Tag Archives: Michael Raymond James

“Excuse me, we’re feeling a little crispy up here!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Finale “And When I Die”

So, I was thinking of making a life-sized sculpture of this image, and putting it in my living room as a coat rack.  (I’d only actually hang coats on the Bill side, of course.)

Greetings Fangbangers!  Can you believe another season of True Blood has already come and gone?  It seems like only yesterday that Sookie was off playing with the fairies . .  .

 . . . and Baby Vamp Jessica was still dating Hoyt . . .

 . . . and half the characters on this show were STILL ALIVE . . .

3/8 of the people in this picture no longer have beating hearts for Eric Northman to yank out and sip on . . .


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But, of course, it wasn’t yesterday.  It was twelve weeks ago.  And A LOT has changed since then (most of it in the last hour of the season).

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So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .

(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)

I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs .  . .

“PLEASE STOP!  I promise I’ll scramble them next time!” 

Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning.  He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs.   Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .

“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?” 

Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by.  But still, Lala does not respond.  So, Jesus just sadly kisses him.  But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN .  . .

“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala?  Because that sh*t is RANK!” 

It smells like WITCHIPOO!

“Dammit!  I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth.  So STUPID!”

Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all.  OH NO!  Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED!  Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair.  Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps?  I’m thinking not . . .

“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know.  Because I really want to go grab my hat.” 

But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .

Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.

“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.” 

Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy.  What else is new?

 

You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years.  And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .

Yeah, that’s really gross.  Sorry about that.  I tried to help, by making it smaller . . . 

Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately.  And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence.  Nope.  She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.

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Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids.  You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something.  Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .

Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara.  (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”)  You see . . . Sookie?  She’s the main character of the show.  She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her.  But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you.  And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .

Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?

“Poor Tommy Boy!  I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”

A word of warning, Kiddies!  This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up.  The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them.  In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .

In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.

Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time.  It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.

“YEAH!  Take that, Mom!” 

Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own.  Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5.  Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season  . . .

“Motherly love?  Who needs motherly love?  I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!” 

After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.

“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna?  Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman?  I’ve really always wanted to bang her.” 

Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again.  Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .

Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .

Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .

“Well, this feels familiar.  But hey!  At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers.  So . . . PROGRESS!” 

Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess.  And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense.  You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .

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“Would you like me to draw you a diagram, Hoyt?  Because I could draw you a diagram.” 

Then, Hoyt starts kicking Jason’s ass, like . . . a lot . .  . and Jason just sits back and takes it.  Because, I guess that’s what friends are for too . . .

“If you were planning to have sex with my ex-girlfriend, the least you could have done was invited me over for a threesome.  That’s what your SISTER would do!” 

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In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks.  I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .

Oh, don’t you worry, Jason!  Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉 

That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood.  (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps?  Well, it is!)

“My what a big penis popsicle stick you have!” 

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“The better to poke you with, my dear.”

She wants to screw!  So, they do!  And it’s GOOD!

Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?” 

Meow?

After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something.  And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was.  Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things).  It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt.  And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .

“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.” 

Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it.  But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it.  He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex.  Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!

I never said he had good taste . . . 

To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy  . . .

“Come on, people!  You know you want a piece of this!”

Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door.  And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night.  But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door.  It’s THIS GUY. . .

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That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!

So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself?  I don’t know.  And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out.  But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease?  After all, this IS a Halloween episode.  And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the  stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.

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Just a thought . . .

You Killed JESUS!  You Bastard!

“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this?  This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in!  Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap?  It’s giving me a wedgie.  Plus, I’m in SCRUBS!  No one should have to die in scrubs .  . . SO UNFLATTERING!” 

Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power.  But Jesus is not down with that.  He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .

Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium.  And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from!   Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again.  And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!

BEEEEEEEEEELLLL  JEESSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSS!”

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  Thanks for coming, though!

So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards.  Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet.  But here’s the weird thing.  It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit?  Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?

Pretty in Purple

Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me.  I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat .  . .

Speaking of weird outfits . . .

Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!

So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season?  It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK!  Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.

And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day.  He was Tommy.  So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween.  Sounds like a fair trade, right?   I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right?  (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that?  Never mind then . . .)

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By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene?  Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .

Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town.  At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition.  Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .

 . . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .

. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .

Sookie didn’t take it though.  Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC.  More on that later.  Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer.  He just got a call from one of his construction workers.  Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left.  I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?

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That’s right, boys and girls.  Big Bad King Russell is back in action!  Hide your newscasters!

The question is, which vampire was desperate enough to break him out, when so few people knew where he was buried in the first place?  Well . . . I have one idea.  And you’re not going to like it . . .

Pam is SUPER TIRED of Sookie’s Fairy Vag . . .(Wouldn’t YOU be, if you were her?)

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You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4.  Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .

Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)

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I don’t mean to be a hater.  But Pam CRIED TOO MUCH, THIS SEASON.  That’s SO not Bad Ass . . . just sayin’.

Because, rest assured, Pam definitely needed a hug.  I just hope she didn’t take all that pent up anger and use it to shoot a rocket launcher at Sookie . . .

 .  . . to do something crazy, like free Russell Edgington.  Because Eric would REALLY never forgive her for that one . . .

While we are on the subject of murderers . . .

When Your SERIAL KILLER Ghost Boyfriend Tells You to Be Afraid . . .

 . . .  BE VERY AFRAID! 

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(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)

Surprise!  All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .

So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended.  Even more surprising, he’s being NICE!  He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY .  . . FAST . . .

“Wait . . . why am I hugging you?  You’re the one he’s talking about!” 

Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said.   Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever.  I kind of take that meaning literally.  After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country.  He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it.  What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween .  . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.

