Ah, New Girl. There is so much to love about this show. It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another, just because they can . . .
But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .
Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life. This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.
Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan. Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory. I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .
But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life. She’ll take what she can get.
You might not know this about me, but I also sing bad 90’s music, while in the shower. And I too have an awful singing voice. Now, that’s what I call kismet . . .
. . . and they awkwardly rally around her, trying to cheer her up, as opposed to merely be annoyed at her, like they were, when she first moved in . . .
Nick, in particular, seems deeply affected by Jess’ loss. It even causes him to develop an Eye Twitch . . .
Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts. This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .
Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .
Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?
Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom. And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation. (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)
One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed. Sorry, Nick! Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .
Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!
And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?
Nick did. And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .
I actually find this really impressive, Nick. My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication! (Now, go take a shower, and get a haircut.)
Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD. We’ve all done it before. And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later. We’re human. And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.
That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken penis heart.
Poor Jess! Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day! (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together! They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)
Question: When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does? I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.
Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.” I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .
(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)
Not this . . .
This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise. Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .
Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait! Turn it back on! After 80 times, I finally get it! It’s . . . A RIVER!”
Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far! Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.
Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .
Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness. What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire. He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones! It’s just a matter of timing . . .
But it’s not to who you think . . . She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick. Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar. Damn!
The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze
So, you guys remember Paul? You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode? The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened? Yeah . . . he’s back. That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?
Here’s my question. Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks? What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time? Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects? Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping? Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.” Just saying . . .
Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again. She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much. And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess . . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .
Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego. But Paul ends up beating her to the punch. And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier. Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven. Jess knows “true love” when she sees it except when it comes to her and Nick. And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .
Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . . right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on. It was the most awkward . . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul. Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet . . . It was beautiful.
OK . . . not really. But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail. When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it! (At least that’s how it works on TV!)
Jess rushes home. She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide. But will he listen?
“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”
How very Clockwork Orange of you!
Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode, Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .
Serious times call for serious measures. So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline. It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .
. . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person. He wouldn’t leave his couch. And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .
That’s beautiful, Nick! Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself.
Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them. But not Nick. The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .
But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart. (Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase. What the heck are “cockles,” anyway? They sound dirty.) She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship. And she wants to be in one with him . . .
Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.
Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.
Attention: We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)
We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .
“You deserve love.”
Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?
We’ve got some of that! Things actually start out really promising. It’s the end of the episode. Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less. She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot . . .
It’s enough to get any girl flustered. Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared. And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation. (Though, to be honest. I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.) Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing. She tells him that when love is real, and right. It’s right all the time.
She says all the right things. And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her face and kiss her, right?
And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.
Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.
Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul? Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick? Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?
As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that. And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.
Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see. Either you have it . . .
The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes. Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . . so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .
I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.
Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.
Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”
Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.
It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.
Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)
Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?
Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .
But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?
*giggle snort* “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”
After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see. What’s up with that? Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)
. . . Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell. When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.
Jess isn’t worried, though. She has this situation under control. She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.
At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .
. . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation . . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.
“Threesome, anyone?”
Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on. Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli. (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant. Poor girl.) During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .
. . . Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.
She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.” Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face. But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it. “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.
Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion. YAYYYYY! WOO- HOO! YIPPEE! What a shame!
“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”
Hasta la vista, Rusty. You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends. And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .
Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood. And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about. I feel your pain, Nick. Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships. They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.
That said, you know what made ME happy? The last scene of this episode. (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)
Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world. And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee. The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.
I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.
Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex. Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now. She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated. And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.
Nick, of course, knows none of this. He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink. And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on. What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward, sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.
Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force. Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink). Well, you got it, honey!
[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
*clears throat*
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
Also, Winston got a new job. And Schmidt . . . um . . . got laid some more . . .
But this isn’t a recap. It’s a “teaching post.” So . . . let’s get down to learning, shall we?
(And don’t worry. I promise there won’t be a quiz, afterwards . . .)
Lesson Number One: A corn holder (So, THAT’s what those things are called that hold your corn! Clever!) can double as a Gentleman’s Shiv! Talk about getting a good bang for your buck!
Lesson Number Six: Apparently, there’s this amazing new drinking game out there called True American. And now, I know how to play it. (Actually, New Girl didn’t really teach me how to play this game. But the lovely folks who took the time to write the rules down on Wikipedia did!)
And NO, he will not let you sit on his shoulders . . . (no matter how politely you ask).
Lesson Number Nine: This one is for all you guys out there. I’m looking at YOU, Nick Miller. If you want to be Jess’ lover, you have to get with her friends. (And, yes, that IS a Spice Girls song.)
Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?
I know, I DO! But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television. After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .
That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.
Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE! I’m going to do it, anyway! (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus. So, what do YOU care?)
So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .
Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”
This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .
“You can trust me! I’m a Disney Princess!”
Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .
Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .
And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes. This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .
I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress. (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)
P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was. (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)
Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you. Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?
Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable. This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character. For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show. Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes. (They are already on their fourth.)
Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right? You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . . .
So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table. (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease. So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)
Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .
Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee. Happy Passover!
Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side. But he’s a smart guy. And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .
And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs! He must do Pilates. Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you . . . bigger.
Or . . . maybe not. But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not. From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week. And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . . .
Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .
Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”
It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself . . .
And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .
Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .
Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore. We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . . .
(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale, lately . . .)
In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .
Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .
You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment. Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .
Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .
Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. It was rather disturbing . . .
And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.
Puppies make me mushy. Babies? Meh!
Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .
P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME! (We can be short and snarky together!)
I tend not to recap sitcoms. I just find it kind of difficult to say something uniquely “witty and amusing” about a show, whose main purpose is to be “witty and amusing.” In short, sitcoms are usually funnier than I am. And that makes me feel inferior . . .
However, lately I’ve come to develop a bit of an obsession with television character, Nick Miller (MARRY ME, NICK MILLER!) the sitcom New Girl. The show is surprisingly smart and quirky, in an oddly relatable way. Every episode is chock full of compulsively quotable one liners.
Also, the entire cast has great chemistry with one another. And the relationships between the show’s main characters are captivating and fun to watch . . .
OK . . . OK . . . So, maybe there is one relationship on the show in which I’m just a teensy weensy bit more invested than the others. I’m a girl. SUE ME!
Therefore, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a “recap” of this week’s episode of New Girl, in which I shameless mooch off the gif-making abilities of others, and include very little of my own original content. . . .
Poor Nick! He can’t get a new cell phone, because he weighs more than his credit score. (By the way, I didn’t know the cell phone company actually checked your credit score. This makes me feel a little violated. It also makes me think that Nick would be great in those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials . . . you know, the ones with the scruffy, but oddly hot guy, with the bad credit score, who lives with his mom, plays the banjo, and sometimes dresses up in a pirate costume . . .)
Nick’s misfortune is apparently a source of great amusement to the Good Folks at Verizon, who tease him mercilessly. You know, because people who sell cell phones for a living are always Bastions of Conservative Spending.
Personally, I’m not sure why Nick didn’t just buy one of those nifty prepaid cell phones at the local Quick-e-Mart. But I guess that wouldn’t be very funny . . . unless, of course, the “Mart” in question was owned by Apu from The Simpsons . . .
While walking home from the cell phone store, Jess tries to cheer up Nick, by telling him the not having a cell phone might actually make him seem “cool” and “mysterious” . . . like a Mole Person . . . or the Unibomber.
And hey, at least he will never have to worry about going over his text messaging limit!
At this rate, Nick is going to have to invest in some genuinely ambitious carrier pigeons, if he wants to maintain his social life. (Carrier pigeons don’t check credit scores. Do they? Remind me to ask the cast of Game of Thrones about this. They owe me one.)
In a surprise show of Roommate Solidarity, Jess offers to throw out her phone too . . .
But then, Nick reminds her that he gave his mom her number, in case of emergencies . . . a sure sign of budding love, if ever there was one . . .
OK, so now we know why Nick hates the rich and people who work at Verizon. But what about Jess? Well, it turns out, she had her own little “Lizzie Meets Mr. Darcy” Moment at school, earlier that day.
Just like their iconic literary predecessors, Jess’ first meeting with Russell, a father of one of her students, doesn’t exactly go well. The fact that Jess was dressed like this certainly didn’t help matters . . .
By the way, check out the board behind Jess’ head. Ahh . . . if only I had Ms. Day as a teacher when I was eleven. I would TOTALLY be writing letters to convicts, and checking my head for lice, instead of “engaging in intercourse,” while in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. (What kind of hippy dippy school is this?) Then again, when it comes to protecting your vegetables from STDs, I guess it’s never too early to learn . . .
As for single dad, Russell, he seems much less concerned with Jess’ Salad-Friendly take on sex education, than with her insistence on the students’ daily forays into artistic expression. Apparently, he’s a bit concerned by his daughter, Sara’s decision to create this piece, entitled “A Trip to the Mall with Grandma.”
(Coincidentally, I have a piece just like this, hanging over my bed . . .)
Possibly worried that, in her next work of art, his daughter will substitute real human heads for baby doll ones, Russell angrily informs Jess that, from now on, Sara will be “opting out” of “artistic expression time,” and will, instead, engage in, “Solo Study Hall.” Jess — who never met a baby doll head, or bloodied white glove, she didn’t like — is furious that Russell is squashing poor little Sara’s dreams of becoming a serial killer an installation artist. When she complains to her principal, the latter warns her not to rock the boat, when it comes to Russell, who is apparently a Big Money Donor to the school. In fact, according to the principal, Russell might pull his funding, if he is dissatisfied with the way his daughter is being educated.
