Welcome back, My Pretties! It’s time to return to Rosewood, where all the girls look like supermodels, the boys rarely wear clothing, and “A” knows ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! This week, our favorite PLL girls got to show off their respective naughty sides.
But, unfortunately, not in a sexual context . . .
Having spent the majority of last season, watching the typically well-behaved
(well, except for Hanna) fabulous foursome suffer as victims of A’s wrath, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change. Rather than being sinned against, in “My Name is Trouble,” all of our heroines took their shot at being the sinners.
Of course, they all did some nice things this week too.
It’s just a lot less interesting to talk about those . . .
So, put on your devil horns, and leave your morals at the door, because it’s time to be BAD, PLL-style!
I Dream of Scream
HANNA: “I hate getting stuck in your dreams, Spencer. You always make us do lame things. What kind of movie is this, anyway? It looks older than my grandma!
SPENCER: “It’s Jekyll and Hyde. It’s supposed to be eerie and symbolic.”
HANNA: “Eerie and symbolic, my ass . . . next time, take us out clubbing, or something.”
When the episode begins, our PLL girls are hanging out in the same movie theater where Emily takes all of her dates. But rather than watching the old film they presumably came to see, the foursome are discussing Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie, Creepy Pedo Ian, and whether or not Facelift Jason and Spencer’s Sister
Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa are hiding him in Facelift Jason’s house. (Fortunately, no one ever goes to this theater, aside from Emily and her girlfriends. Otherwise, they’d probably get kicked out for talking during the film.)
Hanna helpfully suggests that the girls strap a dog collar on Melissa that zaps her ass, whenever she leaves the yard. And, even though I know she’s kidding, I still think it’s a spectacular idea. Because if anyone deserves an ASS ZAPPING its Spencer’s poopyhead sister . . .
Then, suddenly, a big ole hole burns into the film that the girls were watching, and the Ghostface Killer from Scream pops out at them.
All the girls, understandably, freak out
and wonder whether the theater will refund their money. over this VERY rude interruption of their conversation. However, Aria, who recently DIED in a Scream film, is particularly disconcerted, by this recent turn of events.
But don’t worry, kiddies! It’s ALL A DREAM . . . Spencer’s dream, of course. Sleeping Beauty herself is napping on the couch, when Sweet Sis Melissa barges in and starts groping Poor Spencer, under the guise of “looking for her wedding ring.”
“I understand that you are upset, but I promise you that your ring is NOT IN MY CROTCH!”
Melissa is just about to shake Spencer upside down, to see if the ring falls out of her bra, when her phone vibrates. It is Mystery Caller! He (or she) needs to talk to Melissa in private. But just in case Spencer didn’t know this was a Super Secret Conversation with a Super Secret Person, Melissa LOUDLY tells Mystery Caller that she must take the call upstairs, so that SPENCER CAN’T HEAR. (Way to be subtle, SIS!)
“Check it out, Mystery Caller. My Baby Sis is picking her nose.”
As Shady Melissa rushes up the stairs, Spencer watches after her, while making The Face . . .
That’s the ONE!
Meanwhile, over in Hanna-land . . .
Mama Marin Gives Good Advice (for once)
“Look at you, being all Wise and Materal. This is another one of Spencer’s dreams, right?”
Downstairs in the Marin kitchen, Hanna awakens to find her mom and dad engaged in some SERIOUS eye f*&king. Mama Marin laughs at something Papa le Douche says. This is also part of the eye-f*&king, as Papa le Douche hasn’t said anything remotely humorous, since before Hanna was born . . .
*insert evil laughter here*
Papa le Douche is on this kick, where he wants to “spend time with his daughter” and “be a dad,” so he offers to drive Hanna to school. “Ummm . . . no thanks.” Hanna replies, feeling super awkward and uncomfortable.
“Well, THAT was super awkward and uncomfortable.”
After Papa le Douche exits stage left, Hanna calls out her mom for all the eye f*&king she’s been doing. “What an Eye Slut you are? Please wear an Eye Condom, next time, so I don’t have to worry about getting Eye Siblings.” She warns.
(Now, we know the REAL reason Blind Jenna always wears glasses.)
In response, Mama Marin spouts her After School Special Lesson of the Day, “Just because someone hurt us once, doesn’t mean we have to permanently delete them from our phonebook . . . Things change . . . people grow” Translation? *cough Stop Being Such a B*tch to Caleb cough*
Message sent . . . and received.
