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“We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

OK.  So what’s the deal with Vampires and their Dead People Souvenirs?  I mean, think about it.  We’ve got Russell and his Talbot-filled urn . . .

“I look like a delicious Blood Gelato!”

Eric and his daddy’s crown . . .

and Lorena and her Rib Cage Hat  . . .

You would think that creatures who have been around for hundreds of years would have learned a thing or two about CLOSURE, by now.  Apparently not . . .

The Softer Side of Eric Northman

Yes, I know that Eric and Sookie had NO SCENES together AGAIN this week.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t have scenes together on my blog, dammit!

After watching Eric behave particularly ruthlessly last week (He both hoodwinked the King, AND killed his lover.), it was interesting to see him vulnerable and very much on the defensive, this week.  When the episode begins, Eric Northman is on the run from Russell, with sexy bits of Talbot still hanging off his open-shirted body . . .

In fact, Eric probably could have really used one of THESE, today!   (More wishful thinking on my part.)

By the way, even though I was mourning the noticeable absence of Eric’s Blue Panty Dropper Sweater, this week . . .

Clearly, SOOKIE liked it too!

 . . . the sight of an Open-Shirted Eric on my television screen went a long way in providing ME with closure.  (Not to mention, more dropped panties in the TV Recapper Household.)

But I digress . . . So, Eric rushes into Fangtasia and instructs Vampire Pam that the two of them will need a place to hide, until all of this blows over. 

“They’ll never recognize us in THESE!”

Vampire Pam immediately suggests the duo hide out at Sookie’s house.

But Eric nixes the idea immediately, because that would be the first place Russell would look.

So, Vampire Pam suggests Dumb Waitress Ginger’s house, as a backup plan.

“Ooh, golly!  I just LOVE slumber parties!  I just wish they didn’t always end with me getting an STD . . .”

Unfortunately, before Vampire Pam can glamour Ginger into letting her and Eric stay at her place, the police arrive  . . . The VAMPIRE POLICE, a.k.a. The American Vampire League.

“The clothing may seem like a bit much.  But we just came from eating the cast of The Matrix.  All that tight leather just seemed too good to waste!”

For reasons that escape my understanding, Vampire Nan Flanagan immediately orders one of her crew of extras from Terminator 4 to “silver” Eric, which, I guess, is the vampire equivalent to tasering.

“I’m so friggin constipated!  I KNEW I shouldn’t have eaten Taco Bill for dinner, last night.”

“It’s called Compton-zuma’s Revenge,  b*tch!”

When the “silvering” happens, Ginger starts randomly screaming her head off . . .

I would have HATED to be on set the day they auditioned people for this character.  Can you imagine?  Hours and hours, of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

Yes, Vampire Eric (a.k.a. Mr. Stamina), we know YOU can imagine it very well.

As it turns out, Nan and her Robo Cops aren’t interested in Eric’s role in Talbot’s death at all.  Instead, they are concerned about the death of the Magister.

It’s OK.  I forgot about him too.  With all these pretty dead characters, the average-looking ones often get short shrift.

If you recall, it was Russell, not Eric,  over whom the Magister  . . . um . . . “lost his head” a few weeks back.  Eric tells Vampire Nan and her cronies as much, during his “webcam testimony.”  With a stoic expression that thinly veils his anguish, Eric (in a performance worthy of an Emmy nomination) completely exposes himself to the American Vampire League.  Fighting back bloody tears, Eric tells of his family’s demise by Russell’s army of V- addicted (leaving out, of course, the whole, “I only survived, because I was schtupping the milkmaid” part.) 

He also tells the Vampire League of Russell’s current dealings with werewolves, and his desire to overthrow the Vampire League, thus allowing vampires to walk the world freely, eating whoever they want, whenever they want them.”

“Check me out, on my high horse.”

Eric concludes with a request that he be allowed kill Russell, himself.

Nan agrees to take Eric’s testimony back to the American Vampire League for its review.  However, during that time, Eric and Pam are kept on lockdown at Fangtasia pending a verdict.  Fearing that the League will use Eric as a scapegoat for the Magister’s death, rather then prosecute the powerful King Russell, Eric mentally prepares himself to be put to “final death.”

In yet another emotional scene, Vampire Eric tells Vampire Pam that if he doesn’t make it out of this “trial” alive, Pam should create a new vampire.  “It is time for you to be a Maker,” says Eric, tearfully.

“My future Grandpa is SO HOT!”

It’s interesting that, while Vampire Bill considers his vampiric nature a curse, and was anguished over having to make Vampire Jessica, Vampire Eric clearly has pride in his species, and, apparently, feels some obligation to extend his “familial line” within it.

