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It’s Lonely on the Inside – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan”

[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY!  I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions.  Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon.  Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time)  There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]

“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”

I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote.  (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.)  Here goes . . . I’m a novelist . . . definitely not a famous one, and, possibly, not even a particularly good one.  But, still I (self) published two novels.

And when I did, everyone who knew I published them, inevitably wanted to know if any of the characters in either of the books was based on them.

This is despite the fact that one of my books was about warlocks, and the other one was about a vampire.  (Not exactly memoirs.)  Once the people in my life found out that the books were NOT about them, their next inevitable SUGGESTION was that I write the NEXT one about them.  To this I would always respond some variation of “HELL NO!”  And this episode of Gossip Girl is precisely why . . .

“This book is like the perfect second child I never had . . . We’re just going to pretend Jenny doesn’t exist, OK?”

Good stories require deeply flawed characters . . . the more flawed the better.  No one wants to read a book filled with Mary Sues.  As a result, writing a GOOD book about your friends is the quickest way to lose them.  It’s as simple as that.  (Besides, all my friends are absolutely perfect, and have no flaws, whatsoever. ;))

It’s TRUE! 

Additionally, from personal experience, I can tell you that most books written by a first time novelist take anywhere from seven months to a year to write, sometimes longer.  I only say this because, despite the fact that Dan the Donut might have claimed that he never planned for anyone to read his book, NO ONE works on something for close to a year, just so they can keep it to themselves .  . . Just sayin  . .  .

“Money?  Fame? GIVE ME MORE, NOW!  EWWWW GROSS!” 

But enough about me.  Let’s talk about “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan.”

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Upper East Siders

We open up the episode with what I believe is the first of many “flashbacks” to scenes from Dan’s book.  The scene features Dan, er, I mean “Dylan,” walking through a sea of old fogey well wishers at his book party, without a friend in sight.

“All by mysellllf (surrounded by old people) . . . don’t wanna be, all by myself (surrounded by old people), anymoreeeeeeee.” 

The REAL Dan wakes from his reverie to hear his new publisher’s assistant babbling on about his upcoming book party, during which he will be revealed as the anonymous author of “Inside.”

“Would you just shut up about my book, for a second, so that I can show you my awesome Elvis impersonation?  Thank you . . . thank you very much.” 

Hmmm . . . so let me get this straight . . . at the end of “Inside” the Dan character publishes a book similar to “Inside,” which is actually similar to the Gossip Girl books, on which the Gossip Girl show is based?

Excuse me, I think my head just popped off trying to wrap my brain around all this . . .

Don’t worry . . . I’ll put it back on . . .

Dan continues to assure the publisher’s assistant that the Dylan character in the book is NOT actually him.  And yet he’s frightened to tell all his friends about the book, because the Dylan character’s friends in the book are almost exactly like THEM, with some key changes.  You know, as the apparent “voice of his generation,” Donut Dan sure isn’t particularly creative, now, is he?  If he REALLY didn’t want his friends and family to know this was a memoir, he might have tried . . . I don’t know . . . being a bit more inventive about his character’s names . . .

“Coming up with character names is HARD.” 

Here are the characters’ in Dan’s book:

Dan Humphrey = Dylan Hunter

Blair Waldorf = Claire Carlyle

Serena VanDerWoodsen = Sabrina VonSomething

Nate Archibald = Derek VonSomething (more on that later)

Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout

No . . . actually . . . you’re Charlie Trout.  Didn’t you read the book? 

For one thing, it would make the inevitable defamation lawsuits a lot easier to defend against . . .

Dan finally relents, and asks for six copies of his book, so that he can deliver them personally to his so-called friends, only some of whom actually know how to read . . .

DOH!

Elsewhere in town, Blair is complaining about her ever-growing pregnancy boobs . . .

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And I have to say, whatever the makeup and wardrobe department are doing with Leighton Meester to make her look pregnant (whether it’s the oddly flat hair, or the tired eyes, or the slightly paler skin, or the not entirely flattering dresses ), it’s WORKING. 🙂  (Don’t worry, Blair!  We still think your gorgeous.  If you weren’t, every single solitary male character on this show wouldn’t be madly in love with you.)

“Yes,  I know.  I’m awesome.” 

Where was I?  Oh yes . . . Blair’s boobs . . . Cue Louis-bot to rise up and fondle said tatas mechanically, as he makes a not particularly funny joke about Blair’s bad moods not being related to pregnancy hormones, since Blair always suffers from mood swings, anyway.  (Real nice, Douche!)

“How else can I make you feel extremely uncomfortable about your pregnancy?  Ooh!  I know, I can squeeze your boobs, while making honking noises.” 

In Louis-bot’s defense, most of the robots I know can barely get through a simple knock-knock joke.  So, are far as cyborgs go, his sense of humor is fairly advanced.

“I am a comedic genius!  (Take that, R2D2!)”

Blair worries that Louis’ parents won’t respond well to her pregnancy, and that she will end up on some trashy reality show, like Unwed and Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed.  (In other news, MTV has just added two new reality shows to its line-up.)  Louis assures her that his parents will be THRILLED that she’s knocked up, since they have always viewed royal women as nothing more than Future-King Making Machines, anyway.  Heaven forbid, she actually gives birth to a girl!  Off with her head!

(Don’t worry!  I won’t post the Decapitation Picture, again!)

Meanwhile, Serena is totally rocking at her job, and completely impressing her new boss.  Clearly, we must have stepped into an Alternate Universe of some sort, where Serena actually has Life Goals.

“Wait a second, did you just call me a smart cookie?  Am I being punked?”

Of course, her most impressive feat is getting Daniel Day Lewis’ people to call her boss back, on possibly starring in a movie, just by sending him flowers with the script, or something.  Yeah . . . something tells me “flowers” wasn’t the only thing Serena sent Daniel Day Lewis.  Then again, maybe “flowers,” is a euphemism for something else . . .

“Hey Mr. Lewis, wanna see my flower?” 

Meanwhile, Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side Diana, and her Flying Monkey Nate (not to be confused with Chuck’s Monkey, of course), are busy plotting World Domination, and raping the cell phones of Manhattan’s elite . . .

“That Anthony Weiner guy is HILARIOUS!” 

Of particular interest to Diana is the cell phone that USED to belong to Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, since she suspects the owner of that cell phone is the key to a BIG story of some sort.  Diana also wishes she had Blair’s and Serena’s phones.  Unfortunately, for her, apparently, there are some things even a Flying Monkey won’t do.  And one of those things is screw over your friends . . . both of whom, coincidentally, Nate has already screwed.

It should come as no surprise to you that my favorite scene in this episode, features none other than that Dynamic Duo,  Chuck and Blair, as they “coincidentally,” meet up with one another, on their way to the Non-Judging Breakfast Club Book Club Meeting Dan has arranged.

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Considering how heartbreakingly poignant, Chuck and Blair’s last meeting was . . .

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 . . .  it was kind of refreshing to see these two former (and future) lovers, reunite, so soon after that epic devastation, and fall right back into the easy comfortable flirtation that embodies their one-of-a-kind relationship.  Of course, Chuck was walking his new best friend, Dan Monkey, at the time.  And watching the three (well, four, if you count Blair’s unborn baby BASS, BASS, IT HAS TO BE A BASS Louis-bot) together, I couldn’t help feeling as though I was looking at the future first branches of the new Bass family tree . . .

“Blair, I know you want to have sex dance with me, but we have to go meet Dopey Dan about his book.”

This becomes even more apparent, when Chuck drops his carefree facade to ask Blair, in earnest, how she is doing.  In response, Blair instinctively clutches her stomach, where her unborn baby lies, before telling him that she is doing well.

“You take good care of that Little Bass-tard.  Do you hear me?”

 The moment is at once, sweet, subtle, and meaningful, as it illustrates the ever-lasting connection between Chuck and Blair, one that supercedes petty jealousies and paternity tests.  At this point in our story, Chuck is convinced that he will never again experience the joy of having Blair as a lover.  And yet he still cares so deeply for her, that he is willing to put his own personal heartache aside, in order to ensure her continued happiness.

Comfortable comraderie and witty banter give way to electric chemistry, and hidden longing, when Monkey starts trying to escape Chuck’s grasp, causing Blair to “accidentally” jump into Chuck’s waiting arms.  The usually confident Chuck is adorably shy in this scene, mumbling something about squirrels, as he tries to reign in his impulse to kiss this beautiful soon-to-married woman on the mouth.

Blair too seems temporarily caught up in the moment, and is a bit breathless, when she finally extracts herself from Chuck’s grasp.

It’s time for Dan’s Big Meeting, where he finally tells everyone (except Chuck, who already knows) that they are the stars of his book.

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Dan wants all of them to read what he wrote in a SINGLE DAY (selfish much?), so that they can decide whether they still like him enough to attend his book party.  At first, we don’t get too many details, except for the tantalizing tidbit that, for some reason we will learn a bit later, Dan has decided to make Nate’s character GAY . . .

