Tag Archives: New Orleans

How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

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Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

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It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

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And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

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Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

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Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

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Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

sitting at table

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

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“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

The Originals

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

all the candles

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

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I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

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KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

how you like me now

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

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I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

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As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

self five

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

punch entourage

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

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That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

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Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

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Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

tree fresh

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

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3 10 klaus best respond to violence westhalder

So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

witches tell bedtime

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

hundred dollar guy

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

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 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

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heart

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

brothertobrother elijah honor in revenge

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

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I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

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“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

DANCING_BABY

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

wanna be a king

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

surrounded by idiots

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

klaus sex 2

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

3 14 klaroline dances

klefan

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

preggar

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

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Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

renesme

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

tyler points

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

BabyScared

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

3 15 too smart seduced summer

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

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Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

mwah

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

cannot be killed

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

camille and klaus

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

stop hounding me

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

pile of poop

Every King Needs an Heir . . .

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Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

rebekah heart

“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

4 2 gonna make a baby

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

santa klaus

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

so much life

our turn

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

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Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

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Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

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Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

great world

share with you

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

caroline on phone

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

caroline cryin

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

3 14 caroline looks at klaus pic raqueeel duarte

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

American Gothic

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

kids cry

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

baby simba

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

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Filed under The Originals, The Vampire Diaries

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

freaking hungry

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

klaus cheers

funny face grandpa

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

spirit fingers

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

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She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

dont feel anything

kind of dead

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

spread eagle

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

delena sex real

ian says awesome

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

friday yet

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

rescue

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

happy elena

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

rawr damon

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

is this real

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

blue balls

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

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“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

surrounded by idiots

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

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Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

fanboy 2

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

naked elena

naked torrence

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

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see naked

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

want you to do

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

soap dish smash

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

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The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

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The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

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meat with eyes

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

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Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

fantastic

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

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“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

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smirky damon

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

surprised-face

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

blue ribbon

dr-evil

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

cheerleader again

dunst make out

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

Damon eye roll

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

april 1

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

left my crap on bus

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

on bus

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

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This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

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“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

spirit stick drop

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

in my arms

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

seduce

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

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All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

klaus face

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

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. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

dancing elena

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That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

texting

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Break on Through

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

pickup sss

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Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

jealous emotion

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

elena what

drinking drug use

eating mom

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

pissed car

oh hell to the no

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

shut up make me

3 6 warrior elena

strangle regina

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

tyler points

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

crying care bear

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

hey ladies

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

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Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Damon Salvatore is a Babe Magnet . . . Literally – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you.  You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.

paul super

Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .

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Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting.  These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .

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Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .

2 16 caroline j baker

Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving .  . .

bloody elena

Matt has the power of Magical Waitering.  I’m not quite sure how it works.  I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.

The Last Day

Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .

tyler points

Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .

tortured-stefan

Why am I telling you all this, you ask?

Simple.  It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power.  Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him.  That’s right, boys and girls.  Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .

damon eternal stud

After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it?  It effects your bodily responses, not your brain.  It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.  At least, that’s what they’re  telling us this week.  Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.

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And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?

Let’s review, shall we?

[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]

Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!

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I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex.  Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.

sparkling-edward-cullen-wallpaper

Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .

spike-on-buffy

Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.

stayed for the show

And that’s how we started this week’s episode.  I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week.  Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!

In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess.  But, you know . . .

Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .

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I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep.  Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face.  To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.

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Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .

Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem.  That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal.  In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep  . . .

sleeping damon yum

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Things only got better from there.  Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on!  We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).

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They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.

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And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .

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Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in  . . . well . . . ever.  Sire Bond, Schmire Bond.  If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it.  After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.

From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.

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Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .

And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome.  Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.

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Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.

But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”

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awkward post sex

Here’s a hint, Damon.  If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower .  . .

By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now?  Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week.  Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.

staroline

Now, that would be an interesting twist!  Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!

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“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”

We need to talk . . .

Smug.  That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing.  In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.

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But, alas, Damon restrains himself.  And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond.  (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!)  Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do.  If she can do it, she’s sired.  If not, not.  It’s that simple.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Or is it?

Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood.  And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too.  I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.

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Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .

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So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says.  At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .

Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school  And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”

blood bag

blue balls

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works.  Elena, of course, is thrilled.  Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!

school hug

“Now, can we have sex?”

Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time.  But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency.  Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .

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Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.

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And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .

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Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1.  I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario.  In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this.  “Hey Elena.  That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now.  That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”

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All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .

Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian

With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode.   So, I’m going to summarize it as such.

tyler crack

Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.

If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids.  But apparently, another one has magically appeared.  And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER .  . .  Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .

unturned

kim and guy

“I’m calling PETA!”

