one-eared alley-cat | TV Recappers Anonymous

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie! You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts: the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No! I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)! I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot! Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap. This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster? Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason! I don’t know. Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?”

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact. Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode. So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off. Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV. (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!)

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?), Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill. And it is SUPER hot! “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!” The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong. I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member. But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing? I think not! After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking. And as for Alcide? Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding.

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone. The gang reluctantly leave the room. Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose. “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this . . .

. . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t. But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend. Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full. Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings. This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion. After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

. . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements. Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers. Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

. . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason). He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time. While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah . . . I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi. This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps. That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

(even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes) . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message: “Russell is coming. Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway. As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home. BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here? Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!” She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . . (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies. And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes. (MAN! I’m jealous! Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend! I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie! That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye. After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that. Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2. She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

. . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier. “I came to see my baby. It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body. When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s. Now we know for sure (sort of).

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis? For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

. . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . .

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens. But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on. “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!” Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm . . . really? Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short. And you look about twelve. Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future. But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy. Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker. Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica. He rejects her affections almost immediately. “You can’t stay here. I can’t look after you, anymore. I’m no good,” Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave. She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts. (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow. I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans. HALF of them are right. Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around. He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves . . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

. . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS. (If you’ve read the books, you already know.) Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill . . .

. . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door. It’s THIS GIRL!

. . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye. Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband. To get away, she needs Jason’s van. But Jason gives her his c*ck instead.

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore. This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right. There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . . I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man. I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself? Lafayette. Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures. She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is. And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus. THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs. The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V. But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored. Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.” That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him. “I’m bored. Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater. “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?” Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

. . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach. When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker . . . his OTHER maker. “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!” TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood. Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

. . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house. While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies. But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie. Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.” Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit. Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie. Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.” No . . . really. Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too.

In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite. As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor. And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.