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Nate seems surprisingly cool with this, provided his character is portrayed as being highly adept at getting dick.  And if the little clip / daydream / flashback we got of Nate and his LOVER is any indication, our resident boy toy was portrayed faithfully in that regard.  (Though, admittedly, Nate’s book beau does seem about 10 years younger than the people Nate USUALLY dates.)

He IS pretty hot, though . . . 

By the way, watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of THIS . . .

Certain that she will be portrayed horribly in the book, given the pair’s checkered past, Blair is unusually icy and insulting to Dan, even for her.  And if I said this didn’t make my Chair loving heart sing, I’d be lying.

“Cheers!”

She actually calls Dan’s book “America’s Next Doorstop,” (which is pretty clever, by the way).  She also bails on his party, to meet with Louis’ parents, and tells Dan that she’s not even going to read it.  OUCH!

The not-at-all-conceited Serena promises Blair that “everybody loves a villain,” but only because she’s certain Dan will portray her as the perfect little innocent flower that she still honestly believes herself to be.

Speaking of people who live in a bubble, Faux-Charlie somehow convinces Nate that she can find the owner of that phantom cell phone, who is DEFINITELY NOT her, NO SIR!

“I NEED my cell phone back, without it, I’ll never remember what my name is supposed to be today.” 

After the meeting, everyone starts finding out what Dan wrote about them from others, but few of them actually READ the book.  You know . . . because reading is like . . . hard . . . and stuff.  Silly Serena has no qualms about telling her coworkers that she is the real life “Sabrina” in Dan’s book, because, like I said, she’s positive she’s going to come out of this smelling like a rose.  But then, she learns that her character smells more like poo, and wishes she wasn’t so hasty to reveal her identity.

“Sabrina” is slutty, flighty, often drunk, irresponsible, selfish, and self-absorbed.  Now THAT doesn’t sound like anybody WE know, does it?  In fact, “Sabrina” / Serena is apparently portrayed like such a worthless waste of life, that DANIEL DAY LEWIS doesn’t want to work with her BOSS, even though Serena bought him FLOWERS!

Riiiight . . . because famous actors always make their decisions on what movies they plan to do based on how many people the production company assistants for those movies have had sex with!

Complete lack of believability aside, Dan pretty much ruined Serena’s BIG AMAZING TWO WEEK LONG CAREER with his totally true piss poor betrayal of her in his book.

Oops.  Did I do that?” 

You know who else’s life is getting ruined by Dan’s book? BLAIR!   Because Dan apparently used his “memoir” to live out his NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN wet dreams of bedding the Queen Bee.  When Louis-Bot reads this, he TOTALLY malfunctions, believing what he’s read, INSTANTLY, without even asking Blair if it’s true.  (What a loving future husband?  Right?)  This short circuit in his Perfect Prince Microchip causes him to cancel his parents arrival, during which he was supposed to inform them about the pregnancy, and storm off like a toddler, much to Blair’s horror.

“You do realize the douchier you are to me, the shorter your guest star character arc will be.”

Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging out with Chuck and Monkey, while worrying (with good reason) about how everyone is going to react to his book.

I tend to find Dan at his most tolerable, when he’s hanging out with Chuck.  These two are just adorable together.  And I love how utterly non-judgmental Chuck is about . . . well . . . everything!  “Scotch?”  Chuck offers, as Dan cuddles with Monkey (but doesn’t spank his own, thankfully).

“It’s 2 p.m.”  Dan whines.

“Valium then,” Chuck responds coyly.

Dan then notes that while his dad is probably finished with the book, Nate is only page 20.  I actually think that is a harsh assessment.  I think, by this point, Nate probably finished the book, from cover to cover.  Then, once he didn’t find any pictures, he put it away, and went back to reading Curious George.

“Ahhh, Curious George!  I love that little scamp!”

Dan, of course, is wondering why Chuck, of all people, is being so nice to him, considering he KILLED HIM IN THE BOOK!

Oh wait . . . it gets worse.  Do you want to know HOW DAN KILLED CHUCK?  Well, they don’t exactly come out and say it, but based on  context clues, I’d say it has something to do with a little thing called auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I’m not going to describe that to you in depth, because this site has already been labeled as having adult content, without me telling you what that is.  But you can go ahead, and Google it, if you dare.  All you need to know, if that Chuck’s character’s death in the book was “accidental,” even though he SEEMS to have hung himself in his closet by a belt.  (Chuck claims, in real life, he would have used a designer scarf.)  Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, kiddies?

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Don’t cry , Chuck!  We don’t believe anything that bad man said about you!

By the way, was anyone else wondering how DAN came up with the idea to make auto-erotic asphyxiation a plot point?  Hmmm . . .

Anywhoo, Chuck reminds Dan that all success comes at a price, including his own . . . wise sage words, for a guy who’s alter ego is currently hanging in the closet next to the Armani suits . . .

Speaking of “only up to page twenty” Nate, Dan’s assessment of him was actually pretty close to correct, since, instead of reading the book, Nate was busy allowing Faux-Charlie to steal back her own phone from Diana’s office.  This, of course, ultimately led to Diana putting two and two together about who Charlie was, and blackmailing her for information about the Upper East Side crew, in exchange for keeping her secret.  It looks like Diana won’t need Nate to get intel on Blair, Chuck and Serena, after all . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little Ivy / Charlie / Call Me Serena too . . .” 

But back to Nate, I’m starting to think he really might NOT actually be able to read, as Chuck had to explain to him that his alter ego, a gay character named Derek VonSomething, who’s two years younger than the rest of the characters, and Serena’s character’s little brother, is actually much more Eric VanDer Woodsen, then he is Nate Archibald .  . .

“You put me in your book, Dan?  I’m going to get REVENGE on you (but only because I left Gossip Girl to star in a show called REVENGE)!”

I think it’s kind of funny, that Nate’s character is probably the most positively portrayed of all the characters, yet he’s pissed because he has to share him with Eric!  “But I’m YOUR BEST FRIEND!”  Nate whines on the phone to Dan, before his Mommy comes to change his poopy diaper.

This is probably one of the few times during the hour, when I’m actually on DAN’S side.  And when Nate balks at the notion of showing up at his supposed best friend’s book party, I can’t help but kind of wish that Dan hung Nate’s character in a closet, at the end of the novel .  . . well . . . I guess Nate’s character would probably hang OUTSIDE of the closet.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Worst Book Party EVER!

“But Serena, when I said you were flighty and irresponsible, I only meant like 98.6% of the time.  The rest of the time, you’re fabulous.” 

All the poo really hits the fan at Dan’s book signing party, where Serena and Blair confront Dan to rip him a new one for their portrayals in the book.  Then, Dan has to try to stop Louis-bot and Blair for coming to blows with one another over the little Dair sex scene he included therein.  “I thought my suspicions about the two of you were ridiculous.  But, it turns out, the only thing ridiculous is me,” bleats out Louis-bot.

Well, he’s right about one thing.  .  . 

Dan earns some major points with me, by admitting to Louis that said sex never actually happened . . .

And earns some more points, by informing Serena that the world doesn’t revolve around her, when she completely IGNORES the turmoil that HER friend is undoubtedly going through, regarding the impending breakup of her marriage, as a result of this book.  “If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair, and what I did to you, then maybe all that stuff about you in the book actually IS true,” says Dan.

Slight redemption aside, Blair isn’t about to let Dan off the hook so easily for humilating her in this way.  “You better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one,” she tells him.  And then later, she says, “Get it through your head,  There is no US!  There never was!  All we had was friendship!  And now there is not even that.”

“And for the record, Dan Humphrey, I’ve seen FANFICTION writers who are better at writing smut than you.” 

Woah!  Meanwhile, outside, Chuck is calmly trying to hit on the publisher’s assistant, who is really quite awful, isn’t she?  I mean she really knows how to make a person feel like crap.

“The economy is never going to get better.  The world is doomed for all eternity.  And you are going to die, alone and unloved.  And so is your dog.  By the way, my name is Alexandra.  Nice to meet you.”

Alexandra casually remarks about Charlie Trout’s auto-erotic demise, wondering how long he hung in the closet, before anyone found him.  “I have plenty of staff.  I’m sure they would find me rather quickly,” explains Chuck.  “Because . . .”

“Staff . . . not friends and family?  That’s even worse,” replies the EVIL WENCH.

Excuse me?  Do you not realize you are talking to a REAL person about their LIFE, you DESPICABLE SHREW!   You know what, Alexandra?  If YOU were hanging in the closet, something tells me YOUR so-called friends and family would throw a party RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE.

Did I go too far?  Sorry . . . I get very sensitive about my Chuck Bass.

Speaking of Chuck, he totally saves the day (though I kind of wish he didn’t), by rushing out to tell Louis what a MORON he is, for letting go of a girl like Blair . . .

