Tag Archives: MIB

Happily Ever After or Happy in the Ever After? – My Initial Take on Lost’s Series Finale “The End”

 

After six years, and a fun and enjoyable, if not exactly “informative” two hours, one of the most innovative, intelligent, and well-acted shows in television history, Lost, has come to its final conclusion.  And aside from an open-ended, and fairly controversial ending, and a few (OK . .  a LOT . . . of unanswered questions), I think the producers did a great job of giving fans what they wanted, at least on an emotional level.  After all, for what could sometimes be a fairly dour show (I mean, it did revolve around a plane crash, and I’d say at least a third of the episodes featured SOMEONE dying), this may have been the happy-go-luckiest season finale of all time . . .

See?   Look how HAPPY he is!

While, I would have to be absolutely effing nuts to attempt to do a comprehensive recap of this ENTIRE finale (I do work, you know . . .), I thought it might be fun, (for me at least, if not necessarily for you) to discuss some of my favorite moments from the episode, before I attempt to tackle . . . THE ENDING, which I plan to do in a separate post.  I’m going to try to break these down by character, so that there’s at least some organizing principle to this stream of consciousness mish mash of a so-called recap . . .

Vincent

So what if they never explained his island significance, his seeming omniscience, or how he managed to survive all this time (Are we actually supposed to believe he was with Rose and Bernard during ALL those missing years?).  So what if he never got reunited with his real owner (Walt).  He’s a cute dog.  And EVERYONE likes cute dogs!  So the fact that our little Vincent got some screen time during this finale, including being featured in the third to last frame of the ENTIRE show, was both adorable and awesome. 

Boone

Ian Somerhalder looked positively yummy during his half-a-second of screen time in this finale.  I thought it was funny / sweet that he was willing to get his ass kicked for the sake of LOVE .  . . even if it wasn’t HIS own love, but rather the love between his sister and Sayid.  I was also happy that he made it into the “temple / church” at the end.  Because some other Losties who appeared in more episodes than he did (cough, Michael, cough), apparently didn’t rate.  My one gripe is that we didn’t get to see his “realization of island life” moment, as we did with the other castaways.  Clearly, I’m a bit biased for Damon Salvatore Boone.

Lapidus

I’m starting to believe this guy’s sole purpose on this show was to fulfill the “Cooky Pilot” role.  Did you notice how Lapidus was MIA during most of the series, but was always conveniently on hand whenever any of the castaways needed to hop on a plane?  However, I was really happy he didn’t, you know, DIE in that submarine accident, along with Sayid, Jin and Sun, as I had initially thought he did.   If I were him, however, I would have been a tad annoyed that none of the other castaways seemed to give a damn about my mortality, until they needed a ride. . . .

Richard Alpert

Ditto on the whole, “YAY!  You’re not dead!” thing . . .  Other than staying alive, Mr. Guyliner didn’t have much to do during this episode, except for  .  . . AGE!  That’s right folks, once our Big Baddie was dead, apparently, Richard Alpert wasn’t immortal anymore.  He even got a GREY HAIR!

  For a few minutes there, I was worried that the centuries old Alpert would begin to decay and instantly disintegrate, vampire style.  He didn’t.  Alpert gets to get old and wrinkly, slowly and painfully, just like the rest of us.  Lucky him! 

Rose and Bernard

It was nice to see these two still alive and playing house (with their pet Vincent) on Lost island.  And, can I just say, that Dharma food must be REAL good . . . because Bernard was looking more than a bit on the tubby side . . . (Oh, and I’m pretty sure he and Crazy Claire share the same island stylist.)

Hurley

A few weeks back, I proposed a drinking game that revolved (among other things) around Hurley’s repeated use of the word “dude.”  Apparently, someone on the writing staff was listening, because Hurley LITERALLY said “DUDE” at the beginning or end of EVERY SENTENCE he uttered during this ENTIRE finale . . .  It actually got a bit annoying, toward the end.

 I was also amused by the “ceremony” in which Hurley took over the Candidate position from Jack of “Guarder of the Giant Island Light Bulb.”  Hurley looked as disappointed as Lost fans probably were, when Jack scooped up muddy water from a random puddle, put it in a used Poland Spring bottle, and told him to drink it. 

That’s it?  THAT’S what makes you The Candidate?  Drinking dirty water?  Haven’t ALL the Losties been drinking island water for six years now?  Who knew that Jack’s utterance of the classic phrase “Now your like me,” REALLY meant, “Now you’re suffering from an intestinal parasite, and a BAD case of Montezuma’s revenge . . .”

