Tag Archives: Pack Mentality

It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 

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Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!

RUN, DEREK, RUN!

(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .

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It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

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“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.

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Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .

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Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .


“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?

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And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .

 . . . or THIS ONE . .

 . . . or THIS ONE (if you cropped your MOM out of it) . . .

Just trying to help . . .

Anyway, we are treated to some DRAMATICALLY HEARTBREAKING MUSIC as a tearful Allison RUSHES FROM THE CLASSROOM, in anguish, over the traumatizing sexts her werewolf ex-boyfriend sent her . . .

“I thought you’d at least have the decency to send me a picture of your weiner!  Don’t you care about me AT ALL?”

She wonders whether Scott was trying to “hurt her” by sending her those “painful memories.”  She’s going to need “some time,” before she can “work back to being Scott’s friend.”  (Uh, Sweetie Pie, I hate to break this to you.  But you were NEVER Scott’s friend.  You came . .  .  you saw . . . you screwed.  So, don’t be expecting that you two will be painting one another’s toenails at a slumber party, any time soon.  Mmmm ‘kay?)

“I Bet She’s a Screamer”

She sure looks like a screamer, in THIS picture! 

So, here are Scott and Stiles just minding their business a lunch . . . (Stiles is gorging on the fried finger food, as per usual . . .)

Now, clearly, this is a guy who never met something he didn’t want to shove in his mouth.  I can work with that . . .

All of the sudden, Jackson is eye-f*&king the pair hardcore, from across the lunchroom.  He’s also seductively eating his apple, and describing, in VERY graphic detail, all the sexual things he’s going to do to Allison, if Scott doesn’t help him become a wolf.  Though he’s halfway across the room, Scott can hear him speaking, as if he is whispering sweet nothings in his ear.  Jackson’s clearly done his research, and knows this.  And yet, since Scott’s supersonic hearing ability seems to be a tad on the selective side, I can’t help but wonder whether Jackson’s “wolfy connection” to Scott is what actually enables him to accomplish this feat.

But more on THAT later . . .

I have to admit, that as much as Jackson SUCKS SERIOUS ASS, I thought this scene was pretty hot.  The camera man focused on Jackson’s Angelina Jolie lips the entire time he was describing the way his hands were going to fondle Allison.  It was as erotic, as it was disturbing, and, I suspect, intentionally so  . . .

Scott tried to get his mind off things, by having the usually verbose Stiles distract him.  But alas, Stiles was a tad too distracted by his tater tots and the massive size of Jackson’s lips to be much help . . .

“Seriously?  Do you think he injects collagen in those things?”

Jackson’s goading of Scott affects the Teen Wolf so intensely, that he very nearly wolfs out right there in the cafeteria.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he manages to break his lunch tray, with his bare hands . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot Scott and Stiles decide that Scott should STEAL Allison’s necklace, since there is no chance in hell that she will give it to him, now . . .

Sink or Swim . . .

“So, all that stuff they say about shrinkage . . . is that true?” 

Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of wacked out school these guys go to, that they can randomly take a dip in the pool by themselves in the middle of the day, while a bunch of other students look on, boredly.  Nevertheless, here are Jackson and Allison swimming slower than my grandma “racing” eachother across the Olympic-size swimming pool, while Scott looks on enviously, and digs through Allison’s bag for the ever-elusive Ugly Ass Necklace.

I mean, seriously Jackson, I genuinely thought you had game, with all that great 1-900 Sex Talk you were giving Scott earlier.  But, here you are racing a woman in the pool, and — of all strokes — you choose the BREASTSTROKE, a.k.a. the least manly looking swim stroke of ALL TIME?  What gives, Dude?

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Yeah . . . go ahead . . . eat your apple.  It’s not going to change how I feel . . . that much.

That being said, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Jackson doesn’t really give two craps about Allison.  This whole goopy lovesick puppy act is all for Scott’s benefit, which is . . . interesting.

Speaking of girls Jackson isn’t really interested in, he dumps Lydia . . . by TEXT MESSAGE.

The Poor Girl is so far inside Scott’s jockstrap clueless about the nature of attraction that she hasn’t noticed that the writing has been on the wall for the end of this relationship, since the Pilot episode.  In fact, when she receives Jackson’s “Please drop off my housekey at your earliest convenience, as we are no longer dating.”  (Beautifully written . . . Jackson’s English teacher would be so proud.) text message, she automatically assumes its a joke, despite the fact that Jackson failed to include a “HaHa” at the end.  (Personally, I’ve always been more of an “LOL” girl myself.  I also use “JK”  under special circumstances).

Jackson callously tells a stunned Lydia that he is making some “changes” in his life.  Apparently, this includes dropping some “dead weight.”  And Jackson feels she is “the deadest.”

Now, whatever your feelings are about Lydia, you have to admit, that was pretty darn harsh.  (And you have to wonder whether the reference to Lydia as “dead” was meant to function as foreshadowing of some sort.)

ALSO . . . umm Jackson . . . how exactly is being a werewolf going to improve your dating life?  Are you expecting to start dating only poodles, now?

Don’t you worry, Red . . . you’ll get back on that horse again . . .

AHEM!

And now for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE part of this episode . . .

Derek Hale – Fashionplate Extraordinaire

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We all know how much Derek Hale likes to sneak up on people.  However, so far in the series “people” has been relegated to just “Scott.”  So,  you could imagine my pleasant surprise when Derek pays a surprise visit to my OTHER favorite character on this show . . .

“Uh oh!  Derek’s here.  I guess I should minimize my porn now . . .” 

Stiles screams out Derek’s name, rather loudly from the bedroom.  And Derek, who’s supersonic wolf hearing has informed him that Papa Stiles is outside the door, figures that Papa might have some question about THAT . . . So, Derek puts his foot down, and forces Stiles to confront his Proud Papa . . .

Awkwardness ensues in the hallway, as the manly Papa Stiles attempts to express how proud he is of his son for making the First Line in the school lacrosse game, based on a schoolwide outbreak of monkeypox, or something.   Between these two non-emotional men, I think the word “proud” is thrown out about 10 times, before the seemingly interminable conversation ends with a SURPRISINGLY INTENSE HUG . . .

I’m kind of loving Stiles’ dad, right now.  If anything happens to him on this show, HEADS WILL ROLL!

Then Stiles returns to where he belongs . . . up against Derek Hale’s manly chest.  I think I smell a TVD-inspired Wall Slam, coming on . . .

Is it just me, or is Derek’s hair looking particularly POOFY, today?

Though Derek clearly tries to manhandle and intimidate Stiles, our scrappy little hero is clearly able to hold his own.  After all, HE’S holding all the cards.  “Hey Dad, Derek Hale is in my room.  Bring guns!”  Stiles threatens.  “As long as I am harboring your fugitive ass, it’s my house, my rules.”

YOU GO, BOY!

At least, we have no solved the mystery of where Derek has been hiding out all this time . . .

As it turns out, while Scott is stealing the Ugly Ass Necklace, Stiles has a little project of his own to solve.  He wants to trace the faux-Scott text message to Allison from “The School Night” episode to its source.  And he knows just the guy to do it.  Apparently, our good pal, Danny, was quite the little hacker at age 13, and has a criminal record for overriding cell phone security.  (I’m liking him, already!)

Unfortunately, Danny still believes that he only came to Stiles’ house for sex to study, and he is not interested in Stiles’ illegal hacking assignment.  And so, Stiles must resort to more creative methods of persuasion to get Danny to comply with his wishes.  Fortunately, “cousin Miguel” is around to help . . .

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So, apparently, Derek Hale’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit is lacking in the fundamentals, like say, indoor plumbing and running water.  This would explain why Derek is forced to wear a bloody shirt around Stiles’ house.  Danny, of course, notices right away, which gives Stiles an idea . . .

He starts insisting that Derek put on one of HIS (Stiles’ shirts) knowing full well, that none of them will fit.  The result is an AMAZINGLY HOT, and hilarious fashion show, during which an adorably grouchy Derek (or should I say “Miguel”), alternates between blessed shirtlessness, and uber tight-shirted bliss .  . .  And YES I have “visual aids for you to enjoy . . .


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(Honestly, I can’t imagine Stiles actually wearing this shirt.  Can you?)

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You’re welcome, DANNY (and Stiles)!

Then Stiles makes a comment like, “I know you play for a different team, but you still play ball, don’t you, Danny Boy?”

WOAH!  Did Stiles just offer up Derek for SEX?  I could have sworn that’s what that line intimated.  Because, suddenly, Danny is (approvingly) telling Stiles what a horrible person he is.  (Hey, it could have been worse, Danny.  He could have asked you, if you thought he was attractive for the 85,000th time.)  Horrible person or not, Danny is suddenly VERRRRY EAGER to help Derek find a pair of too tight underwear to match that too tight shirt Stiles with his little phone project.  Seemingly, within seconds the call is traced . . . to Scott’s Mom’s computer at the hospital?

Apparently, Jackson’s not the only guy who’s been able to pull Mommy McCall away from her “work.”  SLUT! 

Seriously, this kid NEVER EVER CLOSES HIS MOUTH.  I LOVE IT! 

The Argents are CRAAAAZY . . . Nuff Said . . .

We are then treated to a rather nauseating (in my opinion, anyway) scene in which Scott once again sneaks into Allison’s room (Girlfriend, shouldn’t really consider investing in a lock for that window.  Don’t you think?) to steal the Ugly Ass Necklace.  Before he can find it, however, he finds an old receipt Allison kept from the pair’s first bowling date.  Cue the Slit-Your-Wrist Emo Music!

Almost TWENTY BUCKS?  Kind of a ripoff, don’t you think?

“Wahhh!  Allison has such neat handwriting.  Why can’t I have handwriting like that?”

Fortunately, we aren’t subjected to this goopy maudlin “young love is hard” crap for long, because, eventually Scott finds the Ugly Ass Necklace, right next to an old book on werewolves Allison has apparently been researching.  Or, perhaps, should I say, “Loup Garous?”


So, of course, the minute Scott sneaks out of Allison’s bedroom, he HAS to run into Papa Argent, right on her lawn, right?

“We REALLY have to stop meeting like this, PSYCHO STALKER!” 

Why does it seem like nobody EVER wants to hang out with the adult Argents unless they are cornering them, and practically dragging them kicking and screaming into their “Friendship Circle.”  Once in the house, Papa A once again starts plying Scott with alcohol (which would actually be cool, since wolf Scott is incapable of getting drunk, and could, therefore drink Papa A under the table).  He apologizes to Scott for being aggressive with him, and expresses sympathy over the Salison breakup.

Papa’s candor with the teen he BARELY knows is a cross between genuine concern, and disturbing creepiness.  Throughout the entire uncomfortable conversation, I just keep waiting for the guy to tie Scott up, rip off his clothing and lock him in the basement, next to all the guns . . .

Papa interrogates Scott about how well he knows supposed Big Bad Serial Killer Derek and blah, blah, blah.  We’ll back to them later.  For now, let’s go visit MORON Allison.  Our favorite A+ student has, apparently decided that, even though there are wild animals and serial killers on the loose, it’s a perfectly fabulous idea to go out running alone in the “picturesque” woods where the Blair Witch Project was probably filmed.

“Hi, my name is Allison Argent.  Do you like the sign on my back?  It says :”Please murder me, and bury my body under a nice tall tree.”

 As if that wasn’t bad enough, Little Miss Death wish then decides to go wandering around the suspected murderers burnt up house, so that she can explore all the suspicious -looking claw marks on the floor. (Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY how The Blair Witch Project ended.)  Auntie Kate the crazy cougar sex pot / obvious arsonist /  Hale fale murderer follows her niece there, supposedly to “keep her safe” or whatever.

 When Allison wonders out loud what would make a hot dude like Derek become a psychotic killer, Katiepoo gets quite a bit defensive, arguing that “You don’t have to be psychotic to be a murderer . . . you just have to have  a ‘reason’, but even then, sometimes, you can surprise yourself.”  (In other words, “Yes, I burned down this house, and killed all the Hales in it, because I was raised to hate werewolves, but also because I secretly get turned on by watching things DIE!”)

“My precious!” 

As Auntie Kate tells her tale of how some serial killers are really just nice people, who are misunderstood, she fondles the wall of Derek’s house, like she wants to hump it.   (Sidenote / Speculation: The writers seem to have made it SO obvious that Kate was the one responsible for the Hale fire, that I can’t help but wonder whether this is a MAJOR red herring, and that someone else, like Allison’s MOM for example, is actually the one who lit the final match.  Just wondering. . .  )

Then Allison gets all weepy for the 225,000th time this episode, and whines to Kate about how weak she feels because she doesn’t know how to battle a serial killer.  Katiepoo promises that if Allison is patient she will make her drink the Kool Aid and become a bat-sh*t crazy Werewolf Hunter, just like everyone else in her family give her everything she is seeking . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s “nice” that Allison has decided that she wants to learn how to defend herself.  However, there was something about the sneakly little smirk Auntie Kate gave the camera at the end of this scene that just didn’t sit well with me. It seems pretty obvious that Katiepoo has some very SELFISH reasons for wanting Allison to be trained in the art of werewolf hunting . . .

Speaking of whiny, whiners, who like to whine . . .

Scott is conveniently boo hooing to Papa Argent about how EVERYTHING he has done, since he met Allison, has been to keep her safe except for, you know, those times he tried to kill her . . .  and the time he made out with Lydia . . . and the time he left her for dead, while he did the horizontal  mambo with the Alpha, when Allison appears in the doorway, and (SURPRISE!) hears exactly the right part of the conversation.  Well, played, Scotty Boy!

Revelations of ALPHA importance!

I’m not exactly sure how he figured it out, but somehow Stiles’ Super Cool Daddio connected Professor Emo to the Hale fire.  When Papa confronts him with this information, Professor Emo explains how some Hot Chick (Kate) found him in the bar, and plied him with liquor and promises of sex, until he told her how to make the scientific concoctions necessary to burn down a home, and hide dead bodies.  Apparently, this conversation occurred just a few weeks before the Hale house burned down.  (The important question, of course, is: Did Kate and Professor Emo bump uglies?)

“Come on, Officer!  Cut me some slack.   Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get laid, when you look like the serial killer from a Lifetime movie?”

In hindsight, it’s kind of unfortunate that our main characters weren’t made privy to this conversation, as it actually fills in a lot of previously mined plot holes.  And because this recap is getting longer than I wanted it to be, I will just go ahead and list them here:

(1) We now know why, at the beginning of the episode, the Alpha blamed Professor Emo for what happened to him in the Hale family fire.

(2) We now know that Laura Hale came to Emo MAN prior to her death, because she somehow figured out that someone with Professor Emo’s last name (“Harris” not “Emo”) was the one who gave the arsonist the “tools” to set the fire.  And she figured that HE would be able to lead her to her family’s murderer.

(3) We know that the Arsonist (probably Kate, but maybe Allison’s mom) was an Argent, since she was wearing the infamous Ugly Ass Necklace that Allison now owns . . .

And now for the REAL juicy stuff . . . upon getting the news that the Alpha is probably hiding out at Beacon Hills Hospital, where Scott’s mom works, Stiles and his new boyfriend “Miguel” erp . . . I mean Derek drive over there to investigate.  Unfortunately, Stiles is currently missing what will, most likely, be his ONLY chance to play first lacrosse, which makes me sad, both for him and his dad.

But you know what’s NOT sad .  . . what’s in fact, HILARIOUSLY funny?  THIS . . .

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Yeah . . . apparently Derek wasn’t too cool on Stiles pimping him out to Danny, in exchange for some cell phone information.  Fortunately, Stiles seems to have a very bouncy skull, and will probably be just fine.  (He’ll have a killer headache, tomorrow though!)

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why Derek made Stiles go into the hospital BY HIMSELF, knowing that there was a pretty good possibility that the Alpha was in there . . .

Like a lamb heading to slaughter . . . 

In fact, all it takes is for Stiles to report to Derek via telephone that Derek’s “invalid” uncle is no longer in his room, despite his having supposedly not left his CHAIR for ten years, for Derek to figure out EXACTLY who the Alpha is . . . And in about three seconds we will know too . . .

You know, I gotta say, as far as having a “good cover” for being a serial killer, pretending to be a vegetable for ten years, is about as ambitious as they come!  Color me impressed!  But Uncle Alpha didn’t get where he is today, by being a lone wolf, he had at least one accomplice . . .

As of now, I’m not quite sure what the nurse has to do with all this.  Currently, my guess is she was either boning the Alpha, or she’s part of his pack.  Perhaps, both.  But to be honest, I’m more worried about Stiles right now . . . and he’s, rightfully, more worried about himself than he is about solving the Mystery of the Alpha for his Scooby Gang pals.

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But worry not, Stiles!  Because Derek Hale is here to rescue YOU!

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Now, that’s HOT! 

Unfortunately, for Derek,  he’s really no match for the Alpha, as we learned that time when said Alpha GUTTED LIKE A FISH!

Ahh!  Memories! 

