[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY! I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions. Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon. Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]
“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”
I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote. (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.) Here goes . . . I’m a novelist . . . definitely not a famous one, and, possibly, not even a particularly good one. But, still I (self) published two novels.
And when I did, everyone who knew I published them, inevitably wanted to know if any of the characters in either of the books was based on them.
This is despite the fact that one of my books was about warlocks, and the other one was about a vampire. (Not exactly memoirs.) Once the people in my life found out that the books were NOT about them, their next inevitable SUGGESTION was that I write the NEXT one about them. To this I would always respond some variation of “HELL NO!” And this episode of Gossip Girl is precisely why . . .
“This book is like the perfect second child I never had . . . We’re just going to pretend Jenny doesn’t exist, OK?”
Good stories require deeply flawed characters . . . the more flawed the better. No one wants to read a book filled with Mary Sues. As a result, writing a GOOD book about your friends is the quickest way to lose them. It’s as simple as that. (Besides, all my friends are absolutely perfect, and have no flaws, whatsoever. ;))
Additionally, from personal experience, I can tell you that most books written by a first time novelist take anywhere from seven months to a year to write, sometimes longer. I only say this because, despite the fact that Dan the Donut might have claimed that he never planned for anyone to read his book, NO ONE works on something for close to a year, just so they can keep it to themselves . . . Just sayin . . .
GIVE ME MORE, NOW! EWWWW GROSS!”
But enough about me. Let’s talk about “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan.”
How to Lose Friends and Alienate Upper East Siders
We open up the episode with what I believe is the first of many “flashbacks” to scenes from Dan’s book. The scene features Dan, er, I mean “Dylan,” walking through a sea of old fogey well wishers at his book party, without a friend in sight.
“All by mysellllf (surrounded by old people) . . . don’t wanna be, all by myself (surrounded by old people), anymoreeeeeeee.”
The REAL Dan wakes from his reverie to hear his new publisher’s assistant babbling on about his upcoming book party, during which he will be revealed as the anonymous author of “Inside.”
“Would you just shut up about my book, for a second, so that I can show you my awesome Elvis impersonation? Thank you . . . thank you very much.”
Hmmm . . . so let me get this straight . . . at the end of “Inside” the Dan character publishes a book similar to “Inside,” which is actually similar to the Gossip Girl books, on which the Gossip Girl show is based?
Excuse me, I think my head just popped off trying to wrap my brain around all this . . .
Don’t worry . . . I’ll put it back on . . .
Dan continues to assure the publisher’s assistant that the Dylan character in the book is NOT actually him. And yet he’s frightened to tell all his friends about the book, because the Dylan character’s friends in the book are almost exactly like THEM, with some key changes. You know, as the apparent “voice of his generation,” Donut Dan sure isn’t particularly creative, now, is he? If he REALLY didn’t want his friends and family to know this was a memoir, he might have tried . . . I don’t know . . . being a bit more inventive about his character’s names . . .
“Coming up with character names is HARD.”
Here are the characters’ in Dan’s book:
Dan Humphrey = Dylan Hunter
Blair Waldorf = Claire Carlyle
Serena VanDerWoodsen = Sabrina VonSomething
Nate Archibald = Derek VonSomething (more on that later)
Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout
No . . . actually . . . you’re Charlie Trout. Didn’t you read the book?
For one thing, it would make the inevitable defamation lawsuits a lot easier to defend against . . .
Dan finally relents, and asks for six copies of his book, so that he can deliver them personally to his so-called friends, only some of whom actually know how to read . . .
Elsewhere in town, Blair is complaining about her ever-growing pregnancy boobs . . .
And I have to say, whatever the makeup and wardrobe department are doing with Leighton Meester to make her look pregnant (whether it’s the oddly flat hair, or the tired eyes, or the slightly paler skin, or the not entirely flattering dresses ), it’s WORKING. 🙂 (Don’t worry, Blair! We still think your gorgeous. If you weren’t, every single solitary male character on this show wouldn’t be madly in love with you.)
