Managing Expect-A-tions – A Review of Pretty Little Liar’s Season 2 Finale “UnmAsked”

[Brief note: This post is simply a “review of” and “reaction to” “UnmAsked.”  A full recap will follow . . . eventually. :)]

Strait jackets .  . . all the cool psychopaths are wearing them . . . 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, PLL wrapped up its sophomore season with a season finale that was arguably as polarizing as “A” herself.  Thousands of frustrated fans flooded the message boards, Twitter, and YouTube to express their discontent with the way the season concluded.

Meanwhile, others rushed to defend the controversial choices made by the writers and producers.

The source of this controversy, of course, was the identity of “A” . . . the technologically savvy, ridiculously snarky, and seemingly omniscient super villain, who had been torturing the titular Pretty Little Liars, since the pilot episode.

And while I suspect a large number of fans were surprised by the reveal, it wasn’t necessarily for the reasons the writers intended . . .

Truth be told, this was far from the first time a television series that had been based on a book series chose to remain faithful to some of those novels’ main plot points.  Many television shows have successfully done this, without provoking the inevitable ire of the fandom.  Back in 2008, True Blood was applauded for its faithfulness to the murder mystery storyline that comprised the first book of the Sookie Stackhouse book series (serial killer included).

A season later, they were applauded again for creatively diverting from those same books, in order to save the life of a beloved character, who notoriously met his demise on the first few pages of the series’ second novel.

More recently, in 2011, the producers of Game of Thrones received critical acclaim for their almost slavish loyalty to the book series on which it was based.  Critics particularly appreciated the show’s courageous decapitation of the show’s main character, a moral and mostly likeable protagonist, who also happened to be played by a rather well-known and popular actor.

So what made PLL the high school outcast of this group?

The difference in this situation, I think, was that the producers, writers, and cast of PLL failed to properly manage expectations regarding what viewers could expect to see in the season’s final episode.  In what was undoubtedly an attempt at last-minute damage control, Pretty Little Liars showrunner, Marlene King, assured fans that she had never explicitly told fans that the identity of “A” would be different from who it was in the books.  And yet, when countless articles, and press releases, like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE posited this very theory as stemming directly from King, herself, she never exactly disabused fans of this notion, either.

So, when Mona van der Waal acted so RIDICULOUSLY guilty, throughout the show’s second season, that she all but wore a neon sign on her back that said, “I AM A,” recappers and reviewers, like myself, pointedly avoided listing her as our main suspect, simply because we took for granted the fact that the writers weren’t going to go there.

 

So, when they did, in fact, go there, we couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed and betrayed.

And that’s a shame, because it undermined the integrity of what was, by many other respects, a pretty solid finale episode.

Truth be told, of all the possible “A” suspects — with the exception of, perhaps, Not-so-Blind Jenna, and maybe Lucas — Mona had the best motive to be “A.”  After all, she had been shamelessly tortured by Ali throughout most of high school, while the rest of the PLL girls stood idly by, and let it happen.

To make matters worse, Hanna, Mona’s self-proclaimed “one true friend,” has been noticeably distant from Mona, throughout the series, consistently ditching her to engage in “A-Sleuthing” with the rest of the liars . . . (of course, it could be argued that Hanna’s recent absence from her life was actually MONA’S fault).

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And yet, I would have liked to see the producers push the boundaries a bit, by not necessarily going with the most obvious choice for “A.”

We’ve seen the writers take chances like this, earlier in the series, in a number of ways: by introducing new characters, who weren’t in the books, choosing not to kill characters who died in the books, and, in one particular instance, killing a character who DID survive the series.  So, why not do it again, in this instance, by changing the identity of “A” to someone unexpected . . . someone who seemed a bit less . . . for lack of a better term . . . shady?

Or, conversely, I would have liked for the writers to simply be honest about the direction in which the story was headed, by saying something like this: “There are some aspects of the television series that pay homage to the books.  But even faithful book readers will find some surprises in store for them in the season finale.”

This, at least, is a true, and non-misleading, statement.  After all, the finale DID have some surprises contained within it, even for fans of the book series . . .

Unlike a lot of other series’ season finales, which tend to be slow-moving and uneventful, until the last ten minutes of the episode, “UnmAsked” definitely FELT like a season finale.  The episode moved a long at a brisk pace, throughout the hour.