So, eventually Derek is temporarily incapacitated, and we come to that annoying, but necessary, part of every story, where the villain monologues for his prospective victims, and tells them all his secrets . . .

The Alpha’s first secret?  He FAKED HIS UGLY FACE (either that or he has the coolest Plastic Surgery Mirror EVER)!

Here’s another interesting Alpha tidbit.  Remember when Derek visited his fake invalid uncle in the hospital, and asked him if anyone else got out of the fire alive that could potentially be the Alpha?  Remember how Fake Invalid Uncle raised his finger?  Well, apparently, he was POINTING AT HIMSELF!

That Alpha . . . what a FUNNY GUY!

But, for me, the most interesting tidbit was THIS . . . Uncle Alpha BECAME an Alpha by killing the original Alpha, also known as . . . wait for it . . . Laura Hale.

My Alpha . . . how you’ve changed! 

And it was the act of becoming an Alpha that healed his wounds (and also made him nuts).  Why this is pertinent, of course, is that it pretty much debunks Derek’s theory that Scott could cure his own werewolfism by killing the Alpha.  In fact, if Scott kills Uncle Fake Invalid, he will become an EVEN BIGGER ASSHAT WOLF than he is now.  But . . . and here’s the kicker . . . so will DEREK, if HE kills his uncle . . .  which he may very well do in the upcoming episode . . .

My sentiments exactly  . . .

On a lighter note, Derek was also wrong about something else . . . he and Scott ARE definitely part of the same pack.  (All together now . . . AWWW!)

Speaking of pack members, we actually learned some important things on the boring lacrosse field too . . .  Wanna hear them?

Well too bad, because here they come . . .

(1) Contrary to popular belief, there IS, in fact, a “ME” in “Team” . . .

 (2) The Argents are werewolf hunters, because their last name means “silver.”  (Well, actually, we sort of knew that already, but . . . whatever JACKSON!

(3) Auntie Kate is a closet pedophile who wants to lick teenage boys.  She thinks Jackson is hot, and really wants to hit that.  She also thinks he might be the second beta wolf because . . . wait for it . . . a DEEP WEREWOLF SCRATCH is enough to turn a human into a werewolf.

“BUT WAIT . . .” You say.  I thought only an ALPHA could turn a human into a werewolf.  Derek is just a beta.  TRUE.  BUT . . . what if . . . a human was scratched by a Beta . . .

 . . .and that same scratch was TRACED by an Alpha . . .

Uh Oh, Jackson!  Be careful what you wish for . . . because you just might get it.

See you next week, Werebangers!

P.S. Special thanks go out, once again, to my FABULOUS, UBER TALENTED, EXPERT SCREENCAPPER, Andre, for all the beautiful caps you see here (particularly the shirtless ones, because those deserve EXTRA thanks). 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

No More Mister Nice Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Panic Attack”

This is not your mother’s Teen Wolf . . .

It doesn’t play nice.  It isn’t a fan of Happy Endings.  And it won’t offer it’s girlfriend a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the first date, just because she isn’t “that kind of girl” . . .

Nope.  This is the kind of Teen Wolf  that shoots teddy bears in the heart with semi-automatic weapons  . . . who will steal the girl of your dreams, right out from under your nose.  This is the Teen Wolf who fights dirty . . . who’s mom will cut you in half, over a plate of cookies . . . who will throw you into the fire, because you tried to steal his bottle Jack Daniels . . .

Oh, Scott!  I remember when our biggest complaint about you was that you were kind of whiny, and your love scenes with Allison were boring / made  us a little nauseous.  Those were the Good Old Days . . .

Though “Panic Attack” wasn’t necessarily this show’s scariest episode (That award would probably go to the episode where all that crap came out of Jackson’s mouth, and poor Derek was gutted like a fish), and certainly wasn’t its goriest (HELLO!  The episode(s) where they showed Derek’s HALF-sister! EWWW!), I’d like to go on the record, and say it was definitely the show’s darkest installment.

So, hide your teddy bears, kiddies — because our hero is about to get the Worst Case of Wolf PMS . . .  EVER!

(Special thanks go out again to my Super Talented Werewolf Expert, and Screencap-Creating Pal, Andre, for most of the still images you see here.)

Dr. Jack Will Make You DIE, TONIGHT!

Interestingly enough, this entire opening scene could have doubled as One Long Ass Jack Daniels commercial . . . well, except for the DOUBLE HOMICIDE PART . . .

Last night, on True Blood, fans of the show were treated to the fabulousness that is Drunk Eric Northman.  This week on Teen Wolf, MTV continued the “Inebriation is AWESOME” trend, by rewarding us with an adorably Drunk Stiles.

I love that Stiles has chosen to don a “Drinking T-Shirt” for this momentous occasion.  Extra points for you, if you can tell me what his shirt says . . .

Here’s a closer look . . . I’ve seriously been driving myself nuts trying to figure this out.

Two nights have passed since our Scooby Gang had their little run-in with the Alpha.  This means it has also been two nights, since Allison kicked Scott to the curb for . . . ummm . . . lying and stuff.  If we’ve learned anything about Scott, in these past few episodes, we’ve learned that he‘s insanely self absorbed has a tendency to get a bit mopey, when things don’t go his way.  So, you just KNOW that Poor Stiles has had to listen to the Ballad of Scott’s Life Sucks Because Allison is Gone, pretty much on repeat, for the past 48 hours . . .

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“Nevermind the fact that you recently told me that you sometimes have the urge to MURDER ME.  Please, let’s talk more about YOU and your lame girlfriend problem . . .”

So, Stiles, being the completely undeserved awesome pal that he is, decides to do for Scott what all best buds do for pals, who just got kicked to the curb by their so-called soulmates.  He takes him out to some shady parking lot, to get him sh*t-faced, of course!

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But, alas, Scott’s newfound wolfishness has had the unintended side effect of making him the OPPOSITE of a cheap date.   And so it happens that Scott ends up stone cold sober, and still riding the WAHHHHHHH-mbulance of Dumpee-dom, while Stiles entertains us all with the joys of listening to him slur about how much he LOOOOOOOOOOVES a certain five-foot-three red-head named Lydia . . .

Ahhhhh, memories!

(See Scott?  It’s too bad you couldn’t have gotten yourself turned into a vampire, instead.  Vampires never have ANY trouble getting wasted, when a woman mistreats them . . .)

Case in point . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ little gab fest is unceremoniously interrupted, when two random dudes try to steal their booze. 

Oh, honey!  Didn’t you get the memo?  NO ONE over the age of 15 should wear their hats like that . . .

BAD MOVE!  Now Scott is ANGRY!  And you won’t like him when he’s ANGRY . . .

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“Give me the bottle of Jack,” growls Scott, in a voice that’s WAY sexier than his usual whining voice!

He also gets those trademark yellow eyes, I love so much.  The two random dudes are obviously turned on by him too, because they promptly hand back the liquor, and start scampering away like little b*tches.  Then Scott does something shocking:  HE BREAKS A STILL-HALF-FULL BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, ON PURPOSE!

Talk about a senseless waste of booze!  I mean, come on, Scott!  Don’t you realize that there are starving children in East Poorsitania (Yes, I made that up.  I didn’t want to risk offending anyone.) who don’t have ANY Jack Daniels to drink, when their girlfriends dump them.  Seriously . . . ungrateful much?

But that’s not all!  Soon after Scott and Stiles leave, the Alpha hunts down the Two Random Dudes and THROWS BOTH THEIR BODIES INTO A VAT OF FIRE . . . and all over a bottle of Jack. 

Clearly, THIS Guy is a graduate of the Stiles’ School of Acting Like a Bat . . .

Could you imagine if it was something more expensive (like,  for example, Johnnie Walker Blue).  What would the Alpha have done then?  Tied them up, and made them watch The Notebook eight times?

Parents Just Don’t Understand . . .

Pssst, Scott!  Wanna get out of taking that test?  Try the Running Your Thermometer Under Hot Water Trick.  So, what if she’s a nurse . . . Your Mom will never know the difference.

Parents on teen shows are usually so effed up and dysfunctional, that it’s refreshing to see Scott’s Mom and Stiles’ Dad both (so far) seem so kind, well-adjusted, and, let’s face it, normal.

Mommy tries to make Scott feel better about losing Allison, by recounting for him all the times that she’s met the business end of the dumping stick.  But, as you know, DENIAL is often the first stage of the grieving process.  And Scott is experiencing it BIG TIME, when he claims that he and Allison are just “on a break.”  And that he’s going to “get her back.”

We then get our first obligatory Shirtless Scott Shot of the episode, when he strips and heads toward the shower, offering us a near-identical image to the one we got of him doing this exact same thing in the Pilot episode . . .

At least we know he has good hygiene!

Another important thing to note about this scene (aside from the size of Scott’s pects), is the fact that the radio announcer on Scott’s alarm noted that local police are still on the lookout for Serial Killer Derek Hale. 

So much for telling a Harmless Little White Lie, because you didn’t know how else to explain that your friends were being STALKED BY A WEREWOLF, Scott!  *cough douchebag cough*

Terrified that his “sweet innocent” daughter will end up getting Little Red Riding Hooded, on the way to school, Papa Argent insists on driving Allison to Beacon Hills High, while Auntie Kate the Werewolf Slayer tries to keep the peace, while riding shotgun.  (On the message boards, many of you noted a weird sexual tension between Auntie Kate and Papa Argent.  Really?  What show do you think this is, Game of Thrones?) 

With Allison safely out of earshot, Papa A gives Auntie K the perfect opportunity to say “I told you so,” when he apologizes to her for underestimating the POWER OF THE ALPHA . . .

(Is it just me or does Papa A REALLY look like a pirate in this screencap?  “Arrrgh!  Walk the plank, Katey!  I want me GOLD!”)

Fortunately for Mr. Argent, Kate the Werewolf Slayer is WAY TOO hungry for “I told you so’s.”  She’d rather make a food run, instead.

OK . . . I take back what I said, these two are definitely doing the DEED .  . .

Hmmm . . . if Kate REALLY wants to make a McDonald’s run, it looks like she’s going to have to get out and PUSH THE CAR THERE . . .

In the SECOND sweetest, parent-child scene to come out of this episode (The first is yet to come), a very concerned Stiles warns his Dad to be careful when searching for the Alpha Derek.  Now, maybe it’s because he got hurt by the “mountain lion” a few episodes back.   But I have to say, all this emphasis on Stiles’ dad’s safety over the past few episodes has me REALLY WORRIED about his mortality on the show .  . .

Please don’t make Stiles an orphan, Papa S!  Or we will never get to see the inevitable storyline where you hook up with Scott’s Mom, and make funny, sarcastic babies, with really nice abs . . .

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3 .  . .

Lydia made a snide comment about Allison’s outfit in this scene, but has anyone checked out what Lydia is wearing?  Ummm ewwww!

At school, Needy Allison needs reassurance from Lydia that she did the “right thing” by dumping Scott.  Lydia plays her part, and agrees, “He locked us in a classroom, and left us for dead!”  She exclaims emphatically.  (Well, actually, he locked you in a classroom and then TRIED TO KILL YOU.  But, hey, there’s no need to be nitpicky about such small details.)  Interestingly enough, Lydia’s assessment of what happened on “School Night” will come into play later on in the episode.  So, try to keep it in mind . . .

In class, a rather Obsessed-Looking Scott tries to talk to Allison, but the Creepy Emo-Looking  Teacher Who Everybody Thinks is the Alpha (more on that later) makes him sit down, before he can do that.

What happens next is arguably the most telling aspect of the episode, in terms of how Scott’s connection with the Alpha works.  First, Scott begins to experience sensitivity to light and sound, something many of us (myself included) initially thought would happen to him ALL TIME, as a result of him being a werewolf.  However, in actuality, it only seems to occur during SPECIFIC times.

Then come the NEW TEST QUESTIONS . . .

Now, the simplest explanation for these hallucinations would be that the proximity to the Full Moon, coupled with recent events, have caused Scott’s psyche to play little tricks on him.  And yet, the hallucinations themselves seem SO SPECIFICALLY designed to upset Scott, and trigger his werewolf response, that we, as viewers, can’t help but wonder whether the Alpha is creating them.  This raises the interesting question, particularly in light of later events, of how close the psychic connection is between the Alpha and Scott? 

How much control does the Alpha have over the things Scott sees and the way he behaves?  (Later on in the episode, we will see another example of Scott’s hallucinations that may or may not be Alpha-induced.)  Of course, if we assume that it is the Alpha who is causing Scott to hallucinate in this way, than the most obvious culprit is the Emo-Looking Teacher . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little Stiles too!”

After all, he has the most access to Scott and the test, at this particular moment in time.  (Did I mention he’s really creepy?)  Then again, it could just as easily be any student in that classroom.  However, if the psychic connection between an Alpha an has pack has no limit in terms of distance, it could really be ANYBODY in Beacon Hills . .  .

You can run, but you can’t hide, Dog Boy!

When Scott rushes out of the class in Full-On Freak Out Mode, Emo-Looking Teacher doesn’t seem to surprised or upset.  He does, however, seem a bit perturbed when Stiles rushes out after him . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 263 (We Make Bathtime LOTS OF FUN!)

“Umm . . . Stiles .  . . I think I dropped the soap. (hint, hint)”

I love that Stiles knew IMMEDIATELY that Scott would head to the showers, at the first sign of a panic attack.   (I’m telling you, this Dude just LOVES getting naked and clean!)  “I can’t breathe, KISS ME, YOU FOOL!”  Scott exclaims, as he strikes yet another ridiculously sexually suggestive pose for his friend (and for the female viewers) . . .

Introducing Mr. July . . .

“Well, I’m still not sure whether Danny finds me attractive, but I’m starting to think that YOU do!”

Luckily for Scott, Stiles just happens to have Scott’s old inhaler handy . . . you know . . . the one he hasn’t used since the Pilot episode?  (Ummm . . . I love you, Stiles.  But that’s a little strange . . . even for you.)

After Scott is done blowing, Stiles explains to him that he didn’t actually NEED the inhaler.  Rather, Scott was having a panic attack, and THINKING that he needed the inhaler helped him snap himself out of it . . .

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(Two weeks ago, Stiles taught Scott what “sarcasm” was.  This week, he taught him “irony.”  Next week, I predict he will finally teach Scott how to read . . .)

In all seriousness though, Stiles is like, seriously, the Best Friend on the Planet who Scott doesn’t even begin to deserve.  And for this reason, when he started talking about how he suffered from panic attacks, after his Mom passed away, I must admit I got a little teary . .

OK . . . make that A LOT teary .  . .

Once Scott has calmed down some, Stiles explains to him that he’s not the first guy in the world to get dumped by a girl.   “It’s called heartbreak.  There are like TWO BILLION SONGS written about it,” he offers, quite rationally.

Scott responds, in a bit of a non-sequitur, that Stiles should lock him up the night of the Full Moon, because . . .

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Meanwhile, over at the Walmart of Guns . . .

Newsflash:  Allison’s Mom is Just as Batsh*t Crazy as the Rest of Her Family . . .

Andre helpfully pointed out to me that the hunter dude on the left is also one of the detectives, who was apparently at the school investigating the “Serial Killer Situation.”  How very convenient!

The Argent Hunters are having a little Pre-Full Moon pow wow.  Papa Argent notes that all the wolves, including the Alpha, are at their most vulnerable / nutty, during the Full Moon.  Therefore, this will be the best time to catch them.  Meanwhile Auntie Kate, who never met a weapon or a man she didn’t want to fondle, notes that, while the Alpha might be out during this precarious time, Sexy Derek wouldn’t be stupid enough to make such a rookie wolf mistake . . .

Was anyone else hoping her gun would accidentally go off, during this scene?  Because THAT would be hilarious.

Then Mama Argent, who, if you recall said BARELY A WORD, during her premiere episode, back when Scott came to the Argent’s house for dinner for the first time, creepily pops in, and randomly instructs her family to chop Derek in half, before offering the crew some homemade cookies laced with cyanide.

Break my Derek, and I’ll break your face, B*TCH!  (By the way, doesn’t this woman kind of look like a slightly older version of the main alien chick from that recently-canceled show, V?  Just sayin’)

Wanna Bite Me?

Back at school, Allison and Jackson are busy eating food off eachother’s faces, when Jackson echoes Lydia’s entirely self-serving comment that, YES, Allison did the TOTALLY RIGHT THING dumping Scott.  Jackson then shows Allison what a mature and evolved dude he is, by sucking his thumb . . .

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Allison unintentionally kills the mood a bit, by asking Jackson if she wants a bite of his food.  Of course, she intends the comment to be flirtatious HUSSY!.  However, Jackson, who is undoubtedly always subconsciously thinking about the NEVER EVER HEALING Derek Love Tap on the back of his neck, mishears her, and think she is asking him about his “bite.” 