Later, at school, the PLL girls meet in the bathroom “in secret” for their Daily Pow Wow.
How many takes do you think it took for them to get THAT right?
The girls discuss what they’ve been doing since their
nonexistent tumultuous therapist-induced Friendship Breakup of Two Weeks ago. Aria has enrolled in a college class to stalk Fitzy keep Fitzy away from Jackie find other animals she can hide in her hair learn how to make pottery.
“Don’t look now, Aria. But I think a bird died in your hair.”
This is actually a surprising choice for Aria, considering that, up to this point, she has expressed positively NO interest in ceramics, and a lot of interest in WRITING. Given all that, wouldn’t it make sense for her to take a creative writing course, instead?
Spencer has been keeping HERSELF busy playing field hockey, fonding Abs Toby, and stalking her sister. And Emily has been packing for the move we all know she ISN’T going to end up going through with, while NOT watching movies with
temporary new girlfriend, Samara.
Of all the girls, Hanna has taken the breakup the worst. So bored is Hanna, that she has resorted to stealing hand lotions from the makeup counter again. FOR SHAME!
Is it any wonder that Hanna, in her extremely vulnerable state, takes one look at Lucas in his adorable “Nerds love Apple Pie” t-shirt, and immediately wants to
jump his adorkable bones re-friend him on Facebook.
“Face it, I’m the only guy on this show who actually gets attention for WEARING clothes.”
By the way, did you know that Lucas and Caleb are now living together? This is going to save Hanna SO MUCH gas money, when she inevitably starts having sex with them both (sometimes AT THE SAME TIME). It’s a recession economy, after all.
Hanna asks Lucas to hang out with her. And even though she’s broken his heart 1,000 times over, he takes pity on her shrink-sanctioned PLL-lessness, and invites her to yearbook club, after school. While ostensibly working on the yearbook, matchmaker Hanna can’t help but notice that
her future lover the same guy who used to sneak into the hospital to kiss her forehead is now ogling the chick that puts together the Appendix Section of the yearbook. (You GO Lucas! Way to make her jealous!)
“Don’t even TRY to fight it. You will be mine by Episode 12.”
Hanna encourages Lucas to make a go of it with Index Chick. However, Lucas isn’t exactly feeling up for the challenge. “You, of all people know my batting average, Hanna,” Lucas remarks.
Oh yeah, HE WENT THERE!
“I’m so good at girl-getting, I should write a book.”
Now, Lucas has Hanna feeling BOTH subconsciously jealous that he has moved on to another honey, AND super guilty for how she treated him in the past. (Current Score: Lucas: 2, Hanna: 0) So, Hanna approaches Index Chick (her name is “Danielle” by the way), and pulls the classic Romantic Comedy Film Move, by basically pretending Lucas is this Massively Popular Ladies Man, to whom she, herself, is attracted (Well, half of that is true.), in order to spark Danielle’s interest.
The plan works, flawlessly. And the Nerd Who Loves Apple Pie scores a supposedly-coveted date with Index Chick, even though we all KNOW his heart has never really left Hanna’s pocket. Later, a bewildered Lucas approaches Hanna, wondering why she went through all this trouble to try and get him laid by someone other than herself. Echoing her mother’s earlier words, Hanna remarks that she doesn’t want to be judged the rest of her life for her biggest mistakes. “People change,” she explains. “They grow.”
And that, my friends, was how the student became the teacher. (
It was also Lucas’ triumphant first step toward FINALLY getting inside the Marin Pantalones.)
But lest you think that Hanna has grown up SO MUCH, that she’s not fun anymore, wait until you see what she does at the end of the episode! You see, Hanna has overheard Papa le Douche fighting with his new fiance about their upcoming nuptials. She’s also been watching her mother flirt with her dad, like nobody’s business. And so when Hanna finds an unread text message to her dad from the fiance, apologizing, and expressing her undying devotion to him, she . . . DELETES IT FROM HIS PHONE!
Oh, Hanna, you naughty, naughty girl! Something tells me THAT decision is going to bite you in the ass BIG TIME, in the not-too-distant future.
Hopefully, by then you will be too busy screwing Lucas and/or Caleb to care.
Speaking of screwed . . .