The next day Nan Flanagan returns to give Vampire Eric the good news.  Not only will he NOT be put to death for killing the Magister (which he didn’t do) or for killing Talbot (which he did), he will also be given free reign by the Vampire League to kill King Russell, provided he does so without the help or outward approval of the League.

“I know what you are . . . (but I plan to drag out telling you for as many episodes as possible).”

“I know something YOU don’t!  I know something YOU don’t!  Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Nahhhh!”

OK.  They’ve officially strung along this “What is Sookie?” mystery for WAY TOO LONG!  With all of this buildup, people are just bound to be disappointed, when they find out the truth.  Anyway, most of Sookie’s storyline this week involved her trying to figure out what exactly she is, and why her gifts seem to be, at least, partially, genetic.  (Jason has yet to exhibit glow fingers, to our knowledge.)

Perhaps, he reserves his glowing for OTHER parts of his anatomy, if you catch my drift . . .

When we first see Sookie, she is taking a bloody shower with Vampire Bill .  . .

Watching this particular “bloody shower” scene reminded me of two things . . . well, images, actually.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do!  Here’s image one . . .

 . . . and here’s (the much nicer) image two . . .

Unfortunately, this was NEITHER of those shower scenes.  In this one, Bill and Sookie exchange quite a bit of blood.  A portion of this is accomplished by Vampire Bill fervently jabbing his bloody finger into Sookie’s gaping wounds.   (Ummm . . . Owww?)  Believe it or not, this kinky sex act is actually crucial to the plot of this episode . . . And, no, I’m not just saying that sarcastically.

When Sookie emerges from her Shower of Pain, she stumbles upon a dead naked dude in her living room.  Now, while the Sookie of previous seasons would likely have reacted to the sight, by doing this . . .

“Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

 . . . new and improved Sookie just looked kind of bored.

“Dammit!  I ORDERED a TALL naked corpse.  This one is 5’8”, tops!”

When a contrite Vampire Bill tries to explain to Sookie his whole “dead werewolf sob story,” Sookie cuts him off, completely uninterested in any excuse he may have.  “There’s an old tarp outside.  We can use it to cover him,” she suggests helpfully.

While the on-again, off-again couple are dragging the dead body outside to be buried, they bicker like an old married couple about love, trust and relationship expectations.  I found this scene, in particular, a bit bothersome, as, during it, Sookie is basically reitering to Bill her “dumping” speech from the week prior.  Since then, precisely NOTHING has changed, of course.  All of the problems that existed in the relationship between Sookie and Bill previously (Sookie’s non-immortality, perpetual danger, a lack of love and trust) are still there.  And yet, Sookie took Vampire Bill back in less than an hour’ s time.  That vamp must be SUPER in the sack, that’s all I’M saying . . .

But, not as good as Mr. Stamina, I bet!

Once the body has been buried, Sookie begins to interrogate Bill about that dossier he seems to have on her.  “I don’t know how things were back in the 1800’s, but today, when your boyfriend keeps a file of personal information on you, that’s just plain creepy!”  Sookie gripes.

“It’s not just creepy, Sookie.  It’s Rib Cage Hat, creepy!”

Bill claims he collected the dossier to find out why Eric Northman was so interested in Sookie, so that he could “protect her” from Eric.

Why is everyone blaming Eric Northman for their problems, today?  We all KNOW from watching previous episodes that BILL and Queen Sophie Anne knew about Sookie’s “special  talents,” long before Eric Northman had any clue.   And in terms of Eric’s “interest” in Sookie, up until last week, IT has been almost entirely of a sexual nature . . .

Later, Sookie sits alone in her living room examining Vampire Bill’s “file” on her, which, truth be told, makes a WAY better scrapbook than the empty and super lame “Sookie and Bill” one, that Sookie cried over last week.

It figures that Vampire Bill would be good at this sort of thing.  Right?

In Sookie’s defense, Vampire Bill has had 100’s of years to practice the art of scrapbooking, while Sookie has had only about 26.

In the “scrapbook,” Sookie comes across an article about her father’s public claim that he possessed a “sixth sense” about certain things.  This caused Sookie to wonder whether other members of her family were telepaths too.  And THAT was where young Hunter came in . . .

“If  my son ends up being anything like YOU, I’ll kill myself.  No offense.”

While Sookie is examining Bill’s “pretty” scrapbook, she receives a call from her Counsin Hadley, who has somehow escaped the Vampire King’s mansion and wants to see her cousin before she leaves.  Sookie meets Hadley at a bus station.  There, Hadley apologizes to Sookie for blabbing the origins of her “super secret powers” to the ENTIRE vampire community.