“Yes, I know. I’m awesome.”
Where was I? Oh yes . . . Blair’s boobs . . . Cue Louis-bot to rise up and fondle said tatas mechanically, as he makes a not particularly funny joke about Blair’s bad moods not being related to pregnancy hormones, since Blair always suffers from mood swings, anyway. (Real nice, Douche!)
“How else can I make you feel extremely uncomfortable about your pregnancy? Ooh! I know, I can squeeze your boobs, while making honking noises.”
In Louis-bot’s defense, most of the robots I know can barely get through a simple knock-knock joke. So, are far as cyborgs go, his sense of humor is fairly advanced.
“I am a comedic genius! (Take that, R2D2!)”
Blair worries that Louis’ parents won’t respond well to her pregnancy, and that she will end up on some trashy reality show, like Unwed and Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed. (In other news, MTV has just added two new reality shows to its line-up.) Louis assures her that his parents will be THRILLED that she’s knocked up, since they have always viewed royal women as nothing more than Future-King Making Machines, anyway. Heaven forbid, she actually gives birth to a girl! Off with her head!
(Don’t worry! I won’t post the Decapitation Picture, again!)
Meanwhile, Serena is totally rocking at her job, and completely impressing her new boss. Clearly, we must have stepped into an Alternate Universe of some sort, where Serena actually has Life Goals.
“Wait a second, did you just call me a smart cookie? Am I being punked?”
Of course, her most impressive feat is getting Daniel Day Lewis’ people to call her boss back, on possibly starring in a movie, just by sending him flowers with the script, or something. Yeah . . . something tells me “flowers” wasn’t the only thing Serena sent Daniel Day Lewis. Then again, maybe “flowers,” is a euphemism for something else . . .
“Hey Mr. Lewis, wanna see my flower?”
Meanwhile, Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side Diana, and her Flying Monkey Nate (not to be confused with Chuck’s Monkey, of course), are busy plotting World Domination, and raping the cell phones of Manhattan’s elite . . .
“That Anthony Weiner guy is HILARIOUS!”
Of particular interest to Diana is the cell phone that USED to belong to Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, since she suspects the owner of that cell phone is the key to a BIG story of some sort. Diana also wishes she had Blair’s and Serena’s phones. Unfortunately, for her, apparently, there are some things even a Flying Monkey won’t do. And one of those things is screw over your friends . . . both of whom, coincidentally, Nate has already screwed.
It should come as no surprise to you that my favorite scene in this episode, features none other than that Dynamic Duo, Chuck and Blair, as they “coincidentally,” meet up with one another, on their way to the Non-Judging Breakfast Club Book Club Meeting Dan has arranged.
Considering how heartbreakingly poignant, Chuck and Blair’s last meeting was . . .
. . . it was kind of refreshing to see these two former (and future) lovers, reunite, so soon after that epic devastation, and fall right back into the easy comfortable flirtation that embodies their one-of-a-kind relationship. Of course, Chuck was walking his new best friend,
Dan Monkey, at the time. And watching the three (well, four, if you count Blair’s unborn baby BASS, BASS, IT HAS TO BE A BASS Louis-bot) together, I couldn’t help feeling as though I was looking at the future first branches of the new Bass family tree . . .
“Blair, I know you want to
have sex dance with me, but we have to go meet Dopey Dan about his book.”
This becomes even more apparent, when Chuck drops his carefree facade to ask Blair, in earnest, how she is doing. In response, Blair instinctively clutches her stomach, where her unborn baby lies, before telling him that she is doing well.
“You take good care of that Little Bass-tard. Do you hear me?”
The moment is at once, sweet, subtle, and meaningful, as it illustrates the ever-lasting connection between Chuck and Blair, one that supercedes petty jealousies and paternity tests. At this point in our story, Chuck is convinced that he will never again experience the joy of having Blair as a lover. And yet he still cares so deeply for her, that he is willing to put his own personal heartache aside, in order to ensure her continued happiness.
