Ahhh, Peter Pan. You remember him from your childhood, right? He’s the perpetual man child known for sneaking into your bedroom window in the middle of the night, making you snort something called “fairy dust” that he insists will make you “fly,” and then whisking you away to a far off land where your parents will NEVER EVER FIND YOU!
Fast forward to the present day. You’re all grown up. You’ve blocked out of your memory that brief period of time when you were part of the child slave trade. Everything is OK, or so you think. Then you turn on your television, and who do you see but that charming sociopath Peter Pan himself, re-imagined as the Pretty Uptight One from Girls . . .
. . . and Captain Hook as . . . THIS GUY?
It’s like something out of your wildest fever dream or most cringe-inducing nightmare. You want to look away, but you can’t . . . FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS . . .
To effectuate my plan, I have invited Marnie from Girls over to my house to look over my shoulder as I type and personally insult me every time I make a comment about the show that appears to be even vaguely hate-watchy . . .
See? That was for the beginning of this article, where I not so subtly referred to a beloved children’s character as a kidnapper and possible child slave trader. As you can see, Marnie pulls no punches . . .
I think this is going to work out just fine.
Let’s get this Neverland party started, shall we?
You can check out the rest of this snarktastic recap here.
So you know how bears, gorge themselves on food in the weeks leading up to winter hibernation, so that they can sleep through Christmas, fat and happy, without having to worry about being woken up by those pesky hunger pains?
That’s kind of how I feel during May Sweeps, a.k.a. The Month When I Watch Obscene Amounts of Television to Make Up for those Pesky Summer Months When I’m Forced to Actually Socialize With Real Humans. . .
In the next thousand or so words, I’m going to summarize for you just the important things that happened this week on Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men. This way, if you happen to be a Non-TV Watching Person, you will have enough information at your disposal to fake it with your friends. Sound like a plan?
Great! Let’s get started . . .
Once Upon a Time Season Finale – “And Straight on Till Morning”
. . . which would pretty much make Once Upon a Time the most annoying show on the planet. So, of course, Can’t Hardly Wait Guy had to be stopped! Surprisingly, Evil Queen Regina was willing to die to service the cause of Less Obnoxious Television . . .
This was noble gesture, I guess. But it put us pretty much right back where we started, in deathly fear of the impending doom of Season 3 becoming Once Upon a Henry.
Meanwhile, back in Flashback Land, Captain Hook showed off a softer cuddlier version of himself, when he bonded with a younger version of that Serial Killer from Season 1 of True Blood . . .
This, of course, made me exceptionally happy. After all, up to this point, Captain Hook was my favorite character on the show, simply because he’s sexy. I loved him, even though he was kind of a sh*thead. And that me feel like a Terrible Person . . .
But this week, we learned that Captain Hook isn’t really a sh*thead. He just had a “bad childhood.”
When Hook found out that Baelfire was the son of his mortal enemy, Rumplestiltskin, he did a really nice thing, by not immediately turning him over to that Scary Pale-Faced Lost Boy! Hook bonded with Baelfire first . . .
STORYBROOKE WAS SAVED! Even better, news . . . Can’t Hardly Wait Guy kidnapped Henry! So, what seemed like it was going to be the Only Henry Show, now had the potential to become the Everything But Henry Show . . .
But then the Storybrooke Gang found out that Can’t Hardly Wait Guy was working for the most nefarious villain of all time . . . Peter Pan?
Peter Pan is EVIL? The guy who gets off on coming into kids homes in the middle of the night, and taking them from their families, hangs out with Lost Boys, and refuses to grow up, even though he’s probably SUPER OLD, by now? Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real . . .
Having successfully crushed my childhood dreams of Peter Pan as a “cool dude crushing on Wendy,” the Storybrooke crew decides it has to travel to Neverland to save Annoying Henry. And guess who decided to help?
Conrad Grayson colluded with the Initiative (a collective of 1%er terrorists, who capitalize on human tragedy for their own personal financial gain) to blow up his own company, just so he could become EVEN richer . . . THAT BASTARD!