And the genuinely creepy locales where the drama unfolded . . .  for example, the Psycho-inspired motel (complete with its very own Norman Bates, lookalike) and accompanying Shower Scene . . .

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 . . .  the Masquerade Ball filled with strangers and unsavory looking characters . . .

. . .  the abandoned road on a dark and stormy night, A’s “Lair” which looked like it would have been right at home in the first hour of any episode of Law and Order, SVU . . .

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 . . . only added to the building excitement, and unshakeable feeling of impending doom.

I was also really impressed with the acting in this episode.  As the unhinged Mona, Janel Parrish was just the right mix of campy crazy, unintentionally hilarious, and genuinely terrifying.

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Hanna’s shock and sadness at learning her so-called bestie was a total wackadoodle, who HIT HER WITH A CAR, felt real to me.

Shay Mitchell’s Emily literally had me in tears, during the episodes heartbreaking final moments . . . And this is coming from someone who was never a Maya fan.

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(I also adored the parallel between the pilot episode’s Body Discovery, and this one.  That background song they played during both, will haunt me for the rest of my days . . .)

And who could forget the unbeatable Team Sparia, who provided the episode’s only evidence of comic relief . . . not to mention a nice nod to a certain segment of the fandom?

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Speaking of ships,  fans of Ezria . . .

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Spoby . . .

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  . . . and Haleb . . .

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 . . .  all had something to cheer about, when the aforementioned couples each received their respective Happily Ever Afters Nows, this week.

Of course, I still wanted my Wren to make an appearance . . . (Damn you, writers!  DAMN YOU!)

And while the episode did answer some of the major questions plaguing fans throughout the series, it also presented us with plenty of new ones to get us excited for the upcoming third season (which is set to premiere this summer).  Here are just some of the questions that were swimming around my head, after “UnmAsked” concluded:

(1) Who exactly is on the A Team?

Was Mona REALLY it’s leader?

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 (And why didn’t Spencer “join it,” when she was given the chance?  I mean, wouldn’t that have been the perfect way to keep your ENEMIES CLOSER?)

(2) Which mysterious female dressed as The Black Swan at the Masquerade Ball?

(3) Who was Not-so-Blind Jenna talking to in the park, and what mysterious item did she give her (because it looked much too small to be the Black Swan costume)?  And WHEN DID SHE GET HER DRIVER’S LICENSE?

(4) What the F is the deal between Abs Toby and Dr. Sullivan (a.k.a. as the lame shrink who got scared out of town by an eighty pound high schooler?  Is he her son, or what?  How much did they know about what was going on?  And why was it necessary for Toby to “pretend he didn’t love Spencer?”

(5) Who exactly was the creepy chick with the red dess and gold mask at the Masquerade Ball?

And was she the same creepy chick who visited Mona in the loony bin, at the end of the episode?

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(6) Does Mona’s have Supernatural Powers, which enabled her to BEAT UP Spencer and Emily, on separate occasions, and CARRY SPENCER INTO A CAR?  (Oh and how lame was Dr. Sullivan’s explanation of her PSYCHOSIS?  How exactly does being a psychopath, make you seem omniscient to OTHER PEOPLE?  Where exactly did this b*tch go to shrink school anyway, Dunkin Donuts?)

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(7) Did the flashback featuring Mona and “Ali” dressed as Vivian Darkbloom actually happen?  Did “Ali” really not pick up the phone, when Mona called her, like Mona said?  Or was being “A” the price Mona paid for her so-called popularity?

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(8)Who killed Maya (assuming Maya is actually dead) and why?

(9) And, perhaps, most importantly, “WHERE’S MY WREN?”

So, tell me, my Pretties, what were your thoughts on the Season 2 finale?  Were you disappointed that Mona was “A?”  What are your expectations for next season, in light of some of the cliffhangers / new mysteries introduced here?  Feel free to vent to your heart’s content, in the comment section below.  I’ll see you there!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Beware of the Creeper (and DON’T squeeze the grapefruits)! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “To Kill a Mocking Girl”

“Smile!  I want to take your picture!  This way, I can photocopy it 1000’s of times; wallpaper my bedroom with it; and tongue kiss your image while performing various pagan rituals in the nude.  Sound good to you?”

A few weeks back, when I started watching Pretty Little Liars, I honestly chose it because there wasn’t much else on television at the time.  I figured it would be a guilty pleasure — good for a few laughs and snarky one liners made by me, at the characters’ expense.  But, now, I am three episodes in, and all I can say is . . . WOW!  This show is WAY better than a summer replacement on the “Good Little Christian” cable network, has any right to be . . .

Did I mention it has more attractive, yet VERY creepy, men than an episode of The Bachelorette?

It’s enough to turn a straight girl, gay!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

The Blair Bitches Project

When the episode opens, the girls inexplicably decide it would be a GREAT idea to head out into the dark and creepy woods — very close to where their friend Ali very likely met her demise (assuming she’s actually dead, of course) — in order to “pay tribute to her memory.”  This is undoubtedly because these girls were all too young to have seen The Blair Witch Project.  Therefore, they have no idea just how frightening “dark and creepy woods” can be.  (Consequently, they also probably have never experienced the unique joys of “shaky cam,” or of being able to look up a crying college student’s snot-filled nose on a very big screen.)

Might I interest you in a tissue?

The girls abandon their plans, upon hearing some disturbing noises in the woods, and receiving a highly threatening message from the mysterious “A.”  A says that it is “open season on liars” and that they are “being hunted.”  (It is the sort of message that, upon receipt, a teenage girl would absolutely bring to the cops if: (1) she wasn’t starring on a TV show dependent on her NOT behaving like a logical human being; and (2) the one “cop” in town that could help wasn’t the, quite possibly INSANE, Deputy Douchey.)

“I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  And teenage murder suspects . . .”

Hanna Goes for a Little Drive . . .

When the episode begins, Hanna wakes up to find that, once again, Deputy Douchey has spent the night in her home, and had his “grapefruits squeezed” by Hanna’s mother.  (Way to go, ABC Family!  That was a nice little euphemism for “third base” you snuck in there.  Don’t think, for a second, that the kiddies watching at home didn’t notice!) 

While I spent a good portion of last week’s recap reviling Deputy Douchey, and his one-note, mustache twirling, “Cop Gone Wrong” villiany, I must admit that he looks pretty darn good without his shirt on . . .

And his grapefruits aren’t half bad either . . .

Deputy Douchey (who, apparently, loves being shirtless so much he’d feel quite at home on an episode of True Blood) taunts Hanna, when she accuses him, in no uncertain terms, of using Hanna’s mother to get the “inside scoop” on Hanna and her friends.  After Douchey leaves the room, Hanna’s mother magically appears.  Wise Hanna explains to her mother that regularly boinking an arresting officer, just so Hanna can beat the petty shoplifting charge with which he saddled her, seems like a wee bit of an overreaction. 

Hanna’s mother explains that she just loves squeezing his grapefruits this is a “touchy subject.”  (Uh huh . . .  “the subject” is not ALL she’s touching, these days.)  While they argue, Creepy Deputy Douchey stands just out of sight, sporting a facial expression suspiciously similar to that of  THIS GUY . . .

Coincidentally, Mini Me is the pet name Deputy Douchey has for his “grapefruits.”

At school, Deputy Douchey interrogates Hanna once again.  But without the other girls as witnesses, his questions take a highly inappropriate, (bordering on sexual harrassment) tone.  He basically insinuates that Hanna MUST have killed Ali, because she used to be a little pudgy and isn’t any more.  And if weight loss isn’t a motive for murder, I don’t know what IS! 

In a surprisingly smart moment for this heretofore kind of dim-witted character, Hanna realizes that Deputy Douchey’s knowledge of her recent “transformation” comes from personal and private items he found in her home (while having his grapefruit squeezed), and not things of public record, like, for example, the school yearbook.  She calls Deputy Douchey out on this, by saying, “Is THAT how most cops crack their cases?” 

You GO, Former Fat Girl!

Later, in a surprisingly smart moment for an even DIMMER-witted character, Hanna’s mom notices Deputy Douchey snooping around Hanna’s stuff, recognizes that she is being played, and kicks him to the curb!   “SQUEEZE YOUR OWN DAMN GRAPEFRUITS, DEPUTY DOUCHEY!”

Speaking of grapefruits . . .

 . . . apparently, Hanna’s boyfriend, Sean, doesn’t want her squeezing his.  At a big keggar party, Hanna brings Sean to some “romantic” shed, straddles him, and starts to unbutton his shirt.  He rebuffs her advances, and calls her desperate.  Then, in a mind-boggling attempt at courtesy, he offers her his jacket before leaving her now-suicidal ass alone. 

To make matters worse, Hannaa gets a text message from A saying that “Hefty Hanna never gets her man.”  Is it any wonder she freaked out, stole the keys to Sean’s car, and crashed it into a tree? 

Well, actually . . . it IS kind of a wonder, because normal people just don’t react that way.  But it sure makes for great TV!

Spencer’s Sister hates Spencer’s guts, but LOVES the Russian Revolution!

Careful Spencer!  We all KNOW what happened the last time this Crazy Chica didn’t get her man . . .

When we last left our good pal, Spencer, she was swapping spit with her sister’s hot fiance, Wren, while, unbeknownst to either of them, Spencer’s sister looked on in horror.

Melissa quickly kicked Wren to the curb.  Now she is playing the guilt card for all its worth, ripping into Spencer every chance she gets, and forcing her parents to cancel all her wedding arrangements for her, because she is “too upset” to do it on her own.  But she did change her Facebook status on her own!  So THAT’s something!  (This reminds me . . . there should really be a separate status on Facebook that says:  Single . .  . because my sister is a better kisser than I am.)

Clearly having seen the One Tree Hill episodes featuring the “Crazy Nanny Carrie” storyline, Spencer knows her sister is NOT one to be messed with.  So she goes to visit Wren in hopes of squeezing his grapefruits getting him to clear her name, regarding the whole “kissing thing.”  (“He started it!”) 

Having been exhiled from La Casa de Uptight and Unfriendly, Wren is now crashing on his friend’s couch.  And he seems . . . different.  Gone are the argyle sweaters  and the too neatly combed hair.  Gone is the heavy British accent. (This actually might not have been intentional on the actor’s part.)  As a result, Wren seems to be an even better match for Spencer than he was before — younger looking and more genuine.

Wren claims he tried to help get Spencer back into her family’s good graces before he left, but to no avail.  “Perhaps my biggest mistake was falling in love with the wrong sister,” he admits. 

 Awwwww!  I was skeptical at first, but the idea of these two together has really grown on me.  I really want it to work out between them . . . even if that means a life spent living in fear of the wrath of Crazy Nanny Carrie  . . .

Later, a stressed out Spencer, who is too busy having sex dreams about Wren to write her OWN paper on the Russian Revolution, heads to her sister’s laptop and steals hers.  Mind you, her sister’s paper is SIX YEARS OLD.  She has graduated COLLEGE and yet her HIGH SCHOOL assignment is still easily accessible form her laptop. 

Now, I’m assuming that Melissa has purchased at least one new laptop between 2004 — when she wrote the paper — and now.  Because I HAD a laptop in 2004 . . . and it looked kind of like this . . .

OK . . . I’m exaggerating  . . . A LOT!  But, needless to say, Spencer’s sister’s laptop looked pretty new.  This means that she had to have LOVED her high school history paper on the Russian Revolution, SO MUCH that she took the time to transfer it over to her new computer all those years later.  Now, I’ll admit, there were one or two papers I wrote in high school that I kept around after graduation.  (There was one in particular about the way the show Dawson’s Creek dealt with loss of virginity among teens about which I was particularly fond.)  But a paper on the Russian Revolution?  COME ON!

We all know THIS little lapse of judgment is going to bite Spencer in the ass very soon.  Don’t we?

Give Me Shelter from the Slut

Speaking of Crazy Ladies, Aria’s got her hands full with quite a doozy of one, herself.  Apparently, Spencer’s father’s mistress, once a student of his, is now a teacher at the same college where he is a professor.  And her office just happens to be right across the hall from Daddy-O. 

“An apple for the teacher?  Or, perhaps, you’d prefer a squeezed grapefruit?”

To make matters worse, this mistress, named Meredith, seems intent on aggressively insinuating herself into Aria’s dad’s life, repeatedly stopping by unannounced whereever Aria’s father might happen to be at the time.  When Aria confronts Meredith, and calls her out on her stalking, Meredith DOESN’T deny it!  In fact, she basically tells Aria that it’s going to keep happening.  Furthermore, she implies that, because Aria is in high school, she can’t do anything about it. 

 Older fans of Pretty Little Liars might recognize the actress who plays Meredith, Amanda Schull, from her starring role in that very adorable dance film from a little while back, Center Stage . . .

