BITE ME, UNCLE ALPHA! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale Part II “Code Breaker”

Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha.  What are you going to do now?

DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!” 

Greetings Werebangers!  Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone.  And the world, as we know it, will never be the same.  We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .

 . . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!

So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .

Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!

(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here.  Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off  MTV.com. 🙂 )

“So . . . ummmmm, Allison.  About my New Face . . .”

“You like?”

When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus .  . .

 . . . until, of course,  that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .

 Damn you, Papa Argent!  It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!

Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods .  . .

OK, Scott.  I know your “devastated,” and all.  But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT?  What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?

Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s .  . .

*sniffle, sniffle*  “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.” 

As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else.  Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?

AWKWARD!

 Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home.  Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.

Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .

Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha

Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.

“Uhh . . . Lydia?  I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”

But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned.  He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads.  He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it.  “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.

Oh, come on, Stiles!  Let’s not be so overdramatic!  I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really).  But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she?  So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now.  Is there?

After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek.  However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field.  (What a guy!)  So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.

“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” 

Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to Uncle Alpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf.  What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha!  Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.

Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant. 

Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .

“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine.  And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.” 

Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car.  “But  . .  . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.

Check out the hand.  It looks kind of wolfy to me.  I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it? 

“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly.  (Haha!  I like THIS GUY!  He’s funny!)

From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people.   (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)

Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs. 

Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive.  After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.

Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes.  “His username is ‘Allison.’  And his password is also ‘Allison‘?”  He snorts derisively.

“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”

(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password.  He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all.  But that username threw me.  I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username?  The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)

“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?”  Stiles quips.

Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all.  In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .

 . . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!

Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed.  Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.

Source

I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon.  (How thoughtful!)

Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.

Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions?  That’s pretty impressive! 

“Oh, so your not going to kill me?”  Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.

Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”

“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?”  Stiles quips.  (LOVE HIM!)

“I’m just misunderstood.” 

Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha.  I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy!  How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.

Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance.  All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal.  And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.

So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .

 You just don’t come back from something like this . . .

. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.

In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for  all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!

 “Does anybody have any butter?”

That’s right, boys and girls!  Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting.  And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.

Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf.  Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins.  (Well, that’s a new piece of information!)  “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . .  no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . .  . watching him get the girl.  You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”

This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking. 

One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain.  (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.)  The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.

He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family.  He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison.  And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.

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You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think?  (Just ask Jackson.)

“Please bite me in the ass.  I’ll be your best friend!” 

Stiles doesn’t say anything at first.  He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something.  Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth.  But Stiles snatches it back at the last second.  “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.

(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.

I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do!  I don’t know, Stiles.  It sounds like you are missing out.

Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .

Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!

Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing.  (So,  I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)

He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form.  (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)

How soon we forget! 

You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire.  “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues.  (UHH HUH!  With good reason!  Because YOU did it, B*tch!)

Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?

Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days.  Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .

I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you.  In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.

Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.

We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season.  But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison.  (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)

“Who you callin’ DOCILE?” 

In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull.  During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned.  Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .

Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)

Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help.  She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.

“Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”

Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.

Source

I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia.  But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.

Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears.  “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.

Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.

 I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .

She immediately finds Lydia’s bed.  And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.

That was neat, Allison!  I want to learn to do that!

Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed.  But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.

When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”

Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?

According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do.  “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”

Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!

“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!” 

When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive.  But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by  . . . SOMETHING” thing.  Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles.  Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.

And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate .  . .

. . .  wait . . . that didn’t come out right.

Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott.  Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum.  However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure.  (SURPRISE!)

It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams!  Yay!

“Pucker up, cutie pie!”

Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head.  Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends.  Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.” 

In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.

Annnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.

Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)

We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .

*sigh*

 . . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean .  . . this time, with a bat.

I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life .  . . 

Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.

(Because that’s not cheesy at all.) 

By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer.  Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.

“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .” 

But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill.  You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first.  Having had his own  . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .

 . . .  Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf.  “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love.  You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.

But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha.  And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.”  He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .

Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know .  . .)

Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked.  Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.

“NOW, you tell me!” 

Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal.  Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.

“WOAH!  How did THAT get there?” 

She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.

Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey.  A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time.  Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas.  Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion.  “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.

Really Allison?  Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER?  Have you been watching the same show we have?  Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .

Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.

It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue?  He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable.  She has gone against the code for the last time.  “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.

(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for  YOUR sister’s birthday?)

This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit.  Scott’s eyes begin to glow.  “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.

Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one.  It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison.  (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.)  Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon.   He then throws her into the Hale House.

Oh, it’s ON!

Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.

Cutest Couple EVER! 

For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable.  She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her.  Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged.  (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!)  Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family.  Kate rasps out a sorry.  But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.

Sayonara SUCKA! 

“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls.  (You have to admit, he has a point.)

Then the Alpha lunges for Allison.  But ta-da!  It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue.  Scott growls for Allison to run.  It’s GO TIME!

Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)

As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .

 This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .

However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode.  All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even.  Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside

UH OH!

Rock on, Scooby Gang!

Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.

Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail.  Stiles throws his first.  And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .

Chug a Lug, Alpha! 

 . . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong.  This time, it was made CORRECTLY.  Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.

“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!” 

Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)

“I’m MEEEEEELLLLTIIIING!” 

The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead.  But shockingly he’s not.  Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit.  He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.

Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot.  But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason.  He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes.  “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha.  “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.

And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.

His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it.  “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face.  The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?”  He inquires.

“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.

Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU! 

Cue the schmoopy music.  OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .

Lydia’s a WHAT??!

After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia.  After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .

 “I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha.  WOW!”

. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did.  This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”

“Seriously!  Her hair is perfect!  How did she do that?  She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.” 

The Aftermath . . .

The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.

Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town.  WHO KNEW?

Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott.  PUSH THEM OFF!  SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF!  Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.

QUICK!  STRANGLE HER!  NO ONE WILL KNOW!

Wait, what?  How is Scott human, during a full moon?  Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE  (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death.  Only time will tell . . .

In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf .  . .

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And based on the Big Ole Once in a Lifetime Grin, Derek gets on his face, as he comes down the steps, he may just decide to oblige . . .

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Bon Appetite, Derek!  Now you may EAT!

And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season.  So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers!  What did you think of the finale?  Was it all you hoped it would be?

Did you correctly guess:  Which two characters would die?  Who would turn into a wolf?  Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?

Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!

“CALL ME!” 

(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season!  So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me.  I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

It’s Hard Out There for a Ghost . . . and a Vampire . . . and a Werewolf – A Retrospective of SyFy’s First Season of Being Human

On Monday night, the SyFy channel aired the Season 1 Finale of it’s critically acclaimed supernatural drama,  Being Human (based on a British series with the same name).  The show, which has just been picked up for a second season, chronicles the lives of three roommates, who WOULD lead fairly normal lives, were it not for the fact that they are a Ghost, a Vampire, and a Werewolf, respectively . . .

Nice hat!

Nice lipstick . . .

Nice boxers!  (Now, please take them off!)

Although I stopped formally recapping this show after Episode Three, (due to other recapping responsibilities, and my general inability to secure solid screencaps of the show, in a timely fashion *blushes*) . . .

“That smells like bull$h*t to me!”

 . . .  I watched it faithfully, each week.  And, as a result, I am proud to name myself as part of its fanbase.  Admittedly, the series was a bit slow getting out of the starting gate, as its writers struggled to find a balance between copying what made the British version of the series so successful, and striking out on their own.  However, as the cast developed their character’s distinctive voices, and the producers ventured outside the British series for episode inspiration, Being Human really began to hit its stride, with the episodes improving significantly from week-to-week.

“You like us!  You REALLY like  us!”

In honor of that sentiment, I thought it might be fun to take a look back at Being Human’s first season, as seen through the eyes of its three main characters: Josh, the Werewolf, Sally the Ghost and Aiden the Werewolf . . .

Wolfman Josh (played by Sam Huntington)

Poor Josh!  Life definitely hasn’t been kind to this guy.  Two years ago, he was a loveable, overachieving college graduate with his sights set on med school.  He was also engaged to be married, and had a younger sister who admired him, and parents who worshipped the ground on which he walked.  Sounds pretty good, right?

Cut to two years later, when we first meet the afore-described “Golden Boy” in Being Human’s pilot episode.  Now, Josh is a hospital orderly, who cleans bedpans for a living.  He hasn’t had sex for two years. (So much for being engaged!).  And his whole family thinks he suffered a nervous breakdown.  Did I mention he is also a werewolf?

In addition to being my absolute favorite character on Being Human, Josh also bears the impressive distinction of being the cast member most often naked on the show.  Given Sam Huntington’s fine physique, I suspect this is NO accident . . .

