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A Letter from Chuck Bass to Blair Waldorf, written after he watched the Gossip Girl episode “Cross Rhodes”

My Dearest Blair,

Letter writing . . . it’s a bit of a lost art, don’t you think?  For me, there is just something so personal about putting pen to paper . . . gradually baring my soul to you, with each florid flick of my pen.  To know that you are holding my thoughts in the tips of your long elegant fingers . . . it’s kind of erotic, really.

Then again, you and I have always been a bit old fashioned, haven’t we?

More in some ways, than in others, of course . . .

Generally, I don’t watch much television.  My responsibilities as a prominent New York hotelier don’t afford me much in the way of free time.    And when I do watch, I’m frequently unimpressed.

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Just this past week, Nate convinced me to join him in a viewing of an episode of The Jersey Shore.   I spent most of that hour of my life (which I will never get back, by the way) trying to adjust the television screen.  I was about to call the cable company to complain about the poor picture quality.  But Nate assured me that the characters on the show really do have skin that color . . . a fact I found unsettling, to say the least.

That said, Monkey and I have recently gotten into the habit of watching Gossip Girl, together, each week.

Between you and me, Monkey has become a bit of a prima donna, since his debut on the show.  He insists that the producers only film him on his right side.  Every once in a while, you will catch a shot or two of Monkey taken from the left.  When this happens, Monkey always grabs my cell phone in his teeth, and rushes to call his agents in my bedroom.  There’s always a lot of loud barking going on, on those nights.

Anyway, I’m writing this to you, to discuss some things that happened during the “Cross Rhodes” episode that greatly disturbed me.  Aside from the parts of the episode that featured yours truly . . .

. . .  I’d say my favorite part of the episode was the one that featured you and Serena fighting at the breakfast table, after Dorota locked you in the dining room together.  You looked stunning as always, dear Blair.  And part of me was very much hoping that you and Serena would amorously wrestle one another on the table, amidst a shower of breaking glass, flying bits of fruit cocktail, and of course, lots and lots of bacon.

That would have been incredibly arousing . . . though, since Serena is my sister, I would probably have to refrain from looking at her during the battle, and only look at you.  No problem . . .

Also, I must say that having seen the fur vest to which Serena was referring in her insult of your wardrobe choices.  I must say, that I patently disagree with her assessment of it.  I thought you looked smashing in that vest.  Then again, you would look smashing wearing nothing but a paper bag, or better yet, a roll of red-tinted plastic wrap . . .

I’m going to refrain from remarking on the fact that the two of you were arguing over that boring, brillo-pad headed, puff pastry, with a passion for wearing cheap flannel, otherwise known as Daniel Humphrey, for the time being . . .

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Speaking of the Donut, Monkey and I were particularly exited to get to the part of the story, where the Upright Citizens Brigade skewered Dan’s novel.  After all, if there is any book in the world that deserves a good skewering, it’s the Dair fanfiction commonly referred to as “Inside.”  (Dan’s proposed second novel, The Manhattan Monarch, on the other hand . . . now THAT sounds like a good book!).

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I was especially interested in seeing which dashing young gentleman they would cast as the brilliantly, witty, but ulimately tragic, auto-erotic asphixiator,  Charlie Trout.  But alas, that aspect of the performance was never shown on screen.  For what it’s worth, I’ve always pictured Charlie as a swarthier Ryan Gosling, or, perhaps, as that talented little Brit, Ed Westwick . . .

That said, I thought the Brigade did a nice job casting that hairy mountain man with the slight speech impediment as Dan Humphrey . . .  Granted, he was a bit more attractive, and charming, than the real Dan.  But isn’t that always the case with Hollywood casting?

As for the girl they cast as a stand-in Serena, she was a bit shorter and rounder than I would have liked, but she did manage to catch many of Serena’s trademark mannerisms . . . most notably, her patent inability to brush her hair, and the fact that she likely shares her wardrobe with Mary Kate Olsen . . .

Regarding the casting of your character, there is no way that Lola girl, could hold a candle to you.  And you are right.  That headband she was wearing was an insult to headbands everywhere, certainly to the caliber of headbands you wore on your pretty little head, back in high school.

So, of course, Monkey and I were thrilled to learn that Lola had to back out of the show (though we’re sorry that Cece had to die for the sake good art), and that you were ready and waiting to take her place.  After all, no one does Blair Waldorf, like Blair Waldorf.  You know that, better than anyone . . .

Prior to the actual play, we did get to see you offering some acting tips to the woman who was to play you, which I think was a very kind gesture, on your part.  I think you were absolutely right, when you described any kiss that would exist between you and Dan Humphrey as “perfunctory.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  (Though the words “nausea-inducing” also immediately come to mind.)

Then, of course, I became very worried for your safety, when Humphrey tried to eat your face, like a hungry zombie, closing in on an exceptionally tasty brain, after weeks of going completely unfed.

The way your hands haphazardly grasped at various parts of that Donut’s body led some viewers to thing you were “caught in an arousing moment.”  But I could see that you were actually fighting for your life.  I was about to call 911 on your behalf, until Monkey reminded me that this show is pre-recorded . . .

Fortunately, Serena arrived to distract the zombie from his brain-eating attack.  And you promptly ran into the streets after her, in hopes of escaping infection by the undead and personality-free.  Monkey and I cheered, when this happened.

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I must say, I didn’t understand much about the argument you had with Serena, shortly after she rescued you . . . something about squashing your emotions like a bug.

I seem to remember once, back in high school — the first time I admitted to you that I might be harboring romantic feelings for you — you told me to murder the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  In that case, I’ll take your seemingly random comment as a clandestine acknowledgement of our everlasting love.  Message sent and received, my darling, Queen B.

When it came time for the actual show, there was a ridiculous moment, in which the Serena character relayed to you, an experience in which Humphrey supposedly came to watch you read some essay you wrote in the fifth grade. She said this, even though you and Dan Humphrey did not attend the same school, during that time.  (He was in public school . . . poor boy.).   Also, I might add, you had no idea who the f*&k Dan Humphrey was until high school.

It was a charming story in the way syphillis is charming, despite it’s being completely untrue.  And I guess your response of “Dan loves me for me,” was supposed to be funny.  The Upright Citizens Brigade is meant to be comedic, after all . . .

Now, I certainly can’t  fault Humphrey for falling in love with you, Blair.   You are perfect, in every way.  You know that.  The question is, what version of you does Dan love?

Does he love the strong, powerful,  incredibly ambitious, and often manipulative, woman, who used to stay up nights with me, planning and scheming?  Does he love the Queen B, who ruled the halls of Constance Billard High School, with an iron headband?

Does he love the woman I helped to become the perfect prom queen?  The one who helped me build my empire, and pulled me back from the brink, after my father’s death?

Does he love the first woman to whom I said those ever elusive three words and eight letters?  The woman who enjoys the finer things in life . . . posh hotels, king sized beds with soft sheets made of Egyptian cotton, in ridiculously high thread counts . . .

. . . a designer wardrobe,  eating tasty macaroons . . .

. . . indulging in the kinkiest of foreplay, playing dress-up, and, of course, limo sex?

Or does he only love you, when you are at your most vulnerable and broken  . . . a girl on the run, hiding from a life she never wanted, and pretending to be someone else, so that she doesn’t have to face the nightmare that her world has become?

I wonder . . .

But then you ran out the door again, and I assumed you must be having PTSD flashbacks of Zombie Dan eating your face . . .

When you arrived at the hospital to support Serena in her time of need, I wished I could be there for you.  But Monkey and I were too busy plotting world domination, and my limo driver couldn’t get across town in time.  Yet, I did call you.  And the words you said to me, were statements I genuinely took to heart.

You are absolutely right, Blair.  Being a good person, is more than just being kind to you . . .the woman I love more than life itself.  Being nice to you is easy . . .

. . . The real test of reformation is being benevolent to all of gods creatures . . .

. .  . even dull, squishy-bodied, slugs like, Dan Humphrey.

And thanks to your powerful words, I vow to be an all-around more decent person, in the future, Blair  . . . even to those who are less fortunate than myself . . . or at least have less fortunate hair . . .

Then, you told Humphrey you had real feelings for him, and I started to wonder whether, perhaps, he had chewed out a portion of your brain, after all . .  .  I plan to have an in-depth conversation about this with my neurologist, later today.  It’s a good thing you decided to stick around the hospital.  Impromptu surgery might be in order . . .

Until then, I pray for your speedy recovery.  Don’t you worry, though.  I’m not going to make a Pact with God, on your behalf.   Because that would just be ridiculous . . .

Forever yours, with deep and abiding love,

Charles Bass.

P.S. Dan sent that video of us declaring our love for one another on your wedding day to Gossip Girl.  If you ever want to get revenge on his ass for pretty much ruining your life, you know who to call  . . .

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Happiness is a Warm Chair – Looking Back at the Top Ten Chuck and Blair Moments from Season 5, Part 1

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  So far, this season of Gossip Girl has been quite the bittersweet one for us Chair fans.  On the sweet side, we have Chuck and Blair displaying just as much love, adoration, and passion for one another, as they always have.  Each time they were together on screen was more electric than the one before.

Even when Chuck and Blair were apart from one another, it was clear that they were never far from one another’s minds.  Donut Dan Humphrey, perhaps, said it best, when he said of the pair, “You two have some strange force field effect on eachother.  Physicists should study it.”

All of the amazing things Chuck did this season . . . from adopting Monkey, to becoming active in local charities,  to sacrificing his own happiness for Blair’s . . . Donut Dan’s . . . and even that cyborg asshat, Louis-bot’s . . . he did them out of love for, and in honor of, one very special Queen B.

As for Blair, her continued doubts about her relationship with Louis, and whether the so-called fairytale ending she had finally earned was all it was cracked up to be, all seemed to lead her back to Chuck Bass.    It was his face, she sought out, at the end of nearly every episode.  It was his voice she needed to hear on the phone.  It was his hand, she wanted to caress her face, when all hope seemed lost . . .

What’s amazing about seeing Chuck and Blair together in Season 5, is how much they both have grown, both as individuals, and as a couple, since Gossip Girl premiered, back in 2007.  Both have had their hearts broken, more times than they can count.  Their experiences have made them somewhat less impulsive than they used to be, and less willing to give their hearts to others, out of fear that their love won’t be returned.

But these same experiences have also made them kinder, gentler, more selfless people.  Chuck and Blair started the series as headstrong, manipulative, somewhat selfish individuals.  Now, they are adults, who are ready to enter into a mature, honest, and intimate relationship with one another, and maybe even start a family together.

It sounds pretty perfect, right?  But, alas, all was not well in Chair-land this season.  First of all, we were saddled with that marble-mouthed, personality-free cyborg, Louis-bot . . . the only character capable of uniting Chair and Dair fans in mutual hatred.

He ate up precious Chair screen time with his inexplicable verbiage, lame schemes, and ridiculous 8:54 apologies for whatever odious thing he did to Blair that week.

Due to his presence, and the existence of his evil spawn inside Blair’s belly, Chuck and Blair were frustratingly tentative, throughout most of the season, about sharing their true feelings for one another.

And when Chuck and Blair finally did receive their much awaited, and deserved happy reunion, it was ripped away by a nearly fatal car crash.  Thus proving that these two long-time lovers are just as starcrossed, as they always have been.

I guess some things never change . . .

But the holidays are not a time for regrets, complaints, or petty accusations.   They are time for spreading happiness, limo sex and for giving and receiving love and bar-mitzvah sex.

And in that spirit, I proudly present to you, my dear Chair fans, my picks of the Top Ten Chuck and Blair Moments from Season 5, so far  . . .

10. “I wanted to move on, to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

Blair’s realization that Chuck has returned the engagement ring he once bought for her, causes our Queen B to have some shocking and disheartening revelations about herself, and her relationship with Chuck . . .

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Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “Dr. Kirby thought you were upset I returned the ring.”

BLAIR: “He has too many PhD’s.  They cancel each other out and make him a moron.”

CHUCK: “I returned it because you asked me to let you go . . . I wanted to move on to give you the happy life you deserve.”

BLAIR: “All this time, I’ve blamed you for pulling me into the dark.  But I was wrong.  It was me who brought out your dark side.  And now that I’m with Louis, I’ve done the same to him.  I’m sorry.”

Why it made the list:

It is quite fitting that Blair begins this scene tasting cakes, as pastries have always played a major role in Chuck’s and Blair’s sex life . . .

Blair claims that she can’t enjoy her cakes because Louis-bot has lost his sweetness. How do you lose something you never had?  However, I can’t help but wonder whether it is her fear that she has lost Chuck’s love for good that is messing with her appetite.  After all, he always did like to eat her pies!

It’s interesting how Blair initially tries to deflect the seriousness of the conversation through casual banter, and witty insults.  Conversation avoidance is typically Chuck’s forte.  But, in this instance, it is Chuck who demands a serious conversation between Blair and him.  He knows that Blair was hurt by his confession that he returned her ring, and feels more than a bit guilty about causing her pain.  But I also think a part of him is a teensy bit hopeful.  Deep down, Chuck likely recognizes that the reason Blair got so upset over the fact that Chuck returned the ring is that she is not over him.

I’m awed by Chuck’s maturity throughout this scene, and how honest he is with Blair about his feelings.  Chuck has no desire to manipulate Blair’s feelings for him, as he has done in the past.  He only wants her to be happy, even if that secretly makes him miserable.  Chuck knows that no matter how many rings he leaves on the doorstep of Harry Winston to get stolen by homeless people he will always love Blair, more than life itself.

But, at this point, Chuck believes that Blair can only be happy with Louis.  And so, he says what he needs to say, to ensure that happiness.  It’s the type of blatant self-sacrifice we will see from Chuck, again and again this season . . .

But Blair misconstrues Chuck’s words terribly, interpreting them in a way Chuck never imagined that she would.  She begins to blame herself for Chuck’s and Louis-bot’s foibles.  And the anguish on her face, is mirrored by Chuck, the moment he realizes he has unwittingly caused her to feel this way.  It’s a sad scene . . . one that represents just how star-crossed Chuck and Blair truly are.  But it also illustrates their unbreakable bond, and how invested these two individuals are in eachother’s feelings and emotions.

9. Those pesky match-making squirrels . . .

Episode: “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan” – 5 x 4

Setting the Scene:

Reunited for the first time, since Blair announced that she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn, Chuck and Blair undoubtedly worry that things might be awkward between them.  So, Chuck’s best friend, Monkey, plots with a few Chair-shipping squirrels to help break the ice . . .

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Potent Quotables:

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BLAIR: “Since when do you bite your tongue?”

CHUCK: “I’m learning.”

BLAIR: “Isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen?”

CHUCK: “Isn’t that usually your role?”

BLAIR: “I prefer drama princess now.”

CHUCK:  “How are you, by the way?”

BLAIR:  “I’m OK.  Thanks for asking.”

CHUCK: “I’m sorry .  .  . squirrels.  Should we?”

Why it made the list:

With all the heartache and angsty moments these two have endured over the years,  it’s nice, every once in a while,  to see a light-hearted, dare I say, cute moment between them.  I remember watching the pregnancy reveal in 5 X 3, and wondering how Chuck and Blair would react to one another, when they saw eachother again.  Would they be cold?  Awkward?  Distant?

It was refreshing to see Chuck and Blair be so completely at ease with one another, despite the obvious subtext between them.  And I applauded the pair for being able to make, what could have been a terribly uncomfortable moment, oddly normal, filled as it was with easy jokes, friendly familiarity, witty familiarity, and, of course, mild flirting.  Already, Blair is starting to notice that Chuck has matured, in his staunch refusal to reveal Dan’s secret.  She’s clearly impressed with him  . . .

