Tag Archives: motel california

Worst Vacation EVERRR! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Motel California”

this place is great

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

The Glen Capri Motel:  Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home!  Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave!  (198 suicides and counting!)  Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .

emphysema

cable TV . . .

turning on channel

static on tv

a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .

oregon-vending-machinebusiness

hungry boyd

and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!

lifting

So, give us a call today!  Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!

This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.

sleep talker

kind of dead

It was bound to happen sometime.  I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself  . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).

dead bullet guy

dead life guard

dead heather

But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES!  You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .

no idea what im doing

The plan failed . . . MISERABLY.  (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0)  Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.

seriously so messed up honour in revenge

Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

Pack your bags, Werebangers!  Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .

motel for wolves

[As always, special thanks to Andre .  .  . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]

That 70’s Show

1977 is the year

Whenever television shows do 70’s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.

sideburns

They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .

gnarly scar

full moon

Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . .  .

killing me softly

“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”

alexander argent

The Usual Suspects

Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later .  . .which reminds me, why 36 years?  It seems kind of random, no?

nodding oh yeah

At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday.  But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .

big gift

I guess we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver.  Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .

no me gusta

i see dead people

While in bed with Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

 . . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.

thinking about suspects

“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”

They are . . .

mr harris

Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect

derek dream 1

Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .

cora hale

Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .

cryptic vet

Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 . . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane.  (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sense didn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)

lydia and punch

lyd screams

Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .

drowning matt

too soon haha - Copy

Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect.  After all, he’s been a Big Bad before.  Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .

ep 6 alpha

smirky peter

After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle?  And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .

scared peter - Copy

Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again.  I’m just putting it out there . . .

In other Villain News . . .

Get in MY BELLY!

get in my belly!

BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW!  Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .

cuddles dan eth

hump

nipple

“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”

Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .

getting laid dan

the scar

Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child.  Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”

offended shrek

Danny, however, likes his scars.  They make him feel like a survivor.

another shot of danny

“Where’s the scar?”

Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .

Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?

indigestion

“Sh*t, not again.”

let me out

“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while?  Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”

I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol.  Chainsaws are just too messy . . .

constipated

pepto

Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .

cutting it out

“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”

Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck.  Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed.  No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.

wrestle

im not ready to be a dad

“Was it something I said?”

Dark!Scott Returns

So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?

bad scott

Yeah, he was kind of a douche.  But dude was fun to watch!

Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?

mcrapey 2

hide your kids

It’s Scott McRapey!

Walking in on Allison in the shower?  Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave?  Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems?  Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”

mcrapey

fonde fondle

janet leigh pyscho scream

psycho_norman_bates

Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . .  It was awesome!

In other news, the Red Eyes were back.  Alpha, shmalpha!  Get this boy some Visine, STAT!

visine

visine

Come Play with Us!

It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . .  out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .

all the articles

Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night.  As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”

198

It’s an admittedly dubious distinction.  But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless.  I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE.  But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.

more hanging

newspaper articles

“Prayer circle?”

In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!

Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .

In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .

shining girls

the-shining-british-movie-poster1

This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms.  You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.

Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day.  As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting.  The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.

thanks buddy

“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”

Coincidence?

Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.

201-198 = 3

2 15 forever

The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?

Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here

“Ring, ring!  Hey, Scott!  It’s your mom calling.”

seeing mom get butchered

“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”

slash

“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet.  I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”

ep 10 yay mom

“Just kidding.  I’m not really dying.  I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”

trademark scott face

“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”

Ice, Ice, Baby .  . .

You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?

bettywhitesnicker

Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry.  But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?

hungry boyd

boyd kicking ass

punched glass

“Care for a Kit Kat?”

(Fun fact.  At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel?  Could he be one of the lucky three?)

Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .

want ice

kid in ice

“Peekaboo!”

Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.

sad boyd

listen to it

In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni.  Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.

Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?

splat

“Plop.”

just chilin

“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”

Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people,  apparently extends to the future dead.  Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie.  Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances,  Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.

He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .

emergency

wake up bud

“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”

Phew, that was a close one.  Fear not, kiddies.  It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .

But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .

Get in the Icebox!

Since there’s nothing good on television  .  . .

turning on channel

“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”

Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .

bored isaac

“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Good times!”

Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .

hiding under

But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway.  (That’s what friends are for!)

stiles rescue

Speaking of friends with benefits . . .

Sex Heals All Wounds . . .  Apparently

When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .

omg

So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation: takes him to a hospital   uses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding  makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .

seriously

“Seriously?”

mackin

Not that Derek is complaining . . .

more mackin

Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?

fondle corpse

One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED!  It’s a MIRACLE!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”

English Teacher has officially become my hero!  Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.

Gas Pains . . .

Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . .  .

gasolina

Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .

we are losers

“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”

OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season.  But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .

harsh man

Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.

3 15 wtf can i

OUCH!  If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that  .  . . just sayin . . .

mischeivous stiles

“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”

Obviously, I’m kidding.  But seriously!  Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott!  He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW!  Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .

stiles-15

But Stiles is clearly a better person than me.  Because rather than telling off Scott,  he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .

lets die together

“It gets better.”

Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.

When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter!  Talk about a cool cameo appearance!

voldemort

ugly guy

“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”

Thar she BLOWS!

The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.

the evil whistle

wolfsbane

Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season?  Why was it so much more selective, this time around?  I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!

blow whistle

ok gif

Also, how was Coach able to  get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach .  . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . .  If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Also, on the bus,  Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.

thank you scott

dont understand

SCOTT?  SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?

Scott was out playing in the gasoline!  STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!

lydia brave tatikatelena

Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season?  Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?

stiles sad 3

Makes me mad, is all . . .

Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .

charming derek

However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . .  .

dying ennis

derek watche

“Doh!”

Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around  . . .

Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?

Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval.  So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .

she did it

“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”

At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .

chris argent

“Hi honey, I’m home!”

smirking gerard

“Miss me and my massive over-acting?”

That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .

mountain ash

snot nose

(who, apparently,  after all these years,  has never learned how to blow his nose)

the gift of tp

And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . .  . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!

demon wolf

Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Road to Perdition – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frayed”

help me

“Sweet English Teacher, I have decided to show my love to you by finger painting on your car.”

omg

“Life is a journey, not a destination,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

school bus

Who knew Emerson was a fan of Teen Wolf?

the wheels on the bus

“The wheels on the bus go round and round.  Round and round.  Round and round.  The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town!  Come on, Scott, sing it with me!  The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish . . .”

In “Frayed,” the Scooby Gang had two destinations they needed to reach, before the end of the hour.  There was the literal destination of the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) meet, and the more abstract destination of “Derek’s Death,” an event with which the writers mercilessly teased us throughout the episode.

dancing derek and ennis

“Recapper say WHAT?”

If the success of “Frayed” merely depended on the characters reaching their respective destinations, it would been a HUGE failure.

failing awkward jawline thewinchestrs - Copy

After all, the Scooby Gang never actually made it to the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) Meet.  And, as most of us suspected early on in the episode, Derek didn’t actually die . . . at least not literally.

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

But “Frayed” wasn’t really about these destinations at all!  Rather, it was about the journeys each of the characters took in reaching them.  It was about Allison and Derek being forced to choose between “family” and pack . . . Derek’s fall from grace, in the eyes of both his enemies and his allies . . . Scott’s begrudging embrace of his “Destiny” . . . Stiles’ impressive, and much coveted, ability to make his teammates vomit on cue . . .

mischeivous stiles

So, pop a couple Dramamine, and keep your eye on the horizon.  Because we are in for a bumpy recap ride . . .

drive away - Copy

As always, special thanks to my super talented, kickass screencapper Andre.  He’s the kind of stand-up guy you could definitely trust to stitch up your psychologically-induced mortal stomach wounds with a knitting needle in a public restroom .  . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

[WARNING: The non-linear structure of this episode made for a really unique and exciting viewing experience.

