True Blood Dream Casting – Amelia Broadway (May Contain Slight Spoilers)

A few days back, I put on my amateur casting director’s hat, and offered some suggestions to Alan Ball, should he ever decide to translate the character of J.B. DuRone from Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books to their companion television series, True Blood.  Seeing as I had so much fun doing that, I’ve decided to try my hand at casting another popular character from the book series, namely, Amelia Broadway.

Introduced in the sixth book of the series, Definitely Dead . . .

. . .  Amelia eventually becomes intimately linked with many of the series’ already established characters.  When we first meet Amelia, she is living in New Orleans . . .

 . . . where, for a time, she acted as landlady to Sookie’s cousin, and Queen Sophie Anne’s lover, Hadley . . .

In addition to being a landlady, Amelia also happens to be an aspiring witch . . .

 . . . but a GOOD one . . .

Unfortunately, Amelia’s “bewitching” skills are not quite up-to-par.  For example, there was this one time, when she wanted her boyfriend, Bob, to be more adventurous in the sack . . . so, she accidentally turned him into a cat . . .

In the books, Amelia is said to be around Sookie’s age (late 20’s).   The two become fast friends, especially after Amelia relocates to Bon Temps.  Single, spunky, fun, flirty and a little bit flighty, Amelia is certainly not the kind of gal who has any difficulty finding dates on a Friday night. 

Did I mention that she’s also bisexual?  Or that, in addition to her many male suitors, she also catches the eye of a certain female vampire, we all know and love?

Let’s cast this little witch, shall we?   Below are my top five choices, in no particular order.

1) Rachel Bilson

Age:  Turns 29 TODAY (August 25th)!  (Happy Birthday, Rachel!)

Where you’ve seen her: as the adorable Summer Roberts, in The O.C., as Cindy, in How I Met Your Mother, and as Millie, in the film, Jumper

Why she’d make a great Amelia: 

Rachel Bilson would really shine in a role like this!  As Summer on The O.C., Bilson played a character who, on the surface, was ditzy, shallow, and self-absorbed.  And yet, she gave the role a surprising amount of complexity, intelligence, and heart.  Thanks to the actress’ charm and talent, Summer, who started off the show as a two-dimensional “mean girl,” blossomed into the most charming and likeable female character on the entire series! 

Bilson also has the comedic chops to pull off Amelia’s less than stellar witchy moments, without making them seem too cheesy or slapstick.  Finally, in terms of age and temperment, I think she would be relatively believable, as a good friend of Anna Paquin’s Sookie.

2) Allison Munn

Age: 35 (but looks about 10 years younger!)

Where you’ve seen her: as Amanda Bynes sarcastic and slightly promiscuous friend, Tina, on What I Like About You, as Fez’s girlfriend, Caroline, on That 70’s Show, and as Lauren, on One Tree Hill

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Of all the actors on this list, Allison Munn bears the most resemblance the image I had in my head of Amelia, when I was reading the Sookie Stackhouse books.  In terms of physical appearance, she is almost a perfect match!  Like Rachel Bilson, Allison has proven herself to have the comic timing necessary for a role like this.  Plus, those of you who have ever watched What I Like About You would likely agree that there are A LOT of similarities between Amelia, and the role she played on that show, at least in terms of both characters’ personality traits.

3) Rachel McAdams

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as Regina George in Mean Girls, as Allie in The Notebook, as Claire in The Wedding Crashers, as Clare in The Time Traveler’s Wife . . . and the list just goes on . . .

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

I know!  I know!  There is VERY little chance that at this stage in her career, Rachel McAdams would have any interest in taking on a non-starring role in a television series.  But hey, I called this post “Dream Casting” for a reason, right? 

You know what’s so great about Rachel McAdams?  She has this flawless ability to literally transform herself for every role she plays.   (Not to mention the fact that she is the ONLY HUMAN ON THE PLANET who actually looks good as a blonde, brunette AND a redhead!). 

I remember seeing The Notebook, shortly after watching Mean Girls, and being absolutely shocked that the same actress played the lead (second lead?) in both.  But no matter WHO she’s playing, Rachel McAdams brings a certain likeability and relatability to her roles that is virtually unmatched in the industry.  This role would be no exception.

