Tag Archives: Monday night

No Rest for the Wicked – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “My Name is Trouble”

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Welcome back, My Pretties!  It’s time to return to Rosewood, where all the girls look like supermodels, the boys rarely wear clothing, and “A” knows ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!  This week, our favorite PLL girls got to show off their respective naughty sides.

But, unfortunately, not in a sexual context . . .

Having spent the majority of last season, watching the typically well-behaved (well, except for Hanna) fabulous foursome suffer as victims of A’s wrath, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.  Rather than being sinned against, in “My Name is Trouble,” all of our heroines took their shot at being the sinners. 


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Of course, they all did some nice things this week too.  It’s just a lot less interesting to talk about those . . . 

So, put on your devil horns, and leave your morals at the door, because it’s time to be BAD, PLL-style!

I Dream of Scream

HANNA:  “I hate getting stuck in your dreams, Spencer.  You always make us do lame things.  What kind of movie is this, anyway?  It looks older than my grandma!

SPENCER:  “It’s Jekyll and Hyde.  It’s supposed to be eerie and symbolic.”

HANNA: “Eerie and symbolic, my ass . .  . next time, take us out clubbing, or something.”

When the episode begins, our PLL girls are hanging out in the same movie theater where Emily takes all of her dates.  But rather than watching the old film they presumably came to see, the foursome are discussing Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie, Creepy Pedo Ian, and whether or not Facelift Jason and Spencer’s Sister Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa are hiding him in Facelift Jason’s house.  (Fortunately, no one ever goes to this theater, aside from Emily and her girlfriends.  Otherwise, they’d probably get kicked out for talking during the film.) 

Hanna helpfully suggests that the girls strap a dog collar on Melissa that zaps her ass, whenever she leaves the yard.  And, even though I know she’s kidding, I still think it’s a spectacular idea.  Because if anyone deserves an ASS ZAPPING its Spencer’s poopyhead sister . . .

Then, suddenly, a big ole hole burns into the film that the girls were watching, and the Ghostface Killer from Scream pops out at them.

All the girls, understandably, freak out and wonder whether the theater will refund their money. over this VERY rude interruption of their conversation.  However, Aria, who recently DIED in a Scream film, is particularly disconcerted, by this recent turn of events.

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But don’t worry, kiddies!  It’s ALL A DREAM . . . Spencer’s dream, of course.  Sleeping Beauty herself is napping on the couch, when Sweet Sis Melissa barges in and starts groping Poor Spencer, under the guise of “looking for her wedding ring.”

I understand that you are upset, but I promise you that your ring is NOT IN MY CROTCH!”

Melissa is just about to shake Spencer upside down, to see if the ring falls out of  her bra, when her phone vibrates.  It is Mystery Caller!  He (or she) needs to talk to Melissa in private.  But just in case Spencer didn’t know this was a Super Secret Conversation with a Super Secret Person, Melissa LOUDLY tells Mystery Caller that she must take the call upstairs, so that SPENCER CAN’T HEAR.  (Way to be subtle, SIS!)

Check it out, Mystery Caller.   My Baby Sis is picking her nose.”

As Shady Melissa rushes up the stairs, Spencer watches after her, while making The Face . . .

That’s the ONE!

Meanwhile, over in Hanna-land . . .

Mama Marin Gives Good Advice (for once)

“Look at you, being all Wise and Materal.   This is another one of Spencer’s dreams, right?”

Downstairs in the Marin kitchen, Hanna awakens to find her mom and dad engaged in some SERIOUS eye f*&king.  Mama Marin laughs at something Papa le Douche says.  This is also part of the eye-f*&king, as Papa le Douche hasn’t said anything remotely humorous, since before Hanna was born . . .

*insert evil laughter here*

Papa le Douche is on this kick, where he wants to “spend time with his daughter” and “be a dad,” so he offers to drive Hanna to school.  “Ummm . . . no thanks.”  Hanna replies, feeling super awkward and uncomfortable.

Well, THAT was super awkward and uncomfortable.”

After Papa le Douche exits stage left, Hanna calls out her mom for all the eye f*&king she’s been doing.  “What an Eye Slut you are?  Please wear an Eye Condom, next time, so I don’t have to worry about getting Eye Siblings.”  She warns.  (Now, we know the REAL reason Blind Jenna always wears glasses.)

In response, Mama Marin spouts her After School Special Lesson of the Day, “Just because someone hurt us once, doesn’t mean we have to permanently delete them from our phonebook  . . . Things change . . . people grow”  Translation?  *cough Stop Being Such a B*tch to Caleb cough*

Message sent . . . and received.

Later, at school, the PLL girls meet in the bathroom “in secret” for their Daily Pow Wow. 

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How many takes do you think it took for them to get THAT right?

The girls discuss what they’ve been doing since their nonexistent tumultuous therapist-induced Friendship Breakup of Two Weeks ago.  Aria has enrolled in a college class to stalk Fitzy keep Fitzy away from Jackie find other animals she can hide in her hair learn how to make pottery. 

“Don’t look now, Aria.  But I think a bird died in your hair.”

This is actually a surprising choice for Aria, considering that, up to this point, she has expressed positively NO interest in ceramics, and a lot of interest in WRITING.  Given all that, wouldn’t it make sense for her to take a creative writing course, instead?

Spencer has been keeping HERSELF busy playing field hockey, fonding Abs Toby, and stalking her sister.  And Emily has been packing for the move we all know she ISN’T going to end up going through with, while NOT watching movies with temporary new girlfriend, Samara. 

Of all the girls, Hanna has taken the breakup the worst.  So bored is Hanna, that she has resorted to stealing hand lotions from the makeup counter again.  FOR SHAME! 

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Is it any wonder that Hanna, in her extremely vulnerable state, takes one look at Lucas in his adorable “Nerds love Apple Pie” t-shirt, and immediately wants to jump his adorkable bones re-friend him on Facebook.

“Face it, I’m the only guy on this show who actually gets attention for WEARING clothes.”

By the way, did you know that Lucas and Caleb are now living together?  This is going to save Hanna SO MUCH gas money, when she inevitably starts having sex with them both (sometimes AT THE SAME TIME).  It’s a recession economy, after all. 

Hanna asks Lucas to hang out with her.  And even though she’s broken his heart 1,000 times over, he takes pity on her shrink-sanctioned PLL-lessness, and invites her to yearbook club, after school.    While ostensibly working on the yearbook, matchmaker Hanna can’t help but notice that her future lover the same guy who used to sneak into the hospital to kiss her forehead is now ogling the chick that puts together the Appendix Section of the yearbook.  (You GO Lucas!  Way to make her jealous!)

“Don’t even TRY to fight it.  You will be mine by Episode 12.”

Hanna encourages Lucas to make a go of it with Index Chick.  However, Lucas isn’t exactly feeling up for the challenge.  “You, of all people know my batting average, Hanna,” Lucas remarks.

Oh yeah, HE WENT THERE!

“I’m so good at girl-getting, I should write a book.”

Now, Lucas has Hanna feeling BOTH subconsciously jealous that he has moved on to another honey, AND super guilty for how she treated him in the past.  (Current Score:  Lucas: 2, Hanna: 0)  So, Hanna approaches Index Chick (her name is “Danielle” by the way),  and pulls the classic Romantic Comedy Film Move, by basically pretending Lucas is this Massively Popular Ladies Man, to whom she, herself, is attracted (Well, half of that is true.), in order to spark Danielle’s interest. 

The plan works, flawlessly.  And the Nerd Who Loves Apple Pie scores a supposedly-coveted date with Index Chick, even though we all KNOW his heart has never really left Hanna’s pocket.  Later, a bewildered Lucas approaches Hanna, wondering why she went through all this trouble to try and get him laid by someone other than herself.  Echoing her mother’s earlier words, Hanna remarks that she doesn’t want to be judged the rest of her life for her biggest mistakes.  “People change,” she explains.  “They grow.”

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And that, my friends, was how the student became the teacher.  (It was also Lucas’ triumphant first step toward FINALLY getting inside the Marin Pantalones.)

But lest you think that Hanna has grown up SO MUCH, that she’s not fun anymore, wait until you see what she does at the end of the episode!  You see, Hanna has overheard Papa le Douche fighting with his new fiance about their upcoming nuptials.  She’s also been watching her mother flirt with her dad, like nobody’s business.  And so when Hanna finds an unread text message to her dad from the fiance, apologizing, and expressing her undying devotion to him, she . . . DELETES IT FROM HIS PHONE!

Oh, Hanna, you naughty, naughty girl!  Something tells me THAT decision is going to bite you in the ass BIG TIME, in the not-too-distant future.  Hopefully, by then you will be too busy screwing Lucas and/or Caleb to care.

Speaking of screwed . . .

Swimming with the fishes (and the forgers)

Now that “A” trashed Emily’s harddrive, she’s forced to (gasp) actually use PAPER AND PENCIL, when trying to communicate.   How utterly barbaric!

If you recall, last week, Emily tried desperately to get the Dartmouth Danbury Swim Team recruiter to give her a letter of guaranteed admission / scholarship to the college, so that she wouldn’t have to move to Texas . . . a Dreaded Red State.  The problem, of course, was that all the recruiter was willing to give Emily was a “Maybe” letter, which she knew wasn’t going to be good enough to keep her mom in Rosewood.  So, being the idiot optimistic, and forward thinker that she is, Emily decides to FORGE a more forceful recruitment letter on her own.

Later, in the school parking lot, Emily shows Aria and Hanna her handiwork . . .

“Ummm . . . Emily, I doubt that the college recruiter draws hearts over his ‘i’s” and signs his name with a happy face.”

Aria thinks the whole thing is a terrible idea, and that Emily will undoubtedly get caught.  Hanna, however, thinks Emily is an ABSOLUTE EVIL GENIUS, and is SUPER PROUD of her bestie, for being so deliciously underhanded.

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Umm . . . I hate to break it to you Hanna, but the only way YOU are getting into Harvard, is if your mom f*&ks the Dean, on your behalf .  . . On second thought, welcome to the Ivy Leagues, Hanna!

Back at the Fields house, Emily shares an unusually sweet heart-to-heart with her mother.  Apparently, while packing Mrs. Fields (just like the cookies!) has come across some of Emily’s childhood things, and these have caused her to become unusually nostalgic.

“Aww!  Your first diaper is in this box.  Here, smell it!”

In the most welcome Personality Transplant, since Creepy Toby first took off his shirt (and we all suddenly decided he was charming) former Evil Homophobe Mama Fields apologizes to Emily for the pain she must have endured, while having to hide her sexuality from her family.  Emily is touched by her mother’s words, and the two embrace. The exchange ultimately prompts Emily to rip up the faux Dartmouth Danby Promise Letter, and toss it in the trash can.  In hindsight, she probably should have used a shredder . . .

The next day, an excited Emily’s mom comes to her daughter’s room with a letter in her hand.  SURPRISE!  Its from Emily Danby, promising Emily admission to the college, using the EXACT same unbelievably phony words Emily had originally written in her OWN letter.  Understandably freaked out, the  minute her mom leaves the room, Emily starts frantically rummaging through her trashcan to find the original letter fragments. 

They are no where to be found. 

“Wait . .. someone TAPED the letter together, and recopied it?  This “A” sure must have A LOT of time on her hands.”

Having anticipated Emily’s dumpster dive, “A” cleverly left HER OWN little message in Emily’s trashcan, for her to find.  It looked a little something like THIS . . .

Congratulations, PLL, you’ve just cooked up the most bizarrely contrived way possible to keep Emily on the show.  The twenty or so aspiring actresses destined to be cast as her future girlfriends, thank you from the bottom of their heart.  😉

Speaking of contrived encounters . . .

Peekaboo, I see you . . . oh, wait . . . no I don’t

Forget the Opening Dream Sequence.  This is the most frightening animated GIF I have ever laid eyes on!

Over at Hollis College, Fitzy and Aria are engaged in some intense PDA, simply BECAUSE THEY CAN BE! 

This is Fitzy coming up for air, after spending an hour attached to Aria’s tongue . . .

But as we all know, on THIS show, NOBODY gets to makeout in peace.  SOMEONE always has to be watching.  This time, that someone is Fitzy’s VERY PISSY Ex Fiance / Fellow Teacher at Hollis / Facebook Friend, Jackie Molina . . .

Jackie Molina has just updated her Facebook status to: “Researching ways to murder diminutive high school students. . .” /  Jackie has accepted a friend request from “A.”

In pottery class, Aria nearly poops herself, when she finds a a grinning Blind Jenna seated at the pottery wheel, leering at her with supposedly unseeing eyes . . .

“Do you like the piece I’m sculpting?  I call it Toby’s Weiner.”

When the professor asks Aria’s name, she hesitates and says its “Anita.”  I’m guessing “Anita” wasn’t on the class roster, but the professor didn’t seem to care too much.  It’s nice to know that at the “prestigious” Hollis university, you could basically just show up at any class, offer a fake name, and take it for free.  Imagine how much money you would save on getting an education!

 

Hmmm . . . now that I think about it, I probably should have deepened my voice, and used a man’s name, like Aaron.  That would have really thrown off Blind Jenna.

Back at Fitzy’s house, he and Aria, are engaged in a little post-coital Blind Jenna talk.

Why the abundance of clothing, Fitzy?  Don’t you remember what show you are on?

Fitzy wants Aria to play nice with Blind Jenna, and become her friend, despite the fact that she’s a Creepy Brother F*&ker, who paid a guy to seduce her best friend in order to obtain information about her.  Their conversation reminded me of a similar one the pair had last year, in which Fitzy became obsessed with what a fabulous WRITER Blind Jenna was.  So, let me get this straight, Aria and Blind Jenna are BOTH writers, they both love pottery, AND they are both taking courses at Hollis?

Is Blind Jenna, like Aria’s Evil Twin, or something?

You have to admit, there’s a resemblance there . . .

The next day, at pottery class, Aria has a close call when Jenna trips, and the professor asks “Anita” to help her.  Fortunately, some dude, who’s probably dumb enough to be attracted to Blind Jenna offers to help instead.  And yet, Aria, who isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, decides to stay after class, even though SHE AND BLIND JENNA are the only ones left in there.

Not surprisingly, Blind Jenna once again asks “Anita” for help.  Except now, there’s no horny boy to take Aria’s place.  At Jenna’s request, Aria places a light inside BJ’s ceramic bowl, and puts it on a nearby turntable . . .

Who knew pottery class could be so darn emotional?  Suddenly, Jenna is getting all weepy, remembering the good old days before Aria and co. lit a firecracker in her house while she was raping Abs Toby, blinding her for life when she used to be able to see.  This, of course, makes Aria feel like crap, and probably wish she was at home fondling Fitzy’s naked stomach, instead of Blind Jenna’s ugly ass bowl . . .

Step aside Michaelangelo’s “David” . . . this is Aria’s “Fitzy”

Blind Jenna then starts randomly describing how lights reflected off the water, when she used to go swimming.  She then asks “Anita” to describe for Blind Jenna what her pottery looks like.  Aria basically repeats exactly what Blind Jenna said, “Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . it looks like you swimming . . . or something.”

Recognizing Aria’s voice, Blind Jenna angrily demands that she blow out the candle, leaving the pair alone together in the dark of an empty classroom.  Aria reluctantly complies . . .

Then THIS happens . . .

Just KIDDING!  She’s fine, guys  . . . Blind Jenna didn’t end up killing her . . . yet.