Jin and Sun

Tonight’s series finale was just FILLED with virtually identical sappy scenes in which two characters, who were “coupled” on the island, touched one another, and instantly “remembered” their island past.   This was inevitably illustrated by a “love montage” between the two characters, to the tune of overly dramatic music. 

Now, I’m a girl.  So, although I recognized their almost nauseating cheesiness, these scenes actually worked for me.  But if I had to choose my favorite of them, it would be the one between Jin and Sun, which was poignant on so many more levels than just the “We luuuuve eachother” one.

In this scene, Juliet, (I’ll get to her in a bit), is showing Jin and Sun their baby’s sonogram.  When  Juliet puts the gel on Sun’s belly, she remembers the same thing occuring in island world, and tears of happy recognition run down her cheeks.  A few seconds later, when the sonogram picture appears on the screen, Jin remembers seeing pictures of Ji Yeon when he was on the island.  Then the two look at eachother and collectively remember their Titanic ripoff on-island death scene, which resulted in their child being an orphan in island world, and also REALLY PISSED ME OFF. 

But this is Flash-Sideways World, so all is good!  Juliet asks the teary couple if they want to know the sex of the baby.  They answer in English, which, of course, they both just remembered how to speak, that they know it is a girl, and that her name is Ji Yeon.  Awesome!

Ben

Before, I tell you what I LIKED about Ben in the series finale, let me start with a little gripe.  The producers of the show teased that Ben was supposed to get some loving, before the series ended.   In Flash Sideways World, it was sort-of hinted that he would eventually find love with Rousseau . . .

 . . . but, ultimately, the producers didn’t deliver in this respect.  And I was sad . . .

In happier news, our resident flip-flopper, who seemingly has more personalties than United States of Tara, ultimately redeemed himself AGAIN during this episode.  Instead of covering his own ass and taking the easy way out, Island Ben agreed to stay with Hurley as Vice Candidate Protector of the Giant Light Bulb. We know he did a pretty good job of it too, as Hurley ultimately tells him in Flash Sideways World, “You were a great Number 2.” 

Speaking of Flash Sideways World, there, after Ben remembered his island roots, he apologized to John for basically making his life a living hell for many seasons of Lost.  “I was jealous of you.  I wanted what you had.  You were special, and I wasn’t,” he explained. 

Ultimately, Ben didn’t enter the “Temple/Church” with the rest of the crew.  And I don’t recall seeing Alex or Rousseau there either . . . but here’s hoping they all eventually found their way there . . .

Sawyer

Why oh WHY, were you completely dressed during this ENTIRE FINALE, Josh Holloway?

Excess clothing aside, it was fun to spend this final two hours with the World’s Sexiest Lostie.  And while, as a Skate fan, I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that my side of the love square ultimately didn’t win out (Sawyer ended up with Juliet / Jack ended up with Kate), I have to say I ADORED this small scene between MY COUPLE!

Sawyer: “I’d invite you along, but then I would miss out on all the fun of telling you that you can’t come.

Kate: “Guess, I’ll have to overcome the urge to follow you anyway.”

Classic! 

Carlton and Damon, remind me why you didn’t put these two togther, again?  Oh, well . . . at least we’ll always have Bear Cage Sex . . .

Crazy Claire

So, it looks like Sane Claire is here to stay, and Kate’s willing to stick around and help care for Aaron, just in case she falls off the “Non-Loony Tunes” Wagon.  (Although I was a bit annoyed that they never explained “the sickness” Claire had, or how SHE was able to give birth on the island when no one else could, or what made Aaron “special.”)   I had to laugh a bit when the Losties invited her off the island and she initially replied, “Look at me!  The island’s made me crazy!  I can’t take care of a kid anymore!”

And if this wasn’t “The Happiest Series Finale EVER” I’d be inclined to agree with her statements.  After all, Crazy isn’t like a cold.  It doesn’t just go away after 9 days.  But, fortunately for Claire, Kate . . .

 .  . . agreed to help Claire be a mother to Aaron (and reteach Claire how to use a hairbrush).  Holding hands like school girls, the two hopped aboard Lapidus’ plane and left the island (and Crazy?) behind them for good.

In Flash Sideways World, Kate helps Claire give birth at a Driveshaft concert, and it is the CLEANEST, LEAST BLOODY and EASIEST delivery EVER!  Just minutes after giving birth, when Claire’s va-jay-jay is all exposed, she reunites with and remembers her love for a totally gothed out, Rocker Charlie  . . .

