“If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Can’t Fight Biology”

Well, hello there, Shirtless Jesse Williams!  My, have you “grown” since that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie!  In fact, I’d very much like to travel in YOUR pants.

Ahh, biology.  It’s just not fair.  You see a picture like the one above, and wonder where YOU were, when they were handing out the chiseled arms and insane abs, in Heaven.  I mean, seriously!  Doesn’t it seem like some people have ALL THE LUCK, gene-wise, while others . . . well . . .DON’T?

It kind of reminds me of this old movie I used to watch, when I was a kid .  .  .

This week’s installent of Grey’s, not surprisingly, given the title, was all about doctors and patients trying to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . . “fight biology.”  Let’s see how they did, shall we?

You’ve Gotta Fight, For Your Right to Potty!

So, what do you think Meredith is charging for rent, nowadays?  Given the revolving door of roommates she’s had since Season 1, that girl must be making a FORTUNE!  That being said, do you think she’d let ME move in?  I mean, I’d even be willing to sleep in the attic, next to the Christmas Ornaments, like Lexie . . . or on the roof, or in the shower.

They call it a “Frat House.”  I call it a “Fun House.”  It’s all a matter of how you look at things . . .

Unfortunately, Lexie doesn’t agree.  She wants Jackson and April gone . . . well, mostly April . . . she’s not blind after all.  Granted it does seem a bit unfair that April, who moved in after Lexie (presumably, shortly after The Shooting), gets Izzie’s room, while Lexie is stuck in the attic, with the moth balls.

“Why does April get to be New Izzie?  I am so much more like Izzie than April!  April is a TOTAL George!  She’s even socially awkward and celibate, like he was in early Season 1”

Interestingly enough, however, Lexie’s beef is NOT with the room arrangements, but with April, herself.  “I find her annoying,” gripes Lexie.

‘Really, because I find you, much more annoying,” says Christina, matter-of-factly.  (Awww, I love Old Snarky Christina!  I’ve been missing her a lot lately, especially during all this depressing PTSD-stuff.)

COME BACK, Hilariously Grouchy Robot Surgeon, COME BACK!

Meredith, however, kindly tells Lexie to “suck it up.”  After all, Big Grey has got her own problems to deal with.  And those problems come with a name: HOSTILE UTERUS.

According to the obstetrician Meredith and Derek visit at the beginning of the episode, it was likely the hostility of Meredith’s uterus, and not the trauma of The Shooting, that caused Meredith to miscarry.  Therefore, without proper treatment, she very well may miscarry again.

Ever the ray of sunshine, Derek is not the least bit bothered by this news.  “How would you feel if she called your penis, angry or snide?”  Meredith retorts.

‘Touche!”

Back in Newlywed Land, Owen and Christina are searching for a new apartment, when they come upon an Old Firehouse with which Owen becomes immediatley smitten.

“It has a fire pole.”

“See, honey, you see a ‘Fire Pole,’ I see a ‘Stripper Pole.’  It’s all about how you look at things!”

Meanwhile, over in Lesbi-land, Arizona is getting majorly P O’ed, because Mark keeps nosing his way into her “Happy Time” with Callie.

Arizona’s obvious dislike for Mark puts Callie in a tough position, because he is her Bestie with Benefits.  When Callie questions Arizona about her McSteamy Hate, she explains that he “has abs where his soul should be?”  (And that’s a BAD thing?)

As if being soulless wasn’t awful enough, Mark “like totally stares at Arizona’s boobs, like all the time.”

THE HORROR!

Seattle Grace has a new face . . .

Poor Chief Webber!  It has been only a few days, since he resumed the position of “Chief” at the hospital.   And, already, Seattle Grace is having an Identity Crisis.  Who knew The Shooting would be so bad for morale?  Fortunately El Jefe has some ideas about how to bring Seattle Grace back to Numbero Uno. 

The first is to create a wing for Bariatric (a.k.a. weight loss) Surgery.  But in order to create such a wing, Webber would have to tear down the Dead Denny Memorial Clinic.

“Hell to the NO!  I’m not having that man’s ghost haunting me.  Did you SEE what did to Izzie?  He completely ruined her character.“

Chief Webber’s next idea to save the hospital’s image is a new advertising campaign.

Hmmm .  . . not bad.  But you know what would be even better?

Now THAT is a place I would go to get my appendix removed and my panties!

What Jackson Avery and Vampires have in common . . .

“You WILL finish reading this recap.  And tell all your friends how many shirtless pictures of ME are in it.  I compel YOU!”

Like most of the doctors at Seattle Grace, Jackson hasn’t quite been “himself” since “The Shooting.”  He’s been repeatedly dropping his pants things, making mistakes, answering questions wrong, and making sloppy notes in his attending’s files.

“You just got called a dumb blonde,” sneers Karev, when he and Jackson overhear Teddy griping about the breathtakingly beautiful doctor. 

This gives Jackson an idea . . .

I bet you didn’t know this, but the Grey’s writers Jackson Avery just so happens to be a BIG fan of vampire television shows, like True Blood and The Vampire Diaries.  And, if you’ve ever watched those shows (and you should, because they are AWESOME), you know that just about once every episode, there’s a scene, where the beautiful vampire will stare directly into the unwitting victim’s eyes, and MAKE him or her do whatever the vampire says.

Well, Jackson may not be a vampire at least, that we know of, but he sure is beautiful enough to be one!  So, he decides to try to mind control Teddy into giving him surgeries.  And  IT WORKS . . .

 . . . at least for about 3 /4ths of the episode.   Teddy gets wise to Jackson’s evil vampire tricks, when she finds him partially nude in the locker room at work . . . obviously, waiting for her to find him like that.

Teddy is TOTALLY turned on PISSED!  She starts peppering Jackson with surgical questions.  And when he answers them correctly, she REALLY lets him have it!  (But not in the way, any of us, were secretly hoping she would 😉 ).

“You are more than the pretty face you make yourself out to be,” Teddy lectures.

She goes on to tell Jackson that, while flubbing up during rounds is not a fireable offense, flirting in the OR IS,which means this WHOLE CAST should have been canned a LONG TIME AGO.  “Put your shirt on, and scrub in,” she seethes, before stalking off.

Teddy is officially my hero  . . . except for the part where she told Jackson to put on his shirt.  That sucked.

“Men Don’t Discriminate, When It Comes To Jugs”

“And women don’t discriminate when it comes to &*^s.”

Speaking of objectification of the human body, throughout the episode, Arizona continues to avoid Mark like the plague — throwing out her best B*tch Face, whenever he tries to talk to Callie in front of her.  This isn’t surprising.  What is surprising, is who ends up putting a stop to it . . . THIS GUY!

Alex explains to Arizona that Mark saved Karev’s life during The Shooting.  he did this, even though, at the time, Karev was sleeping with his girl.  “That doesn’t sound like someone without a soul, does it?”

“So, what if he stares at your boobs?”  Karev continues.  “They’re good boobs.  I stare at them.  Sure, maybe they are lesbian boobs.   But guys don’t discriminate when it comes to boobs.  You should be nice to him, because you love her.”

And so, that was how Arizona came to ask Mark out on a date.  I smell a threesome . . .

Men DO discriminate when it comes to legs . . .

Speaking of Alex, telling Arizona that she had nice boobs wasn’t the only nice thing he did this episode.  (TWO nice things in one hour?  Surely, this has to be some kind of a Karev Record.)  It all started when Alex was doing his Pediatric Rotation with Arizona.  One of the patients he met there, was a young male ballet phenom, who was suffering from bone cancer.

In order to prevent the cancer from spreading, normal medical procedure would suggest that he would need to have his leg amputated.  The young ballet dancer was inconsolate over this suggestion.  Even if he was given the best prosthetic leg that money could buy, he would never be able to dance again.  To prove his point, the ballet dancer performs for Alex and the other doctors, right there in the hospital room.

The dance was touching.  But was even more touching was the boy’s big manly beefcake of a dad’s excited and super proud reaction to it.  Coolest . . . Patient’s  . . . Dad  . . . EVER!  I got teary just watching him.

Alex was affected by the performance too, which was why he HAD to find a way to rescue the dancer’s leg.  Enter April . . .

She of the Energizer Virginity (It keeps going . . . and going), and the Chore Wheels, and the Squeaky Voice.  It is SHE who recalls reading an article about a cadaver bone, which was used as a replacement for a cancerous human bone.  Alex is so overjoyed, he even gives April his fries!

Lexie is PISSED!

Maybe April is the New Izzie, after all . . . 😉

Although they don’t have a cadaver bone, Alex and Co. are able to remove the dancer’s leg bone, clean the cancer out of it, and reinstert it back inside the dancer.  So, the dancer will be able to dance again.  And everybody lives happily ever after . . .

Except Lexie . . .

You see, Girlfriend, has a BAD case of the Green Eyed Monster.  And everytime, she sees Meredith and the rest of the crew paling around with April, you can almost see the little tufts of steam rising out of her ears.

