Whose Team are YOU on? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Catch Me If You Can”

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In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable!  Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters.  It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.

Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure?  Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death?  And who will end up sucking . . . blood?   Only time will tell, Fangbangers.  Time . . . and this recap, of course!

[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]

Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear

When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.

Silly Matt!  Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”

Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.”  So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”

This makes Klaus mad!

And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.

Run Matt, Run!  The Sexy Cabin is waiting!

The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.

“I feel so used!”

First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing.  Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .

Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .

“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend!  As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”

The video game ends and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin.  There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .

Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes

“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”

Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure.  It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .

Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it.  Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!

So, Damon and Elena have sex!

(Actually, they don’t.  But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week.  And I decided to use a little poetic license.  So, sue me!)

Team Lonely Hearts

“Dear Diary . . . blah, blah, blah Elena . . . blah, blah, blah Feelings .  . . blah, blah, blah SO SAAAAAAAAAD . . . blah, blah, blah I’M FREAKING HUNGRY!”

Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’t Stefan’s Mopey Diary.  Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing.  Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself.  And besides . . .

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 . . . when he’s not perpetually Boo-Hooing over Elena, This Guy is actually kind of HOT!  Who knew?

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Yes, I do, Stefan.  You look goooood.

Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone.  You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.

“Go Team Stebekah!”

From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two.  They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.

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I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!

“I didn’t mean to do it!  I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”

Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair

Oh crap!  Are these two staring at candles again?

“It’s just so . . . beautiful!  I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”

Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case.  She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.

“Scenery chewing is a federal offense.  You’re under arrest, douchebag!”

“Cool!  I’m getting arrested.  This is totally going to up my street cred!”

Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .

Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring.  To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”

In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”

“Honestly, I just really hate candles.”

All Hail, Kol Mikaelson!

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I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense.  I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?”  It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad, just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff.  So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?

(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .)

Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”

Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.

So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.”  For one thing, check out the floor . . .

“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.

Gee!  Ya think?

You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?

Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response.  Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .

This is what happens to people who hang out  in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .

“Chill out, guys!  Get it . . . chill?  Because we’re in a freezer.  Whatever!  Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious!  You millennials have no sense of humor!”

In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .

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At first, Kol actually behaves pretty peaceably.  He calmly explains to the duo a simple formula that even they can understand.  And here it is . . .

                     awakening Silas = bringing about the Apocalypse

bringing about the Apocalypse = BAD

DON’T WAKE SILAS!

Damon and Jer Bear ponder this for a moment, and decide,  “Nah, Apocalypse, Shmockalypse.  We should wake Silas anyway . . . after all, it’s FOR ELENA!”

So, Kol is forced to take matters into his own hands . . .

“Is it Friday yet?”

Bonnie Bennett is THE CLOSER

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Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople?  Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch!  Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.

And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show.  Think about it.  What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today?  Police procedurals and Supernatural shows.  So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers?  Not bad, right?

Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

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Seriously?  Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!

The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .

“Dammit Bonnie!  Now I’ll never be a hand model!”

And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.

Team Klaus and Elena?

While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .

I never said she was, Tyler.  Thou doth protest too much?

 . . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour.  There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .

“Payback’s a b*tch.”

We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .

It’s Jeremy!  Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .

“Hey Elena!  Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”

Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance.  Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being.  So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Sup, bro?”

“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”

“No sh*t!  Me too!”

It’s a real testament to Klaus’ stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.

Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert.  And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .

Team ?

More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.

Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again.  Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis?  One night stands are one thing.  But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?

Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!

The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON?  Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .

This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .

Team Zombie Damon?

“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”

“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”

“Must . . . kill .  . . him . . . anyway.”

I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating.  You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled.  So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing.  The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy.  And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart.  Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”

It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!

Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem.  (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)

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Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much.  “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .

Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena.  Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One.  Guys hate that!  How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?

Exactly!

Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here.  Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA.  That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER.  Stefan loved Elena.  Damon loves Elena.  Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much.  Hence, these are two totally different situations.  Comprende?

Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help.  And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.

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Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”

“Your turn!”

This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .

Team Stelena Team Stefan and PRIDE

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Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon.  Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her.  And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..

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There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond.  And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy.  So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves.  But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .

She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has.  She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .

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And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from.  Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . . Why does that make him more attractive to me?  Clearly, I have issues.

But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line.  After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old?  And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years?  Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey.  And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a human, in love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.

So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan?  He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .

This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .

But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day.  Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently.  Ouch!

Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .

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Honestly, with all the stress they’ve been under, can you blame Stefan and Rebekah for wanting to end their day with a little No Frills Sex?

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Now, maybe it’s just me.  But, somehow, I don’t see the “Girl Who Loved Too Easily” . . .

 . . . and Broody McCryFace . . .

 . . . being successful in this whole “Friends with Benefits” undertaking.

Of course, I could be wrong . . .

In Other News . . .

Klaus has just threatened to take Jeremy on one of his “Let’s Murder, Roadtrips.”

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And we all know how those tend to work out . . .

So, Elena has another idea.  “Let’s KILL KOL!”  She tells Jeremy excitedly.

You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG.  But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!

Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs?  That’s OK, neither does she!

Next week, on TVD . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – A Look Back at Some of the Most Pivotal Scenes in Ripper Stefan Canon (Part I)

DAMON: “Psst, don’t you think it’s weird that TV Recappers and Imaginary Men are doing a blog series on YOU?  I mean, isn’t everything related to this show, on BOTH of those blogs, usually about ME?”

STEFAN:  “Yes .  . . but things have changed.  I’m EVIL now.  Girls like evil.  Didn’t you get the memo?” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  September 15th is just a few short weeks away.  Before we know it, Damon, Elena, and the gang will be back on our TV screens, compelling us to watch them . . .

This, of course, begs the question:  “How have YOU been preparing for The Vampire Diaries Season 3 return?  Perhaps, you’ve tried out a new diet . . .

 . . . or spent time cuddled in bed with a loved one?

Maybe, you’ve sat yourself down on the proverbial therapist’s couch, in order to figure out what you’ve got hiding underneath those metaphorical “blankets” .  . .

Perhaps, you’ve been trying hard to forget the past, in hopes that you can stop it from haunting you . . .

As for me, and my fabulous blogging pal, Amy, over at Imaginary Men, we’ve been spending the hiatus, revisiting some of The Vampire Diaries’ most pivotal moments . . . and revisting them . . . and revisiting them . . .

During this exercise, one of the things we’ve found particularly intriguing was the evolution of Ripper Stefan.  As you know, Ripper Stefan, much like his companions, Naked Damon . . .

  . . . and Ponytail Elena . . .

 . . . have ALWAYS been a part of TVD canon.  But they only show themselves at pivotal moments during the series  . . .

In this web series, Amy and I will be reviewing four pivotal scenes in the evolution of Ripper Stefan.  The first one, you can read RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  The second one, will be featured on Amy’s Blog (hopefully, this coming Thursday).  The third one will be back on this blog, and  .  . .

 . . . well . . . you get the idea . . .

So, let’s get started with the Ripper Redux!  After all, when it comes right down to it, cannibalism IS just another form of Brotherly Love .  . .

Ripper Redux- Scene 1: “We can do this . . . TOGETHER!”

Episode: “Blood Brothers” – 1 X 20

Stefan Salvatore:  A bleeding heart, who makes hearts bleed . . . 