If the repeated appearances of Naked Josh on Being Human were inserted into the show, as a cheap ploy to increase the female viewership of a television station, that has, heretofore, been almost exclusively watched by geeks men, it sure WORKED ON THIS FEMALE!  In fact, every time Naked Josh “exposed himself” to my television screen, I may or may not have have reacted like this . . .

Anyhoo . . . in addition to the monthly “wolfing out” of his man parts, Josh underwent a number of intensely personal and painful transformations, during the course of the season.  In the first few episodes, we sympathized for Josh, as he coped the shame he felt regarding his true nature, and the anger and bitterness he experienced over the many ways in which being a werewolf prevented him from achieving his lifelong dreams and goals.  These complex, and super angsty, emotions that Josh kept bottled inside caused him to isolate himself from others. 

*sings* “All by my selllllllllf . . . don’t wanna be . . . all by my selllllf, any morrrreeeee.”

However, as the series progressed, Josh began to open his heart to his roommates, who taught him that, just because he gets a bit hormonal once a month, doesn’t mean his life is over.  (Surely, many of us girls can relate to THIS!)  This “heart-opening” eventually enabled Josh to reconnect with his baby sister . . .

  . . . and make a new werewolf playmate (who ended up being this TOTAL vampire-hating psychopath, who was responsible for scratching Josh, and turning him werewolf in the first place . . . but still . . . babysteps!)

Eventually, he even manages to fall in love again, with a nurse at the hospital named Nora.  And she falls in love with HIM too, once he finally figures out how to stop growling at, running away from, and butt humping her, of course!

Speaking of butt humping, it takes a real well-endowed wolf to impregnate a girl THIS way, on the first try .  . .

Way to go JOSH!  (You sly DOG, you!)

In a matter of days post ass-screwing, Nora is suddenly the human-equivalent of three months pregnant (Apparently, wolf gestation periods are WAY shorter than ours.  Who knew?  Plenty of people who regularly watch the SyFy channel did, I bet!  ).  This, of coruse,  is going to make it REALLY hard for the new couple to find time to decorate the nursery! 

In the season finale, Nora walks in on Josh during a wolfy transformation, and watches him endure it.  In an oddly calm moment, a Wolfed Out Josh blinks his big yellow CGI-created eyes at Nora, from beneath a locked door.  (This Wolfman knows a Baby Mama when he sees ONE!) 

Far from being freaked out by this revealation, Nora actually seems pretty relieved to learn that Josh has been acting like a crazy man around her, because he’s a werewolf, instead of just your run-of-the-mill a$$h*le.  But then she realizes that, during his transformation, Josh inadvertently scratched HER, in an effort to push her out of harms way.  Sorry She-Wolf!  It looks like the MONTHLY CURSE is on YOU . . . TOO!  (And now you have TWO of them.  LUCKY YOU!)

Sweet, loveable, socially awkward, and undeniably goofy, Josh is definitely a character with whom I wouldn’t mind spending a second season.  Except, I’d probably buy him a REALLY THICK PAIR OF GLOVES, before I got too close . .  .

A girl’s always gotta use “protection,” you know!

Vampire Aiden (played by Sam Witwer)

If Josh was the Being Human character who got the most Naked Time (though, admittedly, Aiden got HIS share of that too .  . .) . . .

. . . Aiden was the character that got the most TOTAL screentime. (Then again, if YOU were alive for as long as THIS vampire’s been roaming the Earth, YOU’D have a lot of ISSUES to address too!)

Well, hello, Charlie Chaplin!  I didn’t know YOU were in this show!

*sings* “Grease is the time.  It’s the place.  It’s the no-tion.  Grease is the way we are FEELIN”!”

Yeah . . . I don’t really have anything to say about that . . .

For Aiden, most of the season was spent struggling to maintain a non-human munching lifestyle, and cope with centuries of past wrongs, all while trying to avoid the clutches of his evil old Vampire Empire Building boss, Bishop (played by Mark Pellegrino). . .

I’m proud to report that it only took me THREE-QUARTERS of the season to stop thinking of THIS GUY as “Jacob from Lost.”

Though Aiden managed to lead a fairly “human” law-abiding life style, throughout the season, there were a few minor missteps along the way.  Like, for example, the time when he accidentally ate his human girlfriend, Rebecca, while they were screwing . . .

So, Bishop turned her, just to piss Aiden off, basically.  Then, Rebecca became this REALLY ANNOYING, SUPER UNLIKEABLE CHARACTER with whom Aiden still inexplicably hooked up, for most of the season.  That nonsense ended in the penultimate episode, when he finally staked her, at her own request, thereby, putting us ALL out of our misery . . .

