Tag Archives: Michaela McManus

Four Funerals and a Naked Cuddle? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sun Also Rises”

“Oh NO!  Don’t cry!  Please don’t cry!  Let’s try to focus on the Happy Things, like the fact that Michael Trevino spent this entire episode naked . . .”

“I have the most awesome nipples on the planet.”

*Takes Deep Breath*  Hey, Fangbangers!  How are you doing?  Are you holding up, OK?  As you well know, this was probably one of the most intense, and heart-wrenching, episodes of TVD history.  And no one will hold it against you, if, while you watched it, you engaged in a little Soulful Crying . . .

You may have ventured over into the territory of the Ugly Cry Face . . .

And that’s ALL RIGHT!  There is no shame in that! 

You know, I was trying to figure out what tone I should be taking with this recap.  I mean, on one hand, I usually like to keep things light.  But making fun of an episode featuring FOUR DEAD PEOPLE, seems a tad inappropriate, even for ME! (Well . . . two of them at least.  When it comes to the demise of a certain VERY Unlikeable Wolfgirl, and an EXTREMELY B*tchy Witch, all bets are off!). 

Hours and hours of painful faux-wolf transformations, followed by some time spent rolling in the dirt, plus getting her HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST, and this one still looks like she just stepped out of a salon.  Talk about UNFAIR!

There’s also a lot of great acting and plotting in the “The Sun Also Rises” that deserves to be given its do.  So, while this recap may be a bit more “somber” than most, I’ll try my best to cover everything that happened, while hopefully, still entertaining you a bit along the way . . .

See?  Already you are entertained!

Sound good?  Let’s get started .  . .

(By the way, did you notice that I always called her Useless Aunt Jenna, but now that she’s gone, doing that makes me feel like a TOTAL asshat Aunt Jenna voiced this week’s “Previously on the Vampire Diaries?”  Kind of fitting right?)

So, let me get this straight, you want me to open the show?  But Stefan always opens the show.  Why do I get to do it this week?  Oh, wait a second here .  . . you aren’t trying to give my character a ‘Poignant Sendoff’ are you?  ARE YOU?”

Let Sleeping Werewolves Lie . . .

“Shoot me in the face, I’ll bite you in the balls.  Just sayin’  . . . MATT”

“Ahhh .  . . see that’s what YOU think!  I gave up my balls on this show, a LOOOONNNNG time ago.”

You know you are in a maudlin TVD episode, when the storyline revolving around SHOOTING wolves, painful werewolf transformations, homicidal moms, and a brutal breakup functions as the COMIC RELIEF!  The episode begins with Caroline trying to secure Were-Tyler behind a locked gate, while Matt proceeds to go Rambo on the animal’s ass.  (PETA must have LOVED this one!)

It’s interesting how this scene pretty much telegraphs the Matt / Caroline breakup that occurs at the end of the episode, and the main reasons behind it.  (Then again, considering that Matt has spend the past few episodes plotting AGAINST Caroline with the EEEVVVIL Lizard Forbes, one could argue that this relationship has really been dead in the water, ever since Matt found out that Caroline was a vampire, back in “The House Guest.”)

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

First, obviously, Matt shoots Were-Tyler.  (By the way, since when did MATT become this GREAT SHOT?  Who the heck ever took this orphan out hunting?  Vampire Vicki?) 

The fact that a gunshot wound CAN’T actually kill this supernatural creature, doesn’t mean that Matt didn’t INTEND to shoot to kill.  Some have disagreed with me on this point.  But I took his actions here as a sure sign that Matt has extreme difficulty seeing the HUMAN BEING, behind the supernatural creature.  Admittedly, he does come around a bit on this point, toward the end of the episode . . . but just not ENOUGH.

As luck would have it, however, the bullet wound  incapacitates Tyler, preventing him from breaking through the wrought iron gates.  This ultimately allows Caroline and Matt to (1) pass through those gates, (2) step over the “sleeping Tyler,” (3) lock said gates from the INSIDE, and (4) return to the safety of Caroline’s house.

That may end the problems with Were-Tyler.   But the problems between Matt and Caroline are just beginning.  Matt offers to help Caroline with the situation, and she REFUSES, probably because (1) as the kickass Vampire Barbie she is, Caroline is about ten times strong than Matt’s wimpy ass; and (2) she doesn’t entirely trust that Matt won’t try to kill Tyler again.  “I’VE GOT IT,” Caroline says snippily.

“Oh . . . my sweet manhood.  Oh, how I miss you.”

In return, when Caroline asks Matt to hold her hand (adding FURTHER insult to injury on the “I’m stronger than you” front), so that the two can navigate around an anesthetized Tyler, Matt hesitates for a LONG TIME.  I’m not even sure if he ultimately DID IT.  Granted, this may just be Matt’s Male Ego trying to show Caroline who’s not so much boss, and not wanting to be mothered by his own girlfriend.  But, mainly, I think it illustrates the notion that Matt STILL doesn’t entirely trust Caroline in her vampire form. 

Ultimately, it is THESE issues (along with some other ones) . . .

“Matt who?”

 . . . that completely tear apart the flimsy fabric of this more-or-less already broken relationship . . .

Back at Alchy Alaric’s Crib . . .

Damon Penetrates Katherine’s Emotional Fortress of Solitude (and Then Pulls Out)

See what I did there? 😉

KATHERINE:  “So, I know you’re like ‘dying’ and all, but would it be too much to ask for a rousing Goodbye F*&k?”

Back when the promo for this episode first aired, many of you noted the genuine look of concern in Katherine’s eyes, as she surveyed the increasingly gnarly werewolf bite on Damon’s arm.

OK . . . that is SO not a hickey!  (Great arm definition though.  That vamp works out!)

And while I DO think that Katherine loves Damon to the extent that she CAN, her love is a selfish and possessive one.  Katherine’s concern over Damon’s dying seems more related to her OWN loss of a GREAT Sex Partner feelings of abandonment and neglect, as well as her fear that there will be one less person on the planet pining over her.

Source

That being said, it was VERY satisfying to see Damon, who had spent centuries mooning and moping over Katherine, FINALLY coming to terms with the MANY deficiencies of Katherine’s character.  Of course, the exchange wasn’t NEARLY as satisfying as THIS one . . .

Damon immediately calls Kat out on the part she played in Jenna’s demise.  After all, it was KATHERINE who led Jenna into the trap that resulted in her being Klaus’ vampiric sacrifice.  And Katherine did this, even THOUGH she had already consumed the vervain Damon himself had given her, and clearly, had a choice in the matter.  “Somehow you are always the only one who wins, Katherine.  How did that happen?”  Damon asks.

“Because I didn’t let love get in the way,” Katherine replies.

This, of course, calls to mind the much-discussed concept of vampires “turning off their feelings,” which will be touched upon again, later in this episode.  One could argue that Katherine acts the way she does because she simply “never turned her feelings back ON.”  However, I think that’s an overly simplistic analysis of the situation.  Because unlike OTHER vampires who have “turned off” their feelings in the past, like the stoic, verging on sociopathic, Isobel . . .

 . . . and the Bloodaholic Stefan of Old  . . .

 . . . Katherine seems VERY in touch with her emotions.  She often manages to experience JOY in her life . . .

. . . and shows obvious signs of fear, when her existence is being threatened, right before her self-preservation instincts set in.

No, Katherine is just a manipulative biatch.  And, for the most part, she’s probably been that way for her entire life.  The difference now, is that Damon Salvatore has her number. “Enjoy your life alone,” he says icily, as he walks out of her life.   For good?  Somehow, I doubt it . . .

For Damon’s part, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice HIMSELF, not just for Elena, but for JENNA (The werewolf bite ultimately prevented him from doing this.), shows tremendous growth in his character.  Remember THIS line?

(My apologies to the owner of THIS awesome tumblr, who’s site I neglected to properly link in my last recap.)

Well, of course, us Delena fans’ hearts just melted over this, viewing it as the ULTIMATE in romantic statements you can make to the person you love more than life itself.  And yet, it also resulted in Elena de-staking ELIJAH, which, ulimately, may not have been the best decision.  (More on that later.) 

On the otherhand, the “I will always choose you,” line exemplified the ways in which  Damon’s unparalleled love for Elena sometimes prevented him from seeing the Big Picture.  And the Big Picture, is THIS:  Sometimes “saving” someone, isn’t just about preserving their life; it’s also about preserving their heart, by protecting the people that mean something to that person.  Damon’s willingness to save JENNA, in this episode, shows that he understands that Big Picture now.  This understanding, undoubtedly makes him an EVEN STRONGER candidate for Elena’s love . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Unfortunately, saving Jenna was not in the cards for Damon, this week.  “I’m sorry Damon, but Jenna is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it,” notes Katherine, prophetically. 

“Oh, my GOD!  He killed me! (WTF?)”

“Got any aspirin?  I feel like Death!”

Still Useless, but I can’t call her that anymore Aunt Jenna wakes up with what I imagine is the WORST HANGOVER EVER!  Being forced to drink gallons of Old Fart Vampire Blood, then being MURDERED, then being tossed into a Burning Ring of Fire, will do that to a girl.  What’s worse, she seems to have blocked the entire event out of her consciousness, forcing Poor Elena to have explain it to her ALL OVER AGAIN. 

“Do I REALLY have to be the PARENT in this situation?  AGAIN!  Seriously Aunt Jenna, if there was ever a time I needed to be mothered it is RIGHT NOW!”

It’s important to note here, that the minute that Jenna awakens, she says that she feels different and strange.  After all, it is JENNA’S accounting of what it feels like to be a newly turned vampire in transition, that helps Elena to determine whether she has, in fact, made that transition herself, by the end of the episode.  Unfortunately, Elena BARELY has enough time to tell Jenna’s she DEAD, and give her the crash course on Intro to Vampirism 101, before that EVIL Wanker HOBAG Greta comes out to play . . .

Man, I know she didn’t stick around all that long, but I REALLY hated this b*tch!  Seeing her smug, puckery, self-satisfied face on my screen had the odd effect of actually making me MISS Luka!

Remember him?

“Oh my god!  He killed me.  I’m a vampire,” remarks Jenna, a line that would be bizarrely hilarious on ANY show other than this one and, maybe, True Blood.

“And I bet you’re hungry,” coos Greta Hobag.

Elena, who knows what’s coming next, starts Freaking the F*&k OUT!  So, Greta decides to give her some impromptu flying lessons . . .

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It turns out that living conditions in Burning Ring of Fire Number One, were getting kind of cramped.  So, Greta treats Elena to an “upgrade” by sending her to Burning Ring of Fire Number Two, which is much roomier, and comes with a better view of the park . . .