You know who’s LESS than fine though . . . Spencer.

“If you like it, than you should have put a ring on it.”

You GO, Abs Toby!  Shake that ass!

For someone who’s “just getting his GED,” Abs Toby sure shows up at the high school often.  Fortunately, for him, however, Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

“This sure beats making out with Blind Jenna.”

Spencer wants Toby to have coffee with her in between classes.   (Really, Spencer?  You have enough time in between classes to have coffee?  What kind of high school is this?)  Unfortunately, Toby is heading off for his weekly excuse to be half naked new job doing yardwork at Facelift Jason’s house. 

Spencer NO LIKEY!  She doesn’t trust Facelift Jason ONE BIT (partly, because she can no longer recognize his face saw the movie Face Off, and it gave her nightmares).

Spencer begs Toby to get a job working for someone who ISN’T possibly a deranged killer.  He’d love to do so, except for the fact that all the people in town who AREN’T deranged killers, think that TOBY killed Facelift Jason’s sister, Alison.  And, therefore, won’t hire him.  He WAS offered a job in Yardley, however, he has no car, and plans to use the cash he gets from Facelift Jason to pay for the used junker he found in the paper.

“Be careful, Toby!  He already stole someone else’s face, hair, clothing, personality and HOME.  He might steal your ABS, if you aren’t careful.”

Later that day, Snoopy Spencer arrives at Facelift Jason’s house, directly after Field Hockey practice, to ogle her hot shirtless and sweaty boyfriend.   But, instead, she finds a not quite shirtless, but still hot and sweaty, Facelift Jason . . .

Though Facelift Jason tries to distract Spencer with his mesmerizing arms of steel, and obnoxiously perfect hair, a wily Spencer still notices someone moving behind the curtains in Facelift Jason’s home, even though he SWEARS no one else is living there but him.  Who IS this mystery person?  Is it Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian?

Is it Melissa?

Is it Maya, escaped from the PLL Lost Love Interest Vortex?

Perhaps, it could even be Jason 1.0 . . .

Spencer is confused, and freaked out by this development.  And you know what THAT means.  That’s right, my Pretties.  IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER ALI FLASHBACK!

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Spencer and Emily are having a sleepover at Spencer’s house, and complaining about how loud Stoner Jason and his pothead friends are partying next door, when a tearful Ali crashes their party.  She HATES Jason, and can’t wait to rat him out to his grandparents, so they cut him out of their will.  At first, Ali seems her usual, confident, bitchy self, but when she approaches the sink, we can see that she’s been crying.  SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY .  . . POSSIBLY VERY BAD . . . and Jason may have had something to do with it.  Ali, eventually shrugs off her rare show of vulnerability, commenting on the poor quality of Spencer’s apples (huh?) 

However, Spencer knows something is UP, as is evidenced by the return of Spencer Face . . .

Now, TOTALLY freaked out, an unusually needy an paranoid Spencer begs her AWFUL sister to stay with her, and protect her from the things that go bump in the night, like she used to back when they were kids.

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Poor Spencer, she’s still naive enough to believe her sister is still a human being, and not the Evil Alien from Planet B*tch, she obviously become.  Melissa icily deflects Spencer’s rare attempt at sisterly bonding, threatening her sister NOT to make her choose between her own flesh and blood and the creepy, probably dead, pedophile she married.  The obvious, implication of her words being that she would choose the Pedo, ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday).

So, of course, this is the perfect time for Spencer to find Melissa’s missing wedding ring, which, as it turns out, has been conveniently hiding behind the toaster this whole time!

That’s OK Fitz . . .  I thought it was pretty hilarious too!

Positively INCAPABLE of leaving well enough alone, Stalker Spencer heads to Facelift Jason’s house after school AGAIN.  This time, she is rewarded for her dilligence, and actually DOES find Shirtless and Sweaty Abs Toby there.

OH HELL YES!

Facelift Jason’s there too, and he conveniently mistakes Spencer for Melissa.  When asked about why, he tells her that she’s been sucking his weiner  helping him bury Creepy Pedo Ian’s body  performing pagan rituals involving human sacrifices “bringing him misdelivered mail.”  As if all this wasn’t suspcious enough, Facelift Jason “accidentally” allows one of his garbage bags to open on the floor in front of Spencer and Abs Toby. 

Hot Damn!  That’s a lot of BLOOD and CHINESE FOOD for one person.  “I cut myself when I was ripping off my old face, and putting on this new one,” mumbles Facelift Jason  (Note to Facelift Jason:  Learn how to lie better.)

Now, comes the part in the story when Spencer does the most AWFUL thing we have seen her do, since the beginning of the series.  SHE PAWNS HER OWN SISTER’S WEDDING RING TO GET MONEY TO BUY TOBY HIS CAR!

Now, granted, I don’t like Melissa either.  She’s a GENUINELY AWFUL PERSON.  Plus, I’m pretty sure she has something to do with “A” and/or Ali’s death.  But this is just WRONG with a capital “WRON.”  Now, of course, Spencer planned to somehow buy back the ring, shortly after giving Toby his new/old car for the Yardley job.  But still . . . it seems an unusually cold move for Spencer to make, not to mention STUPID.

I don’t want to be around when Melissa finds out.

So, of course, we all know it’s going to come back to bite her in the butt, don’t we?  Not surprisingly, the last scene of the episode features the infamous GLOVED HAND buying back the ring from the pawn shop. 

No glove, NO LOVE, Spencer!  I hope you’ve invested in some good life insurance . . .

Oh . . . and I almost forgot to mention the best part . . . MY WREN’ is FINALLY BACK!

On one of their weekly Stakeouts in the Bushes, our PLL girls found My Future Husband, clad in sexy scrubs, meeting Melissa, late at night, and delivering to her VERY LARGE quantities of drugs (For whom?  Ian?  Melissa herself?  Facelift Jason?)

My sentiments exactly, Spencer!  That’s one fine piece of meat!

And, on that note, I bring my recap to an end.  But feel free to check out THIS promo for next week’s PLL installment, which promises, among other things, MORE Wren (Yesssssssss!  YIPPEE!), a COMPLETELY shirtless Facelift Jason (Oh, he’ll get along in Rosewood just fine), and the return of  .  . . Dead Alison?

That’s right, my Pretties!  Things are getting GOOD!  See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Body Snatchers – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Goodbye Look”

EMILY:  “Wow!  You know, for cafeteria food, this stuff doesn’t actually look half bad.”

HANNA: “True, but don’t forget what show this is.  With our luck, ‘A’ probably miraculously poisoned all those fruit plates before we arrived, without anyone seeing her or him do it.”

SPENCER: “Yeah, and as soon as one of us eats one, and falls down dead dead, she’ll text the rest of us with something SUPER cheesy, like ‘Beware of lunch ladies bearing poison apple slices – A.”’

ARIA: [Falls to the floor, unconscious.]

HANNA: “See what I mean?”

SPENCER, HANNA and EMILY: [Sigh and wait for their cell phones to ring.]

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This week’s Pretty Little installment was all about that oh-so-frightening prospect we all must face, at some point in our lives . . .  The Future. 

Therefore, it was fitting that, during the course of the episiode, each character made a choice that would undoubtedly affect their own future on the show.  Admittedly, “The Goodbye Look” wasn’t exactly what you would consider an “action-packed” PLL episode.  For starters, unlike last week’s groundbreaking Fitzy’s Bod Extravaganza, it contained NO shirtlessness, whatsoever.

While we are on the subject of what wasn’t in the episode, there was also no adorable Lucas, mysterious Caleb, or British studmuffin, Wren . . .

He’s coming back NEXT week, though!  *does dance of joy!*

But hey!  That doesn’t mean the episode was a TOTAL loss.  After all, it did introduce to me a mystery that I will undoubtedly ponder between now and the end of time.  Namely, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO JASON DILAURENTIS’ FACE?

“The world may never know!”

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

(Once again, the Awesome Screenshots from this Recap were provided by THIS KICKASS WEBSITE.  Thanks guys!)

Zombies Don’t Text (But, apparently, they can take out the trash just fine!).

This week’s PLL installment continued last week’s tradition of starting precisely where the previous episode left off.  The girls have just learned that Spencer’s sister, Melissa, may or may not be in cell phone contact with Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, and they are PRETTY F*&KING FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT . . .

Can you blame them?

Hanna tries to analyze the situation from a “rational” perspective, something that doesn’t often go over particularly well on this show.  “Zombies DON’T text,” she explains.

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Another PLL’er (though I can’t recall who) suggests going to the cops with this new information.  “Yes, because that has gone so well for us, so far,” snarks Spencer.  And SHE would know.  She’s had the worst luck with policemen of ALL the PLL girls.  Then again, NO ONE has had as bad luck for the cops as her boyfriend,  Abs Toby.

“Hmm . . .  I wonder if my body would look this good if it was stuffed in an orange prison jumpsuit.”

Ultimately, the girls decide to stay away from the cops.  Rather, Spencer will use her super sleuthing skills, and Trademark Investigation Face . . .

 . . . to ascertain precisely how much Melissa REALLY knows about Ian’s whereabouts and mortality situation.

The girls’ discussion is quickly interrupted, when they start hearing strange noises coming from the roof of the greenhouse.

Well, OF COURSE, ‘A’ is hanging out on the ceiling watching them.  I mean, why not?  What else could she possibly be doing in the middle of the night?  Note to A:  There are WAY better ways to cure insomnia than stalking teenage girls.  Might I suggest Tent Sex, for example . . .

 . . . or dancing . . .

Our PLL’s quickly bolt from the scene.  On the way home, they find Facelift Jason skulking around Maya’s house, which, of course, used to be HIS and Ali’s house, back when the two were growing up.  As we learned last week from Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s older brother has somehow managed to convince Maya’s family to let him stay at the house, while Maya, herself, is away at De-Gaying Camp.  And what’s his first order of business in the home, you ask?  Well, to toss out all Dead Ali’s CRAP, of course!

“Thanks for the Box of Clues, Facelift Jason!  Now, I finally know who ‘A” is!”

Now, I know that the PLL girls, and, I suspect, some viewers, found Jason’s action of haphazardly tossing his sister’s things out with the morning trash insensitive and suspicious.  And yet, I find it more maudlin that Maya’s family would choose to hang on to that stuff, in the first place.  I mean, it’s bad enough to move into a home not too far away from where its previous inhabitant suffered a violent end.  But to KEEP the Dead Girl’s stuff, because you “can’t bear to throw it away?”  That’s just bizarre.

 Parents Just Don’t Understand

Hanna seems to be gaining a bit of ground with her Mom, regarding the whole “My therapist said I can’t have friends” thing.  After all, as Hanna says, if Mom doesn’t believe in therapy, why should SHE?  Where Hanna is making less progress is on the issue of her “darling Dad,” who seems to only make reappearances in her life, when she is in trouble with the law . . . like now.  Other than that, Dad’s idea of showing fatherly concern seems to consists of sending Hanna and her mom plants . . . that DIE.  But Mom’s a bit lonely now that Deputy Douchey has left town.  Remember him . . .

. . . so she’s willing to overlook Hanna’s remarried dad’s flaws, provided there exists an opportunity that papa might wind his way back into Mama Marin’s pink pantalones. 

Poor Hanna!  She’d have more luck being parented by a PLANT, than she would by these two.

Over at the Fields’ household, Emily’s homophobic mom thinks the therapist’s idea of separating Emily from all her friends is a FABULOUS one.  (Why?   Does she think this will somehow make her straight?)  She decides that Emily should leave her cell phone on the kitchen table, and make all her phone calls THERE, where Mom can overhear every word. 

Speaking of “great news” (she said, sarcastically), Emily’s mom also informs Emily that their house has been rented.  It’s moving time!

Emily storms upstairs and learns that, SURPRISE, her entire laptop has been erased, because she was an A$$HAT, and left it on in her room, for all potential “renters” of her home, and “A” to see.  Remember THIS little scene from last week, during which Gloved Hand person worked his evil magic on Emily’s deepest darkest snuff born videos, and Ian-related secrets?

Ahhh memories!

Emily calls Spencer to fill her in on the bad news.  Spencer would probably very much like to tell Emily that she is dumber than dog sh*t.  However, since Spencer made a SIMILAR mistake with HER laptop last season, she acts sympathetic.  Besides, Spencer has her own problems. 

Melissa has just arrived home from her sonogram appointment, and plans to spend the next few days on the couch doing nothing, which, if you think about it, has more or less been what she’s done since about the fourth episode on this show.  The problem now is that Spencer wants to snoop through Melisssa’s stuff to figure out whether she knows more about Ian’s whereabouts than she lets on.  And if Melissa’s lazy ass is on the couch all day, sniffing through her personal belogings will be VERY difficult!

“Damn you, Lazy Pregnant Lady!  Damn YOU!”

Aria Gets a New Nickname.  Fitzy Stays in the Dog House . . . for now

Back at school, Fitzy makes a lame excuse to pull Aria into his classroom alone AGAIN.  It’s a good thing Fitzy is leaving Rosewood Prep  Because he is getting SO MUCH worse worse at keeping his private Sex with a Student Business a secret.  Then again, maybe he’s just the kind of teacher who LOVES to give extra credit assignments to his most promising students. 😉

And Aria is simply more “promising’ than all the rest.

Fitzy takes this “extra credit” opportunity to not-so-subtly remind Aria that Friday is his last day as her teacher.  In other words, Aria, the Fitzy Love Train is leaving the station!  Better get aboard, or its going to pass you by, directly en route to Jackie Town!

Aria understands the insinuation her (ex?) is making, and doesn’t appreciate it.  “Thanks for the warning,” she says in a voice tinged with sarcasm, and a smidgeon of hidden longing.

“Why do I feel like you are picking apart everything I say with a pair of tweezers?”  Fitzy inquires, hurt.

Fitzy and Aria are suddenly starting to sound a heck of a lot like an old married couple.  The question is:  is that a good sign or a bad one.  Aria wants to know where the couple stands in their relationship.  And though Fitzy feels he has already made his love for Aria clear, he is willing to meet with her the following evening to have “The Talk.” 

My advice to Fitzy:  Already trying to figure out what to wear to ensure this “Talk” with Aria will go as well as humanly possible?  Here’s a hint:  Leave the sweater vest in the drawer!

Just sayin’!

Outside the classroom Annoying Mona traps Aria, in a rather grating conversation, as the recent absense of Hanna in her life, has apparently left her with no one to worship.  (Where’s Bushy Eyebrow Noel, when you need him, right?)  Though on the surface, this conversation seemed fairly meaningless and mundane, those in the “Mona is A” camp undoubtedly found a lot to chew on in this particular exchange.

“Hey, Big A!” Mona calls after Aria, ignoring the MASSIVE eyeroll Aria gives her, when she reaches her side.

Huh?  Big A?  Who’s Little A?  I mean, usually calling someone Big A, implies a smaller or younger A, in existence, right?  And who out there is smaller than Aria?  That girl is TEENY!  Not to mention . . . um . . . Mona?  I hate to break it to you, but there is NO girl in the world who enjoys being called “Big.”  Shallow Attempt at Friendship? FAIL!

As it turns out, Mona’s reason for accosting Aria is two-fold.  First, she would like Aria to help pick out a Going Away Gift for Fitzy, since the the two of them are so . . . close . . .