SAYONARA, BLOODSUCKA!

Then, there was this OTHER time, when Aiden met this guy who SWORE that Aiden had killed his dad, back when the guy was only 10- years old.  (HE HAD!)  So, Aiden tries to take away the guy’s memory of the event, but ends up driving him to KILL HIMSELF, instead . . . OOPS!

Then, there was this THIRD TIME when Aiden befriended a little boy, named Bernie, who accidentally got into Aiden’s vampire porn stash, making Bernie’s mom think Aiden was a TOTAL Pedo!  Then Bernie gets hit by car, and dies.  So Rebecca turns him.  But Bishop makes Aiden think his new vampire son is running around EATING bullies, so Aiden kills the little vampire child.  (Am I noticing a PATTERN, here?)

“Hey, little boy!  What do you say I give you a REALLY untimely death?  Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

The season ends with Aiden killing Bishop, and becoming Sheriff of Area Five, Eric Northman Vampire Ruler of Boston.  (Be afraid, Ben Affleck!  Be VERY AFRAID!)

Broody, tortured, soulful, and super sexy, with a healthy dose of guilt and self-hatred to boot, Aiden is EXACTLY the kind of TV vampire, us fangbanging fangirls love to drool over!

Sally the kind of Whiny Ghost (played by Meaghan Rath)

Sad Sack Sally has a sob story to tell.  You see, a few months back, she “fell” down the stairs of her apartment, hit her head, and died.  So, she’s been literally hanging around the apartment in her pajamas, ever since . . . unable to move on to the Great Beyond, due to “unfinished business.”  Sally spends the first half of the season crying over her boring, and rather personality-free, fiance, Danny, who is renting the apartment, where he and Sally used to live, to Aiden and Josh.

To make matters worse, Danny has recently started boning Sally’s best friend . . . while Sally watches.  AWK-WARD!

Care for a Menage-a-GHOST?

Things with Sally become slightly more interesting (not to mention WAY less annoying), when she learns that Danny just so happens to be a Girlfriend and Fiance-Beating Sociopathic Cretin, who KILLED SALLY, just because she accidentally dropped her engagement ring in the sink!  Suddenly, it becomes a battle of “wits” between Sally and Sociopathic Cretin.  Sally, with more energy and intensity than she’s exhibited all season, haunts Danny’s ass FOR FUN!  It’s all INCREDIBLY dark . . . and oddly cathartic.  In return, Danny does everything in his power to try and get Sally out of the house, even going as far as to perform an EXORCISM on her, and light their apartment ON FIRE!

After a brief bout of zombieism . . .

That’s taking the “smoky eye” look a bit too far, don’t you think?

 . . . Sally (with the help of a vamped out Aiden) finally scares Danny into turning himself in to the cops for killing her. 

When this happens, Sally’s Unfinished Business is suddenly not-so-unfinished anymore.  In the Season Finale, a LITERAL door opens for Sally to travel into the Great Beyond . . . and she conveniently forgets to walk through it.  OOPS!

And that was Season 1 of Being Human in a VERY SIMPLIFIED nutshell. 

Thirsty for more?  You can now check out full episodes of the first season of Being Human on Hulu.com.  For those of you who would prefer a “quicker fix” of the show, check out these nifty little sixty second episode recaps on the SyFy website: here. 

Not only do these recaps come FULLY LOADED with excellent video footage from each episode, they are also narrated by a woman, who clearly has a gift for the delivery of deadpan humor.  This woman can make you roll on the floor laughing without EVER HAVING TO CHANGE THE INTONATION OF HER VOICE!  She’s the Ben Stein of SyFY.com!

“Bueller . . . Bueller.”

Some of my favorite gems from the recaps include lines like these: “Evil Greaser Aiden threatens Bishop,”  “Josh gets sniffed .  . . weird,”  “Rebecca yells at Aiden.  She’s forgiven . . . again.”  and “Aiden and his Sideburns refuse.  Then they leave.”

For those of you who had a chance to watch the First Season of Being Human live, I would love to hear your thoughts about it in the Comments section.  As for the rest of you, see you in Season 2!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Oh, Eli Goldsworthy of Degrassi! – I Love You, You Sexy Psychopath!

A few years ago, Degrassi (a.k.a. The Little Canadian Show that Could) introduced us all to the remarkable talents of one, Nina Dobrev.  Nina eventually went on to star in my now – FAVORITE television show, The Vampire Diaries .  . .