And when Lexie finds out that Meredith told April about her trip to the obstetrician and not her, she EXPLODES!  In fact, she’s pretty sure she’s going nuts, like that crazy lady from Six Feet Under, who drove her car into a laundromat, because her ex husband was in there, washing his new girlfriend’s “delicates.”

WOW, someone REALLY doesn’t like granny panties . . .

Fortunately, Meredith is able to calm Lexie down, by convincing her little sister that “you’re not crazy, you’re a Grey” (i.e. YOU’RE REALLY CRAZY!)

Ultimately, Lexie apologizes to April for being a total BIATCH to her for the past hour.  The pair even manage to reach some sort of a truce, as long as April doesn’t do anything crazy . . . like put up a Chore Wheel in the Meredith Grey Frat House of Love . . .

The part where patients’ suffer, so Meredith and Christina can work out their personal issues . . .

Who needs therapy, when you have a whole hospital full of patients, chock with “life lessons” right at your fingertips?  Christina’s life lesson comes from that lawyer with Aspergers from Boston Legal.  Only, now he is a professor, who eats worms.

*sings*  “Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  I guess I’ll have to go eat WORMS!”

Apparently, the Professor was eating these worms, as part of his research toward finding a cure for asthma.  Ummm . . . eating worms . . . for asthma?  That kind of reminds me of those pharmaceutical commercials that sell medicine for Restless Leg Syndrome.  You know, the ones where the side effects are dry mouth, stroke, heart attack, loss of limbs, and BRUTAL PAINFUL DEATH?

But the Professor, man, he LOVES HIS WORMS!  He loves them so much, in fact, that he would rather risk his own life, than have a vital surgery, because said surgery might kill the worms!  Eventually, however, the Professor finds himself completely out of options.  Worms be damned.  Surgery is a MUST.  So, the Professor pleads with Christina to save the worms.  “When you love something, you will do anything for it,” he says.

Unfortunately, Christina is unable to save the Professor’s precious worms following surgery.

Wow, I can’t believe this show actually has the power to make me cry over DEAD WORMS! Way to go, Grey’s!

But her talk with the Professor, convinced her to return to surgery, FINALLY reminded her of how much she loves Owen.   In fact, she loves him so much, that she got him the apartment with the stripper fire pole!

YIPPEE!

For Meredith’s part, she meets a patient, who is just starting to show signs of Huntington’s disease.  However, rather than spend her last few “normal” months going to doctors and getting tests, she decides to take a trip to Brazil, and do lots of fun slutty things with Hot Sexy Latino Men.

MY KINDA LADY!

This gets Meredith to thinking about her mother’s struggles with early onset Alzheimers, and whether she too has the gene.  Meredith decides to let Christina take her blood and test her for it.  However, while the results are sitting at the lab, Meredith tells Derek what she has done, and he feels differently about it than she does.

Derek doesn’t want he and Meredith to spend the rest of their sort-of young lives fearing the inevitable.  He wants to have LOTS OF SEX (yay!), and work, and drink, and do all those other things we typically associate with “normal” life.  “Let’s just live,” concludes Derek.

Do YOU agree with him?

[www.juliekushner.com]

You’re not a weirdo, you’re “special!” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Superfreak”

Who doesn’t like to start their day with a good old-fashioned threesome?

“You’re not a weirdo.  You’re special.”

“He’s not dumb.  He’s special.”

“She’s not ugly.  She’s just special.”

“They are doing bizarre things, because they are special.”

The above lines were frequently uttered in my childhood home, whenever I would make a derogatory or insensitive comment about someone or something that I found dissatisfactorily different.  I presume these responses were intended to make grow into a more open-minded tolerant adult.  And, eventually, I guess they did.  Initially, however, their only effect was to make me subconsciously despise the word “special.”

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was all about the things that make us “special.”  So, without further adieu, let’s let our Freak Flags fly, and take a look back at this “very special” episode.

“I’m Not G.I. Jane.  I’m Attachment Barbie!”

Before I begin, please enjoy this pictoral representation of the above statement.

=

but . . .

Poor Dr. Teddy! FINALLY, she had found herself a Hot and Smart Boyfriend . . .

 . . . who wasn’t hung up on another girl . . . ahem . . .

 . . .  ahem . . .

. . . He even provided her with FREE THERAPY!

OK . . . mostly just Sex Therapy, but still . . .

Then, just when she’s really starting to like him, HE LEAVES!

Leaves?  To go where?  I mean, I understand that Dr. Perkins is a recurring guest star “Trauma Specialist,” who was only hired to help the doctors at Seattle Grace transition back into performing surgeries, following the shooting.  But where does he live?  Timbuktu? 

 Do you mean to tell me that there are NO “Trauma Specialists” practicing in the entire West Coast?  Somehow, I find that very hard to believe .  . .  I mean, California alone is filled with enough “special” “traumatized” folks to keep doctors like Andrew Perkins busy for YEARS!

So, WHAT if he doesn’t work in the hospital anymore?  Can’t ANYBODY on this show sustain a healthy relationship with someone who has found *gasp* employment elsewhere?  Haven’t these people ever heard of the phrase “don’t poo, where you eat?”

(OK . . . I’m done ranting now.  I apologize.  I guess Teddy wasn’t the only one who got “attached” to Doctor Perkins.)

Anyway . . . at the end of the episode the soon-to-be absent Dr. Andrew, more or less, diagnoses Teddy as being “Relationship Retarded,” and chronically self-sabotaging regarding the men to whom she finds herself attracted.  Awwwww, how romantic!

“You had me at ‘Retarded!'”

“You Stink . . .”

“. . . but, hey, at least you’re hot!”

Lately, it  seems as though the men of Seattle Grace have been having issues with “personal hygiene.”  Last week, Derek Shepard arrived at work smelling like pee . . .

This week, Alex . . .

. . . wandered the hospital halls, reeking like Smelly Gym Socks . . .

You see, Alex smelled bad, because he was sweaty.  And he was sweaty, because he was using Seattle Grace as his personal gym — running up and down its stairwell, like Rocky . . .

And he was running the stairs like Rocky, because he was afraid of elevators.  And he was afraid of elevators, because he just saw that AWFUL M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie where the Devil hung out in one he almost bled to death in one.

Of course, only one man was smart enough to put all of this together, and figure out Alex’s Deep Dark Secret, THIS GUY . . .

Chief Webber – The Stink Detective

After solving the horrible Smell Crime, Chief Webber decided to “cure” Alex, by making him ride the elevators with him over and over, again, up and down, until he was “not scared, just bored.” 

Yes, Average American Citizen, when you are shelling out thousands of bucks a year to the healthcare industry, THIS is what you are paying for, Rich Surgeons riding elevators, over and over again, until they get “bored” . . .

 

It just warms my heart to know that my money is being spent to help “those in need” . . .

Lesson of the Day . . .

When trying to get unwelcome visitors to leave your apartment . . .

 .  . . just have Crazy Dirty Sex right in front of them  . . .

PicSpam provided by http://fuckyeahcallieandarizona.tumblr.com/

 (Then again, that might actually make them stay LONGER . . .).

Yeah, I’m sorry Callie and Arizona.  Once again, you had a lame and insignificant storyline this week.  But hey, isn’t Wild and Crazy PDA in front of the Mr. and Mrs. PTSD better than fighting over paint swatches?

Yeah, I thought so too . . .

If at first you don’t succeed, screw someone else . . .

When you work at Seattle Grace, a lot can happen in a single hour.  One minute you can be stalking pining over the Girl of Your Dreams . . .

The next you can be boning your best friend’s REALLY ANNOYING baby sister . . .

. . . while the Girl of Your Dreams (who was probably about to tell you that she still loves you) watches . . .

 . . . all because some patient’s wife told you that “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

(Ummm . . . Mark . . . just because it’s the title of an 80’s song, doesn’t make it Good Advice . . .)

So About that Patient . . .

There are a lot of things I could have said / jokes I could have made about this week’s Medical Marvel of the Week — a man with a rare form of HPV that caused his entire body to be covered with warts, giving him what looked like trees for hands. 

(Needless to say, if someone in the Grey’s Anatomy makeup department ever wanted to get into doing horror films after Grey’s went off the air, this would be the picture on the top page of the portfolio).

However, kinder, gentler, friends of mine warned me that HPV is a very REAL disease, and that making such jokes would be inappropriate . . .

So, to make a long story short.  He looked gross.  He made Lexie gag.  A spider randomly crawled out of his arm during surgery.  It made the apparently arachniphobic Bailey scream like a little girl.  They couldn’t fix him.  His wife left his ass.  So much for a happy ending . . .

And that “Other” Patient . . .

Through the course of this show, our Seattle Grace residents have dealt with men who swallowed Barbie heads, insane psycho killers, people who have sex with ghosts, someone with a 10-foot pole up his spine, and, most recently, a real life Tree Man.  Taking all that into consideration, it was a bit unbelievable that these same people would be so shocked, appalled, and freaked out by something as mundane and dull as a 27-year old virgin.

You know who shocked me MORE?  Her fiance!  And no, it’s not just because the actor who played him, Omar Gooding . . .

. . . just so happens to be the little brother of a MAJORLY FAMOUS actor with the same last name . . .

