY regret that move, Serena!  Have you seen the movie The Roommate?  Because I’m willing to bet Charlie has!)

Ummm . . . Serena?  You are at a formal affair.  Why does your hair look like someone erected a bird’s nest in it?

At the same time Charlie begins (very gleefully) flirting with Dan, Louis’ handler arrives.   So, Blair, feigning jealousy,  forcefully pulls Dan away.  (“Let’s not get too handsy!”  Dan warns.)  This, of course, only serves to confirm Serena’s suspicions that these two are secret lovers.  and then THIS happens . . .

And then . . . SURPRISE!  Charlie sees these two putting on their Makeout Show, and sends a video of it to Gossip Girl for everyone to see!  (Man, this psycho learns fast!)

Busted!

“Does you think this picture makes my tongue look fat?”

Not wanting to spoil her little Louis Scheme, Blair is forced to “go public” with her “new relationship’ with Dan Humpty Dumpty.  Of course, when she does this, her minions look at her, as if she just told them she eats puppies .  . .

“I don’t even know who you ARE, anymore!”

Not wanting Serena to get the wrong idea, Blair and Dan rush to tell her the truth.  But, of course, Serena, having COMPLETELY forgotten about the 100 plus times she has stolen Nate from Blair over the years, doesn’t want to listen to reason.  Instead, S just stamps her foot, and cries wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

“You keep getting all the BOYS this season, and I keep getting stuck with the Psycho Blonde Guest Stars, who want to take over my life and kill me!  It’s not FAAAAAAIIIIRRRR, Blair!”

By the way, did no one else find it strange that we didn’t get to see CHUCK’S reaction to the Gossip Girl blast, featuring what he knows was a SECOND Dair kiss?  I feel cheated out of my Chair, GG writers!

Just sayin’.

Confrontations and Coming Out Parties

“Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me, me, me, me, blah.”

Back at the Waldorf Mansion,  Blair and Serena have a fight, during which Blair makes a lot of awesome points, and Serena makes a lot of lame ones.  Granted, Serena starts off strong, by asking Blair, quite rationally, why she didn’t just come out and tell her right away that her and Dan had become friends.  Blair returns a few solid volleys back, by basically telling Serena, that her and Dan do things together that Serena is simply too dumb to enjoy . . . like watching movies that aren’t cartoons or porn . . . and reading.

 “Serena is Stupid jokes are AWESOME!”

But when Blair tries to confide in Serena that she has begun to recognize the “Humphrey Appeal” (whatever that is), Serena accuses Blair of only being interested in Dan because he was Serena’s.

“Oh, hell to the NO!”

Blair replies that Serena is just mad that, for a change, the Brunette, not the Blonde, is the one getting all the male attention.  And though we’ve definitely seen at least 80 variations of this same argument, since this series began four years ago, this time, I have to concur with Blair.  Serena, I’d like to introduce you to Jealousy.  Jealousy, meet Serena . . .

Of course, BLAIR isn’t really the one Serena should be worried about.  Sure, Dan’s got a THANG for the Queen B, as he openly admits later in the episode.  But she’s definitely not pursuing him.  You know who IS pursuing Dan Wants-to-Hump-Alot?   THIS GIRL . . .

“Your head would look so pretty hanging from my ceiling fan . . .”

It wasn’t enough that Charlie singlehandedly ruined Dan’s, Serena’s, and Blair’s friendship, she then had to GO OVER TO DAN’S HOUSE, late at night to apologize.  Then Dan, against his better judgment, invites Cuckoo for Cocoapuffs Charlie into his apartment because . . . well . . . I suspect all that necking with Blair has made him pretty horny?  The one GOOD thing Charlie does in this scene is rat out Manessa for sending intel of Dan’s and Blair’s first kiss to Serena.

The absolute BEST moment of the episode for me, was when the SUPER ANNOYING Vanessa arrives on Dan’s doorstep, and Dan TOTALLY SHUTS HER DOWN, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that they are NO LONGER FRIENDS!

Hey Vanessa . . . Sayonara SUCKA!

Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord . . . Nevermind, let it hit you in the ass! You deserve it!

The episode ends with Louie inexplicably deciding that he NOW wants to go public with his relationship with Blair.  (I’m telling you, I DON’T TRUST THIS GUY . . . AT ALL!)

BLAIR:  “You’re not an evil bloodsucking vampire, are you?  Because this is usually around the time when you tell me you are an evil bloodsucking vampire, and bite my head off.”

In the final scene, Blair and Louie emerge together in public for the first time, and swap royal spit with one another, as flashbulbs go off, and ridiculous diamond sparkle graphics adorn their so-called Love . . .

Next week’s installment of Gossip Girl promises Chuck’s re-entry into the Battle for Blair’s Heart.  “I’m Chuck Bass.  And I’m the Love of Her Life,” we hear Chuck tell some Royal Snob.

“Oh yeah, I’m THAT good.”

Let’s just hope that whole “Enraged Window Punching” thing we saw in the promos doesn’t get in the way of a Good Thing.  (I’m counting on you GG, writers!  PLEASE don’t screw this up again!)

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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