You are hearing it here, first, my fellow teen television drama fans!  Munro Chambers will be Degrassi’s next Big Breakout Star. 

Week after week, this guy FLOORS me with his Mad Acting Skillz!  Munro intrigued me, when he first came on the scene, this past season, as the guyliner-wearing, sort of emo, hearse-driving, tortured artist, with a rebellious streak, and biting sense of humor, Eli Goldsworthy .  . .

He then won my heart, as the epicurean, closet romantic, whose sheer love of life, and unwillingness to take no for an answer, brought the uptight brainiac Clare Edwards out of her shell . . .

He frustrated me, when he pushed away the very some woman he so vehemently pursued, the following week.  Eli was afraid of letting Clare get too close  . . . fearing she would see beneath his cocksure facade, to the scars that lurked beneath the surface . . .

 And they were some UGLY scars!  When Eli finally admitted his true feelings for Clare, and entered into a relationship with her, she began to see his Dark Side.  But far from scaring her away, seeing Eli’s flaws, only made Clare (and us fans) love him more. 

When Eli antagonized bullies twice his size, until they kicked his ass.  And then he tricked those SAME bullies into getting ARRESTED through a very cunning bait-and-switch, involving Fake IDs, we questioned whether he had a Death Wish . . .

And when we met his parents for the first time, we wondered whether he was adopted (and kind of hoped that he was, for the sake of genetics) . . .

The Future of EClare?  Oh HELL NO!

And when we found out about Eli’s Big Secret, we were shocked and saddened.  Our hearts broke for this fictional character, who suddenly felt so very real to us, both in our minds and our  . . . ahem . . . other parts . . .

Eli became even more complex and multi-layered, when we discovered that the untimely loss of his girlfriend led to his struggles with hoarding . . .

I hate to say it, but as grossly messy as that room is, it also looks pretty cool!  Doesn’t it?

But just when us fans thought we had learned everything there was to know about Eli, he introduced us to a whole new side of himself, his PSYCHO SIDE!

This week, on Part 2 of Jesus, Etc., an old enemy of Eli’s found the Lord, and tried to use HIM to get into Clare’s pants . . .

Ummm . . . righteous?

Though this recent turn of events would be enough to piss off even the most calm and collected of boyfriends, the already volatile-natured Eli took things harder then most.  Throughout the episode, we witnessed the character slowly unravel, and gradually descend into madness. 

Watching Eli waver between agressively trying to protect his girlfriend from “The Jesus Guy” (through blustery anger and controlling manipulation), and placating her, with over-exaggerated declarations of love, and increasingly desperate demands for forgiveness, was both cringeworthy, and deliciously fascinating.  I didn’t know whether to turn away in horror, or wiggle closer to the television screen .  . .

“I feel like you are slipping away,” complains Eli, during one of his softer, more emotionally moments moments.

“Don’t leave me.  OK?  Please?”  Eli begs, during another one.

Amidst it all, were a trio of genuinely creepy moments, during which Eli would break the Fourth Wall, and stare directly at the viewers at home, with a look that was both inviting, and, at the same time, undeniably evil.

But it was not until the final scene of the episode, that things with Eli got REALLY psychotic (and, therefore, CRAZY FUN!).  Check out the “interesting” way in which Eli chooses to conclude the horror story, “Stalker Angel” that he’s been working on throughout the episode. In particular, pay attention to the the uncomfortably ironic similarities between the fictional story being described, and the Bizarre Love Triangle that is Clare / Eli / and the Born-Again (so-called “Angelic”) Fitz:

Eli:  The hero, Malcolm, realizes that he could never protect his heroine, Rachel, from Stalker Angel, so he has no choice but to . .

Clare: (interrupts)  . . . kill Stalker Angel

Eli: No, he kills Rachel.  He grabs his knife, cuts her throat, drinks her blood, and forever they are one!

Clare: That’s disturbing.

Eli: It’s brilliant.  It wouldn’t be much of a horror story, otherwise.

Clare: (with uncertainty) Of course.

Eli: It’s my masterpiece.  And I couldn’t have written it without you.  It’s all about YOU, Clare!

Clare:  (laughs nervously)  Great . . .just . . . try not to kill me, K?

Eli:  Don’t I owe you a driving lesson?  The HEARSE awaits.

Check out the scene in its frighteningly foreboding entirety here, IF YOU DARE!