Comfortable comraderie and witty banter give way to electric chemistry, and hidden longing, when Monkey starts trying to escape Chuck’s grasp, causing Blair to “accidentally” jump into Chuck’s waiting arms. The usually confident Chuck is adorably shy in this scene, mumbling something about squirrels, as he tries to reign in his impulse to kiss this beautiful soon-to-married woman on the mouth.
Blair too seems temporarily caught up in the moment, and is a bit breathless, when she finally extracts herself from Chuck’s grasp.
It’s time for Dan’s Big Meeting, where he finally tells everyone (except Chuck, who already knows) that they are the stars of his book.
Dan wants all of them to read what he wrote in a SINGLE DAY (selfish much?), so that they can decide whether they still like him enough to attend his book party. At first, we don’t get too many details, except for the tantalizing tidbit that, for some reason we will learn a bit later, Dan has decided to make Nate’s character GAY . . .
Nate seems surprisingly cool with this, provided his character is portrayed as being highly adept at getting dick. And if the little clip / daydream / flashback we got of Nate and his LOVER is any indication, our resident boy toy was portrayed faithfully in that regard. (Though, admittedly, Nate’s book beau does seem about 10 years younger than the people Nate USUALLY dates.)
He IS pretty hot, though . . .
By the way, watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of THIS . . .
Certain that she will be portrayed horribly in the book, given the pair’s checkered past, Blair is unusually icy and insulting to Dan, even for her. And if I said this didn’t make my Chair loving heart sing, I’d be lying.
She actually calls Dan’s book “America’s Next Doorstop,” (which is pretty clever, by the way). She also bails on his party, to meet with Louis’ parents, and tells Dan that she’s not even going to read it. OUCH!
The not-at-all-conceited Serena promises Blair that “everybody loves a villain,” but only because she’s certain Dan will portray her as the perfect little innocent flower that she still honestly believes herself to be.
Speaking of people who live in a bubble, Faux-Charlie somehow convinces Nate that she can find the owner of that phantom cell phone, who is DEFINITELY NOT her, NO SIR!
“I NEED my cell phone back, without it, I’ll never remember what my name is supposed to be today.”
After the meeting, everyone starts finding out what Dan wrote about them from others, but few of them actually READ the book. You know . . . because reading is like . . . hard . . . and stuff. Silly Serena has no qualms about telling her coworkers that she is the real life “Sabrina” in Dan’s book, because, like I said, she’s positive she’s going to come out of this smelling like a rose. But then, she learns that her character smells more like poo, and wishes she wasn’t so hasty to reveal her identity.
“Sabrina” is slutty, flighty, often drunk, irresponsible, selfish, and self-absorbed. Now THAT doesn’t sound like anybody WE know, does it? In fact, “Sabrina” / Serena is apparently portrayed like such a worthless waste of life, that DANIEL DAY LEWIS doesn’t want to work with her BOSS, even though Serena bought him FLOWERS!
Riiiight . . . because famous actors always make their decisions on what movies they plan to do based on how many people the production company assistants for those movies have had sex with!
Complete lack of believability aside, Dan pretty much ruined Serena’s BIG AMAZING TWO WEEK LONG CAREER with his
totally true piss poor betrayal of her in his book.
“Oops. Did I do that?”
You know who else’s life is getting ruined by Dan’s book? BLAIR! Because Dan apparently used his “memoir” to live out his NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN wet dreams of bedding the Queen Bee. When Louis-Bot reads this, he TOTALLY malfunctions, believing what he’s read, INSTANTLY, without even asking Blair if it’s true. (What a loving future husband? Right?) This short circuit in his Perfect Prince Microchip causes him to cancel his parents arrival, during which he was supposed to inform them about the pregnancy, and storm off like a toddler, much to Blair’s horror.
“You do realize the douchier you are to me, the shorter your guest star character arc will be.”
Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging out with Chuck and Monkey, while worrying (with good reason) about how everyone is going to react to his book.