(Click the internal link to view)

Setting the Scene: 

Having both died with Vampire Katherine’s blood in their systems, Stefan and Damon awaken one fateful morning, in 1864, to find themselves “in transition,” half human  / half vampire.  Now, they are faced with a choice:  Feed on human blood within the next three days, and become a FULL vampire . . . or die of starvation.

In other news, I believe this is the ONLY time in Vampire Diaries history, in which Stefan and Damon can both be found shirtless in the same frame.  And, trust me, I’ve looked!

Damon — who can’t imagine a life without the woman he loves (Katherine, at this time, is presumed dead) — seems fairly certain that he will choose death over the alternative.  Stefan agrees, but seems a bit less certain of his decision than his brother.  But then the younger Salvatore brother greets . . . and eats  . . . his murderous vampire-slaying jackass of a dad, in his childhood home.  That’s when ALL BREAKS LOOSE . . . in Stefan’s soul.

Potent Quotables:

STEFAN:  “I brought her for you.  She is a gift.”

DAMON: “What have you done, Stefan?”

STEFAN:  (about his father) “He was dying and the blood was too strong .  . . I needed it.  I had to have it.”

STEFAN: “My body is exploding with power, Damon.  I can hear things from far away.  I can see through the darkness.  I can move like it’s magic.  And the guilt?  The pain?  Damon, I can turn it off like a switch.  Katherine was right.  It’s a whole ‘nother world out there, Damon.”

DAMON: “Katherine is dead, Stefan.  There is no world without her.”

STEFAN: “No.  You can turn that off too!  You don’t have to feel that, pain anymore!”

DAMON: “I don’t want it.”

STEFAN: “You are weak. You’ll be dead soon.  You NEED  THIS.  You’ll DIE.  . . Don’t fight it.  We can do this .  . . TOGETHER!”

Why it’s essential to RIPPER CANON:

Before we get started, can any of you Pretty Little Liars fans out there confirm for me whether or not the girl who plays “Dinner” in
this scene is, in fact, Troian Bellisario, a.k.a. Spencer Hastings from PLL?

I suspect she’s NOT, because I didn’t notice the credit on her IMDB page (and you would think, of all prior film and television credits, THIS would be one she’d definitely want on there!).  And yet, every time Iook at “Dinner,” all I see is “Spencer,” particularly, at the beginning of the scene, when Damon asks, “Who’s THAT?”  It’s really quite distracting . . .

“Please don’t eat me, you big sexy vampire, YOU!  I’ve got enough problems with “A” out to ruin my life.”

Anyway, on to the scene . . .

The most obvious parallel between THIS scene, and the one between Stefan and Klaus in the finale, comes right out in the first sentence
Stefan utters.  Stefan refers to “Dinner” as a “gift” that Damon should be honored to “rip into.”  Years later, Klaus uses the same concept of
“gift” to entice Stefan to feed, not just on human BLOOD, but on a REAL HUMAN girl, just like “Dinner.”

It’s probably worth noting, that back in 1864, blood bags weren’t as readily available as they are today.   Therefore, I suspect that MOST of the
vampires living in Mystic Falls back then (as well as the vampires in Katherine’s and Klaus’ time) fed almost exclusively on HUMAN blood.  They did so, not necessarily because they loved doing it, but because that’s what they needed to do, in order to survive.

This would seem to soften the blow of what Stefan is asking of his brother, thereby, making it seem slightly more humane, at least in
context.  But Stefan’s remorseless detailing to Damon about how he ate their DAD, because he “had to have [his blood],” tends to erase any sympathy we might have otherwise mustered for him in this scene.  No matter how AWFUL a person is, I really don’t think anyone deserves to be eaten alive by their own son.  Do you?

In Stefan’s defense, this guy kind of SUCKED .  . . 

Next, we witness Stefan’s “pitch” to Damon about the“Wonders of Vampirism.”  And, boy, does he sell it!  This monologue was undoubtedly a tough one for Paul Wesley deliver.  In the hands of a lesser actor, you could imagine these words coming out sounding too cliché, or Scooby Doo-esque, a parody of themselves.

“Mmmmm, just like Dad used to make taste.” 

Yet, Paul delivers the lines like a coke addict, who is jonesing off his very first taste.  It’s the right choice for the character.  After all, blood IS a drug, for Stefan.  It allows him to experience a sort of manic euphoria that he would never allow himself to enjoy in an un-altered state.

In the ultimate role reversal, we see Damon (noticeably weakened from having purposefully allowed himself to live bloodless for a couple of days) looking at his transformed brother with a mixture of fear, concern, pity, and just a twinge of self-righteousness.  Of course, in the present day, we have seen Stefan give Damon THIS look many times.  But for Damon, this seems to be somewhat of a first.

I’m totally judging you, right now  . . . 

I mention self-righteousness.  And yet, surprisingly enough, I’m not actually referring to Damon judging Stefan for eating his dad, nor for his
unrelenting enjoyment of being a vampire.  Rather, Damon judges Stefan for not LOVING Katherine enough to TRULY be willing to die for her.  However, the  fact that Damon seems to LOVE Katherine more than Stefan does, gives him no joy.  As we later learn, a big part of  Damon’s turning on Stefan, and threatening him with an “eternity of misery,” stems from his resentment that Katherine chose to feed Stefan her blood, in addition to Damon.

Yet amidst all this drug pushing, violence, jealousy and cannibalism, there is a surprising amount of brotherly love in this scene.  And though he may be doing it for his own selfish reasons (most notably, a fear of spending eternity alone), I suspect there is a part of Stefan, even in his darkest incarnation, that genuinely wants what’s best for his brother.  And to Stefan, what is best for Damon is LIVING!

“Here I am .  . . just chillin.’  Living La Vida Vampire.” 

“You are weak . . . You’ll be dead soon.  You need this!  You’ll die,” pleads Stefan, clutching at his brother’s shirt, in desperation.

Even during Damon’s first feeding, Stefan, in his own twisted way, seems insistent on showing brotherly affection and concern for the
elder Salvatore.  Observe how he gently clutching his brother’s shoulder, offering him both physical and emotional support, as he takes his first taste.

“Hey, Stefan!  Can you get out of here!  Can’t you see I’m trying to get laid?” 

These aforementioned “brotherly moments” have echoes throughout the series.  The first echo appears in “The Last Day,” when Damon makes the unilateral decision to force feed Elena his blood, in order to prevent the possibility of HER death by Klaus.  She sees his actions as selfish.  But he sees them, at least at the time, as her only TRUE chance at survival.

The second echo comes during the finale, when Stefan literally sells his soul to the Devil, also so that Damon . . . can LIVE.

“This is Martyr Stefan speaking.  How can I personally sacrifice for your happiness today?” 

Back in 1864, Stefan enticed his hungry and weak brother to complete his vampire transition, so that the two of them could spend eternity
TOGETHER.  But a furious Damon rebuffed his entreaties.  And for many years, Stefan walked the Earth without his “other half.”  Now, in the present day, Stefan again must walk ALONE without his brother.  Only this time, the choice to do so was all HIS . . .

Amy’s Take:

For me “Blood Brothers” will forever be the episode that aired while I was en route to Las Vegas. I was so desperate to see it though, that I asked my friend who I was visiting to DVR it FOR me so I could sneak in a watch between all my various crazy Vegas shenanigans! I just COULD NOT wait 5 whole days to see how “As the Salvatores Turned” came out!