4) Monica Keena

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as mean girl, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek, as boy crazy Rachel on Undeclared, as “E’s” one-time girlfriend, Kristen, on Entourage, and as Lori Campbell in that pitiful Freddy vs. Jason movie

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

In my other three casting choices, I noted a few traits that made the aforementioned actresses particularly suited to play Amelia: comedic timing, charm, likeability, age appropriateness, and the right physical appearance.  Monica Keena has ALL of those things going for her.   But she also has something else:  sex appeal. 

Let’s face it, with the possible exception of Sookie (who, in my opinion, is WAY too monogamous, especially given all the FABULOUS male options she has available to her), Amelia probably gets laid more than any other female character in Charlaine Harris’ series.  She’s boy-crazy!  And GIRL crazy! 

Whoever plays Amelia must have what it takes to be a believable seductress for PAM!  Not very many women can pull that off.  I think Monica can . . .

5) Rose McGowan

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: as Neve Campbell’s DOOMED B.F.F., Tatum in Scream, as Dr. Teddy Rowe in Nip Tuck, as Cherry in the film, Grindhouse, and, perhaps, most importantly, as WITCH Paige Matthews in Charmed

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Talk about sex appeal!  Rose McGowan has it in spades!  She’s also proven herself to be a solid comedic actress  (that “doggy door” scene in Scream never fails to make me giggle), as well as a remarkably energetic and likeable one (as evident in the Charmed series). 

Sure, McGowan would be a more mature, and certainly edgier Amelia, than any of the other actresses I’ve suggested.  Then again, isn’t Kristen Bauer a more mature and edgier Pam than the one Charlaine Harris described in her books?  Speaking of Kristen Bauer, how utterly cool would it be to watch her and McGowan share scenes together?  I suspect their chemistry would be amazing!

So, there you have it  — my top five casting picks for Amelia Broadway.  Who would YOU choose?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Last 30 Seconds Was the Best Part! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

“Hey!  Watch where you’re putting those hands, Jason Di-Grabby Fingers!  Who do you think we are, Toby and Jenna?  I’ll be watching you.” – A

Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was unusually thinky and philosophical, wasn’t it?  In it, the girls discussed “deep” topics such as “immortality,” “aging,” and “leaving a legacy behind after death.”  I bet you didn’t realize you were watching such a SMART show, did you?

“These discussions are nice and all, but I was kind of hoping we’d get to discuss more important things:  like whether we like Fitzy’s new haircut!”

Yeah, see . . . here’s the thing.  Pretty Little Liars is not a show I watch for “deep thoughts.”  So, before I begin my recap, I have a little message for the writers.  In the future, less waxing poetic about the meaning of life, and MORE snarky messages from A / sex with inappropriately-aged men, OK?

Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Glad we got that straightened out.   On with the recap . . .

Life’s a beach, and then you die . . .

“Does this insanely large ego, make me look fat?”

When the episode opens, our four main characters are making final preparations for Ali’s Memorial Service, which is set to occur that weekend.  They roll out this big scary-looking wooden box . . . the kind that always carries a ferocious tiger, or massive gorilla, in the cartoons.  Unfortunately, this box doesn’t contain anything so exciting . . . just this . . .

When the green packing noodles are the most interesting thing inside your box, you know you’ve made a bad purchase.

Despite this “Memorial Fountain” being hideously ugly, the girls marvel over its “sheer awesomeness.”  Aria ruminates a bit about how, long after everyone has forgotten SHE existed, Ali will still be remembered as “the dead girl who had the lame fountain named after her.”  Aria’s trying to be respectful of her long lost pal, but we all know she secretly wishes a monument could be erected in her honor – one that, for centuries to come, will be considered “home” by countless cigarette butts, gobs of drooly backwash, and piles of bird sh&t.

Aria’s Memorial Fountain

“That’s immortality, my darlings,” coos Spencer, in this weird whispery voice that kind of creeps me out.  Suddenly, we are flashed back to the previous summer.  The girls are hanging out at the local pool, looking pretty . . . except for Hanna, who’s wearing a t-shirt over her bathing suit . . . because she’s supposed to be FAT!  Apparently t-shirt = Really Huge Heifer in Pretty Little Liar’s world.

“Don’t look at me!  I’m hideous!”

Ever the philosopher, Flashback Aria wishes out loud that you could pick an age you want, and stay there forever.  Riiiiiiight!  Because 15-year olds ALWAYS worry constantly about growing old and aging.  You know what age I wanted to be when I was 15?   21 . . . so I could drink legally, without having to worry about my fake ID getting confiscated, and someone ratting me out to my Mom.

Fortunately, Ali has a FABULOUS solution to Aria’s wrinkle and cellulite worries.  Death! 

Hooray!

“Die young.  Leave a beautiful corpse,” Ali instructs Aria, as she relishes the thought of dying a mysterious death at an early age.  (Be careful what you wish for!)  “That’s immortality, my darlings,” Ali concludes, echoing Spencer’s earlier words.

Hey, Ali!  You know who ELSE is really into perpetual youth and immortality?  Evil Bloodsucking Vampires . . .

OK . . . OK.  I’m pretty sure this show ISN’T going in that direction.  But, COME ON!  Wouldn’t that be a fabulous idea for a spinoff?

The girls are shaken out of their respective reveries by a reminder that they will be meeting with Ali’s long lost older brother, Jason, the following morning, to run through the Service itinerary.  The crew take some time out of their busy Memorial preparations to diss on Ali’s Big Bro, wondering out loud how an Ivy League school could have possibly admitted a student like Jason, who listened to “LOUD MUSIC” and “DRESSED LIKE AN EMO!”

NO!  Not ELMO!  EMO!

That’s better!

And yet, when the girls reunite with Jason the following day, they find out, much to their surprise, that he isn’t EMO at all!  Instead, Jason is a Poor Man’s Ryan Phillippe, circa Cruel Intentions.

Same pouty lips.  Same “I just sucked on a lemon” face.  Still pretty hot though . . .

Jason is also kind of a D-bag.  Immediately upon arrival, he gives the girls an obnoxiously fake smile, and thanks them for all their hard work.  He then proceeds to subtly crap on everything they’ve done, and completely take over.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Jason adds a name to the list of Memorial Service Speakers.  Bet you can’t guess who?

 

WORSE!  Guess again  .  . .

Nope! 

Give up?  It’s  BLIND JENNA AND HER CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 . . . which she’s mysteriously stopped using, since the pilot episode.  (NOW, how are we supposed to know when she’s coming?) 

The Return of Deputy Douchey

“I’m BAAACK!”

Apparently, Blind Jenna wasn’t the only one Jason contacted prior to returning to town.  He also got a hold of the one man on this show whose D-bag tendencies rival his own.  It’s Deputy Douchey!  Apparently, Jason is interested in re-opening the investigation into Alison’s murder, and is unhappy with the way the local PD has handled the matter, thus far.  So, of course, Deputy Douchey immediately starts nosing around Hanna again, who he CLEARY has some creepy crush on. 

Kudos to My New Favorite Character, Hanna, for calling Douchey out on his unethical (but strangely hot) shirtless behavior.  “Exactly what evidence were you planning to uncover wandering around my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel?”  She quips.

Funny, I think I once saw a porno that began with this exact same line . . .

All Aboard the Lanna Ship (a.k.a. Lucas and Hanna Together Forever)!

Awwww!  I SO heart them!

Speaking of Hanna, things just seem to keep going from bad to worse in her life.  When we first check in with her, she is complaining to her mother about the total embarrassment of having her credit card recently declined.  Hanna’s mother explains that the family has been experiencing financial difficulties.  “We’re a one paycheck family,”  she explains morosely.  “We can’t keep living a two paycheck life.”

By way of illustration, Hanna’s Mom opens the refrigerator, to show her just how bad things really are.  (Conveniently enough, if you want to see a “before” picture of Hanna’s Fridge, simply scroll up to Deputy Douchey’s picture, above!)

“Now, honey, I know, in the books, you are supposed to be ‘bullimic,’ but do you think you can switch to anorexic for a little while?  The ‘binge’ part of the ‘binge and purge’ cycle is just too pricey for us, right now.”