Upon hearing the inquiry, the color drains from Jackson’s face, and he subconsciously starts rubbing his neck.  Actually, considering that what’s on Jackson’s neck is pretty obviously a SCRATCH, and not a bite, his reaction here is a bit strange.  (Then again, there is some evidence later on in the episode to suggests that Jackson might have initially had NO CLUE what Derek did to him.  So, maybe he thought it was a “bite” after all.)

Upon hearing Jackson and Allison flirting with his conveniently appearing and disappearing Super Wolf Senses, Scott, who is sitting in the locker area at the time, reacts by doing this . . .

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Well, SOMEONE is going to have a massive headache, tomorrow morning . . .

First Line and First SLIME!

Stiles gets the surprise is his life, when do the outbreak of some random illness amongst the lacrosse team, he gets selected (though they misspell his name, causing him to proudly refer to himself as “Biles”) to play First Line in the upcoming game . . .

You ever notice how Stiles is always puffing his cheeks out like this?  He must be REALLY good at blowing. 😉

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Oh, Come ON, Scott!  At least pretend to be excited for your friend, Ya DOUCHE!

Scott gets some good news too.  The Coach has suddenly decided to make him a Co-Captain, along with Jackson.  This announcement results in Jackson wetting his diaper, and crying for his Mommy . . .

Though Jackson and his cronies begin plotting to bring Scottie boy down, so that he will lose his new Position of Power, Nice Guy Danny sticks up Scott, reminding Jackson that he is a “good player.”

Hey Danny!  I don’t know you that well, but I already like you.  By the way, do you think Stiles is attractive?  Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Back on the bench, Mr. I Only Think About Myself Scott grumbles that he “smells jealousy.”  This prompts Stiles to wonder whether he can smell “other things” as well (Like farts?), like SEXUAL DESIRE!  (Actually, Stiles, I think MOST humans can smell that . . .)  Stiles then asks Scott to ask Lydia if she “likes him,” because, apparently, they are in fourth grade . . .  Nevertheless, Scott agrees to do this for his pal.  And Stiles is obviously appreciative of the gesture . . .

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So, remember how, when Allison asked Lydia if she thought she did the right thing, by dumping Scott, Lydia replied that Scott was basically a selfish bastard who left them all for dead?  Suddenly, when confronted with Scott in person, Lydia has distinctly changed her tune.  Now she’s all “you tried to protect us,”  and “Allison should be grateful.”


Something happens to Scott, at that moment.  He gets this EXTREMELY SEXY intense and mean look in his eyes, and he asks Lydia, if she is grateful for him.  She responds by cleaning his teeth with her tongue . . .

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Hey Scott?  Ever hear of the phrase, “BROS BEFORE HOS!”  Learn it . . . live it . . . BE IT!

To make matters even worse, when Scott returns to practice, he tell Stiles that Lydia is actually interested in him.  At which point Stiles turns around and punches Scott in the face.  Ooops, sorry.  That was what I WANTED TO DO to Scott at this point . . . Stiles believed his friend, and looked depressingly excited over the whole thing . . .

Lipstick on Your Face (Told a Tale on YOU!)

Just when it looks like we are in for another long boring lacrosse scene, things actually start to get interesting.  Two of Jackson’s cronies make good on their promise to get rid of him as Co-Captain, by deliberately knocking him down.  Scott then responds in kind, by knocking THEM down.  But then, he inexplicably does THIS . . . TO DANNY, the only guy on the Team, aside from Stiles, who was actually willing to give him the benefit of the doubt . . .

“I think I’m dying!  Before I go, please tell Stiles I think he’s attractive!  I can’t leave this Earth, without him knowing!”

Way to lose friends, and alienate people, Scott ASSHAT!

Oddly enough, the Coach looks eerily pleased by this whole course of events . . .

Was that an Alpha growl I heard come out of your mouth, Coach Cupcake?

Amidst all this, Lydia rushes onto the field with SEX HAIR, and blow job kissy face.  Her unusually disheveled appearance does not go unnoticed by Jackson . . . or Stiles for that matter . . .

Uh OH, Scott!  It looks like your lacrosse stick isn’t the ONLY long pointed object getting you in trouble, lately . . .

No Teddy Bears Were Harmed in the Making of This Scene . . .

Thankfully, Mr. Bear was wearing a bullet-proof vest, the ENTIRE TIME!

Most Cool Hip Aunts take their teenage nieces shopping to bond with them.  Auntie Kate opts instead for target practice on Winnie the Pooh! 😦

Wipe that smile off your face, MURDERER!

Not surprisingly, the anguish of shooting Mr. Bear causes Allison to break into tears.  (It’s OK, Allison.  I cried when you shot Mr. Bear too!)  Of course, Auntie Kate malevolently uses this tender moment to grill Allison on Scott and his relationship with Derek, since Allison unwittingly brought the latter’s name up, when discussing her Girl Pain . . .

“I know this is probably a bad time.  But do you think you could find out from Scott, if Derek thinks I’m attractive?  Because I would really like to lick him . . .”

Meanwhile, back at Asshat Scott’s house . . .

Lay Down with Scott, Wake up with Fleas (and probably crabs)

Sitting in the same chair, where Scott once found the Sexy Derek lying in wait for him . . .

Woah . . . they look really similar in these two shots!  I wonder if this was intentional . . .

 . . . Evil Scott contemplates EATING THE WORLD  . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles (who made a key to Scott’s house, which is either really sweet, or really stalkerish, I can’t decide which) is downstairs, chatting with Scott’s Mom (who is conveniently on her way to work) about all the “Lunatics” (get it, LUNA . . . as in MOON?) who lurk in the shadows on Full Moon nights . . .

“Oh, LUNATICS . . . like your son!”

Stiles quickly heads upstairs, and instructs Scott to chain himself to the radiator, in response to the impending Full Moon.  Mr. Resourceful even came with his OWN chains, for this very purpose.  But when Scott refuses, Stiles takes the initiative, and DOES IT FOR HIM!

“That was for MAKING OUT WITH LYDIA!” Stiles remarks, as he stomps out of the room.

HELL YEAH, STILES!  YOU TEACH THAT BASTARD NOT TO MESS WITH HIS BESTIE!

Stiles isn’t done torturing Scott yet.  He later returns with a DOGGY BOWL that has his friend’s name written on it in Magic Marker.  It’s actually pretty hilarious . . .

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But when Stiles leaves, and Scott starts boo hooing and whining to be let go, you can see that it effects our Sweet Boy Wonder . . .

Poor Guy!  (You should really consider neutering your dog.  Think of all the problems it could solve!)

Unfortunately, for Stiles, all it takes is for him to run downstairs for a minute.  And by the time he returns, a VERY WOLFED OUT SCOTT IS GONE!

Oops!  (He should have put one of those shock collars on him to keep him on the property!)

Meanwhile . . .

Blah, Blah, Jackson and Allison, Blah . . . Hey, DEREK’S BACK!  YEAH!

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YEAH BABY!  YEAH!

So, Allison and Jackson meet in a sporting goods store.  They flirt.  They decide to go back to the car together to TALK about what happened to them and zzzzzzzzzzz.  Apparently, neither of them believe Scott’s story that Derek was the one stalking them at the school.  Rather, they both seem to think their assailant was a man /beast amalgamation . . .

That kind of looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine . . .”

Allison and Jackson begin talking intently with one another.  And though they are clearly both doing “the lean,” this doesn’t seem to be a Pre-Makeout talk, if you catch my drift . . .

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And yet, Wolf Scott, in, what some might assume to be YET ANOTHER Alpha-induced hallucination sees these two going at it like . . . well like HE AND LYDIA were going at it, earlier in the day!  *cough douchebag cough*  So, he wolfs out, and jumps on top of the car.  But just when he’s about to pound through its roof, and kill Jackson . . .

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Derek Hale emerges from the darkness and SAVES THE DAY!  YIPPEE!

Back in the human form, Captain Obvious Scott admits to The Guy He Made into a Number One Murder Suspect that he cannot date Allison because he is too dangerous of a mother f*&ker to have a girlfriend.  Derek agrees, and reveals some VERY INTERESTING information.  As it turns out, there’s a CURE to werewolfism-by-bite, and it’s SUPRRISE: KILLING THE WOLF THAT BIT YOU!

OK, Derek . . . now, I love you more than life itself, but talk about BURYING THE LEAD.  For WEEKS, you have wanted Scott to help you kill the Alpha.  And for WEEKS, he’s basically ignored you.  Don’t you think THIS would have been persuasive information you could have used to get him to join your Kill Alpha Team from DAY ONE?

I’m sorry, Derek!  But it had to be said.  Please don’t let our little disagreement influence your decision to, one day, have hot animal sex with me. 

Later, Jackson finds one of Scott’s wolfy claws in his lacrosse glove, and FINALLY starts to piece together what Derek did to him, and what Scott is . . .

It’s about damn time!

Elsewhere, Kate begins to wonder whether Derek has a YOUNGER SMALLER Beta IT’S SCOTT!   IT’S SCOTT! wolf running around with him . . .

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You didn’t honestly think I’d end this recap without at least ONE shirtless Derek picture, did you?

Oh, and I almost forgot, Stiles saw someone getting pulled out in a stretcher, after the whole Scott incident, and thought his dad had been KILLED!

But, it was SOMEONE ELSE’S DAD!  Papa Stiles is just FINE!

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(OK . . . I wrote that in a really mean way.  But, seriously, this was the most touching father / son moment EVER!)

And that was “Panic Attack” in a nutshell.  So . . . what did you think?  Are you a fan of Evil Scott?  (I AM . . . at least in terms of Posey’s darker, more layered portrayal of him.  I think he does a suprisingly nice job of it, especially considering I was dubious about his acting skills, up to this point.) 

Are you on the Jackson / Allison ship?  The Scott  / Lydia one?  Are you loving Stiles more and more every week, like I am?  Do you wish Derek rescued Allison and Jackson, while shirtless?  Oh . . . and who do you think is the Alpha?

I think I’ve left you enough questions to ponder between now and next Monday night, don’t you?  See you next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Survival of the Fang-iest – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Night School”

“Do you like Scary Movies Television Episodes?  Because, you are in one, Stiles!”

You know those movies, where there’s this ragtag bunch of teenagers, who get trapped in the same building as a serial killer?  So, they scream, cry, make pop culture references, and run around a lot, while they wait for the killer to casually pick them off, one by one, in increasingly creative ways?

That’s sort of how this episode felt for me . . .  well, aside from the fact that the “serial” killer was this cheesy-looking, red-eyed, wolfy sort of thing, and none of the main characters actually died.  But, you get the idea . . .

Aside from serving as a fun-little tribute to the old-school teen slasher movies of the nineties, this week’s installment of Teen Wolf also marked a shift in the relationships between the main characters.  FINALLY, our Scooby Gang (and, I suspect, many viewers) have stopped hero-worshipping Scott.  This week, our so-called hero gladly embraced that selfish wolfy douchiness that always seemed to lurk beneath the surface of his “Gee golly, I’m just so darn sweet and naive,” persona.

Don’t worry Scott!  We still think you’re pretty . . . a pretty douchebag  . . . but pretty, nonetheless.

Also, this week kicked off the start of the Game of Couples’ Musical Chairs that always plays such a big role in every teen drama.  Because, let’s face it, monogamy is for OLD PEOPLE!

Sorry Stiles!  You STILL aren’t getting laid any time soon .  . .

And, of course, this week was the week that all of our characters’ FINALLY woke up and smelled the werewolf sweat.  Yes, boys and girls, that weird thing attacking you every week is not a mountain lion . . . not even close!

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  It’s time to get SLASHED!

Stiles and Scott are in the Closet (SURPRISE!)

“Uhhh . . . Scott ?”

“Yeah, Stiles?”

“Is that your hand on my hot dog, or are you just happy I’m not the Alpha?”

When we last left our terrible twosome, they were both seen racing for shelter in the high school, after coming face-to-face with a hungry Alpha, who may or may not have made Scott’s boss disappear, and who definitely did gut Derek McSexyPants like a fish, right before their very eyes!

“Hey, Scott!  Look what I caught us for dinner!  I’ve been told by Aunt Kate  that he tastes just like chicken.”

The pair pull the heavy double doors shut behind them.  However, they know they just can’t stand there holding them closed, forever!  Eventually, Alpha is GOING to overpower them, and come inside to play.  So, Stiles gets an idea.

From the window, he sees an object, located just a few feet away, that might just hold the doors closed long enough for the teens to seek shelter inside the school.  (At first I thought it was a pair of pliers, but it could very well have been a wrapped up jump rope.)  Whatever it was, Stiles boldly manages to get outside, retrieve the object, and fasten it to the door, just moments before the Alpha has a chance to get into the school.   (PHEW!  Except . . . well . . . the Alpha gets inside, a few moments later, anyway . . . so . . . so much for that.)

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot.  Remember Stiles’ trusty car?  The one he rarely gave Scott a ride in, even though the latter spent like the first five episodes, commuting on that dorky bike of his? 

Well, apparently, the Alpha remembered too.  And it made him MAD!

“Hey Stiles!  Guess who’s taking a big Alpha-sized dump on your car?  I hope you have a good air freshener!”

The episode’s first unofficial victim is claimed, when the Alpha DESTROYS the roof of Scott’s car, and tosses its battery through the window of the school, so it lands just feet away from where Scott and Stiles are hiding.

(It looks like it might be SOMEBODY ELSE’S turn to use a bike, huh?)

Not wanting to see what other strange objects the Alpha will toss at their heads, Scott and Stiles decide to enter a locker (possibly together).  *insert porn music here* 

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The only problem is that the mean night-shift janitor finds them in there.  I’m thinking this janitor must be deaf, as he has apparently not heard, the BREAKING OF GLASS AS THE CAR BATTERY CAME THROUGH THE SCHOOL WINDOW, nor has he heard all the GROWLING AND SCREAMING THAT HAS TAKEN PLACE DURING THE SHOW’S FIRST TEN MINUTES.  Rather, Mr. Janitor simply assumes that Scott and Stiles are nothing more than two crazy kids who wanted to have sex in a locker (Those darn kids!).  So, he kicks their asses out!

Best peep show ever!

He’ll pay for that!  In about five minutes, the Janitor has been attacked by the Alpha, who is now dragging the poor wage-earner’s lifeless body across the cheap linoleum floor.  Something tells me this high school is going to be VERY dirty tomorrow.

Stiles and Scott continue to be stalked by the Alpha, until they manage to trap it in a storage closet of some sort.  However, eventually the Alpha crawls up the ceiling vents and escapes, leaving the boys on the run, once again.

Hey Allison!  I’m getting stalked by an Evil Beast!  It’s SUPER FUN!  Come join me!

“Hi, you’ve reached Scott’s phone!  I’m in the closet with Stiles now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you back as soon as we both come out.”

So, remember after Bowling Night, when Allison promised Scott that their next date would be a solo affair?  Apparently, Allison doesn’t either, because, here she is, waiting to meet up with a seriously tardy Scott, as serial double daters, Jackson and Lydia impatiently tap their feet.

LYDIA:  “Why don’t you sit in the car and wait?  It’s much warmer here on Jackson’s lap!”

JACKSON: “You know, if you and I had sex in the back of my car right now, Scott and Lydia would never have to find out.”

LYDIA: “I’m right here .  . . you know!

Jackson: ” . . . “

But then, Allison gets a text from “Scott” saying that he is at the school.  So, off they go!  (Can you say, “WHIPPED?”)  When the threesome arrive at the school, conditions look super-shady, and the front door looks broken into (Gee, I wonder why?)  And yet, Allison (who, for someone genetically predispositioned to be a hunter, has NO self-preservation instinct, WHATSOEVER), decides it would be totally safe to go in there, anyway. 

Jackson (who is looking significantly hotter this week . . . perhaps, due to the surprising lack of zombie makeup he is wearing, and/or a dearth of claws coming out of his mouth)  uses this as an opportunity to eye f*&K Allison to near-pregnancy, right in front of his girlfriend (NOT COOL!), while still pretending to be “super concerned” for her well-being. 

And yet, I notice Mr. Puny Pants never offers to go into the school with her.  (Girlfriend Stealer, FAIL!)  Nonetheless, Allison (who is sort of slutty, anyway), definitely seems receptive to Alpha Male Douchebag’s flirtations.  It must be because of that extra special “heart-to-heart” they shared in front of the lockers, last week.

Allison returns the eye f*&k to Jackson, and with her best “Come hither” stare, tells him, “I’ll be right back.”

Woah!  What’s with the clown makeup, and the fish face?  Not exactly a great look for you, honey.  Fortunately, Jackson and Scott both only seem to stare at your chest . . .

Silly Allison!  Have you NEVER seen the Scream movies (or any horror movie, for that matter).  Don’t you know that those words are the Kiss of Death?

Famous last words, and adulterous eye f*&king aside, this episode featured the most likeable version of Jackson we’ve probably seen, since the series premiered.  Gone were the cocky posturing . . . the zombie death stare . . . and the Big Bully attitude.  This week, Jackson was just a boy with a crush on a girl, who just so happened to be taken . . . oh, and a nasty wolf hickey on his neck.  But hey . . . nobody is perfect, right?

