It’s a fact of life faced by every television show that centers around a high-school aged cast of characters.
I mean, sure, you can make time stand still for a little while . . . waving that magic TV Land Wand that converts three years into one REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG YEAR. You could never show a summer vacation . . . put that “Prom Episode” off indefinitely . . . cover up your perpetually 17-year old male character’s increasingly receding hairline, by giving him a sudden fondness for hats. But, just like death and taxes, it’s inevitable . . . EVERYBODY GRADUATES . . .
So, what’s a show to do?
Well, as a television producer, you have three options really. Option 1: You bow out gracefully . . . end on a high note, with your cast of characters triumphantly tossing their graduation caps into the air . . . play a mildly wistful Top 40 tune about memories, as you quickly run through a montage of some of your show’s best moments . . . then fade to black as your television show shuffles off to that increasingly populated High School TV Graveyard in the sky . . .
Option 2: You attempt to tackle the Dreaded College Years . . . the ones that . . . let’s be honest . . . for most of us, were about TEN TIMES BETTER than high school, in real life, but, for whatever reason, never seem to translate all that well on the small screen. You try to explain away haphazardly, the reasons why your school valedictorian is attending the same four-year university as the Kid Who Almost Flunked his Junior Year, because he still quite hasn’t managed to master the art of “reading,” and the One Who Spent a Good Portion of his Senior Year in jail . . .
Well, OF COURSE, he’d go to the same college as certified genius, Veronica Mars!
You introduce a few new characters . . . but not too many . . . because everyone knows that nobody ever really likes the “New Characters” in shows about “The College Years,” anyway. And besides, in TV Land, everyone is always meant to live happily ever after with their High School Sweetheart . . . right?
Option 3: You go the “Next Generation” route. You give a couple of your most popular characters, long lost little sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, and nephews they never knew they had. You bring in an almost entirely new troop of actors . . . ones who could actually still pass for 16, even if you aren’t filming them from across a really, really long hallway. You basically create an entirely new series . . . except it’s not actually a new series, because each of the supposedly New Characters seems almost eerily similar to one of the Old Characters, who just graduated.
Unless, you’re Glee . . . in which case, you will proudly choose Option 4 . . . All of the Above . . .
That’s right, Gleeks. In a move that will either end up being touted as ingenious, or derailed as ridiculous, the Glee writers have (1) ended their third season, in a way that could have easily been construed as a series finale; (2) created a College Years Show-with-in-a-Show for it’s lead ingenue, and a few of her most popular pals; and (3) returned to McKinley High to tackle the “Next Generation” of New Directions . . . complete with a Long Lost Brother from Another Mother . . .
I’ll be honest, when I first read that this was Ryan Murphy’s vision for Glee‘s future, I thought the idea was, at best, overly ambitious, and, at worst, just plain awful. So, color me surprised, when I watched the season premiere and found myself enjoying it more than I’ve enjoyed an episode of Glee in quite some time.
By now, if you’re like me, you’ve probably already read about 25 recaps of “The New Rachel.” So, I’m not going to bore you with another one. Let’s just “The Good, The Bad, the U-GLEE” it, shall we?
The Good . . .
Cassandra, Jake, Marley, Brody . . .’s abs . . .
OMG! I like most of the new characters on Glee . . . like really them . . . I may even like them better than some of the old characters on Glee . . . though, I’m not going to mention any names . . .
In a world where teachers tend to be cartoonish . . .
. . . ineffectual . . .
. . . or downright irksome . . .
I like that Cassandra July is a brand of teacher we haven’t seen on this show before . . . BITTER, EDGY, and KIND OF HOT, in a bitter . . . edgy, Lindsay Lohan Trainwreck, kind of way . . .
Here’s the thing . . . I’ve never really been a huge fan of Kate Hudson’s. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think she’s a fine actress, and that she has really enviable bone structure. I just always had trouble buying her as the Lead in a Romantic Comedy, Who Everyone is Supposed to Hope and Pray Gets the Guy in the End. I don’t why . . . I think it has something to do with the fact that underneath those
“charming smiles,” and “witty one-liners,” she always seems SO MEAN . . .
In my eyes, this is the role Kate Hudson was always meant to play. And I just, hands down, loved her in it . . .Plus, I mean, who hasn’t wanted to pull the prissy, self-entitled, Rachel Berry down a peg or two, at least once or twice, throughout the course of this series?
I mean, sure, she doesn’t quite have Rachel Berry’s pipes, and that ridiculous cap she was wearing throughout the episode was like something straight out of a Dickens’ novel. And yet, in a world, where every single character is LOUD, BIG, and OVER THE TOP, Marley has something truly special that you just don’t see anymore on this show . . . understated charm . . .
Puck’s Long Lost Brother? The “Chip on His Shoulder?” He “throws tantrums” . . . turns down help from the Teacher Man? I mean, why not just paint a sign on his back that says, “I will be filling the role of Bad Boy with the Heart of Gold, thank you very much.”
But, I don’t know . . . there’s something about this guy that I really like . . . something that screams potential . . .
Plus, I started shipping him with Marley, the minute they exchanged that WAYYY too obvious Slow-Motion-Longing-Look in the hallway, during the show’s second half hour . . .
In addition to THESE new characters, I’m also enjoying Rachel’s and Kurt’s new journey. For a show that’s often touted as being painfully unrealistic, I thought Rachel Berry’s homesickness, loneliness, and new-found fear of failure, coupled with the need to pretend with her old friends and family that everything was “cool,” touchingly real.
I mean, who didn’t feel precisely like this, their first few weeks away at college?
And while Kurt’s “Glory Days,” storyline, definitely had a bit of a “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt” kind of quality, who out there didn’t get teary, when Burt Hummel told his son that he could always come back home from New York, but that he knew he wouldn’t?
I found the “Chasing Pavements” cover kind of forgettable. And though I loved Darren Criss’ interpretation of Imagine Dragon’s “It’s Time,” the musical number itself was something we’ve seen about a million times before, on Glee . . .
Conversely, while I adored “Unique’s” performance of “Boogie Shoes,” last season, I’m still not quite sold on the character of Wade / Unique, who kind of reminds me of Every Bad Drag Queen Impersonation I’ve Seen in Every Movie Ever . . .
I think I liked her better, when her name was Regina George, or, better yet . . . Santana Lopez . . .
And though I do love me some Brody abdominal action, the character himself seemed a bit milque-toasty, and too-good-to-be-true for me, which kind of makes me hope Ryan Murphy surprises me, by giving the character a sleazy underbelly . . . but I’m suspecting he won’t . . .
They used to at least look like slushees, back in Season 1 . . .
And while we are on the subject of icky, if I have to spend an entire season listening to Sue Sylvester make Baby Poop, and Menopausal Mommy jokes, I think I’m going to hurl. I don’t care how cute that baby is . . . CRAP IS CRAP!
All-in-all . . . though? I think New Glee got itself off to a great start. Intriguing characters . . . interesting storylines . . . newly shippable couples . . . and have I mentioned Brody’s abs?
Blaine is THRILLED that Season 3 of Glee has begun. Mr. Schue is just excited that he and Blaine own the same sweater vest . . .
Welcome back, Gleeks! Well, the summer is over. And that means school is back in session.
But hey! School’s not ALL bad! After all, it’s senior year for most of our McKinley High students. And senior year is AWESOME!
I mean, think about it . . . that’s when you decide where you’re going to college . . . and what you want to be when you grow up . . . and if you should bang your boyfriend on prom night, and whether you should dye your hair pink, and get an ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest on your ASS . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Between Ripper Stefan on TVD last week, and Bad Quinn on Glee this week, this is quickly shaping up to be Evil Alter Ego Month on prime time television. What’s next, a Homicidal Blair on Gossip Girl?
But Quinn isn’t the only Glee kid making MAJOR changes this year. In fact, the entire hour was chock full of breakups, makeouts, oustings, school transfers, political manuevers, fire-starters, glitter bombings, food fights, and, of course, a whole LOTTA show tunes, courtesy of our favorite McKinley High School students . . .
So, tighten up your bow tie, tune up your purple piano, and get ready to dance on the lunch tables, because it’s time for another Glee-cap . . .
He’s BAAAAAAAACK!
If Carrot Top and Woody Allen ever procreated, this is probably what their kid would look like . . .
In what has become a highly efficient, if slightly lazy, plot device, this season begins, just as last season did, with Jacob Ben Israel “video blogging” about how the entire cast spent its hiatus. For example, Mercedes dumped Sam because the actor who played him left the show and started dating THIS GUY . . .
“Knock . . . knock. Hey Sam, are you in there? It’s me, Mercedes!”
By the way, does anyone else find it funny that all these so-called “outcast” Glee kids, all seem to either be on the football team, or cheerleading squad, or dating someone who’s a cheerleader or football player? Just wondering . . .
But wait . . . I have even better news. LAUREN AND PUCK, FINALLY BROKE UP!
Apparently, it had something to do with Lauren wanting to be more “popular,” and thinking that Puck and the Glee club were somehow, bringing her down . . .
In other news, Puck’s balls have returned to the show, as returning cast members . . . And we all know what THAT means . . .
Now, if we could just get someone to help them change back to their original color. Any volunteers?
We also learned that Tina and Artie are the only juniors left in Glee club, which actually doesn’t really tell us anything about how they spent the summer, or what they are doing with their lives. However, apparently, it was something the writers wanted us to know . . . you know . . . to prepare us for next year . . . WHEN THE ENTIRE CAST IS GONE!
Dear Glee Writers,
YOU’RE MEAN!
Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel Berry
Santana aspires to be the next pre-psychotic breakdown Paula Abdul, until Jacob informs her that Paula isn’t technically a “Latina,” like Santana once thought . . .
In other news, the cat from that old “Opposites Attract” video? TOTALLY Latino!
As for besties, Mercedes Rachel and Kurt, the uber dramatic pair aspire to become the next Will and Grace (1) move to Manhattan together, (2) attend a performing arts college in the city, (3) achieve moderate success as broadway stars, and (4) get married by 30, but, obviously, not to one another. (I smell a Glee reunion special!)
“Shhh . . . this segment of the show is really a campaign for Kurt and I to get our own spinoff show. Don’t tell anyone.”
Speaking of Rachel, her milquetoasty boyfriend Finn has NO plans for the future, beyond not getting slusheed on his first day back from school . . .
Way to shoot for the stars, Finn!
Ohhh . . . nevermind!
Watch Out, Ladies! This is what becoming impregnated by Puck can do to YOU . . .
Meanwhile, somewhere underneath the bleachers, where, coincidentally, is where the cast of Freaks and Geeks used to hang out, a newly pink haired, nose-ringed, Seacrest tatttooed, Quinn Febray is hanging out with a clique of girls known as The Skanks.
But Quinn’s appearance isn’t the only thing about her that’s changed this past summer. She’s also started dating middle-aged skateboarders, has quit BOTH the Cheerios and Glee club, and suddenly, talks like she’s swallowed a phone sex operator . . . weird.
“You sound hot, Evil Quinn, what are you wearing?”
I have to say, of all the storylines introduced in this episode of Glee, Bad Quinn’s is the one about which I’m most intrigued. After all, when you think about it, Quinn’s rebellion against the status quo has been a LONG TIME coming. I mean, here was a girl who feared that high school would be her Glory Days . . . that she would graduate McKinley High a popular pretty cheerleading prom queen, only to find herself trapped for the rest of her existence in the dull, and unfulfilling, lifestyle of a barefoot and pregnant Lima, Ohio housewife.
And then she got pregnant, and had to give the baby up for adoption . . .
. . . and then her boyfriend dumped her for the dork next door . . . and then she lost the title of Prom Queen to a BOY.
Here was a girl who’s only hope was that, even if she wasn’t meant to get out of her hometown, at least let her high school experience be perfect. And then, she couldn’t even achieve THAT! Given all that she’s lost in the past couple of years, is it any wonder that Quinn is rebelling now?
Staunchly on Team Return Quinn to Glee club and the Cheerios, are her fellow Unholy Trinity members, Brittany and Santana . . .
This sapphic duo attempt to convince Quinn to return to the Bright and Perky Side, by reminding her of the Good Old Days, back when the three of them were all simultaneously f*&king Puck . . .
Talk about Glory Days . . .
However, since Quinn TOTALLY still has the option of continuing to f*&k Puck, even without returning to those pesky extracurricular activities of yesteryear (He is single again, after all!), this strategy proves ineffective. Next up is Rachel, who offers Quinn a more heartfelt plea to return to the World of Glee . . .
“You’ll probably get more screentime, if you come back!”
Rachel seems immediately to recognize Quinn’s rebellion for what it truly is, a sign of SERIOUS depression. (I mean, if getting a picture of RYAN SEACREST tattooed on your ass isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is!)
Hey, I resemble that remark!
For someone who’s typically so completely self-absorbed, Rachel Berry sure can be awfully intuitive, sometimes. We see this here, when Rachel tells Quinn she is sorry that the latter is so sad. And despite the fact that the pair have been rivals for most of the series, Rachel’s admission that she misses seeing Quinn at practice, and hopes that this will be the year the two of them can “do it right,” genuinely seems heartfelt. In fact, Quinn even seems to consider Rachel’s offer for a few extra moments, before returning to her Army of Skanks . . . and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Wannabe Wardrobe . . .
Speaking of filling those increasingly empty show choir room chairs . . .
We Got Beaten Up The Beat!
Hey Artie . . . I don’t want to be the one to have to tell you this, but you have spaghetti ALL OVER YOUR HEAD!
Sometimes, I think Will Schuester is the most passive aggressively abusive teacher on the planet.
If the purple piano fits . . .
I mean, sure, the idea to have Glee club members break into song whenever they saw a purple piano (kind of like Pavlov’s Singing Dogs), was a clever one, in terms of advertising the club and drumming up possible new recruits. But, REALLY, if you KNOW the entire school hates the Glee club, and tends to THROW FOOD at them, even in the most benign of circumstances, what on Earth would make you think it was a GOOD idea to have the entire club perform in the SCHOOL LUNCH ROOM?
I don’t know. Perhaps, the fact that Will has spent the ENTIRE SUMMER sleeping next to Emma, and she STILL hasn’t given him sex, has caused him to want to provide EVERYONE ELSE just as much pain as his blue balls experience, EVERY SINGLE DAY . . .
But still . . . that DOESN’T MAKE IT RIGHT!
Then again, part of the fault HAS to lie with Rachel, who (1) convinced the group to perform in the first place; and (2) selected “We Got the Beat” by the GoGo’s as their musical number — a song high school kids might have genuinely enjoyed . . . back in 1982.
And though the choice of song was decidedly MEH, and the student body seemed to be a combination of confused and annoyed, by the fact that the Glee kids were interrupting their meal time to sing it, you have to hand it to New Directions for their Mad Dancing Skillz . . .
*fans self*
. . . infectiously bubbly energy, and their uncanny ability to magically produce a backup band, whenever the need arises.
“Woah! How did we get here? Do we even go to this school?”
Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself . . .
Of course, WAY MORE ENJOYABLE than the actual music number, was the food fight that erupted afterward . . .
Particularly, THIS part . . . (Man, did I get an insane amount of joy out of watching THIS . . .)
I mentioned that the Glee club was hoping that their lunchtime performance would drum up some new potential members. And it did. The problem of course, was that the ONE prospective Gleek it did entice sounded like THIS . . .
“W . . . T . . . F?”
Now, a bad new recruit like Sugar would have been a FINE addition to Glee club, back when they were just starting out . . . And back when they weren’t under a TREMENDOUS amount of pressure to return to and win Nationals, following what Kurt lovingly refers to as “The Kiss that Missed.”
But now Schue is torn between being a GOOD teacher, and a GOOD competitor. Since he was never much of the former, he ultimately chooses the latter, thanks to a rousing speech from Coach Beiste about Crushing Kid’s Dreams in Order to Win . . . and Stuff . . .
“For what it’s worth, I’d still very much like to have sex with you.”
Sugar, who thinks she worked the song “like a Stripper Pole,” not surprisingly, is shocked and crushed by the clubs rejection of her. Something tells me she won’t be staying away for long . . .
Since we are on the subject of people who WON’T GO AWAY can’t stay away from the Glee club . . .
Congressman Sylvester, I presume?
Notice how Sue’s tracksuit matches the purple piano. Coincidence, I think not!
*sigh* So, last season, when all this “Sue as Congressman” stuff first came up, I was THRILLED with the idea, because I THOUGHT it would mean that the writers had FINALLY given the prickly cheerleading coach something else to do other than harrass the Glee club. And it worked . . . for about two minutes of the season.
Doh!
Then Sue finds herself trailing in the Congressional opinion polls behind, “Undecided,” “that rapist running from prison,” “please don’t call me during dinner,” and “anyone white.” Then comes that annoying and frustrating fateful day, when that equally curmudgeony geometry teacher actually APPLAUDS her for taking apart one of the Glee kids pianos, because she HATES artsy fartsies. Suddenly, Sue’s new political platform is born. And (SURPRISE!) it involves cutting ALL funding to arts and music programs until all the students in Ohio schools read at or above reading level.
And that’s when WILL gets his UBER CREEPY Glitter Bomb Idea, a.k.a. the idea to pour glitter on Sue’s head, while extolling the virtues of Arts in Schools, and putting the result on YouTube.
Perhaps the magical glitter can make this terrible storyline disappear.
Oddly enough, Will’s flaming vigilantism, has the unintented consequence of making Sue a MORE popular candidate, due to her perceived image as a VICTIM of the Evil White Man and his Glitter. And wow, I can’t believe I actually just typed that sentence. Make it stop. Please make it stop . . .
In other news . . .
“We Totally Just Did the Gay High Five.”
Wow, I didn’t know they were planning to make Strawberry Shortcake into a live action movie . . . How come nobody tells me these things?
After unsuccessfully trying to give them dating dating advice, (you know because she’s TOTALLY an expert on the subject) . . .
Emma actually helps aspiring stars Kurt and Rachel out by (1) crushing their dreams, by informing them that their dream school Juliard, actually lacks a musical theater program; and (2) reawakening their dreams by informing them about ANOTHER school in New York City that DOES have such a program, AND, (SURPRISE!) just so happens to be holding a mixer for prospective students in Lima that week . . .
And so, our intrepid future theater majors prepare for this live-changing event, by actually researching the school singing a duet to Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. You know, because Kurt and Rachel haven’t done NEARLY enough Wizard of Oz themed numbers together, during the past two seasons . . .
Ding, Dong, this theme is dead . . .
All sarcasm aside, the performance was actually kind of cute, in a goofy, should-be-sung-by-actual-munchkins, kind of way . . .
Cut to the night of the mixer, when Rachel and Kurt find themselves surrounded by, not surprisingly, a bevy of copycat Rachels and Kurts, led by Glee project winner, Lindsay Pearce, each laden down with a bevy of acting credits (I think one of them actually claimed to be the Gerber baby), overly ambitious Singing Faces, and an over abundance of Spirit Fingers. This group horrifies Rachel and Kurt by performing, of all things, a mashup of “Anything Goes / Anything You Can Do” that, while definitely not better than MOST of the numbers we’ve seen Rachel and Kurt perform, is DEFINITELY better than “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.”
Obnoxious, aren’t they?
Cut to Rachel and Kurt boo-hooing intensely in the car about the reality check they’ve just experienced. Maybe they AREN’T good enough to make it as theater geeks in the REAL WORLD? Maybe they won’t actually get into this school? Maybe Dorothy really DIED at the end of Wizard of Oz, and the makers of the movie just didn’t want to tell us the truth.
“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your Little Rachel too . . .”
But, no! Kurt and Rachel will not be so easily discouraged. In the car, the pair comfort one another, vowing to help eachother get out of Lima and into showbiz, no matter what it takes. And their exchange is both incredibly schmaltzy, and uplifting at the same time. It even ends with a Gay High Five . . .
And that’s how Kurt decided to run for student council president (to beef up his extra curriculars . . . Because, you know, Kurt is so popular outside the Glee club) . . .
Yay Kurt! (He’s so screwed.)
. . . and Rachel decided to cast herself as the lead in the school’s production of West Side Story (because the opportunity to see Rachel sing more solo show tunes is exactly what Glee needs).
Speaking of Kurt . . . and Blaine
It’s Not Unusual . . . to Commit Arson at Your School . . .
Guess who just transferred to McKinley? That’s right, my Gleeky friends! Apparently, being a local legend / high school hero / Mr. Popularity /Warbler Extraordinaire, is NOTHING, if you can’t spend every waking minute of the day with your high school boyfriend. Ah, the wonders of Dumb Young Love!
(Oh, something tells me our super attractive friend is in for a RUDE awakening, the first time he gets DENIED a solo, and when his adorably tight red pants inevitably get covered in blue slushee . . .)
By way of introducing himself to his new school, and Glee club, Blaine decides to perform an AWESOME rendition of a song that I honestly always thought was incredibly LAME, until I heard Blaine Warbler sing it outside McKinley High, surrounded by a bevvy of cheerleaders, most notably new Cheerio co-captain (along with Sue’s pet, Becky), Santana . . .
Seriously, this was, BY FAR, the best musical number of the evening. I mean, he even did the CARLTON DANCE during it, for crying out loud. It just doesn’t get much cooler than that!
As you might have noticed, Blaine’s McKinley musical debut ended with a BANG, care of the cheerleaders dousing the piano with lighter fluid, and Bad Quinn flicking a cigarette on the now-flammable keys. While the piano bursting into flames, as a result of Blaine’s AWESOME singing made for a spectacular finale, it certainly did not make one Will Schuester particularly happy. And he ends up kicking Santana out of the Glee club for (ahem) playing for both teams . . . (See what I did there?)