Swimming with the fishes (and the forgers)
Now that “A” trashed Emily’s harddrive, she’s forced to (gasp) actually use PAPER AND PENCIL, when trying to communicate. How utterly barbaric!
If you recall, last week, Emily tried desperately to get the
Dartmouth Danbury Swim Team recruiter to give her a letter of guaranteed admission / scholarship to the college, so that she wouldn’t have to move to Texas . . . a Dreaded Red State. The problem, of course, was that all the recruiter was willing to give Emily was a “Maybe” letter, which she knew wasn’t going to be good enough to keep her mom in Rosewood. So, being the idiot optimistic, and forward thinker that she is, Emily decides to FORGE a more forceful recruitment letter on her own.
Later, in the school parking lot, Emily shows Aria and Hanna her handiwork . . .
“Ummm . . . Emily, I doubt that the college recruiter draws hearts over his ‘i’s” and signs his name with a happy face.”
Aria thinks the whole thing is a terrible idea, and that Emily will undoubtedly get caught. Hanna, however, thinks Emily is an ABSOLUTE EVIL GENIUS, and is SUPER PROUD of her bestie, for being so deliciously underhanded.
Umm . . . I hate to break it to you Hanna, but the only way YOU are getting into Harvard, is if your mom f*&ks the Dean, on your behalf . . . On second thought, welcome to the Ivy Leagues, Hanna!
Back at the Fields house, Emily shares an unusually sweet heart-to-heart with her mother. Apparently, while packing Mrs. Fields
(just like the cookies!) has come across some of Emily’s childhood things, and these have caused her to become unusually nostalgic.
“Aww! Your first diaper is in this box. Here, smell it!”
In the most welcome Personality Transplant, since Creepy Toby first took off his shirt (and we all suddenly decided he was charming) former Evil Homophobe Mama Fields apologizes to Emily for the pain she must have endured, while having to hide her sexuality from her family. Emily is touched by her mother’s words, and the two embrace. The exchange ultimately prompts Emily to rip up the faux
Dartmouth Danby Promise Letter, and toss it in the trash can. In hindsight, she probably should have used a shredder . . .
The next day, an excited Emily’s mom comes to her daughter’s room with a letter in her hand. SURPRISE! Its from
Emily Danby, promising Emily admission to the college, using the EXACT same unbelievably phony words Emily had originally written in her OWN letter. Understandably freaked out, the minute her mom leaves the room, Emily starts frantically rummaging through her trashcan to find the original letter fragments.
They are no where to be found.
“Wait . .. someone TAPED the letter together, and recopied it? This “A” sure must have A LOT of time on her hands.”
Having anticipated Emily’s dumpster dive, “A” cleverly left HER OWN little message in Emily’s trashcan, for her to find. It looked a little something like THIS . . .
Congratulations, PLL, you’ve just cooked up the most bizarrely contrived way possible to keep Emily on the show. The twenty or so aspiring actresses destined to be cast as her future girlfriends, thank you from the bottom of their heart. 😉
Speaking of contrived encounters . . .
Peekaboo, I see you . . . oh, wait . . . no I don’t
Forget the Opening Dream Sequence. This is the most frightening animated GIF I have ever laid eyes on!
Over at Hollis College, Fitzy and Aria are engaged in some intense PDA, simply BECAUSE THEY CAN BE!
This is Fitzy coming up for air, after spending an hour attached to Aria’s tongue . . .
But as we all know, on THIS show, NOBODY gets to makeout in peace. SOMEONE always has to be watching. This time, that someone is Fitzy’s VERY PISSY Ex Fiance / Fellow Teacher at Hollis / Facebook Friend, Jackie Molina . . .
Jackie Molina has just updated her Facebook status to: “Researching ways to murder diminutive high school students. . .” / Jackie has accepted a friend request from “A.”
In pottery class, Aria nearly poops herself, when she finds a a grinning Blind Jenna seated at the pottery wheel, leering at her with supposedly unseeing eyes . . .
“Do you like the piece I’m sculpting? I call it Toby’s Weiner.”
When the professor asks Aria’s name, she hesitates and says its “Anita.” I’m guessing “Anita” wasn’t on the class roster, but the professor didn’t seem to care too much. It’s nice to know that at the “prestigious” Hollis university, you could basically just show up at any class, offer a fake name, and take it for free. Imagine how much money you would save on getting an education!
