Once Upon a Time’s Recent Reconstructive Surgery Will Render It Nearly Unrecognizable In Season 7, But It’s Far From the First Show to Go Under the Knife

(soon to be cross-posted at Agony Booth.com)

After her memorable portrayal of the earnest and refreshingly relatable Baby Houseman in the original Dirty Dancing (not to be confused with the atrocious remake that will appear on ABC this week), actress Jennifer Grey seemed destined for a long and glorious Hollywood career. And then she went and got a nose job.

Though her talent agents undoubtedly praised her new appearance as being more in line with the American Beauty Standards of the day, Grey and her new nose no longer resembled the strong-willed teen that nobody was allowed to “put in a corner.” The surgery nearly ended her career. And though the actress does occasionally appear on TV and film (most recently as the real estate agent mother of the main character in the Amazon series Red Oaks), one can’t help but wonder what might have been had she refused Hollywood pressure to go under the knife.

Television series are a bit like Jennifer Grey’s face, I think. Over time, they are naturally going to age, and evolve as seasons pass. But if they change too much, or too quickly, from what made fans like them in the first place, those changes will undoubtedly result in the series’ demise.

This past week, in a two-hour season finale that I wasn’t able to timely recap because I was overseas, Once Upon a Time closed the storybook on its sixth season. It was an episode that could have functioned as a series finale, had the show not been picked up for a seventh season. Emma Swan, the series’ main protagonist, fulfilled the Prophecy of Saviors by sacrificing her own life to protect goodness against evil, only to have her life restored at the last minute by the ever-abused Plot Band-Aid that is “True Love’s Kiss.” Rumple, the series’ on again, off again (but mostly on again) peripheral baddie, took grand steps toward redemption by killing his own mother, the Black Fairy, who also so happened to be the Big Bad of the Season. In doing so, Rumple (1) broke the curse that his Mommy placed on the town, (2) reunited with the love of his life, the much put-upon and criminally underutilized character, Belle, and (3) got a second chance to raise his son Gideon, who was conveniently reverted from troubled 28-year old man with a perma-scowl to baby boy following the final battle.

The show even went as far as to add a series-ending-esque musical montage epilogue to the finale, which depicted each of the main characters experiencing their so-called happy ending, by returning to their respective loved ones and resuming “business as usual” in the much-abused town of Storybrooke.

Had Once Upon a Time ended with its sixth season, it would have been a respectable run for the series, by any stretch of the imagination. At 133 episodes (22 to 23 per season, which is almost unheard of in this current culture of “sexy” 9-to-10 episode truncated season runs), Once boasts 12 more episodes than the uber successful and generally beloved (except for maybe it’s series finale) Lost, another ABC series that coincidentally featured the same writing team as Once.

The series is also well over the “age limit” generally required for syndication (four seasons). This means that, after Once ends, it’s pretty much guaranteed a second life in reruns and re-airings, both in the U.S. and overseas.

Up until a few weeks ago, at least, a sixth season run seemed precisely where Once Upon a Time was headed. This seemed particularly true, in the wake of news that nearly three-quarters of the original cast (most notably, Jennifer Morrison who plays main protagonist Emma, and series stars Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin, who play Prince Charming and Snow White, respectively) would not be returning to the show for future seasons. In addition to a truncated cast, the show was also struggling HARD in the ratings department. Having garnered a respectable average of around 11 million viewers per episode in its first season, by its sixth, the show was averaging less than 3 million. To add insult to injury, ABC had recently announced plans to move the series from its six-year home on Sunday nights to the dreaded Friday night death slot.

That’s right, Emma. Drink away the pain!

And yet, despite all this, the Once Upon a Time was renewed, and its showrunners decided to continue the saga for an unlikely seventh season. With virtually none of its original cast returning, the showrunners decided to pitch the season as a reboot of sorts. The plot would now focus on Emma’s son, Henry Mills (now grown, and played, understandably, by an older, and much more attractive, actor) and his scrappy daughter.

Puberty has been REALLY kind to you, Henry!

Cast veterans Lana Parilla (who plays the Evil Queen), Collin O’Donohue (who plays Captain Hook), and Robert Carlyle (who plays Rumplestiltskin) would reportedly continue on with the series, though their role in this restructured show, at least, at this point, is uncertain.

