Umm, Elena. This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.
Howdy, Fangbangers! This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?
She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .
Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .
While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .
“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!“
Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all
aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler. Because, let’s face it. Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .
It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .
Poor Tyler! It’s so hard to find good help these days. You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”
I mean, come on! If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .
The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder. The bad news? He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .
“Let’s dance! One-two-cha-cha-cha. Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”
I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun. Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .
“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“
So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all! He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom! HOW RUDE!
“You owe me, Bro! I don’t give up my spit to just anybody! That sh*t’s sacred!”
Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house, only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .
“Hey Tyler. I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar. Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”
I kid! Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.
After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’
I don’t know, Klaus. Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me. For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction. Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?
Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want. But more on that later . . .
Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”
When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . . .
. . . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . . Oh Damon! You aren’t fooling anybody. We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .
Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing. And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2. Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?
“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”
So, Damon was chilling in this trailer
(though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .
Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle? I know I do! Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .
Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.
And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .
It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.” Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!
That’s right, folks. Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.
I mean, really. How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?
Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .
Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights
Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .
Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .
How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt. You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school. Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .
“Try to eat less garlic for dinner. My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”
Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.
It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.
In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.
It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them. Meanwhile,
useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .
Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day? Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to
hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .
. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties. First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .
Don’t do it, Elena. Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .
Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal. And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .
Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.” Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home? Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!
So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason? Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup! Pretty ingenious, right?
Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth? And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg? That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!
“Even my spit is awesome . . .”
So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?
Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!
But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party. And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed. She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉
Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.
Yeah, whatever, Elena. You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .
Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan. But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .
Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season . . .
But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle. And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .
Ever since Tyler’s
convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.” Now, we know.
OK. Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .
And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood . . .
. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady. And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week, will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .
In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .
But back to the beer. Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.
Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze. (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!) So, he was in the clear . . .
At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young. But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator. Oops!
No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it! Elena was out for blood! She grabbed her
surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike. But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive. So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?
“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light. A tasty combination!”
It seemed like a kind of random move to me. But it sure did piss off Rebekah. So, mission accomplished, in that regard. Also, it looked cool. And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .
“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “
Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)! It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it? It can make you feel immortal
especially if you are actually immortal. It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . . “The King of the World.”
It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .
I don’t know. I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side. For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving. She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .
Instead, she did this. And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree. Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .
Speaking of Guilt . . .
Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.
He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“
Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature. For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love. So, she did what any girl would do in that situation. She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .
Don’t worry, Matt lovers. It was just a dream . . . for now . . .
As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.
The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.
But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .
Speaking of Damon . . .
Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .
With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .
And Damon would know . . .
. . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier. (Payback is a b*tch.)
With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .
Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor. According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter. Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.
Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .
Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?
In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?
Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning. Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different. In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.
Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids? Only time will tell . . .
Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode. Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .
Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him. And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .
Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .
Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament. Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .
This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet . . . See for yourself . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!