“If you read Dan’s book, you know how I turn out.  You have a chance to be happy, and not end up alone, hanging in a closet.  Don’t give up you’re own fact for someone else’s fiction.”

WOW!  That was really beautiful.  And I must admit, it made me a little teary . . .

You know what else made me teary, when Chuck came to Lily toward the end of the episode, and admitted that he didn’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy anymore, and that he feared that Blair was lost to him forever . . .

I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at Lily for simply AGREEING with him, though.  What is this, Make Chuck Want to Kill Himself Day?

Things start to go slightly better for the OTHER members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, when Serena and Blair share a sweet heart-to-heart, in which Blair FINALLY tells Serena she is pregnant.  And the pair remind us why we’ve always loved their friendship so much, in the first place.  (Yes, I make fun of Serena A LOT.  But I do thoroughly enjoy her friendship with the rest of the GG gang.  See, I’m not a total heartless bastard.)

“You may be flighty, irresponsible, selfish, and slutty, but I LOVE YOU!” 

Then Louis-bot apologizes to Blair, as he always seems to do in the last five minutes of every episode, after he inevitably does something douchey . . .

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It’s not his fault, of course.   This is just how he’s been programmed to behave by the mad scientist who created him . . .

Commence battery recharge . . . 

Then, Serena’s boss tells her that she wants her to get the movie rights to “Inside,” which, honestly, we all should have smelled coming a mile away.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Blakey Lively will play the part of Sabrina?)

I said the Non-Judging Breakfast Club was doing better at the end of the episode, but that doesn’t include Dan.  In fact, Dan’s OWN FATHER is incredibly hurt by HIS portrayal in the novel.  Dan wrote him as a money-grubbing trophy husband,  which, while not entirely false, is actually a quite terrible thing to say about the person who raised you . . .

“I’ll only forgive you, if you get George Clooney to play me in the movie.”

Granted, Rufus never struck me as the smartest dad on the block, but compared to some of the other fathers on teen television, he’s practically a saint.  And he really didn’t deserve this kind of treatment . . .

The episode ends, much like it began, with Dan Humpty Dumpty doomed to follow in his character, Dylan Hunter’s footsteps, loved by the masses,  but still utterly alone.  And because that’s an awfully depressing way to end an episode, I’d like to leave you on a much brighter note . . .

That’s better!

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Read it and Weep – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial”

Sometimes, the greatest love stories can be found in the most unexpected of places . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  In a show that is so often about lies, it was kind of refreshing to experience an episode of Gossip Girl that was actually all about the truth.

Each of our main characters except for Serena had a certain painful truth that plagued them throughout the episode.  Facing up to those truths  could leave them vulnerable to a world of painful consequences, but it could also set them free.  During the hour, we repeatedly wondered how our characters would cope with their specific truths.  Would they embrace them, bravely?  Or become imprisoned by them?  And, perhaps, importantly, would anyone get laid, in the process?

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Oh, come on!  As if it never crossed YOUR mind!

Let’s find out, shall we?

There Once was a Dog Named Monkey (and a Test Named Paternity)

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“Is that you, Jenny Humphrey?  You look . . . different.  Did you do something to your hair?

The odd (but hilarious) little bromance between Dan and Chuck continues, as Dan tries to cure Chuck of his “conversion disorder.”  Dan’s attempts to make Chuck “feel” again, include (1) making him watch Field of Dreams (an admittedly odd choice, but considering that Dan has always struck me as a 50-year old man, stuck in a 19-year old body, I guess we’re supposed to just go with it); and (2) buying him the most adorable little puppy EVER!  Thanks Dan, you’ve officially just made that Mother Chucker even more irresistible than he was before.  I didn’t think was possible . . .

“I’m Chuck Bass’ dog.” 

Chuck, who honestly, never struck me as much of a “dog” person, or an “animal of any kind,” person, for that matter, seems adamantly against the idea of keeping the dog, which, of course, in TV speak, means the canine is pretty much guaranteed to become a series regular . . .

“Oh yeah, I’m getting my SAG Card, b*tches!” 

But Chuck isn’t the only Upper East Sider Dan is trying to cure.  For whatever reason, Dan seems positively OBSESSED with getting Blair to open the results of her paternity test, so that she can FINALLY find out whether Chuck or Louis, is, in fact, her baby daddy.

“Well, it definitely isn’t ME!” 

In fact, Dan is SO interested in the answer to this question, that he and Dorota have been texting eachother like girlfriends, pretty much nonstop, ever since Blair found out she was pregnant.  The two also have been pestering Blair to pick up, and open the results envelope, about every three minutes.  (With friends like these, who needs stalkers?!)

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Actually, I’d say the best part of pregnancy is when cute guys give up their seat on the subway for you . . . but what do I know?

Finally, after cornering Blair on the street, Dan gets the Queen B to pick up her paternity results from the hospital.  But “picking up” the results, and actually opening them are two very different things!  Dan, of course, thinks Blair should rip of the proverbial Baby Daddy band-aid, right away.

DAN: “Would you mind terribly if I read the results out loud, in my best reality game show host voice?  I do a mean, Ryan Seacrest impersonation.”

But Blair manages to buy herself some time.  She reminds her Donut-y friend that she has an important interview with Hello magazine that she does not want to ruin with her eventual tears Inevitably Emotional Baby Discovery.  Dan then reluctantly agrees to back off, until after the interview is over.

“Well, that’s more civilized,” Blair replies, relieved.  “Unlike your hair,” she can’t help but add.  “You look like a muppet.”

Now that she mentions it, Dan does have a bit of a Fozzie Bear thing going for him, doesn’t he?

At the interview, of course, Blair is asked questions about when her and Louis-bot will be starting their half-human, half-cyborg family.  When Blair awkwardly deflects these questions, the interviewer informs her that Louis-bot has answered for her already.  Apparently, during HIS interview, Louis told the folks at Hello magazine that he and Blair were not at all ready for children, and that a family was a LOOOOOONG way off.

“Tell me something, Blair.  Can robot babies be breastfed, or do they only drink out of oil cans?”

Blair, of course, is crushed, not to mention petrified as to what Louis-bot’s response will be, when he finds out a “family” isn’t far off, at all.  Rather, it’s less than nine months away!

“I hope he doesn’t short-circuit, when I tell him.” 

To make matters worse, she receives a blast on Gossip Girl, which features Chuck taking his adorable little puppy back to the pound, a very, non-fatherly thing to do.

“Why is Chuck carrying Jenny Humphrey like that?  Can’t she walk on her own?” 

Convinced that neither of the baby’s potential fathers will be at all pleased to learn of her pregnancy, Blair tears up the paternity results (but not very well), and tosses them in a nearby wastebasket.  (Riiiiight, because no one would EVER find them there!)

“I’ll fold up the results and make them into a paper crane . . . or maybe a stork . . .” 

Blair then decides to go to a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Thingy, where she can walk the catwalk, and continue to be in denial of her expanding waistline , and uncertain Baby Daddy Future . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW household . . .

Welcome to the Mecca of Psychotic Freaks . . .

“Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I KILLED SOMEONE?” 

A very apprehensive Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, and the actual Serena have arrived back home.  Noticing faux-Charlie’s discomfort,  Serena immediately assumes that faux-Charlie is worried that the Upper East Siders won’t accept her, because last time she was here, she was a Total Wackjob, Who Had a Nervous Breakdown, and Pretty Much Single White Female-d Serena.

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Though pretty much anywhere else in the world, these would be fabulous reasons not to accept someone, in the Upper East Side, crazy is apparently what passes for normal.  Just ask Juliet, Georgina, Jenny Humphries, and, yes Serena! Serena describes the UES as a Mecca of Psychotic Freaks and a nervous breakdown as a right of passage.

“Who needs a Sweet 16, when you have your First Trip to the Ostroff Center?” 

Faux-Charlie seems touched by Serena’s seemingly unfailing kindness and acceptance of her, but doesn’t know how long this charade can continue.  Meanwhile, Serena reintroduces faux-Charlie to Blair.  And though the latter doesn’t exactly welcome her with open arms, she doesn’t shun her either, for Serena’s sake.

BLAIR: (through her teeth) “Just keep smiling, and maybe she won’t chop our faces up into teeny tiny pieces, while we sleep.” 

Faux-Charlie is quickly becoming enthralled with the Non Judging Breakfast Club.  And she seems pretty certain that she doesn’t want to return to her old Poor Person’s life, anytime soon . . .

“Seriously, stop bringing stray dogs into this house.  It stopped being cute, when you were about 13 and I realized you were actually sleeping with most of them.” 

But then she overhears Serena talking to her mother, and learns that Carol Rhodes, Charlie’s REAL mother, and the person who hired her to impersonate Charlie, in order to gain access to her trust fund is on the hunt for her, and worse, is returning to the Upper East Side to collect her.   Feeling trapped, faux-Charlie sees no other choice, but to leave town, before she is discovered.  She calls her ex-boyfriend Max, and tells him she will meet him in Seattle, and then hails a cab.