And yet, once again, as in the prior scene, it’s Chuck that brings the conversation to a deeper level.  He places an affectionate hand on Blair’s arm, as he asks her how she’s doing, with a look in his eyes that is a mixture of concerned and loving.  The pregnant and subconsciously maternal Blair, gently moves her hands toward her stomach,  before she replies, a subtle implication that she knows exactly to what he’s referring.

When Blair thanks Chuck for asking, on the surface, it’s a banal response, one that anyone would make, if someone asked them how they were doing.  But the look Blair gives Chuck when she says it, shows that she is expressing gratitude, not just for Chuck’s words, but that he has the courage to resume their relationship, and continue to support her, even though she is carrying another man’s child.  We’ll see that gratitude expressed again, in a more significant way, later on in the season.

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Everyone’s favorite guest star, Monkey, has been a secret Chair fan, ever since he comforted Chuck,  after his fateful encounter with Blair at the end of episode 3.  So, it is no surprise that the canine Bass is a little schemer, just like his owner.  It’s certainly no accident that he went after those squirrels, in such a way that Chuck would have to pull Blair close to him, in order to hold on to the leash, and keep his pregnant lover from falling on the concrete.

Thanks to Monkey, Chuck literally sweeps Blair off her feet, in such a way that the two are both smiling, blushing, and eye-goggling eachother, long after Monkey has been set back on the straight and narrow.  Chuck Bass is always so cool, calm, and collected.  This is why some of my favorite Chair scenes arise when Chuck seems to lose his composure.  The shy, and goofy way a red-faced Chuck mumbled a shy apology over the squirrels, warmed my heart,  because it shows just how smitten he still is with Blair, even after all these years.

Blair may have wanted Chuck to murder those butterflies in his stomach,  back in Season 1.  But here we are, four seasons later.  And they are clearly alive and well . . .

8. Blair and Chuck attend couple’s therapy

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

In complete denial of the obvious-to-everyone-else-but-her fact that the reason her relationship with Louis-bot is failing so miserably, is that she is head-over-heels in love with Chuck, Blair tags along on one of Chuck’s therapy sessions.   While there, she hopes to unlock the mystery of why Chuck is so awesome, and Louis-bot is so awful . . .

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Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I was a teenage bulimic and my father came out when I was fifteen.  This isn’t my first analysis.”

SHRINK: “Are you saying that you want your fiancé to be more like Chuck?”

BLAIR: “No!  More like the man Chuck’s become.  Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.”

SHRINK: “If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem confused.”

And later .  . .

CHUCK: “But I did let go of you, Blair . . . if you don’t believe me, call on Harry Winston.  The night of The Spectator launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on the doorstep and walked away.”

Why it made the list:

At first, this scene seems as though it’s going to be played mainly for laughs.  Chuck, clearly aware of how patently ridiculous it is that his non-girlfriend has decided to attend therapy with him, teases and taunts Blair, by using most of his therapy time to wax poetic about Monkey’s self-pleasuring tendencies.  (Any hope of Monkey getting a love interest, next season, Josh Schwartz?)  And yet something tells me Chuck’s real therapy sessions are much more juicy, and decidedly Blair-centric.

From Chuck’s perspective, it’s interesting that he refrains for as long as possible from telling Blair about returning her ring, presumably because he knows it will hurt her feelings.  And yet, when he is finally goaded into revealing this pertinent information, he seems both surprised and cowed, by how much his confession affected her.  It’s almost as if, a part of Chuck believed that Blair wouldn’t care at all about the ring, because he doesn’t yet consider himself worthy of her love.

As for Blair, she never expected that Chuck’s transformation had anything to do with letting go of her.  And the mistaken realization that Chuck might truly be over her, devastates her in a way that she never expected.  Leighton Meester is spectacular in this scene.  Her body stiffens in shock, as her eyes well up with tears.  It’s almost as if she’s experienced the death of a loved one.  But what she’s really experiencing is what she believes to be the death of love.

Blair tries to act casual about this discovery, when she excuses herself.   But the way her voice cracks, as she escapes the room, says everything about what’s going on in her head and heart.  She’s not fooling anybody, least of all, herself . . .

7. “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

Hiding away in Brooklyn, so that those nosy paparazzi won’t realize that her pregnant fingers are now too fat for her wedding ring, Blair struggles over why she can’t commit to her robot fiance.  Seeking closure or perhaps an opportunity to escape this sham of a marriage, Blair calls the one man, who can help her get in touch with her true emotions: Chuck Bass . . .

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Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I need your advice.  It seems as you’ve found your way, I’ve lost mine.”

CHUCK: “I didn’t think Blair Waldorf could get lost.”

BLAIR: “Neither did I, but I’m so lost I wound up in Brooklyn.”

CHUCK: “There are worse places.  This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”

BLAIR:  “No . . . only you .  . . Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

CHUCK: “Why are you asking me this?”

BLAIR: “I’m paralyzed.  I can’t move.   I can’t breathe.  You have to help me.”

CHUCK: “I can’t make this decision for you, Blair.  You’re the one who has to live with it.”

BLAIR: “But, what’s the right choice, Chuck?”

CHUCK: “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child.  Right?”

Why it made the list:

What’s interesting about this scene, is that it takes place entirely over the telephone.  So much of Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship is conveyed through their body language, and facial expressions.  When they are face-to-face with one another, knowing what is truly in eachother’s hearts comes easily to Chuck and Blair.  It is second nature to them.

But while on the phone, Chuck and Blair cannot look in eachother’s eyes when they speak.  They can’t touch one another.  They can’t see how eachother or standing, or read the tears in eachother’s eyes, or the devastation in eachother’s posture.  And this causes them to have a miscommunication of tragically epic proportions.

However, as viewers, we get to see Chuck and Blair, as they engage in this conversation.  And this gives us the unique opportunity to read the subtext of their words, which they, themselves, cannot see.  For example, Blair’s voice, when she asks Chuck for help, and jokes about being in Brooklyn, is deceptively subtle, and lighthearted, though we know, from the way she is seated on the couch, that it is taking all her will, not to break down.

Chuck responds in an equally light-hearted fashion.  But the sad look in his eyes, when he speaks  shows fans how hard it is for him to carry on a casual conversation with someone he loves more than life itself, and yet knows he cannot have. When Blair asks Chuck if he could love another man’s child, we see how nervous she is . . . and how tentative.  This is incredibly hard for her.  We know what she wants Chuck’s answer to be, even if she’s not ready to admit that to herself.

As for Chuck, on one hand, his heart swells from hearing this question.  It is the one Chuck has secretly wanted Blair to ask him, ever since she told him she was pregnant back in Episode 3.  On the other hand, a part of him feels as though fate is playing a trick on him, as though it is too good to be true.  “Why are you asking me this?” He asks,  with just a hint of nervous accusation in his voice.

This is when Blair breaks, she admits to being paralyzed, and torn up by fear and indecision.  She needs Chuck to give her the permission to leave her marriage, and save her from herself.  Now, Chuck can clearly hear the anguish in Blair’s voice, and it hurts his heart.  It takes all his will not to hang up the phone, rush over to Brooklyn, take her in his arms, and never let go.  And, perhaps, if Chuck could look Blair in the eyes, and see his love mirrored back in her, that’s exactly what he would have done.

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But he doesn’t see her.  And a voice in his head is nagging him to keep his feelings to himself.  He doesn’t know yet, how much Blair still loves him.  He worries that she will resent him, if he takes her away from the father of her child.  So, he says what he thinks is the “right” thing to say .  . .  He gives her up.  Even though he has to bite his quivering lip, when he finishes speaking to keep from breaking down.

Now, Chuck and Blair are both more lost than before.  But, fortunately, not for long . . .

6. Blair tells Chuck she’s pregnant / helps him to feel again

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Episode: “The Jewel of Denial”  – 5 x 3

Setting the Scene:  

After sacrificing his own happiness, so Blair could marry Louis-bot, Chuck escaped to Los Angeles, hoping to lose himself in booze and beautiful women.  But the old tricks, don’t seem to work for Chuck now, as he finds himself shockingly devoid of the ability to experience any sort of human emotion.  He reacts by throwing himself into increasingly dangerous situations, hoping that the physical pain he suffers will somehow translate into an emotional  one.  But Chuck isn’t experiencing physical pain, either.

Chuck’s new bestie, Humpty Humphrey, has spent the entire episode, trying to get him to feel something.  However, in the end, only Blair Waldorf holds the key that unlocks Chuck’s heart . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “I need to talk to you.”

CHUCK: “I thought we said everything we needed to say, last time we saw each other.”

BLAIR: “Chuck . . .”

CHUCK: “Is this another misguided attempt by Dan to get me to feel something?”

BLAIR: “I’m pregnant.  It’s Louis’.  I didn’t want you to find out from someone else, and wonder if the baby was yours.”

CHUCK: “That’s very considerate.”

BLAIR: “Yes . . . well . . . if I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.”

CHUCK: “You must have been very relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring.  It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.”

BLAIR: “This fairytale is complicated.”

CHUCK: “Blair, meet my dog, Monkey.”

BLAIR: “I saw Gossip Girl. I thought you got rid of him.”

CHUCK: “I just sent him to get fixed.  I thought it was the responsible thing to do.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “There is a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”

Why it made the list:

In the telephone scene, Chuck and Blair spoke volumes to one another.  But they could see one another, and, therefore, missed the painful emotions behind the words.  Conversely, in this scene, up until the very end, Chuck and Blair actually say very little to one another.  The conversation is polite, cordial, and even a bit cold.  If a conversation like this was done over the phone, it could have singlehandedly wrecked Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship.  But because Chuck and Blair can see one another, and know what eachother are feeling, during the conversation, it actually strengthens the bond between them.

When this scene first aired, it was the first time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick had shared the screen together, since the season 4 finale.  Chair fans waited with baited breath for the couple to reunite, over the long summer hiatus, and through the first two epsiodes of the season.  It made their actual reunion that much more epic, emotionally-charged, and meaningful than it perhaps would be, otherwise.

When Chuck first lays eyes on Blair,  his eyes widen, as if he doesn’t quite believe she’s really there.  Though they’ve spent months apart, it is quite clear, in that first moment that Chuck’s and Blair’s love for one another hasn’t diminished.  “I thought we said everything we needed to say the last time we saw eachother,” Chuck says, coldly.

He’s protecting his heart.  He doesn’t want Blair to hurt him again.  Blair’s utterance of his name in response, is a plea, that he take down his walls, and open his heart, so that he can really hear what she has to say.  It melts him a bit.  But his guard is still up.  He still thinks her presence in his apartment is too good to be true.  He thinks it’s a ploy or a trick of some sort.

But that all changes, when Blair admits tearfully that she’s pregnant, and that the baby is not his.  He’s clearly heartbroken, as is she.  They know how one another are feeling.  And yet, they still exchange cold pleasantries, maintaining the falsehood that Blair still wants her fantasy life with Louis-bot, and Chuck still wants to live life as a perpetual bachelor.

Once again, this conversation is in danger of ending very badly for Chair.  But in comes Number One Chair fan, Monkey, at just the right moment.  His presence makes Blair realize how much Chuck has changed, and it softens both of their hearts.  Because, really, who could be angry, in the presence of an adorable dog.  I think it’s the presence of Monkey, that enables Blair to make the heartfelt admission that ensures the future of Chair, “There’s a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”

Clearly, Chuck feels the same way.  You can see it in his eyes.  But he says nothing.  Instead, he bids Blair a polite goodbye,  and waits for her to depart, so that he can finally breakdown.  Blair’s confession has awakened Chuck’s ability to experience pain and emotion.  She’s saved his soul, and broken his heart, in a single moment.  Fortunately, Monkey is there to pick up the pieces . . .

5. “You are the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”

Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9

Setting the Scene:

Having learned that Chuck’s shocking transformation took place, only after he committed to giving her up for the greater good, Blair has come to the devastating conclusion that she brings out the evil in the men that she dates.  Knowing this to be patently false, and unable to allow the woman he loves to be so down on herself, Chuck goes to Blair’s bedroom to comfort her . . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

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CHUCK: “You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.”

BLAIR: “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.  But I have my answer.”

CHUCK: “You were the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”

BLAIR: “Then, why did it take letting me go to find this whole new side of yourself?”

CHUCK: “I only turned dark and desperate, because I was afraid of losing you.  You’re love kept me alive.”

BLAIR:  “But you survived without me.”

CHUCK: “The worst thing happened, and I didn’t die.  But I had to find a way to move on with my life.  I only want you to be happy.  I’m just sorry it couldn’t be with me.”

And later . . .

CHUCK: “I’m not the groom.”

Why it made the list:

Many times throughout the series,  we’ve seen Blair comfort Chuck, when he needed a hug, a kind word, and a gentle self esteem boost.  And though Chuck clearly cares for Blair deeply, and can can be turned into puddy at the sight of her tears, it’s rare that we see him comfort her.  It’s not that Chuck isn’t sensitive to Blair needs, or that he doesn’t want to make her feel better, I think he just worries that he doesn’t have the right words to do it.  Perhaps, that will change, now that the New and Improved Chuck has come to the Upper East Side . . .

It was heartwarming to see Chuck helping Blair through her devastation, by not letting her go on believing that she was to blame for his darkness or Louis’.  In this instance, he knew exactly what to say to cure Blair of her misconception.  And the best part about it, was that it was all true.  Chuck is a much better person, for having known and loved Blair.  She believed in him, supported him, and helped him to become the man he is today.  And if Louis-bot wasn’t such an asshat, she’d probably make him a better person too.

It’s not at all surprising that a guest in the home, walking into the situation would assume that Chuck was the groom-to-be.  Chuck’s and Blair’s romantic connection to one another is apparent even to strangers.  That said, Chuck’s utter dejection when he informed the baker that he wasn’t the groom broke my heart . . .

4. Chuck and Blair play dress-up, and  things get RED HOT.

Episode: “The Big Sleep No More”  – 5 x 7

Setting the Scene:

Blair just can’t seem to get Chuck’s hot body epic apology out of her mind.  Unable to accept the fact that she’s obviously still in love with him, Blair tries to convince herself that Chuck is only pretending to be a better man, so that she will doubt her dull relationship with the Robot Prince.  It’s working!  Desperate for answers, Blair crashes Chuck’s Sleep No More charity event, and attempts to seduce him.  By doing so, she hopes to prove, once and for all, that Chuck Bass is the same sexpot he’s always been.  But the problem with seduction is that it is often a two-way street, which begs the question, “Who’s seducing who?”

Video:

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR: “Of course, you knew it was me.  Was it my perfume?”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “It looks like we’re stuck . . . together . . . alone . . . amongst the masked and anonymous.  Do you remember when we used to play dress-up?”

CHUCK: “How could I forget?  Though, I didn’t think this was your kind of entertainment anymore.”

BLAIR: “At least I know I’m safe, locked in here with the New Chuck Bass, who has none of his old urges.  I have to admit, I had a hard time believing you, at first.  But now I see . . . the therapy, the apology . . . you really have changed.  As warm as it’s getting in here, I can sweep the hair from the nape of my neck, without setting you off.   It’s such a relief to be able to let my guard down.  Oh look!  They even have Red Hots.  You never could resist.  Do you want one?

CHUCK: “No . . . thank you.”

BLAIR: “No one is looking.  Even the new Chuck Bass must have some of his darkest desires.  Just a taste.”

(They kiss.)

BLAIR: (slaps Chuck) “I knew you were still the same Chuck.  You thought by one fake apology, and a few charitable acts, you could get me to question, all the reasons I’m with Louis.  But I was right.  You are incapable of change.”