The last shot of the episode, which features Eli loudly declaring his love for Clare, as he possessively wraps his arm around her, and glares sadistically at the camera, genuinely gave me chills!  After all, when it comes to Eli, I literally never know what he’s going to do next.  And THAT is was keeps me coming back to the show, week, after week.

Kudos to Degrassi for creating such a wonderfully relatable, and, at the same time, definitively insane, character, in Eli Goldsworthy!  And even bigger kudos to Munro Chambers, for bringing Eli to life on the small screen!  I can’t wait to see YOU in prime time, Mr. Chambers! 

Just . . . try not to kill me, K?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Accepting the Monster Within – A Recap of Being Human’s “There Goes the Neighborhood Part 2”

Welcome back, fellow Humans!  (If that’s what you REALLY are . . . 😉 )  This week’s installment of SyFy’s newest hit series (ONLY hit series?), definitely wrapped up some of the storylines presented in the pilot episode.  However, it also presented our favorite supernatural roommates with some new, very interesting, problems . . . ones that will surely plague them for many episodes to come . . .

SHE is definitely going to be a problem!

If tonight’s episode had a “theme” to it, I’d say that theme had to do with the acceptance of one’s true nature.  For some, that acceptance can have negative consequences.  For example, Rebecca became an Evil Super B*tch, once SHE accepted her new bloodsucking nature.  And, we suspect, the same thing would happen to Aidan, if he decided to go back to his old vampiric ways. 

For others, acceptance of who you are, can lead you to a better life (or lack thereof).  Once Sally gave up trying to be heard as a human, she realized that being a ghost allows for other, more unique, methods of communication.  It also saves a TON of money on airfare!

I’m flying, WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!

As for Josh, his refusal to come to terms with his wolfy nature, has kept him isolated from the people he loves — first, his parents and fiance, and now, his own baby sister . . .

The only thing hotter than a brooding werewolf, is a naked one . . .

Come on, Josh!  Be OUT . . . and PROUD (and stop covering your crotch, we wanna see)!

But enough of this philosophical mumbo jumbo, let’s get on with the episode, shall we?

Home Improvement for Dummies

Is that a pool of blood behind your head, Sally?  Or are you just happy to see me?

Ghost Sally spends much of this episode having funeral flashbacks, pining after her fiance (Does EVERYONE have a Long Lost Fiance on this show?), and breaking sh*t in the apartment, because she is feeling moody.  (I wonder if ghosts still get PMS?) 

After a whole lot of begging on Sally’s part, Aidan and Josh finally relent and invite their landlord, and Sally’s once fiance, Danny, to fix the clogged sink in the apartment, which Sally broke on purpose, precisely for this occasion!

“That’ll teach you to be cheap, and not get homeowners’ insurance!”

Sally gets pretty darn frustrated, when the man she loves LITERALLY doesn’t know she’s alive (because she . . . um . . .  isn’t).  When Danny arrives at the house for the first time, since Josh and Aidan moved in, Sally’s emotions go heywire.  This, of course, results in all the lights in the house EXPLODING!  (Nice one, Sally!)  Josh, who actually LIKES having working light fixtures in his home, is not amused, by this new development.

“Seriously!  You need to find some new hobbies!  Why don’t we invite over that kid from the Sixth Sense, and you two can hold a seance, or something?”

For his part, Danny can’t understand why in the world ANYBODY would want to live in this Ghost-Infested Death Trap he used to call home.  Clearly not a particularly savvy business man, Danny actually goes so far as to ask Aidan whether the apartment is as creepy as it seems.  “Every home has an echo of the people who used to live in it.  There’s a good echo here,” explains Vampire Aidan, causing Sally’s ghostly panties (not to mention, mine) to fall to the floor, as a result. 

*sings* “He really likes me.  He thinks I’m sexy.  He wants to date me.”

“Damn, I’m gooooood!”

 This, of course, brings up an important question:  Can ghosts have sex?

I didn’t think so . . . (Sorry Sally!  It looks like the vampire is MINE!)

Aidan, who is clearly angling to get supernaturally laid, throws Sally another bone, by asking Danny how his fiance died.  Danny, who is officially the WORST landlord and realtor EVER, not only explains in explicit detail how Sally fell down the steps and broke her brain, he even points out the SUPER CREEPY spot on the floor where she croaked!  In fact, Danny all but drew a chalked outline of Sally’s decaying body on the floor for Josh and Aidan to keep as a souvenir!  Now, if that doesn’t make a house fell like a home, I don’t know what does!