. . . or because he used to be on this very random show I used to watch on Nickelodeon when I was a kid . . .

 . . . I’m talking about the fact that the character was NOT a virgin, and yet, was willing to abstain from sex for TWO WHOLE YEARS . . .

. . . all because his girlfriend wanted to wait until marriage.  I mean, THAT’S GOTTA qualify you for Sainthood or something, right?

In fact, it was this guy’s superhuman fortitude, and NOT his fiance’s virgin status, that made me cringe, when I found out what was “wrong” with the girl in question. 

Fellow TV Watchers, have you ever noticed on television that, right before a character learns something from another character that’s going to DEMORALIZE his or her significant other, the character receiving the information always says “Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my [signficant other].”

I’m sorry, but that has to be the STUPIDEST thing to say EVER!  Word to the wise, secret keepers, when someone tells you they’d like to tell you something in private, DO IT!  Don’t try to be a hero!  If you do, you may just end up without a sidekick . . .

As it turns out, the “virginal” soon-to-be bride was experiencing medical complications, as a result of . . . swallowing a condom.

Well, understandably, hearing this made Mr. I Haven’t Had Sex in Two Years to Appease My Virginal Girlfriend’s blue balls EXPLODE!

However, in hindsight, he needn’t have gotten so riled up.  After all, his fiance had only swallowed the condom, while attempting to practice the fine art of giving him oral sex putting on a condom with her teeth . . .

OPEN WIDE!

Just a word to the wise Bride-to-Be, on your BIG Wedding Night, USE YOUR HANDS!

As it turns out, Bride-to-Be isn’t the only late twenty-something virgin in Seattle, Dr. April is one too . . .

 . . . and when the residents find out about it, at one of their late night alcoholic functions . . .

 . . . they give poor April a really hard time about it . . .

“Ummmm . . . April, if you ever need someone to ‘Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before,’ I am totally your guy . . . Would it help you to know that I just showered?”

April stands up for herself.  And in one of those Slightly Overdramatic Character Exposition Monologues that Grey’s has become so known for over the past five years, the 28-year old virgin proceeds to tell all of the show’s main characters what’s wrong with EACH OF THEM!

Clearly impressed, Meredith tells April that she is “liking [her] more and more.”

Are YOU?

“You are flaming out . . . It is NOT OK.”

Christina Yang is contemplating a serious career change, one that involves poo and plungers . . .

Talk about a “Game Changer.”  Christina Yang is definitely the last character we would expect to see like this.  When we see her this week, she is needy, vulnerable, and unable to sleep alone.  But more disturbing, is her new apathy toward toward medicine in general, and surgery, specifically.

It is very hard to watch this “New Christina,” who has been put on Derek’s rotation, but only because he demanded it (“If she goes, I go!”  He said to the rest of the board.)  She continually feigns lack of knowledge of surgical procedures, and when she does get inside the OR, she freezes AGAIN!

“Would you still love me, if I wasn’t a surgeon?”  Christina asks Owen, in one of their sweet little cuddle sessions we’ve come to expect from this season.  (These two are the NEW Meredith and Derek, it seems).

“HELL NO, BITCH!  I would love you if you were a plumber . . .

 . . . but would YOU love you if you weren’t a surgeon?”  Owen replies.

“I don’t know . . . maybe,” Christina answer’s dolefully.

Toward the end of the episode, Derek commandeers her in an empty OR.  “You are flaming out,  And as someone who cares about you, it is not OK,” he tells her.

Derek admits to Christina that she is not someone he initially would have chosen as a friend mainly because she can be such a heinous bitch, sometimes.  And yet, here she is — his wife’s best friend / Twisted Sister, the woman who saved his life.  She is like family. 

And so, Derek stays with Christina.  He guides her through the surgical procedure she conducted on him on the fateful day that changed both of their lives forever.  She performs the surgery again . . . this time on a dummy.

It’s depressing . . . but oddly poignant.

Speaking of Twisted Sisters . . .

I know all you Private Practice fans out there ADORE Amelia Shepherd, but BOY did she bug me!  And no, it wasnt just because she unwittingly ruined Mark and Lexie’s chance at happiness.  Nor was it because her definition of love was bringing Derek a Tumor Patient she banged on the airplane on the way over . . .

No.  She bugged me because she was ANNOYING, and INSENSITIVE.  She said mean things about Christina, like that she was a “learning disabled” “dud.”  And she somehow managed to make the trauma Derek suffered as a result of the shooting ALL ABOUT HER!

“Why didn’t you call me?  Why didn’t you tell me?  Why haven’t you visited me?  MEMEMEMEMEMEME?”

So, I wasn’t so mad at Derek for being a total Ass to her, despite her having traveled ALL THE WAY FROM PRIVATE PRACTICE to see him.  And yet, I was touched by Derek’s little speech, about always wanting to protect his baby sister from harm.  Apparently, Derek has felt that way, ever since the night when his father was shot, right before his and Amelia’s eyes.  Amelia was only five at the time.

For Derek to tell Amelia about his being shot, would be to admit to his baby sister that the world is a dark and unforgiving place.  And, even though Amelia is clearly an adult now, Derek still isn’t quite ready to do that just yet . . .

So, I guess it ended up being all about HER, after all . . .

So, there you have it fellow Greysies!  Another episode bites the dust.  Next stop, SHIRTLESS AVERY!

*Sigh*  Is it next week yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

10 Things I Learned from Watching Grey’s Anatomy’s “Shock to the System”

“Is this going to be on the exam?”

I suspect that there are many of you out there who only watch Grey’s Anatomy for the “mushy-gushy relationship stuff” .  . .

 . . . the bizarro plotlines involving psycho serial killers . . .

 . . . the hot hallucinatory Ghost Sex . . .

. . . and the abundance of Sexy Shirtless Men . . .

(NEWS FLASH:  Nearly Naked Dr. Avery!  Coming Soon to a TV Near You, October 14th!  Never has the invention of HDTV been more appreciated . . .)

And while all of the above are perfectly valid reasons to watch this long-running show, what many fans fail to realize, is that Grey’s Anatomy is also a treasure trove of life lessons for us all!

So, without further adieu, let’s look back at the lessons we learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, “Shock to the System.”

1)  If you wish to fake an emotional breakthrough with your shrink, so that he will clear you to return to work (or, at least, trade those LAME anti-depressants he currently has you on, for the AWESOME uppers you’ve been eyeing since you started therapy), bad mascara and crumbly tissues are not enough . . .

Particularly if, even after crying, you still look like you belong in a Banana Republic magazine advertisement . . .

Drastic times call for drastic measures.  And in this situation, Ugly Cry Face is required.  Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Then again, if your name is “Meredith Grey,” and you are on a show called GREY’S Anatomy, you’ll be back at work after two episodes, anyway.  So, you might not even need to resort to this . . .

2) Those who lie down with criminals  . . .

 . . . wake up smelling like pee . . .

(and sometimes unwittingly attract new boyfriends named “Vito.”)

3) It may come as a shock to you, but there are some TV Watchers and (patients at Seattle Grace) . . .

 . . . who stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy after the third season.

Shocking . . . yes . . . but entirely plausible.  As a result of their Grey’s -watching negligence, these individuals may truly believe that Christina Yang is still involved with Dr. Preston Burke . . .

 . . . and that Isaiah Washington was never fired from the show . . .

“Well, THAT was awkward!”

While we are on the subject, here are some other aspects of the show about which these erstwhile Grey’s fans might be confused:

“Who are half these people?”

“Where the heck are George and Izzie?”

 

“So, Callie is a lesbian, now?”

4) When trying to convince your colleagues that you aren’t Bat Sh*t Crazy . . .

 . . . screaming at them “That’s ME, I’m the CRAZY ONE!” and running around the hospital muttering loudly to yourself, “She never saw it coming!  She never saw it coming!”  OMG!  She never saw it coming!” will probably not help your cause. 

Oh . . . and while we are at it . . . just because one of your patients is crying . . .

 . . . doesn’t mean it has to do with YOU and YOUR PROBLEMS.  Strange as it may seem, THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!!

Regardless, of what HE might lead you to believe . . .

5) If you play a lesbian couple on a show that predominately caters to straight females . . .

. . . the best you can hope for in a storyline is some comic relief-esque banter involving room decoration and paint swatches.

Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

6) If Miranda Bailey is touching your boobies, in the middle of a hospital hallway .  . .

 . . . your secrets WILL come out . . .

. . . even if she has to wrench them from your body with a pair of barely sterilized tweezers!

7) When THIS GUY says you are not ready to do surgeries . . .

 . . . you are NOT READY TO DO SURGERIES!

No “ifs” “ands” or “buts” about it, MISSY!

8 ) Are you single?  Feeling lonely?  Unappreciated by the men (or women) in your life?

Worry not!  Getting the objects of your desire to notice you is EASY!

Just get STRUCK BY LIGHTENING, along with all the men of your dreams!

You’ll be beating them off with a stick in NO TIME!  (No really . . . you’ll probably end up wanting to physically beat them.)

9) If your boyfriend is a shrink, and most of your dates are spent with you just talking, and him just “listening” . . .