CHUCK: “It seems you know me too well.”

BLAIR: “And now, thanks to you, I am more certain than ever, that I chose the right man.  Goodbye.”

CHUCK: “Goodbye, Blair.”

Why it made the list:

I suspect some readers might be surprised at how high up on the list this scene appears.  After all, one could argue that everything that happens here is an act.  Blair is seducing Chuck, because she wants to prove that he is still the Bad Bass she knows and loves.  She thinks this will make her feel comfortable entering into her boring relationship with that Gibberish Speaking Cyborg.  And, though we don’t know it, at the time the scene first airs, Chuck is playing a part as well.  He’s pretending to be seduced by Blair, as a favor to Dorota, who claims it will help Blair find happiness with Louis-bot.

On the other hand, how much of this scene really was acting, and how much was real?  It’s fun to try and guess.  After all, this certainly isn’t the first time Chuck and Blair have used their sexual powers of manipulation on one another.  (Remember the “I love you” wars, of Season 2?)

Sexual chemistry simply can’t be faked.  And Chuck and Blair have it in spades, in this scene.  Chuck certainly seems hot and bothered by Blair, as she dances around him, rubbing her neck, filling his nose with her scent, and taunting him with red hots.  His breathing is labored when he speaks to her, and his voice is decidedly husky.  As for Blair, there’s something about the way she stares at Chuck’s mouth that seems to suggest that the seduction act is working it’s magic on her, just as much as it’s working on him.

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And the kiss, it seems to take Blair by surprise, even though she’s been working toward it all this time.  It’s long.  It’s passionate.  It’s red hot.  And both Chuck and Blair find themselves carried away by it’s intensity, until it becomes all-too-apparent that neither of them are acting, anymore.

Even the slap that follows, and the heated argument that occurs between the pair,  seems charged with sexual energy.  Watch their body language in the scene . . . the way their faces are flushed, the way their eyes dilate, when they speak to one another.  After Blair storms, off, Chuck seems a bit lightheaded, like someone waking up from a trance.  He’s not entirely sure what just transpired, but he knows he kind of liked it . . .

Then you remember that Chuck did all this to ensure Blair’s happiness with another man, and it makes you fall in love with him all over again . . .

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3. Chuck apologizes to Blair for  . . . well . . . EVERYTHING.

Episode: “I am Number Nine” – 5 x 6

Setting the Scene:

While on his Path to Redemption, Chuck decides to apologize to Blair and Chair fans for some of the less-than-loveable things he’s done to her, during the course of their roller coaster relationship . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.

BLAIR: “What are you here to apologize for?”

CHUCK: “Everything else.  I’m sorry for losing my temper the night you told me that Louis proposed to you.   I’m sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building.  I’m sorry for treating you like property.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you, when I knew I did.  Most of all, I’m sorry that I gave up on us, when you never did.”

BLAIR: “Thank you.  I hope never giving up on people isn’t going to be my downfall.”

CHUCK: “It’s why you are going to be an amazing mother.  You are always there for the people who you love, even when they don’t deserve it.”

BLAIR: “You know, that’s never going to change.”

CHUCK: “It’s OK, if it has to.  Starting tonight, I’m going to take care of myself.”

Why it made the list:

This scene was not just a love letter from Chuck to Blair.  It was also a love letter from the GG writers to Chair fans.  On the surface, this was simply Chuck showing Blair just how much he had changed and grown up, over the years.  By admitting, and coming to terms with all the ways in which he has hurt Blair, throughout their relationship, Chuck is saying to the woman he loved, “I am going to change for you.  I am willing to accept responsibility for what I have done wrong.  And I am ready to become a man, who is worthy of your love, even if you cannot bring yourself to love me in return.”

But peel back the layers, and you can also hear the writers saying to you: “Thank you for sticking by this ship, through thick and thin, even when other fans called you crazy for doing so.  We know this couple has accumulated a lot of heavy baggage, over the years.  And we aren’t going to insult your intelligence, by sweeping it under the carpet, and pretending that none of it ever happened.  Instead, we are going to have Chuck own up to his wrongs, and try to make amends for them, not just by his words, but also through his actions.  In short, we are going to reward you, Chair fans.  Because, just like Blair, you don’t give up on the things and people you love.”

With the apologies out of the way, Chuck and Blair actually get to share a really sweet moment, where Chuck illustrates his admiration for Blair’s unflinching ability to stick by people she cares deeply about, even when they disappoint her.  Like Chuck, we know that this will not be Blair’s downfall, but will ultimately be her salvation.  It will keep her strong during the tough road ahead.  And the fact that Chuck told Blair that she would be a great mother, at the very moment, when she needed to hear it most . . . well, if that doesn’t warm you’re heart, you’re a soulless vampire . . .

.  . . or, possibly an evil cyborg.

2. Chuck’s and Blair’s Tragic Limo Town Car Reunion

Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

In this epic mid-season finale episode, Chuck and Blair have finally come clean to one another about their feelings for eachother.  Now, along with Blair’s unborn child, they are finally ready for their much-deserved Happily Ever After.  Unfortunately, those pernicious paparazzi have other ideas . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

Source 

BLAIR: “I have to tell Louis, face-to-face that the wedding is off.  He deserves at least that.”

CHUCK: “Are you sure you want to do this?  I mean . . . a prince . . . a fairytale wedding.  This is all you ever wanted.”

BLAIR: “No!  You’re all I ever wanted.  I love you.  I love every part of you.  I couldn’t tell Louis that he would never lose me, because it wasn’t true.  You’re the one I never want to leave.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “We can go anywhere.  Switzerland has impeccable schools, or maybe Tokyo.   They have opening ceremony, and great test scores.”

CHUCK: “Blair, we don’t need to go anywhere.  We can raise this baby right here.”

Why it made the list:

I have such mixed emotions about this scene.  On one hand, never have I seen such a joyous reunion between two people, as the one between Chuck and Blair.  I mean, seriously, Chair fans.  When have you ever seen Chuck so adorably giddy?

He’s like a little child, practically bursting out of his seat with happiness.  His face is flushed.  He’s breathing heavy.  He’s babbling.  His eyes are wide with excitement.  He keeps touching Blair’s face, as if he can’t quite believe she’s real.  We’ve waited five seasons to see Chuck like this.  And it’s hard not to smile, watching him, even though we all know tragedy is about to strike.

As for Blair, it’s heartening to hear her finally verbalize her feelings for Chuck . . . the one’s we always knew she felt,  but could never quite bring herself to say.  Up until this point, this season, it’s been Chuck always making the heartfelt speeches, the epic apologies, the eloquent declarations of love.  Now it’s Blair telling Chuck she never wants to leave him, planning for their future, talking about starting their family.

In an alternate universe, Chuck and Blair didn’t trade taxi’s with Nate that night.  They avoided the paparazzi, arrived back in the Upper East Side, safe and sound, made sweet love in Blair’s bed, and woke up early the next morning to shop for baby furniture.  But it our universe, Blair finally noticed the paparazzi stalking her car.  And in that moment, the fantasy was shattered.

What’s in store for Chuck and Blair now, remains to be seen . . . But no matter what happens, we can always look back at this moment, and remember them as a young couple, deeply in love, and overjoyed at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . . The Number One Chuck and Blair Moment from Season 5, so far is . . . (drumroll please) . . .

1. “I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”

Source 

Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10

Setting the Scene:

Source

After their devastating telephone conversation, during which Chuck could not bring himself to tell Blair to ditch that bastard, Louis-bot, for his sexy self, Blair is completely inconsolate, fearing that she will never be happy again.  But Matchmaker Dan has other plans for his friend and the unrequited object of his affection.  And those plans involve the one man with the power to give Blair the happiness she deserves . . .

Video:

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK: “Dan arranged it for us.”

BLAIR: “What us?”

CHUCK: “The ‘us’ I should have fought for, when you called.  The ‘us’ that is not just you and me, but you, me, and your baby.”

BLAIR: “Then, why did you tell me to choose Louis?”

CHUCK: “I thought it was selfish, if I was the one to tell you to break up your family.”

BLAIR: “That was the moment you chose  not to be selfish?”

CHUCK: “Timing has never been our strong suit.  I had it all wrong.  Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him.  You should be with me.”

BLAIR: “Why?”

CHUCK: “Because I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”

And later . . .

BLAIR: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

CHUCK: “Wait .  . . I want to come with you.”

Why it made the list:

This scene truly embodies Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship.  It’s as if everything we’ve endured with this couple, over the past five seasons — all the breakups, and makeups, the accusations, and the insinuations, the beautiful speeches, and the smoking hot sexual encounters — has culminated in this single moment.  Finally, Chuck is ready to fight for Blair, as he promised he would, during his apology to her in “I Am Number Nine.”  Finally, he is saying the things he’s known in his heart, since he fell in love with her, back in high school . . . the things he’s always wanted to say, but never had the courage to do so.

After all his soul searching, Chuck finally feels worthy, not just of Blair, but of Blair’s child, which he will love as if its his own, because it’s part of the woman he loves more than anything in the world.  It’s a more honest, mature, and heartfelt, Chuck, then we’ve ever seen before.  And it’s this Chuck that takes Blair’s breath away, by saying things to her, that she’s never admitted to herself, that she’s always wanted to hear.

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She moves in closer to him, clutching her unborn child, and, in that moment, they cease to be indviduals, and become a unit . . . a family.  The fact that Chuck doesn’t want to leave Blair’s side, even though he knows this might make them a more likely target for the paparazzi, is both romantic, and symbolic of this union.  Chuck spent so much of these past two seasons apart from Blair.  And he doesn’t want to be separated from her, for another minute.

If only the episode ended here, we could sleep better at night, knowing, for certain, that Chuck, Blair, and Blair’s baby lived happily ever after.  And though that wasn’t in the cards for our favorite Upper East Side Couple, the fact that a perfect scene like this exists, reminds us Chair fans, that Chuck and Blair are meant to be.  They’ve endured hardships, heartbreak, evil cyborgs, bland prostitutes, and so much worse, but it never shook the solid, unbreakable foundation of their love for one another.  And that gives us hope for, and certainty in their future . . . together.

You know you love them!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

If at first you don’t succeed . . . deny, deny again – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition”

“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour.  What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake?  Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party  . . .”

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent.  But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves.  Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.

“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”  

For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging.  Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .

. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.

“Donnnn worry, Recapah!  I’ll be baaaaaacck!”

Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .

Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson

When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

He had also started dating Serena, because .  . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically.  (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.)  When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening boning checking out the “sights of New York.”  And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .

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(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)

Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor.  (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.)  McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps.  McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him.  And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.

“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'” 

Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).

“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this?  SUCKA!” 

Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know Call Me Serena   Lying Poopyhead  Ivy.

Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH! 

When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS.  OMG!  It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .

 Jack Bauer does not approve.

Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it.  But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .

“This is my Sweet Face.” 

Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones.  So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms.  (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde.  I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes.  Sorry Rufus  .  . . and Chuck .  . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)

In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.

“Shut up, Carol!  Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?” 

Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist.  She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.”  But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer.  (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”

On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky.  And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .

“Ummm .  . . hi Real Charlie.  Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'” 

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Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .

How does her head not topple over?   

 . . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy.  (Are you confused yet?   Because I sure am!)

And this dress confuses me most of all . . . 

Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells.  Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend.  She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that  .  . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.

One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam.  And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.

*clears throat loudly* 

Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .

What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.

MAX: “Jesus!  Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me?  CeCe?” 

MAX: “I take that as a YES!” 

So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.

What can I say?  Greed is good!

But don’t fret my Cece lovers.   As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing).  One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story.  And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .

“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?” 

But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie.  If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete.  This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money.  McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.

But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom.  And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.”  He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.

But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!

Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her.  What a sweetheart!  No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.

“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.” 

You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related.  But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .

Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets.  No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him!  He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!”  (Well, he’s a chef.  So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)

“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH!  Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . .  . never mind.” 

No matter.  Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat.  I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY].  Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . . 

And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity.  By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now.   And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser.  But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore.  I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally,  creepy cartoon super villian style.

“MWAH-HAHAHA!  I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”

Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.

The Spectator:  It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!

One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense.  But alas, this was not that day.

“DOH!” 

On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ.  So, that’s nice for him .  . . I guess.  Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.

“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”

Those of us like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool  ended up being sorely disappointed this week.  As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.

Mini- Matt Lauer 

Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana.  No SIR!  He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning.  (Neon green . . . FYI).  He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or  ask nicely.

Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!

All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him.  Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.”  After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?

“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.” 

But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST.  So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.

Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him.  Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story.  Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before.  “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.

“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena.  Still banging guest stars, who look like me?” 

And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous.  Am I the only one?

Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic.  But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it.  Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.”  But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works.  And why not?  He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.

Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.”  I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me.  It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.

YUMMY! 

Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.

Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .

Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell.  “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.

Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).

Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)

Oh, Donut Dan!  How the not-so-mighty hath fallen!  One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.

The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.

I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis.  After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo and Raccoon Zombies . . .

. . . losing two would be downright depressing.

But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf like he did last week.

He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone.  Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.

“CABLE GUY!!!!!” 

(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)

Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . . 

And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant.  Surprise!  The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.

Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants? 

At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings.  But, no such luck.  As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction.  (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)

To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do.  Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.

“Oh DAN!”   (bats eyelashes)  “You naughty little Tweeter, you!” 

I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets.  So, he took over, and started insulting himself.  (Self-hatred RULES!)

Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys.   In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.

“Come on!  Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!” 

(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job.  We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)

Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud.  I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .

Target demographic for Dan’s book . . . 

And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .

Chair-ing is CARING!

Source 

Blair is sad because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN.  Wouldn’t you be sad too?.  She is wearing a sad orange dress.  She also has a sad ponytail in her hair.  Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him.  That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.

“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .” 

Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!

This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .

. . .  to get inside his pants head to figure out how he “turned good,”  so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.

Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.

Monogrammed yoga mats! 

Queen B is shocked and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady.  She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.”  (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.”  You know what that means?  She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)

Source 

To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world,  is known as “couples counseling.”

During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.

“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1.  Now THAT was EPIC!” 

He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck, whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly  hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass.  (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)

Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go.  How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.

“Diagnose THIS!” 

But nope.  This is a SERIOUS Chair episode.  And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of stupidity closure, if ever there was one.

He tells her to call Harry Winston and check.  And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT.  I know, because that someone was me.

But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission.  It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again.  And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?

Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding.  (How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes?  Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.)  He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring.  (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!)  “You asked me to let you go, so I did.  I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

Source 

Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry.  (Well . .  . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.)  She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers.  This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom.  (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))

I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.”  And “[Her] love kept him alive.”  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all.  After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place.  What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?

Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest.  He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes.  Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love.  But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.

“I just want you to be happy Blair.  I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”

This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom.  (See?  SHE’S Team Chair too!)  Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t,  in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.

Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man.  Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.

Ahhhh, much better. 

As usual, Westwick and Meester  bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being.  You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:

The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth.  Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair.  He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner.  “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one.  I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully.  NO!  YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE.  YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK.  DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!

“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”

And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered.  “Do you still love her?”  He asks.

Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance.  “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.

*sigh* 

If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time.  Does that make me unpatriotic?)

What’s that I see?  Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B.  Can I get a HELL YEAH?  (I don’t know.  It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing.  Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)

Here’s the American Promo.  See what YOU think?

Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.

Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday.  So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below.  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Gossip Girl

Men of Action, Men of GOOD – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources”

[ Your recap for Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition” is on it’s way!  Check back for it later this evening (E.S.T.)  XOXO!]

For the record, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a spinoff of Gossip Girl, consisting entirely of Chuck Bass, staring sexily at the camera, and insulting a Drunken Humpty Humphrey, while the latter mumbles incoherently about nothing in particular . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl, we learned that making major changes in your life, often requires action.  But, sometimes, the most heroic thing to do in a particular situation is nothing at all.  We also learned that, Chuck is more than willing to share his apartment, his flask, his pot, and his hookers with his friends . . .

But he always saves his Monkey for himself . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

You’ve Been E-vited to the Shower of the Century . . .

Source 

Hooray, it’s Blair’s Wedding Shower!  This is a time for us to celebrate the wonder that is how Blair has somehow managed to stay engaged to Louis-bot, despite the fact that (1) he was obviously created by a mad scientist in a lab, somewhere; (2) no one ever understands one f*&king word he says; and (3)the remaining few mildly redeeming aspects of his personality vanished about four episodes ago.  Party Planner Serena feverishly makes preparations for the Big Event.

Being human and having a personality is overrated, anyway. 

Meanwhile Chuck (who wasn’t invited to the Shower, thanks to a certain HOT AND HEAVY makeout fest with the guest of honor, last week)  . . .

*sigh*

 . . . walks his Monkey . . .

“Oh, dammit!  Not these little b*tches, again.  And what the hell is that one in pink wearing on her head?”

. . . and is forced to field insults from those runty Mini GG’ers that the writers randomly throw into the show about once every season (possibly to appeal to that all-important under-10 demographic).

In all fairness, the one on the right DOES bare a striking resemblance to Blake Lively .  . . 

 I actually found them really funny,  the first two times they appeared.  Now, when Chuck half-heartedly sicks the docile Monkey on them (telling the girl’s the dog’s been forced to attack fake Prada, no less), a part of me hopes the canine goes temporarily insane, and bites their little heads off.

“That’s what you get for insulting my Master!” 

Speaking of insulting, elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Lily and Rufus are laughing hysterically at Donut Dan, who has, once again, been called out by Gossip Girl for being a total loser.

“I told you!  This is why I always insist on wearing a bag over my head, whenever we go out in public with your son.” 

“You are SO not getting a signed copy of my book, MOM!”

He hasn’t been invited to Blair’s party either.  This is because he once wrote a fanfiction starring himself, in which he and Blair made mad passionate Humpty Humphrey love.  And that fanfiction just so happened to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list, for about two minutes, thereby totally humiliating Blair.  (Smut fanfiction has always been the most popular kind, after all.)

“I ended up calling my book, Inside.  But the working title was actually, Dan Humphrey: Sex God.” 

Oh, did I mention that Louis-bot is back from his episode long hiatus, having been refurbished with a brand new battery pack,  and an even more bizarre-sounding language chip?

“I caammm barink geeefts to show my wuv to yuuuu, Blayerrr.”

“Huh?” 

Case in point: by way of apology, he bought Blair “boo-atles of purrrrfoooom, whiz shee kin smizsch un heez  hiz hid, if she leaks” (a.k.a. bottles of perfume, which she can smash on his head, if she likes.)

Louis promises Blair that his time away has left him a changed man.  (I mean, they have replaced his batteries, after all!)  But then, not one minute later, he’s already bashing on all Blair’s friends, and trying to isolate her from them, claiming that they don’t have her “bist intwest acht haurrrt” (a.k.a. best interests at heart).

“Oh, you mean because they paid off a shrink to try and make my ex-boyfriend go nuts, even if that meant he might hurt me, in the process?  Oh, wait . . . that was YOU!”

As evidence of this, Louis-bot shows Blair a GG blast about her recent Paternity Test debacle, claiming that since HE didn’t write it, one of her friends probably did.

Of course, as anyone who’s ever had to suffer through a Lifetime movie can tell you, this is textbook future wife-beater behavior.   In other words, Blair, RUN  . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

Since Louis-bot has already planted the seeds of doubt in her head, as to her friends’ party planning abilities, Blair becomes damn-near suicidal when her minions accidentally / on-purpose let it slip that Blair’s shower invitation was sent via e-vite . . .

. . . with instructions to wear jeans . .  .

.  . . because Greek food will be served from a nearby grease truck . . .

. . . along with .  . . SHAVED ICE for dessert.

Source 

OH THE HORROR of casual dining.  (I’m not even sure Blair owns a pair of jeans!)  It’s a wonder our bride-to-be didn’t immediately toss herself off the roof of the Hotel Empire.

Of course, it’s a  very good thing she didn’t.  I mean, obviously, we don’t want Blair to kill herself.  (How would we ever get our Chair Happy Ending, if that happened?)  But also, the party ended up being totally awesomesauce, and not at all how the girls meanly led Blair to think it would be . . . (More on that later.)

But, since we are on the subject of Blair.  What the hell kind of outfit was she wearing during the entire first half of the show?  She looked like a cross between Barbara Bush and a human Christmas Tree?

That said, her dress for the bridal shower kind of rocked.  (I think.)  So I’m willing to let this temporary lapse into fashion victim-ism slide . . .

MAX-imum Trouble for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena

The problem with having three different names, is that you never know who you are exactly, until someone calls you by one of them.

Source 

 Just ask Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who becomes deeply confused (not to mention royally screwed), when ex-boyfriend Max comes a-stalking, and starts blabbing his mouth off to Lily about Charlie, not really being Charlie (or Call Me Serena, for that matter).  As far as Max is concerned, Charlie is Ivy.  And, as far as Ivy is concerned, Max is a DEAD MAN!

“Conveniently, one of my multiple personalities just so happens to be a serial killer named Bubba Chainsaw.” 

Fortunately, for Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, she’s way smarter than she looks.  Girlfriend comes up with an actually-pretty-convincing story for Lily (and Max), about how her riches-hating mama forced her to pick-up a separate identity, just to make sure no one used her for her trust-fund baby status.

“Good one . . . Char . . . Iv . . . whatever the hell your name is!”

Suddenly, Lily’s feeling all guilty, as she hugs her faux-niece, and speechifies about how she should never feel like she has to hide her true identity, and blah-blah-blah.  Lily is officially a moron.  For a few seconds there, I thought I was watching the last few minutes of a Very Special Episode of that old sitcom, Full House.

“Well, this is awkward . . . Why didn’t the trusty doorman tell me they were filming an After School Special in here?”

(“You just be yourself, D.J. Tanner Faux Charlie!  Your REAL friends will like you for who you are . . . or . . . in this case . . . who you pretend to be.”)

Alone in Faux Charlie’s room, Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena offers to give Max $50,000 to start his own restaurant in Seattle, as a consolation prize for no longer being able to f*&k her.   Max seems pretty cool with the offer, which doesn’t say much for faux-Charlie’s skills in the sack.

“Hmm . .  . let me think about this . . . lots of cash OR mediocre sex with crazy lying b*tch .  . . CHECK PLEASE!”

But later, Max randomly gets let into the van der Woodsen apartment by the WORST DOORMAN EVER, and starts digging around faux-Charlie’s things.  There, he conveniently finds a playbill for a local show on which “Ivy” and “Carol Rhodes” (faux-Charlie’s so-called mother) worked together in Florida.  Ruh Roh!

Consider all of your personalities officially busted . . . 

Then, an Evil Lightbulb goes off in his brain . . . (insert maniacal laugh here) . . .

Max McPoorPerson decides to stick around the Upper East Side, after all.  In fact, he might even have a shot at having sex with Serena!  (Why not, everyone else does?)  Oh, and why just ask for $50,000 to keep your ex-girlfriend’s dirty little secret, when you can ask for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

The Scandalous E-mails of Manhattan’s Elite

Hey, did you know that this whole ridiculous The Spectator storyline was just an extremely overy complicated plot by Nate’s grandfather to get his son a real job . . . one that didn’t involve him sticking his head up the ass of some 40ish cougar?  Oops.  So, much for that!

“There aren’t any great-grand kids I should know about are there?”

Anywhoo, Nate’s grandpa gives Mamacita Diana an ultimatum: make your lame online tabloid successful, and set Nate up as it’s fearless leader, ASAP or else I’ll tell everyone your CHUCK’S MOM!  Interestingly enough, it’s actually Nate who comes up with the key to making grandpoppy’s plot a resounding success, when Eric VDW’s ex beau Jonathan somehow hacks into Gossip Girl’s e-mail and finds a database containing every piece of information anyone has ever sent to her EVER.

“See .   . . contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart . . . S- M-R-T (That spells smart, by the way.)!” 

Nate tells Serena about this.  And Serena’s all “HELL NO!  I send Gossip Girl mean and nasty e-mails about you people, everyday!  You can’t publish this!  It will make me look like a total asshat!”

Nate agrees.  But then Diana is magically lurking around the office when he has his conversation, and learns everything.  When Nate begs Diana not to publish “All the Pretty Sources” (see what I did there), Diana immediately assumes that Nate is only looking out for himself, because HE has sent so many salacious e-mails to Gossip Girl, over the years.  But when she does a search for his name, she finds . . . wait for it . . . NOTHING .  . . NOT ONE E-MAIL.

Nate Archibald is a GOOD MAN!  HALLELUJAH!  Either that, or, instead of sending e-mails to Gossip Girl using his real, FULL NAME, because that would be STUPID (Seriously, what’s WRONG with these people?   Why the hell would you trust GOSSIP GIRL, of all people, not to reveal you as a source), he’s the only one who was smart enough to send his GG blasts, through the anonymous moniker, CougarLover69@gmail.com.

“Actually, the real reason I never sent any info to Gossip Girl is that I never learned how to type.  My maids always did that for me.”

Inspired by Nate’s angelic tendencies and large weiner a genuinely lovestruck Diana calls Grandpoopy Archibald, hoping to call off the whole thing.  Unfortunately for Diana, Silly Serena was SO SCARED people would find out how much sh*tty stuff she said about her friends to Gossip Girl over the years,  that she LEFT HER WEB BROWSER OPEN when she went to the bathroom, allowing Louis-bot to see EVERYTHING!

“Heylooo, Serrenaaaa.  I haf coome to keeel yer freend-sheep wit Blayerrr.” 

And, of course, because Louis-bot is secretly the greatest computer hacker of ALL TIME, he immediately publicizes the sources list, ALL BY HIMSELF. (They must teach this at finishing school in Monaco!)  In doing this, Louis-bot pretty much singlehandedly RUINS his wife-to-be’s bridal shower (More on that, in a bit.), and pretty much pees on her reputation in the process.  (Nice going, DOOFUS!)

“BAD ROBOT!”

But back to Nate . . . . he walks in on Diana’s and Grandpoopy’s scheming.  Nate’s discovery causes Diana, who now think’s Nate is just dreamy (and, of course, doesn’t want her dirty little Bass-tard secrets to come pouring out – Gossip Girl style) to take the blame for publicizing the sources list.

“Grandpaaaa!  The bad lady had sex with me, and made me have trust issues!”

Nate is FURIOUS that he has been betrayed, as evidenced by his FURROWED BROW OF ANGUISH.

“You are giving me premature wrinkles, Diana.  (I plan to send you a bill for my Botox, in about ten years.  Just so you know.)” 

No more Sex in the Spectator Room, for Diana, that’s for sure!   Grandpoopy then swoops in, like the HERO he is, to buy out Diana’s interest in The Spectator (which, of course, he already owns), and fire the Cougar Vamp, banishing her back to LA, where she belongs.

Grandpoopy then makes the worst business decision IN THE WORLD, by putting his twenty-year old Grandson, who, is actually still in college (though the show often tends to forget this fact), and has NO REAL WORK EXPERIENCE, WHATSOEVER (unless you count schtupping your boss as work) as the head of The Spectator.  Then again, when you have more money than GOD, what’s one bad business decision (or ten) among family . . .

And now, for the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . .

Everything is just Duck-ie! (and Chair-y!)

A mopey Dan show up at his new bestie, Chuck’s apartment on the morning of Blair’s wedding shower-to-be.  Donut Dan’s hope is that Chuck will be able to somehow get Humpty Humphrey’s mind off the fact that he basically sucks at life.  At first, Chuck is not at all interested in the offer, much preferring to spend the day in the significantly more high class company of his adorable dog.  “Would you be willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?”  He asks wryly.

DAN: “Why, what’s wrong with my hair and clothes?” 

CHUCK: *laughs until milk pours out of his nose*

Dan refuses, perhaps believing that his ridiculous hair is what gives him the power to write bad, but, surprisingly lucrative, fanfiction, and bed women who are significantly out of his league, like Serena  but not like Manessa.

“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you,” replies Chuck.

But then he sees the newspaper article about Blair and Louis-bot’s upcoming nuptials,  and decides he could really use some good human company . . . But since that’s not available to him at the moment, Donut Dan will have to do . . .

“GRRRRRRR!  Death to all evil cyborgs with weird accents!”

In an adorable bromantic bonding moment, the pair get high and drunk together, while eating fancy catered snacks, and watching, of all things, The Matrix.   (Because watching Clockwork Orange while stoned does strange things to Chuck’s perception.  Who knew Chuck was a cinephile?)

DAN: “Take me, Chuck Bass.  I’m yours!”

CHUCK: “Do you come with a refund policy?” 

As Dan rambles on about how Serena has evilly banished him to outsider status by singlehandedly killing his movie deal, Chuck offers him some tough love.  Basically, he tells his Fro-haired friend that if he wants to stop being an Outsider, he should stop painting himself as one, and start doing something with his life, aside from moping about Serena, and writing bad fanfiction.

To prove his point, Chuck hires two of his favorite hookers to bone Dan (  . . . . in Nate’s bedroom of course), while Chuck, once again, heads out to walk his dog.  Now, THAT’S friendship!

But when Chuck returns, the hookers inform him that drunk Dan abandoned their asses, and is off to crash Blair’s wedding shower, and make a TOTAL ASS of himself, in the process.

*Sigh*  Poor Chuck!  All he wanted to do was get high and admire Keanu Reeves black leather pants and wooden dialogue delivery.  Now, he’s gotta babysit a Drunk Humpty Humphrey AND witness his soul mate’s celebration of her upcoming nuptials to someone who is NOT HIM and not human.

Meanwhile, Blair and Louis-bot  have just arrived at the shower.  And Blair is pleasantly surprised to find that it isn’t a casual Greek food truck e-vite type event at all!  In fact, it’s a TIFFANY-themed party, which pretty much confirms for Blair that her bestie Serena, knows her and loves her more than anyone else (except for maybe, Chuck).  She has her best interests at heart, after all!  (Take that, Louis-bot!)

“How does one say, ‘I told you so,’ in Robot?” 

Serena is wearing a weird pink gift wrap ribbon in her hair.   Also, her dress vaguely resembles a bunch of crumbled up pieces of the comic strip section of the New York Times, which have been hastily taped together around her ass.

But that doesn’t stop her from giving a really sweet and heartfelt speech in Blair’s honor . .  . a speech that reminds us, once and for all, that, at it’s core, this is a show about friendship.  “It is a true honor, just knowing you, B.  You have become the strong confident princess I always knew you would,” says Serena, which, I must admit brought a tear or two to my eye.

As did the dead birds these girls were wearing in their hair . . .

By the way, WHERE THE HELL IS DOROTA?!!!

Oh, but lest we think this is a normal bridal shower, thrown by one best friend for another, Serena does something to remind us that, though it may be Non Judging, the Non Judging Breakfast Club, is, in fact, better than we are, because they are MUCH MUCH RICHER.  At most bridal showers, the party favors are things like lame t-shirts with the bride-to-be’s name on it, or cheap ceramic mugs, with her picture on it.   Not in the Upper East Side.  For B’s Bridal Shower, everybody gets a Tiffany’s box, and one lucky person gets a TIFFANY RING.

