Tag Archives: Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Happiness is a Warm Chair – Looking Back at the Top Ten Chuck and Blair Moments from Season 5, Part 1

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  So far, this season of Gossip Girl has been quite the bittersweet one for us Chair fans.  On the sweet side, we have Chuck and Blair displaying just as much love, adoration, and passion for one another, as they always have.  Each time they were together on screen was more electric than the one before.

Even when Chuck and Blair were apart from one another, it was clear that they were never far from one another’s minds.  Donut Dan Humphrey, perhaps, said it best, when he said of the pair, “You two have some strange force field effect on eachother.  Physicists should study it.”

All of the amazing things Chuck did this season . . . from adopting Monkey, to becoming active in local charities,  to sacrificing his own happiness for Blair’s . . . Donut Dan’s . . . and even that cyborg asshat, Louis-bot’s . . . he did them out of love for, and in honor of, one very special Queen B.

As for Blair, her continued doubts about her relationship with Louis, and whether the so-called fairytale ending she had finally earned was all it was cracked up to be, all seemed to lead her back to Chuck Bass.    It was his face, she sought out, at the end of nearly every episode.  It was his voice she needed to hear on the phone.  It was his hand, she wanted to caress her face, when all hope seemed lost . . .

What’s amazing about seeing Chuck and Blair together in Season 5, is how much they both have grown, both as individuals, and as a couple, since Gossip Girl premiered, back in 2007.  Both have had their hearts broken, more times than they can count.  Their experiences have made them somewhat less impulsive than they used to be, and less willing to give their hearts to others, out of fear that their love won’t be returned.

But these same experiences have also made them kinder, gentler, more selfless people.  Chuck and Blair started the series as headstrong, manipulative, somewhat selfish individuals.  Now, they are adults, who are ready to enter into a mature, honest, and intimate relationship with one another, and maybe even start a family together.

It sounds pretty perfect, right?  But, alas, all was not well in Chair-land this season.  First of all, we were saddled with that marble-mouthed, personality-free cyborg, Louis-bot . . . the only character capable of uniting Chair and Dair fans in mutual hatred.

He ate up precious Chair screen time with his inexplicable verbiage, lame schemes, and ridiculous 8:54 apologies for whatever odious thing he did to Blair that week.

Due to his presence, and the existence of his evil spawn inside Blair’s belly, Chuck and Blair were frustratingly tentative, throughout most of the season, about sharing their true feelings for one another.

And when Chuck and Blair finally did receive their much awaited, and deserved happy reunion, it was ripped away by a nearly fatal car crash.  Thus proving that these two long-time lovers are just as starcrossed, as they always have been.

I guess some things never change . . .

But the holidays are not a time for regrets, complaints, or petty accusations.   They are time for spreading happiness, limo sex and for giving and receiving love and bar-mitzvah sex.

And in that spirit, I proudly present to you, my dear Chair fans, my picks of the Top Ten Chuck and Blair Moments from Season 5, so far  . . .

10. “I wanted to move on, to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

Blair’s realization that Chuck has returned the engagement ring he once bought for her, causes our Queen B to have some shocking and disheartening revelations about herself, and her relationship with Chuck . . .

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Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “Dr. Kirby thought you were upset I returned the ring.”

BLAIR: “He has too many PhD’s.  They cancel each other out and make him a moron.”

CHUCK: “I returned it because you asked me to let you go . . . I wanted to move on to give you the happy life you deserve.”

BLAIR: “All this time, I’ve blamed you for pulling me into the dark.  But I was wrong.  It was me who brought out your dark side.  And now that I’m with Louis, I’ve done the same to him.  I’m sorry.”

Why it made the list:

It is quite fitting that Blair begins this scene tasting cakes, as pastries have always played a major role in Chuck’s and Blair’s sex life . . .

Blair claims that she can’t enjoy her cakes because Louis-bot has lost his sweetness. How do you lose something you never had?  However, I can’t help but wonder whether it is her fear that she has lost Chuck’s love for good that is messing with her appetite.  After all, he always did like to eat her pies!

It’s interesting how Blair initially tries to deflect the seriousness of the conversation through casual banter, and witty insults.  Conversation avoidance is typically Chuck’s forte.  But, in this instance, it is Chuck who demands a serious conversation between Blair and him.  He knows that Blair was hurt by his confession that he returned her ring, and feels more than a bit guilty about causing her pain.  But I also think a part of him is a teensy bit hopeful.  Deep down, Chuck likely recognizes that the reason Blair got so upset over the fact that Chuck returned the ring is that she is not over him.

I’m awed by Chuck’s maturity throughout this scene, and how honest he is with Blair about his feelings.  Chuck has no desire to manipulate Blair’s feelings for him, as he has done in the past.  He only wants her to be happy, even if that secretly makes him miserable.  Chuck knows that no matter how many rings he leaves on the doorstep of Harry Winston to get stolen by homeless people he will always love Blair, more than life itself.

But, at this point, Chuck believes that Blair can only be happy with Louis.  And so, he says what he needs to say, to ensure that happiness.  It’s the type of blatant self-sacrifice we will see from Chuck, again and again this season . . .

But Blair misconstrues Chuck’s words terribly, interpreting them in a way Chuck never imagined that she would.  She begins to blame herself for Chuck’s and Louis-bot’s foibles.  And the anguish on her face, is mirrored by Chuck, the moment he realizes he has unwittingly caused her to feel this way.  It’s a sad scene . . . one that represents just how star-crossed Chuck and Blair truly are.  But it also illustrates their unbreakable bond, and how invested these two individuals are in eachother’s feelings and emotions.

9. Those pesky match-making squirrels . . .

Episode: “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan” – 5 x 4

Setting the Scene:

Reunited for the first time, since Blair announced that she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn, Chuck and Blair undoubtedly worry that things might be awkward between them.  So, Chuck’s best friend, Monkey, plots with a few Chair-shipping squirrels to help break the ice . . .

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Potent Quotables:

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BLAIR: “Since when do you bite your tongue?”

CHUCK: “I’m learning.”

BLAIR: “Isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen?”

CHUCK: “Isn’t that usually your role?”

BLAIR: “I prefer drama princess now.”

CHUCK:  “How are you, by the way?”

BLAIR:  “I’m OK.  Thanks for asking.”

CHUCK: “I’m sorry .  .  . squirrels.  Should we?”

Why it made the list:

With all the heartache and angsty moments these two have endured over the years,  it’s nice, every once in a while,  to see a light-hearted, dare I say, cute moment between them.  I remember watching the pregnancy reveal in 5 X 3, and wondering how Chuck and Blair would react to one another, when they saw eachother again.  Would they be cold?  Awkward?  Distant?