Apparently,  Hadley had become deeply enmeshed in that comunity, lately, due to her having become Queen Sophie Anne’s favorite sex toy . . . . 

This is Hadley.

Of course, even though she has already told most of the Vampire World, Hadley NEVER tells Sookie, herself, what she is, because that would just be too easy . . . (She’s saving it for sweeps week, perhaps?)  Of course, Hadley has not only come to Sookie to apologize, she has also come to “test” her son. Hadley fears that if Hunter is “like Sookie,” that he will be in danger of being tracked down by the vampires too.  So, Sookie sits down next to Hunter and tries to speak to him with her mind.  Lo and behold, HUNTER is a telepath too!

When Hadley finds this out, she grabs her child and escapes the bus terminal,  faster than you can say, “Beeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!

“Was it something I mind read?”

Dream a Little Dream . . . of Electroshock Therapy.

That day, due to his ingestion of massive quantities of Sookie’s blood, Vampire Bill finds himself in the same cheeseball dream sequence Sookie inhabited just a few weeks earlier.  You know, the one with all the flowers and the spaced out dancers?

When Claudine .  . .

 . . . notices that Bill’s in her little “Hippy Dippy, Age of Aquarius” forest, she becomes immediately convinced that Bill has killed Sookie.  She then zaps his face with her glow fingers, causing him to crumble onto the grass.

Once, he has recovered, Bill tries to glean information about Sookie from Claudine.  Truth be told, Bill gets very little direct intel.  Rather, for most of the visit, Claudine continually (and annoyingly) babbles about how Vampire Bill is “stealing Sookie’s light” and blah, blah, blah. 

Claudine does, however, reveal to Bill that it is her purpose in life to protect Sookie.  “Wow, you must be doing a really sh*tty job, then.  Because that b*tch gets her ass kicked in almost every episode,” retorts Vampire Bill, echoing the thoughts of the entire True Blood fanbase.

And yet, sh*tty security detail or no, Vampire Bill leaves the dream sequence knowing EXACTLY what Sookie Stackhouse is.  “I know what you are,” brags Vampire Bill, when he reunites with her the next evening.

And .  . . then the scene ends.  You know what that makes YOU, True Blood?

Jason Stackhouse leads the War Against Inbreeding

“Take that procreators of two-headed babies!”

Speaking of cockteases, you know who else is one?  THIS GIRL!

Once again, Jason barges into Crystal’s trailer, and once again she is there with her betrothed (and probably brother) Felton.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Crystal tells that loony hick Felton that Jason RAPED HER!

Felton, who has always prided himself on being the ONLY one who can rape Crystal, charges at Jason, knocking his gun from his hand.  Then, Crystal, undoubtedly realizing that all of this is her fault, knocks Felton unconscious by pistol whipping him from behind. 

“Will you stop making me a rapist?”  Jason whines, as the two try to determine how to move the unsconscious Felton’s limp body.  The pair ultimately decide to tie him to a nearby tree in the forest, using rope (because handcuffs don’t work on him, according to Crystal).

Once that is done, Jason, doing an awesomely bad impersonation of a female for no reason whatsoever, alerts the authorities to Felton’s whereabouts. 

“While I have you on the phone, I was wondering .  . . can I borrow some tampons?”

In a surprisingly astute, though highly unethical move, Jason also plants a plastic bag filled with vampire blood in Felton’s pocket, before fleeing the scene with Crystal.

The next day, Jason and Crystal head to the police station, and are alarmed to learn that Kevin, the police officer who visited Felton on account of Jason’s call, was beaten to a bloody pulp by all the other inbreds living in the trailer park.  Now completely determined to get vengeance upon these Deliverance movie extras, Jason approaches Andy with a surprisingly devious and well- thought out plan as to how the Bon Temps PD can infiltrate and arrest the entire trailer park.  The plan is to use the (planted) bag of vampire blood found on Felton as  probable cause to search the trailer park’s premises for crystal meth.  The fact that JASON came up with this idea, and Andy didn’t leads to only one logical conclusion.

 . . . these two have temporarily swapped brains.

But Jason and Andy weren’t the only ones not acting like themselves this week.  You know who else wasn’t?  THIS GUY  . . .

When Calvin Norris, Leader of the Inbreeds, came into Merlotte’s to chew out Crystal for snitching on her own family, Sam surprised everybody, by going totally Incredible Hulk on his ass, tearing up his own bar, and knocking over Crystal in the process.

After Calvin was shipped off to the hospital, Jason triumphantly shared with Crystal his “brilliant” plan to bring down the evil members of her trailer park community.  He presumed this Great Ideea would help him get laid  . . .