 . . .  you’re not in a “relationship,” you’re in “therapy.”  Then again, with healthcare plans being what they are today, WHO CARES? 

But, if he ever sends you a bill for his “services,” it’s probably time for you two to have “the talk.”  (The phrase “quid pro quo” might come in handy . . . just saying.)

And finally . . .

10) If you lost your husband’s baby during a tragic accident . . .

 . . . and haven’t told him yet, just bite the bullet and DO IT!

If he’s anything like Dr. McDreamy, he’ll be totally cool with it!  And if he’s not . . . well . . . you wouldn’t want his Ugly Ass Baby, ANYWAY!

So, there you have it —  Ten Lessons learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy.  Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

You did WHAT???!!!- A Recap of the Grey’s Anatomy Season Premiere “With You I’m Born Again”

Can you believe that Grey’s Anatomy kicked off its SEVENTH SEASON this week?  That means the show is almost SIX YEARS OLD?  That’s not a Baby Show anymore.  It’s a BIG KID Show.  It’s a friggin FIRST GRADER!  And as for those of you who, like me, have watched Grey’s since its inception . . . seriously . . . how OLD are you feeling right NOW?

“I remember back when this show started, I still had all my REAL teeth!”

A lot can change in six years.  And, as fans of Grey’s Anatomy, it’s highly likely that WE have personally experienced many changes, ourselves, both in our personal and professional lifes, since the show began.  But while gradual change is commonplace, throughout the course of a human lifetime, nothing brings about quick, groundbreaking, whirlwind change, like the experience of personal trauma.  And nothing says “personal trauma” like the mass murder of your friends and colleagues by a GUN-TOTING, CRAZED, LUNATIC!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a quick look at the ways in which our favorite Seattle Grace pals have changed, since we last saw them . . .

 GO SPEED RACER! GO!

It seems that the experience of getting stalked by a Wackjob, having been the indirect cause of 18 deaths, and being shot and nearly killed, himself, has given Seattle Grace’s McDreamiest surgeon a NEED FOR SPEED . . .

(Just not Speed, like in the Keanu Reeves movie . . . because I sincerely doubt Seattle’s “greatest surgeon” would ever deign to ride a BUS.)

When the episode first opens, Meredith has to go bail Derek out of the Pokey, following his recent tango with the law.  The crime?  Reckless Endangerment — a criminal charge that almost was, but wasn’t, filed, because the Seattle Cops “worship” McDreamy (a.k.a. have big juicy Man Crushes on him).

Who DOESN’T?

All, I’ve gotta say, is that it is a darn good thing Post-It Wifey, Meredith, bails Derek out when she does.  Because, from the looks of it, our favorite surgeon was looking like a pretty strong contender for a rousing prison game of “Who dropped the soap?”

It’s a contact sport.

Still smelling of “Jailhouse Rock,” Derek, who is scheduled to return to work as Chief of Staff that day, heads directly to his favorite speech-giving location (The Stairwell of Power), and . . .

. . . QUITS HIS JOB AS CHIEF . . .

. . .  thereby passing the “Chief-ly” baton back to THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Old / New Chief Webber, who responded to the news by  .  . . going into his new office, and reenacting scenes from the film, Boogie Nights.

I know some fans took McDreamy’s decision to relinquish his chiefly duties as a sign of this “Toxic Impulsivity” he’s contracted since the shooting.  However, for the most part, I think his decision was a sound one.  As a surgeon, Derek is AWESOME!  As a chief .  . . not so much.  

While acting as Chief last season, Derek seemed much less like the McDreamy we had grown to love for five years, and much more like . . . McPoopyhead.

Besides, Derek simply didn’t have TIME to be Chief, not with his upcoming Crazy Insano Surgery of the Week — a surgery that I will lovingly refer to as the “Face Off.”

Yes, boys and girls!  Under the guise of removing a massive inoperable brain tumor  (Aren’t they ALWAYS massive and inoperable when Derek is involved?  Has this guy EVER operated on something “operable?”), Derek, along with his stalwart crew, literally REMOVES SOME TEENAGER’S FACE, by CUTTING IT STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.  And it is gross . . .  Fortunately, we don’t have to sit through too much of it, however. 

Because, after six seasons, I think our Grey’s writers have FINALLY learned what us fans have known since Season 1.  Namely, if we wanted to watch medical mysteries, we’d turn on House.  But we don’t.  We watch Grey’s for the hot men, the funny one-liners, and the juicy sex scenes.  And though it was, admittedly, a bit light on the “sex” for my taste, what we wanted was, more or less, what we got, in this Season Premiere.

Speaking of sex, after successfully performing the “Face Off,”  Derek, still reeking of blood and guts, was suddenly SUPER HORNY.  And so, he accosted Post-It Wife Meredith in the on-call room, and prepared to “Do the Deed.”  “Let’s make babies like the one you miscarried last season, but forgot to tell me about, ” whispered Derek in Meredith’s ear, as he feverishly removed his scrubs, and proceeded on to Grope Fest 2010.

Then his beeper went off . . .

“Seriously, BEEPER!  Are you effing kidding me?”

Apparently, Face Off Boy was in pain . . . Because, having your face sawed in half?  Kind of painful.  No . . . scratch that.  VERY PAINFUL.  And yet, after a few kind words from Derek, Face Off Boy is just fine . . .

 

That’s OK, Monkey.  I didn’t buy it either.   Apparently, Derek has become some kind of Super Hero, since last season.

After stopping Face Off Boy’s Excruciating Pain in under a minute, off dashes our Super Hero to save a woman from a burning building drive 125 mph in a 50 mph zone, en route to a wedding where he is supposed to be Best Man (more on that later).  Except, this time, when Derek gets arrested for Reckless Endangerment, Meredith LEAVES HIS ASS IN JAIL, and goes to the wedding, BY HERSELF!

It looks like Derek’s new prison friends are going to get a chance to play “Who dropped the soap?” with him after all!

Just a little going away present for our favorite Doctor, locked away in the Big Dog House.  You never know when such things might come in handy . . .

Still Dark and Twisty, after ALL THESE YEARS . . .

While Derek was busy speeding the streets, quitting his job, cutting peoples’ faces off, being a Super Hero, and hiding the soap, Meredith was  . . . well . . . she wasn’t doing much of anything actually, because Dr. Andrew Perkins . . .

a.k.a. McSexyShrinko

 . . . had not yet cleared her to perform surgery.  McSexyShrinko felt that Meredith had still not properly owned up to her inner demons, following The Shooting.  And one of those demons (though McSexyShrinko couldn’t have possibly known this, because she didn’t tell him), was the pregancy and subsequent miscarriage Meredith endured, during the traumatic event.

An “awkward position” to be in.

Believing that Derek has been through too much in recent months to cope with the loss of a baby as well, Meredith has borne the pain and burden of this secret, on her own skinny shoulders.  And, though she would never admit to it, it is obviously eating her up inside.

Yet, with all she is going through, Meredith finds it in her heart, to be there for her best friend, Christina, during the latter’s time of need.  Despite her initial misgivings about their relationship, and her belief that the pair was jumping into marriage so soon after The Shooting, Meredith ultimately gives Christina away at her wedding to Owen.  And when Christina nervously asks her best friend, if Owen is OK, prior to the wedding, Our Plucky Protagonist sweetly replies, “He’s perfect.  He is just perfect.”

And if a statement like that coming from an Avowed Cynic, like Meredith, doesn’t warm your heart, I don’t know what will!

Speaking of Christina . . .

Here Comes the Bride .  . . All Dressed in  . . . RED?

Aside from the fact that she is getting married to the guy we just saw her BREAK UP WITH at the end of last season, because she believed him to be “just not that into [her],” and more into SOMEONE ELSE . . .

. . . the main differences we notice in Christina, during the Season Premiere, are that she (1) doesn’t seem to care AT ALL that she, like Meredith, hasn’t yet been cleared for surgery; and (2) spends almost the entire episode READING BRIDAL MAGAZINES.

Later, in a groundbreaking session with Dr. Perkins, we learn that Christina is focusing on these magazines, in an effort to force herself into the proverbial box in her head that she has labeled: “The Simple Girl.” 

“I went to school with women like this,” notes Christina, “Women who only wanted to marry the guy, and wear the pretty dress.  I used to pity them.  But I’ve realized that, in life, you can either be a Simple Girl, or you can be  . . . Me.  But Simple Girls are never forced to perform surgeries with guns to their heads.”

We are instantly flashed back to an evening a few months’ prior, when Owen arrives at Christina’s home, to find her frantic, panic-stricken, and unusually vulnerable.  “You’re late,” she insists.

 “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” says Christina tearfully, as Owen scoots next to her on the couch, and tries in vain to comfort her.

“You don’t have to be alone ever again.  Let me stay,” offers Owen.

And then he does this . . .

It’s a simple and sweet moment.  One that truly reflects these two characters and the often silent connection they have with one another.  Sure, “not wanting to be alone” isn’t the healthiest reason to marry someone.  But I’ve certainly heard worse .  . .

And the wedding?  Well, it was pretty awesome.  From the adoring way, Owen looked at Christina . . .

