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Heart of Glass – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset”

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Hey Fangbangers!  So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD.  And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls.  You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die  . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).

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Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead.  (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)

So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem.  We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.

Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”

Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one!  Never have I ever died on this show.”

Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”

Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you!  Everyone drink up!”

(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here.  If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)

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Nothing says loving, like a pony pic!

The Clean-up Crew

The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.

Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!

Oh no!  Not another flashback episode.  I always hate those.  Oh wait . .  . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher.  Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey.  And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.

Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?

Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.

This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . . 

Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us.  It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.”  Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.

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Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?”  If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2.  He even chaperoned the school dance!

Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less!  If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.

“I don’t even really like teaching.  But the benefits are unmatched.  And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”

Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show.  I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart?  Now, that’s dedication!

“Popularity is super important to me.  After all, if I didn’t have friends?  Who would I eat?”

But Rebekah’s not alone.  Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too.  Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!

I’m sorry.  That was politically incorrect.  Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”

Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning.  With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . .  . like, for example, “Golly gee!  I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”

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And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours.  I know you really liked him.  It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”

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You know, the usual sort of chitchat . . .

Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers.  And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.”  (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)

Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.

“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric!  What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”

Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake.  Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight.  This is actually kind of erotic . . .

Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”

Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*

Rebekah: “Hey!  No fair!  You can’t just pull it out like that?  What do you think this is,  the rhythm method?”

Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . .  . at least, not in this episode.  She knows when a fight is hers to lose.  And this one has Death Trap written all over it.  So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it.  (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time.  Hope no one was planning on  using it for. . .  like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open?  Poor Caroline!  It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car.  I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement. 

Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*

Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style.  Ouch!  She’s probably going to feel that in the morning.  While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness.  Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch!  The Prom Queen title is MINE!”

“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?

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Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?

Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you!  You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight.  (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them.  NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.

“Snookie and the Situation lied.  Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”

But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan.  Super Villain FAIL!

Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”

“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”

Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green.  (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric!  Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot.  I hope you are proud of yourself.)

If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes,  he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.

Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon.  To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear!  Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.

“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”

(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not.  After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely.  I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you.  I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)

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Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.

“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.

(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires .  . . unless he watches True Blood.)

Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements.  (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan!  You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of:  “Vampires suck.  I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)

“I know . . . it’s just .  . I just finished watching The Notebook again.  And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”

This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life.  Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door.  Surprise!  It’s the other man in her life . . .  some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)

Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later.  This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.

Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side  . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.

And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .

So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead.  The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead.  Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang  . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye.  Next week, it will be Klaus’ again .  . . oh . . . wait .  . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena.  How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)?  Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider.  After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?

And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore.  He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?

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Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub.  Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are.  They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back.  Unacceptable!

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Sorry Rebekah!  Hybrids, for the win.  It looks like you will be leaving this sorry ass, one-bar, town alone . . .

Klaus Mikaelson . . . Worst . . . Paperboy . . . EVER!

Oh Klaus . . . sketcher of smiley ponies . . .

.  . . painter of poop . . .

It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass.  And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy.  “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .

 . . . annnnnd then Klaus died.

Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena.  The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school.  To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people .  . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her.  Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”

“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone?  TV Recapper?  DELETE!”

Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house.  This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally.  And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . .  He throws a temper tantrum.

Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to  . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows?  Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.

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Suddenly, the Original Hybrid is chucking newspapers, soccer balls, pieces of white picket fence . . . anything he can get his hands on  . . .

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 . . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all.  It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!

I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house.  As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this?  Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway.  (Maybe Klaus ate them?)

Or Stefan . . .

Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games.   After all, they all want the same girl, right?  They might as well work together to get her back.

“B*tch PLEASE!”

Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer.  In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag.  “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.

“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.

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Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too.  He’s SO in!

The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it?  More on that, in a little bit . . .

Teacher’s Pet

That Nouveau Ric!  He’s such a sweetie.  Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena.  The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101.  Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.