It wouldn’t be the first time that a long running show was forced to shift gears in later seasons, as a result of cast member departures and/or flagging ratings. Medical drama ER (which lasted on air for a whopping 15 seasons), and its contemporary Hot Doc Show, Grey’s Anatomy (still going strong after an impressive 13 seasons) have both made a point of casually introducing new cast members each season by cycling through classes of medical interns. This is a clever way for a show to test out the likability of new cast members on a smaller scale, and, if they pass the ratings test, gradually increasing their roles on the series, so that they can eventually take the place of primary cast members, should they eventually decide to depart from the series. To date, only four of the original Grey’s Anatomy cast members still remain on the show.

Perhaps, no series has been more successful at cycling through cast members than the Canadian high school drama, Degrassi, which has been on air in some form since as early as 1982! Using a similar model to Greys and ER, Degrassi is known for introducing a new class of freshman students each year, and gradually shifting focus toward those students, as older characters graduate from high school, and the cast members who play them depart the show. In fact, Degrassi has been shuffling cast members for so long that some of its original cast members now play the middle-aged parents of characters who recently graduated from college, and subsequently were married to one another. And you know what that means . . . Degrassi Grandparents aren’t out of the realm of possibility in seasons to come.

Other series have been forced to make abrupt changes in their main cast lists, as a result of the sudden departures of series’ protagonists. Pitched as a family drama revolving around a father raising teenage daughters, and based on a book with the same name, 8 Simple Rules, had to switch some pretty serious gears after its first season, following the untimely death of John Ritter, who played the show’s patriarch. David Spade and James Garner were brought on for the show’s final two seasons as family members’ of the main characters.

Spin City a sitcom about the goings on in NYC local government lost its star Michael J. Fox after four seasons, as a result of the increased severity of his Parkinson’s disease. Fox was replaced by Charlie Sheen, who played a different character, naturally, for the series’ final two seasons.

Sheen went on to star alongside John Cryer on Two and a Half Men, which lasted for 12 seasons on air. Coincidentally, this time, it was Sheen’s turn to depart a successful series, as a result of his own misbehavior and issues with substance abuse, around season 8. Sheen was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, as a series co-lead. The latter’s tenure on the show lasted for four seasons, and ended only when the series was cancelled in 2015.

The aforementioned series are all shining examples of moderately to majorly successful cast member replacements. And it was these examples the showrunners’ of Once Upon a Time undoubtedly cited in the writers’ room, when they were pitching the idea of continuing their series without most of the original cast.

However, unlike all of these shows, Once has not had the opportunity to gradually introduce or test out its new leading cast members, Andrew J. West of The Walking Dead and Alison Fernandez of Jane the Virgin. (Though both characters were featured in the series finale, they had a combined screen time of less than five minutes.) And while three of the original cast members still plan to continue on with the series, in order to provide some consistency and appease loyal fans, the veterans’ chemistry with the new additions to the cast still remains a question mark, as the two new additions to the cast appeared in scenes only with one another during the finale.

Regina: “Who is the new hot guy with the little girl?” Emma: “I think that’s supposed to be our son and his kid.” Regina: “So, basically, in the last five seconds, I just learned I’m a grandparent at 40. I also inadvertently expressed attraction to my own child. So much to talk about in my next therapy session with Jiminey Cricket.”

Nonetheless, the showrunners of Once remain cautiously optimistic about the new direction in which the show is headed in its seventh season. “It’s like a new book. So, we’re starting with new stories. Although it’s going to have some of the people that we’ve loved for six years at the center of it, we are going to meet new people and new worlds,” Executive producer Adam Horowitz explained in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly.

New people. New worlds. New time slot. New cast members. In fact, the series name will be just about the only thing Once Upon a Time will retain this fall from its first six seasons. But new and different doesn’t always mean better, as Jennifer Grey’s nose will most certainly confirm. And so Once Upon a Time has headed to hiatus, leaving fans with the greatest cliffhanger of all. Will this series will be able to survive its forced reconstructive surgery, and obtain it’s long awaited Happily Ever After in Syndication Land? Only time will tell . . .

Would you like fangs with that? – A Recap of the Pilot Episode of MTV’S Teen Wolf

Is this a TV show, or a REALLY long commercial for Axe body spray?

A few months back, I previewed the trailer for MTV’s Teen Wolf, a sort-of new take on a VERY old comedy film of the same name that starred Michael J. Fox.  Last night, after MTV’s Shamless Promotion of All Things Twilight Movie Awards, I managed to catch the show’s premiere episode.  But just in case YOU didn’t, here’s what happened . .  .

It was a dark and stormy night . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one, before.)

“When they told me I was going to get a cameo role in a new teen drama, I didn’t think this was what they meant.”