Unfortunately, it also made it a b*tch to recap.

verbal keyboard smash

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should review the various scenes from the episode in the order in which they appeared on screen, or stick to a more “chronological” form of recap.  Ultimately, I opted for the latter.  Hopefully, it all ends up making some sort of sense . . .]

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

PART I- THE DEATH(?)  OF DEREK HALE

Getting Handsy

One of the benefits of recapping this episode chronologically, is that I get to start my recap with a sex scene.  And you all know how much I love my sex scenes . . .

sex again - Copy

sex me now

Apparently, so does Lydia . . . which is fitting, because she’s the only one on this show, who seems to be getting any action, these days.

awesome lyd pic

lydia smirk

Well  . . . that’s not true.  I assume Danny is getting some action.  He has seemed a bit . .  .um .  . . happier lately.  You know what they say . . . once you go Alpha . . .

ep 10 shirtless danny

another shot of danny

Source

ill do it

Lydia is in some  abandoned classroom getting fondled by Aiden.  But while the dude may be an Alpha in a brawl or on the cross country field, he’s clearly a Beta, when it comes to boning.

doing

put someplace useful

Source

humpty

I mean, honestly, you would think a guy who spent his entire childhood fisting his brother would be able to come up with more inventive ways to use his hands than boring butt squeezes.  Isn’t he supposed to be like a Top, or something?

3 14 up the butt kmcgeezy

Then again, perhaps I have this whole Fused Being concept all wrong.  Maybe the fusing happens up the center of the body, instead of across its middle.  This would mean that Aiden and Ethan actually only have experience using one hand a piece (not to mention the fact that they each only possess half a brain).

twins - Copy

Of course, it’s possible that Aiden was just trying to be a gentleman, by not getting too handsy with his new girlfriend .  . .

nodding oh yeah

Nahhhhh .  . .

As for Lydia, I may be a traitor to my sex, by saying this, but I kind of like that she’s become a bit more . . . ummmm . . . loose.

teach - Copy

At first, when Lydia started sleeping around this season, I worried that the writers would subtly chastise the character for it, by inferring that this is her “unhealthy” way of coping with Jackson’s departure.

distraction - Copy

But, actually, that doesn’t seem to be the case at all!  Lydia’s sexuality doesn’t come from a needy place.  She’s empowered by it!  As far as I’m concerned, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an intelligent, strong-willed woman, who loves sex, for sex’s sake . . . a woman who understands instinctively that sometimes a non-sexual relationship (like the one she has developed with Stiles . . . so far) can be even more personal and meaningful than a sexual one.

lydia brave tatikatelena

If she was a guy, we’d call her a stud.

stydia big 2

Speaking of studs and empowered females  . . .

Getting Handy 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Did you know Allison and her dad ditched the home they had just moved into less than a year ago, in favor of a swanky apartment, this season?

trademark scott face

Me neither . . .

I love when Teen Wolf surprises us with little changes like this . . . like when the entire Lacrosse Team magically morphed into a Cross Country Team, without anyone noticing .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Anywhoo, Scott pays Allison a visit at her new apartment to slap her on the wrist for using Derek and Co’s Brilliant Beta Trapping Scheme last week, as an excuse to live out her lifelong dream of becoming Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games.

scolding - Copy

Allison blithely shrugs off the scolding, Scott having lost his Disciplinarian Daddy Privileges the day the two “former” lovers agreed to admire one another from afar for a few episodes“see other people.”

sassy allison

“Bark your commands to Isaac, Scott. This little lady is not your b*tch anymore.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Scott tries another tactic.  He dusts of that old high school flirting trick, where guys manipulate girls into wrestling with them by bragging about how much stronger than them they are . .  .

foreplay

remember sex

good sexx

Word to the wise guys, us ladies are well aware of this trick.  And any girl who seems to be falling or it, is only doing so because she wants to manhandle you just as much as you want to manhandle her.

more battle

As for Allison  . .  . she REALLY wants to manhandle Scott . . .

look sexy 2342342

Mere seconds later, Allison and Scott are going at it like . . . well .  . . a couple of wolves.  And for all my jab at Scott’s milquetoasty take on heroism, it must be said . . . this guy is much more inventive with his hands than Alpha Aiden.

wolf sex

So, you know how, back when we were kids, our mom’s would always say to their kids, “It’s all fun and games, until someone pokes an eye out?”

eye patch

Well, foreplay with a teen wolf is all fun and games until you accidentally sprain your wrist, during a failed attempt at doggystyle.

doggy style - Copy

Oops . . . it looks like someone doesn’t know his own strength.  Talk about killing the mood.

buzzkilled - Copy

*licking wounds*

scott wolf

blue balls

Speaking of mood killers . .  .