“Now, I know how Cinderella felt when she got turned back into a pumpkin . . . wait . . . I think I got that wrong, somehow.  One of these days, I’m definitely going to learn how to read.”

But Serena finds her outside.  Uh-oh!  Busted!

Thinking fast, faux-Charlie explains that she overheard Serena talking to her mother, and doesn’t want to be any trouble for the VDW’s.  “I just feel like I don’t belong here,” faux Charlie pouts.  (Gee, faux-Charlie, I wonder why that is .  . . could it possibly be because you DON’T?)   Eventually, Serena relents giving faux-Charlie a hug, as she enters the cab.  But then a mischievious glint enters her eyes, and we just KNOW she is up to something.  “Before you go, just do me a favor and return these Tickets for a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Event for me,” Serena says, more or less.

“SUCKER!”

Undoubtedly, feeling a bit guilty for all she has put Serena through, since last season, Faux-Charlie agrees to run this errand for her.

Who knew Serena knew how to be devious?  I always thought that was more Blair’s and Chuck’s forte?

When faux Charlie arrives at the fashion event, she quickly learns that Serena has arranged for HER to walk the runway in Serena’s place, despite the fact that Charlie is about a FOOT shorter than Serena, and could never, ever, EVER fit into her dress.  On the dress Charlie is supposed to wear is a note that she should “live out her dreams.”

“Would you like some wine with that cheesiness?” 

While preparing to walk the runway, faux-Charlie has an encounter with Blair, who, upon hearing that faux-Charlie is planning to leave, tells her that she should live the life that she wants.

“Yes, Faux-Charlie, live the life that you want, even if it just happens to be someone else’s life.  I don’t about you, but I’ve always found identity theft to be SUPER inspiring . . .”

Little does Blair know that her small words of encouragement give birth to a monster.  When Carol Rhodes arrives at the fashion event to chase faux-Charlie out of town (She was alerted to faux-Charlie’s deeds, upon finding her canceled check, from last week’s episode), Faux Charlie threatens HER, claiming that if she doesn’t let her assume Charlie’s life, Faux-Charlie will reveal all of Carol Rhodes’ monkey getting schemes, and bring HER down, right along with her.  “This family that you HATE, has been kinder to me than my real family ever was,” Faux Charlie insists.

“You mean, you actually have a family?  This whole time I thought you were raised by Keebler Elves.”

Toward the end of the episode, Charlie moves back into the VDW house, with a newly non-house arrested Lily and Rufus.  Her and Carol share a cold hug, on Carol’s way out, “You are on your own now,” Carol tells her ominously.

 . . . errr . . . I mean . . . my Charlie . . . oh . . . I mean . . . my Ivy, or whatever the f*&k you’re calling yourself these days . . .

Good luck, Faux Charlie!  Something tells me you are going to need it, if you want to keep up this charade for the foreseeable future . . .

Speaking of those who aren’t sufficiently devious (or smart) . . .

Journalism for Dummies (like Nate)

“I liked you so much better, when I was banging you in my front yard.”

Today is Nate’s first day on the job as a “serious journalist.”  Poor Naive Nate.  He genuinely believes that Diana has hired him for his brains, and not for his . . . hot dog.

Chuck, of course, warns him of this, but he refuses to listen to reason.  But then, when he arrives at the office, of course, Diana pulls him into her office, and starts to ravage him.  Nate argues that this will not set a good impression on his co-workers, if the INTERN is having sex with the boss on the first day, as if he is her male prostitute.  Diana agrees.  So, she FIRES them!

“Sorry, average-looking people, you’re simply not attractive enough to be extas on this show.”

“Due to a recent botox injection, opening my mouth wide like this, is the only way I can show you I’m happy.”

Now, Nate is furious.  It’s finally dawning on him why he was hired to take this job.  He threatens to leave Diana’s internship for another one.  So, Diana thinks fast, and offers him a “reporting gig.”  The assignment is so ridiculous, the fact that it didn’t set off warning bells in Nate’s head immediately  illustrates that he might very well be learning disabled.  Nate’s “job” was to interview a senator and his snooty wife, NOT on the senator’s politics, but on his vacation to the Greek Isles.

“And if you REALLY want to see him squirm, ask him about his favorite color.” 

Of course, the minute Nate asks about said Isles, it clues the Senator’s wife in to the fact that he is having an affair.   (Don’t ask me how.  Just go with it.)  The wife storms off, telling the Senator she wants a divorce.  And when Nate apologizes to the Senator, the latter says in a huff, “I thought you were the NICE one in the family.”

(Oh, but he IS the NICE One Senator!  Unfortunately, he’s also the MORONIC ONE!)

Just be thankful you’re so pretty . . . 

Now, Nate’s pissed at Diana AGAIN for being used as a pawn in her little game.  As it turns out, Diana had arranged for everyone at this party to have their cell phones turned in.  She did this so that she could get the Senator’s cell phone, which confirmed information about the affair.  As it turns out, Diana doesn’t wish to make the Spectator into a “serious journalism” publication at all.  Rather, she wants to make it a tabloid about the New York elite, by using the type of tactics that got News of the World shut down.

You know what that means, of course.  Girlfriend is stomping on Gossip Girl’s toes .  . . and getting PAID to do it.  When Nate unwittingly suggests that Diana check ALL the cell phones taken at the party for a scoop, Diana thinks its a brilliant idea.   Of course, she makes NATE do all the dirty work, as her sole, unpaid, employee.

“OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . so, now, I’m not getting laid . . . OR getting paid?  What a crock!”

Nate considers the moral implications of this for about two seconds, before robotically doing Diana’s bidding.

“I know my dignity is in here somewhere . . .”

He gets a few human points back for not hijacking his friend’s phones: Chuck, Dan, Blair and Serena.  However, the information Diana is able to mine off the cell phones he DID nab is enough for a BOOK . . . or at least a few issues of a trashy magazine.

One of the cell phone’s he DOES find is Faux-Charlie’s.  Something tells me, Diana is going to find some VERY interesting stuff on THAT phone . . .

A Fashion “Don’t”

Oooh . . . do I smell another love triangle? 

It isn’t a real Gossip Girl party without a humiliating cat fight, amongst our Upper East Siders.  In a throwback to their quarrelsome internship days, this little wrestling session took place between Dan and Blair.  It all started when Blair decided to ignore the results of her paternity test, and walk the runway.  Dan wasn’t having that at all!

“Dair” to be a pest. 

So, in a surprisingly bold (and definitely weird) moment, DAN pushes away celebrity Simon Noonan, and escorts Blair down the catwalk. Apparently, Dorota has taped up the paternity test from Blair’s trash (where, rumor has it her pee-covered pregnancy test is still sitting, and given it to Dan.  (CREEPY!)

I hope you wore gloves, Dorota . . . 

Dan keeps trying to stick the letter on Blair . . . under her armpit, down her dress, anywhere that will force her to read it.  It’s a well-meaning gesture, I guess.  But also immature . . . and weird.  I mean, this takes being a supportive friend to a whole new level, doesn’t it.

A furious, and determined Blair, end up pushing Dan HARD into a nearby waiter, causing glasses and plates to fly everywhere.  Nice going, Dan the Flying Donut!

“Don’t worry.  I’m OK, I just felt like doing a little dance for you, called The Worm.” 

Later, Blair and Dan share a sweet apology outside the party.  Dan admits that he’s been WAY too involved in Blair’ test result, because he has been using them to try to avoid focusing on his OWN issues relating to the unwelcome publication of his novel.  Blair admits to the fact that she came to Dan in the first place, because she knew he would help her to combat her darkest instincts.  Dan finally gives Blair the paternity test letter and leaves her to her own private HELL.

“You DO realize this is the second time you’ve tackled me at public event, don’t you?   Around Brookyln, we call that foreplay.”

We see her open it, and (maybe) look at the results.  So, tell us Blair . . . WHO’S THE DADDY?

“Umm . . . Dan?  I think you gave me the wrong letter.  This one says I may have just won one million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing House.” 

From The Inside Out . . .

“OK, Famous Author Person . . . I need you honest opinion on something.  Do you really think I look like a muppet?” 

Thanks to Chuck “taking one for the team” by having mediocre sex with some VERY LUCKY publisher’s assistant, Dan now knows Simon & Schuester is the lucky publishing company that has nabbed his book, appropriately entitled “The Inside” (sounds vaguely dirty).  Now,  all he has to do is stop the proverbial presses.  Dan decides to do this by stopping by his old pal and mentor Noah Shapiro to ask him for a favor.  (Have you ever noticed how many curmudgeony, over 50 writer friends Dan has collected, over the course of five seasons?  I can’t even keep track.  They all look and act, exactly the same.

