Tag Archives: monstrous

Entering the Bone Zone – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Promise to the Dead”

this isnt good for scott

50 Shades of Bone

Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .

who dad

sexin

While others just got boned . . .

tapped

“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”

We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .

wake up stiles

Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”

Scott: “I think it’s mine.”

Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”

Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .

deer

. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .

nommy

“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”

Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .

boyd kicking ass

“Consider yourself haunted.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .

lip quiv

. . . while he tried to sleep . . .

more mist

. . . while he lifted weights . . .

crying

. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .

misty eye

. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .

confused liam

Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.

Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..

With one or two exceptions.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]

Third Eye Not-So Blind

You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous.   You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!

not enjoying self lets talk about food

You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.

T.J. Jagodowski, left, and Peter Grosz, right wendys girl

JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?

still talking about eating you so hungry

I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?

diet time eatus interruptus damnit

we all go a little

The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?

I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!

samuel jack

I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!

bad x men

And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and  Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .

winky stiles

Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .

crazy huose head wound yucki see you

BabyScared

WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.

lets talk about food

“I told you I’d grow on you.  Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”

So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .

der funny face ha

Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .

coma man

If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .

In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .

shouldn't have had beans for dinner

“Is this IKEA?”

Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”

let me talk

lyd screams

And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .

Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)

This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.

money to fondle

So much money fondling . . .

dollar signs

Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .

2 17 elena steals cash moonstone

Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..

sad liam eyes

Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..

what do we do

This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.

under bed

this is me fondling

AWK-WARD!

Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me  . . .

are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.

bloodmoney

Bloody money has cooties  . . . See?  Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”

Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.

kill not confirmed

Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?

creepswack

No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it.   “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”

better take

Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .

yolo der

Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind

Dear Braeden . . .

im back braeden

Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .

I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.

machine_gun_cat

I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .

But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .

what they wear

You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)

sex me now 2

And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .

my day for sleeping

See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”

night gowns

Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex.  To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.

kissin

You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .

cock blocing

But Braeden wears THIS to bed?

her outfit

You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .

118247_521

Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .

Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”

Perhaps, she was saying . . .

fashio pol

“FASHION POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!”

Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .

Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .

Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .

2 9warblers

Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .

tvb matty pointless times

And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!

Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .

tvb sad matty

Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .

more mist hey there sleepyhead

“Hey there, Lonely Boy.  I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”

I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .

lols

crying

can i spot you

“Need a spotter, Liam?”

Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .

Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .

 

time to experiment

Hey, it could happen. . .

In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .

this guy dad

This guy!

It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!

dancing stiles again

It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .

Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .

deer eat

“Bambi’s Mother . . .”

Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .

bambi

But hey, pizza is good too . . .

pizza-delivery-boy

The date to end all dates, literally. . .

Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .

Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .

moto

Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .

smack lick

Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex .  . .”

ephemeral

I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .

He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .

bad date she does it ights them all

“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work.  Starting riding!”

Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .

borrow money

The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .

(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)

really sexin party crash off to church

“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”

blue balls

In which everyone gets pep talks . . .

“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”

trust alph

“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”

trust alph 2

“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”

“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”

pensive lia

Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?

nodding oh yeah

Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.

pete and ma

evil peter pan

“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”

drinking to get

“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”

Hey, has anyone seen Scott?  Or Kira?  Uh-oh!

Speaking of Peter . . .

It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .

finding stuff berserklooking good peter hale

But then, suddenly, this happens . . .

not having fun

. . . and this happens . . .

still not

. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.

reallly not

There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .

got nothing

(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)

But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .

helping parrish

He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)

And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.”  (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)

teen wolf hunters

know about allison

“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”

demons die

“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.

“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .

“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”

phoenix

And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .

Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .

Rise Darth Berserker!

Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .

at the chruch

OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)

heres my motive

“I hate Scott, basically.   He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”

Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid.   It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.

always been the alpha

That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .

Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?

i got you a hat like mine

“Hey, check it out!  Matching hats!  We’re twinsies!”

this isnt good

Oooooh . . . that’s cold.

Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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While You Were Sleeping – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Monstrous”

While_You_Were_Sleeping_000

coma face

someone scratch my nose

Question: What valuable life lesson can be gleaned from both the adorkable mid-nineties romantic coma comedy While You Were Sleeping and this past week’s installment of Teen Wolf?

Answer: They both teach us that comatose thirty-somethings named Peter with disturbingly expressive (sometimes frightening) eyebrows have the power to provide purpose in the lives of shy, socially awkward girls, who make questionable hair care choices . . .

143338__while_l

. . . but only while mid-coma.

never talked

Poor Meredith Walker! If she had only shared her hospital room with The Dad from The O.C. instead of The Gorilla thing from Season 1, her life would be so much less complicated right now . . .

very sexual beings

This week’s installment of Teen Wolf was equal parts satisfying and frustrating . . .