“Does this mean I have to go back to using the ‘Five Finger’ Discount, like I did in the Pilot Episode?”

But, guess what?  Despite the obvious stress she’s under, Hanna doesn’t go back to STEALING!

Why, you ask?  Because of THIS GUY!

While the Soon-To-Be Couple (Come on!  It is SO obvious!) are working together on formatting the School Yearbook, Lucas unwittingly suggests that Hanna sell some of her old (probably stolen, let’s be honest) designer things on eBay to make some extra cash.  Ever the helpful guy, Lucas is even willing to help her photograph the items and put them online.

Hanna makes a MINT!  And even though she happens to be with her Snoozy Current Boyfriend, Sean, when Lucas gives Hanna her earnings, the two clearly share a moment, during the monetary exchange.  (In yet another beach flashback, we see Ali making fun of Lucas and warning the Not-So-Hefty Hanna against hanging out with “losers.”  We can’t help but notice, that Hanna seemed partial to the Nerd Cutie, EVEN THEN!)

Ultimately, Hanna does the selfless thing, by using her eBay earnings, to buy groceries for her mother.  As if we couldn’t like this girl enough, already!

In Emily and Maya News . . .

Emily and Maya . . . . .  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Oops!  Sorry!  I must have dozed off for a second there!  Emily and Maya went out on a date.  They went to see what looked like a creepy old horror movie.  It was VERY romantic, so they started to make out during it.  Yeah . . . that’s about it. 

 Oh, and Emily’s Dad is coming home from the Armed Services, which is exciting, I guess . . . Except, I never knew he was gone in the first place . . .  I imagine they probably mentioned it before on the show.  Maybe I was sleeping . . .

Aria Has a New Guy?

OK.  PLL, now you’re starting to make me MAD!  First, you have Spencer COMPLETELY forget about Wren, and jump instantly into the arms of the Ball Boy . . .

“Hey, when you HAVE balls, you might as well USE them .  . .”

. . . NOW you’ve got this random Noel dude, with big Bushy Caterpillar eyebrows, honing in on Fitzy’s girl?  WTF?

“You better watch out, NOEL!  I’ve got white pasty stick legs!  And I’m not afraid to use them on your face!”

To Aria’s credit, she’s not NEARLY as ho-ish as Spencer, and at least hesitates a bit, before “moving on” to a new man. 

Tired of Aria’s newfound mopey ways, Hanna decides to set her up on a double date.  You see, Lame-O Sean got four concert tickets.   Two of them will go to him and Hanna, of course.  But Sean’s friend, Noel has dibs on the third one, and HE would really like to take Aria as his date.  Recalling that Aria used to crush on Furry-Browed Noel,  Hanna tries to convince her friend to go out with them.  Aria initially declines, but ultimately, decides to go.

The problem is that Aria is still SERIOUSLY depressed about her parent’s separation and Fitzy’s sudden departure.  So, during the date, she acts like someone just killed her best friend.  (Oh  . . . wait . . . someone DID!)  Noel pulls Aria aside to ask what’s wrong, and, to all of our surprises, she opens up to him about her “ex boyfriend in Iceland” (a.k.a. Fitzy White Legs).  Noel sees Aria’s misery, and figures it’s the PERFECT opportunity to ask her whether the two of them can starting making out.   (Smooth move, Douche!)

Aria declines . . . but isn’t nearly as turned off by the randomness of the request as she should be.  Damn those hot boys with Wild Overgrown Eyebrows!  They get away with EVERYTHING!

And then there was Spencer . . .

Sigh!

Spencer was the only Pretty Little Liar who didn’t get any loving this week.  Instead, she was pretty much abused, accused, and berated throughout the entire episode.  First, Jenna informs her that during the last few months of her life, Ali didn’t TRUST Spencer.  Ali apparently told Jenna this, while visiting her in the hospital. 

Spencer later learns from Brother Jason that Ali told him all about the Jenna Thing.  Except, instead of admitting HER part in setting off the fireworks that blinded Jenna, Ali told Jason that SPENCER was the mastermind behind it all!