It was refreshing to see Chuck and Blair be so completely at ease with one another, despite the obvious subtext between them.  And I applauded the pair for being able to make, what could have been a terribly uncomfortable moment, oddly normal, filled as it was with easy jokes, friendly familiarity, witty familiarity, and, of course, mild flirting.  Already, Blair is starting to notice that Chuck has matured, in his staunch refusal to reveal Dan’s secret.  She’s clearly impressed with him  . . .

And yet, once again, as in the prior scene, it’s Chuck that brings the conversation to a deeper level.  He places an affectionate hand on Blair’s arm, as he asks her how she’s doing, with a look in his eyes that is a mixture of concerned and loving.  The pregnant and subconsciously maternal Blair, gently moves her hands toward her stomach,  before she replies, a subtle implication that she knows exactly to what he’s referring.

When Blair thanks Chuck for asking, on the surface, it’s a banal response, one that anyone would make, if someone asked them how they were doing.  But the look Blair gives Chuck when she says it, shows that she is expressing gratitude, not just for Chuck’s words, but that he has the courage to resume their relationship, and continue to support her, even though she is carrying another man’s child.  We’ll see that gratitude expressed again, in a more significant way, later on in the season.

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Everyone’s favorite guest star, Monkey, has been a secret Chair fan, ever since he comforted Chuck,  after his fateful encounter with Blair at the end of episode 3.  So, it is no surprise that the canine Bass is a little schemer, just like his owner.  It’s certainly no accident that he went after those squirrels, in such a way that Chuck would have to pull Blair close to him, in order to hold on to the leash, and keep his pregnant lover from falling on the concrete.

Thanks to Monkey, Chuck literally sweeps Blair off her feet, in such a way that the two are both smiling, blushing, and eye-goggling eachother, long after Monkey has been set back on the straight and narrow.  Chuck Bass is always so cool, calm, and collected.  This is why some of my favorite Chair scenes arise when Chuck seems to lose his composure.  The shy, and goofy way a red-faced Chuck mumbled a shy apology over the squirrels, warmed my heart,  because it shows just how smitten he still is with Blair, even after all these years.

Blair may have wanted Chuck to murder those butterflies in his stomach,  back in Season 1.  But here we are, four seasons later.  And they are clearly alive and well . . .

8. Blair and Chuck attend couple’s therapy

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

In complete denial of the obvious-to-everyone-else-but-her fact that the reason her relationship with Louis-bot is failing so miserably, is that she is head-over-heels in love with Chuck, Blair tags along on one of Chuck’s therapy sessions.   While there, she hopes to unlock the mystery of why Chuck is so awesome, and Louis-bot is so awful . . .

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Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I was a teenage bulimic and my father came out when I was fifteen.  This isn’t my first analysis.”

SHRINK: “Are you saying that you want your fiancé to be more like Chuck?”

BLAIR: “No!  More like the man Chuck’s become.  Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.”

SHRINK: “If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem confused.”

And later .  . .

CHUCK: “But I did let go of you, Blair . . . if you don’t believe me, call on Harry Winston.  The night of The Spectator launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on the doorstep and walked away.”

Why it made the list:

At first, this scene seems as though it’s going to be played mainly for laughs.  Chuck, clearly aware of how patently ridiculous it is that his non-girlfriend has decided to attend therapy with him, teases and taunts Blair, by using most of his therapy time to wax poetic about Monkey’s self-pleasuring tendencies.  (Any hope of Monkey getting a love interest, next season, Josh Schwartz?)  And yet something tells me Chuck’s real therapy sessions are much more juicy, and decidedly Blair-centric.

From Chuck’s perspective, it’s interesting that he refrains for as long as possible from telling Blair about returning her ring, presumably because he knows it will hurt her feelings.  And yet, when he is finally goaded into revealing this pertinent information, he seems both surprised and cowed, by how much his confession affected her.  It’s almost as if, a part of Chuck believed that Blair wouldn’t care at all about the ring, because he doesn’t yet consider himself worthy of her love.

As for Blair, she never expected that Chuck’s transformation had anything to do with letting go of her.  And the mistaken realization that Chuck might truly be over her, devastates her in a way that she never expected.  Leighton Meester is spectacular in this scene.  Her body stiffens in shock, as her eyes well up with tears.  It’s almost as if she’s experienced the death of a loved one.  But what she’s really experiencing is what she believes to be the death of love.

Blair tries to act casual about this discovery, when she excuses herself.   But the way her voice cracks, as she escapes the room, says everything about what’s going on in her head and heart.  She’s not fooling anybody, least of all, herself . . .

7. “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

Hiding away in Brooklyn, so that those nosy paparazzi won’t realize that her pregnant fingers are now too fat for her wedding ring, Blair struggles over why she can’t commit to her robot fiance.  Seeking closure or perhaps an opportunity to escape this sham of a marriage, Blair calls the one man, who can help her get in touch with her true emotions: Chuck Bass . . .

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Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I need your advice.  It seems as you’ve found your way, I’ve lost mine.”

CHUCK: “I didn’t think Blair Waldorf could get lost.”

BLAIR: “Neither did I, but I’m so lost I wound up in Brooklyn.”

CHUCK: “There are worse places.  This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”

BLAIR:  “No . . . only you .  . . Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

CHUCK: “Why are you asking me this?”

BLAIR: “I’m paralyzed.  I can’t move.   I can’t breathe.  You have to help me.”

CHUCK: “I can’t make this decision for you, Blair.  You’re the one who has to live with it.”

BLAIR: “But, what’s the right choice, Chuck?”

CHUCK: “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child.  Right?”

Why it made the list:

What’s interesting about this scene, is that it takes place entirely over the telephone.  So much of Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship is conveyed through their body language, and facial expressions.  When they are face-to-face with one another, knowing what is truly in eachother’s hearts comes easily to Chuck and Blair.  It is second nature to them.

But while on the phone, Chuck and Blair cannot look in eachother’s eyes when they speak.  They can’t touch one another.  They can’t see how eachother or standing, or read the tears in eachother’s eyes, or the devastation in eachother’s posture.  And this causes them to have a miscommunication of tragically epic proportions.

However, as viewers, we get to see Chuck and Blair, as they engage in this conversation.  And this gives us the unique opportunity to read the subtext of their words, which they, themselves, cannot see.  For example, Blair’s voice, when she asks Chuck for help, and jokes about being in Brooklyn, is deceptively subtle, and lighthearted, though we know, from the way she is seated on the couch, that it is taking all her will, not to break down.