Greta then slits her own wrist.  Oh, DIE!  Please DIE!  I think to myself.  But alas, this is no Suicide Attempt on Greta’s part.  This is merely a FEEDING.  And Jenna, possibly mistaking Greta’s arm for some Chunky Monkey . . .

Just trying to lighten the mood here, folks!

. . . starts gnawing at Greta’s bloody skin, like it’s an Ear of Corn. 

*nom-nom, nom-nom*  “Tastes like CHICKEN!”

Then THIS happens . . .

Coolest trick ever!  The most interesting thing I can do with MY eyes is cross them.

By feeding on HUMAN blood, shortly after death, Jenna has officially completed her vampire transformation, thus making her a “ripe” candidate for Klaus’ Sacrifice ritual.  From across their respective burning circles, Jenna and Elena view one another, as only two family members who are no longer the same SPECIES can.  Once again, Elena takes on the MOTHERING role for her Useless until the end terrified Aunt and Guardian.  “Jenna, look at me.  It’s going to be OK,” Elena lies through her teeth.

“It’s OK Elena?  It’s going to be OK?  I just DIED, and ate some girl’s arm!  Now I’m in a circle of FIRE, out in the middle of nowhere, being babysat by two chanting psychopaths.  How does this satisfy your definition of OK?”

Meanwhile, back in the underground tomb, Bonnie and Jeremy are spending a leisurely romantic evening reading by candlelight . . .

“So, if our ancestors used to date eachother, does that mean there’s a chance we might be related?”

JEREMY:  “Hey Bonnie, did you know that there are 365 diferent sexual positions?  One for each day of the year?”

BONNIE:  “You had to look in a BOOK to find THAT?  So, what formerly EMO, but now incredibly hot, guys, don’t believe in internet porn?”

The purpose of Bonnie’s and Mini Gilbert’s underground research session is to  allow Jeremy the screentime he’s been sorely lacking these past couple of episodes find a spell that can somehow keep Elena from GOING VAMP, after Klaus kills her.  Truthfully, Jeremy’s and Bonnie’s search for this spell seems kind of half-assed. In fact, both parties seem more interested in eye f*&king, shoulder nuzzling, and making sexually suggestive historical references than rescuing their friend from the Ignominy of the Undead.  “I think [my ancestor, Emily] had a thing for [your ancestor, John Gilbert] remarks Bonnie, with a seductive wink.

Source

And just in case you actually BELIEVED Bonnie’s lamely flirtatious statement, please allow me to show you something.  THIS was Emily Gilbert . . .

She’s kind of hot, right?  OK . . . now THIS is John Gilbert, on whom Emily supposedly had this HUGE CRUSH . . .

Did I mention, the dude was batsh*t insane, and seemingly spent his entire life writing down his every thought in about 85,000 DIARIES?  Yeah, Emily Gilbert!  This one sounds like a Real Keeper!  You gotta give props to Bonnie for trying, though . .  .

Unfortunately, this little slightly nauseating moment is interrupted by Cock Block Alaric, who, ever since his delivery of the “message” that the Sacrifice begins tonight, has seemingly had no other purpose than to be the Bearer of Bad News . . .

“Dammit!  I miss being Klaus.  Now THERE was a guy who knew how to have a good time!”

“Jeremy, something’s happened to Jenna . . .” he begins morosely.

“Seriously?  Again?  You’re kidding me with this, right?”

The Man with the Plan . . .

Back above ground, Damon and Stefan engage in one of their little Brotherly Telephone Gossip Sessions that are quickly becoming a regular occurrence on this show . . .

” OMG!  Katherine actually SAID that to you?  She is SUCH a b*tch.  Did you f*&k her?   Because I totally would have f*&ked her.”

During the phone conversation, Damon informs Stefan that his girlfriend’s aunt is now vampire bait, and Stefan responds by getting weepy . . . again.  Stefan also makes a decision.  It’s the same one Damon made EARLIER in the episode, but couldn’t carry out, due to his Were-Rabies.  Namely, Stefan will offer to sacrifice himself in place of Jenna . . .

 “So, all these hot guys are willing to sacrifice themselves for ME, now!  This is SO COOL!  It also means I’m pretty much dead already, doesn’t it?”

After hanging up on Damon, Stefan turns his attention to Elijah . . .

I’m sorry. I just think this picture of Elijah is really funny!

Elijah helpfully restates the Save Elena gameplan for the audience.  “Bonnie will stay hidden until the moon reaches its final phase.  [This way, Klaus will continue to think she’s dead until the last possible moment.]  Then, she will deliver Klaus to the brink of death, and I will finish him off,” explains the Original Vamp of Haircare Excellence, stoically . . .

Shut UP, Elijah!  I’m mad at you.  We’re in a fight, now!

Though it’s undoubtedly TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, Stefan FINALLY wakes up to the fact that Elijah’s insistence on killing his own brother, in order to help out folks who he (1) barely knows; and (2) tried to kill him . . . TWICE, seems . . . ODD . . . to say the least.  When Elijah tells Stefan that he is a “very honorable man,” Stefan pointedly asks whether ELIJAH, himself, is honorable.  (You know, this might have been a good question to ask BEFORE you hung all your hopes on THIS guy’s purported “honorability.”)

Source

“You can’t see it, but I’m actually crossing my fingers behind my back, right now.”

Klaus FINALLY explains why he seems so intent on killing his own brother, the Original Douchebag.  Turns out, this dude is SO CUCKOO BANANAS that he murdered his ENTIRE family (except, conveniently, Elijah . . . I guess he thought that hair was too pretty to go to waste), and buried all their corpses AT SEA, so that no one could come an “revive” them. 

Stefan, who knows a thing or two about wanting to kill your brother, while still being tormented by feelings of LOVE for that sibling, can relate . . .

Last I checked, they didn’t allow vampires on Dancing with the Stars . . .

“Sometimes, there is honor in revenge,” says Elijah, sounding like he’s quoting Shakespeare. (And he may be, for all I know.  Heck, he probably knew the guy, personally . . . and possibly even ATE him.)  “I will not let you down,” concludes the Original, as his nose grows to epic proportions . . . kind of like Pinocchio.

“Trust me.  It gets worse.”

“Dear sweet Wall!  You are the only one who truly understands my pain.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Uncle / Father John barges into Damon’s house, wondering why Elena hasn’t returned any of his phone calls . . .

“Looks like you are a day late, and a daughter short,” snarks Damon.  (LOVE HIM!)

Once, Damon gives Uncle /Father John the Cliff Notes version of the past few episodes of TVD, during which he was doing LORD KNOWS WHAT, U.F.J. decides this would be the PERFECT opportunity to call Damon out on his failure to properly parent / protect his daughter.  Riiiiight, because dads should ALWAYS hire out Sexy but Morally Ambiguous Vampires to take care of those pesky parental duties!

Now, THAT’S what I call a Father Figure!

“All you had to do was keep her safe,” whines John, when he learns that Damon prevented Elena’s certain death by feeding her his own vampire blood.  “You destroyed her life, you know.  You’ve turned her into what I’ve spent my whole life ineffectually protecting her from.”

“Now, is REALLY not the time for lectures, Daddio!”

That’s when Damon introduces Uncle /Father John to his good pal Wall Face (which was awesome, by the way).  “Yeah, yeah . . . I took her choice away.  And I ruined her life, I get it,” remarks Damon, in the voice of a bored teenager.  (Clearly, Damon Salvatore reads blogs.)  “But, trust me, it gets worse . . .”

“Oh no!  Well, let’s not talk about such dark things.  After all, you and I will have plenty of time to have this discussion next season . . . Won’t we?  Won’t we?

But get worse, IT DOES!  Perpetual Bearer of Bad News Alaric chooses THIS particular time to drop a bombshell on Damon, that STEFAN will be sacrificing himself in Jenna’s place.   Damon’s Man-Cry and Sexy Wall Punch, upon hearing about his Little Brother’s most recent attempt at Martyrdom SLAYED ME with their gut-wrenching intensity  . . .

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER time when Damon took his inconsolate sadness and anger out on Innocent Pieces of Furniture . . .

Be afraid La Casa de Rich and Awesome!  Be very afraid!

I also had to laugh, when Damon once again, RIGHTLY wondered why they couldn’t just let BONNIE sacrifice herself for Klaus.  After all, SHE had enough power to kill him, even BEFORE he started offing various cast members.  In hindsight, this probably would have been the better solution, as it would have prevented Elena and Jeremy from becoming orphans, and from needing a lifetime of pills therapy, most likely punctuated by various stints in rehab . . .

Source

“Dammit, BONNIE!  Way to take one for the Team!”

Meanwhile, back at the Sacrifice . . .

“Hi Jules . . . Bye Jules!”

 

“Life like a Beast.  Die like a Porn Star.”

Jenna is beginning to enjoy the Perks of Vampirism.  “I feel everything stronger,” she notes thoughtfully.  “The colors are brighter.  The fire is hotter.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this little Advertisement for Undead Living is interrupted by SERIOUSLY LOUD SEX SOUNDS.  Moans, groans, grunts . . . the whole nine yards.  For a second their, I thought Klaus was getting a quicky.  Then, I realized that those sounds were coming from the soon-to-be-dead Jules.  Apparently, Greta slowed down Jules’ were transformation, so that she could be a candidate for the Sacrifice, and the process has ravaged her innards. 

Jules is promptly thrown into Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  She and Elena only have the briefest of moments to chat.  (She claims she did all that she did to help Tyler.  Do we believe her?  Does it even matter anymore?)  Then Klaus magically appears . . .

“Are you ready my lovelies?”  He asks in that slimy child pedophile voice of his.

Then Greta starts her annoying chanting, as the lights go out in Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  Apparently, it’s Checkout Time at the Ole Go to Hell Motel!  Jules lunches at Klaus.  And it looks like she’s about to “Go Were” on his ass.  But he tackles her, and does THIS . . .

Now, that’s what I call wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Ummm . . . yeah . . . so in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jules is Dead . . .

Mind you, this happened only 12 MINUTES into the episode!  So, we all should have known we were in for a while ride.  Klaus expediently drops Jules’ heart (Who knew she had one?) into his little cauldron, as Jenna and Elena watch on in horror from Burning Ring of Fire Numbers 1 and 2, respectively . . .

In a heartfelt moment between Auntie Vampire and Niece, the Character Formerly Known as Useless Aunt Jenna turns to the child she was supposed to be parenting and said “I failed you . . .”

To which Elena, responded, “Hells, yeah, you did!  No, I failed YOU! (But we all know, she just said that to be nice.)