There goes the neighborhood . . .

Have you ever run into someone on the elevator, who you REALLY didn’t want to talk to?

awkward peg

awkward post sex

Of all the high rises in Beacon Hills, apparently Deucalion the Demon Wolf, and his Alpha Pack decided to move in right above the Argents.  What are the odds, right?

deucalion in elevator

elevator encounter

“Dammit!  I knew I should have taken the stairs.”

Perhaps, this building has the most lenient policy on pets?  (It sure beats living in an abandoned bank.)

You know what bugs me about Deucalion?  He talks too damn much.

demon wolf

destroyer of worlds

2 16 damon says stop talking

All these ponderous speeches to Scott, Derek, and anyone else who will listen about “living up to one’s true potential,” and this guy is starting to sound like a motivational speaker gone postal . . . No wonder it only takes a few minutes in the elevator with This Guy for Scott to decide he wants to kick his ass . . .

bad scott

Kick his ass . . . but not kill him . . . yet.

Scott rushes off to Derek’s digs to tell him about Deucalion’s new homestead, only to learn that this news is SOOOOOO yesterday!

studying

“Bored now . . .”

He finds the Hales .  . . and Boy . . . pouring over the floor plans to Allison’s apartment complex.  (These guys seem to just magically have floorplans to building in Beacon Hills.)  It seems Derek has decided to put down the Deuce and his pesky minions the following night!

going to die

Killjoy Scott thinks this is a bad idea.  But no one with the last name Hale gives a sh*t what Scott thinks, not even Sassy Peter . . . who has the coolest Alpha form of the whole bunch, but still never fights with the pack, for reasons that haven’t yet been explained . . .

ep 7 alpha gym

“I’d love to help you kill your enemies today.  But, unfortunately, I’m already scheduled for a mani-pedi.”

That reminds me, we still have yet to see Deucalion’s Alpha form . . . possibly because it looks something like this . . .

BARNEY

I’d be embarrassed too!

Back at La Casa de Argents, Allison wants her dad to help her stick some phallic objects in some Alpha wolves, for old times sake.  But Papa Argent echoes Scott’s sentiments of non-violence, even if it leads to the entire cast of the show being murdered by a blind guy who talks WAY too much . . .

talking with daddy

Now, that’s just cold . . .

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting . . .

The following night . . . at least . . . I think it was the following night.  Scott makes some awkward comments to Isaac about going out for “Mexican,” and it totally seems like  Euphemism for sex . . .

whovian182

“I would very much like to put my chimichanga in your burrito.”

Especially, when the scene directly following this conversation features the two bromantic buddies snuggling up to one another on Scott’s motorcycle . . .  (Sounds like another happy couple we know . . .)

klefan

Fun fact . . . Scott is officially the third person to whom Isaac has snuggled close on a motor bike.  In other words, Isaac is a TOTAL motor bike whore!

isaac

Arriving at some weird warehousey place (with two randomly placed escalators to nowhere?) that may or may not be part of the Argents’ apartment complex, Scott warns Isaac that he is just there to “talk” to Deucalion . . . not fight him . . . or kill him . . .

eye roll jackson

“‘Just talk’ to the self-proclaimed Destroyer of Worlds.  That sounds like a great idea!” Said nobody ever.

the deuce

“Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah blah blah blah blah . . . DEMON WOOLLLLLLF!”

Plus, the last thing we need is to listen to Deucalion talk more  . . .