“Please lord, don’t let me end up like that Dr. Burke guy.  It’s HARD to get a job in Hollywood as a redhead!”

“Be afraid Ginger Boy!  Be VERY afraid!”

 . . .to Christina’s red dress (because white dresses are “offensive and vaguely racist,” according to Christina)

 . . . to how touched the couple’s colleagues were by the moment . . .

 . . . everything was, as Meredith said, perfect.

Sure, it’s a long shot.  It’s ALWAYS a long shot.  But, who’s to say these two Crazy Kids won’t be able to stick it out for the long haul?

Oh . . . and just in case you were concerned?  Owen and Teddy are TOTALLY DUNZO.  And Teddy has (rather conveniently, I might add) found a NEW MAN.  Actually, I think you might know him . . .

It’s Dr. McSexyShrinko!

Speaking of couples that are TOTALLY DUNZO . . .

The Opposite of Bad Ass

Lexie’s and Alex’s coupledom started going down hill when Alex called out Izzie’s name during sex bleeding to death, from a  bullet wound.  Considering that Izzie has already been MIA for half a season now, and LEXIE was the one saving Alex’s life at the time, I would say this was a pretty classic case of The Boy Who Doesn’t Know Where His Bread is Buttered . . .

Warning:  The loaf of bread has NOT BEEN BUTTERED BY IZZIE!  Jackass!

Things went from bad to worse, when Alex decided to keep his bullet from The Shooting lodged in his stomach, so he could use it to pick up chicks.

Yes, we CAN blame Alex for being a tool.  But can we REALLY blame all those chicks for banging him, when he looks like THIS? 

So, apparently, we can now expect many more episodes, during which a Shirtless Alex walks around the hospital, letting random slutty nurses rub his belly, and finger his scars.

But the final nail in the coffin was when Lexie had a PTSD freak-out in the hospital, and Wimpy Alex just WALKED AWAY, like a b*tch!  “I’ve had enough crazy for one lifetime,” Alex tells McSexyShrinko, when questioned about the incident.

Well, considering that Alex’s first girlfriend gave him an STD . . .

 . . . his second one ended up being a TOTAL Nutbag . . .

and his third girlfriend cheated on him with a DEAD GUY . . .

I guess I’d be inclined to agree!

And yet, I couldn’t help but cheer, when Alex tried to hit on Lexie at Owen’s and Christina’s wedding and she COMPLETELY TOLD HIM OFF!

“You may think that you are Bad Ass, because you lived.  But I’m the reason you lived.  And while you were sitting on that operating table DYING, you were calling out the name of your ex-wife who left you.  I’d say, that’s the opposite of Bad Ass.”

I think Alex just pooped his pants.

Did I mention that, unlike Alex, Dr. Mark “McSteamy” Sloan has TOTALLY been looking out for / trying to take care of Lexie this ENTIRE TIME . . .

 . . . or that Jackson Avery is approximately her age, single, and, is now a Series Regular?

Oh, Alex!  You are SO YESTERDAY’S SCREW!

In other news . . .

Good Times Ahead for “Calzona”

After an entire episode during which Arizona worried that Callie would either propose marriage, or start bugging her about “making babies” again, Doctor Blondie was TOTALLY relieved, when Callie finally revealed was that she simply wanted Arizona to live with her on a more permanent basis.   

“I want you to move in with me. I love you, and you have a drawer . . . and a toothbrush . . . and I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole . . .blow-dryer. Or something.. more romantic than that or .  . .something,” mumbles Callie adorably.”

And, just in case some of you out there, missed it, the exchange looked something like this:

and, when Arizona happily accepted Callie’s Proposal of Cohabitation, it looked like THIS . . .

“Blow Dryer” GIF and Calzona PicSpam provided courtesy of: http://fuckyeahcallieandarizona.tumblr.com/

It’s SO HARD to SAY GOODBYE .  . . to  the Gas Man

Oh, Ben!  Dear, Sweet, Miranda Bailey-loving, anesthesiologist, Ben!  We hardly knew ye!  But, already, we loved ye!  We loved the way you made Bailey happy, giddy, and smiley. 

We loved the way you got her to blissfully sing in the elevator, after the two of you FINALLY did the deed.  In short, you were a godsend for our favorite Nazi!

Sure, we always knew that, eventually, you would have to leave.  Really, we did.  But that didn’t make it any easier to watch Miranda dump you.

Yes, you just so happened to be golfing while a young man died in Miranda’s arms.  But that wasn’t your fault!  And yes, Miranda now feels that she is “busy with the tape and the glue”  that are holding her fragile life together.  So, Sweet, Perfect, Ben seems like “too much for her right now.” 

 But, does it REALLY need to be SO HARD?  Does the breakup need to feel so permanent?  After all, glue dries.  Tape peels.  And relationships .  . . well . . . sometimes . . . they heal just not when one of the involved parties has already signed on to work on yet another Shondra Rhimes Medical Drama.

Gas Man, you will certainly be missed.  And maybe, just maybe, we will find it in our hearts to check you out on that OTHER show, which shall remain nameless.  But, for right now, at least, I can’t do that.  Call me, Dark and Twisty if you want, but I’m still a little bitter . . . 

I guess my glue just hasn’t dried yet.

Well, there you have it folks — Grey’s Anatomy Season 7 is officially upon us.  Are you as psyched as I am?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“THAT was awkward!” A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “How Insensitive”

 

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was just FILLED with squirm-inducing, uncomfortable moments.  Moments that were just ASKING for someone to say or do the wrong thing, out of sheer discomfort.  So, it was probably a good thing that the episode began with the Seattle Grace staff taking a crash course in sensitivity training, led by “The Nazi” herself, Miranda Bailey.

“I pity the fool who’s INSENSITIVE around my patients!”

 Here are just some of the awkward moments that our favorite doctors coped with this week . . .

Have 700-pound man, CAN’T travel . . .

Mere minutes after the crew concluded their half-assed class in sensitivity training, a 700-pound patient was delivered to Seattle Grace on the back of a flat bed truck.  In addition to some of the more obvious complications generally associated with carrying that much extra weight (heart conditions, breathing problems, diabetes, immobility, gout etc.), the patient also had a less obvious condition that was life threatening and required medical care.  Namely, a seriously heinous-looking rash was developing beneath his many layers of skin tissue and fat. 

And let me tell you, for those of you out there who are trying to diet, leave this episode on your DVR queue.  When the episode started, I was chowing down on my favorite cereal — two minutes later I had COMPLETELY lost my appetite!

Watch TV, make this face, LOSE WEIGHT!  It’s that simple!

When I started to write this recap, I was torn as to whether I would post pictures of the 700-pound man.  After all, I do have access to them.  And they would certainly help you, the reader, get a better idea of what our doctors were faced with.  Yet . . . quite frankly . . . it was GROSS!  And my blog has been so pretty up until this point — pretty and filled with hot shirtless men who weigh significantly less than 700 pounds.  Like, for example, Justin Chambers (who plays Karev on the show) . . .

So did I really want to do this to my readers and my blog?

Now . . . before you start calling ME insensitive (Shallow?  Maybe.  But insensitive?  Definitely not)  . . . I should tell you that the actor who played the 700 – pound man is not actually 700 pounds.  In fact, he is a very charming, sort of attractive, character actor named Jerry Kernion.  Here’s his REAL picture, sans fat suit.

But the makeup department at Grey’s Anatomy did an almost TOO GOOD  job of making the guy you see above, frighteningly obese and rash-filled.  What’s more, if I posted the actual picture, you might be so disturbed by it that you would miss the point that show was trying to make.  After all, the patient, named Bobby, was so sweet, self-depracating, and genuinely likeable, throughout the episode, that, after a while, you stopped seeing him as the grotesque product of latex and a BIG FAT SUIT, and more as a jolly chubster like this . . .

So that’s what I’ve ultimately decided to do.  Whenever I refer to the 700-pound Bobby in this blog, you will get a picture of The Nutty Professor for your viewing pleasure.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, back to the show . . .

So, 700-pound Bobby . . .

 . . . is being surprisingly light-hearted about this whole thing, smiling and cracking jokes, as the hospital staff pokes and prods him like an animal.  But the staff is so freaked out by their predicament, and so petrified of being thrown off the case for making insensitive remarks, that they come off as cold and distant.  Bailey tosses out Christina and Dr. “Hotness” Avery . . .

Sigh . . .

 . . . within about two minutes, for making fat jokes under their breath.  And that random Frankenstein-y Mercy West doc follows shortly after, for comparing Bobby to a rhinocerous.  But by far the Most Insensitive Comment of the Evening Award goes to Nu-Chief Shepherd, who suggests that the patient be sent home to die because, “Why should we expend our time and resources to care for a patient who doesn’t even both to care for himself?”

Special thanks go out to smileymileyfan35 for this awesome compilation!

Ultimately, Dr. Less-Than-Dreamy reconsiders his earlier position, when we learn that Bobby’s wife is pregnant.

This, of course, raises the inevitable question of HOW?  Down at the hospital cafeteria, home to some of Grey’s Anatomy’s most humorous moments, including this one . . .