Chuck hilariously offers to lend Dan knee pads for his plea and grovel affair, which gives the meeting itself homoerotic undertones, that are perhaps unintended.  Dan explains his plight to Noah.  And Noah, in turn, gives him advice that would be solid and reliable, if Dan were anything but a character on Gossip Girl.  “You want my advice . . . the easiest way to let a book to die, is let it be published.  Have you seen the Bestseller’s list lately?  In a month, you’re book will be half off, in a bargain bin,” he says, more or less.

I’m pretty sure this is EXACTLY what Dan Humphrey will look like in about 40 years . . . It’s almost as if he’s talking to himself . . . FROM THE FUTURE!

(Of course, we know that while this would probably be the case with ANY OTHER BOOK written by an anonymous college student, it will NOT be so, with Dan, because that would make for an incredibly lame storyline.  Nevertheles, Dan seems comforted by Noah’s assurances, and leaves with some weight lifted off his shoulders.)

If this were a “Nate” storyline, instead of a “Dan” one, these two would have (1) already had sex, (2) already started dating, and (3) she would already have a DEEP DARK SECRET she was hiding from him.  Instead, I doubt we’ll ever see this woman again.  Sucks for her.

But the next day, Dan return to Noah’s office and learns from his assistant that NOAH is coming forward as if HE wrote “The Inside.”  Dan is livid, but conflicted.  On one hand, this would get him off the hook with his friends and the new object of his affection.  On the other hand, this IS his first published novel, so . . . NO FAIR!  Dan, of course, turns to his new bromantic buddy Chuck for advice.  And Chuck basically tells him to “poo or get off the pot,” as far as this novel is concerned.

So, Dan manages to get some balls, and decides to poo.  By this, I mean he tracks down Noah at dinner with “friends,” and publicly announces that HE, not Noah, wrote “The Inside.”  Suddenly, the whole table is clapping, including Noah.  It turns out the whole thing was a set up to get Dan to come clean about his authorhip of the book, which had been published anonymously.  Noah then invites Dan to sit down and meet his entire publishing and marketing team.  That’s right . . . because major publishers and agents ALWAYS spend this much time and energy on anonymous first-time novelists.  I guess we are just supposed to believe the book is “SOOO GOOD,” that it merits all this fuss . . .

“Yes!  I’m totally going to be the next Stephenie Meyer . . . except not Mormon . . . and not . . . you know . . . a woman.” 

I’ll believe it when I see it  .. .

When Dan arrives home, he is greeted with a copy of his book (the cover of which, looks suspiciously similar to that of the first Gossip Girl book – how meta), even though it seems as though it was just picked up for publication, at most, a couple of months ago.  (These sort of things typically take at least a year from publication agreement to ACTUAL publication, particularly for an unknown writer.  But like I said . . . Dan is just SOOOO GOOD.

And next week, based on the promos, it seems we will get to find out just HOW good he is . . .  You better not let me down, Humphrey Dumpty. 🙂

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . .  .

And the Daddy Is . . .

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Blair visits CHUCK’S APARTMENT!  When he first turns around to see her standing there, he blinks twice, as if he thinks it must be a dream.  Blair is clearly effected by the reunion as well, as she stands stock still in the doorway, shaking, her eyes just minutes away from overflowing with tears.  “I need to talk to you,” she says, shaking her head, as if to give herself the courage she needs to do what she needs to do.  An unprepared Chuck even wonders out loud whether this is a ploy by Dan to get Chuck to “feel” something.  (If so, that would be a mighty mean ploy.)

Blair doesn’t beat around the bush.  She tells Chuck that she’s pregnant, and pauses, while she lets that piece of information sink in.  Chuck tries to be non reactive, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who caught a glimpse of hope, and adoration in his eyes,  as he attempts to work out the math in his head.  But then Blair says it’s Louis-Bot’s (NOOO, IT’ CAN’T BE!  CAN IT?  SURELY, SHE’S LYING!),  and Chuck quickly masks his heartbreak as seamlessly as he can.  We see him look away for a second, eyes shut tight, before he turns back to Blair again.

He hopes to appear cold and aloof, but GG fans know he is brimming with emotion, and Blair can feel it, as well.  Chuck notes that Blair must be relieved that the baby is not his, because THAT would have derailed her Princess fairytale.  Blair flinches a bit at this, noting that this fairytale is more complicated than it would first appear.

Cue Monkey, Chuck’s new dog to come nipping at Blair’s feet.  Already, I’m loving Monkey.  He’s an awesome wingman.  it’s as if he knows instinctively that Blair read that blast on Gossip Girl about Chuck returning him to the pound, and wants her to know that Chuck DOES have love in his heart, for animals, and, yes, for little tiny humans, as well.  Blair kneels down to pet Monkey, as she asks Chuck about the Gossip Girl blast.  “I took him to get fixed.  I figured it was the responsible thing to do  kind of like, you know, wearing a condom, before you have sex at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah.  Blair winces at this, message sent and received.

But if the encounter between Chuck and Blair has turned a bit sour, Blair brings it back to sweet, with this line, “You know, there was a part of me that wished it was yours.”

Chuck blinks at this, as if to say, “a part of me wishes it was mine as well.”  When Blair tells Chuck that she should leave, Chuck agrees, but only because he seems about ready to burst, and doesn’t want Blair to see him breakdown.  The entire encounter is truly heartbreaking.  And yet, it is nothing compared to final scene, which I will get to, in just a bit.  You can rewatch the ENTIRE Chuck / Blair encounter, by clicking below (provided this video doesn’t get snatched from YouTube, before you have a chance to watch):

Later, we see Blair sharing the good (but possibly false) news with Louis-bot.  The Prince of Monaco is overjoyed at the prospect of being a father (though the computer chip in the back of his brain prevents him from showing any more than a modicum of emotion).  Blair, of course, then asks him about his interview with Hello Magazine, in which he said he didn’t want kids for a long time.  And Louis replies, very smoothly, I might add that Louis only said this to prevent the press from hounding Blair about starting a family before she was ready.

Just nod and smile, Louis-bot . . . You don’t really have to understand what she’s saying . . . 

Blair is clearly touched by Louis-bot’s sensitivity to her needs, and gives him a big ole hug.  But then, when he leaves, she stupidly shoves the paternity test results in her drawer, as opposed to shredding them, or throwing them away.

Whether or not the results actually CONFIRM Louis-bot as the father, the fact that Blair has so poorly hidden her paternity test makes me feel as though part of her is subconsciously trying to sabotage her so-called fairytale, by increasing the odds that Louis-bot will find the test results.  Even if they do confirm that he’s the father, the test results will undoubtedly show Louis-bot that the baby’s paternity was doubted.  And if they confirm that Chuck is the father, well . . .

Speaking of Chuck, remember how I said that the last scene of the episode, was by far the most heartbreaking.  Well, it involves Chuck, lying in bed, finally able to feel the wounds he sustained in his chest, as a result of the motorcycle accident.  He clutches his side, as tears roll down his cheeks, emphasizing that the realization that he may have lost Blair forever has cured his aversion disorder.  But more than anything, Chuck’s heart hurts, and he’s holding that for dear life.

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That’s when Monkey, Chuck’s new best friend and ultimate wingman, sweetly hops up on the bed to comfort Chuck.  First, he rests his head on Chuck’s stomach.  But then, seeing that this is not enough to staunch his new master’s pain, he places his head on Chuck’s chest, as Chuck holds his new pet close, kisses him on the forehead, and finds himself finally able to cry in earnest for the one true love of his life . . .

Grab your Kleenex, because I’ve provided you a link to what is surely going to go down in history, as one of GG’s most memorable and heartbreakingly beautiful scenes, right here:

And that’s all she wrote GG fans.  But if you want to get a peak at what HE wrote, check out this promo for next week’s GG installment, entitled, “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan,” here:

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  And please, while you wait, whatever you do, don’t spank your Monkey!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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L’eggo My Eggo (I’m Preggo!) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Beauty and the Feast”

BLAIR: “Pull my finger.”

DOROTA: “Just because you are ‘with child,’ doesn’t mean you have to act like one, Miss Blair.”

BLAIR: *pouts*

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  I don’t know about you, but I learned A LOT from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl . . . Let’s see, I learned about a  “disease” called “conversion disorder,” which apparently makes you jump from rooftops, crash motorcycles, and pay guys to beat you up.

In other words, it turns you into Bella Swan, circa New Moon 

I learned that there are actually people who are more than willing to beat you up for cash (it’s a recession economy, after all).  And I learned the difference between bulimic puking and pregnancy puking.  And you just never know when these things are going to come in handy!

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Thanks Gossip Girl!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Friends don’t let friends . . . have tender boobs.

“Is this going to involve us getting into stirrups?  Because my Brazilian Wax isn’t until next week. . .” 