Fortunately, it’s a trap/ ambush!  Derek’s pack pops up, seemingly out of nowhere.  And the Alpha Pack follows shortly thereafter!

i want you

i want you too

Let’s get this party started!

kung fu fighting - Copy

Cue the pop music and wolf outs all around.  It’s pretty much your garden variety gang fight amongst hairy teens . . . But then this happens . . .

alpha closeup

BabyScared

That’s right, boys and girls, drop kicking Ennis gave Scott a temporary case of the Red Eyes . . . the Alpha Red Eyes.  Don’t worry, Scott.  No need to embrace your destiny just yet.  A little Visine will clear that eye problem right up!

visine

The writers aren’t quite clear on what it was about this specific moment of fighting that made Scott “go Alpha.”  I mean, sure, the drop kick was a cool move, I guess.  But last I checked to become an Alpha you actually had to . . . you know . . . kill someone.

ep 8 kill someone popopop

The only thing Scott seems to have killed is Ennis’ self esteem . . .

Also, since when did Alpha-ism become the kind of condition that flares up, only on occasion, like hemorrhoids or herpes?

butt wiggle

Speaking of Alpha “flare-ups,” Derek’s probably wishing his Alpha would go away, when the Alpha pack commandeers Boyd and his sister, thereby forcing him to face the Ultimate Existential Werewolf Question: Family . . .

dying cora

cora

. . . or Pack . . .

pack

torn

this is me thinking

Saved by the Bell!  Or should I say, the Katniss Everdeen Allison.

shooting everyone

my eyes

“I’m MELTINNNNNNG!”

Annnnd we’re back to fighting!

twirl

Scott comes in for the assist.

the assist

“Haha!  Got your toesies, tickle, tickle, tickle!”

Hey, look!  They are flying . . .

dancing derek and ennis

Derek, this isn’t really the best time to take a nap.  Wake up and finish him!

dead men

Derek?  Wait . . . is he . . . DEAAAAADDDDDDDD?

i see dead people

cry 1

PART II – ROAD RAGE

Don’t you just hate it when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you get hit with a massive bout of motion sickness?

scared jared

How about when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you are suffering from a MASSIVE STOMACH WOUND?

constipation

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito last night.”

In the aftermath of Derek’s “death,” everyone seems a bit on edge.

growly boyd

Boyd and Isaac want to beat the sh*t out of Ethan .  . .

Ethan keeps nervously checking his cell phone .  . .

peeking - Copy

“Are we at the stage of our relationship yet, where I’m obligated to ask you about your feelings?  Or can we just continue screwing in silence.”

Danny is secretly wondering why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

Stiles is secretly wondering whether Danny knows why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

peeky stiles

“I wonder if Ethan thinks I’m attractive.”

This guy is about to puke . . .

jared the puker - Copy

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito with Scott last night?”

And Scott’s like DYING and stuff . . .

Did I mention that Allison and Lydia are following behind the bus to stalk Dying Scott?

stalking

Car Stalking is the new Cyber Stalking  .  . .

In what is probably my favorite sequence in the entire episode, Stiles Twitter attacks Danny into finding out why his boyfriend keeps checking his phone.

find out why - Copy

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Boyfriend must be an OLYMPIC texter!  Because, Danny’s phone is going off literally every second, for about three minutes.  You know, kind of like This Guy . . .

texting

You would think a supposed “computer hacking whiz” like Danny, would be smart enough to silence his phone,  as soon as the first couple of texts came in . . .

number of fingers

Ultimately, Danny relents and asks his boy toy what’s up?  As it turns, out Ethan is worrying about his “friend,” who “might not make it through the night.”

sickco

2 2 zombies don't text katie-cassidy

Somehow, I don’t think he’s talking about Derek .  . .

