“Now, Brittany, I understand that sex sells. But don’t you think that using a picture of me with a giant stick coming out of my head is a bit . . . um . . . horn-y, for a high school campaign?”
Greetings Gleeks! This week’s episode was all about embracing who you are, and being yourself unless you are a goth-looking skank, or a bad-dancing mechanic, then this episode was about being someone more socially acceptable. Though admittedly light on musical numbers (there were only three, and all of them were show tunes), “I Am Unicorn,” was filled with a ton of heart, a sh*tload of unicorns, and some REALLY, REALLY big horns . . .
“It’s not the size of your horn, but where you stick it how you use it that really matters.”
Let’s review, shall we?
Because I’ve Always Personally Been Curious About the Bathroom Habits of Mythical Creatures
It starts off just like any other morning at McKinley High. Kurt is primping and prepping in front of his locker, and making googly eyes at the wallet-sized snapshot of Blaine that hangs therein, when Brittany arrives. Brittany has great news. Apparently, Kurt is the Biggest Unicorn in the entire SCHOOL!
What is a unicorn, you ask? Well, according to Brittany, a unicorn is a horse who got a horn for doing a good deed. Then, he poops out cotton candy, until his horn falls off, and becomes a zebra. Wait . . . what? Did I really just type that?
Apparently, I did . . .
As bizarre as this all sounds, in Brittany’s Little World, being told that you poop cotton candy is a compliment of the highest order! Brittany is so impressed with Kurt’s individuality and ability to survive insurmountable odds, that she wishes to become his campaign manager for Student Council President. Brittany believes that her popularity, coupled with the fact that she is kind of slutty, can help the Mythical Creature Kurt to win a ton of votes.
And so, she invites herself over to his house to go over poster ideas. A skeptical Kurt asks Brittany why SHE didn’t want to run for Student Council herself. To this, she responds that she’s not smart enough.
This made me sad . . . (almost sad enough to poop cotton candy).
Fortunately, I manage to restrain myself (and took some Immodium) for the sake of continuing this recap.
After school, Brittany heads over to Kurts house, to show him his new campaign posters. And they are, pretty much, the most awesome campaign posters I have EVER SEEN! And yet, one can’t help but notice that they have a bit of a “theme” to them . . .
Kurt, who is currently clad in his tight green henley shirt, and sailor’s cap, is just appalled by how “GAY” the posters are. He says that he’d prefer a more neutral campaign poster, like THIS one . . .
Ummm . . . Kurt? I hate to break it to you, but your poster doesn’t exactly scream “I like to bang chicks,” either. It also says “winning” on it, a word that has been forever ruined by Charlie Sheen . . . just sayin’.
And besides Kurt, Brittany’s campaign strategy is AMAZING. It involves giving everybody at school Big Pink Sparkly Glitter Bags with minature versions of Tinky Winky in them. And who doesn’t love Tinky Winky?
Now THAT’S a teletubby who knows how to accessorize!
When Brittany (with Santana’s help) begins the process of putting her posters up all around school, Kurt freaks out and starts ripping them down (more on why later). His ungrateful reaction stuns and deeply hurts Brittany, who now believes she has failed her precious unicorn. That is until Santana comes to the rescue, with her surprisingly sweet, and heartfelt, pep talk. (How adorable are these two?)
Santana tells Brittany that her campaign is brilliant . . . that there is no one like her . . and that she IS the unicorn.
And what’s great about the speech, is that it’s so NOT the typical type of thing the usually-caustic Santana would say. But Brittany brings out a sort of protective, and almost maternal, kindness in Santana that few other people get the chance to see.
Plus, she’s right. Those posters rock! And Kurt rose to the top of my Poopy List for denigrating them . . .
Take THAT
Hummel!
Speaking of maternal influences . . .
Two Glee Clubs (for the price of one), One Baby (for the price of hair dye)
“Awww . . . see that little piece of hair sticking up on the side? That’s Baby’s first Mohawk!”
Did anyone else find it fishy that Shelby Corcoran, Vocal Adrenaline’s first coach, arrived at McKinley High to run a second Glee Club it doesn’t need, right around the time that Dustin Ghoulsby, Vocal Adrenaline’s second coach (a.k.a. the HOT one) . . .
. . . was purportedly fired from his position, leaving New Direction’s main rival without a supervisor? Here’s hoping this isn’t another one of those annoying Vocal Adrenaline SPY plotlines. After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time such a thing has happened . . .
. . . or the second, for that matter . . .
Anywhoo, just as many of us suspected, tone deaf, self-diagnosed Asperger’s sufferer, Sugar Motta, didn’t take being rejected by the New Directions lying down. Instead, she had her daddy pay for the school to start a WHOLE NEW Glee club, one where she will be the star.
“And we shall call our selves ‘Mr. Motta’s Strangled Cats,’ because our unique sound will be similar to that of animals dying.’“
Nevermind the fact that NOBODY at McKinley High, save for the people ALREADY IN GLEE CLUB, have any interest in show choir (in fact, most of them HATE show choir . . . and want to throw slushees at it). Also, nevermind the fact that McKinley High never seems to have any money for the after-school clubs it ALREADY has . . .
In Shelby’s defense, she doesn’t seem particularly interested in coaching show choir, at all. She’d much rather spend her time flirting with Mr. Schue, apologizing for abandoning singing more random duets with her Bio Daughter, Rachel, and taunting Puck and Quinn with the baby they gave up for adoption this past year.
Nothing says, I’m sorry I crippled you with self-doubt, Daughter, by skipping town, right when we were starting to get close, like dramatically holding hands, during a musical number . . .
While I’m still not buying Shelby as being a warm and / or maternal individual, she IS a good musical coach. And her advice to Rachel that she should sing West Side Story’s “Somewhere,” during her audition for the aforementioned play, as opposed to the well-worn, and, obnoxiously conceited (not to mention, Rachel already sang it in another episode) “I Feel Pretty,” was solid. I also feel like this duet was WAY more story- appropriate, and pleasing to the ears, than that admittedly bizarre duet that the mother/daughter duo did to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” during Shelby’s last appearance on the show . . .
You can listen to “Somewhere” in its entirety, by clicking below . . .
After possibly saving her biological daughter from a lifetime of therapy, Shelby schedules a visit with Puck and the now-skankified Quinn to discuss their possibly becoming a part of THEIR biological daughter’s life.
“Just because I now look like Frenchie from Grease, and have a ridiculous Minnie Mouse bow in my head, doesn’t mean you should keep me from seeing my child.”
Shelby gives Puck and Quinn an ultimatum. They can be part of their daughter’s life, provided they agree to look like they came out of a J Crew catalogue at all times. (I know, I know, that wasn’t she said. But I’m trying to prove a point here.)
Those of you who have read my Glee-caps before probably know that I’ve been SERIOUSLY missing my darling Puck-ster, ever since the odious Lauren Zizes hijacked his personality (and his balls), last season.
No comment.
So, the fact that I was treated to a deliciously poignant Puck-centric scene this week, really did mean a lot to me.
Puck visits Shelby at her own home, so that his in-person pleas to be able to see his daughter Beth cannot be ignored. “I’ll do anything to prove to you that I can be her life. Please, just give me a chance,” Puck exclaims earnestly. He even comes bearing some surprisingly impressive (It’s better than I can do, anyway) artwork for the child . . .
Who doesn’t love a good Clown Pig?
Eventually, Puck’s surprising politeness, and adorableness crack Shelby’s hard facade. She eventually lets Puck hold (and spend some quality time) with his daughter, with whom anyone could tell he is already enamored . . .
Now, Baby’s got a REAL Mohawk!
As for Quinn, she’s busy helping the Skanks stuff small girls’ heads in toilets, so they can steal their lunch money . . .
Fun!
New Congressional Hopeful, Sue, immediately recognizes Quinn’s estrangement from . . . well . . . everything and everybody. And so, she decides to explot her, in order to undermine Glee club, as per usual bolster her Congressional campaign. Sue asks Quinn to star in her “The Arts Ate My Life” campaign promo. And Quinn agrees, provided Sue puts couches under the bleachers, so that Quinn doesn’t have to strain her now emphyzema-filled ASS, while she’s busy trying to “be bad.”
“Doesn’t wearing a hat like that make your head sweat?”
No longer content to just shame Mr. Schue’s program, Sue has to go and humiliate Mr. Schue himself, by having Quinn confront him about how “Glee club ruined her life,” on video . . .
Though Sue’s manipulation of the situation is not particularly surprising, Mr. Schue’s reaction to the event definitely is . . . He proceeds to scream right back in Quinn’s face, dishing her out some incredibly tough love about how she is basically a spoiled brat, who perpetually plays the Victim Card, whenever things don’t go her way.
SING IT, Sista!
He also claims that she has no one to blame but herself for her own misfortune. (Well . . . in Quinn’s defense, that’s not entirely true. Quinn’s teenage pregnancy was also Puck’s fault . . .at least a little bit. After all, eggs alone do not a baby make, right?)
They do make for a mean omlette though . . .
The harsh speech definitely has its intended effect on Quinn, who runs out of the room in tears, declining to complete the promotional spot. However, a real change in the character doesn’t occur until SHE, like Puck before her, visits Shelby in her classroom, to talk about the possibility of HER seeing Beth . . .
*sniffle, sniffle* “I’ve just got all these FEELINGS!”
Shelby is mildly sympathetic to her plight (after all, she apparently, also had a nervous breakdown and shaved her head after giving up Rachel). “Stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child . . . er . . . I mean . . last year . . . says Shelby, sympathetically. However, the former Vocal Adrenaline coach is still not prepared to waver on this issue: “No Pink Hair Bleachy Back to Blondie = No Baby.”
The next day, at Mr. Schue’s Mandatory Booty Dance Camp for Horrible Glee Club Dancers, (Hello Finn and Kurt) . . .
. . . Mr. Schue has just completed teaching Finn the complex wonders of the box step, when Quinn enters the room. Once again, she is clad in her “pure” white dress, and boring blonde hair, a.k.a. back to being the Stepford Wife everybody always wanted her to be . . .