The next day, while the guys are out, Danny returns to the apartment to fix the sink.  He comes prepared, carrying a trusty Home Improvement for Dummies book under his arm . . .

Product Placement Alert!

But as good as Home Improvement for Dummies may be at teaching dummies like Danny to unclog a sink, I’m willing to bet there’s no chapter in it on “Ghostbusting” . . .

“Who you gonna call? (I ain’t afraid of no Sally!)”

And when Danny ignores Sally’s ghostly pleas for him to hire a plumber, Ghost Girl gets so mad, that she breaks the pipe beneath the sink, causing Danny to become soaked with water.  (But, hey, at least it’s not clogged anymore!)  Aidan arrives home, just in time to see Wet Danny escaping the apartment, like a bat out of hell. 

Later, Josh and Sally commiserate with one another, over the fact that they can’t be with their respective fiances anymore, because according to Josh “[We] are monsters, and [they] are not.”

Though things may look grim now, Sally’s romantic life may actually be starting to look up!  WAY UP!  Because, toward the end of the episode, Sally learns that SHE CAN FLY!  And you know what this means, don’t you?  She may actually be able to LEAVE THE HOUSE at some point (which is kind of essential, if you plan on getting laid, ever) . . .

“See ya, Boys!  I’m off to Victoria’s Secrets to buy some lingerie.  I’ve been wearing this outfit for SIX MONTHS, and it’s high time I slipped into something ‘more comfortable.'”

So, I mentioned Josh, earlier . . .which, if you watched last week’s episode, may have caused you to wonder, whether he ended up actually eating his sister, Emily, after being locked in a room with her, during his werewolf transformation.  Well, allow me to fill you in, on THAT part of the tale.

All Bark and No Bite

“I smell a cliffhanger!”

So, as I mentioned, when we last left Josh, he was getting all werewolfy in a locked room beneath the hospital where he works, and his baby sister was locked in there with him.  He tried to call Aidan to rescue him, but Aidan was “eating dinner” at the time at Fangtasia Bishop’s Dungeon o’ Vampire Love,  and couldn’t come to the phone . . .

Fortunately, however, Aidan finished eating just in time to catch Josh’s frantic telephone message.  And so, the Sexy Vamp races to the “dungeon” and rescue’s Emily, just moments before Josh becomes a full-on Beast.  Realizing, the poor girl probably just had the worst night EVER, Kindly Aidan then takes Emily to a local diner for some coffee . . .

At the diner, Aidan explains to Emily, that Josh is “going through some stuff right now” (Understatement of the Year), but that he is going to be OK.  He just needs some “time” to eat more poor defenseless deer figure things out. 

However, when Emily confronts Josh after the traumatic event, offering him her help and support, Josh rebuffs her.  “My life is different now . . . You don’t know me . . . you can’t help me . . . Leave me alone,” He tells his own flesh and blood, in front of her new girlfriend (who, according to Emily is a Shiksa Goddess) . . .

Now THAT had to hurt!

Speaking of danger, you might be wondering what happened with Aidan and that “dead girl,” who police suspected him of killing (because he DID kill her) . . .

There’s a New Vamp in Town

Aidan learns that his one-night stand, Rebecca, is not so much dead, as undead, when she tries to EAT HIS ROOMMATE . . .

Fortunately, for Josh, Werewolf is not exactly Baby Vamp Rebecca’s new favorite food.  So, she ends up sparing his life.  But Josh still has quite the bone to pick with his roommate about his most recent brush with death.

“What’s the point of doing all this . . . playing house . . . and joining CostCo . . . if you are just going to keep killing all of our friends!”  Josh exclaims.  (The dude’s got a point, Aidan!)

When Aidan confronts Rebecca about the whole “We Used to Screw, Until I Killed You” Thing, he learns that his sort-of ex holds a MAJOR grudge against him, for leaving her for dead on that fateful night.  (Apparently, Jacob from Lost Bishop turned her into a vampire, and “oriented her to the lifestyle” the following morning.)

Aidan offers to help Rebecca cope with their mutual “curse,” and “be good.”  But Rebecca would prefer to be BAD, and EAT HER FAMILY for fun.  So, Aidan and Rebecca don’t exactly share the same “moral values,” which . . . I guess . .  is as good a reason to break up as any.  (Then again, being MURDERED by your boyfriend is also a fairly good reason to end a relationship.)

At work, Quirky Nurse Cara tries to hit on Hot Aidan, by making a very dated 90210 reference (not the new 90210, mind you, the VERY OLD one).

When Aidan doesn’t exactly appear to be wowed by Cara’s Dylan McKay joke, Little Miss Quirky gets very embarrassed, indeed.  “Oh my gosh, I’m older than you,” she mumbles.

“Oh . . . I don’t think that’s true,” replies the centuries old Aidan.  “I just never watched 90210, because I am a STRAIGHT MALE.”

But Majorly Obscure and Dated Pop Culture references are not enough to deter Cara.  So, she asks Aidan out on a date to the local bar, which is located nearby.  Aidan is obviously enticed by Nurse Cara’s scent.  (Then again, maybe he just REALLY likes red heads, I still can’t tell . . .).  However, Aidan fears that, if given the chance, he will eat Cara, just like he did Rebecca.  So, he tries to let the girl down easy.  “Oh, I’m not that much fun,” the actually SUPER FUN Vampire demurs.

“Me NEITHER!”  Cara responds excitedly.  (Woah, this Quirky Nurse is RELENTLESS!)

After work, Aidan heads to the funeral home where Big Bad Vampire Bishop conducts his daily business.  (How appropriate!)

Aidan gives Bishop the business about turning his ex-girlfriend, who Bishop obviously is using as a bargaining chip to bring Aidan back into the Vampire Fold.  “You don’t screw up often.   So, when you did, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  [Rebecca] is quite a find,” remarks Bishop.

Once again, Aidan reminds the Head of the Vampire Recruitment Agency that he is no longer interested in that particular line of work.  (Cleaning up bedpans, is WAY more his style!)  And yet, the conversation with Bishop stresses out Aidan enough, that he finds himself in desperate need of a drink.  And so, off to the bar he heads.  Of course, the ever-persistent Nurse Cara is there, waiting for him . . .

As soon as Aidan gets one whiff of Cara, he’s ready to drain her dry.  And so, Aidan calls his Vampires Anonymous sponsor, Josh (who, does, after all, owe him, for the whole “Sister Rescue” Thing) to come to the bar, and save Cara from becoming dessert.  But, before Josh can arrive, Evil Rebecca comes over and TOTALLY cock blocks Aidan, by telling Cara, in no uncertain terms, that she and the closeted vamp used to bang.

A bit intimidated by Rebecca’s Mean Girl attitude, Nurse Cara eventually leaves Aidan, and heads back to her friends.  So, Rebecca decides to use this Alone Time to make another play for Aidan’s affections.  (Seriously, who DOESN’T want to bone this guy?) 

When Aidan rejects her, Rebecca gets even, by enticing a silly male human to go back to her place, and (we assume) die a very painful death, by draining.  Interestingly enough, Aidan “rescues” the guy, by beating the crap out of him, so he can’t leave the bar with the hungry female vamp.  This pisses Rebecca off, so she takes a bite out of Nurse Cara instead  . . .

Josh arrives just in time to see Cara nearly bleeding to death.  In the alley, just outside the bar, both Josh and the lurking Rebecca, plead for Aidan to turn Cara into a vampire (though they both, obviously, have very different reasons for wanting him to do this).  But Aidan refuses to turn Cara.  So, he and Josh rush the poor girl to the hospital instead, for a bit of “old-fashioned” human healing . . .

JOSH:  “You should have turned her.  Now she’s going to die because of you!”

AIDAN:  “Nah, she won’t die.  Because you are in SERIOUS need of a love interest on this show.  And so far, unless you plan on banging your sister. she’s the best option you’ve got!”

While the two supernaturally-inclined roommates await the still-human, Cara’s fate, Aidan gets pulled aside by Big Bad Vampire Bishop, who ALSO wants to know why he decided not to turn Nurse Cara into a vampire.

“Maybe I am sentenced to a lifetime in hell with you, but here, and now, I choose them [humans],” Aidan explains eloquently.

Eventually, Josh also comes to terms with Aidan’s decision not to turn Cara.   This is evidenced by his conversation with Ghost Sally, in the final moments of the episode. 

“We take for granted how good Aidan is . . . and how he must struggle every day not to be like THEM,” remarks Josh.

 “Do you think he should have saved [Cara]?”  Sally inquires.

“I think he did,” the Werewolf replies.

Eh, I don’t know about all that.  Personally, being a vampire, always seemed like kind of an awesome Lifestyle Choice to me.  Then again, what do I know?  I’m only “human.”

[www.juliekushner.com]