Thanks LightSpectre!

 . . . the Grey’s crew tries to figure out the logistics of a sex act between a 700-pound man and a 120ish pound woman.  Karev even resorts to using a “model.”

Unfortunately, for Karev, Bobby’s wife ALSO eats in the cafeteria, and she hears the entire exchange!  OUCH!  To her credit, this woman slays the crew with kindness.  With a smile on her face, she tells them that she would be happy to let them in on the logistics of her sex romp provided the rest of the group share their sexual kinks.  “Then again, it’s probably none of my damn business,” she concludes icily, before stalking away.

She sure showed them . . .

Later Alex confronts the wife to apologize, but she is understandably non-receptive.  “You didn’t know him before this,” she explains.  “To me, he’s still the same man I married.  All he’s been trying to do all day is make you laugh, and you’re all so disgusted by him, you can’t even crack a smile.  I thought you could help him.  But you’re just making it worse.”

Taking the woman’s speech to heart, Alex visits Bobby . . .

 . . . who is now convinced he wants to die.  “No child deserves a father like this,” says Bobby.  “It would be better if he didn’t know me at all.”

Alex eases the tension by exchanging a few fat jokes with Bobby.  He then gives him some tough love, explaining that a decision to die would be a selfish one.  He would be leaving his wife to clean up a “700-pound mess.” Alex ultimately convinces Bobby to go through with the risky surgery by saying, “at least your wife and kid would know you tried.”

After a few nerve-wracking hiccups, Bobby survives the surgery and vows to make some major lifestyle changes.  We hope he does, because we like our Nutty Professor a lot . . .

 . . . and we want to keep him around.

The Gossip, The Big Fat Liar  . . . and Meredith

When Gossip Girl Derek  . . .

 . . . makes an offhand comment to Meredith about Owen refusal to support Teddy, when her job was on the line last week, he puts his Post-It Wife in a BAD position.  On one hand, Derek is her sort-of husband, and she should generally keep his confidences.  On the other, Christina is her best friend.  And if her best friend is dating a Big Fat Liar (Owen told Christina he had helped Teddy keep the job), she has a right to know about it.   To Meredith’s credit, she initially keeps her mouth shut.  But when she overhears Teddy THANKING Owen for his help and support, she can’t help but toss a withering look his way.

And so, like a petulant child, with his hand caught in the cookie jar, Owen  . . .

Sergeant D-Bag

 . . . reacts defensively by kicking Meredith off his surgical team for no apparent reason, and freaking out on Derek for divulging his confidences.  Derek confronts Meredith and the two get into a heated argument about the importance of openness and confidentiality in a marriage.  However, I’m with Meredith on this one.  If Derek didn’t want Post-It Wife to react to information that was obviously pertinent to the life of her best friend, he just plain shouldn’t have told her.  BAD DEREK!

Divorce Papers, PDAs and Foreplay

I know, I know . . . this is an OLD pic.  Just imagine Lexie with blonde hair, OK?

So Izzie finally sent Karev the divorce papers (because Katherine Heigl is off the show).  And Karev didn’t seem to think that this was pertinent information to share with girl he’d been screwing for the past four or five episodes.  But when Meredith tries to discuss it with him, Lexie overhears.  OOPS!  And she’s pissed!  When confronted with the issue, both halves of the screwing bunnies claim that their relationship is just about sex.  However, at the end of the episode, when Karev is signing the divorce papers and Lexie stops by, he plants a big sloppy wet one on her in public, which, in Grey’s world, equals TRUE LOVE!

 (at least until someone better comes along . . .)

Breaking up is Hard to Do . . .

We all knew it was coming.  It was just a question of when it would happen and how it would arise.  Honestly, the circumstances that brought about the Callie / Arizona breakup seemed a bit contrived to me.  But that didn’t make it any less heartbreaking when it happened. 

So, there was this cheeky little bike riding chick in the hospital who needed a knee repair.  And she starts TOTALLY hitting on Callie hardcore.  This was REALLY ballsy of the chick, I think, because (1) Callie is her doctor; and (2) your gaydar has to be PRETTY fine-tuned to pick up on Callie Torres’ same-sex tendencies.  I mean, she’s not exactly this guy . . .

Before leaving the hospital, the biker chick writes her telephone number in permanent marker on Callie’s hand.  (What, no cell phone?  Is this another 80s flashback episode, and I just didn’t know it?)  So, Callie, being the passive aggressive gal she is, shows Arizona the number and says, “Every time I looked at this girl, I just kept wondering if she might want to have a baby someday.”  (Riiiiiiight . . . because that’s the first thing I think about, when I find myself attracted to a perfect stranger . . . FERTILITY.)

After hearing this, Arizona agrees to move out of the apartment that the couple shares.  The two lovers cry, while hugging it out.  Love sucks!

“I miss my dad.”

Speaking of crying, Sandra Oh had me bawling like a baby this week.  It all started when she was asked to watch over a little girl who’s mother had experienced a heart attack. While the mother is undergoing tests, Christina bonds with the little girl — so much so, that when the mother is rushed into surgery, Christina chooses to comfort the crying child, instead of operating on her mother.

While the pair is playing cards, the little girl asks Christina what will happen if her mother dies.  Just as she is asking this, Avery enters the room, and silently lets Christina know that the little girl’s mother did not make it through surgery. 

Trying to keep her face impassive, Christina replies,  “If your mother dies, you will blame yourself.  You will think that you did not do enough to help her.  But that is not true.  You did everything you could.  Remember that.  And it’s going to hurt everytime you think about her.  But, over time, it will begin to hurt a little less.  Until, one day, you will find that you can think about her, without it hurting much at all.”

(And, wow, I just cried typing that.)

Avery . . .

Sigh . . . Are any of you routing for an eventual Christina / Avery pairing, as much as I am?

 . . . who overheard Christina’s speech, confronts her about it, wondering about whether she had experienced a similar death in the family, at a yong age.  (Long-time viewers, like myself, know that her father died in a car accident, when she was very young.  Christina was in the car and had to watch him die.  It was this experience that prompted Christina to eventually become a doctor.) 

Christina sloughs it off, claiming that she was merely “kicking ass at sensitivity training.”  However, later, when Meredith approaches Christina, she roughly pushes her away, asking to speak to Owen.  When Owen enters the room with her, she breaks down, “I miss my dad,” she admits tearfully.

(And I just starting crying AGAIN, as I typed that.  Hormones much?)

While I go find some tissues, I’m going to leave you with this clip from next week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, which guest star’s Disney darling, Demi Lovato, as a schizophrenic patient with a penchant for self-mutilation.

Thank you Bluesky1234 for the late-breaking video!

Separating the Men (and the Women) from the Babies – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Hook Line and Sinner”

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was all about making choices.  The episode also featured a lot of “baby talk” . . .

  . . . and not nearly enough shirtlessness and/or sex for my taste . . .

A Shirtless Justin Chambers is a TERRIBLE thing to waste!

As is a Shirtless Jesse Williams, for that matter!

What choices did our characters make this week?  Let’s analyze, shall we?

To Grandpa, or Not to Grandpa . . .

In the past, Mark Sloan has been known throughout Seattle Grace as the Resident Man Child, a walking Mid-Life Crisis in Scrubs, if you will.  The moments he wasn’t in the operating room (and, let’s face it, we almost NEVER see this guy operate), Mark could typically be found trolling for women . . . .

 . . . making sexually suggestive (and slightly creepy) comments to anyone who would listen,

“Hey baby, did I ever tell you about the big yacht I own?  It’s IN MY PANTS!”

 . . . and starring in sex tapes with actresses and call girls . . .

(Oh, wait . . . that last one only happened in REAL life)

However, lately, viewers have begun to notice a “softer side” of Mark Sloan.  During the last few episodes, Mark has been toying with the idea of settling  into a serious relationship, and starting a family.  This idea was first brought to the forefront a few episodes back, when Mark’s long lost 18-year old daughter, who he heretofore never knew existed, arrived on the scene and announced she was pregnant.

Mark and his daughter (Little Sloan) had previously discussed Mark raising his grandchild on his daughter’s behalf.  However, Little Sloan got cold feet, and decided to put the baby up for adoption.  In the opening scenes of this episode, Little Sloan arrives on Mark’s doorstep about to give birth.   Fortunately for Little Sloan, Mark lives in Doctor Central.   So, she didn’t even need to go to the hospital to deliver her baby.   Dr. Teddy Altman . . .

 . . . (who Sloan just so happened to be screwing, while his daughter’s water was breaking all over his Welcome Mat), delivered the child, with nothing more than a pair of scissors and a bunch of towels.  Once the baby was born, a highly hormonal Little Sloan began to have second thoughts about giving it up for adoption. 

And despite the fact that Little Sloan had Bad Mommy written all over her (Her idea of “baby gifts” was a messy purse filled with enough lame dollar store doodads to LITERALLY choke a baby!  These “bite-sized” toys might as well have had “Swallow Me and Die” written on their surfaces), Big Sloan seemed to think it was a GREAT idea!  He was thrilled at the prospect of being able to have a grandchild in his life.  Fortunately, Arizona stepped in to show him the error of his ways. 