Your first gynecological pregnancy check-up . . . it’s a Right of Passage . . . or at least, that’s what I’m told.  As such, many women prefer not to experience it alone.  Some drag their husbands along, others their friends, still others, their mothers.  Dorota brings her boss, which is probably why she felt obligated to wear her uniform to the checkup, complete with that weird doily thing she always wears on her head.

“Is that my sanitary napkin on your head?” 

(Seriously, what IS that?  And what sort of function does it have in the complex world of housekeeping?  I mean, it’s not large enough to be a hairnet, and not circular enough to be a scrunchie.  So, what does it DO for Dorota, aside from make her look ridiculous cute.  Inquiring minds want to know . . .)

“Have you reviewed this doctor’s credentials, Dorota?  Because I’m pretty sure I saw him recently on an episode of Law and Order, SVU.” 

When the doctor arrives, Blair peppers the poor schlub with TONS of icky personal questions about “Dorota’s” pregnancy symptoms, including, but not limited to, her breast tenderness (gag), her morning sickness (double gag), her sensitivity to smells (ick), and her fatigue . . . (Well, OK, I can live with that).  Of course, it’s not until Blair inquires about how long “Dorota” must wait to be able to determine the father of her baby, that both the housekeeper and the doctor, become suspicious.

“Actually, I am not suspicious.  This is just my usual facial expression.” 

The doctor got so suspicious in fact, that he LEFT, instructing Dorota to come back another time, ALONE.  (Really, Doctor?  You got scared off by someone asking you a couple of sensitive questions?  Talk about a lack of bedside manner!   Perhaps, you received your medical degree online?)

Since the happily married Dorota is damn near certain about the paternity of her baby (Then again, you never know with those saucy Russian Maids Perpetually Dressed in French Maid Halloween Costumes), she puts two and two together, and figures out that her little Blair-ipoo is, in fact, with child.

Yeah . . . I just really love this GIF. 

Dorota is THRILLED by the prospect of being able to share the “wonders of pregnancy” with her boss / friend / surrogate daughter.  “We are like sisters now,” she exclaims, downgrading that to cousins, upon noticing Blair’s horrified response.

“Right . . . sisters . . . like I would really be related to someone who willingly wears toilet paper on her head.” 

Unfortunately, Blair is not exactly ready to share Dorota’s excitement about her upcoming Baby Bass bundle of joy.  For one thing, she’s neither married, nor out of college yet . . . for another . . . duh .  . . she DOESN”T KNOW WHO THE DADDY IS!  CHUCK!  CHUCK!  IT HAS TO BE CHUCK’S!

“No one must know,” Blair warns Dorota, as she makes the first of her trademark I’m Going to Hurl Faces, of which we get different variations throughout the episode.

You can practically FEEL the chunks rising.  Now THAT’s good acting! 

You know what else I loved about this scene?  The fact that the song “Pumped Up Kicks” was playing during it . . . a song that sounds all sweet and innocent, but when you listen to the lyrics is actually about a psycho kid on a killing spree.  How VERY appropriate for this “sweet” gyneological moment between a girl and her maid . . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Slutty Cougars are Better than Viagra (AND they can get you a job!)

“And if you are a really good lay, Ill take your for a Happy Meal at McDonald’s, when we’re finished.”

Ahhh  . . . Nate.  For a guy who’s had more Random Guest Star Girlfriends than any male character on the entire CW network, he SURE does fall hard and fast for the floozies, doesn’t he?  All it takes is a couple of LA sex romps with the mysterious “Diana,” and suddenly Nate can’t get it up for ANY OTHER ANONYMOUS FLOOZIES!  (Oh the horror!)

You know what they say, once you go OLD, you never go back . . . (OLD-ER!  I meant old-er, I swear!) 

This becomes immediately apparent when ONE of these random floozies dashes out of Nate’s bed, complaining about “guys on anti-depressants.”  And you know what “anti-depressants” tend to do to Mr. Happy, don’t you, boys and girls?

That’s right!

I have to say, I think Chuck had a point when he said that Nate’s apparent Mommy Issues, tend to manifest themselves in him becoming obsessed with sexual partners who are old enough to be his mother.  (Well, when you put it THAT way, it just sounds gross..)  I’m not necessarily sure this explains his tendency to date scheming stalkerish psychopaths, however.

Any thoughts?

Nate spends a good portion of this episode (as in about four-and-a-half minutes of his total eight minutes of screentime) trying to find out any information he can about his mysterious Mrs. Robinson-type.  But then, (SURPRISE!) she finds him.  No . . . really . . . I mean she stalks him all the way from LA to right in front of his mother’s doorstep, in the Upper East Side.

NATE: “Where have you been all my life?”

DIANA: “Well, around the time you were born, I was probably getting felt up behind the bar at a frat party.  After that, it’s all pretty much one big blur.”

Apparently, “Diana” has some business agenda.  She manages The Spectator,  an LA-based tabloid newspaper that she wishes to bring to the East Coast, and, for reasons I couldn’t quite comprehend, needs Nate’s mother’s approval, in order to do it.  Maybe I would have gotten more out of this particular storyline, if I wasn’t so distracted by Nate and “Diana” randomly HAVING SEX UP AGAINST THE ARCHIBALD’S OUTDOOR SECURITY GATE!!!! Way to stay classy, Professional Businesswoman Person!

This is one of those times when I kind of wish Gossip Girl was on HBO.  Because I bet Chace Crawford’s ASS (among other things) is OUTSTANDING! 

Nevertheless, Nate somehow manages to secure “Diana” his mother’s backing, by telling her what a great lay she is, perhaps.  And “Diana” returns the favor, by offering Nate an internship at her crappy tabloid professional newspaper, as opposed to the plum, GUARANTEED CAREER- MAKING internships with Goldman Sachs, etc., that were originally offered to Nate.

“I major in Cougar Studies, with a minor in Pot Brownie Baking.” 

It must be nice to think with your weiner all the time be so friggin wealthy that little things like one’s future career path mean nothing in comparison to sexual opportunities with women almost over child-bearing age.  (Because, hey, at least pregnancy isn’t as substantial a possibility? Right?  Chuck Bass, take note! ;))

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Meanwhile, on the opposite coast . . . .

“Call Me Serena, “Ivy/Charlie = The WORST Waitress, Girlfriend, Cousin, and Roommate EVER  (But at least she’s consistent!)

“I also dress like that chick from the show Blossom.”

So, here’s the thing.  I’m a little worried about Serena.  (What else is new, right?)  But wait . . .  it’s not necessarily for the reason you would expect.  On one hand, I LIKE New, Perky, Optimistic, Non-Boy Obsessed, Job-Oriented Serena.

“Holding important looking folders is a tough job, but somebody has to do it.” 

In fact, I probably like her more than I’ve liked ANY incarnation of Serena since Season 1.  It’s just that . . . I think she might suffer from a brain disorder . . .  specifically, whatever Drew Barrymore had in 50 First Dates .  .  .

Serena HAS to be suffering from some kind of selective amnesia!  How else could she exist on this show for FIVE SEASONS, and not have learned by now that you can NEVER, EVER trust the pretty Guest Star!  Heck, this isn’t even a NEW Guest Star!  “Call Me Serena” Ivy Charlie was a big ole wackadoo the FIRST TIME SHE WAS ON THE SHOW!

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 I mean, sure, chalk it up to the “lack of anti-psychotic medication.”  Tell me that she was “just playing a part for some cash.”  I DON’T CARE!  B*TCH IS OBVIOUSLY CRAZY!  She also wears weird pants.  (And not in a cute, charming or adorable way, either.  More like in a Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Octo-Mom kind of way.)  RUN SERENA!  RUN FAR AND FAST!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s start at Ivy continuing to pretend to be Serena’s cousin, while the pair, frolic around LA.  Nevermind the fact that Ivy’s adorable live-in, wanna-be chef boyfriend just followed her to LA, so she could pursue her “acting dreams,” and has no idea what a scheming little wench he is dating .  . . Nevermind the fact that Ivy left her new JOB as a waitress to play the part of the Trust Fund baby, and will now have no way of paying rent.  Just .  . . well . . . nevermind.

“You and your creepy cotton candy pants, don’t deserve me and my adorableness.” 

Things are going great for “Call Me Serena” Ivy / Charlie until Serena drops the REAL bomb on her.   She’s staying in LA . . . AND looking for an apartment  . . . AND she wants “Charlie” to live with her.

Wait . . . I’m sorry . . . but WHAT THE F*&K?  I get that she’s your relative, Serena.  And I know you feel a bit bad for her, because she didn’t grow up filthy rich like you, and has “mental problems,” but do you not remember that this is the same girl who tried to dress up like you, asked your ex-boyfriend to call her BY YOUR NAME, when he had sex with her, and pretty much went all SINGLE WHITE FEMALE ON YOUR ASS?  This is who you want to live with?  You don’t know anything about this girl, and everything that you know is BAD.

“Oh . . . well, when you put it THAT way.” 

WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU!

Now faux-Charlie (See, I can’t even decide what I’m supposed to call this girl!) REALLY has to tap dance to get out of living with Serena, because Golly GEE she ISN’T really her cousin, doesn’t really have access to the Van Der Woodsen Trust Fund, and is already living with her adorable boyfriend who, as I mentioned, knows NOTHING about this con.   So, faux-Charlie tries her best to find polite reasons why she can’t live with Serena.  But girlfriend simply REFUSES to take no for an answer.

And they think CHUCK has a Death Wish . . . 

Of course, rather than coming clean about NOT being Charlie, faux-Charlie ends up getting dragged into going apartment hunting with Serena.  What’s worse, so as not to hurt Serena’s feelings, and make her think she doesn’t want to be her roommate, faux-Charlie ends up giving the realtor one of “Charlie’s” checks to help cover the downpayment.  (Who knew con-artists were so sensitive to other’s fragile egos?)

Now thoroughly freaked out, faux-Charlie quickly calls the realtor to get back the check, only to learn that it was bad (SURPRISE), and that it was returned to Serena.  (Yeah, because that’s what realtors do when you write bad checks, give them to YOUR FRIENDS, instead of YOU!)

Logical explanations aside, faux-Charlie is SO busted!  At least, that’s what she thinks, which is why she runs to her poor sweet schlub of a boyfriend (his name is Max, by the way), and tells him she is SO done chasing after HER dreams (after two weeks).  It’s high time they started chasing after HIS dreams for a change . . . FAR AWAY in Portland.

“Wait . . . this means I don’t get any more screentime, doesn’t it?  YOU B*TCH!” 

“Max” seems confused by faux-Charlie’s sudden change of heart, but readily agrees to move to Portland, probably because he is SO whipped you can practically see the rope marks on his body through his clothing.  Max then promptly quits his new restaurant job, so that he can start packing.  (You’ve really gotta love the tremendous work ethic these two have!)

Now, faux-Charlie is relieved because she’s actually dumb enough to think that she can run away, without the girl she just screwed over for cash on an apartment, will not realize that she left.  (Then again, given Serena’s obvious amnesia issues, this is actually a distinct possibility.)  But alas, Serena now KNOWS where she lives.  And worse, she is waiting outside her apartment to utter the oh so cliched, pre-commercial break line, “I know what’s going on here.”  (Or something like that . . .)

*insert dramatic music here*  (By the way, is Serena wearing SHOULDER PADS?) 

Of course, us veteran TV watchers know this as code for, “I am COMPLETELY off base as to what is actually going on here.  But I want to make you worry about what I know, throughout the commercial break . . .

Back from commerical break, we finally find out what Serena thinks she knows.  And believe it or not, it’s actually a lot more plausible than the REAL reason faux-Charlie’s check bounced.  Serena thinks her “Charlie’s” mom cut her off from her trust fund for moving to LA.  And so she promises to get faux-Charlie cut back ON.  (Is that a real phrase?  NO?  Well, you get what I mean . . .)  Then, she reiterates her NEED for faux-Charlie to become her roommate.  (Clingy much, S?)

“Can you blame me?  I haven’t had a boyfriend in TWO WHOLE EPISODES?  This is TORTURE!” 

But this was the part that really dusted my doileys!  Faux-Charlie DUMPED her REAL boyfriend to STAY with SERENA, and continue to be her FAKE cousin.  She told him she didn’t love him any more, and sent him packing to Portland ALONE.  I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for people like that . . .

Oh, and get this, after all that, Serena decided SHE’S NOT STAYING IN LA.  Her production assistant job is being moved . . . you guessed it . . . back to New York!   (SURPRISE!)  And now she wants faux-Charlie to come with her?  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t faux-Charlie claim to be leaving New York because the Upper East Side was what made her fall off her meds in the first place?  (See what I mean, about Serena and her amnesia?)

And, really, how needy are you, that you ask somebody you barely know to travel across the coast to LIVE WITH YOU?  But, of course, faux-Charlie says yes.  Because . . . you know . . . this is Gossip Girl, where everybody does strange and inexplicable things sometimes lives for the moment, and flies by the seat of their pants.  So, faux-Charlie hops in the limo with Serena, and they ride off toward good ole Manhattan, where they will undoubtedly live happily ever after . . . at least until next week’s episode.

Speaking of phony relatives . . . Louis-Bot has a relative who’s a BIG phony.  And (SURPRISE!) she has it in for Blair .  . .

An Entire Plotline Focused on Blair’s VOMIT?  Well, this is NEW!

“If I don’t watch my step, I’ll be forever remembered by the Good People of Monaco as Princess Pukey.” 

You know what I really liked about this storyline?  How real it was .  . .

Of course, I’m not talking about the moving of the Assumption Feast, or the whole prince thing, or really anything about this plotline except for Blair’s morning sickness.  It is so rare that we actually get to see our Non Judging Breakfast Club members (at least the female contingent) of them, when they are not at their best (well .   . . we see them drunk sometimes, but, other than that).

Personally, I thought it was refreshing that Blair looked a bit tired and disheveled throughout the episode.  I like that she made puke faces, any time anybody or anything smelly got anywhere near her.  Because, from what I’ve been told, that’s what women in the early stage of their pregnancy are like!  And as prim, proper, and often perfect Blair may appear, she is, after all, only human (as evidenced by the fact that she’s not entirely certain of the paternity of her baby).

This story begins with Louis-Bot informing Blair that she gets to meet yet another one of his oh-so-charming royal relatives.   This one’s name is Beatrice.  And though she looks about the right age to be Louis-Bot’s sister, she’s actually his aunt.  *cough Change of Life Baby cough*  At first, Beatrice seems nice enough.  She’s way more laid back than the stodgy Princess Sophie, and she has a much wider range of voice inflections than Louis Bot.  Her worst offense seems to be that she wears too much perfume, which, like everything else in the episode, makes Blair want to hurl.

Would you please get that weiner-looking thing out of my face.  THAT’S what got me into this mess in the first place!” 

As nice as she seems, Blair is VERY eager to get rid of Beatrice, and ship her and Louis Bot off to the Feast of Assumption by plane, so that she can get some much needed Pregnant Lady R&R.  But Beatrice insists on spending the day with Blair, during which she regales her with how AWFUL being reigning princess will be for Blair, because she will have to wear lame, non-skin showing outfits.  Beatrice of course, though second in line for the throne, has no interest in doing such things, no SIR . . .

But the “kindly” Beatrice begins to become suspicious of Blair when she repeatedly gags at the food Beatrice shoves in her face every five seconds. And, despite being in the middle of NYC, where it is almost impossible to find a place that will let you use the bathroom without buying something first, Blair makes roughly twenty trips to the potty in a single afternoon!

Just like Serena, Beatrice comes to the immediate WRONG conclusion about Blair’s bizarre behavior.  She confronts Dorota and basically accuses Blair of being on drugs.  Dorota denies this, but, of course, doesn’t want to tell Beatrice what is actually wrong with Blair.  (A good maid never reveals her boss’ secrets, after all).  And so, when Beatrice suggests bulimia, Dorota sort-of agrees, since, it seems the lesser of two evils, and is not entirely untrue.  After all, Blair WAS bulimic . . . back in Season 1.

“How did you know?  Are you bulimic too?  Perhaps, we can throw some Big Bulimia Party!  No?” 

Upon hearing this news  scheming wench concerned sister Beatrice calls Louis-Bot for an impromptu meeting.  She tells her nephew that Bulimic Blair just isn’t ready for the pressures of being princess.   But Loyal Louis-Boy will not believe it.   So, Beatrice decides to prove it to him, by miraculously moving the Feast of Assumption to NYC (Get it?  Miraculously), and spending the entire feast .  . . you guessed it . . . trying to make Blair vomit again . . .

What is our Blair-Bear to do?  She decides to pray to the Virgin Mary.

“Can I ask you something?  Where did you get your outfit?  Because it’s really cute!”

And, hallelujah, her prayers are answered . . . well . . . sort of . . .

Dan’s Got a Plan, Blair’s Got a Secret, and Chuck’s . . . Joined a Fight Club?

Back in non-royal ville, Dan the Donut (who I will refrain from calling The Donut this week, because he did some nice things for both Blair and Chuck . . . things that I suspect, will start them on the path toward their inevitable reunion) is STILL trying to figure out what publishing company That Annoying Wench Who Shall Not Be Named Manessa got to publish his book.

“Actually, I’m just pretending to figure out who published my book.   I’m really just surfing the net for porn.  Shhhh!  Don’t tell Gossip Girl anybody!” 

He decides that the best way to do this is to trace the check said wench sent him as an advance.  But Dan the Donut has NO skills in the art of computer hacking or bank breaking, he decides to turn to the one person with the ability to do ALL OF THOSE THINGS . . . the man . . . the myth . . . the legend . . . CHUCK BASS!