OK, obviously this picture does NOT show Rocker Charlie . . . But rest assured, the Charlie on screen today could have used some mascara application lessons from Richard Alpert . . . Less is more, dude!  Less is MORE!

Sayid and Shannon

The makeout scene between these two was hot . . . just saying.  It was kind of creepy that Shannon’s brother was ogling her the whole time though (especially since we know that Bro and Sis once DID IT!)

Locke

OK . . . so in island world, Locke imposter, MIB, FINALLY DIED!

How, you ask?  Well, the temporary turning off of the Giant Light Bulb made him mortal again, which gave Kate the excellent opportunity to finally successfully shoot him, after failing to do so about 80 times this season (“I saved you a bullet, A-hole!”)  He also fell off a cliff . . .

But in Flash Sideways World, Locke was warm and fuzzy.  He came through his operation with flying colors, waking up and wiggling his toes immediately.  He also made lovey dovey eyes at former nemeses Jack and Ben.  And those of you who also watch Glee, like me, probably got particular joy out of the scene where he gets up from his wheelchair and instantly begins to walk upright. (Artie would have been sooooo jealous!) 

I half expected Locke to start doing the Safety Dance!

Jack

Obviously, the crux of this episode revolves around Jack’s journey.  And a discussion of Jack’s journey would inevitably lead to a discussion of “The Ending,” which, as I mentioned earlier, I am saving for another post.  For now, suffice it to say, that I was happy about the following strands of Jack-centric plotlines:

*In Flash Sideways World, David Shepard (Assuming this kid actually exists, seeing as . . . well, more on that later), is the son of both Jack and Juliet. These two seemed to have had the most amicable divorce EVER, especially seeing as they are both doctors in the SAME hospital (awkward).  Still, nice touch writers . . .

*It was cool to see Jack FINALLY reunited with his dad, Christian Shepard, who was actually nice to him for a change . . . Even though . . . well . .  . nevermind . . .

* I loved the scene where Hurley told Jack he was “right,” and Jack said, “There’s a first time for everything.” 

(Yes Jack, for six seasons you were ALWAYS WRONG about EVERYTHING!  It was high time you finally bucked up and admitted it.)

* I was glad that Jack got to spend his final moments with Vincent.  Because if any guy needs Man’s Best Friend it’s Dour Jack . . .

Well, that’s ALMOST all folks . . .Tune in sometime tomorrow, when I attempt to broach the controversial last ten minutes of this episode, and some of the series’ most infuriating UNANSWERED questions . . .

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What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

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10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

[This is a snarky Lost post.  One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode.  If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]

Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .

“Sawyer is DREAMY!”

. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co.  Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers?  So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:

1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

2)  When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy.  You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins. 

Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise. 

No child wants that . . .

3)  You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand?  Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting. 

“Oops!”

Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids!  To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .

4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . .  (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).

“You got THAT right!”

5) Not the favorite child in your family?  That’s OK.  All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER.  That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE.  So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.

Still breastfed, after all these years . . .

6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe!  Don’t be afraid to experiment. 

The Man in Black / Man in White Look?  SO LAST SEASON!

And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not.  There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion.  For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,”  you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;

 or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See?  Evil can wear WHITE too!).

7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.

Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .

8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . .  like the vampires and werewolves do?

Heidi Montag, take note . . .

9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable.  Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,

 a life saver, 

and some swimmies. 

Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .

And, finally . . .

10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”

To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag.  Here’s one I particularly like .  . .

So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life.  Who said television wasn’t educational?

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Lost’s “The Candidate” and the Murderous Reign of Elizabeth Sarnoff (Contains SPOILERS)

WARNING:  If you have not yet seen this week’s installment of Lost, entitled “The Candidate,” and you plan on seeing it, you DO NOT want to be here right now!  Because I am about to spoil for you four serious OMFG Lost Series Shocker Moments . . . moments that rival the twist endings to some of America’s most surprising films . . .

“I see dead candidates!”

“John Locke is KEYSER SOZE!”

“Jacob’s REAL Candidate is a MAN, baby!”

And so, for those of you who don’t want to be SERIOUSLY spoiled, I am hereby giving you five seconds to leave this blog . . .

5

4

3

2

1

 . . .  Are they gone yet?  OK. 

 I would now like to take this opportunity to express my condolences over the loss of four characters, to whom I have become extremely attached, throughout the course of Lost history. 

 

Frank Lapidus (played by Jeff Fahey)

Sayid Jarrah (played by Naveen Andrews)

Jin Kwon (played by Daniel Dae Kim)

Sun Kwon (played by Yoon-Jin Kim)

These tragic losses will most certainly be deeply felt throughout the Lost universe.  And while this is neither the time, nor the place, to establish blame for the passing of these fine individuals, would you like to know who killed them?