It’s interesting how much loyalty these Alphas have toward one another, considering these people all literally MURDERED their entire original pack . . .  I don’t know about you, but that’s not the type of person I’d feel comfortable having on MY TEAM.

hide from elijah

Meanwhile, near the back of the bus, Scott’s Alpha-induced wound still isn’t healing.  And his health seems to be in rapid decline.  Stiles tries to ask the coach nicely to pull over the car.

blow whistle

ok gif

But when that fails, he opts for more desperate measures . . .

mischeivous stiles

Sorry Jared!  But hey!  Look on the bright side.  At least you aren’t motion sick anymore!

barf

OPERATION

Remember that popular children’s game, which taught five year olds that “surgery” simply means yanking small items out of a body with a pair of tweezers, and basically requires no training or experience whatsoever?

doctor-bot-operation

Med School, Schmed School!  I learned everything I ever need to know about the human body from a naked guy with a red nose, and “water on the knee.”

Well, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it inspired this scene in Teen Wolf, where Allison Argent — the girl who once needed a tutor in biology — dragged her dying ex boyfriend into a dingy public restroom, and “saved his life,” armed with nothing but a needle and a thread . . .

bloody scott

Step aside doctors from House and Grey’s Anatomy, because you just got served!

music greys

Once the gang finally manages to get off the School Bus (thanks to Puking Jared), they are able to focus on the REAL problem at hand: Scott’s Tummy Trouble.

sculder mully

It’s Lydia who determines that the reason Scott’s usual healing powers aren’t taking effect, is psychosomatic.

ephemeral

In English . . . that means that Scott’s guilt over the accidental hand he played in Derek’s possible demise is LITERALLY eating him up inside.

Pop quiz:  Scott has an injury that’s at least partly in his mind.  How should the gang solve this problem?

awww stilesy

Should they:

(a) ask around to see if there’s a Werewolf Shrink in the house;

(b) slap him around a bit, and tell him to “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

(c) call his mother, a registered nurse who knows he’s a werewolf, and tell her to get her ass to her local rest stop to save her son; or

(d) have Allison, a teen with NO medical training, sew up his not-really-genuinely injured stomach with a knitting needle.

stiles and the new pack

“We’re waiting.  . .”

If you chose any answer but (d), I’d call you a logical  being.  But this show isn’t called Logical Wolf.  It’s called Teen Wolf!

ah screw it

Source

So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, “Sewing Tummies for Dummies,” starring Allison Argent, and Scott McCall . . .

alive

 . . . and Special Guest Star . . . Dead Mama Argent!

scary mom

Step 1 – Sterilize the needle.

sterilize

Step 2 – DON’T LICK THE NEEDLE AFTER YOU STERILIZE IT, THEREBY INVALIDATING THE STERILIZATION . . .

licking

no no on

Don’t worry about that, Allison.  Maybe fake injuries only engender fake infections .  . .

Step 3 – Try to keep a steady hand . . .

thread the needle

Having the ghost of Allison’s mother, Ice Queen Mama Argent, talk Allison through dispassionately stitching up Scott’s wounds made for a powerful viewing experience, particularly for us viewers, who have experienced the loss of a parent.  Kudos to Crystal Reed for really pulling off the pathos and anguish of this scene.

what do do

Watching this scene, you could almost forget that Mama Argent was a sociopathic wackadoo who once tried to MURDER the very same person she’s helping Allison to stitch up . . .

teaching to sew

big bitch crazy

Almost . . .

After the surgery, we are treated to not a very convincing fake out, during which Scott “plays dead” for a horrified Allison for about three seconds, before “waking up.”

sleeping scott

peekaboo haa

GOTCHA!

But the real action is going on outside, where Isaac has started WHALING on Ethan.  Might as well, right?  I mean he already got blamed for beating up the kid.  At least this time, Isaac can experience the satisfaction of knowing that it was his fist causing the bleeding.

beat self up

beat up

happy isaac“And that douche got beat up twice, HAHA!”

Not that I condone violence, or anything . . .

2 11 drunk hanna

Scott, once again, pulls rank on Isaac, getting him to “stop the insanity.”

kill joy

Kill joy!

Personally, I could have gone for a few more minutes of ass kicking myself . . .