The Initiative tried to frame Aiden Mathis for blowing up Grayson Global, but ended up framing Nolan Ross instead . . . THOSE BASTARDS!
Aiden Mathis killed that Mr. Miyagi guy, Takeda, and tried to cover it up, so he could keep schtupping Emily/Amanda . . . THAT BASTARD!
Aiden wanted Emily to run away with her, and stop Reveng-ing. But, ultimately, he let her go, because he believes she loves Jack more.
This is true, even though Jack’s been kind of sh*tty to Emily/Amanda lately. And that makes Jack kind of a . . . wait for it. . . BASTARD.
Daniel Grayson may have killed Aiden, and then showed up to his father’s inaugural thingy, wearing a shirt covered in the dead guy’s blood, like it was no big deal . . . THAT BASTARD!
Emily finally revealed her true identity to Jack, just as he was going to kill Conrad Grayson. (That doesn’t really make her a bastard. I just wanted to share the moment with you, and couldn’t think of another way to fit it in.)
And finally, Victoria’s long lost son showed up at her doorstep. He’s literally a Bastard . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .
. . . She’s kind of like a hot female version of Abe Lincoln, you know?
But most important, to me anyway, was the moment when Jamie Lannister, formerly known as The Guy Who Pushes Little Boys Out Ten-Story Windows So that He Can Continue To Have Sex with his Sister . . .
. . . won my heart. First, he tearfully promised his reluctant companion-turned-obvious soulmate, the adorably awkward Brienne of Tarth that he would return the Stark girls to their mother, to defend his lady’s honor.
Then, as if that wasn’t enough,Jamie returns to Harrenhal, just in time to jump into a deep pit, and SAVE BRIENNE FROM A BEAR!
Honestly, all I want from a guy is for him to jump into a pit and save me from a wild rabid beast, determined to eat off my face. Is that too much to ask?
You know you’re a seriously bad dude when you can’t even be nice to THE WOMAN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH!
Fearing that the merger of SCDP and CDG, which he orchestrated, would cause him to lose his Big Boy Pants at the office, Don went all 50 Shades of Pathetic, on his neighbor / mistress, Lindsey Weir from Freaks and Geeks, by making her kneel on the ground before him and tie his shoes, forcing her to stay in bed while he worked, and telling her that she “wasn’t allowed to think.”
But the last straw really came about, when Don had the nerve to STEAL LINDSEY’S BOOK! No one comes between a girl and her book. . . NO ONE!
This heinous action caused Lindsey to awaken from the dream that she was dating Hot Mysteriously Broody Don from Seasons 1 and 2, and realize that she was actually dating, Self-Destructive, Alcoholic, Not-Quite-as-Hot, Loser Don from Season 6. . .
So, Lindsey kicked Don to the curb, rejoined the Mathletes, and all, once again, became right in the world. . .
Unfortunately, however, Don’s reign of terror wasn’t over yet. He later took his wrath out on his new partner, Ted Chaough, by getting the latter wasted at the office, so that he would embarrass himself in front of his employees . . .
Also this week on Mad Men, poor Joan Holloway had a bit of a health scare of the ovarian cyst variety. Fortunately, that Adorable Ass Kiss Bob Benson was there to rescue her. Not only did he personally escort her to the hospital, and get her in to see the doctor, right away, by claiming she accidentally swallowed furniture polish . . .
. . . he even stopped by her home later on in the evening to check on her, and bring her baby boy the adorably age inappropriate gift of a football!
Hey, I know you guys all don’t trust this guy. You think he’s a mole from a rival agency, or an FBI G-Man out to investigate the ad guy formally known as Dick Whitman, or a homeless man, or a homicidal maniac out to murder Joan and then eat her face off with a pair of chopsticks. But I LIKE Bob Benson, dammit! And until I learn otherwise, I’m just going to assume he’s a polite attractive, well-dressed, gentleman, who really, really, REALLY loves his coffee . . .