Chuck responds in an equally light-hearted fashion.  But the sad look in his eyes, when he speaks  shows fans how hard it is for him to carry on a casual conversation with someone he loves more than life itself, and yet knows he cannot have. When Blair asks Chuck if he could love another man’s child, we see how nervous she is . . . and how tentative.  This is incredibly hard for her.  We know what she wants Chuck’s answer to be, even if she’s not ready to admit that to herself.

As for Chuck, on one hand, his heart swells from hearing this question.  It is the one Chuck has secretly wanted Blair to ask him, ever since she told him she was pregnant back in Episode 3.  On the other hand, a part of him feels as though fate is playing a trick on him, as though it is too good to be true.  “Why are you asking me this?” He asks,  with just a hint of nervous accusation in his voice.

This is when Blair breaks, she admits to being paralyzed, and torn up by fear and indecision.  She needs Chuck to give her the permission to leave her marriage, and save her from herself.  Now, Chuck can clearly hear the anguish in Blair’s voice, and it hurts his heart.  It takes all his will not to hang up the phone, rush over to Brooklyn, take her in his arms, and never let go.  And, perhaps, if Chuck could look Blair in the eyes, and see his love mirrored back in her, that’s exactly what he would have done.

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But he doesn’t see her.  And a voice in his head is nagging him to keep his feelings to himself.  He doesn’t know yet, how much Blair still loves him.  He worries that she will resent him, if he takes her away from the father of her child.  So, he says what he thinks is the “right” thing to say .  . .  He gives her up.  Even though he has to bite his quivering lip, when he finishes speaking to keep from breaking down.

Now, Chuck and Blair are both more lost than before.  But, fortunately, not for long . . .

6. Blair tells Chuck she’s pregnant / helps him to feel again

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Episode: “The Jewel of Denial”  – 5 x 3

Setting the Scene:  

After sacrificing his own happiness, so Blair could marry Louis-bot, Chuck escaped to Los Angeles, hoping to lose himself in booze and beautiful women.  But the old tricks, don’t seem to work for Chuck now, as he finds himself shockingly devoid of the ability to experience any sort of human emotion.  He reacts by throwing himself into increasingly dangerous situations, hoping that the physical pain he suffers will somehow translate into an emotional  one.  But Chuck isn’t experiencing physical pain, either.

Chuck’s new bestie, Humpty Humphrey, has spent the entire episode, trying to get him to feel something.  However, in the end, only Blair Waldorf holds the key that unlocks Chuck’s heart . . .

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Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I need to talk to you.”

CHUCK: “I thought we said everything we needed to say, last time we saw each other.”

BLAIR: “Chuck . . .”

CHUCK: “Is this another misguided attempt by Dan to get me to feel something?”

BLAIR: “I’m pregnant.  It’s Louis’.  I didn’t want you to find out from someone else, and wonder if the baby was yours.”

CHUCK: “That’s very considerate.”

BLAIR: “Yes . . . well . . . if I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.”

CHUCK: “You must have been very relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring.  It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.”

BLAIR: “This fairytale is complicated.”

CHUCK: “Blair, meet my dog, Monkey.”

BLAIR: “I saw Gossip Girl. I thought you got rid of him.”

CHUCK: “I just sent him to get fixed.  I thought it was the responsible thing to do.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “There is a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”

Why it made the list:

In the telephone scene, Chuck and Blair spoke volumes to one another.  But they could see one another, and, therefore, missed the painful emotions behind the words.  Conversely, in this scene, up until the very end, Chuck and Blair actually say very little to one another.  The conversation is polite, cordial, and even a bit cold.  If a conversation like this was done over the phone, it could have singlehandedly wrecked Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship.  But because Chuck and Blair can see one another, and know what eachother are feeling, during the conversation, it actually strengthens the bond between them.

When this scene first aired, it was the first time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick had shared the screen together, since the season 4 finale.  Chair fans waited with baited breath for the couple to reunite, over the long summer hiatus, and through the first two epsiodes of the season.  It made their actual reunion that much more epic, emotionally-charged, and meaningful than it perhaps would be, otherwise.

When Chuck first lays eyes on Blair,  his eyes widen, as if he doesn’t quite believe she’s really there.  Though they’ve spent months apart, it is quite clear, in that first moment that Chuck’s and Blair’s love for one another hasn’t diminished.  “I thought we said everything we needed to say the last time we saw eachother,” Chuck says, coldly.

He’s protecting his heart.  He doesn’t want Blair to hurt him again.  Blair’s utterance of his name in response, is a plea, that he take down his walls, and open his heart, so that he can really hear what she has to say.  It melts him a bit.  But his guard is still up.  He still thinks her presence in his apartment is too good to be true.  He thinks it’s a ploy or a trick of some sort.

But that all changes, when Blair admits tearfully that she’s pregnant, and that the baby is not his.  He’s clearly heartbroken, as is she.  They know how one another are feeling.  And yet, they still exchange cold pleasantries, maintaining the falsehood that Blair still wants her fantasy life with Louis-bot, and Chuck still wants to live life as a perpetual bachelor.

Once again, this conversation is in danger of ending very badly for Chair.  But in comes Number One Chair fan, Monkey, at just the right moment.  His presence makes Blair realize how much Chuck has changed, and it softens both of their hearts.  Because, really, who could be angry, in the presence of an adorable dog.  I think it’s the presence of Monkey, that enables Blair to make the heartfelt admission that ensures the future of Chair, “There’s a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”

Clearly, Chuck feels the same way.  You can see it in his eyes.  But he says nothing.  Instead, he bids Blair a polite goodbye,  and waits for her to depart, so that he can finally breakdown.  Blair’s confession has awakened Chuck’s ability to experience pain and emotion.  She’s saved his soul, and broken his heart, in a single moment.  Fortunately, Monkey is there to pick up the pieces . . .

5. “You are the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

Having learned that Chuck’s shocking transformation took place, only after he committed to giving her up for the greater good, Blair has come to the devastating conclusion that she brings out the evil in the men that she dates.  Knowing this to be patently false, and unable to allow the woman he loves to be so down on herself, Chuck goes to Blair’s bedroom to comfort her . . . .

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Potent Quotables:

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CHUCK: “You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.”

BLAIR: “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.  But I have my answer.”

CHUCK: “You were the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”

BLAIR: “Then, why did it take letting me go to find this whole new side of yourself?”

CHUCK: “I only turned dark and desperate, because I was afraid of losing you.  You’re love kept me alive.”

BLAIR:  “But you survived without me.”

CHUCK: “The worst thing happened, and I didn’t die.  But I had to find a way to move on with my life.  I only want you to be happy.  I’m just sorry it couldn’t be with me.”

And later . . .

CHUCK: “I’m not the groom.”