The ring winner ends up being Cinderliar herself, Faux Charlie . . . which is probably a good thing, considering she’s going to need to hock that swaggy piece of jewelry to pay off her creepy stalker of an ex-boyfriend.

Meanwhile, everyone at Blair’s party has just gotten wind of the publication of the Gossip Girl source e-mail.  And now they are all mad at the Guest of Honor for all the awful things she sent to Gossip Girl about THEM!

But I only spread all those nasty rumors about you, because I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!  (Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.)” 

A mass exodus ensues.  Then, Blair, being Blair immediately blames SERENA for doing the deed, just to RUIN THE PARTY SHE THREW.  (Really, Blair?  Really?)  She claims that she and Serena were never really friends, after all.

Then, she finds out that her cyborg boyfriend was the one who leaked the sight (to show Blair how evil her friends were, or whatever), and feels like total sh*t for all the awful crap she just said to Serena, after Serena worked her comic-strip covered ass off to throw her the best party ever.  Blair then confronts Louis-bot about what a horrible human being he is, and FINALLY begins to wonder whether she is making the wrong decision by marrying him.

(Blair, a word of advice to you: if it walks like a robot, and talks like a robot, and acts like an assh*le, you probably shouldn’t marry it.)

First she proves to Louis, using the GG site HE posted, that it was HIS sister, and not one of her friends that sent the blast about the paternity test.  Then, she tells him that she needs time to think about the status of their already in the toilet relationship.  “Look, people are leaving, perhaps, you should join them,” Blair insists, and it’s the SECOND most awesome thing she says all episode.

(We’ll get to the first, in just a bit . . .)

In the midst of all this, a drunken Dan crashes the party, while sipping freely from a flask he stole from Chuck’s apartment, bearing the latter’s initials on it’s front.

“Hello GG Extras, would any of you, by chance, be interested in having sex with a drunk,not-particularly-famous, author in an elevator?” 

Chuck initially thinks that Dan is coming to tell off Serena.  So, he’s more than a bit surprised, when the Donut starts blathering on to Blair, wondering why she didn’t invite him to her party, when he wrote such super things about her, and her prowess in the sack, in his fanfiction.

“Yourrrrr soooo boootiful, Blairr!” 

“Why is everyone talking to me in Robot, today!”

Blair looks utterly confused throughout the entire slurred speech.  But, fortunately, for Dan, Chuck pulls him out of the party, before he can make TOO big of an ass of himself, by, say . . . vomiting on Blair’s dress . . .

Things get even more adorable, when Dan slumps down on the stoop of a random brownstone, and Chuck, being the good friend that he is, deigns to sit down next to him there (possibly soiling his designer pants), in a show of brotherly solidarity.  “I told you to get some ass, not to make one of yourself . . . by antagonizing Blair at her own shower,” Chuck explains.  “Clearly, you are in love with her.”

“Moi?” 

Donut Dan initially looks a bit dumbfounded by this accusation (then again, that’s probably just his Drunk Face), but can’t really deny it.  Then Chuck explains to him that, since they both lost the woman of their dreams to the Evil Louis-bot, they are really BOTH outsiders, in this situation.  Chuck then, more or less, carries Dan’s drunk ass back to the Hotel Empire, settles him down on the couch, and puts a blanket over his farmer flannel and weird hair, thereby making the world a safer place for men’s fashion.

Sweet drunky dreams, Donut Dan! 

In all seriousness, it’s a super sweet thing to do . . .

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And, fortunately, for Chuck, someone very special is there to witness it . . .

You see, when Blair came with her tail between her legs to apologize to Serena for the whole Accusing Her of Ruining Her Shower Thing, Serena, who has always been as much Team Chair as the rest of us, made sure to let Blair know that Chuck came to her shower to save it from Dan’s drunken antics.

So, Blair, of course, cannot resist paying the true love of her life a visit.  The look on Chuck’s face, when he turns around and sees her standing in his apartment says it all.

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On one hand, he’s totally and completely enamored with her, and probably wants nothing more than to take her in his arms, rip off her dress, and make sweet, sweet love to her, right on top of Donut Dan’s drunk ass.  On the other hand, Chuck truly believes he’s lost her already.  So, having to face her, and be tempted like this, when he’s trying so hard to be a better man for her, seems like a cruel, cruel twist of fate.  “You shouldn’t have come here,” he says to her sadly.

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“I know,” replies Blair solemnly, as she looks at Chuck with just as much love and adoration in her eyes, as she did that first time he managed to utter those important three words, eight letters to her.

It is like she is really seeing him . . . or, rather, the man he has become, for the first time.

“You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?”  She asks.

AWWWW YEAH!

Then, they eye f*&k, the credits roll, and I melt into a little happy Chair-infused puddle on my couch.  Those Naughty GG writers, always saving the best moments of the show until 8:58 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.  But, of course, that’s why we love them . . .

Care to relive the magic?  Here you go!

You’re welcome! 

And hey, if the trailer’s for next week’s installment are any indication, there’s a whole lot more Chairy goodness where that came from.  You can check out the American and Canadian trailers for “Rhodes to Perdition” right here:

Good lord, I swear, Ed Westwick gets hotter, every week . . .

I literally drooled  all over my keyboard watching that American promo (which, surprisingly enough, I actually preferred to the Canadian one, this time around.  Go figure!).

So, what did you think of “All the Pretty Sources.”  Did Drunken Dan make you laugh?  Did Chivalrous Chuck make you melt?  Are you glad that Blair is finally coming to her senses about Louis-bot?  Do you honestly believe that Nate never sent a single piece of intel to Gossip Girl?  Are you sorry to see Diana go?   Do you wish Faux-Charlie, or Max McPoorPerson went with her?

Let me know in the Comments Section.  Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Mask of the Red (Hot) Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Big Sleep No More”

[Note: For those of you waiting for a Mash-off Gleecap, I PROMISE you it’s coming!  (In the words of Mike Chang, “I don’t feel tardy.”)  It’s been a rather crazy week.  But the recap is already underway, and I promise to have it to you before midnight tonight.  Please forgive me for my lameness. ;)]

“To tongue Blair, or not to tongue Blair . . . that is the question.” 

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl . . . Chuck Bass proved himself to be a Changed Man (yet, still a VERY good kisser) . .

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“Still studly, after all these seasons . .  .”

.. Blair exhibited her true feelings, as the lady who doth protest WAY too much . . .

“I don’t love Chuck Bass, anymore.  The fact that I dream about him every night.  And spend every waking minute thinking about and cyberstalking him is just pure coincidence.”

 Nate revealed himself as the sex toy who uses his brain WAY too little . . .

Nate has something on his mind . . . *insert cricket sounds here*

Charlie / Ivy got kind of slutty, and, in doing so, may have inadvertently exposed her true identity (whatever THAT is!) .  . .

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Never . . . gets . . . old.

Diana displayed her true colors, as the all-knowing fairy tale villainess we always suspected she might be  . . .

You give love (and tabloid journalism) a bad name. 

Dan Humpty Dumpty became the literary equivalent of MySpace . . .

and Serena . . . well Serena, really didn’t do much of anything, to be quite honest .  . .

“This blows!” 

Let’s review, shall we?

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream (of Chuck Bass)

Even in dreams, Chuck can give Blair an O . . .

Now, usually, I DESPISE Blair’s black-and-white, uber cheeseball dream sequences.  However, since the one that kicked off this episode, featured a super snazzy looking, Chuck Bass, in a white suit (an outfit, VERY few men can pull off, by the way). .  .

*wipes drool from corner of mouth*

 . . .  and was the writers not-particularly-subtle way of showing that Blair still has feelings for Chuck, and secretly regrets her decision to marry her cyborg fiance . . .

 . . .  I had much more tolerance for this particular dream sequence, than I would otherwise. Basically, the dream sequence is as follows . . . Blair is on a balcony of some sort looking for Louis-bot  . . .

 . . .  but finds Chuck instead . . .

. . . Chuck gallantly offers Blair a drink, but because she is worried that once she gets liquor in her system she will rip off all  of Dream Chuck’s clothing and ravage him she declines.  So, he, instead, volunteers to help her find Louis-bot, an offer she dubiously accepts . . .

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But as Blair accepts Chuck’s hand to help her off the balcony, she falls into his arms, and wakes with a start, not to mention the female equivalent of a hard-on . . . 

“Dream almost-sex with Chuck, beats real sex with Louis-bot, any day (and twice on Sunday).”

Trying in vain to convince herself that Chuck’s Epic Apology to her for EVERYTHING that went wrong in their relationship EVER is fake, so that she can stop fantasizing about him all the time, Blair commadeers Dorota for a nice leisurely walk through the Park.  Hmm . . . Now, I wonder, why, of all places, she would choose to go to the PARK?

This LIVE image on Gossip Girl’s website couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her decision.  Could it?”

Dorota is SOOOO on to you, Queen B!

Put Down the Duckie (I Wanna Get Lucky)

“You aren’t the only one who cares about the city’s duck population, Chuck.  See this feather on my hat?  It’s from a REAL mallard.”

Blair pretends to be TOTALLY surprised and annoyed, when she comes upon Chuck, engaged in a Photo Op,  after rescuing a cute little quacker from Death by Dog . . .

Who has a pointy beak, and is a Total Chair Fan?  THIS GUY!

 Arguments between Chuck and Blair always contain within them an undercurrent of sexual tension, and this time is no exception.  Whether they are trading barbs about Duck la Orange, or screwing behind a tree . . .

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 . . .  whenever these two are within ten feet of one another, they both just can’t help, but be turned on . . .

And yet, what’s unnerving Blair most about this conversation, in particular, is that, Chuck isn’t actually fighting with her, this time.  Rather, he’s being the perfect gentleman, ceding to every demand and accusation that Blair makes, no matter how ridiculous it might be . . .

“Even though you are being particularly annoying, in this episode.  I still love you more than life itself.”

One of the best parts of the scene, for me at least, was when Blair noted angrily that SHE had “custody” of the Duck Pond, based on the Treaty of 2010.  Remember the Chuck / Blair treaty from last season?  You know, the one they spent hours writing, and eventually tore up, shortly before they started banging one another pretty much, nonstop, for about four glorious consecutive weeks . . .

Ahhh .  . . memories.

Following the extremely sexually frustrating Duck Pond experience, Blair becomes more determined than ever to prove that Chuck is still the same old self-destructive bad boy, he’s always been.  Blair’s super silly evil genius plan to bring out “Bad Chuck”, which is actually remarkably similar to the one the therapist attempted (and FAILED), is to provoke him with something he HATES, and hope that he lashes out, like he often would in “olden days.”  Blair even makes a hilarious Venn Diagram to help her achieve her goal . . .

Things Chuck Hates . . . by Blair Waldorf.

But when Serena informs Blair that Chuck is hosting a charity event at the city’s mask-wearing theater production of Sleep No More, the Queen Schemer comes up with a way better plan to bring out the so-called REAL Chuck, than merely slipping him non-top shelf Scotch . . .

“I KNOW!  I’ll seduce him, and get him to kiss me.  And I won’t enjoy the feeling of his tantalizingly luscious lips pressing against mine, at all.  No sir!  This is all in the name of psychological research . . .”

Welcome to the Bargain Bin, Dan Humphrey!

And for his next magic trick, the Great Dan-zini will make the entire world forget that he exists . . .

As frustratingly unrealistic I always found Dan’s meteoric rise to fame, mere weeks, after some chump was hard-up enough for  ideas to publish his Alternate Universe Dair fanfiction, I actually found THIS part of his storyline incredibly realistic.  (And funny!  Yes, I realize that this makes me a bad person.  And no, I don’t care.)

So, last week, Dan’s book was dropped completely from the New York Times’ Best Seller’s List, after spending a mere week at Number 9 (just below Kim Kardashian’s autobiography, I suspect).

Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall (of books).  Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.

This week, he went out on a book signing tour, and NOBODY SHOWED UP . . .  It’s NOT FUNNY, OK?

Actually, this says more about that Alexandra chick being a LAME publicist than it does about Donut Dan.  I mean, don’t GOOD publicists usually PAY people to show up at book signings, to prevent the author from looking like a TOTAL LOSER?  Just a thought .  . .

“That Alexandra chick is DEAD TO ME (or, at least, she will be, if she ever returns my calls).”

But instead of sucking it up, and actually being proud of his having a book published, AND making the Best Seller List by age 20, something 99% of the world never accomplishes, Dopey Dan has to go b*tch and moan about being a failure, and skip out on the remainder of his book tour obligations.  He does this, despite his Dad’s super-inspirational “I Too Was Once a Loser Rocker . . . But Eventually I Became a Has-Been, Instead” speech . . .

I know I’m being harsh (I’m ALWAYS harsh when it comes to the Dopey Donut, aren’t I?).  But as someone who would literally KILL for a chance at having Dan’s so-called writing career, his attitude offends me deeply . . .

Speaking of folks whose fifteen minutes of fame, might be up . . .

Serena  vanDerWHO?

“Oh, look!  How clumsy of me!  I’ve accidentally / on purpose bumped into my next prospective sexual conquest.  (Because THAT doesn’t happen once a week, on this show.)”

Honestly, I don’t have very much to say about Serena’s storyline this week . . . if you could even call it that.  Last week, if you recall, the EEEEVVVILL Diana pretty much got Serena fired from her last job, so that the Manhattan socialite could work for HER, blogging about her life.  Serena eventually accepted the position, only to realize that, without a boyfriend, or an actual job, or any real hobby, aside from shopping, she doesn’t really have a life to write about . . .

“Time to start hooking again, I guess.”

Demonic Diana spends half of the episode using Charlie / Ivy /  “Call Me Serena” to convince Serena to “continue” blogging, because she needs her to “take down Gossip Girl.”  (More on what she does with the other half of the episode, in a bit.)  First she has faux-Charlie try to convince Serena to make this random guy she meets on the street, miss a job interview, just so she can write about the “romantic afternoon they spent together.”  (This Random Guy actually ends up being Charlie / Ivy / “Call Me Serena’s” ex, but we’ll get to that soon enough.)

It is no accident that the wardrobe department has dressed me in a blue collar . . .

Then, Diana organizes a date between these two future lovebirds, and then makes sure they can’t meet up, so that Gossip Girl posts a mean blast about how LAME Serena has become.  Unfortunately Diana, lame is probably one of the mildest offenses Gossip Girl has lobbed against S.  So, she’s not all that angry about it, actually.  But, just when all hope seems lost, Diana gets Gossip Girl to write something about faux-Charlie going “Call Me Serena” bonkers again.  And THIS pisses Serena off enough to agree to help Diana take that GG b*tch DOWN!

Personally, I always saw Serena as more of a Tumblr-type gal, myself . . . 

You know, as much as I rank on Serena’s promiscuity, shallowness, and chronic self-absorption, I have to say that I admire how protective, generous and oddly maternal she is with Faux-Charlie.  It almost makes me feel bad about her being TOTALLY played for a fool, by this perky con artist . . . almost.

Sharlie?  Sivy?  Scall Me Serena? 

That’s Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena BUSTED, to you!

Oh, please don’t photograph me on my left side.  I hate my left side.”

Silly Faux-Charlie!  You should know better than to mess with Demonic Diana and her Adorably Brainless Boyfriend Nate!

“Look at my life-sized puppet.  I pull his hair, and he talks.  I pull his leg, and he dances.  I pull his weiner and he .  . .”