Meet “typical high school student, from a small sleepy town,” Scott McCall, and his half-naked torso . . .

I vaguely recall glibly remarking, when I first watched the trailer for this show, that the main character was shirtless for about three-quarters of the scenes featured in the promo; and that this was most likely a nasty case of false advertising.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I stand corrected.  Suffice it to say that our new pal Scott never met a shirt he liked very much.  Fortunately, he has the body to pull it off.  (Pun intended.)

Anywhoo, we interrupt our regularly scheduled program of Naked Pull-Ups by Scott, to bring you this Very Important News Flash:  There’s a STRANGE NOISE Coming from Outside!

So concerned is Scott about this Strange Noise that he must put on clothing to investigate.  And we all know how much Scott hates wearing clothes.  With his trusty bat in hand, Scott slowly creeps outside, so as not to alert the Thing That Goes Bump in the Night that he’s coming.  It is not until he reaches the edge of his front porch, that he learns the source of the Strange Noise.  Brace yourselves, kiddies!  Because the Strange Noise is coming from . . .

AHHHHHH! It’s the Upside-Down QuirkyBest Friend / Insertion of Comic Relief!  Wow, they really had me going for a minute there.  And by “really had me going,” I mean “didn’t have me going at all.”

Upside-Down Quirky Best Friend has a name.  It’s “Stiles.”  Why is it that the quirky best friends always have the cool names, like “Boner,” “Cockroach,” and “Stiles,” while the “heroes” always have run-of-the-mill names, like “Mike,” “Adam,” and “Scott?” These are things I think about WAY too often.

Stiles’ dad is the Chief of Police in the Sleepy Town of Beacon Hills, where Scott and Stiles live.  After doing some snooping, Stiles learns that the police found HALF a dead body in the woods.  So, he thinks it would be a SWELL idea for him and Scott to go Corpse Hunting.  Though clearly reluctant to interrupt his fun-filled evening of Naked Chin-Ups and Admiring His Own Hot Body, Scott ultimately agrees to accompany his friend into the Dark and Evil Forest in search of Trouble with a Capital “T.”

“Bet you can’t do THIS, Naked Chin-up Boy!  Weeeeeeeeee!”

I should perhaps mention now that our hero uses an inhaler.  This, of course, is meant to show that, at least prior to The Change, Scott has “Human Limitations.”  Either that, or the producers just like watching him blow and suck . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ Corpse Hunting Excursion doesn’t last long.   Stiles dad promptly finds his son in the woods, and drags him home by his ear.   Nice going, DAD!  Way to poop on your son’s CSI fantasies!  Fortunately (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at these things), Scott has managed to evade capture.  His cunning is awarded, when he is ALMOST STAMPEDED TO DEATH BY A CAVALRY OF BAD CGI GRAPHICS FRIGHTENED WOODLAND CREATURES!!

As this was a surprisingly DARK show, in the sense that there was hardly any LIGHT on the screen at all, I couldn’t manage to secure a solid screencap of the Stampede Scene.  Suffice it to say, it looked a little something like THIS . . .

Though Scott’s head miraculously manages to escape the melee, unsquashed by hooves, the stampede does happen to nab his inhaler, during their escape.  Using his cell phone as a flashlight, Scott combs the woods for his inhaler, but instead finds the chewed-up female pictured above.  Though she kind of looks like an inhaler . . . and, in her previous incarnation, Scott may have liked to suck on her, she is woefully too large to fit in our hero’s mouth. 

(Yes, I recognize this joke was in VERY bad taste.  My apologies.)

And just when you think this night can’t get any worse for our hero . . . HEEEEEEEEEEERRREEEE’S WEREWOLF!

Wolfy tackles Scott, taking a sizeable chunk out of his insanely well-defined abs.  However, it ultimately chooses not to cut our hero IN HALF, like his last victim, because . . . well . . . that would make doing Naked Chin-ups WAYYYY too easy for him, now wouldn’t it?

“Dude!  Take it from someone who knows!  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor, STAT!”

“I concur!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the minute Scott escapes the werewolf, he is ALMOST HIT BY A CAR! 

“You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have made some cracks about how UTTERLY MORONIC it was of Scott to go home, put some gauze on his tummy, and go to bed, rather than heading STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL, for some heavy-duty rabies shots.  However, given the CRAP night Scott, had, I can understand why he just wanted to call it an evening. 

After all, had he gone to the hospital, with his luck, the doctor on-call would probably have confused him with the patient next door, who was suffering from gangrene of the weiner. . .