 . . . again.  Instead, Crystal cried hysterically at the thought of her father/brother, cousin/ grandfather, sister / mother-in-law etc., possibly going to jail.  She then stormed out of Merlotte’s, leaving a flustered and highly unsatisfied Jason in her wake.

“So much for an early Christmas present.  Maybe there is no such thing as Santa Claus, after all . . .”

Franklin’s BACK!  Annnnnnnd . . . now, he’s gone again!

I never realized how much I truly missed using this disturbing picture in my recaps, until I couldn’t use it anymore . . .

If Jason was suffering any ill effects from his recent endeavors with Crystal . . .

. . . he sure wasn’t showing it.  In fact, when Jason saved Tara from the clutches of the Evil and Unsquashable, Franklin Mott, he seemed like he had Balls of Steel!

But, perhaps, I should backtrack a bit.  When we last saw Franklin, he looked a lot like THIS . . .

 . . . because Tara had hit him with THIS . . .

 . . . while he was sleeping.

Understandably, this was a highly traumatic experience for Tara, who spends most of the episode coping emotionally with her post-traumatic stress.  She even attends a rape support group, alongside, new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly.  Then, toward the end of the episode, Tara finds herself face to face with her living nightmare, once again . . .

“I’m Baaaack!”

Giving no explanation whatsoever as to HOW he survived Tara’s head bashing, Looney Franklin accosts Tara outside Merlotte’,s and threatens her life.  His threats are surprisingly half-hearted, as the vamp actually appears to be more HURT than angry that the “love of his life” tried to literally bash his head in with a blunt object.  In fact, when Tara informs him that she would rather die than spend another second with him, Franklin actually looks like he is about to cry.  And it is in that teary moment, that JASON COMES TO THE RESCUE!

In his THIRD smart move of the night (I’m pretty sure this is a record of some sort.), Jason somehow has the foresight to preload his gun with wooden bullets, which are the only kind that can actually KILL vampires.  (Apparently, Tara could have saved herself a lot of trouble, by simply doing some internet research at the Big Gay Mississippi Mansion where Franklin was holding her captive.) 

So, Jason fires a few rounds at Franklin, and THIS happens . . .

Talk about CLOSURE!

In Other News . . .

Arlene, convinced her new baby will be EVIL . . .

. . . because it’s REAL daddy was a serial killer . . .

 . . . talks to new waitress, Holly, about terminating her pregnancy.

Plus . . .

Hoyt and Jessica . . .

 . . . FINALLY shared a sweet moment together . . .

. . . after weeks of pining after eachother separately.   In fact, Hoyt went as far as to admit that he HATED his lame-ass, biscuit-baking, antique- scouting, doll-hugging, new girlfriend, Summer . . .

 . . . but was staying with her anyway, because he was afraid to be alone.  This admission caused the Baby Vamp to burst into tears . . .

 . . . which, of course . . . Tommy Mickens interpreted as a grand opportunity to get into her Perpetual Virgin panties . . .

Speaking of Tommy .  . .

He’s a thief, who enjoys sassing his elders, and slutting about with big boobed floosies . . .

 . . . but, for whatever, reason, I sort of like him anyway.  Weird.

Also . . .

Lafayette and Jesus seem to be having a lot really hot sex.  And Jesus looks adorable in Lafayette’s Queeny Pink Kimono.  If that’s not a sign of a long- lasting relationship, I don’t know what is. 

 (I’m not really sure where they are going with this sweet, but kind of dull, storyline.  Are you?)

And finally . . .

Russell Edgington . . .

. . . upon seeing his boyfriend reduced to what looked like the insides of a can of red Silly String . . .

 .  . . COMPLETELY SNAPPED.  So, while Nan Flanagan was busy “eating out”  (seriously, are there ANY completely straight vampires on this show?), and eagerly awaiting passage of the Vampire Rights Amendment, Russell was breaking into a local news room, and killing the anchor on live television.  “Humans, us vampires are NOT your equals,” The Old Nutbag announced to the World.  “We are superior to you in every way.  We are going to eat you, after we eat your children.  Back to the weather, Tiffany.”

Now, see, THAT is why I don’t watch local news.   It’s WAY TOO DEPRESSING!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you next week . . . unless Russell Edgington eats me, first!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Ding Dong the B*tch is Dead! (And so is the Magister!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Hitting the Ground”

This week on True Blood, we have a TWO for ONE, Dead Vampire Special!  Get ’em while their bloody!  (Heads sold separately.)

And for a limited time, we will even throw in a DEAD WEREWOLF!  Call now, while supplies last!

Well, certainly no one could say this episode was uneventful!  All of the show’s major plotlines advanced significantly from where they were at this time last week.  Plus, as I mentioned earlier, we lost, not one, not two, but THREE big bad villians (two of which were REALLY annoying!)  As if that wasn’t enough, we also made some strides in figuring out what the heck Sookie Glow Fingers IS!  (Unless, of course, you’ve read the books, in which case you already know.)

Hint:  She is NOT an alien!

So, without further adieu, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Guess she’ll never get to wear that Rib Cage Hat she always wanted . . .

It gives the phrase “Fashion Suicide” a whole new meaning . . .

When the episode opens, we are hanging out in the slave quarters with Sookie, Lorena, and a Very Bloody Bill.  Lorena literally has Sookie by the neck, and she’s biting down .  . . HARD!  She pauses for a moment to savor her meal.  “You’re delicious,” Lorena remarks. 

(Who knew blood was such a complex gourmet delicacy?  Later in the episode, Eric rated Hadley’s blood three stars.  I’m betting Sookie’s more of a five-star meal . . .)

“I would very much like to serve her with my blood gelato!  Delicious!”

Lorena then echos Season 2 villian Maryanne’s sentiments, by exclaiming out loud to Sookie, “What are you?”

Unfortunately for Lorena, she doesn’t have much time to ponder this question, because Bill has somehow managed to unnail himself from the floor.  He then grabs Lorena from behind (kinky!) and pulls her on top of him, wrapping the evil wench in the silver chains that earlier immobilized him.  Sookie grabs hold of a stake and holds it over Lorena, as Bill restrains her.  “Do it!”  Bill implores.

But Sookie hesitates, until Lorena offers a final pitying plea.  “I love you,” she whines to Bill, tears dripping down her sallow cheeks. 

“You wouldn’t know love if it bit you in the face,” screams Sookie, as she pummels the stake into Lorena’s chest, causing the latter’s innards to spew forth like water from a geyser.

Thirsty?

Wading through soggy bits of Lorena, Sookie finally makes her way over to Bill, who’s alive, but barely.  Unfortunately for them, their oh-so-romantic reunion is interrupted, when Alcide and Tara bust through the doors, ready to rescue!

My hero!

Oh . . . yeah .  . . you too, I guess.

Alcide wants the group to skedaddle, since they have werewolves on their tail.  But noooo . . . Sookie’s all, “Beeeel, Beeelll!  I can’t leave Beeeell!”

So, despite Tara’s repeated pleas that they leave him to rot, the group ultimately decide to drag “Beeeeeel” with them.  They wrap him up in an old white blanket, and slowly move the DEAD (in more ways then one) weight toward the door.  But they can’t leave yet, because someone else has joined the party.  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie!

Just like Malibu Barbie, only skankier.

“A Vampire Burrito, for me?  Oh, you shouldn’t have!”  Deb exclaims, drool seeping out both sides of her vampire-blood addicted mouth.

“Yo Quiero, Taco Bill!”

Trailer Trash Debbie waves a gun in everybody’s face, hoping our stalwart crew will give up the burrito without a fight.  Alcide tries to reason with the girl.  But there’s no just no reasoning with Stupid.  Fortunately, Tara has a plan, which she thinks about in her head, using Sookie’s mind reading abilities to her advantage.  It’s about time SOMEONE did this! 

“Cause a distraction, and I’ll do the rest,” thinks Tara.

So, Sookie “distracts” in the way she knows best, namely, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF!  (Something she does quite a lot throughout the episode, and, yet, never seems to lose her voice.  Wow, that IS magical!  Sookie’s annoying scream is a much deadlier weapon than her Glow Fingers, in my opinion.)

“Beeeeeeeeeeeel!”

While Debbie contemplates suicide (anything to make that ungodly noise stop), Tara tackles her to the ground, just as Bill did to the now-dead Lorena earlier.  Strengthened by Psycho Vampire Franklin’s blood, Tara is fairly adept at keeping Debbie down.  That is, of course, until the slave quarters are visited by yet another guest.  (Geez, who sent out the party invitations?)  It’s COOT!

“Hello . . .  goodbye.”

Boy, for all his hemming and hawing about doing anything to help Sookie up to this point, Alcide sure was quick on the trigger to shoot and kill Coot!  In fact, after nailing him with a bullet to the heart, he shot him again in the chest, just to make sure he REALLY got him.

“Now, who has the Best Abs of Them All?  B*tch!”

As Tara and Sookie carry Bill Burrito out of the slave quarters, Alcide stays behind to engage in some hot foreplay with Trailer Trash Deb!