Hmmm . . . now that I think about it, I probably should have deepened my voice, and used a man’s name, like Aaron. That would have really thrown off Blind Jenna.
Back at Fitzy’s house, he and Aria, are engaged in a little post-coital Blind Jenna talk.
Why the abundance of clothing, Fitzy? Don’t you remember what show you are on?
Fitzy wants Aria to play nice with Blind Jenna, and become her friend, despite the fact that she’s a Creepy Brother F*&ker, who paid a guy to seduce her best friend in order to obtain information about her. Their conversation reminded me of a similar one the pair had last year, in which Fitzy became obsessed with what a fabulous WRITER Blind Jenna was. So, let me get this straight, Aria and Blind Jenna are BOTH writers, they both love pottery, AND they are both taking courses at Hollis?
Is Blind Jenna, like Aria’s Evil Twin, or something?
You have to admit, there’s a resemblance there . . .
The next day, at pottery class, Aria has a close call when Jenna trips, and the professor asks “Anita” to help her. Fortunately, some dude, who’s probably dumb enough to be attracted to Blind Jenna offers to help instead. And yet, Aria, who isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, decides to stay after class, even though SHE AND BLIND JENNA are the only ones left in there.
Not surprisingly, Blind Jenna once again asks “Anita” for help. Except now, there’s no horny boy to take Aria’s place. At Jenna’s request, Aria places a light inside BJ’s ceramic bowl, and puts it on a nearby turntable . . .
Who knew pottery class could be so darn emotional? Suddenly, Jenna is getting all weepy, remembering the good old days
before Aria and co. lit a firecracker in her house while she was raping Abs Toby, blinding her for life when she used to be able to see. This, of course, makes Aria feel like crap, and probably wish she was at home fondling Fitzy’s naked stomach, instead of Blind Jenna’s ugly ass bowl . . .
Step aside Michaelangelo’s “David” . . . this is Aria’s “Fitzy”
Blind Jenna then starts randomly describing how lights reflected off the water, when she used to go swimming. She then asks “Anita” to describe for Blind Jenna what her pottery looks like. Aria basically repeats exactly what Blind Jenna said, “Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . it looks like you swimming . . . or something.”
Recognizing Aria’s voice, Blind Jenna angrily demands that she blow out the candle, leaving the pair alone together in the dark of an empty classroom. Aria reluctantly complies . . .
Just KIDDING! She’s fine, guys . . . Blind Jenna didn’t end up killing her . . . yet.
You know who’s LESS than fine though . . . Spencer.
“If you like it, than you should have put a ring on it.”
You GO, Abs Toby! Shake that ass!
For someone who’s “just getting his GED,” Abs Toby sure shows up at the high school often. Fortunately, for him, however, Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .
“This sure beats making out with Blind Jenna.”
Spencer wants Toby to have coffee with her in between classes. (Really, Spencer? You have enough time in between classes to have coffee? What kind of high school is this?) Unfortunately, Toby is heading off for his
weekly excuse to be half naked new job doing yardwork at Facelift Jason’s house.
Spencer NO LIKEY! She doesn’t trust Facelift Jason ONE BIT (partly, because she
can no longer recognize his face saw the movie Face Off, and it gave her nightmares).
Spencer begs Toby to get a job working for someone who ISN’T possibly a deranged killer. He’d love to do so, except for the fact that all the people in town who AREN’T deranged killers, think that TOBY killed Facelift Jason’s sister, Alison. And, therefore, won’t hire him. He WAS offered a job in Yardley, however, he has no car, and plans to use the cash he gets from Facelift Jason to pay for the used junker he found in the paper.
“Be careful, Toby! He already stole someone else’s face, hair, clothing, personality and HOME. He might steal your ABS, if you aren’t careful.”
Later that day, Snoopy Spencer arrives at Facelift Jason’s house, directly after Field Hockey practice, to ogle her hot shirtless and sweaty boyfriend. But, instead, she finds a not quite shirtless, but still hot and sweaty, Facelift Jason . . .
Though Facelift Jason tries to distract Spencer with his mesmerizing arms of steel, and obnoxiously perfect hair, a wily Spencer still notices someone moving behind the curtains in Facelift Jason’s home, even though he SWEARS no one else is living there but him. Who IS this mystery person? Is it Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian?
Is it Melissa?
Is it Maya, escaped from the PLL Lost Love Interest Vortex?