And it did not disappoint. This episode is full of angst, emotional torture, guilt, resentment, pain, and extra broodiness. It not only reveals the absolute core of the Salvatore’s relationship – but it has the added bonus of super hot Paul Wesley’s tank-topped shoulders, AND Paul Wesley pulling out a pretty extraordinary performance as a man who is is so tired and pained by the the choices he’s made that he’s ready to die for his own mistakes.

Early on in the episode, Stefan is brooding in his basement prison at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. He doesn’t seem mad that his brother and
girlfriend conspired to stab him with vervain and lock him up until he detoxes from his bloodlust. Mostly he just seems determined to do what he should have done 140 years before: die.

“After what I’ve done, it has to end. I just want it over”

When Elena relays Stefan’s mood to Damon, he scoffs with a dismissive, he’s just being dramatic….typical Stefan Martyr stuff which means
that not only has Stefan had previous bouts of “Martyr stuff”, but that Damon has been around to witness it and doesn’t take it at all seriously.

But Stefan is taking his martyrdom quite seriously this time – he’s not just upset with himself for falling off the wagon and lunching on Amber the Beauty Queen, he’s upset with himself for EVERY SINGLE DECISION HE’S MADE SINCE BECOMING A VAMPIRE. Just a century plus of guilt being carried on his (sexy, muscular) shoulders! He tells Elena, I’m making the decision I should have made years ago by letting himself starve to death (or later on possibly burn to death.)

This episode is so much about choices: how we make them, how they define us, how, our actions are what set things in motion, but we have to
live with that as Elena tells suicidal Stefan. Stefan did not have a choice to drink from Katherine – he was compelled to – so his LACK of choice – set everything after into motion. He chose (a bit reluctantly IMO compared w/ Damon’s resoluteness not to transition fully) not to become a vampire, but then his instincts when faced with his bleeding-to-death-dad caused him to make his first shameful choice: to drink and become a vampire.

Side note: Of all the terrible things we’ve seen/heard of Damon doing, I have to say watching Stefan accidentally kill, but then FEAST from his own DAD was for me, one of the more disturbing acts on this show.  Vampirism by Patricide – that’s pretty intense! It is also the very first “decision” of Stefan’s that will forever haunt him.

I fully echo Julie’s description of High-on-Blood-Stefan giving his best “come to the dark side” pitch to his horrified brother. This whole arc of Bloodaholic Stefan was so perfectly played by Paul.  He really IS an addict – it becomes clear that Damon drinks human blood because  he likes it – Stefan drinks it because he loves it – it erases everything that hurts him, …the guilt, the pain…I can turn it off!

I got the feeling watching this episode that Stefan was much more “the alpha” between the brothers during their human life.

“Oh Stefan, this is the best Hide and Seek Spot EVER!  They will never find us here . . .”

At the start, as he and Damon watch in horror as Katherine is carted away by the pitchfork wielding townsfolk – it is Stefan who comes up w/the plan to cause a distraction and directs Damon to go get Katherine.  As they attempt to rescue her, it is Stefan who is issuing Damon orders on getting her untied. And when it is time to transition or die – it is Stefan who comes, “gift” in hand (as it were) to show his brother how it’s done.

“You just put your lips together, and SUCK!” 

“Eww.”

The actual turning scene had me on the edge of my seat. For one thing – I’m pretty sure “Dinner” has been compelled by Stefan as she has that glassy-eyed stare and isn’t screaming or struggling.  So Stefan has already learned a nifty and dangerous vampire trick. Damon’s horror is visceral – you can see how repulsed he is by this offering and how freaked out he is that his brother has broken their vow and gone ahead with the transition. But a true hallmark of Bloodaholic Stefan is his desperation – he is DESPERATE for Damon to join him, to experience what he’s feeling, to not feel the pain of losing Katherine, to explore the “whole new world” that lays before them – together . . .

And there you have it, Fangbangers.  Part 1 of our 4 part series on the Evolution of Ripper Stefan . . .

Be sure to stop by Imaginary Men on Thursday for Part 2 . . . or else Damon will be very upset . . .

. . .  and Stefan might cry . . .

And we wouldn’t want THAT, would we?

[**** UPDATE:  PART 2 of this Series is NOW available! *****]

View it HERE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Worst of Both Worlds – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Klaus”

ELENA:  “So, what you are telling me is that Klaus is your ‘brotha from anotha papa?'”

ELIJAH:  “Hells yeah, shortie!”

ELENA:  “That’s off the heezy!”

ELIJAH:  “Fo schizzle, my dizzle.”

Oh, TVD!  How you slay me with your Twisty Turny Plot Devices!  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still recovering from the multiple stakes this show has driven through my heart, in the course of a single hour.  Every time I thought I had things figured out, in popped those wily writers again, to stab me with a new piece of information that would undoubtedly change everything . . .

Admittedly, like most of the show’s Flashback Episodes, “Klaus” was a tad more “talk-y” than your average Vampire Diaries’ installment.  And yet, the hour still packed a few MAJOR punches, thanks to some truly shocking revelations, which were very politely brought to our attention, courtesy of THIS GUY . . .  

That’s right, my fellow fangbangers!  Elijah is back!  And if history any indication, he’s quickly shaping up to be the “New Stefan”  . . . or perhaps, more accurately, the Old One.  Of course,  if Elijah is the New/Old Stefan, that begs a very important question:  Who’s Klaus?

“In the iconic words of Damon Salvatore, ‘That’s for me to know, and you to dot, dot, dot . . .”

As you may have already guessed, our mission this week, should we choose to accept it, is to learn more about the titular “Klaus.”   Where did he come from?  What makes him tick?  And, perhaps, most importantly, what the heck does he want with OUR Elena? 

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Don’t Wake The Elijah!

ELIJAH:  “I just had the most AWFUL dream, Elena!  I came to your lakehouse to talk to you, and you DROVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART!  Then, someone stuck me in the trunk of their car, dragged me back to this mansion, and threw me in a wine cellar.  After that, someone tried to SET ME ON FIRE WITH A BLOW TORCH!  That didn’t work.  So, I laid DEAD, on the COLD HARD FLOOR, for MANY, MANY EPISODES .  . .”

ELENA:  *whistles awkwardly*

We begin our episode right where we left off, last week.  Elena has just “de-staked” Elijah (something we all know she is VERY good at doing) . . .

“That’s right, Elena, you just keep pulling it out . .  . HARD!”

So, now, our heroine is just waiting for him to “wake up.”  And, “wake up,” Elijah DOES!  Of course, lying with a stake in your heart for many, many days,  would take it’s toll on ANYBODY.  So, to say Elijah is not exactly “at his best,” when Elena first sees him, is pretty much the Biggest Understatement EVER . . .

 His hair still looks fabulous though .  . .

I’ll be honest, when Elijah first opens his eyes to the woman who gave him the “Big Sleep,” I expect some  Vampire Rose-esque CRAAAAAAZY MAN Vampire Hijinks, complete with lots of growling, and images of Elena skittering around the mansion, like a scared mouse. 

Ahhh, memories!

But Poor Elijah is much more the Confused Old Grandpa, Who Just Misplaced his Pants, than a Savage Beast.  And I can’t help feeling kind of bad for the guy, as he stumbles and trips around the Salvatore Mansion, clothes torn, and face ashen. 

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He repeatedly mistakes Elena for Katherine, and complains of difficulty breathing.  Remember, just because he was DRAGGED into “Elena’s” house, didn’t necessarily mean he was INVITED in there.  (Nice TOUCH, TVD!)