Diana and Faux-Charlie were having a wonderful blackmailer / blackmailee relationship, up until Faux-Charlie had to go and make out with Nate in public, last week, forcing Diana to take her not-so relationship with the beautiful hunk of meat, public, something she didn’t necessarily want to do . . .

“Sh*t!  Now I’m going to be known as a cougar, my entire life.  I knew I should have went out with Hugh Hefner, instead.”

Then, Faux-Charlie moves even HIGHER on Diana’s Poopy List, by allowing Gossip Girl to catch her kissing Nate in public, AGAIN!  Last time, she did it to “win a contest.”  This time she supposedly did it to “avoid having a run-in with the boyfriend she ditched, back in LA, who knows her true identity.”

“Tastes even better, the second time around.”

Sure, Charlie!  We believe you!

 So, Diana manipulates a SUPER Gullible Faux-Charlie, and an even MORE Gullible Nate to attend Chuck’s charity event together.  There, Diana uses the masks all the guests at the function are required to wear, and Max’s barely there physical resemblance to Nate, to get Faux-Charlie to swap spit with her Ex, while Nate is watching . . .

“Call me Serena.”

“Call me Nate.”

“OMG!  Charlie is kissing me AGAIN.  She must really like me.  Oh, wait . . . that can’t be me.  I’m standing right here, and I definitely don’t feel any lips on my face.”

“Twenty-year old weiner . . . here I come . . . AGAIN”

I don’t know, if someone told YOU to make out their boyfriend, wouldn’t you be a little skeptical?  And don’t even get me started on the fact that Faux-Charlie seemed to stare at Max for a full THREE SECONDS, before making out with him, and STILL claimed she thought he was Nate.

Speaking of Nate, he’s not much better . . . falling in love with every girl who sticks her tongue down his throat, and always believing whatever b.s. these con artists whisper in his ear, at the expense of common sense . . .

It’s hard to hate on all this pretty, though .  . .

Outside of the event, Max tells Faux – Charlie they are TOTALLY dunzo.  And then Diana adds insult to injury by firing her, and sending a blast of her face to Gossip Girl, which Max just so happens to see, providing him a hint that his thieving girlfriend might very well suffer from multiple personality disorder . . .

“Wow, what a small world!  That crazy Charlie chick looks JUST like my ex-girlfriend!”

This storyline concludes with Diana making up with Nate at 8:58, as she has done in every single episode, for the past four weeks . . .

DIANA: “Talk about deja-vu!”

NATE: “Deja-who?  I thought your name was Diana.”

Then, in a bizarre plot twist, we learn that Diana was actually hired by Nate’s GRANDFATHER to rehabilitate his tarnished image . . . Um, yeah, because nothing says professionalism and good breeding, like a twenty-year old rich kid who sort-of / kind-of / just barely works for sleazy tabloid, and f*&ks his friend’s mom . . .

“Hey!  I’m not here to judge.  If I was still capable of getting it up, I’d probably be doing the same thing.”

And now, for my FAVORITE part of the evening . . .

Lips Don’t Lie (or do they?)

I know . . . I know . . . as a Good Chair Fan, I’m supposed to be unhappy about this scene, because of the dubious circumstances that gave rise to it, and how it ended up.  But none of that can take away the fact that CHUCK AND BLAIR MADE OUT THROUGHOUT AN ENTIRE COMMERCIAL BREAK (roughly three minutes)!  That’s a HUGE deal, in my book.  And, if at all possible, the seduction scene that led up to this kiss, was even hotter than the kiss itself!

Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

Whew!  *fans self*  Sure, it ended in a slap.  And, yes,  it started, merely because Blair wanted to prove to herself that Chuck hadn’t really changed.  But the sexual chemistry between Chuck and Blair in this scene was extremely real, as far as I’m concerned.

Blair and Chuck know one another so well, sexually, that it is ridiculously easy for them to turn each other on.  As we can see in the above clip, Blair is extremely successful at getting Chuck all hot and bothered, by allowing him a whiff of her perfume, exposing her neck to him, and tantalizing him with Red Hots.  I, for one, don’t believe, for a second, that the look of barely concealed eroticism on Chuck’s face is just acting . . . nor is the small moan of pleasure Blair lets escape her lips, when he first pulls her in for that deep, long, and luscious, liplock . . .

“That was so hot, I think my water just broke.”

So, after whacking Chuck in the face, Blair escapes, content with the faux-knowledge that Chuck hasn’t changed.  Now, she won’t have to regret her decision to marry a weird-accented, evil robot, EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.  HOORAY!  Fat Chance!

What we find out later, of course, is that Dorota asked Chuck to give in to Blair’s kiss, for this precise reason . . . so that Blair can be . . . HAPPY?  with LOUIS?  Isn’t that like an oxy-moron, or something?

Or . . . perhaps, more appropriately, a LOUIS-MORON?

My personal thoughts about whether what Dorota and Chuck did was actually the RIGHT choice for Blair, doesn’t lessen my admiration for Chuck, for his performing, what may very well have been his most selfless and genuinely good-hearted act . . . since back in high school, when he orchestrated Blair’s Prom Queen victory, despite the fact that she was dating Nate, at the time . . .

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Apparently, a leopard CAN change his spots . . . but he can never change his heart.

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And that was “The Big Sleep No More” in a nutshell.  But try not to feel too down in the dumps about it . . .

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After all, I have it on good authority, that Blair won’t be able to keep herself away from Chuck too much longer.  Don’t believe me?  Check out this Canadian promo for next week’s GG installment, which is entitled “All the Pretty Sources.”

Oh, and here’s the not nearly as much fun American promo (though, admittedly, Drunken Dan might prove to be amusing) . . .

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Rise of Evil Louis-bot – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “I Am Number Nine”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  First off, though I most certainly missed posting this recap by November 7th, I wanted to take this super special opportunity to wish you a Very Happy Limoversary.  Not sure what a Limoversary is, GG fans?  Well, I’ll give you a hint . . .

That’s right, GG’ers, four-years ago today, Chuck and Blair were getting busy in the backseat of one very lucky limo.  And despite all the time that has passed, I’m still 100% convinced that this scene remains one of the best television love-making scenes of ALL TIME.  Don’t believe me?  Well, then I suggest you give it another look .  . . for old time’s sake . . . of course. 😉

To this day, every time I hear the song “With Me,” by Sum 41, it still makes me a little tingly .  . . which is probably why it remains on high rotation on my iPod, over four years after it was released . . .

While the GG writers regretably did not pay direct homage to this Chair-gasmic moment, in “I Am Number Nine,” it is sort of fitting that this episode aired on Limoversary.  In fact, it could be easily argued that Episode 6 has allowed Chuck and Blair to come full circle in their relationship from where they were on that fateful, November 7, 2007.

Just as that split second, when Chuck turned toward Blair in the limo, and asked her, “Are you sure?” catapulted the pair from sexually-tense frenemies into the Glorious Abyss of Genuine Coupledom .  . . so too did Chuck’s Epic Apology Speech this week provide a clean slate for the pair . . . enabling them to start fresh.  And this moment, Chair fans — much like the Limo Scene that preceded it — is one we will inevitably look back on as the event that ultimately enabled Chuck and Blair to form an even more perfect union than the one they once had . . .

Speaking of weddings, Blair, apparently still thinks she’s having one with Louis-bot . . .

And that means she’s gotta get herself a bridesmaid . . .

So ya wanna be a bridesmaid?

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(OK . . . what exactly is Blair wearing on her head, here?  Because it vaguely resembles a man’s jockstrap?)

I’m not going to say too much about Blair’s Fierce Minion Bridesmaid Competition, since about 98% of the scenes relating to this storyline appeared in the CW promos for the episode.  (See, and this is why I always prefer Canadian Promos!  Riddle me this, American Promo Writers: Why on Earth, would you promote a television program, by only showing scenes from one, rather insignificant and not particularly entertaining portion, of an upcoming episode?)

While I’m in a gripey mood, let me continue on this whiny track, for just a few more moments.  Now, I understand that there can be only one Maid of Honor at Blair’s wedding.  And that honor should absolutely go to Serena.

Friends that lay together . . . stay together. 

But, who the heck told her she had to limit herself to ONE bridesmaid?  Is that a Royal Wedding Thing?  Because, from where I come from, women who through large weddings can have up to eight bridesmaids.  And this means ALL of Blair’s minions could have easily been included in the wedding.  (And besides, more bridesmaids, means a better Bachelorette Party and Bridal Shower, both of which we all know Blair wants very much.)

“It would take all three of us to afford you a really good stripper for your Bachelorette Party.  But, since we didn’t win the competition, you will be stuck with THIS GUY . . . “

Also . . . Crazy CHARLIE/Ivy/Call Me Serena?  SHE’S Blair’s choice for Bridesmaid?   Really?  It would have made more sense, if Blair selected DAN!  At least he actually talks to her, on occasion . .  (Plus, I hear he looks mighty pretty in a dress.)

“Why do you keep picking on me, Recapper?   What did I ever do to you?” 

(Sorry, Dan.  You just have a habit of posing for a lot of really ridiculous screencaps.  I can’t help but use them against you.)

That said, it was fun to reunite with the minions again (minus Nelli Yuki, of course).  Puss Face Penelope, in particular, has always been a minion, near and dear to my heart.

As for the Bridesmaid Competition itself, my favorite part, I think was when Blair yelled “cover that baby bump,” to her prospective bridesmaids, as they fumbled with a mannequin version of Blair, and one of the minions (I think it was Jessica) said, “What Baby Bump?”

It’s true.  When are they going to start putting the basketball up Blair’s designer dress, so that she actually looks to be with child . . . Lately, all it seems like all they are doing differently with her, is making her dress a tad more grandma-like, than usual.  (See outfit above.)  And wearing grandma clothes does  not a baby mama make . . .

For the record, I’m pretty sure, my grandmother actually owned this shirt. 

Anywhoo  . . . after the girls braved the “physical portion” of the competition, the second part, involved attending the episode’s “Party of the Week,” and being the first to kiss the Most Eligible Bachelor in attendance.  And I bet you will never guess who THAT was?

Nope . . . guess again!

It’s NATE ARCHIBALD! 

To make a long story short, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena ends kissing Nateypoo first.  And, as a result, she  is the one that ultimately wins with the so-called coveted position of Blair’s bridesmaid.  (This is only after Penelope accidentally FALLS into a member of the waitstaff, an infraction that apparently merits instant bridesmaid disqualification.)

Actually . . . these two look kind of cute together.  Don’t you think? 

Now, how Faux Charlie got herself into this unique predicament, is another story entirely . . .

Catch a Cougar by the Toe

While I enjoy Elizabeth Hurley has an actress, and think her character Diana has become a fun little, pot-stirring, addition to the cast, I can’t say I’m all that enthused about her “relationship” with Nate.

“Would you like me to sing you a lullabye, before I kiss your winkie, goodnight?” 

I mean, really, how many times can a person screw on a wooden desk top, before it starts getting boring .  . . (not to mention, all those painful ass splinters).

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Yes, Chuck . . . we KNOW!

 For me, more interesting than anything Diana had to do involving Nate and Faux-Charlie this week, was her surprising decision to help Serena out with HER problems (more on those later), and, of course, her awkward little meeting with Chuck.  (“You look very familiar . . . MOM!”)  I’m just glad he didn’t hit on her, because that would have REALLY made me gag.

“Excuse me, you look very familiar.  Have you ever breast fed me?”

But back to Diana and Nate . . . It’s the eve of the launch party for Diana’s online Gossip Rag, The Spectator.  Nate is suddenly SUPER interested in him and Diana taking their “relationship” public, as opposed to just f*&king on all PUBLIC surfaces.  In fact, he takes things one step further, by insisting Diana take HIM as her date to the launch party.  But Diana isn’t having it, and makes some lame excuse about not mixing business with pleasure.

“But mixing business with pleasure is the only reason I took this job.  You didn’t think I actually wanted to WORK, did you?” 

Then Diana makes the mistake of having Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena and Nate deliver her party invitations for her.  Faux Charlie inevitably bails on her invitation delivery, opting instead to participate in Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition. (She hopes to cover the Blouis Nover Going to Happen Royal Wedding, first hand, for the Spectator.)  This results in Nate, picking up her slack, and ultimately delivering an invitation to Diana’s ACTUAL date to the party, and sort-of boyfriend, the much more age appropriate, but decidedly less attractive, “Keith.”

“I’d tell you off, right now, but I have about 30 marshmallows in my mouth . . .” 

Nate, of course, is furious (or, at least, as furious as his baby brain cells allow him to be).  And Faux Charlie, who knows nothing about Nate screwing Diana (though, honestly, I don’t see how anyone in the Upper East Side could NOT know, given what massive sluts these two are), and thinks only that Nate is hung up on some random girl, decides to use Nate’s heartbroken-ness to win Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition, by gallantly offering to go to the Spectator Launch Party as Nate’s date, to help make his lady love jealous.

The plan works.  Faux Charlie successfully shoves her tongue down Nate Archibald’s throat (Hmmm . . . I wonder if she got a contact high from that?) right in the middle of Diana’s Big Launch Party Speech (RUDE!)  Seeing Nate kiss another woman clearly has an effect on Diana, who stops mid speech to gawk at the not-so-couple.

“Call me, Diana.” 

But Diana gets her revenge later by (1) calling out Faux Charlie for only kissing Nate as part of a “game;” (2) ultimately, deciding to go public with her relationship with the guy who is LITERALLY young enough to be her son, on HER website, of all places;

and (3) threatening Faux Charlie to keep her grimy imposter paws off her Nateypoo, or else she will reveal the Faker’s true identity . . .

Game, Set, Match.  Diana: 1 / Faux-Charlie: 0

The Only Thing Dan Will Ever Have in Common with Mark Zuckerberg . . .

“It’s all in the hair . . .” 

Who knew there was such a commercial market for Dair Fanfiction?  Apparently, Dan’s book, “The Inside” is number nine on the Best Seller’s list.  But when he meets with Serena’s boss about his writing the screenplay for the film (a condition of his giving her the movie rights), she peppers him with TERRIBLE story demands, like that the movie be made into a musical, and contain a new adorable orphan character, a la Oliver Twist . . . since Dan hasn’t really been the “outsider” he claims to be,  since around the second episode of Season 1 . . .

“Come on, Dan!  Haven’t you always been looking for an excuse to showcase your kickass dance moves?”

Donut Dan — who undoubtedly had dreams of Ryan Gosling playing his character — balks at the idea, and storms out in a huff.  (Wow, it didn’t take long for HIM to become a DIVA.)  Enter Serena, who convinces Dan to give up the idea of writing the screenplay, because he’s “too close to the subject matter.”  Besides, he should be planning his second novel . . . which, undoubtedly, will be another Dair fanfiction .  . .  Serena then promises to look out for Dan’s best interest, with respect to the screenplay for Inside, which, if we all know Serena, inevitably means, she’s about to let him down . . .

“Not to worry, GG fans, there are OTHER ways I can satisfy Dan.  I’ve been told I have a mouth like a hoover.

Enter Serena’s b*tchy boss.  As it turns out, she never planned on letting Dan write the screenplay after all.  And had brought up all those lousy story ideas on purpose, just to scare him off of the project.  She’s had Aaron Sorkin lined up to write the thing, all along!  Go figure!

This, of course, makes Serena feel like total crap, for the unwitting part she played in selling her ex-boyfriend down the river.  But she feels like even WORSE crap, when she learns that it is her boss’ intention to make Dan’s thinly veiled character the VILLAIN of the piece, a la Mark Zuckerberg’s character in the social network.

OH THE HORROR!