I tend to find Dan at his most tolerable, when he’s hanging out with Chuck. These two are just adorable together. And I love how utterly non-judgmental Chuck is about . . . well . . . everything! “Scotch?” Chuck offers, as Dan cuddles with Monkey (but doesn’t spank his own, thankfully).
“It’s 2 p.m.” Dan whines.
“Valium then,” Chuck responds coyly.
Dan then notes that while his dad is probably finished with the book, Nate is only page 20. I actually think that is a harsh assessment. I think, by this point, Nate probably finished the book, from cover to cover. Then, once he didn’t find any pictures, he put it away, and went back to reading Curious George.
“Ahhh, Curious George! I love that little scamp!”
Dan, of course, is wondering why Chuck, of all people, is being so nice to him, considering he KILLED HIM IN THE BOOK!
Oh wait . . . it gets worse. Do you want to know HOW DAN KILLED CHUCK? Well, they don’t exactly come out and say it, but based on context clues, I’d say it has something to do with a little thing called auto-erotic asphyxiation.
I’m not going to describe that to you in depth, because this site has already been labeled as having adult content, without me telling you what that is. But you can go ahead, and Google it, if you dare. All you need to know, if that Chuck’s character’s death in the book was “accidental,” even though he SEEMS to have hung himself in his closet by a belt. (Chuck claims, in real life, he would have used a designer scarf.) Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, kiddies?
Don’t cry , Chuck! We don’t believe anything that bad man said about you!
By the way, was anyone else wondering how DAN came up with the idea to make auto-erotic asphyxiation a plot point? Hmmm . . .
Anywhoo, Chuck reminds Dan that all success comes at a price, including his own . . . wise sage words, for a guy who’s alter ego is currently hanging in the closet next to the Armani suits . . .
Speaking of “only up to page twenty” Nate, Dan’s assessment of him was actually pretty close to correct, since, instead of reading the book, Nate was busy allowing Faux-Charlie to steal back her own phone from Diana’s office. This, of course, ultimately led to Diana putting two and two together about who Charlie was, and blackmailing her for information about the Upper East Side crew, in exchange for keeping her secret. It looks like Diana won’t need Nate to get intel on Blair, Chuck and Serena, after all . . .
“I’ll get you my pretty. And your little Ivy / Charlie / Call Me Serena too . . .”
But back to Nate, I’m starting to think he really might NOT actually be able to read, as Chuck had to explain to him that his alter ego, a gay character named Derek VonSomething, who’s two years younger than the rest of the characters, and Serena’s character’s little brother, is actually much more Eric VanDer Woodsen, then he is Nate Archibald . . .
“You put me in your book, Dan? I’m going to get REVENGE on you (but only because I left Gossip Girl to star in a show called REVENGE)!”
I think it’s kind of funny, that Nate’s character is probably the most positively portrayed of all the characters, yet he’s pissed because he has to share him with Eric! “But I’m YOUR BEST FRIEND!” Nate whines on the phone to Dan, before his Mommy comes to change his poopy diaper.
This is probably one of the few times during the hour, when I’m actually on DAN’S side. And when Nate balks at the notion of showing up at his supposed best friend’s book party, I can’t help but kind of wish that Dan hung Nate’s character in a closet, at the end of the novel . . . well . . . I guess Nate’s character would probably hang OUTSIDE of the closet. But that’s neither here nor there . . .
Worst Book Party EVER!
“But Serena, when I said you were flighty and irresponsible, I only meant like 98.6% of the time. The rest of the time, you’re fabulous.”
All the poo really hits the fan at Dan’s book signing party, where Serena and Blair confront Dan to rip him a new one for their portrayals in the book. Then, Dan has to try to stop Louis-bot and Blair for coming to blows with one another over the little Dair sex scene he included therein. “I thought my suspicions about the two of you were ridiculous. But, it turns out, the only thing ridiculous is me,” bleats out Louis-bot.
Well, he’s right about one thing. . .
Dan earns some major points with me, by admitting to Louis that said sex never actually happened . . .