“Might I trouble you for a spot of tea?”

By the time, Elijah has successfully escaped Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, and Elena has silently handed him the White Oak Dagger that brought about his untimely demise, he seems more relieved to have the color back in his oh-so-pretty face, than anything else.  So, off “new besties” Elijah and Elen go to “hug it out” outside. 

Meanwhile, Stefan and Damon share a Bad Sitcom Moment, when they simultaneously realize that Elena is missing, and so is their Token Dead Guy . . .

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You can almost hear the artificial laugh track, as the brothers do matching facepalms, at the entranceway of the now-empty wine cellar . . .

While Elena and Elijah are chatting in the car, Stefan calls Elena’s cell phone.  She explains that Stefan shouldn’t worry.  She’s got everything under “control.”  After all, Elijah is a “noble man”, and she can “trust him.”  (Uhhhh . . . I don’t know, Stefan.  It sounds like a precursor to Hot Car Sex to me!)

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“I think you are really going to enjoy this, Elena.  I’ve been boning chicks, since the Days of the Caveman.  I know what women want.”

After Elena hangs up on his ass, Stefan acts kind of blase about the whole thing.  Some might even say he seems bored.  Stefan explains that he trusts his girlfriend to do the Right Thing, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Damon is SUPER PISSED!  NOBODY should be having sex with Elena in a car, EXCEPT HIM!

 (Fortunately, for Elijah, Damon is more of a Shower Sex Guy than a Backseat Car Humper . . . otherwise, the Dude would SO be DEAD, by now!)

(Just so you know, my goal is to somehow include this GIF in EVERY SINGLE RECAP I write for this show, between now and the finale.  I do hope you won’t mind. ;))

“We need to find her.  And we need to stop her,” exclaims Damon fiercely.

But Stefan forcefully grabs Damon, and tells him to “back off,” in the Brothers’ first of many “Bad Touches” (TM Cherie) of the evening . . .

Back in the Luuuuve Mobile, Elijah has tentatively agreed to resume his alliance with Elena, and to tell her everything he knows about Klaus.  But first, he needs a shower (Ahem!  No funny stuff, Elijah!)  and some new threads.  (Silly vampires, and their Fashion Requirements!) 

So, off the twosome head to the Lockwood Mansion to compel Mama Lockwood to give Elijah some clothes.  It’s in this mansion that the pair spend the majority of the episode, sipping tea and gossiping like school girls about the Good Old Days of Elijah and Klaus . . .

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I SMELL FLASHBACKS!

So, Tonight We’re Going to Party Like it’s 1492 . . .

KATHERINE:   “Lords Klaus and Elijah, you have the MOST FASCINATING HAIR  . . . you must introduce me to your stylists.”

ELIJAH:  “We’d love to . . . except . . . Klaus ate him last week . . .”

It is at this moment in the episode that the First Bombshell of the Hour is dropped . . . Klaus and Elijah are brothers .  . .

The siblings come from a large family, who, though born to human parents, ALL eventually became vampires.  (Way to create a Neverending Cavalcade of Prospective Villains for Season 3, writers!)  Apparently, ALL vampires (including Damon, Stefan, and Katherine herself) can be traced back in origin to this First Family . . .

This is what I like to call having a “Darth Vader is Your Dad and Probably F*&ked BOTH Your Girlfriends” moment . . .

Speaking of Katherine, Elijah meets her first.  And in true Salvatore Brothers fashion, it become immediately obvious that she “looks just like a woman he used to love.”  That’s right, boys and girls!  Katherine WASN’T the first Petrova Doppelganger to win the hearts of two Sibling Vamps.  In fact, it’s pretty heavily implied that her predecessor was a SERIOUS object of affection for BOTH Elijah and Klaus.  And it was HER untimely death, in the service of a Very Special Curse (more on that later), that caused the brothers to “close their hearts to love for good,” or so they thought . . .

At this point in the story, Elijah and Klaus are still pretty close.  Knowing that Klaus needs Katherine for his Sacrifice, Elijah introduces the Doppelganger to Klaus, personally.  And, to Elijah’s credit, he is a pretty SOLID Wingman, when it comes to getting these two Crazy Kids to hook up with one another . . .

 But then Klaus makes a fatal mistake in the Wooing of Katherine.  It’s a mistake commonly made by television characters involved in love triangles.   Fans of the old show Dawson’s Creek lovingly refer to this mistake as the Dawson Leery Lady-Bedding Blunder . . .

This TV Relationship No-No occurs when a character repeatedly neglects the object of their affection, thereby allowing their more charming and romantic (not to mention better looking) friend or sibling to swoop in and steal their girl away, usually FOR GOOD!

Stefan Salvatore, consider yourself warned . . .

We know, for certain, that the Bedding Blunder has happened, when we spy Katherine and Elijah FROLICKING together in the woods.  (Man!  Sometimes, I wish I lived during a time when people still “frolicked!”)

Katherine is flirtatiously pouting about Klaus not spending enough time with her.  Elijah half-heartedly sticks up for his brother.  But by the way he keeps making googly eyes at Katherine, you can tell Elijah no longer believes a word of what he’s saying.  And when Elijah tells Katherine he doesn’t believe in love, it’s SO obviously a case of “thou doth protest too much,” it’s not even funny!  More interesting is Katherine’s response, “True love isn’t real, unless it’s pretend.” 

This one-liner actually goes pretty far in explaining some of Katherine’s more head-scratching actions throughout the series.  Katherine is a lot like Klaus, in the sense that, to her, love is a game, one that can only be won through manipulation and the gaining of power over another individual.

Power . . . LOST!

Unfortunately, for Katherine, this time, SHE is the one getting played.  Because Klaus too has a theory about love.  He equates it with weakness.  And because he thinks it makes him “weak,” Klaus has decided to turn off any feelings of love he might genuinely have for Katherine.

It’s time for the Second Bombshell of the Episode.  In the next flashback scene, we see Elijah and Klaus poring over those Aztec Parchment documents that supposedly detail the Sun and Moon Curse.  The problem is, the documents weren’t created by Aztecs at all!  KLAUS WROTE THEM HIMSELF!

Yep, the Sun and the Moon Curse, with all its “ingredients,” (i.e. the witch, the vampire, the werewolf . . . etc.), it’s all COMPLETELY FAKE — a diversion tactic to keep the various races of supernatural creatures at odds with one another.  The curse Klaus ACTUALLY wants to break is one witches placed on HIM, specifically.  And it’s only ingredients are the Petrova Doppelganger and the Moonstone. 

This, of course, leads me to the Third Bombshell of the episode.  “Klaus and I have the same mother,” explains Elijah.  “But we do not share the same father . . . Klaus’ father was . . . (wait for it) . . . a WEREWOLF!”

“Say WHAT?”

So, basically, the REAL Sun and Moon Curse has NOTHING to do with werewolves being able to change at will.  Nor does it involve vampires being able to walk in the sun, without sunscreen rings.  It all has to do with Klaus, and his now-dormant WEREWOLF abilities.  If Klaus breaks THIS curse, he will become the World’s Very First Wolf / Vampire Hybrid. 

Now, the thought of THIS GUY as a WERE-VAMP, alone, is pretty frightening.  But, try this on for size:  Klaus’ ULTIMATE goal is to start a WHOLE NEW RACE of Vampire / Wolf  Hybrids.  So, if you are lucky enough to be one of the Chosen Ones . . .