Back in the barf-fumigated bus . . .

jared you suck

Source

 .  . . a now stitched-up Scott is sitting with Allison, who has inexplicably ditched her car in the middle of nowhere, just so that she can in a smelly bus with her bloody ex boyfriend.  Scott thanks Allison for not listening to him, when he told her to stay out of his business, thereby saving his life.

allison bamf heir of slytherin

“You’re damn right,” says every girlfriend ever.

Further up on the bus, an increasingly chummy Mulder and Scully Stiles and Lydia do the heavy lifting of tying the two seemingly disparate storylines of the Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer and the Alpha pack together, by determining that Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer might be making all these kills in order to build strength for its inevitable battle against the Alpha pack.

murder thoug

In other words, it’s Alien versus Predator all over again.  Who’s side are YOU on?

Speaking of the Alpha Pack,  let’s check in on them again, shall we?

SQUISH!

Given the former’s tendency to turn into a gorilla-like thing and mind-control gingers, and the latter’s complete absence from the series for the entire first two seasons, it’s entirely understandable that Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora Hale are a bit leery of one another.  But with Derek dead(?) / missing, and possibly dead, and the entire rest of the cast trapped in Bus Hell, the two decided to combine forces and engage in a bit of super sleuthing.

smirky peter

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why the Hales immediately assumed that ONLY one of the two bodies that fell from the scaffolding, Ennis or Derek, could have possibly survived the fall . . . especially considering the fact that they are BOTH Alphas, and BOTH of their bodies had been removed from the scene.

dont understand

Desperate for answers, the pair decide to head for the Trusty Vet’s office for guidance.

Geez, who knew some glorified dog groomer’s office would end up becoming the most happening location on the show?  I mean, this place is basically the Teen Wolf equivalent of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

ep 11 vet man

LIFE OF THE PARTY!

Dr. Deaton (whose first name is Alan, by the way . . . I didn’t know that until this week) must be the richest vet in the WORLD!  I wonder if he charges by the hour . . .

cryptic vet

Unfortunately for Sassy Pete and Cora, SOMEONE has beat them to Deaton’s office.  (Should have made a reservation . . .)

dying ennis

I think it’s a bit odd that Deucalion and co. (AND Ms. Morell . . . who apparently is Deaton’s Sister from another Mister?) would choose Notorious Derek Pack Ally Deaton to repair their beloved Ennis’ boo boos.  But I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.  Of course, Deaton is able to repair Ennis to his strong and stupid silent type greatness, with nothing more than a few simple magical remedies.  (He didn’t even need Mama Argent and a knitting needle to do it.)

But then Deucalion comes and SQUASHES ENNIS’ HEAD LIKE IT’S A ROTTEN MELON .

squish

 

stiles grossed out

(In fact, I’m pretty sure they used an actual melon to pull off this stunt.)

melon head cat

The moment was simultaneously, gross, horrifying and awesome at the same time.  Though I suspect Ugly Toenail Chick would disagree with me.

sad kali 1

 

sad kali 2

 

Source

Hmmmm . . . I wonder if these two were boning.  That’s not the kind of mourning you do for a casual acquaintance, if you catch my drift . . .

sex girl boy

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora see this reaction and immediately assume that because Ennis just died Derek must already be dead . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Logic Fail.  I thought you were smarter than that, Sassy Uncle Peter . . .

Meanwhile back at the school . . .

PART III – IT’S ALIVE!

English Teacher is innocently heading to her car after school  . . . What’s the matter?  Don’t feel like spending another night in the boiler room? . . . when she encounters a friendly surprise  . . .

omg

Geez Derek, I know you’ve been out of the dating game a while.  But here’s some friendly advice.  It’s really not necessary to mutilate yourself to the point of near death just to get your lady love’s attention.

help me

Most of the time especially for people who look like you a clever text message will suffice.  Just sayin . . .  Anywhoo . .  . Derek’s alive.  Obviously.  SURPRISE!

die in blinkin8

And that was “Frayed” in a nutshell.  Next week on Teen Wolf, the ENTIRE CAST SLEEPS TOGETHER . . .

not an orgy - Copy

. . . in a motel . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com]  [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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