Tag Archives: Melissa and Ian

Hey Ian! How’s it Hanging? – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Season Finale “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

 

When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.”  Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .

Ummm . . . nice scarf?

Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week.  In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes,  downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.”  (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly “SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)

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OK . . .  maybe that was putting it less than kindly.

So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties?  Let’s get that bell tolling!

Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star

Hanna:  “Wait to go, Tobster!  Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”

Spencer:  “Shut up!  He’s mine!  You already have three love interests!”

Hanna:  “Come on!  I only have TWO!  Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”

The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week.  The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died.  In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby .  . .

And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)

In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . “play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.” 

“Wow!  I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”

By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? —  Incestuous Sociopath FAIL! 

*sings*  “I once was lost, but now I’m found.  I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”

(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT.  So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)

Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos.  In hindsight, this was probably a mistake.  After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna.  Like, this GUY, perhaps?

“Oh no!  If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”

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As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour.  And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death. 

But what if Blind Jenna is “A”?  Are the girls walking into a trap? 

Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E

This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .

Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer.  Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.”  And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home. 

Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating or even vaguely interesting questions at all!  (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!) 

But WAIT!  There’s more!  Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution (except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!

What’s more?  Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college, and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants.  So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and .  . . visit her bedroom.

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And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms!  (Right, Abs Toby?)

But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .

Uh Oh!

It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.”  In fact, she TEACHES at the college too! 

To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching. 

(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy!  Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)

But, hey!  At least you got inside her bedroom!  That’s gotta count for something, right?

In other BAD news . . .

None of my Exes Live in Texas .  . .

Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year.  Poor Emily!  What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?

And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas?  Will Emily have to change her “look,” in order to fit in there?

 

Tune in next season when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!

In other news . . .

Marry me, Lucas!

LUCAS IS BACK!

And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place.  When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back  .  . .

Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture.  But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her.  After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her  . . .

Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna!  You might still be able to find it!

 . . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb.  Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the not particularly effective ripping.  When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.

Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me.  After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her.  So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb?  After all,  just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?

HUH?

I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum:  (1)  Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for.  And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy.  And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart.  She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.

“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities.  Because I can’t count any higher than that.”

Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna.  He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.

“Why are you doing this for me?”  Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.

“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.”  “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.

(*Sigh!*  Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)

OK . . . I’m back!  Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .

. . .  Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone.  Oops!

You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week.  After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .

The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)

Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love.  The PLL girls want answers from Jenna.  They think they are  entitled to them.  They want the TRUTH!

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As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .

(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident?  Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged?  Her face burned and bruised?  I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing!  Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free.  Because I’m getting admittted!)

So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.”  She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw  earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby.  “The guy I like likes to make movies.  I thought they were just about me.  As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,”  Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).

 Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video.  But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said. 

“Really Jenna?  You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’   Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety?  I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do, and I am one of them.”

Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali.  Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day.  And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER!  (Aha!  So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)

After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian.  Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”

“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single?  I’m looking to mingle!”

But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing.  Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?”  Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house.  Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives.  But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen.  Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .

Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT!  Not YOU TOO!  Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?

I stand corrected!

Nice Knowing Ya, Ian!  (But, not really . . .)

“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”

So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church.  But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be  . . . entirely human.

Awww!  He looks just like his dad!

Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive.  They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.)  In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive. 

Hanna:  “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”

Aria:  “What do you THINK?”

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Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation.  Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure.  Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives  .  . .

. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are.  (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)

Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .

Hey there, Sexy?  Who are YOU?  And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?

Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.  He’s WAY HOTTER!  Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf. 

Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars?  Ummm . . . I don’t think so!

Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . .  yeah.  (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)

Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .

This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . .  . interview(?). 

(Wait . . .  if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too?  Lazy pregnant biatch!)

Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away.  Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.”  In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.  (Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)

Then, of course, the two makeout .  . . again . . .

Never .  . . gets . . . old.

Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church. 

“Wahhhh, MY PHONE!  Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband!  Wahhhhh you’re mean to me!  Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!  Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!

Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?).  Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her.   But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby.  So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone.  (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway!  Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)

“Oh, please!  The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway!  At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”

So, Spencer heads back to the church.  And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!

You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out.  Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House that he may have trapped her in, in the first place?  Well, all that is GONE in this scene.  Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode! 

“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.

Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child.  (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident.  Interesting . . .)

So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers. 

Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating  flashdrive (makes some fairly lame “home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL”  tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.

Wait . . . WHAT?  You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer!  I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!

Oops!

Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .

ARIA:  “Crap!  I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”

EMILY:  “Don’t worry!  It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”

This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer.  (I hope you recorded that, Emily!) 

Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying.  And I STILL don’t think I got it all down.  Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide.  He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.

There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue: 

(1)  He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death.  While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.”  This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.  

 (2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa.  Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)?  Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?

It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!

The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand.  Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower.  In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life.  Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding.  What happens next is pretty shocking.  (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!)  A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding.  And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death.   Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung. 

Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building.  They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .

Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!

But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!

In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .

And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is.  Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A

Oh boy!  Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season!  Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1.  So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties!  Start sleuthing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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This Used to Be a Funhouse (But Now it’s Filled with Evil Clowns) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Monsters in the End”

Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?

(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink.  To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here.  But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned.  There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)

Hey there, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying!  No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 . . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!

So, are you ready to relive the fear?  Let’s get on with the recap . . .

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me.  (And I Have No Privacy.)”

The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney.  Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.”  And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!).  But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . .  BIG TIME!)

Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts.  Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games.  Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb. 

The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them.  (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?)  Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!).  However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers  . . .

“Got a secret?  Can you keep it (in your pants)?”

As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window.  She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched.  Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .

As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .

Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .

I have a question for you ladies out there.  When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?”  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook.  Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week.  Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week. 

So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.”  What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .

OK.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION??  Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire?  She looks insane!

And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge.  (I guess ignorance runs in that family.)  Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .

“Ohhhh no!  You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch!  Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”

This, of course, brings me back to my main story.  Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school.  While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop.   And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .

Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA?  (Maybe SHE’S A!)

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day!  And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!

Oh Fitzy!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!

“What was his status update?  Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?”  Spencer snarks.

Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).

Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”

And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .

But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it.  So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .

Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department.  Was I the only one?  According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago.  He proposed to her in Italy.  She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.”  And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page. 

Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do:  rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating?  I mean, seriously!  What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”

Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his mid-life crisis future.  And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .

Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.”  (Just imagine the paper cuts!)

Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later).   The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .

Oh Fitzy!  You have some ‘splaining to do  . . . AGAIN!

In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY?  You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night.  Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz!  Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!

Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Caleb!  (For good?)

As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna.  To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done.  Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.”  (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)

Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key”  that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered.  “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.

“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.

Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother.  You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!) 

In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna.  But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb.  And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival”  to say goodbye to Hanna in person.  (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars?  Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?) 

“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!”  Mama Marin instructs.

So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into .  . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!

Can they just MURDER this chick, already?  Seriously!  Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .

Because Hanna won’t talk to him again and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf.  So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter.  Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .

She then pours her soda all over it.  Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter.  Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being.  Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese.  So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE.  And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .

Seriously!  Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?

When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change.  So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye.  And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna.  (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)

Sorry Hanna!  It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again  . . .

Source

(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF!  RANDOM!)

Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .

Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .

This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . .  and that’s just tonight!

Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet.  This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends.  A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together  . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS! 

When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore .  . .

Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .

They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors.  Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.”  When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .

The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival .  (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR!  Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.) 

At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season.  And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.

As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago.  This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected.  But, then, why would Melissa cover for him?  Verrrrry interesting!

Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever!  But Spencer goes anyway.  And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .

If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.

Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?

