Tag Archives: Mayor Lockwood

Suck and Blow – A Recap of Vampire Diaries’ “Memorial”

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Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it.  But will it call you the next day?

Poor Elena!  We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers?  You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .

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I don’t know about you guys,  but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .

Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode.  Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking.  So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Bambi’s Mother is TOTALLY judging you . . .

Somewhere deep in the forests of Mystic Falls, a group of happy woodland creatures are laughing their asses off at Stefan and Elena . . .

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I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.

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But when Elena started weeping in the woods, after failing to complete her kill . . .

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And then the two started humping one another against a nearby tree . . .

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And then Elena, left mid-hump to yak up poor Bambi’s mother all over the soft lush grass . . .

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 . . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .

I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!

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Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints.  Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago.  Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.

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Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut.  Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .

Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.

“Hi!  I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”

Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here.  I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies.  And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .

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 . . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I liked her!  (I know some fans didn’t.)  It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.

Special delivery for APRIL!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode.  April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.

“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire.  No, seriously.  . . it’s on fire.”

HUH?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock?  It’s a good thing April’s adorable.  Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE.   You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .

Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .

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Poor Damon!  It must suck to be repeatedly wrongfully accused of brainwashing a sizeable portion of the town to char-grill themselves into oblivion.

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Though, I must say, you’re not exactly helping your case for “sanity” by saving a seat at the bar for a Man Who Isn’t There . . . or is he?

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By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap?  I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .

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Speaking of shippers having field days . . .

In which Damon lends a very horny helping hand . . .

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Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.”  To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department.  For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.

Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence.  That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger.  And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.

Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s.  I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.

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Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways.  And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .

So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX .  . .

This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.

And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more.  I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex.  I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.

I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.

And, perhaps most of all,  loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”

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Stefan was right to be jealous of this moment, shared between two supposed non-lovers.  It was pretty hard core . . .

Speaking of naughty hands . . .

Coitus interuptus . . .  via handshake?

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You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode.  The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius.  Also genius?  The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand.  (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)

Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.

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If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .

But that’s not all.  Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact.  Ah!  But Tyler is not a regular vampire.  He’s a hybrid.  So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .

Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .

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At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive.  Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.

Just a thought .  . .

Damon Salvatore . . . Germaphobe?

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Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . .  . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again.  Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .

This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.

Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .

Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well.  (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)

I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .

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Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . .  Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how,  if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .

Just a thought . . .

As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . .  Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .

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Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.

RUH-ROH!  I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!!!

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The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly.  Ummm . ..  Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE!  Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . .  As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .

In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.

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And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell.  And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .

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 . . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .

This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .

It doesn’t go so well . . .

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And Stefan certainly doesn’t help matters by PUNCHING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE . . .

WAIT!  WHAT?

Oh, yeah . . . that whole Delena SEX blood-sharing thing . . . I almost forgot . . . let’s relive it again, shall we?

Mind Control 101: It works better, if you don’t eat your subject’s brain, before you try to “wash” it.

Caroline’s and Elena’s daring campaign to save Adorable!April runs into a bit of a snag, when Hungry Elena tries to  . . . um . . . eat her . . .

Caroline calmly informs Elena that eating fellow orphans is big NO-NO.

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She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl.  Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .

“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says.  “People said really nice things.”

Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!

Poor Adorable!April.  Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .

Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns

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After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .

I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention.  But NOOOOO . . .

Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .

Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .

In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.

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The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .

And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.

And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .

By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show.  It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .

Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah.  It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.”  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Heart of Glass – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset”

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Hey Fangbangers!  So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD.  And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls.  You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die  . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).

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Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead.  (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)

So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem.  We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.

Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”

Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one!  Never have I ever died on this show.”

Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”

Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you!  Everyone drink up!”

(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here.  If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)

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Nothing says loving, like a pony pic!

The Clean-up Crew

The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.

Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!

Oh no!  Not another flashback episode.  I always hate those.  Oh wait . .  . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher.  Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey.  And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.

Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?

Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.

This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . . 

Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us.  It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.”  Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.

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Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?”  If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2.  He even chaperoned the school dance!

Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less!  If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.

“I don’t even really like teaching.  But the benefits are unmatched.  And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”

Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show.  I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart?  Now, that’s dedication!

“Popularity is super important to me.  After all, if I didn’t have friends?  Who would I eat?”

But Rebekah’s not alone.  Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too.  Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!

I’m sorry.  That was politically incorrect.  Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”

Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning.  With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . .  . like, for example, “Golly gee!  I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”

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And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours.  I know you really liked him.  It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”

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You know, the usual sort of chitchat . . .

Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers.  And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.”  (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)

Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.

“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric!  What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”

Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake.  Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight.  This is actually kind of erotic . . .

Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”

Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*

Rebekah: “Hey!  No fair!  You can’t just pull it out like that?  What do you think this is,  the rhythm method?”

Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . .  . at least, not in this episode.  She knows when a fight is hers to lose.  And this one has Death Trap written all over it.  So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it.  (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time.  Hope no one was planning on  using it for. . .  like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open?  Poor Caroline!  It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car.  I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement. 

Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*

Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style.  Ouch!  She’s probably going to feel that in the morning.  While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness.  Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch!  The Prom Queen title is MINE!”

“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?

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Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?

Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you!  You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight.  (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them.  NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.

“Snookie and the Situation lied.  Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”

But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan.  Super Villain FAIL!

Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”

“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”

Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green.  (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric!  Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot.  I hope you are proud of yourself.)

If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes,  he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.

Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon.  To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear!  Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.

“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”

(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not.  After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely.  I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you.  I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)

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Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.

“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.

(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires .  . . unless he watches True Blood.)

Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements.  (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan!  You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of:  “Vampires suck.  I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)

“I know . . . it’s just .  . I just finished watching The Notebook again.  And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”

This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life.  Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door.  Surprise!  It’s the other man in her life . . .  some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)

Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later.  This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.

Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side  . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.

And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .

So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead.  The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead.  Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang  . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye.  Next week, it will be Klaus’ again .  . . oh . . . wait .  . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena.  How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)?  Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider.  After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?

And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore.  He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?

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Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub.  Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are.  They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back.  Unacceptable!

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Sorry Rebekah!  Hybrids, for the win.  It looks like you will be leaving this sorry ass, one-bar, town alone . . .

Klaus Mikaelson . . . Worst . . . Paperboy . . . EVER!

Oh Klaus . . . sketcher of smiley ponies . . .

.  . . painter of poop . . .

It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass.  And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy.  “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .

 . . . annnnnd then Klaus died.

Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena.  The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school.  To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people .  . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her.  Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”

“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone?  TV Recapper?  DELETE!”

Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house.  This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally.  And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . .  He throws a temper tantrum.

Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to  . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows?  Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.

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Suddenly, the Original Hybrid is chucking newspapers, soccer balls, pieces of white picket fence . . . anything he can get his hands on  . . .

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 . . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all.  It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!

I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house.  As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this?  Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway.  (Maybe Klaus ate them?)

Or Stefan . . .

Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games.   After all, they all want the same girl, right?  They might as well work together to get her back.

“B*tch PLEASE!”

Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer.  In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag.  “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.

“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.

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Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too.  He’s SO in!

The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it?  More on that, in a little bit . . .

Teacher’s Pet

That Nouveau Ric!  He’s such a sweetie.  Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena.  The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101.  Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.

Oh, Alaric.  You really haven’t thought this one through.  How is she supposed to take notes?

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Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more.  In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic.  But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories.  He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.

In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster.  Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.

“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric!  So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”

But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.

Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .

The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy

Surprise!  At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric.  Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.

The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.

Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby.  And I would have much rather her stayed GONE.  That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house .  . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires.  Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.

Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena).  And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . .  like Abby.

Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died .  . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell!   It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and .  . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny.   In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child.  It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”

Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say.  “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina.  It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.

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Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t.  But hey!  If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.

It’s settled them!  Black magic and veiny face be damned.  Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”

Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

But here’s a question:  what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily,  for the love of one teenage girl.  Do you even have to ask?  It’s Mini Gilbert of course.  (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women.  Life just isn’t fair.)

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Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS.  Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!

Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien?  There’s an app for that!

In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .

Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .

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 . . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.

Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.

But worry not, because hope is not yet lost.  Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.

It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .

The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.

Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals.  So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too.  In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest.  Problem solved  . . .Elena has been saved . . .  again . . . crisis averted, right?

WRONG!

Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!

We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now.  Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him.  So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids?  Apparently, not so much, anymore!  All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.

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But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue.  So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more.  DAMON!  DAMON!  IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!

Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet.  Actually she does answer Klaus’s question.  Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .

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Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact.  Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited.  But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right?  And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?

Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore.  So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend!  Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.

“Now, I’m gay for Damon!  Sorry!”

 And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.

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In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!

Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)

Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy.   This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.

“Need   . . . Botox . . . now.”

Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right?  Apparently not.  Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me.  I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .

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Temporarily Murdering Jeremy > vibrator

Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  EW!  I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).

Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them.  Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan.  It was both sad, and sexy at the same time.  And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.

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Still . . .  eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.

Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!

“Oh Bonnie.  I had the most awful dream.  You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”

But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body.  (Oh honey,  we saw your O-face.  Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)

When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.

The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew

At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her.  But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them.  DAMON!  DAMON! DAMON!

They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.

In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena.  I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS!  I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.

It never happened.  And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.

Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.

Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”

At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”

But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake.  “And hey,” Damon adds.  “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”

Good old Damon.  Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies.  That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?

It’s a CELEBRATION!

It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD.  But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.

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Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice.  But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade!  No sir!

And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls,  Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.”  Now, it’ just a hunch.   But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME!  (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons  . . .)

In more bad news . . .

So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls.  A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender.  Well, this can’t be good . . .

“Don’t call it a nosebleed.  Call it a Blood Mustache.”

That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy.  The doppelganger LIVES!

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And I have proof!

Here  . . .

Here . . .

And here . . .

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!


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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .


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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .


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Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .

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At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!

 

Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.

“WOOHOO!  YIPPEE!”

One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .

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Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”

 

Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!

[ww

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It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 

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Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!

RUN, DEREK, RUN!

(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .

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It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

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“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.

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Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .

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Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .


“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?

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And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .

 . . . or THIS ONE . .

 . . . or THIS ONE (if you cropped your MOM out of it) . . .

Just trying to help . . .

Anyway, we are treated to some DRAMATICALLY HEARTBREAKING MUSIC as a tearful Allison RUSHES FROM THE CLASSROOM, in anguish, over the traumatizing sexts her werewolf ex-boyfriend sent her . . .

“I thought you’d at least have the decency to send me a picture of your weiner!  Don’t you care about me AT ALL?”

She wonders whether Scott was trying to “hurt her” by sending her those “painful memories.”  She’s going to need “some time,” before she can “work back to being Scott’s friend.”  (Uh, Sweetie Pie, I hate to break this to you.  But you were NEVER Scott’s friend.  You came . .  .  you saw . . . you screwed.  So, don’t be expecting that you two will be painting one another’s toenails at a slumber party, any time soon.  Mmmm ‘kay?)

“I Bet She’s a Screamer”

She sure looks like a screamer, in THIS picture! 

So, here are Scott and Stiles just minding their business a lunch . . . (Stiles is gorging on the fried finger food, as per usual . . .)

Now, clearly, this is a guy who never met something he didn’t want to shove in his mouth.  I can work with that . . .

