Ahhhhh, February 14th! It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust. On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen. It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble. It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of . . . intense nausea.
Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .
But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you. Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret. And here it is: I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes. And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).
Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!
So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!
Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)
“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes. But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”
OK, Confession Time! So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves. ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .
Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?
When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .
No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.
Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates
No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!
“This is a Promise Ring Pop. It represents the Duration of Our Love. I’m yours, until the last lick. Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”
To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out
REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s. Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.” Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.” Unfortunately, she never did . . .
Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted
But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.). So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls.
“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty. She was such a Naughty Natty. That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .
You GO Puck! RIDE THAT PONY! (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)
You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .
“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.
You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?
ME! Santana! After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck. And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded. Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?
How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?
Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because . . . Do I really have to go there?
Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .
So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt.
(Nice product placement there. But wouldn’t it have been better if we . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)
But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman. So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more. . . meaty. Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse. As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale. And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!
Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent. But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions. So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her. Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement. So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to
Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.
But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!
B*TCH IS CRAZY!
So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .
Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this
Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE! Make it stop! Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow. (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)
And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .
But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn
(Why not? He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!
Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?
“Oh, come on! Don’t dump me NOW! Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated? Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”
If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments. Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .
Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!
So, Finn comes up with the
incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds. (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.) Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget. Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!
Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause. And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his
social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.
But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn. And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth. And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .
Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .
Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him.
“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”
“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation. (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)
“Don’t feel bad, Sam. Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”
So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .
Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .
Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening.
But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .
“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .
Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair. So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do? This sounds like a job for . . .
The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!
So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat. She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .
I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states. Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.
Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds? Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode. Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.
Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .
The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are
wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .
Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .
(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart. Something tells me he won’t be alone for long . . .
. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future. Way to go, Samtana!)
While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono. Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right). But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is, he wants to bang her ANYWAY!
“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes. What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant? You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”
Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin
(She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2. Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.
Speaking of Rachel . . .
Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)
“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”
Poor Rachel! She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck. This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck. However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her. Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID.
“What’s a girl to do?”
Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH. You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL. Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .
“W . . . T . . .F!”
When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single
until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.
“You need to shine. Just because I can’t be with you
because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.
It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .
Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .
Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her. (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?) She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like. He tells her it made him see Fireworks. (Asshat! Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)
“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?” Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.
LIE FINN! LIE! SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!
Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.
YOU SLIMY BASTARD!
Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him
for not giving HER Mono too. You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom. To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.
You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .
Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .
Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog. (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)
Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break. Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club. As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day. But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee
and what his favorite sexual positions are. When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM. (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)
Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap. The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .
“We are not safe in the outer world! What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”
Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.
“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”
And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive. Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .
Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening! Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine. All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.” And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!
Poor Jeremiah! If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.
A Brief Note to the GAP: This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD! Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!
Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?
You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:
Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem. For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics. (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”) And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes. (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM! Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)
“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”
Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.
“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here. Think anyone gay works THERE?”
Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog. Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are. They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another.
“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.
“I can see a resemblance. Don’t you?”
“Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.
Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!
Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson. And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon. It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies. And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?
Ummmmm . . .
TINA: “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”
BRITTANY: “That’s SO HOT!”
(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one. So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)
Tears of a Clown
Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy? No? Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .
Please, lord, make it stop!
But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!
Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy
or she will KILL YOU.
The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.
After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE? Way to live dangerously boys?). The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”
And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell. Did you like it? Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine? Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?