Satisfying, because our oddly loveable Benefactor has finally revealed her motivations for mass murder, and they are, if not entirely understandable (Who recorded all those tapes? How exactly did Meredith manage to control a 70’s era computer program WITH HER MIND?), at least weirdly sympathetic. (If we had to listen 24-7 to the dream-state ramblings of a scarfaced wackadoo with seemingly czarists designs on his easily extorted upper class town, we’d want some heads to roll too . . . )

smirky

Frustrating because . . . HUH?

no idea what im doing

I mean talk about a Deus Ex Machina! This was literally a case where there appeared to be an actual ghost in the machine . . .

ghostbusters

. . . who pretty much controlled everything bad that happened to the characters throughout the entire season. . .

mischeivous stiles

Our heroes then discovered that ghost almost entirely by accident . . .

the dead pool

. . . and then, sometime around the 50 minute mark of the episode, that ghost just got tired and went home.

all contracts terminated

But hey, at least Scott’s Wolf Facelift looked cool, right?

wolf face

nodding oh yeah

Let’s review shall we?

[As always a big hearty thanks to my screencapping pal Andre, who is 100% immune to the charms of the sometimes naked (always sexy) Deputy Parrish (WHY? HOW?), but always screencaps him faithfully for me anyway, because he’s just cool like that.]

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This . . .

Don’t you just hate it when it’s pouring buckets of CGI-perfected rain outside, and you just so happened to leave the house/cave (?) without your umbrella?

i hate the rain

“My perm is ruined!”

Don’t you also hate it when it’s raining, and you are being hunted by an army of black suited militia types with laser guns?

think anyone will find us

“Think anyone will see us?”

there's no place like cave

“There’s no place like cave .  . . there’s no place like cave.”

I know I do . . .

That’s why I always make sure to have my own personal pocket ninja available to defend my honor at a moment’s notice . . .

kira battling

Hiiiiyaaa!

(Also, I never leave home without my umbrella . . . well . . . almost never.)

Speaking of pocket-sized things one should never leave home without . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of Teeny Wolf

I think a part of Scott assumed that the second he turned Liam (accidental or not), the latter would immediately become his fashionable accessory for always . . . not unlike one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs . . .

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

“Yo quiero ser Scrappy Doo . . .

Scrappy%20Doo

. . . a permanent guest on the back of his motorcycle . . .

moto

. . . the permanent squire to his knight, during Weekly Werewolf Fight Time . . .

doing the wolf dance

. . . a permanent awkward third wheel on his kissy face dates with Kira . . .

smack lick

confused liam

Unfortunately for Scott, Liam doesn’t seem to really be feeling his purse dog status. (Though he’s sure got those puppy dog eyes down pat.)

got the sads liam

The thing about supernatural TV shows is that they tend to require an Audience Surrogate character to keep things grounded . . . someone with the ability to say the type of things you or I would say when placed in the ridiculous supernatural situations the Scooby Gang gets placed in each week . . .

going to die

profession

Someone to say things like, “Isn’t it kind of weird how so many of our friends die, and the following week we just seem to forget they even existed?”

too soon haha - Copy

And, “This whole Werewolf Curse Thing doesn’t seem like anything that a really good razor, a cough drop, and some Visine couldn’t cure.”

scott dog dish

And, “Where the heck is that really bad techno fight music coming from?”

kung fu fighting - Copy

Up until around Season 3, that person for Teen Wolf was Stiles . . .

stiles approves

But, while the Scooby Gang’s Resident Human is still just as relatable, clever and wisecracking as he ever was . . .you’ve got to admit he’s gotten a wee bit blasé about the whole Mass Murder Thing of late . . .

wake uppppp stiles

. . . (maybe it has something to do with all that time he spent as an Evil Japanese Spirit, with a face wrapped in Charmin Extra Soft)

nogitsune teeth

“Don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

Enter Liam . . .

not like you

He’s new to the Werewolf Game . . .

in mud help

. . . he finds being almost brutally killed week after week a teensy bit traumatizing . . .

hug 1

. . . he believes becoming Lacrosse Team Captain is a bit more reasonable of a goal then Rescuing The World From Evil . . .

freshmen right

In other words, he’s just like us . . .

more drink

(Only slightly younger and much, much prettier . . .)

Anyway, Liam earns some major points cool points from me this week for getting Scott to acknowledge the existence of all his instantly forgotten Dead Friends . . .

love you

sad boyd

dead erica

Bravo, Little Guy . . .