“Not funny! Can’t you see I’m in pain here?”
Man, they really are dropping like flies in Glee club this year, aren’t they?
Oh, did I mention that Finn called Blaine out, when he was introduced to the rest of the Glee club, for being a BALL HOG, and getting all the solos at HIS school?
“Hello, Pot? This is Kettle calling . . . guess what, YOUR BLACK!”
The episode concludes with the remaining Glee clubbers performing a rousing rendition of yet another showtune Hairspray’s “You Can’t Stop the Beat,” while Bad Quinn looks on longingly from the rafters . . . undoubtedly wishing her elderly skateboarding boyfriend was there to give her a hug . . .
*sniffle, sniffle, pout, sniffle*
And that was the season premiere, in a nutshell. Next week’s promo promises, among other things, auditions for McKinley High’s production of West Side Story, the return of Rachel’s bio mom / Quinn’s adopted baby mama, Shelby Corcoran, some Finchel makeout sessions, and Brittany teaching us what the the REAL capital of Ohio is . . . You can watch it in its entirety (with Portugese subtitles, of course ;)), right here:
So, now that the premiere has come and gone, what are your thoughts? Are you psyched for this upcoming season? Or do you feel its time the whole series got itself glitter bombed? Sound off in the comments section below . . .
WILL: “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”
Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right? This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .
Oops! I don’t think she liked that remark.
And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest. We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .
Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .
. . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .
“I already got MINE, guys! Now it’s your turn!”
So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!
New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .
Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?
It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks! And you know what that means! It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo! (YAY!)
For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition. And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?
How could you not trust THIS face?
That’s right, boys and girls! It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty! And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .
Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer. In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents. Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .
. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .
Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet. At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.
“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”
Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing. Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.” This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . . I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .
. . . combined with THIS . . .
. . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .
(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .
So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .
Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals. However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .
. . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .
First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”
Her performance was pretty darn awesome. And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive. She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!). Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”
“What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉
You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .
Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.” Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number. Think I’m exaggerating? Then explain this to me: Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing?
What’s new, Pussy Cat?
Let that be a lesson to you, Santana: Censorship is BAD!
Next up was Kurt. He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy. And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y. That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .
I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it. I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest. Seriously, who DRESSES this kid? Edward Scissorhands?
One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE! Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .
Blaine APPROVES!
But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt? Jesse! He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.” “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains. Point well taken, Kurt. But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .
You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:
Third up was Mercedes. She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .
If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING! (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!) Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.
This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE! You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .
And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva. He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!
After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.
Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON! Enough is enough! There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!
Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.” Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired. And I don’t particularly want to hear it again.
Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number. Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .
If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . . .
You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan? Jesse St. Jackass!
OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then. But he’s definitely one now! And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance. In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.
Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.
“Haha! Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”
The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however. It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!
“Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”
So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her? Well, it turns out he’s going! In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests. Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals.
While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met. I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing. So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . . .
(OK . . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.” Thank you very much.)
Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.
Pure Imagination
It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya. (Libya? Really?) But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios. And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .
When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity. Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before. As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.
Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss. And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .
Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral. So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need.
Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers.
Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING? I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes.
Just sayin’
Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one. It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .
. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film.
Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all! And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple. But SERIOUSLY? Talk about BAD TIMING! I mean, how insensitive can you get?
“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”
Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.
Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem. (Maybe a little bit of both?) That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . .
Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals. Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .
Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!
The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass? Do we really care?
Only time will tell . . .
In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,” Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya. (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?
You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!
Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year.
When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed . . .
Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there?
Sayonara Sucka!
Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals? (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!) Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too.
But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .
Where’s the Beiste?
And the Sunshine?
And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?
Next week, is Glee season finale! (Can you believe this show has been on for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition!
You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:
So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions: Will New Directions beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year? Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat? You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out. See ya then!
“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,” says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE.
“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands. One lame tiara, for each lame man.”
Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one. And only some of them are actually worth watching. After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around: the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen. And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .
A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE! It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen. That’s all I’m saying! (Oh, and Finn? 1985 called. It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)
Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up. The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television.
My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels. In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”
I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!
“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”
The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”
“Fans from Home,” INDEED! I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode. So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening. Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .
. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.
Cute? Definitely! Bad Ass? Not exactly . . .
And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week? I smell PROGRESS!
Strike THREE, Zizes! YOU’RE OUT!
That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .
That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .
In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN! Stupid Air Supply!) . . .
. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club. Included on this list, of course, are . . .
“Run, Joey, Run”
(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)
AND . . .
that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .
Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!
One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.
Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week? Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .
There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom. (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?) I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners. But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date . . .
MERCEDES: “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”
RACHEL: “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”
Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else. However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado. And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it. That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams.
Ho’s Before Bro’s!
Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes. So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week.
Finny LIKE!
She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending. Way to go, Rach!
Trouty Mouth is very pleased!
“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”
Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..
In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it. Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy. (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.” SO CUTE!)
Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).
This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit. But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .
Dear, sweet, Artie! You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair? Orange Suit? Ruffled Shirt? NO! NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester. But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany.
“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me? Best of both worlds, right?”
Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you. And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .
The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .
But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT! Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .
Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)
“Yes! They are fighting over ME! Rachel Berry! Everybody loves ME! I’m awesome. Oh, boys! Stop fighting! This is terrible! Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”
Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom. But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more). We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .
You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .
Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .
Sunny side down?
. . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY). And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song. If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .
JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano. It’s very Pretty Woman.”
RACHEL: “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”
JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”
RACHEL: “Not really.”
JESSE: “Work with me here. I’m trying to get you laid.”
Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless. I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number. I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.
JESSE: “There is something different about you. Did you get a nose job?”
RACHEL: “No, Jesse! I decided against doing that. Geez! Don’t you watch Glee?”
As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs. His reason for breaking into McKinley High? Well, it seems to be two-fold:
(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business. Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight (Gee, ya think?); and
(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her. (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)
Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character? Absolutely. And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .
Watch out Finn-y! Your emotions are showing!
Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he? The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.”
(After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?)
Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous. Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn. (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it . . . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).
Oh, Finn! You poor smitten, little boy! You are SO SCREWED!
Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode. Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner.
In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills . . .
Ahem . . .
. . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.
Jesse – 1, Finn – 0
At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .
. . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks. This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom. Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen. But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .
Take that, Lucy Caboosey!
The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO! My life is over. I’m transferring schools . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)
And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch. (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week. This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.) So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need? Well, she gets THIS . . .
But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week. And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.”
Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn. Tomorrow, she might want Puck. And the day after, she might want Sam. But today, it’s Finn. And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!
What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it. Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!
“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”
The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience. Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty. And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing.
I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . .
Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face. She’s a better person than me, that Rachel. That’s for DAMN sure!
You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.
One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen. Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles. And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .
. . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it. Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .
Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears. Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .
SAM: “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”
Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself. But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.
Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place. “We don’t have to stay here, you know. We can leave and never look back.” But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet. Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .
(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs! FOR SHAME!)
That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG? Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉
For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt. But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core. And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears. Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.
(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right? Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song. But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE! Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)
I mentioned Santana, earlier. She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂 An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself. (Now, that’s a nice idea and all. But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?)
Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.” Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that . . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless.