Younger fans might remember Schull from the ABC Family Original Movie, Sorority Wars, which aired fairly recently.  In it, interestingly enough, Schull plays the nemesis of Lucy Hale, the girl who plays Aria on Pretty Little Liars.  Apparently, these two are just destined to hate one another on the small screen. 

 Infuriated by this recent turn of events, and by the fact that her mother continues to be kept in the dark about her father’s affair, Aria dashes off to Mr. Ezra Fitz’s apartment (How did she know where he lived?).  In a very sweet, and surprisingly chaste moment, the pair simply stand in silence, and hug one another close.  Aria cries silently, her head buried in Ezra’s chest, as he gently strokes her hair.  (And I am sighing, and getting all girly for the SECOND time, since this episode has begun.  What are you doing to ME, Pretty Little Liars?)

Emily, Two Psychos, and a Probable Lesbian = The Most Intense Love Square EVER!

“DUDE!  Ease up on the vulcan death grip, and I MIGHT let you watch me and Maya make grapefruit juice together . . . emphasis on MIGHT.”

Emily’s storyline was by far the most intense of the evening.  It started innocently enough, with more flirtation, touching and sexual innunedo exchanged between her and Miss “I Have a Boyfriend Back Home” Maya.  When her boyfriend, Ben, invites her to a “parent-free” party, Emily nonchalantly asks Maya to come with.  Ben is obviously annoyed by the invitation, but SEEMS to brush it off (emphasis on “seems”). 

To further complicate matters, Emily keeps getting intense looks from Toby Cavanaugh, older brother to the now-blind Jenna.  Toby was shipped off to boarding school the year before, for setting fire to the Cavanaugh garage, which, if you recall . . .

 . . . Ali did, not him. 

Spencer remembers Toby and Ali having a heated conversation, which implied that Ali had some very detrimental dirt on Toby.  After his conversation with Ali, Toby took the rap for setting the garage fire, even though it seems like he knows that it was the girls who did it.  Toby (pictured up top)  is actually kind of cute, in a “Norman Bates from Psycho” sort of way . . .

Come to think of it, Toby WAS hiding near the SHOWERS during this next scene . . . hmmm.

Later, in the girls locker room, after having taken a shower, Emily hears a noise, and is surprised to find her boyfriend, Ben, there.  In a disturbing, and seemingly out-of-character scene, Ben pushes Emily up against the locker and forces himself on her, ignoring her repeated cries of “NO!”

Out of the shower nowhere, Toby Cavanaugh comes and pushes Bad Beater Boyfriend Ben out of the way, clocking him hard in the nose.  A highly freaked out Emily extricates herself from the brawl and escapes, quickly dumping Ben on her way out.   

Later, at the keg party, a newly single, Emily arrives with Maya as her “date.”  The two enter into a photo booth (Riiiiiight!  Because every kid who throws a party when his parents are out of town, takes the time to rent a “photo booth” for the event . . . paid for with his parent’s credit card, of course.)

One thing leads to another, and, before you know it, these two are making out hard core, while the photo machine just snaps away.  While the pair is still inside, SOMEONE snatches the photographic kissing evidence . . . But who could it be?

Later that night, on her way home, Emily finds Creepy Toby Cavanaugh playing with an old-fashioned camera.  She thanks him from saving her from Bad Beater Boyfriend  Ex-Boyfriend Ben.  Toby says little, but is clearly crushing on our girl, Emily.  Later, blind Jenna, who overheard the exchange, DEMANDS that Toby explain why Emily thanked him.  “It’s not what you THINK!”  Toby insists.

Is it though?  The next scene shows a disembodied hand photocopying Emily’s and Maya’s purloined makeout pictures and plastering them all over his or her entire wall.  Could the wall belong to Toby?

Did I mention that “Dead” Ali’s bracelet has mysteriously appeared in the woods, since the last time the girls visited . . . even though Ali was purportedly buried with it?

Ooh!  This is getting good . . .

 

Dr. Bloodsucking Psychopath and Mr. Congeniality – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Miss Mystic Falls”

It’s official.  The Vampire Diaries has become my FAVORITE show of this season!  VD continues to amaze and shock me each week, with its sharp writing, solid acting, and unpredictable plot twists (the latter being kind of a big deal for me, because I tend to predict EVERYTHING!)  Not to mention, the writers of The Vampire Diaries continue to dream up new and inventive ways to show off Paul Wesley’s insanely hot arms and Ian Somerhalder’s insanely hot face!

All right, enough of this gushy stuff!  After all, “Miss Mystic Falls” was probably the LEAST warm and fuzzy episode of the entire season!  When promos for the episode suggested the exposure of Stefan’s dark side, they weren’t kidding!  The heretofore “kindler, gentler” Salvatore wasn’t just dark this week, he was downright terrifying!

Kudos to Paul Wesley for genuinely scaring the stuffing out of me tonight.  This guy made Norman Bates look like Mister Rodgers  . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say, we stop gabbing and BITE into this awesome episode?

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

The opening moments of “Miss Mystic Falls” were filled with awkward exchanges and a generalized sentiment of mistrust.  First there was Vampire Anna . . .

 . . . who visited Damon on the pretense of apologizing for the whole “Stefan getting chained up and tortured, two weeks ago” thing.  But really, the whole purpose of the exchange, I THINK, was to let us viewers know that the writers have decided to scrap the whole Hidey Hole Vampires storyline.  (Good Call, VD!)  Anna explains that MOST of the aforementioned vamps skipped down last week, and therefore, could not have been responsible for the recent “blood bank” robbery that is now rocking Mystic Falls.  Damon sees Anna’s speech as the plot device it clearly is, and refuses to accept her apology. YOU GO, BOY!

Dear BFF Elena,

The good news is, I’m back.  The bad news is, I’ve decided to hate your guts . . .

Hugs and kisses!

Bonnie

Back at school, Bonnie, who has been largely MIA of late, runs into Elena in the parking lot.  These two haven’t seen one another since that time when Elena got Bonnie and her Granny to do that spell to seal up the Hidey Hole Vampire Tomb, the performance of which actually ended up killing Poor Granny.  Oh yeah, and it didn’t even work!  The vampires ended up escaping the tomb, anyway.  Insensitive Elena apparently decided to inform Bonnie of this fact, just days after she had to bury her own grandmother!

“What?  Who WOULDN’T want to know that their favorite relative had to die to further along a failed plotline?”

Given all that, I can’t really blame Bonnie for being icy to Elena, or for hating on the Salvatore brothers for the role they played in Granny’s demise.  I CAN, however, blame her for those weird bangs she was rocking during this episode.  Not cute!  Fortunately, for the girls, Caroline . . .

 . . . interrupts this love fest, to inform Elena that both she and Caroline are part of the Mystic Falls Founder’s Day Court, and are to compete in the “Miss Mystic Falls” pageant this year.  Elena had completely forgotten about the event, having only signed up for it to please her now-dead adoptive Mommy.

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle John . . .

 . . . blackmails Damon.  Telling him that he will expose the Salvatore brothers as vampires UNLESS Damon agrees to help Creepy Uncle John find some weird ” invention” that a vampire stole from his ancestor, back during Civil War times.  Who stole the “invention,” you ask?  Vampire Pearl, of course!

As if poor Damon wasn’t having a crappy enough day, he returns home to find Stefan (despite his claims of being clean) leaning ravenously over an entire freezer, filled with blood stolen from the local blood bank!  Not cool!  Stefan, of course, promises Damon that he has everything “under control.”  However, when Elena calls to ask him to act as her escort for the pageant, he blatantly lies to her about his “drinking” — a very un-Stefan like thing to do.  Later, at school, Stefan comes very close to eating a teen with a bloody knee, and even attacks Alaric . . .

 . . . when the latter accidentally gets in his way.

The Thrill of Almost Touching, The Agony of Almost Eating . . .

Moments before the Mystic Falls pageant is set to begin, Damon, who has become convinced that Stefan’s new addiction will put them all at risk, informs Elena that Stefan is still consuming human blood.  When Stefan arrives on the scene, Elena confronts him about his lies.  Stefan responds by getting all pissy and wall-punchy . . . He then runs away, like a little bitch, leaving Elena to fend for herself during the pageant ceremonies . . .

“So, I’ve been behaving like a TOTAL ASS throughout this entire episode.  So, what?   I still look super sexy with my shirt off.  And NO ONE can take that away from me!”

When it comes time for Elena to be escorted at the pageant, Damon jumps in at the last minute to be her Knight and Shining Vampire.  And even though we all knew that this was going to happen, from watching the previews, I’m quite certain that the entire female VD watching population SQUEALED with joy when he appeared at the end of that staircase. 

Stefan’s bad behavior these past few episodes, has only further illustrated how much of a better match Damon is for Elena.  Need more proof?  Just check out the sultry and longing looks these two give one another during the “first dance” A.K.A “the prey circling, animal mating ritual.”  When Elena performs this “ritual” with Stefan during rehearsals, it seems stiff and awkward.  With Damon, it is PURE SEX!

“What?  Did you think I WASN’T going to find some excuse to include this picture in my recap AGAIN?  You clearly don’t know me at all . . .”

Despite all this sexiness, Elena actually DIDN’T become Miss Mystic Falls.  Caroline did .  . .

 . . . which was nice, because she CLEARLY wanted it so much more than Elena did.  However, it makes me worried for her, because Elena usually beats her at everything. 

Have you ever had someone who was always really nasty to you, and then, all the sudden, they started acting really nice?  So, you figured you must be DYING of some disease you didn’t know about, because that would be the ONLY way to rationally explain this person’s sudden change in behavior?   This is kind of how I think Caroline should feel about the world . . .  Seeing as VD is set to have two additional major deaths prior to the conclusion of Season 1, if I were Caroline, I would be getting myself on that All-Vervain diet, STAT!

Back in Whiny Bitch Land, Hungry Stefan is still brooding over his recent fight with Elena, when he encounters, pageant contestant, Amber, innocently catching some air.  Stefan forcefully drags Amber into the woods with him.  He then compels her to stand still and act blissfully calm, as he describes, emotionlessly, and in graphic detail, his overwhelming desire to rip her neck open and devour her whole .  . . 

Awww!  How Sweet!

 . . . and I’m thinking, “This is Stefan!  He’s not ACTUALLY going to bite her.” 

Stefan then compels Amber to run, and she does.  And I think, “Phew!”

But then . . . Stefan does his fast Running Man Vampire thing, and HE BITES HER!  Not just a little, either.  Stefan bites Amber right on her carotid artery.  You know . . . that part of your neck, which, if it bleeds, makes you . . . like . . . DIE . . . and stuff.  Fortunately, it’s DAMON TO THE RESCUE!

UNFORTUNATELY, Stefan throws Damon INTO A TREE and KNOCKS HIM OUT!  But then Bonnie appears, out of no where, and does that creepy, possessed, eyes-rolled-back in her head thing, she likes to do, every once in a while, on this show.  Suddenly, Stefan gets this really bad headache (from looking at Bonnie’s bad bangs?).  So, he lets go of Amber, in search of some Vampire-Sized Advil . . .

Later that evening, Stefan and Elena fight over his addiction, and Stefan THROWS ELENA AGAINST A WALL!  Elena hugs Stefan, telling him that everything is going to be all right. And, just when I’m thinking I’ve walked in on a “Bad After-School Special About an Abusive Relationships” . . .

 . . .Elena STABS STEFAN IN THE BACK!!!!! 

Then Damon magically appears. 

He helps Elena carry an unconscious, and, slightly evil, Stefan (who, I hate to say it, STILL looks kind of sexy, wearing that now, appropriately-titled, “wife beater”) . . .

 . . . into a sort of “holding pen,” where they will undoubtedly attempt to force him into Human Blood Withdrawal.  (Poor Stefan!  Always tied up or incarcerated, it seems . . . both in the books and on TV).  Damon offers to take Elena home, but she refuses.  In the final moments of the episode, the pair sit together in silence, forced to endure the suffering of the man they both love . . .

In Other News . . .

1) Jeremy reconnected with Anna (and, like Bonnie, got a kind of sucky-looking 90’s era haircut . . )

2) Pearl and Damon teamed up against Creepy Uncle John (hereinafter “CUJ”).  To cement their bond, Pearl handed over to Damon the “invention”  CUJ was looking for.  Surprise, surprise!   It appears to be YET ANOTHER magical piece of jewelry . . . The only difference here, is that no one has any clue what this one is actually supposed to DO!

That’s all for now, VDers!  Tune in next week, when Elena and Damon become overwhelmed with passion for one another and start making out hardcore on the staircase of the Salvatore home. 

OK, OK, I’m lying . . . for NOW . . . but IT’S COMING.  I CAN FEEL IT!