The question is:  Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?”  She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .

Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark.  In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true!  (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)

Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously.  But no one seems to hear her.  Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her.  And then she sees THIS . . .

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND!  HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”

So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO?  HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse?  WTF?

Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene.  He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way.  And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place.  But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt.  Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂

After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion.  Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit!  And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .

Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian!  Be VERY JEALOUS!

It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!

Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .

I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS!  He’s on TWITTER!  And FACEBOOK!  And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE

Life is GOOD AGAIN!

OK .  .  . back to the show . . .

Paige . . . You’re FIRED!

Silly Paige!  Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?

Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week.  Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.”  Once again, she contemplated “coming out.”  This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop,  so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad.  Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.”  Emily agreed.  But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!

When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS.  But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place.  Deciding that Paige has awful hair!  is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.

Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige.  She then gets another one from “A,”  informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep.  I SMELL A FLASHBACK!

It’s now a year prior.  Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires.  Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift.  “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali.  “It’s more valuable than it looks.”

Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe.  And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM.  Something is inside.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!

Score!

Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker.  So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there.  Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment.  But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . .  (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)

Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic.  (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!)  Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS?  First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)

“Ughhh!  She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”

Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops.  On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .

The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker.  This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)

Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense.  It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark.  What more could a PLL fan ask for?  (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Scavenger Hunted – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Keep Your Friends Close”

“Afraid of driving alone at night?  Not sure what dangers may be in the store for you, just around the corner?  Put an inflatable Creepy Toby in your back seat TODAY, and drive in ‘comfort’ TOMORROW!”

WOAH!  Pretty Little Liars gave us quite the little twisty, turny Season Finale, didn’t they?  And talk about piling on the potential suspects!  At this point, ANYONE can be “A,” can’t they?  Heck, I could be “A!” But I’m not . . . (or am I?). 

In addition to keeping us guessing as to the identity of Ali’s killer, “Keep Your Friends Closer” also provided fans with a whole bunch of information about what (and WHO) Ali was doing, outside Spencer’s farm house, on the night she was murdered.  But no matter how much information we learned, everything seemed to keep leading us back to THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who I will hereinafter refer to as “Pedophile Ian.”  (You’ll understand why, soon enough . . .)

So, without further adieu, LET THE HUNT (and the scavenging) BEGIN!

My Super Schmucky Sweet 16!

When the episode begins, the girls each receive invitations from Mona the A**hole to attend a party, in honor of her being born 16 years prior.  (Perhaps, a Day of Mourning would be more appropriate?)  The girls reluctantly accept the invitiations.  However, (all except Hanna) plan on bailing on the b*tch.  That is, until they get a text message that reads, “Camp Mona is a scavenger hunt, and I’m the prize.  Come find me b*tches! – A” 

GAME ON!  Looks like our girls will be “glamping” after all.  (Whatever the heck that means!)

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the most annoying castmember of them all?   IT’S ME!”

Later, Mona the A**hole (who had WAY TOO MUCH screentime this week, if you ask me) arrives at Hanna’s house begging for handouts.  Apparently, having a spa party named after her wasn’t enough.  This b*tch wants a fancy dinner too.  Hanna tries to get out of it, because who the heck would want to spend time with this horrible troll she doesn’t have the money to pay for dinner.  But Hanna’s mom, who has overheard the exchange and feels super guilty about all the sacrifices her daughter is making, due to the family’s precarious financial situation, spots Hanna the only $100 bill in her wallet.

“Don’t sweat it, honey!  You can turn tricks to pay me back tomorrow!”

But when Hanna ends up canceling on Mona anyway, due to being stuck in the principal’s office (more on that later), her “Best Friend” turns on her completely, by (1) starting some rumor that Hanna got thin through liposuction; and (2) disinviting Hanna to her lame party.  OH THE HUMANITY!

But I really had my heart set on getting BLOWN (dry . . . in the Blow Room, of course). . .