“Hi, nice to meet you!  My name is Love Interest . . . er . . . I mean Allison.”

It’s the first day of school.  We learn immediately, that, despite his penchant for Naked Chin-Ups, and the fact that he sort-of, kind-of, resembles Taylor Lautner, Scott is NOT popular.  We know this instantly, because he (gulp) RIDES HIS BIKE TO SCHOOL!  Later on, in the episode, we see Stiles pick up Scott in his car, and we can’t help but wonder why the former doesn’t drive his pal to school in the morning to spare him this cruel indignity. 

Quirky Best Friend FAIL!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Stiles than adds insult to injury, by telling Scott that it is HIS fault that Stiles isn’t popular either.  “I’ve been Scarlet Nerded by you,” says Stiles.  (That’s funny.  I thought Stiles was unpopular, because he keeps interrupting Naked Chin-Up Time.)

In class, we get our first sign that Scott is going through “The Changes,” when he hears a cell phone ringing from OUTSIDE the school, as well as the ENTIRE conversation that takes place thereon.  I’ll admit that the whole “superhuman hearing” thing confused me a bit.  Why do certain sounds seem EXTREMELY loud to Scott (like this phone call, and his coach’s whistle, later in the episode), while others don’t?  For example, if Scott could hear telephone conversations made 100 or so meters away outside, wouldn’t closer sounds, like the breathing of his own fellow classmates, drive him insane?  Science geeks out there, feel free to help me out with this one . . .

Regardless of how or why Scott was able to hone in on New Girl Allison’s cell phone conversation, it ended up helping him out BIG time, when he overheard that she brilliantly arrived at school without a pen.  (She’s a real world-beater, this one!)  Let that be a lesson to you boys, ALWAYS carry an extra pen between your legs in your pocket. 

“Drink the Kool-Aid, Allison!”

After class, Scott is once again able to ignore the conversation his friends are having RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, and, instead, focus on the conversation Allison is having with the Popular Kids, who are trying to make her join their Cool Clique, because she is hot.  Allison doesn’t seem interested in being Popular, however. 

I assume this is supposed to make us like her/ relate to her more.  But I just didn’t buy it.  After all, when you are the new kid at school, ALL you want to do is make friends . . . any friends.  And if you can manage to befriend the kind of kids that are going to make your life easier in high school, you DO IT, no matter how big of jackasses those kids ultimately end up being.  Just sayin’.  Anyway, Allison looks longingly at Scott from across the hallway.  Eye f*&king ensues . . .

“I would very much like to devour the bottom half of your body, and leave the top half in the woods for dumb high school kids to find.”

“I didn’t know werewolves played lacrosse?”

School’s over.  And it’s time for the First Lacrosse Practice.  Every student who’s not on the team seems to be in the stands, which makes me wonder whether Beacon Hills High has any other sports / extracurriculars, or if it’s just a One Team Town.  The Lacrosse Coach is WAY TOO energetic and has an obnoxiously nasal voice!   He reminds me of what I imagine a used car salesman on crack would sound like.  It works for him, though . . .

“CRACK IS WHACK . . . BUT TASTY!”

“My whole life has been spent sitting on the sidelines,” Scott whines to his bestie Stiles.  Get it?  SIDELINES?  It’s a SPORTS METAPHOR!

But Scott’s not going to sit on the sidelines today!  No sir!  He’s going to sit in the GOAL . . .

He does this, based on his Oh-So-Supportive Coach’s theory that he’ll suck so bad at defending the space, that it will give the other players the confidence they need to start the season off right . . .

Things get off to kind of a bad start, when Scott, deafened by the ear-splitting sound of Coach’s whistle, becomes distracted, and takes a shot right in the head.    After that, however, his werewolf abilities kick in, and he catches EVERYTHING thrown at him, like he was BORN to play goalie.  This does not please Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, AT ALL!  In fact, it makes him SO MAD that he homoerotically slams Scott into the lockers, and asks him where he’s getting his “juice?”

“I REALLY want to kiss you, right now.”

“My mom does all the grocery shopping,” responds the completely innocent to the World of Roid Rage, Scott.  When Scott then comically starts monologue-ing to his rival about all the weird stuff that’s been happening to him since his werewolf bite, Jackson thinks the Unpopular Kid is making fun of him.  And so, like any cliched villain, Jackson utters THIS classic line, “There’s something going on with you, and I’M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS.”  (Are you trembling with fear?   Because I’m trembling with fear . . .)

Who’s afraid of the Hot Bad Wolf?