Honestly, I don’t see what the big fuss is about over this?  Dan, himself, said that his character was selfish, self-absorbed, and uber judgmental.  So, what’s the big deal, if the film about the movie portrays him as such.  After all, wasn’t it Dan, himself, who argued for his ability to take “creative license” in making all his friends and family look like crap in HIS book.  By “Zuckerberg-ing” Dan, wouldn’t Aaron Sorkin and co., just be returning the favor?

Just saying . . .

Nevertheless, Serena is desperate to keep her promise to Dan.  And she finds help in doing that, from the most unlikely of sources . . . DIANA.  Apparently, Diana has some dirt on Serena’s boss, that’s simply too juicy to be avoided.  With the snap of Diana’s fingers, she gets Serena’s boss to kill the film project.  Unfortunately, this also has the effect of getting Serena fired, which, of course, is exactly what Diana intended.

“I talk like a phone sex operator, and scheme like a soap opera villainess.  You can learn a lot from me, S.” 

If this was an HBO show, these two would definitely be doing one another . . .

You see, Diana somehow believes that her BIGGEST competition in the media market, is some pimply-teen named Gossip Girl, who runs a free website, which details the lives of the same five people every day.  And Diana hopes to run this girl out of business, by hiring Serena to write her own autobiographical blog for the Spectator.  (That’s funny.  I didn’t know Serena could write . . .)

And if this first blog entry is any indication, SHE CAN’T! 

Serena is hesitant at first.  However, she loves the idea of letting the public know the REAL her, and ultimately accepts.

“XOXO, THIS, Gossip Girl!”

The only problem is that Humpty Humphrey is a selfish bastard, and, upon learning his precious film project has been killed, blames SERENA for doing this on purpose so that SHE won’t look bad on film.  Sorry, Serena!  No good deed goes unpunished.

But hey, at least Dan’s lame book isn’t on the Best Seller List, anymore!  Better luck season, buddy!

“Hey, now we’re both has-beens!” 

And now, finally, the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . . Well, at least it’s the storyline I was most eager to recap . . .

The Incredible Shrink-ed Chuck

Look at me . . . all evolved, and surrounded by books that aren’t porno magazines . . .”

Haha.  I love how Louis-bot went from Soggy Sponge to Cheesy Cartoon Super Villain, in the matter of one week.  I guess the GG writers thought we needed to see Louis-bot as evil, so that we would know he wasn’t the right man for Blair.  But, come on!  Give us fans a little credit!

“With a name like Blouis . . . it has to suck!” 

We’ve always known that Louis-bot isn’t the right man for Blair.  For starters, he ISN’T CHUCK! He’s also a FRIGGIN ROBOT!  So, there’s really no need to underestimate our intelligence, by temporarily turning Louis-bot into a mustache twirling cretin, for the sake of this plot.

*Insert evil, heavily accented, laugh here* 

Nevertheless,the story begins with Chuck describing to his new therapist his surprisingly phallic dream about chasing some unattainable skyscraper.  (Somehow, when I used to picture Chuck’s dreams, I always figured they would regularly feature various instances of sex with Blair . . . well hoped they would, is more accurate.

Dream a little dream of us . . . 

 Though Chuck immediately assumes that the skyscraper represents the unattainable love of his supposedly departed parents, Lady Shrink thinks his subconscious is hiding some deeper loss.  *cough Blair cough*

That’s right, boys and girls. Blair is apparently the p*nis-looking architectural structure of Chuck’s fantasies . . .

Chuck knows it . . . his shrink knows it . . . and every single person who has ever watched GG knows it.  It’s just that no one is ready to talk about it quite yet . . .

Lady Shrink leaves the session more than a bit frustrated with her client’s apparent emotional blockage.  Then, out pops Louis-bot and his overtly effeminate umbrella.  Most villains tend to have an evil pet, who they lovingly stroke, while making plans for world domination.  But the umbrella seems a more fitting evil accessory for this cyborg.  Besides, robots usually don’t know how to take care of animals.

OK . . . so, watching the scene again . . . it appears that, Lady Shrink is actually the one holding the girly umbrella, not Louis-bot.  That won’t stop me from pretending it’s his, though.  Because that’s just how I roll . . .

Louis-bot has an EVIL JOB for Lady Shrink to do.  And he pays her to do it, with a big fat envelope of cash, which he hands to her in broad daylight, without any apprehension at all that someone, like say GOSSIP GIRL, could have easily witnessed the exchange.  SUPER VILLAIN FAIL!

I love how, in honor of his new evil persona, Louis-bot has been programmed to speak with a bizarre accent that is twice as incomprehensible as the one he usually uses to utter his dialogue.  I know we are supposed to be terribly frightened by Louis-bot’s maniacal plans to catapult Chuck into Crazy-dom.  And yet,  when the cyborg bleats out things like: “Tuhhhhhn Chack eeentooo tha monzterrr hez beeeeen fur tweenteee yeurz.  Fiynd heez fooze and liiiiiight eet.”   (Translated as: Turn Chuck into the monster he’s been for twenty years.  Find his fuse and light it.) I can’t help but giggle uncontrollably . . .

( . . . which is odd, because I usually find any form of a European accent on a man incredibly attractive . . . French, in particular.)

The next day, Lady Shrink pops by Chuck’s house for an impromptu un-therapy session.  And she immediately starts doing Louis-bot’s bidding, by attempting to invoke anger in Chuck, over his current situation.  “You have to face the fact that you didn’t let Blair go, you lost her to someone else.”  Lady Shrink prods . . . words alone that could have sent the Chuck of Old barrelling into a drunken rage, a season ago . . .

But, rather than lashing out in anger, New Chuck reacts with remorse to Lady Shrink’s accusations.  He even goes as far as to admit to Lady Shrink that, all this time, he’s been holding on to the Harry Winston ring with which he prepared to propose to Blair a couple of seasons ago . . . It’s a romantic gesture, for sure.  But also a symbolically problematic one, since the ring represents the Chuck and Blair of the past.  And, if these two individuals are ever going to find their way back to one another, which, of course, they will, they have to do it, as the individuals they are destined to become, not the ones they used to be.

LADY SHRINK: “I’m so turned on by you, right now.”

CHUCK: “I know.  . .” 

Lady Shrink is visibly affected by Chuck’s highly sentimental gesture, the ease with which he opened up to this sold out shrink, and Chuck’s sincerity toward completing his healing process.  As she leaves the Empire Hotel, Lady Shrink texts Louis-bot to tell him the plan is a no-go.

Louis-bot is FURIOUS that his plans for Blair-domination have, once again, been foiled.  He later accosts Lady Shrink at the dog park, when she tries to return the money-filled envelope to him.  Of course, Chuck is out there walking Monkey at the same time.  (Monkey  = TOTAL CHAIR FAN), and overhears MOST of the conversation.  But New Chuck no longer gets mad, when things don’t go his way, he gets even.

“We’ll show them.  Won’t we, Monkey?” 

At the Spectator Party, where, of course, Lady Shrink is also in attendance, Chuck begins in Old Chuck fashion, by accusing Lady Shrink of using hypnosis to rape him, a notion that really shouldn’t be funny at all, but is funny . . . at least in this context.

Dammit!  He wasn’t supposed to remember that .  . .” 

When Lady Shrink denies it, Chuck tells the truth that Louis-bot has been paying Lady Shrink to reveal confidential information about her and Chuck’s therapy sessions together.

“Clearly, I have been traumatized.  Would anyone here like to give me a hug . . . BLAIR!” 

Upon hearing this announcement, Lady Shrink is embarrassed and disgraced; Blair is furious; and Louis-bot looks like he needs an oil change.  Of course, Diana is thrilled, because this would be a pretty awesome “cover” story for her online tabloid.

BUSTED! 

When Blair confronts Louis-bot about this accusation, he doesn’t deny it,  deciding instead to admit to Blair that he has found the paternity test, which suggested that Blair doubted the her baby was his, and may have been looking for a way out of marrying him.  (No word on the OTHER obvious reason one would get a paternity test . . . that she f*&ked some other guy, at the same time she was f*&king you.)

Ummm . . .  so I guess the paternity test confirms the baby is half-robot, after all.  BUMMER!

Blair makes up some B.S. about wanting them both to have the peace of mind of knowing that they belong together.  Louis responds that he needs Blair to see that Chuck is “wrong for her.”  (Yeah, Louis-bot. Go watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, and try and make that statement again, with a straightface, would you?)

Then Blair accuses Louis-bot of TURNING INTO Chuck, and storms off.  (HE WISHES!)

Lady Shrink redeems herself a bit, at least, in my eyes, by taking the time to tell Chuck how threatened Louis-bot is by Blair’s love for him.  She also admits to him that, even though she tried to provoke him, Chuck chose, instead to actually make her wack-therapy session productive, by letting go of his past.  “Continue down that road, and you may find some kind of peace,” instructs Lady Shrink, as she hands Chuck back his ring.

“Will you marry me, Chuck Bass!”

Aha!  So, Lady Shrink is Team Chair, after all!  It kind of makes me wish Louis-bot wasn’t able to so easily corrupt her, as she probably could have been a REALLY AWESOME therapist for Chuck, under other circumstances.

That night, a man comes to Blair’s house to apologize, and she assumes it’s Louis-bot.  BUT IT’S SOMEONE WAY BETTER!  Watch and learn, GG’ers!

Poignant  . . .touching . . . and absolutely perfect, this scene has secured my fate in a Happily Ever After for Chuck and Blair, even if such an ending might still be very far away.  It was super nice of GG writers to read our blogs, tumblrs and message board comments, about all the unresolved baggage between Chuck and Blair, and address it in one, sweeping, well-acted, by Ed Westwick,  and all encompassing monologue by the inimitable Chuck Bass.

There was an apology for that terrible moment in Chair history, when Chuck struck out at a glass window WAY TOO CLOSE to Blair’s head, upon learning that she was someone else’s fiance . . .

. . . an apology for the missed connection at the Empire State Building, to which Blair arrived, following Dorota’s giving birth, to accept Chuck’s proposal of marriage, only to find him long gone . . .

. . . an apology for Chuck’s trading Blair for a hotel .  . .

. . . an apology for the games Chuck and Blair played with one another throughout much of Season 2,  during which neither felt comfortable saying those very important three words, and eight letters to one another, out of fear of getting their hearts broken . . .

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And, of course, perhaps, most importantly, there was this . . .

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Blair likely didn’t know how much she needed to hear these apologies from Chuck, until she heard them.  And her reaction to these words is a perfect mix of admiration, adoration, acceptance, and sadness.  I simply adore how Chuck told Blair he knew that she would be an amazing mother, because she never gave up on people, even when they deserved it.  I also loved Blair’s subtle admission that she would continue never to give up on Chuck.  And though, it was hard for me to hear as a Chair fan, I was proud of Chuck  for his maturity, in deciding that he would try to live for himself from now on.

And yet, like Blair, I wanted something more.  I wanted Chuck to tell Blair that he still loved her, and would always love her, even if they spent the rest of their lives apart.  Perhaps, it wouldn’t have been the most MATURE thing to say.  And it certainly would have gone against the notion of “closure” Chuck was obviously aiming for, in making this speech.  Yet, I think it would have had a bigger impact on Blair than Chuck thinks it would . . . and would have gone a long way toward getting her out of this sham of a marriage with Louis-bot.

Speaking of Louis-bot, he’s skipped town, so that Blair and him can spend some time apart.  Can I get a HELL-YEAH!

The episode then ends on a horribly depressing note, with Chuck walking to Harry Winston in the rain (no uber-effeminate umbrella for this guy, no sir!) . . .

 . . . and placing that SUPER EXPENSIVE ring on its door step, where surely no one will steal it .  . . after all, this is the Upper East Side, after all.   (Coincidentally, I’m going to Harry Winston, tonight.  Anyone want to join me?)

While “I Am Number Nine,” didn’t exactly end on a high note, next week’s promotion does give us some hope that next week’s episode will be a bit,  lighter, a bit naughtier, a bit maskier, and . . . dare I say . . . a bit CHAIR-IER?

Check out the CW promo here:

Not surprisingly, the Canadian promo is a bit more telling, not to mention, enticing . . .

Am I right?  Or am I right?

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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There Goes My Baby – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fasting and The Furious”

BLAIR: “Your mother is requiring my baby to have an oil change, and a battery recharge, every month?  But that doesn’t make any sense! No human child needs Double D Batteries to live!” 

LOUIS-BOT: *whistles uncomfortably*

(By the way, special  thanks to Home of the Nutty, for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.)

Greetings Upper East Siders!  It’s Yom Kippur in Gossip Girl World, a.k.a. The Day of Atonement, a.k.a. HUNGRY DAY.  What better time could there possibly be to tell your parents that you’ve been knocked up by a robot prince, than when they are too delirious with hunger to be truly disappointed in you for it?  Clearly, this is Blair’s and Louis-bot’s reasoning, when they finally confront their parents with news of Blair’s pregnancy, at the start of the episode.

ELEANOR: “But how is that even possible, Blair?   He’s a robo . . .”

CYRUS: (interrupts) “Now, now Eleanor, there’s no need to be rude toward our cyborg future son-and-law (through his teeth) we don’t want the Queen to have us beheaded.” 

QUEEN SOPHIE: “Yippee.  I always knew you would be a marvelous baby making machine.  You have spectacular child-bearing hips.  That said, you WILL agree to unplug murder the child, in the event that it’s not a boy, right? 

Blair’s and Louis-bot’s gamble, in choosing to reveal this information when they did, actually seems to be a good one.  After all, aside from Blair’s mom’s reminder that Blair hasn’t finished college yet (I’m glad SOMEBODY remembered!), the parental units seem to take the baby news shockingly well.  Of course, this does move up the couple’s wedding plans, just a bit.  “We don’t want another bastard on our hands!” Sophie jokes pointedly.

Hmmm . . . did she mean a bastard, as in a child born to an unwed mother?  Or a BASS-tard?

“I’m Baby Bass.” 

Doing it Doggy Style. . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, the Dan /Chuck /Monkey bro-dog-mance continues . . .

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Apparently, Dan has bought a little gift for Monkey.  It’s a black, shiny S&M collar.  How thoughtful!

“You know, Dan.  If you want to play dirty sex games with me, all you have to do is ask.” 

Upon seeing the naughty collar, Chuck gleefully notes that he knows a lot of women, who would look good in it, which basically means, that a lot of Chuck’s sexual partners have REALLY thick necks . . .

Not you, Blair.  YOUR neck is perfectly proportioned. 

It’s not all that surprising that Dan is showering Chuck and Monkey with sex toys, when you consider that, at this point in the story, Chuck and his trusty canine sidekick are they only people on the show who don’t HATE DAN’S GUTS.  I mean, Dan’s own DAD isn’t even returning his calls, for crying out loud!

“I don’t know why you’re mad, Rufus.  If it weren’t for me, you would never have gotten that job offer to be on Real Househusbands of NYC.” 

Always one to look on the bright side of things, Chuck reminds Dan that, at least now, all his so-called friends and family are ignoring them, because they hate him . . . as opposed to before, when they ignored him, because they didn’t know he existed.   (Good point!)  Someone who DID always seem to know Dan existed was Serena.  And when she calls Dan and invites him out for coffee, the Dopey Donut becomes immediately convinced his days as a Social Pariah are over . . .

Haha!  Sucks for him!

Silly Dan!  Clearly, he hasn’t watched the first four seasons of Gossip Girl.  Because, if he did, he would know that nobody forgives ANYONE on this show, without getting horrible revenge on them for whatever bad thing they’ve done, first.

Meanwhile, Monkey — who clearly takes after his owner — starts sniffing the butt of some seemingly random shrink’s dog . . .

