The Vampire Diaries’ Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: The Top Ten WINNING Season 1 Moments for OUR Team!

 

It’s a choice that heroines in teen dramas have had to grapple with for ages: the brooding and sensitive good boy versus the unrepentant and dangerous bad one. 

And nowhere on television is that eternal question more fully explored than on the CW’s The Vampire Diaries, where good can be bad . . .

 . . . and bad can be deliciously GOOD!

Unlike in other shows, where the “good guy” is so bland and boring as to make the heroine’s choice completely obvious, writers Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec actually make a startlingly good case for both the “straight-laced” Stefan Salvatore, and his “fun loving killer” brother Damon.  Nonetheless, a choice HAS to be made . . .

Threesomes are fun, but they can’t last forever . . .

 . . . and I’ve made mine.  In Stefan’s defense, 9 times out of ten, when this sort of question is raised, I will throw MY lot in with the Bad Boy, without a second thought.  But there is something about Damon’s and Elena’s relationship that makes it special.

Unlike most heroines in these type of dramas, Elena is NOT drawn to Damon out of any sort of need for rebellion against authority.  After all, Elena’s parents are dead, and Useless Aunt Jenna certainly isn’t going to be “reigning her in” any time soon.  As for Damon, well, sure, his attraction to Elena may have started because (1) he wanted to stick it to his baby brother; and (2) she looked SO MUCH like his ex .  . .

 . . . but that changed almost immediately after he met her. 

Damon and Elena understand one another in a way no one else around them can.  They know eachothers’ vulnerabilities and weaknesses, as well as their respective strengths.  This allows them to be at ease with one another, and let their guards down in conversation. 

When Damon and Elena are in the same room together, the sexual tension between them crackles and pops like a sparkler on Independence Day.  And even when they aren’t saying anything, the pair can carry on entire conversations through eye contact and body language.

This is why what I am about to do here is so difficult.  When EVERY interaction between two individuals is electrically charged with sexuality, emotion, and meaning, how can one POSSIBLY boil down their entire complex relationship into JUST 10 scenes?   Nonetheless, I figured it was worth a try.  What follows are ten Damon / Elena scenes from Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries.  These scenes, in my opinion, really encapsulate the pair’s relationship, and comprise the best of what this couple has to offer.

[Note: For whatever reason, The CW has always been a bit finicky about what videos it allows us fans to embed in our blog posts.  Therefore, most of the below videos will require you to click on an internal link, that will redirect you to YouTube, before you can watch.  That being said, when I tell you the slight inconvenience you must endure to see the videos will be entirely worth it, I promise, I am not lying . . .]

10) Damon and Elena get flirty in Elena’s bedroom . . .

Nothing says “manly” like a boy in a pink bed, cuddling with a Teddy Bear.

Episode: “Under Control” – 1 X 18

Setting the scene: Elena invites Damon over for an emergency meeting to discuss Stefan, who has been acting strangely ever since he ingested Elena’s blood, during the prior episode . . .

Potent quotables:

DAMON:  “You ask, I come.  I’m easy like that.”

DAMON: (Calls out to a suspicious Jeremy, who is eating cereal in the next room) “No, Elena, I will NOT got to your bedroom with you!”

Why it made the list:  I love how Damon challenges Elena’s growing attraction to him here, by invading her personal space.  Watch the glee Damon takes in laying on Elena’s bed, hugging her teddy bear, fingering her photographs, and fondling her bras and delicates.  Then, at the end of the scene, Damon invades Elena’s person, as he moves in close, trapping her up against the vanity table.  In that moment, without saying so, Damon is forcing Elena to confront her feelings for him, and how they differ from her feelings for Stefan.

9) Damon gives Elena a rose

Episode: “Under Control” –  1 X 18

Setting the scene:  Damon and Elena are at a Founder’s Day pre-party, where Stefan is drinking heavily, in an attempt to dull his hunger for human blood.  Elena expresses her concerns to Damon as the two sit next to one another at the bar.  But Damon is more concerned about Elena’s brother, Jeremy, who has been asking questions about Vicki Donovan’s death. 

 (Background: After Damon made Vicki into a vampire, she violently turned on Elena and Jeremy.  Stefan killed Vicki to save them.  Then, at Elena’s request, Damon buried Vicki’s body, and compelled Jeremy to forget what had happened.)

Potent quotables:

DAMON: (Mimicking Jeremy) “Oh, but sheriff, someone buried her.  Who would do that?”  (raises hand)  “I know, I know!  ME!”

And later . . .

DAMON: (Upon agreeing not to use any more compulsion on Jeremy) “OK.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Why it made the list: For me, this scene really illustrates the snap, crackle, and pop of Damon’s and Elena’s witty banter.  These two are clearly at ease with one another.  Check out the pair’s body language, as they angle their chairs toward eachother, and repeatedly brush limbs.  I also love the old-fashioned way Damon “courts” Elena, by selecting a rose from a nearby bouquet, sniffing it to make sure it is of top quality, and delicately placing it in her hand. 

So often, we forget that Damon “grew up” in the mid 1800’s.  This scene gently reminds us of that.  When Elena receives the rose, she can’t help but be flattered and intrigued by Damon’s gesture, even though she knows she shouldn’t be.

8 ) Things “heat up,” while Damon and Elena are in the kitchen together. . .

Episode: “Children of the Damned”  – 1 X 13

Setting the scene: Damon has dropped by the Gilbert home for dinner, unannounced.  After the meal, Damon and Elena wash dishes together.  Things quickly evolve from fun and flirty, to serious and intense, when Damon inquires as to Stefan’s true motives, in agreeing to help Damon free his long lost love, Vampire Katherine, from a nearby tomb.  Elena initially shrugs off the question, but Damon confronts her directly, imploring her to be honest with him.  She isn’t . . .

Potent quotables:

ELENA:  “Don’t do that”

DAMON:  “Do what?”

ELENA:  “That move was deliberate.”

DAMON:  “Yeah, I was deliberately trying to get to the sink.”

And later . . .

ELENA: “I’m wearing vervain, Damon.  It’s not going to work.”

DAMON:  “I’m not trying to compel you.   I just want you to answer me . . . honestly”

Why it made the list: So many of Damon’s and Elena’s interactions revolve around the issue of trust.  Can these two individuals trust one another?  Well . . . that really depends on the episode. 

For me, this scene can really be broken down into two parts.  The first part of the scene is lighthearted and flirtatious.  Notice Damon’s highly sexualized “Ohhh . . . mmmm” when he “accidentally” bumps into Elena on the way to the sink.  While Elena pretends to be annoyed by the grope, the sly grin on her face says otherwise.

The second scene is more intense.  Damon can sense that Stefan and Elena are lying to him, but instinctively trusts Elena, and refuses to believe she could do anything so dishonest.  When Elena accuses Damon of trying to compel her to tell him the truth, he appears to be truly offended that she would think he would do that to her, after all they had been through.  When Damon asks Elena if he can trust Stefan, he is revealing to her a vulnerable side of him that she hasn’t seen before.  She feels guilty about lying to Damon, as evidenced by the way her eyes drift downward, refusing to meet his, at 1:18.  Then again, she may just be mesmerized by those gorgeous lips of his . . .