And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .
Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.
As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch?
Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read. So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here. . . except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .
Don’t worry Artie! Everyone makes mistakes! Next week will be better for you, I promise. (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)
So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell. Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one. You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .
Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already. Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song? Tune in next week to find out . . .
Ahhhhh, February 14th! It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust. On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen. It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble. It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of . . . intense nausea.
Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .
But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you. Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret. And here it is: I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes. And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).
Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!
So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!
Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)
“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes. But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”
OK, Confession Time! So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves. ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .
Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?
When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .
No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.
Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!
“This is a Promise Ring Pop. It represents the Duration of Our Love. I’m yours, until the last lick. Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”
To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s. Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.” Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.” Unfortunately, she never did . . .
Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted
But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.). So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls.
“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty. She was such a Naughty Natty. That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .
You GO Puck! RIDE THAT PONY! (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)
You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .
“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.
You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song? ME! Santana! After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck. And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded. Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?
How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?
Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because . . . Do I really have to go there?
Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .
So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt.
(Nice product placement there. But wouldn’t it have been better if we . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)
But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman. So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more. . . meaty. Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse. As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale. And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!
Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent. But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions. So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her. Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement. So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.
But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!
B*TCH IS CRAZY!
So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .
Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head ScratchingMind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE! Make it stop! Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow. (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)
And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .
But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not? He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!
Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?
“Oh, come on! Don’t dump me NOW! Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated? Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”
If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments. Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .
Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!
So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds. (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.) Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget. Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!
Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause. And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.
But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn. And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth. And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .
Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .
Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him.
“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”
“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation. (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)
“Don’t feel bad, Sam. Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”
So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .
Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .
Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening.
But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .
“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .
Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair. So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do? This sounds like a job for . . .
The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!
So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat. She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .
I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states. Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.
Did you ever see the movieSpecies, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds? Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode. Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.
Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .
Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .
Sorry Sam!
(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart. Something tells me he won’t be alone for long . . .
. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future. Way to go, Samtana!)
While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono. Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right). But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is, he wants to bang her ANYWAY!
“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes. What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant? You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”
Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2. Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.
Speaking of Rachel . . .
Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)
“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”
Poor Rachel! She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck. This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck. However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her. Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID.
“What’s a girl to do?”
Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH. You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL. Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .
“W . . . T . . .F!”
When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.
“You need to shine. Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.
It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .
Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .
Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her. (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?) She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like. He tells her it made him see Fireworks. (Asshat! Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)
“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?” Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.
LIE FINN! LIE! SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!
Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.
YOU SLIMY BASTARD!
Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too. You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom. To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.
You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .
Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .
Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog. (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)
Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break. Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club. As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day. But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are. When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM. (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)
Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap. The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .
“We are not safe in the outer world! What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”
Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.
“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”
And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive. Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .
Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening! Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine. All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.” And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!
Poor Jeremiah! If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.
A Brief Note to the GAP: This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD! Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!
Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?
You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:
Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem. For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics. (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”) And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes. (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM! Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)
“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”
Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.
“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here. Think anyone gay works THERE?”
Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog. Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are. They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another.
“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.
“I can see a resemblance. Don’t you?”
“Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.
Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!
Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson. And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon. It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies. And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?
Ummmmm . . .
TINA: “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”
BRITTANY: “That’s SO HOT!”
(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one. So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)
Tears of a Clown
Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy? No? Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .
Please, lord, make it stop!
But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!
Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.
The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.
After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE? Way to live dangerously boys?). The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”
And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell. Did you like it? Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine? Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?
“Is that an elf in your pants, Santa, or are you just happy to see me?”
Ahhhhh, Christmas. It’s a holiday seeped in tradtion: the presents, the mistletoe, the egg nog, those ugly Christmas sweaters, the Yule Log, those ridiculous old made-for-tv movies on Lifetime and ABC Family . . .
It’s enough to nauseate warm even the coldest of hearts . . .
This week’s pre-hiatus Glee episode was all about the Holiday of Giving. And it offered up enough Christmas Cheer and Yueltide Cheese to keep you in Sugar Shock, well past New Year’s (which I guess — considering that new episodes of Glee won’t air until February 2011 — is a good thing).
Poor Will! Based on the way things ended for him this episode, it doesn’t look like he’s going to be getting LAID, until after the Superbowl, either . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
Secret Santas Got a Brand New Bag
When the episode opens, Emma — who has experienced some major coldness from the MAN WHO IS NOT-SO-SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER, ever since she announced to him that she ran off with Jesse from Full House Dr. Carl Howell for a Plot Device Vegas Wedding — invites Will to a Christmas party at the Tanner Household La Casa de Carl.
“Have MERCY!”
Understandably, Will looks like he would rather stab an ice pick through his heart, than spend Christmas watching Emma and Carl PDA and “Santa Baby” on the “Most Wonderful Night of the Year.” (Can you blame him?)
Fortunately, Will’s Sulkfest 2010 is interrupted by a Beiste Bearing Gifts . . . well actually . . . more like a Beiste bearing names, as the faculty at McKinley High plans to exchange Secret Santa gifts this year. Will gets THIS NAME . . .
. . . which makes him do this . . . again.
We later learn that Sue Sylvester has actually rigged the Secret Santa so that EVERYONE pulls her name. In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House, HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!
Meanwhile . . .
I Saw Someone Still Believing in Santa Claus . . .
When Artie learns that his “Very Special” girlfriend, Brittany, still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes determined to preserve the Magic of Christmas for her. But he ultimately ends up shooting himself in the foot (wow that was inappropriate on SO many levels), when he takes Brittany to Santa Land at the mall.
While the rest of the Glee kids ask “Santa” for reasonable things like “bling” (Santana), “Puck’s Love” ( me Lauren Zizes), or for Channing Tatum to star in less stuff (Mike) . . .
(I think its an “abs” thing. Some guys just don’t know how to handle a little competition . . .)
(Coincidentally, you can catch Channing Tatum in the upcoming film The Dilemma, starting January 14, 2011.)
. . . Brittany asks for Artie to be able to walk, which reminded me of the time when he DANCED . . .
But, seeing how that was just a dream sequence . . . yeah . . . Artie is kind of screwed.
Would you rather be slusheed, or hit in the head with a designer shoe?
While Brittany has no trouble keeping herself in the Christmas spirit, the rest of the Glee kids are feeling a bit more Scroogey. After all, they are STILL getting slusheed in the hallways (though now the slushees are in festive Christmas colors!). And, when they try to sing “Need a Little Christmas” to classes around the school, in order to collect money for a charitable holiday class trip . . .
. . . they get heckled and hit in the head with Christmas boots. Bah Humbug! Decorating the Glee choir room and singing “Welcome Christmas” does little to lift the kids spirits. Although THIS helps some . . .
Speaking of sporting a little Christmas Wood . . .
Blaine and Kurt heat things up, while singing about the cold . . .
In my absolute favorite performance of the evening (even though plotwise, it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the episode, AT ALL), Blaine finds Kurt studying alone in the lounge at Dalton Academy, and asks him for a sexual favor. You see, Blaine was selected to sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at some random Christmas pageant, and simply can’t play with himself practice alone.