Why it made the list:

Many times throughout the series,  we’ve seen Blair comfort Chuck, when he needed a hug, a kind word, and a gentle self esteem boost.  And though Chuck clearly cares for Blair deeply, and can can be turned into puddy at the sight of her tears, it’s rare that we see him comfort her.  It’s not that Chuck isn’t sensitive to Blair needs, or that he doesn’t want to make her feel better, I think he just worries that he doesn’t have the right words to do it.  Perhaps, that will change, now that the New and Improved Chuck has come to the Upper East Side . . .

It was heartwarming to see Chuck helping Blair through her devastation, by not letting her go on believing that she was to blame for his darkness or Louis’.  In this instance, he knew exactly what to say to cure Blair of her misconception.  And the best part about it, was that it was all true.  Chuck is a much better person, for having known and loved Blair.  She believed in him, supported him, and helped him to become the man he is today.  And if Louis-bot wasn’t such an asshat, she’d probably make him a better person too.

It’s not at all surprising that a guest in the home, walking into the situation would assume that Chuck was the groom-to-be.  Chuck’s and Blair’s romantic connection to one another is apparent even to strangers.  That said, Chuck’s utter dejection when he informed the baker that he wasn’t the groom broke my heart . . .

4. Chuck and Blair play dress-up, and  things get RED HOT.

Episode: “The Big Sleep No More”  – 5 x 7

Setting the Scene:

Blair just can’t seem to get Chuck’s hot body epic apology out of her mind.  Unable to accept the fact that she’s obviously still in love with him, Blair tries to convince herself that Chuck is only pretending to be a better man, so that she will doubt her dull relationship with the Robot Prince.  It’s working!  Desperate for answers, Blair crashes Chuck’s Sleep No More charity event, and attempts to seduce him.  By doing so, she hopes to prove, once and for all, that Chuck Bass is the same sexpot he’s always been.  But the problem with seduction is that it is often a two-way street, which begs the question, “Who’s seducing who?”

Video:

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “Of course, you knew it was me.  Was it my perfume?”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “It looks like we’re stuck . . . together . . . alone . . . amongst the masked and anonymous.  Do you remember when we used to play dress-up?”

CHUCK: “How could I forget?  Though, I didn’t think this was your kind of entertainment anymore.”

BLAIR: “At least I know I’m safe, locked in here with the New Chuck Bass, who has none of his old urges.  I have to admit, I had a hard time believing you, at first.  But now I see . . . the therapy, the apology . . . you really have changed.  As warm as it’s getting in here, I can sweep the hair from the nape of my neck, without setting you off.   It’s such a relief to be able to let my guard down.  Oh look!  They even have Red Hots.  You never could resist.  Do you want one?

CHUCK: “No . . . thank you.”

BLAIR: “No one is looking.  Even the new Chuck Bass must have some of his darkest desires.  Just a taste.”

(They kiss.)

BLAIR: (slaps Chuck) “I knew you were still the same Chuck.  You thought by one fake apology, and a few charitable acts, you could get me to question, all the reasons I’m with Louis.  But I was right.  You are incapable of change.”

CHUCK: “It seems you know me too well.”

BLAIR: “And now, thanks to you, I am more certain than ever, that I chose the right man.  Goodbye.”

CHUCK: “Goodbye, Blair.”

Why it made the list:

I suspect some readers might be surprised at how high up on the list this scene appears.  After all, one could argue that everything that happens here is an act.  Blair is seducing Chuck, because she wants to prove that he is still the Bad Bass she knows and loves.  She thinks this will make her feel comfortable entering into her boring relationship with that Gibberish Speaking Cyborg.  And, though we don’t know it, at the time the scene first airs, Chuck is playing a part as well.  He’s pretending to be seduced by Blair, as a favor to Dorota, who claims it will help Blair find happiness with Louis-bot.

On the other hand, how much of this scene really was acting, and how much was real?  It’s fun to try and guess.  After all, this certainly isn’t the first time Chuck and Blair have used their sexual powers of manipulation on one another.  (Remember the “I love you” wars, of Season 2?)

Sexual chemistry simply can’t be faked.  And Chuck and Blair have it in spades, in this scene.  Chuck certainly seems hot and bothered by Blair, as she dances around him, rubbing her neck, filling his nose with her scent, and taunting him with red hots.  His breathing is labored when he speaks to her, and his voice is decidedly husky.  As for Blair, there’s something about the way she stares at Chuck’s mouth that seems to suggest that the seduction act is working it’s magic on her, just as much as it’s working on him.

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And the kiss, it seems to take Blair by surprise, even though she’s been working toward it all this time.  It’s long.  It’s passionate.  It’s red hot.  And both Chuck and Blair find themselves carried away by it’s intensity, until it becomes all-too-apparent that neither of them are acting, anymore.

Even the slap that follows, and the heated argument that occurs between the pair,  seems charged with sexual energy.  Watch their body language in the scene . . . the way their faces are flushed, the way their eyes dilate, when they speak to one another.  After Blair storms, off, Chuck seems a bit lightheaded, like someone waking up from a trance.  He’s not entirely sure what just transpired, but he knows he kind of liked it . . .

Then you remember that Chuck did all this to ensure Blair’s happiness with another man, and it makes you fall in love with him all over again . . .

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3. Chuck apologizes to Blair for  . . . well . . . EVERYTHING.

Episode: “I am Number Nine” – 5 x 6

Setting the Scene:

While on his Path to Redemption, Chuck decides to apologize to Blair and Chair fans for some of the less-than-loveable things he’s done to her, during the course of their roller coaster relationship . . .

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Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.

BLAIR: “What are you here to apologize for?”

CHUCK: “Everything else.  I’m sorry for losing my temper the night you told me that Louis proposed to you.   I’m sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building.  I’m sorry for treating you like property.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you, when I knew I did.  Most of all, I’m sorry that I gave up on us, when you never did.”

BLAIR: “Thank you.  I hope never giving up on people isn’t going to be my downfall.”

CHUCK: “It’s why you are going to be an amazing mother.  You are always there for the people who you love, even when they don’t deserve it.”

BLAIR: “You know, that’s never going to change.”

CHUCK: “It’s OK, if it has to.  Starting tonight, I’m going to take care of myself.”

Why it made the list:

This scene was not just a love letter from Chuck to Blair.  It was also a love letter from the GG writers to Chair fans.  On the surface, this was simply Chuck showing Blair just how much he had changed and grown up, over the years.  By admitting, and coming to terms with all the ways in which he has hurt Blair, throughout their relationship, Chuck is saying to the woman he loved, “I am going to change for you.  I am willing to accept responsibility for what I have done wrong.  And I am ready to become a man, who is worthy of your love, even if you cannot bring yourself to love me in return.”

But peel back the layers, and you can also hear the writers saying to you: “Thank you for sticking by this ship, through thick and thin, even when other fans called you crazy for doing so.  We know this couple has accumulated a lot of heavy baggage, over the years.  And we aren’t going to insult your intelligence, by sweeping it under the carpet, and pretending that none of it ever happened.  Instead, we are going to have Chuck own up to his wrongs, and try to make amends for them, not just by his words, but also through his actions.  In short, we are going to reward you, Chair fans.  Because, just like Blair, you don’t give up on the things and people you love.”

With the apologies out of the way, Chuck and Blair actually get to share a really sweet moment, where Chuck illustrates his admiration for Blair’s unflinching ability to stick by people she cares deeply about, even when they disappoint her.  Like Chuck, we know that this will not be Blair’s downfall, but will ultimately be her salvation.  It will keep her strong during the tough road ahead.  And the fact that Chuck told Blair that she would be a great mother, at the very moment, when she needed to hear it most . . . well, if that doesn’t warm you’re heart, you’re a soulless vampire . . .

.  . . or, possibly an evil cyborg.

2. Chuck’s and Blair’s Tragic Limo Town Car Reunion

Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

In this epic mid-season finale episode, Chuck and Blair have finally come clean to one another about their feelings for eachother.  Now, along with Blair’s unborn child, they are finally ready for their much-deserved Happily Ever After.  Unfortunately, those pernicious paparazzi have other ideas . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

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BLAIR: “I have to tell Louis, face-to-face that the wedding is off.  He deserves at least that.”

CHUCK: “Are you sure you want to do this?  I mean . . . a prince . . . a fairytale wedding.  This is all you ever wanted.”

BLAIR: “No!  You’re all I ever wanted.  I love you.  I love every part of you.  I couldn’t tell Louis that he would never lose me, because it wasn’t true.  You’re the one I never want to leave.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “We can go anywhere.  Switzerland has impeccable schools, or maybe Tokyo.   They have opening ceremony, and great test scores.”

CHUCK: “Blair, we don’t need to go anywhere.  We can raise this baby right here.”

Why it made the list:

I have such mixed emotions about this scene.  On one hand, never have I seen such a joyous reunion between two people, as the one between Chuck and Blair.  I mean, seriously, Chair fans.  When have you ever seen Chuck so adorably giddy?

He’s like a little child, practically bursting out of his seat with happiness.  His face is flushed.  He’s breathing heavy.  He’s babbling.  His eyes are wide with excitement.  He keeps touching Blair’s face, as if he can’t quite believe she’s real.  We’ve waited five seasons to see Chuck like this.  And it’s hard not to smile, watching him, even though we all know tragedy is about to strike.

As for Blair, it’s heartening to hear her finally verbalize her feelings for Chuck . . . the one’s we always knew she felt,  but could never quite bring herself to say.  Up until this point, this season, it’s been Chuck always making the heartfelt speeches, the epic apologies, the eloquent declarations of love.  Now it’s Blair telling Chuck she never wants to leave him, planning for their future, talking about starting their family.

In an alternate universe, Chuck and Blair didn’t trade taxi’s with Nate that night.  They avoided the paparazzi, arrived back in the Upper East Side, safe and sound, made sweet love in Blair’s bed, and woke up early the next morning to shop for baby furniture.  But it our universe, Blair finally noticed the paparazzi stalking her car.  And in that moment, the fantasy was shattered.

What’s in store for Chuck and Blair now, remains to be seen . . . But no matter what happens, we can always look back at this moment, and remember them as a young couple, deeply in love, and overjoyed at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . . The Number One Chuck and Blair Moment from Season 5, so far is . . . (drumroll please) . . .

1. “I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”

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Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

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After their devastating telephone conversation, during which Chuck could not bring himself to tell Blair to ditch that bastard, Louis-bot, for his sexy self, Blair is completely inconsolate, fearing that she will never be happy again.  But Matchmaker Dan has other plans for his friend and the unrequited object of his affection.  And those plans involve the one man with the power to give Blair the happiness she deserves . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “Dan arranged it for us.”

BLAIR: “What us?”

CHUCK: “The ‘us’ I should have fought for, when you called.  The ‘us’ that is not just you and me, but you, me, and your baby.”

BLAIR: “Then, why did you tell me to choose Louis?”

CHUCK: “I thought it was selfish, if I was the one to tell you to break up your family.”

BLAIR: “That was the moment you chose  not to be selfish?”

CHUCK: “Timing has never been our strong suit.  I had it all wrong.  Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him.  You should be with me.”

BLAIR: “Why?”

CHUCK: “Because I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

CHUCK: “Wait .  . . I want to come with you.”

Why it made the list:

This scene truly embodies Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship.  It’s as if everything we’ve endured with this couple, over the past five seasons — all the breakups, and makeups, the accusations, and the insinuations, the beautiful speeches, and the smoking hot sexual encounters — has culminated in this single moment.  Finally, Chuck is ready to fight for Blair, as he promised he would, during his apology to her in “I Am Number Nine.”  Finally, he is saying the things he’s known in his heart, since he fell in love with her, back in high school . . . the things he’s always wanted to say, but never had the courage to do so.

After all his soul searching, Chuck finally feels worthy, not just of Blair, but of Blair’s child, which he will love as if its his own, because it’s part of the woman he loves more than anything in the world.  It’s a more honest, mature, and heartfelt, Chuck, then we’ve ever seen before.  And it’s this Chuck that takes Blair’s breath away, by saying things to her, that she’s never admitted to herself, that she’s always wanted to hear.

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She moves in closer to him, clutching her unborn child, and, in that moment, they cease to be indviduals, and become a unit . . . a family.  The fact that Chuck doesn’t want to leave Blair’s side, even though he knows this might make them a more likely target for the paparazzi, is both romantic, and symbolic of this union.  Chuck spent so much of these past two seasons apart from Blair.  And he doesn’t want to be separated from her, for another minute.

If only the episode ended here, we could sleep better at night, knowing, for certain, that Chuck, Blair, and Blair’s baby lived happily ever after.  And though that wasn’t in the cards for our favorite Upper East Side Couple, the fact that a perfect scene like this exists, reminds us Chair fans, that Chuck and Blair are meant to be.  They’ve endured hardships, heartbreak, evil cyborgs, bland prostitutes, and so much worse, but it never shook the solid, unbreakable foundation of their love for one another.  And that gives us hope for, and certainty in their future . . . together.

You know you love them!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

It’s Lonely on the Inside – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan”

[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY!  I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions.  Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon.  Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time)  There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]

“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”

I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote.  (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.)  Here goes . . . I’m a novelist . . . definitely not a famous one, and, possibly, not even a particularly good one.  But, still I (self) published two novels.