Of course, Mona is referring to the fact that they have had a lot of hot monkey sex together the two of them worked together on the school play!  Right?  Maybe . . . then again . . . maybe not.  After all, A is certainly familiar with Ezria’s sexploits, and if Mona is A, then . . .

The second favor that Mona asks of Aria is that she put in a good word for Mona with her now-on-the-outs former bestie, Hanna.  Last week, if you recall, Hanna gave Mona the big ole boot, when she found out that the latter had made Caleb’s love letter to Hanna DISAPPEAR in the Lamest Magic Trick Ever.

RIIIIPPPP!

 When Aria remarks that SHE hasn’t been talking to Hanna either, as a result of the whole “Our Shrink Doesn’t Think We Should Hang Out Anymore, Because Everyone Assumes We Lied About Finding Ian’s Dead Body” thing, Mona acts like she DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT AT ALL!

Whatchu talkin’ about, Mona?”

At this point in the show, my Bullsh*t Meter is on high alert.  I don’t believe, for a second, that the Biggest Gossip in the School had NO CLUE that her so-called best friend was involved in a scandal / possible criminal activity coverup of EPIC proportions.

Nevertheless, Mona puts on her best, “I’m sorry the Shrink took all your friends away” face, and bids Aria adieu.

“A Strikes Again”

On the lunch line, the girls (who are not supposed to be hanging out with one another, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone watching them that they still are) are whispering about the whole Ian Situation and wanting “closure.”  Correction . . . everyone wants closure except Hanna, who HATES closure, with the passion of a girl, who gave up her virginity to a boy, who was paid to seduce her and extract information from her, and then found out that he had fallen in love with her, somewhere along the way.

As if by instinct, all four of our heroines immediately head to the same lunch table . . . that is, until it hits them that they should probably NOT BE SEEN TOGETHER IN PUBLIC. 

Oops!

It is unbelievably sad, seeing these four supposedly super popular individuals each sitting at a table ALL BY THEMSELVES.  (Couldn’t Emily have sat with any of her swim team friends?  She is CAPTAIN, after all.)  I also had to wonder how SMALL this school is, that there were enough empty tables for EACH of these girls (and Mona) to do this.

Speaking of Mona, I know it makes me a terrible person, but I had to laugh a little bit at her expense, when she motioned for Hanna to come sit next to HER, and was DENIED. 

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Queen B Hanna would, apparently, rather sit BY HERSELF, than with the likes of the Future Miss Bushy Eyebrows.

So, of course, the minute the girls are all seated by their lonesome, A sends one of her trademark text messages to all four of them at the same time.  It says:  “Look at you.  All alone in a crowd.  I win!”

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Oh, COME ON, A!  You couldn’t think of anything more creative than the texting equivalent of sticking your tongue out and blowing a raspberry?  Clearly, you are losing your touch.

Toby Gets a Job . . . Then Loses It

Speaking of loners, after a VERY long absence, Abs Toby is back at Rosewood Prep, filling out papers. Spencer sees her beau, and is, of course, thrilled, rushing to give him a celebratory hug.  She thinks he is returning to school (and that she won’t have to suffer the humiliation of eating lunch alone again)

But alas, Spencer is wrong , (which is becoming an increasingly common occurrence).  Toby is simply collecting the papers necessary to complete his home schooling so that he can earn his GED and leave Rosewood . . . possibly, for good.

Spencer, NO LIKEY!

Toby and Spencer both flirt with the idea of Toby sticking around Rosewood to be with Spencer.  There are a lot of knowing smiles and eye f*&king, but nothing is really established.  Oh, and remember last week, when Toby suddenly became all Mr. Fix It, with Emily’s wall height chart? 

It turns out that was actually PART OF THE PLOT!  (Who knew?)  This week, we find out that our little enterprising Abs Toby has gone and scored himself a construction job in town.  Someone is REALLY itching to get some cash, and get away from Blind Jenna, isn’t he?  And honestly, can you blame him?

You know, if there was ever a contest for Luckiest Dude in Rosewood, Toby would probably come in dead last.  So, of course, it is no surprise, that the very same day Toby begins his career as a construction worker, the client who’s house he is “constructing” gets the poor kid fired, because he didn’t want Abs Toby near his daughter . . . him still being a Murder Suspect, and all.

Poor Toby!  Sometimes the Adult World is just as bad as high school.  At least he has Spencer to lean on, when times get rough, which, let’s face it, is basically ALL THE TIME, on this show 

In a really sweet scene, later on in the episode, the uber cute couple meet up in a forest, of all places,  and talk about how genuinely sh*tty the town they live in and the people who live in it with them are.  Spencer, who’s wearing a business suit, for no apparent reason WHATSOEVER, even goes as far as to offer to tell the cops what she knows about Ian, so that Toby can FINALLY be completely exonerated for any wrongdoing.  Toby then reminds Spencer that the cops in Rosewood are pretty much useless, and don’t believe a darn thing EITHER Toby or Spencer say.  So, what’s the point? 

They put their heads together and cuddle with one another under the stars.  And suddenly the Unluckiest Boy in Rosewood isn’t feeling so unlucky anymore.

Just Keep Swimming . . . Just Keep Swimming

Over at the pool, Emily is busy (SURPRISE) winning a swim meet again.  How convenient, right? 

Glug, Glug . . .

By the way, anybody seen Paige and her Sad Little Orphan Bitchy haircut? 

I know her and Emily sort of/ kind of broke up, but,  does that mean she automaticallly gets tossed into the PLL Vortex of Lost Former Significant Others?  Just curious . . .

Anywhoo . . . Emily is walking with Samara (Remember her, from the Carnival, and that blind date sort of meeting she was supposed to have with Paige, before Paige bailed?), who is NOT Emily’s girlfriend yet, but, I guess is close enough to her to attend her swim meets.  Samara asks Emily out to a movie, and Awkard Emily treats the poor girl like she PROPOSED MARRIAGE.  “But I’m moving . . . and I just got out of  a relationship. . . and I don’t want to start anything serious . . .blah, blah, blah” she yammers on. 

To her credit, Samara handles Emily’s weirdness pretty well, reminding Emily that going to a movie theater is not the same thing as picking out China patterns. 

“Oh, get over yourself, girlfriend!  Have you seen what I look like?  I can get WAY sluttier girls than you to go out with me.”

So, Emily agrees to keep things “casual” with Samara.  But not so fast!  As we all know by now, NO relationship on PLL can truly be a “casual relationship.”  Every first date must seem like Love Everlasting at least, for two episodes, or until the next love interest comes along, whichever is sooner.

 Worry not, Semily Fans!  The PLL writers have a solution for this conundrum which, also, could coincidentally end up allowing Emily to stick around for Season 3 of the show.  Some recruiter from Dartmouth Darby starts talking to her about swimming scholarships, conveniently noting that, if she moves out of Rosewood before the year is up, she probably will miss her chances of getting one. 

Emily is thrilled.  Now, she finally has ammunition to take to her mother that could genuinely prevent her from having to move to a dreaded “Red State,” if you catch my drift.

At the movies, Samara and Emily talk about the “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” (real ones, not the ones from that LAME Matthew McConaughey Movie). 

Emily recalls that her first date with her FIRST girlfriend Maya, was also a Movie Date.  (Good job, Emily!  Because THAT’S what all new significant others like to hear on a first date Tales of the Ex.  Man, Emily really does SUCK at this whole dating thing, doesn’t she?)  Paige, of course, is not mentioned at all. 

EMILY:  “Umm . . . Samara.  Have you noticed that no one else is in this movie theater aside from us?”

SAMARA:  “Oh, did I forget to mention that I was taking you to see porn?  Sorry about that.”

In and of itself, the scene is pretty useless.  Samara and Emily don’t even hold hands or touch, let alone kiss.  I suspect the only reason for the existence of the scene, was to show that Emily was BACK IN THE DATING world, and to foreshadow Maya’s inevitalble return in a later episode. 

*insert evil laugh here*

Don’t get me wrong, I like Samara.  She’s fun and drama free, which is exactly what Emily needs in a girlfriend right now.  But seriously?  This storyline? Zzzzzzzzz.

Back at home, Emily’s mom is surprisingly open to the idea of Emily staying in Rosewood and finishing out her high school career there, if it means her getting a swimming scholarship to Dartmouth Danby.  She just wants a letter from the recruiter GUARANTEEING  the scholarship, before she brings the idea to Emily’s father.  Ummm, Emily’s Mom?  That’s actually not how college recruitment works . . . AT ALL!

Maternal Advice FAIL

Now, don’t forget that Emily was the Dumb Bunny who left her EVIDENCE OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITY filled computer open and on in her bedroom, while her house was being shown for rental, so ANY NUMBER OF STRANGERS HAD EASY ACCESS TO ALL HER FILES. 

Is she pretty?  Absolutely.  Is she a spectacular athlete?  It would seem so.  Is she smart?  Not so much. 

So, of course, Emily assumes that her New Recruiter Friend will have absolutely NO TROUBLE giving her a PROMISE OF SCHOLARSHIP letter.  As you would expect, New Recruiter Friend pretty much LAUGHS IN HER FACE.  And yet, he does promise to give her a “We are definitely, maybe, considering, giving you a scholarship to our school . . . I think” letter. Emily looks crestfallen. 

That being said, since we all know she’s SOMEHOW going to manage to stay in Rosewood, assuming PLL gets picked up for another season, it’s hard, as a viewer, to really be worried for her.

Also during this scene, we learn that, in addition to erasing the harddrive of Emily’s laptop, SOMEONE stole camping gear from her garage.  Apparently, similar random break-ins have been occuring throughout Rosewood.  This handy-dandy piece of information may seem useless now, but it will come in handy later.

Hanna’s Dad Comes Back to Town (Nobody really cares.)

“I was so bored of my own story line, this week that I left in the middle of the episode to go watch The Voice.”

Of all the PLL girls, Hanna probably got the shortest end of the stick this week, in terms of plot advancing storylines.  (And that’s saying a lot, if you consider how LAME Emily’s storyline ended up being.  See above.)  When you think about it, all that really happened to Hanna this week was that her dad came back to town.  In the kitchen, the father/ daughter duo had their own little private therapy session about how Daddy-o only seemed to come around when Hanna was in trouble, and how he pretty much ABANDONED his own daughter for his better-behaved step-family. 

After Hanna stomps upstairs, Mama Marin and Papa Marin have a “reunion” of sorts, in which Daddy Dearest agrees to move back home for a while, until all this “Hanna as Murder Suspect Sh*t” blows over.  I can’t imagine things are going too well with Mr. Marin’s OTHER family, if he is so willing to up and leave them like this.  Then Hanna’s parents decide to do what any “rational” parents would do in this situation, they break out the booze.

I am SO getting you drunk, so I can get laid tonight.”

“You SURE ARE!”

You know, I don’t think it sends such a good message to teens that Aria’s and Hanna’s “Trouble with the Law” ended up being what brought BOTH of their parents back together.  It teaches kids that if their parents are having marital troubles, all they have to do is “act out” or misbehave in some way, and they will get back together.  Just sayin’

Oh, and I almost forgot, toward the end of the episode, Hanna randomly decides to forgive Mona for the Caleb Thing.  Mona claims excited, because “nobody has ever forgiven [her] before.”  (Umm . . . really, Mona?  Because I seem to remember HANNA forgiving you, last season, for starting a rumor that she had lipsuction, and for disinviting her to your Big Ass Birthday Party.  How quickly we forget?)

Hanna and Mona further cement their truce, by promising not to talk about their current love interests Caleb and Bushy Eyebrows Noel with one another.  That’s good, because I REALLY don’t want to learn anymore about Mona and Bushy Eyebrows making out.  I had to rinse my eyes out with alcohol from the last time that image was seared into my brain . . .

Parking Lot Sex . . . Well, that’s one way to Go Public with your “Secret Relationship”

So, remember how Fitzy promised to meet Aria at his apartment to talk about the “status” of their relationship.  Well, as it turns out, Fitzy got caught up in a little orientation meeting with college faculty, and his soon-to-be boss, and was late to the date  .  . . HOURS late.  (Apologetic Boyfriend FAIL!)  At first, Aria doesn’t seem to mind too much, as we know from earlier episodes how much she LOVES snooping around Fitzy’s apartment, while he’s not home. 

“So, it’s already been a few days, and Fitzy still hasn’t realized ‘A’ stole his diploma.  Do you think he’d notice if I took some of his underwear home for ‘safe keeping?’

First, she returns to Fitzy the diploma that “A” stole from his apartment to freak out the girls, then she starts reminiscing about their relationship, by looking through all sorts of little mementos Fitzy saved along the way, like, for example, the paper bags they wore over their heads, to note the secret status of their relationship. 

I can’t decide whether this is really romantic, or really creepy . . . I’m leaning toward creepy.

As Aria tends to do, while snooping around Fitzy’s alone, she calls Spencer to ask for advice about how long she should wait at the apartment, before she starts looking like a Total Desperate Hobag.  “You are the master of time,” Aria says to Spencer, kissing her ass, as hard as she can.

This true, technically,  when it comes to macking with the boys, Spencer is an EXPERT with time.  It’s the timing of everything ELSE in her life that seems to suck so royally.  Anywho, Spencer ditches Aria to go hang out with Toby.  So, after hours, of waiting for Fitzy to show up, Aria finally decides to leave. 

Cleverly (or callously, depending on how you view it), Aria leaves her Dear John note for Fitzy, in his old-fashioned type writer.  (Maybe she was hoping he wouldn’t find it?  I mean, really, just because he OWNS a typewriter, doesn’t mean he uses it.  Fitzy may be OLDER, but he’s not OLD!  He knows how to use a computer, for crying out loud!)

Nevertheless, the typewriter is where Aria ends up placing her letter, which goes a little something like this:  “I’m sorry we couldn’t work things out with our relationship. -Aria”  (OUCH!)

If any of you out there were MAD at Aria for the particular way in which she decided to dump Fitzy (Hey, at least she didn’t do it by text message or Post-It Note), worry not, karma got to her BIG TIME, when she wandered into Spencer’s house, after being stood up on her “talking date.”  Upon entering Spencer’s house, Aria steps on broken glass, immediately signifying to her that SOMEONE has broken in.  (No wonder Spencer carries that knife around everywhere.  That house sees more action than Paris Hilton!)  However, before Aria can react to this new information, she is tackled to the ground by an unseen home invader, as he dashes from the home.

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When Spencer comes home, her and Aria discuss the possibility that “A” has been sneaking into homes in the area, and collecting things . . . that “A” may be Ian . . . and that he may be out to get Spencer.

The next day at school, is Fitzy’s last day, he seems SUPER sad to be leaving “his students,” and by “his students” I basically mean, only Aria. 

“I don’t even know who half of you people are . . . I spent the entire year staring at Aria’s rack.”

“No wonder I got an ‘A-cup’ in English this semester.”

In fact, Fitzy’s entire goodbye speech seems to be solely directed toward her.  (I guess he uses that typewriter, after all!)  In typical Geeky, but Endearing, Fitzy fashion, he uses a quote to embody his feelings for Aria the class.  “Joseph Campbell once said, ‘You must give up the life you planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you.’  I didn’t understand what that meant, until I met you.”

(Well, you better explain it to ME, Fitzy!  Because it doesn’t sound all that inspiring from where I’m standing.)

Nevertheless, Fitzy’s speech must have had an impact on Aria, because, after HOURS of sitting by herself on school grounds (weren’t her parents looking for her), she rushes into Fitzy’s classroom, looking for him, only to find that he has already left.

