Birth. It is a new beginning . . . a fresh start . . . a clean slate . . . a single, hopeful, spot on the blank canvas of life. When we are born, each and every one of us is pure and perfect
apart from the whole poopy diaper thing. It’s a state of being that occurs just once in our lifetime.
Rebirth, on the other hand is messier, and happens many times, throughout the course of a human life. In a sense, we are reborn, each time we have children, marry, begin a new job, move to a new place, start a new school year, awaken in the morning. The reborn are smudged, impure, and imperfect, baring within them the scars and blemishes of lives past. But also they are endlessly hopeful, that this time, finally, they will get it right . . .
“Kissed by Fire,” this week’s wet and wild episode of Game of Thrones, was all about baptism. Each of the show’s characters experienced a sort of rebirth, during the course of the hour, whether it be through a soul cleansing confession, the loss of one’s virginity, or a literal rising from the dead. Oh yeah, and we also got to see a lot of naked butts.
Let’s review, shall we?
Way to Go, Jon Snow!
It seems Littlefinger’s Male Escort Service has another promising candidate in its midst. A few week’s back, if you recall, Podrick had his menage-a-TERRIFIC with the lovely ladies of the Lannister castle.
And this week, Jon Snow showed admirable prowess with respect to “kissing.” It seems that virgin lotharios are becoming about as common in Westeros as . . . well . . . decapitated corpses.
Perhaps, there is something in the water?
Anywhoo, after a tense moment between Jon and his fellow Wildings — during which he was asked to expose, not only his former Knight Watch Brother’s various whereabouts, but also how many of them are in each location — Ygritte decided to distract her former-captive-turned-love-interest with an old-fashioned game of Phallic Item Keep Away.
The pair take turns stroking Jon Snow’s sword a bit, when they realize that they have “inadvertently” stumbled upon a little love nest, complete with its very own waterfall! Welcome to the sex scene setting for Every Romance Novel Ever Written . . .
Never one to be known for her subtlety, Ygritte gets naked faster than you can say, her trademark catchphrase: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
And then she says it . . . because Jon tries to get laid with his clothes on! Silly boy (those animal furs are mighty hard to penetrate)! Had they used those kind of prophylactic measures, the wildings would have gone extinct years ago!
Jon Snow may know nothing about the joys of unprotected sex. But he sure is a pro at making his lips speak a language that only ladies can understand, if you catch my drift.
From the looks of it, Ygritte is clearly impressed by Jon Snow’s “multilingual talents.” She wonders where he’s learned this impressive pet trick, especially considering the fact that, with the exception of his mother and MUCH younger “stepsisters,” he’s spent predominately all of his young life in the company of exclusively men. “I just wanted to kiss you there,” Jon Snow demurs (Because, clearly, someone has smuggled the DVD version of Cruel Intentions into the Wildings tents.
Next thing you know, Snow will be whipping Ygritte up a batch of that “Special Tea from Long Island.”)
Then again, Ygritte doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who requires liquid encouragement to play the Game of Bones, where everybody is a winner, and uniforms are optional. I mean, this girl wasn’t “kissed by fire,” for nothing. Now, come on ladies, you didn’t think a cable channel like HBO would hire an actor like Kit Harington, and NOT separate him from his direwolf wear at least once, do you? It’s time for these two crazy Wildings to get wild!
After its all over, Snow adorably admits to his heretofore virginal status, while Ygritte cops to having a bit more . . . OK . . . a lot more experience.
Now, before you judge little Ygritte, please consider the fact that she spends most of her time in a hut with a bunch of barbarians, and . . . well . . . not much else. (No HBO for her!) I mean, there’s only so many times you can watch that kooky guy “commune with crows,” and make snow angels admits the dead horses. A girl’s gotta keep herself entertained!
Ygritte tries to defuse an awkward situation, by reminding Jon Snow that he probably hasn’t bathed since his baptism. And the two go for a swim. It’s a quietly sweet romantic moment, that almost seems out of place on a show where everyone always seems to be in the process of being burned alive, bludgeoned, or having their appendages chopped off . . .
In other “adult-oriented” news . . .
Loose Lips Sink Loras
Loras Tyrell. This is a character whose three claims to fame are, in no particular order: (1) being the secret lover of the best looking Dead Baratheon Brother . . .
(2) expertly impersonating the Best Looking Dead Baratheon Brother on the battlefield . . . and
(3) being the only guy in Westeros with a perm?