“I’m Monkey Bass . . . and you have a nice ass.” 

This, of course, gives Chuck the “fabulous” idea that he and the lucky shrink should ALSO be sniffing eachother’s butts.  After all, what’s good enough for Monkey is good enough for Chuckie, right?  Shrink Lady immediately assesses Chuck as someone who’s in need of some serious sexual favors psychological help.  So, she offers him her business card.

“For a good time, call . . .” 

Chuck wastes absolutely no time, plopping himself on Shrink-o’s therapy couch, and propositioning her . . .

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Unfortunately, Shrink-o REJECTS HIM!

The way I see it, there can only be three logical reasons for this: (1) she is a lesbian; (2) she is blind; or (3) she watches Gossip Girl, is a huge Chair fan, and isn’t willing to be this season’s Lame Plot Device to keep the happy couple apart . . .

“Hey!  I resemble that remark.” 

Whatever the reason, Chuck ends up leaving his first “therapy session,” with nothing but a $250 invoice, and a pair of these . . .

But, hey, at least he still has Monkey to keep him warm at night . . .

 .  . . which is more than can be said for a certain Dopey Donut . . .

Inside: The Movie (Based on a Best Selling Novel by Humpty Humphrey)

“When I portrayed you in my book as a shallow, drunken, slut, with no redeeming qualities, whatsoever, I meant it in the nicest way possible.”

Having been tasked by her new boss, Cruella Deville, with the assignment of securing the film rights for Dan’s SPECTACULAR novel, Serena is forced to suck up her pride, and invite her ex-boyfriend, F. Scott Fitzjackass, out for coffee. On the surface, Serena seems to play very nice with Dopey Donut.  But, if you watch her closely, you can tell she’s secretly plotting ways to murder him, by lighting his muppet-esque hair on fire .  . .

Dan, of course, is oblivious to all of this, and informally offers Serena the movie rights to his book, without a second thought.  But then, after Dan leaves the shop, his Evil ASS-istant (HATE HER!)  . . .

“Hi Dan.  I’m on my way out to eat some puppies, and smother newborn babies with pillows, but before I do that, let me entice you to do something else that will make your friends hate your guts . . .”

 . .  . calls to tell him that Harvey Weinstein wants the movie rights to Gossip Girl Inside.  So, of course, now Dan’s all “Serena, WHO?”

*insert game show buzzer noise*

Meanwhile, in the storyline that nobody’s cared about for weeks, but, which suddenly got interesting, in the last few seconds of this episode . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah Charlie/Ivy/ Call Me Serena, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blackmail / Spying

“Wake up, Faux Charlie, things are about to get exciting . . . for a change.” 

After information about Diana’s Poor Little Rich People Cell Phone Heist from last week is leaked to Gossip Girl, Diana finds, much to her chagrin, that her tawdry tabloid website cannot go live yet, without making Diana’s illegal deeds TOTALLY obvious to Manhattan’s elite.  Desperate for an alternative news source, Diana propositions both the blackmailed Faux Charlie, and Sex Toy Nate to find out information about their “pals” the Bass’ and Van Der Woodsens.

NATE: “You know, one of these days, I’m going to get a REAL storyline . . . one that doesn’t involve me getting manipulated by the middle-aged guest star my character is currently boning.”

DIANA: “It’s good to have to dreams . . .” 

Back at the Van Der Woodsen Mansion, Moronic Lily inexplicably tells Faux Charlie all about the Big Bad Safe filled with Big Bad Van Der Woodsen and Bass Family Secrets, before leaving with Rufus to attend the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur Thingy.

“I’d gladly leave you the combination to the safe, so that you could break in and use the Top Secret Information contained inside to destroy our lives.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how to count past the number five.” 

Charlie eventually entices Nate to help out with her “devious” plan.  Nate, for his part, secures the combination to the safe from Chuck Bass, who had broken into it with Serena once before.  (And, of course, the Van Der Woodsens didn’t think to change the combination, since then.  HOW IDIOTIC CONVENIENT!)

The combination to the safe ends up being Chuck’s mother’s birthday.  (Remember that . . . because it ends up being important later.)

After opening the safe, and extracting the documents hidden therein, Nate suddenly has a crisis of conscience.  He doesn’t want to deliver the information to Diana, even if it means he’ll never be the next John F. Kennedy, Jr.  (Umm  . . . Nate, next time, you might want to try having a role model who DOESN’T DIE REALLY YOUNG in a FREAK PLANE CRASH!  Just sayin’.).  Nate also reminds Charlie that, because she’s supposedly RELATED to the Van Der Woodsen’s, she probably shouldn’t want to expose their deep dark secrets, EITHER!

“Oh, that’s right.  For a second there, I forgot I was pretending to actually be a member of this f*&ked up, dysfunctional, family.  Thanks for reminding me.” 

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena pretends to return the information to the safe, for Nate’s benefit.  But, of course, she ends up turning it over to Diana, anyway.  Now, HERE is where things finally get interesting . . .

“Don’t you wish every family had a folder conveniently labeled ‘Big Bad Family Secrets?’  It would make the often time-consuming art of successful blackmail SO much more efficient . . .” 

Diana surprises viewers, by actually RETURNING the folders to Faux-Charlie, claiming that none of the information contained within them is remotely newsworthy.  But then, after Faux-Charlie leaves, we see that Diana has kept ONE particular piece of information from Bart Bass’ folder.   It is . . . wait for it . . . a PICTURE OF DIANA from when she was a bit younger . . . like . . . say TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER.  (Now, how old is Chuck Bass again? ;))

Remember how I said that the fact that the combination to Bart’s safe was Chuck Bass’ mother’s birthday was significant?  Is it possible that Diana is Chuck’s long lost mother, once thought to be dead?

Though Diana burned the picture in question, before it could inevitably fall into the wrong hands, I think it’s VERY safe to say that this little tidbit of information is destinted to haunt the Upper East Side, sometime in the very near future . . .

Shrink-Wrapped Bass

Speaking of Chuck, he strikes out with the Good Doctor AGAIN, at the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur thingy.  (This has to be a record for him.)  What’s worse, as a consulation prize to sleeping with her, she decides to give him a free impromptu therapy session, right there in the street.  And the results are NOT pretty . . .

“That will be another $250, thank you for your time.” 

OK.  Now we know, FOR SURE, that the Shrink-o is a huge Gossip Girl fan.  Because she psycho-analyzes poor Chuck to a TEE!  She basically tells him that he never had a childhood, and therefore acts like a child, in all the worst ways.  She then explains to him that he pays for sex, so that he can always be in control.

“Your superficial connections, and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone . . . not just tonight, always.  I wish you all the best.  But you are going to need more than that to lead a happy and normal life,” she concludes.

 “Oh, and while we’re at it, why the heck did you f*&k that Raccoon Zombie, Jenny Humphrey, back in Season 3?  That was SO whack!  And don’t even get me started on that Raina thing . . .”

Wow, Lady!  Why don’t you tell Chuck, how you really feel?

*sniffles* “She was just SO MEAN!  All I wanted to do was give her the best sex she ever had in her long boring life!”

Of course, it seems more than a bit unrealistic that this woman — without being psychic, or spending hours with a Gossip Girl DVD box set — could surmise all of this about Chuck, after reading a few tabloid stories, and spending all of three minutes with him.  But what kept the scene from being completely ridiculous was Ed Westwick’s acting ability.  Watching Chuck take in this all-too-accurate assessment of his personality was pretty darn heartbreaking, as his glib cocky smile, gradually gave way to understanding, and, ultimately, depression . . .

Someone needs a hug . . . 

Westwick’s sublime mastery of this difficult scene almost makes me forget the fact that (1) Chuck came to this EXACT same realization last week, with Lily, making the shrink’s monologue a bit redundant; and (2) there was not a SINGLE Chair scene to be had in this ENTIRE episode . . .  ALMOST.

*silently seething* 

Anywhoo, at the end of the episode, Chuck calls this same shrink, but this time to set up a GENUINE appointment for some much-needed therapy . . .

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And if the CANADIAN PROMO for the next episode is any indication, this psychotherapy is going to have a MAJOR impact on the Chair relationship.  Now, whether that impact ends up being positive or negative, remains to be seen  .  . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Baby-Bot Needs a New Boarding School . . .


In-laws . . . gotta love em!

Tensions run high in the Waldorf household, when Louis-Bot’s Slimy Priest Kissing Wench of a Sister, Beatrice-Bot plants the seed in her mother’s head that Blair might not raise her baby in a way suited for a future Monaco royal heir.  So, Sophie then places a whole bunch of conditions on Blair, requiring her to give birth to the baby in Monaco, and have the baby attend boarding school there.

At first, Blair is appalled by Queen Sophie’s conditions.  But when she turns to her supposed bestie Serena for support, and Serena blows her off, because of WORK problems, of all things . . .

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(That’s funny, when Serena usually blows Blair off, it’s for sex with Random Guest Stars or Nate. . .)

 . . . Blair suddenly and inexplicably becomes convinced that she has NOTHING left for her in NYC (overdramatic much?), and instantly agrees to all of Queen Sophie’s conditions.

But wait . . . it gets worse.  Enter that annoying Tabloid Journalist witch, Diana who might be Chuck’s mom.  Hoping to snag a story for her stupid online Beta version of Gossip Girl, Diana indirectly helps Beatrice to (1) convince her mother that these baby-raising conditions need to be in writing; and (2) somehow insert into this oddball baby-raising contract provisions that are so preposterous even this new Stepford version of Blair won’t be able to agree to them.

“I just have to insert my wanker, into EVERY SINGLE storyline on this show, don’t I?”

The plan goes off, without a hitch of course.  As expected, Blair and her family are severely disturbed by the notion of having to sign this ridiculous contract, which, among other things, prevents Blair from ever spending more than 48 hours in New York, without prior approval of the monarchy.

“But how will I manage to maintain my inevitable marital affair with Chuck Bass, then?  Most of our sex sessions last at least six hours!”

But the biggest shocker, of course, comes from Louis-Bot, who ACTUALLY STANDS UP TO HIS MOTHER, for once.  (Blair has reprogrammed him well.)  When Queen Sophie publicly threatens to disown, and refuse to acknowledge, Louis-Bot, if his soon-to-be wife doesn’t sign the contract, Louis-bot turns around and replies that, as heir to the throne, it is Baby-bot’s decision whether HE (or SHE) chooses to acknowlege HER.  While, I’m not sure that’s true from a political standpoint (After all, what if Baby-Bot is female?  Would she still be more powerful than the reigning Queen?), kudos to Louis-Bot for FINALLY growing a pair . . .

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Well . .  . so much for THAT!

Oh, and Diana got her Big Bad Tabloid story, just in case you cared . . .

Headline of the Day: Royal Robot Wars . . . a.k.a. Real Steel 2, Electric Boogaloo

The altercation led to a very sweet exchange between Blair and her mother, though . . .

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And this, in turn, convinced Rufus to forgive his son for effectively portraying him as a high class male prostitute in his book!  So . . . YAY for positive parent-child relationships that aren’t Louis-bot’s!

 Speaking of Blair’s cyborg fiance, don’t know about you, but I found Louis-bot’s supposedly sweet remark that, “You’re my only family now,” at the end of the episode, to be more than a bit creepy.  I mean, really, when you think about it, a line like this is really just a hop, skip, and a jump from the much over-used, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”

In fact, Louis-Bot proves himself to be a Fiance on the Brink of a Possible Psychotic Breakdown, when he finds Blair’s Paternity Test results and, rather, than immediately confronting Blair with them, he instead contacts . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK’S NEW SHRINK for help with the matter.

RUH-ROH!

How convenient is it that there’s seemingly only ONE therapist on the Upper East Side, and she just so happens to have a pooch who’s ass Chuck’s Monkey likes to sniff?  Be afraid, Blair Bear, be VERY afraid . . .

Oh, I guess I should finish telling you about Dan’s movie option, should I?

The Love of Her Life . . .

When Serena learns from a public television interview that Dan is NOT going to offer her the movie rights to his book, after all, she is SUPER PISSED . . .

I said PISSED . . . not wasted!

That’s better!

Furious with Dan for ruining her chances at success in a job that has suddenly become The Most Important Thing in Serena’s Life, at least, until next week our blonde book villain decides to sabotage Humpty Humphrey’s chances of selling the movie rights to his book to anyone else aside from her boss.  

Well . . . not really  . . . but it certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to do.

She does this by leaking to a major online publication a rumor that Dan has ALREADY promised the rights to Serena’s boss.

Slimy as it was, Serena’s Evil Plan ultimately WORKS, in that Dan eventually agrees to GIVE Serena’s boss the movie rights (but only because no one else gives two craps about him and his lame book anymore), provided that HE gets to write the screenplay.

(Seriously?  He writes screenplays, too?  What’s next,  Donut Dan for President?) 

Dan and Serena then have a heart-to-heart conversation about how Serena’s character, just like Nate’s, isn’t JUST her, but rather, an amalgamation of her, and other book and TV characters that Dan stole borrowed from alternative media sources because he lacks originality as an author.

“My second novel will be entitled SuperDan, and will feature a character that rises above his humble Brooklyn beginnings, to fly around NYC, and battle evil, while wearing a cape, and a bodysuit, with a big “D” emblazoned on the front.” 

This makes Serena feel a little better.  But she’s still bummed about the fact that Blair got to be the heroine of Dan’s book, while SHE is merely the Drunken Slutty Sidekick.

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Having considered Dan to be the Love of Her Life (and, considering how many people Serena has had sex with loved in her lifetime, this should be a HUGE honor for Donut Dan), Serena is hurt to learn that he might not feel the same way about her.  Dan later apologizes to Serena for this, claiming that it is WAY too early in Dan and Serena’s lives for them to know who the True Loves of Their Life are.  His MAY be Serena . . . but it also may be Blair (MAN, I HOPE NOT) . . .  or Chuck . . . or Monkey.  Who really knows?

That said .  . . Dan and Serena’s conversation does raise an interesting question about “soulmates.” Specifically, exactly how old does one have to be to recognize his or her True Love?  What do you think, GG’ers?  Do we need to wait until we are old and wrinkly, before we can figure out who the loves of our life are?  Or is this something we know instinctively, the moment we experience it?

*clears throat*

One thing is FOR SURE, however.  We definitely don’t need to wait until we’re old, to figure out, is who our True Friends are.

Therefore, it is fitting that, at the end of the episode, Serena FINALLY apologizes for being such a douchette to Blair, and COMPLETELY ignoring Queen B’s ass, while she was going through all this awful crap with her baby, and Louis-Bot’s despicable family.

As it turns out, Serena was merely acting out, because she was jealous of the generally positive way Blair was ultimately portrayed in Dan’s story, as opposed to the unbelieveably AWFUL way Serena was portrayed.  “You were the star of Dan’s book,” Serena admits with a pout.

“Well, it’s pure fiction,” Blair replies kindly, offering Serena a big ole hug . . .

AWWWWW! 

Here’s hoping these two besties never again let jealousy, selfishness, or boys get in the way of their eternal friendship.  *cough Fat Chance cough*

So . . . that was “The Fasting and The Furious,” in a nutshell.  In two weeks, Gossip Girl returns for “I Am Number Nine,” during which we will get our first taste of Bridezilla Blair, and her less-than-lucky prospective Bridesmaids . . .

(By the way, did you guys notice how the Canadian promo makes this upcoming episode look AWESOME, and the American one, above, makes it look . . . um . . . ridiculous, cheesy, dumb  slightly less awesome?  Weird . . .)

Anyway, I’ll see you all on November 7th.   Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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