But, if not . . . well . . .

Now, totally and completely in love with Katherine, Elijah spills the beans to her about Klaus’ plans.  This, of course, results in a VERY pissed off Klaus . . .

“I have a VERY BIG MOUTH . . . the better to EAT YOUR FACE with!

According to Elijah, he had come up with a plan to save Katherine.  This plan involved killing his own brother, after the Curse was Broken, during the vulnerable time period of his first werewolf transformation.  (Now, THAT’S what I call love!)

  But, as we all know, Elijah never had the chance to carry out his plan.  Katherine ran from Elijah and Klaus.  She then ultimately tricked Rose into turning her into a vampire. 

“You cared about her,” notes Captain Obvious Elena.

“It’s a common mistake, I’m told,” admits Elijah.  “One I won’t make again.”

(Oh, Elijah . . . don’t you realize you are on the Everybody Loves Elena Show?  I hate to break this to you, dude!  But  your DEFINITELY going to make that mistake AGAIN!)

“Alas, I suspect you are right, oh wise, TV Recapper!  But at least, THIS time,  I will have less ridiculous hair . . .”

Anyway . . . back in Present Day, Klaus is still alive and well.  And Elena is paying the price for her “twin’s” now centuries old mistakes . . .

Speaking of Katherine, things are DEFINITELY looking up for her, lately . . .

Going Rogue . . .

DAMON:  “So, I hear we are getting to do some Almost Nude Scenes together this week?”

ANDIE:  “You are going to be ALMOST NUDE?”  *does little dance of joy*

DAMON:  “Nope . . . just YOU.”

ANDIE:  “Well, that’s LAME!”

DAMON:  “I know, right?”

Purposefully ignoring Stefan’s instructions to sit on the bench for this round of the Save Elena Games, Damon commandeers Sex Toy Andie to Go Rogue with him.  (Can I just say, never has the phrase “Go Rogue” sounded sexier, than when it was coming out of Ian Somerhalder’s lips.)  The so-called couple pays a visit to Alaric’s house, where Damon knows that Katherine is currently doing some compulsion-induced house-sitting.  (If, by chance, you are wondering where AlarKlaus is?  More on him later . . .)

“Hey, I’m bored.   You guys up for a threesome?”

Having been compelled not to leave the house, Katherine is understandably a bit grumpy, when Damon and Andie arrive.  After all, Katherine’s not exactly someone used to staying home, and missing out on all the good parties!  But hey, at least she’s not repeatedly stabbing her leg, anymore!

Progress!

Damon generously offers Kat a vial of vervain, reasoning that, since the pair both share a true hatred for Klaus, a Non-Compelled Kat will be a WAY more helpful asset to the Save Elena Games than a compelled one. 

Plus, now, she’s going to owe him, BIG TIME!

CHUG .  . . CHUG .  . . CHUG!

To celebrate her newfound Freedom from Mind Control, Katherine decides to numb her mental faculties in ANOTHER WAY, namely, by getting COMPLETELY WASTED on Alchy Alaric’s SUBSTANTIAL Liquor Stash, and dancing sluttily around the apartment with various inanimate household objects . . .

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My kind of girl!

But, then, AlarKlaus comes home unexpectly, following an impromptu “date” with Useless Aunt Jenna.  This forces Kat to do two things to which many teens can relate: (1) pretend to be sober, when she’s clearly not; and (2) pretend to follow “dad’s” orders, when she quite obviously no longer gives a DAMN!

Speaking of AlarKlaus’ and his “date” . . .

Do you like SCARY MOVIES, Useless Aunt Jenna?  (Because you are in one!)

“So, let me get this straight . . . vampires are real . . . and so are werewolves . . . and witches.  This probably means that zombies are real too . . . and wizards . . . and the Boogey Man . . . and the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny . . . and SANTA Claus (Klaus?)  So, many supernatural creatures of questionable trustworthiness to invite into my home, and so little time!  I better get started now.”

Useless Aunt Jenna wakes up from her two-episode hiatus, and suddenly remembers (gasp!), “I have minors I am supposed to be pretending to care about!”  So, she comes back to her house to try and remember what the heck these kids look like.  The problem, of course, is, they both have magically DISAPPEARED. 

(Actually, Jeremy is hanging out in a grave somewhere, with Wicked Witch Bonnie, and Elena is busy partying it up with the SECOND most dangerous vampire in the WORLD!  And what Responsible Parent would have a problem with that?)

“So, Elena’s banging vampires, huh?  Well, at least we won’t have to worry about her getting pregnant!”

Silly Stefan!  When Useless Aunt Jenna calls him to ask about her “kids'” whereabouts, he warns her not to let AlarKlaus into her home.  Doesn’t he realize that, now that he’s TOLD her NOT to do something, that’s EXACTLY what she’s going to do?  I mean, we are talking about Useless Aunt Jenna here, a.k.a. Little Miss Open Your Legs House for All Super Villains!

Fortunately, Stefan is smart enough to rush over to Jenna’s place, where AlarKlaus (SURPRISE!) is already making himself comfortable, by playing with his “girlfriend’s” boobies carving knives . . .

(I swear, this whole scene was SO remininscent of the original Scream opener, that I almost had Dead Drew Barrymore flashbacks . . .)

In what I can only imagine was an even MORE obvious homage to Scream (after all, Kevin Williamson wrote that one too), AlarKlaus begins to taunt Useless Aunt Jenna, with a series of increasingly creepy questions about whether or not she believes in vampires.  Finally (though it took a REALLY long time, especially considering what the REAL Alaric put Jenna through, just a few episodes before), U.A.J. gets up the balls to ask AlarKlaus to get the F*&K out of her HOUSE!  Then, when he refuses, SHE decides to leave instead! 

This prompts AlarKlaus to go all Knife Wielding Psycho Killer on Jenna’s ass, which prompts Stefan to do THIS . . .

Way to go, STEFFY!

Mesmerized by the sight of her niece’s boyfriend trying to slice through the neck of her now-Abusive and Psychotic Ex, Dumbass Jenna just stands in the corner, with her jaw hanging open, and drool coming out of the sides of her mouth.  This forces Stefan to VAMP OUT on her, so that it will FINALLY occur to her to LEAVE!

 “I’m getting ANGRY, Jenna!  And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry . . .”

Upon hearing from Stefan what went down, Elena takes a break from her Hot Date with Elijah to comfort a clearly mindblown Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

Less Clueless, but still just as Useless . . .

Poor U.A.J!  It’s emotive scenes like this that make me realize that Sara Canning can actually ACT really well.  She just hasn’t really been given much opportunity to do so in this TOTALLY THANKLESS ROLE! 

She even managed to make STEFAN cry!

“I’m supposed to be the one who protects YOU,” Useless Aunt Jenna whines, in what was clearly the most unintentionally hilarious line of the ENTIRE episode.  “I’m scared,” she whispers.

Umm . . . Jenna?  Newsflash:  YOU SHOULD BE!

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . .

“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

After Elena goes back to Elijah, the Salvatore Brothers remain, alone and equally broody, in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Stefan chooses this TOTALLY inappropriate time to make a snide comment about Damon’s unabashed use of Sex Toy Andie to satisfy his “needs.”  “You should be happy she’s here, because it keeps me from going after what I REALLY want,” Damon notes.

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Mmmmm hmmm!