Source

This touching moment is followed by another one, in which Elena tells Jenna that due to her new and SUPER nifty vampiric abilities, she has the power to fight back against Klaus.  And I THIS realization on Elena’s part (along with her TERRIFYINGLY TRAUMATIC near-death experience), that causes the Petrova Doppelganger to gain an understanding of why Damon did what he did to her, and recognize that it might not have been such an awful thing to do, after all. 

We definitely see an unspoken understanding form between Damon and Elena, in the final moments of the episode.   And I actually think THIS is where that understanding begins . . .

When it comes time for Jenna to take HER part in the Sacrifice, as signified by the lights going out in HER Burning Ring of Fire, Stefan appears in the distance, to offer up a little “barter and exchange,” one vampire for another . . .

“Just in case you needed evidence of what a FINE vampire specimen I am . . .”

Klaus looks at Stefan, intrigued (and slightly turned on) . . . “Very well, what can I do for you?”  Klaus inquires politely.

Speaking of fine male specimens . . .

Have you ever wished someone would leave a Hot Naked Man on your doorstep?


Source

Christmas, apparently, came a few months Early in Mystic Falls . . .

After escaping Were Tyler, Caroline and Matt lock themselves up in Caroline’s house where they can be bored safe together. 


“I keep expecting your mom to barge through the door with a chainsaw, and murder us all!”

Now that Caroline and Matt finally have a little down time, they could talk about what a Monumental Douchebag he’s been, the past few episodes!  Matt explains to Caroline, how he pretended to succumb to her compulsion, after watching both Season 1 and Season 2 of TVD on DVD . . .

As we well know, he then went and ratted Caroline out to her the World’s Worst Mother, Lizard Forbes.  “So, where does that leave us now?”  Caroline wonders.  DUMP HIM, CAROLINE!  DUMP HIM HARD! 

“It leaves us stuck in the house, trying not to get malled by our friend,” replies Matt.  (OK .  . . I’ll admit it.  That was a pretty funny line.  And yet . . .)

Friends don’t shoot friends . . .

Do you think my mom wants to kill me?”  Caroline wonders, in the Saddest Little Voice Ever.

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do with you.  Because, really, what are parents supposed to DO with their kids anyway.  Parenting is so darn confusing!”  Matt replies.

Then, there is loud thump at the door.  And for a second, I really did believe it was Lizard Forbes, preparing to go postal . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little werewolf too!”

But it was something WAY better than that.  “Give me your jacket,” Caroline scolds, taking charge once again. 

Caroline rushes outside to find THIS laying naked on her doorstep . . .

After doing a little Dance of Joy around her front porch.  (Where all the BEST Forwood action happens anyway, right Cherie?)  Caroline strategically drapes Matt’s coat over Tyler’s man parts.  (Gee, ya think Matt’s going to want that back?) 

There’s a scene in the Southern Vampire Mysteries Book Series (on which True Blood is based), where, after being cursed by an evil witches spell, which gives him amnesia, one of the main characters is told to run in the direction of the one woman he truly loves.  And that character, not remembering ANYTHING else, still, on some level, is able to follow his heart, and find the Right Girl.  I would like to think that the same sort of INSTINCTUAL memory prompted Tyler, while still in werewolf form and injured, to drag himself toward Caroline’s porch.  Because, of all the places in Mystic Falls, THAT is the one where he feels most at home.

Gee, I wonder why? 😉

Just like after his first werewolf transformation, Tyler’s eyes flutter open, and the first face he sees, is that of the woman he loves.  “Caroline?”  He asks tentatively, his face a mixture of relief, love, comfort, and utter sadness.

“It’s OK, Tyler . . . it’s OK,” Caroline replies, looking deep into his brown eyes, as she rubbs his shoulders affectionately.

Unlike the time earlier in the episode, where Elena uttered these SAME words to Aunt Jenna.  This time, I actually BELIEVE them.  And I think Tyler does too . . .

“I’ll drink to that!”

“Can We Just Skip to the ‘Save Elena’ Part”

Good news, guys!  Uncle/ Father John knows of a plan that could save Elena from being a vampire!  When the rest of the Scooby Gang arrive, he starts waxing poetically about some dying mother and her unborn baby.    Apparently, Witch Emily was able to PROTECT this mother-daughter pair (well, at least one of them) from death, by ensuring the intact nature of their souls.

(Like Damon, I’ll admit I zoned out through most of this part.  But it actually makes a lot of sense by the end of the episode. So, bear with me . . .)  Long-story short, Bonnie plans to use the SAME spell that Emily used on the Mother and Baby on Elena and Uncle / Father John.  Damon is skeptical of the plan, thinking it’s all a bunch of hooey.  But Uncle/ Father John seems DETERMINED that his daughter stay human, so . . .

When it comes time for Bonnie and Damon to leave for the Sacrifice Scrappy Doo Mini Gilbert, of course wants to come too!  So, what does Bonnie do, she makes out with him, and knocks him unconscious with her Disgusting Dragon Breath witchy ways. 

“Seriously?  AGAIN!  This SUCKS Monkey BUTT!  Then again, the fact that I didn’t get my ass kicked ONCE this episode, shows at least SOME signs of improvement . . .”

Jeremy shouldn’t feel too bad though.  At least he will have company!  Uncle / Father John is staying home from the Save Elena Games.  And apparently, so is Alaric . . .

“What?  You mean I don’t get to go either?  But I ALWAYS get to go!  I’m one-half of Team Bad Ass DAMMIT!”

Apparently, Bonnie and Damon thought Alaric’s love for Useless Aunt Jenna made him a liability.  So, they did to HIM the same thing they did to ELENA when SHE tried to throw herself at Klaus’ feet the first time . . .

The Poo HITS the FAN, Big TIME!

Back at the Olympic Burning Rings of Fire, Jenna tries to use her newfound vampire hearing to figure out what the heck Klaus and Stefan are gossiping about . . .

“So, do you, like, use a special shampoo, or something, to get your hair to look all shiny like that, because I’ve tried just about EVERY haircare product on the market.  And mine is just dullsville.  I envy you, and your Super Hero Hair Stefan Salvatore.”

Jenna reluctantly tells Elena that her BOYFRIEND has offered himself up, in exchange for Jenna.  (Now, THAT’S awkward.)  Elena, understandably, is horrified by the idea.  Does she want to keep around the Shrink she has Sex with, or the Aunt, who has her OWN sex, while Elena watches?  Decisions, decisions.  When Stefan gets thrown into Burning Ring of Fire One in Jenna’s place, Elena is both touched by her boyfriend’s kind gesture, and frightened as all heck!

Source

Now, this was a PRETTY sneaky move on the part of the TVD writers.  After all, MOST OF US knew that Stefan and Elena would both make it to the Season Finale.  So, the fact that Jenna, was no longer sitting in the burning ring, probably gave SOME of us, myself included, a false sense of security.  And it was that sense of security that was RIPPED TO SHREDS, when Klaus impulsively announced that he had OTHER plans for Stefan, and therefore, wanted him to survive. 

(What PLANS?  Does Klaus want Stefan to join the Were Vamp army?  Does he want Stefan to get DAMON to join the Were Vamp Army?  Does he want Stefan to give him more Hair Care tips?  Something tells me that we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .)

Klaus then puts Elena’s So-Called Savior out of commission (at least for a few moments by breaking his neck, and staking him).

Something tells me that’s going to hurt in the morning!

Elena looks at Jenna, in terror.  But her aunt seems oddly determined.  “I know what I have to do,” says Jenna, with more verve and intensity than we’ve seen from the character all season. 

Source

(SERIOUSLY, Sara Canning was ON FIRE this episode!  It makes you understand just how CRIMINALLY under-used her acting talents were on this show.  Useless Aunt Jenna, could have realy kicked ass . . . if she wasn’t so . .  . useless most of the time.)

Knowing she can’t defeat Klaus, Jenna lashes out at GRETA, which, if you think about it, is a pretty genius move.  After all, without a WITCH to say the spell, Klaus can’t complete the ritual.  The only problem is that Poor Newbie Vamp Jenna isn’t well versed in the Creative Killing Tactics of Salvatore Brothers and Originals, like, for example, the Bold De-Harting . . .

. . . or the Nifty Neck Snap.  So, Jenna, instead opts for the Good Old Fashioned NECK BITE, which . . . well . . . it basically does nothing.  Greta looks more annoyed, than truly in pain. 

A heart-tugging, tear inducing look is exchanged between an inconsolate Elena, and a now truly terrified Jenna, as both come to the horrifying, not to mention, massively depressing, realization that this is going to be literally the LAST TIME they will ever see one another “alive.”

With no other options available to her, a tearful Elena gives her aunt the ONLY piece of advice that a person who’s death is imminent really wants to hear:  how to die without fear . . . or pain.  “Just turn it off . . . Turn it off, Jenna.  You won’t be scared, anymore.”

We can’t know for sure whether Aunt Jenna ultimately opted to turn off her emotions in the final moments of her life.  However, the surprisingly peaceful expression on her face, after Klaus drained her of blood . . . gives us some clue that she might have done just that . . .

OK . . . I lied.  That doesn’t look “peaceful” at all.  She looks scared sh*tless.  Man, this show is depressing!

If you weren’t crying by this point, Elena’s shout of anguish as her ineffectual, but well-meaning, and loveable guardian, bit the Big One, most certainly had you reaching for Box of Kleenex.  Still, more tears follow, when Stefan awakens and finds Jenna’s lifeless body lying just outside the burning ring.  “I’m sorry, he mouths to his girlfriend, who’s family member he WASN’T able to save.”

Elena puts her finger to her lips.  “Shhh . . . KILL HIM,” she whispers.

You know . . . when Useless Aunt Jenna (R.I.P. Girlfriend) is the Smartest Girl at the Party, something is WRONG with this picture.  Don’t try to kill KLAUS, Stefan!  Kill GRETA!  BREAK HER NECK!  RIP OUT HER HEART!  Do something, aside from haphazardly throwing yourself at Klaus, and FAILING . . . AGAIN.

But fail again, Stefan does.  And, the next thing you know, the lights at Burning Ring of Fire Number 2 are out.  And Klaus has Elena in his grubby hands.  Now, he’s groping her, like a drunken college fratboy.  She is not amused .  . .

KLAUS:  “The moonlight . . . the candles  . . . the dead bodies . .  . I don’t know about you, but I find this all incredibly romantic.”

Ever the gentleman, Klaus politely thanks Elena for her services on Team Sacrifice.  “Go to hell,” Elena snarls. 

So, Klaus does . . .  but he brings ELENA right along with him . . .

Source

Poor Stefan, he’s been pretty much all Water Works, all episode.  And for good reason.  With Elena down, Klaus drops the Moonstone into the cauldron, and to the tune of Greta’s insufferable chanting of gibberish, begins his were-tranformation . . .

A face not even a mother could love . . .