And when I did, everyone who knew I published them, inevitably wanted to know if any of the characters in either of the books was based on them.

This is despite the fact that one of my books was about warlocks, and the other one was about a vampire.  (Not exactly memoirs.)  Once the people in my life found out that the books were NOT about them, their next inevitable SUGGESTION was that I write the NEXT one about them.  To this I would always respond some variation of “HELL NO!”  And this episode of Gossip Girl is precisely why . . .

“This book is like the perfect second child I never had . . . We’re just going to pretend Jenny doesn’t exist, OK?”

Good stories require deeply flawed characters . . . the more flawed the better.  No one wants to read a book filled with Mary Sues.  As a result, writing a GOOD book about your friends is the quickest way to lose them.  It’s as simple as that.  (Besides, all my friends are absolutely perfect, and have no flaws, whatsoever. ;))

It’s TRUE! 

Additionally, from personal experience, I can tell you that most books written by a first time novelist take anywhere from seven months to a year to write, sometimes longer.  I only say this because, despite the fact that Dan the Donut might have claimed that he never planned for anyone to read his book, NO ONE works on something for close to a year, just so they can keep it to themselves .  . . Just sayin  . .  .

“Money?  Fame? GIVE ME MORE, NOW!  EWWWW GROSS!” 

But enough about me.  Let’s talk about “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan.”

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Upper East Siders

We open up the episode with what I believe is the first of many “flashbacks” to scenes from Dan’s book.  The scene features Dan, er, I mean “Dylan,” walking through a sea of old fogey well wishers at his book party, without a friend in sight.

“All by mysellllf (surrounded by old people) . . . don’t wanna be, all by myself (surrounded by old people), anymoreeeeeeee.” 

The REAL Dan wakes from his reverie to hear his new publisher’s assistant babbling on about his upcoming book party, during which he will be revealed as the anonymous author of “Inside.”

“Would you just shut up about my book, for a second, so that I can show you my awesome Elvis impersonation?  Thank you . . . thank you very much.” 

Hmmm . . . so let me get this straight . . . at the end of “Inside” the Dan character publishes a book similar to “Inside,” which is actually similar to the Gossip Girl books, on which the Gossip Girl show is based?

Excuse me, I think my head just popped off trying to wrap my brain around all this . . .

Don’t worry . . . I’ll put it back on . . .

Dan continues to assure the publisher’s assistant that the Dylan character in the book is NOT actually him.  And yet he’s frightened to tell all his friends about the book, because the Dylan character’s friends in the book are almost exactly like THEM, with some key changes.  You know, as the apparent “voice of his generation,” Donut Dan sure isn’t particularly creative, now, is he?  If he REALLY didn’t want his friends and family to know this was a memoir, he might have tried . . . I don’t know . . . being a bit more inventive about his character’s names . . .

“Coming up with character names is HARD.” 

Here are the characters’ in Dan’s book:

Dan Humphrey = Dylan Hunter

Blair Waldorf = Claire Carlyle

Serena VanDerWoodsen = Sabrina VonSomething

Nate Archibald = Derek VonSomething (more on that later)

Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout

No . . . actually . . . you’re Charlie Trout.  Didn’t you read the book? 

For one thing, it would make the inevitable defamation lawsuits a lot easier to defend against . . .

Dan finally relents, and asks for six copies of his book, so that he can deliver them personally to his so-called friends, only some of whom actually know how to read . . .

DOH!

Elsewhere in town, Blair is complaining about her ever-growing pregnancy boobs . . .

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And I have to say, whatever the makeup and wardrobe department are doing with Leighton Meester to make her look pregnant (whether it’s the oddly flat hair, or the tired eyes, or the slightly paler skin, or the not entirely flattering dresses ), it’s WORKING. 🙂  (Don’t worry, Blair!  We still think your gorgeous.  If you weren’t, every single solitary male character on this show wouldn’t be madly in love with you.)

“Yes,  I know.  I’m awesome.” 

Where was I?  Oh yes . . . Blair’s boobs . . . Cue Louis-bot to rise up and fondle said tatas mechanically, as he makes a not particularly funny joke about Blair’s bad moods not being related to pregnancy hormones, since Blair always suffers from mood swings, anyway.  (Real nice, Douche!)

“How else can I make you feel extremely uncomfortable about your pregnancy?  Ooh!  I know, I can squeeze your boobs, while making honking noises.” 

In Louis-bot’s defense, most of the robots I know can barely get through a simple knock-knock joke.  So, are far as cyborgs go, his sense of humor is fairly advanced.

“I am a comedic genius!  (Take that, R2D2!)”

Blair worries that Louis’ parents won’t respond well to her pregnancy, and that she will end up on some trashy reality show, like Unwed and Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed.  (In other news, MTV has just added two new reality shows to its line-up.)  Louis assures her that his parents will be THRILLED that she’s knocked up, since they have always viewed royal women as nothing more than Future-King Making Machines, anyway.  Heaven forbid, she actually gives birth to a girl!  Off with her head!

(Don’t worry!  I won’t post the Decapitation Picture, again!)

Meanwhile, Serena is totally rocking at her job, and completely impressing her new boss.  Clearly, we must have stepped into an Alternate Universe of some sort, where Serena actually has Life Goals.

“Wait a second, did you just call me a smart cookie?  Am I being punked?”

Of course, her most impressive feat is getting Daniel Day Lewis’ people to call her boss back, on possibly starring in a movie, just by sending him flowers with the script, or something.  Yeah . . . something tells me “flowers” wasn’t the only thing Serena sent Daniel Day Lewis.  Then again, maybe “flowers,” is a euphemism for something else . . .

“Hey Mr. Lewis, wanna see my flower?” 

Meanwhile, Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side Diana, and her Flying Monkey Nate (not to be confused with Chuck’s Monkey, of course), are busy plotting World Domination, and raping the cell phones of Manhattan’s elite . . .

“That Anthony Weiner guy is HILARIOUS!” 

Of particular interest to Diana is the cell phone that USED to belong to Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, since she suspects the owner of that cell phone is the key to a BIG story of some sort.  Diana also wishes she had Blair’s and Serena’s phones.  Unfortunately, for her, apparently, there are some things even a Flying Monkey won’t do.  And one of those things is screw over your friends . . . both of whom, coincidentally, Nate has already screwed.

It should come as no surprise to you that my favorite scene in this episode, features none other than that Dynamic Duo,  Chuck and Blair, as they “coincidentally,” meet up with one another, on their way to the Non-Judging Breakfast Club Book Club Meeting Dan has arranged.