“Yes, thank you for being in love with MY girlfriend,” replies Stefan.  (Ooooh, he just went there!)  “You can be in love with her all you want, if it means you will protect her.  But I have her respect.”

*gulp*

Then THIS happens . . .

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SUDDENLY, the two Salvatore Brothers are BEATING THE SH*T OUT OF EACHOTHER!  And, I know that it’s supposed to be all tragic and SAD, because they both really just want Elena to be safe, and, blah, blah, blah.  But it’s also REALLY HOT!  I mean, come on!  Show me a woman who WOULDN’T want these two men fighting over her, and I’ll show you a BIG FAT LIAR!

 This Brotherly Love Fest is interrupted by the return of Elijah and Elena (guess she decided to invite him in, after all).  Elena says that the original deal she had with Elijah is now back on.  “The two of you will come to no harm at my hands,” insists the gentlemanly Elijah.

So, for those of you who haven’t been keeping track, here’s the NEW plan to Save Elena:  (1) Bonnie will defeat Klaus, but she won’t die doing it, because Elijah has a loophole for THAT!  (Presumably, this will take place AFTER the Moonstone Ritual, when Klaus is undergoing his were transformation.)

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I bet there will still be lots of Constipated Face Making and Nose Bleeds though!

(2) Elena plays her part in the Sacrifice, but somehow lives, again, conveniently, thanks to Elijah.  (I don’t know.  Is anyone else getting any Red Flags, here?).

(3)  There’s a big Supernatural Orgy in Mystic Falls.    Everyone lives Happily Ever After . . . at least until next season.

Elijah’s going to do ALL THIS for Team Scooby out of the “kindness of his Cold Vampire Heart.”  And all he wants in return is an apology from the brothers. . .

“Sorry for the part I played in your death,” says Stefan (which is pretty much the Funniest Apology EVER!)  “But I did it to protect Elena.  I will ALWAYS protect ELENA,” concludes the younger Salvatore, before sticking out his tongue, and blowing a raspberry at Damon.

“Real mature, Stefan!”

Then again, Damon refuses to apologize AT ALL, which doesn’t exactly win HIM maturity points either.  (Unless, of course, Elijah ends up being a Secret Klaus Supporter, in which case, we will all be patting Damon on the back in a few weeks, for being so “insightful,” when it comes to Elena’s needs.)

Notice, I said Elena‘s needs . . . because Sex Toy’s needs seem to be falling by the waistside a bit, of late.

When a highly distraught Damon returns to his bedroom, Sex Toy Andie is there waiting for him in slinky lingerie, despite him having begged her to leave earlier.  But Andie TRULY loves Damon (or at least, compulsion tells her she does).  She knows that he is in pain, and wants to show him that someone out there cares about him. 

Andie’s kindness, in the face of Damon’s complete lack of feeling for her, becomes too much for the Elder Salvatore to take.  Last week, Damon may have come to the realization that he deserves love, but probably not Andie’s love.  Realizing once and for all, that it is not FAIR to Andie, for Damon to use her as a distraction from his deep feelings for Elena, Damon lashes out at the Guest Star reporter.  He then, ultimately compels her to leave, before he can really hurt her.

 Ummm . .  . Damon?  You’ve got a little something on your lip . . .

Damon’s REALLY brutal to Andie in this scene.  And at first blush, it’s pretty tough to watch.  But if you peek beneath the layers of violence and brutality, there is actually a good deal of growth here on Damon’s part. 

Now, now . . . before you write me off as some CRAZED Delena fan, who forgives Damon for everything he does wrong on this show, just hear me out . . .

Remember JESSICA?

Not too long ago, we experienced on this show a fairly similar situation to this one, in which Damon (having just experienced the loss of Rose) lashes out at an innocent woman, as an expression of his heartbreak over his not being able to be the person [Elena] needs him to be. 

Now, just a few episodes later, Damon is equally heartbroken.  But, this time, he doesn’t allow his anger to become murderous.  By chasing Andie away, Damon saves her life, in the same way that New Vamp Caroline did, when she purposefully ended her relationship with Matt to keep him out of danger.  (And look how much THANKS Matt has given Caroline for that!  Ingrate!)

Not only is Damon no longer willing to selfishly use another human being, as a distraction for his true feelings, he also clearly feels deserving enough of Elena’s love, to prevent himself from committing the ultimate act of violence, just to salve a broken heart.  That’s progress, folks! 🙂

Don’t Call it a Comeback!  He’s Been Here for Years . . . (No, Really, He HAS!)

Meanwhile, back at Alaric’s house, Maddox (Yeah . . . apparently Sumo Warlock has a name.  I missed that!  Special thanks to my buddy mak, for kindly pointing that out to me.), and Newbie Witch Greta . . .

 .  . . sister of THIS NOW-DEAD GUY . . .

 . . . arrive, carting an Extra Large Coffin in their wake.  Now, if you recall, Jonas and Luka joined forces with Elijah to PROTECT Greta.  But, quite honestly, she seems to be having a fine old time with Klaus!  In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether these two KNOW one another, in the biblical sense, if you catch my drift  . . . Truth be told, when Greta casually comments Klaus, “Nice body . . . let’s get you out of it,”  some very, very naughty Witch/Vamp images ran through my dirty mind.

So, everybody holds hands around the candles.  (And there are those candles again!  It’s time to get more creative with your Spell Props, witches!  Haven’t you ever seen Harry Potter before?) 

Suddenly, the candles go out.  AlarKlaus looks up from chanting.  He sees Katherine, and calls her “Elena,” in a voice that is decidedly sans- that weird AlarKlaus accent.  Suffice it to say, the REAL Alaric is back . . .  and alive  . . . at least, for now!

But if Alaric is back in his body, than where is Klaus?  As if in answer, the door to the coffin opens, and THIS GUY emerges from it . . .

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Now, if you thought Klaus was scary in a HUMAN body, you can imagine how much damage he can do in his OWN!  In other words, be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be VERY AFRAID!

 

“Ruh-roh!”

The extended promo for next week’s episode, promises, among other things, some tender moments between BOTH Salvatores and Elena, Poor Caroline getting chained up and abused, once again, Tyler Lockwood humping the forest . . .

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SO HOT!  (I’m so jealous of The Forest right now . . .)

 . . . a bromantic buddy reunion between Alaric and Damon, the return of Jules (meh!), and a showdown between Damon and Klaus.  You can check it out here .   .  .

Is it Thursday yet, Fangbangers?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Vampire Diaries Cast at Eyecon Day 2 (a.k.a. My Day with Paul Wesley)

Hey, Fangbangers!  Greetings from Mystic Falls!

I am writing to you from Damon Salvatore’s bed . . .

Is that a bottle between your legs, or are you just happy to see me?

 . . . located in the heart of La Casa de Rich and Awesome!

OK . . . I’m actually in a hotel in Atlanta, attending The Vampire Diaries conference.  But that’s basically the same thing, right?

OK, maybe not . . .

So, yesterday afternoon, at the convention, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity get up close in personal with THIS GUY!

That’s right, ladies (and gentleman).  Paul Wesley, a.k.a. Stefan Salvatore, spent over an hour with a conference room filled with fans today, personally answering each and every one of their burning questions. 

Here are some of the highlights . . .