After school, Stiles and Scott go back to the woods to retrieve Scott’s inhaler, and to get another glimpse of the corpse version of Venus Di Milo . . .

But, lo and behold, the body is GONE!

In it’s place is Wolf Man, Derek Hale.  He glowers and smoulders a bit, making some remarks about this being “private property,” before tossing Scott his inhaler, and walking off into the sunset. 

“Hey Derek, what’s with ALL the clothes?  I thought our kind liked to be naked all the time . . . Maybe that’s just me.”

Stiles explains that Derek is a few years older than they are, and that his whole family died in a fire, ten years ago.  How convenient!

Speaking of convenient . . .

Scott McCall – Dog Whisperer / Lady Killer

Did I mention that new-ANIMAL Scott works at an animal clinic?  Did I also mention that all the non-canine animals sheltered there now seem deathly afraid of him?  Gee, I wonder why?

It’s yet another “dark and stormy night.”  There’s a knock on the animal clinic door.  It’s Allison.  She’s wet . . . and sad.  Apparently, she hit some cuddly little puppy with her car.  Does it have an owner, one who’s worried sick about its absense?  Nobody seems to know or care . . . not when it gets in the way of Flirtation and Foreplay. 

Though Allison was somehow able to get the dog that she ran over into the backseat of her car, now, conveniently, she can’t touch it, because it is too angry and snarly.  Enter Magical Scott, and his Mesmeric Dog Whispering Eyes of Lust . . .

All of the sudden, Puppy could care less about having his leg flattened by the car of some random pretty girl.  He (or she) is in LOVE!  (And Scott didn’t even have to take off his shirt to obtain this result.  Go figure!)

“Take me to your Naked Chin-Up Bar, and show me your biscuit.”

As it turns out, unpopular as he may be at school, Scott is quite the little charmer with the ladies and the dogs.  Ever the smooth operator, Scott wraps Puppy’s wound, while telling Allison that he TOO would have CRIED, if he ran over a dog with his car.  (Wimp!)   He then helps Allison gather up the courage to pet Puppy’s fur.

“See?  He likes you,” whispers Scott.  (And by “he” I mean, “My Weiner.’)

Scott then pulls the “you have something on your face” trick, so that he can gently caress Allison’s cheek.  And if I wasn’t so impressed by how ridiculously good Scott is at this, I’d be truly nauseated by this entire conversation. 

Given how many points Scott has already scored in the “Get Into New Girl’s Pants” Game, it should be absolutely NO surprise to anybody that, when he asks her out to a party (to which (1) he was never actually invited; and (2) when SHE was initially invited, she lied and said she had Family Night) she agrees, before he can even finish his sentence.  Well played, Teen Wolf!

We end the evening with an at LEAST Half-Naked, if not MORE, Scott jerking off blissfully staring at the Full Moon rising outside his bedroom window.  (Uh OH!)

More Naked Scott (YAY!) More Obligatory Lacrosse Scenes (BOO!)

The next morning, Scott wakes up in the woods, with no idea how he got there.  And so, he frolics around half-naked for a while (which is WAY more fun than Naked Chin-ups!), and takes a quick dip in the neighbor’s pool . . .

The whole scene was about two minutes long, and had no plot significance, whatsoever.  And yet, it was my favorite part of the entire Pilot Episode.  Hmmm . . . interesting. 😉

At Lacrosse tryouts, Scott, not surprisingly, kicks ass again, this time, on offense.  When the Coach tells Scott he’s made the team’s starting lineup, everyone in the stands gets up and cheers, making me wonder if they too have wolf-sensitive hearing.  But Quirky Best Friend Stiles is concerned that his friend’s sudden sports prowess is “unnatural.” And so he takes a page out of the Bella Swan Book of Plot Explanation, and Googles “Werewolves” . . .

Stiles forces a very annoyed Scott, who is just hours away from his Date with Destiny Allison, to come over to his house so that he can explain this particular television show’s werewolf mythology warn his friend that he is now a werewolf.   In other words, from now on, but especially during a Full Moon, Scott is at high risk of becoming a bloodthirsty monster, any time he gets angry or sexually aroused. 

“First you interrupt my Naked Chin-Ups, and now THIS!  You are the BIGGEST . . . COCKBLOCK . . . EVER!”

Scott does not exactly take this news well.  And Stiles’ attempt to call Allison, on his friend’s behalf, to cancel their date, gets him even MADDER.  I smell another SEXY WALL SLAM!

“I am so turned on by you, right now.”