7) Damon and Elena get wet (in the rain)

Episode: “Let the Right One in” – 1 X 17

Setting the scene: Stefan is being held captive by the Hidey Hole Vamps (a random plotline developed, and promptly discarded mid season).  The Hidey Hole Vamps came from the tomb Damon opened during “Fool Me Once” (Episode 14).  You know, the one that was SUPPOSED to contain Vampire Katherine, but didn’t?  So, understandably, Damon feels a bit responsible for his brother’s kidnapping.  Elena of course, is beside herself, and wants part in the rescue.  But Damon fears that if Elena comes along, the responsibility will become too much for him.  And he will lose both Stefan AND Elena, in the process.

Potent quotables:

DAMON:  (Lovingly cupping Elena’s wet face in his hands).  “Elena, I know.  But I don’t know how to get him out.”

Why it made the list:  This short scene is intensely emotional for both Damon and Elena.  Both characters have completely let their guard down.  Elena, who is intensely strong willed, and usually highly adept at keeping her emotions in check, is near tears, at the thought of Stefan being killed by the Hidey Hole Vamps.  She feels helpless, and has stored all her hopes in Damon. 

As I mentioned earlier, Damon feels responsible for this whole situation.  He desperately wants to protect Elena and Stefan, and fears he is about to let them both down.  Damon, who has always been supernaturally strong, and can usually mask his feelings with bravado and snark, is completely stripped down and vulnerable here.  And he hates it .  . .

6) Damon watches Elena sleep

Episode: “Friday Night Bites”  – 1 X 3

Setting the scene:  Ummm, I think you all are smart enough to figure this one out on your own . . .

Potent quotables: 

STEFAN: (in voiceover) “I felt there was hope.  That somewhere deep inside, something inside Damon was human, normal.”

Why it made the list:  This scene, from the third Episode of The Vampire Diaries, is important, because it is truly the first time we see anything resembling humanity in Damon.  Up until this point, all we have seen him do is kill and manipulate people.  Every word spoken by him had an ulterior motive.  Every gesture was made in malice.  Here, we know, Damon’s actions are completely uncalculated, BECAUSE no one else can see them.  Not even Elena, herself, who is unconscious the entire time. 

It’s a short scene, only a few moments long, and (aside from the voiceover) dialogue free.  But those few seconds speak volumes about Damon’s complexity as a character, and his early feelings for Elena — feelings that would only grow stronger, as the series progressed . . .

5) Elena falls victim to Damon’s “Eye Thing”

Episode: “Founder’s Day” 1 X 22 (The Season 1 Finale)

Setting the scene: Elena has just changed out of her 1800’s attire, following the Founder’s Day parade, and a ride on the Miss Mystic Falls float.  Ever since Elena’s biological mother told Elena that Damon “loved her” (“Isobel” – Episode 1 X 21) things have gotten a bit awkward among our favorite Vampire Threesome.  And Elena desperately wants to clear the air. 

Speaking of clearing the air, things of become unusually chilly between Elena and her little brother, Jeremy, following Jeremy’s discovery that Elena has been keeping information aboutVicki’s vampiric demise from him.  She also played a major part in having Jeremy’s memory of the event wiped from his consciousness.

Potent quotables:

DAMON:  “I like you better like this.  The period look, it didn’t suit you.”

ELENA:  “Is that an insult?”

DAMON:   “Actually, Elena.  It is a compliment, of the highest order.”

And later . . .

ELENA:  “So, I think you should stop with the flirty little comments, and that . . . Eye Thing . . . that you do.”

DAMON:  “What eye thing?”  (Does Eye Thing . . .)

ELENA: “Don’t make me regret being your friend.”

Why it made the list: In this scene, we can truly see how far Damon has come, from seeing Elena as a conquest, and a doppelganger of his long lost love, to being a sexy, intelligent, and caring woman, in her own right.  The fact that Damon prefers Elena wearing modern clothes, to Elena wearing Katherine’s clothes, speaks volumes about how much his feelings for her have grown.  Further evidence of that is found later in the scene, when Elena tells Damon not to make her regret being his friend.

Initially, of course, Damon’s face, which has been playful and seductive, since the opening of the scene, falls.  Here’s a sexy popular playboy, one who has NEVER had any trouble with the ladies.  And he has just been placed in the Friend Zone. 

But what makes things really interesting, is what Damon does next.  We watch as he takes a beat to ponder his relationship with Elena.  Instantly, he comes to the conclusion that a friendship with Elena would be far better than no relationship at all.  He nods sadly, but with a deep understanding and respect for Elena’s strength, as she goes to talk to Jeremy.  And don’t even get me started on that “Eye Thing.”

4) Damon tries to compel Elena to kiss him / gets slapped in the face

Episode: “Friday Night Bites:  – 1 x 3

Setting the scene: Damon has basically been compelling Elena’s friend Caroline to be his blood whore throughout the entire episode.  But Caroline has started to bore and annoy Damon, so he sets his sights on greener pastures, Elena’s.  Never one to go about things the “hard way,” Damon corners Elena, alone in the parking lot, during a high school football game.  He plans to compel her to be his love slave, just as he has done with Caroline.  Little does he know that Stefan has armed her with a vervain necklace, rendering her impervious to all mind control . . .

Potent quotables:

DAMON:  “You’re right, I do have other intentions.  But so do you . . . I see them.  You want me . . . I get to you.  You find yourself drawn to me.  You think about me, even when you don’t want to think about me.  I bet you’ve even dreamed about me .  . . (Damon’s eyes glow green, with the power of compulsion behind them).  And right now, you want to kiss me.”

And later . . .

ELENA:  “I am NOT Katherine!”

Why it made the list: The acting in this scene between Ian Somerhalder (Damon) and Nina Dobrev (Elena) was positively brilliant.  For starters, the sexual tension between these two is undeniable  — even though, at this point, Elena is trying desperately to deny it, and Damon is trying to force it, for his own personal gain.  When Damon first makes his speech about how “hot for him” Elena is, we, as viewers, know that a lot of what he is saying true.  Elena DOES feel drawn to Damon.  She DOES think about him, even when she doesn’t want to.   And she HAS dreamed about him.

But what’s really interesting is to watch the scene from Elena’s perspective.  That dreamy, faraway, look in her eye.  The way she keeps leaning closer and closer to him, as he speaks, unable to break eye contact.  The first time I saw the scene, I wondered, for a moment, whether Damon had SUCCEEDED in compelling Elena to want to kiss him, in spite of the fact that she was wearing vervain. 

Then I wondered whether Elena knew what Damon was trying to do.  Based on that theory, she was  just pretending to fall under his spell, only to catch him off guard, when she went in for the slap later.  But here’s the thing:  at this point, Elena doesn’t KNOW that Stefan and Damon are vampires.  (Notice how Elena didn’t catch on to Damon’s ironic intimation, that he was MUCH older than Caroline.)  So, she has no idea, they are capable of mind control.  So, Elena’s seemingly lovestruck initial reaction to Damon’s words?  It was REAL!