* When asked about whether he preferred his character’s sweet  and earnest dynamic with Elena over his intensely passionate dynamic with Katherine, Paul diplomatically stated that he enjoyed elements of both relationships.  And yet, he did seem just a teensy weensy bit partial to one over the other.  “I love the moments when [Stefan] gets to indulge and be a bit lustful.  There is definitely a mischievous side to Stefan, and Katherine brings that out in him.”

GO TEAM KEFAN!

* Speaking of Stefan’s mischievous side, when asked whether he ever wishes his character wasn’t so “earnest and broody,” Paul admitted that he did sometimes covet the opportunity to inject some of his natural humor and wit into the oh-so-serious Stefan Salvatore.  (If you’ve ever seen Paul interview, you know that he is  SERIOUSLY FUNNY guy!)  Fortunately, the writers have PROMISED Paul that Season 3, he will get his wish!  You know what that means, ladies!  DARK STEFAN is due for a comeback!

* Upon being asked which character he’d MOST like to play on The Vampire Diaries (aside from Stefan or Damon), Paul replied, Elena . . .

Just kidding!  But he did mention that he had a lot of interest in playing a werewolf.

“A few years back, I played a werewolf in another  television series [Wolf Lake].  I really enjoyed the whole concept, and the idea of undergoing that type of transformation.”

A still of Paul from Wolf Lake.  I am SO renting this DVD!

Of course, being a werewolf on The Vampire Diaries is not your typical were-gig . . .

Certain .  . . “assets” and “skill sets” are required.

We already KNOW Paul has the abs to play a werewolf on The Vampire Diaries. 

But . . .  is he “flexible” enough?

*Regarding his impressive ability to cry on screen (breaking fangirls hearts the world over) . . .

 . . . Paul said that Ian lays on the ground beneath him, and pinches his leg until he cries!

Of course, he was only kidding about that.  (See, what I mean?  VERY FUNNY!)  “The writing on this show is so incredibly good,” Paul responded.  “The story is so beautiful.  Here is a guy who spent years searching for something, and everything leads him to this one person.  Finally, he has found the woman of his dreams.  And now he may lose her . . . How can you not get involved in a tale like that, and . . . emote?” 

*Speaking of emoting, Paul’s favorite scene from Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries is the one that leads up to him and Elena having sex for the first time . . .

 . . .  a trait I suspect he shares with many Stelena fans.

“There was that moment,” Paul explained.  “When [Elena] sees what I am for the first time.  She touches my face and my veins.  This beautiful woman has accepted me for who I am.  It is a very intimate and beautiful moment, filled with symbolism,”

*Speaking of intimate moments . . .

 . . . one fan was curious to know who the lucky dog  is in that INFAMOUS paparazzi picture?

“It’s not my pitbull.  I was actually dog sitting.  The pitbull belongs to my good friend Benjamin McKenzie (a.k.a Ryan Atwood from The O.C.),”  Paul replied.

So, Ryan Atwood, and Stefan Salvatore are pals in real life?  BEST . . . BROMANCE . . . EVER!  Well . . . almost . . .

*In unrelated news, for those of you who were curious about Paul’s favorite scary movie?

It’s “The Shining.”

*Speaking of movies, I’m sure you are all dying to know whether Paul is Team Edward or Team Jacob?

“I can’t decide, and I hate it!” Paul insists.  (So much for that!)

*Paul may not be able to come to a decision on the infamous Twilight question.  However, he has had a major revelation, regarding his decision to FINALLY join Twitter. 

 “I really enjoy it,” he admitted proudly.  “Riffing with my castmates, and teasing them, we get a chance to show another side of herself.”

For those of you who ARE following Paul on Twitter, be on the lookout for a playlist of his favorite songs.  Because, according to Paul.  It’s coming soon to a Twitter feed near you!

*Regarding his castmates, Paul had THIS to say about Daniel Gillies, who plays Elijah . . .

“I literally adore Daniel!”  He exclaims.  “Elijah brings such an interesting dynamic to the show.  He’s kind of Arnold Schwartzenager in The Terminator . . .”

“He’s this hard-ass killing machine, but that little boy touches his heart .  . . I hope we get to see that Little Boy Moment with Elijah someday.”  (In other words, fangbangers, as for Elijah . . . “He’ll be BACK!”)

*As for Matt Davis (a.k.a. Alaric Saltzman) . . .

“We have a good time together.  He makes fun of me.  I make fun of him,” Paul recalled fondly

*And Ian?

“He’s my brother!  He’s my boy!  I love him.”  He said, getting a bit (fake) teary, as he expressed his adoration for the Elder Salvatore.

Ahhhh, yes, Ian Somerhalder, the Man . . . the Myth . . . the Legend.  I will be seeing HIM today in just a few short hours.  Am I excited?  You BET I AM!

I’m not entirely sure how things are going to go.  But, I suspect it will turn out a bit like this . . .

A girl can dream, right?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Vampire Diaries Has Found its Klaus – But Who the Heck is Joseph Morgan?

“You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa KLAUS is coming to TOWN!”

As most of you you undoubtedly already know, The Vampire Diaries is currently on yet another hiatus. 

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In fact, the next new episode of this fang-tastic show is not set to air until April 7th!

Now, that doesn’t mean that the TVD fandom has gone silent!  NO WAY!  Us fangbangers still have PLENTY to talk about!  For starters, just this week, the CW released its Extended Trailer for the show’s upcoming episode, entitled, “Know thy Enemy.”  And it’s, for lack of a better word, a real SCREAM!

But if that trailer didn’t get your tongue wagging, this next piece of intel definitely will (assuming it hasn’t already).  After an entire season of speculation and rumors, producers of The Vampire Diaries have finally revealed the name of the actor selected to play the vampire, who will undoubtedly be the most terrifying villain Mystic Falls has ever seen.  After all, he’s the only vamp with the power to make Vampire Katherine cry . . .

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Of course, I am referring to Santa Klaus.   And he will be played by  . . . (drumroll please) . . . THIS GUY!

It’s Joseph Morgan!

“Yay!  Joseph Morgan!  That’s so . .  . wait . . . I don’t know who that is.”

One could argue that the role of Klaus will be the MOST important one TVD producers cast this year.  After all, much of the second half of this season has coped with the ominous Sun and Moon Curse, and, specifically, its implications for Elena Gilbert.  Because she has the dubious honor of being the Petrova Doppelganger, Elena needs to DIE, in order for this curse to be successfully broken.

“Oh HELL NO!”

As the OLDEST Original Vampire, one who is notoriously DEAD set on capturing Elena and breaking the Curse, Klaus has undoubtedly become Public Enemy Number One for the Salvatore Brothers and the Scooby Gang, as they fight to save Elena from an untimely death.  So, while the character has yet to make an appearance, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  

Some notable tidbits we’ve learned thus far about Klaus include: (1) He used to bone Katherine, on a fairly regular basis . . .

Who hasn’t?

(2) But, then, Klaus killed Katherine’s ENTIRE family.  This ultimately forced the vixen to become a vampire herself, so that SHE wouldn’t fall victim to the same Sacrifice, for which Elena is currently being hunted.

(3) Klaus’ fellow Original vampires think he’s a wackadoo, and will stop at nothing to make sure he meets his True Death . . .

(4) Klaus has kidnapped(?) the witchy daughter of the now very-dead Jonas.  And he is using her powers for his own personal gain.

(5) As an Original, Klaus can compel other vampires, walk in the sun without a sunscreen ring, and break walls of glass, just by playing with coins . . .

Because you never know when THAT little magic trick will come in handy . . .