Scott quickly apologizes for his animal-like behavior, but it doesn’t stop him from going on his date with Allison.  After Scott leaves, Stiles notices to his horror, that at some point during the Sexy Wall Slam, Scott managed to CLAW THE CRAP out of Stiles’ desk chair.  Oops!

Scott McCall – Party ANIMAL!

We are treated to a few more Obligatory Shirtless Scott Shots, as our hero’s mom engages in conversation with him, while he prepares for his date.  She made some comment about him not getting his new girlfriend knocked up.  However, I can’t really tell you the specifics of what she said.  I was too busy staring at THE ABS.

At the party, things are going quite well between Allison and Scott.   They are grinding up one another, all close and sexy.  And EVERYBODY is taking notice.  (Remember, Scott is a SPORTS STAR, NOW!  No more being Scarlet Nerded for him!)

Clearly, Alpha Male Douchebag is not that good of a kisser.

But then Scott starts getting SEXUALLY AROUSED, and the TRANSFORMATION begins.  He rudely rushes out of the party, leaving poor Allison stranded, as he speeds back home, in his mom’s car.  (First Date FAIL!)  Fortunately, Hot Derek Hale is there to drive Allison home.  So, what if he’s SO OBVIOUSLY the werewolf who bit Scott?  Who cares that he literally CHEWED OFF A WOMAN’S ASS, prior to the start of the episode?  Mommy LIKES Derek Hale, A LOT!

Hey Derek, just so you know, you can eat my ass, ANYTIME!

Back in Were-Puberty Land, Scott is in his bathroom, and, SURPRISE, he’s taken off his shirt again, and gone to sit in the shower.  That’s when the cliched ugly wolf fingernails start to sprout . . .

Either Quirky Best Friend Stiles is a TOTAL stalker, or he was expecting this to happen all along. (Thanks Google!)  Because, the minute Scott is out of the shower, Stiles is at his door, telling him he still loves his pal, even though he’s a Beast in Desperate Need of a Manicure.  Scott inquires about Allison.  And Stiles informs him that his girlfriend went home with Derek Hale.  (So, I guess we are supposed to assume that Stiles was invited to the party too?)

Knowing exactly WHAT Derek is now, and the terrible things of which he is capable, a Wolfy-Headed Scott rushes into the forest to find Derek, while Stiles runs to Allison’s house (How did he know where she lived?) to make sure she still has legs.  Fortunately, Allison is OK.  The same can’t really be said for Scott, who looks like THIS now . . .

Scott runs into Derek.  And he’s all “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?  WAH!!!!!”

And Derek’s all, “You have a wonderful GIFT now.   I am your were- ‘brother.’  I will teach you how to survive and control your sexual urges.  We are going to bone so many hot chicks, together. Blah, Blah, Blah.”

Then, the Evil Hunters arrive and start shooting darts at poor Scott.  (Phallic imagery, anyone?)  Those bastards would have killed him too, if Derek didn’t go all BIG BAD WOLF on their lowly human asses.  (Like I said, I WANT ME some Derek, BIG TIME!)

The next day, Stiles picks up Scott for in his car.  (Sure, NOW he does it!)

I’ll admit that Stiles makes me fall in love with him a bit, when he tells Scott that he will help him cope with his Little Werewolf Problem. Mr. Sidekick is even willing to go as far as to chain Scott up in his basement during Full Moons (sounds kinky) and feed him mice (sounds gross), if he has to do so.  Now, THAT is true friendship!

Speaking of people who are unrealistically forgiving of Scott, Allison seems not nearly as peeved as she should be about Teen Wolf bailing on their First Date, and leaving her to get a ride home with the Hot Serial Killer.  In fact, all it takes is one puppy dog look from Scott, and Allison is already agreeing to Date 2.  Then, Allison’s dad comes to pick her up from school.  And I bet you will never guess what HIS occupation is . . .

.  . . Oh, that’s right.  He’s an EVIL WEREWOLF HUNTER!

And THAT was the Pilot Episode of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, for more Obligatory Shirtless Shots of Scott, Wacky Stiles’ Antics, and Smouldering Derek Hale Hotness.

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Teen Wolf: The Television Series, a.k.a. MTV’S Latest Attempt to Cash in on our Love Affair with All Things Supernatural (and Shirtless)

Having pretty much given up entirely on showing actual Music Videos, and having already cornered the market on “unscripted” reality series featuring all the young adults your parents didn’t let you hang out with when you were a kid . . .