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Considering how heartbreakingly poignant, Chuck and Blair’s last meeting was . . .

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 . . .  it was kind of refreshing to see these two former (and future) lovers, reunite, so soon after that epic devastation, and fall right back into the easy comfortable flirtation that embodies their one-of-a-kind relationship.  Of course, Chuck was walking his new best friend, Dan Monkey, at the time.  And watching the three (well, four, if you count Blair’s unborn baby BASS, BASS, IT HAS TO BE A BASS Louis-bot) together, I couldn’t help feeling as though I was looking at the future first branches of the new Bass family tree . . .

“Blair, I know you want to have sex dance with me, but we have to go meet Dopey Dan about his book.”

This becomes even more apparent, when Chuck drops his carefree facade to ask Blair, in earnest, how she is doing.  In response, Blair instinctively clutches her stomach, where her unborn baby lies, before telling him that she is doing well.

“You take good care of that Little Bass-tard.  Do you hear me?”

 The moment is at once, sweet, subtle, and meaningful, as it illustrates the ever-lasting connection between Chuck and Blair, one that supercedes petty jealousies and paternity tests.  At this point in our story, Chuck is convinced that he will never again experience the joy of having Blair as a lover.  And yet he still cares so deeply for her, that he is willing to put his own personal heartache aside, in order to ensure her continued happiness.

Comfortable comraderie and witty banter give way to electric chemistry, and hidden longing, when Monkey starts trying to escape Chuck’s grasp, causing Blair to “accidentally” jump into Chuck’s waiting arms.  The usually confident Chuck is adorably shy in this scene, mumbling something about squirrels, as he tries to reign in his impulse to kiss this beautiful soon-to-married woman on the mouth.

Blair too seems temporarily caught up in the moment, and is a bit breathless, when she finally extracts herself from Chuck’s grasp.

It’s time for Dan’s Big Meeting, where he finally tells everyone (except Chuck, who already knows) that they are the stars of his book.

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Dan wants all of them to read what he wrote in a SINGLE DAY (selfish much?), so that they can decide whether they still like him enough to attend his book party.  At first, we don’t get too many details, except for the tantalizing tidbit that, for some reason we will learn a bit later, Dan has decided to make Nate’s character GAY . . .

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Nate seems surprisingly cool with this, provided his character is portrayed as being highly adept at getting dick.  And if the little clip / daydream / flashback we got of Nate and his LOVER is any indication, our resident boy toy was portrayed faithfully in that regard.  (Though, admittedly, Nate’s book beau does seem about 10 years younger than the people Nate USUALLY dates.)

He IS pretty hot, though . . . 

By the way, watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of THIS . . .

Certain that she will be portrayed horribly in the book, given the pair’s checkered past, Blair is unusually icy and insulting to Dan, even for her.  And if I said this didn’t make my Chair loving heart sing, I’d be lying.

“Cheers!”

She actually calls Dan’s book “America’s Next Doorstop,” (which is pretty clever, by the way).  She also bails on his party, to meet with Louis’ parents, and tells Dan that she’s not even going to read it.  OUCH!

The not-at-all-conceited Serena promises Blair that “everybody loves a villain,” but only because she’s certain Dan will portray her as the perfect little innocent flower that she still honestly believes herself to be.

Speaking of people who live in a bubble, Faux-Charlie somehow convinces Nate that she can find the owner of that phantom cell phone, who is DEFINITELY NOT her, NO SIR!

“I NEED my cell phone back, without it, I’ll never remember what my name is supposed to be today.” 

After the meeting, everyone starts finding out what Dan wrote about them from others, but few of them actually READ the book.  You know . . . because reading is like . . . hard . . . and stuff.  Silly Serena has no qualms about telling her coworkers that she is the real life “Sabrina” in Dan’s book, because, like I said, she’s positive she’s going to come out of this smelling like a rose.  But then, she learns that her character smells more like poo, and wishes she wasn’t so hasty to reveal her identity.

“Sabrina” is slutty, flighty, often drunk, irresponsible, selfish, and self-absorbed.  Now THAT doesn’t sound like anybody WE know, does it?  In fact, “Sabrina” / Serena is apparently portrayed like such a worthless waste of life, that DANIEL DAY LEWIS doesn’t want to work with her BOSS, even though Serena bought him FLOWERS!

Riiiight . . . because famous actors always make their decisions on what movies they plan to do based on how many people the production company assistants for those movies have had sex with!

Complete lack of believability aside, Dan pretty much ruined Serena’s BIG AMAZING TWO WEEK LONG CAREER with his totally true piss poor betrayal of her in his book.

Oops.  Did I do that?” 

You know who else’s life is getting ruined by Dan’s book? BLAIR!   Because Dan apparently used his “memoir” to live out his NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN wet dreams of bedding the Queen Bee.  When Louis-Bot reads this, he TOTALLY malfunctions, believing what he’s read, INSTANTLY, without even asking Blair if it’s true.  (What a loving future husband?  Right?)  This short circuit in his Perfect Prince Microchip causes him to cancel his parents arrival, during which he was supposed to inform them about the pregnancy, and storm off like a toddler, much to Blair’s horror.

“You do realize the douchier you are to me, the shorter your guest star character arc will be.”

Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging out with Chuck and Monkey, while worrying (with good reason) about how everyone is going to react to his book.

I tend to find Dan at his most tolerable, when he’s hanging out with Chuck.  These two are just adorable together.  And I love how utterly non-judgmental Chuck is about . . . well . . . everything!  “Scotch?”  Chuck offers, as Dan cuddles with Monkey (but doesn’t spank his own, thankfully).

“It’s 2 p.m.”  Dan whines.

“Valium then,” Chuck responds coyly.

Dan then notes that while his dad is probably finished with the book, Nate is only page 20.  I actually think that is a harsh assessment.  I think, by this point, Nate probably finished the book, from cover to cover.  Then, once he didn’t find any pictures, he put it away, and went back to reading Curious George.

“Ahhh, Curious George!  I love that little scamp!”

Dan, of course, is wondering why Chuck, of all people, is being so nice to him, considering he KILLED HIM IN THE BOOK!

Oh wait . . . it gets worse.  Do you want to know HOW DAN KILLED CHUCK?  Well, they don’t exactly come out and say it, but based on  context clues, I’d say it has something to do with a little thing called auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I’m not going to describe that to you in depth, because this site has already been labeled as having adult content, without me telling you what that is.  But you can go ahead, and Google it, if you dare.  All you need to know, if that Chuck’s character’s death in the book was “accidental,” even though he SEEMS to have hung himself in his closet by a belt.  (Chuck claims, in real life, he would have used a designer scarf.)  Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, kiddies?

