In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable! Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters. It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.
Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure? Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death? And who will end up sucking . . . blood? Only time will tell, Fangbangers. Time . . . and this recap, of course!
[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]
Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear
When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.
Silly Matt! Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”
Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.” So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”
This makes Klaus mad!
And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.
Run Matt, Run! The Sexy Cabin is waiting!
The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.
“I feel so used!”
First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing. Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .
Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .
“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend! As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”
The video game ends
and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin. There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .
Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes
“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”
Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure. It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .
Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it. Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!
So, Damon and Elena have sex!
(Actually, they don’t. But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week. And I decided to use a little poetic license. So, sue me!)
Team Lonely Hearts
“Dear Diary . . . blah, blah, blah Elena . . . blah, blah, blah Feelings . . . blah, blah, blah SO SAAAAAAAAAD . . . blah, blah, blah I’M FREAKING HUNGRY!”
Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’t Stefan’s Mopey Diary. Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing. Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself. And besides . . .
. . . when he’s not perpetually Boo-Hooing over Elena, This Guy is actually kind of HOT! Who knew?
Yes, I do, Stefan. You look goooood.
Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone. You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.
“Go Team Stebekah!”
From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two. They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.
I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!
“I didn’t mean to do it! I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”
Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair
Oh crap! Are these two staring at candles again?
“It’s just so . . . beautiful! I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”
Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case. She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.
“Scenery chewing is a federal offense. You’re under arrest, douchebag!”
“Cool! I’m getting arrested. This is totally going to up my street cred!”
Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .
Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring. To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”
In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”
“Honestly, I just really hate candles.”
All Hail, Kol Mikaelson!
I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense. I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?” It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad,
just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff. So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?
(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers. But that’s neither here nor there . . .)
Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar
to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”
Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.
So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.” For one thing, check out the floor . . .
“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.
Gee! Ya think?
You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?
Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response. Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .
This is what happens to people who hang out in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .
“Chill out, guys! Get it . . . chill? Because we’re in a freezer. Whatever! Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious! You millennials have no sense of humor!”
In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .
At first, Kol actually behaves pretty peaceably. He calmly explains to the duo a simple formula that even they can understand. And here it is . . .
awakening Silas = bringing about the Apocalypse
bringing about the Apocalypse = BAD
DON’T WAKE SILAS!
Damon and Jer Bear ponder this for a moment, and decide, “Nah, Apocalypse, Shmockalypse. We should wake Silas anyway . . . after all, it’s FOR ELENA!”
So, Kol is forced to take matters into his own hands . . .
“Is it Friday yet?”
Bonnie Bennett is THE CLOSER
Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople? Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch! Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.
And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show. Think about it. What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today? Police procedurals and Supernatural shows. So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers? Not bad, right?
Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
Seriously? Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!
The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .
“Dammit Bonnie! Now I’ll never be a hand model!”
And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into
Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.
Team Klaus and Elena?
While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .
I never said she was, Tyler. Thou doth protest too much?
. . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour. There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .
“Payback’s a b*tch.”
We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .
It’s Jeremy! Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .
“Hey Elena! Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”
Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance. Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being. So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .
“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”
“No sh*t! Me too!”
It’s a real testament to Klaus’
stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.
Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert. And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .
More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.
Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again. Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis? One night stands are one thing. But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?
Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!
The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON? Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .
This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .
Team Zombie Damon?
“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”
“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”
“Must . . . kill . . . him . . . anyway.”
I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating. You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled. So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing. The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy. And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart. Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”
It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!
Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem. (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)
Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much. “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .
Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena. Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One. Guys hate that! How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?
Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here. Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA. That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER. Stefan loved Elena. Damon loves Elena. Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much. Hence, these are two totally different situations. Comprende?
Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help. And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.
Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”
This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .
Team Stelena Team Stefan and PRIDE
Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon. Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her. And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..
There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond. And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy. So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves. But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.
And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .
She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has. She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .
And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from. Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . .
Why does that make him more attractive to me? Clearly, I have issues.
But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line. After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old? And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years? Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey. And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a human, in love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.
So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan? He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .
This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .
But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day. Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently. Ouch!
Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .
Honestly, with all the stress they’ve been under, can you blame Stefan and Rebekah for wanting to end their day with a little No Frills Sex?
Now, maybe it’s just me. But, somehow, I don’t see the “Girl Who Loved Too Easily” . . .
. . . and Broody McCryFace . . .
. . . being successful in this whole “Friends with Benefits” undertaking.
Of course, I could be wrong . . .
In Other News . . .
Klaus has just threatened to take Jeremy on one of his “Let’s Murder, Roadtrips.”
And we all know how those tend to work out . . .
So, Elena has another idea. “Let’s KILL KOL!” She tells Jeremy excitedly.
You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG. But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!
Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs? That’s OK, neither does she!
Next week, on TVD . . .
See you then, Fangbangers!