Oh, Alaric.  You really haven’t thought this one through.  How is she supposed to take notes?

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Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more.  In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic.  But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories.  He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.

In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster.  Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.

“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric!  So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”

But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.

Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .

The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy

Surprise!  At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric.  Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.

The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.

Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby.  And I would have much rather her stayed GONE.  That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house .  . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires.  Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.

Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena).  And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . .  like Abby.

Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died .  . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell!   It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and .  . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny.   In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child.  It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”

Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say.  “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina.  It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.

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Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t.  But hey!  If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.

It’s settled them!  Black magic and veiny face be damned.  Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”

Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

But here’s a question:  what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily,  for the love of one teenage girl.  Do you even have to ask?  It’s Mini Gilbert of course.  (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women.  Life just isn’t fair.)

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Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS.  Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!

Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien?  There’s an app for that!

In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .

Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .

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 . . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.

Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.

But worry not, because hope is not yet lost.  Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.

It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .

The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.

Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals.  So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too.  In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest.  Problem solved  . . .Elena has been saved . . .  again . . . crisis averted, right?

WRONG!

Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!

We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now.  Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him.  So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids?  Apparently, not so much, anymore!  All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.

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But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue.  So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more.  DAMON!  DAMON!  IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!

Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet.  Actually she does answer Klaus’s question.  Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .

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Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact.  Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited.  But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right?  And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?

Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore.  So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend!  Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.

“Now, I’m gay for Damon!  Sorry!”

 And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.

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In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!

Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)

Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy.   This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.

“Need   . . . Botox . . . now.”

Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right?  Apparently not.  Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me.  I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .

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Temporarily Murdering Jeremy > vibrator

Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  EW!  I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).

Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them.  Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan.  It was both sad, and sexy at the same time.  And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.

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Still . . .  eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.

Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!

“Oh Bonnie.  I had the most awful dream.  You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”

But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body.  (Oh honey,  we saw your O-face.  Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)

When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.

The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew

At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her.  But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them.  DAMON!  DAMON! DAMON!

They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.

In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena.  I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS!  I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.

It never happened.  And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.

Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.

Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”

At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”

But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake.  “And hey,” Damon adds.  “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”

Good old Damon.  Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies.  That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?

It’s a CELEBRATION!

It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD.  But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.

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Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice.  But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade!  No sir!

And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls,  Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.”  Now, it’ just a hunch.   But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME!  (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons  . . .)

In more bad news . . .

So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls.  A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender.  Well, this can’t be good . . .

“Don’t call it a nosebleed.  Call it a Blood Mustache.”

That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy.  The doppelganger LIVES!

Source

And I have proof!

Here  . . .

Here . . .

And here . . .

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “By The Light of The Moon”

“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair?  That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”

Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?

(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))

(And that. ;))

Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season.  Let’s recap, shall we?

“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway.  He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline).  Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call.  But THIS CHICK is . . .

As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either.  She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . .  The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break.  But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules.  He has a full night of hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him.  And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .

After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .

Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .

. . .  so he can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting.  Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .

With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society.  While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him.  (Werewolf Fact:  Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.)  When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand.  He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.

As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking.  But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way  . . .

Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear.  But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .

Yeeee haw!  Ride’em cowboy!

However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave.  Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one.  Oh, yeah .  . . Caroline is SO out of there! 

A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way.  Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can.  But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.

She gets the HELL out of there . . . 

The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party.  He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!

“That’s a good boy!  You’re a good boy, Tyler!  Yes you are!  Now roll over and play dead.”

Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again.  (That’s my girl!)  “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.

“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .

(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this.  He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)

(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)

 Team Badass Returns!

How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer?  But . . . before we get to them . . .

Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home.  And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would.  Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only less creepy.

Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.  I just found one.  (Man, I love GOOGLE!)

But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .

Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.”  This involves, making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home  invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . .  THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?)  😉 

Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is.  “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .

But then Alaric calls . . .

. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks.  And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .

Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!

Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason.  They catch up with their mark at . . . where else .  . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.

I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere.  (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)

It’s worth a shot, right?

Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink.  If she chokes, she’s a werewolf.  If not, she’s just a b*tch.  In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style.  (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)

If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire.  At least the experience taught him something useful!  The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.

She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink.  “Tonight is the night of a full moon.  On any other night, our positions are reversed.  But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me.  You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.


“What the f*ck just happened there?”

Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge.  However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”

Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die!  So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors.  Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him.  (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)  It’s Rose .  . .

Awwww, CRAP!

Rose tells her sob story.  She’s scared.  She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Hear that?  That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.

Then, a window breaks.  Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)

It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me.  (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf.  Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy.  Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.)  But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it .  . . ROSE.

I’m liking this Jules character more already!

After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare.  He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise.  But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .

OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh.  But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason).  I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet.  Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger. 

But NOOOOO!  Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?

“Sorry Rose.  It’s not you, it’s me.  You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”

A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode.  I started to NOT MIND ROSE .  . .

I know . . . crazy, right?

This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!

But here’s the thing.  I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO!  GO TEAM DELENA!  We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .

“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”

Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .

Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better screw protect her — if necessary.  (How’s that for self-sacrifice?)  So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right?  Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die.  And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all .  . .

(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)

Dammit!  Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live .  . .  MEAN WRITERS!

Meanwhile . . .

Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone.  For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . . Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .

Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of Grimmores?  Grin Mores?  Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice.  Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone. 

And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah.  Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .

I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .

The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks.  (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!)  But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse?  I’ll give you a hint . . . NO.  (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)

As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans.  And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one.  And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .

Kid, you are SO GROUNDED!  No Sesame Street for you!

Speaking of Elijah . . .

“Hi, I’m Elijah!”

Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna.  I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week.  Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME!  This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.

“He can have his stinky books.  I don’t know how to read, anyway.”

As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true.  You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .

But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.”  In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!)  All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed.  And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together.  If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .

Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon.  I’m just trying to make a point.  OK?  (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)

But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks.  And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp.  (Seriously?  Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week?  Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.)  As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .

Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!

At least, we always have the GIFS!

Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .

(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)

“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”

The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD.  Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine (YES YES YES PLEASE YES)?  Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .

DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN!  You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”

Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner.  After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine.  What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life.  “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less.  “She found ME.”

Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .

Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years.  Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Rats!  Foiled again . . .”

Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah.  Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion.  And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance. 

Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah.  “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .

Then again .  . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love”  . . .

As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul.  “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”

Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”

So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .

In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .

DELENA FANS:  “Rats . . . foiled again.”

Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks.  Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus.  New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th.  While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .

WOAH!  Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us!  Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires.  So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!”  Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again.  And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss? 

SCORE!

Still thirsty for more?  Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW.  Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)

See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Love is a Battlefield – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sacrifice”

Oh, the games we play . . .

No matter which “Ship” you cherish, whether it be Delena (awwwwww yeah!), Kefan, Taroline, Maroline, Jonnie, or Lonnie (heck, there was even some Alarjenna in there, for crying out loud) . . . this episode had something in it to feed your specific desires.  Well . . . except for Stelena fans . . . The Sacrifice kinda sucked for you, didn’t it?

Sorry, Steffy!

And yet, in addition to being about sexual tension and foreplay, The Sacrifice was also about . . . you guessed it . . . sacrifices . . . namely the ways in which we are willing to risk our own lives and happiness for the people we love.  It’s just that . . . well . . . talking about the SEX is WAY more fun!  So, I’m probably going to focus on that part, if that’s all right with you?

Well, what are we waiting for?  LET’S DO IT! 😉

Elena Stalks Warlocks, while Jenna Eats Alaric’s Chunky Monkey

 

Oh, Useless Aunt Jenna, aside from trying to off yourself, THIS might be the most useful thing you’ve done in TWO SEASONS . . .

When the episode opens, Elena is in bed dreaming of Damon (just like I do, every night) when she is awaken by a rustling sound, and the visage of a mysterious being, hovering by her bedroom door.

“My name may be Jonas, and I may be a Brother, but this sure as hell ain’t no Camp Rock!”

Was what she saw real?  Or was it simply part of her dream?  Elena isn’t sure.  Now, if this was the film Inception, she could find out, by just spinning a top . . .

 . . . but it isn’t, so she heads down the hall to investigate.  What Elena finds, shocks her . . .

It’s Alaric, and he’s sporting some some serious wood Chunky Monkey . . .

Useless Aunt Jenna tries to feign embarrassment, over being caught in flagrante, by the teenage girl, over which she is supposed to be “legal guardian.”  And yet, Auntie J can’t seem to wipe the sh*t-eating grin off her face that says, “I TOTALLY HIT THAT!”  (Can you blame her?)

Meanwhile, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother is completely perving out in Elena’s room, stealing her highschool cheerleader pictures, some jewelry, a comb, and quite possibly, some “lady items.”

Elena goes to bed feeling violated.  Little does she know that having seen her sort-of mom get it on, is about to become the least of her problems . . .

Meanwhile, the Brothers Salvatore are making yet another visit to Katherine’s Tomb . . .

“Yep.  We’re Awesome!”

After spending some time “Chatting with the Kat” (This would be a great name for a talk show, by the way.), Damon and Stefan head over to Elena’s house.  When Elena opens the door and sees the brothers, she gets this big puss on her face, that makes me want to punch her a little bit.

  SERIOUSLY?  Would YOU have Puss Face, if THIS was on your doorstep?

What . . . is . . . wrong . . . with . . . this  . . . girl?

Puss Face aside, Elena ultimately invites Damon and Stefan into her home.  (She may be bratty, but is not blind, after all.)  Let the Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensue . . . 

Damon and Stefan explain to Elena their Grand Plan to (1) steal the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb; and (2) use Bonnie’s witchy powers to release the doppelganger damning spell from it — thereby, saving Elena’s life, in the process.  “Yep, we’re awesome,” says Damon, clearly proud of himself. 

Wouldn’t YOU be?

Alas, Wet Blankety Elena is not down with the plan.  She tells the boys that she’s not prepared to risk the lives of everyone she cares about, including the two of them.  Upon hearing Elena admit that she cares for him, Damon perks up instantly . . .

You like me!  You REALLY like me!”

And, if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure I saw him do the Eye Thing, in celebration of Elena’s important declaration . . .

Speaking of Eye F*&king . . .

Screw Condoms — Witches and Warlocks Do It with THEIR MINDS!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Back at school, Bonnie and Luka are hitting on one another / talking about Witch Stuff.  Bonnie gripes that, when she tries to do important spells (like that one where she passed Elena a note, in the last episode), her nose bleeds, and she faints.  This makes her feel like a total LOSER.  Fortunately, Big Bad Warlock, Luka . . .

 . . . he of the incredibly LAME super cool Salt Lifting Powers . . .

 .  . . has a solution to this problem.  It involves Air Sex intermingling the powers of Witch and Warlock.  So, Bonnie and Luka trade necklaces, and close their eyes.  Suddenly, it’s really windy outside, and Bonnie’s breathing all heavy, and making this KILLER O FACE!

The “spell” was so intense that everyone walking within 3 miles of it got an STD!  Then Mini Gilbert shows up, wondering why he suddenly has this intense urge to smoke a cigar . . .

The answer, my friend, is blowing you in the wind . . .

Then Bonnie, who is still clutching Lukas’ balls necklace, receives a text from Damon, who, undoubtedly is wondering why all of Mystic Falls High got screwed by Bonnie’s brain, when all he got from her were a few headaches. 