Bodily Functions and Skinny Dips

Speaking of neck hickeys, Jackson and Lydia notice that not only is Stiles car TOTALLY TOTALED, it also has weird scratch marks on its surface . . . scratch marks that are remarkably similar to the ones on the back of Jackson’s neck . . .

I’m not sure whether Stiles’ car insurance covers WOLF MAULINGS . . .

FINALLY, Jackson and Lydia decide to go in and retrieve Allison, but only because Lydia needs the bathroom.  (What a sweet, caring couple these two are!  It’s like a Hallmark card in the making.) 

Jackson grumbles at Lydia for having the gall to interrupt his hot Allison-centric fantasy with her human need to pee.  Lydia makes some remark about not being able to control her bodily functions, which sounds like an invitation to sex, if I ever heard one.  In response, Jackson notes that he is starting to have a problem with ALL of her bodily functions.  (Guess the sex is really boring between these two bloom is finally off the rose on this, let’s face it, never-particularly-hot romantic pairing.)

While Lydia is exploring her bodily functions, Jackson gets an eye-full, but not in a way he expects or hopes . . .

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“Grandma?”

Meanwhile, Allison is contemplating going for a swim . . .

Personal Question:  Do (or did) you guys have Olympic-sized swimming pools at your high school?  Because I didn’t.  And, honestly, the outdoor set they use for Beacon Hills High School on this show looks too small to have one either . .  .

“Oh, HI ALPHA!  I almost didn’t notice you there!  Look at you, always SMILING!  What a Happy Little Predator you are!”

But, I digress . . .

Allison is at the pool, when she gets a call from “Stiles,” or, rather, Scott, who is using Stile’s phone.  (This, of course, got me wondering when Allison became tight enough with Stiles to get his digits.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of these two being buddies.  I just always thought Allison was too busy tonguing Scott all the time, to notice sweet little Stiles.   Perhaps, she took his number, after Scott “lost his phone?”

Reunited and it Feels So . .  . AHHHHHH!  RUNNNNNN!

Using his Big Ole Wolf Ears, Scott is actually able to hear Allison’s phone ringing by the pool, and quickly realizes that she is in the school with him!  As it turns out, SCOTT wasn’t actually the one who texted Allison about coming to the school . . . ALPHA did!

(which confuses me, because I thought Scott’s cell phone has been broken all this time, thanks to Derek SLAMMING IT INTO A WALL . . . perhaps, the Alpha works for Verizon)

Scott instructs Allison to meet him in the school lobby, ASAP.  And it is there that the entire Scooby Gang is reunited.   (YAY!  Now, they can all die together!  BONDING EXPERIENCE!)

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Every man’s dream . . .

Unfortunately, the Scooby Gang’s “Happy Reunion” is short-lived.  Soon the group’s ears are bombarded with creepy scratching sounds emmanating from the ceiling of the school, presumably coming from the vents.  MAN, this Alpha gets AROUND!

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Adorably, the group all grab hands and run together into a chemistry lab.  Thinking fast, or rather, not thinking much at all, they all start rushing to bar the doors from the Alpha’s inevitable entrance with anything they can get their hands on. 

Not surprisingly, it’s Stiles who kindly reminds them, “Gee, that’s great, but what about the HUGE WALL OF WINDOWS on the other side of the room that were seemingly made specifically for Alpha entrance.

Ta-da!”

There will be plenty of time to worry about Death By Window-Breaking Alpha later.  For now, the Scooby Gang wants answers from Scott as to what the heck is going on.  They want the TRUTH!

However, since Scott has decided that his buddies “can’t handle the truth,” he decides to LIE . . .

 . . .  and blame all the murders that have taken place, in addition to the school stalking, on Poor Derek McSexyPants!

Even Stiles, who has never been a particualrly big fan of Derek’s, thinks this is a TOTAL DICK MOVE! 

There isn’t much time to discuss it though.  The Scooby Gang has bigger fish to fry . . . like, for example, whether Scott and Stiles have tried calling the cops yet.  Stiles has the answer to that question!  (And it doesn’t even involve throwing a friend under the bus!  Go figure!)

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Think Tank for Dummies .  . .

 Earlier, Scott was under (rightly) fire, because the rest of the Gang (most notably Allison) seemed skeptical about the whole “Derek as Cold Blooded Killer” idea.  Now, it is Stiles’ turn to face the Inquisition, as HE seems to be the one patently against calling the cops.  Why, you ask?  Because he was worried about Papa Stiles getting hurt again, that’s why!

The family that eats curly fries together . . . stays together.

Despite Stiles’ protests, Lydia pulls out her cell phone and calls the cops, herself.  And get this . . . they DON’T BELIEVE HER!  Apparently, someone *cough the Alpha cough* “warned” the police that someone might be prank calling them about a disturbance at the high school.  Now the Gang is crap out of luck.  Or are they?

Jackson suggests that Stiles call his dad, PERSONALLY.  Again, Stiles balks.  Then, Jackson starts dissing on Stiles’ dad.  BAD MOVE, JACKSON!

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YEAH!  Way to GO STILES!  Look who’s got a kick ass RIGHT HOOK!

Always a sucker for a weenie, Allison of course, rushes to comfort the wimpering Jackson . .  .

Now, it’s Scott’s turn to have an idea!  (Honestly, I didn’t know he was capable of original thought.)

He’s going to go get the key to the back door of the lab off of Dead Janitor, so the Scooby Gang can escape!

This worries Allison, who, of course, doesn’t know Scott is a wolf, and therefore thinks he will be purposefully putting himself in the Alpha “Derek’s” crosshairs completely unarmed (which, lets face it, he basically will be).  More importantly, Allison can tell that Scott is TOTALLY lying about why he ended up at the school in the first place, and what exactly the group is running from. 

*sings* “Babe, I love you so . . . and I want you to know . . . that I’m . . . gonna miss your love . . . the minute you walk out that door.  PLEASE DON’T GO!”

Jackson absolutely gets off on the fact that his future girl toy, Allison, thinks her soon-to-be old boyfriend is a Big Fat Liar . . .

Currently having a wet dream about Allison . . .

However, he’s considerably less happy about THIS . . .

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After Allison extracts her tongue from Scott’s mouth, she warns him not to approach the Alpha unarmed.  Scott finds a stick of some sort to use against the creature that GUTTED DEREK HALE, and apparently thinks that will suit him just fine.  (DOOFUS!)  Fortunately, Lydia has a better idea . . .

Considering the group is in a science lab, why not make a Molotov Cocktail to BLOW UP THE ALPHA!   (Well, I have to say, Lydia, I’m impressed with your Science Geekdom / Hidden Pyromaniacal Tendencies.)  Jackson wasn’t as impressed though.  He hates the fact that he has a girlfriend that might be smarter than he is.  That’s why he wants to date Allison . . . because she’s so much better at playing dumb, than Lydia. 

*giggles*

Speaking of playing dumb, how many of you think that Jackson INTENTIONALLY “forgot” to give Lydia one of the ingredients she asked for to make the Molotov Cocktail, so that Scott’s attempt at making the Alpha go BOOM ended up being a TOTAL BUST?

THIS GUY apparently thinks so!

Useless Molotov Cocktain in hand, Scott heads to the locker room where he last saw the Unfortunate Janitor.  Except, apparently the Janitor has pulled a Weekend at Bernies’ on Scott,  and has decided instead to wait for him on the bleachers in the gym . . .

Scott and Alpha = Love at First Hump!

Kiss me, you fool!”

Scott quickly (and oh-so-conveniently) immediately finds the right key, and “borrows” it from Dead Janitor.  Unfortunately, our so-called Hero is not alone with the Dead Guy.  He’s got company!

“Hey SCOTT!  Let’s shoot some hoops, buddy!  I’ve got a stellar jump shot!”

Alpha is apparently pretty tech-savvy, because he figures out the mechanism that gets the bleachers to close in on Scott . . .

With no where to run . . . and nowhere to hide, Scott, eventually finds him face to face with the Alpha . . . LITERALLY.  With his hot skanky Dead Janitor breath, Alpha emits a low growl, which immediately causes Scott to wolf out and GO EVIL!  Now, he’s heading back to the chemistry lab with his newfound key  . . . and a KILLER INSTINCT!

BAD SCOTT!  Stop TRYING TO EAT YOUR FRIENDS or there will be no doggy treats for you!

We’ve seen Scott like this before, so there’s no big shock here.  What is more shocking is that Jackson seems to react to the howl too.  He doesn’t wolf out, or anything.  However, he DOES double over in pain, as his Derek-provided neck hickey flares up once again.  (I’m still not sure where they are going with this whole “Jackson Thing.”  But I’m defintiely  intrigued by it.)

“Ummm . . . guys?  I think I just pooped my pants.”

Wolfman Scott is ready to attack, when he starts having an Allison Montage in his brain *gag*, and reverts back to normal . . . (PHEW!  That was close.)

And They All Lived Miserably Ever After . . .

Right on cue, the Most Useless Cops in the World (Aren’t they ALWAYS USELESS in these types of shows and movies?) arrive on the scene.  The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .

“PEEKABOO!  We see YOU!”

Once safely outside of the school, Scott and Stiles attempt to tell Papa Stiles about Dead Janitor and, possibly, Dead Derek, but Papa Stiles, of course, doesn’t believe them. 

DADDY FAIL!

And why should he?  The cops already inspected the inside of the school and the parking lot, and there are NO DEAD BODIES TO BE FOUND!

You know who HAS BEEN FOUND, however?  The Creepy Uber Suspicious Vet, who was “magically” able to escape the Alpha because they are obviously working together, and keeps slyly remarking on what a “hero” Scott is for “saving his life.”

Then Allison randomly decides to dump Scott, because she is bored of their nauseatingly sweet relationship and would rather bone Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, for a change doesn’t think he’s been completely honest about the whole Homicidal Maniac / Creature of Doom Stalking Him at School Thing.  And that means, “She can’t trust him.”

“Awwww!  Come on, Allison!  Did you not see that beautiful super cheesy montage I had of you, that kept me from murdering all your friends?  Have you no taste for romance?”

To make matters even worse, Scott then decides to confide in Stiles about the Alpha’s true intention.  He (or she) wants Scott as part of his pack, but not until SCOTT kills his OLD PACK, which includes . . . wait for it . . . Stiles, Allison, Jackson (HUH?  REALLY?) and Lydia (Ummm . . . no?).

Wait . . . but that’s not even the worst part!  The WORST PART, is that AS A WOLF, Scott actually WANTED TO EAT ALL HIS FRIENDS . . . and Jackson. 🙂

Awwww!  Don’t cry, Stiles!  I’ll protect you!

So, in short, everybody finishes off this episode worse off than when they started . . . well . .  . almost everybody.

“WEEEEE!  I’m the KING OF THE WORLD!”

And that was Night School, in a nutshell!  (Special thanks to Andre again for the awesome screencaps!)

So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers . . .   What did you think of this episode?  How unintentionally hilarious  / cheesy is the Alpha . . .  and who the heck is it?  Why do YOU think Allison really dumped Scott?  What do you think Stiles is going to do, now that he knows that his bestie sort of / kind of wants to eat him (and not in a good way)?  And, most importantly, will Derek come back shirtless to rescue us all?

Tune in next week, to find out!  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

A Real “Nail-Biter” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Heart Monitor”

This is WAY better than the original.  Don’t you think?  And yet, oddly enough, it communicates the same message.

Oh my dear Werebangers!  I hope you didn’t eat too much July 4th barbecue meat, before watching this week’s installment of Teen Wolf.  Boy, was it nasty!  There were things coming out of characters’ mouths that should NEVER come out of ANYONE’S mouth!  And no, I am not just talking about Professor Cupcake’s rants about the Youth of America, and Scott’s Drowning Cat Howl . . .

Don’t worry, Kitty!  No cats were harmed in the making of this episode.  Wolves, on the other hand . . .

Hold on to your lunches, folks!  Because this recap is NOT for the weak of tummy . . .

(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the fabulous screencaps you see here. ;))

Why the Lord Invented “Vibrate Mode” for your Cell Phone .  . .

Run Forest Creature, RUN!

Have you ever noticed how nearly EVER slasher film features a scene that takes place in a public indoor parking lot at nighttime?  Talk about negative advertising!  The next time I have to go to one of these places alone, I’m wearing a bullet proof vest and a hockey mask.  Just sayin’.

Armed and ready . . . to shop.

When the episode opens, Scott is returning to his mom’s car, toting a truckload of groceries. (In hindsight, this is probably the one time when his trusty bike would have actually been HELPFUL!  Go figure!)  I actually find it kind of odd that, in a mid-sized suburban town like Beacon Hills, the grocery store doesn’t have it’s OWN parking lot.  But I digress . . .

“Hmmm . . .  I probably should have asked for paper instead of plastic.”

The poor dipsh*t can’t find his car!  He searches level 4, where he thinks he parked, and doesn’t see it.  Then he goes down to level 3.  Still .  . . no car.  (I’d be embarrassed to tell you how many times this has happened to me.  Hint, more times than I can count on my hands.)  So, Scott clicks his keys, and hears his car open.  As it turns out, it’s on level 4, after all.  Scott puts down his bags to take a breather, and out rolls the milk

Don’t cry over clawed milk!

(Now, Scott, WHY would you buy such a tiny milk for you and your Mommy?  That’s not even enough liquidy goodness for your breakfast cereal!  Someone needs to learn about Family Values!)  Then, before Scott can grab the milk, it rolls back to him  (Now, that’s convenient!)  . . . only this time, it’s got CLAW MARKS IN IT!

Scott hears a wolfy growl.  He runs away, seeking shelter behind a nearby car . . .

“Mom’s going to be REALLY pissed about that milk!  I paid 99 cents for that bottle, dammit!  Stupid Alpha!”

Figuring that it’s only a matter of time before the wolf finds him (they are, after all, on the same floor), Scott gets an idea . . .

Rather than running BEHIND the cars, Scott decides to run ON TOP OF THEM.  This, Scott suspects, will have the impact of setting off all the car alarms on the floor of the parking garage, which will, hopefully throw the wolf off his scent.  And THEN . . . Scott’s cell phone goes off. 

Talk about a BAD time for a booty call.  The minute Scott’s phone LOUDLY announces Allison’s phone call, “the wolf” lifts Scott up by the scruff of his neck, and announces to him “you’re dead.”

But fear not, Teen Wolf fans.  It’s JUST Derek!

Teehee!  Oh, that Derek!  He’s such a kidder!  He just wanted to teach Scott A LESSON.  He didn’t really want to GUT HIM LIKE A FISH yet.

“It was either this, or put a whoopee cushion on your bicycle seat.”

Scott begs Derek to teach him how to be a better wolf.  Derek replies that maybe if Scott wasn’t having phone sex with Allison all the time, he might be more focused.

To prove it, Derek tosses Poor Scott’s phone on the floor, CRUSHING IT!

But does Scott wolf out?  Nope.  He just whines like a b*tch.  Someone needs some serious WEREWOLF BOOTCAMP, STAT!  Scott ultimately promises Derek that he will stay away from Allison, until the Full Moon.

So, of course . . .

Scott Goes Back in the Closet (Ha Ha Ha)

Allison: “My, what perky nipples you have, Scott!”

Scott: “The better to poke you with my dear, Allison.”

Cut to the next night.  Scott’s at Allison’s house practicing the horizontal mambo with her.  In the background, Lykka Li’s song “Get Some,” blasts from a stereo nearby.  TVD fans might remember this song as the one Katherine danced to, at Alaric’s house, during the episode “Klaus.” 

“Eat your heart out, Teen Wolf!”

As she has pretty much done since the start of their relationship, Allison assumes the dominant position during Sexy Times with Scott.  She is always the aggressor . . . always on top.  She even goes as far as to ask the undoubtedly virginal Scott if it’s OK if she takes off his clothes . . .

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It’s still kind of hot though.   I realized something about Scott and Allison this week.  I like them a whole lot better as a couple when they AREN’T TALKING. 

Uh oh!  It’s coitus interruptus time!  Auntie Kate a.k.a Kate the Werewolf Slayer has arrived.  Into the closet you go, Scott!  (I suspect this is a place that is pretty familiar to you.)  Auntie wants to know what Allison’s been doing in her room “alone.”

“SCOTT!”  Allison replies.  (Just kidding!)  Conveniently, Allison has a history project she can pretend to be completing.  SURPRISE!  It’s a family history project!

“Mwah hahaha!  She has fallen into my evil trap!  My little niece will be shooting Scooby Doo in no time!”

“Golly gee, Allison . . . if you REALLY need help on your family history project, I guess I can help you,” Auntie Kate replies, before pulling up the website she has memorized by heart, and launching into the Your Family Tree oral report she has been reciting in front of her Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Who’s the Biggest Badass of them All?) ever since Baby Allison made her first poop.

Kudos to the Teen Wolf writers for actually utilizing a genuine werewolf legend in developing the Argent family history.  It’s called the Beast of Gevaudan, and you can read about it by clicking here.

Awww, how cute!  I think I’ll call it Fluffy!

Long story, short.  There was supposedly this wolf-like creature that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan in the late 1700’s.  Some of Allison’s ancestors hunted it down.  The rest, as they say, is werewolf slayer history.  Scott, who is listening to this from the inside of his cubby hole, needless to say, is less than amused that Allison is learning her roots.  She dominates him enough, as it is!

“Awww man!  Now she’s probably going to want do all that S&M sh*t!  No me gusta!”

Once the coast is clear, Scott jumps out of Allison’s window, and miraculously lands on his feet.  But because Allison had “eight years of gymnastics” and can do the same thing with her eyes closed, she doesn’t think anything of Scott’s super human jumping abilities.  She’s not even impressed enough to let him be on top, for a change.

“P-shaw!  Amateur!”

The Alpha Gives Scott an Art Lesson

Oooh . . . . SO PRETTY!  (And WAY cooler than the happy faces I always draw on MY car window.)

Pretty much as soon as Allison closes her window, Scott hears a rumbling in the bushes.  He assumes it’s Derek, because Derek seems to like to hide in the bushes and peep on other dudes.  (So does Jackson, we will later learn.)  And, can I just say, HOTTEST STALKER EVER!  Scott starts mumbling some excuse about how he had to see Allison because he had a really bad case of blue balls, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 . . . when, suddenly, he hears a very non-Derek like growl.  Scott runs to his car.  (Clearly, the writers heard my complaints about the bike, because it is nowhere to be seen in this episode.)  The Alpha approaches the car.  He sticks out his claw . . . and he . . . DRAWS CURLICUES!

Terrifying . . . I know!

Scott says the curlicue drawing makes him MAD!  He assumes this is because he is FEELING THE ALPHA’S FEELINGS.  But I think it’s just because the douchey Alpha messed up his mom’s car window.  (Those “drawings” leave streaks, you know!)

In all seriousness, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen the curlicue . . .

We saw it around Derek’s sister’s burial plot.

We’ve seen it on the photographs of dead animals in the area.

We saw it on the roof of the video store, the night the Alpha attacked Jackson.  And, my personal favorite . . .

Derek’s back has not one . . . not two . . . but THREE curlicues!

When Scott arrives back at his home, who should be sitting there, but Derek!  (I guess he’s just making up for NOT stalking Scott outside.)

“If this is a slumber party, I fully expect you to paint my were-claws purple!”

Like a best gal pal, after a date, or Stiles, Derek is SUPER eager to learn what Alpha said to Scott in the car.  But when Scott tells him about the curlicue, Derek gets all awkward and uncomfortable.  He says Scott “[doesn’t] want to know” what the curlicue signifies.  Now . . .  as a brooding hottie, Derek gets an A plus . . . but as a Werewolf Bootcamp Counselor . . . he FAILS BIG TIME! 

Sorry Sexy!   The truth hurts, sometimes.

Yoda Stiles and Scott Wolfwalker

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At school, Scott is wandering around the halls like a mental patient, mumbling to himself “Stay away from, Allison.”  Good move, Scott!  Keep acting like that, and NO girls will want to go anywhere near you.  Eventually, he heads to class, where Bestie Stiles is giving him the silent treatment, for pretty much being the cause of his dad almost getting mauled by a wolf, after the parent-teacher conferences. 

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“I’m so mad at Scott, I could eat my own tongue.”

If Scott knows anything, it’s how to get Stiles talking.  And all it takes is for Scott to imply that Derek is currently in the running to replace Stiles as the Robin to his Batman, and Stiles is frantically begging his bestie to reconsider.

“Why DEREK?  Do you think he’s more attractive than me?  Do you think DANNY thinks that?”

Ultimately Stiles decides that HE should be the one to teach Scott how to channel his inner wolf . . . because . . . you know . . . he’s Stiles . . . and he rocks.  He also does a really kickass impression of Yoda, squeaky backwards-talking puberty voice and all.  I mean, you know what they say, those who wolf DO, those who Stiles teach . . .  OK . . . nobody says that.  But you get what I’m saying, right?

Meanwhile, Allison and Lydia are girl-talking.  Well, at least, they would be, if Allison wasn’t busy boring Lydia with her Big Bad Wolf versus Little Red Argent Story.

“OMG, Lydia!  My family is in this old smelly book.  You should be SOOOO jealous of me.”

Except, when Allison shows her the PICTURE of the wolf her family supposedly killed, Lydia is suddenly not-so-bored anymore.  She’s FREAKED THE F*&K out!

“Psst!  Hey, Lydia!  Remember me?  It’s Alpha . . . from the video store?  Would you, maybe, wanna go out sometime . . . like . . . on a date?”

“Not exactly the response I was looking for . . . but . . . OK.”

Put the STRAP ON, Scott!  I want to hit you with my balls!

“I’m going to make your heart race, Scott!  YES, I AM!”

Stiles has a pretty good plan for helping Scott to control his wolf.  Ever learn about biofeedback in psychology class?  The concept is that if you can SEE how your biological processes work, you can learn to control them.  So, Stiles wisely figures that if he monitors Scott’s heartrate, he can learn WHAT triggers Scott’s anger, enabling Scott to control his anger, thereby controlling his inner wolf. 

“I’m a GENIUS!”

Stiles’ first Anger Management class for Scott conveniently involves him “strapping on” a heart monitor, while his wrist are tied to his back.   Did I mention Stiles would be repeatedly tossing BALLS AT HIM?

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Those of you who were annoyed last week by Scott’s and Allison’s mushy gushy lovey doveyness probably got some cheap thrills out of seeing Scott get BALLED in the nuts a few times.  You know who else got a thrill out of it?  THIS GUY . . .

“I wish I could do that with MY balls.”

Umm . .. yeah . . . Jackson is apparently an honors graduate of the Derek Hale School of Broody Smouldering and Stalking.  Did I mention that he suddenly looks like an extra from The Walking Dead?  So, far, I can’t figure out whether Jackson’s “side effects” are the result of some strain of were-rabies, brought about by Derek’s Love Tap, a few weeks back . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time!

 . . . or if Jackson is merely suffering some SERIOUS PTSD from his Alpha encounter in the video store, LAST WEEK.  Whatever it is, Jackson’s mirth turns to fear, when he sees that Scott has taken one too many balls to the brain, and has started to shift, ripping off the duct tape on his arms, in a single pull.  He overhears Scott say that Allison “makes him weak,” so he can’t be around her anymore.

“I’ll have what HE’S having . . . On second thought, maybe not.”

El Creepo then follows the Scott and Stiles to the locker room, where they continue their discussion of werewolfing and Allison.  They soon leave because Jackson, apparently, smells like death.  So, of course, Smelly Jackson decides to take off his shirt.  (Thanks dude!)

Apparently, the hotness of his own body is too much for Jackson to handle.  He feels nauseous.  He needs to vomit.   He’s going to stick his finger down his throat to make himself puke.   But WAIT!  Someone did it for him!

Yeah . . . sorry guys.   I still can’t post that picture.  Everytime I look at it, it makes me want to ralph!

But, fortunately, all that grossness we just had to endure was only a hallucination of Jackson’s . . . OR WAS IT?  You see, even though Jackson was scratched by Derek DAYS AGO, his wound is still bleeding, as if it’s fresh.  Something is SERIOUSLY WRONG with this kid!

That’s one gnarly hickey, Wacko Jacko!

Just moments after Jackson reenacts the Alien movie with his mouth, he’s seemingly FINE!  In fact, he decides to sit down next to Allison in the hall and have this weird heart-to-heart with her.

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Now one of the benefits of recapping late, is I get to take a peek at the message boards to see what YOU GUYS are thinking about the show, before I write about it.  (It’s cheating . . . I know.)  And I was really surprised by how many of you started “shipping” Jackson and Allison together, after this scene. 

When taking the scene at face value . . . I get it . . . I mean, these two are both attractive individuals, who didn’t get off on the right foot, which is usually fodder for an EXCELLENT love-hate TV romance.  And Jackson is SAYING all the right things here.  He’s being self-depracating . . . ASSUMING that Allison already hates him.  He’s confessing to being obsessed with being the best, and being jealous of Scott.  He’s telling Allison that he’s “not a bad guy” and he “likes her.”  It all SOUNDS good, right?

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But that’s just it . . . it SOUNDS good.  But it LOOKS creepy.  The way Jackson keeps inching toward Allison while he speaks, completely ignoring her obvious discomfort .  . . the way he seems OVERLY insistent that she agree to be his friend . . . the way he keeps looking at her, like he wants to eat her . . . the way THAT WEIRD THING JUST CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH TWO SECONDS AGO . . . it all screams DANGER, ALLISON ARGENT!  Couple that with all the stuff Jackson just overheard Scott and Stiles discussing, and you’ve got all the makings of an ulterior motive . . .

Be afraid!  Be very afraid!

But who knows?  Maybe Jackson will die before he gets a chance to do anything wrong surprise us!  Character redemption . . . It could happen!

Damn straight!

Let us all join hands (and pray that Wolf Scott doesn’t kill us)

In economics, Allison wonders why Scott has been avoiding her.  He mumbles about busy, or having to wash his hair that day, or something lame, and obvious like that.  But then Professor Cupcake, who apparently got his teaching degree from the Tazmanian Devil , starts TOTALLY flipping out on Scott for not having done his class reading.  You would think Scott killed his puppy, with how mad Cupcake is becoming . . .

Cupcake has this CRAZY look in his eye, while he’s hurling insults at Scott, like it’s his job.  And you’ve really gotta wonder what brought on all this anger.  I mean, I thought most sports coaches who were also teachers, LOVED their dumb star athletes?  What gives, Asshat?

Stiles watches nervously, as Scott’s heartbeat rises steadily with each insult.  The monitor is beeping VERY loudly, but, oddly enough, nobody seems to hear it.  (This must be a school for both wolves AND the hearing impaired.)  Then, suddenly, Scott’s heartrate drops.   Stiles takes a little peak under the desk, and learns that ALLISON is the source of Scott’s calm.  She’s TOUCHING HIM!

I meant his HAND!  She was touching HIS HAND!  You perv!

And, you know what, I’ll be damned if this wasn’t a SUPER SWEET scene . . . even to a cynic NON Salison shipper, like myself.  Like I said, these two are WAY better, when they are silent.

Since Scott isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, he relies on Stiles to explain to him what this all means.  Basically, Scott luuuuuuuuuves Allison, so she keeps him human.  I guess having LOVE be your Humanity Trigger is WAY MORE FUN than Derek’s method of having PAIN do it . . .

And yet, both methods could conceivably involve floor humping . . .

By the way, does anybody else think it’s kind of weird that Scott needed STILES to tell him that he was in love with Allison?  Just wondering . . .

And yet, even though, by now, it seems COMPLETELY unnecessary, Stiles the SADIST has ONE MORE “lesson” for Scott.  It involves Stiles keying some big dude’s car, and letting Scott take the blame for it.   So, Scott can try to “stay” human, while he’s being gang banged. 

Yeah . . . that’s pretty bad ass.  But can you draw a curlicue on the window?  Bet you can’t!

Stiles’ stunt lands both him and Scott in detention with that weird teacher, who everyone on the message boards seems to think is the Alpha just because he has a strangely soothing voice, and wears emo glasses .  . .

As for me, I just thought it was strange that the guys who ACTUALLY BEAT UP SCOTT didn’t get detention for doing so.  This school is WACK!

More Finger Wagging

The itsy bitzy spider went up the water spout . . .

Derek drives to the mental institution in his recently repaired hot car to visit his old friend, The Family Member Who Doesn’t Speak . . .

Sorry Peter!  That was mean of me . . .

Derek tells The Family Member Who Can’t Speak (What can I say?  Old habits die hard.) that his sister was murdered.  He wants to know if anyone else, aside from him survived the family fire.  The Family Member Who Can’t Speak says . .  . well . . . nothing.  But after Derek leaves, he wags his finger, which, I guess means that the answer to Derek’s question is “yes.”

“Hey PETER!  Nice finger!  Let me show you another one!”

The Vet Did IT!  (Or did he?)

“Hey now!  Why do you have to go and blame the black guy?  What gives, Wolfy?”

Probably because he reads the Teen Wolf message boards, Derek becomes convinced that the shady veterinarian is either the Alpha himself, or WORKS for him.  (I’m thinking, the latter.)  So, he decides to interrogate the guy outright . . . and then tie him up, and beat the sh*t out of him.  (Anybody ever notice how much BONDAGE there is on this show?)

“YEAH!  Bondage RULES!”

By the time Scott arrives, his boss is already unconscious.  Derek explains that he wants to see if the vets wounds will HEAL to prove whether or not he is human.  Scott does NOT like this idea.  NOT AT ALL!

And yet, thanks to Yoda Stiles’ training, he is able to effectively channel his inner wolf, when it is necessary to show Derek who’s boss, and UNWOLF, before he KILLS Derek.  So . . . YAY for that!

New plan!  “Let’s draw out the Alpha with my PACK ROAR!”  Scott says, though not in so many words.  Dragging the unconscious vet with them as a souvenir, Scott, Stiles and Derek head off to the school and break in.  Scott takes over the school intercom and attempts to howl.  If you’ve ever seen the movie The Lion King, it kind of sounds like Baby Simba’s first attempt at roaring, only LESS menacing.

But all it takes is a few words of support from Yoda Stiles, and Scott is HOWLING like a champ!

“How you doin’ Beacon Hills, this is Wolfman Scott here, ready to HOWL some tunes for you.  I hope you’ve all been neutered!  Because this is my MATING CALL!”

Once that’s done, the bromantic buddies reunite with Derek, and kid around about how Scott’s howling abilities, or lack thereof.

“That was so good, I think I just went into heat.”

The trio is having such a fine old time, joking and laughing, that they want Bondage Veterinarian to share in the fun.  But when they look for him in the back seat . . . HE’S GONE!

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . That stinkin Alpha did THIS to my poor baby!

But he’s not DEAD!  He can’t be DEAD!  He’s still signed on to appear in five more episodes.  He’s too beautiful important to the plot to die.  Right?   RIGHT? 

Next week’s episode promises to be a cross between The Breakfast Club and Every Teen Horror Movie You Have Ever Seen.  Check out the trailer, here!

See you next week, Werebangers . . . IF YOU SURVIVE THAT LONG!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Keeping it “In the Family” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Tell”

Well HELLO, Derek Hale’s Naked Sweaty Stomach!  I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon . . . or so much of you.  What do you say, we go back to my place, so we can “get to know one another a little better?”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe we are already HALFWAY through this season of Teen Wolf?  It seems like only yesterday, we were ogling Scott McCall’s naked body for the first time . . .

Memories!

This week’s episode was called “The Tell,” a likely reference to the subconscious ways in which card players reveal to their opponents what kind of cards they are carrying, during the course of a game.  Fittingly, some of the episode’s most “telling moments” featured one character sharing information with another, and the other reacting to it, in a way that suggested a lot about his or her possible motivations.  Did I mention that the episode was CHOCK FULL of shirtless, sexual tension, and sublime homoeroticism?

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Stiles clearly suffers from Oral Fixation.  Does Danny suffer from Stiles’ Fixation?

So, what do you say, kiddies?  Are you ready for some Show and “Tell”?

[Note:  Special thanks go out to my new pal Andre for all the FABULOUS screenshots you see here.  You’ll undoubtedly notice that they are of significantly higher quality than the ones I tend to take myself.]

Next time, Stick with Netflix!

“If I die in this video store, at least I won’t have to watch The Notebook again!”

Oh Jackson!  Slowly, but surely, you are growing on me.  The fact that you finally took your shirt off this week, helped with that A LOT!  You actually had me feeling kind of sorry for you, because you are SO COMPLETELY WHIPPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  (I mean, really, grow some balls, man!)  We open on a shot of Poor Schmo Video Worker (don’t get too attached to him) standing on a ladder, fixing a light, in a video store that looks like its been time warped out of 1995, and plopped down in present-day Beacon Hills.  (Honestly, do video stores that AREN’T Blockbuster even EXIST anymore?  Because, even the Blockbuster by me closed!)

A car pulls up.  It’s Lydia and Jackson.  Lydia is in the driver’s seat, which is appropriate, considering that this is OBVIOUSLY the position she takes in their relationship.

“Umm . . . Lydia?  Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s NOT the stick shift.”

Jackson is trying to convince Lydia to rent Hoosiers, a heart-warming love story about boys and their .  . . um . . . basketballs . . .

But Lydia doesn’t WANT to watch a movie about balls.  She’d much prefer to watch The Notebook again, a movie which, in the words of Puck from Glee, has the power to “make you grow a vagina, if you watch it.”

Having just got rid of the vagina he grew the LAST time they watched this film, Jackson is, understandably, a bit miffed by his girlfriend’s suggestion.

Cut to about two seconds later, when Jackson is wandering around a seemingly empty video store, asking out loud where he can find The Notebook.

Long time, no vagina, Jackson!

But, uh oh . . . something is wrong on Movieland.  Our light-fixing Poor Schmo Video Worker is now nowhere to be seen.  And he hasn’t successfully done his job, either, because the lights in the place are still flickering.  Jackson walks around a little while longer, until he FINALLY finds Poor Schmo Video Worker . . . WITH HIS THROAT RIPPED OUT!

Watching The Notebook is starting to look pretty good NOW, isn’t it Jackson?

In a panic, Jackson lurches back, knocking down the ladder where Poor Schmo Video Worker met his maker.  He hears a noise.  Someone . . . or something is in the video store with him.  He hides in one of the aisles.   But the ALPHA is way smarter . . . and STRONGER than Jackson.  It knocks all the shelving down around Jackson in a single push.  It has Jackson in its clutches now.  It’s claw-like hands reach down toward Jackson’s neck, preparing to rip out its throat.  But then it sees the scratch marks left there last week by Derek .  . .

. . .  and decides to let Jackson live.  (WHY?  Did Derek “put a little wolf” in Jackson with his little love tap?  Or does the Alpha have some other reason for wanting to keep Jackson alive?)

Jackson got fingered! 

Meanwhile, outside, Vain Lydia is taking pictures of herself on her camera phone, when she sees the Alpha jump through the glass window of the video store, its red eyes blazing, its strong black body moving like nothing she’s ever seen before. 

Ooh . . . you might want to get some Visine for those eyes, honey!

She screams . . .

“OK . . . I’m sorry.  I’ll watch Hoosiers, I swear.   Just don’t eat me!”

Meanwhile, on a nearby road, Stiles is keeping his dad company, while the latter patrols Beacon Hills in his cop car. 

“Hey dad what do you say we pick up . . . er . . . I mean arrest some hookers.”

Stiles and his dad have a refreshingly sweet relationship.  In past episodes, we’ve only seen Big Stiles (that’s my new name for Stiles’ Dad) scold his son, and berate him for seemingly getting his nose into everybody else’s business.  But here, the two are just eating curly fries, and enjoying one another’s company . . .

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See what I mean about the whole “oral fixation” thing?

Big Stiles then gets a call on his CB about a possible homicide.  And Little Stiles jumps up and down on his seat, like a kid on Christmas morning.

“I LOVE DEAD PEOPLE!  SHOW . . . ME . . . THE BODY!”

You would think, by now, the thrill of ogling corpses would have worn off for Stiles, who has already seen a couple pretty gory ones, since the show premiered.  But apparently not.  (Perhaps, he’s hoping one will come back to life, looking like THIS . . .)

Upon arriving at the video store, Stiles is shocked and perhaps a bit jealous to learn that Jackson and Lydia are the only living witnesses to this possible murder.  Big Stiles gets out of the car, and tries to calm down an EXTREMELY agitated Jackson, who instinctively doesn’t want to go to the hospital, despite having fallen during the Alpha Ambush . . .

“She was going to make me watch The Notebook again!  Can you believe it?  The Notebook!”

Is it possible that Jackson, on some level, recognizes that the scratch on his neck is NOT from a human, and has changed him in a way that will raise eyebrows at the hospital?  Hmmm .  . .

Meanwhile, on the roof of the video store, Derek and Scott are . . . just chillin’.

“Hey, check it out.  From here, you can see down Lydia’s shirt!”

Scott wonders out loud why the Alpha seems so intent on killing random people.  Being new to this whole Werewolf Thing, he can’t help but wonder whether that’s what HE will eventually do.  Derek reassures Scott that they are PREDATORS, but don’t necessarily have to be killers. 

Wait?  Isn’t that the same thing?  The only kind of predators I KNOW that aren’t killers are the SEXUAL kind!

*sigh*  In that case, forget I said anything.   Just keep “predating,” Derek Hale! (Yeah, that’s probably not a word . . . but it should be!)

Lovers Quarrel, Part 26

“Aww, don’t pout, Baby!  I’ll even let you be on top, next time!”

Back at Derek’s house, or as I like to call it, La Casa de Old and Decrepit, Derek and Scott are fighting again, about Derek’s “Responsibility to Were Kind” to help find and destroy the Alpha.  “I HAVE A LIFE!”  Scott whines.

“No . . . you don’t,” replies Derek.  (See?   That was funny!  I knew the writers would go and give him a sense of humor, eventually!)

“I HAVE HOMEWORK!”  Scott tries again.

“Do you want to do homework . . . or not die?” Derek fires back.

Yeah!  That was funny, right?  I’m GOOD!”

Yes, Derek.  SNARK!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Apparently, there’s this little rule in the Werewolf Book of Pack Obedience, that states that if an Alpha Pack member doesn’t kill with his leader, before the full moon, he gets EATEN.

“Sexy Wolf Man, say what?”

By this point, Derek has probably figured out that Scott is pretty much a self-centered prick (a hot self-centered prick, mind you, but a self-centered prick, nonetheless).  And so, he wisely reminds Scott that HE has interest in finding the Alpha (through his unique “pack” connection too), as doing so could very well SAVE his life.  And, of course, the clock is ticking, because the next Full Moon is on the horizon.  This means Scott has only limited time to attend and graduate Derek’s Werewolf School of Brooding, Soulful Staring, and Looking Intimidating.

Hot for Teacher!

Speaking of teaching, Scott learned his first REAL werewolf lesson today.  It was a lesson about PAIN, and how it can lead to pleasure keeps a werewolf human.  Derek taught Scott this by leaning over him seductively, and twisting his arm, while the two were-men panted and groaned in concert.  I could tell you it wasn’t SUPER hot to watch . . . but I’d be lying . . .

“Happy Birthday, Allison!  Sorry for Being a Douche to Your New Boyfriend!  Here . . . have an Ugly Necklace.”

“I was going to get you birth control pills, My Little Harlot.  But I figured, this was the next best thing.”

Back at the Argent house, Aunt Kate is all faux apologetic about accusing Scott of going through her bag . . . WHICH HE DID!  She would very much like for Allison to call her some bad names, as part of her “punishment” for inappropriate behavior.  Allison wants to do no such thing.  She says all is forgiven.   I, myself, however, am not so forgiving, and have decided to call Aunty Kate a name of my own . . .

Apparently, today is Allison’s birthday.  And Kate has a gift for her.  It’s the UGLIEST NECKLACE I’VE EVER SEEN!  Allison puts it on immediately, but I suspect she is just doing it to be polite.  Apparently, the necklace has some “family crest” thing on it, that’s significant, in some way, to the Argent family history.  Rather than tell Allison the truth about her family, she suggests that Allison “look it up.”  (As, I suspect, Evil Werehunter Dad is not quite ready to let Allison in on the family’s Secret Life, just yet, this move was rather crafty on Kate’s part.)

  We can tell Kate is pleased with herself, by the sh*t eating grin on her face, after Allison leaves for school. 

Little does Aunt know that the only thing Allison has any interest in “studying” lately is Scott’s weiner.

Scott and Allison Ditch School, Frolic in the Park, Blah, Blah, Blah . . .

“Have you ever noticed that I spend at least half of every episode of this show with my lips attached to your face?”

Scott finds Allison at school hiding balloons and birthday notices in her locker.  She doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday, because she’s SO FRIGGIN OLD!  As it turns out, Allison turns 17 today, which makes her  a year older than Scott, which pretty much makes her an Alpha cougar . . .

Scott wins MAJOR points (not to mention gets a few steps closer to falling into Allison’s panties), by correctly guessing why Allison is in Scott’s grade, even though, technically, she should be a grade above him.  “You got held back, because you missed a lot of school, moving around so much,” he says matter-of-factly.  Allison is so thrilled that Scott doesn’t think she was left back a grade for being a moron, that she eagerly agrees to cut school with him.

“In that case, you’re a genius!  Now, will you let me touch your boobies?”

Call me unromantic, but I’m not going to spend much more time on Scott McCall’s Day Off, basically, because I thought it was lame, and didn’t add much to the story.   Yes, Scott and Allison are both very attractive people, who smile a lot, and look good making out with one another.  But, beyond that, they haven’t shown me anything special about their relationship to make me particularly invested in them as a couple.   And COME ON!  If your going to make me spend 10 minutes of an episode watching a boy and girl frolic in the woods, AT LEAST LET ME SEE THEM SCREW!

Am I right?

The one mildly interesting aspect of the “Salison” date, was Scott’s continued feeling as though Allison was “taking away his masculinity.”  (Oh buck up, Buddy!  It’s not like she made you watch The Notebook.)  Now, you would think that a guy like Scott, with werewolf strength, and an Adonis body . . .

 .  . . would be comfortable enough in his masculinity, to allow a woman, who took a sharp turn, while she was driving him in her car (at least, he didn’t take the damn bike this time – PROGRESS!), to instinctively put her hand out in front of him to keep him from getting whiplash.  But, apparently, not.

The other thing that bugged me about Scott an Allison’s date, was how Scott selfishly ditched EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to attend.  Cutting class is one thing.  But skipping work, missing a parent-teacher conference, skipping out on Sexy Derek, and ignoring his bestie’s increasingly frantic phone calls, is just DOUCHEY with a capital “D!”

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“I’m going to KILL YOU . . . and I’m too upset to come up with a witty description of how exactly I’m going to kill you, but I’m just going to do it.  OK?”

And yet, Allison didn’t seem to mind at all, especially considering that, at the end of the date, she basically told Scott, in NO uncertain terms, that she wanted to screw his brains out ASAP.  So, um . . . way to go, Scott . . . I guess . . .

Don’t Worry Stiles, I Find You Attractive!

So, in the last segment, I ranked on Scott a bit, for being kind of a self-centered douche.  Conversely, this segment will function as my Ode to Stiles.  Seriously, how GOOD OF A GUY, is he?  Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson and Lydia hhave been in school with Stiles since they were little kids, and neither has so much as given the poor kid the time of day.  And yet, knowing the traumatic experience both suffered in the opening scenes of the episode, Stiles is genuinely concerned for their well-being. 

He interrogates Jackson’s bestie, Danny, in hopes of getting the 411 on Jackson and Lydia, since, at this point, neither of them have showed up in class.  Danny is a bit evasive, as Jackson has seemingly kept his experience a secret even from HIM.  Then, Stiles gets up the courage to ask Danny a question that’s been bothering him since Episode 2.  “Do you think I’m attractive?”  He asks a bewildered Danny. 

Hmmm . . . though Stiles has publicly expressed his attraction for Lydia, this is, I believe, the THIRD time he has expressed interest in Danny’s evaluation of his hotness.  And I can’t help but wonder whether there is more to these questions than Stiles would like us to believe?  Anybody else with me on this one?

Anyway, Jackson eventually DOES show up for school, but seems pretty freaked out about everything he’s endure.  (More on him later.)

Speaking of Lydia, Good Guy Stiles takes it upon himself to go to her HOUSE after class, to make sure she is OK.  “What the hell is a Stiles?”  Lydia slurs, when her mother announces the guy’s arrival.  As it turns out, our girl Lydia is coping with her Alpha encounter through some HARD CORE DRUGS.

Drunk Lydia is pretty humorous, and is actually flirting pretty heavily with our Stiles, leaning in to him when she talks, and batting her eyebrows in a stoned sort of way.  And yet, Stiles knows the score, teasing Lydia a bit, by trying to get her recite tongue twisters (which she can’t).  Stiles has other motives for wanting to talk to Lydia.  He wants to know what she saw, and confirm that what happened at the video store was, in fact, an Alpha attack, even though authorities assume it was a “mountain lion.”

When asked, Lydia agrees that the thing she saw was a “mountain lion.”  But then, when Stiles shows her a stuffed giraffe, she thinks THAT’S a mountain lion too.  So, much for an eyewitness!  “YOU ARE SO DRUNK!”  He exclaims with amusement.  Then THIS happens . . .

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YEAH!  GO STILES!

Lest you believe that MTV actually “went there” by showing a BJ on prime time TV, I’m pretty sure Lydia’s head just fell that way.  But you’ve got to admit, especially taken in concert with Stiles’ “O” face, in response, the whole thing is pretty darn titillating / hilarious!  “I’m going to let you get back to your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Stiles mumbles, as he rises from the bed, trying to hide his erection.

“NO!  STAY!  PLEASE STAY!”  Lydia calls out after him.

Though, Stiles is looking cool and calm on the outside, undoubtedly, on the inside, he is doing THIS . . .

 

 . . . and maybe even a little of THIS . . .

But then Lydia calls him  JACKSON!

Oh well!  It was fun while it lasted, right Stiles?  Before our hero can get up to leave however, Lydia gets a text message, which, of course, Stiles takes it upon himself to read.  And, I bet you will never guess what it is . . .

It’s a sex tape of Stiles and Lydia video of the Alpha taken from the night of the Video Store Murder!

Golly gee!  I wonder who sent it.  Maybe it was “A” from Pretty Little Liars.  It totally sounds like something that b*tch would do!

A question out there to those of you who were watching the episode closer than I was?  Did Stiles pocket Lydia’s phone?  Because I know, at the end, he deleted the Alpha Video, and that doesn’t seem like something Stiles would do, unless it was to protect Lydia’s sanity?  And, if that was the case, wouldn’t it have made more sense for Stiles to send the message from Lydia’s cell phone to his OWN, before deleting it from hers?    Just sayin . . .

Speaking of losing sanity . . .

“We HAVE to stop meeting like this . . .”

“My what big eyes you have, Derek.”

The better to eye -f*&k you with, Jackson”

We find Shirtless Jackson flaunting his wares in the boys locker room . . .

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He’s nervous, and paranoid. Jumping at every sound, nervous that someone is watching him.  He heads to the mirror to admire his HOT BOD . . .

He examines the scratch on his neck.  Unlike Scott’s werewolf bite, Jackson’s wounds haven’t healed.  As it turns out, Jackson was right to be nervous, Derek’s stalking him near the locker’s again . . . and he pushes Jackson into one AGAIN.  This time, Jackson is smart enough not to sass the bigger, and stronger Derek.  “I don’t know where Scott is,” he babbles, remembering that THIS was the question that earned Jackson the scratch last time.

But DEREK knows exactly where Scott is he stalks him all the time!.  Right now, he’s more concerned with what Jackson SAW the night of the Video Store Murders.  Jackson claims he didn’t see anything, so Derek leans in close to his lips and starts tongue kissing him asks him to say that again SLOWLY.  Now, Derek claims that this is because his wolfy powers enable him to determine whether a person is lying, just by staring at his lips.   Sounds a bit convenient, if you ask me . . .

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Nevertheless, after Jackson seduces Derek with his mouth, Derek becomes convinced enough of his honesty regarding the Alpha, that he ultimately leaves him alone.  But not before he offers one parting shot, in his rivals direction.  “You should really get that checked out,” he remarks, pointing at Jackson’s nail marks, which Derek himself put there.

(There ya go, Derek!  Keep the snark coming!  Mommy LIKE!)

Add the Vet to You Alpha Suspects!

Derek and Stiles aren’t the only ones investigating the Alpha’s identity.   Big Stiles too is skeptical as to whether the attacker at the video store was, in fact, a mountain lion.  He has pictures of the beast that seem to suggest otherwise.   One, in particular, which features the beast rearing up on two  legs concerns him.  So, Big Stiles returns to the vet (where Scott was SUPPOSED to be working) to ask him for his EXPERT OPINION on the photographs. 

For someone who is NOT a murder suspect, the vet seems AWFULLY defensive and unwilling to answer questions, doesn’t he?  He admits that the animal in the picture looks neither like a mountain lion, nor like a bear, but refuses to give any additional information.  A dog starts barking in the backround, and the vet rushes off to tend to it a bit too eagerly for Big Stiles’ liking. 

Admittedly, the vet would be a pretty boring choice, storyline-wise, to be the Alpha.  On the other hand, he DOES have a pre-existing relationship with Scott, as well as a connection to animals, particularly canines, which seems like enough to at least earn him a spot on the Suspect List.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Old and Decrepit . . .

“I Don’t Know Whether to Kill You Or Lick You”

Let’s f*&K!”

Want proof positive that MTV cares about its fans?  Here’s some . . .

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Let’s get a closer look, shall we?

Not close enough for you?  How about this?

Flip him over!  I want to see those BACK TATTS!

OK . . . now, on the floor and spread ’em, buddy!

NICE!

Now, as you know, I could watch Derek Hale work out for HOURS and not get bored.  But, unfortunately, he has visitors . . .

Aunty Kate and her minions come storming into La Casa de Old and Decrepit, like bats out of hell.  At first, Derek hides, but Aunty Kate lures him out, by making a crack about his dead sister not living long enough to have a litter . . .   “TOO BAD YOUR SISTER SCREAMED LIKE A B*TCH, WHEN WE CHOPPED HER IN HALF!”  Kate screams.

Talk about a LOW BLOW!  Now, you’ve gone and made Derek ANGRY, Aunty!  And you wouldn’t LIKE him, when he’s ANGRY!