Not one to be so easily swayed, Jess offers her principal alternatives to taking scholastic money from “The Man.”
But the principal is not amused, and demands that Jess apologize to Russell Rich Guy for her behavior. At the horns of a moral and ethical dilemma, Jess turns to her roommates for help. Winston and Schmidt think she should suck it up and apologize, for the sake of her job. But Nick is all, “Damn Mr. Fancyman. Save the Empire!”
Jess decides to take Nick’s advice, because she’s secretly in love with him and stuff. (Hey, no one said this recap wouldn’t be biased!)
On her way to meet Russell Rich guy, and give him a piece of her mind, she has Schmidt and Nick on the phone, for moral support. With Nick chanting, “We ARE the 99 percent,” in her ear, she can’t lose . . . that is . . . until her old clunker of a car breaks down, and Russell, himself, arrives to witness the embarrassment . . .
“Weird Guy” Russell gallantly offers Jess his Bentley, so that she can drive home, without having to worry about bursting into flames by staying in her car . . . He does this, despite knowing absolutely nothing about her, aside from the fact that she often has men remove their condoms themselves, after intercourse, and lets his daughter draw decapitated heads during “Art Time.” (Hey, no one said rich people were smart.)
Though Jess initially rebuffs Russell’s offer, she eventually grudgingly accepts his help . . . the lure of a working automobile, being simply too enticing to pass up . . .
Later, back at the house, Jess admits to her bestie, Cece, that she’s been invited to Russell Rich Guy’s Fancy Rich People Cook Out, but doesn’t want to attend. Always one to offer the Tough Love, Cece chastizes Jess for being afraid of grown-up men, who might actually be capable of taking care of her, as opposed to the other way around. (Wow, New Girl just got deep!)
Meanwhile, in B-plot Land, Winston is feeling inferior, because he isn’t as good at triva as Schmidt. And it’s making him look bad in front of his new girlfriend . . .
When Schmidt’s repeated offers to “put on some Jodeci” to help set the mood, don’t help, Winston turns to the kid he sometimes babysits for, for help . . .
But it turns out, even the kid is better at trivia than Winston. So, this only makes him feel worse. But then, everything kind of sorts itself out, when Winston’s girlfriend tells him that she loves him . . . wait for it . . . just the way he is . . .
Back in A-plot Land, Jess takes Nick as her date to Russell Rich Guy’s cook out. (Naturally!) Remember in Pride and Prejudice, when Elizabeth Bennett visits Mr. Darcy’s estate, for the first time, and is initially totally put off by how ridiculously big and expensive everything looks. (“He’s just so . . . rich.”) But then she sees that massive bust of his head, and completely falls in love with all the wonderful things money that can buy? Well, that’s kind of what happen to Jess and Nick, as they explore Russell’s mansion, completely unaccompanied. (You’d think a guy like Russell could afford an alarm system . . . or at least some doors with locks.)
Though unimpressed by the “snooty island” in Russell’s kitchen, Nick is immediately captivated by Russell’s Sexy Mysterious Benefector in a Romance Novel Office . . .
. . . which does give her a “deep cleaning,” but not exactly in the way she might have intended . . .
Count on Jess to crank the bidet up to “Six Happy Faces,” when Three is all that is necessary to give one’s bum a solid washing . . . Of course, it’s Russell to the rescue, once again . . . breaking into the bathroom at the last moment, to rescue his Damsel in Dist-Jess, like Batman, Ironman, or any of those other obnoxiously rich superheros out there . . .
Jess is grateful, but incredibly embarrassed, and wants out of La Casa de Ridiculously Wealthy, ASAP. But good ole, Nick has seen the light, and doesn’t want her to leave . . . thanks to a soulful conversation he recently had with, you guessed it, Russell McPerfect. The latter walks in on Nick, in a bit of an awkward moment, but not quite the type of “awkward moment” you might expect . . .
(Hmm . . . I wonder what kind of inanimate objects Russell Rich is sexually attracted to? Stock certificates, perhaps?)
Russell somehow manages to tell the chronically underachieving Nick that he should “grow up,” without sounding snobby or condescending. Russell also admits that he likes Jess a lot. The admission touches Nick, so much, that he immediately becomes Team Jess and Russelll . . . (or, rather, the way I like to see it, Team Jess and Happiness . . . . because I refuse to believe that Nick would rather Jess be coupled with anyone but Nick, himself . . . were it not for his own current financial shortcomings).
So, back in, Jess goes . . . And for her courage, she’s rewarded with a dinner date invitation from Russell Rich . . . (If she plays her cards right, there may even be eggrolls involved, and/or cucumbers with condoms on top.)
Unfortunately, Russell’s instructions regarding Chair Sweater Folding Techniques prevent him from being as effective a superhero as he otherwise might have been . . .
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The Exquisite Corpse
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