3) Damon and Elena do the “Mating Dance”

Episode: “Miss Mystic Falls” – 1 X 19

Setting the Scene: Elena has unwillingly agreed to take part in the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.  Stefan has agreed to be her escort.  But on the day of the pageant, Stefan mysteriously disappears.  (Turns out he’s gone all blood lusty, and has set out to eliminate Elena’s competition, by eating it.)  Unbeknownst to Elena, Damon has stepped in to fill Stefan’s shoes, and, subsequently, save the day.

Potent quotables:

USELESS AUNT JENNA:   “What is she doing with Damon?”

ALARIC:  “I have NO IDEA!”

Why it made the list:  Like the earlier referenced scene, where Damon watched Elena sleep, this scene is nearly silent, save for the music to which the contestants dance.  I love the first part of the scene, where Elena has her “Oh so Teen Cliched” Staircase Moment, and we see Damon’s eyes light up with love and sexual desire, as he sees her in that blue dress for the first time.

You can see the changes that take place in the couple, as the dance progresses.  When it first starts, the two are wary of one another, stiff and business like.  But then the music starts to take over.  Smiles form on their faces.  They are actually enjoying THIS! 

Damon’s a surprisingly good dancer (much better than his younger brother).  The first part of the dance, during which the partners can’t touch, is a mating ritual in every sense of the world.  Damon and Elena circle one another like predator and prey.

But things really heat up when they are finally able to grab hold of one another.  He grasps her body firmly, in a manner that is strong and protective.  They both get a bit lost in the moment, wanting to move in closer, but unable to do so, based on the regimented nature of the dance.  When the music stops, and the pair are forced to break from one another, they both seem a bit jarred by the intense emotions this experience has brought to the surface.

2) Damon kisses Elena Katherine

Episode: “Founder’s Day” – 1 x 22 (Season 1 Finale)

Setting the scene: At the Founder’s Day Carnival, Bonnie, at Elena’s behest, used her magic to rescue Damon from death by fire.  Filled with gratitude, Damon goes to Elena’s house to set things right with Elena’s brother, Jeremy, by explaining to him, what truly happened with Vampire Vicki.  As he leaves the house, he runs into who he THINKS is Elena.  (It isn’t . . .)

Potent quotables:

DAMON:  “I’m not a hero, Elena.  I don’t do good.  It’s not in my nature.”

KATHERINE (as Elena):  “Maybe it is.”

And later . . .

DAMON:  “She did it for you [saved me], which means that, somewhere along the way, you decided that I was worth saving.  And I wanted to thank you for that.”

KATHERINE (as Elena):  “You’re welcome.”

Why it made the list: At first blush, it may seem like sacrilege to put a scene that didn’t even INCLUDE Elena, in a list of the “Top Ten Best Damon and Elena” scenes.  But the fact remains, that, from Damon’s perspective, this WAS Elena, to whom he had bared his soul, and with whom, after an entire season of trying and failing, he had finally shared a kiss.  All this time, us fans always assumed that Damon did “bad things” simply because he wanted to.  Now, we realize, that he did them, because he thought himself to be completely incapable of goodness.  He is confused by, and uncomfortable with, his growing humanity, but at the same time, excited by it.

And Damon is excited by Elena, who for the first time, seems truly open to his advances.  He kisses her tentatively at first.  And then, when she doesn’t pull away, really lets himself get carried away in the moment.  His hands cup her face, his fingers run through her hair.  All thoughts of this awful day, escape from his head, and all that is left is love and passion.

In hindsight, we can see that “Elena” was different — that she seemed colder and more aloof, then she had in previous scenes.  A few cocked eyebrows and vague responses here and there, betray Katherine’s lack of knowledge, as to what has been going on in Mystic Falls this season.  She notices the change in Damon immediately, and is bit intrigued by it, especially since, all this time, she thought SHE was the only woman who held any power over him.  And when they finally kiss, Katherine shows none of the extreme guilt the ever-faithful Elena would experience had she just made the decision to cheat on her vampire boyfriend.

And it’s this complexity, that makes the scene so compulsively watchable . . .

And finally . . . (drumroll please)

1) Damon returns Elena’s necklace

Episode: “Fool Me Once” – 1X14

Setting the scene: Having recently learned that Stefan and Elena have stolen the spellbook that he needs to free his love Katherine from the tomb, Damon feels hurt and betrayed.  After all, the couple had promised to help him get Katherine back, and Elena had given Damon his word that their intentions were genuine.  Later, Elena comes to visit an uncharacteristically broody Damon at his home, waving the metaphorical “white flag” and carrying the proverbial “olive branch.”

Potent quotables:

ELENA:  “I was protecting the people I love, Damon.  But so were you, in your own twisted way.  As hard as it is to figure, we are all on the same side, after the same thing.”

DAMON:  “Fool me once, shame on you.”

And later . . .

ELENA:  “You and I, we have something.  An understanding.  And I know my betrayal hurt you — different than it was with Stefan.  But I promise you, I will help you get Katherine back.

And still later . . .

DAMON:  I didn’t compel you in Atlanta, because we were having fun.  I wanted it to be real.  I’m trusting you.   Don’t make me regret it.

Why it TOPPED the list: This scene contains everything we LOVE about Damon and Elena, all rolled up into one beautiful and sexy package:  the witty banter, the silent looks filled with meaning, the complex innuendos, the invasion of personal space, gentle caresses, and an admission, on both Damon’s and Elena’s parts, that their relationship is special.  It travels far beyond the expected boundaries of friendship.  The episode, begins with a betrayal of trust, and concludes with the ultimate exchange of trust.  Elena, who has always secretly worried that Damon has been trying to compel her (how else could she explain her strong romantic feelings for him), really puts herself out there for Damon.

By taking off the vervain necklace that protects her from mind control, Elena is exposing herself completely to Damon.  She might as well be standing naked before him.  And Damon, who wonders whether he will ever be able to trust Elena again, has the perfect opportunity to exert ultimate power over her.  And just like in Atlanta, he refuses to take that opportunity.  He will not take advantage of Elena in that way.  When Damon closes in on Elena, and reaches behind her to take the necklace, she is frightened and a bit aroused.  All of this is evident, when, to her surprise, Damon gently clasps the necklace back around her neck.  

A gentle brush of Damon’s fingers across Elena’s throat is enough to send her eyes rolling back in her head in pure ecstacy.  But this scene isn’t just about sex or power.  It is about love, friendship, understanding, and a willingness to let someone see you at your most vulnerable.  And THAT is why this scene made Number One on my list . . .

Season 2 of the Vampire Diaries premieres Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m. on The CW, and we all know what THAT means — more juicy Damon and Elena scenes to gush over and explore.  I for one, CAN’T WAIT!  Can YOU?

Neither can HE! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

So You Wanna Be a Vampire? Read this before making your “life-changing” decision.

 

As a recapper of television shows involving vampires, and a voracious reader of “vampire literature,” people often write to me requesting information on how one should go about turning into a vampire.  I always welcome these questions.  After all, the decision to make the “human-to-vampire transition” is not one that should be taken lightly.  And I’ve seen far too many friends jump into this life choice, without having been truly informed as to all of its attendant consequences.

It’s like my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Vampire Sara once said: “Life is short, but immortality is forever.”

