“Look at me. I’m looking at myself through a broken mirror, to symbolize my shattered youth, multi-faceted personality, and ‘broken’ sense of self. Wowwww . . . MTV is SOOOO deep.”
Here’s a scenario for you. You are 16-years old. One morning, you find yourself home alone, with no parental guardians in sight. There is a big fat wad of cash on your kitchen counter. You also seem to be having some major “issues” with your nether regions. What do YOU do?
Chances are, if you DIDN’T answer: throw a raging, drug and sex-fueled, party at your house, for the entire teenage population of where the heck it is you’re from, this probably isn’t the show for you.
You also may very well be an undercover member of the Parent Teacher Council.
If the film Home Alone was ever converted into a porno flick, I suspect it would look a lot like Episode 3 of U.S. Skins (which, coincidentally, looks almost EXACTLY like Season 1, Episode 4 of U.K. Skins).
Weiner Hijinks Ensue
Chris, is that a shower cap on your Mr. Happy, or are you just REALLY happy to see that stove?
In the opening moments of Skins‘ third episode, we are introduced (or re-introduced, rather) to slacker high school student, Chris. MTV’s website characterizes Chris as “happy-go-lucky.” And when we meet him in this episode, we learn that the description might not exactly have been referring to his “personality.”
In addition to Chris, we are also introduced to another character on Skins, one that plays a major part in this episode, and who may actually possess better comedic timing than all of the show’s cast members combined. Of course, I am referring to Chris’ . . . hot dog.
Thus proving that MTV shows will give absolutely ANYONE and ANYTHING a SAG card these days . . .
Case in point . . .
To kick off what I would hereby like to refer to as the “Chris and His Weiner Comedy Hour,” we are treated to a montage of sorts, featuring Chris and his Better (and Lower) Half, engaging in all sorts of zany fun! Here are just some of the highlights: (1) Chris and His Weiner feed the fish! (2) Chris and His Weiner try to pee, but Weiner shoots Chris in the face! (3) Chris and His Weiner take a Shower! (4) Chris and His Weiner make Eggs for Breakfast! (Are you watching this, Viagra? Because I’m pretty sure MTV just wrote your next television commercial . . .)
Fun Times with Dick, however, is interrupted, when Chris finds something VERY SPECIAL on his kitchen counter . . .
Holy Smokes! It’s 1,000 blooming buckaroos, or, as the Cool Kids are calling it these days, One G. It’s like CHRISTMAS for Chris! (Weiner, however, who was hoping for yet ANOTHER box of Viagra, can’t help but be a tad disappointed.) Not sure of how he should proceed, a still half-naked Chris, tapes Weiner to his pant leg . . .
“I’ll BE BACK!”
. . . and invites his friends over for a
Highly Homoerotic Kitchen Encounter Pow Wow of Epic Proportions.
Does anyone else think that Nu-Tony looks a bit like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, or am I totally off base here?
While Stanley thinks that Chris should invest his wad of cash in some low-risk tax free bonds, and Weiner thinks he should invest in more Viagra, the rest of the crew seem to think that a Big Party is the way to go. So, a Big Party is what we get . . .
It’s a PAAAAARRRRTTTYY!
Weiner, of course, was highly insulted by the fact that, while Chris’ Nipples got to roam free and mingle with the rest of the party guests (See Picture Above), HE had to stay tucked away. Weiner needn’t have worried though, he was still the TALK of the party, and despite being, more or less, “hidden from view,” all eyes were DEFINITELY on him . . .
ABBUD: “Hey Tea, do you think Chris’Weiner likes me? Sometimes, I think he does . . . Other times, I’m not so sure.”
TEA: “Chris’ Weiner likes EVERYBODY, Abbud!”
While Abbud and Tea are discussing the logistics of Chris’ nether regions, Tony arrives to do what he seems to do best: Stare Longingly, and Silently Pine for Love . . .
Based on last week’s little Dance / Sex Session, we assume Tony’s Sad Little Eye F*&k is directed at Tea . . .