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In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry.  And he seems to be pretty darn hot.  How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .

Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?

All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance?  FAIL!

That’s better!

Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight.  She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary.  HAHA!

“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”

Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore.  And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo.  (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!)  So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth.  Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.

“I only make constipated faces, because I care.” 

At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?).  Sound familiar?

And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .

Ah!  The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love!  So sweet!

The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt.  You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.

“Shhhh!  Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!” 

Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I?  id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB?  Well, he/she did!

“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?”  Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?”  In that case, hey Sookie!  Get a load of my HOT ROD!” 

Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks  out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh!  Boring!  A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo!  Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)

“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.” 

Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time.  I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.

Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.”  And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .

. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .

. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face.  And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?

So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires.  And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .

Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES
WITH THAT HAND!

So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor.  But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE.  At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English.  But I think you will get the idea . . .)

Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Cry me a river, Toots! 

And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals.  SERIOUSLY?

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You got that right, Witchipoo!  You deserved WAY WORSE!

Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again.  And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one!   So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND.  HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!

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You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard.  I haven’t decided yet . . .

Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked .  . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”

Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .

Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!

“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours?  You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing?  You’re a KING, for crying out loud!” 

OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl.  But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME!  (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES!  Heaven forbid!)  I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.

Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):

“Eric you are great at sex.  Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii.  You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend.  But, unfortunately, you are both out.  Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’  Better luck next time!”

The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing.  Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl!   YIPPEE!  I WIN!”

But he didn’t win.  He lost.  Bill lost.  They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .

I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries.  (Two for F*&kin Sookie).  Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer. 

In completely unrelated news . . .

Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .

Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition.  I just had no where else to put this completely random scene.  You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy.  This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend.  You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff.   (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)

 I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .

Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .

“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”

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Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business.  Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.

(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC!  He had ALL the best one liners of the finale.  Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)

Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .

 She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . .   But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.

They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL.  (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?)  Correction:  They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD.  “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan.   (And you have to admit.  Girlfriend has a point.)

Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way.  Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like).  And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode?  (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.)  Here it is . . .

And you know when he said it?  Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .

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I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?  Oh wait. . . you did?  Never mind then . . .

Let us not forget ERIC’S additional awesome one-liner to finish the scene.  (It almost makes me forget how goofy he looked wearing Bill’s robe and mooning over Sookie . . . almost.)

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Speaking of b*tches . . .

Say Goodbye to . . . well, EVERYONE!

Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them.  (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.)  He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus.  But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead.    Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive.  But hey, let’s not be picky, all right?  The boy is hurting here.

Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did.  Because now he never has to end up old and hanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores.  At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this.   I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?

Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution.   He watched people rust out and fade away for a living.  So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus.  And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . .  I hope not, for his sake, at least.

And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .

All together now . . . AWWWW! 

OK.  Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling.  You know why?  Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR.  And that’s why THIS happens . . .

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Did you catch all that?  Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER.  Then,  Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?).  Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!

So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely .  . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me.  Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin  . . . MAYBE.

Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.

Sorry, Tarapoo!  Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old .  . .

And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell.  So . . . let’s talk about it.  Did you think it was Fangtastic?  Or did it SUCK?  Sound off in the comment section below.

Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries.  You really should watch The Vampire Diaries.  Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season.  I couldn’t have done this without you!

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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The Girl Who Cried Wolf (and Beeeeeeeelllll!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Night on the Sun”

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie!  You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts:  the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No!  I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)!  I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot!  Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap.  This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster?  Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason!  I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?” 

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact.  Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode.  So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off.  Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV.  (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!) 

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?),  Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill.  And it is SUPER hot!  “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!”  The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong.  I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member.  But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing?  I think not!  After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking.  And as for Alcide?  Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding. 

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone.  The gang reluctantly leave the room.  Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

 

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose.  “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man  it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this  . . .

 . . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t.   But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend.  Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full.  Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings.  This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion.  After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

 .  . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements.  Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers.  Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

 . . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason).  He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time.  While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah .  . .  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi.  This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps.  That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

 (even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes)  . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message:  “Russell is coming.  Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway.  As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home.  BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here?  Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!”  She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . .  (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes.  (MAN!  I’m jealous!  Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend!  I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie!  That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye.  After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that.  Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2.  She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

 . . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier.  “I came to see my baby.  It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body.    When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s.  Now we know for sure (sort of). 

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis?  For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

 .  . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . . 

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens.  But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on.  “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!”  Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm .  . . really?  Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short.  And you look about twelve.  Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future.  But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy.  Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker.   Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica.  He rejects her affections almost immediately.  “You can’t stay here.   I can’t look after you, anymore.  I’m no good,”  Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave.  She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts.  (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow.  I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans.  HALF of them are right.  Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around.  He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves .  . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

 . . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS.   (If you’ve read the books, you already know.)  Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill  . . .

 .  . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door.  It’s THIS GIRL!

 . . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye.  Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband.  To get away, she needs Jason’s van.  But Jason gives her his c*ck instead. 

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore.  This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right.  There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . .  I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man.  I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself?  Lafayette.  Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures.  She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is.  And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs.  The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V.  But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored.   Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.”  That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him.  “I’m bored.  Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater.  “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?”  Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

 . . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach.  When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker .  . . his OTHER maker.  “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!”  Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!”  TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood.  Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

 .  . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house.   While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies.    But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie.  Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.”  Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit.   Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie.  Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.”  No .  . . really.  Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too. 

 In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite.  As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor.  And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a fan.  I can’t always expect to have my Taco Beeelll, and eat it too . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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