  “Gunplay Sex.  It’s a Were Thing.   You wouldn’t understand.”

Obviously, the addition of this scene was meant to add some sort of insight into why someone FABULOUS, like Alcide, would waste his time and energy on a Greasy Royal Nutball, like Trailer Trash Debbie.  However,  it just didn’t ring true for me.  First, Trailer Trash Debbie starts crying big ole’ crocodile tears about Alcide not wanting to have  a were baby with her.

“Awww, Debbie!  It has your she-mullet!”

Then, she accuses Alcide of turning on his “own kind.”  Finally, she threatens to hunt him down and kill him.  Alcide says nothing.  He simply sighs, locks Trailer Trash Debbie in the slave quarters, and leaves.

Out back, Tara and Sookie are waiting by Alcide’s truck, into which they have just tossed Burrito Bill.  Ever the glutton for punishment, Sookie refuses to leave Bill’s side, and is therefore chucked into the back of the truck with him.  As Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill escape Russell’s compound, the evil Wolf Pack begin to give chase . . .

NO!  Not that Wolf Pack, this wolf pack . . .

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

And, you gotta hand it to Alcide, because AGAIN the dude didn’t even think twice, before running the evil bowsers over with his car and turning them into roadkill stew.  Now, I hate to EVER agree with Trailer Trash Debbie, but her earlier comment about Alcide turning on his own kind?   Kind of true.

It’s a good thing you’re so pretty!

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Sookie slices her wrist open so that Bill can feed and revive himself.  Things start off OK, but we ALL know from past experience that Bill is an extremely piggy eater.

“What can I say?  I eat my feelings.”

Within minutes, he’s pinned Sookie to the floor, and has drained enough blood from her, so as to render the poor girl unconscious.  When Tara finds out, she’s pissed!  She immediately tosses Burrito Bill’s ass out into the summer sun, before slamming the door to the truck  and driving away.

“Was it something I ate?”

Fortunately, for Bill, he has enough strength, thanks to his Sookie Smorgasboard, to dash back into the safety of the Darkness.

 Just Like in the Fairytales . . . (if fairytales included vampires, which they usually don’t)

“Sookie, I don’t think we’re in Bon Temps anymore!”

Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the hospital where doctors and nurses attempt a blood transfusion on her to compensate for all that blood Burrito Bill took.  But the minute the blood enters Sookie’s system she begins to convulse.  “Try a different blood type,” Tara pleads.

“You’re friend doesn’t have a blood type,” explains the doctor. 

“She’s in a coma.  You should notify her family and prepare them,” explains the doctor

No blood type?  Who doesn’t have a bloodtype?  Maybe Sookie is an alien after all!

Poor E.T. Sookie!

 Tara calls Jason, who has been busy throughout the episode, trying to score Crystal’s drug addicted cousin some meth, so that he will spill the beans as to why she won’t date him.  Because, REALLY, who in their right mind wouldn’t date Jason Stackhouse?

Someone crazy AND blind, that’s who!

Upon hearing the news, Lafayette rushes Jason to the hospital, and the two men are at Sookie’s bedside almost immediately.  When a lawyer rushes upon Jason and starts to pepper him with “next of kin” questions, Jason becomes extremely flustered.  “I can’t be responsible.  I am not responsible,” repeats Jason over and over again like a child.

It’s kind of heartbreaking, actually . . .

Meanwhile, Sookie is having a grand old time in Dreamland or Comaland, or whereever the heck she wakes up in that frilly tutu-type outfit she’s wearing.  Tutu Sookie wanders toward a glowing lake, filled with frolicking, half-naked folks.  It is at this lake that she meets Claudine . . .

 Claudine and Sookie seem very close, even though Sookie has never met her in her life.  And Claudine has this weird airy and disembodied voice, that reminds me of what I sound like when I’m really drunk but trying to act sober.  Speaking of drunk, lord knows what’s in that glowing cup, Claudine fills for Sookie!  “You’ve drank it before,” insists Claudine, as the two leave to go frolicking in the forest with the rest of the wackadoo nudie hippies.

But then, suddenly, the sky in Comaland goes black, and all of the wackadoo hippies escape into the safety of the waters.  “Come with us,” implores Claudine. “Your parents didn’t drown, that wasn’t what killed them,” she continues, reading Sookie’s fear of water, just as Sookie has read the minds of so many others before her.

But of course, Sookie won’t go.  After all, she KNOWS that darkness!  It’s “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll!”

Yes, ladies and gentleman our Vampire Almost Sookie Killer has arrived at the hospital.  Bill, who unlike everyone else on the show,  seems to know EXACTLY what Sookie is, instantly recognizes that human blood will not be able to help her.  His blood, however, will.  Ignoring Tara’s exclamation of “Oh hell no,” Bill emplores Jason to let Sookie have a taste.

The adorable Jason reluctantly complies.  And it’s so friggin cute, how this grown man, who was once addicted to V, flinches like a child about to get a shot, when Bill opens up a vein with his teeth.  Then again, coming from the guy who still believes in Santa at 30, are we really surprised?

“Santa?”

Bill attaches his arm to the IV, and allows his blood to flow in to Sookie’s bloodstream, effectively saving the life he had almost taken.

(I’d like to take a moment here, if you don’t mind, to give a little nod to my fellow Sookie Stackhouse Book readers, who know that this was NOT how it was supposed to go down!  Now I know, Alan Ball is certainly entitled to take a few liberties between the books and the series, but why this one?  Especially when the original plotline was so much sexier . .  .

 . . . It’s times like these when I wonder whether Alan Ball and I are on the same “Team,” if you catch my drift?)

Yet, when Sookie wakes up and sees the “love of her life,” by her side, she screams her head off.  And it’s not a loving “Beeeeeeeeeelllll” scream, either . . . 

Trouble i paradise, I presume?

Meanwhile . . .

It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there . . . literally.

Determined to rescue Tommy from the wild and wacky world of dogfighting, Sam drives down to East Deliverance Bon Temps (complete with a Dueling Banjos soundtrack) in an attempt to infiltrate the dog fighting ring and rescue Tommy.  The owner of the ring doesn’t trust Sam, despite that ridiculous “I’m a cool bad ass mo fo” voice Sam uses on him, in order to gain access.   So, Sam, always a “thinker,” morphs into a pit bull . . .

Hi Sam!

 . . . and wanders into the holding pen himself, where he is quickly led to a cage by some toothless wonder.  But before Toothless can lock him up, Sam morphs back into his hot shirtless human form . . .

Yippee!

 . . . and beats the crap out of the guy.  He then literally “Let’s the Dogs Out,” all of them . . .

When the dog fight patrons see all their dogs escaping into the wild, they abandon the dog match they are currently watching (which just so happens to feature Tommy and some ACTUAL dog), to go salvage their respective meal tickets.  With his magic Dog Whisperer tendencies, Sam gets the dog who is fighting Tommy to escape as well, so that only he and the Mickens remain in the ring.  Ma and Pa do not look happy to see him. 

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

 “I thought Tara’s mom was crazy, but you guys take the cake,” scolds Sam, forgetting that the Mickens don’t have a television, and, therefore can’t watch True Blood, and don’t know who the f*ck Tara’s mom is.

Sam implores Tommy to escape the suffocating wrath of his evil Trashy Parents and come live with him.  “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but it is sure as hell going to be better than the one you have now,” he pitches.

“Sounds fab!”

So, Sam and Tommy ride off into the sunset.  And they all live happily ever after . . . well, almost . . .

In Other News . . .

Hoyt’s BACK!

But he’s not with Jessica . . .

He’s with this chick instead . . .

At least for now . . . But I’m not worried . . .

Because Perpetual Virgin love always wins out in the end!

Weddings can make you lose your head . . .

Poor J.J. from Big Love.  We barely knew ye . . . (but, already, we didn’t like you very much).

Back in the Queen’s castle, Sophie Anne is somehow locked in a giant bird cage.

“Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor or something?”

Eric strolls on to the scene, still wearing that fabulous Panty Dropper Blue Sweater we all love so much, and handling Sophie Anne’s girl toy, Hadley.

Eric basically threatens Sophie Anne to tell him everything she knows about Sookie, or he’ll eat her girlfriend.  Sophie Anne looks visibly shaken by this news, but refuses to speak.  However, the minute Eric’s fangs break into Hadley’s skin, HADLEY starts talking.  Hadley explains that she is Sookie’s cousin.  She also whispers in Eric’s ear what exactly Sookie is.  Unfortunately the audience can’t hear it. 

Eric looks surprised, and a little turned on by the discovery.  “Well, now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected,” he muses, feeding Hadley some of his blood as a reward.

So, it looks like SOMEONE else will be having hot Vampire Eric Dreams, very soon . . . LUCKY B*TCH!

Eric, Sophie Anne, and Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi Russell then head back to Shreveport, where the Evil Magister is about to pierce poor Vampire Pam’s eyebrows.

“Oh, that is not going to match my wardrobe at all!”