. . . but it very well may be directed at Abbud. On this show, you can never be too sure.
Speaking of people who like to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love, say hello to Cadie . . .
If you recall from last week, Cadie agreed to pretend to be sleeping with Stanley, because doing that “favor” for him would be, as she called it, “sweet.” (Little did she know that her favor had LESS to do with being “sweet” to Stanley, and more about Tony being able to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love in the general direction of Tea’s Naked Tatas, which Tea had promised to expose to the public, once Stanley cashed in his V card.) And yet, based on her behavior this week, it seems that Cadie would much prefer to ACTUALLY “make monkey” with Annoying Haired Stanley than just “pretend to make monkey” with him.
“I don’t know what ‘Making Monkey’ means exactly, but I sure hope it involves eating . . . Because I LOVE to eat!”
Unfortunately for Cadie, Stanley is too busy pining after Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle, to Make Monkey with ANYBODY!
Wait . . . so let me get this straight . . . Cadie wants Stanley, who wants Michelle, who’s with TONY, who wants Tea, who wants that Betty Boop chick from last week’s episode?
Somebody is going to need to diagram this for me . . .
Speaking of Tony and Michelle, SHE (Michelle) is naked in Chris’ bed, and HE (Tony) is also naked, and playing with fish. (This is, unfortunately, NOT a Euphemism for Sex, by the way.)
Michelle is, understandably, feeling a bit underappreciated in this situation. So, Tony tries to make her “feel better” by telling her that one of her tatas is bigger than the other . . .
“Ummm . . . thanks?”
This Oh So Romantic moment is interrupted by Stanley, who has come to borrow a shirt from Chris’ stash, because some girl puked on his . . .
Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part Deux . . .
While in Chris’ room, Stanley gets his first glimpse of Michelle’s Tatas.
Chris’ Weiner says, “Dammit! Why aren’t I in this scene? I could do really great work here!”
Knowing full well that Stanley is totally in Loooooove with her, Michelle boldly exposes herself to her boyfriend’s best friend, and asks for his opinion on her tatas. In response to this inquiry, an entranced Stanley blubbers on for about two minutes about how his “eyes are blurry” or something, and rushes out of the room. Meanwhile, Tony, who is probably dreaming of Tea’s Tatas’ at the time, looks on, boredly amused.
“Your eyes are supposed to BLUR TOO!” Michelle, notes to her boyfriend angrily.
Tony rolls his eyes, and then proceeds to screw Michelle . . .
Hot for Teacher
Back downstairs at the party, Chris’ Social Sciences teacher, Tina, arrives. Apparently, Chris is in Loooooove with her. (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?) So, he invites her over to his house, under the guise of planning a “Parent-Teacher Conference” of some sort. Once he’s got her in his clutches, however, the admittedly adorable (even though, honestly, he looks about 12) Chris takes advantage of this Excellent Opportunity by laying THIS gem, on his lady love . . .
“I think that dancing is like the best thing in the world. Because, it makes you healthy, but it also makes your mind better too. And, I know that you’re sad sometimes, and I hate that. So, would you just stay . . . and dance . . . Please?”
Honestly, who could resist THAT? So, Tina starts slow dancing with Chris. And, you’ll never guess what happens next . . .
Scotch tape can only hold back Weiner for so long, before it stages a revolt! So, Tina (who’s already sort of verging on Pedophile Territory, with the looks she’s been giving this Underage Student in the Elvis Costume) freaks out and bails, no doubt rushing back to the Bad 80’s movie from which she originated . . .
Life is HARD, isn’t it Chris? (hint, hint, wink, wink)
Tina’s departure more or less sent the episode, and Chris’ life, into a downward spiral. And the rest of the episode, was filled with a series of increasingly awkward (and kind of depressing) moments . . .
The Awkward Moment When You are Hiding in Your Mom’s Dresser Listening to Your Friends Engage in Homoerotic Conversations . . .