(5) But Klaus is not invincible.  He can be killed by a special dagger dipped in white oak ash. 

(Just make sure you don’t “pull it out.”)

(6) Ironically, the act of breaking the Sun and Moon Curse, which Klaus is so determined to accomplish, will also leave him temporarily vulnerable for such a staking.

“Dream on, Diaper Boy!  Curse or no curse, I can’t be tamed!”

On one hand, TVD producers’ decision to cast a more-or-less unknown British actor to play such a major role in their series, is a prudent one.  After all, this will force fans of the show to view Joseph Morgan’s performance with an open mind.  Fangbangers can now evalulate the character, without being distracted by the preconceived notions and strong opinions that come attached to the “bigger named” stars, who might have been more obvious choices for the role . . .

On the other hand, The Vampire Diaries is a show known for its extremely talented and unfathomably attractive cast . . . particularly, in the MALE Department .  . .

So, if the TVD writers expect us fans to believe that this Klaus Dude is a formidable opponent to Man-Gods, the likes of Damon, Stefan, and Elijah . . . someone who could bring the Cooly Unflappable Vampire Vixen Katherine to her knees . . . in more ways than one?  Well, he better something REALLLLY special!  Because, if not, the Fandom will NEVER embrace him . . .

And the actor will be forced to endure a venomous wrath, the likes of which he has never before experienced . . .

Which brings me to Joseph Morgan . . .  Who the heck is he?  Fortunately, in this modern age of Google and YouTube, with a bit of digging, we can find out . . .

First off, Joseph Morgan is ENGLISH! 

 (Though, who knows if we are actually ever going to hear his accent on the show.) 

 He was born in 1980.  And yet, I can’t seem to find his actual BIRTHDATE online.  This means I can’t do a blog birthday celebration for him, which really dusts my doilies. 

(I mean seriously, Joseph, as an actor, you’re supposed to lie about your AGE and birth year, not your birthdate!  An actor’s birthday is something to be cherished, not hidden from the world!  Just sayin’!)

Anyway . . . fans of the UK television series Hex probably remember Joseph as Troy — the kinder, gentler, non-supernaturally inclined love interest to the show’s Season 1 lead character, Cassie . . .

Like The Vampire Diaries, Hex was an urban fantasy / paranormal romance tale, which took place in a school setting.    Like Elena, the main character, Cassie, through no fault of her own, was constantly being thrown into danger by supernatural forces over which she had minimal control.   Also like Elena, everybody in the cast (Troy included), for better or worse, seemed to be madly in love with Cassie.

So, Joseph Morgan is definitely no stranger to starring in television shows, that exist on an alternate plain of reality — one where things go bump in the night, and magic is a weekly occurrence.  But whether the actor can evolve from playing the Jock Next Door to the Big Bad Vampire Villain remains to be seen . . .

One thing is for sure, though.  He definitely has the BODY for it . . .

In addition to Hex, Morgan also starred in a series of historically – based movies and mini series.  During these films, he was able to exhibit physical prowess and athleticism.  Both of these traits will absolutely come in handy, during the inevitable stunt play and fight scenes in which the character will likely engage, in upcoming episodes.  These movies included the Russell Crowe film, Master and Commander, Alexander, and, most recently, the mini series Ben-Hur, in which he played the title role . . .

You can check out the trailer for Ben-Hur, and see Joseph Morgan in “action,” here:

But, physicality, sexuality, and looking good naked are just the tip of the iceberg.  As the oldest and most powerful vampire in the world, Klaus must possess the dignity and wisdom that would inevitably develop in an individual, after so many years spent roaming the Earth, and dominating its people.  In his role as William Price in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, Joseph Morgan was granted the opportunity to exhibit that part of himself . . .

Off screen, many of The Vampire Diaries‘ cast members spend much of their spare time working hard to support the charitable causes about which they are deeply passionate.  Most notably, Ian Somerhalder has recently launched the Ian Somerhalder Foundation, which, according to its Mission Statement, “aims to empower, educate and collaborate with people and projects to positively impact the planet and its creatures.”

Like Ian, Joseph Morgan is also deeply involved in world issues and charitable causes.  He is the leading supporter of Positive Women, an international charity that works to improve the lives women and children affected by the HIV/Aids virus.  You can hear Joseph discuss his charity, and its vision for underpriviledged women, here:

(I almost wish I didn’t know about all this.  Because it’s going to be REALLY hard to dislike him now . . .)

No word yet, on which episode will mark Joseph Morgan’s debut as Klaus.  However, if we’ve learned anything from this past season of TVD, we can assume that Klaus won’t leave Mystic Falls, without wreaking some major havoc on its residents in general, and our Scooby Gang, specifically.  And do THAT I say, BRING IT ON!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

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DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

“Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .

*ahem*  Good “stuff” indeed!

Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park

Oh My GOD!  You killed ELIJAH . .  . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again!  YOU BASTARDS!

When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .

But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS!  And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course). 

To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .

According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire.  But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John.  And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .

 SOMEONE needs to moisturize!  Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours?  Not cute . . . AT ALL!

Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood.  However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah.  “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!”  Katherine lies through her fangs exclaims!

This FACE = HILARIOUS!

Damon immediately takes Katherine’s faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right.  Originals CAN be killed!  And this dagger is the way to kill them!  With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion.  He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .

“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”

(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week?  What was up with that?)

Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural!  It’s NOT!

As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES!  I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .

 . . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .

Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .

 . . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)

Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . .  . zzzzzzzzzz

 .  . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .

*crickets chirping*

And .  . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?

When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out.  And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary.  There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings.  And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!

OH NO!  Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH!  THAT BASTARD!

Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale? 

Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!

Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger.  Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . .  .

(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself.  So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)

Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . .  .

But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .

And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .

. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM.  And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out.  I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud.  He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip!  It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way.  Notice, I said “would have been” . . .

So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .

 . . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well  . . . THAT part is true!) . . .  Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger.  And get this:  it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY.   ONCE YOU . . .

 . . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original  Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!

So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens

“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY

In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . .  and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .

 . . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.

So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy. 

Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA!  (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.)  I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?

That’s right, Fangbangers!  A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.

“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness.  (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena.  And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)

But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip.  “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you.  Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger.  Then Stefan will turn me.  And I will become a vampire.  Just like Katherine did.  And you will have nothing.”

Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this.  “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.

Then THIS HAPPENS!

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Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT!  “Yes, yes, you have the deal .  . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims. 

And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this.  Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far.  HE NEEDS HER.  After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!

Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time .  . . which, actually saddens me.  I’m going to miss THIS . . .

And so will DAMON, I think!  Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .

“Just a tip.  Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly.  (OH DAMON!  How I love you, let me count the ways!)

Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA!  Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING.  “You want me to fight?  I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore.  From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.

The boys AGREE!  And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!

Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!

In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath. 

Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)

Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”

Be afraid, ASSHAT!  BE VERY AFRAID!

Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!

Damon walks in on THIS . . .

And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .

But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE!  That’s right, Damon!  Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion! 

Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus?  Well THIS was exactly what he meant .  . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.

However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME?  Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back? 

Here’s HOPING!

Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!

Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE!  You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here. 

Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future?  I SURE DO!  (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity?  They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER.  AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)

It’s only a matter of time!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.”  Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good?  Are you psyched for Katherine’s return?  What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John?  My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts.  But that’s just me ;).

See ya next week, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

“Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]