 . . . MTV has decided to try its hand on “scripted” television series , that are ripped off from inspired by OTHER successful shows and films.  MTV’s most recent attempt at scripted fare, Skins, based on a critically acclaimed British series of the same name, was intially met with a whole lotta buzz-worthy controversy.  Unfortunately, that controversy ultimately did not translate into ratings or advertising revenue.

Now, MTV has found a new target: Fangbangers, i.e. the same teens and young adults who have helped shows like The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Being Human achieve cult status, the world over.  People like ME, and, I suspect, like YOU.

MTV’s Teen Wolf may share it’s name with a certain 80’s comedy film starring Michael J. Fox . . .

However, based on my review of the trailer — and the little bit of research I’ve done on the series, in general — the show actually seems to have a lot more in common with the recent onslaught of supernatural television series, than with any movie in which the so-called “Evil Beast” bears a striking resemblance to the “Teddy Bear I Still Sleep with at Night.”

There is no shame in Teddy Bears!  OK?  They don’t snore.   They don’t drool.  And they NEVER hog the blankets.

(In fact, Teen Wolf is actually SHOT right outside of Atlanta, Georgia, just a few miles from the set of The Vampire Diaries.  So, if you do happen to catch a vampire roaming across your screen, while watching the new series, you’ll know why . . .)

Now THOSE are some SEXY extras!

Teen Wolf stars Tyler Posey as Scott McCall, the wolfy adolescent, in question . . .

For those of you who remember Tyler as “the cute kid from that awful Maid in Manhattan movie, starring J Lo” . . .

 . . . be prepared to feel like a Big Ole Dirty Lech, because he’s SUPER hot now.  And, if the trailer is any indication,  he’s also at least partially NAKED for at least THREE-QUARTERS of the series!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

“Scott’s story” is neither complex, nor particularly original.  (Then again, judging by what you just saw above, does it really have to be?) To make a not-all-that long story, even shorter, our protagonist is a fairly run-of-the-mill high school student, living a, more-or-less, unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where he doesn’t get out much, and, probably never gets laid. 

 “How do I KNOW all this about Scott?”  You ask.

Well, let’s put it this way . . .  if you DIDN’T live an unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where you don’t get out much, and never get laid, would you REALLY think it was a good idea, upon finding something like THIS, in the woods . . .

. . . to go out LOOKING for it’s chewed up and spit out OTHER HALF?

But go out and look, Scott does!  And I bet you’ll never guess what happens next . . .

That’s right boys and girls!  Scott get “mysteriously” bitten by a “Strange Creature.” [Insert Evil Laugh here.]  As a result, our Studly Man Child is left with a gnarly, but oddly attractive, gash on his toned little tummy.

Don’t worry, Scott.  Chicks DIG scars!

It’s time to bring on the Supernatural Teen Show About a Kid with Strange Powers Cliches!  Like, for example, the  Modelesque Love Interest (played here by Crystal Reed), who is somehow unaware of how modelesque she is, and is, therefore, still a Really Nice Person who’s “fun” and “oddly quirky” . . .

They are probably going to meet in class.  And he’s probably going to let her borrow his pen, while they engage in their Very First Eye F*&K . . .

And they called it “Puppy Love” . . .

The soon-to-be-couple is then going to probably have an Adorably Awkward (yet undeniably sexually tense) Conversation that is unfortunately interrupted by the arrival of Modelesque Love Interest’s Major Asshat of a Dad . . .

In this particular show, it looks like Dad may be the Major Villain of the story, leading his Red Neck Gang of Wolf Killers in a season- long game of Catch the Protagonist . . .

Rounding out this cast of characters will be the Sweet, but Dorky, Male Friend, who exists solely to (1) offer up mildly funny one-liners; (2) provide geeky insider information about Scott’s “condition” (discovered mostly through internet searching); and (3) illustrate first-hand just how much Scott has “changed” since his transformation, from the loveable loser that Sweet but Dorky, Male Friend once adored to . . . Roid Rage Man.

Also, let’s not forget the Alpha Male Douchebag, (Colton Haynes) who, deep down, has a heart of gold, and, probably a rich stuck up dad, who verbally (if not, physically) abuses him . . .

Wikipedia refers to this character as Scott’s “friend, Jackson.”  That, admittedly, would be a bit of a twist on the old formula.

We’ve also got the Popular, Kind of Slutty Girl, who’s Really Just Insecure .  . .

Then again, they can also turn this formula on its head, and make her the “Pining Gal Pal who’s Actually the Main Character’s Soulmate.”  (The verdict is still out on this one, since she only appeared for about a second in the trailer.)