After a long night of partying and getting wasted, Chris’ pals have worked up quite an appetite! And, Chris, being the Good Host he is, decides to use the remainder of his Cash Stash to buy them all pizza. The problem is, he’s run out of money. So, Chris dashes up to his mom’s room to get some more. What he finds up there is . . . absolutely NOTHING.
Now, having seen the U.K. version of this episode before, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Chris found his mother’s room completely emptied of all of her belongings — a sure sign that she had abandoned her son, quite possibly for good. And yet, it is a testament to Jesse Carere’s acting skills, that my heart still sank during this scene.
In fact, in some ways, watching THIS Chris experience the loss was even harder, because he just looks SO MUCH YOUNGER and seems SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE than that perpetually hilarious old soul, U.K. Chris. As someone who ADORED U.K. Chris to bits, I very much appreciated this American actor’s decision NOT to try to replicate the former’s unmatchable performance. Instead, Carere gave HIS Chris, a sensitivity and sadness that was uniquely his own.
But, lest we become too maudlin, here comes Stanley and Tony with their Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 3 . . .
A poor and miserable Chris, hides in his mom’s empty dresser, as he listens to Stanley and Tony talk about how incredibly HAPPY Stanley should be for the opportunity to be having Fake Sex with Cadie. And then
they start having HOT GAY sex with eachother, like they’ve clearly been wanting to do for this ENTIRE EPISODE this happens . . .
Poor Chris, though clearly depressed about his future, tries to joke with the boys, and put on a brave face, by noting that his Weiner, has “gone to back to bed,” and hasn’t even TURNED BLUE! Tony, who knows a “Friend in Need” when he sees one, tries to cheer Chris up, by telling him his Weiner looks REALLY BIG NOW!
“Why, thank you, TONY! That’s so sweet of you to say!”
(Seriously? How GAY is U.S. TONY?! He can talk about Tea’s tatas all he wants. But we’ve known the guy for only three episodes, and he’s already hit on EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, at least once! In fact, I’m starting to think that, perhaps, the reason he likes Tea so much, is that he’s in the market for a Beard. )
*Sigh* . . . “Chris’ Weiner, I Loooooooove YOU!”
To cap off the conversation, Tony “kindly” informs Chris that, since the latter broke the mirror in his mom’s dresser, he now has seven years of bad luck awaiting him. Niiiiiice!
The Awkward Moment When Your Friends Learn that You Don’t Know what The Piledriver is . .
Chris, Tony and Stanley head downstairs, where no one has ANY money to pay the Pizza Man, and everyone is discussing Cadie’s and Stanley’s sex life. When a skeptical Tea begins interrogating the virginal Stanley about this, Cadie, inPtrying to be “helpful,” casually mentions that Stanley had her “in the piledriver.” Tea then slyly asks Stanley to elaborate. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .
“Ummm . . . is this going to be on the Virginity Test?”
For those of YOU out in TV Land who are wondering what the Piledriver is . . . ummmm . . . yeah . . . I’m not going to tell you. Sorry, but you just never know when the Parent Teacher Council is secretly reading your blog . . .
In order to pay the Pizza Man, Chris and Stanley head to the electronics store, to try to sell back the soundsystem that he had recently purchased for the party . . .
Unfortunately, the Ornery Sales Person at the counter notices some pastry inside the machine, and tells Chris that all sales are final. So, Chris and Stanley end up dumping the Sound System off at a junkyard, and exchanging it, and the wheelbarrow in which it came, for some drugs instead. They then head back to Chris’ house with nothing more than what appears to be a dime bag of Dirty Sanchez . . .
I’m still not sure how they paid that Pizza Guy . . .
Back at Chris’ house, while the rest of the crew is sleeping, Poor Smitten Cadie FINALLY gets the chance to GENUINELY cuddle up wth Stan . . .
Unfortunately for Cadie, all Stanley wants to think about, or talk about, is Michelle and her possibly disproportionate Tata’s. “Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back,” she tells him.
“Oops . . . sorry,” Stanley replies, shifting himself into a more PG-rated position.