Now, we can add Egregious Over-Sharer During Post Coital Cuddles to that list! Like Ygritte before him, one of Loras’ trusty man servants (a Macauley Culkin-looking guy we haven’t seen up to this point, and may never see again), deftly equates swordplay with foreplay, as he suggestively fondles Loras’ man bits, while offering to “serve him.” Thanks to Renly’s fine tutelage, Loras at least knew enough to take his clothes off, before all this “serving” began.
But, while Jon Snow tends to be more of the strong and silent type, Loras is a real Chatty Cathy in the sack. And it isn’t long before he spills the beans to Macauley Guy about his future nuptials to Sansa Stark. Macauley Guy promptly shares this news with Littlefinger, as he was undoubtedly paid to do. (See? I was totally right about Littlefinger’s burgeoning male escort business.)
Off With His Head . . .
Cute kids and pets are two species I never want murdered on my TV screen. So when that Karstark guy and his men killed those seemingly innocent little Lannister captures in their bed chambers, to avenge his own son’s demise, I was all for Robb Stark chopping his head off.
I felt this way, even though I recognized that, politically, this was a terrible decision . . . one that only served to further alienate the King of the North from the few families that offered him their allegiance. I also got the impression that the public decapitation (which Robb honorably performed himself, as Papa Ned taught him to do) had more to do with Robb’s wounded pride, over being directly disobeyed than any sense of empathy or fondness he had for these young murdered children.
And, of course, anyone whose ever read Shakespeare knows that being cursed by a dying guy, who lost his life as a result of a Family Feud is very bad luck indeed . . .
I suggest you sleep with one eye open Robb Stark.
Speaking of one eye . . .
The Many Lives of Beric Dondarrion
Arya loses her religion (not that she was ever particularly religious to begin with), when the Hound wins his Trial by Battle, despite the fact that he was TOTALLY guilty of killing Arya’s childhood friend.
So, you can imagine her surprise, when the seemingly dead Beric Dondarrion, pops up, after being slain in battle, as if he was merely taking a nap. Beric admits to Arya that prayers to the “Lord of Light” have “woken” him from the dead, no less than six times. He’s like Kenny from South Park, only with a cool eye patch in place of the orange hoodie.
Arya hopefully requests that the Lord of Light re-attach her departed father’s head to his body. But Beric isn’t sure it works that way . . .
Poor Arya, let down by the Lord of Light twice in one night. And she’s about to be let down, once again. The following morning she learns that her pal Gendry will not be traveling on with her back to the Starks. Rather, like Hot Pie before him, he will be sticking around with the crews previous captors. Gendry likes the camaraderie and democratic style of the Brotherhood without Banners. He hopes they could provide him with the family this bastard son of Robert Baratheon never had.
Arya hopes her good friend will reconsider. And offers him an alternative suggestion.
Sweet, Gendry. But it doesn’t really make up for the fact that you are leaving “your lady” alone with One Eye Guy, and trusting that he’ll bring her to her family, like he promised. Unfortunately, few people ever seem to do what they promise, where Arya is concerned. That’s why her list of “People to Kill” grows with each episode . . .
That said, I love the dynamic between Arya and Gendry, and hope they get the opportunity to reconnect, later in the series.
Why Everyone Should Name Their Kid Grey Worm . . .
It’s been a pretty busy day for everyone’s favorite Dragon Mommy. She laid siege to a city, garnered an entire army, and freed a population of slaves, all in the span of about 15 minutes! Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, Dany!
In this week’s episode, we see Dany trying her hand at politics, when she asks her new army of unsullied to democratically select amongst themselves, who they wish to have as their general. And I gotta say, those unsullied have damn good taste! The guy they choose is pretty hot . . . not that being hot necessarily translates to being a good army general. But it certainly can’t hurt.
Dany is horrified and saddened to learn that her new army general, like the rest of the unsullied, has been forced to take a name whose purpose is to dehumanize and degrade him. Greyworm . . . it sounds like one of those weird names celebrities choose for their kids.
So, Dany encourages all the now-free unsullied to choose their OWN names. Pretty cool right?
Except that Grey Worm ultimately chooses . . . “Greyworm.” In his defense, his explanation for choosing such an awful name is pretty awesome.
Awww! That’s sweet. Now, I wanna be named Grey Worm! From now on, please consider this website Grey Worm Recappers Anonymous!
It All Comes Out in the Wash . . .