Don’t believe Vampire Sara? Just ask THIS GUY . . . He’s ANCIENT!

Since, regretably, I do not have the time to answer ALL of your questions (I am only human, after all), I’ve decided to devise this list of Frequently Asked Questions on the topic of vampirism.  Hopefully this list will serve to shed some light on this increasingly prevalent issue.

1) How do I go about becoming a vampire?

There are some shows schools of thought that would have you believe that in order to become a vampire, all you have to do is be bitten by one.

Still other movies like The Lost Boys schools of thought would suggest that you can become a vampire, merely by drinking a few sips of another vampire’s blood.

Well GEEZ!  If THAT was the case, EVERYBODY would do it, now wouldn’t they?   Unfortunately, making the transition is not so easy.  For starters, in most cases, it involves you DYING!

NOT FUN!

So, how do you die?  Well in most cases, a hot vampire can kill you, by draining all of the human blood from your body.

If you are lucky, he will break your neck first, so you won’t actually feel any pain when he does it.  And if you’re REALLY lucky, he’ll let you dance with him, half-naked, first . . .

The next step involves YOU drinking vampire blood.  This part can be tricky.  Especially, if you are already dead, and therefore, not  thirsty.  So, I say, drink lots of vampire blood NOW, while you are alive.  This way, by the time you want to turn, it won’t be an issue anymore.

Not sure where to get vampire blood?  Call me . . . I have some L.A. connections . . .

But don’t wait too long . . . because I have a feeling my “connection” is going to “dry up” real soon.

For those of you with cash to burn, rumor has it that, somewhere in a remote village in Alaska, there is a medical clinic that can perform the procedure in three days.  So you can become immortal, and be back at work in NO TIME!  The procedure is performed by a well-renown plastic surgeon  . . .

. . . and a highly experienced anesthesiologist . . .

All it takes is a simple lethal injection, and a quick-as-a-wink blood transfusion.  The best part?   NO unnecessary bodily decay or unsightly death scars!   In fact, many local celebrities have already been spotted frequenting the clinic  . . .

Feel free to contact the Alaska Division of Tourism for more information on this exciting opportunity.

2) All the vampires I know are young and/or hot.  I’m old as dirt and ugly as sin.  Can I still be a vampire?

First of all, sir.  I am SURE you are NOT nearly as old or ugly as you say you are. (pauses to look at the picture included as e-mail attachment – gags reflexively)

Hmmmmm . . . OK . . . well . . . Surely, there are SOME vampires that are neither young nor hot.  Let me think about this for a moment . . .

Nope.  You are right.  Unfortunately, there just doesn’t seem to be a real market out there for old ugly bloodsuckers.   Sorry about that.  Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time . . .

3) What about that whole “can’t go out in the sunlight” thing?  I’m kind of a morning person.  So, I’m not sure I could handle that.

I can see how the whole “sunlight allergy” and “dead until dark” thing, could put a real crimp in your social and professional life.  Fortunately, today’s vampires have found many ways around this pesky inconvenience.  For example, you could, wear ugly sun-repellant jewelry like those boys in The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . or pour glitter all over your naked body, like a drag queen at a gay nightclub  . . .

And if THAT doesn’t work, just suck it up and hang out with other vampires, who keep your same hours . . .

After you’ve become a super cool vampire, you aren’t going to want to associate with us lame ass humans, anyway.

4) I’m a pretty peaceful person.  I just don’t know if it’s in me to kill other people for their blood.  How would I survive?

Wait . . . you mean to tell me that you DON’T lick and bite people for fun?  Clearly, you are missing out.

You see, nowadays, most vampires don’t need to kill to survive.  There are lots of other options available to you.  For example, you can take a little nip of your lover during foreplay.  Very sexy!

You can also “borrow” blood from blood banks, like that dude from Moonlight . . .

. . . Or drink that synthetic stuff that looks like beer, but tastes like orange soda . . .

And, FINALLY, if you HATE little defenseless animals, and have no heart, you can go out into the woods and drink from Bambi’s mother . . .

Personally, I think this is the WORST / most immoral of ALL the above options.  However, folks in the literary world seem to equate Deer-Sucking with sainthood.  So far be it for me to judge, right?

5) Will I have any special powers when I’m a vampire?

You mean, ASIDE from being IMMORTAL, HOT and TOTALLY AWESOME?  . . .  Plenty.  As a vampire, you will have super-human strength and speed.

You will also f*ck like a rockstar . . .

Some say that you can even fly.  But, as far as I’m concerned, the coolest vampire skill of all that you will obtain is your ability to control people’s minds.

Aside from being hot, young, and Olympic-caliber f&ckers, THIS is probably the main reason why vampires ALWAYS get their mate.  Call it compulsion; call it “glamour;” call it “persuasion.”  Whatever you call it, it always works the same way.  Stare at your target with your beautiful eyes.  She falls into a deep trance.  You tell her exactly what you want her to do.  She does it.  Now, how awesome is THAT?

6) Do I REALLY need to be invited in EVERY time I want to enter a new human’s home?

The fact that you are even asking this question tells me that you are a completely rude turd, with no manners whatsoever .  . . no offense.  YES, you have to be invited in!  But the better question is, why is that a problem for you?  Is it your “thing” to just randomly go barging into people’s houses uninvited?  Talk about a BAD house guest.

Fish and YOU smell after three days . . .

Coincidentally, if you REALLY want to get into someone’s house, and the person isn’t inviting you in, just COMPEL him or her to WANT to invite you inside.  Problem solved.

7) I’ve been a vampire for many, MANY years now. All my friends are dead.  I’m bored.  What do I do now?

Ugh!  Type O, AGAIN?  I just drank that on Tuesday!

Simple.  Off yourself.  There are plenty of easy ways to do it.  For starters, you can, go on vacation someplace tropical . . .

Take a long walk into a short stake . . .

 . . . lose your head . . .

(I made this picture small, because it creeped me out too much, when it was larger.)

 . . . or just hang out with Buffy . . .

You’ll be chilling in Heaven in NO TIME!  Well . . . maybe not Heaven . . .

8 ) Any parting advice before I make “the change?”

Yes . . . invest in some good dental insurance.  You are going to have some f*&ked up teeth, for sure!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you on the “Other Side.”

 [What is Life Sucks Death Bites?]  [What is The Exquisite Corpse?] [ Who is Bellamy Jordan?]

Lost: A Show About Science or A Show About Faith? – Thoughts on the END of Lost’s Series Finale “The End”

Last night, I wrote a blog entry, in which I discussed some of the lighter aspects of Lost‘s generally feel-good Series Finale, “The End.”  In it, I, more or less, completely refrained from discussing the show’s controversial ending, and promised to tackle that issue exclusively in another post.  Well, I’M BAAACK . . .

One Man of Science.  One Man of Faith.  The Island wasn’t big enough for both of them . . .  or was it?

In the last season of Lost, there was much talk and broohaha about this image, and all the ideas it represents . . .

Light versus Dark.  Black versus White.  Good versus Evil.  Heaven versus Hell.  And while that dichotomy was certainly central to the battle between Jacob and the Man in Black . . .