In a heart-wrenching scene, Mark is forced to hand the child over to his new adoptive parents.  Once it is all over, he and his daughter vow to remain a part of one another’s lives.  So, it seems as though Seattle Grace’s most immature resident may have FINALLY grown up.  (Oh, and did I mention that Little Sloan was significantly less annoying this week, than she has been in past episodes?)

Oh Baby or No Baby . . .

Speaking of Arizona . . .

 . . . she and Callie seemed to be having baby issues of their own this week, since Callie wants to have a child, and Arizona doesn’t.  Throughout the episode, Callie tried a number of tactics to get Arizona aboard the Baby Train.

First Callie tried guided imagery.  “Picture a beautiful baby,” she prodded.

“I’m picturing a trip to Spain, a glass of Sangria, and you in a bikini,” replied Arizona.  “Oh, wait.   We can’t go to Spain . . . or DRINK, because of the BABY!”

Callie then tried to psychoanalyze Arizona, patronizingly explaining to her that the real reason Arizona didn’t want a child was that she was afraid it would get sick and die, like Arizona’s own brother, or the babies she treats at the hospital each day.  Arizona is offended by Callie’s insinuations.  “I’m not broken.   . .  I just don’t want a child,” Arizona explains, before storming out of the room.

And even though the couple seemingly made up at the episode’s conclusion, I am not entirely sure that this is something they will be able to overcome, in the long term.

To Be a D-Bag, or NOT to be a D-Bag . . .

Remember all those times, when Seattle Grace was in financial trouble, and Derek self-righteously lectured Chief Webber on the importance of not letting the interests of money and prestige override the need for a comfortable work environment, where doctors can work together as a team?  Remember that “Back to School” episide, where Derek tried to demonstrate that Seattle Grace was, above all, a “teaching hospital”?  Well, it appears, that “power corrupts,” because the Derek of this week’s episode has completely turned his back on everything he once believed.

For what seemed like the umpteenth time in the past few seasons, ANOTHER “Cardio God” entered the hallowed halls of Seattle Grace.  And, once again, the typically tough-as-nails, Cristina Yang, turned into a puddle of sycophantic mush around him.  Karev was right when he said she treated well-renown doctors like trading cards . . .

Collect them all!

At least Cristina is not afraid to ADMIT her flaws.  (I loved when she called herself a Cardiothoracic Whore!)  This, unfortunately, is more than I can say for Derek . . . 

Apparently, Seattle Grace is still in need of a Head of Cardiologogy.  And while, Teddy, who has been performing the job on temporary contract, would seem to be the most likely choice for the job, the prospect of getting a bigger name (in this case, “Dr. Evans”) to fill the position, put dollar signs in McDreamy’s puppy dog eyes.

In Derek’s defense, a skittish Teddy was screwing up all over the place, this week, sneezing on patients and failing to recognize that they were suffering from sepsis, before operating on them.  And, yes, the DULL Dr. Evans did seem like a “good surgeon.”  However, he was a Crappy Teacher, forcing Cristina to sit on the sidelines and watch a surgery she had scrubbed in on, while he performed the entire thing on his own.  Not to mention that the absence of the well-liked Teddy would have certainly caused a good deal of upheaval amongst many of the doctors — most notably, Mark Sloan who she is currently screwing.  Under normal circumstances, a doctor’s popularity and good teaching skills should not be the sole reasons for her getting a job.  However, for a Chief who got HIS job on a platform of “education and togetherness,” such reasons should certainly be persuasive ones.

Fortunately, for Teddy, she ultimately got to keep her job.  However, at the end of the episode, when Old Chief Webber makes a point to congratulate Shepherd on his decision to award loyalty over prestige, Derek defiantly admits that he had originally offered Dr. Evans the job, not Teddy.  However, Dr. Evans passed on it.  I’m not a fan of what “chiefing” is doing to Derek’s character  . . . Here’s hoping that Old Chief Webber resumes his post REALLY SOON!

“Sober up quick, Chief McBoozy!  We need YOU!”

To Threesome, or Not to Threesome . .  .

In other D-baggyish news, Owen came VERY close to cheating on Cristina, by almost making out with a vulnerable Teddy, in an admittedly sweet elevator scene.  Interestingly enough, THESE actions are NOT the ones with which I take issue.  After all, Owen ultimately DID NOT cheat (only because his pager went off . . . but still).  And, Owen and Teddy do have chemistry and a strong history together, so I can understand his moment of weakness. 

What I COULD NOT abide, was what Owen did NEXT.  In a highly uncharacteristic move, Cristina plays the Girlfriend Card with Owen, asking that he plead Teddy’s case to McDreamy, so she can keep her job.  Owen AGREES to do this.  However, once he gets inside the Chief’s office, he pleads DR. EVANS’s case instead, asserting that Teddy would be “just fine” if Derek didn’t choose her for the position.  One could argue that Owen truly believed that Dr. Evan was the “better man” for the job.  However, I think this had more to do with Owen’s own concerns that he won’t be strong enough to not make out with Teddy, the next time the two of them are stuck in an elevator . . .  And, if that ‘s the case, that seriously SUCKS for BOTH Teddy and Cristina!

To Grow Some Balls or NOT to Grow Some Balls . . .

In still MORE D-bag news, Alex treated his sort-of girlfriend Lexie like total crap this entire episode, berating her, making fun of her, and STEALING her surgeries.  When Lexie solves a medical mystery and ALMOST allows Alex to steal her thunder, it takes a tough love speech from Bailey (Doesn’t it always?), for Lexie to finally realize that she is being mistreated.  At the end of the episode, Lexie confronts Alex, by giving him a serious “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR” – type talking to. 

Alex seems impressed.  He even gives Lexie a beer.  And you KNOW how boys hate parting with their beer.  But was it too little, to late?

Finally, in Bat-Sh&t Crazy News . . .

 . . . April continued to awkwardly fawn over the married Dr. Shepherd, much like the creepy school girl she played in that Glee episode a few months back . . .

I LOVED how Dr. Avery, a.k.a. Dr. Hotness . . .

 . . . totally called her out on her freak show behavior, not to mention skewered her with a few spot on impersonations.  “Oh, Chief Shepherd, you can spank me if I’m wrong. And I DO hope I’m wrong!”  He mimicked.

(Could somebody in the writing staff PLEASE give the funny and adorably sexy Jesse Williams more to do on this show?  A storyline?  A relationship?  A surgery?  ANYTHING AT ALL?  Need I remind you what he looks like with his shirt off?)

Anyway, methinks the slow boil of Bat Sh&t Crazy April is about to bubble over REALLY soon.  So, Derek should definitely hide his meat cleavers  . . .

 . . . and his BUNNIES . . .

 . . . both in the literal AND the metaphoric sense.  You can spank me if I’m wrong.  And I DO hope I’m wrong . . .

 

 

 

 

Love, Hearts, and Dismembered Limbs (a.k.a. The Gushy Stuff): A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Valentine’s Day Massacre”

Let’s try a bit of free association, shall we?  What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of Valentine’s Day?    Is it “love,” “hearts,” “relationships,” “sex?”  Or, perhaps your single, and the words you think about instead are “darkness,” “depression,” “drunkeness,” and “binge-eating”?

Actually, the word that comes to my mind is none of the above.  Rather, it is “pressure.”  For guys, Valentine’s Day inevitably brings with it the pressure to “impress your significant other.”  For girls, there is the pressure to “define your relationship.”  For singles, there is pressure to “obliterate the evening in as painless a way as possible.” 

But it’s not only humans who experience pressure on Valentine’s Day, television shows do too – particularly television shows based primarily on relationships.  These shows experience the pressure to be even sappier and mushy-gushier than they normally are.  And for an often sappy, mushy-gushy, show like Grey’s Anatomy, that is one tall order!

So, how did the Valentine’s Day-themed installment of Grey’s Anatomy do?  Let’s take a close  look at the candy conversation hearts that made up this episode, to find out . . .

“Eat Your Heart Out”

Someone once said that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  (And here,  I always thought she was referring to heart disease . . . go figure.)  However, in this Grey’s episode, it was not the males, but the females , who showed their love through eating. 

When the episode opens, McDreamy is informed that one of  his first duties as “Nu-Chief” is to attend a hoity toity fundraiser breakfast.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that Derek would be expected to take time out of his busy “saving lives” schedule to eat donuts and beg for money, as his “Post-It Wife,” Meredith was expected to go too.  And those of you who have seen Meredith know that eating is not exactly her strong suit . . .

At first, Meredith declines to attend the breakfast because she despises food has important surgeries to attend to.  Things change when she meets a married couple and their doting waiter, all of whom were seriously injured during a restaurant roof collapse.  The waiter slips Karev a $50 to ensure that his bed is placed next to the wife of the  couple.  That’s one well-paid waiter, if he has spare $50’s lying around his pockets!  Just saying . . .)

When he thinks the wife is sleeping, the waiter explains how he has known this woman for 15 years.  Apparently, she used to dine alone with him each week, order ing something different from the menu every time.  The waiter soon fell in love with this woman. 