And so, the duo launch into a modern take on the classic song. The result is fun and adorable enough to warm the cockles of even my cold, cold heart. Those of you who haven’t seen it yet, can enjoy it here:
After the solo, Will randomly shows up at Dalton Academy — a school that not only has a “No Tolerance for Violence” policy, but, apparently, also has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER. You would think that the Spanish-teacher-who-hasn’t-spoken-a-lick-of-Espanol-since-the-pilot-episode was there to wish Kurt a Merry Christmas, or give him advice of some sort. But NOOOOOOO . . . this visit was all about Will, and his problems! (What else is new?)
You said it, Sista!
Here’s Kurt, suffering the slings and arrows of unrequited luuuuuuuuuve, and all Will wants to do is bitch about how can’t figure out what to get Sue for her Secret Santa gift. Selfish much?
OOPS!
Will’s only gift ideas so far have been a Robot Dog and a Soul. Now, I don’t know about that whole “Soul” thing, but a Robot Dog would be an AWESOME Christmas present . . . (hint, hint Mom . . . if you are reading this)
(My cat would never be without a companion!)
Kurt suggests a fur-lined tracksuit, instead . . . and I, for one, am hoping he meant faux-fur . . . At least, with the Robo Dog, you can be sure that no living creatures were harmed in its making . . .
Though some might beg to differ with that assessment . . .
You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch
Coincidentally, this is exactly what I look like, after eating bad cafeteria food . . .
On Secret Santa exchange day, Emma and the rest of the teachers quickly discover that Sue rigged the Name Pot (Name Jar?), in order to get all the presents for herself . . .
“You a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless,” Sue says of Emma, when the latter reveals Sue’s devious plan to the rest of the faculty.
The teachers stomp off in a collective huff, as Sue, along with her new minion, Becky, sort through all her new Christmas gifts with sadistic glee . . .
Not surprisingly, about six different people got her The Shake Weight . . .
Teachers and Late Night Infomercials — It’s a Match Made in Heaven (plus tax)
Eventually, Will returns to take all Sue’s gifts back. He claims she has no legal right to them (which, I guess is true, but, then again, neither does he). Will plans to take the undeserved gifts to the underprivileged children in a nearby district. Though honestly, I’m not sure what a bunch of kids would do with an adult fur-lined track suit, a blender, and six shake weights . . .)
Sue, of course, is APPALLED . . .
“I’m appalled.”
And so, she decides to get revenge, by inexplicably painting her face Grinch Green (riiiiight, because no one will recognize her NOW!), and heading to the choir room — along with her trusty Reindog Becky — to steal back the gifts, and ruin Christmas for Will and the Glee kids . . .
While Sue and Becky snatched presents, smashed ornaments, tore tinsel, slashed mistle toe, and cut down the Glee tree, a voice in the background eerily broke into a rendition of Sue the Grinch. I later learned that voice belonged — not to anyone in the Glee cast — but, instead, to K.D. Lang . . .
Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because that’s not random at all.
At the end of the song, Brittany arrives, decked out in her best Cindy Lou Who attire . . .
(By the way Gossip Girl fans, I bet you will never guess who played Cindy Lou Who in the movie version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas . . . I’ll give you a hint, her name starts with a Raccoon and ends with a Zombie.)
Meet Cindy Lou Who, also known as Little J / Taylor Momsen. Poor Dr. Seuss must be rolling over in his grave right about now . . .
Anywho . . . Brittany mistakes Sue for Santa (Other things Brittany mistakes for Santa: tomatos, bananas, Stop Signs, Soap Scum on her shower.). Not seeming the least concerned that Santa is “green” and “ruining Christmas,” Brittany joyfully admits to the Grinch herself, that the presents under the tree are for the homeless. Brittany’s innocence and sheer honesty, in the face of such evil, makes Sue turn a little green . . .
. . . but it doesn’t make her feel bad enough to clean up her mess . . .
The next day, the Glee kids enter the choir room to find THIS . . .
Determined to save Christmas for his fellow Gleeks (it is his favorite holiday, after all), Finn offers to go pick out another tree for the choir room. And Rachel (seeking entrance back into The Finn Hudson Pantalones) offers to come along for the ride. After all, her first bid to win back Finn’s heart — which involved, you guessed it, her SINGING (lamest . . . Christmas gift . . . ever . . . Cheapskate) — failed miserably. So, she really had nothing to lose!
“Merry Christmas, Darling. Please enjoy the Gift of My Voice to make up for the fact that you are no longer entitled to the Gift of My Virginity . . .”
At the Christmas Tree Farm, Finn and Rachel sing a duet of the song Last Christmas . . .
When the song is over, Rachel, who has rubbed herself in car air freshener, for the occasion . . .
The best little roll-on perfume $2.50 can buy!
. . . makes her second play of the hour for Finn’s fickle heart. “Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you even though I am Jewish, and don’t celebrate Christmas and he did! It’s time for you to forgive me,” she said matter-of-factly, offering him a big wet and slobbery tongue kiss, as proof of the veracity of her statement.
But Finn, who is a self-righteous asshat (WOW! I can’t believe I am actually taking Rachel’s side on this one), runs away like the whiny b*tch he is. In doing so, the bastard completely forgets about his lofty plans to “Save Christmas,” and leaves Rachel to smell like the inside of a car, all by her lonesome . . . (Then again, maybe smelling Pine Fresh, will make it easier for Rachel to hitch a ride home with a Lonely Trucker or Hairy Mountain Man.)
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave me a fart . . .”
Meanwhile, back in the Better Plotline . . .
Brittany, Meet Santa Claus . . .
The Glee kids beg the increasingly adorable Shannon Beiste to be “Santa” at Brittany’s house, because she “has the right body type.” (Yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!) Artie hopes that “Santa” can kindly break the news to Brittany that “he” will not be able to get Brittany her requested gift of A Walking Artie . . .
That night, Brittany is thrilled to see Santa Beiste doing a “Christmas Dry Run,” right in her own living room!
However, her face falls, when “Santa” explains to her that she must instead give Brittany the gift of patience, instead of what she asked for, as “fixing Artie’s legs” is not a present that can be delivered overnight. To support her position, Beiste tells Brittany the story of a husky young girl who wished that Santa would make her look like all the other girls for Christmas. But, instead, Santa gave her the gift of “patience,” allowing her the time to eventually realize that she didn’t really WANT to look like all the other girls after all!
Gee, I wonder who that “Little Girl” could be?
“Was it Ricki Lake?” Brittany asks.
(You’ve gotta love when the writers of this show have the Glee kids making totally age inappropriate pop culture references.)
Though Brittany feigns a polite perkiness with Santa Beiste, the next day, Artie finds his girlfriend at her locker, looking completely crestfallen. “I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn’t magical, I don’t even know if I want to believe anymore,” she mutters.
In a move that makes me LOVE this couple even more than I did last week (Sorry Team Artina, I am 100% Team Bartie now!), Artie rushes Brittany home, to help her cope with her newfound crisis of faith. Once there, however, Brittany finds a very special gift under her tree . . .
It’s called a Re-Walk, and its experimental technology allows people, heretofore bound to wheelchairs, temporary use of their limbs. (Believe it or not, Re-Walk technology is very real. You can read more about it here.) Artie brought his Re-Walk back to school, to share it with the rest of the Gleeks. Seeing her Christmas wish come true literally brought tears of joy to Brittany’s usually vacant eyes . . .
And, all cheese aside, if this Glee moment didn’t melt your heart, just the slightest bit, you are simply not human . . .
No offense!