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But fear not, Ezria fans!  Because when Aria runs out to the parking lot, she finds Fitzy packing the last of his personal belongings into his car, and, in perfect Romantic Comedy Fashion, rushes into his arms for one of those LOOOOONG KISSES, that they use the 360 degree camera to film.

Source

It was heart-warming, triumphant, and super sweet . . . but it also made me really dizzy.  Just sayin’.

 Jason 2.0 apparently has both Multiple Personality, and Multiple Face Disorder

As I mentioned earlier, Super Sleuth Spencer has taken it upon herself, to find out exactly what happened to Ian.  First, she tries getting information from her sister Mopey Melissa, but girlfriend is not cracking.  So, she gets some store bought cookies, puts them in a plate to make them look baked, and carries them over to Maya’s house, where Jason is currently staying.

Though they showed Jason a bit, in the first scene, where he was throwing out all of Alison’s stuff, Spencer’s second meeting with Jason marked the first time I REALIZED that he was a different person.  And BOY was I confused! 

Luckily, I had my laptop in front of me, and was able to locate the article I linked above for you, which explained the Great Jason DiLaurentis Body Snatch.  Apparently, the old Jason was recast for someone a bit younger looking, as this was more consistent with the “direction” in which the writers wanted the character to go, in the show’s second season.

Considering that they chose a younger-looking actor, and considering that, EVERY MALE on this show ends up somehow involved with one of the PLL’s, I suspect that the main reason for this little switcheroo was to set up a future romance between Jason, and one of our girls (Using process of elimination, I would suspect it would be Aria Hanna, since both Spencer and Hanna already have love triangles with which to grapple, and Aria is currently a one-man lady.) 

And yet, while the actor who plays Nu-Jason is definitely cute, I can’t help but feel like the way his character is being introduced, is too similar to the way the writers introduced Toby in Season One, i.e.  The Sort of Creepy, Potential Suspect, Guy, who ends up being Sweet and Misunderstood.

I hope I’m wrong.  Because, as far as I’m concerned, there can only be one Toby.

Word!”

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  So, Spencer arrives at the house, and a grouchy Jason, makes me sort of hate him, by throwing rocks at a poor defenseless little dog, to get him out of the back yard.  He’s pretty defensive and rude to Spencer, and yet somehow gets her talking about what happened at the church.  At least initially, Jason seems to believe Spencer’s story about what Ian did, and what might have happened to him. 

You’ve really gotta hand it to Jason 2.0.   He’s smart.  Here was Super Sleuth Spencer coming to his home for information, and SHE ended up giving all the information she had to HIM, while he pretty much revealed nothing.  Talk about a Wanna Be Veronica Mars, FAIL, Spencer!

This scene is followed by a completely random, and not all that useful, flashback, in which Ali taunts her older brother Jason 2.0, by hiding his crap from him.  She makes some very Ali-like comment about how, when she hides things, they stay hidden.  I suspect it was supposed to be a “mysterious” scene.  And yet, I was so distracted by the appearance of Jason 2.0, I found myself unable to really concentrate on it all that much, to be honest.

(Didn’t they say last season that he used to be a goth, back when Ali was alive?  He looks more like the Captain of the Soccer Team here.)

Spencer’s sleuthing abilities are redeemed somewhat, when she comes home to her lazy ass sister, sitting right on the couch, where she seems to have been for two days straight. 

“I’m on to you Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill . . . er . . . I mean, Melissa.”

Though Melissa claims to have been there the whole time, Spencer notices that Melissa’s raincoat and boots are wet, and in her pocket is the sonogram picture that she showed Spencer earlier.  Also, though Melissa clearly left the house that day, her car seems not to have moved.  Now, Spencer is wondering whether Melissa has been “entertaining” someone in the barn where Ali was pretty much last seen alive . . . possibly Ian.

But this section isn’t about Melissa or Ian, right?   It’s about Jason. 

Toward the end of the episode, the girls find him outside building a fence, either to keep intruders out, or to keep someone IN. 

He’s building in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, and seems to have a TON of camping gear around him, similar to the camping gear that was stolen from Emily’s house. 

That cute little dog is there again, and it seems to be sniffing inside one of the sleeping bags, on the ground near Jason.  Something long and tall, is in that bag . . . something that could be but probably isn’t a dead body.

In the final scene of the episode, we see the Infamous Gloved Hand fondling the cute dog’s head.  For a second, we worry that Evil Gloved Hand Person might do something TRULY AWFUL, like break the dog’s neck. 

But, instead, it just lovingly pets the dog, who seems to recognize Gloved Hand instantly.  If this is, in fact, the DiLaurentis Family dog than Gloved Hand person, must be someone who is familiar with the family . . . like, for example, Ian . . .or one of Ali’s parents . . . maybe even Ali, herself.

And there you have it:  “The Goodbye Look” in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, when, if my sources are correct, MY HONEY BUNNY Doctor Wren / Julian Morris returns to Rosewood!  SQUEE!  (It’s about DAMN time!)

You can check out the SUPER INTENSE Much Music promo for the third episode, entitled “My Name is Trouble” here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Oh, how I’ve missed you.  Heck, I’ve missed THIS SHOW!  With its Text Messages from the Great Beyond . . . its Creepy Characters, Who Always Pop Up at Precisely the WRONG Moment . . . its Villain “A,” who seems to gain increasingly ridiculous superpowers, with every episode . . . its suprisingly steamy romance scenes . . . its RAMPANT MALE SHIRTLESSNESS.  Did I mention the shirtlessness?

Well, HELLO Fitzy!  Welcome to the NAKED CLUB!

Though it got off to an admittedly slow start, this week’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars definitely succeeded in giving us the best this show has to offer, with, not one, but TWO “I love you” declarations, multiple couple-y exchanges, a whole lot of Grade “A” craziness, and the return of two VERY frightening monsters . . . one with Furry Caterpillars Where His Eyebrows Should Be . . .

 . . . the other, a BONAFIDE ZOMBIE!

Man, this show is getting SCARIER than TVD!

Let’s review, shall we?

(Oh, and before I begin, a very special thanks to THIS spectacular website, for providing the Most Comprehensive Collection of Pretty Little Liars Screencaps on the planet!  Unless, it’s a GIF, if you see a picture in this recap that you like, it’s probably from THERE.)

People Not to Be Trusted #1 – Police Boy Garrett

Reason:  Because we KNOW where THAT tongue has been!

The season premiere begins EXACTLY where the Season 1 finale left off.   Our fabulous foursome have just left the church, where Purple-Faced Creepy Pedo Ian, who was last seen hanging from the rafters of the Church, has seemingly vanished into thin air, making our protagonists (who actually called the police, for a change) look like, for lack of a better term, “Pretty Little Liars.”

Outside the church, the girls talk nervously to one another, trying to convince themselves that what they saw was real . . . and that Creepy Pedo Ian is REALLY no more.  But the doubts are already starting to creep into their brains.  Did they really see what they THOUGHT they saw?  Or has “A” been playing tricks on them again?

 Meanwhile, seemingly the ENTIRE town of Rosewood has come out for this fun-filled local event.  After all, it’s not every day you get to see the dead body of a neighbor of yours, hung from the church ceiling, like a Christmas Tree ornament!

YAY!  Hangings are FUN!

 Unfortunately, for the people of Rosewood, Dead Body Watch is simply not in the cards for them.  This corpse has gone on vacation (probably with the dude from that old movie, Weekend at Bernies!).

Suddenly, the PLL girls are the MOST HATED KIDS IN TOWN!  How DARE they get their neighbors all excited about the opportunity to see their FIRST Dead Body (well . . . second, if you count Alison’s), and then NOT deliver!  FOR SHAME!  Fortunately, Police Boy Garrett swoops in to rescue them, before the tomatos and smelly shoes start being thrown. 

“Come with me,” says Police Boy gallantly.

Like Aria, I began to question Police Boy’s motives, the minute he refused to allow the teens to tell their parents they were heading down to the police station.  Granted, Police Boy’s superiors probably TOLD him to do this, in order to prevent the girls’ parents from immediately instructing them to ask for attorney representation, thereby stopping the investigation in its tracks.  But still . . . how many horror movies have YOU seen, where the innocent teens enter a cop car they think is safe, only to find out that the “Mild-Mannered Police Boy” in the front seat is really an INSANE PSYCHO KILLER?

My suspicions GREW, along with those of the rest of the girls, when Police Boy DID NOT, as promised, take the girls to the police station, but rather DROVE THEM TO A DESERTED STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND FORCED THEM OUT OF THE COP CAR!

Well girls . . . it was nice knowing ya!

Fortunately, for the PLLs, Police Boy actually seems LESS interested in ripping out their throats, and eating their faces for late night snack, and more concerned with COVERING HIS OWN ASS.  Remember, Police Boy Garrett has A LOT to hide from his superiors.  For starters, he’s in a relationship with the decidedly underage Creepy Blind Jenna (though the PLL girls don’t know this, yet).  He had also orchestrated the girls’ botched attempt to blackmail Creepy Pedo Ian into confessing to Alison’s murder, using the disturbing Snuff Porn-like video “A” sent to them (along with 10 Gs) as bait . . .

The girls promptly agree to keep their mouths shut about the video.  After all, none of the cops seem to believe anything they say, anyway. 

Oh, and I bet you will never guess who was conveniently lurking in the shadows, watching hearing this ENTIRE exchange take place, almost as though she had ORCHESTRATED THE WHOLE THING HERSELF?

So, much for finding a DESERTED PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Police Boy!  If Blind Jenna could hear you, chances are other people could have too!

People Not to Trust #2 – PLL PARENTS!

Allow me to introduce you to the Swell Parents of PLL, from left to right:  Mama “I Hit on My Students’ Teachers” Montgomery, Papa “Sleeps With Students” Montgomery, Papa “Win at All Costs” Hastings, Mama “Favors Her Older Daughter” Hastings, Mama “Slutty Thief” Marin (where’s Hannah’s absentee dad?), and Mama “Homophobe” Fields.

After suffering through hours of police investigation, the PLL girls head to Spencer’s house for a slumber party, except not much slumbering is occuring.  And when they head downstairs to get some coffee and refreshments, ALL their parents are there.  And they have some BAD NEWS.

Remember how last season, the cops thought Spencer was a TOTAL wackadoo liar, who might have actually been responsible for Alison’s death?  Well, now, apparently, in the wake of the Ian Thing, the blame has spread to all FOUR of the girls.  Now, the cops suddenly think the PLLs are OBSESSED with Creepy Pedo Ian, and are blaming Alison’s death on him, to cover up for their own wrongdoing. 

However, instead of working on getting the girls FOUR SEPARATE attorneys, like normal parents would do in this situation, the PLL Sucky Parent Club decide that the key to solving their kids’ problems is to have them ALL SEE THE SAME SHRINK TOGETHER!  Their rationale for this?  Apparently, the PLL Sucky Parent Club believes that the mere act of seeking professional help will make the kids look more LIKEABLE in the eyes of the cops and the press.

Never mind that these kids are actually WANTED FOR MURDER.  Don’t worry about the fact that they have all been TRAUMATIZED BY THEIR FRIEND’S DEATH, and may actually NEED psychological counseling on an INDIVIDUAL basis to cope with this.  All that’s important to THESE parents is that their kids LOOK sympathetic to the cops.  Parenting FAIL!

By the way, since when did the mere act of going to a shrink make a person more likeable?  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s absolutely NO SHAME in seeking professional help for personal issues.  I just don’t see the relationship between getting help, and looking “less guilty” during a police investigation.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “awesome” parenting, did I mention that Abs Toby came to visit Spencer that morning, and her loving dad SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THE POOR GUY’S FACE?

That’s right, Pops!  This is EXACTLY what you should do when you are worried that your daughter might be having a nervous breakdown, SYSTEMATICALLY ISOLATE HER from all her friends / sole support system.  Great idea!

With parents like THESE, is it any wonder I am always making this face?

People Not to Trust #3 – Blind Jenna (but we already knew that)

In the subsequent scene, we see Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett cuddled together in Police Boy’s cop car for a little Makeout / Stakeout Session outside “Dead” Ali’s house, where they are inappropriately leering at Ali’s older brother, hot shirtless Jason, as he conveniently undresses in front of an open window.  Remember JASON, ladies?  Because, I sure do . . .

YUMMY!

For reasons, I simply cannot understand, Police Boy and Blind Jenna are not NEARLY as excited about Jason’s return to Rosewood as I am.  In fact, Jason makes them nervous . . . very nervous.   This, apparently, has something to do with a “Jason Thing” they don’t want anybody to find out about.  Wait a minute . . . a JASON THING?  So, let me get this straight.  The PLL girls had a Blind Jenna Thing.  And Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have a JASON THING!  That’s a whole lotta “things”!

People Not to Trust #4 – Bushy Eyebrows Noel

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At school, Aria is excited to learn that her mom is moving back home to try and patch things up with her dad.  And blah, blah, blah.  I think I fell asleep during that scene. 

Even THEY look bored.

But things get interesting again, when we get to English class, and Aria is forced to confront Fitzy for the first time since the “Ex Girlfriend Jackie Incident.” 

AWK-WARD!

Now, I know Fitzy is supposed to be this “cool” teacher and all.  And he probably didn’t want to stir up any more speculation regarding his relationship with Aria than probably already existed, particularly considering he was LEAVING HIS JOB SO HE COULD DATE HER.  

But I still think Aria’s main man should have said SOMETHING about the extremely cruel Hangman Chalk Drawing on the board, with the word “liars” more or less spelled out beneath it, in obvious reference to the PLL girls’ statements regarding Creepy Pedo Ian.  I mean, that was just an inappropriate thing for a student to do.  (Though, even I’ve got to admit, it was pretty damn funny!)

What can I say?  I couldn’t resist!

English class goes from bad to worse for our female heroines, when Bushy Eyebrows Noel returns from his suspension, seemingly primed for revenge against Aria and Fitzy.  The twin caterpillars on his forehead nearly do a little Dance of Joy, when he turns toward Aria, and leeringly asks her, “Miss me?”  I literally got chills . . .

People Not to Trust #5 – Mona Your Fellow Classmates

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In the hallways, the PLL girls find themselves the subject of some pretty harsh ridicule, as a result of the publicity they garnered from the Ian Thing.  And when Hanna’s so-called pal Mona overhears the gossiping, I half expected her to join right along.  (Remember when Mona told the whole school that Hannah had liposuction?  Good times!)  But Mona surprises me, by sticking up for her friend publicly in front of her detractors.  “I don’t know what’s more pathetic,” begins Mona.  “People who gossip, or people who LISTEN to gossip.”  (And MONA would know!)

After the girls leave, Mona then tries to cheer up her downtrodden pal, by remarking on one of the “gossipers’ Flat Asses, and how bad they look in skinny jeans.  And I must admit, the exchange made me like Mona just a little bit more.  So, we all know she’s going to have to screw it up soon, right?

People Not To Trust #6 – FITZY(?)

Meanwhile, in the same hallway, Spencer and Aria are marveling over how popular Bushy Eyebrows Noel has suddenly become.   (Perhaps, the caterpillars on his forehead possess some weird mind control powers over the masses?)

Fitzy interrupts the exchange, calling Aria back into his classroom to have wild and crazy sex on top of his desk “talk about her English paper.”  Aria seems skeptical of the request, but ultimately complies.

Like Mona before him, Fitzy wins some points with me, by not immediately jumping into his “you have to forgive me” for lying about my ex-girlfriend routine.  Fitzy’s no dumby.  He’s heard the gossip about the Ian Thing, and can see how Aria and her friends are being treated at school.  He offers Aria comfort and support, and wants her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

But Aria is still really hurt about the Jackie Thing, and feels as though it has irrevocably changed things between her and Fitzy.  Fitzy insists to Aria that NOTHING has changed, and that he still loves her.  (Easy for HIM to say.  HE wasn’t the one who had the run-in with the dreaded Ex.)  When Aria doesn’t respond to his statement in kind, Fitzy wonders out loud whether they are over.  Aria says that she doesn’t know. Then she dashes from the room. 

No sex in the English class room for Fitzy!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

People Not to Trust #7 – Abs Toby’s Family (and Spencer’s)

Hanna and Aria aren’t the only ones having lousy days.  Spencer is having one too.  First, she goes to sneak a visit to Toby’s and is told by Blind Jenna that Toby’s parents have forbade him to see her.  Of course, it is uncertain whether this is the TRUTH, or if Blind Jenna is just saying this so her little rape victim can’t get laid away from home.  “Whatever little ‘thing’ you had with him is over,” seethes Blind Jenna, before slamming the door in Spencer’s face.

At the Hastings’ house, Police Boy Garrett is questioning an annoyingly inconsolate Melissa about Creepy Pedo Ian’s disappearance.  Spencer arrives home, and Melissa starts screaming at her, telling her that as soon as Creepy Pedo Ian returns FROM HELL! the two of them are leaving town.  Because Melissa DOES NOT want her Satan Spawn baby consorting with the likes of Spencer.  NO SIR! 

Rather than trying to convince their older daughter that their younger one isn’t EVIL, Spencer’s parents just stare dumbly at the wall in front of them.  This prompts Spencer to (correctly) note that, even though the Hastings have TWO daughters, they are only protecting one.  YEAH, SPENCER!  You tell that Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill and her two middle-aged minions what’s what!

People Not to Trust #8 – Emily’s Mom (and the Creepy Realtor)

Emily is sitting in her bedroom watching internet porn . . . er .  . . I mean the creepy tape showing Blind Jenna raping Toby.  A realtor comes by.  He’s helping Emily’s mom to sell and/or rent out the house, so that the Fields’ family can go and be with their dad on the army base in Texas.  The realtor seems creepily interested in Emily’s personal memorabilia, like her childhood pictures, and her Wall Height Chart.  And yet, he tells her that she will have to remove all personal affects from her home in order to help it sell better.  Emily scowls . . . eager to return to her Rape DVD.

People We Can TOTALLY Trust #1 – ADORABLE LUCAS!

I smell bromance!

My SECOND favorite scene in this week’s season premiere just so happened to be one of the shortest.  In it, Adorable Lucas drives a Lovestruck Caleb back into town, and drops him off at a nearby hotel.  As Caleb is exiting the car, Lucas leaves him with these parting words, “Listen, I don’t know what you did to Hanna . . . but don’t do it again.”

We now return to our regularly scheduling programing of UNTRUSTWORTHY characters . . .

People Not to Trust # 9 – Shrink Anne Sullivan

I have to say, I don’t blame Hannah the least bit, for preferring Retail Therapy to THIS Grief Counseling B.S., and trying to skip out on the session.  For one thing, why on Earth would the parents agree to let their kids attend grief counseling TOGETHER.  How can a teenager POSSIBLY feel comfortable letting out their deepest darkest feelings, while the three people who’s opinions of them matter most are listening?

Beyond that, I didn’t trust THIS shrink, AT ALL, from the minute she appeared on screen!  And, as the episode progressed further, I grew to trust her less and less.  (Way to give a warm fuzzy message to the kiddies about seeking professional help for mental issues, ABC FAMILY!)

I don’t think it is any accident at all that this counselor’s name is “Anne Sullivan,” as in the noted teacher of blind and deaf heroine and phenomenon, Hellen Keller.  Just out of curiosity, who ELSE do we know that’s BLIND on this show?

Just sayin’!

Anywhoo . . . not much happens during this first therapy session.  The girls just awkwardly rehash how they grew apart, following Alison’s initial disappearance, and reunited, after her body was found.  Ms. Sullivan notes that, under psychiatrist / patient privilege everything the girls say in the counselor’s room is private.  The girls seem tempted to divulge their deepest darkest secrets.  But, ultimately, they don’t. 

And . . . judging by what happens later in the episode, that’s probably a GOOD THING!

Outside the therapist’s office, the girls find a local paper, featuring the four of them on the front page.  To their chagrin, the article suggests that Ian skipped town on Melissa, and the foursome knew about it / attempted to cover it up.  Apparently, Ian’s car was found in the woods, abandoned, with $10,000 stowed away in the backseat . . . i.e the blackmail money the girls attempted to offer Ian during the finale.

SURPRISE!  It’s time for another text from “A.”  This one says, “I spy a liar.”  OK, I’m sorry, A, but that was just lame, particularly for a FIRST post hiatus text message.

The only thing that makes SPENCER feel better about this moment is that Toby seems to be there waiting for her. 

Except, as it turns out, he’s NOT waiting for Spencer . . . he’s waiting to pick up Blind Jenna from some appointment he had to attend. 

(You know, this ENTIRE episode seemed to point to Jenna and Police Boy Garrett working together as “A.”  Of course, knowing this show, this probably means that neither of them are “A.”  Still, this devilish duo DOES seem to always be around when “A” is doing her nastiest deeds.)

People Not to Trust #10 Caleb(?) and Mona (I knew she’d somehow wind up back on this list.)

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 Hannah comes home from an afternoon of shopping and head shrinking to find Caleb waiting for her in her kitchen.  After making sure her daughter is OK, Mama Marin rises to leave the two lovebirds alone.  Poor Hanna is CLEARLY affected by her Virginity Removers unexpected return to Rosewood.  But she stays strong, and tries to remain stoic.  “You not allowed to . . . look at me like that,” scolds Hannah, as the Caleb Puppy Dog Eyes begin to work their magic on her recently iced over heart . . .

FINALLY, Caleb gets to tell Hanna about the Goodbye Letter he gave to Mona to deliver to her.  FINALLY, he gets to tell her how he feels, and how truly sorry he is for SPYING ON HER for Batsh*t Crazy Blind Jenna!  (It SURE took him long enough!)  “Most of my life, I have felt alone . . . even when I was with people . . . until I met you . . .  If you let me, I will make it up to you .  . . I love you,” Caleb explains, his eyes welling up with big hearty man-tears, as he speaks.

Oh, hormones!  How you wreck me!

Though moved by Caleb’s words, Hanna stays strong, unable to get past the VERY personal way in which Caleb betrayed her.  For those of you who have forgotten . . .

*whistles*

Caleb is crushed by Hanna’s refusal to forgive him, and her seemingly cold response to his love declaration.  But he understands why Hanna feels the way she does, and accepts it . . . for now.  “Goodbye, Hannah,” he tells her sadly before exiting the house, for what he probably believes will be the last time. 

It is not until after Caleb leaves that Hanna finally allows those long suffering tears to escape her eyes.

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I’ve gotta be honest.  The whole thing is pretty darn depressing.  And yet, things are about to get worse for poor Hanna!

Our heroine heads immediately to the local coffee shop to confront Mona for failing to give Hanna Caleb’s letter.  I must admit, when Mona first threw away Caleb’s Goodbye Love Letter to Hanna, I was the first one to accuse her of doing it out of petty jealousy.  And yet, upon being confronted, Mona’s assertion that she did it to protect Hannah’s heart from being broken again seemed surprisingly genuine.  (I can’t BELIEVE I’m actually saying something nice about Mona today.  What’s wrong with me?)

That being said, those MASSIVE Eiffel Tower earrings and that CLOWN lipstick HAVE TO GO!

Hanna wasn’t about to forgive Caleb, and she’s CERTAINLY not going to forgive her best friend for HER betrayal.  For a split second, I actually found myself feeling bad for Mona, who, let’s face it, really doesn’t have any other friends to fall back on, after this.  But then THIS happened, and ALL that good will, I had just built up for Mona went flying RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!

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HOLY MOTHER OF UGLY CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!  Mona is swapping spit with Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  Hell has obviously frozen over . . .

People Not to Trust #11 – Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s Sister, Melissa

Remember back when the PLL girls orchestrated a date night for Emily and Maya, when their parents wouldn’t let them see one another? 

Well, as it turns out, Emily is ready to return the favor, by orchestrating a little secret date time at HER house for Spencer and Abs Toby.  Spencer prepares for her Big Night Out by stepping into something a bit sluttier more comfortable . . .

So, of course, Cockblock Melissa has to come in and RUIN EVERYTHING!

GRRRR!

Apparently, Melissa suffers from some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder.  Just a few hours ago, she was AFRAID TO LET SPENCER NEAR HER BABY, afraid that the mere proximity would cause her precious child to contact Pretty Little Cooties.  But now, suddenly, Melissa is the PERFECT Big Sis, promising not to rat Spencer out for going on her secret date, and telling Spencer that she “believes her” about Ian.  “I know he would NEVER leave me to bang more underage chicks, like Ali, and you, and Blind Jenna,” coos Melissa nauseatingly.

She then lets Spencer in on a little secret, the name of her future child.  It’s “Taylor.”  Damn it!  That was going to be the name of MY future child, if I ever decided to have kids.  Well, SCRAP THAT!  (By the way, remember this little tidbit of info, because it’s going to become important later.)

Suddenly, Melissa wants to know EVERYTHING about Spencer’s adventures with “A.”  (How convenient!)  Not able to say no to her SHREW of a sister, who so rarely acts like a human being, that Spencer really must take advantage of the rare moments when this occurs, the younger Hastings sister reluctantly texts Emily to cancel her date with the Tobster.

Back at Emily’s house, Toby does carpentry work for Emily (OK, when did the character formerly known as Creepy Toby suddenly become the PERFECT SPECIMEN of man). 

And though he is clearly disappointed about being ditched by his girlfriend, the Tobster still manages to share a sweet moment with Emily, promising her that all is forgiven between them, and that the two will still be friends, even after she leaves for Texas.  (Repeat after me:  AWWW!)

People Not to Trust #12 – YOURSELF (around a Shirtless Fitzy)

SQUEE!  It does SQUATS TOO!

So, remember when I told you that the Adorable Lucas scene was my SECOND favorite one in the hour.  Well, THIS one was my favorite.  This, of course, had nothing at all to do with the dialogue between Aria and Ezra, and EVERYTHING to do with THIS . . .

OK ladies!  For those of you out there who have EVER tried to make the argument that Fitzy and Aria have NOT done the deed yet, this episode should absolutely, positively prove you WRONG!  Because here’s the thing, had Aria not ALREADY made herself EXTREMELY familiar with Fitzy’s “goods” there is NO WAY IN HELL that she would have been able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation with him for three minutes, while he was looking LIKE THAT!  It’s scientifically impossible!

Holy heck!  Who knew THAT was underneath all those geeky sweatervests and button down shirts Fitzy always wears.  If I was a guy and looked like him, I’d never wear clothing AT ALL!

But I guess I should at least somewhat mention the conversation that took place in this scene.  Fitzy thanks Aria for coming to see her.  He encourages her to talk about all the crap that’s going on in her life.  He promises her that she is not alone, because she has him, basically saying all the right things to get back into his girlfriend’s panties good graces.

Then Fitzy allows Aria to play Twenty Questions with him.  She starts peppering him with questions about his relationship with Jackie.  Was he on the rebound, when he met her?  He says he wasn’t.  And yet, he WAS technically still in love with Jackie, on that fateful day when Aria and Fitzy banged in the bathroom . . .

Hmmm . . . interesting.

Fitzy realizes he probably screwed up by saying that, so he uses his poetry skills to try and dig himself out of the massive hole into which he just dug himself.  “There is not one moment when we were together when I was ever thinking about ANYBODY other than you,” he offers.  “You know what I love about Saturdays?”  He adds.  “It’s looking up and realizing we have the WHOLE DAY to be together.”

Well played, Fitzy.  But, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.  When everyone’s favorite Naked English teacher asks Aria to spend the day with him, she declines.  She doesn’t even agree to CALL him the next day.  OUCH!   Maybe the sex isn’t that good?

 As Aria is leaving Fitzy’s place, she gets  a text from “A.” 

It’s a photograph of Fitzy’s home office.  Apparently, “A” has removed the spare key from under his mat, and took the liberty of letting him or herself inside.  I vaguely recall Police Boy Garrett snatching that key last season.  Intriguing . . .

People Not to Trust #13  – THE WORLD!

Together once again, the PLL’s make a joint decision to spill their guts to Shrinky Dink Anne Sullivan.  They even plan to show her the Rape DVD of Blind Jenna (wonder how Abs Toby would feel about that), and the Snuff Porn Ali and Ian film, both of which are currently stored on Emily’s computer.  (Note: Important.)  The foursome schedule an appointment with Shrinky.  However, just when they are about to show her the video, Hannah notices an interesting diploma on the wall.  It’s Fitzy’s.

I have to admit, when I first noticed the diploma, I didn’t make the right connection.  My first thought was that Anne Sullivan was Fitzy’s MOM!  (Though now I see, the age difference is a bit too small for that.)  After a few moments, however, I realized what the PLL’s did.  That “A” had clearly stolen Fitzy’s diploma, and put it in Anne Sullivan’s office, as a warning to them against spilling the beans to her about what they knew.

The question is, who else, aside from the PLL’s would realistically make an appointment with a grief counselor, in order to have access to her office.  Once again, all signs point to Blind Jenna . . .

“It always comes back to me, doesn’t it?”

Suitably freaked out, the girls rush out of Shrinky Dink’s office, making sure to take Fitzy’s diploma with them.  This pisses off La Shrinka ROYALLY, and she responds by telling all the PLL’s parents that they shouldn’t hang out together anymore.  WOW, that’s pretty much the WORST ADVICE a grief counselor could give a group of girls who are EXPERIENCING LOSS, DON’T TRUST ANYONE, and ASIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.  And yet, all the PLL parents think this is a FABULOUS idea.

No wonder teens don’t listen to their parents!  The adults on EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY teen-oriented show I watch SUCK SERIOUS ASS!

I am REALLY hating this Shrink Lady.  So, much so, that when she was getting stalked as she left her office, I was kind of hoping “A” would kill her.  Except “A” would never do that, because Shrink Lady is CLEARLY in cahoots with “A.”  Because, think about it WHO ELSE would want to separate the PLL girls, so that she or he can work on them separately and make their lives miserable.  It wouldn’t be the first time “A” tried to break up the PLL crew!

Be afraid, PLLs!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of afraid, Spencer is home alone, and hears a noise in her kitchen.  For a few dreamy seconds there, I was kind of hoping it was the same person who made the NOISE in her kitchen LAST TIME this happened!

Come back, Dr. Wren!  I MISS YOU!

But Spencer’s had kind of a bad day.  So, she doesn’t think her intruder is Drunk Wren, at all.  Rather, she’s convinced it is SOMEONE TRYING TO MURDER HER.  And so she takes a page out of the Scream handbook, and does THIS . . .

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Except the Psycho Killer actually ends up being ABS TOBY!

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(Hey, Spencer got to make use out of that slutty top, after all!)

“I had to see you,” Toby whispers in Spencer’s ear sweetly, as the two rush into one another’s arms for a tearful embrace. 

I really do heart these two.  I especially loved when Toby left the house after sex with Spencer their date, and protectively told Spencer to “lock the door.”  Spencer’s response, “yes sir,” was so flirtatiously cute, and so “un-Spencer,” it totally gave you an idea of how smitten these two individuals are over one another.

Alas, things in the Hasting’s household can never stay sweet for long!  Spencer soon finds a new text message on her sister’s cell phone (Why did that asshat leave it home, after she JUST got it back?).  It’s from a blocked number.  The text says something about the person not being able to tell Melisssa his or her whereabouts, because it is “not safe yet.”

A freaked out Spencer, immediately texts all the PLL’s with an SOS.  The foursome sneak out of their houses and meet up in a random greenhouse.  (Who the heck has a random greenhouse, in Rosewood?  Just sayin’.)  The girls immediately wonder whether IAN is alive and well, and texting Melissa.  To test this theory, they ask him a question they ASSUME only Ian would know, the name of his future child.  The texter responds correctly, “Taylor.”

It’s ALLLLLIIIIIIIIVE!

Except, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that text WAS from Ian.  After all, considering how much “A” knows about all the girls that nobody else does, who’s to say she couldn’t have picked up that specific piece of information about the name of Melissa’s future baby.  Regardless, the PLL girls are understandably pissing in their pants now.

But the real kicker comes at the end of the episode when GLOVED HAND reappears.  This time he or she has made an appointment with the Fields’ realtor to see their house.  While there, the person ERASES EMILY’S ENTIRE HARDDRIVE, including all the incriminating DVD’s thereon. 

OK, I’m sorry, but Emily must be a friggin moron.  Why the HELL would you leave your VERY VALUABLE laptop out in the open when LOTS OF RANDOM people would be stopping by to SEE YOUR HOUSE?  Didn’t what happened to Spencer’s laptop at the dance last season teach you anything? 

More interesting than Emily’s stupidity though, is the fact that Gloved Hand HAS to be an adult.  After all, a Realtor wouldn’t in good faith show a home for sale to a TEEN, like Jenna, Mona or Noel, would they?  This little clue would serve to point a finger to some of the OLDER suspects on the show, like, for example, Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s brother, Jason, Anne Sullivan, or even Fitzy.  Then again, “A” could still be a teen who merely HIRED someone to do this for him or her.

“OK . . . now, I’m totally confused!”

And, there you have it:  our first Season 2 PLL episode, in a VERY LARGE nutshell.  Did it live up to your expectations?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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CinderWaldorf and Chuck Bashed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s ‘The Princesses and the Frog”

SERENA:  “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”

CHUCK:  “Oh, wow!  Today is Character Assassination Day.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me.  How are you going to spend it, Serena?”

SERENA:  “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”

CHUCK: “Wow.  That’s good!  I hate you already.”

SERENA: “I know, right?  How are YOU going to celebrate?”

CHUCK:  “I’m considering getting wasted,  pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”

SERENA:  “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”

*Sigh*  Oh, Chuck Bass!  I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!

All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT!  Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink.  All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .

 . . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .

But NOOOOOO!  The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters.  Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone. 

It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple.  Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .

“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my .  . . Cheerios.”

But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode!  (See?  Trying to stay positive here . . .)  On to the recap!

“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T.  (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”

BLAIR:  “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast?  I mean, I really hardly know you.  And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”

LOUIS:  (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent)  “Of course, not Claire!  I love you, more than life itself.  And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”

BLAIR:  “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”

LOUIS: “Really?  Oops.”

After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .

“Take that, Kate Middleton!”

They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another.  (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)

Good job, Louis!  Kiss her and shut her up!

Roommate Serena grins and bears this.  But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.

“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO!  Mwah-ha-ha!”

Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!

“LOUIS!  You stop having fun, this INSTANT!  Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time!  Look at me!  The last time I smiled I was two-months old.  And that was only because I had gas.”

After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip.  FOR SHAME, SERENA!

“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son.  Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry?  Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”

Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl? 

Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing.  As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest.  You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW. 

OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?

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Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t.  It REALLY HAPPENS!  Go figure!

But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses!  He wants Blair!  Now, all Blair has  to do is convince her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball.  Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself! 

There’s just one problem . . .

As it turns out the Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day.  By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl.  Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER  (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .

EWWWWWW!

. . .  having a pregnancy scare  (COME ON!  Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .

. . . and dancing at a Burlesque Club . . .

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Come on, now!  THAT was awesome!

But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.”  So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!

Huh?

After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right?  Or DOES SHE?

Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball.  As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.

On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever.  On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”

BLAIR:   “Is there a knife in my dress?”

SERENA:  “Not in the front.  Turn around.  Let me see the back.”

Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .

Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )

*sings*  “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, hey, hey, hey GOODBYE!”

Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO?  I believe I did!  And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE!  Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!

Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .

“What can I say?  Ladies love Rufus H!”

All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!

Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall.  Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.  (Because Charlie pushed him.)

Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet.  But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .

 Charlie . . . in about 20 years.

But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .

Apparently, Manessa is leaving the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.”  (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)

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But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.”  (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa?  The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU and, maybe, Georgina Sparks .  . . and, of course, Charlie.)  So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .

 . . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.

When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.”  (Famous last words, right?) 

“Friends can still f*&k, right?”

Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer.  OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!

Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.

Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner.  But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .

“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”

Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere.  Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan.  Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown.  But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE. 

“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat.  But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”

As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients.  But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her.  And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .

Case in point . . .

Well, played Lunatic Charlie!  You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!

Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .

Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .

 . . . (not that anyone really cares).

Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .

Raina the Complain-a

“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit?  BE INTERESTED (or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).” 

So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama.  And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search.   Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result.  And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . .  (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)

So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done.  But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina.  He’d much prefer to have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .

“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”

Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”

Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair.  But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T!  That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things.  It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide.  It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed.   It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.

I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS!  Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .

BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .

Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah.  Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”

“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”

Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .

“Is this because you’re on your period?”

Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum:  “ME or CHUCK!”

So, Nate leaves . . .  (Wouldn’t you?)

Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand.  He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .

Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .

You Peed on My Fairytale!

“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this.  That’s what the teleprompter is for.”

After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .

 . . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .

Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”

At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .

“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead?  So, sorry to hear about that.”

Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode.  And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him.  But Chuck will NOT be stopped.  He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”

Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .

Oh, yeah!  They went there!

Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake.  Security ends up having to drag him out of the party.  A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.

Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .

“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”

A Decent Proposal

“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit?  Engagement rings are SO this century!”

Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.

Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .

Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty.  The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck. 

Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .

Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life.  He never thought he would be able to marry for love.  And now he can marry a total and complete stranger!  Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him.  And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her.  (Really?  Because I wouldn’t.) 

So, he gets on his knee and proposes.  But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .

Everything Turns to Crap . . .

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“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment.  “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads.  “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you.  That’s why you came back to me.”

Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal.  It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no.  But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly.  And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications.   Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER.  “You’re mine,” he say decisively.

“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.

 

“You’ll never be with anyone else but me.  The only thing that is real to me is you.”

There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness.  Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her.  But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene.  All we see in Chuck is FEAR:  the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.

And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall.  And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere.  Tragically,  Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .

As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.

  (WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE?  WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous?   My name is Nate.”

Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize.  “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine.  (How romantic!)

But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.

Here we go again . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!).  She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news.   Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal.  She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .

For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life.  But enough about me.  I want to know about YOU! 

Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota?  How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife?  Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am?  And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you?  Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?

Until next time . . .  XOXO. 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Kissing Cousins – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Stay in the Picture”

“OK, men of Gossip Girl!  The race to my bed (and into my panties) begins RIGHT NOW!  On your mark . . . get set . . .GO!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Congratulations on surviving yet another interminable GG hiatus!  To reward your patience, Blair, Chuck, Serena, Dan and the rest of the gang (which, obviously, does NOT include Vanessa, because Vanessa sucks Monkey Butt)  wish to share with you five BRAND NEW hours of makeouts, makeups, breakups, betrayals, conspicuous consumption, fights, schemes gone horribly awry, and, hopefully, at least one or two SUPER HOT SEX SCENES . . .

And while this week’s episode of Gossip Girl, wasn’t exactly the most action-packed I’ve seen, it did set the stage for what looks like it will be a riveting final third of the season. 

So, slip into that ugly gold unitard, and smile for the camera . . . because this recap is about to begin!

Bed-ridden, Befuddled, and Bound for the Slammer . . .

“Have you really been in BED for the entire hiatus, Blair?  How have you NOT flunked out of college yet?”

The episode begins with the media camped outside the van der Woodsen’s home, as a result of Lily having FINALLY turned herself into the police, for forging her daughter’s signature on a legal document stating that Boring Ben statutorily raped her, back in the day.  Thank the LORD that storyline is FINALLY over!

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Dorota, who knows how much Blair enjoys hearing about people who’s lives are worse than hers, traipses into Blair’s bedroom clutching the live news footage.  But Blair wants NO part of Serena’s Family Shame.  She is DEPRESSED, and, apparently, hasn’t left her bed for THREE WEEKS.  Of course, Mama Eleanor and Step Papa Cyrus haven’t noticed, because that would require a level of parenting simply unheard of on this show.

“We have a daughter?  So, THAT’S who’s been using the guest room all this time!”

Interestingly enough, Blair’s depression seems to have been triggered by the Saliva Swapping she engaged in with Dan Humphrey, about a month back . . .

That’s funny.  This image caused widespread depression among most Chair fans too!  Go figure!

Dorota, who assumes that Blair has “taken to her bed,” because she was fired from / quit her ridiculously unrealistic job as editorial assistant at W Magazine, gently reminds Blair that “Carmela Soprano” i.e. Edie Falco, didn’t become truly successful until age 40 . . .

The things you learn from watching Gossip Girl . . .

AGE FORTY?!  That’s like 92, in GOSSIP GIRL YEARS!  Fortunately, for Blair, she’s not going to have to wait that long.  As if, on cue, the phone rings.  It’s Epperley!   Remember THAT useless plot device of a character?

“Cheers!”

Back from her Epic Quest for Love in Bali, and ready to work once more, Epperley is now working on a photo book entitled “Modern Royalty,” which will feature photgraphs’ of Manhattan’s most elite families.  Now you would think that Blair, being a Waldorf, and the daughter of a famous fashion designer, would be the perfect person to be featured in that book.  But, conveniently, NO!  Epperley instead wants Blair to WORK at the shoot. 

“You have GOT to be kidding me?”

It’s a real testament to how much Blair Waldorf has grown over the seasons, that, not only is the Queen B, NOT upset over her family not being featured in the book, she is also TOTALLY willing to help Epperley with the event.  Soon after this phone conversation takes place, we learn that “hiring” Blair was not Epperley’s idea at all, but CHUCK’S!

“Game on, BITCHES!”

That’s right, boy and girls!  After having had his head lodged firmly up his ass, for the past five episodes, during that whole Raina Thorpe / Bass Industries nonsense, Chuck Bass has FINALLY remembered what (or, perhaps, I should say WHO) is important in his life.  And, now, he will stop at NOTHING to get what he wants . . .

“Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it, until she’s feeling powerful again,” Chuck tells Epperley over the phone.

Chuck spends most of the early part of the episode calling various cast members to inquire after Blair.  “What has she been up to, while I was chasing a poorly written storyline Raina?  Has she been seeing anyone?”  He wonders. 

Watching these first scenes, I, of course, was THRILLED that Chuck was, once again, making a much-needed play for Blair’s heart (It’s about DAMN TIME!). 

Yet, already, I feared Chuck wasn’t going about things the right way.  Note to all you prospective suitors out there:  If you want to know what the girl of your dreams has been doing while you were “away,” and whether or not she still feelings for you, ASK HER!   Otherwise, there’s a good chance you won’t get the whole story.  Unfortunately, Chuck’s inability to get the “whole story” was what ultimately foiled his chances at long-lasting romance, this week.

“DOH!”

Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Dan and Mini van der Woodsen are wearing matching Farmer Flannel Shirts . . .

Weird . . .

With Nate over at the Bass Penthouse boning Raina, Poor Lonely Boy is lacking a dumping ground for his Girl Problems.  The sensitive (and currently storyline free) Mini VDW seems like a solid choice for the job of Dan’s Shrink of the Week.  “I kissed Blair,” Dan confesses, causing Eric (an obvious Chair fan) to double over in hysterical laughter.

Though Dan claims the kiss meant nothing, he does seem more than a bit curious as to how Blair felt about it, since she supposedly said NOT ONE WORD, after it occurred.  (Not a good sign Dan . . . NOT a good sign.)  Eric of course, sees right through his stepbrother’s false bravado.  “Omigod,” he exclaims, “You are ASS BACKWARDS crushing on Blair!”

Well, duh!  Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show?”

Meanwhile, back at Lily’s place . . .

 You Stay Classy, van der Woodsens!

Meet Lily van der Woodsen, and two of her FIVE husbands.  Eat your heart out, Big Love!

While, the Waldorfs may not be “”sophisticated” enough to be included in the “Modern Royalty” book, Soon-to-be Convict Lily and Slutty Serena sure ARE!  However, since it is technically the “Rhodes” family, and not the van der Woodsens’ who will be featured in the book, this gives Lily’s Evil Mother Cece an excuse to invite Lily’s estranged older sister, Carol, to be included in the picture.  Though Carol seemingly wants NOTHING to do with Lily’s hoity toity Manhattan lifestyle, she, apparently, isn’t disgusted enough by it, to give up the opportunity to have her picture featured in a book celebrating the most Most Obnoxiously Wealthy Families in America.

“What do you say we have a Botox Party to celebrate?  For old time’s sake?”

Blatant hypocrisy aside, Sister Carol won me over immediately, due largely to her unparalleled ability to rip Lily’s upper crust lifestyle to shreds, in a manner that was both extremely effective and undoubtedly hilarious.  Ways in which Carol verbally slayed Lily included: (1) referring to Dr. VDW and Rugus as husbands numbered 1 and 5, respectively; (2) talking to Serena about her mother’s Brazilian wax jobs; (3) coming up with increasingly creative ways to “subtly” make reference to Lily’s impending jail time; and (4) suggesting that the theme for the family picture be Chicago, a broadway show, which also stars a hardened female criminal.

So, why would the “Modern Royalty” book want a dysfunctional family like Lily’s featured within its pages?  Actually .  . . they don’t.  The book publishers call to cancel the photo shoot, shortly after Carol enters the building.  Feeling sympathetic to a heartbroken Lily, Dr. VDW promises her that he will “work on it.”

Good Luck, Charlie!

Oh, look!  Another seemingly innocent blonde, who’s about to become corrupted by the UES lifestyle, and will eventually go batsh*t crazy, and try to ruin Serena’s life, as a result.  Because we’ve never seen THAT before, right?

Downstairs, in the lobby of the high rise where she lives, Serena is accosted by a young woman who looks SO much like her, they could be related.  “My family is not talking to the press,” asserts Serena haughtily, who’s self-absorbed arrogance convinces her that everyone in the world is a reporter, who’s life’s purpose is to interview HER.