And earns some more points, by informing Serena that the world doesn’t revolve around her, when she completely IGNORES the turmoil that HER friend is undoubtedly going through, regarding the impending breakup of her marriage, as a result of this book. “If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair, and what I did to you, then maybe all that stuff about you in the book actually IS true,” says Dan.
Slight redemption aside, Blair isn’t about to let Dan off the hook so easily for humilating her in this way. “You better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one,” she tells him. And then later, she says, “Get it through your head, There is no US! There never was! All we had was friendship! And now there is not even that.”
“And for the record, Dan Humphrey, I’ve seen FANFICTION writers who are better at writing smut than you.”
Woah! Meanwhile, outside, Chuck is calmly trying to hit on the publisher’s assistant, who is really quite awful, isn’t she? I mean she really knows how to make a person feel like crap.
“The economy is never going to get better. The world is doomed for all eternity. And you are going to die, alone and unloved. And so is your dog. By the way, my name is Alexandra. Nice to meet you.”
Alexandra casually remarks about Charlie Trout’s auto-erotic demise, wondering how long he hung in the closet, before anyone found him. “I have plenty of staff. I’m sure they would find me rather quickly,” explains Chuck. “Because . . .”
“Staff . . . not friends and family? That’s even worse,” replies the EVIL WENCH.
Excuse me? Do you not realize you are talking to a REAL person about their LIFE, you DESPICABLE SHREW! You know what, Alexandra? If YOU were hanging in the closet, something tells me YOUR so-called friends and family would throw a party RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE.
Did I go too far? Sorry . . . I get very sensitive about my Chuck Bass.
Speaking of Chuck, he totally saves the day (though I kind of wish he didn’t), by rushing out to tell Louis what a MORON he is, for letting go of a girl like Blair . . .
“If you read Dan’s book, you know how I turn out. You have a chance to be happy, and not end up alone, hanging in a closet. Don’t give up you’re own fact for someone else’s fiction.”
WOW! That was really beautiful. And I must admit, it made me a little teary . . .
You know what else made me teary, when Chuck came to Lily toward the end of the episode, and admitted that he didn’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy anymore, and that he feared that Blair was lost to him forever . . .
I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at Lily for simply AGREEING with him, though. What is this, Make Chuck Want to Kill Himself Day?
Things start to go slightly better for the OTHER members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, when Serena and Blair share a sweet heart-to-heart, in which Blair FINALLY tells Serena she is pregnant. And the pair remind us why we’ve always loved their friendship so much, in the first place. (Yes, I make fun of Serena A LOT. But I do thoroughly enjoy her friendship with the rest of the GG gang. See, I’m not a total heartless bastard.)
“You may be flighty, irresponsible, selfish, and slutty, but I LOVE YOU!”
Then Louis-bot apologizes to Blair, as he always seems to do in the last five minutes of every episode, after he inevitably does something douchey . . .
It’s not his fault, of course. This is just how he’s been programmed to behave by the mad scientist who created him . . .
Commence battery recharge . . .
Then, Serena’s boss tells her that she wants her to get the movie rights to “Inside,” which, honestly, we all should have smelled coming a mile away. (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Blakey Lively will play the part of Sabrina?)
I said the Non-Judging Breakfast Club was doing better at the end of the episode, but that doesn’t include Dan. In fact, Dan’s OWN FATHER is incredibly hurt by HIS portrayal in the novel. Dan wrote him as a money-grubbing trophy husband, which, while not entirely false, is actually a quite terrible thing to say about the person who raised you . . .
“I’ll only forgive you, if you get George Clooney to play me in the movie.”
Granted, Rufus never struck me as the smartest dad on the block, but compared to some of the other fathers on teen television, he’s practically a saint. And he really didn’t deserve this kind of treatment . . .
The episode ends, much like it began, with Dan Humpty Dumpty doomed to follow in his character, Dylan Hunter’s footsteps, loved by the masses, but still utterly alone. And because that’s an awfully depressing way to end an episode, I’d like to leave you on a much brighter note . . .
Until next time, XOXO!