 . . . our Losties, for the most part, resided somewhere in between.  Much like the rest of us non-television characters, their morality was covered in shades of grey.   For them (and for us), the REAL battle for control of Lost island was one that was a lot less clear cut, making it a lot less certain who we should root for.  And, ultimately,  it was this battle, that took center stage during the final half of the Season finale. (After they, you know, got rid of that pesky Black Smoke thing  . . .)

Jack v. Locke – The Man of Science versus The Man of Faith

Although Lost undoubtedly featured many characters and their respective stories of redemption, at its core were the journeys of two men.  When we first meet Jack Shepard, he is the quintessential Man of Science.  He’s a surgeon, and about as left-brained as a person can get.  There is not a creative or artistic bone in this man’s body.  So, understandably, when it comes to matters of faith or destiny, he’s a complete Doubting Thomas.  For him, if an explanation doesn’t appear in a medical reference book, it just plain doesn’t exist.

John Locke, on the other hand, is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants, Man of Faith, guy.  He’s Mister “Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do.”  A guy who sees absolutely nothing wrong with signing up for a “walkabout,” despite being completely incapable of “walking about.”  Upon crashing on the island, he suddenly regains use of his legs, and, thereafter, becomes convinced that the Island is his Destiny.  He is absolutely certain that some higher power has brought him to the Island; and that he is, therefore, meant to remain and do great things there . . .

For the first Four Seasons of Lost, pretty much up until Locke’s “death,” we watched these two men battle it out with one another, arguing for the righteousness of their respective ideologies.  Neither man would budge an inch with respect to his position.  However, upon REAL Locke’s death, at the end of Season 4, things change for Jack Shepard.  During the last two seasons of the show,  Jack slowly evolved from a Man of Science into a Man of Faith. 

First, after escaping the Island as part of the Oceanic Six, he returns to it, believing he is meant to rescue the others who remained thereon.  In Season 6, when the Losties are once again ready to escape the island, this time on a boat, Jack jumps ship, convinced that the island “isn’t done with [him] yet.  Then, in the penultimate episode of the show, Jack LITERALLY drinks Jacob’s Kool Aid, and agrees to remain on the island, throwing away his promising surgical career in order to “protect” what, for all intents and purposes, was a Giant Lightbulb . . .

Scientific Answers versus Mystical Answers  – The SHOW About Science versus The SHOW About Faith

When it really came down to it, I think Lost‘s journey as a show, was similar to Jack’s journey, as a character.  Lost started out as a Show About Science (Science Fiction, perhaps, but, science, nonetheless).  In the show’s early seasons, many of the Island’s mysteries were explained through quasi-scientific means.  Flight 815 was initially thought to have been brought down, as a result of the Island’s unique electromagnetic properties, which were inherent to the Island’s location, but were also exacerbated by a Hydrogen Bomb buried beneath its surface . . .  These electromagnetic qualities also allowed the Island itself, and its inhabitants, to move freely through the time/space barrier and . . .  basically . . . time travel.

Those all important numbers, which Hurley chose in order to win the lottery, and which Desmond was forced to repeatedly punch into a computer screen to prevent the Island’s destruction . . .

Were part of the Valenzetti Equation, derived by members of the Dharma Initiative, to determine the exact point in time at which all human life would cease to exist.  The Dharma initiative itself was, more or less, a scientific research group, which took advanage of the island’s unique electromagnetic properties in order to experiment with various facets of human life, from a woman’s ability to give birth . . .

 . . . to psychology, subliminal messaging, and mind control . . .

Then, Season 6 came around, and like Jack Shepard, Lost had to go and get all “Faith-y” on us.  Island mysteries, like “why the plane crashed,” which had once been explained by science, were now explained as being part of the “Master Plan,” in a battle between the God-like Jacob . . .

 . . . and the Devil-like Man in Black . . .

 . . . for control of the Island, and, by extension, the souls of its inhabitants . . .

Supernatural, and biblical-type reasoning was now used to explain Island mysteries such as why MIB couldn’t escape the Island, why Richard Alpert wouldn’t age . . .

 . . . why Jacob and MIB couldn’t kill one another, how Locke became Flocke . . .

 . . . and who Adam and Eve were . . .

The Last Ten Minutes of the Finale Episode of Lost – Flash Sideways of Science (Time Travel) versus Flash Sideways of Faith (Purgatory)

So, I guess, it shouldn’t really have surprised me (but it DID!), that the final Lost mystery, the reason behind the Flash Sideways, ended up being a faith-based reason (preparation for the afterlife / purgatory) . . .

 . . . as opposed to a science-based reason (an alternate universe created as a result of Juliet’s detonation of the hydrogen bomb at the end of Season 5).

And, I have to say, that the fact that this promo picture, released just before Season 6 began, didn’t give the religious implications of the finale away to me, makes me more than a bit mad at myself . . .

I guess, when it really comes down to it, how you felt about Lost’s final moments (MULTITUDE of unanswered questions notwithstanding), really comes down to which side of the Man of Science / Man of Faith debate YOU fall under.  Me, personally?  I’m a bit more of a “science” girl.  So, I was a little disappointed that the Flash Sideways World did not, in fact, end up being the hydrogen bomb-created alternate universe I had initially envisioned. 

Plus, Flash Sideways World just seemed so PERFECT!   And because I’d truly grown to love these characters, having spent six years with them, I really wanted this world to exist FOR THEM!  Because, without it . . .

Ji Yeon would REALLY be an orphan . . .

David Shepard would COMPLETELY cease to exist . . . Oh, and most of the Losties would already be DEAD!

 . . . including THIS GUY!

But, putting my personal feelings aside, the fact that the Flash Sideways World ended up being purgatory makes sense, BECAUSE everything was so perfect there.  In essence, Flash Sideways World gave our main Losties the oppportunity to redeem themselves from wrongs they felt they had committed during their actual lifetimes .  . .

Jack Shepard had a bad relationship with his father, who degraded his worth constantly, and always chose his work over him, so in Flash Sideways World Purgatory he was a supportive and understanding father to his son . . .

During his lifetime, Sawyer was a con artist, who shunned justice.  So, in purgatory, he was a detective, who fought hard to protect it.

Sorry! I know technically I should have found a “cop uniform” pic of Sawyer, but I just couldn’t help myself . . .

On the island, Kate unknowingly abandoned Claire, and ended up raising her child, Aaron.  But in Purgatory, she guides Claire through the birthing process, and allows her to raise her own baby . . . And, as for Claire, she gets to keep her kid, and not become a skanky haired wackadoo.  YAY!

In the real world, Sayid’s murderous lifestyle resulted in the death of the love of his life, Nadia.

In Purgatory, he lets his brother marry Nadia instead, and, in doing so, probably spares her life.

In the real world, Desmond loved Penny Widmore, but her father’s disapproval of him kept the two of them apart.  In Purgatory, Desmond works for Charles Widmore, and has gained his utmost trust and respect . . .

In Purgatory, Hurley isn’t a loveable loser who won the lottery and STILL can’t accomplish anything.  He’s a loveable WINNER, who get’s the girl and is rich enough to employ the ENTIRE CAST OF LOST!

Purgatory Ben is a kindly history teacher who saves Alex’s future, by sacrificing his own personal success to ensure her entrance into an Ivy League college, instead of . . . you know . . . GETTING HER KILLED!  And Purgatory Locke is a pretty nice guy too, and Ben’s BFF to boot!

And, as I mentioned before, Jin and Sun, actually get to raise their kid Purgatory World.  Plus, they successfully ditch Sun’s Asshat Dad.

Matthew Fox probably explained the whole “purgatory thing”  best, in his post-finale interview with Jimmy Kimmel, when he said something to the effect of: “There’s a school of thought that, after you die, you go to a sort of ‘waiting place’ in which you encounter everyone who was important in your life.  Once you have reunited with, and reconciled with, these people, you can truly accept your own mortality and . . . move on.”  (And you just KNOW Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse fed him those words, because Matthew Fox may be smart, but not THAT smart!)

I’ll have to admit that when Christian Shepard (and if THAT’S not a “Man of Faith” name, I don’t know what is) . . .

 . . . . appeared in that Non-Denominational (or, rather, ALL Denominational) Church / Temple, OUTSIDE of his own coffin, and replied to Jack’s question of “How did you get here?  Aren’t you dead?” with . . .

 “How did YOU get here?”  . . .

I screamed at the television . . .

“YOU PROMISED THEY WEREN’T DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME, J.J. ABRAMS!  YOU LIAR!  I JUST WASTED SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR YOU!”

But then, when Christian explained that, “Everything that happened on the Island was real . . . Everyone dies eventually . . . Some of these people died before you, some long after you .  . .” I calmed down a bit . . .

And in the penultimate scene of the show, when Jack stumbles out from the cave, lays down on the ground next to doggie Vincent, watches his fellow Losties successfully escape the Island on a plane, and, subsequently, CLOSES his eyes in death, just as he had opened them so many times during the LIFE of the show, I thought to myself, “What an appropriate ending . . .”

But then they HAD to show me this . . .

While the producers didn’t go as far as I feared they would, by showing me a heap of dead bodies lying amongst the wreckage, they showed me enough to make me wonder if I was being f**ked with.  And I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER intriguing, but unnerving, Open-Ended Series Finale that left me with more questions than answers . . .

(Special thanks to njean666 for this fabulous clip)

They never make it easy for us, do they?

Another Bloody 12-Step Program – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Under Control”

“Dude, I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!  The last thing I remember is going into a tattoo parlor and asking for some pegasus wings on my back . . . OH CRAP!  REAL WINGS!  How the f&*k did these get here?  Damon’s NEVER going to let me live this one down . . .”

Tonight’s installment of The Vampire Diaries featured an in-town party,

LOTS of booze,

SOME making out,

SOME brawling,

and a heaping helping of Julie Cooper-Nichol Melinda Clarke.

In short, it reminded me A LOT of this OTHER show I used to watch . . .

“Welcome to The VD, BITCH!”

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

The Things We Cannot Change . . .

When we last left Stefan, he found himself hooked on . . .

 . . . having tasted his girlfriend, Elena’s, during a particularly weak moment.  When we see Stefan, this week, he is struggling to quit the stuff cold turkey.  His brilliant plan for achieving this goal?  LOTS of sweaty pull-ups  . . . which, again, I think, was only included in the episode, so that we got the opportunity to see Paul Wesley look like this . . .

 . . . and AGAIN, I’m OK with that!

Unfortunately, for Stefan, his brother, Damon, is a TOTAL enabler . . .

 . . . and SMOKIN’ HOT (just saying).  So, Damon, who is a pretty big blood drinker himself, continues to randomly leave vials and glasses of the “red stuff” all around the mansion, where these two dapper drinkers currently reside.  “Why can’t you just get blood from a blood bank, like the rest of us?”  Damon inquires.

Now THIS development is very interesting to me . . . You see, I was always under the impression, that while Damon occasionally imbibed a “soccer mom” or two from vials of blood stolen from a hospital or blood bank, human skin was his “glass” of choice.  Perhaps, I always assumed this, because many scenes in The Vampire Diaries book series, featured a super sexy Damon compelling a young innocent lass to offer up her body for feeding.  The act of “drinking” these females was always overtly sexual.  And Book Damon, to his credit, always left the bitten ladies in bed asleep, with no memory of the event, except for some VERY SWEET DREAMS!

Truthfully, this has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine!  And I was more than a bit disappointed when Damon admitted he hadn’t “had a human in years.”  It also raises an interesting point.  If Damon and the other vamps, drinks solely from blood banks, and Stefan repeatedly goes out into the woods to eat Bambi’s mother . . .

 . . . and other assorted forest creatures, heretofore alive and well, wouldn’t that make Stefan more of a killer than his brother? 

Also, we noticed, throughout the episode, how DANGEROUS Stefan’s newfound cravings for human blood were causing him to become.  EVERYONE suddenly became a target .  . . even Elena.  Given that, wouldn’t Stefan’s imbibing of blood bank blood make him less harmful to the people he cared about, not more?  The only possible explanation I could think of as to why we should be rooting AGAINST Stefan becoming a HUMAN blood sucker, is that his LOOOOONG absense from the stuff, has made him . . .

 . . . in terms of blood drinking, almost as if he was a NEWBORN vampire once again.  And we learned, from Vicki Donovan a few episodes ago, just how DANGEROUS those newbies could be . . .

“Oh, BITE ME!  On second thought, let me BITE YOU . . . HARD!”

Most of the episode’s A-storyline featured Stefan trying to get a handle on his blood drinking by getting as wasted as possible on alcohol!

Somewhere underground, the creator of the 12-Step Program is rolling over in his grave.  Unless of course, HE is a vampire too!  If so, he probably doesn’t mind as much . . .

The result of all this DRINKING, is that Stefan, as Damon says, becomes sort of “fun,” for a change.  He compels the D.J. at the party to switch from the snoozy orchestral music he is playing, to the song Falling by Phoenix (which you may have recognized as the song from those cadillac commercials . . .)

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good song, and all.  But I, personally, think it would have been WAY FUNNIER if Stefan “requested” that the DJ play a song by Vampire Weekend.

The song, “A Punk,” for example, would have been FABULOUS for this venue . . .

All the while, Stefan was telling Elena and Damon he had things “under control.”  However, we could tell that this wasn’t the case at all when he (1) got all veiny, wrinkled, and puffy eye baggy, when things got hot and heavy with Elena in her bedroom; and (2) twice almost killed that random dude for having the NERVE to knock into and be rude to Elena at the party (which was kind of hot, I have to admit).  But “rock bottom” for our pal Stefan had to be when Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom . . .

 . . . got a massive cut on her head.  In a move that was both incredibly creepy, and intensely sexy, at the same time, Stefan placed his hand gently on Julie Cooper Nichol’s Matt’s Slutty Mom’s wound, rubbed it with his fingers, and then proceeded to amorously lick his hand like a VERY DIRTY cat.

“Mmmmmm . . . Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom Guts . . . DELICIOUS!”

At the end of the episode, Stefan gives in to temptation, chugging down a blood-filled tumbler that his brother strategically left on the bar for him.  And again — I have to ask — is this necessarily a bad thing?

The Senseless Death That Was Neither Particularly Senseless, Nor Deadly .  . .

So, at the beginning of the episode, this guy shows up at Elena’s doorstep, and I IMMEDIATELY don’t like him, because he walks with his hands clasped between his legs, like a VERY MEAN AND SCARY principal I used to have in elementary school (RIP Princi  – PAL).  Apparently, this guy is Uncle John Gilbert — a man who once slept with . . .

Aunt Jenna, and MAY have slept with . . .

Elena’s biological mom, Isabel.  WOAH!  What are you telling me, VD?   Elena’s UNCLE did the deed with both Elena’s AUNT and Elena’s MOM?

Incest much?  It took me a few takes to remember that Aunt Jenna is the sister of Elena’s adoptive mom, Uncle John is Elena’s adoptive dad’s brother, and NONE of these people are at all related to Elena’s biological mom!  This makes the whole situation less gross . . . but only slightly.  It still strikes me as a bit “too close for comfort,” if you know what I mean . . .

Anyway, Uncle John immediately starts making trouble in Mystic Falls.  First, he threatens to take Elena’s deceased father’s office, which Elena and Jeremy inherited in their parents’ will, away from them.  THEN he reveals to the town council that a bunch of blood banks are reporting stolen vials of blood and missing employees, prospectively exposing all the vampires in Mystic Falls, not to mention cutting off their nutrition supply.  Uncle John then reveals to Damon that he knows EVERYTHING about the Salvatore brothers, including that they are vampires, and that they were responsible for opening the underground tomb containing Mama Pearl . . .

 . . . and the other Hidey Hole Vamps.  Damon takes quick action, like the Rambo Bad Ass, he is!

Our Main Man breaks Uncle John’s neck and tosses him off the balcony, before I could even utter the word “Douchebag.”  And I must admit, I CHEERED LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL, when it happened (maybe it was all those principal memories, getting the best of me).  “UNCLE JOHN, it gives me GREAT PLEASURE to bestow upon you the SENSELESS DEATH AWARD!”  I literally said, out loud, as I watched the scene.

 So, as you can imagine, I was just and confused and PISSED as Damon, when Uncle John showed back up at the party, alive and unharmed . . .

“He’s BAAACK!”

As it turns out, Uncle John was conveniently wearing that Can’t Be Killed Ring, also owned by Snoozy Alaric . . .

 . . . who, I must admit, I ENJOYED for the second week in a row, as he continued his awesome post-face punch Bromance with Hot Vamp Damon.

Apparently, like Alaric, Uncle John got the ring from Elena’s Surprisingly Slutty Biological Mom!

Uncle John also claims that HE was the one who sent Elena’s Slutty Mom to Damon, when she wanted to be turned into a vampire.  I’m not quite sure I believe him yet?  But, unfortunately, we will probably find out the truth in future episodes, as this AWFUL DUDE seems like he will be sticking around for a while.  Uncle John already kind of reminds me of a side-character from another show, who I DESPISED, but who never EVER seemed to LEAVE!

Marilyn from Big Love, anyone?

In other news . . .

Vampjer FINALLY Gets a Clue!

If you recall, newly-turned vampire Vicki was STAKED by Stefan, because she tried to kill Elena in a vampiric rage, while the lovelorn Jeremy watched in horror.  At Elena’s request, Damon compelled Jeremy to forget the entire traumatic experience, and believe Vicki had simply run away from home.  And that WAS what he believed — for a while, at least — until he developed a strange fascination with vampires, cultivated by, none other than his SORT-OF Gal Friday, Vampire Anna.

When Vicki was found buried in the forest, the coroner called her death a drug overdose.  “But then why was she buried?  Who buried her?”  Jeremy inquires, and rightly so.

The town council stonewalls Jeremy, when he inquires into the odd circumstances surrounding Vicki’s demise.  Even his sister, Elena, basically tells him to “let it go.”  At the end of the episode, a suspicious Jeremy breaks into Elena’s bedroom and finds her diary.  In it, he reads the whole Bloody Story.  And he is PISSED!

Also . . .

Drunk and Slutty IS as Drunk and Slutty DOES . . .

Still vulnerable from her daughter’s untimely demise, Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom gets wasted at the Founder’s Day Kickoff Party, and makes out with her son’s friend, Tyler.

“I totally POKED – HER!”

When Matt . . .

 . . . finds Tyler and his mom en flagrante, he freaks out, and moves to punch Tyler in the face.  But then, Tyler goes all rabid animal crazy on the poor guy’s ass!  And if you’ve read the books, or seen the spoilers, you know why.  Tyler’s dad slaps Tyler in the face HARD for losing his cool — making me feel bad for D-Bag Tyler, for the first time, since he’s been on this show.  And you just KNOW this isn’t the last we will see of THIS storyline . . .

Also, Matt kicks his Slutty Mom out of the house.  But something tells me, that ultimatum is not going to stick . . .

Well, that’s all I’ve got folks!  Tune in next week, when it appears that Sexy Damon (not Stefan) will be escorting Elena to the Founder’s Day Ball.  Let the sexually tense moments and sexual innuendos BEGIN!  Until then . . .

Sayonara, fellow Blood Suckers!

 

Saving Stefan Salvatore – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Let the Right One In”

 

“Let’s kick some Vampire Ass (but not mine, of course)!”

Before I put on my recapper’s hat, and attempt to provide you with some moderately (or, at least, minimally)  intelligent commentary on this week’s VD installment, I ask that you please forgive me my brief fangirl moment.  I LOVED this episode!   I LOVED it so much, in fact, that I would very much like to have hot raunchy sex with it;

marry it; pop out lots of babies from it;

and grow old with it, for vampiric eternity.

This one-hour, game-changing VD installment was packed to the gills with non-stop action, teen angst, and, of course,  drama, drama DRAMA!  A Buddy Cop-esque Bromance was born!  A darkside to a heretofore angelic character was exhibited!  Hearts were broken (and stabbed)!  Senseless deaths abounded!  A woman who at one time seemed long lost, was finally FOUND . . . but not in the way her friends and family had initially hoped!  Folks, it doesn’t get much better than this . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a fond look back at this pivotal, awesome-as-all-heck, VD episode!

Binge and Purge

“Do you think all this rain makes me look fat?”

It rained A LOT during this episode.  And not just drizzly droplets of rain, either.  Buckets of liquid hell rained down on Mystic Falls, throughout the entire hour, soaking all the characters to their core.  And while the “dark stormy night” cliche tends to be overused, particularly in films and shows of the supernatural horror genre, it really worked here.  Perhaps this was because most of the episode took place in broad daylight, a place of great discomfort for those light-hating vampires. 

It was the DISCOMFORT of the characters that really cinched the mood for this story.  After all, walking in the rain sucks.  Getting mud in your shoes sucks.  Falling down a hill and grabbing onto a hand attached to a dead body . . . well . . .  perhaps I’m getting  a bit ahead of myself here.

After declining Damon’s enticing offer of “two liters of soccer mom in the fridge,” a thirsty Stefan goes out in the woods in search of blood of the non-human variety.  There, he is attacked by two of EEVVIL Vampire Frederick’s goons.  Apparently, EEVVIL Vampire Frederick did not take too kindly to his girlfriend winning the “Senseless Death Award” last week, and sought revenge against this Kinder Gentler Salvatore, as  a result  . . .