All of the sudden, Jackson is eye-f*&king the pair hardcore, from across the lunchroom.  He’s also seductively eating his apple, and describing, in VERY graphic detail, all the sexual things he’s going to do to Allison, if Scott doesn’t help him become a wolf.  Though he’s halfway across the room, Scott can hear him speaking, as if he is whispering sweet nothings in his ear.  Jackson’s clearly done his research, and knows this.  And yet, since Scott’s supersonic hearing ability seems to be a tad on the selective side, I can’t help but wonder whether Jackson’s “wolfy connection” to Scott is what actually enables him to accomplish this feat.

But more on THAT later . . .

I have to admit, that as much as Jackson SUCKS SERIOUS ASS, I thought this scene was pretty hot.  The camera man focused on Jackson’s Angelina Jolie lips the entire time he was describing the way his hands were going to fondle Allison.  It was as erotic, as it was disturbing, and, I suspect, intentionally so  . . .

Scott tried to get his mind off things, by having the usually verbose Stiles distract him.  But alas, Stiles was a tad too distracted by his tater tots and the massive size of Jackson’s lips to be much help . . .

“Seriously?  Do you think he injects collagen in those things?”

Jackson’s goading of Scott affects the Teen Wolf so intensely, that he very nearly wolfs out right there in the cafeteria.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he manages to break his lunch tray, with his bare hands . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot Scott and Stiles decide that Scott should STEAL Allison’s necklace, since there is no chance in hell that she will give it to him, now . . .

Sink or Swim . . .

“So, all that stuff they say about shrinkage . . . is that true?” 

Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of wacked out school these guys go to, that they can randomly take a dip in the pool by themselves in the middle of the day, while a bunch of other students look on, boredly.  Nevertheless, here are Jackson and Allison swimming slower than my grandma “racing” eachother across the Olympic-size swimming pool, while Scott looks on enviously, and digs through Allison’s bag for the ever-elusive Ugly Ass Necklace.

I mean, seriously Jackson, I genuinely thought you had game, with all that great 1-900 Sex Talk you were giving Scott earlier.  But, here you are racing a woman in the pool, and — of all strokes — you choose the BREASTSTROKE, a.k.a. the least manly looking swim stroke of ALL TIME?  What gives, Dude?

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Yeah . . . go ahead . . . eat your apple.  It’s not going to change how I feel . . . that much.

That being said, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Jackson doesn’t really give two craps about Allison.  This whole goopy lovesick puppy act is all for Scott’s benefit, which is . . . interesting.

Speaking of girls Jackson isn’t really interested in, he dumps Lydia . . . by TEXT MESSAGE.

The Poor Girl is so far inside Scott’s jockstrap clueless about the nature of attraction that she hasn’t noticed that the writing has been on the wall for the end of this relationship, since the Pilot episode.  In fact, when she receives Jackson’s “Please drop off my housekey at your earliest convenience, as we are no longer dating.”  (Beautifully written . . . Jackson’s English teacher would be so proud.) text message, she automatically assumes its a joke, despite the fact that Jackson failed to include a “HaHa” at the end.  (Personally, I’ve always been more of an “LOL” girl myself.  I also use “JK”  under special circumstances).

Jackson callously tells a stunned Lydia that he is making some “changes” in his life.  Apparently, this includes dropping some “dead weight.”  And Jackson feels she is “the deadest.”

Now, whatever your feelings are about Lydia, you have to admit, that was pretty darn harsh.  (And you have to wonder whether the reference to Lydia as “dead” was meant to function as foreshadowing of some sort.)

ALSO . . . umm Jackson . . . how exactly is being a werewolf going to improve your dating life?  Are you expecting to start dating only poodles, now?

Don’t you worry, Red . . . you’ll get back on that horse again . . .

AHEM!

And now for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE part of this episode . . .

Derek Hale – Fashionplate Extraordinaire

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We all know how much Derek Hale likes to sneak up on people.  However, so far in the series “people” has been relegated to just “Scott.”  So,  you could imagine my pleasant surprise when Derek pays a surprise visit to my OTHER favorite character on this show . . .

“Uh oh!  Derek’s here.  I guess I should minimize my porn now . . .” 

Stiles screams out Derek’s name, rather loudly from the bedroom.  And Derek, who’s supersonic wolf hearing has informed him that Papa Stiles is outside the door, figures that Papa might have some question about THAT . . . So, Derek puts his foot down, and forces Stiles to confront his Proud Papa . . .

Awkwardness ensues in the hallway, as the manly Papa Stiles attempts to express how proud he is of his son for making the First Line in the school lacrosse game, based on a schoolwide outbreak of monkeypox, or something.   Between these two non-emotional men, I think the word “proud” is thrown out about 10 times, before the seemingly interminable conversation ends with a SURPRISINGLY INTENSE HUG . . .

I’m kind of loving Stiles’ dad, right now.  If anything happens to him on this show, HEADS WILL ROLL!

Then Stiles returns to where he belongs . . . up against Derek Hale’s manly chest.  I think I smell a TVD-inspired Wall Slam, coming on . . .

Is it just me, or is Derek’s hair looking particularly POOFY, today?

Though Derek clearly tries to manhandle and intimidate Stiles, our scrappy little hero is clearly able to hold his own.  After all, HE’S holding all the cards.  “Hey Dad, Derek Hale is in my room.  Bring guns!”  Stiles threatens.  “As long as I am harboring your fugitive ass, it’s my house, my rules.”

YOU GO, BOY!

At least, we have no solved the mystery of where Derek has been hiding out all this time . . .

As it turns out, while Scott is stealing the Ugly Ass Necklace, Stiles has a little project of his own to solve.  He wants to trace the faux-Scott text message to Allison from “The School Night” episode to its source.  And he knows just the guy to do it.  Apparently, our good pal, Danny, was quite the little hacker at age 13, and has a criminal record for overriding cell phone security.  (I’m liking him, already!)

