Tag Archives: meta

A Letter from Chuck Bass to Blair Waldorf, written after he watched the Gossip Girl episode “Cross Rhodes”

My Dearest Blair,

Letter writing . . . it’s a bit of a lost art, don’t you think?  For me, there is just something so personal about putting pen to paper . . . gradually baring my soul to you, with each florid flick of my pen.  To know that you are holding my thoughts in the tips of your long elegant fingers . . . it’s kind of erotic, really.

Then again, you and I have always been a bit old fashioned, haven’t we?

More in some ways, than in others, of course . . .

Generally, I don’t watch much television.  My responsibilities as a prominent New York hotelier don’t afford me much in the way of free time.    And when I do watch, I’m frequently unimpressed.

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Just this past week, Nate convinced me to join him in a viewing of an episode of The Jersey Shore.   I spent most of that hour of my life (which I will never get back, by the way) trying to adjust the television screen.  I was about to call the cable company to complain about the poor picture quality.  But Nate assured me that the characters on the show really do have skin that color . . . a fact I found unsettling, to say the least.

That said, Monkey and I have recently gotten into the habit of watching Gossip Girl, together, each week.

Between you and me, Monkey has become a bit of a prima donna, since his debut on the show.  He insists that the producers only film him on his right side.  Every once in a while, you will catch a shot or two of Monkey taken from the left.  When this happens, Monkey always grabs my cell phone in his teeth, and rushes to call his agents in my bedroom.  There’s always a lot of loud barking going on, on those nights.

Anyway, I’m writing this to you, to discuss some things that happened during the “Cross Rhodes” episode that greatly disturbed me.  Aside from the parts of the episode that featured yours truly . . .

. . .  I’d say my favorite part of the episode was the one that featured you and Serena fighting at the breakfast table, after Dorota locked you in the dining room together.  You looked stunning as always, dear Blair.  And part of me was very much hoping that you and Serena would amorously wrestle one another on the table, amidst a shower of breaking glass, flying bits of fruit cocktail, and of course, lots and lots of bacon.

That would have been incredibly arousing . . . though, since Serena is my sister, I would probably have to refrain from looking at her during the battle, and only look at you.  No problem . . .

Also, I must say that having seen the fur vest to which Serena was referring in her insult of your wardrobe choices.  I must say, that I patently disagree with her assessment of it.  I thought you looked smashing in that vest.  Then again, you would look smashing wearing nothing but a paper bag, or better yet, a roll of red-tinted plastic wrap . . .

I’m going to refrain from remarking on the fact that the two of you were arguing over that boring, brillo-pad headed, puff pastry, with a passion for wearing cheap flannel, otherwise known as Daniel Humphrey, for the time being . . .

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Speaking of the Donut, Monkey and I were particularly exited to get to the part of the story, where the Upright Citizens Brigade skewered Dan’s novel.  After all, if there is any book in the world that deserves a good skewering, it’s the Dair fanfiction commonly referred to as “Inside.”  (Dan’s proposed second novel, The Manhattan Monarch, on the other hand . . . now THAT sounds like a good book!).

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I was especially interested in seeing which dashing young gentleman they would cast as the brilliantly, witty, but ulimately tragic, auto-erotic asphixiator,  Charlie Trout.  But alas, that aspect of the performance was never shown on screen.  For what it’s worth, I’ve always pictured Charlie as a swarthier Ryan Gosling, or, perhaps, as that talented little Brit, Ed Westwick . . .

That said, I thought the Brigade did a nice job casting that hairy mountain man with the slight speech impediment as Dan Humphrey . . .  Granted, he was a bit more attractive, and charming, than the real Dan.  But isn’t that always the case with Hollywood casting?

As for the girl they cast as a stand-in Serena, she was a bit shorter and rounder than I would have liked, but she did manage to catch many of Serena’s trademark mannerisms . . . most notably, her patent inability to brush her hair, and the fact that she likely shares her wardrobe with Mary Kate Olsen . . .

Regarding the casting of your character, there is no way that Lola girl, could hold a candle to you.  And you are right.  That headband she was wearing was an insult to headbands everywhere, certainly to the caliber of headbands you wore on your pretty little head, back in high school.

So, of course, Monkey and I were thrilled to learn that Lola had to back out of the show (though we’re sorry that Cece had to die for the sake good art), and that you were ready and waiting to take her place.  After all, no one does Blair Waldorf, like Blair Waldorf.  You know that, better than anyone . . .

Prior to the actual play, we did get to see you offering some acting tips to the woman who was to play you, which I think was a very kind gesture, on your part.  I think you were absolutely right, when you described any kiss that would exist between you and Dan Humphrey as “perfunctory.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  (Though the words “nausea-inducing” also immediately come to mind.)

Then, of course, I became very worried for your safety, when Humphrey tried to eat your face, like a hungry zombie, closing in on an exceptionally tasty brain, after weeks of going completely unfed.

The way your hands haphazardly grasped at various parts of that Donut’s body led some viewers to thing you were “caught in an arousing moment.”  But I could see that you were actually fighting for your life.  I was about to call 911 on your behalf, until Monkey reminded me that this show is pre-recorded . . .

Fortunately, Serena arrived to distract the zombie from his brain-eating attack.  And you promptly ran into the streets after her, in hopes of escaping infection by the undead and personality-free.  Monkey and I cheered, when this happened.

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I must say, I didn’t understand much about the argument you had with Serena, shortly after she rescued you . . . something about squashing your emotions like a bug.

I seem to remember once, back in high school — the first time I admitted to you that I might be harboring romantic feelings for you — you told me to murder the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  In that case, I’ll take your seemingly random comment as a clandestine acknowledgement of our everlasting love.  Message sent and received, my darling, Queen B.

When it came time for the actual show, there was a ridiculous moment, in which the Serena character relayed to you, an experience in which Humphrey supposedly came to watch you read some essay you wrote in the fifth grade. She said this, even though you and Dan Humphrey did not attend the same school, during that time.  (He was in public school . . . poor boy.).   Also, I might add, you had no idea who the f*&k Dan Humphrey was until high school.

It was a charming story in the way syphillis is charming, despite it’s being completely untrue.  And I guess your response of “Dan loves me for me,” was supposed to be funny.  The Upright Citizens Brigade is meant to be comedic, after all . . .

Now, I certainly can’t  fault Humphrey for falling in love with you, Blair.   You are perfect, in every way.  You know that.  The question is, what version of you does Dan love?

Does he love the strong, powerful,  incredibly ambitious, and often manipulative, woman, who used to stay up nights with me, planning and scheming?  Does he love the Queen B, who ruled the halls of Constance Billard High School, with an iron headband?

Does he love the woman I helped to become the perfect prom queen?  The one who helped me build my empire, and pulled me back from the brink, after my father’s death?

Does he love the first woman to whom I said those ever elusive three words and eight letters?  The woman who enjoys the finer things in life . . . posh hotels, king sized beds with soft sheets made of Egyptian cotton, in ridiculously high thread counts . . .

. . . a designer wardrobe,  eating tasty macaroons . . .

. . . indulging in the kinkiest of foreplay, playing dress-up, and, of course, limo sex?

Or does he only love you, when you are at your most vulnerable and broken  . . . a girl on the run, hiding from a life she never wanted, and pretending to be someone else, so that she doesn’t have to face the nightmare that her world has become?

I wonder . . .

But then you ran out the door again, and I assumed you must be having PTSD flashbacks of Zombie Dan eating your face . . .

When you arrived at the hospital to support Serena in her time of need, I wished I could be there for you.  But Monkey and I were too busy plotting world domination, and my limo driver couldn’t get across town in time.  Yet, I did call you.  And the words you said to me, were statements I genuinely took to heart.

You are absolutely right, Blair.  Being a good person, is more than just being kind to you . . .the woman I love more than life itself.  Being nice to you is easy . . .

. . . The real test of reformation is being benevolent to all of gods creatures . . .

. .  . even dull, squishy-bodied, slugs like, Dan Humphrey.

And thanks to your powerful words, I vow to be an all-around more decent person, in the future, Blair  . . . even to those who are less fortunate than myself . . . or at least have less fortunate hair . . .

Then, you told Humphrey you had real feelings for him, and I started to wonder whether, perhaps, he had chewed out a portion of your brain, after all . .  .  I plan to have an in-depth conversation about this with my neurologist, later today.  It’s a good thing you decided to stick around the hospital.  Impromptu surgery might be in order . . .

Until then, I pray for your speedy recovery.  Don’t you worry, though.  I’m not going to make a Pact with God, on your behalf.   Because that would just be ridiculous . . .

Forever yours, with deep and abiding love,

Charles Bass.

P.S. Dan sent that video of us declaring our love for one another on your wedding day to Gossip Girl.  If you ever want to get revenge on his ass for pretty much ruining your life, you know who to call  . . .

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Veronica Mars Meets Mad Men Meets Rich People You Hate Taking Your Money and Laughing About It – A Brief Look at the Pilot Episode of Showtime’s “House of Lies”

As you may or may not have noticed,  I haven’t been around much lately.  Now, I can make up a bunch of fairly lame excuses for this.  But I won’t, because you’re smart enough not to believe most of them. 🙂

Basically, the reason I haven’t been blogging this past week or so, is because I have fallen into the Vast Wasteland that is Winter Hiatus Television.  And I can’t GET OUT!

Man, it’s dark and dismal out there, in the world of repeats, countless Christmas movies starring Mario Lopez, and infomercials for Forever Lazy!

The one item of clothing capable of making a Snuggie look chic and fashionable by comparison.

Useless as the state of prime time TV has become of late,  I find myself spending a good deal of the time I usually spend watching television shows and writing about them doing productive things with my time, like charity work, training for triathalons, and socializing with Real Live Human Beings refreshing the homepages of ew.com and tvline.com, in hopes of finding spoilers for The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. 

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Pathetic?  Yes!  Ashamed?  No sir!  Do you know why?  Because trolling the interwebs, has enabled me to find the pilot for a BRAND NEW SHOW!

The show is called House of Lies, and it premieres on January 8th on Showtime.  Don’t have Showtime?

Worry not!  Because you can watch the entire pilot episode, RIGHT HERE, ON THIS BLOG.  Though, admittedly, they cut out all the good stuff, like the cursing . . . and the naked people.  But mostly it’s naked women, so if you are a straight girl, like me, you probably won’t mind much. 

The show is, more or less, about these fast-talking, manipulative, take-your-money-and-run, high-powered management consultants, and how they bilk wealthy douchebag companies out of their not-so-hard-earned cash, in ways that are entirely legal.  (Honestly, I’m not quite sure who you are supposed to be rooting for, in this scenario.)  Showtime, of course, has a bit more to say about the premise of the show.  So, if you are curious, you can check out the official website here.

House of Lies is loosely based on a book of the same name written by THIS GUY . . .

Hey, at least he’s honest!

Therefore, it is probably not surprising that the main character of the show is a man named Marty Kaan, which, is probably the way Martin Kihn’s clients say his name, after they’ve had a few drinks, when they aren’t calling him “Asshole” of course.   What might surprise you though, is that Marty Kaan is played by THIS GUY . . .

The resemblance is striking.  Don’t you think?

Yes, fellow film fanatics.  The handsome man pictured above is Don Cheadle, otherwise known as that Actor From Every Oscar-Award-Winning Movie You Ever Saw . . . and, of course, Hotel for Dogs. 

To be completely honest, though, Don Cheadle wasn’t who brought me to this show . . . She did . . .

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That’s right!  Kristen Bell is in this show . . . a.k.a. Veronica Mars . . . a.k.a. one half of one of my favorite TV Couples of ALL TIME

Between you and me, I have a bit of a girl crush on Kristen Bell . . .

Not like that!  (Get your mind out of the gutter!) 

So, much of a girl crush, in fact, that I even enjoyed THIS adorably heartfelt, and yet, at the same time, gut-wrenching and utterly disturbing, music video . . .

While Bell’s character, Jeannie Van Der Hooven, is neither quite as edgy, nor as spunky, as a certain high school detective we all know and love, she does share some of that trademark sarcastic wit, acerbic nature, take-no-prisoners attitude, and hidden vulnerability, with her slightly more youthful alter ego.

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As a Veronica Mars fan, I found this kind of refreshing.   It was almost as if House of Lies took place in some alternate universe, where Lily Kane never died, Keith Mars kept his job as sheriff, and Veronica graduated high school as a better dressed, if a tad less accessible, “Niner” who had her sights set on business school.  (If you’ve never watched VM, feel free to disregard this entire paragraph, as it probably makes no sense to you, whatsoever.)

 

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Also starring in House of Lives is Dawn Olivieri, a.k.a. one of Damon’s many dead ex girlfriends from The Vampire Diaries . . .

R.I.P. Andie Starr 

Dawn plays Marty’s drug addict ex-wife and business rival, Monica.  Three seconds into the pilot these two are already buck naked . . . if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

 Hmm . . . I wonder if there will be biting involved, in future episodes?

Now, that I’ve given you a rundown on the cast, you are probably wondering what I actually thought of the pilot.  Here’s what’s interesting . . . for the first, I’d say, ten minutes or so, I wasn’t a fan.  Mainly, I think, this had to do with a certain annoying little gimmick employed by the writers, way too frequently, during the first third of the show.  I’m, of course, referring to those instances during which Cheadle’s character would literally FREEZE TIME, in order to break the proverbial “Fourth Wall,”so as to define a particular term for the viewing audience that didn’t really need to be defined, or explain something to them that didn’t particularly need explaining . . .

It was pedantic, annoying, and made me feel like I was watching Sesame Street for Rich People, or a really cheesy sitcom from the early 90’s.

And then, weirdly, about 15 minutes into the episode, this gimmick completely disappeared . . . almost as if the writers forgot they were doing it in the first place.

I also wasn’t entirely sold on Cheadle’s character.  He seemed smarmy, but not in a particularly funny, or likeable way . . .

NOT Don Draper . . .

Yet, despite all that, I found the pilot to be REALLY funny.  I laughed out loud more than once, which, is unusual for me, when watching a TV show.  Two subplots . . . one involving “Marty’s” son auditioning for a school production of Grease, and another involving a . . . um . . . double date, were particularly amusing.

That’s where House of Lies pleasantly surprised me.  For a seemingly sleek, “adult,” pay cable show, about arrogant greedy rich people, House of Lies was more screwball, and a bit more campy, than the glossy advertising, and designer-suit wearing cast would have you believe.  This is a show that definitely doesn’t take it self too seriously . . . a quality that more television programs could stand to adopt, nowadays.

And it’s that aspect of the show that’s convinced me to give it a second chance . . . (also, because Veronica Mars is in it, obviously).  (But they REALLLLY have to get rid of that Freeze Frame Tutorial Thing, IMMEDIATELY!)

Thanks Mr. Chead . . . er . . . I mean Marty.  I never would have remembered to do that, if you hadn’t held up that handy dandy sign for me to read.  🙂  So, without further adieu, I present to you, the pilot episode of House of Lies . . .

 

If you have a spare half hour or so, give it try.  Because it sure beats watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the 85,000th time .  . . .

Happy viewing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“DUDE! It’s Me, Hurley!” – The Drinking Game!

Everybody loves Hugo!  Don’t believe me?  Just check out the episode title for next week’s installment of Lost.  And, really, what’s NOT to LOVE about Hugo “Hurley” Reyes?  After all, he’s cuddly  . . .

and funny.

He’s good with kids . . .

 . . . and dogs.

No matter where he is, Hurley can always be counted on to bring the party . . .

. . . and the good food.

And our main man Hugo is ALWAYS down for a good road trip (even if you forgot to take the Dead Guy out of your van).

Speaking of dead people, did I mention that Hurley sees (and talks) to them?

Or that he’s a lotto winner?

So, in honor of this week’s Hurley-centric episode, I propose, for all you Lost fans out there, a little Hurley-themed drinking game.  The game should last throughout the duration of “Everybody Loves Hugo” (assuming you don’t pass out before then).  All you need? An alcoholic beverage of your choice,

(Beer or wine will work best.)

a bottle of hard liquor,

and your favorite snack (or snacks).

Here’s how to play:

(1) Every time Hurley says the word “Dude,” you take a shot.  To get an idea of just how many shots you will likely have to take, check out this lovely video.

(2) Every time Hurley says “The Numbers,” or utters any of those ever-important numbers, recite the numbers out loud, and take a sip of your alcoholic beverage.

If you forget to recite the numbers, or fail to recite them correctly, take a shot.

(3) Every time Hurley is shown eating, take a bite of your snack and two sips of your alcoholic beverage.

(4) If Hurley is shown running, run in place for ten seconds, and take a sip of your drink.

If you FAIL to run for ten seconds, take a shot.

(5) If Hurley sees or talks to a dead person, take a shot.

If the DEAD PERSON is JACOB, take two shots.

(6) If Hurley makes a meta-reference to science fiction or the mythology of Lost, cup your hand to your chin, and say “Hmmm, verrrry interesting,” with a European accent.  If those comments are made to MILES, take a bite of food, and a shot.

(7) If a reference is made to Mr. Cluck’s Chicken, stand up, do the funky chicken for ten seconds, and stuff your mouth with a wad of food.  (Oh, and take a shot, of course.)  For those of you who don’t think this will come up, check out the faux-commercial that debuted at this past year’s Comic Con.

And for those of you out there who DON’T watch Lost, but suffered through this post anyway (There may be one or two of you out there.), here’s a little treat for YOU!  It’s those old school Muppet Babies, with a Hurley-inspired twist . . .

Happy Drinking!  See ya Tuesday, DUDES!

[Note: My pal, Amazon Annie, says, “Play ‘Dude!  It’s Me, Hurley’ at your own risk . . .”]

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