Now, about that liposuction rumor . . . Mona claims she got a text about it from “A.”  Really?  Because it doesn’t seem like Hanna ever told Mona about “A.”  And if Mona doesn’t know who “A” is, why would she listen to “A” over Hanna?   Unless of course, MONA IS “A?”

“Does this mean we don’t have to go this lame ass party?”  Emily asks, hopefully, upon hearing about Hanna’s and Mona’s “messy breakup.”

But Hanna forces them to go, because she’s tired of “A’s” games, and she wants to “scavenge” her.  Besides, Hanna plans on crashing Camp Mona, so that SHE can hunt for “A” too  . . . 

(Please take Lucas with you, please take Lucas with you, please take . . .)

Hanna DIDN’T take Lucas to the party, nor did she take my OTHER fave Pretty Little Liar man . . .

(Not like she even knows Wren to take HIM, but still!)

 I can’t help but wonder, whether things would have ended up better for her, if she had brought company along  . . .

Move over Deputy Douchey!  You’ve Been Replaced (by the FBI . . .)

“So, I parade around your television screen half-naked, and THIS is the thanks I get!  I’m FIRED?   WTF!”

Once again, the Fabulous Four are called to the Principal’s office together, and once again, their meeting is “All About Ali.”

Apparently, in addition to terrorizing her classmates, reading the classics, and eating cute little puppies for lunch, Dead Ali was also quite the Child Porn Star, in her day! 

Observe Ali’s expert “O” Face!

But Ali’s hottest video, was the one made on the day of her death (which I guess makes it Snuff Porn?).  The video was sent to the Rosewood Police Department by an “Anonymous” party, the day before.  And it was the receipt of this video that forced the local rent-a-cops to come to the conclusion that they were out of their league, and that bigger guns were needed.  In the video, Ali is stripping out of a hideous green button-down sweater, and “making love” to the camera.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” she says seductively to her audience. 

Honestly, after seeing some of the places that mouth has been?  No, not really . . .

The girls confirm that the yellow dress Ali is wearing in the video is the one she wore on the night of her disappearance.  But the origins of that hideous green sweater remain a mystery.  Emily also notes that the place where the video was filmed has been creatively named “Kissing Rock.”  In return for this information, the FBI let the girls in on the fact that the still MIA Creepy Toby remains their primary murder suspect.

Later, a news broadcast on television informs the girls that a warrant has been issued for Creepy Toby’s arrest.  Apparently, the jacket Ali was wearing in her Child Porn Flick was Toby’s and the blood on it matched his blood. 

What?   Does this mean Ali and Toby “Sister F*&ker” Cavanaugh were SECRET LOVERS? 

How is that even possible?  Well . . . I KNOW how it’s possible . . . but . . . you get my drift.

Pedo Ian Rides (Everyone) Again . . .

“Why do I get the feeling, I’ve been here before?”

Remember early in this season, when Spencer met her sister’s fabulous then-fiance, Wren, and the two hit it off like perfect soulmates . . .

 . . . and started going at it like horny bunny rabbits?

(Well, I’m glad YOU do, because the writers of Pretty Little Liars certainly don’t seem to!)

But I digress .  . .  apparently, this wasn’t the FIRST time, Spencer swapped spit one of her sister’s men. 

From a flashback scene, we learn that Melissa’s then-boyfriend, Ian, used to help Spencer with her “hockey swing” (insert sexual euphemism here), and sometimes ended up helping her with her TONGUE- SWING . . .

The costume and lighting designers did a very nice job making Troian look younger in this scene.  Certainly closer to the 14 or 15 she was supposed to be in the flashback, than she is in real life.  But that only made her tryst with the 20-something Ian character more disturbing.

Hence, the nickname, Pedophile Ian.  (And don’t even get me started on his later romantic scenes with the ACTUAL 14-year old who plays, Ali, Sasha Pieterse . . .)