Perhaps, it could even be Jason 1.0 . . .
Spencer is confused, and freaked out by this development. And you know what THAT means. That’s right, my Pretties. IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER ALI FLASHBACK!
Spencer and Emily are having a sleepover at Spencer’s house, and complaining about how loud Stoner Jason and his pothead friends are partying next door, when a tearful Ali crashes their party. She HATES Jason, and can’t wait to rat him out to his grandparents, so they cut him out of their will. At first, Ali seems her usual, confident, bitchy self, but when she approaches the sink, we can see that she’s been crying. SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY . . . POSSIBLY VERY BAD . . . and Jason may have had something to do with it. Ali, eventually shrugs off her rare show of vulnerability, commenting on the poor quality of Spencer’s apples (huh?)
However, Spencer knows something is UP, as is evidenced by the return of Spencer Face . . .
Now, TOTALLY freaked out, an unusually needy an paranoid Spencer begs her AWFUL sister to stay with her, and protect her from the things that go bump in the night, like she used to back when they were kids.
Poor Spencer, she’s still naive enough to believe her sister is still a human being, and not the Evil Alien from Planet B*tch, she obviously become. Melissa icily deflects Spencer’s rare attempt at sisterly bonding, threatening her sister NOT to make her choose between her own flesh and blood and the creepy, probably dead, pedophile she married. The obvious, implication of her words being that she would choose the Pedo, ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday).
So, of course, this is the perfect time for Spencer to find Melissa’s missing wedding ring, which, as it turns out, has been conveniently hiding behind the toaster this whole time!
That’s OK Fitz . . . I thought it was pretty hilarious too!
Positively INCAPABLE of leaving well enough alone, Stalker Spencer heads to Facelift Jason’s house after school AGAIN. This time, she is rewarded for her dilligence, and actually DOES find Shirtless and Sweaty Abs Toby there.
OH HELL YES!
Facelift Jason’s there too, and he conveniently mistakes Spencer for Melissa. When asked about why, he tells her that she’s been
sucking his weiner helping him bury Creepy Pedo Ian’s body performing pagan rituals involving human sacrifices “bringing him misdelivered mail.” As if all this wasn’t suspcious enough, Facelift Jason “accidentally” allows one of his garbage bags to open on the floor in front of Spencer and Abs Toby.
Hot Damn! That’s a lot of BLOOD and CHINESE FOOD for one person. “I cut myself
when I was ripping off my old face, and putting on this new one,” mumbles Facelift Jason (Note to Facelift Jason: Learn how to lie better.)
Now, comes the part in the story when Spencer does the most AWFUL thing we have seen her do, since the beginning of the series. SHE PAWNS HER OWN SISTER’S WEDDING RING TO GET MONEY TO BUY TOBY HIS CAR!
Now, granted, I don’t like Melissa either. She’s a GENUINELY AWFUL PERSON. Plus, I’m pretty sure she has something to do with “A” and/or Ali’s death. But this is just WRONG with a capital “WRON.” Now, of course, Spencer planned to somehow buy back the ring, shortly after giving Toby his new/old car for the Yardley job. But still . . . it seems an unusually cold move for Spencer to make, not to mention STUPID.
I don’t want to be around when Melissa finds out.
So, of course, we all know it’s going to come back to bite her in the butt, don’t we? Not surprisingly, the last scene of the episode features the infamous GLOVED HAND buying back the ring from the pawn shop.
No glove, NO LOVE, Spencer! I hope you’ve invested in some good life insurance . . .
Oh . . . and I almost forgot to mention the best part . . . MY WREN’ is FINALLY BACK!
On one of their weekly Stakeouts in the Bushes, our PLL girls found My Future Husband, clad in sexy scrubs, meeting Melissa, late at night, and delivering to her VERY LARGE quantities of drugs (For whom? Ian? Melissa herself? Facelift Jason?)
My sentiments exactly, Spencer! That’s one fine piece of meat!
And, on that note, I bring my recap to an end. But feel free to check out THIS promo for next week’s PLL installment, which promises, among other things, MORE Wren (Yesssssssss! YIPPEE!), a COMPLETELY shirtless Facelift Jason (Oh, he’ll get along in Rosewood just fine), and the return of . . . Dead Alison?
That’s right, my Pretties! Things are getting GOOD! See you next week!