Unforunately, all is not fair in love and eating.  One day, the woman brought her soon-to-be husband to the restaurant as her date.  She continued coming back to the restaurant each week, and the waiter was forced to watch the couple’s courtship.  It was he who helped the husband to propose by placing  the wife’s engagement ring in the crème brule. 

Through the years,  the waiter watched as the husband began to order food for the wife — the same item each week. Inevitably, the couple’s conversation began to dwindle and lessen.  Soon they didn’t speak to one another at all.

When the waiter finally closes his eyes, the wife opens hers and winks at Meredith to let her know that she has heard everything the waiter said.  The wife admits that she had also fallen in love with the waiter.  That’s why she came back to the restaurant each week.  Because complex surgeries are clearly insufficient to occupy the minds of these brilliant doctors, Karev and Meredith begin to make bets as to which party will express their love for one another first, using the $50 the waiter initially gave Karev.

Unfortunately, there is no time for long-winded speeches for these star-crossed foodies.  Complications plague both the husband and the waiter and, in an event that only happens on television, the two men are rushed into surgery simultaneously.  When inquiring as to their status, the wife admits to Meredith that she waited for the waiter for a long time.  But, finally, she made a choice.  She chose her husband, and she loved him dearly.

Ultimately, the waiter dies, the husband lives, and, as a result of the wife’s “Choose your husband” speech, Meredith decides to go to the fundraising breakfast after all.  (So, a poor waiter had to DIE to convince you to eat a donut.  Real nice, Meredith.  REAL NICE!)

“At least it was a worthy cause!  Mmmmmm . . . donuts!”

“Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve” (And your sleeve on your thigh . . .)

Remember the television show Felicity, where the titular character got dumped, cut her hair short, and single-handedly ruined the series in the process?

Well, apparently, Lexie, who has just been dumped by Mark “the Hypocrite” Sloan, was too busy studying to watch much television.  When a newly-single Mark approaches a young blonde doctor to hit on her, he is disturbed to find that the “young blonde” is Lexie.  And, you know what?  As much as I hate to say it, I actually like her new look . . .

After teasing her about her renegade appearance change (he called her Surgical Barbie), the lone likeable Mercy Wester (or Doctor Hotness, as I like to call him), challenges Lexie not just to change her mousy appearance, but to also change her mousy personality.  Coming from someone less attractive, that remark would be considered D-bagishly insensitive.  However, coming from Doctor Hotness . .  .

 . . . .

Sorry . . . I was fantasizing about Doctor Hotness and lost my train of thought.  Wait . . . what was I saying?

“Now that you mention it, I can definitely see a resemblance . . .”

Surgical Barbie  Lexie gets the opportunity to meet Doctor Hotness’s challenge, when a shy loner dishwasher from the same restaurant where the husband and wife used to dine, comes into the ER with a severed arm.  Apparently, the dishwasher was so forgettable that the dude sat armless and unttended to for hours, while his unattached arm lay lifeless in a sink nearby.  The dishwasher pleads with Lexie to salvage his arm.  “I just want to be normal,” he cries.

When the residents explain that there is no way that the dishwasher’s arm can be salvaged, Lexie uses her photographic memory to call to mind a special procedure whereby a severed body part is fused to another body part until it heals.  In a strongly worded speech, Lexie demands that extraordinary measures be taken to save this patient’s arm.  “That was definitely not mousy,” commends Doctor Hotness, in what had to be the biggest backhanded compliment a man has ever given a woman.

Unforunately, no good deed goes unpunished.  When the desperate-to-be-normal dishwasher wakes up to find that the doctors have attached his arm to his leg, he is absolutely horrified and furious.  “You made me into a freak!”  He yells.

However, Lexie calms him down by explaining to him that after this surgery, the dishwasher will no longer be ignored like he once was.  Instead, he will be “special and unique.”  Most importantly, after he sues the pants off the restaurant, he will also be rich. 

So, Happy Valentine’s Day to the No-Longer Mousy, Surgical Barbie and the Richly Unique Dishwasher Freak! 

“Love Means Never Having to Say I Killed a Patient . . .”

If you recall, at the conclusion of last week’s episode, Nu-Chief McDreamy rehired the formerly fired April, who was let go from Seattle Grace, after making a careless error that resulted in a patient’s death.  Now she’s back and is lodged so far up Nu-Chief’s butt, that you can’t tell where one ends and another begins.  Naming herself as Shepherd’s unofficial assistant, April follows McDreamy around like a lost puppy — reading him his schedule, picking out his clothing for him, and even going to his home to pick out Meredith’s clothing for her.

When McDreamy calls her out on this, April breaks down, admiting that, since the incident, she has been deathly afraid (no pun intended) to perform surgery.  April still hasn’t come to terms with the loss of the patient she killed.  In fact, she relives the traumatic experience every day.  For that reason, she fears that she is not a good doctor. 

Taking on the fatherly role previously held by Old Chief McDrunky (who was completely absent during this episode), McDreamy explains that it is April’s good heart and empathetic soul that make her a good doctor.    Awwww!

“My Daddy is MY Valentine!”

In other fatherly news, Pregnant Little Sloan has returned from her stint on Private Practice  dangerous operation.  As soon as she has returns, she tricks Callie into giving her a free sonogram.  Little Sloan then asks Callie for a “piece of paper” proving that her baby is healthy.  When Callie demands to know why Little Sloan needs such a document, Little Sloan admits that she plans to give her baby up for adoption.

Callie is horrified that Little Sloan would keep this a secret from Papa McSteamy, and demands that she comes clean to him.  Bratty Little Sloan declines to do so.  In fact, she only admits her secret, after Callie threatens to tell McSteamy on her own. 

Stunned by how attached he has grown to his unborn grandson, McSteamy shocks everyone by offering to raise it himself.  Then Callie shocks everyone again by offering to help raise the baby.   It’s all a bit  . . . shocking.

“Diapers cost HOW MUCH?”

The Gay/Straight baby raising storyline didn’t work on Will and Grace, and probably wouldn’t work here.  Shondra Rhimes undoubtedly sensed this (just as she sensed what an annoying character Little Sloan has turned out to be), and proceeded to murder the prospective storyline within a few moments of its presentation.  Little Sloan declines her papa’s generous offer and sneaks out of town without even telling him goodbye.

Good riddens, I say!

“Ménage a trois?’

Tired of being given the cold shoulder by Owen,  since her unfortunate drunken confession of love for him, Teddy, in a burst of uncharacteristic girlishness, approaches Owen and proceeds to babble uncontrollably about loneliness, puppies and bikini waxes.  Ahhh, yes . . . of course!   There is no better way to get a boy to like you, than to smother him with girl talk. 

Ummm . . . Teddy?  If your former boyfriend used to listen to you talking like this, it was only because you were sleeping with him.  F.Y.I.  No straight guy wants to hear about bikini waxes from a woman who isn’t giving him sex .  . .

When this approach doesn’t work (shocker), Teddy tries another one.  She approaches Owen and Christina together.  (I’m liking this method better already . . .). 

However, instead of propositioning them for a threesome (darn), she simply offers them her hand in friendship.  While Teddy recognizes that it is nearly impossible to “unring the bell” of a drunken love confession and repair a broken friendship, she vows to “try like hell.” 

Because, I really like this character, I hope she succeeds . . . (and, ultimately, gives us fans the threesome we so deserve for putting up with this show for as long as we have).

“Let’s Go Speed Dating!”

Eventually, it must have occurred to Shondra that none of the storylines in this “Valentine’s Day” episode of Grey’s were all that romantic.  Recognizing that all of her current couples were either “mature and established” or “in the midst of a breakup,” Shondra succumbed to the pressure and decided to advance a brand new, fledgling, relationship at warp speed . . .

If you recall, last week I was giddy with anticipation for the inevitable coupling of tough-as-nails Bailey with the Sexy McGas Man.  After all, there is nothing I love more than to swoon over the first signs of companionate game-playing and torturous unrequited love — both in real life, and on my television screen. 

Mmmmmm . . .  the longing looks, the heated arguments, the cat and mouse games, the inevitable jealousy when one of the pair finds someone new who is completely wrong for them, the close encounters that almost go there . . . but don’t.  And, finally, (after an entire season of will they, won’t they?) a hot and steamy makeout session that devolves into coupledom.  It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it   . . .

Unforunately, Shondra Rhimes burst my sexy balloon within seconds of the episode’s opening, by having Gas Man immediately ask Bailey out on a date.  When she initially turned him down, I gave a big sigh of relief.   “There may be hope for this non-couple/ couple yet,”  I thought. 

But then stupid Arizona had to go and screw things up!  Poopy Head started egging the couple on, like the catty middle school girl she really is.  And, to my chagrin, it worked.  By the end of the episode, Bailey admits to Mc Gas Man, “I like you.”

She then agrees to go on a date with him.    (Hasn’t anyone told Shondra that sometimes the build up is better than the climax?)

Oh well!  I guess I will have to rely on my own life for unrequited love and sexual tension.  Tomorrow is, after all, Singles Awareness Day . . .