Psycho Killer (Que’st-ce que c’est!)

Ahhhh, Meredith, faking your own death, and then casually admitting to singlehandedly orchestrating the systematic Mass Murder for Hire of what seems like three-quarters of the town of Beacon Hills has lost you a few popularity points with Everyone’s Favorite Authority Figure . . .

she suck

“I’m definitely selling my Team Meredith t-shirt on E-bay!”

Now, they are never going to let you date Isaac . . . assuming he ever returns . . . and/or anyone decides to remember that he exists . . .

isaac scarf

When Sheriff Stilinski’s and Lydia’s feeble attempts to glean from Zany Meredith something resembling a motive fail miserably, they decide to call for reinforcements . . . Deep V-Neck reinforcements . . .

ned a man

lit your fire

Shame on you Meredith! Peter is pretty much old enough to be your FATHER . . . or, at least, her father . . .

drinking to get

But hey, you know what they say . . . a lid for every pot . . . even if that lid is a full-on sociopath with a possible furry fetish . . .

ep 7 alpha popopopculture

Help is on the way . . .

Remember all those Buddhist werewolves who went out into a forest, got poisoned by canine distemper and died?

deadest

They’re baaaaaackkk . . .

wolfs 3 wolfs 2 wolfs 1

that's a lot of people to share one bathroom

“We’re going to need a bigger bathroom.”

Well, some of them, anyway . . .

Scott and Co. somehow locate the surviving members of Satomi’s pack. (It probably helps that they hide in completely inauspicious places . . . like in the center of high school football field.)

But where to put them all?

stefan shrug

I know! How about that adorable hotel the gang stayed at a couple seasons back? That place was swanky!

thanks buddy

Scott, being Scott, decides on a spectacular hiding place for his furry friends . . . a place that no one would ever think to look . . . unless they were a werewolf hunter . . .

argent arms

teen wolf hunters

. . . or a Werejaguar . . .

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

. . . or a gang of trained assassins . . .

shooters

. . . or Peter Hale . . .

peter pan

OK, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t the best hiding place for a family of werewolves (or the second best, or the third best, or the fourth best, or the twenty ninth). But hey, at least they didn’t use the Hale Vault again . . .

der funny face ha

Of course, Scott has barely had enough time to show his new roommates the Argent Arms bathroom when company arrived . . .

battle time

. . . and then . . . even worse company . . .

shooters

Tongue Tied . . .

Meanwhile, back in Death Trap hospital, Stiles is nursing a possible concussion from his most recent Brush With Death . . .

sad hot stiles

Mama McCall asks everyone’s favorite human if he has any dying requests . . .

learn your 80s tech boy

He does.   He wants a tape player . . .

tapes and cassettes

. . . or, as Mama McCall knows them, cassette player.

And so tapes cassettes and the record player make yet another cameo appearance on this season of Teen Wolf.

Next season, phone booths . . .

phone booth

. . . Oregon Trail . . .

look around

. . . and that asshat dog from Duck Hunt . . .

duck-hunt dog

But Mama McCall has other ideas, apart from archaic technological devices, to aid Stiles on his road to recovery . . .

stalia kissing

How about, conjugal visits?

sex me now 2

That’s right, boys and girls. Stiles and Malia are back together . . . and all it took was a few minutes in an antiseptic hospital room . . . possibly reminding them of that time they took one another’s virginity in the basement of another wellness institution . . . The Nuthouse . . . shortly before a possessed Stiles went on a murderous rampage and attempted to assassinate all of his friends . . .

sexing

. . . aka . . . the Good Ole Days . . .

Mystery Date

Back at the Beacon Hills PD, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived . . .

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

FRO . . .

meredith

Meets . . .

DUDEBRO . . .

chillin pete

It’s a showdown of epic proportions. They meet. They exchange pleasantries . . .

BRO RAPES FRO’S NECK WITH HIS GROSS NAILS . . .

heres my story

Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .

You see, Uncle Peter doesn’t seem to remember Meredith at all. (And that fro and those Massive Googly Eyes are not the kind of things a guy like Peter quickly forgets.)

scared peter - Copy

And yet, Meredith remembers Peter VERY well. It seems she knew him back in the day . . . you know . . . before the magical werewolf plastic surgery . . . and the gorilla thing . . . and the whole rising from the dead thing . . .

too late torequest a single discussion whisper

In fact, Meredith knew Peter VERY well . . . so well, in fact, that she was willing to orchestrate a Mass Murder Deadpool, using his money . . . because he ASKED HER TO DO IT!!

*record scratch*

Yup, that’s right . . . Peter Hale arranged for the theft of his own money. He is literally the benefactor of The Benefactor . . .

lunatic whisp crazy rant

. . . and he doesn’t remember one minute of it . . .

The Smoking Gun . . .

Back at Stiles’ house (I guess tonguing Malia cured his concussion after all), Stiles and Malia play around with a tape cassette player to determine whether any additional information about the Benefactor’s source of funds distribution can be gleaned from Lydia’s grandma’s Death Tape.

what do we hear

Guess what? It can! Somehow Malia discovers that the tape in question was actually made at Lydia’s grandmother’s lake house . . . i.e. the creepy place with the white walls and the Really Rickety Tape Recorder.

abstract art

So, Little Red Riding Stiles and the Big Bad Werecoyote take a nice little trip to grandma’s house, where they proceed to listen to the same record player Lydia’s been staring stonily at just about all season. Only this time, they hear something different . . . something Lydia apparently missed . ..

sad lyd

“You had ONE job, Lydia! One job!”

There’s something in the wall!

surprised-face

I wonder what it could be?

Is it? (A) The cast from Sixth Sense?

i see dead people

(B) A band of vengeful Oompa Loompas

oompa loompa

(C) The set piece for every movie involving computers that took place between around 1975 and 1988.

hal

If you guessed (C) you get a cookie.

tombstonecoffin%20cookies_JPG-550x0

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the source of the Deadpool . . .

red light green light

But how did it get there? How did the Benefactor access it? How does it work / distribute funds?

know nothing

Well, Werebangers, hold on to your hats. Because you are about to get the answers to all some almost one of those questions . . .

Pillow Talk

So, here’s how it all went down . . .

Apparently, Peter and Meredith were coma bed buddies, back when Peter was suffering third degree burns from the Hale House Fire, and Meredith was suffering from . . . really bad music?

coma face

Also during that time, Banshee Meredith’s I See Dead People’s powers apparently magically expanded to I Talk To Coma Patients . . .

screaming mer

And Peter . . . well, he was the chattiest coma patient ever . . .

So, chatty, in fact, that he basically wrote the entire plot for Season 4 of Teen Wolf . . . a plot that Meredith wrote down faithfully in her mind.

mer con

You see, Coma Peter was MAD about the Hale Fire . . . mad about what it said about his werewolf heritage, how it made them seem weak and helpless.

supernat

And so, Coma Peter devised a plan in his mind . . . a sort of Darwin Survival of the Hairiest Plan . . . a Noah’s Arc for Were Things plan to rebuild the supernatural nation, by murdering every supernatural being that couldn’t fend for themselves, and (presumably) having the surviving supernaturals engage in a LOT of sex and repopulation pronto . . .

sex again

And then, Meredith, being industrious and only slightly psychotic, immediately upon getting out of the hospital, used her heretofore nonexistence Berserker contacts to steal $170 million from Peter’s Hale vault, her heretofore unused computer knowledge to arrange for a complex wire transfer system to be run out of the heretofore unseen computer in Dead Grandma Lorraine Martin’s wall, and her heretofore unseen anger against “wimpy” supernaturals to arrange for the murders of an entire truckload of them.

not all monsters

When Peter learns about this, he’s of course, wryly amused and slightly smug, as he is when he learns pretty much every piece of information on the show.

smirky peter

He’s also, as it appears, entirely innocent. Because, if thinking bad thoughts was a crime we’d all be guilty. And if wearing Deep V-Neck shirts was a crime . . . well . . . that’s another story . . .

seductive peter

So, Sheriff Stilinski pulls a gun on Mr. I’m Always the Alpha . . .

bullet in eye

. . . snorts and stirs for a bit . . .

. . . and ultimately lets him live to aimlessly plot the murder of Scott McCall another day . . .

killing scott

. . . And plot the murder of Scott McCall, Peter does . . . big time . . . again . . .

always been the alpha

Fight Fight Fight . . .

Meanwhile, a team of trained assassins ambush the Scooby Gang at Argent Arms . . .

name on our dead pool

And Scott gets MAD! SUPER MAD!

hold up

Almost Gorilla Thing Mad . . . or Gargoyle Smurf Mad . . .

demon wolf

Maybe even Darach mad . . .

darach

Except not quite . . .

And then, just when things start to get really Alpha-y . . .

hold up

Stiles and Malia shut down the deadpool by . . . wait for it . . . turning off the computer . . .

turn off

No seriously, they found a key in some wine bottle and . . . turned it to off . . .

red light green light

Just think, an entire season worth of murders . . . and they all could have been avoided in the same way you fix your laptop when it freezes . . .

stefan shrug

As for Alpha Scott . . . well, better luck next season.

ephemeral

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers . . .

dancing stiles again

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