Speaking of melted hearts . . .
How Sue Saved Christmas . . .
Desperate times call for Desperate Measures, and when Will finds the Glee kids, going all Gift of the Magi on themselves, to raise money for their trip to see the underprivileged kids, he is impressed and disturbed at the same time. (The boys gave up their watches, while the girls were prepared to chop off their hair. Umm . . . does that sound like an unfair trade off to anyone else?)
Fortunately, Will has a money-making idea that will allow the girls to keep their luscious locks, and the boys to still always know when its time for sex lunch.
In the next scene, the Glee kids sing in front of a group, for the second time this hour. This time. however, the audience is made up of teachers. So, the kids won’t have to worry about getting shoes thrown at them again . . .
Well . . . maybe they have to worry a little bit.
The song the kids sang, as their coffers filled with faculty donations, was “Welcome Christmas,” a song with which, I’ll admit, I was completely unfamiliar, before this episode. And yet, one line of the song really stood out for me: “Christmas time it will always be, just as long as we have GleeTuesday nights at 8 p.m. on Fox” Now how’s THAT for product placement?
Conveniently, at the last moment, Sue walks in on the “caroling,” and immediately vomits is touched with the Christmas spirit. By the time the kids return to the choir room, all the Shake Weights are back under the tree, and everything is as it should be.
But wait! There’s MORE! Sue also convinces the Glee kids to go to WILL’S house, so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone. (What’s the matter Glee kids? Do none of you have parents?) Will is touched by the gesture, and shocked that it was Sue who orchestrated it. “I thought you hated the holidays,” says Will incredulously.
“No, I just hate you,” Sue replies.
Did I mention that Sue bought Will a Christmas gift too?
It’s a razor! So, Will can shave his HEAD! Get it? Well . . . I guess some things never change. (And yet . . . now that Sue mentions it, Will would look kind of hot with a crew cut . . . kind of like Channing Tatum . . .)
Sorry Mike!
The last moments of this very Yuletidey mid-season finale feature the Glee kids celebrating Christmas together at Will’s house . . .
It’s a schmaltzy, but sweet, end, to a schmaltzy, but sweet, Glee episode. Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks. So, Merry Gleestmas to all, and to all a Good Night!
Last year’s Sectionals brought our Glee kids together, in a really big way, by forcing them to pull an ENTIRE set list out of their collective butts, in the last few seconds before showtime. (If you recall, during that episode, New Directions’ original set list had been stolen by both of their competitors, thanks to one, very naughty, Sue Sylvester.) This year, however, that same competition seemed to drive a wedge between our Glee kids, the likes of which we haven’t seen before . . .
It seemed as though Kurt’s absence from McKinley High and the Glee club had cast a dark pall over all of our characters, as well as over the episode, in general. It was enough to make me wish that SOMEONE would stick a “warbler” up Karofsky’s ASS, so Kurt could come back to New Directions where he BELONGS, and things could go back to normal again . . .
To save Glee, this brave warbler is willing to BOLDLY go where no bird has gone before . . .
Pucker up those cheeks, Karofsky . . . and not the ones you used to kiss Kurt, either!
And yet, amidst all that darkness were some seriously sweet scenes between new couples (Artie and Brittany / Sam and Quinn), best frenemies (Kurt and Rachel), and prospective future couples (?) (Blurt and Puckleberry). Let’s recap, shall we?
“I feel like punching you, everytime you open your mouth.”
Woah, Quinn! Why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?
When Emma nervously suggested to Mr. Schuester, during the episode’s opening, that he too often relied on Finn, Rachel and Mercedes during New Directions’ public performances, at the expense of the rest of the Glee club, even the biggest Finchel fans out there had to admit the woman had a point. Lately, the Rachel/Finn Opening Ballad, and Mercedes Song-Ending Beltfest have become almost as common in Glee episodes as mash-ups, show-tunes, and Journey songs . . .
Here they go again . . . and again . . . and again . . .
However, when Will announced to the club that the solos typically performed by Finn, Rachel, and Mercedes would go to Sam, Quinn, and Santana, during this year’s Sectionals (with a little Mike and Brittany dance number thrown in for good measure), Finn whined like a little b*tch, and Rachel carried on, as though she had just been stabbed by her best friends in front of the Capitol Building, a la Julius Caesar . . .
*insert tragic Death Music here*
Rachel’s Lament seriously offends those Glee kids who actually HAVE been given solos, for once. And yet, no one is MORE offended than Santana, who chooses this precise moment to drop the bomb on Rachel regarding her illicit lovefest with Finn, during Season 1. “But we were ON A BREAK!” You can almost hear Finn argue in his head, though, at the time, he actually says very little in his own defense.
For what it’s worth, Finn. Ross Geller from Friends feels your pain.
Later, at “couples counseling,” Emma (riiiiiiight, because, clearly, Emma is a Relationship Expert) suggests Finn and Rachel sing Eagles songs to one another to work out their problems. However, Rachel would much prefer slapping Finn in the face. (What’s with all the violence this week, Glee ladies Make LOVE, not WAR!) And so, Emma suggests that Rachel “storm out” instead, thereby accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
“I never advocate Face Slapping amongst students. Faces, especially Teenage Boy faces, tend to be extremely germy and capable of spreading pestilence. Just thinking about it makes me want to wash my hands 35 times.”
“Just Be Yourself” (Unless “yourself” is at all different from the rest of us, in which case . . . DON’T)
If Kurt had sent a “canary” in before him, to test the environment at Dalton Academy, that sweet little yellow song bird would have suffocated, moments after breathing the same air as those stuffy Warblers . . . Last week, like Kurt, most of us assumed that the reason there is NO bullying at Dalton, is because of its “general atmosphere of acceptance,” and its “No Tolerance” policy for any form of violence. This week, however, we learned that the actual reason Dalton is Bully Free, is that being a “Bully” requires a level of individuality and personality (albeit a BAD personality), which the stuffy Dalton-ites simply don’t possess.
“This place sucks ASS! Once I get Blaine to swipe my V-card, I am SO out of here!”
Although the Dalton Academy Warblers initially seem to welcome new student, Kurt, into their ranks with open arms, when the teen has the GALL to offer some of his ideas for a Sectionals song list, the boys all start looking at him, as though he murdered all their family members, and ate them, one by one.
So, when Kurt is given the opportunity to audition for a solo, he recognizes immediately, that he is going to need a lot of help, if he wants a shot at getting the part. And so, he turns to the World’s Most Unlikely Ally EVER!
Though initially reluctant to help out her “competition,” Rachel ultimately relents, providing Kurt with what seems like the perfect song for him to use during the audition: namely, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” from the musical, Evita. At the audition, Kurt really seems to knock the song out of the park — though a concerned Blaine, continually motions for him to stop waving his arms, and using dramatic gestures, while he sings.
When Kurt loses the part, Blaine accuses him of “trying too hard.” Apparently, at Dalton Academy, when you want to “fit in,” you also have to “blend in.” And, as we know, “blending” is not exactly Kurt’s strong suit . . .
I’ll be the first to admit that I was TOTALLY skeptical of the idea of a Brittany / Artie coupling, when the idea was first introduced a few episodes back. I thought to myself, “How could these two POSSIBLY have any chemistry, with one another?”
BOY, WAS I WRONG! This week, Artie and Brittany may have even surpassed Quinn and Puck, as my favorite Glee couple . . .