At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events.  And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew.  It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise.  They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”

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(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass.  Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)

freaking hungry

Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond.  You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.”  (Geez!  Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?)  And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.

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Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .

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Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley.  Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .

In slightly less awesome news . . .

Another Brick in the Wall . . .

As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .

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. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did.  For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural.   It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud!  I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.

Aside from that, HELLO!  MARDI GRAS!  FAT TUESDAY!  That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.

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Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .

must be thurs

I wanna do real bad things with you . . .

But enough griping.  Let’s focus on what actually happened.  Shall we?

Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon.  Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.

made a meal

Odd right?  Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother.  You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap!  Not again!  Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”

Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.

not that into you

oh hell to the no

You know what that tells me?  Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .

You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink.  Talk about someone with anger management issues.  But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.

Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD.  But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond.  Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .

vampire elena

Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond.  Talk about the power of suggestion!

Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE .  . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!

lightbulb-idea

As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work.  And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely.  He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again.  I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .

lexi shortcake

Oh look!  It’s Lexi Fruitcake!

strawberry shortcake

I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf.  I mean, come on!  How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?”  It’s exhausting . . .

Speaking of exhausting . . .

Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?

Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another.  So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.

friends cuddle

Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons?  Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon.  Go figure!  Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD!  Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY!   Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .

sleepy bonnie

Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t.  But it would be a start.

Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1.  Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis.  Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .

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speed dancing

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But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there.  (Can vampires even get STDs?)

love bathtub

The comment infuriates Elena.  And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more.  Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon .  . .

admits to sex

rough sex

. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises.  YEAH!  YOU GO GIRL!  YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH!  I know I will . . .

need to leave

Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their  exile.  Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .

Alls well that ends witchy . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people.  AWK-WARD!

witch lady

witch mom

Want to see things get more uncomfortable?  Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t.  Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic.  Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to?  Maybe . . .

But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet.  It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!

go team delena

After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another.  Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!

human feelings

But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again.  I don’t know.  That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal.  Like, for example, “Hey Elena.  Here’s a thought.   When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you.  You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it.  Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . .  You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”

Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?

shakes head

And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house.  I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?

party crashers

“Hi neighbor!  We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks?  I meant STAKES!”

Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline  .  . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .

kidnapped

“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”

Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler.  And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .

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Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively.  But, alas,  it is to no avail.  Elena then calls Tyler for help.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  Tyler’s on Team Delena too!  (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!)  He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT,  not how you feel.

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And though I like that idea,  because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .

happy elena

. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me.  I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .

Dominance and Submission

During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle.  For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.

take me

3 1 jealousy caroline facenodefeat

To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!  Elena!  Elena!  Elena!”

lucky air

Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked.  She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.

As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee.  Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees.  (KINKY!)

stabb

all on knee

“Shhh.  We’re not really supporting Tyler.  We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce.  And our legs are tired.”

 It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.

game of thrones funny

In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .

Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones.  And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you.  Your parents are dead anyway.  So, I basically got you to work for free.”

eye roll

Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents.  And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her.  But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago.  And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.

have a girlfriend

Source

After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves.  He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him.  You can see it on his face.  He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed.  And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.

fighting for 2

But here’s a surprise.  For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.”  It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW.  It’s who knows about the sire bond.  And doesn’t care.  And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”

feel wrong

And how does Damon respond?

Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers!  Haha, sucks doesn’t it!

Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .

Until next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

True Blood Dream Casting – Amelia Broadway (May Contain Slight Spoilers)

A few days back, I put on my amateur casting director’s hat, and offered some suggestions to Alan Ball, should he ever decide to translate the character of J.B. DuRone from Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books to their companion television series, True Blood.  Seeing as I had so much fun doing that, I’ve decided to try my hand at casting another popular character from the book series, namely, Amelia Broadway.

Introduced in the sixth book of the series, Definitely Dead . . .

. . .  Amelia eventually becomes intimately linked with many of the series’ already established characters.  When we first meet Amelia, she is living in New Orleans . . .

 . . . where, for a time, she acted as landlady to Sookie’s cousin, and Queen Sophie Anne’s lover, Hadley . . .

In addition to being a landlady, Amelia also happens to be an aspiring witch . . .

 . . . but a GOOD one . . .

Unfortunately, Amelia’s “bewitching” skills are not quite up-to-par.  For example, there was this one time, when she wanted her boyfriend, Bob, to be more adventurous in the sack . . . so, she accidentally turned him into a cat . . .

In the books, Amelia is said to be around Sookie’s age (late 20’s).   The two become fast friends, especially after Amelia relocates to Bon Temps.  Single, spunky, fun, flirty and a little bit flighty, Amelia is certainly not the kind of gal who has any difficulty finding dates on a Friday night. 