Then again, maybe she would!  A brief scuffle ensues, and Aunty Super Tasers Poor Derek to the ground.  Her minions eventually leave, until its only the two of them left in the house.  Aunty then seductively circles Derek, like a predator closing in on her prey.  She does most of the talking, as he’s currently not in any position to speak.  “I don’t know whether to kill you or lick you,” Aunty Kate coos, leaning in close to Derek’s SWEATY NECK.

Surprisingly enough, Kate doesn’t want to kill Derek, she wants to use him for information.  You see, somehow, Kate has become convinced that Derek knows the identity of the Alpha.  (Sound familiar?)  She’s even willing to KILL the Alpha for Derek out of the kindness of her heart.  (Isn’t she sweet?)

Of course, as we know, Derek is no closer to finding the Alpha than Kate is and lazy ass Scott sure isn’t helping.  So, he is of no use to her.  Yet still, Aunty seems to be feeling rather generous, as she offers Derek a free piece of information.  Apparently, the Evil Werewolf Hunters were NOT the ones who killed Derek’s sister . . . the ALPHA was.  Kate is so sure of this that she puts his lips next to Derek so he can stick his tongue down her throat tell she isn’t lying.  Of course, this makes Derek more determined than EVER to destroy the Alpha, which, of course, was Kate’s real intention for showing up at La Casa de Old and Decrepit in the first place.

Kate then starts shooting up the place with her MASSIVE FLARE-TYPE GUN, sending a shirtless Derek running for his life . . .

Thanks Kate!  We like it when our boy works up a sweat!

Meanwhile, back at Parent / Teacher Night . . .

JACKSON AND LYDIA ARE BOTH RELATED TO TYLER LOCKWOOD?

I suspect that the series of parent-teacher conferences we witnessed, this week, will end up somehow being important to the mythology of Teen Wolf.  However, I generally found myself so distracted by the fact that the same guy who played Tyler Lockwood’s DAD played Jackson’s adopted father . . .

 . . . and that the same woman who played Tyler Lockwood’s MOM played Lydia’s mother . . .

 .  . . that I found myself too distracted to concentrate on much else . . .

Nevertheless, here are some things we learned from the Parent Teacher Conferences:

(1) Jackson, interestingly enough, isn’t as DUMB as I thought he was.  In fact, he’s, apparently, an over-achiever, in every sense of the word (including sexually, I hope).  His parents think this somehow stems from him being “adopted,” which, basically was their way of telling us he’s adopted.  Oh . . . and he’s a loose cannon, but we kind of already knew that.

(2) Lydia’s parents are divorced.  (No big shock there.)  She’s also some kind of genius / master of social manipulation.  (Could SHE be the Alpha?)

(3) Scott’s dad was an “unpleasant” sort of guy, who Mom is relieved is no longer in Scott’s life.  (Could HE be the Alpha?)

(4) Stiles is so obsessed with circumcisions that he wrote about them in an essay question for his Economics test.  (Umm . . . OK?)  He’s also named Stiles after some dead relative.

(5) Stiles’ and Scott’s Science teacher is kind of creepy.  (Could HE be the Alpha?)

I didn’t get much about Allison, aside from the fact that her teacher, helpfully informed her parents that she cut class.  Outside the school, Scott’s mom, and Allison’s parents exchange words, both claiming the other kid to be a bad influence on their own.  (Typical).  Then the kids, themselves, arrive in the parking lot, and it’s all basically a big mess.

This dull Romeo & Juliet moment is fortunately interrupted by the movement of a wild animal in the parking lot.  Could IT be the Alpha?  A lot of things start happening very fast, at this point.  Parents and students are rushing frantically to their cars.  Stiles’ dad gets knocked down, and is injured.  Allison almost gets hit by a car, and Scott uses his Superhuman Were strength to keep her from harm.  Sound familiar anyone?

Then, finally, before the creature can do any damage, Papa Argent shoots it dead. 

Slowly, and tentatively, the crowd gathers to get a glimpse of the defeated creature.  However, when we FINALLY get to see the “Big Bad Alpha,” it looks like THIS . . .

Psshaw!  It’s a mountain lion!  Of course, most of us don’t believe for a SECOND that this is the creature that has been causing all the damage, thus far.  That Alpha’s a real slick one, isn’t he?

And that’s all she wrote.  See ya next week, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Greetings from the Walmart of Guns – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Magic Bullet”

Is that a Smith and Wesson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see my MASSIVE WEAPONS STASH?

Welcome back, were-lovers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we got to: (1) meet Allison’s “wacky” family; (2) learned about her  .  . . um . . . unique “hobbies;” (3) got to make fun of lacrosse a little bit; (4) were introduced to the fabulous comedic stylings of  the Derek /Stiles duo (PLEASE get these two crazy kids their own Buddy Cop Movie, MTV!); (5) and, last, but DEFINITELY, not least, we FINALLY got to see DEREK HALE  . . . SHIRTLESS!

Well, I’m excited.  (Stiles is obviously excited.)  Are YOU excited?  Let’s got on with the recap!

Meet Aunt Kate – The Werewolf Slayer

I would hereby like to submit for your approval the new promotional poster for the National Rifle Association.

Now, I never thought I’d say this, but the writers of THIS MTV show are SMART!

Yeah, I said it.  These guys (and girls) clearly know their audience.  They know that most of us have seen HUNDREDS of horror movies, and supernaturally-inclined television shows, and know all the cliches, and predictable plot twists by heart.  And yet, rather than steering completely clear of these, the writers of Teen Wolf use them to their advantage, by taking our expectations and turning them completely on their head.

Case in point:  the opening scene of this episode.  We are introduced to a woman we have never seen before on this show.  She is ALONE in her car.  It is the middle of the night.  She is absent-mindedly singing to music on the radio, and openly SCOFFING news reports of animal attacks.  She is fixing her makeup, when she should be watching the road.  In short, she is the quintessential RANDOM FIRST KILL in EVERY HORROR MOVIE YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

Pssst .  . . there’s someone behind you.

Cue the Intensely Creepy Music, and “that strange feeling that someone is watching you.”  A car halts in front of her, and the “character” we think of as Future Lunch Meat swerves, just barely missing it.  She breathes a sigh of relief, thinking she’s safe.  On the couch at home, we laugh at her naivety, counting down the seconds to her inevitable demise.  “Nice, not really knowing ya,” says TV Recapper out loud, at this point in the show.

Then it happens.  The wolf jumps on the top of Future Lunch Meat’s car, breaks the glass of the driver’s side window, and reaches in and grabs her.  There is a girly scream, and a struggle follows.  We wait for Future Lunch Meat to inevitably be dragged out of the car, her body quickly devoured, and tossed to the side of the road, mangled and bloody, her eyes frozen open in the Horror of Death.

For those of you who watch The Vampire Diaries, doesn’t Aunt Kate sort of resemble Dead Jules?

But Future Lunch Meat somehow manages to fight off the wolf, and emerges from her car unscathed.  A-ha!  The FAKE OUT!  We think to ourselves.  Surely, she is going to get it NOW.  She walks to the trunk of her car, opens it, and . . . HOLY CRAP!  It’s got a weapons cache inside that would make Tony Soprano PROUD!

Now, Future Lunch Meat is shouting threats at an unseen wolf.  Plus, she’s not exactly being conservative about the bullets in her gun, shooting wildly in the air like a crazy person.  But as we’ve seen from her trunk, she doesn’t need to be stingy.  Girlfriend’s got bullets to spare.  She might make it out of this scene alive, yet!

Back at the Argent House, Evil Were Hunter Dad skips out at 2 a.m.  He tries to leave without waking up Allison, but fails.  She wonders where he’s going.  Does Daddy have a Lady Friend?  Is he cheating on Mommy?  I wouldn’t put it past him.  After all, you’ve got to admit, for an evil sociopath dad-type, Papa Argent is KINDA HOT!

DILF

But Evil Were Hunter Dad tells Allison he has to pick up Aunt Kate, who is having some “car trouble.”  Ohhhhh . . . so Future Lunch Meat is “AUNT KATE,” which means she isn’t future lunch meat at all!  Damn you, MTV!  You tricked me!

As it turns out, the Argent family aren’t the only ones who are alerted to Aunt Kate’s “car trouble.”  Apparently, Alpha Wolf has some sort of lo-jack tracking system on his ass.  Because, the next thing you know, both Scott . . .

.  . . and Derek . . .

WILF = Wolf I’d like to . . . 😉

. . . are on the scene.

Unfortunately, at some point during the shooting spree, Alpha wolf gets away.  But Aunt Kate doesn’t give a sh*t.  She’s out for BLOOD.  Scott, hides himself in a warehouse, and manages to avoid the melee . . .

But Derek isn’t so lucky.  He gets a bullet in the arm, which you would THINK he’d be able to release from his body right away.  But the bullet remains.  And the wound begins to fester . . .

Now, of course, a Big Brooding Bad Wolf like Derek isn’t going to GO TO THE HOSPITAL like us NORMAL SMART HUMANS.  That would be too easy too risky, what with his big WERE-PARTS just waiting to be discovered and shipped off to a lab for testing!  Nope.  If Derek wants to heal his infection, he’s going to need help of a non-medical sort.  And he’s running out of time . . .

DON’T DIE, DEREK, YOU SEXY BEAST!

“Don’t Touch My Sh*t”

Back at the Argent household, Evil Were Hunter Dad does not seem particularly sympathetic toward Aunty Kate’s BRUSH WITH DEATH.  He’s more concerned about how her graduation from the Scarface School of Animal Hunting . . .

. . . will negatively impact his campaign to ERADICATE ALL WEREWOLVES FROM PLANET EARTH.

Geez!  Allison’s dad is not exactly Mr. Warm and Fuzzy, now is he?  Nonetheless, I found the conversation between Evil Werewolf Hunter and Aunt Kate intriguing, in that it seems to fly in the face of my theory that a member of the ARGENT family is the Alpha that bit Scott.  I still think they could be werewolves though . . .

We cut to a scene where Allison and Aunt Kate are hanging out in the guest bedroom, and we know instantly that these two are pretty close.  Aunt Kate is one of those adult types who tries DESPERATELY to be cool, and fit in with the teens.  Sound like anybody YOU know?

Kate starts telling Allison what a “Runway Model” she has become.  She also informs her that she shouldn’t settle for ONE boyfriend, when she can have an ENTIRE SCHOOL of them.  Thanks, Aunt Kate!  Way to teach your niece to be a TOTAL WHORE!  That comment is going to bite you in the ass, later in this episode, Auntie, just so you know!

But Aunt Kate shows her true colors, when Allison starts digging in her BULLET BAG, practically tackling the poor teen, before she can closer look at what’s inside.  This makes Allison, who was already suspicious of the strange circumstances surrounding her Aunt’s midnight arrival, even MORE suspicious.  She asks her aunt about the “car trouble” she had the night before.  “I just needed someone to jump start my car,” remarks Auntie Big Fat Liar.  Recalling, that her DAD explained that Aunt Kate had a FLAT TIRE, Allison makes one of her trademark, “I’m confused” faces . . .

“My GOD!  This guy is EVERYWHERE!”

Coincidentally, if Derek Hale was a vampire, this is probably what he would look like ALL THE TIME!

At school, we get a bit of a recap of the end of last week’s episode, as Stiles helpfully asks Scott all the questions lingering in our heads about who bit him, what the deal is with Derek, and what the f*ck constitutes an “Alpha?” 

While this is happening, some test gets passed back to the class.  Stiles aces it (naturally), but Scott gets a D minus, thus confirming fans’ suspicions that our hero isn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.

It’s OK, Dude!   People who look THAT good naked don’t need to have brains too  . . .  In fact, if they did, it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us average-looking folk.

Stiles offers to help Scott study for the next exam.  But Scott already has a study date . . . Allison.  Stiles wisely notes that the ONLY studying Scott will be doing during that date is a scientific analysis of how Allison’s tongue tastes.  But Stiles is ALL FOR IT!  He is TOTALLY Team Allison.  He wants Scott to get some nooky, so HE can live vicariously through him.  Personally though, I think Stiles is only saying this, because he’s secretly angling for some threesome action . . .

Outside class, a wounded Derek lumbers the hallways, all menacing and zombie-like, looking for Scott.  Of all people, Derek decides to ask Alpha Male Douchebag JACKSON where he can find his new trusty puppy friend.  And you know Jackson!  He’s all “I’m going to find out what Scott is hiding, if it’s the last thing I do.”

So, immediately, Jackson takes one look at the bullet-ridden, near-death, strung-out looking (but, oddly enough, still SUPER hot) Derek, and quite rationally assumes the stud muffin is Scott’s DRUG DEALER.  “You might want to lay off your own merchandise, because you look wrecked,” notes Jackson, not entirely unkindly.  (By the way, when did they fix Jackson’s locker?  Didn’t Scott just completely demolish it last week?)

Then Derek starts bleeding all over the floor, and doofus Jackson still thinks its wise to strong-arm the guy, even though he’s twice his size, and looks like he has the EBOLA VIRUS.  (“Gee!  There are so many intelligent men on this show!”  She says, sarcastically.)  Despite being HALF-DEAD, Derek is STILL able to push Jackson into the lockers.  He scratches the teen’s neck, leaving a big bloody gash across it. 

Is that enough to infect Jackson with the werewolf virus?  Well, that’s a story for another episode . . .

I’ll just tell everyone it’s a hickey!”

Using his super-sensitve werewolf hearing, Derek overhears Scott and Stiles talking about him.  He also overhears Allison and Lydia . . .

Lydia thinks Allison should prepare for the possibility of Hot Wolf Sex with Scott.  Allison feigns shock.  “After ONE date?”  She asks incredulously.  And yet, considering girlfriend has been ALL OVER Scott like cheap cologne ever since the pilot episode, we know that she is, in the words of those mental midgets from that show, The Jersey Shore, D. T. F.

If you impregnate me, will I give birth to a litter?”

School’s over.  (That was FAST!)  Stiles is in his car, while Scott is on his dorky bike.  (AGAIN!  FRIENDSHIP FAIL!  DRIVE YOUR BUDDY HOME FROM SCHOOL, STILES!  His bike can fit in the trunk!)  Zombie Derek staggers out in front of Stiles car.  “My GOD!  This guy is everywhere!”  Stiles yells out, comically, taking the words right out of fans’ mouths.  Derek then proceeds to literally roll over and play dead doggie, right in front of Stiles’ car . . .

I’ve fallen.  And i can’t get up!”

Stiles and Scott immediately rush to their “new pal’s rescue.”  Undoubtedly, getting back at his buddy for failing to give him a ride, Scott quickly shoves the rapidly decaying body of Derek Hale in Stiles’ passenger seat, while he skips off on his “study” date with Allison.  The selfishness on this show, apparently, knows no bounds.

Behave for the babysitter, son.  Daddy will be back to pick you up, as soon as he gets laid.”

Now conscious, a weakened Derek informs Stiles and Scott that he has a bullet in his body with the Argent name all over it . . . a bullet for which Derek’s werewolf powers are no match.  “A silver bullet?”  Stiles asks, clearly having done his Googling Werewolves homework for the evening.  Derek rolls his eyes, informing us that THIS part of werewolf lore apparently doesn’t apply to our story. 

Always one to accentuate the positive, Scott tells Derek that he overheard Auntie Kate telling Evil Were Hunter that with the bullet inside of him, our Sexy Beast has only 48 HOURS TO LIVE!

But WAIT!  There’s hope!  If Scott can somehow locate the TYPE of bullet that hurt Derek in time, Derek can cure himself.  HOORAY!  But the clock is ticking . . .

Allison finds Scott in the parking lot, and wonders why he suddenly seems all buddy-buddy, with Derek, the same guy, Scott freaked out about, when he found out he had driven Allison home from the party.

“Feel totally free to invite your hot drug dealer friend over to my house.   I can think of lots of ways the three of us could entertain one another.”

Scott avoids the question, and tells Allison he will meet her at her house.  Then he RIDES OFF ON HIS BIKE, while Allison gets into her car.  AGAIN . . . why is NOBODY offering to give this poor kid a ride!  I mean, him and Allison are going to the SAME place for crying out loud!  Now, that’s just rude!

As Stiles drives away, with Derek in the car, and Scott rides off into the sunset on his trust bike, Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson . . . wait for it . . . WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY. 

DUDE!  Get a HOBBY!

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“These are a few of my favorite things.”

Allison is shocked to find that Scott has arrived at her home at the same time as her, despite the fact that she DROVE IN HER CAR, while he followed behind her on his lame two-wheeler.  Scott fumbles through an excuse, and Allison notes that Scott has been “acting strange all day.” 

Strange, moi?”

Upstairs to Allison bedroom they rush, books in hand.  Scott notes to his chagrin that, despite having lived in Beacon Hill for a month, his new girlfriend still hasn’t unpacked.  Allison doesn’t want to talk about this, so she quickly sticks her tongue down Scott’s throat, and her hand down his pants.  She then pushes him roughly onto the bed and straddles him.