Spencer is understandably hurt, and more than a little freaked out, by these revelations.  Why would Ali say these things about her?  Apparently, Spencer and Ali weren’t seeing eye-to-eye during those last few months before she disappeared.  If this information gets out, will SPENCER become a suspect in Ali’s murder? 

Possibly, but she won’t be the first.  It was also revealed this week that Creepy Toby called Ali on the night she disappeared, and SOMEONE (either Ali or someone with Ali’s phone in hand) TOOK THE CALL!

“What?  Did you think they would just STOP talking about me on the show, just because I disappeared?  Who do you think I am?  Wren?”

Before the Memorial Service, Spencer receives yet another cryptic message from A.  “The Memorial Service is tomorrow.  Do it right.  I’ll be watching, just like Tom Sawyer.”

OK, ENOUGH with the High School English Literary References, PLL.  First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, NOW The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.  We get it, Tom Sawyer attended his own funeral.  Ho, ho, ho.  So clever! 

Do you really expect me to believe that a girl as stuck up and shallow, as Ali would make this kind of reference in a threatening text message?  The Girl Who Never Met a Nerd She Couldn’t Abuse?  Even if she READ the book (unlikely), I highly doubt she’d admit to doing it.  Be reasonable, PLL Writers!

Remembering Ali

Here’s a scenario for you.  You have this “friend” who is total b&tch during her lifetime, but ends up dying this totally tragic, untimely death.

You have to give her eulogy.  What do you say?  Do you lie, and make up nice stuff about her, even though you know it’s not true.  Are you brutally honest, a la Jen Lindley eulogizing the sort of evil, but hilariously funny, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek?

I WISH I could find that eulogy on YouTube so that I could show it to you.  It remains, for me, one of the most uncomfortable moments on television, EVER!

Or do you do something in between.  It seems, in this case, that the girls go for option three.  Spencer discusses how much Ali would love all the attention of a Memorial Service in her honor.  She also talks about how nice it was that she was able to constantly fight with Ali.  (Not a smart admission, Spencer, seeing as you’re already a suspect in her murder.) 

 Hanna talks about how Ali “challenged” her (i.e. relentlessly berated her for being a chubby dork, and made her feel like crap on a regular basis).  Emily and Aria say stuff too, but it is so boring and meaningless, that I can’t remember any of it. 

At some point, during the ceremony, the Ex-Boyfriend of Spencer’s sister Melissa shows up.

“I come bearing flowers!”

NO!  I’m not talking about Wren . . .

Her OTHER Ex-Boyfriend, Ian!

Played by the adorable Ryan Merriman, who, unfortunately, was wearing a shirt at the time.

No one can really figure out why he was there.  But I’m sure we will find out in coming weeks . . .

Then Blind Jenna gets up to speak . . .

Surprisingly, she is kind of nice too!  She speaks about Ali’s strength, which, I guess, like the rest of the “positive traits” mentioned at the service, could be interpreted as “bitchiness,” but, no matter.  At least she doesn’t say anything crazy, like “I KNOW WHO KILLED ALI!”

After the ceremony, Jason approaches the girls with a gift . . .

It is THAT UGLY ASS BRACELET with Alison’s name on it!  Supposedly, Alison was wearing it at the time of her death.  BUT WAIT!  The girls already HAVE that bracelet!  They found it in the woods during the second episode . . .

Huh?

This is when THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE happens.  As the credit begin to roll, we look upon Alison’s Memorial fountain, surrounded by tiles, and covered with candles.  A figure in black approaches it.  He or she sits silently, observing the memorial for a few moments.  He or she then takes out a hatchet, and BASHES THE CRAP OUT OF IT!  It is SO AWESOME!  That scene makes the whole episode worthwhile, in my opinion! 

So much for “remembering Ali forever!”  They really should have went with Aria’s Memorial choice . . .

That’s all I’ve got for this episode.  According to ABC Family there is only ONE EPISODE LEFT before the Season Finale.  That’s CRAZY TALK!  That would mean the whole season was just TEN EPISODES long, and I know for a fact that the channel ordered 22 episodes!

Whatever the situation is, there’s a PLL hiatus coming up soon, which means the next two episodes should be ACTION-PACKED!  See you then!

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .