Tag Archives: Noel Crane

Sucking Up is Hard to Do – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Start Me Up”

We feel your pain, Callie!  We didn’t want you involved in a Bad Pregnancy Storyline, either . . .

Sucking up . . . Kissing up . . . Brown nosing . . . Kissing ass . . . whatever term you have for it, it’s a skill!  It might not necessarily be an admirable skill, or an ethical skill, but it is a skill, nonetheless.  “Sucking up” is something that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  For one thing, it involves some serious acting.  And not everyone can be an actor.  But, perhaps, more importantly, sucking up well requires a certain amount of pride swallowing, which NOBODY likes to do . . .

 . . . least of all, a bunch of over-achieving, super smart, and extremely arrogant, doctors!  (Is it any wonder, Seattle Grace is filled with so much HOT AIR?)

Well . . . yes . . . THAT too . . . but I was more referring to this kind of “hot air.”

Like it or not, nearly every single character on this show was forced to swallow a bit of their pride this week.  And not all of them succeeded in doing so . . .

McDreamy Sex, Peeing on Sticks, and Poop-Covered Babies . . .

When the episode begins, Meredith and Derek are seated on the edge of their bed, woefully examining the evidence of their non-pregnancy.  Somewhere inside Meredith’s lower abdomen, her Hostile Uterus is pumping his fist in triumph to the theme song from Rocky . . .

“I am the champion, my friends.  And I’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.”

Rather than suck up her pride, and admit that Hostile Uterus is a worthy contender, Cristina suggests that Meredith “battle” said Uterus, in the same way that little kids “battle” the Boogey Man under their beds:  i.e. “Simply pretend it doesn’t exist, and maybe it will go away!”  Yes, boys and girls, DOCTOR Meredith Grey thought she could beat Hostile Uterus into submission by buying TEN PREGNANCY TESTS, and peeing on ALL OF THEM!

Neonatal Surgeon, Addison Montgomery, does NOT approve . . .

Later, when Meredith complains to Cristina about how gosh darn exhausting it is to pee on sticks all day, Cristina wisely notes that Poop-Covered Babies are much MORE exhausting .  . . “What makes you think my baby will be Poop-Covered?”  Meredith asks, defensively.

Oh, Meredith . . . you have so very much to learn . . .

Meredith’s and McDreamy’s Future McBaby

Oh BABY!

Meredith isn’t the only one failing miserably at swallowing her pride this week.  Arizona, herself, is forced to admit that she (gasp!) has FAULTS, when Callie (1) refuses to forgive her for going to Malawi; and (2) pretty much treats her like crap for the entire episode.  It all starts when Arizona buys out Callie’s subleters overnight, and moves back into the apartment they once shared together. 

 (You’ll notice that this is the second time that Callie has woken up to find that Arizona has been lurking around her home, while she slept.  It’s a little creepy . . . I’m not going to lie.)

After calling her “self-centered,” “selfish,” and a whole bunch of other VERY mean names, Callie decides to REALLY let Arizona know how she feels about her.  “I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want you in my life.  Get your crap out of my apartment.”

Ummm . . . Ouch?

Far from being put off by Callie’s 85,00th rejection of her since she’s returned, the clearly deluded optimistic Arizona remarks to a very embarrassed Mark, who has quietly watched the entire exchange,  “It’s good that she’s mad.  It means she feels something.”

(Oh . . . she feels something, all right.  She feels like she wants to CUT YOU!)

Be afraid, Arizona.  Be VERY AFRAID!

When Arizona explains to Mark that she doesn’t know any of her own flaws (aside from being a workaholic and smoking sometimes, of course), Mark seems more than happy to help her out  . . .

Throughout the course of the episode, while Arizona and Mark argue the merits of putting cadaver bones versus human bones in some teen’s face, so that she can play sports (Don’t ask.  I didn’t really get it either.), Mark tells Arizona that she is patronizing, passive aggressive, stubborn, doesn’t listen, and basically has a whole host of other things that are wrong with her.  (Because, clearly, this was Poop on Arizona Day on Grey’s Anatomy). 

But the biggest FLAW Arizona has, is that she is a “bailer.”  In other words, when the going get tough, the tough get going, and Arizona runs away like a little b*tch.  Well . . . at least that’s what she’s done, up until now . . .

In the final moments of the episode, Arizona conveniently barges in on Callie, as the latter rides on the WORLD’S SLOWEST ELEVATOR.  Speaking of said elevator, it used to be completely void of any artwork, whatsoever.  Now, it conveniently features a conspicous PICTURE OF A BABY . . .

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(I haven’t been this creeped out by an image on a wall, since someone told me there was a ghost of some dead kid in the film Three Men and a Baby . . .)

That’s right, kiddies.  Arizona finally apologized for walking out on Callie, declared her love, and begged for forgiveness . . . and Callie . . . well, she told Arizona that she was pregnant with Mark’s baby . . .

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Watch out, Callie!  Lexie’s coming after you for screwing her man.  And she’s armed and dangerous!

Speaking of inappropriate relationships . . .

Teddy is quickly learning that her No Frills Insurance Marriage to Henry Sick Noel from Felicity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Two more episodes, and these two will be boning one another.  Mark my words!  For starters, the Chief found out about the couple’s little “arrangement,” and has been totally reaming Teddy a new one, ever since.

CHIEF:  “How dare you marry Noel!  He’s meant to be with Felicity!

TEDDY:  But Felicity ended up with Ben, remember?  They went to med school together.  And then Felicity went back in time, and found out that if she chose Noel, back in college, Noel would have died in that dorm fire.”

CHIEF:  “Went back in time?!  What the heck are you talking about?”

TEDDY:  “I know right?  It was a good show, but it pretty much had the WORST FINALE EVER!”

To further complicate matters, Noel’s tumors are attacking his insides.  And, in the course of a single episode, he needs both his kidney, his dignity, and a good portion of his pancreas removed.  Teddy learns about all of Noel’s complications, at about the same time she learns that he has put her down as his “Emergency Contact” on his insurance forms. 

This kind of pisses Teddy off.  Marriage?  NO PROBLEM!  Emergency contact?  NO EFFING WAY!

“Our vows said, ‘In Sickness and in Health’ . . . ‘Til Death Do Us Part.’  The whole “Emergency Contact” thing was kind of implied in there.  Don’t you think?”

Seeing the obvious distress on Teddy’s face, Noel explains that he is 42-years old.  (NO WAY, NOEL!  You graduated from college in the 00’s.  You’re in your early 30’s, TOPS!)  His parents are dead.  His sister is in Europe, and he’s been too sick to make many friends.  So, Teddy is basically, Noel’s only friend now (Sucks to be him!), hence the “Emergency Contact” thing.   To be honest, it’s kind of a depressing story.  But it ended sweetly, with Teddy and Noel clasping hands in “friendship.”

(But it’s going to be MUCH sweeter when they screw, sometime within the next two episodes . . . Trust me!)

But you know who’s already screwing?  THESE TWO!

Way to GO, BAILEY!  It’s high time the Nazi got some nookie in the on-call room.  (Everyone else on this show has!)  Naughty Nurse Eli is precisely what Bailey needs to lift her out of the funk her character has been in, since The Shooting . . .  I hope they continue to go at it like bunnies . . .

 . . . for a VERY LONG TIME! 

(The more often they do it, the more likely it is that we will get to see Daniel Sunjata NAKED!  The way I see it, it’s a win-win!) 

In other news . . .

The Race for Chief Resident is ON (like Donkey Kong!)

The fourth year residents were SUPPOSED to be kissing the asses of the First-Year Med Students, who were at Seattle Grace on a “field trip” this week.  Doing this would impress upon the Chief that they were “Chief Resident Material.”  But, as I said earlier, the Seattle Graces docs don’t kiss ass all that well.  So, their competition basically  erupted into a game of Abuse the Special Guest Star Student.

Sloan drew on this poor guy’s head with permanent marker . . .

Evil Warren from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who has apparently taken a break from World Domination and Creating Robot Girlfriends, in order to attend Med School), accidentally made Cristina (who’s TOTALLY back to her hardcore self, by the way) look bad, by undermining her authority to the Chief, and spilling the beans to a patient about his dire medical condtion.  So, she got back at him, by nearly shoving his head inside a gross tumor, and making him faint . . .

Avery bodily pushed Johan Hill’s Twin Brother (Seriously!  The resemblance is uncanny.) out of EVERY surgery, in which he was involved.   He then pouted when Jonah Hill 2.0 conveniently offered up information that saved a patient’s life at the last minute . . .

This chick had the gall to try to make friends with Meredith, and TEXT her boyfriend, while inside the hospital.  So Meredith totally b*tched her out.

Out of all the Special Guest Stars First Year Med Students, Ashleigh from Greek fared the best, by far, because she got to screw Alex Karev . . .

Having heard it directly from the Chief, we all KNOW that Ashleigh gave Karev a good review, for “Playing Doctor” with her at Seattle Grace.  (Alex was the only resident who “aced” his first “Race to Chief Challenge,” as a result.  Everybody else BOMBED IT!) 

However, we can only guess as to what she told Casey and her friends at the ZBZ house, upon arriving back home . . .

An Interesting Casting Note:  Fans of the show Greek, might recall, that for a few episodes at least, Ashleigh and Casey fought over which of them would be the first to bed a mysterious man, known to them only as “The Hotness Monster.”  And I bet you will never guess who played the Hotness Monster on the show . . .

It’s DOCTOR AVERY!

Talk about your coincidences, right?  It really is a shame that Ashleigh and Avery didn’t get to hook up!  (Not only would Greek fans have gotten a kick out of it, it also would have been REALLY HOT!)  Clearly, Shondra Rhimes is saving Avery’s virtue for ME!  That’s the only possible explanation as to why she’s been keeping the Hotness Monster (now Dr. Hotness), as celibate as MONK for OVER TWO SEASONS!  (Not that I’m complaining. ;))

Speaking of screwing, the episode ended up Meredith and Derek “practicing” their Mad Baby-Making Skills . . .

Take THAT, Hostile Uterus!

“I’ll get you My Pretty, and your little McWeiner too!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Welcome Back, Grey’s! (AND DOCTOR YANG!) – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Disarm”

The Dark and Twisty Sisters with Scalpels — Reunited, and it feels SO GOOD!

Welcome back, my fellow Greysies!  Man, I missed you!  I missed THIS SHOW!  I missed all the sexy . . . and all the SEX . . . and all the nakedness . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

I missed all the snappy one liners . . . and the tears I inevitably shed, during EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. 

Note:  That is not ME, crying . . . just in case you got confused there.

But most of all, I missed MY CRISTINA YANG!  The real one . . . not the troubled zombie-esque doppelganger with whom we have spent the first half of the season.  Well, let me tell you something . . . CRISTINA’S BACK, BABY!

You all know who we have to thank for that, right?

Nope.

Guess again!

“You’re welcome.”

(Man, if we knew all it would take to snap Cristina out of her funk, was having her holding a smelly fish for ten seconds, we would have given her one a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago!)

But I’m getting off track . . . So, let’s get on with the recap, OK?

Three Sex Scenes for the Price of ONE!

Say what you want about the Grey’s writers.  But they SURE do know their audience!  After a month of Grey’s sex withdrawal, our pals at Seattle Grace rewarded our patience, with not one, not two, but THREE sex scenes, within the first TWO MINUTES of the episode!  How’s THAT for ambitious?  I mean, I’ve seen pornos with less action than that . . .

“Oh, Mr. Pizza Delivery Man!  Your MEATBALLS are the biggest in town!”

And we aren’t talking plain old vanilla sex, either.  Take our first couple, Meredith and Derek, for instance.  They start the episode fighting over Cristina’s “healing process.”  But just when it looks like Derek might win the fight, Meredith goes in for a sucker punch.  “I’m ovulating,” she tells him. 

“Ugggggghhhhh,” replies Derek, rolling his eyes like a petulant teen, as he reluctantly takes off his boxers under the blankets.  (You would think his wife just asked him to clean the toilet, or something!)

Given his SUPER enthusiastic response, Meredith is faced with the near impossible challenge of pretending she DOESN’T want to have sex with PATRICK DEMPSEY, in order to preserve her dignity!  “I can’t even look at you, right now,” Meredith fibs.

“Fine!  Then turn over,” retorts Derek.

And under the covers they both go . . .

“Who has two hands, and just had Doggy Style Sex on prime time television.  THIS GIRL!”

Unfortunately, due to those pesky censors, ABC wasn’t able to show us the actual MerDer sex footage.  BUT I CAN!  Wanna see?

Our second sex scene belonged to a decidedly FORWARD FACING Owen and Cristina.  (I posted their “money shots” above, for your viewing pleasure.)  Unlike Meredith and Derek, Owen and Cristina didn’t screw like dogs . . . more like bunnies . . .

Apparently, holding a fish for ten seconds, not only cures PTSD and depression, it also does wonders for your SEX LIFE!   Cristina is just basking in the glow of fish sex with Owen — so much so that she decides to spend the day sightseeing!  Owen would love to come (See what I did there?).  However, he has a JOB to do, and a faux wedding to witness (more on that later) . . .

We cut to Sloan and Lexie doing it.  Like the two couples before them, they exchanged some cuddles and post-coital talk, after doing the deed.  But honestly, I can’t remember a word of what they said, as I was completely mesmerized by Eric Dane’s massive arm muscles, at the time . . .

But you know who WASN’T having sex?  Callie!

Nope . . . not even THAT kind of sex . . .

If you recall, at the end of the last episode, Arizona returned to the U.S. to be with Callie.  And a VERY PISSED OFF Callie slammed the door in her face.  So, you can imagine Callie’s surprise, when she stomped out of her apartment the following morning to find Arizona STILL THERE!  Apparently, girlfriend woke up early, got some coffee, and resumed her vigil outside Callie’s home.  “Go back to Malawi,” Callie tells the former love of her life coldly, as she walks right past her.

“Ummm . . . OK . . . but can you let me in your apartment first?  That frappuccino made me really have to pee.”

In other, “not getting laid” news, Teddy was awkwardly waiting at court to marry her new Husband for Medical Insurance Purposes, Noel from Felcity.  (I’m sure he has another name on this show.  I just refuse to acknowledge it, because he will forever be NOEL to me . . .)

“So . . . Noel . . . do you like scary movies?”

Owen arrives as the necessary Wedding Witness. (This made me feel kind of sad for Noel, who apparently had no friends to ask, which is strange, because I know Felicity totally would have come!)  After he chastizes Teddy a bit about the obvious dangers of marrying the killer from Scream 3, Owen reluctantly does his part in the impromptu ceremony.  Far from your typical bridezilla, a harried Teddy rushes the officiant to hurry up the wedding proceedings, so she can go to work.

“Can you tell me how to get to the Space Needle,  Mini McDreamy?”

While her husband is busy witnessing a sham wedding, Cristina heads off to sight see.  She finds this super hot bike rider — who looks like a clone of  how Patrick Dempsey probably looked about ten years ago — and asks him for directions to the Space Needle.  “First time in Seattle, eh?”  He flirts.

(It’s OK, Cristina.  I’ve lived right outside New York City all my life, and NEVER been inside the Empire State Building.  Landmarks are for tourists, DAMMIT!)

“Ummm . . . OK,” Cristina deadpans, knowing full well, that if this was a romantic comedy, she would have immediately started babbling on about her whole traumatic experience to this stranger.  (They then would have undoubtedly fallen in love.  And then, at the end of the movie, he would have proposed to her . . . at the top of the Space Needle, of course!)

Sleepless in Seattle Grace — Coming soon to a theater near you!

Mini McDreamy kindly directs Cristina to the Space Needle.  However, when a series of ambulences pass by the pair, sirens wailing, she follows them instead.  Poor Mini Mac watches her go, dumbfounded, because he has clearly stepped onto the wrong show . . .

As it turns out, there was a massive shooting at a local college.  Cristina comes on the scene, just as one of the injured is taken into an ambulance.  “You need to crack his chest,” she yells instinctively at the EMT’s hovering over the stretcher . . .

“You’ve been replaced.”

Back at the hospital, Arizona Robbins is officially having the WORST DAY EVER!  For one thing, she’s majorly jetlagged.  For another, her girlfriend won’t take her back.  Callie never even let her PEE at the apartment.   Then Chief Webber tells her she can’t have her old job back, because that Super Douche Dr. Stark has replaced her as Head of Pediatrics.  But in a few moments, both Arizona and Dr. Webber will have much more important things to worry about than Arizona’s relationship and employment status . . .

Deja Vu . . .

In the lobby of the hospital, we find the entire Seattle Grace staff huddled around a television, sobbing.  News has just broken about the campus shooting at the local college.  An indeterminate number of students and faculty have been injured, and they are headed to Seattle Grace for treatment. 

Like a general preparing his troops for battle, Chief Webber delivers a solemn and inspirational speech to his tearful and highly emotional staff, as they await the arrival of the ambulances.  His speech was so touching and powerful, it brought tears to my eyes, when I heard it during the episode promo.  It brought tears to them again, during the episode itself.  And it made me cry a third time, when I rewatched the promo to get them all down on paper to use in this recap. 

Here’s what he said:  “We are going to have feelings today, and there is no shame in that.  What we went through six months ago, is what they are going through right now, which makes them our brothers and sisters.”

As the ambulences arrive, we are introduced, one-by-one, to the patients that will be the focus of the episode.  The first is a 15-year old certified genius, who has been shot in the stomach and leg.  The second is a professor, who has fallen from a four-story window, while trying to help his students escape. 

The third is a policeman who disarmed the shooter, but was shot himself, in the process.  In the ambulence with that victim was the police chief who royally effed up the handling of the Seattle Grace shooting, six months prior.  (Remember, how many times those Keystone cops of his had that nutjob in their sights, and let him get AWAY?)

Police Chief FAIL!

But, in all seriousness, it was hard to hate on the Police Chief, when he seemed so genuinely concerned as to the well-being of the younger cop.  In addition to his obviously having a fatherly type relationship with this policeman, the Police Chief has other reasons for wanting his employee to survive this accident.  Apparently, this patient is the only one who will actually be able to identify the Shooter . . .

And yet, it’s the inhabitants of the  fourth ambulence, that really cause all the fans mouths to drop open . . .

Remember that guy who Cristina witnessed being carried into the ambulence, during the first few moments of the episode?  Well, as it turns out, she didn’t just TELL the EMTs to crack his chest.  She did it for them! 

Since Cristina’s hands are inside the patient’s body cavity, Teddy, who will be the lead attending on the surgery, allows her former protege to participate in the operation.  But just in case Doppelganger Zombie Cristina rears her ugly head again, Teddy wisely requests that Dr. Avery scrub in as well . . .

“All State, BABY!”

The mood of the episode, lightens just a bit, as we are taken inside another OR, where Douchebag Stark and Karev are operating on the 15-year old prodigy.  Psycho Stark seems absolutely intent on sawing off the poor teen’s leg!  He claims this is because she has other life threatening injuries.  This is despite the fact that the other unnamed doctor on the scene, informs Stark that these other injuries are under control . . .

Ummm .  . . Dr. Giggles?  Just because you are operating on a minor, doesn’t mean you should treat surgery like a game of Operation . . .

“But the game told me to remove the LEG BONE!  If I don’t remove it, I’LL LOSE!”

Karev knows there is a way to save the girl’s leg, without causing her any additional medical harm; and he tells Stark as much.  But Dr. Giggles blows him off.  Fortunately, Arizona is watching the event from the cheap seats, and sides with Karev.  An affronted Dr. Giggles pouts, and calls Arizona unprofessional, telling her she no longer has any authority at this hospital.  “Body block him, Karev,” shouts Arizona, as she dashes off to get scrub-in approval. 

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As Karev continues his standoff with the squirrelly Dr. Giggles, Arizona commandeers Callie to help with the surgery . .  .

When Callie hears Karev’s side of the story, she immediately kicks Dr. Giggles out of the OR, and takes over.  “In this hospital, we take shootings, very personally,” explains Callie. 

Once Giggles is gone, Callie sends a triumphant Karev to help other patients in need.  “Yesssss, that’s cool!  My work here is done.  ALL STATE, BABY!”  He shouts, pumping his fist, as he struts out of the OR, in true Alpha Male Frat Boy Fashion.  (LOVE HIM!)

Meanwhile Sniveling Dr. Giggles whines to Dr. Webber about being kicked out of his OWN OR . . .

But Webber (who was TOTALLY my hero this week, by the way), absolutely OWNED the bastard, by shutting him up for good, with THIS gem of a line, “Go be a DOCTOR!  People are DYING!  GO SAVE A LIFE, NOWWWW!”

Back in the OR, Arizona was taking advantage of her Captive Audience Surgical Moment with Callie, to grovel her way back into Callie’s Pretty Pink Pantalones.  Callie DEFINITELY wasn’t having it . . .  But you know what she WAS having?  REALLY HUGE HOOP EARRINGS . . .

OK . . . maybe I was exaggerating their size just a bit.  But was I the only one bothered by this?  I mean, I know how often I lose MY hoop earrings!  So, if my body is lying on an operating table, chopped in HALF, I sure as heck don’t want my doctor wearing those, while she’s sewing me back up.  The only hoops I want in my body cavity are the ones that were there to begin with!  Just sayin’ . . .

Anyway, Callie and Arizona ended up saving the prodigy’s leg.  Their relationship?  Not so much . . . When Arizona tells Callie that she “loves her” and “crossed the whole world to be with her,” Callie retorts with, “There are two of us in this relationship . . . you came back, but I didn’t.” 

It was harsh moment for the pair, but one bursting with truth and revelations from both parties.   To be honest, I’m not quite sure who’s side I’m on here.  I sort of feel bad for both of them.  Am I the only one?

“I was the wife in that waiting room.”

Speaking of surgical relationship squabbles, Meredith and Derek were having one of their own, as they performed brain surgery on the professor who fell from the four-story window.  Meredith kept excusing herself to update the patient’s wife on his progress. 

 This deeply annoyed Derek, who saw the repeated interruptions as an unnecessary hinderance to the surgical procedure.  “Since when are you more interested in updating the wife in the waiting room, than doing this?”  Derek inquires coldly.

“Since I was the wife in the waiting room!”  Meredith exclaims.  “You and Cristina are so busy supporting eachother.  Have you even noticed that I went through a trauma too?”

Meredith reminds Derek that being “the wife in the waiting room,” was so traumatic to her, six months ago that she came into the OR, and asked that The Shooter take her life instead of Derek’s.  Meredith’s speech touches Derek at his core.   Finally, he understands the extent of what his wife has endured.  Derek is so overwhelmed with emotion, that he must take a moment to collect his thoughts, before continuing on with the surgery.

Outside in the lobby, Meredith leads the Professor’s wife and other patient’s family members to the center of the hospital (where the Seattle Grace Shooting took place, by the way).  From there, the family members can see the hospital parking lot, where thousands of college students are standing together holding candles, and singing their school’s alma mater.  (Oh yeah . . . this scene made me cry too . . .just in case there was any doubt.)

Though it was not without its complications, the professor’s surgery is a success.  So elated is the Professor’s Wife with this news that she gives Derek a big hug!  Later, Derek embraces Meredith, in a sweet apology, for his douchiness to her throughout the episode.  “You’ve been holding everyone up all along.  You amaze me,” he whispers in her ear.

Derek has some additional good news for Meredith.   Cristina is PERFORMING SURGERY AGAIN!

Getting Closure . . .

Although Cristina’s story of catharsis and healing was undoubtedly the most significant of the episode, it was far from the only one.  Other characters were also able to obtain peace and closure, as a result of this second tragic, but ultimately triumphant event.  For Bailey, this came from her being able to save a young man named Chuck from dying of a wound that was startlingly similar to the one Charles Percy suffered during the Seattle Grace shooting . . .

So, overwhelmed with emotion is Bailey, by the obvious similarities between the two patients and their conditions, that she repeatedly calls this new patient “Charles” instead of “Chuck.”  Charles Percy may have died, but Chuck will hopefully lead a long life, thanks to Bailey’s strength and perseverence . . .

April . . .

. . . who was undoubtedly still experiencing some feelings of guilt over the way she froze — and was generally unable to act — during the Seattle Grace Shooting, was given the opportunity to take charge of this situation.  When all the ORs in the hospital were booked, Owen assigned April to run an improptu trauma center in the hospital.  Because we ALL remember how kick ass she was in trauma training, right?

Well, apparently, she kicks ass at it in real life too, as she showed us this week!  This just proves, once again that April Kepner is TOTALLY the New George O’Malley, both in terms of social awkwardness, and trauma prowess . . .

R.I.P. O’Malley!

During the Seattle Grace Shooting, Lexie and Sloan operated on a very wounded Alex, using only the bare minimum of surgical tools that were available to them.  When faced with virtually the same situation once again, Mark made sure to allow Lexie to do the surgical cutting, so that she could prove to herself that she was capable of doing so a second time.  Toward the end of the episode, a grateful Lexie tells Mark she loves him.  He’s obviously thrilled!

I predict MANY more hours of bunny sex in this couple’s future . . .

“Your Patient is the Shooter.”

When the policeman finally awakens, and offers a description of the shooter, we learn, much to our chagrin, that it is the patient on which Teddy, Yang, and Avery are currently operating.  Floored by the notion that the three of them will be “wasting” an excessive amount of hospital resources — which could be used on other patients– to save the life of the person who caused all the casualties, in the first place, Avery storms out of the OR . . .  (He does that A LOT, doesn’t he?)

Teddy thanks Cristina for staying to complete the surgery.  “I know it can’t have been an easy decision,” says the Cardio God. 

“You know what, though?  It was,” explains Cristina thoughtfully!

(Can I just reiterate how ELATED I am that our girl is back?)

As for Avery, he somewhat softens his position on whether the hospital should expend resources on saving the shooter’s life, when he hears Alex talk of his schizophrenic brother trying to shoot his sister.  “If he got hurt doing it, I’d want the doctors to do everything they could to save his life.  No matter what, he’s still my brother,” Alex explains.

I know he’s a MAJOR ass, sometimes, but I’m still in love with Alex Karev . . .

Avery takes Alex’s words to heart, when he comforts the mother of the Shooter, by gently explaining to her that her son is still alive, and all efforts are being taken to save him . . .

I know he’s a MAJOR ass sometimes, but I’m still in love with Jackson Avery too!  (Notice a pattern here?)

As the rest of the staff wrap up their surgeries, the doctors come to watch Cristina and Teddy finish operating on the Shooter . . .

As they watch, Webber explains to them, that of the 26 patients that were brought to the hospital, as a result of this second shooting, there were NO casualties.  Upon hearing this, the whole staff immediately erupts into tears that are a mixture of happiness for the triumphs of the day, and despair for the losses of six months prior.  Shortly thereafter, they all start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, in order to obtain a much needed cathartic emotional release after an unbearably stressful.  Dr. Stark, however, is NOT amused . . .

“I HATE THIS PLACE,”  he whines, storming out as the rest of the staff continues to chuckle at his expense. 

The “fun” continues, when Dr. Webber tells Arizona that he was lying to her before.  She CAN come back to Seattle Grace .  . . provided she works under Dr. Stark.  The look on Arizona’s face when he gives her the news is PRICELESS!

“Webber say WHAT?”

After the final surgery of the day, an exhausted Teddy reluctantly heads to Joe’s Bar (which is the only bar in Seattle, apparently), to fill out medical insurance paper work with her new husband, Noel Crane . . .

But Noel, ever the charmer, convinces her to share a celebratory drink with him first.  “You saved MY life today,” he explains sweetly, “and that deserves a toast.”

(OK . . . so I’m going to give these two three episodes tops, before they are doing the horizontal mambo together.  Anyone care to wager with me?)

But the best scene of all came at the very end of the episode, when best friends Cristina and Meredith — both clad in scrubs (as they SHOULD BE!) — reunited, after taking a LONG and very PAINFUL break from one another.

“Wanna get a drink?”  Cristina asks congenially, as if no time or recriminations have passed between them at all.”

“Yeah . . . but not a real drink, since I’m trying to get pregnant.  And I read that drinking when your pregnant results in your baby having three heads, and sixteen toes,” replies Meredith conversationally.

“How about some crack cocaine then?”  Cristina retorts, as the pair walk off into the night together, and the screen fades to black. 

Yep . . . Meredith and Cristina . . . still dark and twisty after all these years . . .

Well, that’s all she wrote, Greysies!  Be sure to tune in next week, to watch Bailey get some LONG OVERDUE sex action from THIS GUY!

Is it Thursday yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Fishing, Fistulas and Fake Marriages – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Adrift and at Peace”

Cristina really wanted to catch a fish.  So, Derek threw one at her . . .

This week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy featured two marriage proposals, two (sort of) couple reunions, two hot new cast members, and one REALLY BIG FISH!

Not bad for a single hour of television, right?  Let’s recap!

 There’s No CRYING in Fishing!

When the episode opens, Meredith is nagging Derek about his decision to take Cristina fishing, on his day off.  While Meredith might very well be concerned about Cristina’s emotional state, her PTSD, how gosh darn frustrating and annoying her character has become since The Shooting, and her sudden inability to practice medicine, she seems most worried about Cristina’s bodily functions.  “There’s no bathroom,” whines Meredith.

Clearly, in addition to all the other things PTSD has done to Cristina, it has also made her incontinent . . .

Don’t leave home without them . . .

Ignoring Meredith’s plaintive potty pleas, Derek takes Cristina out on the lake for an exciting afternoon of sitting in a boat and stroking poles.  Cristina tries to impress Derek with all of her newly acquired fishing knowledge.  But Derek basically tells her to shut the hell up.

“Be quiet, or I will CUT YOU!  I’ve done time in the pokey, you know . . .”

Then Cristina catches a BIG FISH . . .

 . . . which makes her cry . . .

“I just pooped in my pants.”

 . . . and makes Derek smile.

“Haha, Owen has to sleep with Poopy Pants tonight!”

Luckily, the moment was captured on camera!

Because, who wouldn’t want to remember a thing like that?  (ME!)

Apparently, Cristina’s dramatic tears are supposed to represent progress in her “Journey Back to Mental Health” or something . . . At least, that’s what Meredith and Derek think . . .

Then again, they aren’t the ones who have to sleep with Poopy Pants . . .

“Thanks a lot, A$$holes!”

Speaking of A$$holes . . .

Wanna Play the Blame Game?

Meredith and Owen have been bickering like an old married couple, because Meredith thinks Owen is “letting Cristina fall apart, and doing nothing about it” (which he is).  And Owen thinks Meredith is a “reckless suicidal wackadoo, who asked a psychotic gunman to shoot her” (which she also is).  Owen even goes so far as to kick Meredith out of his ER!  There is obviously some angry sexual tension here.  But if the writers of this show ever make Meredith and Owen cheat on their respective spouses, and hookup, I will be SUPER PISSED! 

Just sayin’ . . .

Sex with you makes me sad!

Do I have to break out the Rubber Duckie again?

If there was a book of things you should never say to your lover . . .

 . . . “Sex with you makes me sad,” would be on the first page . . . and “while I’m having sex with you, I think about [insert name here] would be on the second.  Nevertheless, these are the words Callie and Sloan exchange with one another, after a morning of sharing hot showers.  After, Callie kicks Sloan out of the shower . . .

 . . . and he “recovers” . . .

 . . . Dr. McSteamy becomes determined to win back Lexie, a girl who doesn’t get sad from screwing him.  First, Sloan does Lexie a sexual medical favor, in exchange for her agreeing to get a drink with him at Joe’s.  Lexie doesn’t really want to go out with Sloan.  So, she tells Avery to interrupt the date, and make an excuse as to why she must leave.

(Unfortunately, Avery was dressed at the time . . .)

Then, Sloan chats with a patient, who started to date her now-husband, because he kissed her while “bowling” ( not a sexual euphemism, sadly), and was a “Really Good Kisser.”

So, when Lexie arrives at the bar, and starts babbling on-and-on about why she can’t date Mark again, he does this .  . .

And, suddenly, Lexie is in luuuuuuuuuuuve again.  Then, Avery arrives . . .

Sorry, Avery!  It looks like you’re stuck with me! 🙂

Eat My Door, Arizona!

“And no, that is NOT a euphemism for sexual favors either . . .”

Callie’s still feeling like crap this week, because her girlfriend, Arizona, dumped her for Africa.  And because she wants to let everyone know that she’s “Still Awesome,” Callie commandeers Alex to help her perform a new non-invasive type of hip surgery on a patient, who has a majorly annoying wife . . .

Alex and Callie rock the surgery . . .

But Alex still wants to specialize in Pediatrics.  So, he turns down Callie’s offer to train him as a Bone Specialist.

Callie:  “Why are doctors who like kids always dumping my ass?”

Speaking of doctors who like kids and dump Callie’s ass, Arizona shows up at Callie’s door toward the end of the episode.  But, rather than apologize for breaking her heart and leaving her ass that the airport, Arizona just tells Callie she missed her a lot, and decided to leave Africa, because not having sex with Callie “made her sad.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself, B*tch?”

So, Callie slams the door in Arizona’s face, and goes back to rubbing her duckie . . . solo . . .

Marry Me, Noel Crane!

“What will Felicity say?”

Nice Guy, Noel Crane from that old show Felicity has a pretty bad tumor, and has maxed out his health insurance  .  . .

So, he asks his girlfriend, who is NOT named Felicity, to marry him, so that he can get her PPO.  (That’s not a sexual euphemism either . . . sorry!)  NotFelicity ultimately turns Noel Crane down because she is a heinous b*tch. 

Teddy, who is feeling kind of crappy about the whole “Cristina has PTSD” thing, and recognizes that her own character has been generally unlikeable for quite some time now tries to get the hospital to take on Noel Crane’s treatment pro bono.

But THIS GUY says “NO.”

“You can hate me if you want, but I’ve got my SAG card now . . . and no one is taking that away from me.”

So, Teddy asks Noel Crane to marry her and use her health insurance.  Noel Crane says “Yes” . . .

(Somewhere in TV Land, Felicity Porter is crying her eyes out . . .)

“This is worse than the time I got that bad haircut, and everyone stopped watching my show . . .”

In other, New Hot Cast Member news . . .

Greetings, Nurse Panty Dropper!

Making sponge baths fun for TWELVE YEARS!

Bailey is still obsessed with fistulas, ever since Mandy Moore croaked from them . . .

 (well . . . not really . . . but on this show she did!).  Now, Bailey’s got her residents investigating various ways to prevent fistulas.  But they are taking WAY too long in doing so.  So, Bailey gets an idea . . .

After seeing how awed the residents are by watching Bailey extract a gallbladder through a patient’s mouth . . .

 . . . Bailey asks Lexie if she would like the opportunity to do the same thing on her own.  Lexie says she wants it about as much as she used to want a pony when she was a kid . . . In other words, she wants it A LOT!  April (who now has a new hair color, which makes her look like kind of like those old Strawberry Shortcake dolls) . . .

 . . . brags that she worked hard when she was a kid, and actually got herself a pony . . .

April’s Little Pony

Anyway, Bailey tells her “pony-loving” Fistula Research Crew that the resident who’s patient doesn’t get fistulas will win the opportunity to pull a gallbladder out of somebody’s mouth . . .

But NONE of the residents can prevent the fistulas!  You know who DOES prevent the fistulas though?  THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about hot half naked guy on the left with the BIG Hose!  (Unfortunately, he was dressed at the time . . .)

When Bailey asks Nurse Panty Dropper (that’s my new name for the dude pictured above), why he insisted on removing a patient’s “tube,” despite Lexie’s request that he leave it in for two more days, Nurse Panty Dropper replies that he is not just a “Pretty Face” he is a Majorly Hot Body too!  In fact, Nurse Panty Dropper has been removing tubes from patients for twelve years, and they never got fistulas. 

In other words, “Butt Out, BAILEY!  I’ve got this sh*t under control!”

Upon reviewing Nurse Panty Dropper’s records, Bailey learns that he ALWAYS removes the tube in question after THREE DAYS, instead of FIVE.  And it is this early tube removal that apparently prevents fistulas.  GO FIGURE!

Bailey is very happy!

“I CURED FISTULAS!”  She shouts triumphantly, interrupting the Chief’s board meeting to share the happy news.  (Ummmm . . . actually Bailey, Nurse Panty Dropper cured fistulas, you just kind of watched . . .)

Bailey is so thankful for Nurse Panty Dropper and his Hot Bod of Sin miraculous medical techniques, that when he asks her out on a date, she says, “OK . . . because you gave me Day 3.”

“And because I’m very handsome,” adds Nurse Panty Dropper.

Bailey nods shyly at Nurse Panty Dropper’s assessment.  Then she butt wiggles away, so he can get a nice shot of her rearview.  And why the heck not?  She’s just had the BEST DAY EVER!

Well, that was “Adrift and at Peace” in a nutshell.  And . . . since there are no new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy until January . . .

 . . . I leave you with this promo, to wet your whistle for what’s to come . . .

See you next year!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 2 of 2)

A couple of days ago, I came up with a list of the top ten plotline cliches featured in teen-oriented television dramas.  In the first installment of this blog entry, I posted the first five of these cliches.  That list included: (1) the Pregnancy Plotline; (2) the Death of a Peripheral Character Plotline; (3) the Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline; (4) the Cheating on a Test  / Plagiarism Plotline; and, finally, (5) the “Bad Influence” Plotline.

This installment will focus on the following popular Teen Television Cliches: (1) the Love Triangle; (2) the Summer in Europe; (3) the Love / Hate Relationship; (4) the School Ski Trip; and, of course (5) the Prom.  So, without further adieu, what do you say we take off our creative thinking caps, embrace conformity, and get started?

1) “Can’t we all just . . . have a threesome, instead?” – The Love Triangle Plotline

The Storyline:  Girl meets boy.  Boy is attractive. 

Boy is also nice and sweet, albeit a tad boring (and, sometimes, a bit of a whiny b*tch). 

Or, conversely, Boy is total douche; 

but Girl’s parents love him;

He looks “good on paper.”

and Boy is sure to make Girl a very wealthy, but very bored, housewife, some time in the not-so-distant future, if she plays her cards right.

But then . . . Other Boy magically appears.

Unlike the original Boy, Other Boy is a little dangerous . . .

Maybe he’s from the wrong side of the proverbial “tracks” . . .

Or, perhaps he has a reputation for being a bit of male slut . . .

 . . . or a criminal.

 Or maybe he has a bit of a mean streak, so Girl isn’t sure she can really trust him.

But there is just something about the way Other Boy makes Girl feel . . .

She smiles and laughs more when she’s around him. 

(Click the internal link to watch.)

He makes her more fun!

And Other Boy continues to believe in Girl, and support her, long after everyone else has seemingly abandoned her (including the original Boy).

So, what’s a Girl to do, when she wants them both?

Who does she choose?  Well, that depends on the season . . . the Television Season, that is . . .

Examples: Joey, Pacey, and Dawson (Dawson’s Creek); Veronica, Logan, and Duncan (Veronica Mars); Marissa, Ryan, and Luke (The O.C.); Elena, Damon, and Stefan (The Vampire Diaries); Rory, Jesse, and Dean (Gilmore Girls); Blair, Chuck, and Nate (Gossip Girl); Peyton, Lucas, and Nate (One Tree Hill); Emma, Sean, and Peter (Degrassi: The Next Generation); Felicity, Ben, and Noel (Felicity); Casey, Cappie, and Evan (Greek); Lyla, Tim, and Jason (Friday Night Lights)

Why it’s a cliche?  Three words (One of them is a contraction).  Because . . . It’s . . . AWESOME!

When it comes to successful teen drama plotlines, The Love Triangle, is a surefire WIN!  After all, what girl wouldn’t want to have two totally hot guys, who are complete opposites of one another fighting over her!  Aside from allowing female fans to vicariously fulfill their deepest fantasies, Love Triangles provide the added benefit of making Teen Television watching a TEAM SPORT!  Boys have football and basketball.  Girls have  THIS . . .

Yes, boys and girls, choosing sides in a Love Triangle War is SERIOUS business!  (Girls have been shot over WAY less!)  Don’t believe me?  Check out the sheer intensity of THESE fan-fueled debates  . . .

About Blair, Chuck and Nate

About Elena, Damon, and Stefan

About Felicity, Ben, and Noel . . .

(The above video debate between these two twenty-somethings kind of goes off the rails, after the first five minutes.  But I love their obvious enthusiasm for a show that’s been off the air now for nearly a decade!  I also love their accents . . . and the very impressive “Portrait of Ben” one of them created.  Scott Speedman, himself, would be proud!)

2) “Go to Europe . . . because no one could possibly ‘find themselves’ in the States!”  – The Summer in Europe Plotline

“When in France, do as the French do . . . French kiss!”

(Here we go again!  Internal link clicking time!)

The Storyline: It’s close to the end of the Season.  Our female protagonist’s life is a mess!  It’s just jam packed with unresolved love triangles, family issues, and massive blowout fights with former friends.  And what better way is there to deal with all of your problems, than to run away from them?  So, our female protagonist jaunts off to Europe (usually Paris), leaving pining boys and cliffhangers in her wake . . .

 Once there, our female protagonist sees the sights . . .

and miraculously FINDS HERSELF!  When she comes back, she’s a COMPLETELY different person, than when she left.  Who knows?  She might even have a new completely random, doesn’t belong on the show at all boyfriend!

Examples: Serena and Blair (Gossip Girl); Joey Potter (Dawson’s Creek); Brenda and Donna (90210); Holly (What I Like About You)

Why it’s a Cliche?  The main character’s temporary departure from his or her home base is a great way to bring about a Teen Television Drama’s summer hiatus.  If us fans are forced to spend an ENTIRE summer away from our beloved gang of characters, at least we can sleep better knowing that they aren’t hanging out with one another EITHER!  Plus, filming a scene or two “across the pond” makes for a great excuse for the show’s writers to say to their producer, “I’d like an all expense paid European vacation, please.  What!  It’s for THE SHOW!”

A summer in another country is also a pretty good excuse to suddenly change the entire personality and demeanor of a character, without any rational explanation whatsoever .  . .

“I got my new girlfriend and a frontal lobe lobotomy in Prague.  Doesn’t everybody?

3) “He Loves Me  . . . He Hates My Guts . . . He Loves Me . . .” – The Love/ Hate Relationship Plotline

The Storyline: He’s a playboy, and a real ladies man.  But he comes across as mean, and kind of shallow.  She’s a Type A personality, who comes across as cold and a bit uptight. 

They butt heads from the moment they first appear on screen together.  They fight, and call eachother names.  They insult one another, and play nasty tricks on eachother. 

But there is a passion boiling beneath the surface, that both he and she are trying desperately to deny. 

At the time, he and she are both involved with other people.  Their significant others notice the sexual tension laced beneath their supposed hatred, and try in vain to ignore it.  But the tension only grows.  Jealous and longing looks become prevalent.  Lingering touches, and moments of out-of-character “niceness,” between the two make each member of the pair begin to question their feelings. 

The guy in this scenario typically recognizes his feelings for her first. 

(You know the drill . . .)

But he usually keeps this to himself, out of fear of being ridiculed by the new object of his desires.  Then the two are placed in a dramatic situation.  Suddenly their mutual passion for one another overtakes them.  And they both give in to their desires.

Examples: Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek); Buffy and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer); Veronica and Logan (Veronica Mars); Seth and Summer (The O.C. – sort of . . . well . . . she hated him); Elena and Damon (The Vampire Diaries); Blair and Chuck (Gossip Girl)

Why it’s a Cliche?  You know how everyone always talks about how hot Makeup Sex is?  A couple fights, and then they make up.  All that angst and sexual energy, built up from all that red-faced arguing, is just kindling for the inevitable Orgasmic Fire of “Getting Back Together.”  And THAT’S from a fight that might last a day!  You can just imagine how hot Makeup Sex would be if the couple fought nonstop for TWO SEASONS!

4) “When the temperatures get COLD, the action gets HOT!” – The Ski Trip Plotline

The Storyline:  I’m going to be honest, this one was less of a “storyline” and more of a “plot convention.”  (Hey!  YOU try to come up with ten of these things . . . It’s not as easy as it looks.)  But did you ever notice how virtually EVERY teen drama features at least one ski trip?  BIG THINGS always happen on ski trips too!  People get drunk, get laid, get raped, or cheat on their significant other!   And someone ALWAYS hurts their foot, and conveniently can’t ski!

Examples:

Dawson’s Creek:

Jenn hurts her foot, gets wasted, and almost screws Gay Jack. 

Pacey and Joey do it for the first time!

Boy Meets World:

Cory hurts his foot too!  And makes out with Linda Cardellini!

Other fabulous shows featuring wild and crazy teen ski trips include Degrassi: Next Generation (Darcy gets date raped), and What I Like About You (Holly comes to terms with her feelings for Vince).

Precisely NONE of these characters were ever shown ACTUALLY skiing . . .

Why it’s a Cliche?  There’s just something about being away from home and your parents . . . about sleeping in a log cabin, right next to the fire.  You relax.  You let your guard down.  You get a little slutty and make bad choices.  (Except in the case of Pacey and Joey . . . that choice was GOOD!)  Plus, it’s WAY cheaper to film on location in some fake ski lodge than say . . . taking your entire cast and crew to Europe.

5) “Question:  What happened at Prom?  Answer: EVERYTHING!” – The Prom Plotline

The Storyline: It’s the event of the WHOLE season!  The entire cast will be in attendance!  But not everybody is going with the person they WANT to be going with. 

 A couple will break up.  A couple will get back together. 

Someone will win prom queen. 

 

Someone’s heart will be broken. 

A couple will finally do it. 

Another couple will ALMOST do it, but decide to wait . . . Oh, and someone will get wasted and make an ass of herself.

Examples: Dawson’s Creek, The O.C., 90210, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl

Why it’s a Cliche?  For every high school girl, the Prom is the culminating social event of her entire pre-college academic career.  Even the most jaded of high school students (and I, myself, was already pretty jaded by that time) can’t help but dream of having the perfect dress, the perfect limo, the perfect Prom date, and the perfect slow dance.  For most of us, with all that build up and preparation, Prom itself ends up being pretty anti-climactic.  (The Post Prom Beach Trip, on the other hand . . . now, THAT ROCKED!).  But if we CAN’T have the perfect Prom, at least we can get the joy of seeing our television friends experience it for us.

So, there you have it – Ten Trashtastic Teen Television Cliches for your viewing pleasure!  Doesn’t it all make you feel OLD?

 

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