Well . . . yeah . . . him, but that wasn’t who I was referring to . . .

Yep, that’s her! 

The woman pictured above, is none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff, Lost executive producer, and the writer of this week’s TOTAL F-ING BLOODBATH of a Lost episode.  After I finished watching Lost, I was lurking around The Fuselage, a fansite for diehard Losties, and this lady was literally ALL those folks were talking about!  Apparently, Liz’s “serial character murdering” reputation precedes her.  So, I did a little research into the writer’s episode penning-past.  And, let me just say, her body count is HIGH!

In her premiere episode, “Abandoned” (Season 2), Liz killed Lostie Shannon Caryle.

In the episode, “Two for the Road” (also Season 2), Liz ended the lives of Tailies Ana Lucia and Libby:

In the episode,” The Man Behind the Curtain” (Season 3), Liz laid waste to, more or less, the ENTIRE Dharma Initiative, including Benjamin Linus’s father, Roger Linus.

And in “Meet Kevin Johnson” (Season 4), Liz gunned down Karl and Rousseau (both pictured here, along with the now-dead Alex and the THANKFULLY still alive, Hurley)

But of Ms. Sarnoff’s deadly episodes, ‘The Candidate” was probably the most shocking.  After all, this was the first time in Lost history in which THREE Original Cast Members met their untimely demise, during the course of a single episode!  (Lapidus didn’t appear on the show until Season 4.) 

The most heartbreaking of these deaths undoubtedly belonged to Jin and Sun.  With Sun trapped amongst the wreckage of a flooded submarine, Jin tried in vain to rescue her.  When he saw that he would be unable to free her in time, he held tightly to her hand, vowing never to leave her again.  The couple’s hands remained clasped to one another, until the moment of both of their deaths.  And, while the sacrifice on Jin’s part was certainly heroic and romantic, I couldn’t help but wonder why Sun didn’t implore Jin to save himself, on behalf of their young child, Ji-Yeon, now undoubtedly an orphan . . .

It is also important to note that, the name “Kwon,” which was listed as one of Jacob’s Island Saving Candidates, likely referred to either Sun or Jin.  Now we might never know which one . . .

Sayid’s death, while tragic, was a bit more uplifting.  After multiple episodes of “Zombie Sayid” seemingly acting as MIB’s evil  minion, and killing people willy nilly, without remorse, it was nice to see our Original Lost hero, return to his roots.  Not only did Sayid help Jack and crew out, by explaining to the gang the logistics of dismantling a C-4 bomb, he ultimately saved Jack, Hurley, Sawyer and Kate, by taking the bomb and running as far from them as he could get before it exploded. 

It was also nice to know that Sayid did not, in fact, murder Desmond, as MIB had originally instructed him to do.  

Before he died, Sayid instructed Jack to find Desmond where he left him in the well.   When Jack asked Sayid why the latter has chosen to tell him this, Sayid replied, “Because you’re THE ONE.”  Presumably, the statement referred to Sayid’s belief that JACK is Jacob’s ULTIMATE CANDIDATE, destined to save the island from MIB and his dastardly deeds.  So, in the honor of the redeemed Sayid, I’d hereby like to share with you, this fan-made video, demonstrating his macho, heroic, TOTALLY badass (and definitely NON-ZOMBIE like) awesomeness!

And for those Losties still alive at the conclusion of this episode, BE WARNED, the series’ second to last episode will be penned by none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff . . .

Be afraid, be VERY AFRAID!

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Anatomy of a Trailer – Knight and Day

I REALLY did not want to like this trailer!  It’s Tom Cruise — I have  kind of a personal vendetta against him.  You see, when I was a little kid, I luuuuuuved my Tom Cruise.  Because, really, back then, what was not to love?  He played a kickass fighter pilot in Top Gun, who played volleyball with his shirt off . . .

In Risky Business, he played an enterprising young high school student, with a hooker for a BFF, who danced around the house with his pants off . . .

And he played a brilliant attorney in A Few Good Men, who regrettably kept his clothes on, but still looked pretty darn good in a suit, while wiping the courtroom floor with Jack Nicholson. . .

“You can’t handle the truth . . . about what I’ve got under my shirt.”

I luuuuved Tom Cruise so much, I actually had a teddy bear named Tom Cruise, that I slept with every night.

But things started to go down hill, when Tom Cruise went and stole Joey Potter from Pacey Witter, who — anyone who has ever watched Dawson’s Creek knows — was obviously her soulmate.