Quinn asks to be accepted back in Glee club. And Mr. Schue, (who really was kind of an asshat to her anyway) “graciously” accepts. Puck is in Bad Dancing Class too. And he is looking at Quinn with stars in his eyes, thrilled that, he can once again begin boning someone, who isn’t as awful as Lauren Zizes . . . while wearing condoms, of course that the two of them will now be able to see their baby and become a part of her life . . . together.
BUT WAIT! There’s a twist!
Apparently, Quinn’s meteoric “Return to Normalcy” (it took less than two episodes, after all . . . which is kind of disappointing, I must say) is not entirely for the reasons everybody thinks. With a maniacal laugh, and bleached mustache twirl, a disturbingly determined Quinn reveals ot a horrified Puck that she is going to do whatever it takes to get full custody of Beth, even if it means having to give up her pre-existing spot in “Jem and the Holograms.” pretending that she’s NOT having a nervous breakdown . . ., which she most definitely is . . .
“Is this the part where your head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff?”
Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus . . .
The Perfect Camille (but not the perfect Tony)
“So, guys, how about that Packers game, last night? That final play was really something, wasn’t it? Did you notice how cute his butt looked in . . . oops . . . I did it again, didn’t I?”
McKinley High’s production of West Side Story will be produced by Emma Pillsbury, Coach Beiste (who eats an entire chicken at EVERY MEAL), Artie Abrams, and NOT MR. SCHUE . . .
. . . because he has to focus on winning Nationals . . .
Auditioning for roles in the play will be Kurt (of course), Mr. I-Have-Magically-Become-a-Junior-Even-Though-I-Started-The-Show-Older-Than-Kurt Blaine, and NOT FINN . . .
. . . because he will be busy trying to become a less sucky dancer . . .
“You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey . . .”
. . . and working at Burt Hummel’s car shop as a mechanic . . . which Rachel Berry is trying not to judge him for . . . but she TOTALLY is judging him . . . only because she thinks he is “better than that” and, therefore, should follow her around like a puppy dog in New York for the rest of his life, as she pursues her dream to become the next Barbara Streisand.
RACHEL: “If I have to hit you with this big stick thingy to get you to listen to reason, I will.”
FINN: “It’s called a tire iron.”
RACHEL: “Whatever, my on-staff chauffeur will be servicing my cars, when I grow up . . .”
Kurt, for some reason, thinks that the perfect audition song for the role of a macho former-gang member / alpha male named Tony is a Barbara Streisand song, in which he calls himself the “perfect Camille,” prances around the stage in short pants, and flips around some monkey bar contraption like a female gymnast . . .
The song he performs is called, “The Greatest Star,” and you can watch his audition, in its entirety, here:
But then Kurt overhears the show’s directors and producers discussing how Kurt might not appear manly enough to play Tony. So, he decides to remedy their opinion by GETTING INTO TIGHTS, AND ROLLING AROUND ON A MATTRESS WITH RACHEL BERRY, WHILE SPOUTING SHAKESPEARE MONOLOGUES ABOUT BIRDS?
The results of his second impromptu audition are unsatisfying to say the least. (But, HILARIOUS!)
It’s Kurt’s devastating realization that he will never get to star in an action movie, or play the romantic lead in a movie about a pro wrestler . . . or a football player . . . or any male character that would feel out of place wearing a pink ascot, that makes him freak out on poor Brittany for pasting those Big Gay Posters, featuring a very horn-y Kurt throughout school . . .
That is, until, he has a talk with his Trusty Old Dad . . .
“Cue the Full House music son. It’s time for the lesson of the day.”
Burt tells Kurt, “SURPRISE! You’re GAY!”
“Like . . . really gay . . . like singing like Diana Ross and owning a Chocolate Factory, gay.”
“Excuse me, Burt. Did you just call me, Willy Wonka, gay? I’m NOT gay. I just really like children and candy . . . I might be a pedophile, though . . .”
Burt tells Kurt that, if he wants to be a star, he is going to have to chart his own career path, and create his own roles. And to do this, he must embrace his Big Gay Unicorny self. So, Kurt decides to do just that.
But it’s too late, because Brittany has already decided (thanks to Santana) that SHE’S a unicorn too. And she’s going to run for Student Council President against Kurt.
(And it seems pretty obvious that, mentally challenged or not, she’s TOTALLY going to kick his ass, so . . .)
But that’s OK! Because, Kurt might still get the role of Tony. After all, there’s no one really talented enough to take the role in his place . . .
Well . . . there’s Blaine, but he wouldn’t audition for Tony. After all, he’s a JUNIOR right? And a junior wouldn’t want to step on a senior’s toes right? RIGHT?
OK . . . OK . . . so Blaine’s rendition of “Something’s Coming,” a song that Tony (not someone named Camille) ACTUALLY sings in West Side Story, was pretty darn amazing. And Blaine’s a pretty manly looking (and acting) guy . . .
. . . well . . . at least when he wants to be!
But that doesn’t mean the producers are going to GIVE him the role of Tony over Kurt, does it?
Yeah, sorry Kurt! You’re totally screwed . . .
Until next time, Gleeks!
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