Chris’ Weiner would like you to know that HE would not be so easily bullied!
Eventually, everybody falls asleep. The following morning, Chris and Daisy are the only ones still awake. So, they gab together over coffee mugs filled with milk. The result of this, of course, is that both of them have the cutest Milk Staches EVER!
In hindsight, Chris would have been much better off hanging out with Daisy for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, however, all his friends eventually leave (Daisy included). So, he stumbles up to his bedroom for some much-needed shut eye . . . but not before having a little Dirty Sanchez Party, of his own . . .
The Awkward Moment When You Go to Pee in Your Shower and Find Some Homeless Dude Living in It . . .
As if things weren’t going bad enough for him already, Chris wakes up hungover as heck. He then goes to the bathroom, and learns that someone STOLE HIS TOILET. So, he steps into the shower, and turns on the water, only to be attacked by some homeless dude, who, eventually LOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE, while he is BUTT NAKED!
(Chris’ Tatas and Bum, stick their metaphoric tongues out at his Weiner in TRIUMPH! It’s THEIR TIME TO SHINE, NOW!)
Chris’ Dad’s a Total DICK! (Not to be confused with Chris’ Weiner, which is lovely.)
For reasons I don’t quite understand, rather than running to one of his friends’ homes, Chris dashes off to the school. The Skins Crew meets him there to give him some support. They also supply him with what appears to be the way too small t-shirt of an 8-year old girl, and some pants to wear. (Chris’ Belly Button CHEERS, “My turn, B*tches!”)
Teacher Tina is back, of course. And she wants to know what Chris plans to do about his living situation. Chris decides to try and live with his absentee father. Daisy agrees to accompany him to the guy’s home. While there, Chris’ Dad’s new wife, introduces Chris to the half-brother he never knew he had . . .
She also begins to show Daisy pictures of what she believes to be Chris as a baby. But the pictures actually end up being of Chris’ his brother Peter, who died very young. When Chris’ dad arrives home, he refuses to even SEE Chris. Devastated, the poor little guy dashes from his dad’s home, with Daisy hot on his heels.
Eventually, Chris arrives at his brother’s gravestone . . .
Once there, Chris shares with Daisy his most fond memory of his older brother, Peter. When Chris was a young child in day camp (or was it Boy Scouts? I honestly can’t remember), he apparently peed his pants in public. Rather than allow his little brother to be humiliated by his peers, Peter, who was a camp counselor at the time, lent Chris the pants off his bottom! Together, the siblings walked into the sunset hand -in-hand, one of them COMPLETELY PANTS FREE!
“Nobody laughed,” remarks Chris.
(Ummm . . . yeah, somehow I find THAT hard to believe . . .)
“Me too, and I was there!”
The Awkward Moment When Your Teacher Finds You Sleeping in the Trunk of Her Car . . .
Did I mention that Chris is LIVING Teacher Tina now? Or that she gave him a pet fish (pun sort of intended)? Or that he has inexplicably started taking her Estrogen Pills?
Yeah, because all THIS is not inappropriate, AT ALL!
Truthfully, not much happens at the end of the episode. Well . . . that’s not entirely true. Tea FINALLY shows us her Tatas at Tony’s house . . .
(Well, she shows THE CAST her tatas. We don’t really get to see anything — this, being the U.S. and all . . .)
And Tony. . . you guessed it . . . Stares Longingly at Tea and Pines for Love, as his little sister looks on with amusement . . .
“Oh, BROTHER! You are so obviously gay! Stop trying to pretend otherwise . . .”
Then the whole Skins crew piles on top of one another, which, contrary to what the Virginal Stanley would like you to believe, is NOT the same thing as a Piledriver . . . not even close . . .
And that was Skins, Episode 3, “Chris” in a nutshell. Next week, we watch as Cadie takes a lot of drugs, and Stares Longingly and Pines for Stanley’s Love some more. Surely, it will be a UNIQUE experience, unlike one we’ve EVER witnessed on this show . . . since the last time it aired.