And finally, we have the Wolf Version of Damon Salvatore, and, to a lesser extent, Eric Northman . . .

This is Derek Hale (played by Tyler Hoechlin a.k.a. That Kid Who Used to Be on 7th Heaven.). 

He’s the wolf who bit Scott “for fun.”  He also always wears black, considers wolfishness to be a “gift that keeps on giving,” refers to Scott as his “brother,” and, more or less, just seems to KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS, and be a whole lot more awesome (not to mention, hotter) than the main male character.

Sound like anybody ELSE you know?

Now, that we’ve got the characters down, let’s run through some obligatory scenes we will MOST definitely see on this show, shall we?  We’ve got the Sports Scenes (to appease our  straight male viewers .  . . or . . . perhaps I should say . . . straight male viewer?).  . .

 . . . the Sexy House Party with the Top 40 Soundtrack, that starts off Awesome, until Everything Inevitably Goes Wrong . . .

 . . . We’ve got the probably disappointing Jaw-Dropping First Transformation, which ALWAYS starts with the development of Dirty Yellow Fingernails  . . .

(Why IS that, anyway?  I’ve never EVER met a canine with fingers like that!)

 . . . and ends with the Must-Have Glowing Yellow Eyes.

Top it off with a few Well-Choreographed Matrix-Type Fight Scenes . . .

 . . . and a dollop of Supernatural Sex . . .

. . . and you’ve got yourself a HIT Series (maybe)!

But don’t take my word for it.  Watch the trailer and see for yourself.

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtv.com:636898

Teen Wolf – MTV Shows

Teen Wolf is set to “transform into something hairy” on MTV on June 5, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

July 4th Movie Quote Contest (a.k.a. The post my lazy butt came up with at the last minute, because I drank too much on July 4th)

Have you ever noticed how there is nothing AT ALL to watch on television during the entire July 4th weekend?  Case in point:  Earlier this evening, I was flipping through channels in search of decent programming.  The viewing selection on my small screen was SO bad, that I actually watched an infomercial . . . on a motor scooter for the elderly . . . for a full half hour.  It was only 10 p.m.

Four glasses of wine in my belly, and I was actually about to purchase this . . . another two glasses, and I would have bought a spare one for my pet cat.

But you know what DOESN’T suck during July 4th weekend?  MOVIES!

July 4th weekend is a time when film production companies tend to release their highest budget films, in hopes of scoring big at the box office, and, thereby, achieving that much coveted “blockbuster” status.  It is also a time when television networks tend to air some of Hollywood’s most successful blockbusters, during prime time hours.  Networks tend to do this because (1) why bother putting out new content, when everyone is too sunburned and beer-logged to watch it; and (2) the few people who ARE watching are so happy to find something decent on television to watch and so very drunk, they won’t care at all that it’s a movie they have already seen 25 times.

For this reason and because I have had too much to drink to be genuinely creative, I have decided to run a little informal contest / game here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  The winner gets . . . well . . . to be honest, the winner gets nothing, because I don’t have anything to give him or her.

However, having a contest win of any kind under your belt WILL provide you with massive “street cred” on the blogosphere, not to mention something to brag about at all your upcoming July 4th parties!

OK . . . Here’s how the game works.  Got a pen and paper handy?

Good!

I’m going to show you a YouTube video featuring 100 famous movie quotes.  As you watch the video, jot down as many movies and quote-uttering actors as you recognize.  Then, tally up your points.  You get one point for each movie you correctly identify, and one point for each actor. 

And remember NO CHEATING!  If I hear later from your friends that you paused this video and started trolling around IMDB for the answers, I am going to find out your home address, and personally mail this to it . . .

Don’t think I won’t do it, either! 

If you’d like, feel free to comment here on how many points out of the possible 200 you received.  If not, don’t worry, I won’t be insulted . . .

 .  . . well, maybe I’ll be a little insulted.  But I’ll get over it.

This would actually be a pretty cool game to play with your friends on July 4th, assuming the party you are attending is extremely lame.  Additionally, I’m pretty sure there is a way to turn this into a drinking game.  I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it yet.  (Your suggestions in that regard, of course, are welcome too.)

So, without further adieu, here are 100 famous movie quotes in under four minutes . . . Good luck!

(At some point, I MIGHT add a comment to this post that includes the “answers” to this game.  Until then, you are on the honor system.  And remember, I’ll be WATCHING YOU!)

 Happy July 4th, everyone!