“Payback’s a wet bitch, bloodsucker!”

The goons take Stefan back to Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole, and tie him shirtless to some ropes dipped in the toxic-to-vampires vervain.  Now, I’m pretty sure that the whole POINT of all this was for the writers to have some excuse to show us Paul Wesley looking like this . . .

 . . . and I’m totally OK with that!

When Stefan fails to come home from his personal “Hunting Party,” Big Brother Damon becomes a bit concerned, and rallies the troops for a rescue mission.  Damon’s first recruit for the “Save Stefan” team is, of course, Elena . . .

Her job on the mission?  Well . . . to look pretty, basically.  After all, Elena is a GIRL, and that’s basically ALL girls did back in Damon’s day, that and play croquet, drink tea, and discuss Jane Austen novels.  Although Elena desperately wants in on the “kick ass first, take names later” plot to save her man, Damon won’t let her.  Although he “feels her pain” about losing a lover to a Vampire Hidey Hole (memories of Vampire Katherine much?), her life is “valuable” to him and, therefore, not to be put at risk.  Now, I don’t know whether to be seriously turned on by Damon’s sexy gallantry here (He adoringly cupped Elena’s face in his hands when he said it.), or seriously pissed off by his rampant chauvinism.  Damn you, Damon and your confusing MIND GAMES!

Damon’s other recruit?  Alaric!

His job?  To BORE the opposition to death with his  snooziness.  Just kidding (sort of).  Actually, Alaric just so happens to have in his possession a golf bag full of vervain-tipped darts.  (Who doesn’t, right?)  Since, the only weapon Damon had for battle was his own lean muscles and generalized awesomeness, the Smart and SexyVamp figured that having Alaric’s weaponry as a backup certainly wouldn’t hurt. 

The problem? Apparently, back in the day, Damon screwed Alaric’s wife and turned her into a vampire.  So, she left his boring ass.  Not exactly the stuff “bromances” are made of.

Never one to give up without a fight, however, Damon resorts to Plan B.  In order to get his hands on those weapons, he tells Alaric that if Alaric helps him save Stefan, Damon will force Mama Pearl to give up the info as to where Alaric’s wife is currently located. 

  

Seeing as Mama Pearl also hates Damon’s guts, and could easily kick his ass (even with both of her hands and one leg tied behind her back) this is, of course, a bald-faced lie.  Fortunately for Damon, Alaric is desperate . . . and stupid . . . enough to fall for it.  And so, off head our two heroes into Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole.  It is there, that Damon meets the fusty Old Ms. Gibbons, who all of the vampires living in the Hidey Hole have been drinking, and mind-controlling lately. 

So, what does “Our Hero” do?  Well, he does what anyone would do in this situation . . .  he BREAKS HER NECK, of course!  Wait . . . what?

Senseless Death Award?  I think we have a winner . . .

Inside, Damon and Alaric, vervain tipped arrows in hand, proceed to kick some SERIOUS vampire ass, all the while, muttering hilarious one-liners to one another, like any good buddy cops would do.  Meanwhile, Elena is outside . . . LOOKING PRETTY, until she realizes that NO ONE CAN SEE HER.  So, Elena heads toward the Vampire Hidey Hole herself.  As I watch her do this, I’m praying that her “girl power” bravery, doesn’t cause her to get kidnapped or captured, thereby, ruining it for my whole sex, a la Kate from Lost, every single time she is placed in this exact situation.

Girl Powerless.

Fortunately, my girl Elena does not disappoint me.  Not only does she kick a bit of vampire ass on her own, her human hands are also NEEDED to untie the vampire-poison laced ropes from Stefan’s hot shirtless arms.  Damon and Alaric then assure Elena and the newly freed Stefan that they are not done KICKING VAMPIRE ASS . . . even though the reason for the ass-kicking is no longer in the building. 

So, out of the Hidey Hole and back into the rainy woods go Elena and a battle-weary Stefan, ALONE.  Soon after, the pair are attacked by EEVIL Vampire Frederick.  As a result, Stefan is seriously injured.  So, Elena takes one for the team, by allowing Stefan his first healing taste of human blood . . . hers.

And you really have to hand it to the producers of this show for avoiding the typical vampire flick cliche of making “feeding” look like hot sex.  Because when Stefan feeds off Elena, it doesn’t look hot at all.  It looks . . . well . . . like a girl getting her arm chewed off by some dude with rabies.  Then, when EEVVIL VAMPIRE Frederick comes back for one final scare, a Feral Looking, Drooling and Snarling, Stefan does him in for good, but, unfortunately, freaks the crap out of Elena, in the process.

“Gag me with a spoon!  I didn’t sign on for this sh&t!  Maybe playing croquet and ‘looking pretty’ isn’t such a bad idea, after all.”

Later that night, Damon heads out for drinks with his new bromantic partner Alaric, who shows his loyalty to Damon by . . . RANDOMLY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE! 

Super Sexy Damon = NOT a punching bag, POOPYHEAD!

Had he harmed an inch of that beautiful face, Alaric would be DEAD TO ME.  But Damon survived the faceplant relatively unscathed.  And so, I can officially say this about the typically snoozy Alaric . . . HE IS AWESOME!  (for now, at least)  When Drunken Damon arrives home, however, he finds Snarly Stefan huddled in a corner, having decided to take Damon up on his Bloody Soccer Mom offer, after all.  And you know what they say . . . once you go “Soccer Mom” you never go back . . .

 . . . and that was how Bambi’s mother got to live  another day . . .

Bite Me, Anna

 

In other news, Jeremy continues his campaign to get Anna to turn him into a vampire.  And it seems like Anna is about ready to take him up on his request.  Unfortunately, for Anna, she soon learns that Jeremy is “just not that into her.”  Turns out, “VampJer” prefers ACTUALLY DEAD girls to UNDEAD ONES.  Sucks to be Anna right now . . .

Speaking of Actually Dead girls . . .

The Senseless Death that Keeps on Giving . . .

The typically uber dull Caroline is out driving during the rainstorm, when her car gets  stuck in the mud.  To make matters worse, when Caroline gets out of the car to make a phone call, she falls down a hill.  Fortunately, a helping hand is there to pull her back to safety.  Unfortunately . . . that hand belongs to a corpse.

“And she TOTALLY screwed up my manicure too . . . BITCH!”

Poor Caroline!  Just when she thought her day couldn’t suck more, now she has to go tell all of Mystic Falls, including her boyfriend, who just happens to be Vicki’s brother, that Vicki is VERY dead.  And you KNOW how everyone just LOVES to shoot the messenger!  So, of course, upon hearing the news, Mattykins blows off Traumatized Caroline and rushes into Elena’s recently chewed-up arms . . . 

 Anyone have the number for a good therapist?  Because I think our girl Caroline is REALLY going to need one!

And that’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when the formerly Kinder Gentler Salvatore goes BAT SH&T BLOOD THIRSTY INSANE!!!!!! Is it Thursday yet?

 

“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!