Yeah, I know they were just actors reading from a script.  Whatever, it still makes me MAD!

After that, my boy Tom went all CRAZY!  Jumping on couches . . .

 . . . calling Matt Lauer “glib,” and preaching a religion that truly believes that all the world’s problems could be solved —  if only we could stop those pesky aliens from leeching onto the back of our skulls.

Needless to say, Tom and I aren’t exactly on good terms right now.  So when I heard that he had a new movie coming out this summer, I REALLY wanted to hate the trailer.  Except, I didn’t . . .  See for yourself.

(ARGH!  You know, it really dusts my doilies when movies and TV shows don’t let me embed their videos!   I’m offering you FREE PRESS, people!  If you don’t mind too much, just click on the YouTube link to watch.  Otherwise, the rest of this post won’t make much sense . . .)

Let’s analyze, shall we . . .

:10 – Cameron Diaz is looking pretty good, I must say.  Do you think she has had any work done?

:17 – Awww, look its Marc Blucas!   You may remember this guy as Buffy’s one time boyfriend, Riley Finn, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  You also might remember him as the cute, but kind of boring, other boy (the one who never ends up with the girl), in countless romantic comedies.  And from the looks of it, he’s going to play the same role here.  Don’t get too down on yourself, Marc.  We still think you look good with your shirt off . . .

:22 – Don’t you hate it when some crazy Scientologist kills everyone on your plane?

:58 – Don’t you hate it when some crazy Scientologist crashes your plane into a corn field?

1:03 – Hey, Lost fans!  It looks like Shannon isn’t dead after all.  She’s alive and well, and getting married in a Tom Cruise movie.

How pissed would Lost fans be, if the show ended up being an evil plot on the part of J.J. Abrams and Co. to convert the masses to Scientology?  What if Jacob was really L. Ron Hubbard reincarnated? 

Same color hair . . .

1:07 – I really hate to say this, but Peter Sarsgaard is starting to look kind of old.  It wasn’t so long ago, that he starred in Garden State and looked like this . . .

1:20 – Don’t you hate it when your driving on a highway, and you can’t remove that pesky Scientologist from the hood of your car?  They really need to make stronger windshield wipers for this express purpose.

1:34 – Do you realize that Cameron Diaz’s character, has just basically summarized what will likely be the ENTIRE first half of the movie for Marc Blucas’s character, in this trailer?  Talk about leaving nothing to the imagination . . .

1;48  – “I’m the guy.”  – Now that’s Classic Tom Cruise, right there!  He’s even rocking the sunglasses. 

This scene made me so happy, I might just stop calling him “the Scientologist” for the rest of this recap . .  . Maybe.

2:00 – “Nobody follows us, or I’ll kill myself, and then her.” –  Hmmmm . . . there is something wrong with this statement.  Oh, yeah, generally, already dead people CAN’T kill other people . .. unless, of course, they are Freddy Krueger, or those creepy kids from the Japanese horror movies . .

I didn’t think this was THAT kind of film . . .

2:08 – This warehouse  hiding, dual guns blazing Tom Cruise, reminds me a lot of his Mission Impossible days, no?

Sidenote:  In case you were curious, the song they played during the second half the trailer was “Uprising” by Muse.  It’s a nice addition to any iPod, in my opinion.   This is an especially good song for those of you, who have a lot of untapped rage that needs releasing . . .

Did I mention the video for the song features a tribe of Angry Teddy Bears?

It always comes back to Teddy Bears with me, doesn’t it?

So there you have it.  Knight and Day.  It seems a bit predictable.  And they definitely gave away too much of the plot in the trailer.  But it also looks fun and funny enough to convince me to refrain from making bad Scientology jokes about Tom Cruise .  . .  for a few hours, at least. 

Knight and Day hjacks theaters on June 25, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

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“The Last Recruit” a.k.a. The NOBODY-Centric, Connect-the-Dots Lost Episode

Up until this point, Lost has had more loose (and dead) ends than Bat-Sh&t Crazy Claire’s hair . . .

Someone get this girl a flat iron!

But that all changed (sort of), during this week’s nobody-centric Lost installment.  Because someone in the writing department FINALLY decided to tie together all those darn flash-sideways scenarios that have been plaguing us for weeks on end!  Here’s how they did it . . .

If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode,  heretofore mild-mannered Desmond the Time Traveling Know-It-All . . .

(Maybe HE will be able to explain this to us when it’s all over . . .)

 . . . shocked EVERYONE by running down Wheelchair Locke . . .

. . . with his car in Flash-Sideways world.  Now, most of us would agree, that purposefully mowing over paraplegic substitute teachers with your motor vehicle is not a very nice thing to do.  But as it turns out, there was a method to Desmond’s madness.   Our pal Dessie simply wanted Locke to make some new friends . . . which makes the hit-and-run TOTALLY OK!  (Seriously, Desmond?  You couldn’t have just sent the poor dude a Facebook invite?)

Anyway, massive overreaction aside, Sideways Locke is carted away in the ambulance, with his new pal, Professor Ben riding along side him.  (I thought only FAMILY was allowed to do that.  But what do I know?)

And I have to say, I am totally in LOVE with this slightly effete, curmudgeony, skittish, BIG NERD version of Ben.  The only time I could ever imagine Island Ben . . .

 . . . riding with a virtual stranger in an ambulance, is if he wanted to steal that stranger’s heart . . .

No . . . I mean LITERALLY rip out his or her heart and STEAL IT . . .

Anyway, as Locke is being wheeled into the hospital, he is met by another patient on the adjoining gurney, namely Pregnant Sun, who is accompanied into the hospital her doting Boyfriend / Baby Daddy Jin . . .

When a half-conscious Sun sees a completely unconscious Locke lying next to her, she COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT!   WHY?  Is it because a part of her remembers his evil, voice-snatching island alter ego, MIB, from another dimension?  Or is she simply shocked to learn that Mr. Clean is, in fact, a real person . . .

Later, we learn that Sun pulled through the operation, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who may or may not be named Ji-Yeon in this timeline.

Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Bromantics, Sawyer and Miles . . .

 . . . are hanging at the police station, having just arrested Running Kate.

As Sawyer interrogates Kate, the sexual tension between them sends sparks pff the screen and into your living room.  You can tell Sawyer totally just wants to handcuff Kate to the wall and make a “bad cop porno” with her.  After all, it’s not as though these two haven’t done THAT before . . .

Honestly, I kept waiting for the “bow chick a wow, wow” music to start playing in the background, and for Sawyer to take off his shirt . . .

But alas, all clothes remained disappointingly ON.  The scene wasn’t a TOTAL loss though.  Kate hinted that the reason Sawyer passively helped her to escape the FBI agent on her tail back at LAX, was that he didn’t want to call any attention to the fact that he had taken a secret impromptu trip to Australia.  Sawyer doesn’t deny this.  In fact, he tells the possibly murderous Kate, “I like YOU.”  (Well DUH!)

Cockblock Miles totally ruins the moment, however, by telling Sawyer that they have to go an arrest Bad Ass Sayid for shooting Keamy and all those other goons, who were responsible for putting Sun in the hospital.

Sayid tries to make a run for it, but Sawyer, who is cleary the BEST COP IN THE WORLD, catches and cuffs him, just like he did earlier to Kate.  The only difference here, is that Sawyer and Sayid never had Bear Cage Sex in another dimension . . .

Meanwhile, Sane ALSO Pregnant Claire . . .

 .  . .  is heading to the adoption agency to make plans to give up her baby, when she is encountered by an increasingly creepy Desmond, who, seems to have been following her since he ran into her at the airport earlier.  Desmond invites Claire  to accompany him while he goes to visit his lawyer.  Claire, though clearly SANER in this timeline, is just as STUPID as ever, and agrees to Creepy Dessie’s request.  And who’s Dessie’s lawyer, you ask?  Well, Undead (but still boring) Ilana, of course!

Turns out Ilana was LOOKING for Claire.  You see, she was having a meeting with Dr. Jack and his previously nonexistent son . . .

 . . . to read Christian Shepard’s will, which happens to mention Claire in it, because, like Dr. Jack, Pregnant Claire was also Christian’s child. 

 Unfortunately, this dysfunctional family reunion can’t last too long, because Dr. McDreamy Jack gets called away on an impromptu brain surgery (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?). He takes his son along for the ride, and asks him if he minds “hanging out” for a while.  (YEAH!  Because brain surgeries take NO TIME AT ALL!)  Of course, in case you haven’t guessed by now, Jack’s patient is none other than Locke, who Jack suddenly seems to recognize, as he observes him on the operating table.

But where the heck was HURLEY?

MEANWHILE ON THE ISLAND . . .

(1) Sawyer, Kate, Lapidus, HURLEY (There he is!), Sun, Jack, and Crazy Claire (who only got to come because Idiot Kate — who Claire recently tried to KILL — insisted that Looney Tunes be included, because she’s clearly “such a nice girl.”) . . .

“It will be like a SLEEPOVER!  We can put on mud masks (I am already wearing mine), and braid eachother’s greasy, unwashed hair!”)

 . . . anyway . . . the group ditched MIB, and hopped aboard an abandoned yacht in search of a quick and painless island escape.  Wishy Washy Jack, however, ultimately opted to jump ship and return to the island, because  . . .  who the heck knows what his crazy rationale was for doing that!  Something about the island “not being done with him yet.”  WHATEVER!  Jack obviously attends the same Island Academy of Stupid, as Kate and Claire.

“I CAN’T Leave NOW!  It took me WEEKS to establish this even of a base tan!”

(2) Even though MIB left Desmond alive in the well, Zombie Sayid, may or may not have KILLED him at MIB’s request.  I’m guessing NOT . . .  because I think there is hope for Sayid’s humanity, yet.  As the always optimistic Hurley said, “People DO come back from the darkside.  Look at Anakin!”)

“OK, Hurley.  I love you.  But maybe that was a bad example.  You DO know those were PREQUELS, right?”

(3) Jin and Sun FINALLY reunited!  

And Sun remembered how to speak English!  And at first it was SWEET, and then it got kind of nauseating . . . And then, Sawyer gave Kate this longing, unrequited love-type look, and I melted into an ooey gooey puddle all over again.

(4) Oh!  And Widmore’s Team Subbie . . .

 . . . led by Zoey (Why the heck is this mediocre actress getting SO MUCH play on this awesome show, when she is SO NOT TINA FEY?)  . . .

IMPOSTER!

 .  . . busied itself by generally being crappy to EVERYBODY.  First, it broke its promise to Sawyer’s crew, by holding it at gunpoint.  Then it BLEW UP MIB’s crew!  These guys are SO EVIL they make Crazy Claire look like Alice in Wonderland  . . .

This is a photo of Claire, after a LONG overdue visit with her personal stylist . . .

(5) MIB (possibly) secured Jack as his titular “Last Recruit.”   He did this by, first, informing him that the image of Jack’s dad — who Jack kept seeing on the island — was none other than Smokey himself;

and, then by rescuing him from being blown to bits by the Team Subbie bomb.  MIB LITERALLY carries Jack on his back to get him out of harm’s way.  “You’re with ME now,” explains MIB, as he leans (lovingly?) over a dazed Jack in the episode’s chilling final moments.  (Long term romantic relationships have begun over much LESS  . . .)

“Yes, I’ll marry. you.  But, just so you know, I DON’T DO WINDOWS!”

That’s all she wrote folks.  Tune in next week, when we will HOPEFULLY find out what happened to Sideways Hurley and Libby (if anything), as well as Island Desmond.  I’m secretly hoping they will also finally OFF that annoying Zoey character, next week, and replace her with something more exciting to watch, like, for example, paint drying on a wall  . . .

 

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Everybody Loves My Inappropriate Sense of Humor a.k.a My Thoughts on Lost’s “Everybody Loves Hugo”

“WILL ALL YOU CRAZY DEAD PEOPLE SHUT THE F UP?”  Charlie and I are trying to make a Burp Remix of ‘You All Everybody,’ and I can’t hear myself think!  Now I know how Dr. Dolittle feels . . .”

If Desmond-centric episodes represent the “Thinking Man’s Lost,” Hurley-centric episodes are the “Funny Man’s Lost.”  They generally never cover a lot of ground, storyline-wise, but rest assured, there will be a lot of laughs along the way.  Except . . . you may just find yourself feeling a bit guilty about what you are laughing at . . . (fat jokes, food jokes, jokes about people exploding into smithereens . . .)

Oh, and did I mention watching Hurley-centric episodes of Lost are a TERRIFIC excuse to get wasted?

So, here’s what I liked about the episode:

1) Ilana Goes Boom-Boom (and Bye, Bye)

Does it make me a bad person that I giggled a bit when Ilana got blown up by a randomly-placed stick of dynamite, just as she was self-righteously lecturing the Losties about following Dead Jacob’s orders?  The girl may have been Jacob’s “Candidate Protector.”  However, when it really came down to it, she ended up being nothing more than a glorified redshirt on this show. 

Did you notice how NONE of the Losties seemed remotely upset by her demise?  Talk about INSENSITIVE!  I mean, I can laugh, because I don’t really know the girl.  She’s just a random TV character to me, and a BORING one at that.  (BTW, I’m sure the actress –who is alive and well, by the way — is a lovely person . . .)  But . . . THESE GUYS?  Not even kindly HURLEY shed a tear for this one.   Maybe these uber self-absorbed folks are in HELL after all?