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Don’t cry , Chuck!  We don’t believe anything that bad man said about you!

By the way, was anyone else wondering how DAN came up with the idea to make auto-erotic asphyxiation a plot point?  Hmmm . . .

Anywhoo, Chuck reminds Dan that all success comes at a price, including his own . . . wise sage words, for a guy who’s alter ego is currently hanging in the closet next to the Armani suits . . .

Speaking of “only up to page twenty” Nate, Dan’s assessment of him was actually pretty close to correct, since, instead of reading the book, Nate was busy allowing Faux-Charlie to steal back her own phone from Diana’s office.  This, of course, ultimately led to Diana putting two and two together about who Charlie was, and blackmailing her for information about the Upper East Side crew, in exchange for keeping her secret.  It looks like Diana won’t need Nate to get intel on Blair, Chuck and Serena, after all . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little Ivy / Charlie / Call Me Serena too . . .” 

But back to Nate, I’m starting to think he really might NOT actually be able to read, as Chuck had to explain to him that his alter ego, a gay character named Derek VonSomething, who’s two years younger than the rest of the characters, and Serena’s character’s little brother, is actually much more Eric VanDer Woodsen, then he is Nate Archibald .  . .

“You put me in your book, Dan?  I’m going to get REVENGE on you (but only because I left Gossip Girl to star in a show called REVENGE)!”

I think it’s kind of funny, that Nate’s character is probably the most positively portrayed of all the characters, yet he’s pissed because he has to share him with Eric!  “But I’m YOUR BEST FRIEND!”  Nate whines on the phone to Dan, before his Mommy comes to change his poopy diaper.

This is probably one of the few times during the hour, when I’m actually on DAN’S side.  And when Nate balks at the notion of showing up at his supposed best friend’s book party, I can’t help but kind of wish that Dan hung Nate’s character in a closet, at the end of the novel .  . . well . . . I guess Nate’s character would probably hang OUTSIDE of the closet.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Worst Book Party EVER!

“But Serena, when I said you were flighty and irresponsible, I only meant like 98.6% of the time.  The rest of the time, you’re fabulous.” 

All the poo really hits the fan at Dan’s book signing party, where Serena and Blair confront Dan to rip him a new one for their portrayals in the book.  Then, Dan has to try to stop Louis-bot and Blair for coming to blows with one another over the little Dair sex scene he included therein.  “I thought my suspicions about the two of you were ridiculous.  But, it turns out, the only thing ridiculous is me,” bleats out Louis-bot.

Well, he’s right about one thing.  .  . 

Dan earns some major points with me, by admitting to Louis that said sex never actually happened . . .

And earns some more points, by informing Serena that the world doesn’t revolve around her, when she completely IGNORES the turmoil that HER friend is undoubtedly going through, regarding the impending breakup of her marriage, as a result of this book.  “If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair, and what I did to you, then maybe all that stuff about you in the book actually IS true,” says Dan.

Slight redemption aside, Blair isn’t about to let Dan off the hook so easily for humilating her in this way.  “You better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one,” she tells him.  And then later, she says, “Get it through your head,  There is no US!  There never was!  All we had was friendship!  And now there is not even that.”

“And for the record, Dan Humphrey, I’ve seen FANFICTION writers who are better at writing smut than you.” 

Woah!  Meanwhile, outside, Chuck is calmly trying to hit on the publisher’s assistant, who is really quite awful, isn’t she?  I mean she really knows how to make a person feel like crap.

“The economy is never going to get better.  The world is doomed for all eternity.  And you are going to die, alone and unloved.  And so is your dog.  By the way, my name is Alexandra.  Nice to meet you.”

Alexandra casually remarks about Charlie Trout’s auto-erotic demise, wondering how long he hung in the closet, before anyone found him.  “I have plenty of staff.  I’m sure they would find me rather quickly,” explains Chuck.  “Because . . .”

“Staff . . . not friends and family?  That’s even worse,” replies the EVIL WENCH.

Excuse me?  Do you not realize you are talking to a REAL person about their LIFE, you DESPICABLE SHREW!   You know what, Alexandra?  If YOU were hanging in the closet, something tells me YOUR so-called friends and family would throw a party RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE.

Did I go too far?  Sorry . . . I get very sensitive about my Chuck Bass.

Speaking of Chuck, he totally saves the day (though I kind of wish he didn’t), by rushing out to tell Louis what a MORON he is, for letting go of a girl like Blair . . .

“If you read Dan’s book, you know how I turn out.  You have a chance to be happy, and not end up alone, hanging in a closet.  Don’t give up you’re own fact for someone else’s fiction.”

WOW!  That was really beautiful.  And I must admit, it made me a little teary . . .

You know what else made me teary, when Chuck came to Lily toward the end of the episode, and admitted that he didn’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy anymore, and that he feared that Blair was lost to him forever . . .

I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at Lily for simply AGREEING with him, though.  What is this, Make Chuck Want to Kill Himself Day?

Things start to go slightly better for the OTHER members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, when Serena and Blair share a sweet heart-to-heart, in which Blair FINALLY tells Serena she is pregnant.  And the pair remind us why we’ve always loved their friendship so much, in the first place.  (Yes, I make fun of Serena A LOT.  But I do thoroughly enjoy her friendship with the rest of the GG gang.  See, I’m not a total heartless bastard.)

“You may be flighty, irresponsible, selfish, and slutty, but I LOVE YOU!” 

Then Louis-bot apologizes to Blair, as he always seems to do in the last five minutes of every episode, after he inevitably does something douchey . . .

Source

It’s not his fault, of course.   This is just how he’s been programmed to behave by the mad scientist who created him . . .

Commence battery recharge . . . 

Then, Serena’s boss tells her that she wants her to get the movie rights to “Inside,” which, honestly, we all should have smelled coming a mile away.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Blakey Lively will play the part of Sabrina?)

I said the Non-Judging Breakfast Club was doing better at the end of the episode, but that doesn’t include Dan.  In fact, Dan’s OWN FATHER is incredibly hurt by HIS portrayal in the novel.  Dan wrote him as a money-grubbing trophy husband,  which, while not entirely false, is actually a quite terrible thing to say about the person who raised you . . .

“I’ll only forgive you, if you get George Clooney to play me in the movie.”

Granted, Rufus never struck me as the smartest dad on the block, but compared to some of the other fathers on teen television, he’s practically a saint.  And he really didn’t deserve this kind of treatment . . .

The episode ends, much like it began, with Dan Humpty Dumpty doomed to follow in his character, Dylan Hunter’s footsteps, loved by the masses,  but still utterly alone.  And because that’s an awfully depressing way to end an episode, I’d like to leave you on a much brighter note . . .

That’s better!

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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