Rub, a dub, dub . . . Jamie Lannister and Brienne are sharing a tub!
Even though he’s down a hand, and looks like his body hasn’t touched water in days, Jamie’s still packing heat where it counts, if you catch my drift. And as a result, he is not the least bit shy about showing his wares to the androgynous Brienne. If Game of Thrones was a romantic comedy or sitcom, these two would be that couple that started out despising one another, and ended up humping like bunnies . . .
Take for example, this scene, during which Jamie teases Brienne about her inability to bring him back to the Lannister’s in “one piece.” The joking accusation enrages Brienne so much that she forgets her nudity, and rises from the tub in all her bare bummed splendor. Briennes taking of offense to Jamie’s joke, softens him. He admits to her that he trusts her and is tired of fighting.
That admission ultimately leads to an even larger one. In a remarkably well acted and poignant speech, Jamie tells Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer. As it turns out, Jamie broke his oath as a knight and killed the king, not for power or any other lofty purposes, but rather because the Mad King wanted to lay siege to his entire city, and asked that Jamie murder his own father.
Overtaken with the emotion of his confession, Jamie faints, causing Brienne to rush forward and clutch him in her arms, like a concerned lover. She shouts his name out, in a cry for help.
But Jamie corrects her . . .
Hooked on Phonics, Worked for Davos . . .
So, apparently Stannis Grumpy Pants has a daughter, who despite some facial scarring, is way cooler and perkier, than anyone sharing genes with Stannis has any right to be. (Maybe she gets it from her mother.) Despite being told that Stannis’ former right-hand man Davos is a traitor to the cause, she sneaks off to visit the man, who she considers a dear friend. She brings him books to read during his incarceration. And when Davos admits he is unable to read them. She offers to teach him herself.
All together now. “Awwwww . . .”
The World’s First Test Tube Babies?
You know what’s not “Awwww?” Dead babies in bottles of green gunk.
Remember I said that Stannis’ wife must be a nice lady to have such a sweet daughter. Well, nice she may be, but she sure is looney tunes. Apparently, Mrs. Baratheon has been having some difficulty conceiving Stannis a strapping male heir. And you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, store the evidence of your mistakes in a jar in your basement . . .
Stannis pops by his wife’s Dead Baby Museum, feeling a whole lot of guilt about schtupping the red-headed Melissandre, while wifey was sitting home staring at baby food jars . . .
But Mother of Test Tube Babies says it’s TOTALLY COOL that Stannis is boinking Melissandre. After all, she’s down with the “Lord of the Light,” and has the capacity to make male babies, something Mrs. Baratheon might never be able to do . . .
Tsk, tsk Mrs. Baratheon, you’ve just pushed the woman’s movement back to the Middle Ages. Then again, since that’s when this story takes place, I guess that’s not so bad . . .
Last but not least . . .
The Millionaire Matchmaker
Oh, Tywin Lannister! Your douchebaggery knows no bounds. In the final moments of this week’s Game of Thrones, Tywin orchestrated marriages for not one but TWO of his children, both of whom are well in their thirties. .
For the past few week’s Sansa Stark has been the topic of everyone’s conversation over in Lannister Land. She’s young, she’s pretty. And despite her father’s recently headless status, she seems to be the key to gain the favor of the North, a necessary step to achieving the Iron Throne.
And just when it seemed like Sansa would end up either married to Big Gay Loras, or whisked away to points unknown with the sly and slimy Littlefinger, Tywin introduces a surprise third option. Sansa Stark will marry . . . Tyrion?
The Lannister clan’s most petite member is horrified on Sansa’s behalf. He argues that being saddled with yet another Lannister, after that evil wretch Joffrey murdered her father, and brutally abused her, would be a terrible punishment for the innocent maiden. Plus . . .. welll . . . dude’s kind of old enough to be her dad.
Cersei, of course, thinks this is hilarious, since her brother’s misfortune is always her greatest joy.
But it’s ultimately Tyrion who gets the last laugh. Because Tywin has a marriage in mind for Cersei too. Loras Tyrell!
Now, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem like such a bad deal. I mean, apart from the bad perm, Loras is pretty adorable. (Though, I suspect the whole “making babies with ladies” thing, is not really up his alley.) But, lest we forget, Cersei’s heart belongs to another . . . her brother.
And the thought of marrying yet another person, who is not a blood relation, horrifies Cersei to her core. Ahh, parting with incestuous love is such great sorrow . . .
See ya next week, Westeros!