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Well . . . that’s ONE way to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

Things get hot and heavy REAL fast for Scott and Allison, so much so that Scott quickly finds he has to contend with THESE . . .

The werewolf version of a boner?

Fortunately, Scott gets a text on his cell phone, before he gets a chance to rip his girlfriend’s face off.  It’s Stiles.  “Dying Sexy Guy stinking up my car!  SOS!”  He texts . . . or something like that.

But there is NO WAY Scott is going to let a little thing like a SUPER DANGEROUS DYING MAN in the passenger seat of his BEST FRIEND’S car get in the way of his cuddle time with Allison.  So, Scott lamely texts back that he “needs more time” and goes back to doing . . . what he’s BEEN DOING, which is most certainly NOT searching for the Magic Bullet that will save Derek’s life.

NO ME GUSTA!

Back on the Dying Werewolf Roadtrip, the stench of death is becoming rather overpowering in Stiles’ car, as he tries to drive the wounded Derek back to his ramshackle house.  Just so you know, Derek!  I’d be happy to help you out with that pesky Death Smell, by giving you a good old-fashioned shower.  Just take off your clothes.  I’ll gladly handle the rest . . .

(And might I say, the green screen effect they used to make Stiles look like he was actually driving, was REALLY LAME.  I half expected to see flying toasters and purple dinosaurs outside his window.)

“NO!  I will not make out with you!”

But Derek doesn’t want to go home, and he doesn’t want to go to the hospital.  He wants to show his bloody bruise to an incredibly nauseated Stiles.

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“Is that contagious?  You should probably just get out,” remarks Stiles, in between gags, as he pulls over to the side of the road.

Then Derek shows us, for the first time, that he actually does have a sense of humor, by uttering what was undoubtedly the FUNNIEST line in the entire episode.  “Start the car . . . or I’m going to rip your throat out . . . with my teeth,” he snarls.

Yes, I understand that Derek wasn’t AT ALL kidding, when he said that.  But, you have to admit, it was pretty damn funny!  And Stiles’ petrified facial expression in response?  CLASSIC!

Bet you are wishing you had your trusty fire extinguisher now.  Don’t ya, Stiles?

Back at the Argent House, Allison is unpacking in front of Scott, showing him pictures of Auntie Kate, and allowing him to examine her Hobby Box.  Apparently, Allison sucks at a lot of things . . . like art . . . and poetry . . . and photography.  But you know what she’s good at?  SEX bowling, gymnastics, and . . . BEING A MURDERER.  Allison LITERALLY takes Scott to the Gun Show, when she brings him to her garage, which is FILLED with assorted guns and bizarro weapons.  She even takes out a crossbow and aims it right at his head.  (Foreplay?)

Apparently her dad is an “arms dealer for law enforcement.” 

Riiiiiight!  And if you believe that, than I am proud to inform you that you just won $100 million dollars in the TV Recappers Lottery.   Just mail me your address, and I’ll send you a check in 3 to 5 business days.

Stiles texts Scott again.  Derek has taken a turn for the worse, as it seems.  But Selfish Horndog Scott is too turned on by Allison’s breasts crossbow to care.  The pair start making out again, right in the middle of all those lethal weapons.  Then Daddy comes home, and he wants help with the groceries.  He also wants Scott to LEAVE . . . NOW! 

But don’t you worry, Scott!  Auntie Kate is here to the rescue.  And even though SHE is a guest in the house herself, Cool Aunt K has NO QUALMS WHATSOEVER about inviting her niece’s boyfriend over for dinner.  Suddenly, Evil Were Hunter Dad is VERY EAGER to spend some bonding time with his prospective future son-in-law . . .  “You eat meat?”  Daddy Dearest inquires.

GULP!

Euthanizing Rabid Dogs . . . and other Warm and Fuzzy Stories to Tell at the Dinner Table

“Did I ever tell you about the time that I chopped up my daughter’s ex boyfriend, and served him to the family as steak?”

Now, I’ve seen Meet the Parents . . .

So, I KNOW awkward boyfriend/ girlfriend dinners.  But this one pretty much takes the cake.  First, Daddy-o starts testing Scott, by offering him liquor, and asking if he smokes pot.  He then starts TOTALLY bashing on lacrosse, by basically calling it a low-rent version of field hockey, snidely noting that Scott’s so-called “brilliant plays” only occurred in the final moments of the game.

I’m getting angry.  And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

Basically, I think Evil Were Hunter Dad is trying to piss Scott off enough that he will wolf-out at the table, just as he tried to trigger Derek’s bad temper, last week at the gas station.  Scott doesn’t take the bait, however.  Instead, he politely excuses himself to use the restroom. 

“If you weren’t grabbing my crotch under the table, I would totally be decapitating your dad, right now.”

Our hero sneaks off to the garage and calls Stiles, who is now with Dying Derek at the animal clinic.  (Do they just not lock that place, ever?)  Derek reminds Scott that he HAS to find the bullet, not just for Derek’s sake, but for his own.  “The Alpha called you out last night, against your will.  Next time it will expect you to kill with it.  You have to kill it or be killed.”

Now, that Derek has shown Scott how the situation will effect HIM, suddenly he’s more intent on finding the bullet used to shoot Derek.  But it won’t be easy.  “This place is the Walmart of Guns!”  He complains.  Unfortunately, Walmart’s Employee of the Month Auntie Kate finds him snooping, and she wants to f*ck his brains out is not pleased.

“Why go for the GIRL when you can have the WOMAN?  We BOTH like violence, which means we can be as rough with eachother as we want.”

Scott sheepishly apologizes for mistaking the garage for a bathroom. But as soon as Kate leaves, he heads to HER room, starts snooping through her bags, and finds EXACTLY what he’s looking for.

Now, you know what I generally do, when I’m snooping through somebody’s bag that I shouldn’t be.  I CLOSE THE BAG SO THAT NOBODY KNOWS I WAS SNOOPING.  But not brilliant Scott!  He takes the offending bullet, slips it into his pocket, and LEAVES KATE’S BAG WIDE OPEN.  Why?  Because Scott’s a MORON, that’s why!  What do you expect from a D minus student?

“I’m not a moron!  How could I be a word I don’t even know how to spell?”

Back at the dinner table, conversation moves to Scott’s work at the animal clinic.  So, Daddy Argent, ever the story teller, launches into a “fun for the WHOLE family” story about a sweet dog who gradually succumbed to madness, after having been bit by a rabid animal, and eventually had to be shot.  I think I saw that movie.  It was called Old Yeller.  Anyway, the parallels between the dog’s situation and Scott’s were pretty obvious.  Evil Were Hunter is like a predator toying with his prey.  One wrong move from Scott, and he’ll pounce.

Speaking of pouncing, on the way out of the house after dinner, Aunt Kate stops Scott and not-at-all-subtly accuses him of stealing something out of her bag like, say, a Magic Bullet.  She even goes as far as to ask Scott to empty his pockets and prove that he didn’t steal anything.  Allison then surprises everybody, by announcing that SHE was the one snooping in Kate’s bag.  She then proudly holds up her contraband for all to see, including her dad.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . a condom.

AWKWARD!

A very relieved Scott dashes off on his bike to save Derek.  But is he already too late?

You Hump that Floor, Derek HALE!

As soon as newfound bromantic buddies Derek and Stiles enter the animal clinic, Derek rewards us for sticking with the show for this long, by IMMEDIATELY peeling off his shirt.

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For those of you who have been waiting to see Derek’s “assets” since the show began, rest assured, he does NOT disappoint.  What’s better, Wolfman has the COOLEST black back tattoo I have EVER seen.  If anybody was lucky enough to get a screencap of it, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME, ASAP.  If you do, I promise I will send you all the sexy Damon Salvatore pics your heart desires, in return.

As time runs out for Derek, he is running out of options.  If Scott doesn’t get to the clinic with the bullet soon, Derek will die.  But Derek has a plan to save his own life, and it involves . . . STILES CHOPPING OFF HIS INFECTED ARM?

“Haha!  That’s HILARIOUS!  Wait . . . you’re serious?”

Stiles initially refuses.  But then Derek starts coughing up blood and black bile.  “My body is trying to heal itself,” he explains.

“Well, it’s NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB!” Stiles exclaims.  (LOVE HIM!)

With no time to waste, Stiles  reluctantly agrees to chop Derek’s arm off.  He’s got the blade ACTUALLY touching Wolfman’s skin, when Scott FINALLY arrives, bullet in hand.  “Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of nightmares,” remarks Stiles gratefully. 

So, Scott hands Derek the bullet.  And . . . Derek drops it into a grate, before falling unconscious on the floor.   (Nice catch, Wolfman!)  Now Derek is writhing on the floor half-naked.  And it would be truly upsetting, if it werent’ so gosh darn sexy . . .

I’ve never wanted to be a floor so bad in my whole life.

When Derek falls completely unconscious, Stiles revives him by . . . get this . . . PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE.  If only ALL medical emergencies were that easy. 

But there is still the little problem of the escaping bullet.  Scott reaches into the grate, but can’t reach it with his HUMAN nails.  So, instead, he does this . . .

That’s actually kind of gross, when you look at it up close like that.

Speaking of simple remedies to SERIOUS ailments, Derek must have read some kind of Werewolf Cure-all Handbook, back in the day.  Of course, he instantly knows to light the offending bullet on fire, and push the ashes into his arm.  And POOF!  Derek is magically healed!  THE SEXY BEAST LIVES!  YIPPEE!

Now that they have saved his life, Scott and Stiles want that pesky shirtless Adonis out of their lives for good!  They would gladly throw their lot in with the Evil Werewolf Hunters over the likes of the Lone Wolf.  But Derek needs Scott’s help to defeat the Alpha.  And so, he decides to show Scott once and for all how heartless Allison’s family truly is, and what SHE will eventually become.

Derek takes the twosome to the local hospital where the one surviving relative of the fire that killed most of his family lives out his days in a catatonic state, half his face charred beyond recognition.

Derek and his sister were not in the fire, only because they were at school at the time it took place.  And we all know what happened to Derek’s sister.

Scott argues that, having been at school, Derek cannot be sure if it was the Argents who started the fire.  However, Derek is certain.  “They were the only ones who knew about us,” he explains.  “They said they would only kill adults, and only with proof, but there were some people in that house who were completely normal,” Derek explains.  *shivers*

Back at Allison’s house, Evil Were Hunter Dad and Aunt Kate continue to plot to take down the Alpha, while Allison leaves a voicemail on Scott’s cell phone, and finds weird diamonds on the driver’s side window of Kate’s car, which happens to be wear she suffered the werewolf attack.

“Ooh!  These would make really pretty earrings.  Score!”

And there you have it.  The “Magic Bullet” in a nutshell.  Tune in next week, to watch Jackson and Lydia lose their minds, hopefully as a result of an overload of Sexy Derek and Scott Shirtlessness.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Who’s Your Daddy? – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Pack Mentality”

Don’t we all kind of feel like this, when the alarm goes off on Monday morning?

Well, werewolf lovers, it looks like we have a real mystery on our hands!  WHO’S THE ALPHA?

Tonight’s third installment of Teen Wolf was what we in TV Land like to call a “game changer.”  Game changers take what you think you know about a particular program, and turn it on its head.  Game-changing episodes either make a show (by defying fans expectations, and reinvigorating their interest in the narrative) . . .

  . . . or break a show (by being so patently ridiculous, that they destroy the foundations on which a show’s main plotline was built).

Considering Teen Wolf is currently only three episodes old, it is, perhaps, still too early to determine whether tonight’s plot twist is a “postive” game changer, or a “negative” one.  And yet, I will say that, in my opinion, at least, “Pack Mentality” was, by far, this series’ strongest installment yet.  Watching this episode gave me, for the first time since the series premiered, an inkling of confidence that Teen Wolf has what it takes to become more than just a summer hiatus series.

Clearly, Stiles is pleasantly surprised by my statement.

Let’s revisit it, shall we?

Worst Wet Dream EVER!

Please don’t let me die on a school bus.  That would be SO lame.  If you plan to kill me, at least have the decency to do it in a hot car!”

When the episode begins, Allison and Scott are making out, and dry humping eachother in the dark.  It’s getting pretty hot and heavy, in an almost R-rated sort of way.  But then Scott prematurely ejaculates starts wolfing out, and everything goes to hell in a . . .  school bus?  Suddenly, Wolf Scott is chasing after Allison, and she is running away in tears and SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. 

Garbage pails are thrown.  Windows are smashed.  The back door of a school bus becomes caked in blood.  Scott wakes up in a cold sweat, relieved that this was all nothing more than a bad dream.  Or was it?

“Man, I’ve really gotta stop watching The Vampire Diaries, before I go to bed!”

At school, Scott tells Stiles about the dream that made him all hot and bothered.  And Stiles chastises his friend a bit for not even being able to “seal the deal” with Allison, IN HIS DREAMS.  “When I have dreams like that, they end a little bit different,” Stiles notes wryly.  (Oh, I bet they DO, Stiles!  I bet they do!)

Who has two arms, and just got banged in his sleep by the entire female population of the sophomore class? THIS GUY!”

But when Scott spies a brutalized and bloody school bus parked outside the school, he begins to wonder whether what he remembers is actually real.  A frantic Scott dashes through the hallways, in search of Allison, to make sure her head is still attached to her body.  (Jury is still out on whether there is actually a brain in there.)  When he can’t find her right away, Scott immediately flies into a rage, taking his anger out on a poor defenseless locker . . . Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson‘s locker, to be exact.  Oops!

“You asshat!  NOW, where am I going to store my 100 pounds worth of hair product?”

But, worry not, Allison fans, because Scott bumps into HER, just a few seconds later.  SHE’S OK!  

And you know what?  I am so glad, because I was REALLY GENUINELY concerned that this show was going to kill off the main character’s love interest, after just two episodes of air time.

 Sarcasm.  What can I say?  It’s a gift!

During class (Yeah . . . believe it or not, they actually DO spend a believable amount of time in school, on this show.  It’s kind of refreshing.), everybody rushes to the window, to see a body carried out of the bloody school bus on a stretcher.  It’s a bus driver, and he looks pretty darn dead . . . at least . . .  until he starts flipping out, like a crazy person.

“Maybe if I tell my mom that a werewolf ate my bus driver, she will finally let me take the car to school.”

Now, Scott is convinced that his wolf-self had, in fact, tortured the bus driver, and ravaged his bus last night, while his HUMAN self, was busy wet-dreaming about butchering his girlfriend.  And yet NO ONE seems to be asking the obvious question:  What exactly the bus driver was DOING on a school bus, in the middle of the night?  Does he LIVE in there?

It kind of reminds me of when I was a little kid, and I assumed that all my teachers lived at the school, and slept in their classrooms, when they weren’t busy teaching me.  So, you can imagine my surprise, when I would occasionally see them at the grocery store, or at the post office.   But, I digress . . .

Like most teenage boys, I suspect, Scott cares about getting laid and . . . well . . . that’s pretty much it.  So, the fact that our “hero” seems more concerned about how his “sleep-murdering” tendencies might negatively impact his upcoming date with Allison, than he is about the fate of the poor, probably homeless, bus driver, who’s face he may have consumed as a midnight snack , is disconcerting, but not necessarily surprising. 

What’s more surprising (well . . . at least to Stiles . . . I think most viewers probably expected this), is Scott’s decision to approach prospective Sister Muncher (Bad choice of words?) Derek Hale for tips on How to Be a Better Werewolf.

Umm . . . how about tips on how to be a better vampire bat, instead?  As you can see, I’ve already got the ‘hanging upside down’ part covered.”

Bowling for Douchebags

It’s lunchtime, and Scott and Stiles are both surprised to find themselves eating at the “cool table,” for a change.  When Alpha Male Douchebag and Co. plop down next to the two best buddies in the cafeteria, the boys aren’t sure whether they should be pleasantly surprised or seriously freaked out.  I like how dating the Hot New Girl at school seems to have made Scott instantly popular, by association.  In terms of the Complex World of High School Social Politics, this seems to be something the show actually got right.   (Then again, Scott’s newfound “sports stardom” probably had a bit to do with his Climb Up the Social Ladder, as well.)

 Though we got a brief glimpse of him last week, this was the first time viewers were officially introduced to Jackson’s best friend Danny, who just so happens to be a homosexual.

I have to say, I loved the little risque comment Danny made to Jackson’s other friend (Apparently, he has TWO!  Go figure!), when Other Friend asked Jackson why the Douchebag always kicked HIM out of the lunch table, instead of Danny.  “Because I never stare at his girlfriend’s coin slot,” Danny remarked cleverly.

Speaking of the  . . . ahem . . . Coinslot, at lunch, Lydia inquires what she, Jackson, Allison and Scott should do on their upcoming double date.  I believe it was Jackson who suggested bowling.  First lacrosse?  Now . . . bowling?  This is quickly becoming the Ran