Eric implores the Magister to stop, explaining that it was Sophie Anne, not Eric who ordered the dealing of the  V.  Sophie Anne surprises the Magister, by corroborating this.  The Magister is noticeably shocked that a “subjec”t like Eric would betray his Queen, and that she would allow it.   “I pledge complete fealty to the Vampire King of Mississippi,” explains Eric.

 This is when scary Russell butts in to explain to the Magister in painstaking detail everything that has happened with this particular storyline since the first episode  . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“What?  I love the sound of my own voice.  Don’t you?”

Russell then quickly unties Pam and throws her into the safety of Eric’s arms.  The two share a sweet father / daughter moment (Eric running his fingers through Pam’s hair, and making sure she is OK) which was absolutely the only nice thing about this entire scene. 

Russell then ties the Magister up, and after some lame extravagant speech about “survival of the fittest,” forces the Magister to marry him and Queen Sophie Anne.  But then, just as the newlyweds are about to leave, Russell decides he has one more errand to run . . . and it involves batting practice.

“Say hello to my little friend the true death,” proclaims Russell, as he slices into the Magister’s head, with all the zeal of a rambunctious kid, playing a game of tee ball.

End scene . . . roll credits. 

So, that was “Hitting the Ground,” folks.  What did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

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“Conscience Off! Dick On!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Premiere “Pack of Wolves”

“Hey, look at me.  I’m naked on TV!  That never happens!”

Welcome back fellow Fangbangers!  Another season of True Blood is officially upon us.  And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again, about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty).  Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development.  However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade. 

Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode?  Those two are SPICY!  And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .

“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .

Bon Temps has installed a new security security system.  Here’s how it works.  These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.

The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off.  Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him.  And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted.  After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric.  But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.

Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?

“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing Sookie noticeably uncomfortable.  (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)

“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie.  (Awww!  Poor Pam!  Foiled again!)

After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.

I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot.  With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show.  Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either. 

The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point, when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping.  Eric gamely denies these allegations.  However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”).  After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home.  There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .

Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .

“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “

Now don’t get me wrong.  I feel for Tara.  If my boyfriend looked like this .  . .

 . . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too.  But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody.  I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than a little racist.  But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur?  Unacceptable! 

 The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad.  “You basically signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former” best friend!  (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)

Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER.  BAD MOVE!  After just a few hours with this unbearable woman,  Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills. 

Of course, we already know she’ll survive.  So, there’s really not much suspense here.  After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so that she can have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .

Hey, Bad Kisser Guy!  Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!

“My weiner is depressed.  Kiss it, and make it better?”

Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur!  Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder.  And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste.  Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight. 

And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur had been possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere.  Because, for no rational reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .

“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”

In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious cult too, I guess).  That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS! 

“Conscience off!  Dick on!”  Andy commands.

Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!

Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.

Welcome back, Jim Parrack!  LOVE the new buff bod!  Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .

The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs.  But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads.   NOT a turn on!  (Note to the men out there:  If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her.  Some things are better left UNSAID.) 

Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode.  This is too bad.  Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .

“WOW!  Look at the size of that bullet hole!  Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”

The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .

Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill.  Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .

Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair.  The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)  So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape.  Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home.  It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!

The Shirt Off His Back . . .

“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset!  I had the lamest plotline of this ENTIRE episode!

“Let’s f*&k!”

“OK, Vampire Bill.  That would make me feel much better.”

It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode.   Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer.  Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother .  . . blah, blah, blah.  Now on to the good stuff! 

So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result.  If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died.  Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences.  For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference. 

So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel.  THIS Vamp . . .

After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back.  But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on.  Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower.  He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES!  “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.

And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .

I WANT MORE BAM!  And I want it NOW, dammit!

Vampire Blood for Sale!  Get it While it’s Cheap!

So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance.  In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO!  Except, the F-U crew got there first!  Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market. 

Eric scoffs at this idea.  However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .

Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.

I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community.  However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.”  (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for his killing another vampire.  “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.

I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2.  I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough.  However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight.  Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry.  And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a major financial loss to him, was even more satisfying.

This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.”  “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”  Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.

Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary.  When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens.  End of story . . .

Cartoon created by the folks at  www.campblood.org

16 and Pregnant?   And a Vampire?  (Well . . . not exactly)

When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar.  Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself.  She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail.  Eventually, he dies (or does he?).  And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.

We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire.  All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house.  If I recall correctly, in True Blood world, the “transition” from human to vampire takes a few days.  It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over.  So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.”  Only time will tell.   But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.

At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing.  Apparently she can.  Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay.  So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead F-U crew member in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a pack of ravenous werewolves.

It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.

So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season.  What did YOU think of the episode?  Was it worth the wait?

 

 

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