But just when it seems like all hope is lost . . .

All Hail Team Scooby!

Source

Bonnie comes seemingly out of nowhere, bringing Klaus to his knees with her massive Firestarter Power.  From the other side of the park, Damon magically appears . . .

. . . and does exactly what Stefan SHOULD have done about 20 minutes ago.  He BREAKS GRETA’S NECK, in one sharp SNAP!

Damon than picks up a lifeless Elena and gallantly carries her body over to Stefan.  But Stefan surprises his brother, by NOT taking her in his arms.  “I need you to take her out of here.  I’m not leaving, until he is dead,”  explains Stefan.  (My, my, my . .  . how the roles have reversed.)

I was happy though . . . because I got to see this . . .

I mean, seriously, how much better forshadowing can us Delena fans get?  The dude CARRIED ELENA to safety AND over the proverbial threshold, into her HOME! 

But just when you think it can’t get any better, IT DOES!

My heart literally leapt out of my chest, walked over to the television screen, and nuzzled up to Damon’s face, as he gently and loving caressed Elena’s unconscious face, in a move that reminded me VERY much of THIS early TVD scene . . .

“If you come back a vampire, Elena.  I will have to stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me, forever,” Damon whispers.

As if in answer to his prayers, Elena awakens . . .

“How do you feel?”  Damon asks tentatively.

“I feel fine,” Elena replies incredulously.

Remember when I told you that Jenna felt DIFFERENT when in transition.  Well, Elena, based on her response, is still human.  The question is how? 

More about that in a bit, for now, I want to get a bit more Delana-y with you . . .

That look Elena gives Damon when she first wakes up!  Delena fans will undoubtedly analyze this look ALL SUMMER, along with the one the pair exchange at the funeral, later in the episode.  There are a lot of similarities between this look, and the one Tyler gives Caroline, when he awakens from his werewolf state.  Elena too, has had somewhat of a rebirth in these last few minutes.  She has LITERALLY died, and been reborn.

Clearly, something has changed regarding Elena’s feelings for Damon, since their last encounter.  But what?  Has Elena softened toward Damon, because, in facing the True Death, she has finally come to terms with the fact that she wants to live.  Has Elena begun to grudgingly see the positive sides of vampirism, as I mentioned above?  Or is it something more . . .

Recall that Damon once, not to long ago, told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget it . . .

 You may also recall that as a vampire, you can remember all instances of compulsion you experienced as a human . . .

Could Elena suddenly be REMEMBERING Damon’s sacrificial declaration of love for her?  But wait . . . that doesn’t make sense.  After all, I just said Elena is HUMAN.  So, how could she remember something like that?  You might wonder.  Well . . . I think, based on the loosey goosey way she was able to STAY human, that she might actually remember it. 

And to that plot development, I say . . .

But we are getting a bit ahead of yourselves here . . .  Let’s take a step back for a moment, and figure out how Elena managed to stay HUMAN, after clearly dying with vampire blood in her system.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Aside from read books, and write a letter with his severely bandaged hands . . .

Ahhh memories . . .

Uncle / Father John hasn’t done much this episode.  And yet, as Elena is waking up in Damon’s arms, U.F.J. is handing Jeremy a letter and a ring, with instructions to give them to Elena.  With one last look at the house, he then walks outside.  The moment Elena awakens, he falls to the floor . .  . dead.

Remember how we talked a bit about that spell Emily did on the mother and the baby.  Well, apparently the mother gave HER life, and her soul to the baby, so that the baby could be reborn.  That was Uncle/Father John’s final gift to his daughter: the gift of a second chance at REAL life.  All U.F.J. ever really wanted for his daughter was for her NOT to become a vampire.  And now (at least for another season) she won’t be . . .

Now, I’m just wondering who the HECK is going to get custody of these two underage teens, who LITERALLY have no family left on Earth.   Maybe Alaric can adopt?

Speaking of Alaric . . . poor guy!  Lost another woman to vampirism!  The look on his face, when he foudn out Jenna didn’t survive the Sacrifice ritual was horrifying.  He and Jeremy just can’t seem to catch a break.  Can they?

But WAIT . . . what about KLAUS . . . and ELIJAH?

Elijah Do-Little

Source

Back at the site, the Scooby Gang’s Save Elena / Kill Klaus plan seems to be going as planned.  Bonnie is doing her Crazy Ass witch thing, Elena is alive, human and safe, Greta is dead, and Klaus is close to it.  Now, all they have to do is wait for Elijah to finish him off . . .

But NOOOOO!  Just when Elijah ACTUALLY has his hand inside Klaus’ chest, and is ready to make the final pull, a skill we all KNOW he’s incredibly adept at . . .

Klaus has to go and open his Big Fat Mouth, and tell some Big Fat Sob Story, about how he DIDN’T actually bury his family at sea. like Osama Bin Laden.  (Presumably, this means that the family of Originals can be brought back to life, just in time for next season, no doubt.)  Did I mention that Klaus KNOWS where the bodies are (or so he says), and promises to take Elijah to them, if he lets him life? 

“Quite the conundrum I’m in here.  Follow my Crazy Pants  Brother on a Wild Goose Chase to find my long lost relatives, or help these misfits I barely know kill the last member of family I have.  Hmmmm . . . I wonder what I should do?”

And so, with a quick half-assed apology at the remaining Scooby Gang members, Eljah escapes with the now Were-Vamp Klaus to parts unknown . . .

I hate to say it (because I loved me some hot Delena moments), but Damon would NEVER have let this happen, if he was there . . .

Speaking of hot moments . . .

What you got under that blanket?

Source

“So, I guess it’s true what they say about men with big hands.”

While naked Tyler is in Caroline’s bed (HELL YEAH!) sleeping off his were-bender, Matt is giving Caroline the Big Ole’ kiss off.   “So, this is you’re life, huh?”  Matt asks, conversationally.  “Never a dull moment.”

Unlike MY life, which tends to be jam-packed with Dull Moments.

In what was probably the LONGEST version of the “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  speech I have ever heard, Matt tells Caroline how much fun he’s had with her over the past few days (while he was pretending NOT to think she was a Brain Eating Zombie), BUT he doesn’t feel like he can handle her Hardcore Vampire Lifestyle.  He’s got other things to think about, like his lame job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and his Slutty Mom, and his Dead Sister.  So, yeah, greener pastures, I guess . . .

Matt would prefer to live his life in a fog, and forget vampires and werewolves ever existed, then to spend time with the woman he supposedly loves, who just so happens to occasionally, drink Red Stuff from a hospital bag .  . .

Oh, well!  If you can’t take the Forwood Heat, get your ass out of Caroline’s house . . . 

 (Admittedly, though I mock it here, because this recap never seems to end, and I’m getting a bit cranky, this annoying scene did show tremendous acting ability on Roerig’s part.  And since I’m a staunch Forwoody, it even made me smile.)

But on to the good stuff . . . Tyler wakes up, wanders down stairs, and sidles up to a sad Caroline on the couch.

TYLER:  “Man, I’m in pain.  What the heck did I do last night?”

CAROLINE:  “Umm . . . Tyler . . . I’m pregnant.”

Undoubtedly, a bit embarrassed about whatever Werewolf Hijinks he may have engaged in, the night before (though, clearly, not embarrassed enough to put on a pair of pants before coming downstairs – and THANK GOD, for that!), Tyler wonders outloud whether, what Caroline said to him the night before was right.  Maybe he should have stayed away from Mystic Falls, after all.  “You shouldn’t have left,” Caroline corrects him.

“Awwwww yeah, she SO wants me!”

The way Tyler and Caroline relate to one another is just so uniquely special and so natural, you just can’t help but smile when you watch them together.  I loved how, in this scene, the pair repeatedly waver back and forth between the expression of serious feelings and joking easy-going banter, knowing instinctively that using the latter, will help them comfortably ease their way into the former.  Like in this moment, when Tyler jokes that he tried to kill her . . . twice.  (That happens A LOT on this show, doesn’t it?)

Source

“No friendship is perfect,” jokes Caroline.

Source

See, what I mean?  I mean what OTHER couple could joke and laugh about the topic of Involuntary Man (Wolf?)slaughter?

Yeah . .  . them too, I guess.

But then, when Caroline’s laughter turns to tears, Tyler is serious again, and prepared to comfort the woman he clearly loves so much . . .

Source

And when Caroline tells Tyler that Matt broke up with her, Tyler does a REALLY GOOD JOB of looking genuinely sad for her, even though we all know that, inside, he’s wanting very much to do THIS . . .

. . . and maybe even a little bit of THIS . . .

“So what do I do in this situation?”  Tyler genuinely wants to know, biting his lower lip in happiness, as Caroline snuggles closer to him.

“Instead of bailing again, you say, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.  Sorry I tried to chow down on you again.'”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Tyler whispers in Caroline’s ear, as she nestles up close to him, feeling safe and truly loved for the first time in as long as she can remember.

Source

And now that all are hearts are FILLED with the Warm Fuzziness of Forwoody Goodness, I regret to inform you that we have a funeral to attend . . . well . . . two funerals.

Saying Goodbye

Source

Now, normally, I’d say Hard Core Eye Fuckery is inappropriate at the funeral of your Parental Guardian and Bio Dad.  But since it’s Delena, I’m totally cool with it!

Though the sun had in fact risen, and was shining high in the sky, at the conclusion of “The Sun Also Rises,” the tone was undoubtedly somber, as Elena and Jeremy buried their only remaining parental figures, Uncle/Father John and No-Longer Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

In a very sweet, but extremely poignant, moment, Jeremy and Elena both tried to stay strong for one another, as they comforted eachother in Elena’s bedroom, just moments before their hastily patched together Double Family Funeral.  (Jenna and John would be buried in secret,  right alongside Elena’s adoptive parents, so as not to stir suspicion among the town residents.)  Elena apologized to Jeremy for all the people he had lost in his young life.  And Jeremy, in turn, gave Elena John’s final gifts to her: the letter he had written and his Ring of Immortality.

We watched as Elena sat by the window, and sadly read her father’s last words to her . . .

What follows is John’s letter, in its entirety:

Elena,

It’s no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extrordinary child. I failed in that task. And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I am haunted by how things might have turned out differently if I had been more willing to hear your side of things. For me it’s the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It’s for that child that I give you my ring. I don’t ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this: whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same, as I’ve always loved you and always will.

John

Source

At the funeral the entire REMAINING Scooby Gang gathered and left roses on the Gilbert gravestone.

After exchanging some VERY meaningful looks with Elena at the cemetery (hint, hint, wink wink), Damon FINALLY came clean to Stefan about the secret he was hiding.  Tyler had bit him.  He was marked for death.

“We will find something . . . a cure,” said Stefan resolutely.

“There is no cure, Stefan,” replied Damon morosely.

But Stefan refused to accept the loss of his brother, “We kept Elena human.  We found a way when there was no way.   We will do this.”

“You wanna do something for me?”  Damon asked.  “Keep this from Elena.  The last thing she needs is another grave to mourn.”

And with that, Damon walked off into the sunset, ALONE, as we all blew our noses, and reached for the now-empty box of Kleenex.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

62 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Where have all the HUMANS gone? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Day”

Pop Quiz Fangbanger How many humans are in this picture?  (Hint:  It’s a trick question.) 

USELESS AUNT JENNA:  “OK, that was NOT COOL!  The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!

Personally, I think humanity is overrated.  I mean, think about it  . . . You get married.  You pop out a few pups.  You grow old and wrinkly.  You die.  What’s the fun in THAT?

Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me.  Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .

Be afraid, Normal Boy!  Be VERY AFRAID!

But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show!  The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”).  And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week:  by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen.  Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either .  . .

Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers!  And prepare to have your minds blown.  Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .

Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY!  Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)

Source

I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something?  Because I was . . . distracted.

The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed  .  . . NAKED . . . and GULPING.  Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?).  Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked!  Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .

Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week.  If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .

And we all know how THAT turned out!  So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US;  Extremely Bad for HIM!

Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too.  Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .

Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse.  Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.

ELIJAH:  “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’

STEFAN and ELENA:  “Yes, please!”

So, then Damon magically appears.  And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW!  “Because Bonnie would DIE!”  Elena replies. 

“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.

You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers.  That’s why they both keep DIARIES!

Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal.  But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame.  Come ON!  A Fake Death Elixir?  What is this Romeo and Juliet?  Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie?  Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?

ELIJAH:  “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”

To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger .  . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe.  So, it’s not a sure thing.  Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus.  In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .

Are you sure about that, buddy?  Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN .  . .

Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well.  “The ring only works on humans.  The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”

A-HA!  So, Elena is NOT entirely human!  She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood.  That’s why all the boys want to bone her.  The plot thickens . . .

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either.  But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”

DAMON:  “Well, in that case . . .”

This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW!  (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute.  That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)

Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .

So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante!  Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.

Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message.  “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.

With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus.  (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!)  Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*

Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”

Source

There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals!  What’s the deal, TVD writers?  Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios?  Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?  

I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first.  And then we can talk about it . . .

What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.”  In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice. 

On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him.  In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world.  “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.

Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak.  The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground. 

Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them.  In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her. 

Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him.  Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust.  Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him. 

But she hasn’t.  And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be.  And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .

When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah.  But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind.  He corners Elena at the door.  And THIS happens . . .

Source

“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood.  Open WIDE .  . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”

Then Stefan comes in.   And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan.  And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!

“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is.  (More on THAT later.)  But DAMON does. 

Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity.  This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.

Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?

In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery.  Believe me, you’ll get over it.”

But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways.  And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her extremely dumb way.

“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?).  “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”

Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .

As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM.  “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .

Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .

Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)

To Do List:  (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.   (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.  (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch.    (4) Kick babies in the head for fun.  (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.

Caroline visits Matt Donovass Benedict Arnold at work.  She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship.  They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

CAROLINE:  “You smell like my mom.  The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”

MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”

CAROLINE:  “What?”

MATT:  “Oh nothing . . .”

Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands.  So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .

In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes.  “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her.  So, why are we so intent on killing her again?”  Matt wonders.

“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”

“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.”  Lizard replies.   Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being.  And here’s what I have to say about that . . .

Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club.  Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom.  But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .

“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date.  Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target.  It worked for Dick Cheney!”

 Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)

ALARIC:  “So, I was thinking that tonight (like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”

DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”

ALARIC: *pouts*  “But I wanted to be HIM!”

Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing.  Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities.  “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.

“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric.  (I LOVE THESE TWO!)

But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest  . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.

“Ughhhh . . . Klaus, I presume,” scoffs Damon (mimicking his ICONIC “Ughhh, who cares” line from one of Blogger Pal Amy’s favorite Delena scenes from Season 1 of the show).

DAMON: “I liked you better when you were Alaric.”

After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could .  . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination.  But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood.  “The Sacrifice is tonight . .  . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.

“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?”  Alaric asks, with mild amusement.

“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .

These two REALLY need their own theme song.  Any suggestions?

Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)

Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy

STEFAN:  “So, Elena.  Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . .  . Oh, wait .  . . never mind . . . I was there.”

I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice.  Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen!  And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him. 

(So .  . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls.  Not judging . . . just sayin’.)

“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW!  It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”

Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it.  “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).

ELENA:  “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”

I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain. 

*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*

Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him.  (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern.  Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)

But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants.  So feelings is what Stefan is going to get .  . .

Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple.  Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.”  And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.

ELENA:  “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”

But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices.  She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old?  Seriously, Elena!  Babies?  maybe.  OLD?  Definitely NOT!)  “I don’t want to be a vampire.  I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.

“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.

Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process.  Would I want to live forever?  Probably not.  But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead!  So, what’s the big deal? 

Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?

In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire.  On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE!  Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire.  But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her? 

When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white.  Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .

In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .

Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!

TYLER’S MOM:  “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen.  Because, unlike some OTHER  moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”

When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . .  borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits?  This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps.  Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual.  But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well?   Only time will tell .  . .

(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)

So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls .  . .

 

 .  . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .

Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .

Source

Then JULES comes along, and threatens to ruin EVERYTHING (as has been her habit, since he appeared on the show) . . .

Source

It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation.  But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”

Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .

Source

No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .

Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another.  For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter.  This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore.  This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.  

You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls.  But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory.  So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.

Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left.  But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler.  She realized how much she missed his friendship.  She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye.  And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .

“You’re leaving again?  Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.

Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away.  (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)

Don’t worry Tyler!  One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .

Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN

“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”

“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”

The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay .  . .

But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go .  . .

Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show.  Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD.  So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.

“Well, that kind of sucks.  Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”

Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing.  “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left?  Why did you leave me?”  Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.

“I know you hated me.  I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.

“I was hurt.  You turned your back on me when I needed you.  But I could never hate you, Tyler, because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”

“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”

“WORD!”

Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this.  These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!).  It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .

Fortunately, help is on the way . . .

Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .

KATHERINE:  “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season?  Like, once an episode?”

So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house.  (That’s odd.  I thought Katherine let him in last time?)  If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore.  Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor.  Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.

“In your pants?”

Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly.  “They are in the tomb,” she admits.

Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able.  So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis.  And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .

So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet.  Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”

Source

You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not.  It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do  Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety.  (She’s  been getting that a lot, lately .  . .)

Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .

Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox.  The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?

Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear.  Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection?  Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so?  And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX?  Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?

Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun. 

“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”

You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).

Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too.  The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .

On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it).  And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is .  . . until THIS happens . . .

Now, I love you TVD Costume Department.  But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!

When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety.  UH-OH!

 Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler.  Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).

By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf  . . .

. . .  to a REAL WOLF, since last time?

He’s WAY more CUDDLY now!  Mommy Like!

The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)

Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall.  When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them. 

Tearful goodbyes are exchanged.  And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”

Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too.  (Man!  Talk about an unequal distribution of labor!  I hope Damon’s getting paid for this in sexual favors.) 

At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .

Source

Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!

Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B.  As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .

(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped?  I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.) 

But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice?  Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.

“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground.  “What’s on your arm, Damon?”

Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it?  Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!

Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time!  YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!

But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?

When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless.  “But I did everything you asked?  Why did you do this to me?”  Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.

“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk.  “She’s (dun . . . dun .  . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”

And the hits just keep on coming . . .

So, for those of you keeping score.  Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .

Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)

Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)

Team Witch: minus 1

Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)

Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire:  Plus 1 *sobs*

Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????

Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral?  You can check it all out here . . .

So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

48 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

Source

Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

Source

That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

Source

 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

Source

I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

Source

*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

Source

To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

Source

Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

Source

Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

57 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!


Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

Source

Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

47 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Watch out for those mood swings! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent”

Nice knowing ya, Rosie!  Well . . . actually . . . it wasn’t all that nice.   But to rank on the dead is just in poor taste.  Don’t ya think?

Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers!  How excited are you to have TVD back on your weekly TV viewing schedule?  Because I’m positively THRILLED!

Tonight’s mid-season premiere episode DEFINITELY did not disappoint!  The entire hour was JAM PACKED with massive makeout sessions (there were THREE!), major betrayals (Who’d have thought Jules would end up being a scarier super villain than Old Vampire Elijah?), suspense, oodles of sexual tension, and LOTS of dead bodies (I think this may have been the bloodiest episode in TVD history!). 

But perhaps, most importantly, this episode showcased the PHENOMENON that is Ian Somerhalder.  Damon Salvatore broke my heart, and RIPPED IT OUT, many times over, throughout this episode.  And his final scene positively stopped my heart.

Would someone PLEASE give this man an Emmy?  PLEASE!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s RIP into this recap.  Shall we?

(By the way, Katherine was no where to be found, anywhere in the episode.  Bonnie and Jeremy were missing too, for that matter.  Very strange . . .)

Worst Camping Trip EVER!

Question:  Which TVD character would you most want to go on a camping trip with?  Answer:  Not JULES! 

The episode begins with Jules waking up stark naked in the forest.  “Well THAT sounds like a FUN Camping Trip,” you say!  Ummm . . . yeah, but not when you wake up naked next to a HEAPING PILE OF GROSS DEAD BODIES AND DISMEMBERED LIMBS!

Realizing that her werewolf self must have REALLY gone off her diet last night (Campers are SO fattening!), Jules begins the process of torching the place, to destroy all evidence of her binge.  But when a park ranger arrives on the scene, Jules knows she has to think fast.  So she rushes into the bloody tent and starts fake crying about how “A Werewolf ate all my friends!  Boo HOO HOO  Wahhhh!”

Helpful Mr. Park Ranger decides to help “Poor Defenseless Jules” by “calling in the accident [to the local police].”  BAD MOVE!  Within a second, Jules has wacked Ranger Rick to death, with some nearby wood . . . and NOT in a good way.  See what I mean about this episode being a BLOODBATH?  We haven’t even SEEN the opening title card yet, and already there are approximately five dead bodies (4 campers, and one now-headless ranger).

(Something tells me there’s going to be some HEAVY competition for the Senseless Death Award tonight!)

Stefan rewards fans for surviving the hiatus, by taking off his shirt . . .

So, BEFORE the title card, we get LOTS of death and destruction, and within 30-seconds after it, we get a HALF-NAKED Salvatore!  You’ve gotta hand it to those TVD writers!  They sure know how to give us girls what we want!  Elena is greeted by Shirtless Stefan in his bedroom at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, because she cares deeply about us fans and our SUPREME case of Vampire Love Deprivation, she takes FULL advantage of the situation, by pulling him in for a sexy kiss.  (Wouldn’t you?)

Now, if this was DAMON, said kiss would be IMMEDIATELY followed by a raunchy sex scene of EPIC PROPORTIONS.  But this is the “Sensible Vampire Brother.”  And so Stefan decides he and Elena should “talk” instead.  “I’m going to totally ruin the mood, aren’t I?”  Stefan notes wisely, as he PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.

Mood = Ruined

In typical Sensible Stefan fashion, he would like talk to Elena about her Bad Life Decisions.  Specifically, Stefan is concerned about the Bad Life Decision, that caused Elena to “get in bed” with Elijah (See what I did there?), in order to, presumably, save the rest of the Scooby Gang from suffering Death by Santa Klaus . . .

Elena wryly notes all the times STEFAN has put HIS life in danger, to save her.  Speaking of putting one’s life in danger, it appears that both Elena and Stefan have been taking daily shots of vervain together, which is not nearly as fun as “shots of tequila” . . .

The purpose of this exercise is two-fold.  First, they want to provide Elena protection from ALL the evil vampires that will inevitably try to kill her throughout the rest of the season. Second, they want Stefan to build up a vervain tolerance, a la Vampire Katherine.  Speaking of Vampire Katherine, Elena is postively THRILLED that her doppelganger is still locked away in that tomb.  However, she can’t, for the life of her, understand how Elijah was able to COMPEL her to stay there . . . her being . . . you know . . . a blood sucker and all.

Recalling his “conversation” with Vampire Katherine from the previous episode . . .

I wish my “conversations” went more like this . . .

 . . . Stefan notes that Elena’s Bad Mommy Isobel would be the best person to provide Stefan with the Cliff Notes version of the Original Vampires  for Dummies Handbook.

“Remember ME, b*tches?”

Elena HATES the idea of Stefan getting involved with her Mommy Dearest.  And yet, since she’s “in bed” with Elijah, she really doesn’t have the right to complain about who Stefan chooses to “hang out with,” now does she?

Tell Me Lies.  Tell Me Sweet Little Lies.

 

You know how, when you ask your boyfriend if “these pants make you look fat,” you’re really asking him to lie through his teeth, to make you feel better?  Well, apparently, the same goes for vampires Gnarly Grotesque Werewolf Bites.  When we first reunite with Damon, after a TOO LONG HIATUS . . .

Man, I LOVE this GIF!

 . . . he is playing Doctor Feel Good to an increasingly weepy Man Stealer Rose, who is waxing poetic about her LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG life.  Clearly feeling generous with his compliments, Damon compares Rose to a fine wine, which, if you think about it, is really just a nice way of saying you’re an Old Hag.  When Rose notes that perhaps her time has come to die (Oh, it HAS, honey!  It definitely has!), Damon chastizes her for being a Negative Nelly.  “If you are going to keep being maudlin, I’ll kill you myself, just to put ME out of your misery.”  (Foreshadowing much?)

Doctor Damon then prescribes Rose some tasty vampire blood.  (“Drink a cup of this, and call me in the morning.”)  Rose announces that she thinks the blood is helping her back wound.  But when Damon goes to investigate, it looks like TOTAL CRAP! 

“That is one SERIOUSLY UGLY back!”

And yet, having 140 plus years of practice at being the boyfriend of COUNTLESS girls (and then eating them, of course), Damon knows well enough that Rose wants him to lie through her teeth.  “It looks better!”  He fibs.  “And for the record, those pants don’t make you look fat AT ALL!”

Enter Elena . . . Damon wants HER to lie about Rose’s gnarly back too!

“Oh that sh*t is just GROSS!  That’s what you get for screwing with My Man, HO!”

Elena has come to ask Damon to talk Stefan OUT of contacting Isobel, because she thinks Elijah won’t like it.  Apparently, at some point, during the hiatus, Elena has become Elijah’s b*tch, in more ways than one.  But Damon AGREES with Stefan about getting help from Isobel.  (Hmmmm .  . . I wonder why!)

So, Damon’s not going to help Elena.  But he wants Elena to help HIM, by playing nursemaid to Brokeback Rose, while he heads out on the town.  “Elena is a do-gooder.  It’s in her nature.  She can’t resist,” remarks Damon.  (Awww!  He so luuuuuuuuves her!)

Before Damon can leave, however, Elena pulls him aside.  She wants him to talk about his FEELINGS because she luuuuuves him.  You see, Elena understands Damon, and knows that he’s affected by Rose’s upcoming demise.  Damon, however, isn’t quite ready to let Elena into his screwed up psyche again, not after what happened that LAST time . . .

“I luuuuve you.  It’s just too bad you can’t remember that.  Because we could have really great sex, if you did.”

“Death happens.  The sooner she dies, the better,” explains Damon.  (Awwww, Damon!  I agree.  But we all know you don’t really feel that way about your F*ck Buddy!  And the sooner you accept those feelings, the better!)

But Damon’s right.  All this death stuff is getting kind of maudlin.  It’s time for a change of scenery.  Don’t you think?

 It’s Barbecue Time!

Given that the first 10 minutes of the episode feature a series of dismembered bodies going up in flames, and a gross-out shot of Rose’s charred and bitten back, I’d say the fact that Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week is a Barbecue is a wee bit inappropriate.  Don’t you?

No matter though.  Everything is all rainbows and cute puppies, when Caroline runs into Tyler (who is looking positively adorable in his football uniform, by the way) for the first time since, well  . . . THIS . . .

Caroline, ever the cheerleader, is all peppy and friendly, as she congratulates Tyler on a a job well done, during Baby’s First Were Transformation.  “Last night was a victory. Let’s take it!”  Caroline exclaims.  “So, what do you say we have a little Victory Party in your bed?”

Tyler, though slightly “sore” from the previous night’s adventures (hint, hint, wink, wink) clearly feels a lot of gratitude toward Caroline for helping him through this difficult time, and tells her as much.  “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” he remarks.

Though their dialogue may seem benign enough, the whole scene is just CHARGED with delicious sexual tension.  Caroline keeps tilting her head to the side flirtatiously, blinking compulsively, grinning from ear to ear, and giggling like a school girl.  She also can’t stop staring at Tyler’s mouth. 

Can you blame her?

For his part, Tyler is looking at Caroline adoringly, his head cocked toward her, like she’s the most beautiful Baby Vamp in the world.  And he’s SMILING!  Tyler NEVER SMILES!  It’s enough to make me want to run through the television screen, rip off both of their clothes, and tell the two of them to JUST DO IT ALREADY!

So, it’s kind of depressing that Caroline has to ruin the mood, by telling Tyler that he sort of, kind of, almost killed her last night.  “It’s no big deal, really.  But . . . one bite, and it’s curtains for me,” Caroline notes nonchalantly.

Tyler wisely inquires as to how Caroline knew about the Legend of the Were Bite.  But Caroline demurs, asserting that she must have “read it somewhere.”  (Werewolf Bites for Dummies, perhaps?)  Unfortunately, before Tyler can piece together the extent of the sacrifice Caroline made for him, Matt arrives and cock blocks him .  . .

Caroline immediately starts babbling about how “there’s nothing between [her] and Tyler.”  And, you know what?   Me thinks thou protest WAYYYY too much!  But Matt doesn’t notice, of course.  Because Matt doesn’t really notice ANYTHING .  . . ever.

To prove this, he starts telling Caroline what a sublimely HONEST person she is, and how refreshing it is that she never keeps anything from him. 

Yeah, Caroline.  It was pretty hilarious, wasn’t it?

Matt then tells her, he’s not happy about the “way things are between them.”  (You mean because she’s in love with your best friend, Matt?)  To prove, just how NOT happy Matt is, he plants a long wet one on Caroline.  It was the third hottest kiss of the evening.  #2 went to Stefan and Elena, from earlier in the episode.  Number 1 is on it’s way . . . (How’s that for subtle foreshadowing? ;))

And how does Caroline respond to said kiss?  Well, she runs away, of course.  You see Matt? Werewolf Tyler tried to literally bite her head off in a dungeon, and she STAYED.  You made out with her for five seconds, and she LEFT.  That should probably tell you something. . . .

 Doing Damon’s Dirty Work (Sounds Kinky!)

So, Team Bad Ass is back!

Well . . . sort of.  I love how Alaric went from being Damon’s mortal enemy, to Damon’s ass-kicking buddy, to Damon’s b*tch in a matter of half a season.  We see Mr. Chunky Monkey himself . . .

 . . . lounging at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . . again.  (See, that’s one thing Damon and Alaric will always have in common, Alcoholism.)  Alaric’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to call Damon, when Evil Werewolf Jules arrives back at the bar.  And arrive she has!  Stefan has also arrived at the bar.  And though he chastizes Alaric for getting Dirty with Damon doing Damon’s dirty work, he too has a favor to ask the Scooby Gang Errand boy.  Specifically, he wants Isobel’s digits.

The Awkward Moment when the boyfriend of your Slutty Vampire Ex’s kid asks for your Ex’s number, so the two of them can hook up.

Alaric honestly doesn’t seem all that keen on Stefan contacting Isobel.  But, being the good Errand Boy he is, he promises to text Stefan with Isobel’s updated contact information, once he is able to track it down.

Rose Goes Batsh*t Crazy – Take 1

Bed head and pasty face . . . NOT a good look for you, Rose.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, things are getting hot and heavy between Nurse Elena and bed-ridden Rose.  For starters, they are hanging out in the Very Special Place where EVERY TVD viewer wants to be . . . DAMON’S BEDROOM!

Rose makes me like her a little more (a VERY little bit, mind you) when she forces Elena to admit that she’s massively turned on by being in Damon’s bedroom, and shocked that it’s not quite the Love Shack she expected it to be.  Elena was secretly hoping that Damon invested in silk sheets (MUCH better for screwing!).  No matter though, Elena.  I strongly suspect that Damon will BURN his bedsheets, now that Rose and her cooties have been in them.  His next pair will DEFINITELY be silk, for YOU.

Rose also forces Elena to see how lucky she is that two hot vampires LOVE her.  (Thank you Captain Obvious!)  She then chastizes her new Nurse for getting involved with Elijah, and risking her precious human life.  “You really are determined to die, aren’t you?  Rose inquires.  (Woah, Rosie’s on a roll!)

But then, suddenly Rose gets all loopy, and starts mumbling about the horses.  Next thing you know, she’s choking on blood, and spitting up.  So, Elena rushes to get her glass of water.  But when she returns, the Man Stealer is gone!

OK . .. I spoke too soon.  She’s not gone.  She’s just behind Elena, looking LIKE A CRAZED LUNATIC!

Rose pushes Elena up against a wall, and starts rambling on about how this is all HER fault.  Elena holds her ground, forcefully reminding Rose that she is ELENA, not Katherine.  Eventually, Rose snaps out of it, and starts blubbering about how sorry she is for trying to MURDER Elena, after having just told the poor girl not to risk her life.  “Don’t be scared of me!”  Rose insists, as she heads back to bed.  (Worst . . . advice . . . ever!)

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Salvatore Brothers Unite / Damon and Jules engage in a pissing contest

While he is waiting for his hot older brother Stefan gets a text from Alaric, including Isobel’s new number.  He rings her up, and leaves her a message.

“Yo Izzie!  It’s me, Stef!  Heeyyyyy!  We should totally meet up!  Drink some bunnies, talk about how we can control Elena’s life — it will be just like old times!”

When Damon arrives, all smouldering and angry, and sexy, Stefan tries to calm him down long enough to talk about his “feelings” regarding Rose’s probable demise.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)   “I’m FINE!”  Damon exclaims, which, by the way, is the Official Motto of the NOT Fine.

Stefan kindly reminds Pissy Damon that the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is unusually crowded today.  (Doesn’t anybody work or go to school in this town?)  So, ripping Werewolf Jules’ spleen out of her throat here would probably be ill advised.  (But A LOT OF FUN!)  Damon then confronts Jules, and asks for a Werewolf Bite Cure, in exchange for her getting to keep her spleen.  It’s not much of a bargain really, and Jules tells him as much.

“Spleens aren’t essential organs, anyway.  So there!”

Jules tells Damon that the only way to “cure” Rapid Vampire Zombie Rose is to drive her stake through her heart, which we all pretty much already knew.  She then tells Damon to bite her, before stalking out like the Evil People Eater she is.

“You want me to bite you, Jules?  Well, that can be arranged . . .”

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Rose Goes Batshit Crazy – Take 2

Someone get this chick a bib . . . and a muzzle!

Elena has kindly brought Rose some fresh bed sheets.  (I bet they aren’t silk though!)  However, when she returns to Damon’s bedroom . . . SURPRISE . . . Rose is gone again!  (Honestly, I’m not sure why they didn’t chain that b*tch to the bed, the first time.)  Unfortunately, Elena doesn’t have Evil Zombie Vampire GPS, so she tries the next best thing.  She calls Damon. 

 “Get the f*&k home you, Bloodsucking Bastard!  Your Lunatic Screw Toy is TRYING TO KILL ME!”

Elena finds Rose stuffing her face with Damon’s and Stefan’s soccer mom blood stash.  When Elena confronts Rose, she GOES NUTS!  (Must be a Closet Eater!)  Looking bloody, gross and nauseating, Decrepit Zombie Rose chases Elena through the house.  And suddenly, this has gone from The Vampire Diaries to Dawn of the Dead 2: Electric Boogalo0.  When Elena opened her curtains and let the Sunscreen Ring-free Rose’s skin get burned by the sun, I CHEERED FOR JOY!  (She deserved it, dammit!)

But then, Elena DUG HER NAILS in Rose’s gross werewolf wound!  And, I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

Elena then wisely holes herself up in Damon’s study.  Dimwitted Rose never seemed like much of a reader.  So, Elena feels safe there.  Through the door, Rose starts apologizing to Elena, and telling her she “won’t try to kill her again.  She promises.”  (Yeah, Elena!  And if you believe that I have a Statue of Liberty I’d like to sell you for real cheap!)

Fear not, though.  Because Elena is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.  And she doesn’t trust that Rapid Zombie Vamp for a second!

When Elena finally finds the courage to leave the study, armed with a stake, she runs into Damon.  “Where’s Rose?”  He inquires, clearly concerned.

“Why, she’s at the Mystic Falls barbecue, gnawing on a janitor, of course,” replies Elena. . .(or, at least, that’s what she WOULD reply, if she actually KNEW what Rose was doing).

Civil Service is a MIGHTY dangerous occupation in Mystic Falls.   Random Janitor guy, this award’s for you!

Matt Donovan, “You Can’t HANDLE the TRUTH!”

Also at the barbecue, is a decidedly less Bloody Matt, who wants to know why Caroline ran away from his tongue kisses, and what exactly she’s hiding from him. 

“Watch this, Matt!  Maybe it will help!”

A tearful Caroline tells Matt that she loves him, which, if you didn’t know she was a vampire, would probably seem like the biggest non-sequitur ever!  Fortunately, before Caroline is forced to explain herself, Matt gets distracted by a Shiny Cheerleader seeking Hamburgers.  So, Caroline takes that opportunity to escape.

“You Went on a Murderous Rampage.  It Happens!”

Damon and Elena find Rose, at the barbecue, eventually.  But not until AFTER she kills YET another unsuspecting Mystic Falls resident, by breaking in to the roof of her CAR!  Rose feels kind of guilty for all the eating she’s been doing (PIG!)  But Damon, ever the non-judgmental f*ck buddy, doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  “You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens,” he assures her.

Back in bed, Rose starts monologuing about the joys of humanity, and how Elena, should appreciate her life, and blah, blah, blah . . . I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

Damon tells Elena to leave, and does a bit of Inception Mind F*king on Rose, placing her in a dreamy version of her home village, where she lived when she was human.  Rose has long crimped 80’s hair now, and a fugly floor-length blue dress.  It’s all very Little House on the Prairie.  Rose and Damon have a perfectly idyllic time together in dream land, racing through the fields, reminiscing about old times.  Meanwhile, in the REAL WORLD, Damon is cradling a sleeping Rose, with a stake poised at her chest.  And he is CRYING . . .

Damon hesitates a bit.  This is clearly hard for him.  But eventually, he stakes Rose.  It’s a mercy killing, really . . . She was in pain.  And she was PAINFUL to watch.  Now we have ALL been put out of our misery .  . . well, except for Damon.  And he’s miserable enough for all of us!

Damon drives Rose’s body out to Sheriff Forbes, who has been compelled to forget that he’s a vampire.  So, she thanks him profusely for keeping the town “safe” from vampires, and bids him adieu.  When he arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena is waiting there for him.

Elena understands Damon in a way that nobody else does, not even Stefan.  And she knows he’s hurting.  Damon, however, is not willing to admit his pain to the woman he loves . . . yet.  “You want to hear that I cared about Rose.   I didn’t”

“I don’t believe that,” Elena presses.  “You feel something.”

“I feel it, and it SUCKS,” Damon admits.  “Especially, because it was supposed to be me.”

“You feel guilty,” Elena notes.  “You are so close [to humanity].  You can’t give up.”

At this point, Damon fires back at Elena, telling her what everybody else has been thinking, ever since she made that fateful deal with Elijah.  “All you’ve DONE is give up!”  (And then again . . . perhaps, Damon’s talking about Elena giving up on her romantic feelings for HIM!  Yeah, that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part.)

“Go home, Elena,” Damon repeats sadly.  “I’ve had enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”

“OK,” Elena relents. 

She then turns to leave, but not before turning toward him, and offering him a sweet and powerful embrace.  Their eyes lock for a moment, and volumes of thoughts and emotions are exchanged in a single glance.  For a moment, it looks like they might kiss.  But it wouldn’t be the right time, not now.  Instead, Damon puts his head on Elena’s shoulder and allows himself a few quiet sobs.  It’s touching, and beautiful.  And I only wish it lasted longer . . .

Speaking of scenes I wish lasted longer . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s a Forwood Ambush KISS!

Remember earlier, when I was ranking the episode’s steamiest kisses?  Here comes #1!

When Caroline arrives home from the Barbecue, Tyler is waiting for her on her porch.

“We need to talk,” Tyler opens. 

(Usually, those are words signifying BAD NEWS.  But that’s not so, here.)

“Why would you risk it?” Tyler asks, referring of course to the couple’s night of hot passion, and Tyler’s poisonous teeth.

Caroline downplays the extent of her sacrifice for Tyler, explaining simply, that he needed help, and she was there.  But Tyler is not so easily convinced.  He senses that Caroline has some romantic feelings for him, ones that mirror his own.  And, so he presses further.  “I don’t understand you, Caroline!”

Caroline can’t take it anymore.  Overwhelmed with emotion, she lashes out at the Baby Wolf.  “Why is it so hard for you to let people help you  .  . . to let someone care?   Well, I’m sorry Tyler, but I cared.  I care about you.”

And that’s all Tyler needs to hear.  He rushes to Caroline, and presses her up against the wall, holding her face, and kissing her passionately.  No longer able to control her emotions, she kisses him back with an intensity and fervor, she never knew was possible before. ( Intense Nights Spent in a Dungeon with a Hot Naked Boy can do that do a girl.)  And yet, I had to wonder, whether, if a Werewolf Bite could kill a vampire, what would a Werewolf Hickey do?

Caroline must be thinking about this too, which is why she pulls away from Tyler. 

Baby’s first Vampire-gasm

  “We can’t do that,” she exclaims.

Rather than argue with her, Tyler actually apologizes, which makes me love him even more. 

“Everybody needs to stop kissing me!” Caroline whines, as she rushes into the house. 

(Coincidentally, Caroline, if you ever get tired of all that pesky kissing, I’d be MORE than happy to take your place.  Just sayin’)

Evil Jules Does the UNTHINKABLE

His heart still filled with love, and his tongue still covered in sweet vampire saliva, Tyler heads toward the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to meet up with Jules, who seems to have been there ALL FRIGGIN DAY.  (Just what Mystic Falls needs!  Another Alchy!)  Jules doesn’t waste any time, clawing her way into Tyler’s head.  Within a matter of about a minute, she’s dropped about five bombshells on the poor werewolf.  And here they are:

(1) She knows about him and Caroline, and their (True Natures)

(2) Uncle Mason is DEAD.

(3) Caroline may have played a role in his demise.

(4) Mystic Falls is crawling with vampires, and Caroline is in league with them.

(5) Mystic Falls will soon be crawling with werewolves like Jules and Tyler.

Poor Tyler!  It seems Damon isn’t the only TVD guy in serious need of a hug!

Speaking of unwanted guests invading Mystic Falls,  did I mention that Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in town?

Hmmmm . .  . I wonder if Elena’s less than proud papa is going to ask Jeremy for his Ring of Immortality back, now that  vampires will most likely be trying to kill him again . . .

Damon has an Emotional Breakthrough (and Breakdown)

A highly distraught, emotional, and . . . you guessed it . . . WASTED, Damon is lying around in the middle of an abandoned road, when an unlikely driver comes upon him.  Her name is Jessica, and she is definitely in for a ROUGH NIGHT!

Damon compels Jessica to stand still, but doesn’t compel her to be calm, which would have made things much more pleasant for her, I think.  He needs someone to talk to, and she’s there for him, whether she wants to be, or not.  He is lost . . . metaphorically, and existentially . .. and she . . . a human, and a female, represents the crux of his existential crisis. 

Elena’s words to him about him being “so close” to humanity are clearly on Damon’s mind, when he says, “All I’ve got is trouble . . . I’ve got a secret .  . . I can’t be what SHE wants me to be . . . This is who I am,” Damon cries.

 He is unhinged, and more emotional than we have EVER seen him before.  (It’s heartbreaking and fascinating to watch.  And if Ian Somerhalder doesn’t get an Emmy nomination for it, I will personally drive down to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences and give them a piece of my mind.  Anybody with me?)

Jessica pleads with Damon for her life.  “Are you going to hurt me?”  She whispers.

“I’m not sure,” he replies truthfully.  “I’m NOT HUMAN . . . and I miss it . . . more than anything.  That’s my Big Secret,” admits Damon,  his voice choked by tears.

He then sets Jessica free, and the viewers breathe a sigh of relief.  But, in typical TVD fashion, just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, EVERYTHING CHANGES.  Moments after Damon let’s the girl go, he rushes her, and kills her.  His bloody face filled with pain and remorse, once he’s done. 

 (“You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens!”)

As we focus on Damon’s vamped out visage, the music playing in the background, creepily belts out the words “Who’s next?” as the screen fades to black. 

Next week’s presumably werewolf-centric episode, entitled “Daddy Issues,” promises some tough times between Hot Couple, Tyler and Caroline, as the Bany Werewolf begins to question the Baby Vamp’s loyalties and true intentions.  Oh, and Elena seems to be wearing an ABNORMALLY high PONYTAIL.  What’s up with that?

You can watch the EXTENDED preview for the episode, here:

So, what did you think folks?   Did you enjoy The Descent?  Were you as NOT sorry to see Rose go, as I was?  Do you want to KILL Jules for turning Tyler against Caroline, as much as I do?  The comment section is all yours, my fello Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

39 Comments

Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Descent, The Vampire Diaries

Let’s Have Some Fun with The Vampire Diaries’ Promotional Posters!

Aside from being an amazing show, with stellar writing, and a talented, not to mention, sublimely sexy, cast, The Vampire Diaries is also known for its INGENIOUS marketing strategies.  Every few months, the CW marketing department releases a few new fabulous posters to promote the show.  These posters tend to feature one or more of the cast members in a sexually suggestive pose, adorned by both the TVD logo, and a titillating tagline, which hints a bit at what’s to come on the show. 

Here are a few of my favorite promotional posters, from The Vampire Diaries’ recent past . . .

In honor of the upcoming mid-season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has released three NEW posters, one featuring each of the show’s three main characters.  The first poster was released around the time that the show’s mid-season finale, “By the Light of the Moon” aired.  Elena was the focus of that poster. 

Its tagline,  “Death is a sacrifice Elena is not willing to make,” was a not-so-subtle reference to the dangerous deal Elena made with Elijah, in order to release Stefan from the Underground Tomb, where he and Katherine were heretofore trapped.  (It also probably referred to “The Sacrifice,” the title of Season 2’s tenth episode.)

The second new promotional poster was released in early January 2011.  I’m pleased to report, that it featured my FAVORITE character, Damon Salvatore, in a mesmerizing EXTREME CLOSEUP! 

As for its tagline, “Look out Damon, your emotions are showing,” it refers to Damon’s increasing inability to “turn off his emotions,” particularly when it comes to the people he loves (Stefan and Elena), and the friends, who have helped him along the way.  Could these not-so-hidden emotions impact his relationship with Elena, in the upcoming episodes?  Will Damon’s “forgotten” declaration of love to his brother’s girlfriend, be “remembered,” once again?  (MAN, I HOPE SO!)

The third installment of this new poster series, features Stefan Salvatore.  According to interviews with Paul Wesley, himself, his tagline,  “There’s a reason he always gets the girl,” refers to Stefan’s nefarious, almost Damon-like past, and the one woman in it who deemed him capable of redemption. 

This can only mean two things, TVD fans: (1) more flashbacks to 1864; and (2) DARK STEFAN RETURNS!

But why must Elena, Damon, and Stefan be the only cast members of The Vampire Diaries to get their own promotional posters?  What about the rest of the cast?  Honestly, I think this is a travesty of justice!  For this reason, I have decided to create MY OWN posters for some of the OTHER residents of Mystic Falls . . .

Here’s one for our favorite Baby Werewolf, Tyler Lockwood . . .

Not creative enough for you?  Perhaps, this one will be more to your liking . . .

But what about Tyler’s new Gal Friday, Caroline?  Surely SHE deserves a poster too!

In fact, I don’t think one poster is enough for Caroline Forbes.  After all, Vampire Barbie isn’t just a character, she’s a commodity to be “played with” by fangirls (and adoring boys) EVERYWHERE!

Having already covered, Tyler and Caroline, I would be remiss not to create a poster for the third point of that aforementioned Love Triangle.  Of course, I’m referring to the Cute but Clueless, Matt Donovan . . .

Speaking of Clueless, what about Aunt Jenna?  Doesn’t SHE deserve some poster love too?

While we are on the subject of Jenna, what about her dashing History Teacher Turned Vampire Slayer Boyfriend, Alaric Saltzman?  Surely, Damon’s bromantic buddy, and favorite weapons enthusiast is worthy of a poster all his own.  Isn’t he?

Hmmm . . . I think I’m missing a new couple here . . . Oh, I KNOW!  It’s Mini Gilbert and Bonnie the Teenage Witch!

But enough about all these Good Guys, I need some VILLAIN posters!   Let’s start with the biggest villain of them all . . . ROSE!  (Hey, she interferes with my Delena Mother Ship!  That makes her a BIG BAD VILLAIN, OK?)

But, you know, there are villains I ACTUALLY LIKE on this show.  And one of them is Kickass Vampire Katherine.  Granted, unlike the other cast members for whom I’ve created posters, Katherine HAS already been featured in promotions before.  (See the poster featuring her and Stefan, above).  Nevertheless, this Tomb-Dwelling Femme Fatale has never had her OWN poster . . . until now . . .

(It’s a Full House reference . . . just in case you missed it.)

Another villain we all love to hate, is the mysterious OLD VAMP, Elijah.  He’s smart, intense, wryly humorous, and scary as ALL HELL!  So, I for one, think it’s high time, he got inducted into our TVD Poster Hall of Fame . . .

Well, that about does it for the villains, we KNOW.  But what about the ones we haven’t met yet . . .  You all know who I’m talking about, right?  I’ll give you a hint, he’s a vampire who’s name rhymes with “mouse.” 😉

So, there you have it.  Now ALL of the main cast members of The Vampire Diaries have their own promotional posters, just in time for mid-season premiere . . .

Well . . . almost everyone . . . 

Speaking of “The Descent,” I am proud to report that my blogging pals, Amy from Imaginary Men and Cherie from My Spidey Sense is Tingling, will be LIVE BLOGGING the entire episode!  Be sure to check back here, later this week (probably this Tuesday or Wednesday) to find out how YOU can join in with the fangirly festivities. 

See you then, my fellow FANGBANGERS!

[www.juliekushner.com]

10 Comments

Filed under Promotional Posters, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries Episode 2.12 “The Descent” – Let’s Spoil and Speculate!

Well, hey there, Damon!  Long time, no see!  No really . . . it’s been too long . . . WAY . . . TOO . . . LONG!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  I hope that’s true.  Because, with The Vampire Diaries on hiatus for another two weeks, that’s all us fang-banging fangirls have got to tide us over until Thursday, January 27th, at 8 p.m . . . some pictures (along with an awesome extended promo and some pretty juicy spoilers, of course).

“Oh Rose, darling!  You must tell me where you get your makeup.  That shade of lipstick you are wearing is simply TO DIE FOR!”

By now, many of you have probably already seen the photo stills that CWTV.com released for its midseason premiere episode of The Vampire Diaries entitled “The Descent.”  Now, normally, when the CW releases these photos, I tend to flip through them relatively quickly, and then save them to my laptop (in an electronic folder entitled “Delena,” no less — my personal biases are a secret to NO ONE, least of all my personal computer), so that I can use them later in my recaps.  This time, however, I thought I’d do something a bit more fun with these photo stills than simply file them away . . .

If anyone understands the allure of a good photograph, it’s Vampire Katherine.

Here’s how our little game is going to work.  I’m going to post each of the photo stills CW released to promote “The Descent.”  Then, I’m going to speculate a bit about what each photo might mean to the episode, including relevant episode spoilers, to the extent that I have them. 

 

Fear not, Spoilerphobes!  I’ll always try to give you fair warning, before I start “spilling the beans” . . . or, perhaps I should say, “the fangs” on a particular episode plot point.  Though, in all honesty, if you ARE a Serious Spoilerphobe, and you noticed the title of this post, before starting to read it, in the words of Damon Salvatore . . .

I mean no offense, of course . . . I’m just trying to avoid having my head bitten off, later. 🙂

You understand . . . right?

Now, that we’ve gotten that part out of the way, this is the fun part.  After each picture, I’m going to include a poll that allows YOU to speculate about what YOU think will happen in the upcoming episode.  (Further, more detailed, speculation on your part in the comment section is encouraged, and much appreciated, of course.)  Then, when the episode actually airs, we can look back fondly on our speculations.  And depending on how we did, we can either boast about our obvious psychic abilities . . .

 . . . or hang our heads in embarrassment and shame, for how incredibly off our predictions actually ended up being . . .

So, strap on your vampirically-compelled thinking cap, and let the GAMES BEGIN!

I am actually going to group these first three pictures together, since they all seem to be related (and likely come from the same scene) .  . .

The stylish new gal with the bangs, and the skinny jeans, and the heels that seem way too dressy to be worn late at night on a deserted street in Mystic Falls is Ahna O’Reilly.  (At least, that’s her real name, her character’s name is Jessica.)  If you recognize Ahna, it’s probably for one of two reasons: (1) you saw her in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall; (2) you read one of the MANY articles, in which she told anybody and everybody who would listen, that her boyfriend, James Franco, is most certainly NOT GAY!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Though some articles seemed to suggest that these two were “getting cuddly” in the above pictures, I think the fact that Damon’s compelling Jessica in this picture seems pretty obvious, based on the way he’s holding her shoulders . . .

Connor from “Brave New World” would likely agree with my analysis . . . if he was still ALIVE. 

. . . the intense Svengali-esque expression on Damon’s face . . .

 . . . and the vacant obedient expression that Jessica seems to be wearing . . .