Dan uses Gossip Girl to track Chuck’s head (no literally, Gossip Girl uses a picture of a Giant Chuck Bass Head to signify his whereabouts).  But when Dan finds him, these two hooligans are KICKING LOVERBOY’S ASS.

*insert homoerotic joke here* 

So, Dan rushes to Chuck’s rescue, and .  . . is completely unsuccessful in helping.  In fact, he gets PUNCHED IN THE FACE!  The two men rush off, and Chuck DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

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But Dan, while ogling Chuck’s awesome abs notices that nasty gash Chuck got on his stomach from his motorcycle wipeout . . .

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*whistles appreciatively*

 . . .  and  insists he see a doctor.   Chuck boredly complies with this request.  As for the doctor, he says Chuck’s wounds are “bordering on serious.”  He’s more concerned with the fact that Chuck claimed not to physically FEEL anything when the wound was touched.

“Hey, look!  It’s Doctor House . . . calls.” 

So,  now everyone assumes that Chuck is numbed out on drugs . . . just like Beatrice thought about Blair.  Coincidence?  I think not . . .

Dan, being the good After School Special Star that he is, confronts Chuck AGAIN in his bedroom, to tell him to “Just say no to drugs.”

“Unlike Serena, when I rejected you, I meant it,” replies Chuck smugly.  (Ooh, look at Chuck with all these slamming Darena zingers!)

Dan figures out, quite correctly that Blair is the cause of Chuck’s rash behavior.  In fact, he pretty much accuses Chuck of being Bella Swan in New Moon, a.k.a. trying to get himself killed so that Blair will return to his side.  Ouch!  Then, to add insult to injury, Shrink Dan decides to REALLY send Chuck off the deep end, by telling the poor guy that HE, Dan Humpty Dumpty Humphrey (See, I’m trying, I really am!) kissed Blair last, pre-Louis-Bot.

Now, I know this was supposedly just some well-intentioned tough love on Dan’s part.  But, honestly, did anybody else think that Dan was using this as an opportunity to stick his tongue out and go “Nah-nah, nah-nah boo, boo” in the emotionally-damaged Chuck’s face.

Fortunately, Chuck had the comeback to END ALL COMEBACKS to this remark.  “The last person she was with was me.  And I’m talking full carnal knowledge.  Did that hurt?  I wish I could feel it.”

Ooohh!  BUUUURN!  I love it!

It’s time for Dan to stalk Blair now.  But since he’s coming to tell her to help out Chuck, I can’t fault him too much for his decision.  What I can fault him for is his outfit.  SERIOUSLY?  A t-shirt and jeans to the Feast of Assumption?  You couldn’t at least put on a pair of khaki’s or something . . .

Religious Festival Attendance FAIL! 

Anywhoo, Dan arrives at the perfect moment to rescue Blair from the puke-making Beatrice.  She drags Dan into the Little Girls Room,  (I will not make the obvious joke . . . I will not make the obvious joke . . .  I will not make the . . .) where he feels right at home.  (DOH!  I  guess I made the obvious joke.).  Blair seems to have forgiven Dan fairly quickly for his most recent transgression of plotting to get her to escape her upcoming not going to last anyway nuptials, and f*&k him in the Hamptons.  Then again, maybe she’s just too nauseous to push him away.

Dan successfully manages to plant the seed in Blair’s head that Chuck is going TOTALLY BATTY without her, and needs her help, before she rushes into the nearest stall and starts blowing chunks.  While Dan doesn’t get the full credit he would have received for holding Blair’s hair back Chuck definitely seems like a holding hair back kind of guy, don’t you think? while she prayed to the porcelain god (Man, my euphemisms for vomiting sure are in full force this week, aren’t they?), he does get partial credit, for running the water in the faucet to drown out those pesky retching noises, and for not crinkling his nose to much at the inevitable foul smell.

“I can sing too, if you’d like?” 

Enter that b*tch Beatrice.  Dan tells her that Blair is sick, and she offers to go “fetch” Louis.  But, instead, of course, she stays to overhear Dan accuse Blair of being bulimic again, and demand that she gets help.  To this, Blair replies in frustration, “I’m not bulimic, I’m pregnant.”

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Of course, Beatrice heard THAT too.  And just when we THINK she’s going to tell Louis, she surprisingly DOESN’T.  What she does do, is claim that Blair had this “great idea” to dine with smelly homeless people at the Feast of Assumption, as a way of giving back to the community.  Man, that Beatrice, she is REALLY good at inducing vomiting.  She’s like the human version of Ipecac!

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!” 

Cue the blast from Gossip Girl that Chuck is getting his butt beat again.  And cue Super Man Dan’s exit to make another rescue!  (Hes a busy little bee, this week, isn’t he?)

“Ta-da!”

When Dan arrives to see Chuck getting beaten by the SAME guys who beat him last time, he finally figures out that Chuck PAID them to do this.  Backed into a corner, both literally and figuratively, Chuck explains the real reason behind this one-sided fight club.  Ever since he lost Blair, he has found himself frighteningly unable to feel.  So, basically, the reason he keeps putting himself in dangerous situations is that he hopes to experience pain.  “Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?”  Chuck asks, morosely.

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How about you try to feel good things?”  Dan suggests.  “I could tickle you!”

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(WOW .  . . just wow . . . and the gay porno version of Gossip Girl would start right there.)

Most of us, had kind of assumed that Chuck wasn’t as well-adjusted and coping with Blair’s loss, as he might have seemed last week.  But hearing Chuck admit this is still extremely sad.  Back at his bachelor pad, Chuck graciously asks the REAL reason Dan has been stalking him all episode.  Dan admits that his book contains some SCATHING commentary on all his “friends,” including Chuck.  And, if it’s published, a lot of people will get their feelings hurt.

“Oops,  I should really learn to keep a lock on my diary.”

According to shrink Dan, Chuck is suffering from conversion disorder, a psycho somatic illness that removes the feeling from limbs, as a result of the experience of a traumatic event . . . an event like the VERY TEMPORARY loss of a soulmate . . .  ( What’s the cure, you ask?  LOTS OF SEX WITH SAID SOULMATE, Dr. TV Recappers says . . .)

“Ahhh, Charlie Trout returns,” Chuck replies, cleverly recalling Dan’s OTHER scathing essay, about Chuck and his dad, which Dan used to impress a teacher, at Chuck’s expense.

You know, it just occurred to me that Dan is forever exploiting satirizing his pals to further his writing career.  Think about it . . . his story that was published in the New Yorker was about Serena.  He’s already written about Chuck.  And THIS story is about the ENTIRE Non Judging Breakfast Club.  Given Dan’s obvious penchant for gossip about rich kids, and “based on true events” stories, wouldn’t it just be HILARIOUS if Dan ended up being Gossip Girl?

I know he isn’t.  But I still think it would be funny .  . .

Ultimately, Chuck agrees to help Dan with his little scheme to get back that EVIL book.  And, like that, the Chan Bromance is reborn . . .

Meanwhile, Beatrice is in a limo with the PRIEST from the Feast of Assumption.  To him she reveals her desire to usurp the throne from Louis, by bringing down Blair.  Is this confession?  You might be asking yourself.  NO, believe it or not, it’s actually SEX . . .

That is so wrong on so many levels.

The episode ends with Blair finding her way back to Brooklyn, and the comfort of an old friend.  She tells Dan everything she’s been keeping locked up inside herself for such a long time now . . . like how she had sex with Chuck once, but Louis-Bot many times.  Apparently, according to Blair, he’s “surprisingly virile.”  I didn’t know robots could copulate?   Who knew?

You totally paid the writers to put that part about you being virile in the script, didn’t you?

And even though Blair is not yet certain who the father of her child is, she knows that it was conceived out of love, and therefore wants to keep it.

Ahhh, memories! 

  Honestly, I’m still skeptical as to whether Blair loves Louis-Bot, especially considerng she went back to him, more or less, as a consulation prize, after Chuck gave her up for the greater good.

But for now, I will give her the benefit of the doubt.  (OK . . . maybe I won’t.)  Of course, Blair’s life will be much easier if the baby is Louis-Bots, as it will leave her with much less explaining to do.   And yet, she is conflicted, scared, and petrified of losing everything.

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You’ve really gotta hand it to Dan.  And this is coming from someone who isn’t usually his biggest fan.  Given how clearly head over heels he is in love with her, it couldn’t have been easy for him to endure her graphic description of Louis’ virility, or of her sex with Chuck, or of her love for both men, and not him .  . . not in that way, at least.  And yet, the used-to-be extremely judgy Dan takes the fragile Blair in his arms, and convinces her to find out the baby’s paternity.

“What if I lose everything?” She asks tearfully.

“You’ll still have me,” he replies, as the episode draws to a close.

Well . .  now, that’s nice . . . sweet even.  (See?  I can behave!)  🙂

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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