As it turns out, “Charlie” is NOT a reporter!  And she IS related to Serena.  In fact, she’s Carol Rhodes’ daughter, which makes her Serena’s cousin.  Curious about the EEEEVVVIL branch of her family that her mother never allowed her to meet, Charlie decided to secretly follow her mother to New York City, and find out about the van der Woodsen’s for herself.  So, Serena decides to bond with her long-lost relative the only way she knows how having sex with her: They go SHOPPING!

Though not as deliciously nasty as Carol, the socially awkward Charlie also endeared herself to me, with HER characterization of the van der Woodsen family!  When asked by Serena, why her mother thought the VDW’s were “toxic,” Charlie replied, “Both you and your brother spent time in a mental institution.  Your dad gave your mom Fake Cancer.  And your mom sent some teacher to prison, just so you could get into a fance boarding school.”

You forgot the part where my mother and I slept our way through every eligible (and some not-so-eligible) bachelors in the tri-state area!”

Meanwhile, Lily and Carol are, back at the house, strolling down memory lane as they flip through pictures of the failed pilot episode starring these two as teens them, from when they were growing up together, back in the 80’s.

This segways into a random discussion about a childhood dance routine (which Lily and Carol actually PERFORM for the camera . . . and it looks a little something like this) . . .

 . . . and .  . . get this . . . the Gold Unitards they wore during it.  Suddenly, Lily and Carol are ready to Spend Obscene Amounts of Money on Things They Don’t Need too . . . like Gold Unitards, which NO ONE over the age of FIVE should wear . . . trust me!  Of course, while shopping, Lily and Carol run into Serena and Charlie . . .

AWK-WARD!

Carol immediately begins scolding Charlie, in public, rambling on about how she doesn’t want HER daughter tainted by this Terrible Horrible Filthy Rich lifestyle to which the rest of the “Rhodes” family is already accustomed.  She then forces Charlie to return all the FABULOUS clothes she purchased (not to mention the priceless “family heirloom” Serena gave her) and head back to their spaceship HOUSE BOAT in Miami, ASAP.

But just when it seems like all hope of a family reunion is lost, Serena overhears CeCe remind her daughter Carol that SHE too has been receiving checks from Grandma Cruella Deville. for YEARS!  Serena tells Charlie this, which quickly prompts the young woman’s rebellion / decision to stay on the Upper East Side for a little while to cause more trouble for the Gossip Girl cast, like all recurring guest stars inevitably do“get to know her family.”

“Toto, I don’t think we are on the House Boat, anymore!”

Experiencing guilt over being such a hypocritical BIATCH to  her own baby sister, Carol ultimately agrees to let Charlie stay with the VDW’s.  (She even promises to visit Lily, while she’s in jail and smuggle her in pot brownies.   I KNEW I liked this chick, for a reason!) 

Of course, this is not before Carol ominously refers to some “event” that resulted in Charlie having to leave college, and warns her sister, Lily, to “watch out for [Charlie].”  Later, we see Carol leering at Charlie, as she flirts with Dan Humphrey, for the first time.  UH OH!  I think we all know where THIS is going . . .

“I REFUSE to be ignored, Lonely Boy!”

Oh, and just in case you actually cared, the van der Woodsen / Rhodes ultimately got to take their picture for the Modern Royalty book.  Dan was in the photograph, but Raccoon Zombie Jenny wasn’t, or Chuck, for that matter.  How RUDE! 

Hey!  Where are the Gold Unitards I was promised?

Speaking of family affairs you don’t really give two craps about, Nate Archibald is going to help Raina go on a mission to find her long lost mother, who, as we know, is (unbeknownst to Raina) burnt to a crisp, and dead as a doornail. 

 I hope they bring a shovel!

Finally, in the story you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Chuck wins back Blair . . . and loses her . . . again . . . in a matter of minutes

DAN:  “Are you here to fight for Blair’s honor?”

CHUCK:  “Nah, I just need to use your bathroom.  I have to piss like a racehorse!”

No one’s secrets are safe on Gossip Girl.  And when Blair admits to Epperley that she has experienced a “kiss that profoundly changed her,” Epperley immediately texts that information to Chuck.  So, of course, Chuck heads out, to find out who owns the “life changing lips” in question.  He visits Humphrey first.  And, within, minutes, the latter is just rambling on and on (and on . . . and on) about how WONDERFUL Blair is.  Chuck puts two and two together, and figures out that Dan Humphrey’s lips are the “Evil Culprits.”

“Yes, he can kiss you.   But the question is, can he give you HOT LIMO SEX?”

Determined to show up the competition, Chuck gets Epperley to invite Dan to the “Modern Royalty” photo shoot, under the guise of his being featured in the “up-and-comer” section.  Poor Misguided Humpty Dumpty immediately assumes that it was Blair that got him included in the book.  So, of course, he is thrilled at the prospect of her returning his affections. 

“She likes me!  She REALLY likes me!”

However, upon arriving at the shoot, Humphrey learns from Blair, herself, that this is NOT the case.

“DOH!”

In fact . . . get this . .  . Dan’s kiss was ONLY life-changing, in the sense that it made Blair realize that she NEVER WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN!  (Ouch!)  In fact, the only man she EVER wants to swap saliva with, for the rest of eternity, is . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK BASS!

But then, OF COURSE, Chuck, being CHUCK, has to go SCREW EVERYTHING UP, by confronting Blair with his extremely snobbish, and arrogant, scheme to show her that “Humdrum Humphrey” is not part of “their world.”   

(Dammit CHUCK!  You were SO CLOSE!  Why did you have to go and a be a . . . word that rhymes with your name, and starts with “F?” )

“Dan Humphrey may not be royalty, but at least he’s not a child,” argues Blair, before stomping off.

In an attempt to right his wrongs, Chuck later brings Blair into his dressing room and screws her brains out, like only he can shows her the original Princess Diana dress he bought for her (sweet . . . yet . . . at the same time . . . slightly morbid?).  You see, Chuck wants Blair to be in his photo for the “Modern Royalty” shoot, because SHE is his family . . .

All together now . . . “Awwwwwww!”

“We can build our futures together,” says Chuck.

“That’s funny.  Because, this morning, I came to same conclusion.  I was ready to be with you.  I thought you changed, but I can see you are not ready,” says Blair sadly.

She then exits stage left, leaving Chuck and his beautiful dress, all by themselves, thereby forcing the Big Bass to pose solo for the loneliest family portrait EVER!

Man, these characters can be SO frustrating sometimes!

Later, Blair confronts Dan, to apologize for the dirty trick Chuck played on him, and for telling Chuck that their kiss meant absolutely nothing, RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAN!  TO Dan’s credit, he takes rejection REALLY well. (I mean, given his history on this show, he’s GOTTA be used to this by now . . .) 

Heck, Dan was just happy Blair compared kissing him to kissing a DOG instead of a TOAD . . . (Talk about setting low standards for yourself!)

“Woof!”

But wait!  SOMEONE was listening in on Blair’s and Dan’s private conversation!  Golly gee, I wonder who it could BE?

SURPRISE!  It’s MAN-NESSA, the Psycho Stalker who Lives to Snoop, and who just so happened to be present at the photo shoot, as part of her NefariousPlan to Continually Cock Block Every Male on this Show! internship.

GG fans, I’m seriously thinking of starting a campaign to get this character hit by a BUS?  Anybody with me?

But it’s not bad enough that Man-nessa eavesdrops on Dan’s and Blair’s conversation.  SHE then decides, despite the fact that both members of the lip-locking party explicitly tell eachother that the kiss they shared meant nothing, to CALL SERENA and rat them out to HER!!!!

I’m serious about the whole Hit by a Bus Thing, by the way .  . . Or, maybe Chuck can throw her off the Empire State Building!  That would be pretty cool, right? 

The inability of Man-nessa to stay out of my favorite characters’ lives for any extended period of time, even though NOBODY LIKES HER ON THE SHOW, is doing something strange to me . . . it’s actually making me MISS THE RACCOON ZOMBIE!

Oh, the horror!

At the end of the episode, Dorota tucks a very distraught Blair back into bed.  “Why does love have to be so hard, Dorota?”  Blair whines.  “All I ever wanted was a simple fairytale. Kate Middleton has it!  And I have much shinier hair than she does! Although, she does have a better assortment of hats . . .”

True . . . on all counts.

To this, the wise Dorota replies, “Destiny is full of surprises.”

And then, in a not-so-big-surprise at least if you read the spoilers, like I do, Prince Louis emerges from his limosine, outside Blair’s home, carrying the shoe she left him in Paris, in true Cinderella fashion . . .

It looks like the race for Blair Waldorf’s heart, just gained another runner!  Better lace up those sneakers, Bass and Humphrey, because it looks like this one’s going to be a MARATHON.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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This Used to Be a Funhouse (But Now it’s Filled with Evil Clowns) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Monsters in the End”

Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?

(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink.  To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here.  But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned.  There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)

Hey there, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying!  No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 . . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!

So, are you ready to relive the fear?  Let’s get on with the recap . . .

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me.  (And I Have No Privacy.)”

The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney.  Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.”  And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!).  But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . .  BIG TIME!)

Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts.  Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games.  Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb. 

The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them.  (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?)  Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!).  However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers  . . .

“Got a secret?  Can you keep it (in your pants)?”

As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window.  She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched.  Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .

As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .

Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .

I have a question for you ladies out there.  When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?”  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook.  Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week.  Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week. 

So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.”  What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .

OK.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION??  Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire?  She looks insane!

And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge.  (I guess ignorance runs in that family.)  Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .

“Ohhhh no!  You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch!  Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”

This, of course, brings me back to my main story.  Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school.  While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop.   And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .

Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA?  (Maybe SHE’S A!)

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day!  And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!

Oh Fitzy!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!

“What was his status update?  Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?”  Spencer snarks.

Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).

Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”

And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .

But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it.  So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .

Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department.  Was I the only one?  According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago.  He proposed to her in Italy.  She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.”  And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page. 

Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do:  rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating?  I mean, seriously!  What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”

Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his mid-life crisis future.  And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .

Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.”  (Just imagine the paper cuts!)

Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later).   The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .

Oh Fitzy!  You have some ‘splaining to do  . . . AGAIN!

In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY?  You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night.  Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz!  Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!

Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Caleb!  (For good?)

As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna.  To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done.  Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.”  (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)

Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key”  that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered.  “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.

“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.

Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother.  You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!) 

In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna.  But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb.  And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival”  to say goodbye to Hanna in person.  (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars?  Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?) 

“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!”  Mama Marin instructs.

So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into .  . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!

Can they just MURDER this chick, already?  Seriously!  Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .

Because Hanna won’t talk to him again and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf.  So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter.  Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .

She then pours her soda all over it.  Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter.  Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being.  Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese.  So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE.  And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .

Seriously!  Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?

When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change.  So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye.  And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna.  (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)

Sorry Hanna!  It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again  . . .

Source

(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF!  RANDOM!)

Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .

Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .

This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . .  and that’s just tonight!

Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet.  This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends.  A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together  . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS! 

When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore .  . .

Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .

They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors.  Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.”  When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .

The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival .  (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR!  Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.) 

At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season.  And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.

As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago.  This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected.  But, then, why would Melissa cover for him?  Verrrrry interesting!

Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever!  But Spencer goes anyway.  And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .

If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.

Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?

The question is:  Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?”  She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .

Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark.  In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true!  (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)

Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously.  But no one seems to hear her.  Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her.  And then she sees THIS . . .

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND!  HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”

So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO?  HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse?  WTF?

Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene.  He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way.  And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place.  But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt.  Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂

After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion.  Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit!  And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .

Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian!  Be VERY JEALOUS!

It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!

Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .

I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS!  He’s on TWITTER!  And FACEBOOK!  And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE

Life is GOOD AGAIN!

OK .  .  . back to the show . . .

Paige . . . You’re FIRED!

Silly Paige!  Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?

Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week.  Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.”  Once again, she contemplated “coming out.”  This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop,  so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad.  Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.”  Emily agreed.  But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!

When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS.  But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place.  Deciding that Paige has awful hair!  is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.

Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige.  She then gets another one from “A,”  informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep.  I SMELL A FLASHBACK!

It’s now a year prior.  Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires.  Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift.  “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali.  “It’s more valuable than it looks.”

Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe.  And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM.  Something is inside.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!

Score!

Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker.  So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there.  Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment.  But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . .  (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)

Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic.  (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!)  Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS?  First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)

“Ughhh!  She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”

Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops.  On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .

The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker.  This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)

Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense.  It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark.  What more could a PLL fan ask for?  (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Hard-Hearted Hanna – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Someone to Watch Over Me”

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Enough with all the friggin arts and crafts, “A”?  What’s next?  A Pretty Little Liars Diorama that you explode in your microwave at the end of the episode?

This week, on the penultimate episode of Pretty Little Liars, we got even MORE evidence that “A” hates Hanna and Spencer WAY more than she (or he) hates Emily and Aria.  I mean, let’s face it, aside from a bit of unfounded jealousy, Emily had a fairly stress-free episode, one that ended with her getting some serious nookie.  And as for Aria .  . . well . . . any problems SHE experienced this week arose from her own idiocy (SERIOUSLY!), and the douchebaggery of her dad and little brother, respectively.  But Hanna and Spencer?  Their lives are kind of sucking ASS right now, aren’t they?

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

A+B = Spencer is SERIOUSLY SCREWED!

Kudos to the set designer for making Spencer’s room EXACTLY as we would expect it to be — sparsely decorated, obnoxiously spotless, and filled with every single solitary room organizing tool EVER sold on the Home Shopping Network . . .

Not so kudos to the WARDROBE department, for dressing Spencer in my favorite sweater from when I was 8-years old . . .

When the episode begins, Spencer and Emily have just arrived home from school.  Spencer is bitching about how her distractions at home are starting to impact her ability to understand Algebra.  How can possibly she figure out the value for “X”, when she has suddenly become the “X” factor in her own life? 

It’s a true dilemma!

Now, maybe I’m being nitpicky, but two things surprised me about this scene: (1) The Academically Elite Spencer is taking Algebra her junior year.  (Shouldn’t she be in Pre-Calculus or Advanced Placement Geometry, or some other class for mathletes, like herself?) (2) Spencer and Emily are in the same math class.  (Don’t get me wrong.  Emily seems like a total sweetheart.  And she may even have more common sense than some of the other Pretty Little Liars *cough Aria cough.*  But Little Miss Future Olympic Swimmer just never quite struck me as the academic overachieving type.)

Anyway . .  .  Spencer’s mom rushes downstairs to warn Spencer that the police obtained a warrant to search the Hastings home, and, specifically, Spencer’s room, for evidence linking her to Alison’s death.  Spencer, understandably horrified and frightened, asks her attorney mother to make the police leave.  Unfortunately, the warrant gives the police a right to be there.  So, Spencer’s mom’s hands are tied. 

As the police are searching Spencer’s room, Creepy Pedo Ian (who never seems to leave the house, forever lingering, like the smell of mildew on an overused sponge) further expemplifies his creepiness and pedophilia, by smirking at Spencer’s bed, and slowly / seductively drinking MILK from a glass . . .

Milk . . . it does a body creepy . . .

For Heaven Sakes Aria, THINK before you TEXT!

“Uh oh!  It looks like I accidentally deleted “My Brain” from my “Contacts” list.  I guess I’ll just have to make do without it, this week!”

So, Aria’s parents have been sneaking around, not wanting to tell their kids their back together, until they can be sure their renewed courtship is “REAL.” Zzzzzzzzzzz . . .  And I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

NEWSFLASH PLL Writers:  We don’t care about THESE TWO as a couple!  NOBODY ships Ella and Byron!  NOBODY!  So, stopping rubbing this storyline in our faces, PLEASE!

Since Aria already CAUGHT her parents macking in the library (ICK!), and her little brother seems to have also caught them in the act this morning, Montgomery Ma and Pa decide that the family should get together for dinner later that week to “discuss things.”

But lest you think this storyline won’t be funny at all, THIS happens . . .

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In case you didn’t catch that, here’s what Aria wrote:  “Thinking of your eyes.  How I want to be looking into them right now.  This second.  XO Aria.”  — AKA The LAMEST SEXT EVER!

And then THIS happens . . .

BUSTED!

OK . . . so we know that Aria was sending a text to her FITZY (who was noticeably absent this week), and sent it to her MOM instead.   Now, here’s what I don’t understand.   Personally, my mother is listed in MY cell phone Contacts Lists as “Mom.”  But I can understand how some folks cooler than myself (and Aria’s definitely cooler than I am) would put their Mom in their Contacts List under her first name. 

And, if Aria did this, then, YES, “Ella” would be close to “Ezra” on her list.  These names would probably even be next to one another on MOST people’s cell phones.  But NOT on ARIA’S phone . . . because she has “EMILY” as a contact.  DUH!

“What am I?  Chopped LIVER?”

So, it’s kind of hard for me to believe that Aria “accidentally” skipped over TWO names to send a text to the VERY wrong person.  I mean, it’s not like she was drunk or anything . . .   Or was she? 😉

Careful, Aria!  Drink more of that, and you may text us all of your secrets!

At the end of the day, Aria’s mom confronts Aria about the Phantom Text.  But Aria refuses to confess the textee’s identity, wryly noting that family members should be entitled to their privacy. like, for example, the ability to privately bone your husband in a school library.  Aria’s mom reluctantly accepts her daughter’s wishes, which makes her seem about ten times cooler, in my book., than she ever did before.

But then EEEEVVVVIL hypocrite Papa Montgomerycomes along. 

When he hears that Aria has a secret boyfriend, he ABSOLUTELY thinks he has a right to know that person’s identity so that he can try to score a date with the guy, himself.  To make matters even douchier, while Aria is out of the house, her dad starts snooping around her room for clues.  He ALMOST comes upon a book that Ezra personally inscribed for Aria, when Aria’s mom stops him.  (Wow, I’m really liking her this week.  Weird!)

Taking a lesson in sarcasm, and passive aggressiveness, from her daughter, Aria’s mom casually notes that maybe her daughter wouldn’t think it necessary to keep secrets from her family, were it not for her own father secretly whoring around with one of his students.  Aria’s dad, of course, is TOTALLY offended by this, and refuses to admit to his own wrong doing.  Aria’s little brother then walks in on the pair fighting, and, COMPLETELY blames Aria for it.  Because, apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Douchey Tree .  . .

“Douchey is as douchey does, sir.”

Aria’s brother wants Aria to singlehandedly fix their parents’ marriage, since her having a secret boyfriend is OBVIOUSLY the reason it’s broken, and not the whole “Dad’s a Cheating Deadbeat” thing.  But, before Aria can make up a fake boyfriend to tell her parents about, she and her brother head down to Family Dinner, to find out that their Mom is a no show . . . again. 

Way to suck up your pride, and put on a brave face for your kids, ARIA’S MOM!  I guess I spoke too soon when I said I like you . . . On the other hand, you can do WAYYYYY better than Aria’s Asshat of a DAD . . . So, I’m kind of torn . . .

Knowing that she has to STOP being such a MORON when it comes to appropriately hiding her inappropriate relationship with her teacher, Aria decides to hide all her Fitzy Memorabilia (Fitzyabilia?) with Emily for safe keeping . . .  The ironic thing, of course, is that MOST of the stuff she gives to Emily, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would trace to Fitzy.  Case in point, THIS . . .

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Really Aria?   A PLASTIC SPOON from your first date?  What exactly do you think your parents are going to do with THAT?  Swab it for DNA?

Now, for all you Ian Harding fans out there who found yourself missing your Fitzy Fix this week, I’ve got a little surprise for you . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  Apparently, Fitzy tweets now!  And you can catch all his Fitz-alicious goodness right here: http://twitter.com/IANMHARDING

(So, don’t say I never gave you anything, Fitzy fans!)

Falling Out of the Closet

In completely unrelated news (actually, all four stories were, pretty much, unrelated to one another, this week), Emily spied Back-to Bad-Haircut Paige flirting with Dull as Dishwater Sean . . .

And Emily was MAJORLY JEALOUS, even though (1) Paige is SO OBVIOUSLY gay; and (2) even if Paige was straight, she’d never, go for a lame-o like Sean!  (Sure, Hanna did it once, but only because she was feeling chubby and insecure, at the time.)

Later, Sean asks Emily if Paige is single, and if she could put in a good word for him.  He did this, despite the fact, that as one of Hanna’s besties (and someone who watches PLL), Emily should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO “good words” to say about Sean . . .

But because Emily is a much nicer person than I am, she simply tells Seany-poo that her and Paige aren’t really friends.  So, she’s not really in the position to help Sean get laid by her.  SORRY!

But because they ARE actually friends (with benefits), Emily warns Paige that she thinks Sean is going to ask her out.  So, Paige should come up with a good excuse as to why she can’t date him NOW, and let him down easy.

The problem is that Sean already ASKED out Paige . . . and she  . . . wait for it . . . said YES!

Needless to say, Emily is pretty depressed about this news . . .

“I am pretty depressed about this news.”

That is . . . until Paige comes right to Emily’s house, fresh from her “date,” all tarted-up and ready for a Booty Call . . .

I get why she wore THIS to the karaoke bar, but why Paige wore a super sparkly stripper dress on a Group Date to the Movies is beyond me . . . Wardrobe Department FAIL!

Surprise, surprise!  Paige doesn’t like Sean.   (NO ONE DOES!)  In fact, the sheer awfulness of macking with that lame-o, has the impact of THROWING PAIGE RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET!  (Who says, a kiss is just a kiss?  Right!)

And I have to say, I really feel for Paige, as she contemplates the prospect of coming out with Emily.  Her eyes tear up.  Her lip quivers.  She is clearly terrified.  The actress, Lindsay Shaw, portrays Paige’s heart-wrenching range of emotions beautifully; I must say.  It’s not HER fault she has a bad stylist . . .

 “If I say it out loud, my whole world will change,” Paige explains sadly.

I love how patient and sensitive Emily is with Paige, when a lesser person, would probably be tossing out smug “I told you so’s” left and right. in her situation.  “I didn’t come out of the closet.  I fell out on my face,” Emily explains adorably.

Then, Emily tells her Next Fling, that, back when she was trying to be straight, she always went for guys just like Paige . . .  Domestic Abusers?  Gay Folks in Search of Beards to hide their true identity?  Swimmers with Bad Haircuts? folks who would “pull her on stage” and make her do things that scared her.  (Yeah . . . that still doesn’t explain Wife Beater Ben . . .)

Then the pair sit together on Emily’s little window seat, hold hands, and kiss . . .

And I must admit that these two are starting to grow on me.  But I still want Paige to get a haircut . . . and a stylist . . .

Don’t MESS with Hanna Marin!

Back at the Marin home, Hanna and Caleb are making breakfast AGAIN, and flirting AGAIN, just like any good couple, who just had sex for the first time, would be.  Then Caleb leaves for a moment.  So, Hanna takes the opportunity to go digging in his bag for condoms goodies.  

What she finds is the UGLIEST, MOST TACKY, owl necklace I have EVER SEEN!

And yet, Hanna is completely BLIND to the hideousness of this owl, as she is convinced that it is a Secret Gift from Caleb to her.  After all, they did see OWLS on the night they screwed!

So, she snaps a picture of it, and brags to her friends about the awful  generous gift her boyfriend is about to give her. 

But all is not well in Haleb land.  We learn this, when Aria and Emily overhear Caleb talking on the phone with a woman who APPEARS to be his ex-girlfriend, who is stalking him.  He keeps telling the girl on the phone that he “can’t do this anymore,” because he is living at “her” (Hanna’s) house.

“Peekaboo!  We see you!”

Being the good pals that they are, Emily and Aria immediately confront Hanna about what they learned.  Hanna gets VERY defensive.  Caleb can’t be a liar!  Because Hanna would NEVER have sex with a liar . . . would she?  As if on cue, Blind Jenna arrives wearing around her neck . . . you guessed it  . . . that UGLY ASS OWL NECKLACE . . .

Now it’s Super Sleuthing Spencer’s turn to STALK!  She follows Blind Jenna outside, and sees her using the Ugly Owl Necklace as a Flashdrive . . .

So, basically, Caleb gave the Ugly Owl Necklace to Blind Jenna, NOT because he’s boning her, and NOT because he has terrible taste, but because he’s feeding her information . . .

When Hanna hears this, she astutely recalls how Toby heard Jenna talking on the phone about the number 214, and tries that combination on Caleb’s locker . . .

Let’s ignore the fact that the picture shows Hanna stopping at number “5” instead of  “4”

Surprise!  Surprise!  Caleb’s locker OPENS!

Inside ,she finds . . . wads and wads of CASH . . . just hanging out . . . waiting to be discovered . . . or stolen.  (COME ON, CALEB!  We know you’re POOR, but I seriously doubt you don’t own an envelope, in which to stash your dirty money.  I’m sure the school has plenty in the main office, for you to steal.)

At home, Hanna confronts Caleb about what she learned . . .

Caleb reluctantly admits to “spying” on Hanna (So, THAT’s what the kids are calling it these days . . .  “spying”) for cash from Blind Jenna.  Her Blindness apparently, not only bribed Caleb, but blackmailed him as well, after finding out how he rigged Emily’s phone, so that she could get illegal calls into Maya at De-Gaying Camp.  Screwing for money . . . that makes you a whore, Caleb . . .

But Caleb insists that his feelings for Hanna are real.  And that he stopped working for Jenna the minute his hot dog went inside Hanna’s bun.  All the information he gave Jenna on that flash drive was false. 

Unfortunately for Caleb, Hanna doesn’t give two sh*ts.  She hands the Dirty Dog his bags, and kicks him out into the street.  Harsh!  Hope you like that park bench, Caleb!  Because something tells me that you might be living there for awhile!

Back at school, the PLL’s are admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror.  (Is it just me, or do all these girls spend a TON of time in bathrooms, and in front of mirrors?).  Then, they hear a familiar noise . . . it sounds like thunder clapping in the night.  It sounds like the End of the World.  It is . . . Blind Jenna’s CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 

Thinking fast, Hanna traps Blind Jenna right in front of . . . you guessed it . . . the bathroom mirror.  (Again . . .why are you always LOOKING at yourself in the mirror, Blind Jenna?)

Sensing someone behind her, Blind Jenna tenses up, and slowly turns around.  Then THIS happens . . .

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My sentiments exactly . . .

Then, Hanna, reminding us of the Mean Girl she was for the first three or four episodes of this show, cooly hands Blind Jenna back her glasses, and tells her, without emotion, “It’s Hanna . . . in case you couldn’t guess.”

Well, that’s gotta suck . . .

At home, in the comfort of her bathroom (Where else?), Hanna begins to mull over her lost first love, and lost diginity.  She then finally breaks down in tears.  From outside the door, Hanna’s mom listens to her daughter sobbing.  She wants desperately to soothe her pain.  Yet, she doesn’t know how . . .

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The final scene of the episode features “A” LITERALLY smashing Hanna’s glass heart to bits, and mailing it back to her, along with some glue.  Next time, try for a metaphor that’s a bit less obvious, A!

The Walls Close in on Spencer . . .

As I mentioned earlier, Hanna is not the only miserable Pretty Little Liar this week.  Poor Spencer has a police investigation looming over her head.  Fortunately, she’s made a new “friend” who knows EXACTLY what she’s going through.  Of course, I’m referring to the Character Formerly Referred to as Creepy Toby, Now Abs Toby.

When Toby comes over to visit, he warns Spencer that cops are staking out her house.  She replies, by telling him that he probably shouldn’t be seen with her, now that’s she’s, like, wanted for murder . . . and stuff.  But Abs Toby is not that easily deterred . .  . “People cross the street when they see me coming.  They think you tried to frame your brother-in-law for your friends’ murder.  Who else are we going to hang out with?”   Abs Toby inquires, quite rationally, I think.

A real pro at being watched by the cops, Toby cleverly instructs Spencer to go outside, and offer the Stake Out Crew cups of coffee, in order to show them that  (1) she knows they are there; and (2) she is not afraid of them.  Seeing as this was probably the SAME Stake Out Crew that used to hang out outside Toby’s house, I’d say these guys are starting to consider Free Coffee a regular job perk.  Of course, they’d all probably much prefer staking out Hanna’s house.  Because there, Hanna’s mom shows them that “she knows they are there, and “is not afraid of them”, by giving them Free Sex . . .

And sex ALWAYS beats coffee . . .

Anyway . . . Spencer and Abs Toby share a sweet moment, in which Spencer asks Toby about the time she saw him sitting in an alley, after he ran away from home . . .

Apparently, running away is kind of a regular occurrence for Abs Toby.  As for Spencer, she only away once, back when she was little.  Her and her sister had been in a fight, and her parents took her sister’s side, as per usual.  So, Spencer made a tuna sandwich, and escaped to the movies.  (Resourceful little girl, that one!  Sure beats hanging out in a dirty alleyway!)  But then, she got lonely, and went home.  Her self-absorbed family never even REALIZED their little girl was gone!  (Family FAIL!)

Abs Toby looks at Spencer with obvious adoration and sympathy, and, grabbing her hand, makes her promise him that, if she ever wants to run away again, she will call him first.  All together now . . . “AWWWWWWWWWW!”

By the way, speaking of Spencer’s absentee fam, how come nobody seems to notice that Melissa keeps randomly disappearing for episodes at a time, while Creepy Pedo Ian just sticks around, like the fungus he cleary is!  My theory:  Creepy Pedo Ian killed Melissa, chopped her up into itty pieces, put them in a blender, then drank them up . . . like a milkshake . . .

“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”

As for Creepy Pedo Ian, he’s looking extra special spooky, as he waits in the dark for Spencer to emerge from her late night run. 

Apparently, Creepy Pedo Ian wants to help Spencer run away from home (Am I noticing a THEME here?), so that he can grow his hair long, assume Spencer’s identity, and kill all her friends, while dressed as her the cops can’t arrest her. 

“I can’t BELIEVE I thought you were cute in Final Destination 3!”

Spencer knows that this will make her look SUPER guilty, which, obviously, is exacty what Creepy Pedo Ian wants.  So, she tells him to stick his runaway plan . . . and his milk . . . where the sun don’t shine.

But just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Spencer’s mom wakes her up in the middle of the night, and tells her that the police found fibers of Toby’s Puke Green Sweater / Alison’s Death Outfit on that cheapo name bracelet Alison gave Spencer gave Spencer, before she died.  “I think someone is going through a great deal of trouble to make you look guilty,” Spencer’s mom, never one to sugar coat things, admits.

Mother and daughter then share a tearful and heartbreaking  hug, as the curtain closes on this, the penultimate episode, of Pretty Little Liars . . . 

See you after the finale!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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