But if anything GOOD came from Pedo Ian’s unceremonious return to Rosewood, it was that it allowed Spencer to FINALLY attain forgiveness from her sister, Melissa, for singlehandedly ruining the latter’s upcoming nuptials . . .

Spencer even convinced Melissa to give Pedo Ian another chance, even though he had dumped her all those years prior.   (Then again, considering what happened at the end of this episode, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.  But hey, if anyone can protect themselves from violent nutjobs, it’s Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill!

Pedo Ian, consider yourself WARNED!

It’s EASY!  Like taking MONEY from Little Old Ladies!

There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who bilk Grandmas out of their live savings.  And, from the looks of it Hanna’s mom is going there for sure!  It all started when Hanna’s mom, Ashley, started falling behind on her bills, as  a result of a difficult economy.  Cutbacks were made in Ashley’s life, and in the life of her daughter.  Fun Time in the Marin house was over.  No more caviar in the fridge . . .

  . . . no more douching . . .

or Deputy Douchey-ing . . .

No more inviting male prostitutes over for some “Afternoon Delight” . . .

In short, no more fun.  Unfortunately, for Hanna’s mom, all that cutting back may have come too little to late, because she had become delinquent on her mortgage payments, and her house was about to be foreclosed upon.

But don’t you count out Ashley just yet!  After all, she gave birth to Hanna, the best shoplifter in ALL of Rosewood!

Well .  . . except for that one time, when she got caught . . .

But, let me tell you, solid shoplifting genes like that?  They DON’T just appear out of nowhere.  Those are a BIRTHRIGHT!

For those of you who were always left wondering where exactly it was that Hanna’s mom worked, we finally got that answer in tonight’s episode.  She works at a bank.  A bank where little old ladies, who have NO relatives, receive gobs of money from other dead little old ladies, and leave hundreds of thousands of dollars of cold hard cash in a safety deposit box (Perish the thought of putting it in an ACTUAL savings account!), which they only visit once a year, after which, they conveniently forget to take back the deposit box keys.

So, of course, with “no other options,” Hanna’s mom absconds with the cash.  And she must work in a really bad neighborhood too!  Because, as she is driving away, this told wackjob creeper asks her for a ride.  Ashley firmly declines and guns it out of there like a Bat out of Hell.  I mean, look at the guy . . . wouldn’t you?

F*cking a Stranger in the Bar Bathroom may earn you an STD, but it also makes for a fabulous POEM!

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I have Genital Warts,

and, now, SO DO YOU!

Poor Aria!  Everytime she tries to get out from between Fitzy’s legs and begins to move on with her life, he pulls her back in.

“It’s my white, pasty stick legs!  They’re utterly irresisitible.”

Early in the episode, Aria is standing by her locker, trying to plan a first date with her new sort-of beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . .

Bushy’s brilliant idea?  Stay at home and watch movies on TV.  Seriously Romeo?  For a FIRST date?  How old exactly do you think Aria is, 85?  Just because she DATES geriatrics, doesn’t mean she IS one!  As the two continue on their BORING conversation, a book conveniently falls out of Aria’s locker.  And, lo and behold, there is a note from “A” attached to it . . .

“Someone named A wants you to read page 22,” offers Noel, excitedly.  “You should TOTALLY do it.  Why not?  Be SPONTANEOUS!”  (Coincidentally, Noel’s idea of spontaneity is wearing black socks, instead of his usual white.)

Aria opens the book, which I presume is a school literary magazine, of some sort, to page 22.  Turns out, there’s a poem on that page .  . .  written by, who else . . . Ezra Fitz.

The poem is called B26, which, if I recall, represents the song playing on the jukebox in the bar where Aria and Fitzy first met, and later screwed, in the bar bathroom.  Ahhh, memories!  Apparently, for Fitzy, those couple of minutes spent with his back up against a dirty mirror, cheap soap running down his pant leg, toilet paper on his shoe, banging the living daylights out of some jailbait, was the single most romantic moment of his ENTIRE LIFE!  This was why he wrote a poem about it, and chose to publish it in the High School Literary Journal so everyone under the age of 18 could enjoy reading about his raunchy sexcapades.

When Aria reads the poem, she is absolutely infuriated by the mixed signals Fitzy has been sending her.  She rushes to his classroom to confront him.

Aria reams Fitzy a new one for claiming not to want anything to do with her, and then drafting this porny love poem about her for the entire student body to read.  Fitzy has very little to say in response.  And when, Aria tells Fitzy, loudly and in no uncertain terms, that she is through with him, who walks in?  THIS GUY . . .

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  And while Mr. Excitement, didn’t seem at all suspicious as to why “A” was telling Aria to read her English teacher’s poem, he totally seems clued in to the situation now.  And he looks PISSED!  It looks like Aria’s phantom “Boyfriend from Iceland” just got a whole lot closer to home.  To make matters worse, based on the portion of the conversation Noel heard, it totally seemed like Fitzy was making unwelcome advances toward Aria.  Yep, Bushy Eyebrows is TOTALLY going to rat Fitzy out to the PoPo for being a Baby Lover . . .

Creepy Toby:  Here TODAY, Gone to the Slammer, TOMORROW. . .

The FBI may be combing the town in search of Toby Cavanaugh, but apparently, they haven’t been looking in Emily’s car, because THAT’S where he is!  I never quite understood why, in these “sneak into the person’s car and scare them” scenes, the guy or girl always seem to wait in the backseat.  Because if it were me, I would be TOTALLY crouched down on the driver’s side. Then when he got into the car, I would grab his legs, and see how high I could get him to jump.  A total missed opportunity if you ask me.

As it turns out, Creepy Toby is stalking Emily because he wants to tell her HIS side of the story, you know the one he never got to tell her at prom because he was too busy crashing into glass, and she was too busy, falling on her face and being knocked unconscious.

“Good times.”

Emily takes Toby to a small secluded wooded area (REAL SMART, there girl!  Because someone will SURELY hear you, if you scream THERE!).  Toby then explains that Ali misunderstood his relationship with Blind Jenna.  She saw the siblings BONING . . .

 . . . and automatically assumed Blind Jenna was being raped.  But according to Toby, these two are IN LOVE . . . and not a brotherly- sisterly love, either.

And, NO, in case you were wondering, the fact that these two AREN’T related by blood doesn’t help me feel better about this situation AT ALL!

In terms of Alison, Toby explains that he DID meet her in front of Spencer’s barnhouse the night she disappeared, but only to talk to her.  And he gave her his sweater, to warm her up when she was cold.  The last Toby saw Ali, according to him, was when she was getting into the car with “some old dude.”  Despite telling Emily all this, Toby inexplicably would like to speak with her more, and tells her where he will be for next few hours, until he goes out on the lam again.  And it is in this exact spot where the coppers pick him up and arrest him.

Now, as you know, I’ve never exactly been Creepy Toby’s biggest fan, but, based on what we’ve seen in this episode, I think we could all pretty safely assume that HE is neither “A” nor Ali’s killer.  Therefore, you’ve got to feel bad for a guy who may very well have been wrongly accused.  And for that reason, I offer this to YOU, Young Cavanaugh . . .

(Special thanks go out to Amy over at Imaginarymen for providing me with the inspiration for the FABULOUS tee!)

In Other News . . .

Emily’s dad returned home from Iraq, today . . .

But her mother mysteriously received an envelope containing Emily’s “tonguing Maya” photos .  . .

And the look on her face upon reviewing them was none too pleased . . .

“I attended Camp Mona, and all I got were these damn skidmarks on my face!”

“Well, heck.  At least I didn’t have to get BLOWN, like Aria and Emily!”

“Oh stuff it, Half-Dead Hanna!  You WISH your hair was big enough to warrant its own zip code!”

Over at Mona’s self-indulgent bore of a birthday party (16-years old and no boys allowed?   SERIOUSLY?)  . . .

I’m thinking that the girl-to-guy ratio at this party might be a bit more Emily’s speed, than Aria and Slightly Slutty Spencer’s

 . . . Spencer, Aria and Emily, begin receiving clues from “A” for their “scavenger hunt”.  Their first hunch leads them to where they found Ali’s bracelet a few episodes back.

A’s not there.  But a “Jenna” necklace is.  (OK, so what’s the deal here?   Does EVERYBODY get an ugly fabric bracelet with their name on it?  Do I get one?   Seriously, it’s like Ali bought stock in the Ugly Bracelet Company before she died . . .)

Next to the ugly “Jenna” bracelet is a note from “A” informing the girls that they are in the wrong place.  (Well, DUH, A’s not here, so it HAS to be the wrong place!)  Spencer, however, who is clearly a bit wiser than I am, recognizes the double-meaning inherent in the world “Wrong.”  She ultimately determines that “A” is hiding in a place called “Wright’s Playground.” There, Spencer finds a heart etched into a tree saying “Alison loves Ian.” 

Meanwhile, Aria gets a text from Fitzy, in which he says he needs to see her.  He conveniently parks somewhere near Wright’s Playground (hmmmmm . . .  interesting).  Once Aria gets in the car, Fitzy tells her that he always loved her, and was looking for a job elsewhere so that he and she could be TOGETHER without fear of repercussion, NOT to run away from her, as Aria had initially suspected. 

However, when Fitzy caught Aria flirting with Bushy Eyebrows, he thought the high school GUY might be more appropriate for a high school girl.  Aria chastizes Fitzy for not recognizing the strength of her feelings for him.  Then the two engage in an encore of their infamous “Car Makeout Scene” from a few episodes back.

In a truly creepy scene, we see a ghostly figure looming over the back of the car, as Aria and Fitzy go at it, oblivious to the SCARY THING behind them.  Fortunately, that “thing” is not out to kill them, it is just out to leave a cute little love note on Fitzy’s car.   “I SEE YOU,” the oh, so, mature “A” writes on the back of the car, using the condensation from the window as her (or his) canvas.  Though genuinely frightening, the whole thing was also a bit cliche, and reminded me a bit too much of that very special scene from the film I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, where the killer took the same tired approach to scare its victims, as “A” did . . .

By this time, Hanna has successfully crashed the party . . .

She quickly locates Wright’s Playground, and hangs out nearby, waiting for something to happen.   Something DOES!  Hanna takes out her binoculars, and spies Aria and Fitzy making out inside the car.  Then she sees SOMETHING ELSE, and that SOMETHING ELSE may be the key in figuring out who A is.  It IS definitely the key for Hanna, who immediately texts Spencer that she knows “who A is.”  But, as Hanna is walking toward the girls, to spread the news, she is HIT BY A CAR, AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS!  She even stops BREATHING!

And where was Fitzy when all this was going down, you ask?

Who knows?  Perhaps, he was writing poetry about girls who get hit by cars, and the boys who love them .  . .

Sigh!  Poor Lucas!

The rest of the Pretty Little Liars instantly gather around Hanna, screaming, crying, and calling for an ambulance.  It was admittedly a highly emotional scene.  I was very moved.

As the credits roll, we are treated to the final portion of Ali’s Child Porn Star video, the portion which its author had apparently excised from the  copy he or she had sent it to the FBI.  At the end of the video, Ali turns the camera around to face her boyfriend who is doing the videotaping, and that boyfriend is THIS GUY . . .

And, here, you thought I was kidding about the whole “pedophile” thing .  . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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