Busy girl . . . that Bonnie . . .

Elena Cock Blocks Rose – YIPPEE!

This mildly homoerotic picture is for the men that read my TVD recaps .  . . all two of you . . .

When Elena arrives at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and runs into a half-naked Rose, who mistakes her for a pre-sex DAMON, I get kind of pissed off . . .

But, then, I remember that Damon is busy trying to save ELENA’S life.  And, therefore, has NO interest in screwing this vamp floozy again.  That makes me feel much better . . .

Thanks silentwilight tumblr!

As it turns out, Elena has a proposition for Rose, one that DOESN’T involve that Man Stealer getting naked with a certain Hot Vampire she secretly luuuuuuuuves!  You see, Elena has figured out that Slater (who, unbeknownst to Elena, staked himself to death, in the episode prior) has information about Klaus that he might be willing to share with Elena.

“Rose!  Your friend is super hot.  I’d totally be willing to come back from the dead . . . again . . . to see her.”

Since, unlike EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose can give two figs whether Elena lives or dies, Elena figures she can get Rose to take her to the “Vampire Almanac.”  In return for this favor, Elena offers to get Rose a Sunscreen Ring, so that she can finally walk around in daylight, like EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE IN MYSTIC FALLS! 

 VAMPIRE FAIL!

Recognizing that there is little chance of her EVER getting screwed by Damon again (YAY!), Rose reluctantly agrees to help her much more loveable nemesis . . .

However, when Rose and Elena arrive at Slater’s house, they find him . . . sort of indisposed . . .

Oops!

As if on cue, some gothy chick named “Alice,” who looks kind of a like a Poor Man’s Lelee Sobieski, runs out of the closet, in tears . . .

Come on!  Let’s not pretend the writers had any other reason for naming the character, Alice!

Surprisingly, however, “Alice” is actually NOT a vamp.  She’s just a wanna-be, who slutted around with Slater for a bit, in hopes that he would change her into a vampire.  Knowing an opportunity when she sees one, Elena asks “Alice” to help her hack into Slater’s computer, in return for Rose turning her.  Alice agrees, and makes me giggle, by admitting that Lame-O Slater’s computer password was “Kristen Stewart.”

And . . . the annoying Twilight references continue . . .

Having become bored, looking at Vampire Porn on Slater’s laptop, Elena decides to reveal to Alice (and Rose) her real reason for wanting to see Slater.  Elena asks Alice to spread the word in Vamp Town that the Petrova Doppelganger is “alive and ready to surrender” a.k.a commit suicide, to save the rest of the cast of this show from certain death, at the hands of Santa Klaus. 

Realizing that she f*&ked up royally, and basically sucks at life / undeath, Rose immediately phones Damon, so that he can come to Elena’s rescue . . . AGAIN.

Speaking of f*&king up, royally . . .

The Werewolf Diaries

Poor Tyler!  When it comes to supernatural creatures, werewolves certainly seem to have gotten the short end of the fun stick in TVD world, haven’t they?  Think about it .  . . vampires live forever and can control people’s minds.  Witches and warlocks can have mind sex, and give people they are mad at killer migraines.  What do werewolves get, except monthly pain, hairiness, and bad tempers?  In short, being a werewolf is about as much fun as having really bad PMS . . .

After some prodding from Caroline, Tyler agrees to show her his “plan” regarding how to deal with his first wolfy transition, during the upcoming full moon.  He takes his future girlfriend down to the Lockwood Dungeon – the same place Mason chained himself, a few episodes back, and where Caroline’s mom was kept when she temporarily learned that her daughter was a vampire. 

 Truthfully, the Lockwood Dungeon looks more like an S&M Parlor than anything else, with its wide assortment of whips and chains, and deep scratches on the wall . .  .

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  As it turns out, Mason kept . . . you guessed it . . . a DIARY.  (What is it with these Mystic Falls people and their need to chronicle every moment of their lives on paper?  And why the heck are NONE of them blogging?)

Mason’s old diary chronicles every excruciating moment of his first werewolf transformation.  The process, which takes HOURS, by the way (the werewolves in True Blood and Twilight must come with fast-forward buttons) sort of sounds to me like the way new mothers describe the birthing process — except, instead of popping out a baby, these guys just sprout hair out of their backs . . .

As if the written description wasn’t bad enough, Mason conveniently webcammed the horrifying event.  Getting a dark glimpse into his future, as he watches the “movie” with Caroline, causes tears to come to Tyler’s eyes.  “I can’t do that,” exclaims a terrified Tyler.  “Whatever that was.  I can’t go through that.”

Caroline comforts Tyler, by promsing him that he will not have to go through this alone.  In doing so, she takes on the role Stefan did for her, when she first went vamp.  Tyler is clearly appreciative.  However, before things can get too sexually intense for Baby Were and Baby Vamp, the doorbell rings.  And I bet you will never guess who it is . . . (She says, sarcastically.)

IT’S MATT!  And, SURPRISE, he wants Caroline back.  Then, in a moment that probably occurs at least once in EVERY SINGLE TV SERIES, we see Caroline and Matt close to kissing and making up, when . . . suddenly . . . Tyler is at the door too!  So, of course, Matt figures that these two are doing it, which, as we all know, they eventually will be . . .

Nevertheless, it’s nice to see Poor Matt having a potential storyline again.  It’s only taken a season and a half . . .

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Operation Save Elena AGAIN is in full effect . . .

Jonnie Be Good

“Pull my finger.”

Before Damon got Rose’s distress call, he was busy with the rest of the Scooby Gang, plotting the theft of the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb.  Damon hopes Bonnie can use her witchy powers to vampire-proof the tomb, long enough for Stefan and/or Damon to go in, grab the moonstone, and leave, before Katherine can get out.   The assumption is that Katherine, having not fed since the last episode, would be weakened, and, therefore, at a disadvantage. 

“Please!  You think I’d be able to look this good, WITHOUT skipping a few meals?  Starvation is my specialty!”

 Mini Gilbert / Scrappy Doo rationally argues that if he went into the tomb, no spell would be needed, as he is human, and, therefore would not have to worry about being locked inside.

Good boy!  Now roll over and play dead . . .

Damon, however, quickly trashes this idea, calling attention to Mini Gilbert’s youth and general wimpiness.  (I know you Jeremy Fans are TOTALLY giving me the Stink Eye, right now.  But even YOU GUYS have to admit, that, while adorable, Jeremy hasn’t exactly proven himself to be the best physical specimen, when it comes to Vampire Fighting. . . .)

“It’s OK guys . . .  getting choked and beaten up repeatedly is all part of  my Master Plan.”

“Maybe, I can better the plan,” offers Bonnie.  (Well . . . it certainly can’t get much worse than what you have now!)

Bonnie’s “plan” is to burn Katherine’s picture . . .

 . . . along with . . . if I recall . . . a necklace of hers.  By burning these objects, while closing her eyes and mumbling creepy-sounding gibberish, Bonnie can great a dust that will temporarily incapacitate Katherine — thereby, giving the Salvatores more time to enter the tomb.  Unfortunately, while performing the spell, Bonnie gets another one of her famous nosebleeds . . .

This is a sign that, either Bonnie is working too hard, or that she is secretly a Cokehead.  I haven’t decided which.  Either way, the event is significant enough to cause Loverboy Jeremy to become concerned for Bonnie’s safety . . .

Bonnie assures Jeremy that she will be just fine once she gets in contact with her drug dealer.  To prove it, she lets Jeremy smell her breath, and suck on her finger.  (I make fun, but, seriously, the scene was HOT with a capital “H.”   And I say that as someone who is NOT on Team Jonnie.)

While Bonnie is snorting cocaine distracted, Jeremy steals some of her “Magic Dust,” and skips out to Katherine’s tomb, all by his lonesome . . .

Once inside the tomb, a surprisingly resourceful Jeremy shoots a dart of some sort at Kat, and incapacitates her with the coke Magic Dust.  Katherine falls backwards, in a very dramatic, cartoon villain-esque way, allowing Jeremy to run past her into the tomb.  And just in case you didn’t know he was in danger, SCARY MUSIC begins to blast VERY LOUDLY in the background, as Jeremy tries in vain to find the moonstone.  Of course, just when he grabs hold of it, THIS happens . . .

Tastes like chicken!  (Thanks, F-yeah Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

While Jeremy is nursing ONE HELL OF HICKEY, Damon is rushing to Elena’s rescue.  Also, Old Vamp Elijah and Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother are holding hands, and “conjuring” . . .

“You’re skin is so soft, Jonas.  What kind of moisturizer do you use?”

Having groped Jonas for awhile, Elijah now magically knows where Elena is “hiding.”  Hurry, DAMON!

“Get You’re Ass Out that Door, Before I Throw You Over My Shoulder, and Carry You Out!”

Yes, please!  (Thank you Delena’s DestinyTumblr!)

Damon arrives at La Casa de Dead Slater, and he looks PISSED!  He’s so pissed, in fact, that he barely notices “Alice” fawning him like a total fangirl (which, by the way, is EXACTLY how I would act in Damon’s presence).  Damon wastes no time getting up in Elena’s personal space and working his Crazy Eyes on her . . .

Those eyes were made for compellin’, and those lips were made for smoochin’!

Elena tells Damon, in no uncertain terms, that she does NOT want to be saved.  “Get your ass out that door, before I give you the best screw of your ENTIRE LIFE throw you over my shoulder, and carry you out myself,” Damon growls, his voice exuding sex.

Elena moves to slap Damon, as she has done SO many times in the past. (These two like it ROUGH!)  But Damon quickly grabs hold of her, and pulls her in closer.  Their eyes lock, as Elena struggles bodily with a stalwart Damon.  “Damon, let go of me,” she squeals.

Elena tries to wriggle out of Damon’s grasp.  But it’s completely obvious that the harder they fight one another, the more turned on they get.  Suddenly, both of their eyes are closed.  Elena’s neck is tilted upward, as Damon’s lips move closer to hers.  These two are so close to kissing you can almost taste Elena’s Lipsmackers, and the liquor-tinged blood on Damon’s hot breath.  

“Don’t ever do that again,” intones Damon, looking deeply into Elena’s eyes.    (Don’t listen to him, Elena.  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!)

In short, it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

Damon and Elena Mating Dance – Take TWO!

But then Slater’s cronies show up, and Elijah pops in behind them, and kills them like the Extras they clearly are . . .

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . . . Random Vampire Dudes . . .

(At some point during all of this, Rose runs away like the wimpy b*tch, she clearly is . . .)

Sayonara Sucka!  (DE-FTW Tumblr)

Damon then turns his attention to Elijah.  “I killed you.  I thought you were dead,” Damon snarks.

Then, something TOTALLY confusing happens.  Elijah runs away too!

Huh?

Later Big Bad Vamp admits to Jonas, that he realizes that Damon and Stefan would both give up their lives to keep Elena safe.  And, since it is Elijah’s ultimate goal to bring Elena to Klaus, “safe” is exactly how he wants her . . . at least, for now. 

So, in order to ensure Elena’s safety, he spared Damon’s life as well .  . . (I’m still not sure why Elijah didn’t just compel them all to give up Elena . . . but . . . whatever.)

Surprise, Surprise – Katherine’s got a Plan B . . .again

“I RULE!”

When Bonnie and Stefan arrive outside the tomb, they are surprised to find the moonstone, tauntingly tossed outside of it.  Stefan snatches it up, just as Katherine arrives, with her new hostage Jeremy under her arm.  Now, Stefan and Bonnie have the moonstone, but have to open the tomb, anyway, to rescue Jeremy, which is exactly what Katherine wants.  So, a sly Bonnie uses Luka’s necklace to channel his power, as well as hers.  She then begins attempting to open the tomb with her spell . . .

However, since this spell does not involve Mind-F*&king or Playing with Salt, Luka is not much help.  Within a few moments, Warlock Jr. is writhing on the floor of his home in pain . . .

 . . . and Bonnie’s about to pass out (AGAIN) too . . . “I can’t do it.  I’m not strong enough,” whines the Bonster, as she falls to the ground . . .

Bored of playing this game, Katherine strong arms Jeremy, and begins to walk further into the tomb.  In an impetuous moment, Stefan tackles Katherine, freeing Jeremy (which, of course, is exactly what Katherine wanted him to do).  Jeremy dashes to Bonnie’s side, as Stefan finds himself trapped in the tomb with the girl he used to screw, all those years ago . . .

(Thanks again, Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

Back at the Gilbert House, Bonnie and Jeremy tearfully admit to having risked their own lives to save eachother’s.  In addition to being kind of in luuuuuuuve with one another, the pair are also feeling mighty crappy about the ways in which each of their respective dumb acts, resulted in Stefan getting trapped in the tomb, as Katherine’s Sex Slave . . .

Squeeeeee!  I can’t wait until next week!

“Don’t act like this is one-sided,” demands Jeremy, moving in closer to Bonnie for the third time this hour.

Jeremy runs his hand across Bonnie’s cheek.  “You could have died today,” he whispers.

“And you almost did,” cries Bonnie.

The two move in even closer.  They are CENTIMETERS AWAY from one another now.  “I can’t,” says Bonnie inexplicably, before dashing out the door.  OUCH!

Ummm . . . Jeremy . . . I think you may have dropped these . . .

“That right there was the biggest mistake you ever made .  . .”

Awwwwww yeah . . . they’re at it again!

When Elena arrives home, and learns from Jeremy what happened to Stefan, she dashes off to the tomb, with Damon hot on her heels.  Outside the tomb, the pair bicker heatedly, like a married couple, as Stefan listens on sadly, from inside the tomb.  Damon calls out Elena for the stupid risk, she took with her life, by going to Slater’s house.  Elena responds that after all the times that Stefan and Damon have risked their lives to save hers, how could they possibly question, her decision to do the same?  (She’s kind of got a point there, Damon . . .)

In an almost complete mimic of their earlier scene, Damon and Elena begin to bodily struggle with one another again.  “Let go of me,”  Elena yelps, for the second time this hour.

Then, suddenly . . . they stop . . .

“Are you done?”  Damon asks breathily.

“Yes,” mutters Elena.

Elena tries to move away, but Damon blocks her path, moving in for a kiss AGAIN.  And . . . then she leaves . . .

When it’s all over, a saddened Stefan talks to a determined Damon across the tomb’s invisible magic divider.  Damon promises to get Stefan out.  And then Stefan asks for two more favors, which, if you know Kevin Williamson, and you’ve ever watched a little show called Dawson’s Creek, you know are going to result in BIG THINGS for Delena . . . and BAD THINGS for Stelena . . .

Pacey and Joey started out this way too . . .

Stefan asks Damon to (1) keep Elena away from the tomb; and (2) protect Elena, should anything happen to him.  Damon (as one Pacey Witter did YEARS before him) solemnly agrees to both, before exiting stage left.

A very glib Katherine then tells Stefan that he just made the biggest mistake of his life . . .

Dawson Leery agrees . . .

But Damon doesn’t think it’s a mistake at all . . .

See you next week, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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