Unfortunately, Danny still believes that he only came to Stiles’ house for sex to study, and he is not interested in Stiles’ illegal hacking assignment.  And so, Stiles must resort to more creative methods of persuasion to get Danny to comply with his wishes.  Fortunately, “cousin Miguel” is around to help . . .

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So, apparently, Derek Hale’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit is lacking in the fundamentals, like say, indoor plumbing and running water.  This would explain why Derek is forced to wear a bloody shirt around Stiles’ house.  Danny, of course, notices right away, which gives Stiles an idea . . .

He starts insisting that Derek put on one of HIS (Stiles’ shirts) knowing full well, that none of them will fit.  The result is an AMAZINGLY HOT, and hilarious fashion show, during which an adorably grouchy Derek (or should I say “Miguel”), alternates between blessed shirtlessness, and uber tight-shirted bliss .  . .  And YES I have “visual aids for you to enjoy . . .


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(Honestly, I can’t imagine Stiles actually wearing this shirt.  Can you?)

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You’re welcome, DANNY (and Stiles)!

Then Stiles makes a comment like, “I know you play for a different team, but you still play ball, don’t you, Danny Boy?”

WOAH!  Did Stiles just offer up Derek for SEX?  I could have sworn that’s what that line intimated.  Because, suddenly, Danny is (approvingly) telling Stiles what a horrible person he is.  (Hey, it could have been worse, Danny.  He could have asked you, if you thought he was attractive for the 85,000th time.)  Horrible person or not, Danny is suddenly VERRRRY EAGER to help Derek find a pair of too tight underwear to match that too tight shirt Stiles with his little phone project.  Seemingly, within seconds the call is traced . . . to Scott’s Mom’s computer at the hospital?

Apparently, Jackson’s not the only guy who’s been able to pull Mommy McCall away from her “work.”  SLUT! 

Seriously, this kid NEVER EVER CLOSES HIS MOUTH.  I LOVE IT! 

The Argents are CRAAAAZY . . . Nuff Said . . .

We are then treated to a rather nauseating (in my opinion, anyway) scene in which Scott once again sneaks into Allison’s room (Girlfriend, shouldn’t really consider investing in a lock for that window.  Don’t you think?) to steal the Ugly Ass Necklace.  Before he can find it, however, he finds an old receipt Allison kept from the pair’s first bowling date.  Cue the Slit-Your-Wrist Emo Music!

Almost TWENTY BUCKS?  Kind of a ripoff, don’t you think?

“Wahhh!  Allison has such neat handwriting.  Why can’t I have handwriting like that?”

Fortunately, we aren’t subjected to this goopy maudlin “young love is hard” crap for long, because, eventually Scott finds the Ugly Ass Necklace, right next to an old book on werewolves Allison has apparently been researching.  Or, perhaps, should I say, “Loup Garous?”


So, of course, the minute Scott sneaks out of Allison’s bedroom, he HAS to run into Papa Argent, right on her lawn, right?

“We REALLY have to stop meeting like this, PSYCHO STALKER!” 

Why does it seem like nobody EVER wants to hang out with the adult Argents unless they are cornering them, and practically dragging them kicking and screaming into their “Friendship Circle.”  Once in the house, Papa A once again starts plying Scott with alcohol (which would actually be cool, since wolf Scott is incapable of getting drunk, and could, therefore drink Papa A under the table).  He apologizes to Scott for being aggressive with him, and expresses sympathy over the Salison breakup.

Papa’s candor with the teen he BARELY knows is a cross between genuine concern, and disturbing creepiness.  Throughout the entire uncomfortable conversation, I just keep waiting for the guy to tie Scott up, rip off his clothing and lock him in the basement, next to all the guns . . .

Papa interrogates Scott about how well he knows supposed Big Bad Serial Killer Derek and blah, blah, blah.  We’ll back to them later.  For now, let’s go visit MORON Allison.  Our favorite A+ student has, apparently decided that, even though there are wild animals and serial killers on the loose, it’s a perfectly fabulous idea to go out running alone in the “picturesque” woods where the Blair Witch Project was probably filmed.

“Hi, my name is Allison Argent.  Do you like the sign on my back?  It says :”Please murder me, and bury my body under a nice tall tree.”

 As if that wasn’t bad enough, Little Miss Death wish then decides to go wandering around the suspected murderers burnt up house, so that she can explore all the suspicious -looking claw marks on the floor. (Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY how The Blair Witch Project ended.)  Auntie Kate the crazy cougar sex pot / obvious arsonist /  Hale fale murderer follows her niece there, supposedly to “keep her safe” or whatever.

 When Allison wonders out loud what would make a hot dude like Derek become a psychotic killer, Katiepoo gets quite a bit defensive, arguing that “You don’t have to be psychotic to be a murderer . . . you just have to have  a ‘reason’, but even then, sometimes, you can surprise yourself.”  (In other words, “Yes, I burned down this house, and killed all the Hales in it, because I was raised to hate werewolves, but also because I secretly get turned on by watching things DIE!”)

“My precious!” 

As Auntie Kate tells her tale of how some serial killers are really just nice people, who are misunderstood, she fondles the wall of Derek’s house, like she wants to hump it.   (Sidenote / Speculation: The writers seem to have made it SO obvious that Kate was the one responsible for the Hale fire, that I can’t help but wonder whether this is a MAJOR red herring, and that someone else, like Allison’s MOM for example, is actually the one who lit the final match.  Just wondering. . .  )

Then Allison gets all weepy for the 225,000th time this episode, and whines to Kate about how weak she feels because she doesn’t know how to battle a serial killer.  Katiepoo promises that if Allison is patient she will make her drink the Kool Aid and become a bat-sh*t crazy Werewolf Hunter, just like everyone else in her family give her everything she is seeking . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s “nice” that Allison has decided that she wants to learn how to defend herself.  However, there was something about the sneakly little smirk Auntie Kate gave the camera at the end of this scene that just didn’t sit well with me. It seems pretty obvious that Katiepoo has some very SELFISH reasons for wanting Allison to be trained in the art of werewolf hunting . . .

Speaking of whiny, whiners, who like to whine . . .

Scott is conveniently boo hooing to Papa Argent about how EVERYTHING he has done, since he met Allison, has been to keep her safe except for, you know, those times he tried to kill her . . .  and the time he made out with Lydia . . . and the time he left her for dead, while he did the horizontal  mambo with the Alpha, when Allison appears in the doorway, and (SURPRISE!) hears exactly the right part of the conversation.  Well, played, Scotty Boy!

Revelations of ALPHA importance!

I’m not exactly sure how he figured it out, but somehow Stiles’ Super Cool Daddio connected Professor Emo to the Hale fire.  When Papa confronts him with this information, Professor Emo explains how some Hot Chick (Kate) found him in the bar, and plied him with liquor and promises of sex, until he told her how to make the scientific concoctions necessary to burn down a home, and hide dead bodies.  Apparently, this conversation occurred just a few weeks before the Hale house burned down.  (The important question, of course, is: Did Kate and Professor Emo bump uglies?)

“Come on, Officer!  Cut me some slack.   Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get laid, when you look like the serial killer from a Lifetime movie?”

In hindsight, it’s kind of unfortunate that our main characters weren’t made privy to this conversation, as it actually fills in a lot of previously mined plot holes.  And because this recap is getting longer than I wanted it to be, I will just go ahead and list them here:

(1) We now know why, at the beginning of the episode, the Alpha blamed Professor Emo for what happened to him in the Hale family fire.

(2) We now know that Laura Hale came to Emo MAN prior to her death, because she somehow figured out that someone with Professor Emo’s last name (“Harris” not “Emo”) was the one who gave the arsonist the “tools” to set the fire.  And she figured that HE would be able to lead her to her family’s murderer.

(3) We know that the Arsonist (probably Kate, but maybe Allison’s mom) was an Argent, since she was wearing the infamous Ugly Ass Necklace that Allison now owns . . .

And now for the REAL juicy stuff . . . upon getting the news that the Alpha is probably hiding out at Beacon Hills Hospital, where Scott’s mom works, Stiles and his new boyfriend “Miguel” erp . . . I mean Derek drive over there to investigate.  Unfortunately, Stiles is currently missing what will, most likely, be his ONLY chance to play first lacrosse, which makes me sad, both for him and his dad.

But you know what’s NOT sad .  . . what’s in fact, HILARIOUSLY funny?  THIS . . .

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Yeah . . . apparently Derek wasn’t too cool on Stiles pimping him out to Danny, in exchange for some cell phone information.  Fortunately, Stiles seems to have a very bouncy skull, and will probably be just fine.  (He’ll have a killer headache, tomorrow though!)

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why Derek made Stiles go into the hospital BY HIMSELF, knowing that there was a pretty good possibility that the Alpha was in there . . .

Like a lamb heading to slaughter . . . 

In fact, all it takes is for Stiles to report to Derek via telephone that Derek’s “invalid” uncle is no longer in his room, despite his having supposedly not left his CHAIR for ten years, for Derek to figure out EXACTLY who the Alpha is . . . And in about three seconds we will know too . . .

You know, I gotta say, as far as having a “good cover” for being a serial killer, pretending to be a vegetable for ten years, is about as ambitious as they come!  Color me impressed!  But Uncle Alpha didn’t get where he is today, by being a lone wolf, he had at least one accomplice . . .

As of now, I’m not quite sure what the nurse has to do with all this.  Currently, my guess is she was either boning the Alpha, or she’s part of his pack.  Perhaps, both.  But to be honest, I’m more worried about Stiles right now . . . and he’s, rightfully, more worried about himself than he is about solving the Mystery of the Alpha for his Scooby Gang pals.

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But worry not, Stiles!  Because Derek Hale is here to rescue YOU!

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Now, that’s HOT! 

Unfortunately, for Derek,  he’s really no match for the Alpha, as we learned that time when said Alpha GUTTED LIKE A FISH!

Ahh!  Memories! 

So, eventually Derek is temporarily incapacitated, and we come to that annoying, but necessary, part of every story, where the villain monologues for his prospective victims, and tells them all his secrets . . .

The Alpha’s first secret?  He FAKED HIS UGLY FACE (either that or he has the coolest Plastic Surgery Mirror EVER)!

Here’s another interesting Alpha tidbit.  Remember when Derek visited his fake invalid uncle in the hospital, and asked him if anyone else got out of the fire alive that could potentially be the Alpha?  Remember how Fake Invalid Uncle raised his finger?  Well, apparently, he was POINTING AT HIMSELF!

That Alpha . . . what a FUNNY GUY!

But, for me, the most interesting tidbit was THIS . . . Uncle Alpha BECAME an Alpha by killing the original Alpha, also known as . . . wait for it . . . Laura Hale.

My Alpha . . . how you’ve changed! 

And it was the act of becoming an Alpha that healed his wounds (and also made him nuts).  Why this is pertinent, of course, is that it pretty much debunks Derek’s theory that Scott could cure his own werewolfism by killing the Alpha.  In fact, if Scott kills Uncle Fake Invalid, he will become an EVEN BIGGER ASSHAT WOLF than he is now.  But . . . and here’s the kicker . . . so will DEREK, if HE kills his uncle . . .  which he may very well do in the upcoming episode . . .

My sentiments exactly  . . .

On a lighter note, Derek was also wrong about something else . . . he and Scott ARE definitely part of the same pack.  (All together now . . . AWWW!)

Speaking of pack members, we actually learned some important things on the boring lacrosse field too . . .  Wanna hear them?

Well too bad, because here they come . . .

(1) Contrary to popular belief, there IS, in fact, a “ME” in “Team” . . .

 (2) The Argents are werewolf hunters, because their last name means “silver.”  (Well, actually, we sort of knew that already, but . . . whatever JACKSON!

(3) Auntie Kate is a closet pedophile who wants to lick teenage boys.  She thinks Jackson is hot, and really wants to hit that.  She also thinks he might be the second beta wolf because . . . wait for it . . . a DEEP WEREWOLF SCRATCH is enough to turn a human into a werewolf.

“BUT WAIT . . .” You say.  I thought only an ALPHA could turn a human into a werewolf.  Derek is just a beta.  TRUE.  BUT . . . what if . . . a human was scratched by a Beta . . .

 . . .and that same scratch was TRACED by an Alpha . . .

Uh Oh, Jackson!  Be careful what you wish for . . . because you just might get it.

See you next week, Werebangers!

P.S. Special thanks go out, once again, to my FABULOUS, UBER TALENTED, EXPERT SCREENCAPPER, Andre, for all the beautiful caps you see here (particularly the shirtless ones, because those deserve EXTRA thanks). 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

No More Mister Nice Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Panic Attack”

This is not your mother’s Teen Wolf . . .

It doesn’t play nice.  It isn’t a fan of Happy Endings.  And it won’t offer it’s girlfriend a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the first date, just because she isn’t “that kind of girl” . . .

Nope.  This is the kind of Teen Wolf  that shoots teddy bears in the heart with semi-automatic weapons  . . . who will steal the girl of your dreams, right out from under your nose.  This is the Teen Wolf who fights dirty . . . who’s mom will cut you in half, over a plate of cookies . . . who will throw you into the fire, because you tried to steal his bottle Jack Daniels . . .

Oh, Scott!  I remember when our biggest complaint about you was that you were kind of whiny, and your love scenes with Allison were boring / made  us a little nauseous.  Those were the Good Old Days . . .

Though “Panic Attack” wasn’t necessarily this show’s scariest episode (That award would probably go to the episode where all that crap came out of Jackson’s mouth, and poor Derek was gutted like a fish), and certainly wasn’t its goriest (HELLO!  The episode(s) where they showed Derek’s HALF-sister! EWWW!), I’d like to go on the record, and say it was definitely the show’s darkest installment.

So, hide your teddy bears, kiddies — because our hero is about to get the Worst Case of Wolf PMS . . .  EVER!

(Special thanks go out again to my Super Talented Werewolf Expert, and Screencap-Creating Pal, Andre, for most of the still images you see here.)

Dr. Jack Will Make You DIE, TONIGHT!

Interestingly enough, this entire opening scene could have doubled as One Long Ass Jack Daniels commercial . . . well, except for the DOUBLE HOMICIDE PART . . .

Last night, on True Blood, fans of the show were treated to the fabulousness that is Drunk Eric Northman.  This week on Teen Wolf, MTV continued the “Inebriation is AWESOME” trend, by rewarding us with an adorably Drunk Stiles.

I love that Stiles has chosen to don a “Drinking T-Shirt” for this momentous occasion.  Extra points for you, if you can tell me what his shirt says . . .

Here’s a closer look . . . I’ve seriously been driving myself nuts trying to figure this out.

Two nights have passed since our Scooby Gang had their little run-in with the Alpha.  This means it has also been two nights, since Allison kicked Scott to the curb for . . . ummm . . . lying and stuff.  If we’ve learned anything about Scott, in these past few episodes, we’ve learned that he‘s insanely self absorbed has a tendency to get a bit mopey, when things don’t go his way.  So, you just KNOW that Poor Stiles has had to listen to the Ballad of Scott’s Life Sucks Because Allison is Gone, pretty much on repeat, for the past 48 hours . . .

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“Nevermind the fact that you recently told me that you sometimes have the urge to MURDER ME.  Please, let’s talk more about YOU and your lame girlfriend problem . . .”

So, Stiles, being the completely undeserved awesome pal that he is, decides to do for Scott what all best buds do for pals, who just got kicked to the curb by their so-called soulmates.  He takes him out to some shady parking lot, to get him sh*t-faced, of course!

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But, alas, Scott’s newfound wolfishness has had the unintended side effect of making him the OPPOSITE of a cheap date.   And so it happens that Scott ends up stone cold sober, and still riding the WAHHHHHHH-mbulance of Dumpee-dom, while Stiles entertains us all with the joys of listening to him slur about how much he LOOOOOOOOOOVES a certain five-foot-three red-head named Lydia . . .

Ahhhhh, memories!

(See Scott?  It’s too bad you couldn’t have gotten yourself turned into a vampire, instead.  Vampires never have ANY trouble getting wasted, when a woman mistreats them . . .)

Case in point . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ little gab fest is unceremoniously interrupted, when two random dudes try to steal their booze. 

Oh, honey!  Didn’t you get the memo?  NO ONE over the age of 15 should wear their hats like that . . .

BAD MOVE!  Now Scott is ANGRY!  And you won’t like him when he’s ANGRY . . .

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“Give me the bottle of Jack,” growls Scott, in a voice that’s WAY sexier than his usual whining voice!

He also gets those trademark yellow eyes, I love so much.  The two random dudes are obviously turned on by him too, because they promptly hand back the liquor, and start scampering away like little b*tches.  Then Scott does something shocking:  HE BREAKS A STILL-HALF-FULL BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, ON PURPOSE!

Talk about a senseless waste of booze!  I mean, come on, Scott!  Don’t you realize that there are starving children in East Poorsitania (Yes, I made that up.  I didn’t want to risk offending anyone.) who don’t have ANY Jack Daniels to drink, when their girlfriends dump them.  Seriously . . . ungrateful much?

But that’s not all!  Soon after Scott and Stiles leave, the Alpha hunts down the Two Random Dudes and THROWS BOTH THEIR BODIES INTO A VAT OF FIRE . . . and all over a bottle of Jack. 

Clearly, THIS Guy is a graduate of the Stiles’ School of Acting Like a Bat . . .

Could you imagine if it was something more expensive (like,  for example, Johnnie Walker Blue).  What would the Alpha have done then?  Tied them up, and made them watch The Notebook eight times?

Parents Just Don’t Understand . . .

Pssst, Scott!  Wanna get out of taking that test?  Try the Running Your Thermometer Under Hot Water Trick.  So, what if she’s a nurse . . . Your Mom will never know the difference.

Parents on teen shows are usually so effed up and dysfunctional, that it’s refreshing to see Scott’s Mom and Stiles’ Dad both (so far) seem so kind, well-adjusted, and, let’s face it, normal.

Mommy tries to make Scott feel better about losing Allison, by recounting for him all the times that she’s met the business end of the dumping stick.  But, as you know, DENIAL is often the first stage of the grieving process.  And Scott is experiencing it BIG TIME, when he claims that he and Allison are just “on a break.”  And that he’s going to “get her back.”

We then get our first obligatory Shirtless Scott Shot of the episode, when he strips and heads toward the shower, offering us a near-identical image to the one we got of him doing this exact same thing in the Pilot episode . . .

At least we know he has good hygiene!

Another important thing to note about this scene (aside from the size of Scott’s pects), is the fact that the radio announcer on Scott’s alarm noted that local police are still on the lookout for Serial Killer Derek Hale. 

So much for telling a Harmless Little White Lie, because you didn’t know how else to explain that your friends were being STALKED BY A WEREWOLF, Scott!  *cough douchebag cough*

Terrified that his “sweet innocent” daughter will end up getting Little Red Riding Hooded, on the way to school, Papa Argent insists on driving Allison to Beacon Hills High, while Auntie Kate the Werewolf Slayer tries to keep the peace, while riding shotgun.  (On the message boards, many of you noted a weird sexual tension between Auntie Kate and Papa Argent.  Really?  What show do you think this is, Game of Thrones?) 

With Allison safely out of earshot, Papa A gives Auntie K the perfect opportunity to say “I told you so,” when he apologizes to her for underestimating the POWER OF THE ALPHA . . .

(Is it just me or does Papa A REALLY look like a pirate in this screencap?  “Arrrgh!  Walk the plank, Katey!  I want me GOLD!”)

Fortunately for Mr. Argent, Kate the Werewolf Slayer is WAY TOO hungry for “I told you so’s.”  She’d rather make a food run, instead.

OK . . . I take back what I said, these two are definitely doing the DEED .  . .

Hmmm . . . if Kate REALLY wants to make a McDonald’s run, it looks like she’s going to have to get out and PUSH THE CAR THERE . . .

In the SECOND sweetest, parent-child scene to come out of this episode (The first is yet to come), a very concerned Stiles warns his Dad to be careful when searching for the Alpha Derek.  Now, maybe it’s because he got hurt by the “mountain lion” a few episodes back.   But I have to say, all this emphasis on Stiles’ dad’s safety over the past few episodes has me REALLY WORRIED about his mortality on the show .  . .

Please don’t make Stiles an orphan, Papa S!  Or we will never get to see the inevitable storyline where you hook up with Scott’s Mom, and make funny, sarcastic babies, with really nice abs . . .

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3 .  . .

Lydia made a snide comment about Allison’s outfit in this scene, but has anyone checked out what Lydia is wearing?  Ummm ewwww!

At school, Needy Allison needs reassurance from Lydia that she did the “right thing” by dumping Scott.  Lydia plays her part, and agrees, “He locked us in a classroom, and left us for dead!”  She exclaims emphatically.  (Well, actually, he locked you in a classroom and then TRIED TO KILL YOU.  But, hey, there’s no need to be nitpicky about such small details.)  Interestingly enough, Lydia’s assessment of what happened on “School Night” will come into play later on in the episode.  So, try to keep it in mind . . .

In class, a rather Obsessed-Looking Scott tries to talk to Allison, but the Creepy Emo-Looking  Teacher Who Everybody Thinks is the Alpha (more on that later) makes him sit down, before he can do that.

What happens next is arguably the most telling aspect of the episode, in terms of how Scott’s connection with the Alpha works.  First, Scott begins to experience sensitivity to light and sound, something many of us (myself included) initially thought would happen to him ALL TIME, as a result of him being a werewolf.  However, in actuality, it only seems to occur during SPECIFIC times.

Then come the NEW TEST QUESTIONS . . .

Now, the simplest explanation for these hallucinations would be that the proximity to the Full Moon, coupled with recent events, have caused Scott’s psyche to play little tricks on him.  And yet, the hallucinations themselves seem SO SPECIFICALLY designed to upset Scott, and trigger his werewolf response, that we, as viewers, can’t help but wonder whether the Alpha is creating them.  This raises the interesting question, particularly in light of later events, of how close the psychic connection is between the Alpha and Scott? 

How much control does the Alpha have over the things Scott sees and the way he behaves?  (Later on in the episode, we will see another example of Scott’s hallucinations that may or may not be Alpha-induced.)  Of course, if we assume that it is the Alpha who is causing Scott to hallucinate in this way, than the most obvious culprit is the Emo-Looking Teacher . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little Stiles too!”

After all, he has the most access to Scott and the test, at this particular moment in time.  (Did I mention he’s really creepy?)  Then again, it could just as easily be any student in that classroom.  However, if the psychic connection between an Alpha an has pack has no limit in terms of distance, it could really be ANYBODY in Beacon Hills . .  .

You can run, but you can’t hide, Dog Boy!

When Scott rushes out of the class in Full-On Freak Out Mode, Emo-Looking Teacher doesn’t seem to surprised or upset.  He does, however, seem a bit perturbed when Stiles rushes out after him . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 263 (We Make Bathtime LOTS OF FUN!)