Don’t worry, Puckster! I still love YOU the most!
It all started when Artie found a terrified Brittany in the lounge, completely freaking out over her Sectionals dancing solo, with Mike Chang. Though confident in her dancing abilities, Brittany worries about having the entire team’s hopes and dreams about winning Sectionals resting on her small shoulders. Fortunately, Artie has an idea . . .
He tells Brittany that he owns a Magic Comb, and that, if she brushes her hair with it, they are GUARANTEED to win Sectionals. “You are the best boyfriend ever,” says a very excited Brittany, before treating Artie to a chaste hug and lip smooch.
But then Mike and Brittany start spending a heck of a lot of time together, practicing their dance for Sectionals. A jealous Tina begins planting doubts in Artie’s head, arguing that Mike has a thing for cheerleaders, and has started to smell like Lipsmackers (which, apparently, Brittany wears and Tina would know this, because she makes out with Brittany all the time) Therefore, Mike and Brittany MUST be screwing . . .
Artie tries to deny to himself that his new girlfriend would ever cheat on him. But when Brittany starts acting really coldly to Artie, and ditching him to hang out with Mike, Artie can’t help but wonder whether what Tina is saying is true. Then, shortly before Sectionals, Artie accuses Brittany of adultery and she . . . admits to it.
Except, Brittany never actually CHEATED with Mike.
She just lost Artie’s Magic Comb! You see, Brittany confused “adultery” with “being a dolt,” and assumed that Artie was just mad at her, about losing the comb! But, as it turns out, the Magic Comb wasn’t really magic! (SURPRISE!) It was just something Artie found on the floor, and used to make Brittany not nervous anymore. “YOU are magic,” Artie tells Brittany, before treating her to a FIERCE little tongue kiss.
And they all live Happily Ever After . . . well . . . at least these two do . . . (and I guess Tina and Mike do too). But I can’t really say the same for everybody else . . .
“You stuffed Puck in a Port-a-Potty! You Bastards!”
If it weren’t for the whole “being stuck in a STINKY Port-a-Potty for 24-hours” thing, Puck would have had the best episode EVER! After all, he acted heroically, not once, but TWICE, during the hour. First, Puck REFUSED to screw Rachel, to help her get revenge on Finn for sleeping with Santana, even though he seemed to REALLY want to make sweet, sweet Puckleberry Love to the girl . . . even going as far as to admit out loud that he “kind of liked” her. Way to have self-control, Puckster!
Second, Puck LITERALLY took one for the team, this week, when Schue told him to find a new Glee club member to stand in Kurt’s place for Sectionals. Puck approached his football team first, in the Men’s Locker Room, about the opportunity, but got shoved in the stinky potty, as a result.
Kiss ME, PUCKSTER!
(Ummm, where were Finn, Sam and Mike, during this ordeal, may I ask? Aren’t they on the team too?)
Rotting away in Stinkville, Puck begins to worry that all hope is lost, until Wrestler Lauren Zizes comes to his rescue. So, Puck asks HER to go to Sectionals with him.
Lauren agrees, provided that Puck “makes out” with her. And guess what? Lauren ROCKS PUCKS WORLD!
She also, despite thinking that show choir is “lame,” happens to be a pretty good singer. So, when you think about it, Puck’s puckery lips really saved Sectionals!
Honeymoon in Vegas
“Don’t hate me Wemma Fans! I swear I didn’t mean it!”
Remember last year’s Sectionals when Emma had randomly rushed into marrying Ken Tanaka? (Ken ended up calling off the wedding, because she was so clearly in love with Will.) Well, it looks like the woman is at it again! (Maybe it’s an “OCD Thing.”) First, we learn that Dr. Carl won’t let Emma go to Sectionals with Will, because the last time the two of them hung out, they did this . . .
Then, Emma admits to Will, that, instead of going to Sectionals, she and Carl GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS!
(Now, I hate to be a cynical about this . . . but I’m kind of thinking that this happened so quickly, only because Uncle Jesse Carl convinced himself that Emma was a “wait until marriage” kind of virgin, instead of a “just haven’t gotten around to it yet,” virgin. And, having dated Emma for quite a few episodes now, the dude just REALLY NEEDED TO GET LAID.)
“Have MERCY!”
Although, Will tries to politely congratulate Emma on her nuptials, you can tell he’s pretty torn up about the whole thing . . .
Awww, don’t worry, Mr. Schue! We all know it won’t last! John Stamos is only guest starring for a few more episodes!
It’s Sectionals, Baby!
At Sectionals, the first performance comes from a group of aging GED candidates called the Hipsters. They sing Mike and the Mechanics’ “In the Living Years.” It’s a decent performance, but, given that none of the Hipsters appears to be under the age of 70, the song choice seems a bit morbid, if you catch my drift. They end up coming in Third Place . . .
“Dammit! I knew we should have sang, MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This,’ instead!”
Before Kurt goes on to sing with the Warblers, he and Rachel share a sweet moment, during which they admit they believed one another to be their only true competition at McKinley, and admit how much they miss one another, now that they aren’t going to the same school.
Perhaps, because of this shared moment, while the Warblers, led by Blaine, sing Train’s “Soul Sister” . . .
. . . a supportive Rachel reminds a very uncomfortable-looking Kurt to SMILE!
(By the way, did anyone else love how Blaine condescendingly told Kurt how important it was to “blend in” to the Warblers, and not show-off, when the during Sectionals, showing off and standing out were precisely what Blaine appeared to be doing? Just sayin . . .)
After the competition, Blaine assures a nervous Kurt, that he and his new bird (All the Warblers, apparently, have to care for REAL warblers, during their time on the team), are just “changing their feathers,” and will end up fitting into Dalton just fine.
Admittedly, it was a nice moment for the pair. But, am I the only one hoping Blaine will be WRONG? I don’t want Kurt to “change his feathers.” His “New Directions feathers” suited him just fine, in my opinion.
Speaking of New Directions, they are up next . . .
Our Glee kids open with Dirty Dancing‘s “I’ve Had the Time of My Life,” with Sam and Quinn taking on the Eye-F*&cking on Stage while Singing roles, typically reserved for Finn and Rachel. Next up is Santana, who performs a rousing rendition of Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie” . . .
. . . while Mike and Brittany dance, and throw one another around a bit . . .
When it comes time to announce the winner of Sectionals . . . SURPRISE . . . it’s BOTH the Warblers AND New Directions. As it turns out, they will BOTH be performing at Regionals against Vocal Adrenaline! How convenient!
It’s a pretty jubilant moment . . . until Rachel ruins it, by admitting to Finn that she tried to sleep with Puck, to get back at him for screwing Santana . . .
They break up over this. And it’s kind of depressing . . .
But, just in case things were getting too sad for you, the episode ends with Mercedes and Tina singing Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days are Over.” And we get to watch the Glee kids run around the stage like lunatics, during it . . .
But, I think my favorite part of the whole number, was when Rachel made this face . . .
(Don’t worry, Rachel! You keep making faces like that, and Finn will come crawling back to you, in no time. It’s a well known fact that no teenage boy can resist a good “O Face” . . .)
And, just in case that O Face wasn’t enough to put a smile back on your face, next week it’s CHRISTMAS! (Well . . . not really . . . but at least on Glee, it will be!)
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