2) Rich Hurley, Poor Hurley – Same Difference

I loved that the writers didn’t go the typical route, and make Hurley a douche in flash-sideways world, just because he was lucky and financially successful there.  In fact, Rich Hurley was EXACTLY THE SAME as Poor Hurley, and BOTH are awesome!  I also loved how, despite all of Hurley’s great philanthropy and the accolades he received at that museum dedication ceremony made by DR. MARVIN CANDLE  . . .

Good one Lost!

Hurley’s mom still only cared about the fact that he didn’t have a girlfriend.   So typical!  Despite his immense success, Hurley was still just as insecure and nervous around girls, as always . . . ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!

Speaking of girls . . .

3) Hurley and Libby Sitting on a BEACH, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

These two were FABULOUS together, during this episode!  I loved how Libby was on a field trip away from the mental hospital, when she confronted Hurley about “knowing him in another life.” And yet, even though he didn’t remember her (at least, initially), he STILL wanted to go on a date with the loony lady!  I also loved that these two literally crazy kids FINALLY got to have their “Beach Date,” complete with an assortment of cheese (“Because everyone likes cheese,” says Hurley), and a surprisingly sexy kiss.  Said kiss was SO INTENSE, it brought back all of Hurley’s Lostie memories.  Kudos to Desmond, for making good on the promise he made during last week’s episode, to bring about the Losties’ awareness of Island World, by promoting generalized lovey-doveyness.

Speaking of Desmond . . .

4) Desmond go down the HOLE, Locke go under the CAR . . .

How PISSED did MIB look, when Desmond told him that he wasn’t afraid of him?  You just knew right then that Smokey was up to no good!  And of course, there was that WELL Smokey was showing Desmond.  If we’ve learned anything from our Lost writers, it’s that they will NEVER pass up the opportunity for a good Alice in Wonderland reference.  Down the rabbit hole, anyone?

(Speaking of scary children’s tales remade by Tim Burton, did you catch the Willy Wonka tunnel speech, in next week’s previews?)

Still gives me the chills!  No wonder Willy Wonka scared the stuffing out of me, as a kid!

So, it wasn’t particularly surprising that MIB threw Desmond down the well in Island World.  What WAS surprising, however, was that Flash-Sideways Desmond appeared to REMEMBER it!  So much so, that he didn’t have any qualms at all about running a wheelchair -bound Locke over with his car!  (Odd that the seemingly omniscient Desmond never caught on – – as everyone else on the island seemed to, instantly upon meeting him — that Nu-Locke and Old Locke weren’t the same person . . .)

“Peggy Bundy is going to be PISSED!”

By the way, did you catch how flash-sideways Ben TOTALLY thought Desmond was a major pedophile, because he found him parked in the high school parking lot, leering inappropriately?

5) Hurley takes charge!

It is HIGH TIME these Losties took Hurley, seriously!  I loved how Jack and the rest of Team Jacob (well . . . except for Miles, Ben and Richard Alpert) were willing to follow Hurley on his mission to talk to MIB, and prevent the other Losties from using the plane to leave the island.  Jack didn’t even seem to mind that much that Hurley had lied about “seeing Jacob” to get the others to go along with his plan.  Old Jack would have totally kicked his ass . . . It looks like our Man of Science has become a Man of Faith, after all!

“You’ve come a long way, BABY!”

6) From a Whisper to a Scream . . .

“There’s no place like the island, there’s no place like the island, there’s no . . . CRAP!  I’m still here!”

So, first we thought the “whispers” in the jungle were the Others.  Then, we thought it was the Smoke Monster, NOW we FINALLY know its the collective voices of dead people with “unfinished business.”  Sound familiar?

No wonder they won’t leave Hurley alone!  As far as Big Answers go, this one’s a bit cliche.  However, it DOES dovetail nicely with the rest of the Lost mythology, at least in terms of consistency.  After all, when you think about it, the WHISPERS were always heard right before a character was either about to DIE or be faced with his or her own mortality . . .  All, in all, I give the “answer”  a “B”

What I didn’t like:

1) That was it?!!!!

ONE ANSWER?  There isn’t much time left, Lost writers!  You MIGHT want to be more forthcoming with the info, in the near future!

2) Glee Robber!

OK, OK!  I guess it isn’t really Lost’s fault that the first half-hour of the season premiere of Glee coincided with this episode.  But the untenable TV conflict still made me mad enough to throw a slurpee at some ABC execs . . .

See ya next week, Losties!

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