“Umm . . . Stiles .  . . I think I dropped the soap. (hint, hint)”

I love that Stiles knew IMMEDIATELY that Scott would head to the showers, at the first sign of a panic attack.   (I’m telling you, this Dude just LOVES getting naked and clean!)  “I can’t breathe, KISS ME, YOU FOOL!”  Scott exclaims, as he strikes yet another ridiculously sexually suggestive pose for his friend (and for the female viewers) . . .

Introducing Mr. July . . .

“Well, I’m still not sure whether Danny finds me attractive, but I’m starting to think that YOU do!”

Luckily for Scott, Stiles just happens to have Scott’s old inhaler handy . . . you know . . . the one he hasn’t used since the Pilot episode?  (Ummm . . . I love you, Stiles.  But that’s a little strange . . . even for you.)

After Scott is done blowing, Stiles explains to him that he didn’t actually NEED the inhaler.  Rather, Scott was having a panic attack, and THINKING that he needed the inhaler helped him snap himself out of it . . .

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(Two weeks ago, Stiles taught Scott what “sarcasm” was.  This week, he taught him “irony.”  Next week, I predict he will finally teach Scott how to read . . .)

In all seriousness though, Stiles is like, seriously, the Best Friend on the Planet who Scott doesn’t even begin to deserve.  And for this reason, when he started talking about how he suffered from panic attacks, after his Mom passed away, I must admit I got a little teary . .

OK . . . make that A LOT teary .  . .

Once Scott has calmed down some, Stiles explains to him that he’s not the first guy in the world to get dumped by a girl.   “It’s called heartbreak.  There are like TWO BILLION SONGS written about it,” he offers, quite rationally.

Scott responds, in a bit of a non-sequitur, that Stiles should lock him up the night of the Full Moon, because . . .

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Meanwhile, over at the Walmart of Guns . . .

Newsflash:  Allison’s Mom is Just as Batsh*t Crazy as the Rest of Her Family . . .

Andre helpfully pointed out to me that the hunter dude on the left is also one of the detectives, who was apparently at the school investigating the “Serial Killer Situation.”  How very convenient!

The Argent Hunters are having a little Pre-Full Moon pow wow.  Papa Argent notes that all the wolves, including the Alpha, are at their most vulnerable / nutty, during the Full Moon.  Therefore, this will be the best time to catch them.  Meanwhile Auntie Kate, who never met a weapon or a man she didn’t want to fondle, notes that, while the Alpha might be out during this precarious time, Sexy Derek wouldn’t be stupid enough to make such a rookie wolf mistake . . .

Was anyone else hoping her gun would accidentally go off, during this scene?  Because THAT would be hilarious.

Then Mama Argent, who, if you recall said BARELY A WORD, during her premiere episode, back when Scott came to the Argent’s house for dinner for the first time, creepily pops in, and randomly instructs her family to chop Derek in half, before offering the crew some homemade cookies laced with cyanide.

Break my Derek, and I’ll break your face, B*TCH!  (By the way, doesn’t this woman kind of look like a slightly older version of the main alien chick from that recently-canceled show, V?  Just sayin’)

Wanna Bite Me?

Back at school, Allison and Jackson are busy eating food off eachother’s faces, when Jackson echoes Lydia’s entirely self-serving comment that, YES, Allison did the TOTALLY RIGHT THING dumping Scott.  Jackson then shows Allison what a mature and evolved dude he is, by sucking his thumb . . .

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Allison unintentionally kills the mood a bit, by asking Jackson if she wants a bite of his food.  Of course, she intends the comment to be flirtatious HUSSY!.  However, Jackson, who is undoubtedly always subconsciously thinking about the NEVER EVER HEALING Derek Love Tap on the back of his neck, mishears her, and think she is asking him about his “bite.” 

Upon hearing the inquiry, the color drains from Jackson’s face, and he subconsciously starts rubbing his neck.  Actually, considering that what’s on Jackson’s neck is pretty obviously a SCRATCH, and not a bite, his reaction here is a bit strange.  (Then again, there is some evidence later on in the episode to suggests that Jackson might have initially had NO CLUE what Derek did to him.  So, maybe he thought it was a “bite” after all.)

Upon hearing Jackson and Allison flirting with his conveniently appearing and disappearing Super Wolf Senses, Scott, who is sitting in the locker area at the time, reacts by doing this . . .

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Well, SOMEONE is going to have a massive headache, tomorrow morning . . .

First Line and First SLIME!

Stiles gets the surprise is his life, when do the outbreak of some random illness amongst the lacrosse team, he gets selected (though they misspell his name, causing him to proudly refer to himself as “Biles”) to play First Line in the upcoming game . . .

You ever notice how Stiles is always puffing his cheeks out like this?  He must be REALLY good at blowing. 😉

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Oh, Come ON, Scott!  At least pretend to be excited for your friend, Ya DOUCHE!

Scott gets some good news too.  The Coach has suddenly decided to make him a Co-Captain, along with Jackson.  This announcement results in Jackson wetting his diaper, and crying for his Mommy . . .

Though Jackson and his cronies begin plotting to bring Scottie boy down, so that he will lose his new Position of Power, Nice Guy Danny sticks up Scott, reminding Jackson that he is a “good player.”

Hey Danny!  I don’t know you that well, but I already like you.  By the way, do you think Stiles is attractive?  Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Back on the bench, Mr. I Only Think About Myself Scott grumbles that he “smells jealousy.”  This prompts Stiles to wonder whether he can smell “other things” as well (Like farts?), like SEXUAL DESIRE!  (Actually, Stiles, I think MOST humans can smell that . . .)  Stiles then asks Scott to ask Lydia if she “likes him,” because, apparently, they are in fourth grade . . .  Nevertheless, Scott agrees to do this for his pal.  And Stiles is obviously appreciative of the gesture . . .