Did I mention that she’s also bisexual?  Or that, in addition to her many male suitors, she also catches the eye of a certain female vampire, we all know and love?

Let’s cast this little witch, shall we?   Below are my top five choices, in no particular order.

1) Rachel Bilson

Age:  Turns 29 TODAY (August 25th)!  (Happy Birthday, Rachel!)

Where you’ve seen her: as the adorable Summer Roberts, in The O.C., as Cindy, in How I Met Your Mother, and as Millie, in the film, Jumper

Why she’d make a great Amelia: 

Rachel Bilson would really shine in a role like this!  As Summer on The O.C., Bilson played a character who, on the surface, was ditzy, shallow, and self-absorbed.  And yet, she gave the role a surprising amount of complexity, intelligence, and heart.  Thanks to the actress’ charm and talent, Summer, who started off the show as a two-dimensional “mean girl,” blossomed into the most charming and likeable female character on the entire series! 

Bilson also has the comedic chops to pull off Amelia’s less than stellar witchy moments, without making them seem too cheesy or slapstick.  Finally, in terms of age and temperment, I think she would be relatively believable, as a good friend of Anna Paquin’s Sookie.

2) Allison Munn

Age: 35 (but looks about 10 years younger!)

Where you’ve seen her: as Amanda Bynes sarcastic and slightly promiscuous friend, Tina, on What I Like About You, as Fez’s girlfriend, Caroline, on That 70’s Show, and as Lauren, on One Tree Hill

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Of all the actors on this list, Allison Munn bears the most resemblance the image I had in my head of Amelia, when I was reading the Sookie Stackhouse books.  In terms of physical appearance, she is almost a perfect match!  Like Rachel Bilson, Allison has proven herself to have the comic timing necessary for a role like this.  Plus, those of you who have ever watched What I Like About You would likely agree that there are A LOT of similarities between Amelia, and the role she played on that show, at least in terms of both characters’ personality traits.

3) Rachel McAdams

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as Regina George in Mean Girls, as Allie in The Notebook, as Claire in The Wedding Crashers, as Clare in The Time Traveler’s Wife . . . and the list just goes on . . .

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

I know!  I know!  There is VERY little chance that at this stage in her career, Rachel McAdams would have any interest in taking on a non-starring role in a television series.  But hey, I called this post “Dream Casting” for a reason, right? 

You know what’s so great about Rachel McAdams?  She has this flawless ability to literally transform herself for every role she plays.   (Not to mention the fact that she is the ONLY HUMAN ON THE PLANET who actually looks good as a blonde, brunette AND a redhead!). 

I remember seeing The Notebook, shortly after watching Mean Girls, and being absolutely shocked that the same actress played the lead (second lead?) in both.  But no matter WHO she’s playing, Rachel McAdams brings a certain likeability and relatability to her roles that is virtually unmatched in the industry.  This role would be no exception.

4) Monica Keena

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as mean girl, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek, as boy crazy Rachel on Undeclared, as “E’s” one-time girlfriend, Kristen, on Entourage, and as Lori Campbell in that pitiful Freddy vs. Jason movie

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

In my other three casting choices, I noted a few traits that made the aforementioned actresses particularly suited to play Amelia: comedic timing, charm, likeability, age appropriateness, and the right physical appearance.  Monica Keena has ALL of those things going for her.   But she also has something else:  sex appeal. 

Let’s face it, with the possible exception of Sookie (who, in my opinion, is WAY too monogamous, especially given all the FABULOUS male options she has available to her), Amelia probably gets laid more than any other female character in Charlaine Harris’ series.  She’s boy-crazy!  And GIRL crazy! 

Whoever plays Amelia must have what it takes to be a believable seductress for PAM!  Not very many women can pull that off.  I think Monica can . . .

5) Rose McGowan

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: as Neve Campbell’s DOOMED B.F.F., Tatum in Scream, as Dr. Teddy Rowe in Nip Tuck, as Cherry in the film, Grindhouse, and, perhaps, most importantly, as WITCH Paige Matthews in Charmed

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Talk about sex appeal!  Rose McGowan has it in spades!  She’s also proven herself to be a solid comedic actress  (that “doggy door” scene in Scream never fails to make me giggle), as well as a remarkably energetic and likeable one (as evident in the Charmed series). 

Sure, McGowan would be a more mature, and certainly edgier Amelia, than any of the other actresses I’ve suggested.  Then again, isn’t Kristen Bauer a more mature and edgier Pam than the one Charlaine Harris described in her books?  Speaking of Kristen Bauer, how utterly cool would it be to watch her and McGowan share scenes together?  I suspect their chemistry would be amazing!

So, there you have it  — my top five casting picks for Amelia Broadway.  Who would YOU choose?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood